#give them the place they feel they are losing through immigration and whatnot even if you think it's absurd

[i-am-gaylocked]

Late night thoughts

Hey guys,

It's been a while since I posted any sort of personal content on here; however, today something happened that made me once again contemplate the future of mankind, and I think the following is important for all of you, so I appreciate everyone reading through this, thinking it through, adding their own ideas, discussing etc.. Please no hate speech of ANY form.

Today, my home country Germany held their general election. Results are tumbling in, and the right-winged populist party AfD seem to have received a whole of 13%. This means that for the first time since the NSDAP & Hitler, a right-winged party has made it into our parliament. Concurrently, the conservative CDU (Merkel's party) has lost a whooping 9% and the social democrats (SPD) have lost almost 6%. (None of the numbers have been confirmed since not all votes are counted & checked yet, but these are reliable predictions.) Let's not even talk about how the pro-business liberals FDP, who decide to ignore climate change, are mathematically the only possible coalition party, I don't want this to escalate into one big rant about capitalism and it's ruining the planet and mankind.

What I actually want to address is the fact that the AfD was founded merely four years ago as a right-liberal alternative to the established partys; just two years later, its founder Bernd Lucke was replaced by Frauke Petry, who was considered strongly right-winged at that time. By now, another mere two years later, she is considered (by both outsiders and party members) as way more moderate than the rest of her party; in fact, AfD members have called her things like 'too soft' & 'too left'. Someone, who not long ago was deemed clearly right.

Why am I talking about the history of some German party? Because it is an excellent example how populists and fascists operate.

The AfD's deputy chairman, Alexander Gauland, has been known for his nazi-similar politics for years. By now, many members have attracted the attention of our Federal Intelligence Service; the party also has several links to other nazi movements. This is not how it started out though. Over the course of just one office term, it has changed from an anti-euro party to a right populist party whose members openly scream their hate speech against immigrants, muslims and any political left or middle party at people on the streets (I've seen it happen just yesterday), and who damn Germany & its system but in the same sentence talk about 'our holy homeland Germany', exactly like the ""official"" Nazis did and do.

Now, I could spend hours analyzing how and where and when this whole thing went downhill and what the governing partys and Merkel and the media did wrong in dealing with the AfD, but to be honest, it would be no good at all. Today's results show that apparently we are unable to learn from our own history (the NSDAP started out very similar, and although it would be wrong to generalise both times, we need to stop downplaying this issue).

What I would rather like to address is how many people are succumbing to the pull of populism in the last few years. And this is not a problem only Germany is dealing with; it is happening in democracies all around the world. I have my own theory why, because this has happened before, but only the facts that it is based on are scientifically confirmed, so don't expect me to be a reliable source for what's going on in the world.

A proven fact is that we are in the wake of the third big change of mankind: digitalisation (the first one being sedentarism, the second one industrialisation). Now, what we could witness during industrialisation is very similar to what is happening right now: rapid changes and development in sciences, society and politics, with one part of society pushing further and further towards progress and the other part being overwhelmed by the new fast pace of the world, followed by a rise in conservative and then right-winged, nationalistic and populistic tendencies (see e.g. imperialistic ideas that caused WWI). Now, industrialisation happened over the course of about a century; digitalisation has genuinely begun only about 10-15 years ago and has already developed much quicker. Again, this is not a confirmed parallel, just my understanding of things; however, change does cause people to get scared, and the more change happens at the same time, the more confusing it gets, causing people to feel lost among all the new developments, wishing for the old days and clear structures (-> rise in nationalism, the homeland as one last solid way of identification). Now, what does anxiety directly lead to? Rejection. Which leads to? Hate. You probably all have experienced it yourselves, when you were afraid of doing something, but you were scared to express it, so you just said you don't like it and that’s why you're not doing it? As someone with a lifelong experience with anxiety, I can confirm I have done this multiple times, and I have also often witnessed it with friends & family.

