#goddammit TUMBLR STOP FUCKING UP MY QUALITY >:(

[lyn-ne]

Still waiting for my vbs beach event sega

[cleolinda]

Weekend links

My posts

Honestly nothing. We have had multi-day flood warnings and I am turning into a mushroom. Temperatures will be dropping back into the 30s (F) starting tomorrow. My neuropathy has been acting up and I've been limping around stiffly. I am one of Those People Who Talk About the Weather because it actually affects my quality of life, goddammit.

Reblogs of interest

Tumblr Live is Dead.

No, Chuck Tingle is NOT Literally Whoever. When would Chuck have time to secretly be the Homestuck guy?

The worst thing about finally accepting your disability limitations is when other people don't.

How to stop your phone camera from being a joyless nihilist

“Someone around here has to get things done, and unfortunately, it’s going to be me”

“Sun Tzu, after desperately trying to explain extremely basic logic to a bunch of upper-class twits, basically sat down and wrote the most elaborate ‘As per my last email’ ever”

Yes, you will find old people attractive when you are old people

“and then I go WAIT A GODDAMN SECOND I KNOW THOSE MONSTERS”

Quiz: What are you the deity of?

He would fucking say that

Blorbo Peckins sweep (when I tell you I can’t wait for the vintage ladies polls)

Video

Poppy Playtime chapter 3 drops this week, complete with a giant screeching purple cat to chase gamers around. 

“His name is Richard Parker, by the way.” The tiger puppet in this video, not the screaming purple cat. 

The sacred texts

I didn’t have a Sacred Text for this week, and then “sharks are smooth as hell” came by again.

Personal tag of the week

Let’s go with... sharks.

[insomniacdreammerbb]

Synopsis: a continuation of my slow burn love story of my favorite chaotic mess and F!Reader. Smut involved, 18+ minors DNI

Tigger Warnings: slight angst/insecurities - oral F and M receiving - fingering

A/N: Thank you to all of those of you who enjoyed my first chapter. This is my first time writing smut so any feedback is appreciated. 🫠 Also, I’m kind of new to tumblr and am still Learning the platform 😅. If someone could tell me how to hyperlink the chapters together in individual posts that’d be great because I’ve been struggling here for the last few minutesTrying to figure it out.

Word count: 6.5k - definitely did not mean to make it this long but oh well

Chapter 2:

“Quilt,” you say laying down the small wooden tiles on the board, “and with the triple point square that’s 42 points which puts me at 237 points and you at 215.”

“Goddammit woman,” Dieter exclaimed in defeat but also giggling, “you sure you’re not using the word with friends app underneath the table?”

“C’mon you know the drill,” you said gesturing to the table near the front door and whispered, “we’re in the zone of silence.”

Dieter placed his hands together and whispered like a prayer, “zone of silence.”

You erupted in giggles, mostly for all the weed the two of you had been smoking for the last few hours. It had been a long running joke between the two of you. You don’t remember how but Dieter got the idea in his head that cells phones give off radiation and EMF’s so he’d stop using his phone after 10pm till the next morning. He had also demanded the same of you whenever you two were together. It didn’t bother you much, you had your own personal goal of limiting your screen time for your mental health anyways. So any time you two were together you’d put your phones away and call it the zone of silence. Dieter always had to say it as if it were a prayer but the truth was that he only kept doing it because you’d giggle every time he did.

Dieter’s phone rang for the third time tonight.

“That bitch is crazy,” Dieter mused, running his hands through his fluffy hair.

“Why is she blowing you up if she’s the one that slapped you?” You questioned him.

“She usually does this when she’s drunk,” Dieter responded, “and everytime she does it’s always one of two things that end up happening. She acts all cute and needy but usually ends up with her bawling her eyes out over some stupid shit or she starts off with bawling over some stupid shit.”

“Then why do you keep talking to her?” You question him. It wasn’t the first time you’ve ever asked this question but it always starts and ends the same.

“She’s the one that keeps coming back,” Dieter repeated, shrugging, “not like I got anything else going on right now.”

“You could find someone else if you wanted to,” you pointed out, “I mean come one, you’re a big hot shot actor, you're insanely hot, and you’re one of the coolest people I know.”

Dieter’s head perked up at your words with a playful tone, “So you think I’m sexy?”

“I said you were hot bravo,” you responded, “there’s a difference.”

“Oh yea what’s that?” Dieter questioned.

“Hot meaning it’s nice to look at you,” You started to explain, “Sexy is reserved for people you’d like to fuck.”

Dieter seemed to muse your words over in his head, “So… you don’t think I’m sexy?”

The air in the room seemed to get heavier, “Well… I mean…you’re my boss.”

Dieter seemed to pick up what you were putting down, “I know.”

“I’m just saying,” you continued to say, “it’s a big world and anything could happen. I don’t think Lola’s the right one for you but someone will be. There’s a lot of likable qualities about you.”

“Yeah like bank accounts and my stardom that most women just want a piece of,” Dieter grumbled, “not to mention my drug problems, my weird kinks, and the inability to commit.”

“Well you really should slow down on the drugs,” you agreed, “but all the other things I think are fixable problems. And frankly I think once you find someone worthwhile all those things will fall into place.”

“Doubt it,” Dieter grouched back, “most women don’t give a shit about all that. They’re all just gold digging whores.”

“Yeah but you told me last month that gold digging whores are your bread and butter,” you pointed out.

“Unfortunately I think I’m getting bored of all that debauchery,” Dieter replied, “sure the sex is good… it used to be better but I don’t know. I think I’m getting over it or I’m just getting too old for this shit.”

You wanted to point out that if he stopped doing drugs that he’d probably feel better. But the two of you have gotten into very heated arguments over his drug use. Eventually it had boiled down to you both agreeing to draw a line in your friendship. As much as you respected and cared for Dieter it wasn’t your place to tell a grown man how to live his life. You always just silently hoped in the back of your head that he wouldn’t tumble in something that became unmanageable.

And to his credit he did manage well. Sometimes he’d go for months without touching any drugs. Usually when he was working and had a heavy schedule of shooting. But anytime that press tours, parties and times of unemployment rolled around it was all playtime for him.

“You’re not that old,” you rolled your eyes at him.

“Yeah will I sure as shit ain’t getting any younger,” Dieter said standing up from the coffee table where you two had your scrabble game going and flopping down on the couch.

You tried to stand to get up but your right foot was asleep from crossing your legs and putting most of your weight on the right side. You felt the staticky pins and needles through your leg.

“Need a hand?” Dieter said lazily getting to his feet and walking around the table extending a hand to you, “seeing as how you’re so strung out on the weed that you can’t get up.”

“I’m not even that high,” You mused trying to stand again and feeling your limbs flop. You shook your head slightly embarrassed but took Dieter’s hand regardless.

“Well you know how it goes babe,” Dieter said with his shit eating grin, “dance with Mary Jane get your toes stepped on.”

“Haha,” you said flatly.

His hands held firmly onto yours as he pulled you up, stringing one arm around your waist and dragged you over to the couch. You flopped down on the corner bringing your leg up to your chest and started massaging your own foot. Dieter took the other corner of the couch a few feet away. He placed his arm along the back of the couch and laid his head back. It was getting late, it was almost one in the morning. You would most likely end up crashing on the couch if you decided not to drive home. You had never slept in a bed with Dieter before and you’ve never truly wanted to. It wouldn't be the first time that you slept on a couch in one of Dieter’s luxury hotel suites. You probably could drive, you really weren’t that high anymore and could manage it. But you also knew that Dieter would throw a tantrum if you tried to leave because he didn’t want you driving under any influence.

“So what about you then?” Dieter finally questioned after a few minutes of silence.

“What about what?” You asked, finally putting your leg down now that your foot stopped throbbing.

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” Dieter asked.

“Because he just dumped me like six hours ago,” you explained.

“C’mon you didn’t really like that guy did you?” Dieter pressed on looking at you with hazy eyes.

“Do you really like Lola?”

“Oh no, no, no. Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Redirect.”

“Redirect what?”

“C’mon you always do this every time something comes up that you don’t want to talk about,” Dieter grunted, “we’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about you.”

You shifted in your seat uncomfortably and tried mulling over the words on the tip of your tongue trying to find a way to explain it, “I don’t know. I mean when I first met Matt he was charming and nice but most people are when you first start dating them. They’re on their best behavior before reality starts to sink in. I just don’t think Matt and I were right for each other.”

“Still you haven’t really dated anyone since we got back from Cliff Beasts 6,” he pointed out, “you should have just as long of a line of dudes trying to get with you as I got women lined up.”

You laughed out loud at his words, “Dieter I’m just a regular person. No one knows me.”

“Yeah but that’s because you don’t put yourself out there,” Dieter explained, “You haven’t been really trying to date or anything.”

“You keeping tabs on me?” You question playfully.

“Well I mean you do live in my guesthouse,” Dieter pointed out.

“Yeah I also answer your emails, take your phone calls, look for auditions and upcoming projects, book your airfare and your flights, your drives to all your events, talks to your agent, your lawyer, your publicist, your stylist and I even book you all inclusive romantic ocean view suites for your debauchery adventures,” you listed off.

Dieter looked at you concerned, “Are you feeling overworked? If you need help I could find someone else to come in and help you. Whoever you want, you could have a say in who we pick if you feel like you need it.”

“Oh no it’s not like that,” you responded assuringly, “I don’t feel overworked or anything. I like my job, I like to keep your life on track. Frankly I think it helps keep my life on track too.”

“So when do you get to have fun then?” Dieter questioned her.

“On Friday nights when I get dumped and have a sit in with my boss whooping his ass at scramble,” you explained.

“If that’s your definition of fun then we desperately need to host an intervention,” Dieter grumbled running his hands through his hair.

