#going on a run and then taking an edible and I'm sleeping fine no nightmares no fucked up sleep walking or whatever

[keirametzbrassknuckles]

What if I just took a total left-turn from wine aunt to weed aunt?

[nachotrash]

ANOTHER EDITION OF INCORRECT QUOTES

ft: @catchmewiddershins @paradise-creator @elektrosonix @lilikags @todd-the-phrog and my irl bestie

Lili: I think I'm falling for you.

Anna: Then get up.

Anna: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.

Pauline: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.

*Wid walks in*

Pauline: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know.

Sara: Are you an F5 key? Because that ass is refreashing.

Wid: Are you a software update? because not right now.

Isamu: Is something burning?

Wid, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.

Isamu: Wid, the toaster is literally on fire.

Isamu: *seductively takes off glasses*

Isamu: Wow...

Anna: *blushes* Haha... what?

Isamu: You're really fucking blurry.

Anna: Any questions?

Wid: Uh, yeah, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Anna: Uh, a plan, duh...

Shiyu: Wid, chill, I know it’s weird, but Anna has a point.

Wid:

Wid: THAT WAS LITERALLY A PONY DOODLE WITH A HAT!!

Wid: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Sara!

Sara: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this.

Lili: I'm not that stupid!

Shiyu: Lili, you literally ate the wax from a babybel.

Lili: ANNA TOLD ME IT WAS EDIBLE!

Isamu: *visiting the squad* Hello, I just came to-

Isamu: *sees Sara shoving Shiyu into the washing machine while Anna records and Wid watches*

Isamu: *retreating* Something suddenly came up.

Shiyu: I failed my safety training course today.

Lili: Why, what happened?

Shiyu: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Lili: And?

Shiyu: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.

Lili: How would you like your coffee?

Wid: As dark and as bitter as my soul.

Lili, shouting to someone behind the counter: I need one vanilla latte with extra cream and sugar!

Wid: It’s time to turn this into a real business.

Shiyu: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?

Anna: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?

Sara: I handle our accounting.

(no but this is actually me)

Sara: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-

Anna: You sleep with a teddybear.

Sara: He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

Lili: You are an absolute fucking dork.

Anna, singing: Yeah, but I'm your dork!

Lili: *sighs* Yeah, you're my dork.

Lili: Guys, I didn’t memorize my lines!

Isamu: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in plays are dumb as fuck!

*During the play*

Pauline: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts?

Lili: W-what’re donuts?

Pauline: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-

Anna: A doll.

Isamu: A cinnamon roll.

Lili: A sweetheart.

Pauline:

Pauline: ...stop it.

Pauline: I think I just figured something out. I got to go.

Wid: Aren't you forgetting something?

Pauline: Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Wid's forehead before running out.*

Wid: No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

Pauline: Why should I make my bed, when I'm just gunna unmake it to sleep in it anyways?

Anna: Why should I feed you if your just gunna die anyways?

Pauline:

Pauline: I'll go make my bed-

Lili: Yo dumbass, get over here.

Shiyu: Okay-

Anna: *gleefully runs past* I’m coming!

Shiyu, sadly: I thought... I was dumbass...

Shiyu: That shirt looks great, Sara.

Sara: Thanks.

Shiyu: But I bet it would look even better on Lili's floor.

Lili: Are you hitting on Sara... for me?

Pauline: I dare you-

Lili: Isamu is not allowed to accept dares anymore.

Pauline: Why not?

Isamu: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say.

Pauline: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Isamu, taken from us in the prime of life; when they were crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.

Isamu: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

Lili: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?

Wid, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?

Sara, whispering: Because I have little hands.

Wid: Because they have little hands.

Anna: I’ve made a spread sheet of all the crime in Brooklyn.

Anna: There’s so much crime in New York, no one should live here.

Lili: Pros and cons of dating me.

Lili: Pros. You'll be the cute one.

Lili: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

Shiyu: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.

Pauline: The cow??

Shiyu: What?

Isamu: Pauline, W H Y?

Lili: We just ate. Why are you making pancakes?

Sara: For the dogs.

Wid: Why are your tongues purple?

Isamu, texting in the group chat: I wonder what Apple shots would look like?

