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thisdreamplace · 3 years

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Hi, what would you (or a general person) think/feel/act like if they were happily employed with a major paycheck?

I'm asking coz i feel blockage when I try to imagine living in the state of this manifestation. Fears of being incompetent at interviews and unable to answer questions properly or rambling crop up when I try to even imagine having that amazing job

Worse, I mean not worse, coz ik circumstances shouldn't matter, thing is idk idek the specifics of the ideal company or ideal job post of my desire

Ik I want eg:

an exorbitant salary (financial independence), even tho I fear I won't be able to negotiate at all (I'm not exactly a bargainer)

a role of responsibility where i can learn from the higher ups while inspiring those below, with a level of autonomy

Work that's not tedious or repetitive

So on and so forth

Even tho I don't have much job xp (again, Im prolly invalidating myself here, coz the fact is, I've come to realise even if I win a Nobel Prize, I'll keep feeling I haven't done 'enough'), I do have amazing, hard-as-hell-to-get qualifications (and again... I feel I'm not enough like wth whyyy? ;_; I've met so many people who've got half of these qualifications yet they're more confident and can actually flaunt that while I feel, not like an imposter, but ig worthless when compared)

The worst is Ive always freaking felt it in my bones I'm worthy of a higher role than my current self can achieve (by current self I'm referring to the fact that I do have issues eg nightmare interviews in the past hovering over me, beliefs of being incompetent or unqualified or being unable to answer difficult questions (since I was a child, I've been told, disparagingly alas, that I'm only 'book smart' and could only ace studies by 'rote learning', which is untrue. In fact thanks to that, I actually developed a memory issue whereby I'm unable to memorize stuff easily (btw one of my secrets to academic success has been understanding concepts, mind mapping it all mentally, having a solid grip over foundations etc. Ok I digressed) anyhow, I really do feel unprepared to answer questions (in fact one of my fears is being asked an intrusive question (like hey, why are you eg so pimply? (Btw I'm not, this is just an example) in front of everyone and being at the center of attention in that way 😱) so yeah, I hope you can sense the myriad of beliefs holding me back (and sometimes I feel nauseated to even think of 'facing' these beliefs or fears. Like, it's as I wrote to u rn that I realised I fear looking incompetent, except this case is so severe coz I feel like it's worthless if it's not done perfectly (or as near perfect))

So how do I manifest here? Hell, my mind starts hurting if I assert: okay, let's at least prepare, no, at least LOOK at a job interview question

Ik the Law says I can assume anything and that'll work. So how do I assume I'm, y'know, a confident gal who does not have the aforementioned state of mind? Or how do I defuse the root issues linked to childhood/past stuff? Or better yet, what state should I focus on assuming/taking on? I have no idea how to start. And thanks to analysis paralysis (it took me years to acknowledge this even) I'll end up prolly doing nothing then another month will pass by with me doing nothing and then I'll type another frenzied ask

PS: yep, Im aware of the self concept topic, but I hope u can shed some light on this specific matter at hand, kinda customized?

😰

So to begin with, scratch everything and literally focus on your self-esteem and your concept of self. No, you don't need a good self esteem to manifest, but I'm really passed pretending like it should be optional. Every one of us deserves to feel good about ourselves, for ourselves. And you're holding yourself back so much by not allowing yourself to feel good about who you are. I mean, you list how accomplished you are and yet it's still not good enough for you?

It's confusing because if you felt in your bones you were worthy of something better, how can you sit there and but yourself down so easily? Your reality is giving you what you actually feel worthy of. And it's not what you desire.

You're the only one holding yourself in this story. You know the law says everything is happening now, meaning all desired experiences and versions of yourself are available to you now. You tap into them by using your imagination and dwelling there. So, stop sticking yourself to this story that doesn't help you. You feel unprepared because you keep saying so. You keep replaying this memory of things going badly, when in reality there's not even a past. You're the one keeping it alive by being so consumed by it and thinking it's so real. But see, the past only exists in your mind. It doesn't exist elsewhere. And just like with everything else in our mind, we have the power to decide what is and is not so.

Plus, the comparison game has got to come to an end. Everyone is you pushed out anyway. A win for one person, is a win for all. Who are you comparing yourself to, besides a reflection in the mirror? There's no point. The more you let go of the old way of thinking and allow yourself to remember more and more who you truly are, the easier it'll be to let go of wanting to compare yourself all the time. It's literally your reality. It's your world and everyone else is just living in it. Seriously. You're literally at the center of your world. You're at the heart of it all, there is no one else but self.

Self concept isn't something to push to the side. I notice a lot of people know about it and then go, "ehh but what else is there?" Like, I did the same thing. And that's why my journey was full of detours when I could have just went straight to my destination.

How do you do this? Well, you do have some idea of who you want to be. I mean, I'm guessing you want to be the opposite of every undesirable trait/experience you mentioned? So therefore, (if you want to write it down, please do), you need to decide the mindset you want to focus on manifesting within yourself. Let the outer world be for a bit, it's time to focus on you and only you. Here's an article that gives an example of how to get clear on the version of you that you want to embody.

And then once you get clear on that, really, the only task you have is to wake up everyday and thrive to focus on keeping that mindset. Sure you might slip up, sure some days you may not do well keeping it at all, but it doesn't matter. You keep persisting and it gets easier and becomes your new normal.

You see, I like how Dylan James says manifesting is not a trying process because it makes sense. For example, you didn't try to end up with the experiences you have surrounding career right now. However, you manifested it due to your concept of self. Change your conception of self and without trying, that perfect career you desire will find you. It can be that simple. But we have to allow it to be. Plus, you really only need to focus on yourself. You don't need to have a list that consists of your must-haves in a job, or anything. (Unless you truly like to make lists like that.) Because the truth is, our desires are from God. Therefore, we never need to worry about telling our Godself what we want. Our Godself already knows. So if you are unclear, you can trust you'll be lead exactly where you want to go. Being specific or being general makes no difference and it's okay to approach manifesting with either one. You'll always come out successful no matter what. But the change begins within. There is no one to change but self.

