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insideoutstory · 5 years

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Inside Out → Chapter Twenty-Five

summary: Christmas 1983. All things change, some people too. But they all remember. word count: 3.5k warnings: Immaturity and fluff at its finest A/N: This is the final chapter of the first installment! Thank you everyone for reading and please, reblog or send me a message if you enjoyed!

[ masterlist ] [ FF.net ]

December 24, 1983

“Something is coming. Something angry. Hungry for your blood. It is almost here.”

Mike paused dramatically, making the boys around the table fidget in anticipation.

“What is it?” asked Will.

“It’s the thessalhydra,” said Dustin. “I’m telling you…”

“It’s not the thessalhydra,” Lucas dismissed.

“I’m telling you, it’s the thessalhydra!”

“THE THESSALHYRDA!” Mike slammed a figurine down onto the board, effectively ending the argument and sending a wave of groans around the table. “It roars in anger! Will, your action!”

“What should I do?” Will asked in a panic. “I don’t…”

“Fireball him!” Lucas insisted.

Everyone turned to Dustin for his opinion. He stroked his chin, then grinned in agreement. “Fireball the son of a bitch.”

Will grabbed the dice, shaking them fervently and then throwing them down onto the board. There was a split second of fear as they all counted. Then the basement erupted into screams once more.

“Fourteen!”

“Boom!”

“Direct hit!”

“Yes!”

“Will the Wise’s fireball hits the thessalhydra! It makes a painful—eeeryaaaaagh! And then, it crumbles to the ground! Its clawed hand reaches for you one last time and, and, and, and…”

Mike reeled around the room, staggering across the basement and falling to his knees. He trembled, one hand stretched toward his friends. And then his head collapsed to the table.

The way the boys screamed, it sounded like they were celebrating the damn moon landing. They jumped out of their chairs, arms thrust in the air, and began to circle the table with rhythmic chanting. Mike grinned, returning to his DM chair and referring to his notes.

“Lucas cuts off its seven heads, and Dustin places them into his bag of holding. You carry the heads out of the dungeon, victorious, and you present them to King Tristan. He thanks you for your bravery and service.”

The cheers stopped abruptly.

“Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah,” Dustin said, shaking his head. “That’s not it, is it?”

“No, there’s a medal ceremony…”

“Oh, a medal ceremony? What are you talking about?”

“Yeah, man,” Lucas butted in. “The campaign was way too short.”

“Yeah!” agreed Will.

“It was ten hours!” Mike cried.

“But it doesn’t make any sense!” Dustin argued.

“It makes sense!”

“Uh, no! What about the lost knight?”

“And those weird flowers in the cave!” added Will.

“And the proud princess!” added Lucas. “No way you wrote Christine in for a couple measly lines. Right, Chrissy?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lucas. I just came for the snacks.”

Christine was sitting on the couch, a book open in her lap. She’d been reading in the basement for most of the day, taking breaks to watch the boys and offer the occasional character voice. Even Nancy had come down to pitch in—a true Christmas miracle. The two of them had played cards on the floor until Steve showed up to join the Wheelers’ for a traditional viewing of It’s a Wonderful Life. It just proved how seriously he was taking his new title as “boyfriend.”

They’d invited Christine to join them, but she wasn’t that masochistic. Nancy had returned upstairs, and Christine had instead stepped into her role as the proud princess.

“I didn’t write Princess Pallantia for Christine,” Mike said in irritation. “She was side character to persuade Sir Lucas into going on the quest. It needed to be justified in the plot.”

“Wow,” Dustin snorted. “Lucas doing something just cause it’s Christine.”

“Just like real life,” Will giggled.

“Shut the hell up!”

A riot probably would have broken out had it not been for a sound at the top of the stairs. The door to the basement swung open, and a few seconds later, Jonathan peeked his head into the room.

“Geez, what’s that smell?” he asked. “Have you guys been playing games all day or just farting? Seriously, Christine, how do you even breathe down here?”

“Reluctantly,” she replied without looking up from the page.

“It’s probably Christine’s fault anyway,” scoffed Dustin, sweeping up his bag. “It never smells this bad, and she’s the only new one around here.”

“No way!” Christine said in protest. She jabbed a finger at Jonathan. “You know the rules. He who smelt it dealt it.”

“He who rhymed it supplied it,” Dustin shot back. “Or should I say she?”

The boys burst into giggles and applause, and Christine rolled her eyes. She grabbed her crutches from the end of the couch, and hoisted her bag up onto her shoulder.

“Fine. If you wanna be like that, guess I won’t tell you what Mike and I planned for Princess Pallantia.”

“CHRISTINE!” Mike screeched angrily, while the others nearly lost their minds. “I told you that was top secret information!”

“I knew it!” Dustin was screaming. “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!”

“We’re definitely gonna have to save her,” Lucas practically sang. “And when we do, I’m gonna roll for charismaaa!”

“I’m not gonna let you romance Pallantia,” Mike groaned.

“Yeah, that’s boring,” said Will. “I bet it’s something exciting! Like she’s really an assassin!”

“With what weapon?” Dustin laughed. “Acidic farts?”

