#got chomped by a kraken

[astoundingbeyondbelief]

Kaiju Week in Review (June 25-July 8, 2023)

I picked a bad time to skip a week lol

Ultraman Blazar, the 35th entry in the Ultra Series, has made the scene. Episode 1 throws us right into a battle between humanity and a space monster. Blazar's the pushy type, all but forcing Gento to transform, but he doesn't speak Japanese—just yowls. For now, that makes him the show's central mystery. The show's defense team, SKaRD, won't actually form until the next episode, at which point we should have a better sense of it. But I'm intrigued so far.

Free streaming TV service Pluto TV has added a Godzilla channel. It boasts, or should soon boast, all of the Japanese Godzilla films minus King Kong vs. Godzilla and Shin Godzilla, plus Rodan, all the Mothra movies, The War of the Gargantuas, Godzilla (1998), and Godzilla: The Series. A Blu-ray.com user has composed a detailed rundown of the versions of the films used—short version, nothing we haven't seen before apart from a few small changes.

I got to see Ruby Gillman, Teenage Kraken before its official June 30 release date thanks to Regal's Monday Mystery Movie series. I guess I didn't retain much memory of the trailer, because it surprised me how early in the film the title character first grew into a kaiju. I can't give it an especially enthusiastic recommendation—comparisons to Luca and Turning Red are inevitable and don't flatter Ruby at all. But I get a kick out of seeing kaiju in such alien territory as a hyperactive animated kids' movie, and they continue to show off their flexibility as metaphors (Ruby is plainly neurodivergent). 7 outta 10.

Nimona dropped on Netflix the same day, and that's one anyone reading this column should sprint to watch. It saves its kaiju for the third act, and I've held off on posting much about that part of the story yet, but trust me, Ishiro Honda would be proud.

After years of lackluster Gorgo home video releases, Vinegar Syndrome seems poised to finally do it right in 4K Ultra HD. (If you're like me and don't have a way to watch such discs yet, don't worry, it comes with a Blu-ray.) New scan, new audio commentary, special features both new and old, and a killer cover. For those unfamiliar with the company, note that this release is "only available on [the Vinegar Syndrome] website and at select indie retailers. Absolutely no major retailers will be stocking them."

Every episode of Chibi Godzilla Raids Again is now subtitled, a fine excuse to get acquainted with one of the Reiwa era's biggest surprises. No stakes, no budget, just a bunch of Toho's biggest stars acting like a bunch of fools.

There's always more Godzilla toy news than this column can hope to cover, but a few highlights:

Bandai's ever-expanding Movie Monster Series will release Gamera 1965, Gyaos 1967, and Battra larva later this month. The defunct Daiei Kaiju Series last offered a Showa Gamera in 2006, and never covered any of his foes from that era; here's hoping Gyaos is the first of many.

Hiya Toys now has the license to produce figures from the Toho Godzilla films, not just the Monsterverse.

Super7 will be selling ReAction figures of Godzilla chomping some helpless people on a subway train at San Diego Comic Con. They just get it (and hopefully the many of us who aren't going will have some way of getting it that doesn't involve scalpers).

The new unit in Godzilla Battle Line is Monster X/Keizer Ghidorah. The former evolves into the latter after his first death. Keizer is a heavy hitter with a twist: he regains 20% of his health with every defeated foe. Great against swarms, but you don't see too many of those these days.

Believe it or not (many are still in denial), but Pacific Rim turns 10 on Wednesday. Thankfully, per this Tweet from director Guillermo del Toro, the effective start of the Kaiju Renaissance (and one of my all-time favorite films) won't go unrecognized on its first big anniversary. I'm guessing a cast reunion?

More translations from Noah Oskow await on Toho Kingdom, these a collection of synopses of early versions of Godzilla vs. Mothra, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II, and Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla from the Toho DVDs. Much of this has been translated in greater detail already, but the later drafts are interesting.

[iri-scrublord]

Okay, little late to the party here, sure, but thought I'd give my thoughts on this. I've been to the ROM before, thought that they were closed down to finally fix that giant ramen bowl that went off axis a few months ago after that earthquake. Nope, they were turning it into an arena.

...Let the record show they did also fix the ramen bowl.

Chirpy Chips is back, I know someone who's going to be over the goddamn moon about that. I feel like the Harmony branding was a little heavy in the video? Like...there's other people in the band guys come on, they run a store and suddenly they're goddamn royalty?

SO fucking glad to see Bluefin back in circulation. Never got to play it obviously (only really got to start playing post-special de-recall), but I always thought it was a sick as hell map. Can't wait to see what changes they make to it. I see elevators, that's pretty cool. Only really see that in Salmon Run and (sorry) Saltspray.

Okay now for what I actually goddamn care about and what the two people (probably not even that) that follow me follow me for: weapon shit

No new weapons hey what the fuck's with that

At least none I saw? Usually these guys are chomping at the bit to show us brand new shit, there was the Dread Wringer and the Heavy Edit I forgot to talk about last time that were both sick as hell, maybe I'll make a post about them later.

There's some new kits? I can't be fucked to figure out what's what, friend tells me that the new S-Blast has goddamn Burst Bomb which is HUGE if true

But that's not the big thing here the big thing here is the

Splattercolor Screen

This thing kinda scares me, and not really in the way it'll affect the meta. It seems like another HP special shield. Like a fuckin' souped up Tenta Brella. As if the Tenta Brella shield isn't souped up enough already, but hey that's why it's a special.

No, what terrifies me is what it does to your goddamn EYES-

how the hell does it do that how the hell is this legal how the hell is this legal and my weapon mods aren't

fuck you squidforce fuck you squidforce fuck you squidforce this is going to be Kraken v1 all over again mark my fucking words

accept my fucking mod prints you cowards

[shandzii]

mer AU dumpp

[squidsavior]

The afternoon vibes took over Blue as she was becoming sluggish that she wanted to do nothing. Until she got a call from her old pal, Craig. Who asked her to arrive at the hideout spot that Cecil, Marie, and Callie hung around. As it was their current base of operations. Leaving the penthouse and taking their usual secret passage to Octo Canyon. She tied her hair up to make it a ponytail, and turned turquoise as it was the usual routine when entering ‘ Hero Mode ‘.

She sees Craig sitting on a pillow that is outside their hut. With his favorite crab cakes with some tea. Blue approaches him and he pats a spot with his cane in front of him. Wanting her to sit down with him. She shits down taking a crab cake and Craig pours a cup of tea for her.

“Aye, everything has been smooth sailing since we’ve returned from our trip.”

“It sure has and well things have gotten better for me since I managed to finally connect with my family again.”

“That’s good news to hear, amigo. Listen, there’s something important I want to ask of you. I think it’s almost time for me… to pass down my title.”

“Your title? Title as captain?”

“Haha! That’s right.” He taps the agent’s shoulder with his old weapon that he uses as a can. “As you can obviously see with your good ol’ Kraken eyes. That while I’m frail and my body is turnin’ into a prune. As you kiddos would say. I believe you’ve shown tons of potential as a leader. And from the things I’ve heard about your new team. It shows.”

“Cap’n-”

“You don’t need to call me Cap’n anymore.” He takes off his hat and puts it on the agent’s head. “You’re now Cap’n of this platoon.”

This feeling of responsibility was different, from the feeling of what it was like to lead a team. Retro Blues was something more fun and competitive for a sport. But leading a secret platoon of people, picked up someone that was seventeen at the time. Seemed strange.

“Why me, Craig? You should give this role to Marie or Callie… they’ve been involved with this longer than I have. I’ve only been here only a couple of years compared to Agent 1 and 2.”

The old cuttlefish sighs, taking a sip of his tea. “I’ve seen what you could do out there for myself. And the time together that we had during our trip.” The old creature wonders to himself. Maybe, it’s about time to spill the beans. “Even though, despite the want, that is wanting to take revenge on the machine that was the Octomaw. After what happened to your friend… I saw it happen.”

“Well yes— wait. You’ve seen what happened to Goldie and me?! This entire time you saw what was happening?!” Her body’s appearance changed to her monstrous form as her emotions jumped and took control. Patches of her skin turned blue. “This entire time! You could have helped us from almost getting mauled or could even warn us about the danger that was coming to us! But you… I bet you did absolutely nothin’ to help us.”

Craig looked at her dead in the eyes, he has been through war and back. He didn’t fear the sight of death. And has seen her become this way before… but it seemed like the effects have changed. Since the last time, she used Kraken. In her humanoid form.

“That is partly right. I’ve been watching you two the entire time… but the moment that the Octomaw showed up. I was astonished and knew I couldn’t really do much to help. As it was too late by the time he chomped… I felt absolutely hurt that you had to see that for your eyes. You weren’t ready for these moments of the truth of what’s hiding underneath the surface of the city.”

“...But yet you choose me anyway to help you… You turned me away or-”

“Yes, it seemed like the easiest option for you to agree to help us. But thinking about it more and more— and how I wasn’t able to help you. Made me realize that… I’m losing my touch as a leader. And seeing how much you’ve learned and well now me dropping the truth. I believe you’ll be better as the leader than me.”

The patches of blue remained on her skin, as she got up keeping the cap. “Fine, I’ll be captain. I’ll do better than you.”

“Captain 3, please sit down. I believe there is more going on that I’m unaware of. That you haven’t told me about.”

She takes a deep breath and looks away from Craig.

“I told my family about me being Agent 3, and everything has been going on. And hanging out with people that actually don’t care how I am. Made me realize a few things about Goldie. I didn’t take notice of the red flags that were forming. And now I’m wondering if maybe just maybe that-”

“If you’ve saved them, they would’ve stopped being a jackass to you?” “...yeah.” “Well, Captain. I can say you can still think about that but there’s also the idea. Were they actually your friend in the first place?”

“...he wanted me to change. Just for his liking and because I wasn’t cool enough. And said to me, I was such a freak for being me that-” A pause… he really wasn’t a friend, was he? He was changing, he became different.

“And did you change for him just for his liking right? Not for yourself and how you wanted to be? So… who do you want to be?”

The Inkling unties her hair that falls down to her neck.

“Me…”

[amintyworld]

fuck i didn't think this through i gotta get a new ao3 account for it before i can post it uh uh uh i am copy pasting the doc and praying

Ranboo Beloved was going to pass out.

It had been a VERY long evening at the gas station he worked at, and there were still another two hours left until he could go home. Groan. Taking the night shift truly was hell. He mumbled something about minimum wage groggily and grabbed a couple sodas to stuff in the fridge. As he stepped towards the back, he heard a sound from one of the aisles.

‘BANG!’

Ranboo jolted, then flipped around and ducked behind the aisle, dropping the sodas in his panic.

‘It's okay. I’m fine. I probably won’t die. Oh no what if I die. God, if I die, please look after Enderch-‘

“OI! BITCH! LITTLE HELP, HERE?”

He turned slowly into the area, making sure to grab a broom in case he needed self defense, only to see a boy, around his age, blond and covered head to toe in dirt, clutching an alarming amount of chips. “Grab a couple of these, would you.. What’s your name?”

“Oh! It’s.. um.. Ranboo!”

“Cool, now Ranboob, help me out with these crisps, would you?”

“That’s uh, not my name. Do you just want a cart?”

“NO! CARTS ARE FOR THE WEAK !! AND I AM A BIG MAN, I AM SIMPLY TOO POWERFUL FOR WEAK SHIT.”

“I- uh- yeah. Alright. Lemme just grab these and take em to the register..”

“No, Ranboob, you’re a fool. A fool and a coward and morally wrong. See, why would I buy them when I could do this magical little thing called stealing?”

“WHAT?? YOU CAN'T DO THAT,”

The kid (damn, Ranboo still needed to ask for his name) narrowed his eyes. “What, are you a pussy?”

“N- I’m not.. that, but I work here, so I can’t really let you steal.”

Realizing what this meant, the boy dropped the chips, but seemed to be sizing Ranboo up. He paused, then let out a sigh, reluctantly putting a few more back.

Ranboo took a look at the blonde. A real look, not just to be polite. He realized that his shirt was practically swallowing him whole, and his frame was alarmingly bony. Even his raggedy beanie looked too big on him. His blue eyes looked tired, like he hadn't slept in a week. Hmm. Ranboo relinquished the broom and stood up.

