#god she deserves to luxuriate in piles of gold for ever and ever

[freckleslikestars]

Honey, you should see me in a crown

Claudia Black as Vala Mal Doran in STARGATE SG-1 9.02 | Avalon pt. 2

[noctis-noctua]

I, Kaeya Alberich, Take Thee

Pairing: Kaeya x Fem. Reader

Count: 1976

Description: Kaeya knows that be does not deserve anything he desires. There is nothing he can do to make you his, but so badly does he wish there was.

Content: Unrequited love, angst, bittersweet ending, marriage.

Warnings: Slight spoiler for Kaeya's backstory but an addition of (non-canon!) Prince Kaeya.

In another universe, maybe I am not cursed so by the Gods. Kaeya resists the urge to nibble on the tail-end of his quill. It was unbecoming for a man of his stature to succumb to unsanitary habits. Plus, this particular pen hailed from a crow’s feather, hunted by the hands of a childhood friend. The intricate quill had not been put to use for a substantial amount of time, but it fits into Kaeya’s hand as if it came to shape its spine based on the curvature of his own grasp. He could get used to signing off documents and organizing civil affairs if it meant succumbing to such mundane sensations. The morning sun dripping onto his mahogany desks and floors, a faint scratch of keratin against ivory paper filling the empty space… It has been a long time since he’s made the decision to take over petty bureau duties. Today is a special day. Kaeya needs to focus on the satisfying echoes of paper and pen, on the sunlight heating his back, or he might just go insane.

    The clamor of bells tugs Kaeya from his mechanical performance. Each ring is a song of desperation, a performance begging for his attention. Come out and celebrate! Indulge in the pain. He is not a man that falls prey to anger, but he cannot help that frustrated itch in his stomach as he hears the iron reverberating. Please just be quiet, Kaeya thinks. Let me forget. The hesitant croak of his door alerts Kaeya to the presence of the Acting Grand Master. She dons an outfit unique from her usual uniform - a cream-colored dress, embroidered by floral lace, a single azure ribbon tying at the waist. So even the straight-edged Jean has taken time off today? 

    “Kaeya, you can’t make these excuses forever.” He knows from how Jean closes the door with unperturbed silence that this is not a conversation regarding hilichurl nests or Fatui diplomats. He can tell from the way Jean drops the mature title of ‘Sir’ in favor of his childhood nickname, that it is a conversation Jean feels must be approached with gentleness as if Kaeya is a stray cat that claws at feeding hands. The Grand Master releases a heaved exhale because both of them dread this discussion as much as the other. There is an inherent wrong in seeing Kaeya distressed. He may not be shedding tears in solitude or resigning himself to the dormitories, but he is hiding, and that is enough for Jean to observe that he is not functioning as normal.

    “Please, come for a little while. I know it’s not… something you want to see, but he’s your brother. Offer a small congratulations at the least.” Her heels tap on the polished hardwood.

    “I was planning on coming by later this evening.  Tell them I’m sorry for not being able to attend the main event. How could I? Just look at all this paperwork.” Kaeya’s signature chuckle follows, putting up a front of careless flirtation. It is not uncommon for Jean to rope the Cavalry Captain into his desk chair. Lord knows he’d never do it otherwise… yet now he claims servitude to the dulling labor. How ironic. 

    “I’ll tell them of your apologies… but both of us know that paperwork isn’t the reason you can’t make it.” Jean turns around, blonde hair trailing in the breeze left behind before Kaeya can quip up a rebuttal. She’s right. Jean is always right. The papers piling on his desk are from the drawers of his subordinates, filed away to be completed in another five months' time. There is no reason they had to be done today. He is hiding. He is a coward and a pathetic one at that. The thought alone provokes Kaeya to tug on his studded gloves and push out his chair. His sights are set on leaving because to be seen as a frail child is to fail at the sole thing he succeeds at. Being the chivalrous Cavalry Captain renowned for his beauty and failsafe charm is the one thing he cannot lose because he cannot let Mondstadt see how fragile he is behind the visage. 

    Mondstadt’s avenues are bustling. Oak tables identical to the ones across local taverns have been dressed in linen tablecloths and topped with miniature feasts. Children run between tables, tugging at each other’s shirts in a feisty game of tag as festive music tempts the adults to a dance. The tell-tale strums of Mondstadt’s No. 1 Bard’s lyre lead the crowds to the statue of Barbatos. Behind it, trails of petals line the paths leading to the limestone Cathedral. Couples, singles, and families alike make haste to enter through the carved doors. No one wants to miss this. Kaeya tugs on the collar of his fur coat, gazing at the entry before him. He can hear the music of an organ, romantic and rich, ricocheting from inside. 

    He steps into the Cathedral. The ceremony has yet to start and the pews continue to fill. Citizens scoot as close as possible to allow for more onlookers to take a seat. He finds a spot next to Huffman and a few other Knights, squished on the outer edge. It is three benches from the front. Too close for Kaeya to be comfortable. The croaking benches have long since met their capacity by now. Not a soul is missing, Kaeya reckons. Diluc Ragnvindr, the wine Tycoon, Mondstadt’s famous magnate, is marrying after all. It is no small occasion. Diluc’s brazen hair is a torch amidst fog, its perk hue garnering the eyes of all in the Cathedral. He is dressed in a suave black suit. It boasts minuscule gold embellishments followed by a hefty crimson cape draped on his shoulders. Even dressed in the furs and fabrics of royalty, one could sense a distinct awkwardness from him. If you’re going to marry her, at least look confident, brother. 

    It hurts. He cannot lie to himself - not that Kaeya was trying to in the first place. There is a pain associated with seeing the woman he loves marrying the brother that no longer desires to even speak to him. Now, Kaeya regrets standing up from his busy work. These thoughts won’t stop their festering, and it punches a hole through his stomach. Kaeya is all-too-aware that tonight, you will climb into Diluc’s sheets. He’d treat you kindly, of course. He grew up with Diluc and has seen his rigorous nobility tutors shape him into the gentleman he is today. There is no doubt that you will live a lavish life of luxury. A life Kaeya could never afford to give you. 

    In Khaenri’ah, Kaeya’s title of ‘Prince’ holds as much merit as it does in Teyvat. His people are dead or suffering. His city has crumbled into dust and shards of a forgotten legacy. Kaeya himself serves one purpose, and that is to bring glory back to the Eclipse Dynasty. It is in these times that Kaeya regrets being born royalty to a lost nation. In the solace of his chambers, Kaeya would stare at the painted ceiling and ponder. If I were born someone else entirely, would you give me a chance? But who is he kidding? Kaeya knows he’s handsome. It’s stupid and unreasonable to be so self-deprecating. He isn’t the one marrying you because he wasn’t Diluc Ragnvindr. He wasn’t from a line of Mondstadtian heroes; he was from the ashes of sinners and embers of civilization. He was Kaeya Alberich, Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius, caught between familial loyalty and a stinging betrayal. Of course he wasn’t marrying you. 

    The Cathedral doors groan as the nuns heave them open. Light floods in and frames the feminine body of the lady of Mondstadt. In your hands, a bouquet of calla lilies. On your body, a silken robe of pearls and diamonds. It flows at your back, fluttering in the blessed gales of Barbatos’. Kaeya swore that as a Khaenri’ahn, he would never see the Gates of Celestia. But this… this, he thinks, might be the closest glimpse he gets. No one dares to speak. She is beautiful. She has always been beautiful. Time slows as Kaeya lets himself take in the sight of you pledging your livelihood to his brother, and his brother’s livelihood to you. 

     Then, as if he is an innocent child once again, Kaeya closes his eyes as you two kiss. Clapping and cheers fill the atmosphere. 

    “To the Ragnvindr’s! Oley!”

    “Say, Kaeya, do you ever wanna get married?” The girl questions from Kaeya’s backside. 

    “Maybe. Then I can show off in front of my lovely wife! That would be cool, wouldn’t it, Diluc?” Kaeya jests, elbowing his step-brother’s chest. Diluc rolls his eyes, ever the prodigy. 