Hopefully this is helpful! You got this! 💖

#career

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cloudyfm · 4 years

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hi everyone it’s me<3 i’m actually ahead of the game for once with intros so .... ur welcome ig idk. anyways i’ve put a shortish bio, personality, n some stats under the cut muah. also yeah that is a catboy gif i thought it was fitting and no i will not be taking criticism at this time.

BIOGRAPHY:

- thank you for joining my tedtalk to talk about the resident tyler posey of this rp<33 yes he is an actor, yes he is cringey. we all have our flaws.

- he was born in los angeles to 2 legacy parents - they had money, influence, and basically could get anything they wanted within the city. they both were also already involved in the film/media industry but were never super in the spotlight - his mom was a young actress but stopped when elijah was born, his dad was a director and continued his career afterwards...sooo yah his family is known n talked about

- his parents also were like . not good people to put it plainly. they were great to him and caring but it was not a happy marriage and led to multiple affairs, money struggles between the two of them (not with him, it was more so that if his family wanted to get a divorce, etc etc) - he still doesn’t know any of this<333

- basically when he was around 7 years old, they kind of picked a career path for him and it was mostly to get him disconnected from the family if any of the behind the doors problems came out. they used their connections to basically ensure that he was able to start a career in film and television at a young age so he would be set and it’s not like he minded. he grew up around this stuff it’s kind of all he knew

- he was sent to live with his aunt and uncle after his parents set him up, thought it would be easier if he was entirely disconnected from the family and its name so they kind of just .... disappeared. they knew that if the affairs and money struggles and basically all the problems they had made it public it would make it impossible for him to disappear and focus on himself so they did it for him. he still doesn’t know why his parents sent him off so his aunt n uncle (both of which he is very close w and loves dearly<3) kind of just made up a lie saying his parents had an accident and because he was so young he never questioned or asked for details. like he thought this entire staying w them stuff would be temporary but nope !

- literally i am saying his parents risked their own careers and lives for him like i am telling u his family were not bad people he just does not know that they literally did this to him to avoid their own problems getting out into the public (aka blackmail 1)

- but yeah from there ... his career just kind of took off from the connections in the industry he was given. like no offense n i hate aye for saying this but yeah he probably started on barney KFNLKSNLKSDNKSDF u know like most kid actors do<33 and then as he got older like. im sorry he cannot play serious roles but he probably did films that were coming of age type stories that were geared towards teenagers and young adults (think love simon, booksmart, that gist). we are also assuming in this universe that ppl actually are the same age as the characters they play ... yeah .

- when he was 18 he was really stupid (blackmail 2) and slept with a casting director for a role because he knew that someone else would have gotten the job if he didn’t. it was reckless and stupid and it actually got him in trouble but only with his family. his aunt n uncle found out and basically told him that if he didn’t go to school n fix his shit then he would have to stop working completely. he didn’t have much of a choice in where to go to college considering his parents were legacies so he just did as he was told

- he literally doesn’t wanna be there like he is the embodiment of ‘ i will now be causing a problem ‘

- but yeah ............. that’s all i got for now may remember more later KLNDFLKSNLKDSF

PERSONALITY:

- i mean he has a sag sun/aries moon which u can read about here that should frankly say enough

- but has the extreme problem of not thinking about the consequences of his actions - literally lives day by day rather than thinking about the future or the past which can really cause problems with his relationships

- a glass half full type of guy<3

- he generally has a huge problem with not taking things seriously - like if a problem comes up he will take it as nothing or just assume it’s not as big as it is just because he literally doesn’t see the point in stressing about it

- he is literally a himbo

- like he may not be stupid academically but he just doesn’t care for school and only ended up going because he was forced to by his aunt and uncle. he IS however stupid in every other aspect of his life KLNDFKSNSDFKL whether it be friendships, relationships, whatever he has a severe commitment problem and will basically just stick with what he feels like is a good time in that moment

- however when he is loyal, he is LOYAL. if a friendship or bond becomes deep enough he will be in it for the long haul and considering his personality it’s not super hard for someone to reach that level - he’s not overly trusting but he just doesn’t read into people as much as he should

- will make a joke about everything so i am sorry in advance for that<3 he just loves to have fun he can’t help who he is<3333333

- he isn’t a huge partier ... i mean he will if there is one but it’s not like he’s prone to scandal after scandal he kind of just does what he wants and if he gets caught well then that is a problem huh

- more tbd but that’s it for now ig .....

STATISTICS:

- full name: elijah cho.

- nicknames: i mean eli is fine ... he literally doesn’t care.

- age: 22.

- date of birth: december 10, 1997.

- birthplace: los angeles, california, united states.

- current location: new haven, connecticut, united states.

- astrological sign: sagittarius sun/aries moon.

- gender: cis male.

- pronouns: he/him/his

height: 5′11″.

- sexuality: bisexual.

- religion: agnostic, raised catholic.

- piercings: helix on his left ear, he had a nose ring for a couple of months when he was 19 but it fell out while he was sleeping and closed up :\

- tattoos: literally has the dumbest tattoos like i don’t even have the energy to find pictures. like random things he got when bored. probably has a smiley face on his finger - stuff like that.

- haircolor: peachy blonde like this.

- misc: has a calico cat named chewie (she’s 3) - loves her with his entire life so ellie if u see this she may come to meetings<3

#this is not edited so literally if there are errors no there arent #thank u<3 #i forgot to put the full blackmail into this but its fine u can check the page .