“I’ll show you a damn weapon.”

Christine raised her crutch, and with practiced precision, knocked his hat off his head. The boys jeered and laughed, and Dustin tried to wrestle the crutch out of her hands. Christine hopped on her good leg and whacked him in the knees with the second crutch.

“Alright, enough!” Jonathan called over the clamor. He handed Dustin back his hat, and forced Christine’s weapon back to the ground. “You have been spending way too much time with them.”

“Yeah, well it’s them or you, so…”

Jonathan snorted, the jab rolling off his back. It was becoming the norm for them, trading half-hearted insults instead of having genuine conversations. They were still a far cry from being friends. Christine had yet to fully forgive Jonathan for the mysterious pictures. Even if she did, there was still the problem that she found him pretentious. At least the feeling was mutual. She didn’t need Nancy’s insight to know Jonathan thought she was petty and shallow with bad taste in guys. It was clear he didn’t like her very much. But as Nancy had pointed out, that put Christine in the vast majority.

Still, they’d been through enough in the last month to make being enemies impossible. Jonathan had saved her best friend’s life. Christine had risked her own to save his brother. They both spent too much time looking after middle schoolers, and had dangerous secrets they could never share with the rest of the world. So for now they were testing out the awkward line of acquaintances. They’d just have to take it from there.

“Ready to go?” Jonathan asked his brother, nodding toward the stairs.

“Yeah,” said Will. “Just a sec. We have to do the thing.”

“What thing?” Christine asked.

The boys ignored her, hurrying into a huddle so they could whisper to each other in private. Christine rolled her eyes, and went to share a commiserating look with Jonathan. But Jonathan wasn’t there. He was already jogging up the stairs.

“Hey!” she called after him, affronted. “Are you still driving us home?”

“Yeah! Just let me know when you’re done!”

Christine was about to yell that she was very much done, and didn’t need to wait on the boys. But Dustin had grabbed her by the arm, tugging her adamantly toward the table.

“Come on! Move it! Sit down, Christine!”

Her crutches were seized from her as she was forced down into a chair. Each one of the boys ignored her mounting protests. Mike and Will resumed their seats at the table, while Lucas ran to rummage in his backpack. Dustin took the liberty of clapping his hands over her eyes.

“Dustin, knock it off.” She tried to beat his arms away, but he just clamped his elbows over her ears and held on tight. “I’m serious, Dust! What’s going on?”

“Hold on! Jesus Christ, just be patient! DM, some atmosphere?”

Across the table, Mike started a drumroll. Will joined in, and a few seconds later there was a large thud in the middle of the table.

“Ta da!” Lucas sang.

Dustin removed his hands. Sitting in the middle of the table was a box, about the size of a loaf of bread. It was poorly wrapped, not with actual wrapping paper, but with drawing paper all taped together. It only took one look to guess that Will had taken the liberty of drawing the pictures, and someone had stuck a blue bow on top.

“What is this?”

“It’s a present,” Lucas laughed at her. “You’re supposed to open it.”

“You got me a present?”

Christine was still hesitant to reach for it, but Dustin had begun his own drumroll on her back.

“Open it, open it, open it, open it…”

“Alright! I’m going, I’m going…”

She grabbed the package, trying to be as gentle as she could with the paper. Her jaw dropped the moment the first piece fell away. She could already see the Radio Shack label, the Realistic brand name, the picture on the side of the box…

The boys giggled as she started moving faster, pushing away the rest of the drawings so she could get to opening the box.

It was a radio. A Realistic TRC-214 supercomm, just like the boys had. Three channel, squelch control, range-boost side panels. She was itching to get to the schematics, but she was still stuck staring at it.

“Oh my God, this—this is crazy,” she giggled, turning the walkie over in her hands. “This is gorgeous! Where did you get this?”

“We all chipped in,” said Mike. “If you’re gonna be part of the party, we need a way to communicate. You know, for emergencies.”

Christine beamed, and then froze. The reality setting in, she shook her head frantically.

“Wait, wait, wait…you four bought this for me?”

“Duh,” said Dustin, smacking her on the shoulder. “That’s why we had you open it. How dumb are you?”

“No. No way, guys.”

“Why not?” asked Will.

“Because this—this is way too expensive! I can’t take something like this from you guys! How much did this even…?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Lucas assured her, and she glared at him.

“Of course I’m going to worry about it! You’re all in middle school! Where did you even get this kind of cash?”

“Alright, so we may have had some financial assistance from your friends,” Dustin admitted. “But don’t go thanking Jonathan or Nancy or Steve Douchington for this. It was our idea.”

Christine bit her lip. She stared down at the radio, a battle of wills raging inside her chest. She wasn’t entirely comfortable accepting such a pricey gift from the party. The problem was, she wanted it. She really, really wanted it. It was a pretty grand gesture after all, and she didn’t want to seem rude by refusing. And if Nancy and Steve had chipped in…

Her fingers delicately circled the antenna.

“Are you sure?” she asked one last time.

Will smiled brightly. “Definitely.”

“Besides, none of us could use it anyway,” said Dustin. “It’s for rogue use only.”

“Rogue?”