    “We’re still young. There’s no use thinking about such things. Shouldn’t you focus on training?” He grumbles. Kaeya knows that he will never have a lucky wife. He will never have a healthy family, or a thriving home, or a genuine relationship. Those are nothing more than dreams to Kaeya.

    The girl grabs Kaeya’s arm and begins running into the fields of grapes and firs. There is a childlike giggle dispersing for all in the neighborhood to hear, fading out as they lose sight of the manor. Reaching the edge of the cliffside, they halt. It overlooks a sapphire river below, fit for one of Master Crepus’ paintings. Diluc had been abandoned long ago. 

    “Hey, Kaeya, the water kind of looks like your hair.” The girl remarks, nuzzling closer to him. He feels his heart thrashing in its cage, begging him not to react, begging him not to ruin the fate of his country. To the girl, he smells of linen, lampgrass, and sweat, much as a kid his age should. Silence settles onto their shoulders, both of them catching breaths that had been stolen in the wind. “I didn’t ask before because I thought Diluc would get mad, but… Kaeya, how about we get married when we grow up?” How silly, Kaeya thinks. I couldn’t marry you if I wanted to. 

    “Hmm, okay. So you’ll be my lucky wife then?” Kaeya plummets down onto the grass and grins. It tickles the back of his neck and stains his blouse a verdant green. He dreams of dreaming, because that is all Khaenri’ahns like him can do. He dreams of coming home to your embrace or trudging back from battle hand-in-hand. Either one is okay. Anything with you is okay. 

    “Of course, stupid. That’s what marriage is. So you’ll be my lucky husband!” Lucky husband. It fills his heart with an immature pride too chaste for a traitor of his caliber. 

    “Deal!” 

    “Deal.” 

    They are naive children making impossible promises, but a part of Kaeya has never unlatched from those delicate whispers. Khaenri’ahns dream of dreaming, but just this once, Kaeya wished he could dream of you.

    “So, Sir Kaeya, are you going to marry soon? Youth is fleeting! Get a wife while you’re young.” One of the Knights suggests, sliding him a suggestive beam. Kaeya let’s himself open his eyes. He processes the blinding light from colored panes of glass spilling over him, the jovial expressions of the citizens he has sworn to protect, and you grasping onto Diluc’s arm, a longing of adoration phasing across your features. Happy. You are happy. He turns towards the knight, cracking a smile.

    “Don’t be silly - I’m already married, Huffman.” He lets the novice soldier ogle at him for a few seconds. “I’m joking. Lighten up.” Huffman releases a hearty chortle, commenting on his Captain’s sense of humor and putting a hand to his chest. He laughs along, but Kaeya knows there is no joke. 

Don’t be silly. I’m already married. It was a deal, after all.

[stormcrow-whispers]

Nightmare

Kallista found herself walking along a winding, crooked street. The cobblestones beneath her hooves were a welcome relief from the mud and the dirt they’d been tramping through while on the road. Or at least they were until she started slipping on them. It was certainly odd, this didn’t usually happen. Come to think of it, the buildings around her looked a lot bigger than she was used to. This wasn’t normal at all, unless...

As she passed by a closed shop front, she caught her reflection in one of the large windows. She was no longer longer six feet tall, her horns no longer large spirals, her hair was shoulder length, and she had only one small set of gold studs in her ears instead of her usual dozen. She was little again, around 5 years old, with chubby cheeks and big eyes and knobby knees. She whipped her head around to get a better look at the buildings around her, and after a few seconds realized exactly where she was and where she was going. She was in the Stone District in Holden, in the neighborhood she was born in, walking towards her parents old apothecary shop.

Ah, this dream again.

If this is what kind of nightmare the creature was going to conjure up, she wasn't quite sure what all the fuss was about. She'd gone through the motions of it so many times she knew exactly what to expect. It was hardly frightening at this point. If anything it was annoying.

The dream was always the same. She’d walk home from running an errand for her parents a few doors down, then would open the door and find a hooded figure attacking them. In her younger years that meant her mother and father, but once Ronan took her in it switched to him. How many times now had she had this dream, watched helplessly as this strange figure murdered him? She’d lost count.

She was too tired for this shit. She just wanted to sleep in peace.

She stubbornly tried to walk in the opposite direction to see if she could somehow get out of it, but no matter which way she went the buildings would blend together and transform so she’d end up right back in front of the shop. It was useless.

She let out a frustrated sigh and stomped forward. If she was going to have to live through this dream for the millionth time, she might as well get it over with. She shoved the heavy wooden door open and took a few steps inside. Almost as soon as she’d crossed the threshold, she froze in place at the sight that greeted her.

It wasn’t just Ronan in trouble this time, Granny, Lawrence, and Tom were there too. And all three of them were lying motionless, facedown in a pool of their own blood. These were the last people she’d written letters to, people who’d been in her thoughts, people she cared for, some very deeply, all dead and dying because of her.

This was a little more along the lines of what she’d been expecting from the rumors she’d heard. But it didn’t make it any easier to stomach.

The sound of Ronan’s voice snapped her from her frozen state.

“Get out of here! Run!”

She turned towards the sound of his voice and found him hunched over on the ground, beat up and bloody, body shaking with each of his ragged breaths. He was clutching at his side, blood oozing out from underneath his fingers, staining his clothes and dripping onto the stone floor. Even from this distance, she could tell he wasn’t long for this world. He gestured wildly at her to leave, a pleading look in his eyes.

“Kallista please! RUN!”

A flicker of movement in the shadows behind him caught her attention, and she watched as a tall dark hooded figure appeared from out of the darkness. The same figure that always plagued her nightmares. It had no eyes, no nose, no discernible features other than claw like hands and an unsettlingly large mouth full of big white teeth. She watched as the thing loomed closer to Ronan, producing a sharp dagger from its cloak and raising it high to prepare to make the killing blow.

Before the thing had a chance to strike, Kallista threw herself in front of it, arms outstretched to shield Ronan even though it was somewhat pointless given her current size. She knew this was a dream, knew it wouldn't make any difference, that the thing would probably kill them both and she’d wake up like nothing happened. But if the dream was already so off track, why not try to change it? She could hear Ronan behind her, pleading for her to go, to get out and save herself, to forget about him, but she couldn’t do that. Not this time. Not without putting up a fight first.

The creature sneered at her. “Oh, are you going to try and stop me? It won’t make a difference. They’re all going to die and there’s nothing you can do to save them. You’re too far from home to do any of them any good.”

Kallista stood her ground, puffing up her chest in defiance. “I’m not stupid, I know this is a dream. They’re all fine”

The creature chuckled in amusement at her display. The sound sent a shiver down her spine. “They don’t care about you, you know. Not really. They just don’t want to admit how much they hate you to your face. It’s only a matter of time before they abandon you like your parents did.”

“Shut up! You’re wrong! You’re lying!”

“Are you sure about that?”

At that Kallista faltered. It wasn’t for more than a split second, but it was enough to make the grin on the creature’s face widen with glee.

“Of course I’m sure. What reason would they have for lying to me?” She tried her best to sound confident, but it was hard to hide the slight waver in her voice. As much as she hated to admit it, she did sometimes worry her loved ones resented her.

The hooded figured watched her curiously. It slowly paced around the room, circling Kallista and the bodies, never taking its eyes off her. Eventually it stopped somewhere in the middle of it all, and even though it didn’t have eyes, Kallista could feel its gaze boring into her. It made all the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

One of its gnarled hands emerged from its cloak. It pointed to Tom. “You made him, someone you’d just met, relive his childhood trauma instead of leaving it well enough alone. You forced him into an unwanted friendship instead of letting him forget you. What makes you think someone who aspires to help the needy, someone who is blessed by a god, would want to associate with a low life criminal like you?”

Kallista flinched. Those thoughts had definitely run through her head more than once, both before and after she’d confessed their shared past to him. She thought he’d taken it well, that they could be friends, but...maybe it was right. Maybe she’d been too selfish. Maybe he’d lied about wanting to keep in touch to humor her. Maybe she shouldn’t have said anything.

It pointed to Granny next, “You think she cares about you? That she spares even a moment of thought on you? You were a terrible student and your magic is subpar. You’re a disappointment to her name and talent. An absolute embarrassment.”