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ofmargos · 5 years

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chicago’s very own margo rosas has been spotted on madison avenue driving a mercedes-AMG G65 , welcome ! your resemblance to camila mendes is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-third birthday bash . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re distrusting , but being passionate might help you . i think being a scorpio explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be lipstick stained kisses on mirrors , doing vocal warm-ups five minutes before top of show , popping bottles of bubbly to celebrate buying a new pair of shoes . ( my biological dad paid off my mom to keep my relation to him a secret ) & ( cis-female + she / her ) + ( lia , 20 , she / her , cst )

whAT is up my dudes ! i’m lia & i lowkey missed wealthy & writing for my bbygirl margo so i’m rlly excited to be here !!!! if you know her from before i’m sorry lmao i’ve tweaked her background a bit but everything else is p much the same ig ?? she’s fun , she’s a dumbitch , & she’s here to make things harder than they need to be probs . but if you wanna know more , i wrote a novel below so plz enjoy that . if you wanna plot then LIKE THIS & i’ll slide in your im’s.or if you prefer discord hmu @ 𝐛𝐛𝐧𝐨$𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐥#1904. i look forward to writing with y’all ! <3

S T A T S ↴

-- * FULL NAME : margaret lucia rosas -- NICKNAME(S) : margo ( preferred name , started introducing herself to people as “margo” back in like the 7th or 8th grade ??? who’s margaret ? we don’t know her ) , mar , mars -- * AGE : twenty-three -- * D.O.B : october 31 -- * ZODIAC : scorpio -- * GENDER : cis-female --* ORIENTATION : heterosexual heteroromantic -- * HEIGHT : 5′2″ -- * NATIONALITY : american -- * BIRTHPLACE : chicago , illinois -- * OCCUPATION : broadway performer -- * TRAITS : passionate , creative , dramatic , distrusting , outgoing , ambitious , fun-loving , loyal , daring , sarcastic , stubborn , overconfident , impulsive , hard-working , petty , secretive lowkey

B I O G R A P H Y ↴

( TW : BRIEF MENTIONS OF ABORTION, ALCOHOLISM, AND DRUG USE )

first things first , i’m just going to say it-- margo was an accident . and her story begins with her mother , stassia , who was born and raised on the wrong side of the tracks in chicago , illinois . although she was born into poverty , she had big aspirations for herself and wanted a better lifestyle . her ambition and work ethic were unmatched , and that’s how she managed to get into columbia university ( thank you scholariship $$ ). stassia was in the middle of struggling through her college years when she met her future baby daddy . he was older , going through grad school , and the sole heir to a billion-dollar company . the sparks between them flew instantly despite their differences and they messed around for the better part of a year before the unexpected happened . stassia found herself taking a pregnancy test in the bathroom in between finals ( #justcollegethings , amirite ) and swore she was going to pass out when she noticed the double lines . and let’s just say that her baby daddy did NOT take the news well . a lot of horrible things were said that day . too many hurt feelings for the relationship ( that apparently was never that serious to homeboy ) to carry on . ( TRIGGER WARNING !!! ) so he cut all ties with stassia-- but not before giving her a crazy proposition : get an abortion and never talk to him again OR keep the baby but tell absolutely no one it’s his and never talk to him again . they both seemed like shitty options to stassia , who was actually tragically in love w him , but when he even offered to PAY HER a hefty sum ( i’m talking millions of dollars ) to keep the secret .. well-- it seemed like a blessing in disguise . she’d finally have the funds to live the life she always wanted . even if there was now a baby she didn’t plan for in the mix . so she took the hush money , had the baby in secret , and ran off to completely reinvented herself . ( TRIGGER WARNING END )

although margo’s mother was born into poverty , margo certainly was not . by the time she was born , margo’s mom was ramping up to graduate college and join the high society in the heart of chicago . she got a good job , a lavish place to live , and never told margo about her past . margo grew up completely disconnected from her mother’s side of the family and had no idea of the lies she was being fed over the years . early on in margo’s childhood , her mother met a man through work who she would later go on to marry . that man is the only dad that margo has ever known . he and his daughter were a welcomed addition to their little family , making margo’s home life feel complete in some way . she was provided a good life with the dual income adding to the millions her mother kept . the life her mother always wished she had growing up . in a way , everything she did was for margo . she never wanted her babygirl to struggle like she had to .

as she got older , margo went to all the best schools but only made average grades . she was never too concerned with academics and instead focused on her poppin’ social life and extracurriculars . during her middle school days , she developed an affinity for the performing arts . when everyone had to pick an elective , margo found herself in the theatre class and absolutely loving it . and she was good too . she had excellent stage presence and took every role she got in school productions in stride -- literally the best tree number 3 you’ve ever seen in your life . as she moved on to high school , she rose in the ranks of the theatre department until she was pretty much landing every single lead by the time she was an upperclassmen . acting was her passion , and she figured why not turn being dramatic and talking a lot ( her two most notable personality traits ) into a career . to really hone the craft , she trained herself to be a triple threat : actor , singer , and dancer ( sutton foster , eat your heart out ) . honestly truly had rachel berry in early seasons of glee vibes-- she knew she was the best around and wouldn’t stand to let anyone take the spotlight from her . her peers hated to love her talents because she acted like such a bitch to them offstage / out of character . not that margo really cared for what others thought of her anyway . self absorbed as ever , she told herself she didn’t need friends and generally pushed away any one that dared try to get close to her-- save for her sister . though somehow , someway she managed to get sucked into a small group of friends that would change her for the better ( s/o to ky and gio , sorry they had to put up w bitchy hs margo , rip )

after graduating somewhere in the middle of her class , margo followed in her mother’s footsteps and went to columbia university . she was really only able to get in because she was a legacy and her parents made a considerable donation to the school , but we don’t talk about it . and to say that margo’s college years were transformative feels like an understatement . on one hand , they were some of the best years of her life : she got a true taste of independence , met some of her best friends ( s/o oliver and claudia ), and felt fulfilled to be in the city she had romanticized for so long-- new york baby ! but it was also a very low point for her . back in her high school years , she felt like a very big fish in a teeny tiny pond . she was hot shit , the top dog in her department , and all her hard work and effort to remain leading lady had paid off . however , at columbia she was just one in hundreds of talented people . some with more or less talent , or more or less connections , but they deserved a shot at fame just as much as she did . margo felt like she was fighting for her chance in the spotlight every single day and it was both parts exhausting and humbling for her . she had a amy march mentality “i want to be great, or nothing” and considered throwing in the towel . temporarily thrown off by the pressure to be successful , she took a small tumble from grace . ( TRIGGER WARNING !!! ) turning towards alcohol was her coping mechanism of choice . losing herself in the party scene and surrounding herself with other people that prioritized getting drunk or high over going to class and getting good grades had an obvious effect on her academic performance . ( END TRIGGER WARNING ) she almost lost her place in the BFA Theatre Program during her junior year due being on academic probation . it took a little bit of intervention on her close friends and family part to get margo clean and pull herself together . but by her senior year , she got back on track to graduate on time and participated in various shows at local theaters to build her resume . after almost losing everything she had ever worked for , a fire was lit under margo that had her determined to push herself hard than ever before and make a name for herself in the theatre world .

