#guess he could say he's just not involved for any Personal connection to connor

[unproduciblesmackdown]

thinking vaguely of ways it could throw a wrench into things if, instead of possibly only observing / feeling obligated to apologize for connor pushing evan over, zoe had Also noted the part of the altercation with jared and said anything similar to jared and he was like “ugh i know right” re: connor

[bigskydreaming]

Brain topic du jour is reflecting on the frankly weird as fuck pattern in Dick’s life where....he barely ever experiences losses one at a time. Most of the loss he’s experienced in his life is compounded by him losing multiple people and other elements of stability all at the exact same time.

1) When his parents died, in some continuities this is coupled with him losing his extended family of his aunt and cousin as well, with his uncle left comatose and on life support for years before he eventually died as well. Even in continuities without Richard, Karla and John, the loss of Dick’s parents is compounded by the additional loss of his circus family in the sense that he was taken away from them by the state and their constant reassuring presences in his life were no longer comforts he was able to rely on.

2) When Jason died, Dick didn’t just lose his brother, as the tragedy was compounded by Bruce’s reaction. I’ll never be able to gloss over the effects of NTT #55, personally, because I think its too key to Dick’s entire characterization and the specific direction his character took in the years that followed this, to like....disregard that Bruce however unintentionally, while lost in his own grief, added to Dick’s own sense of loss for Jason in probably the worst way possible. As by kicking Dick out and telling him to leave his keys, Dick - having no way to know or guess that they’d ever reconcile, just like he never actually went back to the circus being a regular presence for him - to Dick, this was in essence the equivalent of his childhood tragedy all over again. Losing not just one family member, but his whole family in one sweep, and all the comforts and stability offered by a home he was forced to leave. Even Dick’s contact with Alfred was minimal for awhile, because why would the guy who basically JUST saw history repeat itself and was like, well I know how THIS tends to play out.....why would he think that if Alfred felt forced to actually choose between his loyalties to Bruce and Dick respectively, that Alfred would pick Dick over the man he’d known and raised from childhood himself?

3) Titans Hunt. I know I harp on this one a lot, but you can’t deny that it fits the pattern. Dick didn’t just lose one friend and teammate.....he lost Joey, he lost a good four or five lesser known Titans who nevertheless were people he viewed as directly HIS responsibility to keep safe. With these tragedies compounded by the fact that though comics played out a lot more slowburn and extended stories over years back then, like.....the aftermath of Titans Hunt was still everpresent and directly died into Dick’s reactions and emotions during the Mirage storyline and everything that happened with the failed wedding and his breakup with Kory AND the fact that he was literally forced off the team he’d basically founded, by the government agency that took over the team and appointed Roy as its leader in his stead.

3) Graduation Day. The second time the Titans disbanded it was again not due to a singular loss, because Dick didn’t just lose Donna at this point, but also Lilith died in the exact same story and though Lilith is criminally underused, like, she’s also one of Dick’s oldest friends. She was literally the first Titan to join after the original five. This then led into the Outsiders era, where Dick was shown to still be reeling from the losses of this story for an extended period of time, and in a fun parallel to the Titans Hunt aftermath, Dick was also ousted from his leadership of THIS team by essentially a vote of no confidence by his teammates (and uh, Bruce too, literally).

4) The Blockbuster arc. Where Dick’s emotional state was due to a continued string of multiple losses. He lost his apartment building and almost every one of the neighbors he’d built a community out of, as we’d been shown him actively involving himself in their lives and vice versa for YEARS before this point. Then he lost his circus, his childhood home, burned to the ground and with dozens of deaths - both spectators and actual performers Dick had known and loved as a child. Then he lost his relationship with Barbara, his sense of self-security and autonomy to Tarantula, he lost another teen vigilante who died in his colors, the mantle HE’D created, when Stephanie was believed dead in War Games, and it all culminated in losing the city he’d invested himself in as his CHOSEN home, the place he dedicated himself to protecting, when Chemo blew it up.

Oh just for the record - my nonexistent passport to the magical kingdom of Narnia for a fic that raises the point when bringing up Tim’s losses in the Red Robin era, that like.....ALL of the above happened at literally the EXACT SAME TIME as all Tim’s referenced losses occurred. Obviously Steph meant more to Tim than Dick on a personal level, but I also included her largely as an anchor point to the timeline, to show how that death, and not long after that Jack Drake’s and then Superboy’s.... occurred right smack in the middle of one of the absolute WORST periods of Dick’s life. To be clear, I don’t intend this to suggest that no actually, Dick had it harder than Tim - nah. 

No thank you. Hard pass. I hate that sort of thing even in support of my own faves over other characters. No, instead the thing I’d love to see explored more is just in light of the SPECIFIC angle fics take here - that Dick’s actions while Bruce was lost in time showed an obliviousness to everything Tim had lost lately - for literally ANYONE to bring up or introduce into the timeline here an awareness of everything Dick had lost AT THE EXACT SAME TIME PERIOD. To establish that actually, Dick didn’t just ‘not understand what it was like’ - rather, its more accurate to say that nobody in universe around this time ever shows an awareness of Dick’s own losses and says oh wait, that doesn’t track then. 

Because obviously, with this stuff put in proper perspective, Dick understands VERY VERY WELL the exact thing we’re accusing him of not understanding by being oblivious to Tim’s losses that he’s not actually oblivious to because he tries to talk to Tim about them all the time, while meanwhile its everyone else who has absolutely mum to say about the fact that Dick’s emotional state is compromised to hell and back at this point, not JUST because of losing Bruce, but also because *gestures wildly* literally ALL OF THE ABOVE in the exact same time frame Tim’s extended losses happened in.

And okay I am going to indulge in slight tiny itty bitty pettiness and point out my ire that so many fics set during this time tend to recite listicles of Tim’s losses, with Steph, Kon and Jack Drake at the very top of said list....while paying no attention whatsoever to the fact that STEPH WAS LITERALLY BACK BY THE TIME THE RED ROBIN SERIES HAPPENED. She’s LITERALLY a person Dick sends to check up on Tim after Tim turns Dick away when he tries himself. How are you gonna stress the impact Steph’s loss has on Tim when you’re not even acknowledging STEPH’S RIGHT HERE IN THE EXACT SPECIFIC CANON STORY YOU’RE CITING??? I just. afhioskhflafhlafhklfahlfa. 

And not to put too fine a point on it, but you know who ELSE was also back at the same time? CONNOR. Superboy LITERALLY was already back to life by the time the Red Robin series even began. Like, the issue where a resurrected Kon and Cassie (Wonder Girl) have a heart to heart about the fact that Tim and Cassie ‘connected’ during his absence and Connor stresses that this doesn’t bother him or make him feel negatively towards either of them at all, because hello, he was literally dead at the time, why would he mind that two of the people he loves most in the world sought comfort in each other? Yeah, that issue? Literally came out BEFORE Tim even became Red Robin.

I MEAN. I’m just saying, when people constantly take shots at Dick’s choices during this period because of how much Tim had lost before Bruce already, in order to shift focus away from the fact that Dick lost Bruce every bit as much as Tim did......and you repeatedly emphasize the SAME three names as the focal point of Tim’s losses while paying no acknowledgment whatsoever to everything Dick lost at the exact same time Tim lost these three.....it quickly becomes kiiiiiiinda relevant in my opinion THAT TWO OF THE THREE NAMES CONSTANTLY MENTIONED AS BEING TIM’S LOSSES ARE NO LONGER EVEN LOST BY THE TIME THE SUBJECT COMES UP. Again, I’m just saying! Pettily, mind you! I am aware of the pettiness, I just beg awareness of like *again gesticulates wildly at all of the above* ALL THAT!

LOL.

But I digress.

5) When Bruce was believed dead while he was lost in the timestream. Again, Dick didn’t just lose the father who had been the only parent in his life for almost TWICE as long as his first parents......this was coupled with the loss of numerous other sources of stability in Dick’s life. There’s the matter of his personal sense of identity and self-expression....Dick FOUGHT against becoming Batman, trying to handle Gotham in Bruce’s absence as Nightwing for as long as he could, because he knew being Batman was very much NOT going to be good for him. He put so much of himself into building his identity as Nightwing, establishing himself in that role, that self-image, that yes, I maintain it was an actual LOSS for Dick, to feel like he had no choice but to give that up and everything it meant to him and his own life, in order to essentially live Bruce’s life for him in his absence. 

