#gosh it's nice being able to make progress in both games now :3

[violetsareblue-selfships]

good morning!! :3

[melon-kiss]

This is just going to be a ramble about everything Sherlock. You’re most welcome to discuss or just ignore it. I needed the space to vent.

I watched Sherlock. Again. I think it’s beginning to become my annual tradition. And I have a crisis. Don’t get me wrong, I am always Sherlollian at heart. It’s just… I have doubts sometimes. And what triggered those doubts this time was the fact that Sherlock calls Molly “John”. Twice. And then Irene Adler. And then one post on Tumblr. And many, many more.

OK, these are just my random thoughts. Enjoy if you’re willing to read them.

 1. “John”. “Molly”.

We often mix up names of people we consider to have the same place in our lives. Which is good, right? Right. Only, in Sherlock’s case, we’d have lean into the theory that Sherlock does love John romantically and feels the same way about Molly. Or concede the fact that he loves them both platonically. Neither of these options is really satisfying, isn’t it? Well, that’s why I’m struggling… One could say he’s in denial of feelings for Molly and identifies them as friendship, as this is the strongest, purest relationship in his life, the only one he describes as emotional and the closest he’s ever had to love. Besides, Molly and John are similar in one way – they both share the same – medical – knowledge. Of course, Sherlock doesn’t realise her other qualities until The Reichenbach Fall when she says she can help him whenever he needs it. It’s not until she’s honest with him again and tells him, without a shred of grudge, that she knows she means nothing to him, that he realises he has at least two friends. He calls her “John” when his mind is busy with something else, so there’s no room for any purposeful confusion. The same thing happens in The Empty Hearse. What else can it mean if not friendship?

 2. Nothing Hits Like Irene

Irene Adler is created as the love interest for Sherlock. Is she, though? Well, we see Sherlock utterly confused upon their first meeting. We also see him flirting and creating an atmosphere of sexual tension for the first time. OK, he saves her but then she vanishes, he got over her, I thought. And all was fine until The Lying Detective came and Irene Adler sent a text to Sherlock, first in such a long time. John, of course, suggests that if Sherlock should be romantically involved with anyone, it should be her. And then it hit me.

Irene Adler is the symbol of chemistry in Sherlock’s life.

She’s a dominatrix. She’s all about sex, that’s obvious. At the critical point of The Scandal in Belgravia Sherlock says: I believe John Watson thinks love’s a mystery for me but the chemistry is incredibly simple and very distractive. Sherlock discovers that he, indeed, can have chemistry with people. He doesn’t mention love, he merely says sentiment, referring to the crush Irene Adler had on him. She is, indeed, a simple distraction – you can see it clearly in his memory palace when he yells at her to get away. But Molly… Molly stays. She leads him through the entire process of surviving a shot.

And then Irene Adler returns in The Lying Detective. John confesses to Sherlock about texting with a stranger met on the bus. And that he wanted more. Sherlock says everyone gets to be human sometimes. Even he can’t resist the urge of replying to Irene Adler sometimes. It was all about attraction again.

And that’s why she’s not considered a romantic relationship in his life. John rambles about love changing him, to be more specific, the love of his woman changing him. But he says Irene’s a dangerous criminal. How would that change Sherlock in any way?

In The Final Problem, upon deducing the coffin, John suggests Irene Adler but she’s not his first thought in general once they all hear that this is about someone who loves Sherlock. Sherlock’s response is very telling: Don’t be ridiculous. Look at the coffin. It seems like Sherlock pieces the puzzle at once – the coffin, plus the “name” on the lid – it couldn’t have been Irene Adler.

And that’s why Sherlock calls her The Woman. As a symbol of his sexuality. The Woman who’s woken up certain impulses in his life.

 3. Makeshift Gauge

Who is she?, Sherlock asks John in His Last Vow.

Based on what Mofftiss duo said about Molly, she was supposed to be featured in two episodes top. Yet, she stayed. The uncanonical character not only stayed but became fans’ favourite. I think she became a useful tool for Moffat and Gatiss. I think that not only she represents Sherlock heart (of which existence he has no idea at first) but later becomes our makeshift gauge. For what? For measuring Sherlock’s progress. See, it’s like when you live with someone, you don’t notice when they put on weight or grew a little but those who see less of them will notice all changes right away. So, when Sherlock runs around with John, we don’t notice the change in his behaviour at once (also because he’s always been nice to him, from the very beginning), we need to focus to see that. But Molly pops by once per episode and we see how Sherlock’s perception changes. In season one, he has good intentions, but they turn out bad. In season two, he’s more neutral but doesn’t restrain himself from rude comments. And Molly is being Molly – tells him he’s rude in her natural, soft way and he says sorry. For the first time. Without anyone making him do that. Almost the same happens in The Reichenbach Fall – but this time, Molly doesn’t let herself be fooled by Sherlock’s arrogance and just ignores it, going straight to the point. She says: “I’m here for you” and lowers his defences. In season three, he spends an entire day with her, smiles at her and is the sweetest, softest Sherlock we’ve ever seen. Moreover, when Lestrade asks him about her helping him solve cases, he says: [John] is not in the picture anymore, implying that she not necessarily had to be a temporary replacement. In season four, he says I love you to her.

What can we deduce about his heart?

 4. The Eurus Conundrum

We could write an entire book about Eurus and not even be able to grasp her spirit. I’m not going to do that right now.

I have issues with what happened in season four finale. I mean – Molly, of course. Mycroft says Eurus and Jim Moriarty met five years ago, so before Moriarty revealed himself to Sherlock. They both planned the entire game for Sherlock. Does that mean Sherlock never really won with him? Does that mean Moriarty let him use Molly to “win”? Since she was included in Eurus’ plan, we can safely assume Jim knew about Molly back then. At first, when I saw Moriarty saying We both know that’s not quite true [that you don’t have a heart] in many Sherlolly fanvids, I was like naaaaah. He didn’t see her as one of the important people in Sherlock’s life, it couldn’t have been a reference to their meeting. But now… how deeply back in time was Eurus’ plan allocated? Which events did she predict?

Or maybe I’m missing something? Any thoughts on this?

 5. Sherlock Evergreen

I once came across a post here, about how BBC Sherlock is literature, about sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s struggle with his own genius character. He was over with him, didn’t feel like writing any more of his stories so he killed him, but fans demanded more. He kept writing, although he hated it from the bottom of his heart. Season four, so often considered as the worst of all of them, is a way of saying that Sherlock character is, unfortunately, invincible. Immortal. He will live forever. We can’t kill him, no one can. Even his creator couldn’t have done it.

In season four, Sherlock goes back to the start. He is a clean slate again. He went through the entire process of change – became a good Sherlock, considerate of other people’s feelings and emotions, appreciative, supportive, loving, ready to mend what he broke. That interpretation, although very good, kind of killed my Sherlolly spirit. But I guess every interpretation like this would do it. If we stop treating characters like real human being, we’re left with what they really are – a construct, tools, puppets in the author’s hands.

Based on this, I think we’re safe to say there will never be a fifth season of BBC Sherlock (gosh, how I wish I was wrong!). Why? Because, despite what Moffat said in an interview once (after season three finale he said they’ve plotted out the entire fourth and fifth season – liar, liar, pants on fire!), season four had the perfect ending. As mentioned above, Sherlock became a good man and Mary Watson summed up what Sherlock is all about: two man, a genius junkie and a former soldier, who solve the weirdest, the toughest of cases together in flat on 221B Baker Street. Now, Sherlock is ready to be taken over by other artists who may find a new way to tell his story (though, I don’t think so) all over again.

