#got mixed feelings abt these but thats a problem for later me

[snowflakebottles-art]

did an aqua and wanted to do the other two to go with her

almost finished with bbs yippee :^)

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

Asking for a friend, HOW DO I GET RID OF THIS DUDE.

So BASICALLY, My brother brought his friend over, which is also a sorta friend of mine, we'll call him brody for now, and I was chatting with the two as you do with your friend and brother, right? Its like 8 pm, we're on the porch, and my brother goes "I'm tired of being outside I'm going in." So obviously because idk this dude on that level, I've talked to him IN SCHOOL AND IN SCHOOL ONLY, was like "Oh yeah I'll probably go inside too" THEN MY BROTHER WITH HIS BITCH ASS SAID "You're gonna leave brody alone? Fr?" LIKE YOU BROUGHT HIM OVER. Anyways, I smacked my brother ON ACCIDENT, and he chased me into the drive way, all three of is are still talking. (Its mainly those 2), and then my brother goes inside. So I'm standing there AWKWARDLY, NO SHOES, A HUGE T SHIRT AND SHORTS COLD AS BALLS, trying to exit the convo and go inside. But he just would NOT let me go, and proceeded to start talking about how people in my group of friends have been giving him "mixed signals", I go who?? And he says nvm. Like okay FREAK wtv, but then we got on the topic of how my brother told me about Brody asking him if I liked him, I said my brother rat him out. This dude, Istg, goes "I can't believe he told you I liked you" ..... I never said that? So I was like "erm.. He never told me that..." And he WALKS BACKWARDS AND STARTS THROWING HIS HEAD AROUND LIKE HES EMBARRASSED OMG. I'm just standing there awkwardly REALLY trying to go now, because I've already got the love of my life yk? We get on the subject of smth and I go "I actually have some, do you want a couple?" He agrees, so I walk inside get shoes on and came back out then gave him the stuff. He ends up telling me to sit in the chair next to him, I'm still sitting there going "Idk its cold, and I'm kinda tired." LIKE ITS ABOUT 10 ATP, IM TRYING TO LEAAAVVEEE.

But. I'm soft hearted, I have a DIFFICULT time saying no to people so I sit. Then we're kind of chatting back and forth, but mostly silence and he keeps bringing up how hes "sooo embarrassed" abt him liking me, "have you ever... Yk.. Liked me? Because you were the one I got the most mixed signals from.." 😰 GET OUT? But I felt bad for the embarrassment and wanted to make him feel a bit better, and I was like "Erm.. Yeah I while ago before I got with ____" HE KNOWS ABOUT MY PARTNER OKAY, LIKE MY PARTNER LIVES FAR BUT I HAVE MADE IT APPARENT WITH THE PEOPLE I KNOW THAT I HAVE A PARTNER. I'VE GOT A BBG. SO HE ALREADY KNOWS HIM BY NAME. "Oh really?" Silence. "Yeahh".

LIKE I WAS BEING SO STUPID, BUT I FELT SO BAD FOR HIM.

"I can't believe you LIKED ME, what made you like me out of all people?" Dawg the way I PANICKED. "Well this was before I knew you, but it was because you were quiet and nice to my brother." LIKE THATS ALL I COULD THINK TO SAY BECAUSE I DON'T EFFING LIKE HIM BRUH. I WAS HOPING THAT HE LOST FEELINGS BECAUSE HE SAID "I used to" instead of using present tense, and I assumed we could get over it quickly and forget about it.