Because it wasn’t just being Batman that Dick was struggling with at this time....he also had to act as the patriarch to the Wayne family, essentially raise Bruce’s ten year old son, step into Bruce’s old role in Wayne Enterprises, all while getting no acknowledgment for any of this, for literally LIVING his father’s life instead of the life Dick had worked so hard to build for HIMSELF....because of course Dick’s actions and struggles couldn’t even be advertised beyond the family and close friends, because the whole point of him doing all this was so that nobody else even realized that Bruce wasn’t really there anymore. Dick didn’t just assume Bruce’s responsibilities. Dick assumed Bruce’s life, so thoroughly that most people didn’t even put together that Bruce was ‘dead,’ between Dick handling Bruce’s actual roles and responsibilities while Hush made public appearances as him. 

Like, when you’re living someone else’s life so completely that nobody can tell they’re even gone....how on earth does that leave any time or space for you to have ANY kind of life of your OWN, y’know? Not to mention the fact that like in so many times previously....all this meant that Dick couldn’t even afford to let his grief for his own losses show, because he wasn’t supposed to be grieving any losses in the first place, that was the whole point of the con!

Additionally, couple this with the fact that throughout this time period, Dick didn’t have Tim to lean on at all, because it was never that Dick kicked Tim out or neglected him or didn’t care....he’d actively stressed how much he needed Tim, because the partner Tim was convinced Dick chose ‘over’ him - Dick was the first one to admit back then that he DIDN’T trust Damian yet, couldn’t afford to, because he was all too aware that Damian didn’t give a fuck about him yet and couldn’t be guaranteed to step in to have Dick’s back - because that required mutual trust that Dick literally just hadn’t had time to build yet. And add to THAT the fact that during this time, Jason was actively antagonizing the family and Dick in particular at every turn, trying to bring them all down and basically write over what all of them saw as Bruce’s legacy with Jason’s own version of what he thought that should look like.

Also also, take into account that unlike how often we see fanon depict Dick as just too stubborn or proud to ask for help, there’s the fact that he actually had very few avenues TO ask for help! As already established, he DID ask Tim for help. Not like Jason was an option at this time, and Dick’s friends weren’t actually just sitting waiting in the wings and groaning about the fact that Dick was trying to do all of this solo....nah, they kinda had their own problems, which Dick was all too aware of?

Like the fact that in the wake of Final Crisis, it wasn’t just Bruce that was believed lost. Many other key Leaguers like Martian Manhunter were dead or lost, with others struggling to fill the gaps left in their absence. Cry For Justice happened right after Final Crisis too....that story where Lian was murdered? So it wasn’t like Dick was remotely going to try leaning on Roy when Roy had just lost his freaking DAUGHTER and very much wasn’t handling it well (and not to overshadow Roy’s loss at ALL, but please let’s not act like Dick - who had literally been the person to put a baby Lian in Roy’s arms for the first time and had known that girl for pretty much her entire life - like, it shouldn’t be used to detract from Roy’s loss at all, but it shouldn’t have to, to just acknowledge that Lian’s loss right at this exact time was painful as fuck to Dick, who’d loved his niece like crazy.)

The pattern of compounding, concurrent losses in Dick’s life. I’m just saying. Its there.

And it extends into the New 52 as well, where Forever Evil came right on the heels of Dick losing his circus in THIS continuity to the Joker, just as a way to hurt him in Death of A Family. And with the aftermath of Forever Evil and Dick’s own literal death, being like....the complete loss of Dick’s entire life, even though he was revived quickly. That didn’t mean he got to live HIS life though, since Dick Grayson was believed dead and he was told had to remain so, so its like fuck whatever he actually wanted to do as he went about on the Spyral mission aka something that pinched his own sense of morality and personal agenda at every turn and was kinda the last thing a therapist would recommend for a trauma recovery period, lol. And like, for all the focus that was paid to how Dick’s family were hurt because they believed they’d lost him when he was actually alive, let’s not forget that for all intents and purposes, Dick DID lose his family in the wake of his resurrection because he was flat out told over and over that due to what ‘he’d LET happen to him’ he was an ACTIVE danger to them, and thus wasn’t allowed by Bruce to contact any of them or lean on them to any degree, until Bruce got amnesia and stopped blocking Dick’s pleas to return home by just not being there to pick up the secret phone line at all. 

(And omg, the obliviousness that just EMANATES off the hot takes that Dick had a ‘choice’ in all this and he still CHOSE to do what Bruce told him....like. LOLOL, stop being pissy about me bringing up the term abuse apologism when its literal victim blaming to paint the guy who had to be beaten into ‘agreeing’ to the Spyral mission in the immediate wake of the trauma of DYING, all while his father vocally blamed him for his own suffering and the ‘threat’ he now posed to his family, keying directly into the guilt complex Bruce knows damn well is at the core of most of Dick’s motivations.....fucking please. There’s no choice in all that. That’s active emotional, mental and physical abuse aimed at directly manipulating Dick’s actions, delivered by the guy who knows Dick best in the world and whose approval - particularly when Dick is at absolute rock bottom aka Current Location - matters more to Dick than just about anything because his sense of self-worth has more in common with dog shit than actual dog shit does. Or something. Idk. That analogy got away from me. But like. You get it.)

BUT. I. DIE. GRESS. (I guess).

Aaaaaaanyway, so yeah! That repeating pattern throughout Dick’s life of ‘loss? What loss (singular)? My losses only come in groups, lolol, fuuuuuun’ - mmmm. Yeah. So that’s what’s on MY brain right now. Thoughts?

[appleflavoredkitkats]

Who Are the Four Horsemen of the Dream SMP Apocalypse?

Art by: Viktor Vasnetsov

[TW’s: torture, death, murder, manipulation, alcohol, substance abuse, discussions about the end of the world, religion, starvation, violence, implied gambling, blood, alcoholism]

Word Count: 3.5k

INTRODUCTION

Hopefully I finish this before I feel too sleep-deprived, but I’ve been thinking about the presence of horsemen in Quackity’s “My Enemies” stream. These mysterious, hooded figures are quite odd to say the least, and their involvement with Las Nevadas still remains unknown. There has been a debate on whether there were three horsemen or four, and in my opinion, I believe that there are four horsemen present.

Why four? In the first scene, three horsemen arrive at the Dream SMP on a dark and stormy night. They seem to have come from the south, entering Eret’s castle from the back. As they stop to pull their Netherite swords out, air raid sirens are heard from the distance.

Similarly, in the last scene, Quackity is seen placing a book in Wilbur’s memorial before leaving, riding his skeleton horse, Ossium. The scene cuts from first person POV to third, and we see a hooded figure, presumably Quackity because of how both came from the same direction. Additionally, air raid sirens are also heard from a distance.

[MORE UNDER THE CUT!]

I theorize that these two scenes take place at the same time. The prequel scenes only began after we see the sequence of Quackity torturing Dream, and it ends after the flashbacks of Wilbur. We can synthesize that both these scenes are set at the same time, and that these horsemen are going to meet at a certain point on the prime path.

What may suggest that these four horsemen are supposed to be parallels to the biblical four horsemen?

Firstly, seeing the bits they do, Quackity and Schlatt do know a lot of biblical references. Schlatt has compared Tubbo to Jesus once, and Quackity has said many prayers as jokes in the Dream SMP. It’s just… easy to take inspiration from biblical symbols and references, and also, the four horsemen are just very popular figures in history, so you know, why not?

Also, this may also sound RIDICULOUS, but the fact that this stream establishes that Tommy got resurrected three days after he got killed is actually very reminiscent of, well, you guessed it, Jesus Christ. 72 hours is oddly specific, and I don’t think the cc’s made it that way for no reason. Tommy’s parallels to Jesus—which is a VERY funny phrase—could imply that the Dream SMP might draw more parallels to Christianity, and the four horsemen could be another one of these references.

Also, Quackity mentioned how in Las Nevadas, he made four casinos for him and the rest of El Rapids. So, we know four is a number we can associate with Las Nevadas, and there’s a chance Quackity gave these casinos to three other people. Four casinos, four horsemen.

What is the purpose of the four horsemen in the Dream SMP? When the air raid sirens went off, we can think of these four horsemen as the bringer of chaos or danger into the Dream SMP, very reminiscent of the purpose of the original four horsemen in Christianity. We can also connect it to the end of the world, as these four only appear when the world begins to end. This can imply that these four, who are most likely allies of Quackity in Las Nevadas, are somewhat connected to how the Dream SMP will end.

Now, who is who? Admittedly, it is difficult to find a definitive answer on which member represents what horseman, so I’ll try my best considering all the possibilities for each. I’ll add my own ranks on how probable I think they are, but I have to specify that these are subjective- I am not a beacon of truth, y’all.

So let’s get started.

Firstly, I want to discuss who might NOT be a horseman to narrow it down a bit:

Any minors might not be involved. In Sam’s face reveal stream, aka the first stream mentioning Las Nevadas, Quackity and Sam agree they don’t want Tubbo and Tommy to participate in underage gambling. Don’t know if this applies to Ranboo and Fundy (since he might be canonically a child? Who knows), so they get more of a pass, but the clingy duo might not.