“What’s your name?” He asked, grabbing one of the chip packs back from the shelf.

“Tommy Careful Danger Kraken Detective Innit. But you can call me sir.

“What if I called you Tommy?”

“Hmm, tolerable.." the boy said with a half smile. He hopped off the ground where he was. "Alright, see you later, Boob Boy.”

“Boob- I. Okay. Alright-“

As he stuttered, the blonde (Tommy!) started to head out the front. As he passed the cash register, Ranboo hesitated.

“Wait!”

Tommy turned around to face him.

“Whatdayaneed?”

“Do you.. do you want a slushie? On the house?”

—————————

Ranboo Beloved wasn't doing too bad.

It had been a few weeks since that night. He had gotten a raise for ‘preventing’ a shoplifting (little did his manager know), and he’d found a friend in Tommy. He supposed it was his first real one, since toddlers who were related to him didn’t really count. Sorry, Micheal. Speaking of said friend, he was due for a visit. It was about the time of night that he normally dropped by for a free slushie and a fun conversation.

The bell rang from the door across from him. Right on time.

“Tommy! Hey! The usual?”

Tommy entered with grandeur, but seemed to be holding the soor for someone.

"Not yet, big man. I’ve got someone I want you to meet! Tubbo, c’mon, would you? We don’t have all night here,” he yelled, seemingly giving up on holding the door and walking to the register. He grabbed a bar stool to sit on.

As he said it, Ranboo saw someone poke their head out from the door. It seemed to be a kid a bit shorter than Tommy, with choppy bangs that covered his eyes and ears. He slid around the entrance and perched on the stool right before Tommy could sit down.

“You son of a bitch!” Tubbo gave him a shit eating grin in response. “Ranboo, the complete ass right here is Tubbo, he wouldn’t know good manners if they hit him in the face,”

“Says the one who tried to rob my store the first time we met,” Ranboo quipped, quirking an eyebrow up at the blonde.

Tommy shot him a glare, but he was holding back a smile as he replied, “Listen, you bastard, it’s not my fault you have a very robbable store,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Exactly what I said, your store is simply weak and easily robbed by big strong men such as myself,”

“Right, which is why I caught you and you immediately gave up,”

“I… you know, you haven’t introduced yourself to Tubbo-“

Ranboo smirked, knowing that he had won. “Hi Tubbo, I’m Ranboo,” he greeted, holding out a hand for the kid to shake.

Tubbo tilted his head at the hand being held up, and promptly chomped down with surprisingly sharp teeth.

“HOLY SH- SHOOT, OW?! DUDE!” Ranboo exclaimed, jerking his now bleeding hand back behind the counter.

“Tubbo, c’mon man, I thought we went over this..” Tommy sighed, glancing at the unhinged boy in question with exasperation. He shrugged in response, seeming to be guilty, but made no move to apologize or help Ranboo grab bandages.

Tommy scratched the back of his neck, looking sheepish. “Soooo, uh, how’s about those slushies, Big R?”

Ranboo sighed. Maybe he should’ve just let Tommy shoplift.

After wrapping his hand up, he grabbed two cups and filled one with Tommy’s usual: half cherry, half coke. When he got to the second, he spun around. “Hey Tubbo, what flavor do you want?’’

Tubbo looked caught off guard at being addressed. “..Surprise me.”

Ranboo grinned. He grabbed the cup, and filled it with his personal favorite: alternating layers of strawberry and lemon-lime. Then he bent over the counter and grabbed the secret ingredient in any good slushie, the tiny umbrella. He gingerly placed it, then popped straws in both of the drinks.

When he slid them to the boys, Tommy squinted at Tubbo’s. “How come Tubbo gets an umbrella? You never gave me one..”

"You never asked!" Ranboo teased, but he still grabbed another and plopped it in the icy mixture, much to the blonde's delight.

They chatted about whatever came to mind, with Tubbo occasionally adding a few words. (He seemed especially interested in hacking and explosions. Concerning, but Ranboo wasn't about to question it.)

After about an hour of goofing off, Tommy and Tubbo decided to say their goodbyes. Ranboo threw their now empty cups into the trash behind him, and they stood up, tidying the area and fixing the barstools. Tommy was the first to speak.

"See you later, Boob Boy! I'd thank you for the slushies, but it's you who should be grateful that you've gotten to spend the evening in my presence,"

Ranboo rolled his eyes, glad that he could tell when Tommy was just being dramatic. He really was grateful under all the fanfare. Probably.

"Yeah yeah, sure. Now get out of here before I have to report a slushie theft. It was nice meeting you, Tubbo."

Tubbo smiled at him, a real smile that didn't make Ranboo scared he was about to be bitten again, and headed out the door with Tommy following behind.

As they left, Ranboo realized that he still had another hour of his shift, and he hadn't even started with the sweeping. Crap.

—————————

"Tubbo, seriously! You could have blown our whole cover!"

Tommy was practically running to keep up with the smaller boy. After an excessively boring bus ride and a mile long hike, they had finally entered the forest. Now, they could talk about things that actually mattered without being seen.

"C'mon bossman, it was funny. Plus, what's the Ranboo guy gonna do? If he's really like you said, then we'll be fine,"

"I know, but STILL! You can't just go around biting people. What if someone else had come in?"

"Alright, alright, I hear you. I'll be more careful next time. How much longer do you wanna keep up the act?"

Tommy let out a sigh. "Not much longer. I think this is it, I really do. Ranboo's a good person, he can help us,"

"If you're sure."

Tommy simply smiled, ever so slightly. He was sure. He hadn't been sure about a human in a very long time, not since.. him. Hopefully Ranboo would be better. No, he would definitely be better. Yeah. For sure.

He didn't have any longer to ponder, though, since they had arrived.

Tubbo glanced back at him. "You ready?"

"Yeah."

With that, the two of them launched off the mossy ground and into the air, with shimmery wings sprouting from their backs. Finally. It was time to go home.

"I do have to admit, though, he makes a pretty good slushie. I liked the lemon lime."

-

it's not the best but like i tried and ill probably do more for it, im excited for when wilbur shows up

AWWWE I love it!!!!

Poor Ranboo has no idea what’s coming kekw-

Also the lil Failed affectionate nip I-

🥺

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #265

“all is fair in love and war, i’m still rotten to the core.”