And that’s a big, big shame… I think I speak for at least most of Sherlollians when I say we’d like to see Sherlock and Molly’s first encounter after the call. The finale really closed all the story arcs and subplots, except for this one. I mean, c’mon. You don’t have to be a Sherlollian to be annoyed by this – just remember that it was such a “biggie” that Moffat was asked about this in an interview. And this may be another reason as to why we won’t ever get a fifth season of Sherlock – because that would mean taking a side. And none of the creators will do it because Sherlock cannot be an open-and-shut case. It has to be like literature: big, open, twisted, unclear and full of room for interpretation. As long as there’s no certain explanation – yes, Sherlock loves Molly, no, Sherlock is gay – we create more and more content out of the need of closure. Thanks to the room for interpretation, the story lives. I mean, it’s been four years since The Final Problem airing and here I am, discussing BBC Sherlock still.

 Coming back to Sherlolly… don’t worry. Though I’m still not sure that we can harvest any hard evidence for Sherlock’s feelings for Molly (other than friendship and respect), I’m still a Sherlollian. There two new fics waiting for me to pull myself together and write them. I think it’s good to have doubts – it means my brain hasn’t rotten yet and I can still be critical, I’m able of having my own opinions.

 Thank you if you managed to read it all! I’d love to discuss if you have any conclusions. If not, that’s fine, too. I just needed it get it out of my system.

PS WHY DOES MY POSTS IN ENGLISH SOUND SO SOPHISTICATED IN MY HEAD BUT WHEN I PUT THEM IN WRITING, THEY’RE SO SHITTY?!

[army-of-mai-lovers]

Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

oh my gosh I have so many I’m literally incapable of sticking to one or two projects at once this list is going to be so long ahhh ok

keep the world at bay- Avatar Sokka au/nonbender Zuko au/Yue lives au/Jet lives au/Azula redemption au....she has layers (unsurprisingly, she’s projected to be 200k). basically, Aang didn’t go into the iceberg and grew up during the beginning of the Hundred Year War and spent most of his life trying to end it, but then he disappeared and there was a 40 year gap between his disappearance and the surfacing of the Water Tribe Avatar, Sokka. this fic frustrates me to no end sometimes but I really really love it. I am a bit of a nerd about writing, but there are some things that I’m really nerdy about within writing and alternate history stories is one of those things. I have a google doc with pages and pages and pages of text about what happened in between the first Sozin’s Comet and the start of the fic, and how this all ties in thematically, and this is all like, exactly the kind of stuff I live for. it’s self-indulgent as hell but I love it. I just posted earlier this week that the hiatus on the new chapter for this fic was going to be even longer and now I’m working on chapter 14 so...yeah I change my mind on a whim what about it? 

not ready to make nice- Jet lives au, one of my only fics in which Jet is not affiliated with a coffee/teashop in some way. basically, he wakes up in an apartment of Ba Sing Se after the events of Crossroads of Destiny, severely injured but alive, and finds out that Smellerbee and Longshot have been taken. even though there are three jail/prison break scenes in 9 chapters, it’s a very slow, very intense character study kind of fic exploring Jet’s many many traumas and how he learns to love himself enough to survive and thrive. fun fact: this fic was part of my six month plan to slowly convert people into jetru shippers, and right after I started it everybody started shippng jetru and the whole plan became moot (this is also why Haru doesn’t get introduced until ch 7) 

like ripples, like love- wuko enemies to lovers coffeeshop au, featuring background korrasami, bopal, jetru, and zukka. also probably the weirdest experience I’ve ever had being inspired for a fic--I made a couple jokes about how the perfect wuko fic would be a 200k enemies to lovers coffeeshop au in which Mako is the employee and Wu is a Karen, and then some of my mutuals were like “yo I’d read that fic” and I was like “lmao ok I’m not doing it” and three months later I have a 75k wuko enemies to lovers coffeeshop au, so...joke’s on me I guess. I really love the opportunity to be funny in a fic, honestly. my canonverse stuff is kinda depressing, and considering both the world and the atla fandom are dumpster fires, it’s really nice to just make something fun and lighthearted. this fic is also set in Hong Kong, which initially was me trying to be more responsible as a member of a fandom for a show based on Asian and Indigenous cultures, but it has grown into me just being interested in Hong Kong culture. I’ve done a lot of research for this fic and I’ve enjoyed all of it. I never would have listened to Chet Lam or Leslie Cheung or AGA if it weren’t for this fic, and I never would have read about Jessica Park and the Transgender Equality and Acceptance Movement. All of this has really enriched my understanding of queer culture and queer organizing outside of the US and it makes me really happy that I’ve gotten the opportunity to learn about all of this stuff. just posted ch 2, will probably post ch 3 soon!

it’s only a paper moon- yueki fic in which Suki talks to Yue (the moon) while she’s at Boiling Rock, and falls in love with her through these conversations. this is one of the first straight up angst things I’m writing (read: angst w/o a happy ending) and as someone who adores yueki being able to write about them in a variety of situations is really fun. also, it’s Suki pov and ngl Suki pov is my favorite pov to write. I love her so much and I love deconstructing her and making her vulnerable (instead of the invincible queen that everybody stans but nobody takes the time to treat like a human being) 

on my honor- probably the only straight up zukka fic I will ever write. It’s a donnaverse fic, set a few months after the events of bad girls and love will always find you, and Sokka and Zuko compete to be the biggest fans/supporters of their friends and sisters by having a Kyoshi merch arms race. I love donnaverse everything so I’m really excited about this, plus this fic has a lot of Sokka & Aang and Sokka & Haru and Sokka & Jet (and it features Jet and Haru’s first meeting). also, Zuko the Douchebag! so few zukka fics feature Zuko the Douchebag and I miss him I want him back. the whole point of Zuko is the character development so if I’m writing a zukka fic it’s got to have Zuko developing and becoming a better human. 

and finally....

Super Secret Zone Collaboration fic- [REDACTED]

fanfic meta ask game!

[windermeresimblr]

Story Process Challenge

I was tagged by @danjaley and @treason-and-plot (in alphabetical order, not tagging order). Thank you both so much!

Summary: My process makes sense to myself alone and it’s very much a work in progress! Also, I’m very boring and don’t do gifs or videos, so you’ll just have to look at my screenshots. Sorry!

This is behind the jump for length.

1. Your writing process - show us a part of your script or explain how you write your scenes. Do you write in screenplay format or novel format? Etc, etc.

I write in novel format if it’s a wholly-posed story, mostly because that’s easier for me than a script. I feel like it really helps build the ~aesthetic~ of a scene that way. For my attempts at partially-posed/gameplay stories, I’ve gone for screenplay format, but it’s very new to me and I feel much more comfortable with the novel format. I usually write in Google Docs, since that can go with me everywhere and I can write on my lunch hour/waiting for my mom to get out of the pharmacy/etc, but sometimes I will write in Notepad. 

(Yes, this IS a flashback to Alasdair and Ma. Yolanda meeting; they were perfect teenage hellions causing chaos at a society party, don’t worry.)

2. Scene building - show us you in the middle of scene building through pictures, gifs, or a video. Explain what is the best thing about scene building and what is the worst!