Anxiety leads to hate. So? Exactly. If people are scared and they hear someone loudly screaming about restoring old values, without the 'scary new things', they will gladly follow that voice, if it only sounds confident enough. Never mind facts, people vote with their guts, and if someone makes them feel safe, they get their support (see Trump for example).

The least of the people who have voted for right-winged people or partys, anywhere around the world, are actual populists or Nazis. Yes, there is a (way too large) core of these people, but they are NOT the majority. Most of them are scared jump-on-the-bandwagoners. Now, I am not making excuses for their behaviour, their choices and their views; I am just saying that telling a scared person that they are wrong or ignoring them does not help. Neither does telling these things to an angry person for that matter (as anger often comes from hate which comes from fear, etc etc). Fighting hate with hate is NOT a solution and never has been. I am the first person to feel the burning need to punch any person in the face who tells me that 'muslims are evil and their religion should be banned' or bullshit like that, but we NEED to refrain from physical violence, and, what's even more important (because this is a mistake that many, many people, including me, make or have made), insulting others & treating them without respect for their beliefs. And yes, this also goes for nazis (hear me out).

Yes, OBVIOUSLY they are wrong, their views and actions are disgusting and should have no place in our world whatsoever. But tell me, have you ever been told that your opinion sucked and that you should go to hell and it made you go 'Hm, maybe they're right, I'm gonna reevaluate my world view'? No. Being told that you're wrong, being insulted only increases your protest. So what you are really doing when you're supporting things like punching nazis etc. is promoting them. Obviously, they are in the wrong. Obviously, about 99% of the things they believe are wrong, and they need to be called out on that. But: BE RESPECTFUL. You don't have to actually respect them, I know it can be hard, but show them the respect they deny others. To be honest, anyone who says things like 'I am not gonna treat people with respect who disrespect others like that' is being egoistic. Believe me, I get your point, I really do. But if your goal is to actually convince someone, YOU HAVE TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON. YOU have to be the one to take a deep breath and say, 'hey, I disagree with you on everything I have heard you say so far, but let's talk. Let's discuss. In a respectful way.'. This is not just a quick concept of mine, by the way: Any ex-nazi can confirm this. What brought so many of them around was the people they were hating on inviting them in.

Yes, they often behave like monsters, but every human being just has the basic need to belong. If you want someone on your side, TAKE THEM IN. Be opening, be welcoming, without supporting or ignoring their unacceptable views. Show them that their ideas are not welcome, but show them that they as basic human beings are welcome. How do you expect someone to join you if you tell them, hey, you suck, but please be on our side because we are right and you are wrong?

If you genuinely want to convince someone to be a considerate, accepting person who lives in unison with others, this is the only way.

If you only want to shortly relieve your

anger, go on and punch nazis. Fight, insult, hurt them until enough life and dignity has been taken on either side for you to realise that violence does not end violence, and hatred does not end hatred, and that the only way to overcome and find peace is through love.

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

Dawn(4)

Loki x fem!Reader

ONE/TWO/THREE SHOT

Warnings:hurt, anxiety, missing(?)

Summary: A truce to end all wars leads to an alliance between Earth and Asgard in the form of Loki marrying a mortal. None of them what this. None except fate.

Word Count: I’ll be leaving this job when things settle down. I cannot work for a company that does not have humanity or sympathy for the people that keep it going. I would rather get a decent pay and be treated with the respect I deserve for the job I do. This pandemic really brought a whole different side to how much they care for you.

MASTERLIST in bio, darlings. Tags are open (check bio)

The rough kisses of the wind under the light of the moon bring with it the song of nocturnal birds ready to take the night. Every little ecosystem of the witching hour is alive as the light brings forth a new day and a new adventure, bursting out into songs of the twilight; or their supper. Everything except for the God on the horse that zooms past them, interrupting their daily chores to look at him in curiosity for five seconds before going back to whatever it is they were doing.