“Yeah,” Mike confirmed. “It’s your D&D class.”

“No, I—I know what it is but…me? A rogue? Really?”

“Totally,” gushed Lucas. “It makes so much sense!”

“Like how you lied to Mr. Clarke on the phone,” Dustin supplied.

“Or how you found the other door to the Upside Down,” said Will.

“And you hid Eleven at your house without anyone finding her,” added Mike. “The bad men didn’t find her, or your neighbors, or the cops.”

“Your deception stats are off the charts,” Dustin said proudly.

“But you stay on that channel!” Mike warned. “We preset it for you. You can’t listen into our conversations or anything. This is a gesture of trust.”

“No, I get it,” Christine agreed, giving him a small salute. “Yes, sir, DM, sir.”

“So you’ll keep it?” Will asked, excitedly.

“Yeah,” she said, allowing herself to grin again. “I mean it’s insane, but…yeah. Thank you, guys. Seriously.”

“We love you Christiiine!” Dustin sang in the most obnoxious voice imaginable. The he proceeded to jump on her from behind, smothering her in a hug.

“Okay, knock it off.”

But Dustin’s hug was clearly meant to be as annoying as it felt. Lucas collided with her on her left, then Will from her right, all of them doing their best to strangle the life out of her while they laughed.

Mike was above showing such affection, even to be a pest. He rolled his eyes, and looked from the radio in her hands to the corner. Christine followed his eyes to the blanket fort, still set up in memoriam. If she had to guess, it had been a huge part of the reason they’d bought the walkie. If anyone was going to reach her besides Mike, it was Christine.

She fought off the rest of the boys and grabbed her crutches. She wouldn’t suffocate Mike with a hug, but she did ruffle his hair appreciatively. He slapped her hand away, but was hiding a smile.

“Alright,” she sighed, turning back to her bag. “Say your goodbyes. Someone still needs to help me up these stairs.”

Will carried her bag while Dustin carried her crutches, and Christine did her best to crawl her way up the staircase. They helped her wobble to her feet at the landing, and then they headed out together. They stopped in the kitchen to say goodbye to Mrs. Wheeler, busy making dessert for a family banquet the next night, then paused by the living room to wave goodbye to Nancy and Steve. They were cuddling on the couch in front of the TV. They probably would have gotten up if she’d asked, but Christine didn’t want to bother them. Pointing to the sleeping Mr. Wheeler as an excuse, she just waved and kept walking.

Jonathan was waiting for them by the front door. He was also carrying a small box, wrapped much more carefully than Christine’s had been. Christine hid a smile and averted her gaze.

They headed out to the car, Christine moving a little more slowly than the rest as she tried not to slip on the ice. She and Dustin slid into the back seat. He snapped at her as her crutches threatened to smack him in the face, mostly inadvertently this time, and Jonathan had to diffuse the argument again. But Will had other concerns.

“Can I open it?” he asked, pointing to the gift Jonathan had left on the center console.

“When we get home,” said Jonathan starting up the car.

“Please?” Will begged.

Jonathan exhaled, and caught Christine’s eye in the rearview mirror. She shrugged. “Hey, I’ve got mine already.”

“Yeah,” Dustin agreed. “I wanna see what it is!”

“Alright,” Jonathan sighed, nodding to the box. “Sure. Go ahead.”

Will grabbed for the gift, ripping off the paper much less delicately than Christine had. Inside was a small box, Pentax logo on the side, and picture of his new camera on the front.

The boys cooed over it, jabbering about all the cool pictures Jonathan would be able to take. Christine watched Jonathan carefully in his mirror for a reaction. He was shocked, mostly. But there was a definite smile on his face as he glanced between the box and the house.

He caught her eye in the mirror again, a questioning look in his eye. She raised her hands to feign innocence. She’d donated a few dollars to the cause, but had been sworn to secrecy. Personally, she wasn’t sure how she felt about gifting Jonathan a new camera. But Nancy would be glad to hear he liked the gift. Steve would probably be ecstatic. It’d been his idea, after all.

Jonathan dropped them off on Dover Avenue, he and Christine sharing a stunted goodbye while the boys happily wished each other a Merry Christmas. Dustin took Christine’s bag for her, and walked beside her up to her house. He waited until the Byers’ beat up car had pulled away from the curb to say anything.

“Are you gonna start dating Jonathan?”

Christine nearly choked. “What?”

“I was just wondering,” he said with a casual shrug. “Since Nancy’s dating Steve again, and you guys spend so much time with us.”

“Gross. I’d date you before I dated Jonathan.”

“Ew! That’s disgusting!”

“My point exactly.”

“Then why are things so weird with you guys?” Dustin asked. “It’s like you’re both pining and constipated.”

Christine sighed, fumbling with her house keys. She was not going to have this conversation with Dustin. She hated how insightful he was sometimes. Yes, she and Jonathan were dejected and pining. But not for each other.

“The only constipated one around here is you,” Christine shot, swinging her front door open. “Ask me about it again, and I’m not bringing you your Christmas gift.”

The threat wiped Dustin’s brain clear of any previous conversation.

“Is it Mario Bros?” he demanded. “Did you get me Mario Bros for the Atari?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t get you anything.”