I’m still learning how to make a very good scene build; this is where being a historical player kind of hurts. It’s hard to get a good sense of what a 1810s Spanish drawing room or a 1600s merchant’s house in Amsterdam really looked like without abusing my library privileges! (Images from Wikipedia and historical sites only go so far.) The best thing about scene-building is when the vision of the room in my head matches the room that’s in-game, which is pretty difficult. The worst thing about scene building is that I’m very perfectionistic and a control freak, which does not help, and frequently I do get lost in the details and can’t see the forest for the trees. 

(This isn’t a scene, it’s that Iron Age Roundhouse, but it’s a good example of how I do things--all the lights on, everything bright white paint or the $0 floor until I am happy with the shape and placement, and then I decorate.) 

3. CC/Pose Making - do you make your own cc/poses for your scene? If so, what is your process like to create? Do you just go off the top of your head? Do you use reference photos?

I’d love to be able to make my own CC and poses specifically for scenes! I’m still very new at CC-making--see my hats collection--and again, I’m very much a control freak. I use a lot of reference photos, especially historical costuming sites and books, because it gives me a lot of pride to have the clothing and accessories look just right. 

The creation process is usually: gosh, I need a crispinette/gable hood/palla/whatever for this character, let me see if there’s a mesh from TS2 or TS4 that I can wrangle into submission if I can’t repurpose an existing mesh, and then a prolonged period of fighting with Milkshape and TSRW and other programs until it looks serviceable and works. I’m not very technically skilled yet.

I don’t make my own poses--I’d love to, I have a hand-spinning poseset idea living rent-free in my mind at all times, complete with a drop spindle accessory, but I’m not very confident with Blender or hand accessories, etc. When I pose my Sims, I do use reference photos if I haven’t already planned out how they’re moving around in the scene. (Well, reference paintings, usually, although sometimes I’m lucky enough to find reenactment photos!)

4. Getting in the zone - What do you do to get in the zone to work on a scene? Examples include: show us your playlist you use when working on a scene, what’s your go-to scene snack/drink, etc.

I don’t know if I get into a zone as much as I just carve out time to work on things as I can. I don’t have playlists for my characters. (Not a Deaf thing; I just haven’t really...had the urge to do that. I’m worried I’m a neglectful Simmer now, ha ha.) I don’t have a go-to writing snack or drink. I just...try to relax a bit, usually, and sometimes I will look at my past chapters to see what we were doing last time. 

5. Screenshot folder - give us a look into your screenshot folder to show us just how much goes into ONE scene for your story. (Scrapped pictures encouraged!!!)

Do you REALLY want to see this? Really? I’m an AWFUL packrat. I try to organize it and I can’t. (Sorry. I’m very messy.)

6. Captions - are you a caption on the picture kind of storyteller or captions in text box type of storyteller? Why? Do you do both?

Captions and text go in the text box.

I’d love to be able to put dialogue in speech bubbles, because it seems cool, but I talk too much! (This is the same reason why I kind of go back and forth with Netflix-style captions. I don’t know when to shut up.) I also worry that the captions wouldn’t be visible in scenes with low lighting or overly-bright lighting. 

7. Editing!!!!! - explain and show us your process editing a scene through a video, gif, or picture. A Before and after will suffice if you aren’t in the middle of editing a scene as you answer this.

Philomena, before...

Philomena, after. (This is one of those images where I just threw up my hands at the hair editing. I wish TS3 had hat chops like TS4 did.)

I’m really not confident with editing--I want to have my pictures look aesthetically pleasing, consistent with the other images in the chapter, and “nice” in general. It doesn’t help that while I’m 95% Maxis-match, my aesthetic inspiration for scenes changes with the wind. I use pooklet’s lighting actions, and then from there I tend to use the Holy Colors, Batman actions. But I’m trying to find my own way of doing things--reliant on others’ actions, yes, but more consistently done and somehow conveying that it’s “of my workshop.”

8. Throwback-  show us an ANCIENT story scene you did in the past and explain how you would do the scene differently today!

First: I think I’d choose a different pose for Vicar Max here. (It doesn’t quite fit; why would he be staring at Alasdair like that? It’s more of a mid-conversation pose.) I liked how it looked like Alasdair was genuflecting as he sat in the pew, but again, the pose needs to be changed. I might just go for neutral sitting-and-talking-looking-straight-ahead poses. 

This was one of those pictures taken when I was trying to understand Reshade, so I’d obviously skip that. I’d also add Pooklet’s lighting actions, of course.

It’s definitely not lit well in the back--I’m not sure how I’d change that. I didn’t want to lose the “quiet chapel” feel, but there has to be a balance, not letting the characters look like they’re spotlit. 

The angle also looks weird, but I’m horrible at angles; I have a lot to learn still.  I’d either close-up on the faces or I’d zoom out more. (I think I was having issues with Alasdair on the OMSP, for some reason.)

I tag whoever would like to do this!

[cunyappliedtheatreblog]

Countdown Profile: Week 3 Jessica Cortez (’20)

Jessica Cortez(’20) is wrapping up her first semester in the MA in Applied Theatre. She is a Graduate Apprentice with the Literacy through Drama Program, working with middle schoolers in the Adolescent Literacy Program.

 The Graduate Apprenticeship for Diversity in Applied Theatre provides recipients a stipend, a tuition award, and a placement with the CUNY Creative Arts Team. Jessica joined Michael Wilson (’11) to talk about leaving San Diego, falling in love with New York, and keeping her flames burning. 

You mentioned that you were reading Morgan and Sindy’s profile last year. Where were you when you were reading it? Morgan and Sindy are apprentices, like Jessica, but now in their second year.

 I was in San Diego, actually. I grew up in San Diego. I’ve never lived anywhere else. Welcome to New York. I remember saying I would never move to New York. Laughs. But I ended up finding this program and reading more about it, and this was the program that I wanted to go to. And then when I came to visit for the artistic review, I fell in love with it and I was like, why was I so scared to come here? 

You fell in love with the city. 

With the city, yeah. And the program. Both of them. 

Let me go back to what you were doing in California. Did you have an acting background? 

I have a theatre background. I do some acting. In San Diego, I was a teaching artist for the San Diego Opera and a Chicano theatre group, Teatro Izcalli, for about two years. I was working with anywhere from third to twelfth grade students, and we were doing arts integration programs in San Diego Unified School District. I got to partner with teachers, got to meet hundreds of students and…our primary thing was working with students to develop their own stories, based on their memories or issues that they saw in their communities. And then we helped them to produce those into a final production. 

The Opera was separate from the Chicano work? 

They have a partnership, so we worked together, hand-in-hand. The Opera really wanted to connect with diverse communities in San Diego. The programming manager at the Opera, he met Teatro Izcalli, and then from there formed this partnership, where Teatro Izcalli served as this bridge to the community, because they’ve been in San Diego for like 20 years now.

 Were you doing work in music? 

Actually no. John—the education manager at the Opera—he specifically was looking for people who wanted to do community engagement and didn’t feel it was necessary for me to have a music background, because he really was about wanting to connect with communities and tell stories, rather than just the traditional opera forms that they use. 

That’s bold. 

I saw my first opera after I got hired there. I really loved working for them, because John was very progressive and took a lot of risks and, like you said, was bold, in his choices. I feel like we got a lot of rich work done that way. In community. 

Sounds like it. And yet you moved. 

Yes.

Jessica (right) with fellow actors in a summer 2018 Teatro Izcalli production

What had you start researching master’s programs?