“I don’t think that the subject of the intervention is supposed to plan out the intervention,” you said thinking it over, “I think the other people around them are supposed to inflict it on them.”

“Alright fine then I’m initiating the intervention right now,” Dieter proclaimed.

“Ok” you shrug unsure how to respond. You were sure that this was all playful stoner banter that he would surely forget in the morning like you two always did.

“Alright step one,” Dieter started sitting up and sitting cross legged facing you, “So why did Matt say that you were the best head he’s gotten?”

“What?” You laugh at the sudden question from left field. You weren’t surprised by the sudden change of subject. It happened often with Dieter.

“What does that have to do with anything?” you asked him.

“Well, the first step of the intervention is honesty,” Dieter explained, “and I’ve been real curious by what he meant by that.”

“Are you asking me that because you want to know what he meant by that or are you asking because you got cheated out of getting head tonight?” You asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Wouldn it really be a terrible thing if it were both?” Dieter asked with his signature puppy dog eyes.

You roll your eyes, trying to hide your own grin from him.

“I mean it’s not like either one of us is getting laid tonight or anything let me live vicariously through Matty cakes dumb assery,” Dieter pleaded.

There was a slight pinch in your stomach at his words. You tried not to think about it. You didn’t want to follow down where this road went but you were always curious as to why Dieter never even attempted to ever have sex with you. Sure he’d make sexual comments and low key flirty remarks but they were never directed at you. You secretly wondered if that meant that he truly was not interested in you but the logical part of you also knew that was how it needed to be. He was your boss and this was real life, not a porn hub set.

“Besides I don’t even really give a shit about getting head all that much,” Dieter continued to say.

“Bullshit!” YOu called out shaking your head, “I don’t believe that.”

“It’s mostly true,” Dieter explained, “I mean it’s nice but frankly I’d much rather be the one giving head or eating pussy more than receiving.”

“Then why are you so curious about why Matty Cakes said that I’m too good at giving head?” You challenged him.

“First off, no redirection,” Dieter pointed out, “as I said we’re talking about you and not me. And secondly you just called him Matty Cakes for the first time which I think is progress in this intervention.”

“I don’t even think I really believe that that is the real reason why he dumped me,” you began to say, “I think he’s just pissed because all of his boys are giving him shit about me or trying to hit on me.”

“How?”

“He told them my story about the guy I puked on and how I got my reputation at UCLA,” you stated.

“They know that it’s a joke right?” Dieter questioned.

“Guess the dumbasses didn’t get the memo and thought it was real,” you shrug thinking back to all the creepy DM’s you got from his friends.

“So he’s the one that told them that story and then got pissed off that he’s friends started coming after you?” Dieter questioned.

“Pretty much,” you shrugged, “it’s stupid and ya know what? I don’t like stupid guys. Honestly any feelings that I may have had for him died at that moment.”

“Good because you could definitely do better than that ass hat,” Dieter stated, “but what did he mean about you being good at it? Did you go down on him a lot?”

“Not really,” you retorted, “I told him that I wouldn’t go down on him unless he went down on me. But the last time that I did I guess he seemed pretty into it.”

“How so?” Dieter continued to question.

You felt the heat creep over your cheeks, it had been about a month since it happened, “I don't know… I just do it.”

Dieter could see the pink in your cheeks spreading. Truth is he never allowed himself to entertain the idea of having you. He thought you were hot as hell and definetly someone he’d consider fucking when the two of you had first met. But then again those days were filled with him trying desperately to get a break in Hollywood. When he wasn’t doing that he was hooking up with every hot chick that came his way and partying it up everywhere he went. You were doing the same, it just so happened that you were two ships that never fully crossed paths in that regard.

Dieter really did have to discipline himself to not think of you in that way over the years. His whole career would not be what it was today without you keeping him in line. He knew that if he ever did try to sleep with you it’d only eventually he would ruin everything between the two of you. Any time any thoughts of you crossed his mind he’d distract himself with drugs, alcohol or other women. He wanted to keep you as his assistant and a friend more than what would eventually be another person on his list of scorned ex lovers. Dieter needed you more than you needed him.

And yet…

“Do you wanna have sex with me?” Dieter proposed earnestly, “oral I mean.”

“What?” You asked surprised, feeling all the haze from the weed quickly fading.

“I’ll go down on you if you go down on me,” Dieter continued to say, “all I’ve wanted all night long is to eat someone’s pussy. Let me take care of you better than Matty Cakes ever did.”

Dieter wasn’t fully convinced that you would say yes but he figured he might as well take his shot. Meanwhile you felt your face get hotter and your cunt clench at the thought. You had walked in on him plenty of times or had nothing but a wall separating you from his lovers. Their screams of pleasure rang in your ears even though you’d most of the time but on your big headphones to tune it out.

“Do you want to go down on me?” You question him surprised. You were used to his forwardness but this was the first time he’d ever been direct about wanting you.

“Is that a serious question?” Dieter asked with that same lopsided grin he had when he was playful.

“I just figured that you wouldn’t be into me like that,” you mused back shrugging.

“What? Why?” Dieter asked, surprised.

“Well you’ve never even…” you started to say before realizing that the thought in her head was probably better left there than coming out of your mouth.

“Never what?” Dieter questioned, his eyes full of concern.

“I mean…” YOu shrugged, “you’ve never really hit on me before or asked me for anything like this.”

“That’s partially only because my manager and agent threatened to castrate me if I ever ran you off,” Dieter explained, rolling his eyes, “that and well… I need you.”

You roll your eyes at his words, “you don’t need me. Not like that anyways.”

“Yes I do,” Dieter exclaimed and started talking quickly, “Well no- no- I mean I guess you’re right not like that that. But don’t take that the wrong way please. Because you’re fucking gorgeous. I’d kill to be the one burying my face between your thighs until I get your whole body shaking every night. But I usually always fuck things up with every person and with and I need you to run my life for me because there’s no way in hell that I can but also I need… I want…”

It was rare for you to see Dieter all tongue tied and twisted like he was now. Your stomach was churning with a secret desire. The forbidden fruit in the form of your best friend with fluffy hair and puppy dog eyes. You were still a little shell shocked from hearing that he wanted you at all.

Dieter scooted closer to you, “Do you want me lick your pussy till you come apart in my mouth? Because I sure as hell would love to see you on your knees for me. And it Matty Cakes is right about you being good at it I would be on my knees every day begging for your mouth.”

For the first time you felt yourself dampen between your legs as you pictured Dieter on his knees looking up at you.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” You questioned him tightening your thighs together.

Dieter chuckled, noticing your movements. He scooted even closer, placing a hang on your leg and sliding his fingers between your thighs.

“Look babe,” he started to say, “we’ve been friends for years now. Let’s make a deal. I’ll eat you out and you go down on me, and when we’re done, if you want, we’ll never talk about it again.”

That was the first time in your friendship that he had called you something besides your name. It made your stomach flip with anticipation.

“If I want?” You repeated at his choice of words.

“That is unless you decide to beg on your knees for my tongue every night,” Dieter said, his eyes darkening with desire, “in which case my mouth is at your service babe.”

He called you babe again. More images and thoughts of the forbidden fruit passed through your mind. But you tried to shove that away and think about it logically. You two were both adults, and you really did believe that you could just go down on each other and then just let it go. Which is exactly what you would do, do this one time and then never speak of it again. What was the worst that could happen?

“And we’ll never talk about it again?” You asked him.

“Yes Ma’am,” Dieter nodded, “if that’s what you want.”

You sighed and took a moment before you said, “okay.”

“Fuck yeah,” Dieter said grabbing you hand and bounced off the couch, “c’mon baby, let me tongue fuck you so deep that you’ll still be soaked by the time the sun comes up.”

“Just remember Dieter,” you said as you let him pull you into the bedroom, “this is a one time thing.”

Dieter giggled and looked at you with a mischievous grin, “We’ll see what you say when I’m done with you.”

He pulled you close to him, wrapping his arms around your waist. He was about to pull you in to kiss him but you leaned back from him.

“Wait,” you commanded, Dieter complied quickly but looked at you quizzically, “no kisses. I think that’d be too far. If we’re gonna do this, just oral.”

Dieter felt a slight sting of disappointment but he understood. It probably wasn’t a bad idea if you really did change your mind come morning and really did just want this to be a one time thing. Dieter decided to just take what he could get from you.

“Alright babe,” Dieter nodded, “I guess I’ll just have to smother you with kisses on your other lips instead.”

You felt your pussy clench at his words. You couldn’t hide the grin that spread across your face. Before you knew it Deiter ducked down, tossing you over his shoulder and took you into the bedroom and tossed you onto the California king bed. You flopped down, giggling. It was something that you did when you were nervous or filled with anticipation, you couldn’t tell which. Dieter climbed up on the bed and hovered over you for a moment. He was staring at you, his eyes were dark with desire but still had the same warmth they always had.

God he wanted to kiss you. Your giggle made him instantly hard and now Dieter’s own mind was running away. He would honor your wishes but god he wished he could kiss you. Rip off all your clothes, have your nipples harden under his tongue, slap your ass and feel you cum on his cock, consequences be damned. The idea of you really never wanting to bring this up again worried but right now he just forced himself to push that out of his head and be in the moment. If he was going to have a shot with you he would just be fully present in the moment and deal with the blowback at sun up.

You were breathing shallow now, giddy with anticipation. Dieter leaned down and kissed right below your breasts over your tank top. He slowly kissed his way down while fumbling with the button and zipper of your pants. You sighed looking at his messy curly hair, you always wanted to run your hands through it. Usually either to mess up his perfectly styled hair or in an attempt to tame it. So you slowly brought up a hand and ran it through as he slowly laced his fingers on the inside of your pants and your panties.