The Syndicate. I’d like to think that the Syndicate, as well as Dream, are Quackity’s main foils of the server. As they are the richest and also the most skilled in PVP, Quackity stands no chance against them even with his sharp tongue. As these people are foils against Quackity, and also probably hate his guts, Quackity might not hire them at Las Nevadas. I theorize he’d probably use Dream as a watchdog against the Syndicate, but that’s a theory for another time. 

Additional point about Dream: he’s in prison.

Anyone from Kinoko Kingdom because it’s clear Quackity severed all ties with them.

The Eggpire is half-half. They can possibly join, but also can’t, Quackity can manipulate them into joining only for their inevitable demise, or Quackity wouldn’t wanna associate with them after the explosion incident. They’ll at least get a few passes in some categories, but again, not entirely sure.

CONQUEST

Also known as Plague, Pestilence, and in some occasions, both Jesus Christ and the Antichrist, Conquest is shown to be riding on a white horse, donning a victor’s crown and a bow. There are many interpretations of Conquest, especially with their ambiguous morality. Some people can perceive them as bad, representing the origin of many wars. Some people claim that they represent pestilence and plague as their arrows are slathered with the infections they want to spread. In some cases, they can also be interpreted as good, as their description is heavily reminiscent of Jesus Christ himself. Others would rebut that there is also a possibility that they might be a fake replica of Jesus created by Satan, thus making them the antichrist.

Sam (8/10)

Sam is my first choice when it comes to Conquest because, firstly, he fits the appearance. He is one of the only people in the Dream SMP who dons a crown, and they also possess a bow which they frequently use. I’d say that Sam as Conquest matches with his ambitions as a member of the Badlands, Pestilence or Plague match with his possible crimson infection, and Antichrist matches with his inability to keep Tommy, the possible Jesus figure on the SMP, alive or safe. 

My only issue is: would Sam be one of the three who arrived at the Dream SMP in the beginning? Sam is very strict with his job as warden, so it is unlikely that he would be seen far from it.

Any of the Eggpire (7/10)

As Conquest is heavily depicted with pestilence or plague, any of the Eggpire may fit under this category. As their goal as the Eggpire is meant to conquer the Dream SMP, this also matches with the goal of Conquest. Additionally, one of the Egg’s weaknesses is Church Prime, something heavily resembling Christianity, so if the Egg is its opposite, we can view the Egg as somewhat of an antichrist. 

I say Punz, Bad, Ponk, and Hannah have a higher chance of being Conquest, while Ant is a solid ‘maybe’. Punz could’ve been the one who blew up the Egg, Bad can be easily persuaded by Quackity, Ponk is one of the only capitalists of the server that may participate in Las Nevadas, and Hannah’s character heavily fits the theme of pestilence when it comes to nature. Additionally, I like to believe that Conquest was the horseman on the skeleton horse (that isn’t Quackity’s), especially since they were holding a dandelion in one shot, something that could be attributed to “pestilence” because a dandelion is a weed. This may imply that Hannah could be part, but because they haven’t interacted much beforehand, we wouldn’t be sure. More insight on Punz: he once mentioned he upholds his duties as mercenary more than he might love the Egg, so there’s a chance Quackity bribed him to join Las Nevadas.

The main con to this is that: why would the Eggpire willingly join Quackity, or why would the Egg allow them to join Quackity? I can see that Quackity might break their brainwashed states because he has a good way with words, but people like Bad, Ant, and Punz have stated that they’ve been fully controlled by the Egg. Also, Quackity makes it clear he wants to eradicate his enemies, so he might not want any members of the Eggpire to join Las Nevadas… unless there’s a traitor?

Schlatt, Mexican Dream, or Wilbur (6/10)

Heavily connected with winning if you take Manberg, Mexican L’Manberg, or L’Manberg into mind.

Wilbur also has a memorable crossbow, but I don’t know if that counts as a bow.

Any dead characters have a high chance of joining Las Nevadas because of its possible connections to death and the revival system of the SMP.

Other possibilities with short explanations and low but possible odds:

Eret: Has a crown, his betrayal can be seen as a “win”, has Tommy’s bow from the duel. Can be seen as an antichrist figure.

Jack: As he is against Tommy, he can be seen as an antichrist figure. Might be working with Las Nevadas because of his deal with Quackity.

Ranboo: He’s a minor, but he also has a crown and a bow so, maybe? He’s not much of a conqueror or winner, though.

Connor: Didn’t really conquer much, didn’t really win much, he’s just here because of Schlatt, honestly.

WAR

War is depicted to be holding a raised sword as they ride atop a red horse. After conquest, war is expected to follow, and War is tasked to break any type of peace on earth. He is tasked to kill, or make humans kill each other. The prominence of red symbolizes bloodshed or immense anger, something very present in war. Multiple depictions of War show him with his sword raised upwards, signifying the start of a battle.

Schlatt (9/10)

The man’s literally torn the Dream SMP apart (/lh). This man is always keen on fulfilling his goals, and if it means he’ll have to fulfill them in the most twisted of ways, he will do it. Him winning the Election brought immense conflict in the Dream SMP, and many people were torn apart on which side was the right or wrong side. One of Schlatt’s prominent colors besides blue would be red, as it is the color of his tie and the color of his ghost form’s horns. Red could represent the bloodshed of those who died during the Manberg-Pogtopia conflict, or red can signify the anger Schlatt had for his own cabinet.

Schlatt was also gifted a sword by Dream called “Shclatt”. The sword only holds heavy significance because of how Fundy treasured it like an heirloom.

Wilbur (8/10)

Another good possibility too as Ghostbur was recently seen to admire red a lot more than blue in one of Tommy’s streams. We can also view the creation of L’Manberg as a place that broke the peace in the Dream SMP as they didn’t really NEED to create L’Manberg and declare war, yet, he did. Red can also resemble his anger for what has been done to L’Manberg- everything is pretty self-explanatory, honestly.

My only qualm with Wilbur being one of the horsemen is how we can’t really… tell if he’s in the Dream SMP? He seems to be very clear on the fact that he does NOT want to return, so he might not even be there when the four horsemen became a thing.

Any of the Eggpire (7/10)

Honestly? Same reasoning as the first explanation for the Eggpire. This also applies for why they might not be one of the horsemen.

Do I even need to explain the red part, or do we just all understand that red is literally their brand.

The Eggpire practically breaks peace in the server and is keen on taking control of the entirety of the Dream SMP. The Egg is shown to be ruthless towards anyone, and will even let some of its followers kill people if needed. 

I see Bad as someone who might qualify for this position more because he initiates a lot of the activity in the Eggpire. Same goes for Ant, Punz, and Ponk, but they don’t really take initiative most of the time.

Jack Manifold (4/10)

The only reason I kind of added him here was that he wanted to kill Tommy, but Jack isn’t entirely selfish or peace-breaking. I do think he might play a role in Las Nevadas, especially since if Quackity has access to the nukes, only Jack and Ranboo might be the only two who helped him gain access.

Jack is also… very angry at Tommy. Rightfully so, because he basically surrounded a good portion of his life trying to kill Tommy only for him to realize that that might not be his purpose in life. He blames Tommy for a lot of the loss in the server, so he has a lot of anger, but he has no one to vent it all out to.

Other possibilities with short explanations and low but possible odds:

Eret: Did the first betrayal, but that’s about it. He’s also participated in several wars against others who disagreed with him being the king.

Ranboo: Participated in wars, but is a peacemaker so, y’know.

Fundy: While he does possess Schlatt’s sword, he isn’t much of an initiator of wars as much as he is merely a follower. He has shown that he is quite angry at those who have used him, but the anger has dissipated lately into some sort of sadness/denial.

Connor: He’s mournful that Schlatt, a close friend, has died, but he isn’t really one to be angry. He tried living far away to make his own independent nation, but it didn’t impact much of the story. He also one possessed “Ghostbur’s Stabbing Knife”, which could represent the sword.

FAMINE 

Famine is seen to be holding a scale (presumably for food) as they ride atop a horse. Famine is also denoted to be the only one speaking, saying “A quart of wheat for a denarius! And three quarts of barley for a denarius! But don’t ruin the oil and the wine!”. This statement basically means that we have to pay a full day’s worth of earnings for a bit of wheat and barley but oil and the wine, something not considered human necessities, can have the same prices. This shows an unfairness when it comes to acquiring basic human necessities. This is especially damaging to the poor as Famine’s statement can possibly make the poor poorer, while the rich remain the same. It is implied that the wider the gap between the poor and the rich, the closer we are to the end of the world.