 In college, my professor in theatre had told me, “Have you ever considered a master’s program?” And I never had. And so that kind of got the wheels turning. Once I graduated college, I was thinking, “I do want to get my masters.” And so, it had been about four years since graduating, and I was like, “okay, it’s time.” 

What was it? Why? Why was it time? 

Even though I was doing great work in San Diego, I felt that I was a little complacent. I wanted to grow as a person and grow as an educator and as an artist. And I could either stay on that trajectory—which is great—of doing the work I was doing, or I could throw myself into something completely new, and grow. 

That’s bold. And, why applied theatre? 

In my undergrad, I focused on Ethnic Studies. Social justice was my primary focus, and I had no past background with theatre. I decided to double major in theatre [in college] because I saw it as a platform that I could use to talk about those issues, and really dive into social narratives, and express people’s stories that aren’t typically told. 

Thank you. It’s the tail end of November now, in New York. How’s your experience in the program? 

It’s been exactly what I wanted when I thought about moving from San Diego. All along the way I feel like I’ve been given signs, I guess you could say, or affirmations that I’m in the right place, right now. 

What are they? 

For example, I was sitting in this room here for our training, and we were talking about people who inspire us. I said, “Evelyn Díaz Cruz,” who was my professor of theatre who pushed me to go into a master’s in applied theatre. I said that and my co-worker Marion, who is sitting there— 

—Lopez? Marion graduated this spring in the class of 2018

 Yeah. She was like, “Evelyn Díaz Cruz, from San Diego?” And I was like, “yeah.” She’s like, “oh my gosh, she directed my first official play.” I was like, wow, how is that even…like…I don’t even understand. It’s been a good experience definitely. A lot of work. A lot of challenges…getting back in the flow of writing again and all that. But overall I feel I’m learning a lot and meeting a lot of people, and feeling affirmed. 

I’m so glad to hear that. What is a challenge that you’ve had in one of the courses that hit a sweet spot: it’s hard but rewarding? 

Well, right now, because I’m working on the Co-Intentional paper [for Helen White’s course The Co-Intentional Director], I think that’s the most prevalent on my mind…I felt like it was really challenging, because I was so in my head about it. Like, “is this co-intentional?” I found I would stifle myself and not allow myself to really be present in rehearsals, because I was so worried about, “oh, am I being a good director, am I being co-intentional?” And then when I let down that wall, in a rehearsal, I felt like, “oh, did I say too much? Did I influence the direction of where the actors are going?” It’s been really rewarding because I’ve learned a lot, but I’ve also realized how in my head sometimes I can get and how that holds me back from really being able to create work that I feel says something about the world. 

I hope that as you do it more and more you’re able to make it more and more your own. I think learning is awkward like that. 

Yeah. It’s kind of like taking your first steps as a child. 

If you were to have the audacity to imagine yourself in three years, after the program is over, what would you be up to?

 I would love to be working in a theatre company as a community engagement director or an education director—a position where I can reach students and teaching artists and organizations and be a bridge between a theatre company and a community.

 What fuels you to pursue this path? 

Growing up, I didn’t go to plays. I didn’t go to theatre. And so coming to it in college, and having all of this transformation from going to see a play where I saw my story reflected, or being able to perform and act out my story, I felt like it was very impactful for me. I think about, oh, what would it look like if I had access earlier on in my life. The schools we were going into [in San Diego] were predominately students of color, or schools that don’t get theatre program, or don’t get arts programming at all. That’s what really fuels me, is to change that. Not to impose, “oh, here’s theatre, and it’s so great,” but to really offer an opportunity to kind of experiment, or try it out, or see what theatre can do. With my students, we’ve been able to accomplish a show that they were like, oh, we’re never going to be able to do that. Or we’re never going to act. And then seeing the after effects of them—so ecstatic for being able to produce something onstage, literally dancing and cheering. It’s that moment where you’re like, okay, this is why we do the work. This is what fuels me. 

Thank you. I can see that, it’s exciting. And what are you working on here at CAT? 

I’m an apprentice in the Literacy Through Drama Program, with Claro. I’m working right now at Bronx Writing Academy, with sixth and seventh graders, doing after school programming. My partner Brett and I have been going Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday from 2:40 to 4:15. 

Okay. Describe a moment that springs to your mind from your work. 

I’m thinking... we were playing…[a game]. All of a sudden we got on this conversation about dreams, and they were talking about astral travel. And this student she was talking about how her grandpa was able to do this, and now she’s able to do it, and now her brother’s able to do it. And then everyone in the room started getting really excited about dreams. And so just being able to see the generative themes coming up in the room, and then someone started talking about lucid dreaming… 

You dropped the Freirian term “generative theme,” there. For Freire there’s always a bigger picture of that. It’s not just “nice” [that people’s interest coalesces around a topic], but it’s helping toward liberation. What’s at stake? Why does it matter for them to be talking to each other about dreams? 

I think for them to be talking about dreams, and to be talking about these concepts, is connected to being able to imagine a reality outside of their own, or be able to control the content that they’re talking about in the room. To be able to talk about dreams in a classroom, is so different from traditional models of education, and I think that’s so important, to be able to allow them to open up that dialogue.

 How is your experience in CAT, when you’re not out in the field?

 It’s been really fun. We do a lot…I actually was really excited, because it’s such a family vibe, or community vibe…Claro’s really intentional about that…we have our potlucks, or we have the ‘80s party too, for Keith, for Halloween— —you did? —yeah! 

You’d talked about the apprehension around moving to New York, and then discovering that it was welcoming. 

What would you offer someone from the West Coast who’s thinking about moving to New York?

 I guess, it’s not…it’s really a beautiful place. I love it here because there are so many people. 

Thank you. Anything else you’d want some curious person to know? 

I think what’s really been foundational in my transition here has been the cohort model. I’ve become really close with both my year and the middle year students. I didn’t know anybody coming here, I knew like one person. So I was worried that I would be very lonely when I came. But I think the program is set up in a way where I’ve been able to connect with different people and form friendships with them. So that’s been really nice, to not only see each other in class, but also to get together outside of class, to support each other, since we’re going through it together.

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: Tape it or leave it

ROUND One in the books, already nine teams are flag contenders and the pitchforks emerge for the rest.

Wasted pre-seasons, scarves thrown away and discarded in disgust, the Grim Reaper seemingly looms for half a dozen coaches already.

Could be worse, could be Steve Smith...

 1.        Let’s touch on the cricket up front. Warner is a pit bull, a junkyard dog, and has blown his top. A high-energy Ashes summer, further fuelled by the De Kock sledge against his wife and then Rabada’s antics, made worse by his suspension being overturned, has finally lost self-control when the ball wouldn’t go reverse in the third test – straw, camel’s back basically. Irrationally he has pressured Bancroft into an idea, Smith, the quiet, younger man child who before this all happened had a reputation for coming across as sweet, well-educated and the next Bradman basically, can’t contain his vice-captain when in this mood. Warner is the instigator, the sole proprietor of all the untoward descriptions of the ‘culture’ within the team. Smith is far from the kind of character needed to curtail him (Border, Waugh, they would have no issues you’d imagine), gets caught up and tries to protect his deputy. Bancroft, at the crossroads, out of form and feeling the pinch, gets leaned on and sees a way out, reverse swing might win us the game, a win might save my spot, an alliance to the leaders might be favourable come selection – its wrong but you can see why it might have been compelling. So now what? Smith probably gets 12 months, misses the summer but comes back in time to get a run up to the Ashes, Warner gets the same ban but is never picked again, Bancroft gets a ban but is certainly not lost to the national team down the track and the Test team has a resurgence against two Asian teams this summer who are notoriously bad travellers.