Kallista frowned. Granny had always been extra tough on her, but she thought she at least tolerated her. She’d spent all that extra time teaching her to knit after all. And she’d happily accepted all the gifts she’d knit for her. Sure, she hadn’t had the chance to practice her magic much recently, but she thought her magic was still pretty good. But...maybe she was wrong. Had she really been that bad? Had she really sullied Granny’s reputation? Had Granny told her there was nothing more she could teach her just to get her out of her hair? Maybe she shouldn’t have written that letter to her after all...

The creature pointed to Lawrence. “You really think he cares about you in any sort of way? You’re nothing but a nuisance, getting in the way of his relationship with your father, getting in the way of his work, constantly adding to his pile, asking him for favors you don’t even deserve.”

Kallista’s face fell even more. It definitely wasn’t wrong about this one. Even though she’d known Lawrence since she was little, even though he was part of her family in a way, she really had no right to ask favors of him or to get in his way. If he hated her, she definitely deserved it. She’d hate herself too if she was in his shoes. All she ever did was get in the way of things.

The figure pointed to Ronan last. Ronan’s breathing had turned raspy and shallow, his lilac eyes faded and unfocused, seemingly on the brink of death, voice barely a whisper as he pleaded to Kallista one last time. The figure’s already unsettlingly wide smile grew even larger.

“Think of the life you robbed him of by forcing him to take you in.”

Suddenly the scene before her changed. The shop, its many herb lined shelves, the bodies on the floor, the blood, the figure, it all faded away. In its stead appeared Ronan’s apartment, only it was nothing like the home she was familiar with. There was no singe marks on the walls from her rogue firebolts, none of the drawings she’d made him hung up on the walls, no ridiculous tiny rug covering the stained floorboards from her hoof paint accident, no signs of their rats, no knit blankets or knit anything, and she was sure if she went into her room all the paintings they’d made together on her wall would be gone too. None of the things that reminded her of home were there. The place looked impeccable.

It was as if she’d never stumbled into his life.

She heard a familiar bark of laughter behind her, and when she turned to face it she found Ronan, no longer injured, glass of wine in hand, lounging on the couch with Lawrence, a big grin on his face. He looked younger and happier. The scar on his hand from her shadowing mishap was gone, he had less wrinkles, and the tiredness that had set over him recently in his age seemed to have all but disappeared. Judging by the armor hung on a rack in the corner, he’d gone through the ranks and become a top tier member of the Gash. And if the stack of paperwork sitting on the coffee table under hefty bags of gold pieces was any indication, he’d retired young and in luxury and had plans in motion to open that tea shop he always talked so fondly of.

Her stomach dropped. Was this really what she’d taken from him? Had she really changed his life so much for the worse? Had she really made him so unhappy? She let out a wet sniff, tears welling up in her eyes as a wave of self loathing and despair took over her.

At the sound of her sniffling, Ronan glanced in her direction. His smile was quickly replaced with a look of utter disgust, his gaze turning into a menacing, ire filled glare. Kallista shrunk in on herself, taking a step back in fear. When he spoke, his voice was dripping with malice.

“It's all your fault I’m stuck in the rut I’m in. That I’ve gotten nowhere in life and retired with nothing to show for all my hard work. I’d be so much happier without you. I’d have fewer problems without you. I never wanted kids, especially not one like you. I’ll never get to where I wanted to be in life because you meddled. That’s all you’ve ever done. Meddled in my business like the little terror that you are and made everything so much worse.”

Kallista shook her head in disbelief, the tears in her eyes threatening to brim over. This was all a dream. It couldn’t be true, it just couldn’t.

“B-but...but you...I...I thought…” she stuttered out, wringing her hands together nervously.

Ronan let out another bark of laughter. It sounded sick and sinister and wrong. “You thought what? That I cared for you? That I loved you? That I saw you as a daughter? As family? Please. Don't you know a lie when you hear one? You should know better by now, considering lying to people is all you ever do. You’re pathetic. How could I ever love the street rat who ruined my life? How could I ever care for the little terror that destroyed what little bit of peace and happiness that I had? How could anyone love someone as obnoxious and terrible as you.”

Kallista fell to her knees. Tom, Granny, and Lawrence she could handle. Hell, seeing Ronan die in her dreams she could handle these days, even if it was still hard to stomach. But this? Hearing the person she looked up to and considered her father saying these things, things she’d always worried about, things she’d always feared? It was too much. Her tears finally began to fall as she broke down in a heap on the floor.

What was the point of it all if her family hated and resented her? What use was she to anyone?

She just wanted it to be over. She wanted to disappear.

She barely acknowledged Ronan getting up from the couch and striding towards her, the wine glass in his hand replaced by a dagger as he transformed into the dark hooded figure. It cackled and raised its knife high, ready to make the final blow.

Kallista woke with a start. Heart racing, her hands scrambled across her chest in search of the stab wound the creature had surely inflicted, red eyes blinking rapidly as she adjusted to her surroundings. Her panic subsided when the world finally came into focus. She found no wounds on her chest, instead finding herself tangled up in her cloak and furs.

She was ok. She was safe. It had just been a bad dream. Everything was ok.

The contents of the nightmare came flooding back to her, and with it the tears and despair. She curled up and cried softly so no one would hear, pulling her cloak tightly around herself. She clung to the bandana Ronan gave her like a lifeline.

She hoped they’d all write her back soon. She hoped they were all okay.

She hoped beyond hope that Ronan didn’t hate her and that none of this was true.

[casscutting]

2020 Most Anticipated Releases... So Far!

I know this week was supposed to be dedicated to TIP and Tricks but last week was a shit show for my family. Sometime in the early morning of the 20th, my mom’s sister passed away in her home then this past Saturday our only means of transportation stopped working and there’s nothing we can do to get it working again. So I needed something easy to post about. So here are my 2020 most anticipated releases thus far lol. I only put thus far because I don’t know EVERY book coming out in a given year so these are the ones I know about.

*NOTE if it is a sequel I won’t give a synopsis but each book is linked to Goodreads

My number 1 most anticipated may not be coming out this year but if it is it’s The Savior's Sister by Jenna Moreci

Come Tumbling Down (Wayward Children, #5) January 7th 2020 by Seanan McGuire

The Memory of Souls (A Chorus of Dragons, #3) August 25th 2020 by Jenn Lyons

The Unspoken Name (The Serpent Gates, #1) February 11th 2020 by A. K. Larkwood

What if you knew how and when you will die?

Csorwe does — she will climb the mountain, enter the Shrine of the Unspoken, and gain the most honored title: sacrifice.

But on the day of her foretold death, a powerful mage offers her a new fate. Leave with him, and live. Turn away from her destiny and her god to become a thief, a spy, an assassin—the wizard's loyal sword. Topple an empire, and help him reclaim his seat of power.

But Csorwe will soon learn – gods remember, and if you live long enough, all debts come due.

The Shadows Between Us February 25th 2020 by Tricia Levenseller

Alessandra is tired of being overlooked, but she has a plan to gain power:

1) Woo the Shadow King. 2) Marry him. 3) Kill him and take his kingdom for herself.

No one knows the extent of the freshly crowned Shadow King’s power. Some say he can command the shadows that swirl around him to do his bidding. Others say they speak to him, whispering the thoughts of his enemies. Regardless, Alessandra knows what she deserves, and she’s going to do everything within her power to get it.

But Alessandra’s not the only one trying to kill the king. As attempts on his life are made, she finds herself trying to keep him alive long enough for him to make her his queen—all while struggling not to lose her heart. After all, who better for a Shadow King than a cunning, villainous queen?

The Gilded Ones (Deathless #1) May 26th 2020 by Namina Forna

Sixteen-year-old Deka lives in fear and anticipation of the blood ceremony that will determine whether she will become a member of her village. Already different from everyone else because of her unnatural intuition, Deka prays for red blood so she can finally feel like she belongs.

But on the day of the ceremony, her blood runs gold, the color of impurity--and Deka knows she will face a consequence worse than death.