For Loki, it is less of an adventure and more of a race against time. He knows firsthand the sensitive areas of the Asgardian mountains, especially the ones lying close to Vanaheim and Alfheim that are hiding the remnants of old enemies of the throne. Once the war was over, it was a given that the invaders from other galaxies who had set their claws in the weakest kingdoms would have to face the Asgardian forces to draw them away, and so they had fled in the darkness of the many nights to prevent being captured and exiled to their planets or worse, being left on a barren moon to fend for themselves. And it would not be any barren moon but one which the Silvertongue would choose specifically for their suffering.

One of the reasons Loki had travelled to the borders just a day after his wedding was to take care of the still weak defences of the kingdom. Several aliens who had surrendered because of their children and to prevent violence were assured a safe refuge and means to make an honest living by both the Princes. But the once who had fled with the motive to not negotiate for a mere living had full intentions of coming back with resources. Loki made sure that guards were stationed near the villages by the edge of the cities so as to prevent the fiends from pillaging the hard work of the innocent while at the same time, releasing the wild animals under the care of the crown- more precisely, his command- to make sure they kept the threat in check.

It had been hard for Loki to get up in the morning with you by his side, sleeping without a care in the world. He’d watched you snore, your lips parted and your sleep reasonably heavy after the week you had had, and questioned himself to have found you more mesmerising than any time before. He knew Thor could have handled the situation without him, but seeing you sleep next to him with your guard down brought an unknown sensation from somewhere deep inside him, unfurling like a whirlpool in the midst of an ocean. The sensation, the instinct to protect you- to watch you like this more often. After all, how many people in his life had he witnessed to trust him enough to tell him his brother was afraid of spiders.

And now as he is flying in the wind through the forest trail to reach you, Loki can only think about your safety. Well, that and the endless rant he would have to hear from Tony if something happens to you and he finds out about it.

If his memory of the lessons of the kingdom’s Geography serves him right, the Nightweed can only be found by the rivulets flowing from Vanaheim’s direction. That would mean the group would have to travel south-west to reach it a few hours before the crack of the dawn. And the trail he follows suggests his observation be correct.

Just a half an hour journey later he finds a soft glow of lanterns up ahead on the trail, his pounding heart feeling an unexplainable rush that makes his grip on the reins tighter as he directs his horse to reach it with full speed.

What he does not expect to see is Sybll being the only one sitting on the ground next to a few horses while a guard keeps a watch for anything out of the ordinary. The lines of worry on her face are visible in the glow of the white lanterns but the fear that creeps into her eyes when she sees Loki emerge from the darkness is no match for them.

“Your highness,” she breaks while trying to get up from the ground and bow her head in the presence of her Prince.

“Where is she?” is all he asks.

The answer does not come abruptly. Instead, Sybll’s eyes well up and her fingers torment the flesh of her arms till she has grounded herself to finally speak.

“She’s missing. Someone took her,” she winces.

.

The visit to the forest feels like a dream. The smell of the flowers of the night, the cool breeze caressing you with the frostiness it brought you from the nearest waterfalls and rivulets, the happy songs not holding much meaning for you, the laughs and cheers. Everything seems to be blurring into a sweet memory.

Till you remember the urgent need to pee that led to you losing consciousness. And with that one thought gathering amplitude inside your head, your eyes open wide while your head throbs, looking in every direction for Sif or Sybll or anyone else who is familiar. Instead, you lock eyes with a gross creature sitting at the entrance- of what seems like a tent- looking at you with utter disgust in his eyes and a wicked smile on his...well, whatever this orc has for lips.

That creature runs out of the tent before you can ask him anything and you take that time to look around for any clue as to where you are. One thing that does make sense is the seal on the grain sacks and chests kept in one corner which does not belong to any royal families you were introduced to on your wedding day.

Wait, my wedding day was yesterday.

Just the thought of that fact gives you a headache.