Fundy (9/10)

This may be a long answer because I am biased towards Fundy, but Niki once stated that Manberg was in some sort of a famine because of the destruction of farms. Because of this, certain citizens have resorted into eating spider eyes from the EXP farm, but it was notable that she was practically calling out Fundy, someone who literally advertised spider eyes to any person he talked to in the Dream SMP.

Fundy is also hinted to be heavily connected to these hooded figures somehow. In his dream, he was chased by one until he slept in a black bed, the color of Famine.

Additionally, in his dream, he held baked potatoes (food) which could be related…? He’s also a libra so… scales…?

He is also a notorious prankster in the Dream SMP and will bargain for anything as long as he profits from it. He’s not the richest by any means, but he loves doing pranks that involve stealing belongings from other people.

Schlatt (8/10)

Similar reason to Fundy as he was the president of Manberg responsible for these famines. Additional note for this is that he also taxed Niki, one of their only food sources in Manberg. 

Schlatt also likes to joke around about being rich, earning money, or being a businessman often, especially with the entire Schlatt coin joke. Connected to Famine’s trait of making the rich richer, possibly?

Famine’s statement can also apply here as it is implied that if humanity doesn’t possess the basic of necessities, they might at least have wine which won’t provide any solutions to humanity’s starvation at all, but it will distract you from your starvation by making you heavily drunk until you finally die. This is very reminiscent of how Schlatt died.

Sam (6/10)

Sam is one of the richest people on the server, matching Famine’s want to keep the rich rich. Only problem here is that Sam is at least very generous and provides a lot of people with resources when needed.

Sam could possibly be connected to Famine because of how he treats Dream in prison. In an attempt to torture Dream, he starves him, cutting his food supply.

Same problem remains with Sam not being able to join whatever the hell the four horsemen are because of his duties as warden.

Any of the Syndicate (1/10)

Only giving an exception here because the Syndicate is exceptionally rich and is more selfish about it than others. Low chances, but Ranboo… might? But it’s still a bit iffy for me. Niki might as well because of her connections to the Manbergian famine, but still on the fence with this one too.

DEATH

Death is often depicted riding a pale horse, but some variations have called the horse light green. Death does not don a weapon themselves, but they are always accompanied by Hades. Hades in Christianity is the place or state of the departed spirits, meaning Death has contact with those who have died. Sometimes, Death is depicted with a scythe similar to the Grim Reaper, but some say Death has no weapon at all as Death themself is the weapon. Death is not only meant to collect souls and end lives, but they can also represent the end of an era of humanity.

Quackity (10/10)

I would say Quackity can fit any other category, but I am so sure that Quackity is death because of how death and toying with death seems to be one of Quackity’s main themes in the Dream SMP. Quackity, once hesitant about killing others, has been shown to now impulsively want to kill others: first with Techno, then Ranboo, then Dream. 

Quackity will also most likely acquire information about revival on the Dream SMP, so he is in close proximity with Hades, or in the Dream SMP, the Void. This also heavily ties in with the idea that he will make others gamble away their canon lives only for him to resurrect or return their canon lives if they ever successfully gamble it back. 

Quackity is also known to be very powerless in terms of PVP and battle, but you know what he succeeds in? His own words. He is his own weapon that can get him whatever he wants as long as the person he’s up against is in a vulnerable position. 

He is also confirmed to be one to have a skeleton horse, and some depictions of Death’s horse show that it is very corpse-like.

A bloody scythe can also be seen in Quackity’s first lore teaser, and that can be attributed to Death.

Other possibilities with short explanations and low but possible odds:

Schlatt: First owned the revival book but he literally does not know its contents. Fits the “they are their own weapon” trait.

Dream: The only exception I can give. But again, he is literally in prison…?

Wilbur & Mexican Dream: Only putting these two here because they have experienced death. These two fit the “they are their own weapon” category too.

Connor: Wants to revive Schlatt, but that’s it.

CONCLUSION

Honestly, my first conclusion for the four horsemen were Sam/Conquest, Schlatt/War, Fundy/Famine, and Quackity/Death, but I only see Quackity as Death to be something that is HIGHLY possible. For Conquest, I shift between Sam and one of the Eggpire, for War, I shift between Wilbur and Schlatt, and for Famine, I shift between Fundy and Schlatt. Again, no definitive answer, but I’d love to hear your own thoughts on this.

I am very tired, but also remember to reblog if you do enjoy this! Again, would love to hear your own insights, and would appreciate any type of discussion! :D

[amazingphilza]

DSMP!OC HEADCANNONS

i dunno if ppl on here make dsmp!ocs for themselves outside art but here’s my long list of headcannons?? idk what to call this, but assume all names have c! before it ofc :]

,, this is kinda messy & probably has a lot of plot holes but i just needed a space to write out all my thoughts LOL

also cw / ment of manipulation & ib: dsmp wiki <3

character origin :

previous life was the l’mantree :D

allegedly planted by schlatt, we will never know who’s my canonical parent(s)

reborn as a dryad after niki burns the l’mantree

i think being a dryad would fit especially since they’re typically nymphs of oak trees :]

appearance :

my character’s mc skin has long light brown hair & is seen wearing a flower crown with petals that are around the color of a pale violet and navy blue

clothing would consist of black shoes & a long light grey sweater that falls down to the legs and covers most of the hands which adorned with 2 black stripes on the upper arms

lore / history :

since my past life was the l’mantree, i would’ve known the ins and outs of the history when l’manburg was still standing, up until niki burned the tree

after witnessing everything, i’d hold a grudge on niki (+ allies?) and loyal to wilbur since he’s the whole person that made a meaning of the land of l’manburg

however i’d still be on edge w any side because i could sympathize with everyone to some extent after seeing some sort of distress from everyone at some point

i think seeing both sides of the spectrum when l’manburg/manburg still stood could change my perspective of some other characters

but at the same time, not everything was completely centered in l’manburg so i wouldn’t know the whole story of everyone’s character

i’m currently writing this just after tommy has left the prison & mostly everyone is treating him differently, so i’d try to befriend him by not showing that i dont care about his past & trauma but also not being fully faithful about our friendship ahaha,,,

he seems like the type that needs someone to see through his past history but tommy would definitely disapprove of my character visiting dream at the prison (i would do it anyway :))

vowing my current life to wilbur, i would help dream escape to revive wilbur & follow along with their plans of chaos

i don’t fully support dream but he is the only way to wilbur, making me comply with dream’s decisions

“growing up” in my past life and witnessing endless conflict, it is the only thing i know and understand; chaos

but i think during the process of helping dream & wilbur i’d keep my connection with them secret, being the person to obtain all the inside information they need

i could see myself as a type of equilibrium like ranboo but in a bad way, i don’t know how to explain it

but i would try befriending ranboo since he seems like he is involved in many things and would know a lot, despite his short term memory

unfortunately i’m not sure how much his character actually knows since i haven’t been able to watch his pov that much but i’m sure there’s a lot in his memory book...

to blend in as a normal person within the rest of the characters, i’d surround myself with connor a lot

not only because he needs more lore, connor is one of the “normal” citizens of the smp so i believe being with him doesn’t bring as much attention to myself, unlike people that’s related to the egg and their noticeable features after associating themselves with the egg

he is currently only on bad terms with techno which is rly good when comparing that to other characters and their relationships with other people

connor could probably sense my real intentions eventually & tell everyone else that i’m not who i say i am but if that’s my flaw & my downfall is caused by connor, so be it! sorry dream & wilbur

i feel like for being a young dryad, i’d still fool around with dream/wilbur & help give tommy an small “advantage” to defeating the two ?

like yes i’m supposed to be on your side but where’s the fun if tommy can’t do anything to begin with?

i honestly don’t know if wilbur was revived he’d actually be his vassal but let’s assume that happens, but either way i’m with wilbur on his decisions

but ya dream seems like the type to punish me for helping tommy and send me to the afterlife to learn & become smarter like wilbur had done or smth

in the end, i just want to give tommy bits and pieces that tease him from ending all the wars and problems he has been faced with

like here’s some info about dream and wilbur but it won’t be no where close to enough

but who knows, ghostbur said ‘villains are just heroes that aren’t convinced yet’ & maybe tommy could eventually grow on me & change my ways,,

maybe me fooling around & teasing tommy with answers he’s been searching for is a way to mask that i want to be a good person

ok but imagine after knowing so much about dream/wilbur, the revive book, & the afterlife & then i switch sides,,,

surely if tommy can’t put and end to them, dream would make sure i’m gone for good instead

but also if me & connor are in good terms & he’s canonically a necromancer & can bring ppl back to life,,,,

personality :

to all besides dream & wilbur, i’d try to act passive and friendly on the outside to get on everyone’s good side

however under the mask i am more mischievous & strive to cause more problems for everyone on the server from the inside out

in a way, i’ve taken up some of dream’s manipulative personality but still very understanding

i’d like to think of my character as a good listener,, trying to do less talking than others so i do not open up about my true self and intentions

i’ve seen rumors about schlatt & mexican dream also being revived along with wilbur & i feel like i’d have some soft spot for schlatt & pick up a few things from his own character, not sure what though

schlatt planted l’mantree theory, dad!schlatt au part 2 !! /j

because of my character’s closed off and quiet personality, i feel like i’d be pretty analytical

i would know how to slip between the cracks with some characters & notice the smallest things to make them question themselves

maybe my character is good at holding their composure, and not that susceptible to being “emotional” in a way so it’s easier to face people

like i understand when a situation is sad, etc but i can’t show emotion towards how i feel about it (i don’t know if that makes sense but ya!)