Then a mysterious woman comes to her with a choice: stay in the village and submit to her fate, or leave to fight for the emperor in an army of girls just like her. They are called alaki--near-immortals with rare gifts. And they are the only ones who can stop the empire's greatest threat.

Knowing the dangers that lie ahead yet yearning for acceptance, Deka decides to leave the only life she's ever known. But as she journeys to the capital to train for the biggest battle of her life, she will discover that the great walled city holds many surprises. Nothing and no one are quite what they seem to be--not even Deka herself.

Scavenge the Stars (Scavenge the Stars #1)  January 7th 2020 by Tara Sim

When Amaya rescues a mysterious stranger from drowning, she fears her rash actions have earned her a longer sentence on the debtor ship where she’s been held captive for years. Instead, the man she saved offers her unimaginable riches and a new identity, setting Amaya on a perilous course through the coastal city-state of Moray, where old-world opulence and desperate gamblers collide.

Amaya wants one thing: revenge against the man who ruined her family and stole the life she once had. But the more entangled she becomes in this game of deception—and as her path intertwines with the son of the man she’s plotting to bring down—the more she uncovers about the truth of her past. And the more she realizes she must trust no one…

Where Dreams Descend (Kingdom of Cards #1) June 2nd 2020 by Janella Angeles

In a city covered in ice and ruin, a group of magicians face off in a daring game of magical feats to find the next headliner of the Conquering Circus, only to find themselves under the threat of an unseen danger striking behind the scenes.

As each act becomes more and more risky and the number of missing magicians piles up, three are forced to reckon with their secrets before the darkness comes for them next.

The Star: Kallia, a powerful showgirl out to prove she’s the best no matter the cost

The Master: Jack, the enigmatic keeper of the club, and more than one lie told

The Magician: Demarco, the brooding judge with a dark past he can no longer hide

Where Dreams Descend is the startling and romantic first book in Janella Angeles’ debut Kingdom of Cards fantasy duology where magic is both celebrated and feared, and no heart is left unscathed.

The Kingdom of Back March 3rd 2020 by Marie Lu

Two siblings. Two brilliant talents. But only one Mozart.

Born with a gift for music, Nannerl Mozart has just one wish—to be remembered forever. But even as she delights audiences with her masterful playing, she has little hope she'll ever become the acclaimed composer she longs to be. She is a young woman in 18th century Europe, and that means composing is forbidden to her. She will perform only until she reaches a marriageable age—her tyrannical father has made that much clear.

And as Nannerl's hope grows dimmer with each passing year, the talents of her beloved younger brother, Wolfgang, only seem to shine brighter. His brilliance begins to eclipse her own, until one day a mysterious stranger from a magical land appears with an irresistible offer. He has the power to make her wish come true—but his help may cost her everything.

Set Fire to the Gods (Set Fire to the Gods #1) August 4th 2020 by Sara Raasch

Ash is descended from a long line of gladiators, and she knows the brutal nature of war firsthand. But after her mother dies in an arena, she vows to avenge her by overthrowing her fire god, whose temper has stripped her country of its resources.

Madoc grew up fighting on the streets to pay his family's taxes. But he hides a dangerous secret: he doesn't have the earth god’s powers like his opponents. His elemental gift is something else—something that hasn't been seen in centuries.

When an attempted revenge plot goes dangerously wrong, Ash inadvertently throws the fire and earth gods into a conflict that can only be settled by deadly, lavish gladiator games. The fights put Madoc in Ash's path, and she realizes that his powers are the weapon her rebellion needs—but Madoc won’t jeopardize his family, regardless of how intrigued he is by the beautiful warrior.

But when the gods force Madoc’s hand, he and Ash uncover an ancient war that will threaten more than one immortal—it will unravel the world.

Goddess in the Machine (Goddess in the Machine #1) June 30th 2020 by Lora Beth Johnson

When Andra wakes up, she’s drowning.

Not only that, but she’s in a hot, dirty cave, it’s the year 3102, and everyone keeps calling her Goddess. When Andra went into a cryonic sleep for a trip across the galaxy, she expected to wake up in a hundred years, not a thousand. Worst of all, the rest of the colonists–including her family and friends–are dead. They died centuries ago, and for some reason, their descendants think Andra’s a deity. She knows she’s nothing special, but she’ll play along if it means she can figure out why she was left in stasis and how to get back to Earth.

Zhade, the exiled bastard prince of Eerensed, has other plans. Four years ago, the sleeping Goddess’s glass coffin disappeared from the palace, and Zhade devoted himself to finding it. Now he’s hoping the Goddess will be the key to taking his rightful place on the throne–if he can get her to play her part, that is. Because if his people realize she doesn’t actually have the power to save their dying planet, they’ll kill her.

With a vicious monarch on the throne and a city tearing apart at the seams, Zhade and Andra might never be able to unlock the mystery of her fate, let alone find a way to unseat the king, especially since Zhade hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with Andra. And a thousand years from home, is there any way of knowing that Earth is better than the planet she’s woken to?

Incendiary (Hollow Crown #1) April 28th 2020 by Zoraida Córdova

Renata Convida was only a child when she was kidnapped by the King's Justice and brought to the luxurious palace of Andalucia. As a Robari, the rarest and most feared of the magical Moria, Renata's ability to steal memories from royal enemies enabled the King's Wrath, a siege that resulted in the deaths of thousands of her own people.

Now Renata is one of the Whispers, rebel spies working against the crown and helping the remaining Moria escape the kingdom bent on their destruction. The Whispers may have rescued Renata from the palace years ago, but she cannot escape their mistrust and hatred--or the overpowering memories of the hundreds of souls she turned "hollow" during her time in the palace.

When Dez, the commander of her unit, is taken captive by the notorious Sangrado Prince, Renata will do anything to save the boy whose love makes her place among the Whispers bearable. But a disastrous rescue attempt means Renata must return to the palace under cover and complete Dez's top secret mission. Can Renata convince her former captors that she remains loyal, even as she burns for vengeance against the brutal, enigmatic prince? Her life and the fate of the Moria depend on it.

But returning to the palace stirs childhood memories long locked away. As Renata grows more deeply embedded in the politics of the royal court, she uncovers a secret in her past that could change the entire fate of the kingdom--and end the war that has cost her everything.

Red Hood February 25th 2020 by Elana K. Arnold

You are alone in the woods, seen only by the unblinking yellow moon. Your hands are empty. You are nearly naked.

And the wolf is angry.

Since her grandmother became her caretaker when she was four years old, Bisou Martel has lived a quiet life in a little house in Seattle. She’s kept mostly to herself. She’s been good. But then comes the night of homecoming, when she finds herself running for her life over roots and between trees, a fury of claws and teeth behind her. A wolf attacks. Bisou fights back. A new moon rises. And with it, questions. About the blood in Bisou’s past and on her hands as she stumbles home. About broken boys and vicious wolves. About girls lost in the woods—frightened, but not alone.

A Song of Wraiths and Ruin (A Song of Wraiths and Ruin #1) June 2nd 2020 by Roseanne A. Brown

The first in an immersive fantasy duology inspired by West African folklore in which a grieving crown princess and a desperate refugee find themselves on a collision course to murder each other despite their growing attraction—from debut author Roseanne A. Brown. Perfect for fans of Tomi Adeyemi, Renée Ahdieh, and Sabaa Tahir.

For Malik, the Solstasia festival is a chance to escape his war-stricken home and start a new life with his sisters in the prosperous desert city of Ziran. But when a vengeful spirit abducts Malik’s younger sister, Nadia, as payment into the city, Malik strikes a fatal deal—kill Karina, Crown Princess of Ziran, for Nadia’s freedom.

But Karina has deadly aspirations of her own. Her mother, the Sultana, has been assassinated; her court threatens mutiny; and Solstasia looms like a knife over her neck. Grief-stricken, Karina decides to resurrect her mother through ancient magic . . . requiring the beating heart of a king. And she knows just how to obtain one: by offering her hand in marriage to the victor of the Solstasia competition.

When Malik rigs his way into the contest, they are set on a heart-pounding course to destroy each other. But as attraction flares between them and ancient evils stir, will they be able to see their tasks to the death?