Nah. Tell me why. He started talking about how my WHOLE friend group has been giving him mixed signals, INCLUDING MY LESBIAN FRIEND, THE REASON? BECAUSE SHE MESSAGED HIM A LOT TALKING ABOUT HER PROBLEMS. LIKE WHAT? He mentioned another one of my friends and called her the "Chubbier big boobed girl".. Like wtf bruh? Excuse me? He said she was checking him out, so I had to bring that up to my poor friend, cause I want her to steer clear of him yk? BUT then he was talking about how he liked another one of my friends ALSO AT A POINT IN TIME, so I jokingly said "I'll put in a good word for you" this bitch. "What no?! I like YOU more." Ewwuh. I was caught off guard, but guess what. We stay strong. I mentioned his GIRLFRIEND, ANDD BROUGHT UP MY PARTNER TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM. Later on he has the audacity to tell me I should break up with him because he lives far away from me, (no?) And even asked if I still liked him. I said in the most serious, monotoned way "I don't think so." Left it at that, HE CAN'T TAKE THE HINT, LATER AGAIN HE GOES. "What did you mean by you didn't think so? Do you not know?" I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE ABOUT IT MAN. "I do know. I don't like you like that, haha." STILL TRYING TO BE NICE AND OMFG THE EVENTS THAT FOLLOWED. I go inside, I tell my brother about everything made him SWEAR not to say shit, but ofc next day he did, idc, at least he knows that I told the fib, at least I'm prettt sure he knows. BUT THEN HE STARTS BEING EXTRA TOUCHY, AND TRYING TO SPEND RANDOM ASS TIME WITH ME AND MT FRIENDS. He always kicked the back of my legs and I reciprocated BEFORE I knew he has a thing for me, and that was on if the things he took as "mixed signals", he SHOVED hie middle finger IN MY FACE, AS IM TEXTING THE LOML, BECAUUUSEE WHY? BECAUSE HE WOULD FLIP ME OFF AND I'D DO IT BACK, BUT I STOPPED DOING THAT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HANG AROUND SOMEONE WHO HAS A THING FOR ME, AND KNOWS ABOUT MY LOVER!!!!!! He basically CLUNG onto my hip ALL DAY today, he followed me around flicking me, trying to banter with me just doing a bunch of random shit that was HONEST TO GOD, starting to PISS me off. My friend had to tell him to stop flicking me, because he DIDN'T TAKE THE HINT WHEN I SIDE EYED HIM. This dude omg. My friend who he has a thing for BLOCKED him today, and he started being all sad mid class looking at me and shit, I ignored that hoe man, not getting involved because I COULD NOT care. He ended up trying to confront me by saying I haven't been really talking to him since that night, and I'm just like "okay?".

Dude, BUT WHAT MAKES ME MAD THE MOST, I was in a class with that friend and the lesbian friend, I always go to that class because I love the teacher, I WAS LATE TO MY 5TH PERIOD BECAUSE HE FOLLOWED ME IN THERE, AND HOVERED OVER ME AND MY FRIENDS. I kept telling him to move because I'M TRYING TO GO, AND MY BAG WAS NEXT TO HIM, BUT HE DIDN'T MOVE?! I literally had to shove him out of my way, I admit a bit harshly, and he still continued to follow me SIDE BY SIDE, BLOCKING my bag. Like quit fucking playing with me man, I'm trying to get to my class. So I again was just like "Get out of my way I'm trying to get my stuff" thank the LORD he listened because I would have dragged him out of the class my his hair and throw him out if he hadn't. Ended up late, and he STILL continued to follow me. Granted though, we have the same hour. I don't sit next to him because we AGAIN were never CLOSE. So I sit next to my other friends, obviously. Its all good its okay, hour ends, I meet my friends up HES STILL FOLLOWING ME, STILL BLOCKING MY WAY AND JUST HOVERING OVER ME. But wtv, I have next hour with him and I don't sit next to him so idc, and then I have one more hour, AND IM HOME.

I went home. He came home with my brother. Their other friend took them home, and stopped by a store and they got baby bottles with, HIS WORDS NOT MINE, "Choccy milk" in it. I'm in my room, they BURSTED through my door to show me this bs Idgaf abt, so I'm just like "Cool." I notice brody coming closer to my room, so I'm shutting the door, they BOTH say "Not gonna talk?"... Bruh.

"Tired, so uh nah." Shut the door. My brother then proceeds to go take a shit (lmaos I'm too immature I can't), and he messages me telling me to come be social. "Come be social mf" "I don't want toooo", "mf" "alr" "I'm gonna throw this baby bottle at you", I am seriously tired and wanting to take a nap so I just go, "😒". HE BURSTS THROUGH MY DOOR, NO CONCERN FOR WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT, AND THROWS THE FUCKING BOTTLE AT ME.

Atp I'm just annoyed so I grab it give it to him, he goes "Why don't you want to come talk to me" "I'm tired." "Well so am I?" "Okay? I'm going to bed." "Oh" "Yeah." I shut the door, he says "Not gonna dap me up?" Yeah no I don't do that shit leave me alone, I ignored him and slept like a baby.

(Hes still texting me, and Ik I was shitty for lying about it, but I panicked and thought the feelings he had for me were GONE, and didn't want him to associate the embarrassment with me, and make it awkward for all of out mutual friends. I'm wanting to block him, or unadd him wtv, but I know I'll feel bad for him, and he'll end up telling my brother, then my brother will come after me for it.)

I just have NO clue what to do, because avoiding him, and being dry, or just NOT ANSWERING isn't working. I feel like he thinks he may still have a chance, but I've established that I don't want to be involved with anyone else but my partner. WITH EVERYONE. But he's made my friend uncomfortable with the hovering and talking to her or wtv, and thats where I draw the mfing LINE. I'm atp angry and annoyed with him as a whole, and I no longer want to be nice to him. I no longer want to talk to him, and I tried so hard to be nice about it.