Shiyu: That’s the longest worm I’ve ever seen.

Isamu: Is this your plan B?

Lili: What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don’t get along?

Sara: Hey, no, you stay out of this, this is between me and Isamu!

Anna: Truth or dare?

Isamu: How many children do you have?

Isamu, tearing up the room: Where are they?

Sara, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?

Isamu: I failed my safety training course today.

Pauline, watching Isamu and Sara fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?

(ok but this is kinda accurate)

Isamu: Do you want some tea?

Pauline: I have an idea.

Wid: When I was a kid, Isamu told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year.

Pauline: What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them??

Shiyu: What's wrong with you?

Wid: I intend to stay pissed at you forever.

Anna, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.

Anna, holding a rock: Isamu just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock".

Anna: What do you have?

Pauline: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.

Lili: Alright, listen up you little shits.

Anna: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal, that's where the blood's supposed to be!

Pauline: So are you gonna explain how the hell you crashed my car?

Sara: How stupid do you think I am?!

Pauline: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-

Lili: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Pauline.

Lili: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?

Anna: I wanna die.

Shiyu: Are you sure this is safe?

Wid: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Isamu: The time to act is now.

Isamu: Shiyu won’t wake up, what do I do?

Isamu: Why doesn’t Pauline find me sexy when I bite my lip?

Wid: Anna's first detention, I'm so proud.

Pauline: She's the girl of my dreams!

(and now, an only ship edition)

Pauline: So, are you two dating now?

Anna: I didn't drink that much last night.

Anna: Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet?

Shiyu: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.

Isamu: *sees Anna and Pauline together*

Pauline: Two years ago, I married my best friend.

Anna: Well, remember when Lili made a romantic dinner for me?

Isamu: Sara, let’s go!

Anna: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Wid: Is this your plan B?

Shiyu: I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don’t don’t like them. That’s not true… My partner is a bitch and I like them so much!

Lili: I find it very unseemly of Shiyu to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years?

Shiyu: Hey, Pauline? Can I get some dating advice?

Shiyu: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...

Isamu: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.

Anna: Guys, my friend here is bilingual.

Sara: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

Anna: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?

Shiyu: Isamu kissed me!

Sara: Ooh, somebody has a crush

Lili: *sees Anna and Shiyu together*

*playing twister*

Wid: So, what is Shiyu to you?

Shiyu: Why are your tongues purple?

[in-tua-deep]

I'm like, ridiculously invested in the Lumberjack lesbian mom au, so I have a question and an idea that bounces off the question. Does she know they have powers? And then what if they were in the city and she (or some other probably child civilian) gets trapped in like... A burning building or something, and Five gets her out but people see him and Reginald actually does show up, following the rumors of potential Umbrella Academy kids so Ellie gets to make good on her threat😂

She does! But not at first, they keep that under wraps because they assume that if she figures out they’re The Umbrella Academy then she’ll send them back oof and they have Vanya’s inclusion to throw off the scent as well because there’s six umbrella academy kids and seven of them

but i mean Ellie wasn’t exactly born yesterday one of these little sucker’s name is Five and sometimes they call each other by numbers or - on rare occasions - their hero names (usually only when they’re sniping at one another but Luther occasionally does it out of habit)

and these kids have weird trauma that pops up oddly. Like the fact that when Ellie is first getting everyone dinner she expects them to be,, you know,,, kids. Descend upon the food like a pack of ravenous wolves. They’re seven thirteen-year-olds they might as well be feral little gremlins regarding food they’re still growing. But nope they all very quietly pile around Ellie’s shitty table where they had to drag in like four chairs from various spots around the house into a mishmash pile and quietly wait as Ellie piles food on her own plate and she’s like “??? what are y’all waiting for???” and ben just blinks and looks at her oddly and is like “uhhh you haven’t given us permission to eat?” and ellie is just like “shit chow down kids y’all don’t need permission” but they’re all still hesitant and luther is like “how,, how much are we permitted” and ellie is just “????? i mean make sure your siblings get some but if there’s any left and you’re still hungry you can always go back for seconds”

just klaus being wide eyed and all “What’s seconds?? wait you’re telling me that after we’re done we can go back and get MORE food? just like that?” and ellie’s heart is breaking and also she’s mentally looking at her budget again about feeding seven ravenous children and figuring she’ll teach the kids to fish and what in the forest is edible 