She grinned and slammed the door in his face. She could still hear him cursing, and he banged a fist against the side of the house.

“Real mature, Christine! Merry Freaking Christmas!”

“Merry Freaking Christmas!” she called back. Laughing, she withdrew into the house.

To many, it would have looked like the Walcotts hadn’t finished decorating. Moving around for so many years, they hadn’t had the luxury of amassing a collection of ornaments and trinkets like some others. They had a basic tree with some obligatory baubles. Most of them were hanging lopsided, or were grouped unevenly, a side effect of her father being in charge of decorations while she was in her cast. They’d purchased one wreath for the door, hung the minimum amount of lights, and called it a day. Christine didn’t mind in the slightest. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to look at Christmas lights the same way again.

She crept carefully past the living room. Like Mr. Wheeler, her father had fallen asleep in front of the television. She’d wake him up in a couple minutes so he could go to bed. They had to be over at the Hendersons’ at nine o’clock tomorrow for Christmas breakfast, courtesy of Claudia, which meant getting up early to open their own presents first. But there was one thing Christine wanted to do before her dad woke up.

She snuck into the kitchen and popped two waffles into the toaster. While they cooked, she pulled out the box she had stashed in one of the cabinets under the counter. She’d already packed it, but she just wanted to double check. One pack of Pop-Tarts, one can of whipped cream, an apple and banana she was sure would go untouched, one pair of mittens and a card written out in her own loopy handwriting. Most of the note was dedicated to a simplistic explanation of what Christmas even was. Who knew if the scientists at the Lab had explained anything about Christmas or birthdays or any other holiday? She didn’t think she’d done a very good job describing it, but she supposed it was the thought that counted.

The waffles cooked through, she added them to the package and taped the box shut. She headed down the hallway and out into the backyard, where a light coating of snow was already beginning to dust the grass.

Christine carefully stepped down the steps and limped her way over to the tree line. She had to go several feet into the trees, making sure the package was out of sight. She laid it amongst the fallen branches, and placed a flat rock on top to keep it in place. Pulling a Sharpie out of her back pocket, she drew two straight lines on the rock.

A cold wind blew through the yard, and she quickly retreated inside. She knew the chances of Eleven finding the package were low. She was a smart girl, and if she was out there, she’d know not to return to any of the party. Most likely, the package would be torn apart by a raccoon, or become an early Christmas present for Mews if she was feeling adventurous enough to wander into the next yard. But putting something, anything, out there for her to call her home made Christine feel a little more at peace. It was the thought that counted.

She stared out the back door, and after several minutes of staring, finally flipped the switch for the porch light. It flickered. And then went out.

#ocappreciation #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things oc #fyeahstrangerthingsocs #chapters #chapter 25

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deadcactuswalking · 5 years

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: SEASON THREE (29th December 2019)

There are ten songs in this top 40 that are not Christmas songs. There are 30 holiday singles in one chart, for the first time ever. That is one quarter of the chart left that isn’t festive in some capacity. I know I said last week was the Christmas episode, Christmas chart, Christmas special, or whatever, but the post-Christmas week, the first week of the next year, in this case 2020 (The end-of-year chart will soon be released in full), will always include Christmas tracking and hence have more songs. Therefore, you could argue that last week’s #1 isn’t the true Christmas #1. I’d disagree because out of the two #1s, it is the only one that made an evident campaign for the spot, although the campaign for the second #1 is only not evident out of sheer falsity, so it really is an open question. Despite that, I’ll say that for the sake of REVIEWING THE CHARTS, “I Love Sausage Rolls” by LadBaby is the Christmas #1 for 2019. In an awful twist of fate, however, that song is now at #57. Not even LadBaby’s last #1 dropped that far on its second week. I apologise for the third season’s first episode being complete shambles, but the events kind of called for a switch of the format. We have one non-Christmas song in the top 10. It would be unwise to talk about the rest of the top 10 as it’s overwhelmingly more relevant to the Christmas section, hence I present to you 2019’s final edition of:

IT’S CHRISTMAS INNIT

Top 10 (9?)

The #1 is Ellie Goulding’s “River”, up 10 spaces, with its only festive justification other than its vague Wintry content being the fact that it’s #1 on Christmas. It’s her third #1 and first since 2015, and the last #1 of the decade – or the first #1 of the 2020s decade. You decide. Goulding’s Joni Mitchell cover was an Amazon exclusive existing purely to push UK sales for a cheap #1, as Goulding’s increasingly irrelevant music would not get to #1 that easily, especially a fluke Christmas single that I have never heard, and don’t care to. I wouldn’t like to believe this is the true #1 but unfortunately it is, narrowly beating Mariah Carey, who has been steadily at the top of the Billboard Hot 100 for three weeks now, as her more deserving classic, “All I Want for Christmas is You”, is at #2 after a six-spot boost. Why isn’t it #1 in the UK, you ask? Greedy record labels vying for worthless chart spots that mean frankly nothing other than to boost the visibility of irrelevant acts that they want to cling onto for dear life so they can get a check, that’s why. Sorry, I’m way too passionate about this, I’ll just move on. Um, “Last Christmas” by WHAM! is up two to #5, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl is up 10 to #4, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens is also up 10 to #6, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid is up 10 to #7, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John is up 10 to #8. Now for our second bloody Amazon exclusive, arguably the more egregious, “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” by John Legend, up 23 to #9. Seemingly this song was made for not only false chart points but also because of the novelty of John Legend covering a song by John Lennon. Well, I can’t find a reason to cover this song other than that, as making it an Amazon exclusive goes directly against Lennon’s thoughts on commercialism, and surely making a protest song about the Vietnam war meant to raise awareness about the destruction war causes to innocent civilians a cheap cash-grab would kind of soil the reputation of Mr. John Legend over here... and I don’t even like “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”. It’s a pretentious slog on its own and it certainly did not need a rendition from one of the duller R&B singers to come out of the 2000s. Curiously both Goulding and Legend have ties to Universal Music Group. Sigh, well at #10, we have “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard, up 19 spaces. That’s a better song.