“You sure about this babe?” Dieter asked, sitting up slightly toying with the skin under your panties.

You nodded in agreement.

Dieter smirked, piercing you with his gaze. You could see his dimples forming as he smiled, it made your heart flutter. Now that you were lying here in his bed with his fingers wrapped around your panties you could take in just how damn handsome he really was. Dieter began pulling down your clothes while also dragging his fingers down your legs. He tossed them onto the floor and got his first look at your cunt.

“Fuck babe,” Dieter said with a carnal growl, “god you’re so sexy. I should have tried a little harder to get into your pants at some point.”

“Well it’s not like you ever really tried before now,” you pointed out trying to maintain your breathing, you feel like you were about to burst with pure desire.

Dieter suddenly looked up at you with concern, “did you really think all these years that I was never attracted to you?”

That felt like a too heavy question giving the current position that you were in, “Are you gonna tongue fuck me or not Bravo?”

“Yes ma’am,” Dieter nodded, now sliding down the bed so that his face was just hovering above your hot wet cunt, “but I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way. You’re fucking perfect babe.”

His apology made the mood feel heavier, and it made your heart skip a beat. However you didn’t have to spend too much time on it because in the next second Dieter leaned down and kissed you slowly. You felt his lips graze against your clit, they were soft and warm. He slowly made his way down, kissing you with just his mouth all the way through. You felt your legs quiver with each kiss. Dieter giggled, you could practically feel the vibrations all through your whole body through his little laugh. He wrapped his big arms under your thighs, pulling them apart and keeping a firm grasp with his big hands.

He stuck out the tip of his tongue, dragging it slowly up the folds of your slick and circled it around your clit. You moaned pathetically under him, throwing your head back and taking in sharp breaths. Your whole body felt like it was on fire from your fingertips down to your toes. He now took his whole tongue dragging it from top to bottom slowly. You gasped loudly now leaning up on your elbows looking down at him.

“Fuck you taste good,” Dieter mused lifting his head a bit and licking his lips.

His eyes were locked onto yours as he ran his whole tongue sliding through your slick as you got wetter at watching. He felt like hot velvet against your most intimate parts, you reached down with one hand and lace it through his curled. Dieter seemed encouraged by you touching him. He pulled your legs further apart giving him more access. He dug his tongue into you as deep as you could, you could feel your head getting lighter from the pressure. Your remaining elbow gave out on you as you fell back onto the bed, you put your arm above your head. Your legs twitched and you bucked your hips up at his tongue.

Dieter giggled, “you’re a squirmy one aren’t you?”

“I can’t help it,” you giggled feeling slightly embarrassed, “I usually can’t hold still for something like this.”

“That’s perfectly fine with me babe,” Dieter responded kissing your clit, “I like that I can give you a full body experience with just my tongue.”

“I figured most guys would be annoyed by it,” you replied

“I think it’s sexy,” Dieter responded, “I wanna try something.”

You looked down at him curiously, he stuck his tongue out and circled it around your clit. Your legs twitched again and your body rolled with pleasure.

“Damn you’re sensitive,” Dieter observed with a Cheshire grin over his face.

“I can’t help it,” you mused back feeling your brain turn to mush.

“Well maybe someday if you’re up for it I’ve got a couple things that would make you hold still,” Dieter purred with a flare in his eyes.

You felt yourself fire up inside at his words, filled with hot desire. You knew what items he was talking about given then you ordered most of them at his instruction. You pictured yourself in his bed, handcuffed to his bed frame and the spreader bar between your legs. It made you squirm even more at the idea.

Dieter laughed, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Now Dieter pulled your legs apart as much as he could and buried his face in your wet cunt. His nose brushed against your clit as his tongue lapped at you over and over. You’re brain definitely deteriorated into mush as he tongue fucked you. You cried out in pure ecstasy and rock into his mouth, moving in rhythm with him. He holds a hard grip around your legs, you tighten your grip on his hair. He growls into your soaked cunt, now moving at a desperate pace. He moves his tongue from top to bottom and occasionally stopping to suck your clit.

You feel another jolt of pleasure as Dieter reaches up and slides two fingers into you. You moaned loudly.

“Fuck babe you’re soaking wet,” Dieter purred, feeling the breath against your slick, “god you’re fucking perfect.”

Dieter runs the tip of his tongue against your clit with mild pressure while he moves his fingers quickly in and out of you. Now you feel your orgasm quickly building up. It was like lighting a firework inside of you, you could feel the fuse burning up quickly with the anticipation explosion coming on. Your fingers and your toes were tingling as you cried out. Then Dieter delivered the final shot as he curled his fingers a bit, hitting you in just the right way and now wrapped his whole mouth around your clit sucking. The firework within you exploded spectacularly, your whole body was trembling now. Your orgasm ripped through your body, mind and soul.

You squirmed around in the bed against Dieter’s fingers and face. He was so fucking hard right now. He’d never seen someone that was quiet as squirmy as you, as if you really were having a whole body experience just from him tongue fucking you. God he wanted to wrap his body around yours entirely, feel you tremble against him and use his weight to keep you still or at the very least squirm against him.

Your breathing is heavy as you come down from your orgasm. Dieter slides his hand up your stomach and under your take top as you continue to roll your body through the end of your orgasm. He liked the way your skin and your body rolled under his palm. It really took every morsel of self control that he had to not just rip your shirt off and pounce on you to kiss you and make you get a taste of yourself.

Eventually you calm down and look up at him. His chin glistened with the remains from your wet cunt. He was staring at your body, you could tell that he was deep in thought. You were tempted to ask him what he was thinking about but it was probably not a good idea. Besides, the two of you did have a deal.

You sit up getting your face close to his, you could practically smell your own musk on him.

“Your turn,” you said, placing your hands on his chest as you sat up on your knees.

You gently guided him down on the bed, he flopped down and you swung your legs over him straddling him. You sat down on him and immediately felt his hard cock through his pants. You couldn’t help the giggle that erupted from you and you swore you could almost feel him twitch under you.

“You just gonna sit there giggling on my cock all night or suck on it?” Dieter smiled, running his hands on your thighs.

“I don't know, I think I felt you enjoy my giggle,” you said playfully, batting your eyes.

“You’re a tease aren’t you?” Dieter questioned with a devious grin.

You just shrugged above him.

“I like all these new things that I’m learning about you,” Dieter said, running his hands up your thighs to your waist.

You smiled, feeling a fond warmth in yourself at his words. The daunting thought of what would happen in the morning flashed through your mind. But just as quickly as it came you pushed it away. You had work to do.

You shimmied down him, grabbing at his belt buckle and undoing his pants. You pulled them gently down and his cock sprange free. You wrapped your hands around him, pumping him slowly and gently, he growled and closed his eyes revealing your touch. He was already hard as a rock, you leaned down getting your face close to him and kept pumping. A bead a precum was already forming, you decided to use Dieter’s own trick against him. You stuck out the tip of your tongue and ran it over his head gently.

Dieter groaned with shaky breath, opening his eyes to look down at you. You looked so unbelievably sexy toying with him like this. You swirl your tongue around his head a few times gently, you could feel him throbbing in your hands. You then enclosed your mouth around the top half of him sliding your lips and your tongue on half of him slowly and sensually.

“You are a fucking tease,” Dieter whispered running his hands through your hair.

“Do you need me to pick it up?” You ask earnestly wondering if you were bothering him.

“Dont you fucking dare stop,” Dieter ordered and then gave you the warm pouty eyes, “Please?”

You smirked, biting your lip before you placed your tongue at the base and ran all the way up to the tip swirling around and kept eye contact with him while you did. Dieter shuddered in your hands and felt his chest tighten up in a way that he never really felt before. You enveloped him in your mouth entirely, sliding your tongue over his whole length. You could feel him throbbing in the back of your throat. It was getting sloppy with the amount of drool that became natural lube that you used to pick up the pace.

Dieter grunted under you, keeping a hard grip in your hair. He was in heaven right now. This felt different than the usual head that you got. Truth was, you were trying to put as much fervor into him as he put into you. You would always usually match the same energy and effort that someone put into you. You needed it to be great so you kept pumping him in your mouth. Occasionally focusing your tongue around the head and against where you could tell he was extra sensitive by the way he’d moan your name as you did. Truth be told, listening to him like this and feeling him throb in your mouth was making you wet again.

Then the unthinkable happened. Well, unthinkable to Dieter. He didn’t even feel it coming on, usually he could tell when his orgasm was coming on. He’d get so caught up in the moment chasing down his orgasm like a dog chasing a tire until he reached his peak. But not this time.

All at once his balls tightened up, his cock was throbbing harder than he’s ever felt his whole damn life and his orgasm exploded out of him unexpectedly and all at once. He swore he could feel his whole body coiling up with electric like fire that came exploding out of his cock. He was seeing stars and his mind went totally blank. You had made him cum for a blow job.

You weren’t expecting it either, but either way once you knew what was happening you kept your mouth and tongue wrapped around him tightly. His hot seed painted the back of your throat and you swallowed it quickly. You weren’t a huge fan of swallowing but you seemed to both be so caught up in the moment that you took it. You slid your tongue and mouth up his cock and you sat up on your knees wiping your mouth. You closed your eyes, swallowing down his cum as best you could trying to hide the fact that you didn’t particularly enjoy the taste of it. Except that he was already staring at you wide eyed like a deer in the headlights. In fact his whole body was shaking lightly.

“Sorry,” you said flatly, “I don’t really like the taste of baby gravy all that much.”

“Wait, what did you just say?” Dieter questioned as the seriousness faded from his face.

“What? Baby gravy?” You said with a playful smirk.