The Queen's Assassin (Queen's Secret #1) February 4th 2020 by Melissa de la Cruz

Caledon Holt is the Kingdom of Renovia's deadliest weapon. No one alive can best him in brawn or brains, which is why he's the Guild's most dangerous member and the Queen's one and only assassin. He's also bound to the Queen by an impossible vow--to find the missing Deian Scrolls, the fount of all magical history and knowledge, stolen years ago by a nefarious sect called the Aphrasians.

Shadow has been training all her life to follow in the footsteps of her mother and aunts--to become skilled enough to join the ranks of the Guild. Though magic has been forbidden since the Aphrasian uprising, Shadow has been learning to control her powers in secret, hoping that one day she'll become an assassin as feared and revered as Caledon Holt.

When a surprise attack brings Shadow and Cal together, they're forced to team up as assassin and apprentice to hunt down a new sinister threat to Renovia. But as Cal and Shadow grow closer, they'll uncover a shocking web of lies and secrets that may destroy everything they hold dear. With war on the horizon and true love at risk, they'll stop at nothing to protect each other and their kingdom in this stunning first novel in the Queen's Secret series.

Witches of Ash and Ruin March 3rd 2020 by E. Latimer

Seventeen-year-old Dayna Walsh is struggling to cope with her somatic OCD; the aftermath of being outed as bisexual in her conservative Irish town; and the return of her long-absent mother, who barely seems like a parent. But all that really matters to her is ascending and finally, finally becoming a full witch-plans that are complicated when another coven, rumored to have a sordid history with black magic, arrives in town with premonitions of death. Dayna immediately finds herself at odds with the bewitchingly frustrating Meiner King, the granddaughter of their coven leader.

And then a witch turns up murdered at a local sacred site, along with the blood symbol of the Butcher of Manchester-an infamous serial killer whose trail has long gone cold. The killer's motives are enmeshed in a complex web of witches and gods, and Dayna and Meiner soon find themselves at the center of it all. If they don't stop the Butcher, one of them will be next.

With razor-sharp prose and achingly real characters, E. Latimer crafts a sweeping, mesmerizing story of dark magic and brutal mythology set against a backdrop of contemporary Ireland that's impossible to put down.

All These Monsters (Monsters #1) July 7th 2020 by Amy Tintera

Seventeen-year-old Clara is ready to fight back. Fight back against her abusive father, fight back against the only life she’s ever known, and most of all, fight back against scrabs, the earth-dwelling monsters that are currently ravaging the world. So when an opportunity arises for Clara to join an international monster-fighting squad, she jumps at the chance.

When Clara starts training with her teammates, however, she realizes what fighting monsters really means: sore muscles, exhaustion, and worst of all, death. Scrabs are unpredictable, violent, and terrifying. But as Clara gains confidence in her battle skills, she starts to realize scrabs might not be the biggest evil. The true monsters are the ones you least expect.

Ghost Wood Song July 21st 2020 by Erica Waters

If I could have a fiddle made of Daddy’s bones, I’d play it. I’d learn all the secrets he kept.

Shady Grove inherited her father’s ability to call ghosts from the grave with his fiddle, but she also knows the fiddle’s tunes bring nothing but trouble and darkness.

But when her brother is accused of murder, she can’t let the dead keep their secrets.

In order to clear his name, she’s going to have to make those ghosts sing.

Family secrets, a gorgeously resonant LGBTQ love triangle, and just the right amount of creepiness make this young adult debut a haunting and hopeful story about facing everything that haunts us in the dark.

Cemetery Boys June 9th 2020 by Aiden Thomas

Yadriel has summoned a ghost, and now he can’t get rid of him.

When his traditional Latinx family has problems accepting his gender, Yadriel becomes determined to prove himself a real brujo. With the help of his cousin and best friend Maritza, he performs the ritual himself, and then sets out to find the ghost of his murdered cousin and set it free.

However, the ghost he summons is actually Julian Diaz, the school’s resident bad boy, and Julian is not about to go quietly into death. He’s determined to find out what happened and tie up some loose ends before he leaves. Left with no choice, Yadriel agrees to help Julian, so that they can both get what they want. But the longer Yadriel spends with Julian, the less he wants to let him leave.

The Princess Will Save You (The Princess Will Save You #1) July 7th 2020 by Sarah Henning

A PRINCESS A STABLE BOY A QUEST

When her father dies, Princess Amarande is given an ultimatum: Marry the leader of one of the four neighboring kingdoms, or lose her crown—and possibly her life. And to force her hand, her beloved, the stable boy Luca, is kidnapped.

But Amarande was raised to be a warrior, not a sacrifice.

And nothing will stop her from saving her true love and rescuing her kingdom.

The acclaimed author of Sea Witch turns the classic damsel-in-distress tale on its head with this story of adventure, identity, and love.

House of Dragons (House of Dragons #1) May 12th 2020 by Jessica Cluess

Five royal houses will hear the call to compete in the Trial for the dragon throne. A liar, a soldier, a servant, a thief, and a murderer will answer it. Who will win? Think THREE DARK CROWNS meets THE BREAKFAST CLUB with DRAGONS.

When the Emperor dies, the five royal houses of Etrusia attend the Call, where one of their own will be selected to compete for the throne. It is always the oldest child, the one who has been preparing for years to compete in the Trial. But this year is different. This year, these five outcasts will answer the call....

THE LIAR: Emilia must hide her dark magic or be put to death.

THE SOLDIER: Lucian is a warrior who has sworn to never lift a sword again.

THE SERVANT: Vespir is a dragon trainer whose skills alone will keep her in the game.

THE THIEF: Ajax knows that nothing is free--he must take what he wants.

THE MURDERER: Hyperia was born to rule and will stop at nothing to take her throne.

Cinderella Is Dead July 7th 2020 by Kalynn Bayron

It’s 200 years after Cinderella found her prince, but the fairy tale is over. Teen girls are now required to appear at the Annual Ball, where the men of the kingdom select wives based on a girl’s display of finery. If a suitable match is not found, the girls not chosen are never heard from again.

Sixteen-year-old Sophia would much rather marry Erin, her childhood best friend, than parade in front of suitors. At the ball, Sophia makes the desperate decision to flee, and finds herself hiding in Cinderella’s mausoleum. There, she meets Constance, the last known descendant of Cinderella and her step sisters. Together they vow to bring down the king once and for all–and in the process, they learn that there’s more to Cinderella’s story than they ever knew . . .

This fresh take on a classic story will make readers question the tales they’ve been told, and root for girls to break down the constructs of the world around them.

Shielded (Shielded #1) July 21st 2020 by KayLynn Flanders

The kingdom of Hálendi is in trouble. It's losing the war at its borders, and rumors of a new, deadlier threat on the horizon have surfaced. Princess Jennesara knows her skills on the battlefield would make her an asset and wants to help, but her father has other plans.

As the second-born heir to the throne, Jenna lacks the firstborn's--her brother's--magical abilities, so the king promises her hand in marriage to the prince of neighboring Turia in exchange for resources Hálendi needs. Jenna must leave behind everything she has ever known if she is to give her people a chance at peace.

Only, on the journey to reach her betrothed and new home, the royal caravan is ambushed, and Jenna realizes the rumors were wrong--the new threat is worse than anyone imagined. Now Jenna must decide if revealing a dangerous secret is worth the cost before it's too late--for her and for her entire kingdom.

The Seventh Sun (The Age of the Seventh Sun #1) February 18th 2020 by Lani Forbes

Thrust into leadership upon the death of his emperor father, young Prince Ahkin feels completely unready for his new position. Though his royal blood controls the power of the sun, he's now responsible for the lives of all the Chicome people. And despite all Ahkin's efforts, the sun is fading--and the end of the world may be at hand.

For Mayana, the only daughter of the Chicome family whose blood controls the power of water, the old emperor's death may mean that she is next. Prince Ahkin must be married before he can ascend the throne, and Mayana is one of six noble daughters presented to him as a possible wife. Those who are not chosen will be sacrificed to the gods.

Only one girl can become Ahkin's bride. Mayana and Ahkin feel an immediate connection, but the gods themselves may be against them. Both recognize that the ancient rites of blood that keep the gods appeased may be harming the Chicome more than they help. As a bloodred comet and the fading sun bring a growing sense of dread, only two young people may hope to change their world.