ALSO, he told me when he was getting mixed signals from me, and it was literally the time he was going down snowy hills and I said be careful ovee a vm, and tried to get out of conversating with him by saying I was going homework. 💀

I swear he might have a complex for girls liking him, because he LEGIT FIRMLY believes everyone I'm friends with has a thing for him, and he talks about it like he has a thing for them too. 😭

This rant was too long, but MY GOD. I feel like I'm DYING.

yeah ngl at that point u just gotta kill him or smth .

no but seriously what the FUCK.... like this is actually crazy??? the fact he thinks all ur friends has a thing for him and cant take a hint when U dont... bae i know u dont wanna but i fear u rlly should just unadd him or block him cause i genuinely think that might be the only way he'd get some SORT of hint.. even if ur brother does come after u bc of it like.. a small price to pay for a chance of freedom in my opinion...

[highendphasers]

a brief evaluation of near and mello’s dynamic within the story, because i wanna get some things cleared and organized in my head. this is probably gonna be a bit messy, so i apologize in advance. 

i’d like to start off at wammy’s. even though we’re given very little insight to how wammy’s actually behaved, we know a very important fact about mello’s life there - he was always second, no matter what he did. he needed to try when near didn’t. i think people misunderstand mello’s thought process here, and automatically jump to the conclusion that mello hates near himself. in my opinion, mello really only hates his status as number one, and hates how he’s better at practically anything he tried to do. this was a big factor in his growing inferiority complex that never left his mind and left him aching to be ahead of near. this wasn’t about near as a person, but rather, his struggle to being seen for what he’s good at himself and his ache to be better at something. let’s get that out of the way.

their actual relationship at wammy’s is pretty blurry. mello says that they never got along, and near gave off the impression that they were on pretty good terms and still talked about mello fondly over the years. i’m gonna go out on a limb and say that mello was coming from his rank perspective and near was coming from their interactions and the way they got along otherwise. near seems to know quite a lot about mello, which leads us to believe that they were around each other pretty often. i like to think that this, mixed with near’s attachment problems and mello’s general distaste towards wammy’s house and all inhabitants (AND mello’s habit of lying) makes their relationship as kids as competitive, with some complicated feelings about each other, but being in each others space more often than not. note: this does not exclude mello’s hatred towards being number two. he was still a dick to near abt that. it gets a bit more complicated after L’s death, and the years following. i stand firm by the fact that i don’t think mello ever hated or will hate near. near has never hated and will never hate mello. when mello might be a factor in the kira case, near doesn’t say all that much about it - simply “you always let your emotions get ahead of you”. near thinking fondly and rather kindly of mello over these years is proof enough to me that he still values him in his life and even trusts him more than he trusts the SPK. he pretty much let mello get a hold of valuable information and even come into their headquarters scot-free. they’re going towards the same goal, just with different passions and different ways of getting there. near’s ambition is directed through the SPK. mello’s ambition is fully within himself.  i think that they’re both manipulative in their own ways. near accepts the challenge of a race despite not thinking about it like one (his hair covering his eyes, which is always a telltale sign of a lie in manga). he uses mello behind the scenes to get more information which pisses mello ALL the way off because of his need to be his own person. mello regularly manipulates the people he needs to work around to get what he wants and i think this is one of the traits that they both share with L and also a reason why they would have no moral problems working as a team lol. mello’s feelings towards near have deepened and gotten way more torn apart especially after the explosion, because while mello pulled the trigger to set off the bombs, i have a small theory that mello at least partially blames near for cornering him (and blames the rest on himself for being so stupid as to even let him come close to backing him into such a dangerous wall). nonetheless, mello is pissed and angry and he Needs To See Near. and even when he sees him, he leaves with a smile from a promise of doing the thing they did most - compete against each other. they feed off each other, and that is SO important. they both want to go their own ways in life and that’s no question. they butt their personalities together often. nothing could convince the other something unless they REALLY put in the effort and dedicated themselves to it in a formative and healthy way (which, as we’ve seen, will take many years of therapy and more than one fight). they have so many contrasting traits, and completely different foundations, yet share core similarities. near knows he’s better and mello is desperate to be better. you can see bits of near in mello and bits of mello in near whether this came naturally or from them rubbing off on each other subconsciously. when near discovered the true way mello died, he put his head down in what i would like to think is grievance. mello didn’t have to give near any information, he didn’t have to threaten to shoot instead of put a bullet in his head the moment he walked in. he didn’t have to stay close to near. i think thats something a lot of people miss. in the end, they stayed close, metaphorically. they were two sides of the same coin. i think in the sense of meronia it wouldn’t make for a 100% healthy relationship, but a VERY interesting one. the need and want for each other despite them both knowing they could never live together or be with each other 100% of the time because they’re both stubborn and need different stimuli. stolen makeout sessions and complicated dislike that mixes with being hopelessly in love. mello goes back to near and near goes back to mello even though they know they shouldn’t and after years of growth and development (if mello lived) i think it would make for a pretty nice dynamic after plenty of nights spent together and then abandoned and arguments that formed new understandings and.... Yea. yea.  that’s my take for the night! i wanna add onto this later and maybe edit it and rerelease it but. we will see. i love near and i love mello and i think they want to kiss 100% of the time.