Dieter burst out laughing, running his hand over his face. When it looked like he was about to stop laughing he locked eyes with you and started laughing vivaciously again. His laugh was contagious. Even the reality of what you two had just done started to sink in but in a fun playful way. You flopped down next to him, and giggled uncontrollably until you were both laughing like maniacs for the next five minutes. Who knew that your near decade of friendship would end you up here.

“How the fuck did you do that?” Dieter finally asked after he was completely red faced from laughing.

He rolled over on his side, propping his head up on one hand.

“You were there,” you pointed out, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I mean how did you make me cum?” Dieter questioned looking earnestly at you.

“You’re asking me that question?” You retort with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m serious,” Dieter explained, “I don’t think I’ve cum from a blow job in years. Usually it doesn’t get me there.”

“Bullshit,” you said, shaking your head. You didn’t believe him.

“I’m serious!” He almost shouted back at you, “it’s almost impossible for me to cum with my dick in someone’s mouth. I’ve tried to, I’ve tried desperately to have someone get me there but holy shit babe! I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good in…”

“Really?” You almost whispered to him, “this is the first time that you’ve ever really cum from a blow job?”

“Promise,” Dieter replied.

Dieter sat there, staring at you in wonder. You looked so fucking beautiful right now. Your eyes were twinkling from your orgasm and your cheeks were still flushed from the laughter. Even Deiter felt like his whole body was hooked up to an electric current coursing through him. The giddiness from your funny baby gravy line in tangent with the feeling his his throbbing dick exploding in your mouth made him feel nearly euphoric.

“Jesus fucking Christ I need to send Matty Cake’s a thank you card for dumping you,” Dieter went on to say, “and I’m most definitely gonna be on my knees every damn day begging for your mouth.”

As much as you wanted to reveal in the idea, there was a slight wave of sadness that washed over you. You had been trying to avoid the elephant in the room but now that you two had done the deed that you had both agreed upon you’d have to face reality in the morning.

Dieter could practically read your mind with the way your face changed. The realization of what had just happened filled Dieter with a deep dread. His stomach sank and all of the euphoria drained out of him quickly in that moment when it suddenly crashed down on him like a ton of bricks that he was totally, completely and insufferable head over heels in love with you.

Dieter rolled over on his back, staring at the ceiling avoiding your gaze. He could feel that he had the deer in the headlights look on his face again. You also just laid on your back, trying to enjoy what little time you had left before you face reality

Tag list: @bitchwitch1981

[misanthropiczombie]

I posted 2,126 times in 2021

19 posts created (1%)

2107 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 110.9 posts.

I added 26 tags in 2021

#bts in the wild - 6 posts

#cr spoilers - 4 posts

#gender - 2 posts

#gender queer - 2 posts

#bts - 2 posts

#chronic pain - 2 posts

#huh - 2 posts

#laudna - 2 posts

#agender - 2 posts

#genderfluid - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#also playing the what game but then physically feeling your brain reprocess what it missed and replying in the middle of them repeating game

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Note to self: next time design something a bit more simple for cross stitch project.

2 notes • Posted 2021-03-13 19:34:47 GMT

#4

So the live action bebop is... surprisingly okay??

Like the first episode is TRASH and I'm pretty sure was a pitch pilot they just did not have the time/money to re shoot, but after that they do actually hit some stride and the quality, writing, and acting gets waaaaay better.

Also Vicious looks like a Discount Witcher, and that alone is worth watching it for because I mad laugh every time he pops up

2 notes • Posted 2021-11-23 06:16:33 GMT

#3

When tumblr decides to refresh itself and put me back at the top of my feed, it's time to do literally anything else

3 notes • Posted 2021-03-03 04:46:11 GMT

#2

What do you do with complicated, contradictory feelings?

For the tldr of my life and a bit of the family drama, my dad essentially disowned or went no contact with everyone but me and a cousin, for reasons which I feel like were..... kind of shitty. Regardless, his decision to make and provided I wasn't roped in to the constant bitching, whatever.

But the thing is, I was still extremely close to my grandparents. They practically raised me in the summers when I was growing up (bc dad couod not be bothered). They had thier faults, but goddammit they were still important to me.

When my grandmother died, I called my dad crying to tell him, since nobody else was going to, and I asked him to come to the funeral because that was the first big loss in my life and I needed my dad. He didn't come. He didn't even tell me he was going to bail. Regardless of thier relationship, I needed him and he failed me in every way possible.

When my aunt died last year he texted me to tell me, and then left me holding the bag to call and tell thier other sibling the news, because he wasn't talking to her for whatever reason.

Now my grandfather has passed, and he once again texted me about it, which, hm. But he's also now saying he's going to, definitively, come to the funeral. And on one hand I am so, so angry. Why couldn't he have come earlier. My grandfather never forgave him for cutting and running, and my grandma always would have dropped everything to have him back. Is it spite? Is it some sense of growth? I asked neutrally because regardless of all of the drama, he deserves the chance to say good bye. Regardless of our fraught relationship. I'm glad he's going for that sake. I'm glad he's stepping up. I want him there, but I'm also still so angry and I don't know how to reconcile these thoughts. Very little of this is my drama.

I don't know why everyone stopped talking in full, and frankly I don't really care. They're all adults and I will forever be the child or the niece or granddaughter and I want no part in however fucked up those dynamics have become. I've got separate drama with my dad, because he's made some shit moves in his life, and I'll probably never fully be over them or fully forgive, but with time I have mostly moved past.

My husband thinks I should go no-contact, but I don't really want to. I have some foolish hope I have carried over my whole life that maybe once he'll pull through. Maybe once he'll step up to the plate. He's always been kind of generally shitty in the misguided sense, and has only ever been particularly maliciously shitty once (which is perhaps a story for another time if I need to scream it into the void, rather than vent at the people around me when the topic arises). I don't know.

I'm stuck in this awful ambiguous middle ground emotionally and I have no clue how to begin sorting through these feelings. Maybe I never will. In a year it will go down as a sour footnote in a fraught relationship, with no real clear answers. The feelings are valid, but fuck if I know what to do with them.

3 notes • Posted 2021-08-15 17:08:09 GMT

#1

I know agender, gender fluid, and gender queer all exist for me to use, but consider: gendershrug.

24 notes • Posted 2021-04-04 08:55:32 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[the-musical-cc]

Right so I summoned some patience to watch at least a part of the second hobbit movie and

WHy are the dwarves such jerks. Srsly, in the book weren’t angels, but they weren’t dickholes. They try to build them out to be some sort of epic heroes and they’re legit the most whinny and thankless pack of manbabies ever except oooooh they can fight, so I guess that makes it OK. At risk of sounding like the feminist I am, if they were women we’d have a lot of people talking about how useless and whinny they are. But noooo. They’re guys, and the most notorios of them are conventionally attractive, so we’re just gonna call it ‘Quirky’ and ‘Endearing’. At least in the book when they were being dicks, Bilbo or Gandalf would call them out for it and it’d be like ‘Crap he’s right, OK, let’s tone it down a little’ but here whenever Bilbo actually does speak up they have the gull to seem offended. If glares were knives he would have been dead ten times over in that one scene where he tells them he knows Bard’s name because he ASKED. Like...dammit Thorin! I know even your book self was very snobbish and egocentric, but at least the book knew how to paint it as ridiculous as it is! Here I’m supposed to actually buy your superiority even though most of the time you’re on screen I wanna kick you in the nads. The result is that where bad things happen to these characters and you’re supposed to feel bad for them, I’m like ‘Meh, bitch had it coming’. There are exceptions, of course, but in this case it just serves to make the fact that the other guys are jerks even more obvious.

 And Bard, omg, Bard. The guy from the original book who seemingly was the only one who had common sense? And was described as ‘Severe’ in the midst of people who refused to see the possible downsides to their support of Thorin’s campaign and therefore dubbed by them as a ‘Partypooper’? Here he is yet ANOTHER brooding beardy heroic guy. And granted, Tolkien does describe him sort of like that sort of guy, but in a film that is filled with so many Prince Zuko brand of brooding characters, all of them more or less on the same flavor of ANGST...it feels like a human Thorin. It could have been interesting had the parallel been handled well,or addressed at all. But no.

Then there’s the elf OC. I tried not to mind her as much because one of the versions I’ve heard for her existing is ‘Jackson realized this was kind of a sausage fest so he had to put a female character there’. But. Nah, man, it was pure ‘We need romance’ bullshit, and it really does bother me. Oh no, wait, she also serves the purpose of showing how much of a dick Legolas’s dad is. ‘cause locking people up for approaching a party when they’re lost and starving in the woods isn’t clear enough on that matter. Again, Tolkien makes a point on telling you the elf king might be kind of a jerk but is not a bad guy. He makes brash and unkind choices, as anyone does, but that doesn’t make him evil or anything. NOPE. Here we get a faaaabulous asshole that kinda makes you wonder how Legolas is open-minded enough to be in a relationship-which-i-can-never-figure-whether-it’s-romantic-or-not with a dwarf and be ride-or-die from the very start with Aragorn. Was his mom the middle earth variety of hippie or something? Anyway, the girl’s participation (I can’t for the life of me remember her goddamn name I’m sorry) is pretty much just a token girl warrior with a dash of forbidden love tropes for shock value. And you know anytime something is pushed into a story for mere shock value, chaaaaances are the story ain’t that good to begin with.