Getting up from this quilt that you have been laid over, you feel the frost of the night over your exposed shoulders, really missing the cloak you'd kept on your horse when you dismounted it.

Steps sound outside the tent and you are obligated to turn towards the opening to see who is responsible for getting you unconscious and dragging you away from another Asgardian tradition.

Well, the master, or chief, looks nothing like the one he had stationed to guard you.

This one looks more like an elf with a backbone straighter than any protestant you would witness in a 'go away immigrants' rally. His golden hair falls till his hips, not a single strand out of its place; even when he walks towards you. For a second you really think he has walked in here by mistake till his yellow eyes start to observe you from head to toe.

Creepy elf.

"Hm," he breathes out, his head held so high he has to look down at you even though he is barely two inches taller than you are, "I thought the prince of Asgard would do better than...this."

"Hm," you mock back, not acknowledging that petty insult with an answer. But you really cannot help it. "I'm sure if you had asked nicely he would have considered your hand in the marriage too..."

"Torbarik," he introduces himself, never breaking that stoic ego of his, "and I would rather eat dirt than marry that bastard," the elf creature purrs all the while unconsciously avoiding anything that would get his white robe with sparkly embellishments dirty.

"So...you would marry him," you state, narrowing your eyes in introspection at that guy who is clearly irritated now.

He takes a step towards you, enough to bend a little when he wants to stare you directly in the eye. "Your father in the name of the law promised us a place in the kingdoms before your husband-" he practically hisses the word in your face- "and his high and mighty brother took over the territories to make it their little playground and drive my people out."

As much as you want to pay attention to his words there is something else that bothers you on another level.

"I'm sorry," you finally blurt out, "I cannot concentrate on what you're saying with those two little hairs standing up on your head. Right there. Yeah. Near the forehead."

Torbarik moves his head back, like a little jolt he feels at the thought of someone pointing at his imperfections.

"Look, I don't know what Odin promised you," you shrug, "and whatnot. But I do know that whatever Loki and Thor and doing is probably for the best of all people involved."

“What is best for their interest,” Torbarik interrupts you, walking around the tent, his eyes looking around, his marble-like face expressionless, “that is how the royal family has always been. I claimed the lands of Alfheim with power-” he pauses in front of a small mirror hanging by the pole in the centre of the tent and checks himself and those loose hair strands you mentioned- “and no one can take that away from me.”

You have to pause and take a breath. Initially for clearing your head, mostly for keeping you from throwing words at him he might not recover from.

“And where do I come into this?” you finally ask. “I do not have a political standing in the Asgardian court if that is what you are going for.”

Torbarik feels a shift in lips, a slight smirk forming on them as he turns to face you with an eerie look in his eyes. “Oh, but you are the most vital piece of the court, your grace.”

You know he means to mock you when he addresses you that way, and that look of madness in his eyes is not helping. “You, the latest addition to the royal court, a...low blood but married into the royals, nonetheless, are the key to it all. You are what I will bargain for power in these lands, my dear.”

So, he is insane, your inner voice shouts in a mad fit of hysterical laughter while you scoff at him. “And what makes you think anyone will negotiate with you? What makes you think Odin will negotiate for my life? Like you said, I’m just a human.”

For the first time that night, you watch Torbarik smile the broadest smile, revealing those unresting sharp white teeth. What is worse is his steps towards you, not halting till he has you pinned into the tent’s wall with his body, not even giving you much space to breathe.

“Oh, but not just any human,” he sings, his dirty-nailed fingers running lazily over your jaw, “you are the human who could bring havoc to Asgard with one simple scratch. Or maybe a broken bone. Or worse....your death.”

The nail from his index finger goes down the jaw, over your neck, deeper than before, definitely scratching something. “Imagine the destruction,” he whispers into your ear, sending uneasiness crawling down your skin, “when your family on earth finds out about something happening to you. The war they are going to wage. Bringing Hel on this land Odin is so proud of. And all-” his fingers wrap you by the throat, not yet turning it into a grip- “because Odin or his sons could not protect you.”