 2.        Onto the footy, and I’m going to start with the media, which is a bit rich coming from this column but alas. We are ok with ex-players jumping the fence and getting behind the glass passing comment on their former craft, be it in print, in front of a camera or behind a mic. But the old school journo, who never played the game, has come through the caper as someone with a nose for news and able to get the mail, the good oil, why are they now being celebrated for their on-field commentary. My main beef is with the media vehicles of Damian Barrett, Triple M most notably, airing segments and splashing headlines for his critique of club’s round one results. Now Damo, break news, write wonderfully prosed columns on the game, but when it comes the Bulldogs’ performance in Canberra, you are not at all qualified, we have better options! Mind you, watch me now do exactly that for the remainder of this column…

 3.        The Cats on Sunday, wow, get out of jail much? Didn’t look overly impressive, or that cohesive. Yes, Ablett and Selwood will likely share five Charlie votes between them, and they have another Brownlow medallist midfielder to come back in perhaps this week, but whilst they are very good trick ponies, the Cats in 2018 will be just that, a three-trick pony.

 4.        Ah the Pies. Glimpses of something good and then whooshka, a horrible disposal, a brain fade mistake, zero defensive coverage, and the Hawks walked it in. Their best footy looks to be ok, showed that last year, showed it in patches on the weekend, but the ultimate downfall is that it’s never there enough, there’s no reason to suggest it will change anytime soon and given they’ll go 2-4 at best after six rounds it’s all superfluous really. A ‘proper’ circuit breaker at the Holden Centre is their only remedy.

 5.        Tom Mitchell gets 54, he got the ten votes from the coaches, he’ll likely be best on from the umpires too. He is still probably underrated, a tremendous get by the Hawks. But, sure, Bucks should have sent someone to him no doubt, but he is far from the new Diesel. Take Clayton Oliver the next day, he only got 28 touches to Mitchell’s 54, yet the Dee laid ten tackles whereas Mitchell laid just the two. Between the two, take age out of it, I know who this column would rather.

 6.        Buddy, Buddy, Buddy. Wasn’t so much the local team christening the new stadium on Sunday but the local boy. Here’s a tip, and its paying $50 which for a two-legged multi is delightful, Franklin for the Coleman into the Brownlow. He plays 22 games he is a massive show.

 7.        Canberra showed us that the GWS are in this year up to their necks, yes, only one game but we saw what we needed to see in the first ten minutes. But for the Dogs, oh gosh, the sky has fallen in at Footscray it seems. Please. It was first up, with a key man going down early, on the road, against this column’s premiership tip, you know what, on the Dogs, yes I will hold thanks caller. They’ll win this week.

 8.        Lot to like for the fans of the losing team last Thursday. Yes, ended up 36 shots to 20 in the reigning premiers but its about 2019 for the Blues. Tangible results are secondary to ‘good signs’, and to that there are plenty, Cripps, Curnow, the other kids, the way they play, etc.

 9.        And on young Charlie Curnow, he is a tall forward that works in the 2018 version of this game. Mason Cox is not. So whilst it’s a project, its an experiment and the American clearly has potential strengths that could ‘help’ the Pies, there will always be weaknesses in his game that are not just exploitable but a liability. The best team minimises liability, the Tigers forward line last year for example, may have been awesome with say a Josh Kennedy in the goal square, but one thing you can’t say about the forward group is that it contained liability. The Cox liabilities are going to cost moments, which can cost games, and a long bow perhaps but those lost games could lose Buckley his position, a butterfly effect if you will.

 10.     The Bombers got themselves a nice, big, early scalp. And here’s the good news for those who enjoy seeing their team who play this grand old game – they only one have one game outside of Melbourne before Round Nine. Between now and then they are a more than a fair chance to win the majority of those which, by the bye periods, will have them set up with a very healthy win-loss record. This column puts a lot of emphasis on how good starts are integral to deep September action, this all bodes very well for the Dons.

 11.     And as for Port, yep, same thing, as we said last week they’ll get off to a great start, tick the box for last week. And good form is good form, whether its something impressive or just games you are expected to win, so no matter really the opponents or performances if the Power can get off to a good start, the momentum is such a strength in itself. Good starts breed success at the pointy end, Port are definitely a ‘buy’.

 12.     Poor Libba, such crap news; he is very important to the Dogs setup but overall it’s such a shame for him. Here’s to a big 2019, he is a genuine star.

 13.     So North Melbourne are throwing money at Andrew Gaff - good luck to both parties I say.

 14.     The Saints still have plenty of room that they actually have to use. Convoluted way it works, there is a salary cap and salary floor, so you cannot obviously exceed the cap, but you must have a minimum salary too. Further complicating things is that you must stay within these markers over a rolling four-year period. Therefore, you can be over the cap providing the rolling four-year result is that you were under on average. That’s the same with being under the cap, its ok for one year, but you need to ensure you compensate when the four-year average is calculated. Long story short, the Saints have been saving cap space, being deliberately under the cap floor on average in the knowledge securing a big fish would get them into the sweet spot – yet without luring such a star they would need to re-do existing deals to make the finances work, which is hardly ideal (overpaying for the sake of it). Jeremy McGovern, Olli Wines, two names that are seemingly open to the enquiry. Rory Sloane is ideal but I think he stays.

 15.     Paddy McCartin. Where’s he going? Bruce is the number one gorilla in the forward line and reasonably so, has earned the credits somewhat. McCartin clearly has the tools, but not convinced he can flourish. No-one had less touches than him on the weekend with his team getting the four points still, yes it’s a long road for him after last year’s badly interrupted year, but he turns 22 in a few weeks, drafted four years ago, this year needs to be somewhat progressive otherwise it’s time for some decisions down at Moorabbin. Not drastic, but things to ponder.

 16.     If Luke Parker played for a Victorian club he would be seen as a superstar. Credit on this rare occasion to Mark Robinson who put the Swan at no. 26 in his pre-season Top 50 but damn he is a gun. Has averaged 25 touches and six tackles a game pretty much the last four years, has only recently turned 25, a Brownlow runner-up two years ago, makes tremendous decisions, and is a rare mix of extremely gritty but very skilful. Had 32 touches on the weekend with nine tackles, that sort of game in Melbourne gets huge Monday night media coverage, but a Sydney performance Sunday twilight in Perth, in Buddy’s shadow, not so much.

 17.     Only 44 tackles laid by Dockers on Saturday, not the effort you want to start the year. Still bullish on their chances, potential, but their home opener against Essendon this weekend is crucial. Couple selection changes, better effort, get the season back to 1-1 and go from there, otherwise, as per our ‘starts’ rule, they will be doing themselves no favours.

 18.     Five goals between Jack Watts and Steven Motlop in the same game with old Toddley Marshall bagging four. Port won’t have much of an issue scoring this year, but ensuring the ball doesn’t just waltz out and result in opposition scores is going to be key. It’s hardly the Richmond mosquito fleet; turning the ball over close-ish to goal and scoring is what works these days.

 19.     How tough were the ladies at Princes Park on Saturday? Throwing themselves around, the hits were hard, it was damn impressive in less than helpful conditions. But notably, the defenders, intercept marking, showing composure, defending and rebounding under immense pressure, there’s a number of spuds in the men’s league who could take note.