[pechebeche]

Sorry, I should be clearer. You don't have to post this. I did see the 'callout' but I didn't know them. I thought the Ace Discourse takes were non-issues but then I saw the part about antiblackness and thought, "OK, I see where they got that from". And at the time it looked like someone had informed you but you were ignoring it. If they didn't, and you weren't, that's a different story. I'm sorry you were harassed, I don't agree with that. But you did seem unaware of why it came across so bad.

alright. i am going to outline the two major accusations i think you're talking about - one of which was completely off the wall, and one of which actually was a good critique of my actions, which was then mixed in with all the other accusations.

the first was that i defended a slavery au. that's fucking insane. i never did that. what i DID was not block a user who had created one and later apologized, because the only person who talked with me about it was anonymous. i was not quite as suspicious of anons then as i am now, but friends of mine had been the victim of abusers twisting genuine mistakes and co-opting activist language to isolate and turn people against their victims, so i had a policy of not doing anything based on an anon's word alone, since i couldn't check their credibility. i instead said that i would follow the lead of poc in the community, which i later did by blocking the artist.

in retrospect, it was my whiteness that allowed me to give them the benefit of the doubt that their initial au was a mistake and that they might deserve a second chance. that was not my call to make. it is also, in large part, because i gave literally everyone the benefit of the doubt. i gave genuine responses to an anon who said i was 'playing the sexual trauma card' three times before i realized they wouldn't listen. that doesn't justify it, though, and was a character flaw as a pushover just as much as it was racist. i was wrong for that.

(as a side note, the anon later cited this discussion on twitter as proof i had 'talked over and refused to listen to' a person of color, as if....i just. had some sort of Spidey Sense that tingled when an anon was white. i still pretty firmly believe that a lot of that discussion came from a basic, widespread misunderstanding of what anonymity fully entails, but that's a conversation for another time.)

the other major accusation is one i will freely admit, as i always have, was a fully warranted and credible one in its original form. i had been commissioned to write a kingston/kugrash fic, and there had recently been a rash of discussion that i had never seen beforehand about the ship being disliked. i was uncertain whether it was inherently racist, and thus if i would need to back out of the project and refund the commissioner, or if this was just a personal issue that people had.

without knowing more about what the problem was, it was hard for me to google 'problematic rat curse shipping' with hope of any actual answers, so i asked an open question about what the specific problem was on twitter (which i did, to my little credit, clarify several times throughout the conversation that no one was obligated to respond to or engage with, and that i was certain the fault was mine for ignorance). another user very kindly and patiently explained to me the importance of canon interracial ships that don't involve white people. i asked what i, at the time, thought was a clarification question about the lack of non-het characters of color to ship in interracial relationships, but what in retrospect was very much a defensive attempt to push through the issue with as little change to my actions as possible. they rightfully called me out on being performative; i apologized and promised to look back on the conversation later and reflect on it.

i learned after the fact that the other person involved was a minor, and upon learning it, immediately deleted all of my part in the conversation. i don't regret that. my memory of that time is too fuzzy to know whether what i said would have damned or aided me, but ultimately, that doesn't matter at all in comparison to making sure that user wouldn't face any of the harassment that i later did. they're one of the other people who i really, truly believe was well intentioned, and whose advice i still take very seriously when reflecting on my actions.

the call out post was made the next day. it was possible to frame it as my 'being informed but ignoring it' by utterly distorting the context of the first accusation, and thus being able to use the second, much more credible accusation to prop it up as more legitimate. i am not going to pretend i didn't make mistakes, because i did, and i will continue to. but i wanted to, and was willing, to learn. i think the fact that i still tried to parse genuine criticisms from harassment even as i actively regressed to my lowest points, and am still trying to more than a year later, is evidence of that.

in the end, though, the veracity of the racism accusations wasn't actually the root of the poster's hatred of me. (i actually recall making a post at the time stating that when i talked about people harassing me, i specifically was not talking abt critiques of my racism, and that i was grateful that people were calling me out and forcing me to adjust my perspective. there was a very clear distinction between people trying to educate me and people trying to hurt me.) what they hated about me was that i wrote nsfw fanfic about aged up characters, and that, when told that this made people uncomfortable, promised to make it easily blockable for them, but did not outright remove them, because i felt that as i was writing about adults in a consenting relationship and the pieces were largely a proxy for delayed-by-trauma exploration of my own sexuality, i didn't feel there was anything inherently immoral about them. thats what they hated me for. that's why i was called a pedophile and a bitch and had my chosen name mocked widely. the poster stated outright thats why they hated me. the accusations of racism were, i believe, largely to pad the post out for people who wouldn't hate me for that alone.