Speaking of romance, I can see why tumblr went crazy with the ‘Thorin and Bilbo are boyfriends’, seeing how people here love unbalanced power dynamics so much. Thorin not ONCE stops being the over-glorified piece of dickwaddle he is, not once does he step down from his high horse to Bilbo’s level. Hell, I see a more ground level relationship with Balin, but none of you are jumping on that wagon because Balin is old and old people are gross I guess, what you want is kawaiikawaii boilove YAOI or whatever the fuck you kids are calling your gross fetish version of gay people now. Thorin is just so superior to everyone that I just can’t see him being boyfriends with anyone. And tbh if it did happen I’d be like ‘Dump his ass, baby, you deserve better’. HE IS JUST SO INSUFFERABLY HIGH AND MIGHTY UGH! and what little redeeming qualities he has are quickly and easily over-shadowed by his default moodiness and arrogance! Honest to God if I you met a guy like this in real life you wouldn’t be able to put up with him for more than a day! It’s the exact kinda guy we all stayed away from on high school because he took offense in the strangest things and acted like he was better than everyone else while at the same time moaning about how he’s an outcast and no one understands him. IT’S AWFUL.

Look, someday I’m gonna buy like two liters of pulque, get drunk, and actually watch the entirety of the latter two films from beginning to end just so I can know if they’re not as bad as they seem (Though BeneDICK CUNTberbatch kinda makes me want to never ever do it) but today wasn’t that day. I was five minutes in and I was already clawing at my face. Goddammit.

[fourteenacross]

okay so now that you've seen all of them and hashtag love them all, what is your Official Ranking of the pierres?

OKAY, ANON I spent a longer time on this then I probably should have and I’m kind of embarrassed about how short it is after all the time I spent thinking about it.

The problem with loving all Pierres is that it’s hard to decide how and why to elevate a certain performance above another. There is SO MUCH going on in this show and with this character in particular that there are a million ways for an actor to shine or to give a particular interpretation that knocks my socks off. So, here is my scientific analysis* of all the Pierres I’ve seen, complete with conclusions.

*Not actually very scientific

HASHTAG I LOVE ALL PIERRES, THE NUMBERS

Scott x2Groban x1Malloy x1Oak x1

HASHTAG I LOVE ALL PIERRES, THE OVERVIEW

My slide into loving Pierre was slow and steady, not as immediate as with some of the other characters. My first love (and still my fave) when walking out of the show the first time was Sonya. The second time, Natasha had my heart, and Dolokhov stole it right after through a talkback we saw with Nick Choksi. I liked Pierre at the start, I liked his arc, but it wasn’t until I fought with some rando on tumblr about how gr8 Pierre is that I began to realize how resonant parts of his arc were. Spending time listening to the words on the cast recording and reading the lyrics and thinking about the story started to lodge Pierre into my heart. I think I reblogged the “and this bright star / having traced its parabola” verse like, five times between December 2015 and November 2016 because it was so resonant.

What really sealed it once and for all was seeing the show for the first time on Broadway. Our first seats at the Imperial were right around Pierre’s salon, which gave me a super up-close view of the emotions that Pierre goes through over the course of the show. Obviously, when you’re watching this show you always feel present in the narrative (and I have a whole other post somewhere within me about how the set and theatre decor create this liminal safe space), but sitting that close to Pierre and watching him through portions of the show, I felt extra present in his arc. We were right there for “Pierre” and “The Duel” and “Dust and Ashes” and “Pierre and Natasha” and “The Great Comet of 1812,” watching him have these tiny revelations that build up into a larger revelation. It was lovely, and anyone who says “Ugh, I can’t believe you would sit on the stage, you miss so much” doesn’t realize how much more you gain from being close enough to touch the characters as they go through these events and deal with the personal ramifications.

So, I liked Pierre right off the bat, I grew ever fonder in the long stretch between ART and Broadway, and I really hit the level of just adoring him after seeing that first Broadway performance.

HASHTAG I LOVE ALL PIERRES, THE PLAYERS

Each of the guys I saw played Pierre in an almost entirely different way than the others, which is one of my favorite things about theatre. I’ve tried to explain to my parents when I was younger and seeing Rent like it was my job and to friends who haven’t had the privilege to experience theatre as a repeat customer how incredibly unique an experience it is. Every actor is going to take something different off the page and thus give something different to the audience. With a show like this, backed by hundreds of pages of background information and years and years of adaptations and such a diverse body of material, that’s especially true. 

eta: I should add, too, that I’ve never discussed acting choices with these gentlemen. This is entirely based on my interpretations of what I saw them doing on stage.

GROBAN: Groban’s Pierre is actively angry. He’s mad at himself for wasting his life and mad at the world for disappointing him. His “Pierre” is almost aggressive in places. And his suicidality in “The Duel” is more of the “FUCK THIS I AM DONE” variety. You get the impression that he wants to shake the world by the shoulders and say, “This is it? This is what we get? This is what’s worth all the suffering and garbage? Fuck you.” His revelation in “Dust and Ashes” is similarly aggressive. He hits this place where he realizes he can’t die yet because there are things in life that he’s missing, things that he’s keeping himself from having and he has to find them and he’s lamenting his own worthlessness while also resolving to move forward, goddammit, if only to spite himself and the world. This attitude reaches its peak in “Pierre and Anatole,” where you really think the dude is gonna beat the shit out of Anatole, and then we slowly get to watch that aggression leave him as that song winds down and he realizes what he’s done and what he’s doing. It continues that was through “Pierre and Andrey” as he sees Andrey’s anger at Natasha, and he perhaps, begins to see how miserable that angry lifestyle as left Andrey, all the while continuing to struggle with the concept of love he began to explore in “Dust and Ashes.” Meeting Natasha at the end opens him to this world of tenderness and innocence and love that he had thought was beyond him. He spends “The Great Comet of 1812” in awe of that revelation.

MALLOY: Dave’s Pierre is more…sad. His “Pierre” is more despair and longing. He’s TIRED. He can’t DO IT anymore, the world is SO MUCH and he’s just DONE. He’s awkward and hunched and he’s given up. I think Dave’s Pierre is maybe the Pierre that I relate to most because he’s depressed in a way that I get depressed, that sort of whole-body listlessness. His arc from “The Duel” to “Dust and Ashes” is straight up giving up in the former and then falling into his desperation in the latter. He’s asking these questions and making these observations about himself because he doesn’t know the answers and he desperately wants to. He starts act two with this new zeal for finding these answers and he just can’t sustain it, even as he’s trying to push through and be this other person. His “what I wouldn’t give to be like him” in “Preparations” reads as a reflection of this new take on life that he was trying to push himself into. He wants to be the person who just takes his lot in life and is able to wring the best out of it, but he’s not. He’s befuddled as the nonsense with Natasha and Anatole plays out and that slides into anger at Anatole for both throwing this opportunity and not even realizing how badly he’s fucked up. The last three songs start with him being depressed and caught up in the middle of this triangle and really despairing that if no one else can can find fulfillment in life–Anatole and Andrey and Natasha–then how can he expect to find it himself, and then having that moment with Natasha, moved by her kindness, struggling to understand her the same way he struggled to understand Andrey, and being so moved his entire perspective changes. He’s also the awkwardest Pierre by far and I love him for that.

SCOTT: Scott’s Pierre is somewhere between Malloy and Groban. He’s more frustrated than angry, but he also has qualities of having given up the way Dave has. He’s looking for answers the same way that Dave is, but it’s less frantic desperation and more exasperated that he’s spent years looking for answers and he’s still back at square one and everyone is enjoying life, but he can’t seem to figure out how to do it. His Act 2 brings this all crashing down as he realizes that all these people who he thinks do have a good life with their act together are just as fucked up as he is, specifically Andrey and Natasha, but also to a lesser degree, Anatole. “Pierre and Natasha” was very fragile and probably the most like Oak’s. He doesn’t quite have Groban or Oak’s charisma and he doesn’t have Dave’s self-deprecation, but he makes up for that in other ways. He nails those two spoken lines with a sort of quiet forthrightness that none of the other Pierres hit in quite the same way, and as he was the first Pierre I saw, he really set the standard and I feel like I compare all the other readings to this one. 

OAK: Oak’s Pierre is sad. He’s on his way to that Malloy-esque despair but hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. Malloy’s sadness is so complete that it’s more like the numbness of depression, whereas Oak’s Pierre is still feeling things sharply and trying to stop himself before he gets that bad, but unsure how to do so. It added a sort of poignancy to “Dust and Ashes” in the opposite way of Malloy’s–Malloy’s “Dust and Ashes” has that poignancy because his Pierre has hit rock bottom and is seeing the light for the first time and just awed by it. Oak’s Pierre is saved from hitting rock bottom by that moment in “Dust and Ashes.” His anger at Anatole is INTENSE, as is his sadness at seeing Andrey throw Natasha aside. His “Pierre and Natasha” has him in over his head and unsure how to proceed. He wasn’t prepared to play this role in people’s lives, especially when he doesn’t even have his own shit together. He’s mired in confusion, so much so that it’s not until the “Pierre grew confused” that it clicks for him that that’s what’s going on. He really wants to connect with Natasha and is honestly upset that he can’t seem to do it. In “The Great Comet of 1812,” he has this slow revelation of what it means to be a person that’s a perfect reflection of that moment in “Dust and Ashes” that he decides to live, so soft and deep in counterpoint to the frenzy of before. 

HASHTAG I LOVE ALL PIERRES, ET CETERA

Malloy wins “No, I am enjoying myself at home this evening” for comic perfection, though Oak is only seconds behind him for the AMAZING awkward grin and thumbs up he gives the audience. 

Oak wins the start of “The Duel” because he imbues his performance with an almost goofy quality that works so well for Pierre just letting himself be free for one moment before it gets spoiled.

Malloy wins “Nothing matters–or everything matters, it all the same.” I’m still thinking about his delivery of this line and how it fits in with his Pierre so well.

Scott wins “Nothing but the candle in the mirror”–Scott’s got a lovely, melodic voice–less intense than Groban’s and less gruff than Dave’s and fuller than Oak’s.

Groban wins the toast in “The Abduction.”

Malloy wins the “Whaaaaaat"s by FAR.

Oak wins “Pierre and Anatole.”