 20.     We started with cricket, lets end with tennis – whilst he ended up losing to Fernando Verdasco in three, Thanasi Kokkinakis defeated world no.1 Roger Federer more or less within hours of Cam Bancroft stuffing tape down his Reg Grundys. It meant that essentially no media outlet noticed, or cared, but this column does. Annoyingly it seems we’re jumping off jungle-conqueror Bernie Tomic, but for Nick Kyrgios and Kokkinakis, this column sticks fat. A clean bill of health between the best Greek-Australian offering since The Wog Boy 2: Kings of Mykonos will end up in many satisfied Aussie tennis fans this year and beyond – get on board and stay on board with these two.

(originally published 28 March)

[engagedtobefree]

Phase 4: Making Progress

Monday - Such a horrible day. My guinea pig ended up dying, which I already posted about but will definitely be posting about again some time this week. I had come back to work after dropping Max off at the vet, and Scott was spending his lunch in his car. I couldn’t see him cuz of the sun, but I did a little wave and an unconvincing smile and he waved back. My brain was on Max all morning and then when I got the call he died, I just instantly cried and my boss let me go home for the day. 

Tuesday - I was at the printer when Scott came in, and we said hello. I saw his daughter on his tea tumbler he was carrying. She looked pretty dark and I don’t know if it was just the image quality or not. I wonder if she’s adopted or not, but I don’t want to make any assumptions. 

I was 2 minutes late to go to lunch because I was working on something, and I was glad for this. Scott was at the coffee machine and he was already turned facing my cubicle just waiting for me to come out. We talked for maybe 5 minutes or so. I can’t remember all of our conversation, just talked about the Eagles, the cold, and a few other things. He smiled a lot at me, which made me feel better. I looked like absolute hell, and that is not an exaggeration. My eyes were very puffy and red from crying Monday and also today, and my face is a little puffy as well. I made him smile too, cuz ya know, I’m cute and funny. Steve, who is also in Scott’s office, saw me cry later on in the day, and I don’t know if he said anything to Scott in passing. He came over to me about an order, and I know it had to be obvious I had just finished crying. I kept trying to go to the bathroom if I had to cry hard, but I sat at my cubicle still if it was just a silent cry.

Wednesday - We said hi 3 times today, none of them planned on my part. In the morning, he came in quietly while I was at the printer, and I didn’t even know he had come in. Then I was at the microwave re-heating my coffee and he passed by m e to say hey. Then when I exited my cubicle to use the bathroom, he happened to be walking up to the coffee machine at that exact moment. I was not in the mood to talk since I had just been thinking about Max right beforehand, so I didn’t stop to talk to him. At the end of the day I left kinda slowly so that I could say bye. Just as I was about to enter my car, he came walking out and we said bye.

Thursday - Big, big progress. At least in my opinion. Scott was at the coffee machine and I guess now he expects me to pop out, because he no longer even bothers to face the machine while making his tea, which he used to do. He now leans up against the cabinets and faces my cubicle. We ended up talking for 15-20 minutes. He came right out and told me he has a daughter, which I already knew. I asked him how old she was (2) and if she lives with him (yes). I pretty much spent the past month thinking his daughter lived with the mom and that he only got her every weekend or every other weekend. I should know better than to make assumptions, but I think a lot of people just assume children live with the mothers. I wonder about the possibilities here (adoption, mom died, mom not allowed custody, mom ran off, etc), but I stop thinking about it because it would only lead to another assumption. I was surprised he told me this, but I guess he just wanted me to know, maybe in case he thought it would change my mind, which it most definitely doesn’t. I have no issue with it at all, honestly. I know it would be more difficult for him to date, but it’s not impossible. My mom was a single mom and one of my best friends is also. I don’t have first-hand experience, but I have a really good idea of what it’s probably like for him.

I asked him what he does in his free time, and he said his free time is limited because of raising his daughter. He then said he rode dirt bikes for about 20 years, so I ask him about that. He said he would compete and how he’s broken a lot of bones. I immediately think of seeing all of those broken places, but have to quickly shut that down because it’s going to take my mind elsewhere lol. He said he cant do it anymore cuz he has his daughter and cant have something happen to him, and adss "I gotta be responsibke now, ya know?" and we both smile, and I wonder if he is trying to impress me with this. I also think “damn” about his answer to the free time question. Both of my best friends told me to just ask him out for coffee or something, and I was going to if he didn’t ask me out after another week or two. But now I feel like I shouldn’t, because I have no idea what his weekends look like. Would he be able to get a babysitter, or does he need time in advanced to plan that? How much time could he spare? Also, what keeps me from asking is that he is clearly waiting. Maybe he wants to talk to me a bit more and get more familiar with me. We are both still a tad awkward, definitely me more than him lol, but I’m trying to embrace this period like my therapist mentioned.

I asked him his weekend plans and he said he was busy. He’s taking his outside Christmas lights down Saturday and then Sunday is the football game. (Just thought, is he waiting to ask me out till after football is over, since that will free up a day for him, sort of? But then this means I would still have to wait a few weeks ugh.) He asks me what my plans are and I tell him this is my first Saturday I’ve had free in literally months, so I don’t know what to do and that I might take have a relaxing me-day (this didn’t happen lol I slept in till 1 and then did nothing all day, which was actually nice. Did go over a friend’s Friday though.) I tell him I may go to a yoga class since I haven’t gone to one in awhile (also didn’t happen - will be going Wednesday instead) and that I do yoga every day at home. Not to get my hopes up, but he seemed a little impressed lol. (I actually only ended up doing yoga twice last week though because of Max dying.) We talk about exercise a little after this. My co-worker, Joyce, comes out of her cubicle, looks at us, and then says Scott looks guilty. Yeah, guilty of not asking me out yet. But in all seriousness, I think she may be noticing how we have been talking. There is no reason for Scott and I to interact, and especially because we clearly keep making efforts to keep our conversations going. If she has noticed, she hasn’t said anything yet.

Scott mentions how this week has been rough and I tell him about Max dying on Monday. I give him the briefest summary I possibly can, and he just listens to me, which was nice. We talk a little more, then I use the bathroom, and when I come back it’s my lunch time. He smiles a lot again and oh my gosh, I just can’t deal with it. I think he is the most adorable thing ever in every way possible.

Toward the end of the day, I’m standing outside my cubicle talking to Joyce and Robin. I am facing towards Scott’s office, and at one point he comes walking inside it. We lock eyes and he tilts his head up in a nod to acknowledge me. I don’t know what he’s waiting for to ask me out, except maybe the issue of having free time, but like damn, he makes me feel special already and we aren’t even dating. At the end of the day, I’m pulling out of the parking space when Scott comes out. We both give a little smile and wave.

Friday - I am tired, spent, emotionally exhausted. Did not want to get out of bed. It was a rough week, and in the car ride to work, I am already ready for the day to be over. Some time in the morning I am at the printer getting ready to scan something, and Scott comes out of his office behind me and says hey as he heads to the bathroom. I take this opportunity to look at his butt. So i lean back with a little smile on my face to check him out. He looks down the smaller hallway on his left and smirks, and i wonder if he can see me in his peripheral vision, or if he is just looking out the window. I dont care. It was worth it. I sit back down, then hear him come out of the bathroom and over to the coffee machine. So I print something real quick and head over to the printer. Then what do I do? I stretch. I’m leaning back and my shirt pops up. Why do I do this? I don’t know. I can feel him watching me and in my head I’m going “Really, Dana? Really??” Sometimes I do or say shit and I don’t know where it comes from. Obviously, I am trying to show off in some way. I turn to Scott and we only talk for a few minutes, and I tell him I’m tired, and I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not up for much conversation today, though I’m trying my best. I ask him if he drinks coffee too or just tea, and he says tea. He said he always gets the jasmine green tea but just tried the regular green tea and he’s not feeling it. He laughs and oh, my dear heart. His laugh always makes me melt, but he’s never actually laughed in such close proximity to me and it makes me so happy. Idk why I am this way with someone I don’t even know, but it just is. 