after she graduated from columbia she moved to new york permanently so that she could fully submerge herself in her work . not long after graduating , she was lucky enough to book several gigs including her big breakout role as lydia in beetlejuice the musical ! it really skyrocketed her into broadway stardom which is cool . a life long dream that once seemed unobtainable was suddenly a reality and she couldn’t have been more elated . with her sudden ( and well deserved ) success , she got a lot of media attention . soon she was getting verified on twitter , instagram , gaining a whole bunch of followers , and getting asked to be on talkshows and stuff to promote the show . honestly , truly a dream ! but her new-found fame gained the attention of another group of people .. her mom’s long lost family . one of her aunt’s ( that she previously didn’t know existed ) reached out to her through social media . and at first , margo honestly couldn’t believe that she had family that her mom never told her about . but after some thought it sort of made sense . in hindsight , her mom had always been evasive whenever margo asked about the other’s childhood or her side of the family .

when margo told her mom about her aunt reaching out and how she wanted to meet her , her mom shut it down quick . stassia told her there were a lot of reasons that she didn’t talk to that side of the family and that was that-- PERIODT . but margo was #rebellious and went to meet with her aunt anyway . and that’s how she found out about her brazilian roots and her big ol’ loving and supportive extended family . that whole experience made margo reconsider what other things her mom was keeping from her . and boy oh boy was that a rabbit hole she shouldn’t have gone down . when margo started to demand her mother tell her the truth , it caused their relationship to grow tense . stassia eventually cracked and told her about her bio-dad and all the things she went through for margo . with the truth finally being exposed to her , margo started seeing things in a new light . like her whole life is kinda a lie and why didn’t her father want her ? where was he ? does he know who she is ? why did he never try to contact her ? has she ever walked past him in the streets and never knew ? it was all too much for her to think about so she just kinda ... shut it all out . she acted like nothing was different , even if her “ what if ” thoughts keep her up most nights .

if you just ignore the abandonment issues , insecurities , and her inability to handle emotions and focus solely on her success in material terms : margo’s doing really well ! she’s been living in new york full time for two (2) years now . she’s one of broadway’s most popular rising stars . having completed her run as the original lydia deetz on broadway , she’s moved on to take on the mantel of janis in mean girls on broadway . she’s learning , growing , and thriving . just trying to have a good time all the time with her friends and live the dream , baby !

P E R S O N A L I T Y & F U N F A C T S ↴

margo is super fun-loving and down to clown

will try anything once and it’s gotten her in trouble more times than she can count

also cannot stand to be bored , so she’s always looking for the next big adventure

although she can be really ridiculous sometimes , she’s very serious when it comes to her work . she’s super hard-working and doesn’t let anything or anyone stand in the way of achieving her dreams : even herself

margo’s a very sociable girl and will talk to anyone and everyone . she’s the type that will hold a conversation for 2hrs with a stranger at a party and then when you ask her “who was that” she’s like “i don’t remember their name but i do know their entire life story so that’s cool”

has a way of making people feel like they know her really well when really she’s only letting them see 1/8th of her

keeps her personal life private normally unless you’re super good friends w her

i wouldn’t recommend pissing her off , bc she is petty as a mf and will lit rally never forget how one’s wronged her . this causes her to start fights sometimes . she’ll just bring up old shit out of no where and , since she’s nosy af , she makes everything her business and confronts people on their bs

she’s a whole liar bc she claims she’s a “retired party girl” but really party girl margo has never stopped , will never stop , can never be stopped

studied theatre in college but minored in mass communications just in case she needed a backup job

is v bad at being an adult !!!! like ... can’t cook , often forgets about her responsibilities until the last minute or needs to be reminded like 20 times , stills calls her parents to be like “how do u use a washing machine plz help” , y’know the drill . yet somehow she manages to act as a mom friend to the people that are closest to her ??? v much a “do as i say not as i do” type of hypocrite lol

she has a tiktok and posts dumb shit on there all the time w her friends and like vlogs her backstage experiences in the theater and does the stupid dances and all that stuff hehe

is learning portuguese after meeting the brazilian side of her family

self-proclaimed dancing queen and it’s not because she learned ballet , jazz , and tap whole dabbling in other styles but because when she’s drunk you will in fact catch her dancing on tables !!!!!

i cannot stress enough how bad she is at dealing with her own feelings . like ... instead of dealing with them head on she just ... shuts down . runs away . will ghost on someone she really likes just bc she’d rather leave first than get left and i hate her for it

have i mentioned how big her ego is ???? pHEW . she rides a v fine line between self confident and OVER confident . but tbh it’s just a cover up for how much she rlly hates herself , there i said it

loyalty is EVERYTHING to margo . if you got her back , she’s got your back . but if you screw her over or mess with anyone she loves then she’ll likely try to make your life a living hell IM SORRY

undiagnosed insomniac . nights she spends alone in her own bed are the hardest for her because it’s when all the bad scary thoughts creep up on her and no matter how much she wants to shut them out and just close her eyes and fall to sleep , she can’t . so she’ll often roam the city looking for a distraction or hit up her friends and bother them for some spare company

she’s doesn’t like to be alone ( not like in a romantic relationship sense -- she actually likes being single bc she’s afraid of letting ppl get close enough to hurt her ). hence why she’s always had a roommate even after she moved out of her parent’s house . if she’s not attached to her roommate / best friend kylie’s hip then she’s definitely hitting up her sister or her other friends to see if they want to hang out , even if hanging out is laying around doing nothing or running errands together . margo wants to tag along just for the company

notoriously known for coming up with terrible ideas or following through with other people’s terrible ideas without question bc #YOLO

she’s her pr agents worse nightmare simply bc she has no filter and will not change herself or what she posts just bc she has a big audience ( follow margo on social media and you’re gonna see the good , the bad , and the ugly she does not give a FUCK )

always has good intentions ! her execution / way of showing those intentions is just poor !