HASHTAG I LOVE ALL PIERRES, THOSE LINES

Guys, I don’t know. All I can tell you is that Groban is out–I was kind of put off by his delivery the first time I saw him but it grew on me over time, listening to the cast recording and boots.

Scott’s set the standard for how I hear it in my head and how I interpret the lines, but Malloy and Oak were both so lovely that I burst into tears listening to them.

This might be a three-way tie.

HASHTAG I LOVE ALL PIERRES, THE CONCLUSION

Having seen the four Pierres from this incarnation of the show, I can tell you definitively that……..I love all Pierres and can’t choose a favorite.

Sorry!

I tried really hard to rank them, but things kept pushing people back up and down the list and it just wasn’t happening. It’s a four-way tie.

I love all Pierres.

[stannamarsh]

Souvenirs From Hell

Souvenirs From Hell, by H.R Martin, (AKA YokoKoko on Tumblr, though this is the best edit.) I worked all day on this and forgot to eat. ----------------------------------------- Maya Angelou once commented that, "There's no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." A certain person who will be mentioned later gave the opposite advice. Don't tell stories. Stories make one accountable. . Anyway, this story is unapologetic and it is all mine. What I learned recently has to do with the difference between life as a messed up 24 or 25 year old and one as a messed up 29 year old, aka me. It starts with knowing what you want and planning how to get it. Knowing that your fuck-ups are your responsibility. Knowing you're a mentally ill bitch who says harsh things, making the granary of truth in your words harder to hear. It's frustrating that you were attempting to communicate but somehow you got it all wrong. It's wanting desperately to be more thoughtful, helpful, intelligent, necessary and kind with your words. It's striving for the best in every action I choose to take. I want to be a decent human being. Due to my flaws, it's a struggle. Knowing isn't the issue. Doing right is the challenge. As for the five years growth between 24 and 29 I never believed it was that big of a difference until I lived it. That gap, in my experience is filled with codependency and attempts to train or fix someone. This is how we drive ourselves crazy. It's their journey. Not letting others walk their own journey or not being left alone to walk it is 90% of our therapists' jobs. We should work on ourselves. Because many, if not most partners that we try to prod and improve, and love into what we need them to be are stubborn idiots, and frankly so are we, for attempting to do this. I don't want to waste my fucking energy trying to train them to man/woman/non-binary up and be friggin grownups. Not my circus, not my monkeys, and most certainly, not my cage. Now that the intro is finished, the goals. I want: 1) A home that is mine. Not living in a hippie garbage can or benign drug house, albeit one with a chill vibe, in a nice neighborhood full of little-free-libraries, with nice people who are doing their best so you can't really blame them. But goddammit, I want different. It scared me that this was becoming my life. Is this my scene? What about my goals? I got negative and bitchy, and eventually exploded despite your stellar hospitality. I'm trying to work on these things at my own place, but humans are influenced by their friends. I need to distance myself until my living space at Hawk's Ridge is up to my standards, I need to work on that. Yours can be whatever you want it to be. And the hypothetical me with my shit together would give zero fucks about that, once I'm confident that I have my own standards in place. Otherwise, I get very anxious. 2) A solid community of friends and family who are "going places" in life, to the best of their individual ability (which does not mean under the constant influence of recreational yet legal prescriptions.) I'm not judging, given my penchant for these, and the fact that I'm starting NA tonight. Legal drugs that become a grey area between therapeutic and recreational are fun, but they won't help you achieve you goals. Anxiolytics are for anxiety, or the dentist. Vicodin is for pain and don't mix either with copious amounts of alcohol. That's why you spend too much time throwing up instead of doing fun things, like a cancer patient with much nicer hair. Also, drink water if you want to keep up with Mexicans, working in the hot sun without getting heat exhaustion. Common sense, people. I'm not saying your pain isn't real but some of it is your doing, just like some of mine is my doing. We have to hold ourselves accountable, better ourselves, drink and smoke weed socially and responsibly on VACATION (not stupidly or ever before getting behind the wheel.) Get with the program. People with more obstacles than solid doctors, helpful family, and a paid-off home do it every day. This was what I was keeping to myself until I said it in the wrong way while crying in your bathtub, "communicating" why I was harshing your buzz with my negativity. At the time, I had had a Klonopin, a Xanax, a Vicodin, another Xanax, another Xanax, and alcohol. I'm not a puker. I'm a cathartic, brutally honest crier, which is as bad a vomit in its own way. It smells better but takes longer to clean up. I'm sorry I hurt that sweet boy's feelings through the wall and seemed ungrateful for your hospitality. It's my fault for taking all those drugs, but I wasn't comfortable, something was wrong, I couldn't put my finger on it, and I repressed it with anything available to keep from being rude. It didn't work. There was truth in what I said, but the way I put it was mean, and unnecessary. Holding stuff in is bad for me. You said communicate. I said what I said and if I hadn't said it then, I would have done so eventually. Yes, I am grateful to people who open their homes to me, go on adventures with me, share their possessions with me. Catharsis can be cruel. I can't hang around you when I have 99 problems to solve already. Whether you would even want that is a mystery to me. I'll be busy but I still care. Though, I expect at this point, it's tl;dr for the both of you. That's another thing. Friends are people for whom tl;dr does not exist, unless they've had a stroke or something. 3) If there is a love mate out there for me, a soulmate if such a thing exists, I want to encounter this person on my adventures. I don't chase or look, because it depresses me and reduces love "such that it is" to consumption, or a meal ticket, a housing situation, a drug connection, a business deal, or a codependent puddle of mutual enabling. It's worse than any drug, save needles, meth, or crack, and all too often often, "love" drives otherwise healthy people down that road. 4. I want to go to Boulder, CO, my own personal Mecca. My condolences that police and a drugged hippie were mutually stupid and it resulted in tragedy. I mean the guy was strung out running naked in public. The worst child murder/ rape in recent memory went down there too, but people move on and this is where I want to live. This is my goal and I'm strong enough to not let news reports stop me from achieving what I want. 5. I want my MLIS and I will get it in December. When I get my debt and income under control, I want to participate in a BA to MD/PH.D program because once I'm stable, and clean, I know I can buckle down, tear through that MCAT and make it happen. See, when I was messed up, I at least knew enough not to hurt myself or spend the next day vomiting. Let's turn this sad, low-rent talent of mine into something that can help people. Want to be: medical librarian, doctor, medical PH.D (You heard me: MUD/FUDD), writer,Gonzo blogger, adventurer, world traveler, and at times, gainfully unemployed. These will all happen if I go to my meetings and follow Dr. Robert's advice: Get clean, hang out only with stable people who are tackling their goals, and achieve my scholarly potential, which truth be told, is at least a Masters' and an M.D/Ph.D. Not to brag, but that potential is somewhere between Lisa Simpson and Malcolm in the MIddle. (Meaning I'm probably a crazy genius, and if I'm retarded, John is a vegetable, organic I hope, so as compost he can me useful.) People say all the time that you're too old to start over. If someone can't do it they want to tell you that you can't either. Age is just a number. And truth be told, I'd rather die learning than being stuck in mediocrity. 6. I want happiness, stability, freedom from drama. attachment issues, an end to envy that a friend or acquaintance has someone, no matter how messed up the situation. I want independence, to control my compulsive, self destructive need to help others when there's shit I have to do for myself, just to prove my worth and keep them from leaving me. I end up burnt out and I become unnecessarily honest at people. I need to trust my vibes. If a situation feels icky or grasping or just plan dirty, I'm out. It's been real. Thanks for having me. Time to go slay the other goals. 7. MONEY...ENOUGH money that I have everything I want and need,within reason and accounting for storage space: a home, a housekeeper, or at least some kind of professional organizer to help me with cleaning and beautifying my abode, which is not my forte. My wonderful parents Susan Coleman and Donald Jeff Martin are helping me follow my bliss. They are the absolute best parents. I can never do enough to properly thank them for giving me life, taking a great risk to do so, for my dad taking the time to give private preschool quality education to me as a toddler so now math and languages are easy, for my mom who taught me about feminism, and whether she knew it or not, supercharged my innate qualities of forthrightness, justice, and the desire to fight for what's right. Thanks for teaching me right from wrong,and taking care of me. I had an enriched life, despite our initial lack of money. That is a miracle. My parents (and my pets, and my goals) are, together MY EVERYTHING. Gratitude. Balance. Best Life. That's what I'm after. Money is the tool to reach goals, not the goal itself. 8. Lastly, I want adventure....safe, but not so safe that it isn't fun. Exploring the world, writing, experiencing, living. This alone will keep me from getting sucked into any sexist bullshit or dysfunctional "love" vortex. When I achieve THAT, the desire to hurt myself, check out, or die will be OVER forever. I know this instinctively. That's the GP. Hell. I might become a GP. But, I'd prefer something more Housean, such as Pathology or Internal Medicine, I am the queen of my castle. But, to paraphrase Marley, that castle is in my MIND. To paraphrase Thoreau, my castles in the sky are the shit. Now they and I need a proper FOUNDATION. None of this is meant to be a mean dig at Jexi. I call you this because I know you as a unit. Who are each of you individually?(Also, I don't think either of you are notorious enough to be figured out by that alone, so I'm attempting discretion.) This is just my perspective. My truth. Thank you's to: Gino Dykstra, Amy, the therapist, Doctor Robert Wesner, Dr Widitz, Dr. Don St. John, and Linda the P.C, and all the people from Partial Hospitalization and STEPPS. If I forget someone, add yourself. Oh, Lori Parrish Niemi, Christina Morris Penn-Goetsch, William Niemi, Jexi, for helping me gain this insight, and Keith E Gatling. Weirdly, I am also grateful for that squirrelly, two-faced bastard, John Trachsel, who made himself useful for the first time ever, by convincing me to abandon my impulsive suicide gesture. He didn't know who he was talking to so he treated me like a person/ possible lay for a while and pretended to care, right up until the point where he learned he had called me. I could hear him backtracking because he doesn't want people to know he talks to me. When I called him out on this, he called me crazy, "retarded", and finally admitted that he didnt want people to know he talked to me. He, in a his glory thinks he's too good to talk to me? I have his mugshot on my hard drive, named "ThereISAGod.jpg." This is bullshit because most people have no problem acting like a god-damn human toward me. Anyway, this is proof that even a shmuck-a- fuck like him may sometimes do good things by accident. Of course, if he'd caught on quicker, I think that he would have hung up immediately. If he, for one second believed that I, Hanna Martin. was distraught, suicidal, and in need of help, hell, that was his goal anyway, right? But screw you, I didn't kill myself. My point is that even though you badly need therapy and other help, you are not completely useless. There may still be inpatient help for you and I no longer wish you dead. Thanks to all who have helped. One day at a time.