(she’ll figure out soon enough the kids already know, they’ve been living in the forest for a while before they came upon her and she adopted them, so ellie won’t have to worry too hard about feeding them when they come home with buckets full of blackberries and mud on their clothes)

but the point is that she’s pretty sure your average 13 yr old can’t help with the lumber with the amount of ease that Luther shows. She’s also pretty sure that the way the kids keep squirreling Vanya off into the woods is pretty suspect and so are the patches of woods where the trees are blown down like a localized tornado. Plus it’s hard not to notice that sometimes Five will go off in one direction and show up in another place entirely.

they think they’re being so sneaky about it

it’s probably five that gives it up in the end

they’re all gathered in front of the tv watching a movie with songs and dancing. Let’s say footloose because why not. Allison adores movies and dancing and all of that and will often make her siblings dance with her along with the characters and so they all have the furniture shoved back against the walls as they goof around. Ellie is sitting on the couch and Klaus is trying to teach her how to knit to no avail (he’s just much better at it than she is, she just doesn’t have the patience for this kind of thing - but then again she’d thought the same of Klaus but he seems to enjoy having something to keep his hands busy when he’s sitting with Clyde sprawled across his lap)

someone moves wrong and stumbles into someone else and they trip and hands go flailing and Five flinches but he’s had training at avoiding projectiles pounded into his head (and his flesh, bruises upon bruises and blood dripping down his lip) and so he does what comes naturally to him - he jumps before Diego can crash into him. Not far, just a few feet to the left as Diego crashes to the floor, but they all freeze because Five jumped

in front of Ellie

and Ellie is scowling at her knitting which she’s pretty sure she dropped a few stitches fucking somewhere and she isn’t sure where but she barely looks up she’s just like “No powers in the house” and jabs at something with a needle that might be picking up a stitch but might also be losing another one?

“What?” Allison blurts out, echoes by the others

Ellie looks up, “I mean, I don’t mind you kids using them out in the woods or anything but shit’s breakable in the house and we’re on a budget. We can negotiate when you’re older if you like.”

“you KNOW?” Diego asks, wide eyed and somewhat alarmed

“Diego.” Ellie says patiently, giving up and passing her knitting to an alarmed looking Klaus because really he’s good and if anyone can save whatever the fuck she managed to do it would be him, “Seven kids popped up outside my house. Six of which have the exact same names as the kids from the umbrella academy or whatever. Klaus literally had a nightmare the other night where he screamed about ghosts. And don’t think I didn’t see you throw that pinecone at your sister last week. Y’all aren’t exactly subtle.”

as though it didn’t take ellie fucking forever to put two and two together tbh like she figured out about the powers way before she figured out about the umbrella academy thing. She went to town and saw a gossip magazine with a picture of them all wondering why they hadn’t been seen in public (as if reginald is going to admit to them running away) and ellie was like ‘holy shiT’ at the time

“You didn’t say anything.” Vanya says, shakily

Ellie just shrugs again, “Well I figured y’all would come clean when you felt comfortable enough to. I’m glad you’re trusting me with this.”

“You aren’t going to send us back?” Five asks what they’re all thinking, and he’s shaking like a leaf, blue sparking across his hands like he wants to jump away and is only held back by sheer willpower

“Fuck no,” Ellie snorts, then frowns, “I mean uh, heck no. Don’t swear, kids. But like, your dad was clearly a piece of shit and I wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire, let alone give him even a plant to take care of never mind seven kids.”

There’s a pause as they all digest that

“No powers in the house?” Ben confirms, because they’re all familiar with rules

“Like I said, breakable shit.” Ellie nods, “I trust y’all are being safe using them out in woods at least. Figuring out control is important, but I trust you guys to know what you’re doing. They’re your powers, after all. But - if you ever need me don’t hesitate to ask. I might be just an ordinary person, but I’ve got a trick or two up my sleeve.”