she is a rich girl that could not survive not being rich and doesn’t even realize how spoiled she is . spends money like it’s nothing

a mob boss ( this is a joke but also kinda not a joke )

WANTED CONNECTION PAGES HERE

#can y'all tell i hate writing bios ????#this whole thing is a JOKE but i tried lol #plz plot with my baby i will love u forever #THIS IS LONG BUT I'M GLAD IT'S FINISHED OMG #wealthyhq:intro #abortion tw #alcohol tw #drug tw

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namisashimi · 7 years

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The Gamer Youth from the Turn of the Century - Baolan

source. profile by danneergou (丹尼二狗) for pentaq.

translator. this needs a little context - baolan is the former name of ig’s support, megan. i started translating this article when it first came out in january 2017 but got too busy to finish it. i think i’ve jokingly referred to it a few times as the ‘baolan manifesto’ since it’s so long and dense (and no one cares about him). since he’s been doing very well in playoffs, i thought i’d pick it up again since it’s a truly fascinating look at both him personally and the path new players take to the lpl.

Now, you can call him by a new name: Megan.

Ask anyone – playing botlane for IG is not an easy task, especially in 2016. That year, IG's botlane often changed: Rain, Kitties, Marge, Ben – even their starting midlaner Rookie was forced into playing ADC for a game. 'Finding a strong, reliable, promising botlane pair' is the conundrum IG's manager Su Xiaoluo has spent the spring and summer splits bitterly trying to solve.

At NEST at the year's end, IG allowed their fans hope for an answer – their 'Baolan + Jackeylove' botlane successfully helped their team defeat LGD and win the championship. Of these two, Jackeylove had long made his name as 'China's Best Draven' and 'High Elo KR SoloQ Player,' while the support Baolan was a new player who was born in 1999, only just jumped from TGA to LPL, and had barely played 10 matches in 2016.

On January 6th, we met this true newcomer in the IG team house. This unhappy rainy day, Baolan accepted our interview while on his bed, dressed in his IG uniform and wrapped in blankets. Perhaps because he'd never had this kind of one-on-one chat with a stranger before, Baolan spent most of his time with his head lowered, almost talking to himself. If we reached a subject he found interesting, he would show it with a simple smile or by speaking slightly louder.

An eighteen-year-old boy's story cannot be too complicated, and Baolan is no exception. He dropped out of school to play professionally, struggled bitterly in the TGA, seized the opportunity to come to the LPL, and in the even more furious competition desperately adapted to finally achieve his dreams.

'Dreams are that which can always excite you,' Baolan said to this journalist.

It sounded like his answer was describing a process, rather than a tangible result.

a childhood without worry.

Seventeen years ago, Baolan was born in Yingtan. This place is so tiny that without an detailed description, you wouldn't even know it's in Jiangxi Province. Before boarding that plane to Tianjin and embarking on the first step on his professional journey, Baolan lived, grew up, and spent his childhood here, as carefree as any other child.

'The air was very good there.' Baolan's description of Yingtan was minimalistic. Compared to the busy major city – Shanghai – now surrounding him, 'air quality' was the only exceptional trait he could bring up about his hometown.

Normally, there are two requirements for a glowing childhood: good grades and sensible parents. And it was just Baolan's luck that he lacked neither – in elementary school he always had exceptional grades, to the point where he didn't even have to do his homework to be the teacher's favorite and was always the center of attention among his peers; as for the other, he had the kind of mother almost every youth would wish to have.

This mother allowed her son to play games in netcafes in elementary school, and she even took on the responsibility of transporting him and his friends there. Her reasoning for this was exceedingly straightforward: 'Because his grades were good, I thought it wasn't an issue. If he wanted to play he could.' These words of course showed the love a mother has for a son, but also showed the progressiveness born of long years of business experience.

Under these circumstances, Baolan advanced smoothly into middle school. But the talent and intelligence he once had was not enough for the increasingly complex classes, and more importantly, he still didn't do his homework. His grades slipped, turning his childhood from 'glowing' to 'ordinary' and his good fortune to disaster.

'I was done.' Saying this, the expression on Baolan's face was like that of a toplaner who had just eked out a 10cs lead over his opponent before dying to a sudden gank and being forced to watch a wave of minions die to his tower.

Because of his grades and attitude towards learning, Baolan was exiled by his middle school teacher to the back row of class, like falling from the technologically advanced Piltover to the slums of Zaun. Suddenly, he realized he was between a rock and a hard place – on one hand, from Baolan's perspective, being in the last row was 'bad;' on the other hand, the frustration he had learning made it hard to muster the enthusiasm to regain his glory, and besides, he was starting to develop some nearsightedness and even seeing the blackboard from the back of the class was a hard task.

'I didn't want to be that kind of person, but I was at the back of the class. So I didn't interact much with either the good or the bad circles in class. It was very lonely.'

Most of the time, Baolan only spoke with his tablemate, and he wouldn't talk about games. Just like his distaste for the 'last row of class,' he thought games were a 'bad element' and not something students should talk about.

You could imagine that if Baolan's parents didn't have such a practical and effective discipline style – then having gone from 'genius' to 'loner,' he would have faced resentful scolding from his parents for failing to meet expectations. Luckily, his mother once again showed her consistently lenient and noble-minded ideas: 'If he's not good academically, then he should try something else.'