Climbers

Let’s blast through this with no room for anger or dilly-dallying: “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé is up 13 to #11, “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande is up 15 to #13, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis is up 10 to #15, “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia is up 19 to #17, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Brenda Lee is up 14 to #18, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade is up 12 to #19, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson is up 12 to #21, and that’s all. That doesn’t sound like 30 Christmas songs at all, right? That’s just 16. Well...

Returning Entries & New Arrivals

These kind of blend together at Christmas; I’m never sure if the song already peaked years or decades ago, and I’m just none the wiser towards any of it, or it’s never gotten this high into the top 40 before. I had to check the Christmas specials for 2018-2019 to see what songs I’ve covered before. I actually found out I’ve already covered “Underneath the Tree”, so I didn’t actually need to talk about that one a week or two ago, but my opinion had changed so I think it’s time well spent. If I accidentally cover a song twice, I honestly don’t care, but here are the returning entries I’ve already talked about: “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney is back at #37, “Stay Another Day” by East 17 is at #35, “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love is at #33, “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby is at #31, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon, Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Boys Choir or something to that effect is at #28, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber is at #27, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams is at #25, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea is at #24 and “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry is at #22. I know I technically didn’t “review” that last song per se since it wasn’t on streaming services at the time but it’s utter plastic garbage so there’s no benefit in doing so. Here are the songs I do have to review.

#39 – “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” – Dean Martin

Produced by Lee Gillette – Peaked at #12 in Canada and #15 in the US

This really could have just been called “Let it Snow”, right? Regardless, this is actually one of my favourite more traditional Christmas songs, although this is still pretty recent, being a 1959 rendition of a song written by Sammy Cahn in 1945, simply because it was a heat wave in July that year so he teamed up with composer Jule Styne in Hollywood to make a song imagining, in fact almost begging, for colder weather. Despite how controversial Martin’s cover of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” has become, he really still is a talented singer who couldn’t get that song’s framing just right. Here, he seems more in his element and despite no reference to the holiday season, since it’s snow, people just kind of lump it in with more festive hits, especially on radio. I think I generally prefer this sweet, orchestral tint Martin’s producer gave to the composition, and the strings here sound really great, despite that vague drum beat not needing to be there, as it’s honestly quite stiff. I would have preferred this without much percussion at all actually. It’s less than two minutes, so it doesn’t overstay its welcome, which is one issue I have with Frank Sinatra’s decidedly un-Christmassy version, which just sounds really ugly to me today, with its squealing brass section and twee backing singers. The bridge is especially awkward. So, yeah, I prefer Martin’s version here, although I’d like to shout out Rod Stewart’s version as well while I’m on the topic. It was actually a pretty big adult contemporary hit in 2012. Go figure. It’s actually pretty sweet albeit simplistic and I don’t even like Rod Stewart, so check that one out too.

#34 – “Sleigh Ride” – The Ronettes

Produced by Phil Spector – Peaked at #17 in Hungary and #21 in the US

I swear I’ve covered this one before, but I couldn’t find it, so uh, I like the horse neighing. “Sleigh Ride” was also composed by Leroy Anderson during a heat wave in 1948, which is an interesting coincidence. The Ronettes sound okay, but the focus was never their voice. It was Phil Spector’s Wall of Sound production, as this appeared on his Christmas album. His production is maximalist and has a massive, vibrant, colourful sound to it... supposedly. I see it in some of his other work, but this song just sounds garbage. Everything feels concentrated to the centre of the mix and it renders as sludge to me, especially when the freaking strings come in. Does this have to be three minutes also? It’s just immensely boring and goes in one ear, out the other, unlike those second-degree murder convictions... you sick, sick man. Merry Christmas, everyone!

#32 – “Holly Jolly Christmas” – Michael Bublé

Nah, screw the production and chart info. I don’t care. It’s Michael Bublé, what do you expect me to say? It’s bland radio fluff white man capitalism whatever. Here are the lyrics to “Re-Rewind (The Crowd Say Bo Selecta)” by Artful Dodger and Craig David.