As I leave for the day, I stop at the end of the hall to put my gloves on, and guess who finally freaking leaves on time for once? Scott. I don’t even hear him walking till he’s only a few feet from me, and he has his sunglasses on with a smirk on his face. We say hey and he tells me to have a nice weekend. Then, as he’s exiting the doors, I guess he thinks to actually hold the door for me. He lets me pass and I thank him. So, no date, but I wasn’t getting my hopes up. He said he was busy this weekend, and honestly it’s probably for the best since I am so exhausted from such a draining and heartbreaking week.

I keep feeling like no progress is being made because I’m not where I want to be with him, but I know that’s not true. We literally just actually started having conversations and we are both trying to find common ground and things to talk about, which of course can only get easier with time and continuing to talk to each other. We talked for so long on Thursday and I feel like that is pretty good progress. And he told me about his daughter, which I was not expecting him to do so soon. This week I want to flirt with him a bit more than just smiling, like if he has cologne on tell him he smells nice or compliment one of his hats that he always wears. I don’t want to plan it since I want it to be as genuine as possible, but I would mean it even if I did plan it, because so far I genuinely see so many things I could compliment him on, and not just physically, though I will save the other stuff for later on if I get that far. And before, we would barely see each other, maybe once a week or so, if even that. Or in my case at least, which I’ve explained in other posts. Then we went from just smiling, greetings, and byes to actual conversations. And now we cross paths several times a day. Every week is something new and I have to remember that even though it feels slow, it isn’t. 

I had some yogi tea yesterday, and the quote on the tea bag said “Let things come to you”, which was crazy because just moments before I was debating on whether I should just go for it and ask him out. So I think I will just have to be patient a little longer. I have such good feelings about him. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I honestly can’t help the amazing vibrations I’m having about him. I would honestly love to go out with him and I feel like I would have an amazing time no matter what we do. I’m so excited to see where this goes.

[survivoremathia]

Ep. 15 - "I REFUSE to be Wentworth'd" - Ali

JD

This puzzle really sucks and i like puzzles. It's going to be hard to fight with, might only get o e but i think i would have rather done the stairway to hell again, deep sigh. Never give up! Never surrender!! 

OWEN

Well that sucks lol. I'm a little peeved bc I don't really understand why idols could only be used until six if these things can still be used at five? I don't see the point unless it was just to make us think other stuff couldn't be used? Idk! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ im not the host so I guess I don't have to understand! This definitely makes things more difficult because I anticipate JD is going to beat me in immunity. I was playing just to finish it for personal reasons not necessarily to win immunity and now wow! So if JD wins then I guess Ill vote for Lydia and I need to tell JD that im doing that too to at least force a tie or something. And then next round would tie as well. Great!!!!!! I guess we will see what happens but lmao idk! Fun

ALI

Welp. That F6 vote? Did NOT go to plan. Gosh darn Owen! Why do you not want to follow my agenda? Why wont you just do things that'll benefit me and screw you over! :) It was the right move for him though, I should've handled that idol play much better. I could've saved Logan grr. I am SO pleased that they beat their survivor record, but I'm disappointed, as I feel like he was caught in the crossfire of people targetting me. Now, its time to fight. I've just gotta think 'Never Give In, Never Give Up, Never Surrender'. I will FIGHT for my place at the F3.

-

Developments. I am now in the Final Four! Whewwwwww! :) It was a bumpy ride though, weh. Like last night, I played the ring. Me and JD has discussed it somewhat beforehand, but I couldn't get ahold of her and had to go with my gut and play it. I just had to think W.W.J.D. (What would Jay-sus do). Now that Owen has won immunity, I feel like my dream F3 has been dismantled :/ Like Logan is gone, which I'm so sad about and I'm so afraid JD will go next. She has been my number 1 since day 1 and I would hate for her to go :/ I have two plans now. 1) If JD goes, I have to aim to go F3 with Trydia. I don't think Lydia gets many votes, as those who'd vote her, would vote for Trevor and I could present myself as the opposite to Trevor, as a strong social threat (Trevor has burnt some bridges) 2) If JD stays, I aim for a JD + Lydia F3. If I can pull that off, that'd be amazing whew. But, I've made F4 which is truly truly phenomenal! :)

OWEN

I CSNT remember when I last made a confessional but I'm yay I did the puzzle!!! It was worth it to stay up all night and do it bc if JD had gotten immunity with ali's stupid final five power or whatever that would have been not good!!!!! Wow. Anyways I want to vote out JD and then hopefully I can win the next immunity too and send out Ali. A final three of me Lydia and Trevor would be good idk we will see! I lowkey think I have a pretty good case to beat Ali so Idk if something weird happens I guess I could vote for Lydia with Ali and Trevor and Lydia would vote for me and I'd do a tiebreaker against Lydia. But hopefully I can just beat him at immunity anyways. Also for some reason apparently Ali told Lydia that JD has an idol?? I don't think it's true but idk. Legit if JD has some idol that can be use this round when all of the others could only be used last round I'm not doin it anymore like I'd walk in a heartbeat if that happened bc it makes literal zero sense. The hosts aren't bad and it would literally be awful and pointless and djdjdj Idk! Idk. That's why I don't think it's true. Y'all know better than that and Ali is just reaching. Like if literally everything in the game had to be used by f6 besides a ring that jd-Ali had and an idol they had I would probably die that is the most riggt thing I can imagine. So I'm not really afraid of this "idol" but nice try Ali I guess

ALI

Well, I made F4 WHEWWWWWW! Its hugely dampened by JD going however. I need to do this for her now. My allies have fallen, but I'm still fighting! Its been such a bumpy ride, my dream F3 has disintegrated, everyone wants be gone, the other three in the F3 are a final three, but I'm still fighting! 

-

Yikes. The issue with me saying 'Owen more like no win' is that Owen literally wins at F3? I think Trydia are so decided on getting me out, that I might need to win immunity and force their hand. I think I may've made some headway with Lydia, but that might be her pretending that. The issue is, to persuade them, I have to degrade my own game and thus, I need to prepare my counter-arguments, in case I'm blessed with a place at F3. I may've given the ammo to load their guns, but I have cannons aimed right at them too! For a F3, right now, I'd vote Owen over Trevor and then Trevor over Lydia. But, I have different arguments for each of them. In my opinion, the best option for each of them (the vote I can most likely persuade them on), is that Lydia should vote off Trevor, but I'll try and convince Owen as plan B, and Trowen should vote one another (dunno how likely that'll be! :)). I dunno, I'll try and find a way! :)

OWEN

I feel pretty good about this challenge. Mostly all I have for right now is work tomorrow and like an escape room thing for my friend but if I can get a super good lead tonight then I shouldn't have to worry too much about tomorrow. I really feel like I probably need to win it though. It's easy for Lydia to decide I'm a bigger threat than Ali and clock me. Plus, if Ali wins then idk what I'll do! This challenge doesn't seem like Lydia or Trevor's forte so hopefully I can pull it off. It's do or die time. And I'll worry about finals once I'm there, but for now I need to focus on this!