Rich in imagination and romance, and based on the legends and history of the Aztec and Maya people, The Seventh Sun brings to vivid life a world on the edge of apocalyptic disaster.

Of Silver and Shadow May 26th 2020 by Jennifer Gruenke

Ren Kolins is a silver wielder—a dangerous thing to be in the kingdom of Erdis, where magic has been outlawed for a century. Ren is just trying to survive, sticking to a life of petty thievery, card games, and pit fighting to get by. But when a wealthy rebel leader discovers her secret, he offers her a fortune to join his revolution. The caveat: she won’t see a single coin until they overthrow the King.

Behind the castle walls, a brutal group of warriors known as the King’s Children is engaged in a competition: the first to find the rebel leader will be made King’s Fang, the right hand of the King of Erdis. And Adley Farre is hunting down the rebels one by one, torturing her way to Ren and the rebel leader, and the coveted King’s Fang title.

But time is running out for all of them, including the youngest Prince of Erdis, who finds himself pulled into the rebellion. Political tensions have reached a boiling point, and Ren and the rebels must take the throne before war breaks out.

Kingdom of the Wicked (Kingdom of the Wicked #1) September 15th 2020 by Kerri Maniscalco

Emilia and her twin sister Victoria are strega - witches who live secretly among humans, avoiding notice and persecution. One night, Victoria misses dinner service at the family's renowned Sicilian restaurant. Emilia soon finds the body of her beloved twin...desecrated beyond belief. Devastated, Emilia sets out to discover who did this, and to seek vengeance at any cost—even if it means using dark magic that’s been long forbidden.

Then Emilia meets Wrath, the outlier among the seven demon brethren, always choosing duty over pleasure. He’s been tasked by his master with investigating a series of women’s murders on the island. When Emilia and Wrath’s fates collide, it’s clear this disturbing mystery will take a bewitching turn...

The Frost Eater (The Magic Eaters Trilogy #1) January 28th 2020 by Carol Beth Anderson

A lonely princess. A flying teen. A kidnapped girl who only remembers what happens at night.

Seventeen-year-old Princess Nora is a frost eater who creates magical ice. Her royal life is luxurious but stifling.

Krey West has a rare magical talent: when he eats feathers, he can fly. His one goal is to find his missing girlfriend, Zeisha. He thinks someone in power abducted her.

Krey’s daring feats of magic earn him an invitation to the palace. Craving adventure and friendship, Nora offers to help him find Zeisha. He’s desperate enough to accept—though he hates the monarchy.

The truth is more terrible than they could imagine.

Every night, Zeisha wakes in a dark room full of sleeping people, unable to remember what she did in the light. Her dreams provide violent glimpses into her forgotten days.

If Krey and Nora can’t save her, Zeisha may lose herself forever.

A Wicked Magic  July 28th 2020 by Sasha Laurens

Dan and Liss are witches. The Black Book granted them that power. Harnessing that power feels good, especially when everything in their lives makes them feel powerless.

During a spell gone wrong, Liss's boyfriend is snatched away by an evil entity and presumed dead. Dan and Liss's friendship dies that night, too. How can they practice magic after the darkness that they conjured?

Months later, Liss discovers that her boyfriend is alive, trapped underground in the grips of an ancient force. She must save him, and she needs Dan and the power of The Black Book to do so. Dan is quickly sucked back into Liss's orbit and pushes away her best friend, Alexa. But Alexa has some big secrets she's hiding and her own unique magical disaster to deal with.

When another teenager disappears, the girls know it's no coincidence. What greedy magic have they awakened? And what does it want with these teens it has stolen?

Set in the atmospheric wilds of California's northern coast, Sasha Laurens's thrilling debut novel is about the complications of friendship, how to take back power, and how to embrace the darkness that lives within us all.

Ink in the Blood (Ink in The Blood #1) February 11th 2020 by Kim Smejkal

Celia Sand and her best friend, Anya Burtoni, are inklings for the esteemed religion of Profeta. Using magic, they tattoo followers with beautiful images that represent the Divine’s will and guide the actions of the recipients. It’s considered a noble calling, but ten years into their servitude Celia and Anya know the truth: Profeta is built on lies, the tattooed orders strip away freedom, and the revered temple is actually a brutal, torturous prison.

Their opportunity to escape arrives with the Rabble Mob, a traveling theater troupe. Using their inkling abilities for performance instead of propaganda, Celia and Anya are content for the first time . . . until they realize who followed them. The Divine they never believed in is very real, very angry, and determined to use Celia, Anya, and the Rabble Mob’s now-infamous stage to spread her deceitful influence even further.

To protect their new family from the wrath of a malicious deity and the zealots who work in her name, Celia and Anya must unmask the biggest lie of all—Profeta itself.

[joyfullightbouquetblog-blog]

The absolute best and worst ice cream truck treats

New Post has been published on https://www.uberbuyer.com/2018/07/13/the-absolute-best-and-worst-ice-cream-truck-treats/

The absolute best and worst ice cream truck treats

The shrill screams of “IT’S HERE” every time the ice cream truck arrives is a staple of an American summer. Even now, as an adult, I still get that emotional rush when the truck pulls onto my block.

But as a kid, it was always the sheer number of choices that made me question my entire existence. God forbid made an awful selection, wasting A WHOLE $2.00 of my parents’ cash. To avoid a crisis like this for yourself, here are the best and worst treats that your local ice cream truck has to offer.

The following ranking is a matter not of opinion, but of fact.

The Best

1. The Choco Taco

Whoever created this Klondike masterpiece deserves to retire in absolute peace and luxury. The waffle cone taco shell is so innovative, perfect for holding vanilla ice cream mixed with fudge swirls. Choco Taco brought new meaning to the word “crunch” and always makes for a satisfying ice cream snack. 

2. The Firecracker

Such a summertime classic. Kids will often slurp this Popsicle product on the Fourth of July because, you know, ‘Murica. The red, white, and blue ice pop features three flavors — cherry, white lemon, and blue raspberry — making it essentially a three-for-one deal. As a kid, these things felt HUGE to me.

3. The Push-Up Pop

Nestlé really tried here. I can see what they’re going for: a mess-free ice cream pop that you can take your time eating. It never works out that way, but who cares? These things are so good, it doesn’t matter if you need three paper towels after eating.

4. The Drumstick

This Nestlé creation takes the the classic ice cream scoop on a cone and turns it into something incredible. A scoop of vanilla ice cream encased in a chocolate shell and topped with nuts is completely revolutionary. Your fave could never.

5. Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bar

This bar by Good Humor is the pinnacle of ice cream-pop perfection. You get the sweet taste of strawberry ice cream with a crunchy exterior that makes it feel like you’re eating an actual strawberry shortcake. 10/10.

6. The Ice Cream Sandwich 

Another classic that will always be a solid choice, this treat most definitely paved the way for other variations of smooshed ice cream. Having sticky, chocolate crumb-covered fingers is an under-appreciated highlight of enjoying this incredible treat.

7. The Powerpuff Girls pop

There are a ton of different cartoon-inspired ice cream pops, from SpongeBob SquarePants to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyone who’s had one these will tell you that the bubblegum eyes are the absolute best part of this tangy treat. 

Even Paris Hilton couldn’t resist the appeal of what she once perfectly referred to as “these little blonde bitches” on an episode of The Simple Life.

8. The Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwich

All frozen sandwich treats should strive to be this amazing. Made by Good Humor, this sandwich takes the traditional ice cream sandwich and turns it up to 1,000. Eating vanilla ice cream smothered in chocolate chips, smashed beautifully between two chocolate chip cookies is an experience like no other. If pure gold was edible, this would be it. 

The Worst

1. Snow Cone

It’s been almost two decades since my childhood, and I’m still wondering why this is even still a thing. You can get a solid Snow Cone, or even an Italian Ice (which is honestly 1,000 percent better) from literally anywhere else and it would be better than having to eat out of those awful paper cones. Any time you order this item, you’ve pretty much resigned yourself to a race against a melting pile of blandly flavored ice. And if it’s an especially hot day? Forget about it. Have fun with your soggy piece of paper, kiddo. 