[icharchivist]

hello icha!!!!! learned from my mistakes and typed this out in a separate document. first i have to say im feeling a very deep connection with citron as of late bc i was giving myself a pep talk abt like physics and i told myself "face up and man the music!" and was like "...is that wrong. theres that song called man against the music isnt there... yeah it must be right" and. well i realized later. i also think the phrase "dont cry because it happened, smile because its over" is very good. also I’m halfway thru creating a very eclectic list of like. a Pokémon team for each a3 character which is… something. kinda knew it would happen to me. might take a while for me to finish it tho now that I’m halfway bc I’m suddenly having a crisis like “wait shit I’m only confident on my understanding and characterizing of like 4 characters am I good enough” so… it’s slow going lol. anyways. i finished that damn physics thing I was giving myself a pep talk about and so am treating myself to autumn/winter. happens that watching these events is also like. the only thing which reminds me to actually like. log into a3 lol. i am so bad at gacha games. probably a good thing in the long run. ok starting from the top!

hisoka going "zzz" as his reaction made me immediately go... oh dear, please dont fall asleep in the bath and guess what happened. yeah. good thing homare was there lol. speaking of i fucking adore homare and his poetry. id buy his collection. i also wish there was a collection like if there was a master list of every poem he says in like. at the very least main story. if not i will literally do it myself. i love homare so much im like him in that back when i had to play dodgeball id always be like kufufufu they cant hit me if im friendless enough that no one pays attention to me but like in my case it actually worked out. on the subject of the pillow fight tho, hisoka's crazy strong pillow fight throw... one more mark on the list for suspicious, maybe assassin occupation. this event made me realize how much i missed winter like. i saw the stranger pretty recently (which has caused the effect of be being like "taichi!! thats my boy!!" in my head everytime he shows up lol but anyways i havent gotten to a winter play yet so im VERY hype. especially bc this seems like it stars hisoka and homare??? like oh!! oh!!!! also detective fiction... im swooning. i also just enjoy the hisoka homare dynamic a whole fucking lot i think its nice how homare was like "yeah im ride or die for this funky lil amnesiac, why wouldnt you be?" and its just like. nice. feel like hes always reaching out to hisoka which is like. man homare is so nice.

back to chronology. ofc sakyo goes cheap for the hot springs lol. on brand as ever. was very hype for the azuma sakyo dynamic bc all i remember is like azuma trashing everyone including sakyo at some game or the other in one of the winter chapters and it was very good. or was this a clip in like a stage play? either way it was delightful. at first i misinterpreted taichi going "…" after azuma and sakyo said theyd never been on a field trip bc like. taichi being quiet or noncommunicative... after going thru autumn troupe act 1 it makes me fear for my life a little lol. anyways im glad he was just like planning fun times. speaking of taichi tho we got a tasuku taichi pair for etudes!!!! im not spoiling myself for later events but i hope to GOD tasuku and taichi do like a lead co lead in SOMETHING or at least like some mixed troupe event i want them to talk!!!

also dunno if this is an intentional pun but i enjoy that its called high spirits at the hot spring bc like oh theyre having fun but also bc like. "spirits" is used to refer to a certain type of alcohol i think? which is cool. dunno if its intentional but i liked that. anyways the talent show. taichis moving rendition of single ladies... ok i know it said single fellas but like. we know. wonder if that line was a different song in japanese? its not too old at ALL tho imo. anyways the way banri and juza being themselves Are the entertainment... flashback to when banri slaps juza live on stage instead of doing a stage slap lol. my reaction to azuma essentially went:

azuma: I can offer to bare my soul, and a little more ;)

izumi: what do u mean by that???

me: hey tasuku and omi were shirtless what's ur problem with azuma

anyways i reread and from what i understand they were maybe only flexing and doing a gun show? which like. no wonder it didnt last too long then lol. also explains why they didnt have shirtless sprites i suppose lmao. i am SO curious abt what azuma ended up doing tho that fade to black is so mysterious! did he tap dance? did he pole dance? the world will never know...

oh also im not like super familiar with azuma yet but my read on his personality is definitely like "I am so touch starved All The Time but I will be chill. :) :) this is fine :)" like he just seems to rly like being around people! just like basking in presence whether or not hes rly talking that much.