What's the latest youtube channel you've discovered and binge-watched? Ha, a WoW channel that basically gives advice and tutorials on stuff. She doesn't have many videos, but she's pretty successful already and chill as hell. Kraken Latte. Does it snow where you live? Occasionally. Very rarely does the snow stick, though, because the ground will be too warm. Do you think your hair looks better long or short? Short. Do you look best with or without bangs? Bitch I loved my emo bangs fuck off. Well, they weren't technically bangs, my hair was just parted far to the left. Do you enjoy editing photos on your phone? Well, my phone doesn't have GREAT camera quality, but I usually do some subtle edits if I take a pic on it. What's your favorite thing to do on your phone? Play Pokemon GO REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Which season do you wish would last longer? Shit man, fall. At least here, the phase of colorful leaves is VERY short. Goes from green to totally bare in what feels like just a couple weeks. How many outdoor birthday parties have you had? Hell if I know. How much taller or shorter are you than your mom? We're the same height. Who is your favorite sibling? Lol wow that's mean. Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah. Do you like sushi? I've actually never tried it, but I'm quite certain I wouldn't like it. Have you ever tried seaweed? Actually yes, I believe in the 4th grade? We had I think authentic Japanese (or Chinese, idr) food, and I recall there being seaweed. I didn't like it. The only thing I liked was the white rice, I think. Do you have an actual pig-shaped piggy bank? No, but I think I may have as a kiddo. Did you dream of becoming famous as a kid? No. Have you ever been to a gynecologist? I actually haven't because I've always said I wasn't sexually active (back then it wasn't a conscious lie, I just genuinely didn't realize what we were doing was just shallow sex). I'm absolutely terrified to go anyway because I'm just very very very private about this sort of thing and honestly think I'll have a panic attack when I do have to for the first time anyway. Name three games that you are good at. Shadow of the Colossus, Silent Hill, World of Warcraft. What was your favorite board game as a kid? Ha ha, somehow, it was this shopping game called "Mall Madness." Veeeery unfitting of who I was and what I enjoyed as a kid. Do you get on Facebook every day? Pretty much. Did you watch the Kids Choice Awards when you were a kid? No. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Spice Girls, I think. Do you have memories that still make you cry? Yes. Have you made your own mask to help prevent the spread of the virus? No, considering I don't leave the damn house like ever. Do you know anyone who has the virus? Yes. Not personally, but distantly. Are you proud to be an American? (if applicable) Sometimes. What countries have you visited? I haven't left America. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No. How many true heartbreaks have you had in your lifetime? Romantically, I only consider one to be a *real* heartbreak. Have you ever cut yourself? Yeah. Do you feel like everything is falling apart around you? BOY DO I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Was your first kiss romantic? Yes. Do you miss any of your exes right now? My PTSD has been awful awful AWFUL the past few days, so yes. A lot. Have you ever overdosed on anything? Yes. What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her of course, but I'd also be very confused. She's made it clear she doesn't believe a relationship is the best idea for her right now. Who was your date to prom? Jason took me to his senior prom, and I took him to mine. Do you still talk to your first love? No, I haven't spoken to him in over three years now. Wow. Whose wedding did you go to first? I don't remember. I'm sure it wasn't the first, but ONE of the earliest that I do remember was when my friend Summer's mom got remarried. He sadly passed away a long while ago though. Are you ashamed of anyone you've dated in the past? Tyler, yes. It was so pointless and a "let's see how this goes" versus a "I really like this guy and really want this relationship" thing. I honestly think I only said yes to dating because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I was lonely. What about anyone you've been friends with? There were certainly times it felt very weird calling Colleen my best friend with how bitchy she could be. Especially when you consider how non-confrontational I am, while she charged like a goddamn bull into arguments. Have you ever made out with someone in a pool? Uhhh I think that one night when I lived at the apartment and it was just us out there late at night. He and I went back inside before Jacob and Amanda TO hardcore make out because we both way too obviously wanted it so I wouldn't be remotely surprised if we snuck in some action at the pool oof. Who’s the last person that slept over your house? Sara. Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? Yes. Have you ever kissed someone with a tongue ring? No, I was the person with the tongue ring. I actually took it out a little while back because I was tired of accidentally chomping down on it when eating and chipping teeth. I'd already told myself if I did it one more time I would, and especially right now, we can't afford to keep filling cavities that have come from it. I don't at all regret getting it and it'll always be one of the cutest piercings I think I've ever had, but it was just time for it to come out. Is it hard for you to get over a lover? I THINK I'VE MADE THAT!!!!!!!!!!! O BVIO US S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever tried making someone jealous? Not to my recollection. Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? Both of us really, but she initiated the breakup, you could say. Who is the last person you flirted with? Sara. Who's the most racist person you know? Jesus Christ, I live in the South. I know dozens of racists. I guess the worst is uhhh OH the aforementioned Colleen, holy fucking shit. I highly highly highly doubt that has changed at all since we last associated with each other. If you could be a film character, who would you be? Let me be Alice Liddell. Crunchy peanut butter or smooth? Smooth is the only way to go with pb. Would you rather always be in a crowd, or be the only person on earth? "Always be in a crowd. It wouldn’t be fun, but I think it’d be better than being that alone." <<<< This. I legitimately think I'd wind up killing myself in the other case. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Why? "Rich, because...what’s the point of being famous if you’re not rich? Just everyone knowing all of your business?" <<<< Also this. Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the top or the bottom? "I start off from the top until it gets used enough that I have to squeeze up from the bottom." <<<< Lemme just steal all this person's answers lmao. How many children do you want? Girls or boys? None, but if I was to have kids, I'd definitely want a girl. Is there a story behind your name? What is it? No. What was one of the most fun things you and your college roommate did together? I didn't have a college roommate. Well wait no, during my first college attempt is when I lived w/ Jason, Jacob, and Amanda. I'd honestly prefer to not think too hard back on it to answer this. Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? I don't even have a bank account. Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? Yeah, multiple. Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? Pads or tampons, nah. I'd feel awkward buying condoms though. Are your parents gullible? Dad probably is; he has very little common sense. I got it from him lmao. Mom, heeeeell no. Do you still own a VCR? No. What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? It's black. No. Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? All three do. Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? Younger. Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? Yeah. How often do you drink Monster? Never, because I don't like it. Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? HAHA I was a cringy teen once, my friends. Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? Inside. I feel safer. Do you own a nightgown? No, I haven't worn those since I was a kid. Have you ever worn fishnets? Fishnet gloves. I WISH I could pull off fishnet pants. Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? In times like THESE???????? Bitch I wanna go eat out at a yummy restaurant. Do you always wear your seat belt? ABSOLUTELY. I get so stressed out when I see people not wearing one. Have you ever liked someone much older than you? Not much older. Have you ever been in a play? Just school ones as a kid. Is there ice cream in your freezer? No, but there's popsicles from when I couldn't get my tongue ring out and it was massively swollen and in terrible pain. Thank God I finally got it out. Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? Probably. Does your bathroom have a window? Yeah, but it's very small and up kinda high. Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? I used to, but I don't anymore. I just leave them be. Do you believe prayer really works? Nope. Have you been on a date in the park? No. Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? A whole. Fucking. Lot. To just name a few, depression, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, diabetes... Do you have asthma? No. Last person to take off your pants, besides you? Jason. Least favorite alcoholic drink? Mother of God, this white wine I tried at Colleen's forever ago. It was fucking repulsive. How did you meet the last male you texted? I mean I literally came from his balls so like Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? Ha ha yeah, the one I've always had. It's not very adult-ish or "serious"-sounding, but I don't want to change it now. Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? Left. I squeeze with my right. Do you have a bull ring through your nose? No, I don't feel that would look good on me. Do you and your dad get along? Yes. When was the last time you did clay work/pottery? My last year of art in high school. I made an anatomical heart for Jason. I wonder a lot if he still has it after how much work I put into it. Do you like art, hate it or just not mind it? I adore art. The world would be so much more boring without it. If you had to choose would you prefer dull pain for 12hours or sharp for 2? Ew, dull. Two hours with sharp pain sounds awful. Do you know the words to the national anthem of your country? Yeah. Would you rather be a Model, Famous Scientist, Singer or Chef? Scientist, probably. I'd love to be a biologist anyway, and that's a type of scientist. Would you rather be a pilot, crime scene investigator or estate agent? Ohhh, crime scene investigator. Does making others happy really make you feel happy? Yes! Did you ever swear at a teacher in school? Why? No. Have you ever pricked your finger on Holly or another ‘sharp’ plant? Yeah. Have you ever written your own short story? Yes. What about a novel? Or perhaps you started and couldn’t finish? "I started writing several novels, but abandoned them all." <<<< Same yo. Either of the above, if this was the case, place short synopsis here: The first one was about a very close meerkat family, divided into elemental "breeds," and the prince falling in love with another of his kind. His father had a stray brother who constantly aimed to destroy the family, but he was converted towards the end. That's all I can really remember about that one. There were others like two species of animals I made also falling in love, despite being predators and prey of each other, and fulfilling some sorta prophecy with their offspring. The other two I recall- yo fuck it I keep remember more and more okay I wrote a LOT. Do you prefer SciFi/Fantasy/Action/Horror or Rom/Com/RealLife? I'm guessing you mean in books, given the last three questions? I have a strong preference for fantasy. What do you have a lot of faith in [note: can be anything]? Hell if I know. Would you rather have a big house, a lot of kids or a high flying job? High flying job, easily. I don't want kids, nor do I need a large house, especially considering I hate cleaning even this tiny one. Have you ever been to a creepy/haunted/abandoned place? Yeah. What did it look like and what were the circumstances? It was this really old, mostly dilapidated shack full of cool stuff. It was by the field near our old house. Me, my sister, and our friend hung out there and explored all the time until this freaky woman showed out and told us we shouldn't be there. Do you know a Jack? What’s he like? Yeah. I don't him that well though, so idk. How about a Lisa? What’s she like? Yeah, she's one of my WoW friends that I've become really close with. She is an absolute sweetheart, but talks about herself way, way too excessively to the point it's hard to have a conversation sometimes. I know she doesn't realize it, though. When you have children, would you like twins? I say enough that I don't even want kids, SO FUCK NO. Do you know any twins? If so, what are they called? Yes. Tyler and Taylor. I know others, but idr their names. What personality trait does nearly everyone in your family seem to have? We're stubborn as all fuck hell. Do you have any nicknames that aren’t derived from your actual name? Yeah, some online ones and then my mom has called me "Twinkie" since I was a baby. Do you have any allergies? Yeah, of pollen and silver. What is the longest your hair has ever been? To or maybe even past the small of my back. Have you ever been on a blind date? No, not my jam. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it? I really don't kn- oh yes I do. I have these oooold old thin and sewn-back-up-fifty-times Batman pj pants from when Jason and I were together, so maybe like... seven years? Thanks PTSD, I'm attached to them because Batman was his thing. How often do you eat out at a fancy restaurant? Just about never. Nutella or peanut butter? UGGGGGHHHHH I've been on a nutella thing lately. Have you ever hosted a wild party? Definitely not. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it? Wings of Fire: The Lost Heir by Tui Sutherland. Yes, it was very good. How many of your Facebook friends do you actually hang with? Besides my immediate family, like... none anymore. Have you ever donated blood? Yes. From 1-10, how much do you like decorating for holidays? This is hard to gauge. I've never seriously done it myself, and I don't really have the motivation to do it just to take it all down a month or so later. I love it in concept, but yeah. Favorite animated Disney character? Probably Kiara from TLK2. Have you ever cooked a big family meal by yourself? Ha, no. Favorite winter activity? TAKING PICTURES IN THE SNOOOOOOOOW. Do you consider rapping singing? I mean I guess? Does your home have a fireplace? No. Do you listen to any religious music? No. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite? Ugh... soda is my weakness. I'd probably lose weight easier if I just stopped drinking it. Mountain Dew Voltage is my favorite, and I've also been on a serious strawberry Sunkist thing lately. How easily do you cry? I cry very, very easily. Can you handle spicy foods? What is your spice limit? Oh yeah. The only way I know how to gauge this one is that I enjoy the "hot" sauce at BWW lol. I've actually kinda cut back on HOW much I enjoy it, though; like I'm more into enjoying my food thoroughly lately than the adrenaline of spicy food. What day of the week is laundry day for you? I personally don't do the laundry because Mom prefers to just do ours together, so. It varies, I think. Have you ever played spin the bottle? No. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer? If so, what are they of? Not on mine, but the one I currently have to use has tooons. I don't feel like looking at the lid trying to list what they are tho. How often do you say "y'all?" It's pretty much in my normal vernacular due to where I live. Do you believe in evolution? Yes. I have questions and curiosities about it, but when you consider how truly short it has been since considerable natural selection has been observed, why couldn't it exist on a bigger scale? Do you live in an apartment or a house? I live in a house. How long have you been at your current job? I'm unemployed. Have you ever ended a romantic relationship? Yes. Phrase you say the most? Probably "oof" lmao. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same gender? If so, did you like it? Yes and yes. Have you ever given anyone CPR? No. Have you ever learned to do anything from a how-to video on YouTube? Yes, mainly just editing stuff. Have you ever auditioned for a reality competition show? No. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show? No. I've been at hockey games with Dad, but I don't consider those "TV shows." Have you ever given money to a street performer? I've never even seen one. Do you own any homemade clothing? Not that I know of. Have you ever bought anything from a flea market? Yeah, decorations 'n trinkets and stuff. I love flea markets. Have you ever quit a job? Yes. Are your birth parents together? No. Do you or have you ever worn glasses? I've worn glasses for years now. Have you ever been broken up with? AKA died in spirit? :^) Have you ever been the victim of a nasty prank? Not to my recolleciton. Favorite fandom? Y'all been known, the Markiplier fandom is a goddamn family. Can you surf? No. What motivates you to do well in life? The knowledge that I've most likely only got one life to make something of. How lucky do you consider yourself? I mean, ALL things considered, I'd say I'm at just below the baseline, maybe? I mean I could be homeless or dying of malaria or something. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? No. Favorite summer activity? Swimming! Have you ever lived on a farm? No. I wanted to for years as a little kid, though. How often do you get mad at yourself? I've lately been in an almost constant state of anger regarding myself, honestly. Have you ever gotten any stitches? Yes. Favorite YouTube channel? The Marker Plier guy. Do you have a pool at your house? No. Last thing that made you laugh? Something on Game Grumps. Earbud or earmuff headphones? Earbuds. Earmuffs hurt my head and ears. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman? Yes. Have you ever gotten a New Year’s kiss exactly at midnight? I don't think so. Have you ever voted for a reality competition show? The only time I did that I remember is when Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. won America's Got Talent. I adored him and voted like mad. Does anyone in your family currently serve in your country’s military? Ummm maybe distantly? I don't know anyone off the top of my head. Are you comfortable with watching rated R movies? Well yeah.

[djinmer4]

Lord of the Rings (Ultimate AU)

“Hey, do you remember this?”  Kurt typed in a few commands in the Danger Room control center and the room shifted into a lush temperate forest.  Kitty looked around.  She patted a few trees, scuffed the ground underneath her and dipped one hand in the water.  “Everything looks good,” she said.  “The updates pushed through fine.  And no, I don’t remember this?  Should I?”

Kurt teleported out, leaving the control room empty.  Kitty had a brief image of Jamie freaking out, reminding them to always have a spotter.  The German bamfed in front of her, dressed in a cosplay outfit.  “Fair Kitten, the dragon will not breathe another breath of hellfire as long as your trusted Legolas-”

“Oh, this scenario,” Kitty sighed.  It had been a long time since they’ve done this before she had even gotten together with Peter.  Back when Piotr and Kurt had still been friends.

“No nostalgia for you?”

“I’ve always liked Eowyn more than Arwen.  The films haven’t changed my opinion.”

“Is that why you didn’t want to be rescued?”

“No, I didn’t want to be rescued because I had a lot of homework that evening.  Aaannddd I don’t like being a damsel in distress.  I’d rather rescue myself.”

“Oh.”  He fiddled with the bow and arrows he had brought.

“Don’t let me stop you if you want to play.  I’ll watch from the control room.”

“But it’s pointless if you’re not here.”

“Kurt . . . “

“I know.  I’m sorry.  It’s just . . . I wondered if we could go back to those days.  Before I screwed everything up.”

“We can’t.  Time moves in one direction only and without the knowledge we have today, we wouldn’t do anything different so it wouldn’t be worth it.”  She settled on an illusionary stump.  “Why this scenario in particular?”

“Oh, um, when Piotr and I came up with it, it was an attempt at getting you to like me.”

She stared at him but he wouldn’t meet her eyes.  “You were trying to woo me by rescuing me from a fake dragon?”

“Umwerben?  Freien?  Is that what ‘woo’ means?”

“’Woo’ means to court someone.  To make someone partial to something or someone.”

“I guess so.  It clearly didn’t work but I thought there was some hope.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Well, you did call me cute when you left.  Piotr said that cute is good.”

“I suspect I was being sarcastic at the time.”  She stretched hands over her head and back arching.  “It wasn’t a bad idea.  But it was bad timing on your part.  I might have played along then if I didn’t have something more urgent to do.”

“You have some free time now.”

“You really want to get me in that stupid corseted dress, don’t you?”

“Well, you did look very good in it.”  He peeked at her from the side of his eyes (not that anyone would be able to tell).

“I don’t know about that.  That dress was itchy and uncomfortable.”

“Would it help if it’s not the same dress?”

She turned to look at him fully.  “Why are you so bound and determined about this?”

“It can’t be because I want to be a better person?”

“That wouldn’t explain why you feel the need to seek out my company all the time.  It’s one thing to make things up to Piotr and Alison.  I’m not one of the people you harmed.”

“I couldn’t stand the thought of you being out of my life. I just had to have you. You can understand my reasoning for that right?”

“No, not really.”  

“Let me put it this way.  We were friends before.  You’re one of the only people who are still willing to be friends with me.  And I’m in love with you.”

“I’m having a hard time believing it.”  Kitty sighed.  “I don’t want to think about this right now.  Give me the dress, but I’ll be damned if I stand in one place while you get to slay the dragon.”

The blue dress was easier to move in than that white frock.

“I think you set the difficulty too high.”