2. The Fudgsicle

These are just so basic. Chocolate is supposed to have a rich and distinct flavor, and this thing is the equivalent of frozen cardboard. Not to mention, everyone looks ridiculous with melted chocolate popsicle smeared all over their hands and mouths.

3. The Orange Creamsicle 

These aren’t too popular with the kids. I know plenty of adults, including my parents, who LIVE for these orange-encased ice cream pops. But a kid? I don’t think so. The child in me is still repulsed by these things and would much rather stick to chocolates and vanillas. It isn’t exactly a HORRIBLE flavor, but it doesn’t quite contend with the other amazing flavors hiding in your local ice cream truck’s freezer.

4. Just…Ice Cream

With the creative popsicles and frozen sandwiches on the menu, why would you go for just plain ice cream? I guess the appeal of this treat is that, more often than not, it’ll be soft-serve, which can be hard to track down elsewhere. But other than that, this classic tends to melt too quickly and is limited to the vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry trifecta. Not very fun.

5. The Lemon Ice

Again, just another really basic thing to get at an ice cream truck. If you’re looking for something citrusy and frozen-ish, then I guess this is for you? But why Lemon Ice? Just have some lemonade with a bunch of ice and you’re good to go. 

6. The Malt Cup

No one, and I mean no one from my childhood or adulthood, has ever ordered these. Even the name of this thing puts me off. It sounds like someone took a bunch of malt balls and blended them together to create this awful mess. Gross.

Now get out there and track down the nearest ice cream truck. You deserve it.

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The absolute best and worst ice cream truck treats

The shrill screams of "IT'S HERE" every time the ice cream truck arrives is a staple of an American summer. Even now, as an adult, I still get that emotional rush when the truck pulls onto my block.

But as a kid, it was always the sheer number of choices that made me question my entire existence. God forbid made an awful selection, wasting A WHOLE $2.00 of my parents' cash. To avoid a crisis like this for yourself, here are the best and worst treats that your local ice cream truck has to offer.

SEE ALSO: Costco food court items, ranked

The following ranking is a matter not of opinion, but of fact.

The Best

1. The Choco Taco

A post shared by Benjamin Strong (@benjaminstrong) on Jul 3, 2018 at 2:59pm PDT

Whoever created this Klondike masterpiece deserves to retire in absolute peace and luxury. The waffle cone taco shell is so innovative, perfect for holding vanilla ice cream mixed with fudge swirls. Choco Taco brought new meaning to the word "crunch" and always makes for a satisfying ice cream snack. 

2. The Firecracker

A post shared by Popsicle (@popsicle) on Oct 11, 2017 at 2:39pm PDT

Such a summertime classic. Kids will often slurp this Popsicle product on the Fourth of July because, you know, 'Murica. The red, white, and blue ice pop features three flavors — cherry, white lemon, and blue raspberry — making it essentially a three-for-one deal. As a kid, these things felt HUGE to me.

3. The Push-Up Pop

A post shared by Toni (@love_tonic) on Oct 21, 2013 at 12:06pm PDT

Nestlé really tried here. I can see what they're going for: a mess-free ice cream pop that you can take your time eating. It never works out that way, but who cares? These things are so good, it doesn't matter if you need three paper towels after eating.

4. The Drumstick

A post shared by Jeremiah White (@jeremiah_irl) on Jun 29, 2018 at 12:45pm PDT

This Nestlé creation takes the the classic ice cream scoop on a cone and turns it into something incredible. A scoop of vanilla ice cream encased in a chocolate shell and topped with nuts is completely revolutionary. Your fave could never.

5. Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bar

A post shared by Leah (@whatleahloves) on Jul 4, 2018 at 12:44pm PDT

This bar by Good Humor is the pinnacle of ice cream-pop perfection. You get the sweet taste of strawberry ice cream with a crunchy exterior that makes it feel like you're eating an actual strawberry shortcake. 10/10.

6. The Ice Cream Sandwich 

A post shared by Hungry Muncher (@the_hungrymuncher) on Jun 27, 2018 at 6:24am PDT

Another classic that will always be a solid choice, this treat most definitely paved the way for other variations of smooshed ice cream. Having sticky, chocolate crumb-covered fingers is an under-appreciated highlight of enjoying this incredible treat.

7. The Powerpuff Girls pop

A post shared by Sunnyoboe (@sunnyoboe) on Jun 21, 2017 at 3:42pm PDT

There are a ton of different cartoon-inspired ice cream pops, from SpongeBob SquarePants to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Anyone who's had one these will tell you that the bubblegum eyes are the absolute best part of this tangy treat. 

Even Paris Hilton couldn't resist the appeal of what she once perfectly referred to as "these little blonde bitches" on an episode of The Simple Life.

"Can I have 5 more of these little blonde bitches?" By Paris Hilton is one of the most iconic quotes of all time https://t.co/YE0yNg6zdL

— Cody (@codyspearz) August 10, 2015

8. The Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwich

A post shared by Good Humor (@goodhumor_icecream) on Aug 31, 2017 at 10:18am PDT

All frozen sandwich treats should strive to be this amazing. Made by Good Humor, this sandwich takes the traditional ice cream sandwich and turns it up to 1,000. Eating vanilla ice cream smothered in chocolate chips, smashed beautifully between two chocolate chip cookies is an experience like no other. If pure gold was edible, this would be it. 

The Worst

1. Snow Cone

A post shared by Popsicle (@popsicle) on Jun 12, 2018 at 8:00am PDT

It's been almost two decades since my childhood, and I'm still wondering why this is even still a thing. You can get a solid Snow Cone, or even an Italian Ice (which is honestly 1,000 percent better) from literally anywhere else and it would be better than having to eat out of those awful paper cones. Any time you order this item, you've pretty much resigned yourself to a race against a melting pile of blandly flavored ice. And if it's an especially hot day? Forget about it. Have fun with your soggy piece of paper, kiddo. 

2. The Fudgsicle

A post shared by Andrea Wilkovich (@awilkovich) on May 9, 2018 at 10:59am PDT

These are just so basic. Chocolate is supposed to have a rich and distinct flavor, and this thing is the equivalent of frozen cardboard. Not to mention, everyone looks ridiculous with melted chocolate popsicle smeared all over their hands and mouths.

3. The Orange Creamsicle 

A post shared by Melissa Librandi (@missmelissbakes) on Jul 1, 2018 at 6:54pm PDT

These aren't too popular with the kids. I know plenty of adults, including my parents, who LIVE for these orange-encased ice cream pops. But a kid? I don't think so. The child in me is still repulsed by these things and would much rather stick to chocolates and vanillas. It isn't exactly a HORRIBLE flavor, but it doesn't quite contend with the other amazing flavors hiding in your local ice cream truck's freezer.

4. Just...Ice Cream

A post shared by Creator : Marissa.G (@thelifestylenthusiast) on Jul 8, 2018 at 4:51pm PDT

With the creative popsicles and frozen sandwiches on the menu, why would you go for just plain ice cream? I guess the appeal of this treat is that, more often than not, it'll be soft-serve, which can be hard to track down elsewhere. But other than that, this classic tends to melt too quickly and is limited to the vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry trifecta. Not very fun.

5. The Lemon Ice

A post shared by Karen (@kmspin) on May 26, 2014 at 5:37am PDT

Again, just another really basic thing to get at an ice cream truck. If you're looking for something citrusy and frozen-ish, then I guess this is for you? But why Lemon Ice? Just have some lemonade with a bunch of ice and you're good to go. 

6. The Malt Cup

A post shared by Toni Lannert (@todela76) on Aug 23, 2017 at 11:21am PDT

No one, and I mean no one from my childhood or adulthood, has ever ordered these. Even the name of this thing puts me off. It sounds like someone took a bunch of malt balls and blended them together to create this awful mess. Gross.

Now get out there and track down the nearest ice cream truck. You deserve it.