i enjoyed that juza mentioned pillow fighting with his lil brother... thats nice! i think a lot of this event was just focused on ppl having fun over the drama lol bc it got wrapped up sooo quick. i liked the bit where sakyos worried that izumi was out late searching for him tho it was so sweet. table tennis match was very fun although id argue calling hisoka and juza the two quietest tho lol like... banri exists so juza isnt quiet. just like inevitably. finally, the event cg!!! azumas hair tied up... so nice! thats how I tie my hair up sometimes tho it doesnt look nearly as nice lol. taichi rambling abt his first love for so long tho... lol. ill be honest i have to reread autumn bc i was not aware of this whole situation until it came up in the stranger and i like inferred from there. the end of this event was nice! it was cute. i dont rly have much thoughts on it but im so hype for the winter play

Hello:!!! so good to see you again, freshly learning from your mistakes then :3c

the connection with Citron is a BLAST to read about. I am glad that Citron is there, on your mind, supporting you at every turns of language. It's beautiful.

AND OH THE POKEMON LIST!!! thrilled to hear about it being a wip ongoing! take your time ofc and i hope you'll feel more confident as you go for your characters interpretation! i believe in you!

lmao i'm glad the events help you remember to play a3, i'm sure that by the time you'll be done with the events you will have unlocked so much of act 2 you won't have to worry too much about it. Anyway i'm glad you treat yourself to good things :3c

of course Hisoka fell asleep in the bath. tbh this event was a lot of "Hisoka almost dies in a spring house multiple times if it wasn't for his troupesmates". Between sleeping in the bath and almost swallowing the table tenis ball... where would we be without Winter, and especially Homare, taking care fo him.

I'm SO GLAD you like Homare that much! he's so so good! i'm sure there must be a masterlist somewhere, or well. can be done anytime i guess?? but yeah Homare is fantastic and LDJFDLKFJDF the evil plan to avoid dodgeball from both of you.. this is incredible DLKJFDLKF. But yeah alas he's loved by his own so he gets hit smh.

And yeah Hisoka is just acting sus huh.

BUT YEAH... YEAH... WINTER... BELOVED.... I feel regular and normal feelings for Winter as you know, s o .

(i'm so delighted that you feel that way about Taichi though, as he deserves!! what a good boy!!!)

But yeah Winter play next!!!!! i love the winter plays so much i hope you'll like it as well!! aND YEAH HISOKA AND HOMARE AS A DUO... for a DETECTIVE story?? so good.

I'm sO GLAD you like their dynamic! yeah i adore it too. Homare was so quick to leap into taking care of Hisoka? Like i mean he immediatly called him sleeping beauty when they first met, and immediately decided to be his roommates to watch over him, and then he did everything to take care of him and it's just so sweet. Homare has such a big heart he's so gentle with Hisoka. Homey and comfortable, whenever Hisoka admits it or not ahah.

ahah wouldn't be Sakyo if he didn't need to stay cheap. BUT YEAH the Sakyo/Azuma dynamic is pretty good. oh the event you talk about i think is in some of his very first backstage storyes (that you can read if you have them since they're at this point of the chronology). There's one where they play a mafia game and Sakyo is warry of Azuma because "people like him are those you need to worry about the most" and Azuma is just ":) you wound me :) i would never :)" and then Azuma wins the game and starts to mess with everyone. It was so fun. and yeah i see which clip you mean for the stage play!! it's so so fun they have such a neat dynamic and i loved to see it in this event as well.

and omg worrying about Taichi while he was just there preparing a fun time! this child really would have worried us all back then huh

but AHH YEAH TASUKU TAICHI.... It's such a neat dynamic! ofc i won't say anything but man i love the potential of their stories, as the two ex Godza boys. To see them bond and be comfortable with each other always make me so soft.

OH NICE CATCH FOR THE PUN! i think it must be the reason for it tbh, i love it! thanks for pointing it out!

The talent show was really fun yeah ahah! I wonder what it is in Japanese too but at least the localization was hella fun!

"anyways the way banri and juza being themselves Are the entertainment." THEY'RE SO SILLY I love them so much

AND LMAO YOUR REACTION AT AZUMA I LOVE IT. YEah i think Tasuku and Omi are just flexing (which is Still. SO FUNNY. Just there saying "our talents is.. our muscles...") meanwhile Azuma is like "my talent is that i'm crazy hot :)"

But YEAH Azuma... AZUMA WHAT DID YOU DO....

your read on Azuma's personality feels pretty spot on to me ahah omg. Staying with what you know about him, the fact that with his job and all, he seems like he's starving for connection while also terrified to make himself emotionally vulnerable. He loves staying with people, listening to them, caring for them, and he's touch starved as hell (i mean it's his job) but he doesn't seem to really know how to be on the receiving hand of affection. there's a flair talk, i can't remember where, with Omi at some point, where Azuma compliments him, and Omi is just "mhm.. but you know i think that it's more about you" and ends up complimenting Azuma in depth and it let Azuma dumbfounded because he didn't expect Omi to trick him at his own game, while Omi just genuinely don't get why Azuma is reacting that way. He gives he gives he gives, and he's genuinely happy with that, but he seems to have difficulties to take, or to demand for something, while also starving for it. I have so many emotions for Azuma.