“You aren’t ordinary.” Vanya protests immediately, steel in her tone and by the way that all the others spines stiffen Ellie can figure she’s stepped on another landmine. There have been a couple, and Ellie keeps the ones she’s discovered written in a notebook in her room so she doesn’t forget (don’t jokingly put luther in charge, don’t turn off Klaus’s bedside lamp because he’s scared of the dark, don’t use the word rumor in any conversation ever, don’t mention the kids mother, telegraph her movements to five before touching him, and so on and so forth and now she can add ‘don’t use the word ordinary’ to the list as well), “You’re the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met.”

There’s another lull.

“What happens if we do use them? In the house?” Five asks, voice so very quiet that it’s almost lost as Kevin Bacon loudly says something to the Preacher on screen. 

and Ellie has to think about that, because she hasn’t really imposed any actual rules on the kids outside of like,, normal ones. Please be back before dark. Make sure everyone has something to eat, you can always go back for more if you’re still hungry. Pick up after yourself. The usual. And really, what can she do to punish a bunch of superpowered children, anyway?

So Ellie grins at them, “Then Clyde gets to sleep with me for the night.”

Immediately the tension is broken as the kids protest and cluster around to grab at Clyde dramatically. Clyde snorts awake but gives his tail some thumps at the attention even if he looks a little confused at why he’s receiving it. These days the little traitor sleeps with the kids who let him in their bed and cuddle him at night, all of them piled up on the mattresses that Ellie had thrown on the ground as they nest in the room that used to be her ‘office’ 

(she’s working on the extension to the house for them, but for now they have to share a bedroom. Not that they’ve complained about it, in face Ellie feels like she’s going to have to consult with them on what they want their sleeping arrangements to be in case they end up just wanting one giant bed to puppy pile on - which is fine for now but Ellie is pretty sure as they grow older they’re going to want their own spaces)

okay this got away from me i haven’t even looked at the second half of your ask

honestly if reginald did show up he’d knock on the door and Ellie would answer and then she’d squint at him when he demanded to see the children and would be like “oh hey it’s you ya motherfucker” and she’d be like “nope no kids here”

and reggie would point behind her to the family picture that ellie had taken a month ago that she loves because all the kids are smiling and laughing and ben is holding a frog and klaus is covered in mud and vanya has a leaf in her hair and luther’s pantlegs are soaking wet but it’s them and it’s wonderful and it’s her new favorite photo ever

and ellie looks him in the eye and deadpans, “haven’t gotten around to switching out the stock photo”

and reginald forces his way in and Ellie is maybe about two seconds away from fetching her wood chopping ax for Reasons and then the kids come back piling through the door loudly and raucously with laughs that die off when they see exactly who is in their living room, the front door still swinging open and Ellie looking coldly furious

even Clyde reads the mood and whines and there’s a loud growling grumble which absolutely does not come from Clyde but instead originates from the doorway leading deeper into the cabin where Marmalade/Orange Idiot stands with back arched as he bares his teeth at the intruder like the true guard cat he is

“Kids go to the other room.” Ellie says, and when they move to protest she puts her foot down with a “Now.” and a significant look because Vanya looks like a ghost all the blood has drained so fast from her face and Five is trembling and Klaus has tucked him and Ben behind Diego with wide frightened eyes and she knows the kids are going to eavesdrop but she wants them out of eyesight of their worst nightmare at the very least

Reginald is thankfully silent as the kids troop into the other room

“Clyde you go with them,” Ellie orders the dog, because those kids need as much comfort as they can get right not, and then she looks at the cat, “And Marm, you go too.” and hey her and Marm may not see eye to eye on most things but they both love the kids and Ellie feels like they have an understanding on the level of “if this ass goes into the room with the kids tear him a new asshole” and Marmalade sticks his tail in the air and hisses one more time at Reginald for good measure before trotting off as though he intended to exit the entire time

and Reginald says something about the kids returning and picking up their training pronto and Ellie just cuts him off

“Sir Asshat.” She says, ignoring the small gasp because her kids are not subtle, “I’m going to be straight with you - why the fuck do you think you’re walking out of here with any of those kids.”

and Reginald draws himself up and is like “They are my children. I made them what they are.”