Baolan begin to search for a new path: go, piano, guitar, art … even the hulusi (t/n: a niche chinese instrument). Saying this, he mimicked a rather proper playing posture.

'My mother often said I needed to learn things. I tried practically everything, but I couldn't find a passion for any of it. When I saw something fun, I'd be briefly very enthusiastic and really want to learn it, but after a while I'd find it boring and give it up.' This persisted until he encountered League of Legends – the first thing that could make Baolan settle down and study it at length.

'At the time, only League of Legends could make me not give up halfway, and it had a very high skill ceiling.'

the abyss of the tga.

It's hard to imagine, but even though Baolan has already become a professional player, he still doesn't think playing video games counts as a proper career. When he goes home for the new year, he'll rarely bring up what he's currently doing to his relatives. In the beginning, he walked into this world simply to mediate his own loneliness.

When he first encountered League of Legends, Baolan would play every day, watch videos, and while losing think to himself, 'I shouldn't have played that so poorly.' At the time the ladder was ranked by MMR. 1200 points was the default; if you won you gained points and if you lost you lost points. At his lowest point, Baolan dropped to 800 points. 'Should've been bronze, that rank.'

When he thought he had stagnated, Baolan was suddenly re-inspired after watching highlights of the Korean support Madlife; this also decided which role he would main. 2012 happened to be the year Madlife first showed himself. This support's boundless genius led him to be called 'M-God' and his team MiG to be nicknamed 'Madlife is God.' After finding his first League of Legends idol, Baolan tried support and found his game ability increased immensely: even when winning a game would only give him 3LP, he went from Platinum V to Diamond V in a week, then reached Diamond I in another week, and finally Challenger.

'I didn't know then that you could decay from Challenger. I was so happy when I reached Challenger, but after seven days, I discovered I'd dropped back to Masters.' After that, Baolan left the Bandle City server for the first server, Ionia. At the same time, his sudden improvement showed Baolan an opportunity, and he decided to leave school, try a new path, and expand his horizons.

There are many ways to become a professional player, and the most 'straight-forward and easy' one is to join a TGA team and play with them in TGA (now known as City of Heroes), and go step-by-step to higher and higher levels of play: LSPL, LPL, Worlds. Of course, this requires you to have enough skill and luck.

In 2014, Snake fought their way from TGA to LSPL, then from LSPL entered the LPL. In 2016, IM promoted from LSPL to LPL, then from LPL made it to Worlds. This kind of 'success in many short hops' miracle seemed to be happening every day, but these 'good things' weren't guaranteed to happen to you. Survival bias tells us the 'dead' say nothing.

For the teams that participated in TGA, this is even more true. Every round of TGA includes more than thirty teams from all parts of the country; only two of them can join the LSPL. The high probability of elimination and the clustered matches made the TGA competition very cruel: perhaps some team would have just defeated a strong enemy, but within half a day, they'd have to face their own elimination from the tournament. For those who hoped to go pro, TGA was like a boundlessly deep sea they were trying to find a treasure in. It was just that difficult.

Of course, the inexperienced Baolan never considered this, and he quickly came to a decision. Thus, that mother who once brought her son to the net cafe to play games now sat with him on a plane from Jiangnan to Tianjin, where he joined a local team for a 3000 RMB salary.

What Baolan didn't expect was that just as quickly as his first professional journey began, it ended. For a few special reasons, the team Baolan joined in Tianjin disbanded quickly. Baolan didn't even have a chance to play in a proper match. Of Tianjin and that team, his only impression was being in a small house, unceasingly, unceasingly playing soloq.

That is the truth of many TGA teams: an owner with too much money to spend, players with only dreams and no skill, an organization that's only in it for fun, and an endless series of sorrows and joys, meetings and partings.

Afterwards, Baolan met Zoom. At the time, he was a part of a Ningbo team called BOE. Zoom took care of Baolan like a big brother and Baolan listened to everything he said. Afterwards, they also met Gear – a young man who had chased his dreams from Hong Kong to the mainland. The three quickly became friends so good you could say they 'wore the same pants.'

baolan's former 'big brother' - zoom.

'At the time, we thought the three of us could definitely get into the first division,' Baolan said very emphatically. But in actuality, Baolan didn't even have the chance to start on BOE, because 'that person (the starter) had a higher soloq rank than I did.'

Although the team's overall skill wasn't bad and it had his good friends, being entirely unable to play made Baolan anxious. At first, he thought, 'Doesn't matter, as long as I play well, I'll have the opportunity to start,' but the end result was: he, who had not played a single game with BOE, chose to leave, leaving Zoom and Gear behind, for a team that would let him play – a Hangzhou team, not too far from Ningbo, called MSC.

'From when I started with him (Zoom), I was always a sub, up until I left him and played a starting role for another team.' This departure was almost a means to 'prove himself.' In a team, players with close relationships are often very competitive, and by taking a starting position, Baolan hoped his own performance would tell his good friends Zoom and Gear: he, too, had the abilities of a starter.

the midlaner from hong kong - gear.

Instead, reality gave Baolan a vicious slap to the face. In that year's City of Heroes province-level competition, Hangzhou MSC encountered Ningbo BOE; Baolan met Zoom and Gear as opponents. In that match, toplaner Zoom played Darius, midlaner Gear played Lissandra, and they practically abused Baolan and his team 2v5. In that game, Zoom's Darius scored a pentakill.

After the game, MSC lost their chance to advance, and Baolan's spirits were low to the point where he didn't even say hello to his former teammates. 'After losing the game, I directly went back. That day it was raining, rain is the most tragic thing.' As he said this, a thin drizzle still fell outside the window.

Prepared to do whatever he could, Baolan circled back and forth in TGA for two years. In these two years, he went to Anhui, to Tianjin, to Hangzhou, to Ningbo. Every half year, he'd play in TGA; every half year, he'd lose.