“Nein, nein.  I’ve got this,” panted Kurt, teleporting away from the dragon’s fiery breath.  “Just give me a few seconds to get in the right position . . . “

Kitty flinched as another blast went past her, just missing the pole she was tied to.  “Please hurry, it’s getting awfully warm in this pit!”

“Phase out then!”

“I can’t!  Your stupid orcs used adamantium chains to tie me up!”

Kurt absent-mindedly made a note that apparently Excalibur-Britain had adamantium chains as part of its inventory.  Learn something new every day.

He bamfed over the dragon’s head and tried to slice through his neck.  The sword rebounded of its scales and he was sent into an uncontrolled spin.  A quick teleport got him down on the ground and he rolled to a stop at Kitty’s feet.  “Great work, Legolas.”  She commented dryly.  “Now how are you going to kill that thing?”

“Why in the tried and true method that Tolkien’s dragon slayers used!”  He pulled out his bow.  The dragon opened its mouth and inhaled.  Carefully aiming, Kurt fired an arrow into the dragon’s mouth.  Or rather he tried to.  Of all the armaments Weapon XVII had ever mastered, bow and arrow aren’t any of them.  The shot ended up nowhere near the dragon’s mouth.  Not at all discouraged, Kurt pulled another one from the quiver and fired again.  Closer this time.

“Kurt, now would be a good time to use the override!”

“It’s under control, Katzchen!”  Shot after shot.  Finally, one hit, not into the dragon’s mouth but its eye.  It reared back and loosed a fiery beam into the sky, clawing at its face.  Rather than try that again, Kurt turned to Kitty and freed her, carefully teleporting a few links of the chain away so she could pull loose from the pillar.  “Don’t I get a kiss, madchen?” he teased.

“Ask me that after the dragon’s dead.”  Kitty helped herself to one of his swords.  “Get me up over his head.”

“As you wish!”  Kurt teleported them over the flailing dragon.  Kitty pushed away, increasing her density as she fell.  She’d been aiming for the other eye, but an errant movement pushed her away so she settled for landing on its back and slashing its wings to shreds.  Her movements were uncoordinated but at least she knew which end was which.

Grounded, the dragon continued to howl.  Kurt, who had bamfed back to the ground after letting go of Kitty, took it upon himself to start shooting arrows at it again.  Unfortunately, even immobilized and blind in one eye, the dragon was still quite dangerous.  It growled, then bit down, taking the indigo man in one bite.

“Kurt!”

The dragon paused.  Then it convulsed, writhing around and forcing Kitty to take to the air to avoid being hit.  As the last of the death throws subsided it fell to its flank and its mouth gaped open.  Inside, Kitty could see Kurt.  He’d stabbed upward with his other sword when the dragon had chomped down on him and managed to pierce its brain.  As he crawled away from the corpse, Kitty carefully stepped down to help him up.

“I think we’ve both had enough for today.  Next time let’s do something easier, like ‘Pirates of the Carribean’.”

“I don’t think fighting a kraken would be any simpler than fighting a dragon but otherwise good point.  Computer override, schmetterling.  End program: ‘Rescue the Princess’.”

Kitty glared at him when she heard the name.  Kurt just shrugged.  “Piotr picked it out, not me.  So now that the dragon’s dead . . . “

The younger girl burst out laughing.  “Have you seen yourself?  You’re covered in dragon brains!  Go take a shower and maybe I’ll consider it.”

Kurt put up a small amount of grumbling but inside he agreed with her.  He hadn’t expected Excalibur’s Danger Room to be quite so realistic.  He’d nearly lost his grip on the sword when the dragon snapped him up and started drooling on him.  The German couldn’t wait to get clean.

[eldricktobin]

“Man was gifted the spark of fire!”

Big long story made out of a dream below.

/So quench that fire not in any old beer./

*scene of a triumphant college team carrying their hero who looks at an empty spot in the onlookers before being carried to the lockerroom*

"Bitterlife(TM)? Not for us champions!" *the team pours the lesser brew into the toilet... knowing the other teams are doing the same, drinking it, or crying into their toilets.*

"Only Goodlife(TM) for winners!"

/Goodlife. The taste of victory!/

'So'

'No your son couldn't muster the right expression so we cut him from filming today. Want another go with him tomorrow?'

'No. One day or one week isn't going to reach him. He's a screw up,' says the man who was just playing victorious champion... a role he'd played for real not 4 weeks prior.

March Madness. So many dragons burnt to ash. Better them than us.

But why shouldn't man turn it into a celebratory spectacle? Hadn't we won the right? Just knowing how to kill the great beasts wasn't enough we still HAD TO DO IT OURSELVES.

Couldn't that boy understand?

And there's no reason he couldn't. There was no pet drake the family kept to keep the boy from feeling the spark without help. Hi mageblade, a symbol of his desire to not be killed ooffhand without a fight was as long and as shiny as his mother or fathers. Infact it sparkled in way their's did not.

He cheered himself hoarse just fine too. And he recounted the whole shebang to his mother with exuberance and precision as she couldn't attend due to guard duty as usual.

Of course as sacred a task as it was, the boy couldn't travel that road either. Your inner fire had to be ready to melt your bones, to do the same in an instant to any who would rob the sacred dragon parts stronghold... for those pieces too tenacious to just die. The spirits of the beasts obviously powering them long after their hearts had stopped beating. Every piece a threat to all human life should they not be ritually scorched daily to keep their sizes manageable.

No one wants to stare eye to eye ... and be little more than a tick on an eyelash... with a full grown continent devastator. A class that should never be met again. ertainly provided the schools kept vigilantly training and the youth gleeful or dutiful enough to lead their campuses towards the madness.

"Something wrong with the shoot?"

The gruff recent victor turned to the voice... then up to the face. Two of the heads regarded him with concern, the third pity. He knew why "Cerebus"'s third head always pitied man... currently himself... but man in general. It was just disconcerting. Pity from a dragon. Even a 'runt drake' as their classification ran. Butstill pity. Pity because man will be tortured for eons should the dragons. the true dragons rise back up. Big C here would just be consumed as a traitor and completely cease to be. Spirit extinguished to never blossom forth ever again.

And yet... pity for man. Or at least him. Maybe pity the boy was still a disappointment?

'Just...'

"Your son then?"

'They said he couldn't do something right again for the shoot. It's done now. Commercial is a go. No more reshoots. HUZZAH!'

"And yet you're not happy."

'Nope. I anted to look at him and see his smiling face. Proud of his dad. Not just that mask of horror that I could have died. And yes. Don't start. I could have. I can incinerate a head with my own spark. not enough to stop the 10 headed monstrosity we were up against...'

"But enough to stop it cold in it's proverbial tracks. Oh I know. I was forced to keep the toes chilly for types like that one."

'Really. All that scaly bulk?'

And the two wandered off talking about Big C's years and years under the harsh dictates of his betters.

Why wouldn't the runts have risen up when mankind asked if they would rather the tables turned. If they would rather be the gods of their kind instead. A dragon -out of body- is tormented by all their faults as are all the greats beasts who haven't a scrap of their flesh moldering in a stronghold. Summary consumption for a traitor is more than half of the surviving drakes could dream of. That requires their former betters to give half a flap about them. Runts were appliances. Furniture. If there had been cannons at the time... cannon fodder.

Sure they still make some humans cower... they are still dragons. But in a way they are so very proud of what man has done with the time given them by asking the runts for aid.

Cities. Not just round hut villages. Arts. Not just cave paintings. Science... magecraft...

And sports to keep their bodies ready for the next challenges... be they from the sea or an uprising. The runts would not like an another uprising. Advocates and colaborators -and of course traitors- are first on the chopping block. Or chomping rather. The analogy loses something.

NEWS FLASH! A stronghold getting ashed! Guards slain... a visiting son here on a lunch break not even able to summon his knife in the face of such tragic loss... *tv shuts off*

NEWS FLASH! Would be vigilante Afrent Stone killed with the purpetrators of the recent stronghold raid that necessitated... *tv shuts off*

"See this tree?" Big C bites through it in two chomps. "That could be you! One of those heads there," he waves his snout vaguely at his self removed 2 other heads,"could leap for you at a moments flicker even as you think it is dying. It is not. Neither are. They are regenerating. AND soon there will be 2 more three headed dragons on this spot. They might not be as merciful as I am. So incinerate those heads!"

And once again the team summons all the spark it can, the team captain rounding up all the sparks -but one- and trying to kindle a greater fire... and can't.

Big C shakes his head and motions to the fire team nearby. They ash his discarded heads. One a side note Big C kinda like helping this way. So much clarity of thought, and since central is the poet... poetry for days. Until the other heads come back. Then it's sports and... oh.

That one didn't help again.

Cerebus could smell real fear from him and all the other boys and girls of the team. But no relief. Rage... and likely self directed... both parents lost... but then. The boy's tone changes immediately.

She has come. fighting long years of 'high school is for high school, and college is for college' the lad's high school and current girlfriend has come over to see him. Third head likes to stalk and lurk such matters, but central has poetry to right... after the report of fire session 2 of the 130 or so planned before March Madness.

More of course would get tacked on if they were really getting a good roasting in their souls.

The team captain just hollered something about requisitioning wingparts, but Big C is off to his quill and pays no mind to it.

"So. How'd it go? Could you roast marshmellows with Grot leading the charge? Or would you be tasting ash?"

He sullenly smirks,"Well we could still smash them into paste. Grot would like that. But as for flames... No nothing. You'd think we'd have a better showing even with me in there. I man Grot just ashed everything in high school."

"When handed the reigns of an inferno even I could scorch something. Yes even a witch could blaze IF handed a ragin inferno. Otherwise..."

"We bring the thunder!" he said into an imaginary microphone.

She play pushed him then,"It's not a boxing match."

'Do you think humans are getting soft?' he asked kind of out of the blue. Something he worried about all the time. He'd never asked her, but finally it seemed the right time.

"You? Nightmares about tentacles?"

'Not that. Just. In history we covered how boxing came from duels. And how step by step it went from blades to cushioned gloves. Some boxers would get cut to ribbons in a knife fight... that sort of thing.'

"Well we still have March Madness to put the fear into anything out there. And failing FIRE EVERYWHERE, we have witches and warlocks and our lightning. We show krakens what for regularly. And we haven't seen a flying tentacle cloud in years. Might have snuffed them all out."

"Hmm..."

"And so if we're a bit softer," she kissed him,"Maybe we've earned it?"

"I'm just worried about the horizon."

"Fire, humanity," she ticks off with her hands," lighting, and force... also humanity," she grins," Ice, the drakes. Most sea beasts are mindless enough to tear into anything thrown at them... or thrown at... so water. I think we're covered for elements."

"Fire humanity."

"You have no trouble with assistance. Maybe you just need more practice."

"I don't know if my heart can take all that. All the fear... the worry... So many dragons imagined coming for my face."

"To crunch you down,"she paused for emphasis,"to make flames,"she made as if to climb a pulpit -or mountaintop,"to sear the world," she got all spooky hand wavey before bursting out laughing.

"Yeah," he shared the laugh at the old school texts.

On point, but also so over the top melodramatic. After a few of those old texts you had no problem thinking every shadow was after you and poof. Mageblade. Some classes brought in a witch or warlock to make the shadows 'actually come at you' for the holdouts. But by 5 years old. Poof. Mageblade. Then when you were older, history told you why they pushed it so young. And combat training told you just how capable a blade manifest from your desire to not die to put up a fight to your last breath can do.

Like pierce and carve dragonscale. SHED dragonscale. For living scales cannot be made art. Shed ones are dead and will not wither further.

/And wear a face mask when carving... and/ his mind was everywhere. But here. With the love of his life.

"So," he started coming out of his reverie about past lessons.

"Oh?" she looked at his face. She noted the determination and faint whiff of fear,"Ah! Practice makes perfect?"

"Yeah. Sorry. But I think I'm in the zone. I felt the spark in others. So maybe."

"No! Go go gogo go I know how dear this is to you. Team sheam. You have to do this for you. I'll catch up with you later." Her smile. It was his world.

And so... on half remembered trumpeting from the captain he went to get a tube of dragonwing. Rolled up it did not do much more than try to grow itself flat, but it didn't have the growth force to burst the fire forged 'volcanic' glass.