ALI

I REFUSE to be Wentworth'd. I need to win this challenge, so I need to beat Owen (the main threat). I am determined to dance, write a story, pose in a toga. ANYTHING I need to do to make it :)

-

I'm making some progress. I'm pitching a Trydia + Moi F3 to Trevor. I think that's his best shot. If I win the immunity, I'd probably get rid of Trevor, but if I don't have that luxury, I'll take any seat I can get! :)

OWEN

High key pissed I rushed home from work and paid for an uber and everything and then I like djdjdjdj only one task was posted the entire two hours I was actually there?? Sooo I CSNT do anymore I'm done for. Ali is gonna win. :\ sucks 

ALI

I AM DEAD. I... ACTUALLY WON. THIS CAN'T BE REAL. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. Also, people that have been being super vague when it comes to the vote are FINALLY talking to me lmao! :) I wrote a short story about cockroaches for the challenge and it seems like we have three of them mwahahahaha :) I DON'T MEAN THAT REALLY. I love them three. Its been a bumpy ride, but I love all three of them! :) I AM IN THE FINAL THREE THOUGH. THIS IS INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE. (insane in the brain)

OWEN

So last night I tried to get both Trevor and Ali to vote for Lydia instead of me but after sleeping on it I'm content with my position in the game. I told Ali to just vote me out. I know it's kind of seen as giving up, but the only other option I have is tying with Trevor and doing a tiebreaker and I'm pretty sure I would beat him at it... I am an extremely competitive person. I don't give up. I fight until I win or I lose. But I think the journey I've had in this game is testament enough to the type of player I am. From the very first vote I've been in a position of control. I decided to vote Linus out. I decided to turn on Jay. The Matt vote was supposed to be someone else until I talked to the right people. I completely turned the target from Duncan to Sam at final nine, and at both final seven and six I was a deciding vote to go against Ryan and then Logan. I've made plenty of moves and navigated myself out of situations where my back was against the wall and I don't think anybody else in this game was able to do that. And I think if I tied with Trevor and beat him and went to the end with Ali and Lydia, I could win. It's right there for me. But it comes at the expense of someone else who I truly love and care about, and I can't do that. Coming into this game with Trevor I expected that it would turn into us against them and that one of us would be a causality along the way. Instead it's turned into a kind of personal struggle I think, whether it's me versus Trevor or me versus myself in a way. Trevor has played really well (maybe not as good as me hahahahaha @trevor :~) ) and it's tough because I am proud of him just like I'm proud of me. He always tries hard and he seems to come up short a lot of the time and it doesn't really thrill me to think that I could crush his chances when I know it means just as much to him as it means to me. We both want to win the game. But the difference is that I've been there before. I've won. And he hasn't. And so I've come to this conclusion that like.... I've won on my own terms before and I've had success and I've lost games because I was the biggest threat, but the one thing I haven't done is LOSE on my own terms as well, and I think this is a good way for me to give up something in order to benefit somebody that I care about who is equally deserving. This decision doesn't make me a bad player. It doesn't discredit the things I've PROVEN I could do. I manipulated most of the players here. I am proud of my game. Stepping down at the final four doesn't make me any worse of a player and it doesn't make this story of mine have a bad ending. If anything, it's a testament to the type of person I hope to be. I'm leaving 3-1 tonight and I want it to be that way because I am confident that this is how the story ends. And I've still got some manipulation left to do workin' that jury to vote for Trevor!!! :~) Thank you guys for a...UNIQUE experience. I had a lot of fun and it was refreshing to have some control in a game after the last couple I played went horribly out of my grasp. I love y'all!

ALI

Well, I would've wanted Trevor out tonight, but Lydia and Owen aren't gonna vote him grrr. I feel like if I pitch it right, I could (?) have a shot at this. My plan is to play up that I did well in all aspects. Competitions: Won the joint most, Trydia didn't win any Social: My social game is my strong suit, so I need to highlight that Strategic: Eddie/Ryan votes especially, generally involved in votes during middle to late merge. I'm so pumped to have made F3 though. Little old me, who'd have thunk it?

LYDIA

I was trying for like an hour Saturday night to convince Trevor to vote me out instead of Owen IF Ali won immunity.  I'm being forced to go to this ftc. I don't want too.  Here are the reasons why: 1) I'm so tired.  Half my inactivity is cause of my new job and ugh the idea of having to write like an opening, and read peoples shit and omg no thanks. 2) I'm scared of ftcs.  It's a deeply rooted fear, caused by getting my ass dragged over and over.   3) It'd be so much more interesting to see the three boys fight it out.  I'm not usually a menist, but I just feel like I'm emotionally checked out and am not gonna fight for it. 4) My resume is this game is a joke.  I mean I helped Trevor and Owen, and tried to get myself in a good spot to make moves, but kept getting fucked over. 5) I love to write a jury speech for all of these three boys cause I have very different but interesting relationships with them, and have lots of thoughts about their games that are never gonna be expressed.   Also I feel like it makes sense for Trevor to vote me out because it might split the Ali/Owen votes enough that maybe he could get majority.  I feel like this ftc won't even be a competition, which is cool I love Ali, but I also want a good ending so. Fuck it. 

ALI

I sorta wanna do a final wrap up of the jury, before the craziness of FTC, just based on my thoughts of playing with them. 1. Rob- I really regret not pushing for him to stay at his vote out. I think he's sweet and I hope we can stay in contact! :) 2. Isaac- Loved him. Wish we could've spoken more 3. Matt- Yikes! Really liked working with him, voting him out was purely a game move. Hope we can stay friends 4. David- Didn't especially talk to him, someone stole my 'robbed' line from the Rob vote in their vote for him :) 5. Sam-  SO sad when he went. Maybe my lowest point game wise/ when I felt most out of the loop. Loved meeting him. 6. Duncan- In some mid-merge confessionals, I said some things about him 'lacking socially'/ being patronizing or something. In reality, that was just my pride, being annoyed that he'd given me (correct) advice, on things I was doing wrong. In reality, he was being helpful, and I was just too proud to accept useful advice. I retract all that I said about him needing to improve socially! :) Really liked him too, hope we can stay in contact, when the pressures of the game are over. 7. Ryan - Tea Time with Ryan was, in hindsight, iconic. Loved forming a relationship with him, after he dragged the whole tribe. Can see the experience he has as a veteran player, and why he is so scary! 8. Logan- UGH. WHY DID HE HAVE TO GOOOOOO. I loved talking to him, after our rocky swap start, to the merge. So happy to see him beat his survivor record and he is in my top 3 favourites from this game! :) 9. JD- RIP. THOSE TWO VOTES WERE ROUGH. My dream F3 being shattered and my two favourites going home back to back was... no good. Really loved meeting her, wanna 10000000% stay in contact. I think, at one point, I said something too, about her not thinking strategy moves through. I take that back too, as it was me being reluctant to leave Trydia behind, and she was more ready than me (she was right) 10. Owen. Owen, who deserved to O-win. I still don't fully get why he wouldn't vote Trevor, when Trevor was voting him, but anywho. Loved talking to him too, and it was a shame he became such a threat woomph. Being in a F4 with a couple and a trio of best friends meant the F4 vote was kinda tricky!

LOGAN

I'm popping in for a cameo to say I love Jay