Even in the chill sweeping from outside on your feet, your back feels sweat trickle down while your heart tries its best to maintain a survivable pace.

“Loki would see this coming a mile away. Do you really think you stand a chance in front of hi-”

The grip tightens around your throat. You can feel the nails digging into your skin. “Oh, I want him to see this coming. I want him to know there will be blood if he does not agree with my terms. Even if your life means nothing to him, he will pay the price for it.”

It is not as much the words but the thoughts they conceive in your mind. Restless, unnerving thoughts. Thoughts of what weight do you exactly carry for Loki. Do you even carry some significance for him? Or are you just another peace treaty that was done and dusted?

Your heart feels a pain rush into it as quickly as you try to hide it on the outside.

“My husband does not negotiate with a terrorist. And you are a fool if you think he will not find a way through this web you think you are spinning for him.”

Torbarik breaks into laughter that chills your veins. Your skin feels something sticky where his nails are digging into your skin. “I would like to see him try.”

.

“...and by the time I came back to where I had left here, she was gone.”

The defeated sigh that leaves Sif’s lungs hurts her more than anyone for not being able to do the one thing she was meant to be doing.

“It’s not your fault, Sif,” Loki is quick to point out, knowing that look in her eyes well enough to know where her thoughts are spiralling right now. “Whoever took her must have been following you for some time to know when to strike. Are all the handmaidens accounted for?”

Sif nods, looking over his shoulder to watch them stand huddled together by the horses.

“Okay, here is what we will do-”

“Loki,” Sif interrupts the God before he can put a plan in action, “I can find her. Let me find her.”

Loki blinks. “Of course you will. You are the best asset we have right now. Baldur can take the handmaidens back to the palace. We have a lot of ground to cover so-”

“Pardon us, your highness,” Sybll’s voice stops Loki to make both the warriors turn around and face her form that is barely keeping it together underneath the tightly held cloak, “but we would like to be a part of the search too. We cannot go back to the palace when the Princess might be in danger right now. Please, we have been taught how to defend ourselves by the Queen. Let us be of some help as well.”

Loki has to pause and look at the eager faces standing their ground to do as much as possible. He turns to Sif for an opinion and she silently agrees with the lot.

A sigh escapes his nostrils in the form of visible air in this night getting colder by the minute.

“Fine,” he finally agrees, allowing the handmaidens to breathe easy, “but not without security.”

Loki gets down on one knee to touch the soil with his palm, reciting an ancient spell that reverberates through the land of the forest- its epicentre where Loki stands- with visible green and golden waves rolling right on the dust. Just as the recitation stops and his hand leaves the soil, everything goes silent; not even the owls hoot nor does a leaf.

And then Sif sees them. At the top of the nearest hill. Golden orbs- too many- in pairs, looking down at them, as if floating in their direction. The fear of the unknown takes root in a corner of her heart right before the moonlight shines on them.

Sif feels a touch on her shoulder and turns her head just enough to witness Loki’s hand shifting her and every other lady’s armour in something as black and as the night.

“Search for my wife,” Loki announces with a subtle hint of something dark without ever raising his voice- changing into a battle-ready black armour- and summoning his sword, “and they will take care of the rest.”

[msphantastic]

the boys’ club

I am exhausted. Exhausted of the bullshit, exhausted of the drama, exhausted of being exhausted from all of these situations. The only way I can avoid being exhausted is if I disregard the disrespect and harm inflicted on me but after a while, that gets exhausting too. 