Any mentions of Juza's little bro are the best things. I love this type of mention TwT

And yeah it was such a laid back event. Honestly deserved after the crying fest that was The Stranger imo. It's good to relax once in a while and it was nice to have them have fun. There was the bitterness of both Azuma and Sakyo's past that was always a bit looming but everyone was working so hard for them to enjoy themselves that the joy just overtake any sadness i loved it.

Sakyo worrying about Izumi is always adorable TwT

And yeah the Table Tennis match was so fun and chaotic LMAO. I love the dynamic between Juza and Hisoka. Just two usually quiet boys who like sweets. Except that yeah like you say, as long as Banri is around, Juza cannot be 100% quiet. Rip.

THE CG WAS SO PRETTY i loved seeing it. And omg you can share your hairtips with Azuma how nice :D Azuma manages to make everything look beautiful smh....

Oh yeah Taichi and his first love! if i recall he mentions it quickly at the begining, that Yuki reminds him of his first love, and he says that again at some point - then the fake Portrait he does he mentions his first love again. And since then it's been a reccuring topic so yeh :3c

but yeah! this event was really sweet and laid back, not much to say about it, but it was nice to have it at all!

Hope you'll like the winter play :3c

Take care and thank you again for your thoughts <33 i love reading them!! bless you!!

[aresrl]

I hihi I am!!! A little nervous w/ doing this bc I've never done this b4 so please bear🐻 w// me💦 May I request a match up? A vision, a romantic partner and maybe a friend and/or enemy? If that's too much feel free to just assign me a vision + partner, ehe/// Preferably male for a romantic match-up, but either gender is fine with a friend and enemy match-up^^ I tried to be as detailed as possible but I think I ended up just ranting, so im v v sorry if it's long! I sort of fluctuate when it comes to being an introvert/extroverted. W// strangers and irl, I'm very introverted and shy!! Rarely speak and if I do it's just the usual "Hi how are you? That's good. I'm good too, thank you for asking:)" yeayea I'm not too. Keen on social interaction irl. But I always do my best to be very nice!! I never wanna come off as mean bc wow what a bad first impression that would be. But with friends / ppl ik online?? Whew I am very very friendly n chatty ^^ Either very high energy or very chill, there's rarely any inbetween. Sometimes I like to jokingly tease my friends but I'd never go too far / make them uncomfortable!! And if I do I always apologize right away!! I like to say that I'm affectionate?? My strongest love language is def physical affection, if not quality time. Idk man there's just something about vibing with someone or hugging them that just aaaaa/// Although I usually display affection w// words of affection bc. Literally most of my friends are online friends so I can't actually hug them, sad times. Idk if this is needed/important info but I just remembered: I'm 5'6 around??? Need glasses bc. Whew i am blind (near sighted), I'm poc (specifically black) anndd, hm. Actually I think thats it for this section, aha. As you can see I'm, not really all that organized. Also I don't have the best attention span - while writing this I'm circling between 4 different apps - and I'm a bit of a mess. And also a little stupid. Just a smidge dumb. But I have my moments - I solved like. 2 puzzles in Inazuma by myself so I think that counts for something. I also find that I tend to talk a whole lot when I have an idea or smthn to say abt a thing I'm super interested in!! That's info-dumping. I info dump. Yes. I also really like to listen to other people talk abt things they like!!!! Its so nice :) I'm protective over people I care about!! I've never done it but 100% would bark at someone who messed with someone close to be. Arf arf yaknow. I tend to he impulsive. I'll do something, and be all "YEAH>:D" and then regret it later. And then I'll do it all over again in a fun little cycle :) I consider myself an optimist, but quickly turn into a pessimist whenever it concerns myself. Fun funfun. Should probably mention that I am. A very insecure person w/ dangerously low self esteem, which is super fun esp when you mix that with the fact that I'm rarely ever motivated to improve. Yayayay Also sort of a pushover?? Like most often than not I'll be convinced to do something, even if I'm not too keen on doing it. Also afraid of confrontation when it comes to my friends and strangers (that is, if it's concerning me!! I'll order smthn for my friend but if I need to order for myself?? uhh stutter time aha). I'm also a mega simp ahah! Srsly though if I fall for someone/get infatuated with someone I. Will be so obvious abt it even though I try very hard not to be. Would gush over that person probably. I don't really like mean people tbh. Like yes I'll be nice and civil with them but!!! I cannot stand!!! Rude people!!! Esp when they're mean for no reason like sir??? maam??? homie??? chill pls ty<3 People who aren't necessarily mean, but moreso have bastard energy and are just really "hehe>:D" but playfully are p poggers tho!!! I think I get along with kids!! I have a little sister,, around like. Nine? And we get along really well!! I also try and match a kid's energy whenever I'm tasked with looking after them. I take pride in the fact that kids like me >:].... even if they sometimes scare me-- Ok, interest time!!