In a way it was also... content? That's all he could think. It was warm with the trace embers of the fire magic in the glass walls. When his mother was first out of college and swept up by the Guard Elite she made things like this in her internship. Sometimes she'd wake up, she had said, with tubes and tubes and plates and glasses made all about her from a near all-nighter crafting. Due to her power her internship had been short.

Once again he was on the wrong parts of his history. He needed to concentrate on say... his mother's power. Not that he was himself unfit for the Guard Elite.

Also if he was to think of his father's meteoric sports career -before the tragedy- he needed to focus not on how he was a raging void of disapppointment, but again on his father's power. Howhe could feel -and the whole stadium as well- the fire his father commanded when he took up the captains mantle when the team captain caught a rogue winggust into a plinth and died. First death in a decade.

No fire. Power. Fear and flame.

The wing flexed and pulsed. It could sense him. But then as it was regenerating it was not dead flesh. The dragon's spirit was there. Waiting to pounce and consume. Maybe teach him and the rest of humanity how to live in a little tube as a scrap of flesh. Or dozens of tubes. He had no idea.

You requested, and if all was right with your transcript and your request. Poof. A bit of wing. from wing it would take months for a full dragon to regenerate. In fact it would be a lethal meat brain dumb beast at first. Then it would get its first kill... and in no time at all that stupid brain would grow crafty, capable of speech. Capable of relentless mountains of hate.

In a way hate powered their regeneration. A ice way of keeping the fear and worry right at the tip of your brain.

"This tiny little thing wants me dead," he said in the quiet of the lockerroom. Just as fireproof as a classroom and less likely to set a class back a week if there was an inferno. The showers would be better but no surface to set the wing on but the floor and that's ill advised.

No this place would do. An alarm klaxon was just steps away, and medical care only a minute away from that. He could end up lighting his face on fire after all. Maybe not through the bone or anything... but...

He was stalling. He popped the metal stopper, and slid it out on the bench.

In seconds it unfolded as if waiting for the right moment. Patient as a glacier. It could wait that month out with the patience of winter's chill.

/Melt that chill./ he thought. /Become the inferno./

He reached into himself for the spark that he could slightly feel answering the embers contained in the tube. Those embers wanted to be an inferno, so too did his spark.

and he projected that onto the wingbit when he could hold it no longer...and...

A few damage streaks was all he had garnered. Sears or tears that it regenerated away. Not even enough to stick. He imagined even Grot doing this could slowly char it by himself. Grot could gather and magnify, but he couldn't light a candle.

"I can melt wax what is wrong with me!" the tube went flying. He didn't remember throwing it... but he could feel the warm in his hand. He'd just been holding it in a death grip.

'Typical failure.'

"Who's a failure now?" she had returned. Probably looking for him. He'd been gathering spark for... yikes... a full hour? Another two and the janitors would have some words.

"I lost track of time. I was spark gathering."

"And?" she was so much more excited than he felt.

"And... healed the sears away. More like tears really. Like I was trying to cut it to pieces."

She held her hand up and concentrated,"There is only fire here. No changing major for you."

"Can you sense where the tube went?"

She paused before answering,"Yes. But later. You have a live... specimen there to dispose of. We can triumphantly muddle about in the dark later."

"Even if it is just more of the same?"

"Shred it then," she said smiling.

He concentrated, gathering his own sparks, and poof just more regenerated shredding. She produce a notebook sheet, and they wrapped the wing in it... but now it didn't seem threatening.

It burst its cage. Threat renewed. With a gusto.

He tried again she bid him to wait and hold it... maybe rub them on each other?

"That's electrical. These aren't firesticks or matches," he said while concentrating. He could concentrate all year, and amidst all sorts of distractions. Passed the 'pan trials' with ease.

"Point. But hang onto it anyway... try to squeeze more sparks out." She herself was catching the mood. Lie many witches her was electrical to start... she didn't have to make the switch like a warlock... like a warlock while some THING in a tank was menacingly sliding closer and all the fire in the world won't seem to save you. Well unless you can catalyze a bonfire.

A catalyst! She felt for the tube, but it was in the shower... it's last embers snuffed, in that watery domain. /The little bullied bastard of glass./ she fumed to herself. The water was very active in there. Too bad they didn't need any.

A catalyst... she calmed herself and thought about it. Searing, burning, cutting. "Cutting!"

"What's that then?" he was still working on his spark gathering.

'You need a catalyst.'

"I'm not a..."

"Well aware but you need a catalyst. Something to grab a hold of. Just like if you were passing fire around as a team. But I can't give you the right spark and while my spark makes a flame it is a mundane flame. The reaction of electricity and... say paper. All the mundane fire in the world won't help. So concentrate on the cutting aspect. Hold your blade. the symbol of not wanting to die... and " she waved her hands about. "Cut it up."

Sure she was fishing for more bridging the gap terms, but when she was discovered to be a witch she got advanced placement and never had anymore fire courses. It was considered a waste. Both of them wished that were different. And while the chemistry refresher was useless, he could always try to ignite the bench.

But it was worth a shot. His knife was sharper than most... maybe she was on to something. Maybe that was the sparkle. A little bit more of himself in the blade. A little bit more panic, fire and fear. Yes. Some strongholds use lenses and light to burn dragon-parts. Maybe just maybe all his parents raw power was in him focused.

A fine straw indeed worthy of pride.

His knife came readily and without flare as always. Some pifted in some blazed their lives into existence. His was just there in an instant. "Since this is concentration it'll probably start spinning."

"Still? You're not 10 anymore," she chuckled standing further away. He motioned towards the alarm. She nodded. Spinning knives? What could go wrong. Many things. You often hurt yourself the most...

He started concentrating again... almost picking up where he'd left off. Most of his gathered sparks were still within. There were so many differences they were rarely cataloged.

Some had a roaring fire within and it allowed a kindling spark to be taken from it... like pulling a log from a campfire to make a torch, or in reverse to set several torches down to create a campfire.

Still others like reaching into a sotty oven for a warm coal. They often make good captains as all the spark light that... brickette... into a true brandishable blaze.

Speaking of differences if she had her blade out and spun it on her finger she'd be using her hand to maintain the spin. Later on she'd use her power as a witch to even spin the blade in the air. She could shear a wing off with that. Size immaterial until there's just too thick a size... and then the size helps tear it off.

But still all the differences can't explain why he's been messing up. So he concentrates. Blade spinning round his finger. Faster and faster it goes.

She'd tell him to slow it down but she can feel his fire gathering. She was starting to catch that primordial excitement humans get around fire. There was something a tad off in what she was picking up. Maybe more worry than fear for his life?

The wing bit was now the size of a dinner plate. This was kinda the last attempt before fire-team work. She needed to reassure him and help his focus.

"Do you feel the fire?"

"Yes... I think I do!"

"Then imagine that dragon there... dead!" she instructed like one of her teachers... minus the pointing knife.

It was over very quickly. There was a blinding flash. But no smell of burning dragon flesh. His knife had stopped spinning. Something seemed off to her but she couldn't put her finger on it.

"It'll be okay..." he said out of the blue.

she looked at his face. he looked strained... in... pain? she cast her glance back. pommel in hand... curved blade like all others... the ring the closest thing to a hilt. All ten inches... accounted... for? Her eyes went wide.

"It... flashed out... to the wing... I heard cutting and searing... spinning all the while..."

The knife was plunged in his side. It had come back, but in the light dazzle he hadn't caught it right... and stabbed himself? She pulled the alarm.

In anger she looked around for the wing-bit to zap it. Cook it with lightning till it twitched no more. Til it withered and died.

"I think... it came back with it..." and he slumped to the floor. the blade fell away clattering only once.

No blood to be seen. The wing had mended... no covered the hole... and likely was trying to... He convulsed mightily. Yes it was trying to consume him.

The next hour was tense. He drifted in and out of consciousness. White robes here and there ordering red and white robes around by the cartload.

"I've told you five times sir."

"Again then! I'll not tolerate cheaters in my school."

"He was just practicing."

A new voice chimed in. "If this were the Cooper lad you'd be onto something. And again if it were the Cooper lad he'd not do it until Finals. This is the Stone boy. Power and failure follow him everywhere."

The boy heard the stern voice pan and shift... even shift gears,"Well then this is a powerful failure. If he lives he may not wish to continue to do so."

"He's been a pariah, sir."

"Oh Miss Everdale. This is far beyond pariah. A Pariah is shunned, ostracized and kicked out. Exiled. This. If he lives is... yes a social outcast... under permanent house arrest. e'll not even be allowed to take his own life if... his new nature will let him."

He was fading out of consciousness again as she asked,"Will let him?"

"Dragon blood broaches no longing for death. It wants to live live live!"

And young Stone dreamed... or saw the future.

Looking in the mirror at the tender tiny scales covering his face, he brushed what signs and evidence he could from them of the previous night. The soft glow remained. This time he was sure it was his eyes... glowing. Perhaps he had blushed his last.

"Don't forget your class."

He /was/ trying to lose himself in the moment. Trying to enjoy his gilded cage existence. Every enjoyable scrap. But with that announcement the Guard would be coming to escort him to the same.

He dreaded the classes most. Because every student that respected him was someone who would be yelled at later. Everyone who smiled while sickened would be reminded later. Reminded by their pals that Stoneman could incinerate you to ash with a snap of his fingers or a secretive glance.

Which reminded him of the same. Of course remembering things was all too easy now.

"Glowing eyes. I like it."

"Most won't."

"Well /I/ like it," she grinned her melting grin,"Rest of you isn't so bad either."

She brushed his chin. His scales never snubbed or caught on her skin. To her he was as smooth as a fish... but he had trouble using towels. He had only the barest hint of twin horns on his head, and a beard that he had to use his mage-blade to trim, as little else would do, so all in all he was far better off then the odd idiot who ate dragon for fame, glory, power or all three.

But they already were at their worst. He till didn't know if he was done. Well not physically. Mentally was always his worry. He was still the older version of the orphaned Stone child... mostly called Stoneman now due to his rough teaching style.

At least he had a teaching style. At least he had a job. He could still help humanity. Unlike some with dragon blood who have to be chained down and experimented on to try to undo... just too much damage.

Even if you reverted the physical like one lady... the mental. Oh that was another mess. And of course much like himself... she actually does have scales. Hers are just even smaller still. She had to be cut down as she faked her mental recovery. Some can't make up her mind if she should be called cannibal or not.

To Stone? She was a monster. Monsters have no species.

He kinda wished he wasn't now a walking catalog of human folly with dragon-flesh. But he'd heard it all now.

She pulled his hood all the way down.

"What in the..."

"You're worried about the eyes. Right?"

"And a /horde/ of other things," he said trying to be punny. Whether he'll get horde tendencies always a worry.

"Then hood down. Show off that resplendent mane."

Lithe and with good hair is how the process left him for now. Granted it was not hair per se. But it acted and looked like hair. Was it micro-fine horns? He'd like to not think about waking up with a pillow attached to his head.

She felt their arrival a second before he did. "Show all the mercy you can."

"They need all the encouragement I can muster. I know."

"Then you'll be great as usual. Off you go."

And as usual right before they knocked on his door he opened it, tried to smile, waved inside once and closed it again. Then they walked together the six of them out of the labyrinth that was built around his current home/dwelling/cell/micro-vault. It was not a stronghold. None had tried yet to go in very far.

And they'd still have to contend with his wife. A title she'd never expected to have. Quite the scene forging that title for herself when she was told she could never see him again, and she was thrown out bodily to find two mage-blades hovering at the throat of the man who ordered her removed. Her own and /her/ Stone.

In fact that was when he actually fully regained consciousness. "Please don't hurt her. This is a show of force."

"... Yes a show of force." the air crackled around her even as the Guard closed in from elsewhere on the floor.

Backing away from the blades, expertly moving forward following his every move and darted escape attempt, not cutting him even as he gulped and spoke,"You aren't perhaps..."

"For all you care I'm pregnant! I am going to see him! Whenever I want!" maybe she sounded a little petulant and childish, but she got the point across.

At this point there was only one blade. And a very embarrassed boy getting over a fatal case of dragon-poisoning.

But that was then and a memory. A time capsule permanently preserved in his mind

This, however, is a bland walk under guard through courtyards, under more scrutiny than a known traitor. Mainly because there are those just watching for the second he goes rogue.