“You traumatized a bunch of perfectly good kids is what you did.” Ellie says, “Look at them. They have anxiety. But that’s not what I’m getting at - though I don’t quite count buying them as being yours to begin with they’re children not furniture - but what I’m getting at is: how are you going to make them?”

and Reginald looks startled

“Those kids in there,” Ellie jabs a finger towards the wall, “Are extraordinary. And on top of that, they have powers the likes of which I’ve never seen before. And you think you, Mr. Hargreeves, are a match for them? If they decide to really go against you? You think you can force them to do anything they don’t want to do?”

She jabs a finger at Reginald’s chest, forcing him to take a step back. Because he came here thinking he had all the power, because he’s a powerful man and money talks. But not here it doesn’t. Not in Ellie’s grandmother’s cabin, in her neck of the woods, not when she has seven children behind her and the man who still gives them nightmares in front of her.

Ellie bares her teeth in what might generously be called a smile if it didn’t look too much like she wanted to tear Reginald’s throat out. “You are very lucky, Mr. Hargreeves. Because if I was in those kids shoes? There wouldn’t be anyone left to come looking for me, you know? You want that luck to hold, don’t you Mr. Hargreeves?”

“Are you threatening me?” Reginald demands, but looks unnerved. And he invaded her home, wants to take her kids away, wiped the smiles off of her kids faces and left them quiet and trembling and afraid just with one glance at them.

“No, sir.” Ellie tells him, “Just pointing out a truth is all. Now Mr. Hargreeves, I’ll even do you a favor and give you another truth for free. You see, you’re going to turn around and get the hell off of my property. You’re going to leave my kids alone, and never darken my doorstep again. You’re going to go back to your sad, miserable, lonely little life and you are never even going to think in the direction of my kids ever again. Do you understand?”

“I could have you arrested!” Reginald says severely, drawing himself up. 

Ellie crosses her arms and looks to the side, where all the kids are now hovering in the doorway and watching this clash between the two adults. “Kids,” Ellie says, mild as milk, “If I were arrested would you bust me out?”

“Yeah.” Luther says, and the fact that’s it’s Luther who answers and has his face set in stone as he turns towards Ellie as if Reginald isn’t in the room. And Ellie is so fucking proud of him it hurts, “Of course we would.”

Ellie nods, “So you see, Mr. Hargreeves, the thing about family is that if you mess with one you mess with all. And I don’t think you really want to mess with us.”

And Reginald turns sharply to the door, cane flashing in the light and Ellie can see the kids flinch back and is kind of regretting not just going straight for the wood ax or maybe one of the kitchen knives or hey maybe just using her fists and going to town she’s pretty sure she can take this pasty old man

and reginald leaves and maybe he vows to return and ellie calmly tells him that if he shows up again she’ll consider him a trespasser and deal with him accordingly

and then he drives off and ellie goes back inside and the kids huddle around her and she sweeps them into her arms and presses kisses on their heads and cheeks and wipes away Vanya’s tears with one hand as she presses Klaus’s sobbing face into her shoulder and she promises them that she’ll never let them go back to their father’s care no matter what

even if that means taking the kids and running

“But your grandmother’s cabin - ” Ben starts, swiping a hand over his own tearstained face as Ellie reaches out to him

“Nana would understand.” Ellie tells him simply, “She’s dead, you’re alive. You come first over any silly little cabin, you hear?”

and that night everyone piles into Ellie’s room instead of going to their own, pressing against one another in a tangle of limbs that Ellie already knows is going to have her waking in the middle of the night sweating like a don’t know what but she can’t bring herself to protest not even why clyde hops in and so does the demon cat who she will never admit she likes

“If he comes back I’m going to kill him.” Ellie says, thoughtful as the kids settle around her, “You kids would help me bury the body, right?”

“If we killed him, do you think we could go rescue Mom?” Diego asks quietly, and Ellie is suddenly turning in bed because the kids only mentioned their mother once and then shut down entirely any other time ellie asked

“We don’t have to wait, sweetheart.” Ellie says, all thoughtful and maybe just a little bit vengeful and petty, “Tell me about your mom in the morning?”

and the kids snuggle closer and nod

and okay later when Ellie finally meets Grace she can admit that she expected an older woman around Reginald’s age not this lovely young woman with her 60s style skirt and her smile and oh she’s a robot?? okay yeah that makes sense there’s no way this literal angel of perfection could possibly be a mortal to begin with

yeah ellie might be fucked