[Intro: Craig David]

Re-rewind

Enter, selecta

Ehh, yeah

Ehh, eh yeah

Ehh, yeah

Ehh

Enter, selecta

[Verse: Craig David]

Making moves, yeah, on the dance floor

Got our groove on dancing yeah, real hard core

From the front to the back that's where I was at

You know, you know, the Artful Dodger do it like that

With Craig David all over your (boing)

DJ it's all up to you

When the crowd go wild

Tell me, whatcha gonna do

[Chorus: Craig David]

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Bo Bo

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind

This goes out to all the DJ's

[Interlude]

Ehh, yeah

Ehh, eh yeah

Ehh, yeah

Ehh

Ehh, yeah

[Verse: Craig David]

Making moves, yeah, on the dance floor

Got our groove on dancing yeah, real hard core

From the front to the back that's where I was at

You know, you know, the Artful Dodger do it like that

With Craig David all over your (boing)

DJ it's all up to you

When the crowd go wild

Tell me, whatcha gonna do

[Chorus: Craig David]

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Bo Bo

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind

This goes out to all the DJ's

[Verse: Craig David]

Making moves, yeah, on the dance floor

Got our groove on dancing yeah, real hard core

From the front to the back that's where I was at

You know, you know, the Artful Dodger do it like that

With Craig David all over your (boing)

DJ it's all up to you

When the crowd go wild

Tell me, whatcha gonna do

Making moves, yeah, on the dance floor

Got our groove on dancing yeah, real hard core

From the front to the back that's where I was at

You know, you know, the Artful Dodger do it like that

With Craig David all over your (boing)

DJ it's all up to you

When the crowd go wild

Tell me, whatcha gonna do

[Chorus: Craig David]

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind (Ehh, eh yeah), Sel-lecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind (Ehh, eh yeah), Sel-lecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

Re-rewind (Ehh, eh yeah), Sel-lecta

Re-rewind, when the crowd say Bo Selecta

#30 –“Jingle Bell Rock” – Bobby Helms

Produced by Joe Beal and Jim Boothe – Peaked at #3 in the US and Latvia

I don’t know what to tell you guys, I really have next to nothing to say for these Christmas classics. They’re simple, catchy compositions with dated and/or cliché production but make up for it by just being infectious and jolly. This applies to nearly all of these Christmas songs. The whole genre is based on these fundamentals and it’s not like they often take a detour – well, that’s coming up. I’m just so excited to talk about the last song here, so I really have no patience for this or “Sleigh Ride” or “Holly Jolly Christmas”. I have no idea how the hell this peaked at #3 in Latvia. I guess that’s something vaguely interesting about this song. I mean, it’s tolerable but I feel no pressure to write an essay about it or anything.

#29 – “Christmas Lights” – Coldplay

Produced by Coldplay, Rik Simpson and Brian Eno – Peaked at #2 in Italy and the Netherlands, and #25 in the US

In December 2008, Chris Martin wrote “Christmas Lights”, and even performed a segment of the draft on live television. Little did he know, that in my opinion, he wrote the best Christmas song of all time! So what’s “Christmas Lights” about? Well, it paints a very vivid picture of an aggravated relationship that brutally shattered on Christmas Eve, mentioned to be one of many but the date making it especially saddening. You could see it as a family breaking up and having an argument on Christmas, which is an especially common happening; 68% of families have a row over the Christmas break. You could also see it as a simple break-up song that just happens to take place over late December, but really it can be construed as both; Chris Martin plays it vague enough to apply to different situations but doesn’t allow for any wishy-washy lyricism, with some poetic specifics that really resonate. The first verse has almost a semantic field of liquid, all of which are somewhat acidic and all of which are overwhelmingly dangerous: “flood”, “poison”, “blood”. The line “Got all kinds of poison in—poison in my blood” reveals the reliance on alcohol as well as the sheer vitriol our narrator has built up for this person during this break-up, although much like alcohol and much like poison, once you take it, it’s quick and you won’t feel anything the next morning, if you feel anything at all, but the long-term consequences will be dire. This is a lovely metaphor that is illustrated throughout the song, and our narrator’s drunken stupor is even represented in the stammering and messy, incorrect structure of his sentences. The second half of the first verse details our narrator’s solution: he can confound into the Christmas lights, which are artificial, neon decorations lacking any meaning but in his dazed and confused state, he will have to rely on the exceptional displays of Oxford Street, which is directly name-dropped in the song, to guide him to some kind of home, literally or figuratively. One narrative would be that he simply cannot see his way home, but the other would be that he finds warmth in the lights that register memories of nostalgia, so much so that he’s able to reminisce on perhaps better Christmas Eves of his youth. The refrain in the first half of the song isn’t exactly referring to global warming when Martin talks about the snow falling; rather, he could be referring to waiting for the lights to come on and the dust to settle, or for the tensions to rise or even fall. It doesn’t feel like Christmas without family, and those violent arguments are the snow. He’s waiting for them to either stop or just come to a climax as the pain leading up to it is unbearable.