WATCH: Turn frozen fruit into delicious soft serve with this DIY dessert maker

[truthandlove]

Judgment of a Holy God

Trump Politics Exposure and Judgement of America for Babylonian Ways This is the big picture truth, as I understand and believe it to be. This will offend those who, in their normalcy bias and wishful thinking, want a perpetual future of blessings and material prosperity for the USA.

This is not negativity, fear, or doom. This is SOBER reality we much live prudently in light of. You can have your opinion, of course, as I can have mine. But ALL human opinion is irrelevant and prone to self-referential distortion and rationalization lies. The only thing that counts is God's perspective and what God is doing. That said, here is the larger picture based on what God has shown me:

With all the attacks on Trump these days, know that Jesus is PROTECTING POTUS from the satanic rats for a determined season, because He (in his justice and righteousness) has sworn to EXPOSE the sins of the leaders to the people of the USA, prior to the full invasion of the USA. Trump is doing his God-ordained job of exposing the swamp and this is far beyond politics as it is ultimately NOT about us, but about the Character/Glory of a Holy God.

The people must know exactly WHY God is a righteous God for judgments that the people richly deserve precisely for passivity and willful blindness towards many evils done through our institutions and leaders. By the time full-on judgment happens, everyone in the USA will know how much we deserved it and that God is GOOD, is MERCIFUL, is PATIENT for dealing so leniently with us, in light of massive evil perpetrated through the institutions (medical, political, military, etc) of this nation. Remember: we exist for God, God does not exist for us.

This is so that NO ONE will be able to protest as to "why" we are receiving judgment; they will understand why. And this time period is demonstrating a JUST God, laying out the case for punishment. Again, many prophecies have revealed for the past 10 years that God promised that sins of the people's leaders will be exposed (what is happening now under Trump, and drain the swamp, and expose pedophilia, and ALL these sorts of things) PRIOR to the invasion and division of the USA.

This is the Trump administration within the larger context of God's raising up and bring down nations according to his righteous purposes throughout history. (you see this all through the Old Testament) The world will know that God is RIGHT for allowing punishment on this nation.

Again, this is not a SHAME message of secretly desiring to be punished. I don't hate America or its people or have any personal vendetta motivating me saying these things. This is a SOBER message of how a HOLY and RIGHTEOUS God deals with nations, as seen throughout history and also today. Don't kid yourself; America is not an exception and not above judgment.

The fact is that America is NOT REPENTANT and loves her money, lifestyle, entertainment/distraction/superficiality and her own stories of how great she is. America has done MANY great things to her credit of Charity (Christian love) through her institutions and people at one time, but GREAT EVIL has also been done THROUGH America -- and this is one bad decision after another.

One greedy and selfish person at a time in all levels of this nation. One lawless act after another, to where, today we put dead babies in soda, we run the economy on human trafficking foremost (and a lot of the military and air force is hijacked by evil leaders to facilitate this out of sight of the public's eye) and secondarily on the CIA as the world's largest drug cartel, etc, etc. Our largest national export is PORN, etc. etc. America is PROUD and vainly imagines she is ABOVE God's judgment.

This attitude sounds exactly like Babylon, who is like a self-deceived narcissist saying to herself: ‘I sit as queen; I am not a widow and will never see mourning."

Here we see that Babylon LIES TO ITSELF, falsely imagining it can get away with SIN! We must admit the truth: we are IN LOVE WITH a narrative that has us never accountable for our sins/crimes. We LOVE to vainly imagine we get away with godless and destructive behavior, when this is not the case.

The systems we have been born into in America, and seem harmless and normal to us, are all TOTAL BABYLONIAN SYSTEMS. Our financial system follows Babylonian economics, same with every other system. Too much to get into the details. We are in Babylon UP TO OUR EYEBALLS and HARDLY SEE IT. I am JUST NOW in life getting enough perspective to see beyond the "normal American way of life" I've been immersed in, to even see how Babylonian (and thus ungodly) it all is.

I ask you to please read this passage from Revelation (below) and pray for the Holy Spirit to directly show you TRUTH concerning it and HOW TO APPLY it to your heart, your priorities, your actions and so forth. Thank you friends. I am not trying to shove any single perspective/interpretation of End Times down anyone's throat. But I am telling you that AMERICA WILL BE JUDGED BY FIRE. I have been convicted of how BABYLONIAN we are in hundreds of ways that seem "normal" or "American". Ask God Himself to show you, directly, the truth, Not from me or any human persuasion, but from God and the conviction that is from God alone.

Then live according to what Abba shows you. THIS alignment between truth and your personal decisions and behaviors is what you are judged by, so choose wisely and live wisely, beloved. God WILL INDEED remind the entire planet that He is the boss, He is God Almighty, and He is Merciful, but He is NOT MOCKED!

Berean Study Bible - Revelation 18 - Babylon is Fallen 1After this I saw another angel descending from heaven with great authority, and the earth was illuminated by his glory. 2And he cried out in a mighty voice: “Fallen, fallen is Babylon the great! She has become a lair of demons. She is a haunt for every unclean spirit, a hideout for every unclean bird, and a hold for every detestable beast. 3All the nations have drunk the wine of the passion of her immorality. The kings of the earth were immoral with her, and the merchants of the earth have grown wealthy through the extravagance of her luxury.” 4Then I heard another voice from heaven say: “Come out of her, my people, so that you will not share in her sins or contract any of her plagues. 5For her sins are piled up to heaven, and God has remembered her iniquities. 6Give back to her as she has done to others; pay her back DOUBLE for what she has done; mix her a DOUBLE portion in her own cup. 7To the degree that she has GLORIFIED HERSELF (narcissist) and lived in luxury, (idol of materialism at the expense of love) inflict on her that much torment and misery. In her heart she says, ‘I sit as queen; I am not a widow and will never see mourning.’ 8Therefore her plagues will come in one day, death and misery and famine; and she will be consumed by FIRE, for mighty is the Lord God who judges her.” Lament over Babylon 9Then the kings of the earth who committed sexual immorality and lived in luxury with her will weep and wail at the sight of the smoke rising from the fire that consumes her. 10In fear of her torment, they will stand at a distance and cry out: “Woe, woe to the great city, the mighty city of Babylon! For in a single hour your judgment has come.” 11And the merchants of the earth will weep and mourn over her, because there is no one left to buy their cargo— 12cargo of gold, silver, precious stones, and pearls; of fine linen, purple, silk, and scarlet; of all kinds of citron wood and every article of ivory and precious wood, of bronze, iron, and marble; 13of cinnamon, spice, incense, myrrh, and frankincense; of wine, olive oil, fine flour, and wheat; of cattle, sheep, horses, and chariots; of slaves and SOULS OF MEN. 14“The fruit of your soul’s desire has departed from you; all your luxury and splendor have vanished, never to be seen again.” 15The merchants who sold these things and grew their wealth from her will stand at a distance, in fear of her torment. They will weep and mourn, 16saying: “Woe, woe to the great city, clothed in fine linen and purple and scarlet, adorned with gold and precious stones and pearls! 17For in a single hour such fabulous wealth has been destroyed!” Every shipmaster, passenger, and sailor, and all who make their living from the sea, will stand at a distance 18and cry out at the sight of the smoke rising from the fire that consumes her, saying, ‘What city was ever like this great city?’ 19Then they will throw dust on their heads as they weep and mourn and cry out: “Woe, woe to the great city, where all who had ships on the sea were enriched by her wealth! For in a single hour she has been destroyed.” 20“Rejoice over her, O heaven, and you saints and apostles and prophets; because it is for you that God has pronounced His judgment against her.” The Doom of Babylon 21Then a mighty angel picked up a stone the size of a great millstone and cast it into the sea, saying: “With such VIOLENCE the great city of Babylon will be cast down, never to be seen again. 22And the sound of harpists and musicians, of flute players and trumpeters, will never ring out in you again. Nor will any craftsmen of any trade be found in you again, nor the sound of a millstone be heard in you again. 23The light of a lamp will never shine in you again, and the voices of a bride and bridegroom will never call out in you again. For your merchants were the great ones of the earth, because all the nations were deceived by your sorcery.” (sorcery is "Pharmacia") 24And there was found in her the blood of prophets and saints, and of all who had been slain on the earth.