Somehow he always beats his class to the learning trees. A copse grown back daily if needed. Trees that so long ago Cerebus held primary sway over. Now he was afforded the luxury of other classes to better help explore the minds of dragon-kind. Considering-the-new-development.

But still it is the best place to shed and rub on good bark so Stoneman and Cerebus exchange a nod. Central, and First head glowed forth with a solid smile happy to see him continue to be well. Third head now gave a baffled expression, as was the usual lately. But with neither allowed enough time in even semi-privacy to talk, letters were the only way. Big C just had to find the right turn of phrase to grasp all it's nuances... with two heads interrupting. In any event a new letter was nailed to a tree, and then the Three-headed Drake was off to teach his favorite new class: Poetry. The other two heads just had to suffer, and heckle. The heckling was also on the test.

Not a second after the guards spread out, and the students arrived the class began,"Do you feel the fire. You should a dragon was just here. Depending on who you know you might think a dragon stands before you. So. Do you feel the fire?"

Several affirmatives. He immolated his own hands and passed the sensation of immolation around to all of them kindling their inner fire. At that very moment they'd have all made it into the Guard Elite. They were kind of getting used to this. "I said do you feel the flame!"

"Yes Sir!"

With a point of his finger he put the smallest fire in front of the nail damaged tree. "That is now a dragon. Imagine its hatred. It knows your fear. It delights in it. You feel the fire instead! The fire to survive!"

"We feel it sir."

"Then immolate the dragon."

The captain gathered the fire from them all directing it at the tree and the tree was bare cinders... the burnt shed scales a reminder of the smell of burning dragon. Stone rather felt Big C would like this method. Maybe missing the clarity of tearing his own heads off, and then poetry corner but... they didn't struggle for months. And all schools that sent students to train with him felt the flame. And in no time at all they were the flame.

"Wow sir I must say. Always impressive."

He grunted and quirked an eyebrow.

"It's just so impressive to not have to learn from a dragon and... sir... sir?"

But he'd already grown distracted by the need to prepare for the next class and wandered to the refreshments table. And there was always one that gushed and dismissed learning from a dragon. Not knowing even the kindest of them might show you the greatest kindness and use you as an example to show the other students how to have the edge to victory.

He'd been tempted once or twice. Never know when you have to defend yourself or something you love... and you might have to

At a moments notice.

And the dream faded he was on a table, instruments all about him. Roes of every sort arrayed at the monitors. He heard a crash it was familiar. H heard a girl's voice. Saying something so...

familiar, and out his blade came and danced and followed.

He knew what to say from the dream... within a dream? Any way he looked at it it seemed as real as yesterday... or tomorrow? The words came... demanded... anything else might break the tension... poorly.

"Please don't hurt her. This is a show of force."

"... Yes a show of force."

~fin~

This was from a dream... I've been going through a mess of fate grand order, and at some point Monty Python crept in. young Stone there's name might as well be Tim... it ISN'T but might as well be. For he can throw fire like Tim the Enchanter.

This has been the most coherent my dreams have been... and of course there's bit more on the page than what was DIRECTLY dreamt. I always have back and forward fill so... yeah.

Some crystal ball Q&A:

>dragons as icy things? In this setting they are natively cold blooded. "True" dragons have undergone a metamorphosis to produce some heat internally... by eating people.

>man was gifted the spark of fire? like Prometheus without Prometheus. it's not quite the same fire as lighting a match. because that's a chemical fire and doesn't itself generate 'ember' in the magical sense.

>so everyone has this ember? unless they're a witch -born with a lodestone- or learn to convert it, a warlock. The terms are gender neutral in this setting. You would say Bob is a witch if he was born with it or Sara is a Warlock if she had some menace aimed at her or a family member of the watery and covered-in-tentacles persuasion.

>does any fire generate fire? any at all? none before man came with their interpretation of 'fire'. blizzards make lightning strikes and that made fire but nothing in the world /produces/ 'fire'.

>what made man? damned good question. I'll have to think on it.

>what made the dragons? The Shapers of The Void. they reignited the star, and set the planets in motion. it was the perfect dead system. they used most everything extra-system as fuel for the new paradigm.

>so some remnant of this extra-solar whatzit made man? maybe `-` sounds like a legit good idea to go with.

>it's not Earth. Nope.

>And yet... Some things just happen the same when you have humans. Some end up the same but got there differently. here and there a term is draconic in origin. example. if the dragons had a dragon to blame for humanity they'd call that one Pandora. They gave the story of Icarus and Daedalus... drakes of a wingless type using eating humans to fly. Daedalus would have rather plummeted than exploded, and exhaled a brilliant green and indigo trail. Icarus would not. Icarus savored too long. Boom. They were consumed for daring to rise above their station. Now where the dragons got them. who knows `-`

>Consumed Else they'd have been reborn and who knows what else they'd get up to.

>So wait. That stronghold was put to ash. Yes.

>So if any parts that got ashed... were /all/ of a given dragon... then that dragon would be reborn? Yes.

>Dragons come in categories? From runts and drakes which run the gamut, to true which can consume humans safely and produce fire... up to continent threateners. Think Shooting Star from Lodoss. Some smaller beasts are big threats too depending on lung and stomach capacity. and inhale exhale rate. Drakes even have to check their eggs for trues being reborn in them. Or almost true dragons. they have poorer capacities... until they get bigger @.@

>Is there more? dunno `-`v

>seriously? Often once I start I can muddle at an idea almost forever. Then in time I get that next big inspiration and fire it into 7th gear. Then back to idling. Mostly I wanted this out of my head. `-`v

[crtranscript]

Talks Machina: After Dark - March 7, 2017

Transcribed by Critter Ryan McClure (@IHaveThatPower) and edited by @CRTranscript!

[The camera starts focused on the big Trinket statue, with Marisha, Travis, and Gil trying to pick its nose.]

MARISHA: Twinket!

MATT: Yay, Twinket!

BRIAN: Twinket!

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MARISHA: Twinket!

BRIAN: He’s shielding his eyes from a blacklight.

[Back to focusing on the group.]

MATT: For the record, you ever heard the sound a grizzly bear makes?

TRAVIS: No.

MATT: Fuckin’ weird.

TRAVIS: [guffaws]

MATT: You think grizzly bear, you hear the sounds they make in movies, and there’s like one or two good, like, audio clips of grizzly bears and most of them are like [makes grizzly bear sounds that sound ridiculous] and you’re like, “...what?! Really?!”

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah, I gotta drop the bass on that thing.

MATT: Yeah, man.

TRAVIS: [imitates the noises Matt made]

MATT: That’s nature fuckin’ with you. Anyway. Sorry. It’s your show. Hi.

BRIAN: They had the guy who did, uh, they had the guy who did Chunk do the--

[all laughing]

TRAVIS: [imitating Sloth from Goonies] Heyyyy youu guyyyys!

ASHLEY: [imitating Sloth from Goonies] Hey you guyyyyys!

BRIAN: Well, Ashley’s here.

[all greeting Ashley with excitement]

ASHLEY: Hello!

BRIAN: She’s sharing the chair with me.

MATT: You’re a cute couple.

MARISHA: I love it.

BRIAN: How are you?

ASHLEY: [through laughter] I’m great, how are you?

[all laughing]

TRAVIS: Y’all look like you’re on a carnival ride for kids.

[all laughing]

MATT: And she wants her friend to give her an out right now so bad.

BRIAN: Put your hands up. [imitates throwing hands in the air as if on a roller coaster]

[all making “Wee!” noises]

BRIAN: Um. Okay. Question for all, but especially Matt.

MATT: Oh god.

TRAVIS: So, just Matt.

BRIAN: What has been the best/worst... [Ashley starts giggling, then he starts singing to Ashley] Sometimes when we touch…

ASHLEY: Noooo.

BRIAN: ...she screams “No.”

ASHLEY: [mock protesting] Don’t do it!

BRIAN: What has been the best/worst or most unusual or most hilarious or most foul thing shouted just before the stream starts?

[all going “Ohhhhh!”]

TRAVIS: Great fuckin’ question.

BRIAN: Liam is very good.

MATT: Liam is very good.

BRIAN: Sam is very good.

MATT: Everyone else has caught onto it, which is really frustrating. What about, what are your guys’ answers?

TRAVIS: I usually say, like, kitty nipples or like, uh, skittle farts, or chuckle nut, chuckle balls. It’s an inspiration thing, it has to strike you at the right time.

MARISHA: There’s been, like, weird ones, normally based off of the beasts we’re about to fight, like tentacle taint or, yeah, y’know.

TRAVIS: I went with “grape nuts” one time.

MARISHA: [continuing] Yeah, illithid scrote… [talking with Gil in the background]

BRIAN: Grape nuts?!

TRAVIS: Grape nuts! Yeah, grape nuts I think actually got Mercer pretty good, ‘cause... fuckin’ ...grape nuts.

BRIAN: Grape nuts.

MATT: Yeah, grape nuts. The one that got me once--it got me because I could see it too viscerally in my head was like, dangly wrinkled goblin grundle?

[all laughing]

MATT: And my imagination went way too visceral and legitimate in my mind and I went “Hohh... welcome to Critical Role?” Like, I’m sure whatever episode it was…

TRAVIS: Your entire [inaudible] right in front of you.

MATT: Yeah, no, no, you can see like my whole body tense up as I’m like, “Mmm, I’m rejecting that image!”

TRAVIS: Rejecting! [chuckling]

BRIAN: If the stream comes on and Matt does one of these... [imitates Matt tilting his head in reaction to the off-screen taunting]

TRAVIS: Yeah!

ASHLEY: Yeah!

MATT: Yep.

BRIAN: ...they got him.

MATT: Yep.

TRAVIS: It was a good one.

ASHLEY: It was a good one.

BRIAN: Uh, Travis.

TRAVIS: Yep.

BRIAN: Between Umbracyl... Oom-brussle?

TRAVIS: Oom-brussle!

ASHLEY: Oooom-bruh-seal.

MATT: Oom-bruh-seal!

TRAVIS: Ooooom-bruh-SEAL!

BRIAN: ...and the kraken and any other I’m forgetting…

TRAVIS: Crack-EN.

BRIAN: ...is Grog going to develop a hatred, or worse a fear, of small, enclosed, warm places?

[all going “ohhhhh” and laughing]

TRAVIS: You know, Grog hand a fondness for those small, enclosed, warm places…

MATT: Actually, you weren’t swallowed by Umbracyl, you were swallowed by the Fey croc, the Feymire crocodile.

TRAVIS: That’s right, yeah, in the live show.

MATT: In the Feywild. Yeah.

MARISHA: Oh, that’s right.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I got chomped, I got chomped for sure. No fear. Grog’s got no fear because you’d have to have an intelligence to recognize the peril of your surroundings to develop a fear. I usually get swallowed and I’m like, “This is nice!”

MATT: So what you’re saying is your DeviantArt is filled with vore art now. Is that what’s going on?

[all making grossed-out sounds]

TRAVIS: Pretty much.

MATT: Good, great. Sorry, the internets ruined me a long time ago.

TRAVIS: Yeah, I can tell.

BRIAN: Ozzy Stern... wants to know.

MATT: Yes?

TRAVIS: Good pause.

BRIAN: Matt and the crew...

TRAVIS: Asshole.

BRIAN: ‘Cause you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

TRAVIS: Ozzy Stern [looks at watch and pauses dramatically] wants to know.

[all laughing]

BRIAN: Has the dragon vodka been drunk after the death of the Conclave and what did it taste like?

MARISHA: Wait, have we opened that yet?

MATT: The dragon vodka, we did. We had the dragon vodka and then we had the Arkenstone wine.

MARISHA: The wine, right.

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: The wine was incredible.

MATT: It [the vodka] was harsh.

MARISHA: The wine was so good.

MATT: I’m a vodka fan myself, as far as like drinks go like vodka and rum are the two of my choice and the vodka was really, really good.

BRIAN: I like, uh… vodka, too. I’m sorry, Travis.

TRAVIS: I know. I’m waiting.

MATT: God dammit.

BRIAN: Hey guys.

MATT: The dragon vodka was really cool. For those who didn’t know, it was a gift from a critter that sent this amazing bottle of vodka that had like gold flakes in it and it had like a glass dragon inside the bottle.