I find myself in the unfortunate position of being the one chick in all guys’ friend groups. When I was younger, I saw this as a privilege. I thought that this placed me higher in the hierarchy amongst girls. I was the chosen one. I was the only girl that guys trusted to talk to me about their feelings, involve me in their chill sessions, and be invited to all boys exclusive shit. I was that cool girl that didn’t “have an attitude” or “act like a bitch” when it came to men. Not only is this extremely misogynistic but also internalized misogyny on my end. I would only learn as I grew older how much of a backwards mindset this is and a heavy burden to bear.

On the emotional end, I became their therapist and outside of their home, I became their mother. Guys were coming to me and telling me about all of their feelings because they didn’t feel comfortable enough in their masculinity to discuss it with one another and I was “the one girl” who could understand them. Emotionally, this became a burden because I was dumped with a lot of traumatic shit on my shoulders and expected to carry everyone’s burden. They felt relieved to finally let it off but I felt tired and heavy. I am not a licensed doctor and there is only so much I can take, on top of my own problems that I am also facing. It was also tiring to listen to boys complain about shit that was toxic and irrelevant to me in terms of how misogynistic their complaints would be. However, they had expected me to be on their side because I was supposed to be that cool bitch. Endlessly, I’d listen to their struggles with women and how toxic these women were being. Of course, not to invalidate harmful actions done unto them by women but this was not every single situation. It’s only rarely that I listen to a man talk who was actually abused and fucked over by a woman. In many cases, there were actions they had taken to aggravate the situation and were also harmful to the women, prior and after the situation. 

The talk I am most tired of having with men is the “I made it out of the hood” talk and how I could never understand. Ugh, even worse is when men realize the toxic masculinity they have grown up with and turn it around into a self-pity fest. Of course I am not a man and I will never understand what it is like to grow up as a targeted young POC man in the hood but I AM a BROWN woman from the hood and immigrant/refugee community, facing the same struggles. Most of the time when I try to empathize with them, I am met with disbelief and invalidation. If they only knew what I was involved in or where I came from or even any the extremity of the experiences I had faced, I wonder if they would still talk the same. Unfortunately, in many cases, the answer is no as I have been treated as such by many guys who I used to consider my closest friends. It’s an unfortunate feeling to feel betrayed by your homies. Some background, I am a brown woman from the hood in the Bay Area. I was raised in a low-middle class family (financially I could’ve had it way worse, ofc) who were refugees from a third world country. My family has suffered through war trauma and gang violence worse than any hood in the United States. I also was put out on the streets when I was 15, 16 years old. I have faced and dealt with homelessness, addiction, gang violence, and drugs; within my family and myself AND on the streets. (lolol for all the boys who think they so hard, I wanna see their facial reaction when I tell them my cousin is involved in a drug cartel/mafia in a 3rd world country and he is known in his city as an assassin. mfs in my country aren’t weak or scared enough to just walk around shooting people up. nah they kill people with butcher knives, chop them up then hang up their bodies for people to see. not saying this is a good thing but they are fearless. one of the many reasons why I am not scared of gang bangers. this and also because beyond everyone’s rough exterior, we are all soft and loving, mostly). For the boys who made it out, I have also dealt with racism and misogyny at the private white institute level. On the flip slide, I have attended AND graduated from one of the best boarding schools in this nation and then continued my education at a private white college on a full scholarship that did not involve athletics (athletics definitely did help me get into a private high school on a scholarship though). This on top of the misogyny that exists in every community I enter, hood or rich and white. Whether I face this disbelief because of how race issues in the US are very black and white or men are just very selfish, I can never know for sure. Most likely, a mix of both. 