In the second verse, our narrator mentions candles flickering and floating; it’s iconic Christian imagery that symbolises Jesus Christ finding light in darkness. It links our narrator’s story to religion but also stars and destiny, implying fate has led him to this dark path. He seems to disregard the candles, though, instead focusing on the chandelier of hope that he hangs onto, once again abandoning tradition for the artificial, commercialised “Christmas light”, which is fascinating but something I’ve never truly been able to piece together with the rest of the narrative here. Our narrator undermines his panicked cries for help as “like” a drunken Elvis impersonator singing out of tune about how he always loved a “darling”, but this story rings true – karaoke is a staple at Christmas, and he might have very well been an Elvis impersonator singing out of tune one Christmas evening, but he now finds himself yelling in a drunken state whilst desperately attempting to calm himself down by remembering a more fun, simple time. After one refrain, we have our song, and I figure I should talk about the actual music now. The instrumentation starts simple, with a piano melody that sounds sombre and flat, especially when Martin’s dejected delivery, full of despair and hopelessness, drowns out all remnants of the composition as he has a stronghold on the mix. The strings are still somewhat decipherable, amongst awkward, ticking percussion, but they’re barely audible at this point, so the nostalgia is gone... until that refrain, where the atmosphere rises with the strings picking up in intensity and we have our first drop, which still feels slightly restrained, until that second verse comes in, and the drums kick in to represent the stupor our narrator is in, as they’re almost hypnotising in their unchanging pattern. Martin sounds chaotic as well, with his uncontrolled falsetto singing what might quite literally be out of tune. In the second refrain, ugly, plastic guitar loops play and I would usually criticise this but if anything this shows the two sides of the “Christmas light” concept better than I can word it: sure, it’s perfect and convenient for mass audiences, but does it really mean anything? It’s also pushed back into the mix and sounds kind of like “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders, so I’m okay with it being there, especially since it assists the narrative. So we have our second drop and that’s the end; they swell gorgeously in a way I can only describe as perfect... perfect for a transition, as we are now entering the second half of “Christmas Lights”.

The “beat switch”, for lack of a better term, is mostly just an upbeat piano since the strings’ echo is slowly fading out, and it sounds like it’ll finish right there, but the moment when it doesn’t is pure catharsis. The second half of the song is much more anthemic in tone but the lyrics are even more desperate, reaching back to personal memories of the band, even mentioning where they formed: a mile away from Oxford Street, where the sea (River Thames) and city meet. This doesn’t take away from our narrative though, as the chorus is almost a prayer for these Christmas lights to strip him of all his worries, but it’s obvious from the start that his hope is dwindling, especially in the drunken panic state he’s still in. At this point, you can almost render our narrator delusional, especially due to the imagery being so mundane in modern British society. Everyone has Christmas lights, but his attachment is never fully explained, leaving an aura of mystery around our narrator, separating him from Chris Martin, and letting him become this figure that is relatable to most of the country over the Christmas break, which is supposed to be a time for joy, delight and most importantly, togetherness. That extra degree of separation isolates our narrator further, and in the second chorus, he says the oddest and least likely thing to happen: the Christmas lights bring her back to him. Who’s her? Well, we don’t know, but what we do know is that our narrator seems silly now, so we can’t take him seriously. The audience doesn’t exactly turn on the narrator, but we can take everything this drunken shell of a practically homeless man says with a pinch of salt now. He’s insane, or at least in a state that drains him of his mental capacity, and we’re forced to watch this man celebrate Christmas. It’s depressing, and he knows it’s depressing. In the final chorus, he takes a stance that is rather selfless, despite everything else we’ve come to believe about our narrator: he wishes “her” the same good will he wished the Christmas lights would bring him, and that his emotions are livened by the lights, in a great metaphor about bringing up the fireworks in him, almost as if he’s fit to burst... and he might have; “May all your troubles soon be gone” could represent the narrator, referred to here as her troubles, and our troubles at this point, being gone – dead, missing or just out of her life, whilst the lights just keep shining on, oblivious to this man’s delirious reliance on them for a guiding light. The composition here is just as sweet, with more actual rock instrumentation here that gives it a kick and a sense of stability, although the transitions between choruses are basically nonexistent, almost as if they’re another step towards his fate. The instrumental break is a short moment of realisation, and the chorus of “oh”’s, whilst acting as what is basically a millennial whoop, are the voices in his head coming to an agreement: to stop. The song ends abruptly after Chris Martin stops singing, with a dejected piano phrase stopping midway through and a loud, reverb-heavy thud. This is up to interpretation but I truly think that thud is the death of our narrator, falling to the floor, never to come back up.

This is a brilliantly-written song, and combined with the orchestration courtesy of freaking Brian Eno... This is Coldplay’s magnum opus, and an overall beautiful piece of music. It’s one of my favourite songs of all time, I’m so glad it charted, and Yellowcard’s cover misses the point entirely. Thank you for reading.

The Christmas Songs That Didn’t Make It

I am terrified by the creeping overflow of Christmas songs every year, and that I have to cover each and every one to some capacity, but since last year, there’s obviously been less to cover since I’ve talked about a lot of it already, and after 30 holiday songs, you’d think there’s no other songs that could possibly creep into the Top 40 and become part of the canon, right?