But to him, no loss had as much of an impact on him as this one. Finally, after changing to yet another TGA team, Baolan couldn't take it any more. He stood in front of his boss and very steadfastly pronounced his feelings that he 'absolutely could not play any more TGA.'

After failing in the groups again, he hoped he could be recommended into the LPL. If he didn't have enough qualifications for that, LSPL would do.

'In all my years of playing TGA, every time I lost the boss would tell me: 'You're still young, you have to play TGA, practice harder, learn more.' Their words surely had some use for me, but I still felt...' Baolan stopped here. After a few moments of silence, he started talking to himself: 'Ah, there's not much to say. If I hadn't played so many years of TGA, perhaps I wouldn't be able to play in the LPL.'

Faced with the two years of his TGA career, it's hard for Baolan to not sink into this kind of ambivalent thinking. The unreliability of TGA and the difficulty of performing well always made it hard for him to find his confidence, but at the same time, he couldn't deny that those two years of chaotic fighting had helped him grow. Furthermore, he simply didn't want to look back on those years; his departure had an air of 'fleeing in panic' to it, because he 'just never wanted to experience again that feeling, that feeling of loss, that feeling that came every half year, that feeling of gambling.' Here, he used three descriptors in a row.

Luckily, he came to the LPL. Looking at how things have been going, everything is still okay.

the stress of the lpl.

LPL is the top-tier circuit in China. This place has the greatest exposure, the craziest fans, and the highest level of play; this place is every Chinese player's dream. For Baolan, who came from city-level competitions, being able to enter the LPL is very lucky. At the same time, he still missed how on the TGA stage, both sides' players would crazily yell 'Nice!'

In June 2016, at the beginning of the summer split, Baolan came to IG. Su Xiaoluo introduced him thus to the team's coach: 'This kid is not bad.' Because he wasn't old enough to participate in the LPL, Baolan was placed in IG's youth training team to practice and improve. At the time, IG's botlane issues were becoming increasingly serious. When Chris talked about that iteration of IG, he said that the Korean soloq king Rain was playing unreliably because there had been some problems in his family, and at the same time Kitties, who had been IG for a long time, was equally unreliable. To resolve that problem, Chris called in Tabe, hoping the competition would let Kitties return to form, but the final results were not exactly ideal. The roster changes and Tabe's inclusion caused the entire team to go through a trial-and-error phase, and they faced a lot of negative public opinion.

To IG, Baolan represented possibility; to Baolan, IG was his only chance. Before coming here, he had already thoroughly analyzed every LPL support.

'For some teams, I just didn't have a chance. VG's Caveman was a new player, and he wasn't too bad. There wasn't a chance EDG would lose Meiko, and LGD's Pyl had played with them for a long time.' Baolan used the most simple terms to approximate the chances he'd be able to start. In the end, IG was the choice where he had the 'highest chance of playing.'

For a young man who hadn't even hit 20, this kind of thought process was a little rigid. But it could undeniably find the best opportunity for a player to seize his already limited chances, and no matter what, it was very practical.

'Wherever I go, I give myself an objective. When I was in the TGA, I thought one TGA support was very good, so I would follow his soloq summoner name and check it every day to see how he'd climbed. When I went to MF's secondary team, I made the first team's support my objective. Every time I woke up and saw him, and I'd be motivated enough to play a whole day of ranked; then I'd go to bed very tired. For a while, I thought Tang Chi Sa's support Liu Qingsong (t/n: now Pinus) was very good, so I'd watch his ranked games every day and found he was really very good.' When Tang Chi Sa was relegated from LSPL, the support Lqs and his ADC Lwx showed up on Newbee's main roster, and these former TGA opponents once again met in the LPL. Like a sieve, LPL catches the best players in the secondary leagues and city-level competitions.

'Actually there are still very talented players in the TGA, but they haven't had an opportunity yet. I don't think I'm particularly talented – I'm just lucky.'

When talking about LPL's young support talent, EDG's Meiko is an unavoidable topic. From being discovered in the TGA to being moved to the LPL, to quickly meshing with EDG and becoming a top-tier support domestically, and then becoming winner of countless championships, winning MSI, becoming a part of the Worlds ranking... 'Meiko and I are about the same age, but I haven't even seen the glory he's received. If I'd call RNG's Ming someone I can look up to, then Meiko is a god.' When the topic of Meiko's almost legendary career was brought up, Baolan very naturally showed signs of envy.

'Of course there are some differences, but it's not just because I think he was lucky. He plays well, and on top of that he's lucky, so he can get what others cannot.'

'Will you take the initiative to go make friends with these players you respect?' this journalist asked.

'I'd prefer it if I can play well and then have people take the initiative to make friends with me,' Baolan replied.

July 24, 2016 – Baolan first entered the stage as IG's support; the ADC who joined him was Marge, and their opponents were Snake. In TGA circles, there was a popular saying: If you play in the LPL, if you're always a sub and don't have a chance to start, maybe you will never have the chance to start. If the team gives you a chance and it doesn't go well, you will never have a second chance.

'So, many players won't take the risk of playing in the LPL. They'd rather stay and keep playing in TGA,' Baolan said.

In the end, in that best-of-3, IG went 1-2 and lost in the end. At the end of the game, Baolan thought, 'It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was like we were all still human.'

In the first game, Snake had an immense lead in the early-game. SofM's Graves straight-out bought a Runaan's Hurricane, but at 35 minutes in the game, IG took a teamfight and turned the game.

In the second game, both teams played a slower game, and at 29 minutes in, Snake took the game after gaining a teamfight advantage.

In the third game, Snake had a small advantage in the mid-game, and at 28 minutes in, miscommunication between the initiator and the carries caused IG to lose regrettably.

In the three games, Baolan played Braum support, and allowed Marge to successfully and safely farm in the botlane, so at the very least, he was not a liability.

After this set of games, Baolan played increasingly often until Jackeylove joined the team and IG's botlane went from 'regularly surviving' to 'able to get a few small advantages.'

