#genuinely hurt my soul imagining how he'd look all teary eyed

[atsushishairstreak]

Hello! May I request a one-shot where the fem!reader comforts Atsushi when he is crying and feeling like a monster?

Summary: Atsushi meets an old "friend" from the orphanage, but the reunion doesn't go so well

TW: Mentions of child abuse, anxiety attacks, slight violence (Atsushi shoves another person onto the ground), inappropriate touching? (the "friend" tries to hug Atsushi and seduce him)

I felt like Atsushi after the guild arc wouldn't react so violently (literally lol) to pieces of his past, so I based this off of the not so emotionally stable and anxious Atsushi pre-guild arc! ヽ(´▽`)/ I hope this was satisfactory! It was fun trying to understand how Atsushi's mind works to write this

"Atsushi-kun!"

Atsushi turned around at the sound of a strangely familiar voice calling his name. He blinked, unable to find anyone, until he saw the distant figure of someone vigorously waving their hand at him in the desolate streets.

He instantaneously dropped the grocery bags he was holding. Sheer panic flooded his mind as he froze in place like a deer in headlights.

"Why...?"

They sidled up to him with a bright smile on their face, and Atsushi immediately felt nauseous at the familiar sight. "Don't you remember me? It really has been a while since we last saw each other at the orphanage."

"You mean when I was kicked out."

They laughed as if he had said a hilarious joke. "Same thing! Say, let's go to a cafe or something. My treat."

Atsushi took a few steps back. His hands felt clammy underneath the gloves Ranpo had gifted him. He just wanted to go home with the groceries he had unceremoniously dumped on the ground and make dinner with you before falling asleep while reading together, not chatter with one of the children from the orphanage.

He tried to envision how you would react if you were with him. Would you pull him away and demand they leave? Or offer to sit with him as he tidies the end of his connection to one of the people who turned away to the sight of wounds littering his frail, brittle body?

Atsushi looked at the person before him. They looked happy with a spark in their eyes. It was completely different from the somber look every child had in the orphanage. They must have left somehow, and created a path for their own, just like Atsushi did. With the exception of being painfully reminded of their powerlessness from every lashing that fell upon tender skin.

He can still remember how they used to share bits and pieces from their meals whenever he was forced to starve, but also how they began looking away when the punishments became abhorrently severe. Now they looked directly into his eyes, offering to buy him a meal. He could hear something roaring in his ears. Atsushi thought it was the sound of the tiger within him, but it could have been his heart thumping away erratically at the fury coursing through his veins.

"I'll decline," he said coolly. He clenched his fingers into fists to hide his trembling.

"Oh, come on." They gave him a sly smile, and Atsushi's blood went cold. That wasn't how they used to smile, before they blatantly began ignoring his existence.

They reached out a hand to play with the long strand of hair on the side of his head, the other on his chest. Atsushi wanted to move, yell, scream, but he felt like he was a small child again, powerless to the whims of other people. He couldn't move an inch despite his sheer panic and disgust that made his eyes water. "I thought you quite liked me back then? I'll admit it was a bit rude of me to stop talking to you, but bygones be bygones, right?"

Their hands slid up to loop around his neck, and that was when the fed-up tiger within him took over.

He could see their eyes widening in shock as they were flung away and landed hard against the concrete. They looked at the scraped skin of their palms and then at Atsushi, before promptly shrieking in terror. "Monster! Monster!"

Atsushi looked at his own hands, which were now huge paws. He wasn't a human anymore, rather a large white tiger. Didn't he learn how to control his ability? Wasn't the time Dazai nullified his ability at the warehouse the final time he'd ever lose control?

Was he even worthy to be in the detective agency, when he had been overtaken by the tiger once more and harmed a civilian?

He looked at the person before him once more, searching for something, anything. They began flinging pebbles on the ground at him.

He turned tail and ran as fast as he could, ignoring the astonished gasps of passerbys and ignoring the panicked cries of "Monster!" that still rang in his ears. He switched back into his human form when he reached your apartment, practically breaking the door open to see you with a startled look on your face.

The same startled look his old friend from the orphanage had when they were shoved away by the tiger.

Atsushi collapsed to the ground, his face buried into his knees as he cowered. "Monster, monster," he said obsessively between hiccuping gasps.

You immediately moved closer to him, careful not to touch him as you sat in front of him. "Who told you that?"

"Them, the headmaster, the other children..." Atsushi hyperventilated, aggressively tearing at the fabric on his wrists as if he was trying to escape handcuffs.

"Is it okay if I touch you?"

Atushi nodded, his face still tucked away into his knees. He trembled like a leaf in the wind, but calming him down was more important than getting caught up in your overwhelming worry for him.

You reached out to gently pull his hands away from his arms. Thankfully his hands weren't tiger claws, so he didn't manage to tear through the sleeves of his shirt and injure himself. You placed one above your chest and rubbed circles into the other, exaggerating your inhales and exhales. "Copy my breathing, love."

The painful, wheezing breaths he let out slowly quietened down. He lifted his head from his knees, and you felt your heart shatter at the tear stains marking his cheeks. His normally bright eyes were muddled and hazy from tears.

"Want a hug?" you asked, trying not to grimace at the sight, but rather smile reassuringly.

Atsushi slid his hands away from your grasp. You thought he'd huddle towards you, but instead he shuffled away towards the wall.

"I... I hurt someone. An innocent person. They were from my orphanage, and I tossed them to the ground with my ability like a coward." He looked at you with pleading eyes as if begging for mercy. "I don't deserve you, or to be in the agency helping other people, I don't deserve to live. I—"

"Nakajima Atsushi."

His mouth snapped shut at your stern tone.

"Atsushi," you said softly. "That's who you are. Not "monster", or "tiger". And that's how I'll always know you as."

You held out your hands, palm sides up. He hesitated before dropping his own into them. You pressed a kiss on the back of one of them before pressing the side of your face against the knuckles.

"These hands can do anything," you murmured. "They may have hurt before, but they can also heal and help others. What would you choose?"

"Helping others," Atsushi said, his voice barely above a whisper. You smiled.

"Then help others. You don't need to be granted the right to live, you shape your life the way you want it to be. You're you, not what the ghosts of your past have told you."

Atsushi didn't reply, but you knew he understood what you meant when he pulled you closer to bring you into his arms and kissed the top of your head. The two of you stayed like that for a long, long time, until the sun began settling down upon the horizon to rest.