i wanna try to elaborate more,, like imagine my character before tommy visits the prison, i would be unfazed from when i found out he died to the point he’s released and we find out he’s been revived

everything is a constant blur hehe

i just can’t fully process everything i guess? i dunno if that’s helpful but yeah!

in the end though, my moral compass has been very tainted; despite wanting to show my loyalty, it can be slightly easy to sway me, making me internally feel guilty to other people

but me trying to get on everyone’s good side to impress wilbur/dream to seem useful to them would ruin me before i would even realize that i’m another “pawn”

we know damn well dream is faking it till he “makes it” but yk,,

but i’d be stuck in this kind of dilemma of not knowing what thoughts are my own or just something trickled down from wilbur or dream

there’s like maybe something that clicks in my head like “maybe i wanna think for myself for once” or smth

like who am i really?

powers , bonuses , etc :

since dryads can technically manipulate plants in some ways, theoretically i could control the blood vines to some extent ???

i’m pretty sure dryads can communicate with plants so i could understand what the blood vines are saying as well

maybe i could get a good sense of what the egg is all about and stuff

assuming that i understood anything that was happening with the egg in the first place but anyway—

i guess similar to ranboo like how he can’t really be around water without some type of amour or something, it would make sense for me to primarily reside in a type a forest or be near one ?? who knows

seems a bit morbid in a way because of the whole history but if i can somehow easily get rid of the blood vines without it affecting me (if there is still some there) i think it would be kinda pretty to build a tree base in the middle of the l’manburg crator (iskall tease)

like it can show a sign of some rebirth, not the same government repeated once again but a new era in general

you know how you see like destruction years after it the disaster or smth happened and it gets all overgrown with plants and stuff? ya that’s what i’m going for in my head (mumbo jumbo s7 tease)

i know it’s covered in glass already but i dunno, some broken glass and a giant tree emerging from the whole thing and all the rubble seems cool

i’m not a good builder but i have the vision LMAO

omg puffy is like a sheep human hybrid im pretty sure & like there’s a specific type of dryad that are a protector of sheep & other animals?? i’m not exactly sure but that seems like an interesting element to incorporate somehow

also glatt randomly planting a oak sapling in quackity’s lore stream yes pls feed my nonexistent dsmp character lore /j

i honestly dunno how to incorporate the fact dryads can turn shapeshift into trees when trying to escape something but i read something that if a dryad stays in a tree form for too long they’ll forget who they are and stay stuck as a tree?? which like woah that’s cool & some material but at the same time what—

since everyone’s backstory is kinda a mess, mr beast parent tease bc he planted a bunch of trees /hj

i have realized wilbur saying like “the whole reason i built this nation is gone” & blowing up everything or whatever is kinda a plot hole in like ‘why would i follow wilbur if/when he’s revived when he said this?’ but i’d like to think he was the one that made some meaning of the area lmanburg was on, which includes the lmantree

like he was the one that started everything and created that sentiment of that land, and however he views it now is how i would see it now

he gave meaning to my past life and now in my current life, i feel this obligation to repay him for it

not really lore bc i think it was cc!tommy talking to cc!ranboo about his height & age when he first joined but yk it would funny to make my dsmp character than his just to slightly spite him anyway

canonically 6’4 dryad yes . /hj

also i have no idea anything about hannah and her lore but we do be flower buddies :D

also omg like this isn’t at all important but the way ranboo can pick up grass blocks will just have me at awe, i dunno seems in theme with the forest/plant stuff

and i remember reading like there was something about dryads and apples but i can’t remember but i’d give tommy a bunch of apples /hj

apples am i right chat,,,,,

i’ll just have infinite apples in my inventory, like kill me in game, not like losing lives kinda deal but just in general and boom stacks of apples

“bee i get you’re half tree but do you just poop apples out like they’re nothing??” “girls don’t poop” /j

ok but like no matter how many streams i watch i cant grasp where everything is but omg but no if i was new to the server & stuff, canonically & not, i would feel my character to be the curious kind to explore everywhere

like besides a mini tour from some other person in the server, since my character only knows things in the bounds of lmanburg, i’d go off exploring different places like pogtopia, the sewers, showchester, etc

i feel like my character would be really into history, like they would have questions about what happened to lmanburg after the last war? what was life like before wilbur? what was the whole history about the antarctic empire? i dunno but reading a bunch of books from a library seems really interesting

oh but in theory, me and tubbo are loosely related if you wanna count schlatt as my “dad” because he supposedly planted the lmantree ???

i mean could make sense but it seems like a stretch

also if my character ever got close to schlatt, i’m not sure if this is canon, but i swear one time he mentioned how the whole dsmp sever is just a game/server in a game & he’s the only one that knows that ??? but like imagine if i found that out canonically,,,,,

big existential crisis pls

and i’m not 100% sure how dryad shifting works with like going from female to tree form and stuff but if i’m able to morph into different girls on the server & act as them,,,, the about of problems that can cause in the lore omg

lemme frame niki real quick and get inside information /j

oh ya and like hey bee do you support the government then? yes but no. whatever my “fav” person is canonically (assuming this is based in the beginning of this whole hc) whatever wilbur thinks, i think. head empty. but subject to change as the dsmp storyline progresses and stuff :]

ngl i wanna throw in some like random lore that doesn’t make sense to throw people off but i can’t think of anything

not actually really lore related but my choice of stream music like how ranboo has his undertale stuff that makes everyone cry, i will have in love with a ghost

yup i like in love with a ghost sm & i’m pretty sure their music is like not dmca too which yay but yk theoretically never gonna stream on the dsmp but still a fun aspect to think of bc i love listening to music & it’s very impactful to a story & associating something to it makes it more meaningful :D

like i could imagine the chill pop lofi piano stuff fits witha few lore streams of like exploring the whole smp before my character would really go out with being this lost villain in a way?

tubbo’s gangnam style who?

like i feel like i made my character bad/evil so they could have potential to get better in the future

on one hand, i’ll end up w dream and/or wilbur for the rest of my life, which is okay but i could also switch to be with tommy or even disregard all of them and be with techno/phil or quackity & potentially schlatt even who knows

also i cant wait for more connor lore tho, like as much as i tried to make my character give him more content i wanna see how everything goes with him having connections to schlatt & stuff

anyway i would’ve made concept art for my character but i honestly don’t rly like my art currently but who knows LMAO

and lastly if u read all of this ily /p

i might update this later when there’s more lore but ya

[fandom-necromancer]

A little distraction Part 3

This was prompted by @rufina72 as well as two anons and at least one AO3 user. I have to admit I lost track on AO3 because apparently people really enjoy this story line XD Hope you do to!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900, Hannor/Hancon Part 1 link not available   [Part2]   [Part4]   [Part5]   [Read complete on AO3]

‘S-s-so Connor is your brooother?’ They were driving through Detroit’s streets covered by snow slush and salt. It would be a pain to get the hardened dirt from the road off his car later, Richard thought as quiet Christmas music accompanied their drive. ‘Yes. Older by roughly five years’, he answered. ‘We’re very close.’ ‘And he w-w-will be the only one there?’ Again, Richard nodded. ‘Yeah, him and his boyfriend. Guess I have to update that to husband soon, they plan to marry as soon as legislation has caught up with recognising androids as persons in every aspect.’ ‘No other f-f-family?’ Richard frowned, face falling instinctively, before he forced himself to cheer up.

‘Nah. Our father died in a car accident. I was three years old; I don’t remember much of him but photos. Connor knew him more and always said he was a nice guy. Our mother was always at work, too absorbed in her studies. It changed a bit when father died, but still she wasn’t home much. Connor basically was the one raising me, and he blames mom for not being there for me.’ ‘And y-y-you?’ ‘Nah’, he laughed. ‘It was normal for me; I didn’t know anything else. But we both agree that me and him, we are family and she doesn’t belong in that definition. And that we’ll do it better should we ever get kids.’ Gavin nodded slowly. ‘How’s he?’ ‘Caring?’, Richard began, having to think of the right words to express what he felt when thinking of his brother. ‘Overly protective. Overly friendly. It can be annoying at times. But he is honest too and understands boundaries. He never said anything when I had my silent phases, just came to my room and did whatever he did close to me keeping me company. He seems to always know what you need right now and I think that’s his most treasurable attribute.’ ‘Hooope he knows that with meee too, not just you. Wh-wh-what I told you, I won’t tell anyooone else.’