I like art!! Quite a bit!! Less of a realistic artist and more of a cartoonist!! Idk there's just something fun abt drawing cartoons, hehe. I also like self ships - I have quite a bit of them, actually ! Idk its comforting drawings your fictional crushes loving you idkidk. I like writing too! Both original stories, and one-shots or personal fics that are associated with already created media!! Writing character backstories and personalities and stuff is also fun too! I've even made my own fictional world with a full fledged backstory n everything! It's very fun to think about. I'm a day dreamer!!! Yea remember when I said I write stories? I day dream abt potential stories even more. Mmm daydream world so nice so warm so fun I read aswell!! Mostly fantasy books, or stories where animals are the protagonists. Think Warrior Cats. But my favorite book series has got to be Guardians of Ga'Hoole. Fantasy owl books, anyway! X Readers are also things I enjoy reading :) Again, s I m p Also gaming!!! Is something fun I do sometimes!!! Although it's usually Genshin Impact, or Wii Sports/Resort w// my little sister. Oh, also pokemon! I rlly like Primarina, Vaporeon, Sylveon and Vulpix/Ninetails! I absolutely adore sweet foods, and baking is smthn I'm def interested in! Don't like foods w// weird textures though, like beans or mashed potatoes. Also I. Love spice so much. Mmm love it when my mouth burns so bad. Don't have a favorite animal but I've had three cats in my lifetime (btw not important but my current cat is named Sylvester and. He's my baby boy) so I am. A very big cat fan. Probably not needed but I really like sword and claymore characters. Literally all of the characters I main are either sword or claymore users. Although I did get Diona, so I miiight start forcing myself to learn how to aimmm. I see that I tend to like people/characters that are a little more extroverted than me. Upbeat, happy type beat!!! Nice sunshine babies, :) I think thats it! I hope this was good enough? Again, first time doing this (at 2am nonetheless) so forgive me if I got too rambly or did anything wrong ^^ Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this! And I hope your day is good / you had a good day, depending on when you read this, ehe!

Hey! Sorry if the wait has been long! I also love Warrior Cats (I promise myself, one day I'll finish it.)

You received... A Pyro vision! Optimistic, enthusiastic, impulsive, reckless, and a lot of energy are the general characteristics held by the Pyro vision. • I hesitated between the Pyro and Hydro vision, but your energy distinguishes you from the Hydro vision. • You said you were impulsive, always doing something you might regret later but still doing it. • You react quickly: as you said, if somebody hurt someone you love, you won't think twice before barking. Your partner would be... Xingqiu! “This feeling was unexpected.” • At first, you were just friends, and Xingqiu really loved to tease you. Actually, you both teased each other. But eventually, a feeling of love towards you grew into Xingqiu. And that was reciprocated. • Your relationship is filled with teases, jokes, and good/funny moments where you mostly share what you commonly appreciate. • He also knows when to get serious: for example, he does everything to support you during your moments of struggle concerning your self-esteem. Your friend would be... Childe! “Luckily, I'm here!” • You two also share funny moments, especially during situations where your “stupidity” is overtaken by his insight. • Sometimes, he finds you cute. • He likes the fact that you get along well with kids. It leads you to great moments with him and his siblings. • You're quite the opposite in terms of self-esteem. I think it's a good thing because it makes you complementary. Your enemy would be... Albedo! A misunderstanding. • You wouldn't hate each other, but I think Albedo wouldn't like the way you use your energy, and when you're more in a chill mood (meaning you're more available for him to talk), he could get pissed at how much times he'd have to repeat himself for you to understand something. • He's very patient, but he understood quickly that his interests would maybe not be within your reach. • You would just be too different. Worth to mention • You and Venti are like drama queens in Mondstadt. You are good friends. But you both know that you can't be more, as it would eventually both drag you down (because of similar problems). • Klee is also your best friend: both of you share decisions that you definitely will regret later. Or maybe not. • Hu tao and you are kinds of silently competing over who's the best tease, and she beats you. My goal is definitely not achieved. I hope I can catch up tomorrow. And don't worry, it was surprisingly good for a first description!

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

[yellodisney]