[itsnotsammy]

Heyyyy you. Guess what? All? Of? Them?

fanfic author ask meme (a.k.a. cait will kill me one day)

placing this under read more because you guys are already tired of giant texts about me answering questions *glares at cait*

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today? I’ve written my very first fanfic like 15 years ago. It was some Harry Potter crap and I’m just glad that thing is gone for good. But honestly, I’ve reread some of my old fanfics and IT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE

2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come? I guess it’s Burial at Sea and Barriers to Trans-Dimensional Travel (and How to Break Them), both a Supernatural/Bioshock crossover. I’m stuck on chapter 3 so far and ugh I’m a terrible person.

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic? Oohh, that’s a hard one. In this very moment, I’m very fond of my messiah!Sam verse and I can’t wait to write more about it.

4. In your opinion and without looking at any numbers, what’s your most popular fic? It’s A Hundred Words, a RoTG fanfic I used to update on Fanfiction.net. On Tumblr, I’m not sure because I didn’t post any complete fanfic yet.

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that? A Hundred Words. It’s adorable and I wish I had the muse to finish it.

6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that? Every single fanfic I’ve written 10 years ago.

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)? Burial at Sea, because SPN/Bioshock, dude.

8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)? Wow. I guess it’s Nightingale's Eyes but this one is a distant dream.

9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material? Not really.

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it? Hey, Dragon Age fandom. I see you.

11. Have you ever written a fic for a concept you know someone else has done before? How did it impact your writing process or feelings after posting? I don’t think so? I’ve written a lot tbh, I don’t remember exactly everything but nah, I’m cool. I mean, it’s a big world and I’ve even seen this situation happening in books.

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why? *looks at 28736287 unfinished fanfics* I wonder why...

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today? Writing style, I guess. I change it a lot but I’m never satisfied.

14. What’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today? Back when I started, I wasn’t very fond of the whole alternative universe idea. *laughs at the irony*

15. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular? Nah.

16. Have you ever stopped writing a fic/for a fandom because it wasn’t receiving enough attention? Hell yea. What can I say, I’m a slut for attention sometimes.

17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic? Anything I post on Tumblr tbh *chuckles*

18. What’s your most underrated fic? Don’t know, don’t really care. It’s been ages since I last checked AO3 & Fanfiction.net to be sure, because I don’t bother.

19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick? Do not trespass. Incestuous sex ahead.

20. Have/Would you ever rewrite a fic? If yes, would you take the original down? YES. YES. YES. I’m always glad to rewrite a fanfic because it looks 10000 times better than the original and jfc, I wonder why people read the classic one.

21. If someone starts kudosing and commenting your fics in a spree and has a few works of their own, would you go look through theirs? Of course.

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed? Y E S.

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten? My A Hundred Words has lots of wonderful reviews and it makes me feel terrible for abandoning the fanfic. People in RoTG fandom are so nice!

24. What’s the meanest review you’ve ever gotten? Do you think the reviewer intended it? I don’t think I’ve gotten one? I really can’t remember lol

25. What constructive criticism, however well-meaning, always makes you feel bad when you see it in a review? I...dunno. Seriously. I’m terrible at this.

26. What aspect of your writing do you most enjoy to see praised? Everything. As I said, I love getting attention.

27. If you could only ever write crossovers or single-fandom fics ever again, which would you pick? Supernatural/Bioshock because yea. This crap is my life force and I’m not even ashamed.

28. if you could only ever write for a single crossover or a single fandom again, which would you pick? Supernatural.

29. Does the division of your writing across fandoms line up with your reading? What’s the biggest discrepancy? *shrugs* not really sure about this one, sorry.

30. Do you continue to write for a fandom after you’ve moved on or do you focus solely on the new one? It depends on my muse. And my time. And,,, a lot of things. Heh.

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right? What’s up Dean? Doing good today?

32. Who’s the one character who shines without you even trying? Sam Fucking Winchester.

33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up? Hey Sammy, don’t even try to hide. Dad loves you.

34. Was there any fic that you wrote that really surprised you in the fandom reaction? Was it just by the numbers or did they take it an entirely different way? I never expected A Hundred Words to be so loved, tbh.

35. Have you ever written a ship into a fic without meaning to? *squints at Sam/Atlas* Hm. I think so. Not what I planned but goddammit these characters! They do what they want, I swear.

36. Have you ever sincerely written a ship you do not support into a fic? Nope. What for? I can barely write things about the ships I support!

37. Have you ever purposefully bashed a character/ship in a fic? Nah. Don’t think so.

38. Have you ever purposefully written something you know your readers would find uncomfortable/would not enjoy? If yes, why? *pushes underage non-con away* what? Me, never. Why would I do it?

39. Do you consider yourself to have a readership? No.

40. Do you feel like you put out enough content? Nevah.

41. If you cross-post your fics on multiple sites, do you have a favorite? Are there certain fics you would only post on certain site? I’ve been focused on Fanfiction.net for a long time and it’s still my favorite.

42. How many views has your most popular fic gotten? 66,810.

43. Your least popular? 150.

44. Do you follow/favorite/kudos/comment/review more stories than you have received? Obviously, hah.

45. If you had to call yourself an author of a single genre (besides fanfic) what label would you give yourself? Sadistic asshole.

46. Do you consider yourself a diverse author? Yeah. I mean, I have a lot of fanfics through lots of fandoms and countless AUs waiting to be written one day.

47. If someone you know in real life who isn’t involved in fandoms asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first? Hahahahaha, no thank you.

48. Does anyone you know from outside of fandom know you write fanfic? Are they involved in the same fandom too? Nope nope.

49. Has anyone in your life ever read your fanfic just because you wrote it? Nope.

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive? Yea, it opened some doors and windows and made me realize how much I love writing, even if I’m not good enough nor creative enough. It just makes me feel good and... special, I guess.

[ohh-kaye]

a realisation???

A preface: It is October 13, 2019. I’m putting it here because I don’t know if I’m posting this the day I write it or some other day because I think my brother knows my tumblr and I don’t particularly want anyone, let alone my family, reading this. So, I’m re-branding maybe? God I’m pathetic.

.

.

.

I finished a hospitality course yesterday.

 I am sad.

 It’s also so confusing to explain why.

 I don’t even want to write this post down because i feel like i’m going to slap myself in the face in the future when i read this because i sound so stupid.

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 But i want to write this down (on the internet where people can read my private thoughts) because i will go crazy if i keep thinking about this and if i don’t put it into words, it’ll consume me for a long time and it’s not good so let’s just fucking put it out there.

 What is this that i’m feeling.

 It’s so fucking stupid.

 It was only 3 weeks that I’ve known this person and holy shit i want to keep talking to them. what.

 I don’t know.

 I don’t know.

 I do not know what’s going on with my head.

 The course is over and i don’t know how to contact this person and I sort of told them that I don’t have social media because I don’t like talking to people and fuck fuckfuck I’m thinking that he took that as a red flag or something and that I wouldn’t like talking to them but I do because you’re cute and I really like you

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 I sound so stupid because it’s like I’m building this fucking fantasy in my head that this dude likes me or something and it’s so stupid because I’m stupid for thinking this. Right???

 I don’t know.

 I’m so confused right now.

 I’m never gonna see this person again so it’s obviously over, whatever this fake reality I’ve imagined, but there’s this tiny tiny tiny little voice in my head that’s like “It’s fate. You’ll see each other again”. Bitch no.

 This dude obviously didn’t like you because he said (as you were eavesdropping to his conversation with other people by the way you freaking creep) that if he likes someone, he says it to them directly and they let the person do whatever they want with that information. He didn’t say anything on the last day so he obviously doesn’t like you so you need to stop whatever it is you’re feeling right now because it’s over.

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 When he started talking about dnd, I thought “shit this dude’s a nerd wtf” and then I realised that I like nerds which explains my weird attractions to my teachers because I think they’re so passionate and intelligent and this guy who I will refer to as “Complex”, is exactly those 2 qualities that I like.

 Side note: clues on “Complex”’s name: (1) this is related to the sinus rhythm, (2) those are his initials, (3) he is named after a director and a DC character

 I had a full interaction with complex when we made coffee at the end of week 1 and he was bursting with confidence and I don’t know why I liked listening to him talking about anything and everything but I just did and I usually don’t like people so it was very strange that I didn’t fully shut down as I was there.

 I knew by the second week that complex is a cute human person.

 When I got my job offer it was him and another person that I told first and he said he was proud of me and I was confused because bud you don’t know me so why are you saying that but also ohmygod he just talked to me.

 Ffs I’m a grown-ass woman and I’m swooning over any person who talks to me ahahahaha

 We talked about joker and I told him to watch it (he would’ve watched it anyways)

 By week 3 I was so looking forward to going to this hospitality course just because he was there.