'I want to prove with him that we're the best, but that will probably take time. We're a little competitive among ourselves and try to see who plays better.' On his lane partner Jackeylove, Baolan had this kind of assessment.

Besides Jackeylove, another teammate who had a close relationship with Baolan was their jungler Kid. Beginning with Baolan's arrival in IG, Kid, who shared a room with him, took on the role of an older brother, just like Zoom did in the past. 'I've never spent any money when I'm out with Kid. Every time, he'll pay for me and invite me to eat.' Of course, Kid also has his own problems – such as snoring really loudly when he sleeps.

'In the future I'll try to sleep earlier, or at least sleep before he does.'

In the two days before this interview, Baolan had gone through a few sleepless nights: during the day, he'd play ranked until very late, and at night he'd lie in bed and be unable to sleep, then wake up and play more. But the reason for this were not the loud noises from his roommate, but rather that he was seeing the goals ahead of him.

'Because Ming has more LP than I do, a lot more, one or two hundred. So in the past few days I've been feeling like I can't sleep, like I have a rock in my chest. Yesterday I finally accomplished my goal and had 2LP more than he did. That night I slept very well.'

After all, he's still understandably a new player, and in the LPL, the stress is unending. In the new 2017 season, Baolan changed his summoner ID: Megan.

epilogue: those who are eternally in conflict.

Like Baolan, Zoom and Gear found their own ways out. The one regret is – they never managed to make it out of TGA by playing.

Zoom went to MF in the LSPL, where he was called the 'strongest toplaner.' After MF merged with WY and changed names, he once again appeared on the 2017 LSPL stage as the toplaner for DS.

Gear left the mainland, and went back to the LMS to join HKE (Hong Kong Esports). There, after one season (Summer 2016), he continued to play as their starting midlaner in 2017.

Baolan came to IG, putting on an entirely different uniform and picking up new teammates. When you become stronger, it's impossible to not leave your current environment. This requires you to say goodbye to many of the people you don't want to leave; this is a conflict.

But doesn't every young person live in this kind of contradiction?

To Baolan, the contradictions in his heart are not just those. He used to believe that 'those who look strong should be really strong,' but now he feels 'those who don't look that good might be truly good.' For example, he brought up SKT's ADC, Bang. Because he 'was in Faker's shadow, it's rare for people to say Bang is very good, and there are very few people who discuss him, but he always plays very well.'

On the other hand, he always desires a few external, self-serving things, like the recognition of others and fans. In fact, when he was analyzing the support players of each LPL team, 'popularity' was something he paid heavy attention to. 'I feel like veteran LPL players are not likely to be swapped out, perhaps because of their fans, or maybe it's because they're the core of the team and can't be changed.'

Whether it's better to be 'someone who looks good,' or “someone who doesn't look very good, but is very good,' Baolan didn't have any answers.

But a fish and a bear's paw cannot coexist, and he will eventually face this kind of choice. Of course, this is something every young person will encounter.

At the end, this journalist asked Baolan, 'If you weren't playing professionally, what would you want to do?'

'I would want to be a waiter, I think waiters are good people. When we go to The Bund to eat, I always feel like waiters are very impressive people, they can always give you what you need the most, and their attitudes are very good.' This kind of answer is very unusual, to the point of being somewhat nonsensical.

But this at least proves that Baolan is very young and still very childish. He still hasn't experienced the kind of life-or-death battle between WE and IM, he hasn't had to struggle in relegations like OMG, he hasn't left the domestic stage like EDG and battled for the world championship.

But when these 'hasn't yet' eventually turn into reality, I believe Baolan will have even more stories for people to tell.

editor's note.

At 'The Hero's Heart' competitive event (t/n: donation event), we saw IG, who were just coming back from winning NEST. Their manager, Su Xiaoluo, mentioned that they hoped we would interview IG's young player Baolan.

When we talked about why, Su Xiaoluo said, 'As a manager, the most common question many young players will talk to me about is salary and benefits. When he tried out for IG and played a few competitive matches, Baolan's salary was actually very small. After NEST ended, I brought up giving him a raise, but he didn't seem to care about this, and told me 'I came here to play.''

When he was 14 and League of Legends first showed up in his life, he chose this professional path, and without even hitting 17 he'd played two years of city-level competitions. In IG's weakest moments, he joined the team as a rookie, rich with potential and yet very young. As a manager, in this impulsive time, to find such a pure player in the generation of young players is a very lucky thing.

As we walked into Baolan's world, we discovered not only his pure love for the occupation, but also the loneliness and confusion so common with young people.

The biggest difference between young esports players and regular students comes from the different people they meet at this most critical point of life, and the way they understand society is different from that of those who go through school before walking into society. Compared to Baolan's chance to become a superstar, we're more interested in how these young players can find their identity in esports.

The experience of spending two years in TGA without any results can make someone ashamed to talk about their job to their relatives and make them call video games a 'bad thing.' The strength of other players in the same team can cause someone to undertake absurd training burdens; Ming's ladder position can cause them to not sleep at night, but instead wake up and chase LP; Meiko's professional journey can make them lonely, yet unable to take the initiative to meet these other players, instead hoping to prove themselves and have them want to meet him.

Before leaving, I noticed on the desk in the IG base, there was a copy of Salinger's Catcher in the Rye. The book describes how the 16-year-old protagonist, Holden, was born in an affluent middle-class family, but after being expelled from school for the fourth time, began to go into the world of adults and discovered the hypocrisy of this world. His idealism made him cynical, but he had to make compromises to continue to survive, making his life always in the midst of contradictions.

Abusinesswoman mother and the complicated feelings he had in this new world are just a few similarities between the real Baolan and the novel's protagonist, Holden. I don't know which fan sent this book to be signed by Baolan, but for this book to appear here, there's something to think about.

The road forward is long, and I hope this professional career will give him all he seeks, and teach him the truth of life.

#league of legends #source: pentaq #i really wanted to get this out before the ig vs edg series #but i thought it was tomorrow rip ;w;

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