ASHLEY: Whoa.

MATT: It was absurd!

MARISHA: The gold flakes.

MATT: So thank you again!

MARISHA: I loved that on the back it said that it was like artisan infused with premium 24 carat gold flakes and I was like, “Baaaack the fuck out.”

TRAVIS: Artisan.

MATT: I was hoping that it was infused with actual artisans.

MARISHA: Yeah!

MATT: They just like distilled it from their bodies.

TRAVIS: That’d be better.

MATT: Yeah.

BRIAN: I can get you some of that.

MATT: Of course you--you can, Brian.

BRIAN: I know a guy. Goes by the name @GilTheVlogsmith. Travis, I have a question... we hope this is for you.

TRAVIS: Yeah, oh shit.

BRIAN: What would Grog do with a 20 Intelligence for 24 hours?

TRAVIS: I have no idea. I don’t know.

BRIAN: You have to have fantasized about it.

TRAVIS: Nope.

BRIAN: Asleep in your---

TRAVIS: No, that would take forethought and like planning and I don’t do either of those things with my character. I have no idea. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m not sure. It’d depend on my mood that day. He could either be like a very benign, very helpful individual, right? He might try and, like, I don’t know. Build a better rocketship.

MARISHA: Better rocketship?

TRAVIS: Yeah. I want to visit that moon!

GIL: Grog with like a snifter. [in a high-class voice] “Oh yes, of course, why don’t you…”

BRIAN: He becomes all pretentious!

MATT: “I am the Grand Poobah of Thisnthat, yes.”

TRAVIS: I would probably try to go into Percy’s workshop and build something.

BRIAN: Yeah, but then they would find you in like Percy’s house, though, several hours later after having 20 Intelligence and you would be like “Come to the piano and hear an original composition.”

[all laughing]

MATT: And then this slow zoom on Percival as he starts crying listening to it.

[all laughing]

TRAVIS: That’s true!

ASHLEY: Make it happen!

BRIAN: Hey Ashley.

MATT: Grogless Strongjawess.

ASHLEY: Yeah!

MARISHA: Ashley!

ASHLEY: That’s me!

MARISHA: Hi!

BRIAN: This question is from Adonis.

ASHLEY: Oh!

BRIAN: Do you and Matt ever do one-on-ones... to figure out--

[all laughing]

ASHLEY: All the time.

BRIAN: Now be very careful about how you answer this.

MATT: Not here, Ashley.

BRIAN: Do you and Matt--wait, one-on-ones like on The Bachelor where they get a one-on-one date?

ASHLEY: A one-on-one date.

MATT: Yeah.

BRIAN: Do you guys ever do that? One-on-one dates where Pike is, uh, where you figure out what Pike is doing whenever she’s away?

MATT: I would if she wasn’t all the time on Blindspot.

BRIAN: I know.

MATT: I know. She’s busy being a TV star. And we discuss it--

ASHLEY: I wish we could.

MATT: We discuss it when you come back.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

MATT: We’ll talk about what you’ve been up to and how to tie it back into the story, but y’know, schedules are a pain in the butt.

ASHLEY: Yeah. I think when we had our home games I remember sometimes when I would miss, we did a coup--well, we did one--

MATT: Yeah, we did a one-on-one once, then we did one with you and Liam.

TRAVIS: That’s right, it was just the two of you guys.

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: Yeah.

ASHLEY: And then...

TRAVIS: And it was, like, brutal, right? Yeah.

ASHLEY: It was intense.

MATT: Yeah, you guys had to fight a chimaera.

ASHLEY: ‘Cause you don’t have as many people to go around to think about what you’re going to do, you’re just always like “Uh, okay, I’ll do this, I’ll do this.” And then we also did one, Sam, Liam, and I.

MATT: Yeah.

ASHLEY: But that was sort of learning... after Pathfinder when we switched over to see…?

MATT: We hadn’t switched over yet, that was still in Pathfinder. That was towards the end of the pre-stream era.

ASHLEY: Okay, yeah. So--

MATT: ‘Cause the rest of the party had fallen beneath Emon--

TRAVIS: And you were catching up.

ASHLEY: Yes, we were catching up.

MATT: --in the Crystalfen Caverns. Yeah.

ASHLEY: So that was basically the only times we’ve gotten to do... it was more like a two-on-one date.

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Even more exciting.

[Matt laughs]

ASHLEY: And neither of us went home.

BRIAN: Everybody got a rose.

ASHLEY: Yes, even more exciting.

MATT: Everybody got arosed.

TRAVIS: One more Bachelor reference…

BRIAN: Everybody got arosed!

ASHLEY: Oh shit!

BRIAN: Stay turnt! About to get arosed!

[all laughing]

BRIAN: Do you know where that’s from?

ASHLEY: That’s the best.

BRIAN: I’ll tell you later. Ashley.

ASHLEY: Yeah.

BRIAN: Johnny Bane 0415 wants to know--

ASHLEY: Okay. Hey Johnny.

BRIAN: How would Pike take the news of the party leaving Grog behind if he had been swallowed and dead in the kraken?

ASHLEY: I don’t even wanna--

TRAVIS: Clammed up.

ASHLEY: That would’ve been a bad... that would’ve been a bad idea.

MARISHA: Yeah. “Where’s Grog?”

ASHLEY & MARISHA: “Wellllllll…”

BRIAN: Yeah.

ASHLEY: I think she would’ve pulled a Scanlan.

MATT: He died as he lived…

TRAVIS: Oh yeah?

MARISHA: Really?

MATT: ...inside a giant fish?

ASHLEY: I think Pike would’ve pulled Scanlan--

GIL: In tight spaces?

MARISHA: And been like “peace”?

ASHLEY: And then just go like live under the sea until she found him.

TRAVIS: [singing] Under da Sea.

ASHLEY: And then like save his body ‘til she levels up, keeps his body in a bag of colding until she levels up and gets True Resurrection, even if it’s like hundreds of years, and then she would’ve resurrected him.

TRAVIS: [cute speak] Oh that’s the sweetest, most wonderful answer evah!

ASHLEY: Oh Grog!

TRAVIS: I love it! Pikey poo! [normal voice] That kraken is so lucky that they didn’t leave me behind. That’d be one dead tuna shell, man.

MARISHA: Oh my god, that would’ve been nuts!

ASHLEY: So drivel.

MARISHA: ‘Cause then you would’ve gone back and you would have either tried to get Grog out and died or like killed the kraken and still doomed my people!

TRAVIS: Yep.

ASHLEY: Wait, so if the kraken gets killed…

TRAVIS: Uh huh…

ASHLEY: That... your people... the kraken can’t be killed.

MATT: The logistics of it are that these krakens that exist on the water elemental plane, one of their waste products is these lodestones. These, like, concentrated magic, kinda similar to the whitestone--

TRAVIS: They poop pearls.

MATT: Yeah, kind of. Like, magnetic pearls. And they’re utilized to both maintain a very tight closure around the rift into the water elemental plane beneath Vesrah and they also maintain the capability of the temple and the reef to keep the city up. If those were, as they wane over time from power, the rift begins to open and the reef begins to sink and it all begins to condense inward, which would sink the entire city, which would open the rift and allow the kraken or other such creatures to begin to then spill out into the prime material plane.

TRAVIS: Meh, semantics.

MATT: So it’s--

BRIAN: Sounds fine.

MARISHA: No big.

MATT: Yeah. It’s an ecological circle.

ASHLEY: Okay.

MATT: They rely on the circle. They rely on the kraken, but they must keep it outside of the rift, but they cannot kill it, but they have to be careful of it, and they lose waverunners all the time to it. They only have to go back once every like four or five years to try it. And, to be perfectly honest, if you guys had probably, things had gotten really bad and you shouted back into the portal like “We need help!” they probably would’ve sent people to come help.

GIL: Oh shit, really?

MARISHA: Really?

MATT: Yeah.

MARISHA: Oh.

BRIAN: Oh lord have Mercer, don’t tell them that after the fact!

MARISHA: I know!

MATT: It’s so much fun to tell after the fact, though!

BRIAN: Marisha, Marisha.

MARISHA: Yeah. Yes. Brian. Foster.

BRIAN: Blue Chibi wants to know…

MARISHA: Blue Chibi?

BRIAN: How does it feel to not be a part of the “I died” Club?

TRAVIS: [doing a voice] Blue chibi!

BRIAN: Do you feel left out and do you want to join?

MARISHA: No. It feels wonderful. It feels like privilege. It’s nice.

MATT: You’re the only one.

MARISHA: I am the only one.

TRAVIS: We can totally fix that.

MATT: I have to try twice as hard to kill you now.

ASHLEY: Wait, you’re the only one that has--

TRAVIS: Hasn’t died.

MARISHA: I haven’t died.

TRAVIS: I think--

BRIAN: I promise I will never die.

TRAVIS: --we gotta complete the circle, right? We should just kill her the second--

MARISHA: Suicide pact?

ASHLEY: Oh my god, you’re right!

MATT: And there’s a reason for that. [mockingly] Because she’s my fiancee and I give her special treatment.

[all laughing]

BRIAN: Oh yeah, we all know about that.

MARISHA: Don’t even say that in jest, ‘cause they’ll--no.

MATT: They’ve been shouting that shit from the beginning and the know that’s not true.

BRIAN: No, everybody knows that’s not true because go back and watch the moment she fell in the lava and you will see--

MARISHA: That’s true. That’s true.

BRIAN: --Matt trying not to--

MATT: No, no, we’ve had conversations about alternate characters if that were to happen. Trust me, trust me, if I was giving her special treatment… I wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch as often.

[Travis laughing]

BRIAN: Nobody’s invincible.

MARISHA: Don’t say that either! They think that too!

[all laughing]

BRIAN: That’s true! That’s true.

MARISHA: They think all of these things!

MATT: No, you’re right, you’re right. That doesn’t happen.

TRAVIS: They all think that Laura and I are half the time on the couch. And we never are.

MARISHA: Same here.

MATT: We enjoy their narrative, it’s fine.

MARISHA: You’re like “...no.” We drive home and we’re like “Have you heard this new song?”

TRAVIS: We’re eating Taco Bell on the way home.

MATT: Yeah, that’s basically us, too!

MARISHA: There’s always Taco Bell!

MATT: Always Taco Bell ‘cause that’s what’s up.

MARISHA: It’s the best.

TRAVIS: Only thing that’s open.

ASHLEY: So good, man.

MARISHA: Kind of food. Not food.

MATT: Loosely food.

BRIAN: Travis, Pale Archer--

TRAVIS: Sup, Art.

BRIAN: You seemed extremely calm for only having eight hit points at the end. What was going through your mind? Was it “This is a beast--” Nope! Was it a “This beast is the strongest thing ever so I’m okay if it kills me” kind of thing?

TRAVIS: Mm.

[long pause]

TRAVIS: Is there more to that question?

BRIAN: Because I put my thumb out? I was counting how many times it took me to aks [sic] it correctly.

[all laughing]

BRIAN: That’s why I do that. I go “Here we go, I get five of these before I have to move on to another question.”

TRAVIS: It threw me! Uh... I’m just a stone-cold motherfucker, y’know? Nothing shakes me. No.

ASHLEY: Stone Cold!

TRAVIS: I know. When I got to the door--

BRIAN: You sounded very tough. You sound like a great hype man.

TRAVIS: [imitating Ashley] “Stone Cold!”

ASHLEY: Stone Cold!

TRAVIS: When Percy cast Friends, there was a little wrinkle in my visage ‘cause I was like, “Oh, I was ready to go, ‘cause I got--Daddy got almost single digits in hit points. I’m gonna go get him--”

BRIAN: You call yourself Daddy?

TRAVIS: Yeah, yeah.

[all laughing]

TRAVIS: Yeah, “Daddy--Daddy gotta go get--”

BRIAN: I’m just making sure talking about you still.

TRAVIS: Yeah.

MATT: To be fair, that's his character background.

TRAVIS: “Daddy gotta go get Tary.” And then I got back and Mercer’s like “You get almost to the portal,” and I’m like just sitting there with this asshole going like “...cool!” Taliesin goes, “Well, I come and get them,” and Matt’s like, “You can get Tary,” and I was like “...sure! This’ll be fuckin’ great!” [slurping noises] “There we go, we’re back in here again.” And if I didn't manage to puke myself out, that was, that was bruschetta.

