#grungepo rants

[grungepoetica]

hey god? yeah you - abrahamic sky man, father of jesus, inspiration of mohammed, whatever you want to be called. come down here if you're real.

come here. lean in close.

DO I LOOK LIKE JOB TO YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT????????

[grungepoetica]

ngl, i think i didn't expect living in my sister's basement to be so rough but... this is gonna be a long few months until i can find my own place.

[grungepoetica]

welcome to my regularly scheduled crisis over not knowing whether or not getting a college degree is worth it

[grungepoetica]

just got told in the most dismissive way possible that my childhood cat died. i'm gonna go scream in the woods now.

[grungepoetica]

i wish it was enough to just casually exist in this world. and that i didn't have to push myself all the time just to make ends meet and be seen as worth listening to

[grungepoetica]

every time i get period cramps i think "maybe i do want to get a hysterectomy in addition to top surgery"

[grungepoetica]

more than anything i would like to cut my tits off and move into an suv and be a loser and maybe i'd be happy that way. no expectations in life. no smart kid. nothing but a loser dumbfuck in a car. would be nice.

[grungepoetica]

pretty sure i just failed another class. not sure if i'm gonna be able to graduate without pushing myself to the absolute edge of my ability next semester. doubly so if i can't get my stupid fucking community college registration to work.

[grungepoetica]

i love getting deadnamed out of nowhere /s

[grungepoetica]

you know... the more i think about it, the more i realize that the biggest thing hindering my transition is the fear that i'll end up alone because of it

like obviously i know i'll end up alone at the end of my life because that's how life and death work, but the journey to get there feels. very empty. large chunks of my family have had & will continue to have negative reactions (or acting like i never came out), friends are a very temporary presence that fade whenever somebody moves away, and the romance i thought i could depend on doesn't exist anymore

but so much of transition is physically and emotionally draining and the vast majority of people NEED others that they can lean on and trust with that level of vulnerability, and who also won't see this leaning as a burden

and i don't really have anyone like that. i have one or two friends that would be willing, but they don't have the resources to help as much as i need it, and my friends that have resources probably wouldn't be willing for one reason or another. which means i'm left with myself.

realistically i know that someone would be willing to at least try to help if i asked, but that doesn't make me feel less alone with this chaotic mess of gender anxiety and rejection and dysphoria and religious trauma and psychic damage from the looming threat of genocide. which i never want to bring up, because i don't want people to avoid me because i talk about the negative too much.

it's self-destructive and idk how to get out of it :/

[grungepoetica]

you know what the craziest part of the ides of march is? it'll forever be the day that my first love broke up with me.

[grungepoetica]

if my college could be affordable that would be great. some of us don't have the bank account to pay $2k a semester. not like their rich asses would know.

my rage at life is simmering. it is going to boil soon.

[grungepoetica]

oh god disney's got its greedy fingers in doctor who now. put us all out of our misery

[grungepoetica]

my dad called me last night and i stopped being nice about how his transphobia was affecting me. shouted at him and read him to filth and everything.

now he's saying he's gonna go to a support group to learn how to be better. lmfao. like good for you dude, but that's not going to undo two straight years of you telling me to my face that i'm not trans and that i can't trust my own thoughts and that i'm destroying myself and that you know better than i do about my own well-being.

go to gender spectrum meetings and then suck your own dick.

[grungepoetica]

FUCK i wish i could just see my partner. i want to go on walks with her and cook things and go shopping and sit on benches and snuggle and dance and enjoy the world and like. exist. fucking hell man

[grungepoetica]

i wish i felt like i had more value. as a person, as a student, whatever. the only time i feel like i have value anymore is when i'm doing drag and i KNOW that that's unhealthy