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“Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)” by the Darkness is at #42, “The Christmas Song (A Merry Christmas to You)” by Nat King Cole is at #51, “Somewhere Only We Know” by Lily Allen is at #52, “Like it’s Christmas” by the Jonas Brothers is at #53, “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano is at #54, “Santa Baby” by Eartha Kitt is at #55, “Stop the Cavalry” by Jona Lewie is at #56, “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders is at #61, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Perry Como and the Fontaine Sisters with Mitchell Ayres and His Orchestra is at #63 (Thank God I don’t have to review that mouthful), “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Frank Sinatra is at #65, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith is at #67, “Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley is at #68, “Man with the Bag” by Jessie J is at #70 (I’m assuming that’s a song about Santa), “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses is at #71, “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” by Bruce Springsteen is at #72, “All I Want (for Christmas)” by Liam Payne is at #73, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue is at #74 and that’s just all the songs in the top 75. There’s probably a bunch more in the other 25 spots. I’ll see these guys next year, I guess, although there is some hope as a couple more Christmas songs I covered last year (Or even just last month) couldn’t make it in 2020. These are “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson 5 at #46, “Mary’s Boy Child / Oh My Lord” by Boney M. at #47, the aforementioned “I Love Sausage Rolls” by LadBaby at #57, “Into the Unknown” by Idina Menzel and AURORA at #62 and “Lonely this Christmas” by Mud is at #69. Yes, I’m counting the Frozen II song as a Christmas single because firstly, if that song isn’t, what’s “Stay Another Day”? And secondly, if we’re going to strictly limit our musical festivities, the only true Christmas song here is by Boney M... because it’s a literal re-telling of Jesus’ birth, even though he wasn’t actually born on Christmas apparently, or at least there’s no direct reference to such event happening on December 25th in the Bible. I don’t think I’m going to dig myself a hole with that one. I don’t know if there will be a chart rule stopping 30 Christmas songs from entering next year, and I’m not sure if I actually want that to happen, but it’ll be interesting to see how the Official Charts Company reacts to this, if at all.

Dropouts

Oh, it was a bloodbath. I’m not going to go in numerical order but I will start by saying that the album bombs from last week fared pretty okay, Harry Styles less so than Stormzy of course, but regardless, “Lessons” by Stormzy is out off of the debut at #9, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles is out from #18 and “Falling” by Harry Styles is out off of the debut at #39. The rest of the songs from both albums mostly survived, in fact “Lights Up” returned to #48. Otherwise, “Bruises” by Lewis Capaldi is out from #15, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd is out from #20, “hot girl summer” by blackbear is out from #21, “Lose You to Love Me” by Selena Gomez is out from #22, “Falling” by Trevor Daniel is out from #26, “Lucid Dreams” by Juice WRLD is out off of the return from #27, “This is Real” by Jax Jones featuring Ella Henderson is out from #30, “Heartless” by the Weeknd is out from #35, “Don’t Rush” by Young T & Bugsey with Headie One is out from #37, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi is out from #38, and “Netflix & Chill” by Fredo is out from #40. I might as well note whilst in this section that there are now at least two versions of each of these four songs within the UK top 75 right now: “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” and “Santa Baby”, which is also sampled in “Santa Tell Me”. That factoid was pretty useless, but kind of interesting. I guess I get it now when rockists say they think all pop music sounds the same, because there are nine in the chart that literally are the same.

What Survived

What little of the UK Top 40 chart prior has remained is not exactly hard to guess. All of the biggest and most consistent songs streaming-wise have stayed, barely. “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi is down nine spots to #12, “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa is down 10 to #14, “ROXANNE” by Arizona Zervas is down nine to #16, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is down 10 to #20, “everything i wanted” by Billie Eilish also down 10 to #23 (I’m starting to notice a trend here), “Adore You” by Harry Styles is down 14 to #26, “Pump it Up” by Endor is down 13 to #36, and that’s all of the pop songs out of the way, because Stormzy has three songs on the chart still even in the true climax of Christmas music, which is kind of commendable. “Own It” featuring Ed Sheeran and Burna Boy is down three to number-five, making it the only non-holiday song in the top 10, “Audacity” featuring Headie One is down 22 off of the debut to #38 and finally “Vossi Bop” is returning at #40, for whatever reason. I’m not sure why or how but it’s here and it fills our quota for non-holiday songs. And now, I have mentioned all but two songs that are currently charting in the top 75, and for the sake of completion, “Memories” by Maroon 5 is at #60 and “My Oh My” by Camila Cabello featuring DaBaby is at #49. If you’re wondering how many total Christmas songs there are in the top 75, there are about 52. That’s 70%. I know that doesn’t seem too bad, but to put that into perspective, an album bomb is never allowed more than three songs at the same time. Surely Christmas songs are just as monotonous as an Ed Sheeran album, so why should they be under different regulation? I have a couple qualms relating to Christmas music, especially the charting of said music, but I’m nearly 2,300 words in and I haven’t even written the song reviews yet so I think I better shut up. I know this has been a long and somewhat messy episode, but I really had no option. Welcome to season three, everybody. Next week won’t be pretty, either, as all of those 52 songs will have completely and utterly disappeared.

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