MATT: Yeah. Which is why I tweeted the picture of the saving throw.

MARISHA: Bruschetta.

MATT: ‘Cause it wa like, you need-- if it’d rolled a ten or higher, you’d’ve been stuck in there. I rolled an ine and I’m like “No one’s gonna fuckin’ believe this.”

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MATT: I have to tweet out rolls now ‘cause people are like “Oh, there’s no fuckin’ way!” And I post it and like “See?” and they go “...there’s no fuckin way!” and I’m like “Alright, whatever.”

TRAVIS: And plus it’s also once one person’s dead, it’s easier--I feel like it’s easier to join the dead--like, the list of dead people. If you’re the first one you’re like “I don’t wanna be the first!” but if Vax is already dead I’m like, “Hey! Dead homies!”

BRIAN: Dead homies!

MARISHA: We’ve never had to go through like a ritual resurrection process with you. It’s just always been a quick Revivify.

TRAVIS: Right.

MARISHA: Right? We’ve gotten you in time.

TRAVIS: Mm-hmm.

MATT: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Yep.

MARISHA: Are we the only ones though that haven’t gone through rituals?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

GIL: With the um, what was that, the sword, Craven Edge.

BRIAN: Craven Edge, yeah.

GIL: Wasn’t that still a--

MATT: We did a very quick ritual.

TRAVIS: Oh it was a ritual, yeah.

MATT: I was still figuring out the rules for the time. I was learning how to adjust the resurrection process.

MARISHA: Oh, that’s right. That’s right.

TRAVIS: ‘Cause we did it right then and there outside of the cave.

MATT: I hadn’t considered Revivify and the process at that point, so I was trying something out.

TRAVIS: Right.

MARISHA: Right.

MATT: I’ve since honed it.

TRAVIS: Now it’s just you. You just have to die.

BRIAN: Thank god.

MARISHA: Last man standing!

TRAVIS: Flatliner.

MARISHA: What’s up!

BRIAN: Flatliner.

MARISHA: Flatliner.

TRAVIS: You’re the only one has to take the journey.

MATT: It’s true.

TRAVIS: How do you want to go?

MARISHA: How do I want to go?

TRAVIS: Poison?

BRIAN: How do you want to die this?

TRAVIS: Bludgeoning? [in an accent] How do you want to die dis?

BRIAN: How d’ye der de der dis.

MARISHA: I don’t know, like I said, being eaten by a kraken would’ve been epic.

TRAVIS: Yep. And permanent.

MARISHA: My biggest fear was that I was gonna trip and faceplant in lava. And then that happened. So as long as it’s not embarrassing--

GIL: Bucket list.

MARISHA: Yeah!

MATT: Valid point.

TRAVIS: That was the best description

MARISHA: ‘cause nothing’s worse than dying from something completely unrelated to the circumstances that are actually going on.

MATT: Well, it’s like can you imagine the actual funeral? “We will remember her as a wonderful lively friend who gave her life... uh... well she lost her life… she was fuckin’ clumsy. It really sucked. We’re sorry.”

MARISHA: She could control weather, but--

TRAVIS: Fell face-first.

MARISHA: --those slippy embankments. Gotta be careful of those!

MATT: Perhaps we should’ve bought her shoes with better tread!

GIL: Boat shoes?

MARISHA: Boat shoes! “Had those boat shoes come sooner--”

MATT: Been there this whole time!

BRIAN: Keyleth died doing what she loved: a series of errors.

[all laughing]

TRAVIS: Amazing.

MARISHA: Fucking failing.

BRIAN: Hey Ashley.

ASHLEY: Oh god. Yeah?

BRIAN: Undercover Goth…

ASHLEY: Yes?

TRAVIS: Is that Taliesin?

MARISHA: That’s his protege.

ASHLEY: He’s not undercover.

TRAVIS: No, he’s not undercover, you’re right.

BRIAN: I think it’s undercover, then out-there-in-the-open, then executive--he’s sort of the--

TRAVIS: Executive Goth, yeah.

MARISHA: He’s like the goth mafia.

BRIAN: He’s like the guy over there petting the cat, y’know? He’s the evil executive.

MATT: Yeah, like there’s fuckin “weird travestite” and then there’s “executive transvestite.”

BRIAN: Yeah. Eddie Izzard. Correct. That’s the correct pronunciation. Ashley! Undercover Goth--

ASHLEY: Mm-hmm?

BRIAN: I just watched four--fuuh--I just watched--

[?Denise? laughing off-screen]

BRIAN: --Force Grey this weekend, where you also played a cleric. Would you ever play a--don’t read--I’m reading it to you!

ASHLEY: I’m sorry, I’m sorry! It’s in front of me so it’s hard not to read it!

BRIAN: Would you ever play a different class or do you love clerics so much? Also, you’re very beautiful up close.

ASHLEY: Thank you! So much.

MARISHA: Awww.

TRAVIS: Gross.

BRIAN: Never really get this close.

[all laughing]

GIL: Just Skype.

BRIAN: We sleep like Dick Van Dyke in that show, y’know?

TRAVIS: Two different beds? I Love Lucy?

BRIAN: There’s one for all you youngsters, though. Anyway. Clerics?

TRAVIS: [laughing] Dick Van Dyke.

ASHLEY: We had, for Force Grey, we had kind of, I was thinking maybe I was gonna play something different, but I think when we had all talked about it, they were like “Just play a cleric,” because there wasn’t one in the group yet?

MATT: Yeah.

ASHLEY: I can’t remember.

MATT: The folks at Wizard were like “Hey! She plays a cleric really well. We need somebody who knows what they’re doing. Can she play a cleric again?” Was kind of what it came down to.

ASHLEY: Yes.

MATT: Because a lot of the players hadn’t played the game before.

ASHLEY: And I was actually okay with it because I still sometimes feel very inexperienced in this game, so I think I wanted, since that was gonna be something that was gonna be recorded, well it’s something that I kind of already know how to do. And I think with that group, I had the most experience, I was like “Uh oh.”

MATT: Yep!

ASHLEY: But it was great. I mean, you can play it even if you don’t have experience, it’s awesome. But I would like to play something else. I have been prepping another character.

MATT: Next campaign.

TRAVIS: You have?

ASHLEY: For our next campaign, yeah, so I’ve been thinking about... I have a name. I have... some things figured out. Um, and I’m excited. I don’t--I’m not putting it out there.

MARISHA: No, you can’t.

MATT: Keep it under wraps.

MARISHA: None of us have.

BRIAN: Don’t put it out there now.

ASHLEY: Pike is gonna be old and gray and, y’know, die in her sleep.

TRAVIS: I have no idea.

GIL: Pike the Second is what it is.

ASHLEY: It’s Pike the Second. Real original. But yes, I would like to play another class.

BRIAN: I’ll let Undercover Goth know.

TRAVIS: I’m gonna play a Paladin named Greg.

MARISHA: Yo, Greg.

GIL: Grog’s cousin?

TRAVIS: Yep.

MARISHA: Yeah!

BRIAN: Here we go. Last question. [long pause] Hold on, where’d it go.

[all laughing]

BRIAN: Ashley, Marisha, Travis, Gil: a Wish spell goes awry and the world turns into a Super genre RPG. What are your characters’ superhero names?

MARISHA: In real life?

BRIAN: In real life.

TRAVIS: Arse Queef.

BRIAN: The world turns into a Super genre RPG.

GIL: The Void.

BRIAN: The Void! Gil the Voidsmith!

MARISHA: I have to go with Calamity Ray.

TRAVIS: Oh, that’s good.

BRIAN: Calamity Ray.

ASHLEY: Oh, god, that’s good. Okay, so we’re doing our own names.

MARISHA: Yeah. Playa name.

TRAVIS: Oh sit.

BRIAN: Tarvis?

TRAVIS: I’ll take my Xbox user gamertag.

BRIAN & TRAVIS: Meaty Albatross.

BRIAN: It means Willingham.

TRAVIS: Yep. I didn’t pick it for any fuckin’ reason other than that it was a suggestion and it looked stupid as hell.

ASHLEY: Oh, it was a suggestion?!

BRIAN: It was a suggestion! At a con or something, wasn’t it?

TRAVIS: No, like a previous username of mine, they were like you can’t, you can’t have that name.

BRIAN: Oh! ‘Cause that one was inapp-- yeah, that one was.

TRAVIS: It was a no-no. So they sent me like three suggestions--

MATT: What was your previous name?

TRAVIS: So my last name is Willingham and in my--in a drunken night of stupor I came up with “Raped Bacon.”

MATT: Oh wow!

GIL: Oh my god.

TRAVIS: Instead of, like, “Willing Ham.”

MARISHA: “Willing Ham!”

TRAVIS: But it was great, because--

BRIAN: I did not think he was going to say that!

MARISHA: Holy shit.

GIL: Holy shit.

TRAVIS: So they came up with like Velvet Octopus 83, something else, and then Meaty Albatross.

ASHLEY: [laughing] Velvet Octopus.

MATT: Meaty Albatross was the--

TRAVIS: That one. That one. It’s so stupid.

MATT: Meaty Albatross is a pretty great name in general. Good band name. Good app name.

TRAVIS: Yeah, it is. It’s good.

MATT: New on iOS, Meaty Albatross.

TRAVIS: Yeah. And my superhero character will obviously have to have wings or something. And meat.

MATT: Very thick wings.

TRAVIS: Lot of, just--

MATT: Wings fuckin’ ripped.

TRAVIS: Giant ripped-out wings, but I’m like Ichabod Crane.

MARISHA: Instead of feathers, it’s just like bacon.

TRAVIS: Yeah!

MATT: Ashley, what’s yours?

MARISHA: So you’re saying in the future you want to be the pig that flies?

TRAVIS: I’m okay with that.

MARISHA: That’s pretty great.

TRAVIS: It works.

BRIAN: The Void, Calamity Ray, Meaty Albatross…

ASHLEY: Gosh, I’m not good at thinking of these types of things!

BRIAN: Yes you are, you just need time. And we’ve got it, baby. Just kidding, we’re out of time.

MARISHA: Just kidding, we’re out of time!

[all laughing]

BRIAN: Max is over there like [makes wrap it up motion]. [To Matt] Do you have one?

MATT: I wasn’t asked the question.

ASHLEY: Yeah, you were.

MATT: I specifically wasn’t.

ASHLEY: You were not, but what would yours be?

MATT: Doesn’t matter, I wasn’t asked the question. That’s all we have for tonight folks.

MARISHA: Ohhh!

TRAVIS: Beautiful.

BRIAN: Toss to the next thing. What’s after us?

MATT: Uh.

ASHLEY: Oh, do it!

BRIAN: Nine PM.

MATT: Why is this my question?!

BRIAN: You just, you took over the show and decided to toss--end the show. You said that’s all the time we have. Tell them what’s next.

MARISHA: So now you have to.

ASHLEY: Do it! Do it!

BRIAN: Tell them what’s next. It’s right there.

MATT: Okay. [bewildered voice] Hey guys. Thanks so much for watching--

BRIAN: [responding to someone off screen] What? No, but it’s, we’re telling them to go back to Twitch. Give me that.

MATT: NO! IT’S MY SHOW! [bewildered voice again] Go back to Twitch and then at 9pm, there’ll be AXYB coming up at 9pm on Twitch after this show. Thank you for watching. [starts chewing on the card]

TRAVIS: I don’t know.

MARISHA: That was so good.

TRAVIS: That was rough.

MARISHA: Good at worldbuilding.

ASHLEY: Like a little kid.

MARISHA: You know what?

MARISHA: You’re good at worldbuilding.

GIL: What are words?

ASHLEY: What do I mean in these words?

TRAVIS: Just keep growing your hair.

BRIAN: Still better than the first episode of this show.

MATT: Oh yeah, well.

BRIAN: That’s all the time we have for tonight folks. What should we do? Should we read a bedtime story?

ASHLEY: Yeah!

BRIAN: Should we stay here? Should we go?

TRAVIS: There once was a mouse. He died.

ASHLEY: We could go.

BRIAN: Well guys. Guess this is a perfect time to announce...AXYB is back. Go over to Twitch and watch them now. We love you. Good night!

[all cheering]