Nines risked a look to the side to Gavin, who had ducked his head in between his shoulders and fidgeted with a button on his shirt. ‘Hey.’ He stopped at a red light and was about to touch the android comfortingly, refraining from it last second as he remembered his reaction to that. ‘Hey, if it gets too much at any point, tell me. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.’ Gavin quickly looked out of the window and nodded, obviously embarrassed.

-

They arrived at a small house draped in tasteful Christmas decoration. Not too much and in exactly the right colours to make it feel cosy, warm and welcoming. Gavin stepped out of the car watching the lights and trying not to think of how he had lifted up the kids so they could help putting them up in their old home. They were fond memories made all the more sour by his loss. He knew his LED was likely red again, alerting the strange human that had picked him up of his  composure slipping, but if Richard noticed, he didn’t say anything, just walking ahead and smiling back at him as an invitation to follow him. Gavin swallowed and hastily walked through the snow to the freed path leading to the door. Nines was already standing there, hand hovering over the doorbell.

‘Richard!’ The door was almost ripped open by someone who looked exactly like the other human, maybe an inch smaller and a lot more expressive. ‘You came!’ ‘I promised, didn’t I?’ Connor hugged the other human and grinned from one ear to the other. ‘Yes of course, but still!’ Only then did he turn to Gavin, who was awkwardly standing half behind Richard and watched them. It was hard to blink away the warning popping up over and over again. Connor moving towards Richard. Threat. Warning. Richard returning his hug, the arm passing through Gavin’s personal space at that. Warning. Threat. Connor turning around. Threat. Run. Gavin didn’t know since when he was stuck in this analysis mode, but he was sick of flinching and glitching at any movement. ‘This must be your plus one?’, he asked Richard with a wink and held out a hand towards Gavin. ‘Hello, I’m Connor.’ Gavin couldn’t suppress taking a step back. ‘I-I-I’m Gaaavin’, he said, cursing his voice box for glitching now out of all times. Connor let his hand fall, but smiled at him, completely ignoring his stutter and hangers. ‘Hello Gavin, nice to meet you! Merry Christmas! Come in, you two! Hank’s getting out the food already!’

They followed Connor in and got rid of their shoes, before entering the living room. Connor instructed them to sit down and hurried into the kitchen to help Hank. When the larger android came to greet them, Gavin dared to relax a bit. He was deviant too, sending a friendly greeting ping to him. He looked gentle, trusting and didn’t have any marks on him. Hank put down plates for Connor and Richard, while Connor came back with two mugs of warmed Thirium for the androids as well as blue tinged cookies. ‘Can you eat?’, Hank asked him then. ‘You are an older model, right?’ Gavin nodded. ‘I am. B-b-but I caaan eat. I g-g-got the upgrade when Kathy- I got the upgrade.’ Hank lifted a brow at the errors and swallowed sentence, but otherwise didn’t mention it. ‘Then I hope they taste, Connor made them. He has no talent.’ ‘Excuse me?’, the human answered, elbowing Hank. Gavin expected damage, but it was a friendly gesture. ‘I can cook great.’ ‘Yeah’, Hank countered. ‘If you count heating up frozen pizza.’ ‘Hey, that’s all I can do, too, so I’ll side with Connor here’, Richard laughed. ‘What’s your verdict, Gavin?’

He looked into the other’s faces, still overwhelmed by it all. Instead of answering, he took one of the cookies and nibbled on the edge. He hadn’t really eaten much since he had gotten the upgrade and his tank didn’t allow for more than one meal anyways. It tasted… sweet. The texture was interestingly grainy and gave in to force easily. Not able to stand being stared at any longer, he just shrugged and said: ‘It tastes good?’ ‘See!’, Connor grinned. ‘Gavin likes it. I can’t be that bad then!’ ‘Or your recipe was good.’ ‘Or he did something wrong and accidentally saved otherwise horrible cookies.’ Connor crossed his arms. ‘Oh, shut up, Nines, try baking something you can’t even try because it’s literal poison for you!’ Richard laughed, and it eased the mood into simpler waters.

They continued talking for a while exchanging about what they had been up to lately. Gavin listened, but was content not to be involved at all, eating the cookies Connor had prepared. He actually liked them a lot and it was quite relaxing to just munch away on them. ‘And? How did you two get to know each other?’ He froze, sharing a look with Richard. ‘Errr…’ ‘Do you know that red light at the corner of that mattress store?’ Connor frowned, then nodded. ‘Yeah, you have to wait ages until you can drive on.’ ‘Somehow timing was perfect, and we saw each other every day when my shift ended.’ He looked over to Gavin and he nodded, thanking him inwardly to not tell them his whole life story. ‘Today I decided to talk to him.’ Connor looked over to Gavin disbelievingly. ‘My brother spoke to you first?’ Gavin huffed. ‘Y-Yes, he did. I-I-I lost my family because of the revolution. Had nowhere to go. He invited me to come with him.’ ‘So you really aren’t more than strangers’, Hank asked. ‘Kind of?’, Gavin shrugged. ‘But Richard seeeems like a nice g-g-guy and I don’t have m-m-much to lose.’ Connor swallowed. ‘I’m sorry to hear that’, he said. ‘You are welcome here any day if you need a place to stay.’ The android ducked his head, blushing. ‘Richard offered that already and I agreed to try it out.’ That shifted their attention towards the man completely.

‘Nines, are you ill? Initiating conversation, bringing someone for dinner and inviting them into your home?’ ‘Fuck off, Connor, seriously. Call it a Christmas miracle.’ Connor shook his head. ‘Would be one hell of one.’ Richard threw him a look and laughed. ‘Connor, just because it’s rare it doesn’t mean it never happens.’ ‘It was awkwaaard as hell too’, Gavin added carefully. ‘Have to admit I thought he was some sort of weirdo first.’ Connor smiled as Nines rested his hand on his arm. ‘Okay, that sounds more like my brother.’

‘Really? A weirdo?’, Richard asked Gavin. ‘I thought aaaaafter our last talk you appreciated h-h-honesty.’ ‘Yeah, okay, but you don’t just tell someone they are a weirdo.’ ‘It’s the truth.’ Richard sighed. ‘I don’t think you are oooone now th-th-th-though’, he added. ‘Thanks, at least there’s that then…’ Richard looked up at Connor. ‘What?’

The other human was grinning at them both and tried to hide it badly. ‘I’m happy, Nines. Really. I’m glad you both are here today. Come on, let’s watch a movie and then presents!’

-

The longer they spent at Connor’s house, the more at ease Gavin felt. No one asked him about his past or why he was malfunctioning all over. It surely was a question that burned in their minds, he could feel it, but they consciously didn’t question him. He was just being accepted as a part of their Christmas celebration as if he hadn’t just been picked up from some scrapyard and put into nice clothing. It felt like he… Like he had been here last year and the year before. Almost like… like he belonged. Like a family. He just had to reach out a hand and take the chance Richard had offered him and all of this would turn from pretend to reality. It was weird thinking about it, especially when every connection to the word family brought up memories of loss and grief about old happiness.

But was it wrong to want this again? To wish for another chance at building new memories? He looked at Richard from the corner of his eyes. The man was completely fixed on the TV in front of them, body relaxed and close to him but far away enough not to impose or cause stress. Gavin swallowed and looked over to Connor and Hank on the other couch under a blanket lying close, Hank holding the human and caressing his hair. He could have this again. This casual comfort, these caring touches, this feeling of safety and belonging. The home he had lost and tried to build for himself in that scrapyard could be his again, if he just allowed to let it happen.

He swallowed and pressed his eyes close to block out the warnings of threat, warning, run, danger. Then he scooted over slowly until he hit Richards warm ribcage. He felt the other shift around his frozen body, then an arm was draped around his shoulders carefully. ‘This too much?’, Nines whispered near inaudibly over the movie running and Gavin shook his head. No, he wanted this, he just had to get over his own barriers. A few minutes later, he tried opening his eyes again and was surprised his systems weren’t bombarding him with errors. Instead, his status box read safe and Richard’s body was marked as friend/ally. Gavin sighed deeply, dropping into the carefree touch completely.