Within these boys clubs, I have faced isolation, harassment (including sexual), abuse, and manipulation, sometimes as a result of speaking up. I hate how guys will disregard me in public or in front of their friends when clearly we have developed a close platonic relationship privately. I have been approached sexually by 99% of my guy friends. It really makes me question whether our friendship is real or if I am being used to satisfy their needs. Turns out, I get used for their therapy AND sex as a convenience to them. I satisfy their every need and once they get what they need, they’re able to move onto the girl they’re really tryna date and I just become another homegirl. As a result of my insecurities, I agree to sleep with many of them. In the moment, I believe that I am getting the attention I deserve and the love that I crave. I disregard all of their toxic behavior because look, boys are finally giving me attention and because of our dope ass platonic relationship, I convince myself that they truly love me for who I am. Maybe they really do but it doesn’t stop them from abusing our relationship for their satisfaction. The worst part on my behalf is that most of our sexual interactions are consensual whether it be a result of coercion or just my insecurities. However, the manipulation of emotions is still present as our relationships are never clearly defined nor am I ever given a clear answer when I inquire about our friendship. It’s always, ofc we’re close friends, why would you ask that? Well, because of our intimacy. In the aftermath, I always feel like trash because I know that none of them would ever even consider dating me. Whether it be because I’m just a homegirl, I “know them too well”, or because I’m too damaged, too tomboyish, too aggressive, too masculine, or whatnot, there’s always some bullshit reason. Whenever I confront them myself, I am met with anger and guilt. They will almost always try to turn the tables on me. In the initial confrontation, ALWAYS. Some of my friends will eventually apologize while others cease to continue to be a part of my life. Nonetheless, a burden that I carry and an issue I am consistently dealing with. When the situation becomes too much, sometimes I will try to talk to another close mutual friend of ours and almost always, they will stand in solidarity with their boys. In my years, I have come to learn that even though I am a part of the boys’ club, I will never truly be one of them. Just as you can be that one poc friend in a white friend group but you will NEVER be white and sometimes, your white friends will out you and will be unable to stand by you despite how close y’all may be. The support is not 100% guaranteed. The reason why I know this to be true is because I always leave these situations confused, saddened, angered, and/or feeling helpless while they may just be relieved, annoyed, or careless. Multiple times I have been ganged up on by entire friend groups. Many times, I feel slut shamed by entire friend groups for having slept with most of them. I could never confirm this because I don’t know if I am being insecure or if it’s truly happening (boys will always stand for one another and would never snitch on each other’s hoeing) but I do know that I never feel good or safe. 

It fucking sucks knowing that I’ve lost many friends I have grown close to as a result of this misogynist behavior and that I will continue to lose friends because of this. In the end, I continue to question why is it that I’m the one suffering and not them? People always try to comfort me with “oh, well their punishment is that they don’t have you in their life” or “they don’t deserve you” or “you don’t need them”. But truthfully, I also suffer because I’ve grown distant and lost some of my closest friends and I struggle to keep finding people that I can replicate the same tightness that I had with these friends or maintaining these friendships. Whether we could work on clarifying our friendship or it’s so extreme that I actually need to distance myself immediately, it still saddens me to know that I’ve lost a friend and to reminisce on our good memories together. Obviously, these good memories don’t outweigh the toxic behaviors but nonetheless, good memories. 

PS. I know that many men and doubtful/internalized misogynists would question me as to why I demonize men etc. Ofc I’m not perfect and nobody is and OFC I have made mistakes that have contributed to problems in our friendship. HOWEVER, it does not disregard the fact that everything discussed above is still valid and that these feelings are not imaginary; they are in fact very real and I know I am NOT the only woman who feels this way. I will not continue to guilt trip myself and make myself believe that every single one of these mishaps fall on mine and solely my shoulders. Were there actions I could have taken to make these situations better? Yes. I am not perfect. But it does not erase the fact that my platonic and intimate relationships have been shrouded with toxic masculinity and misogyny as a result of the patriarchy. So why am I calling out the men in my own communities when I could be calling out white people? Because without poc men on the same page as everybody else in the community, it delays and fucks up our movement internally. 

*this post is very heteronormative, I understand as I am a cishet straight poc woman. to include queerness into this conversation is (1) something I am not qualified or knowledgeable enough to speak on and (2) would introduce an entirely new level of complexity that would make this rant WAY too long, longer than it already is*