 How fucking pathetic is that?! What is wrong with you get yourself together lady.

 We get it you like him but come on wtf are you doing

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 I was going to the venue 20 minutes early just because I knew he was also there early and even though I’d sit in silence for the majority of it because I was being fucking coy than to engage in conversation, I was fine with it because if we did talk, there was more time.

 Wat

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 Then we started talking about dnd and I know jackshit about dnd but he seemed so interested that I was also interested and he asked “are you interested in playing dnd?” and I freaked out and because I’m delusional, I thought he would ask me to be a part of his campaign and I didn’t want to because I didn’t like leaving my house and hanging out with other people would involve leaving my house so I said out of habit when people wonder if I want to hang out is “no not really” but in my head I was like “I wanna hang out with you goddammit but my social anxiety seems to take precedent. Nooooo”

 Then he introduced me to masks: storm force and he said “I’ll send it to you” and my fucking heart was racing for god knows what reason because I didn’t have social media for him to send anything to and I don’t know if I wanted him to know how to contact me because I’m actually terrified of people so I kept dodging it when he would say “I’ll send it to you” and I would just say “yeah I’ll look for it”.

 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 And by the end of that day, as I was walking out, he was waiting outside and I was saying goodbye and he said “if you want to watch masks, it’s called storm force” and I was acting casual like I was gonna watch it but not really but I am going to watch it because I want us to talk tomorrow.

 So I dedicated 2 hours of my night for it just so we had a topic of conversation and so he thought I was cool or something I don’t fucking know.

 The next day, he seemed so impressed that I watched it and in all honesty storm force is actually cool and I’m going to keep watching it even though we will never see each other again.

 I even made a new friend, Nancy (his name is actually Charlie but he became a meme so he became Nancy after week 1) and the three of us talked about masks.

 During lunch, we made the character Kevin, an elf wizard bard who controlled the sun and hated vegetables and went sailing from time to time and is also CHAOTIC EVIL, for his campaign because he needed a new character.

 That was really fun that day.

 After that, conversations came a lot easier and holy shit I just wanted to keep talking to him.

 Wtf

 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 And then on RSA day, there was a pair activity and because our little group had 4 members and I knew the other 2 girls already paired up so it was obvious that it would be me complex paired up but I didn’t really want to broach the subject by pairing with me in case he didn’t want to pair up with me so I pretended to do my work until he brought it up and then brought it up.

 I even fucking pretended that I didn’t hear him the first time.

 It went:

 C: kaye, do you want to pair up?

K: hmm?

C: do you want to pair up and go next?

K: yeah sure (I was fucking screaming internally)

 And we did the activity and we were laughing at the role play that we were instructed to do (we had to act drunk) and I was ecstatic that I was making him laugh and he was so fucking adorable when it was his turn. Kevin became an inside joke too.

 Mah hart mah sole

 The last day came and I was so sad because I was never gonna see him again and I really wanted to keep talking to him in the future.

 But then I remembered that the day before, I had said that I deleted facebook and he looked confused and asked if I deleted messenger as well and I said yes and he enumerated all forms of social media and I had no social media and what followed actually broke me because he said “So if I wanted to contact you, I have to contact you on your physical phone number” to which I replied “yes but then again, I would also not reply or I’d think about replying and won’t” and he laughed and I said “maybe you could send it on a bird” and he followed up with “so you really don’t like talking to people?” and I said “yes” and I DON’T WHY THAT FUCKING CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH BECAUSE (THIS IS MY DELUSION TALKING) WHAT IF THAT SHUT THE DOOR FOR HIM AND INDICATED THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 Stupidstupidstupid

 Wtf is wrong with me

 Then I brought chocolates on the last day.

 Complex, Nancy and I talked some more because we had developed a friendship on the last day (of all fucking days *eye roll*)

 And we didn’t end up in a group together so I didn’t even get to be around him for a whole day.

 I sound so weird right now

 I sat alone during break and he came over to my table and I don’t even remember what we talked about.

 We went and arranged the chocolates that I brought and arranged them numerically and alphabetically and my hand brushed over his hand and I fucking died for a second.

 And during lunch break, we went to look for Nancy and we went outside but I didn’t really want to be outside so I went back in and waited for Nancy.

 Side note: I almost slipped and was about to say “Complex is so pretty”. Fuck that would’ve been disastrous.

 So, Nancy and I were looking at memes about dark souls and he came in and I think he was about to sit with us but I’m actually a bitch but I thought I was engaging in banter and I went “did you just interrupt me and nancy’s conversation?” and then I don’t know because he sat far away and was on his phone and I felt so bad and I wanted him to join in because it’s the LAST DAY AND EXCUSE ME I REALLY LIKE YOU AND WANT YOU TO BE HERE and after looking at memes, I invited him to the table because I felt bad and wanted him to be around and everything was fine (I think… I hope) and our table finally filled up with the rest of our “people who it at the front” group and we had a really good conversation and I guessed complex’s middle name!

 It really sucked when lunch break came to an end because I knew there was a finite amount of time left but at least I was making coffee next and he happened to be making coffee as well and we were the pair to go up and everything was fine and everything was cool and I was also sad.

 I didn’t fuck up making coffee that time though.

 And I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day because we went back to our groups to finish our assessments.

 At the end of the day, when we were cleaning up, there was one chocolate left and he offered it to me but I gave it to him because I didn’t want to eat the chocolate that I bought for everyone.

 And he has the most amazing smile and laugh that I’ve seen on a human person.

 I really hate myself right now.

 Before the class was dismissed, we had to answer a survey and I was writing really slowly just so I could finish with him and we could walk out together (because I’m a such a loser and a creep) and I could say goodbye but I wasn’t very observant and didn’t see that he had left already and was outside.

 So instead of saying goodbye, I chickened out and walked right past him and pretended I didn’t see him and went home.

 All I was thinking is “just walk away before you do something really stupid and embarrassing”.

 And I hate myself so much for this.

 *sigh*

 But you know what I am most certain of now?

 That I am definitely not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.

 I’ve always told myself this and only after this have I been truly sure.

 I read somewhere that if you meet the right person the question of “being ready” doesn’t even come up because you will pursue it if you’re really ready.

 I personally don’t feel accomplished enough in my life for me have pride in anything. I’m unemployed, don’t have a car and I live with my parents and I most importantly, I suck as a person. Maybe I should prioritise myself first? It’s like “readiness” for me is like “being content with myself as a whole”. And I’m not there yet.

 And also, throughout this whole fantasy that I’ve built up in head, I realised that I am not capable of going through this.

 If Complex had asked for my number, I would’ve said no anyway (even though I would really want to say yes) because I know myself and I wouldn’t follow through seeing this person outside of this little Hospitality bubble that we were in because I’m broken.

isn’t is disgusting that i’m assuming that he would ask for my number but i’m sure that he’s not interested this whole time and i’m making a complete fool of myself by writing about this whole experience

 I’ve been meaning to make a post regarding this topic for a while now but I’ve never had a trigger for it because of the lack of motivation and inspiration but I think now’s a perfect time to put it all into words.

 Hi, I’m Kaye and I hate myself.

 I’ve always judged people for saying “You need to love yourself before you love someone else” but I’ve always known this to be true.

 As much as it sucks that I’ve been perpetually single for my 22 years of existence and very much *rejected by the many crushes I’ve had during my hormonal adolescent years, I know that I’d rather be alone and happy than be in a relationship with someone and unhappy.

 *and by rejected, I mean that I knew who their crushes were and I was not it hahahaha

 Maybe it all stemmed from those “rejections”. A few of the many crushes I had during my growing years had one common factor, they liked the same person. I’ll give you this, this girl that they like was actually perfect. She was my friend at one point. She was nice (and not in a fake way, she was purest and kind-hearted and good-natured person you would encounter), she was beautiful (with or without makeup) and she was smart (she graduated salutatorian in grade school and first honourable mention during high school). To sum it up, this little lady was the whole package so I’m not even angry at her. I’m jealous but *genuinely* props to her because she knew people liked her but she was so humble about it and it didn’t feed her ego because she had her shit together and didn’t need validation from boys to fulfil her life. How cool is that?

 But, because all of them liked her, I felt like shit because I wanted to be her so bad. How do I be nice, beautiful and smart? I am neither of those three qualities and wow what is it like to be those? Maybe it was this realisation at a young and impressionable age that I am probably not meant for love. Add to that all the movies I’ve watched that placed such importance on conventional beauty that I believed that I was destined to be single forever because I’m ugly.

 I still think this today even though I don’t want to.

 This insecurity has evolved into a monster of overlapping mental issues that I’ve become incapable of, what you would think should be an innate quality, called “self-love”.

 I don’t think it would be fair for the other person to love me so much that it somehow compensates for the lack of love that I’m giving to myself. It’s selfish and unfair. Eventually, that person will resent me for it and because in my current state now, I don’t like it when people get attached to me (because of my abandonment issues), I will accuse them of being clingy and suffocating and we’ll break up and I don’t want to have to hate myself and deal with someone else hating me too. That’ll mess me up bad. I want to be a whole person and not this broken and insecure mess that I am. I don’t know how to love myself so I can’t expect myself to give that to someone else because what even is that? I’ve spent a good chunk of my life thinking that I don’t deserve happiness that I’ve believed it.

 So, I think it will be years of single-hood that I have to endure until I learn to better take care of myself and my emotions.

 I hope I fix myself soon.

 Because I want to know what it’s like to have and be someone’s “person”.

 Wouldn’t it be nice?

  Acknowledgement: Thank you to Complex for cascading this inner discussion and introducing me to Storm Force. I hope you find success in Game Design and please don’t kill Kevin. Maybe I’ll see you at Supanova or randomly on the street or never again but nevertheless, thank you. I feel better. We are moving forward.