When Richard dared to look down the next time, the android in his arm was smiling just the slightest and his LED was circling somewhere between blue and yellow – the calmest he had seen Gavin so far. By the end of the movie, Gavin wasn’t moving anymore, the LED pulsing slowly. Nines looked over at Hank questioningly and the android nodded. ‘He’s in stasis now.’ ‘Wow’ Richard said with raised brows, looking down on the sleeping android. Connor sat up and threw them their blanket. ‘You can stay the night if you want. Guess I have to call you Tens now’, he joked. Nines huffed and answered deadpan: ‘Do that and I’ll stop talking to you to go back to Nines.’

[>next part]

[connorspiracy]

Two Exorcists Walk Into A Bar || Connor & Jasmine

TIMING: Current LOCATION: The Artisan PARTIES: @connorspiracy & @halequeenjas SUMMARY: Connor and Jasmine meet to discuss their respective ghost problems.  CONTENT: N/A 

While his YouTube channel indicated he knew what he was doing, Jasmine was still hesitant about involving someone so young in her ghost problems. This was something she should have been able to take care of herself. Larry Bob had been a sniveling crybaby in life and in death and she was Jasmine freakin’ Hale. She’d exorcised poltergeists much more intimidating than him and yet none of her efforts seemed to stick. So here she was, schmoozing a young man and hoping he’d agree to help her for not too steep of a price. She’d worn one of pant suits today, opting for a nice navy blue that she knew went well with her favorite shade of red lipstick. In a way, this was business and she wanted to make a good impression in hopes that Connor would help. She stood outside the restaurant, early as always, and waved when she saw Connor approaching. “Hey, Connor, right,” she greeted and looked him over, “Okay, okay. You weren’t lying about the posh roots. You’ll fit right in, baby face and all.” She said the last part with a bit of a laugh and gestured toward the door so they could grab their table. 

Connor wasn’t sure why they couldn’t just meet at Al’s and have a nice burger, but he supposed she wasn’t that kind of woman. He’d been raised among money. Not immense wealth or anything, but comfortable enough to live in a nice house in South West London with a big garden and three cars. Enough to not have to worry about what he was going to do for cash while he waited for his channel to grow. He’d had plenty of dinners at places like this before. It just wasn’t really his style any more. Nevertheless, he dressed for the occasion, wearing a pair of subtle plaid patterned slacks, brown leather shoes and a dark blue dress shirt. “Pleasure to meet you darling,” he said, his south London accent coming through. “Jasmine, yeah?” 

He couldn’t help but give a little laugh, almost embarrassed at her mention of his posh roots. “Yeah, but I try not to be a dick about it.” Connor wasn’t sure what to make of this reading, and he still couldn’t believe he was forcing himself to act normal while Nadia was stuck outside her body, but maybe if he helped Jasmine, she’d help him too. He followed her inside and was sure to tip the front of house staff member who led them to their table. Before long they were seated and being offered drinks. He went with a diet coke, not wanting to get pissed at a potential business meeting. “I get the impression you’ve been here a few times before?” 

Already, he was off to a good start impression wise as he tipped the host that led him to the table though Jasmine admittedly had her reservations about this whole thing at first. Those concerns had little to do with Connor himself and much more with what she could potentially be implicating himself in, but like her, he was an exorcist and the more he encountered with a little bit of back up the stronger he’d be when bigger trouble came rolling in. So really, she was being an A+ mentor or something. “That’s me,” she said with a bright smile as they made their way into the restaurant. As always, Evelyn didn’t disappoint when it came to setting her up with a more private table. “Not being a dick about things is always preferred. I definitely know some rich older men who could take a lesson or two from you on that one,” she said with a laugh as she asked the waiter for a bottle of whatever red Evelyn recommended. “Diet coke, okay. Well, bottle is required for the table, so feel free to help me, if not I can always bring it home. And, yes I have. I’m friends with the owner actually. She’s also from the UK.” Once their drinks were delivered and a nice cheese board was on the way, she looked to Connor, “So, how long have you been doing exorcisms?” 

Just because Connor would rather go somewhere he could wear jeans and sneakers, didn’t mean he didn’t know what he was doing. He could tell Jasmine was relieved he wasn’t going to embarrass her. “Well, I try to avoid most rich older men, unless I’m ghost hunting on their ancestral property,” Connor teased. He raised an impressed eyebrow as they brought over an expensive wine. “Maybe I’ll have a glass or two.” Admittedly, he wasn’t too much of a wine drinker, but it seemed rude not to have any. He allowed the waiter to fill his glass (which always struck him as a little bizarre, like he couldn’t fill his own glass) and took a sip. Once they were alone, Jasmine got right to the meat of the matter. “Oh, not that long. I was a medium for, well, all my life, really. But I first realised what it meant sort of five, six years ago? The exorcisms, only a few months.” Yeah, which was probably why he’d messed up with Nadia… He couldn’t let that affect him right now though. He had to be calm and confident. Connor nibbled on one of the complimentary snacks. “You?”

Jasmine laughed along easily with his comment about rich, older men. Unless they were buying a house from her, she had little interest in them though part of her business did rely on maintaining connections. “I wish I could, but hey, they buy expensive houses which puts money in my bank account,” she shrugged. There was a smile on her face as he agreed to share some of the wine with her. While there was a chance Evelyn would let her get away with not ordering a bottle, she didn’t feel it was necessary. She could always re-cork and take it home for later. “It’s really good, but don’t feel like you have to,” she said before she took a sip of hers. 

While how long he’d actually been doing exorcisms was worrying, she could work with that. She knew what she was doing, she just needed the extra energy to help get rid of Larry Bob since he’d gone full on poltergeist. Not even her focal point seemed to do the trick, but she was sure having another exorcist to help power the incantations would help make him gone for good. “Okay, makes sense, I didn’t learn about exorcisms until I was an adult. I was able to see ghosts when I was younger, too, but thought it was more of a weird White Crest thing than a me thing. My mom acknowledged the ghost thing, but honestly, she preferred the socialite life. My aunt taught me how to do exorcisms when I was 19, so I’ve been at it a while.” She took another sip of wine before grabbing some of the cheese. It was best to let him know what he was getting into if he was still new to this. “Normally, I can get by without help, but Larry Bob is a poltergeist who has a personal grudge for me. Executions are typically something that shouldn’t be done alone, which is why I’ve probably had trouble even with my focal point. Have you performed an execution before?” 

Connor tried not to be too judgemental about how much she sounded like his dad and his business associates when she talked about money in the bank account. He couldn’t be too funny about it since it was what enabled him to rent a nice little house out here, have a fancy SUV and not have to worry about whether he made any money from YouTube or not. “Oy, I know that face. I can’t help that I’m a newbie,” he teased as he drank his wine. Jasmine had said it was good, but he really had no idea what good wine was supposed to taste like, so he’d just have to trust her judgement. 

“Yeah,” he said, almost solemnly, in answer to her question. “It was my first exorcism. My Uncle. Went all polter and tried to kill my dad.” He chewed the inside of his lip. Maybe if he changed the subject quickly enough, she wouldn’t ask too many questions about his family drama. “Look, I’m happy, more than happy to help.” He couldn’t help but be nervous. What if she said no? “But I need some help from you too, okay? I don’t care about the money, but… see, I tried to do an exorcism recently, and something went really wrong.” He tried not to ramble, to be deliberate about his words, not act like a scared little kid. She needed to know he was capable and could hold his own, Nadia’s case not included. “The possessor and the possessee, they were sort of all tangled up, and when I did it… I took the spirit out of the body, but it was the wrong spirit. It was the original person… the one who’s supposed to be in the body. Do you see what I mean?” Okay, now he was rambling.

As he described his first exorcism, Jasmine felt her features soften. Having to perform an exorcism on a family member had to be incredibly difficult and he was still so young. She guessed the world wasn’t necessarily kind to mediums, but still. “I’m sorry,” she said softly as she set her wine glass back down on the table, “I’m sure that had to be rough, but it sounds like you persevered despite that, so clearly you’re pretty tough.” She added, “I’m not worried about you being a newbie-- I mean, I am, but more in the sense of I don’t want something bad to happen to you because of my problem. I was young and caught on quick, too, once upon a time.” 

There was a certain tension now and she waited somewhat patiently for what he had to say, only her nails lightly tapping on the table indicating she was eager to hear what he had to say. She frowned as he spoke and went through what could have gone wrong in her head. None of it made sense unless perhaps the host didn’t have a strong enough grip on her own body, but still, the exorcism was meant to banish the ghost doing the possessing. “Wow,” she said looking at him with wide eyes, “I’ve literally never heard of anything like that happening, but anything you need from me, I’ll do what I can to help. I’ll have to pull out some of my aunt’s old books and see if perhaps my more research inclined friends have anything useful.” As far as she knew, he could have either really butchered the incantation or there was something deeper going on with this host and the ghost possessing her. Neither were super promising, but hell, she’d help them the best she could. “Are you okay,” she asked, mostly because she knew just how hard exorcisms could be to perform, especially when they didn’t go as planned. 

Connor nodded stiffly, his jaw tight, not because of anything Jasmine had gone, but because remembering his Uncle was kind of hard. He'd taught Connor almost everything Connor knew about ghosts and the supernatural. Connor still had a great deal to learn, so many languages and so many rituals, but Uncle Joe had started it all. Before he'd gone so horribly wrong. "Thanks." 

He was afraid Jasmine wouldn't be quite so gentle about the rest of it. In fact, he was pretty sure he'd just made himself sound like a huge idiot, the kind who didn't know his focal point from his arsehole. "I don't know if I did something wrong or if it was... something else, you know? But I feel awful. Like I messed up that poor girl's life and let down my friends..." Great. Now he was turning this into a bloody counselling session. "Sorry. You don't need to know about my drama. I'm... well, not exactly 'fine', but I'm not hurt or anything. It's just the guilt, man. I'll be fine when I can fix it. When Nadia isn't floating around all disembodied and when some poltergeist isn't taking her skin for a possibly murderous joyride." 

The more he told her about the situation, the more dire it turned out to be. Jasmine was definitely not here for some polter-bitch taking an innocent person’s body on a murderous joyride. Even if there wasn’t murder involved, it was still wrong to hijack someone’s body. Still, it was a mystery to her how the exorcism had gone so terribly wrong. Either way, she knew she’d feel pretty awful if it was her and it was clear Connor did. She frowned and swirled the wine around in her glass. “There was likely something deeper going on there, but I guess a slight fudge in the incantations could throw things off, too. I’ve never heard of anything like that happening before though… not that I’m like the most well read person on the planet, but I’ve done my fair share of exorcisms.” She knew the weight that came with skill and it wasn’t always easy having the fate of others so heavily in your hands. On the other hand, it provided a purpose that not even money or acclaim could quite match.

 “Try not to be too hard on yourself. There’s an answer out there. Probably in like a centuries old book, but still out there.” That still left a murderous ghost with a real body to use for said murder. She really didn’t like this. “May need to find a way to keep murder bitch and the body contained for the timebeing though.” Finally, she took another sip on her wine. This conversation had gotten heavier than planned, but she felt some sort of pull toward looking out for him. She was supposed to be seeking his help and now she was worried about him. Sometimes she really missed high school. “Either way, I do trust you to help me. These things are always easier when you have two exorcists.” 

She wasn’t that much older than him. A few years, six, seven? But the level of experience and knowledge Jasmine had over Connor was something he couldn’t help but admire. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but Jasmine felt like something he’d been missing. Someone to do this with. His dad had no interest in the supernatural and only begrudgingly put up with Connor’s interest in their family history. His mum was just now adjusting to the fact it was actually real. Any old family friends they’d had were reluctant to help the child of someone who’d ran away from their family and duty. But now, there was Jasmine. “Thank you,” he said, giving her a small smile. “I’ll help you too.” He picked up the menu. “So, what’s good here?” 

[takashimasubuchi]

Interviewed by Zoomin’ Night

 by Zhu Wenbo and Zhu Songjie 2020/5/18

1．Maybe you could introduce yourself first. How old are you? When did you start playing guitar, and when did you start playing this kind of music? I mean, quiet, with blank and some special skills, beautiful improvisation music.

I was born in 1984. I have been living in Tokyo since I was born.I started playing guitar when I was in junior high school. I don't remember why started.Maybe I wasn't interested in anything else. Pelktopia that I played with Hironobu Shimazawa is my first carrier to play this kind of music as you say. We had been playing for 2 or 3 years and released some LP, CD-R, and cassettes. This unit played by half composition and half improvisation with Folk, Blues, and Minimalism feeling.We had a common language of music and similar aesthetic sense for sound.So we were able to develop music constructively. I still think the music in this unit was great.Many of my ideas for improvisation were born at this time. After that, I started to play as a solo player. At the beginning of my solo career, I was playing drone music with many pedals. But I think this was a big failure for me. I was just turning the knob and just fun pedal's effect. It is the best way to fill in time and space. But that’s just it. I got too far away from my roots and physical myself. I felt I had to create the sound more fundamentally in a primitive way. It was around 2015 that I started to have the current style.

2.  Before playing this kind of music, what kind of music did you play? What kind of chance made you decide to change at that time?

First. I started playing as an electric guitarist in some bands, I mean something like a Rock'n'Roll guitarist. I guess every guitarist will yearn for it when young. At the same time, I was obsessed with a lot of black music. especially I love Blues like John lee hooker and Son House. I learned what is free for me back then and making space in music from them. I was also absorbed in jazz and copied mainly Wes Montgomery and learn the method by self-taught. But I couldn't play it properly. Also, I felt cramped in the chordal system. I feel that It was a necessary experience to identify what is important for me. But I eventually stopped playing in band and electric guitar. Because I felt it is difficult to play primitively and genuinely. I felt dishonesty with electric instruments my own. I want to be physically involved in my instrument without any knobs and cables. Fortunately, I don't get tired of playing acoustic guitar. There are still many discoveries from playing.

3.  Maybe you could share some details about guitar. Do you have any special or personal interests on guitar playing? Such as special tuning, microtone, objects on preparing, or some other special playing skill…..

I have been trying many open and irregular tuning. Thereby I can find a new sound and resonance from the guitar.  I'm really into my main guitar which is Martin D-28 Authentic 1931. I want to bring out all the possibilities of this guitar. Sometimes, I try a prepared guitar and some objects. For example, I was rubbing a metal bar on the fret to make overtone and drone on 2527's Track2. But my main focus is playing by fingers of both hands just normally. This is the best way to express subtle elements.

4.  Most of your performances are improvisation. What do you think about in improvisation concert? Or maybe the question could be, what do you try to keep the notice on normally in your performance?

I'm thinking about "music" When I play as a solo.I mean like phrase, scale...or Whether I'm doing well what I practiced. especially I am interested in polymodal. I want to combine some scales to connect to song myself or something like a story. Free or not free, something new or already done in the past. these are not big subjects for me. These are meaningless to think about. Because I feel like a dead-end no matter where I go. I think it should be democratic when I play with other players, like our social ideals. We have to construct something good through conversation in music. As many say. a really good situation is not to think anything during performance.

5.  What kind of music do you listen when you are driving? Last time I took your car, you played Morton Feldman’s piano box. But don’t you think Feldman is too quiet for traffic?

No. I don't think so. My car is very quiet. It's easy to listen to Feldman's music.

6.  So maybe you could share us your music taste. What is all-time favorites? Maybe you could give us a top 10 choice. And what do you listen in these days?

This includes music that I don't listen to anymore. But I listened to often. In order I listened 1「Electric Ladyland」Jimi Hendrix 2「Live at Sugarhill」John Lee Hooker 3「Original Delta Blues」Son House   4「The Complete Live At The Plugged Nickel 1965」Miles Davis 5「Olatunji Concert 」John Coltrane 6 「Riley: The Harp Of New Albion」Terry Riley   7 「In Bern」Loren Mazzacane Connors + Jim O'rouke   8 「Semi-Impressionism」Tetuzi Akiyama + Toshimaru Nakamura 9「For Bunita Marcus by Stephane Ginsburgh」Morton Feldman 10「Dead Pan Smiles」Riuichi Daijo

My recent favorite is below. Some of them are not recent releases.

「Bending Contumax」Jean-Luc Guionnet Jean-Luc Guionnet is saxophonist and organist. I didn't know him until recently. this is amazing enormous work by improvisation from 2008 to 2014. I feel this is very structural in spite of early intention feeling. Published by No School  Recordings run by Masahiko Okura.

「Memoria」Takumi Akaishi Takumi Akaishi is a Hardy Gurdy player who lives in Tokyo is very unique. This was made from Hardy Gurdy and field recording with his great poetic sense. Published by Art Into Life, a Japanese record shop and label in Tochigi prefecture.

「Œuvres Électroniques」 Eliane Radigue This was bought during my 2019 European Tour in Basel at Plattfon Records. This is a box of 14CD. You can know her pursuit of sound but need time to listen to everything!!

7.  Please tell about Straytone. You told me that you have a long and deep collaborations with him. How many years did you play together? What is the collaboration based on? Compare to other musicians, is there any special meanings of playing with Straytone to you?

We have a different idea about music and playing. Straytone attaches importance to the context in music more than me.I'm gradually becoming less concerned about context. On the other hand. I think He does not attach importance to improvisation more than me. We can complement each other for making music.

8.  The cassette remind me of Tetuzi & Toshimaru. Actually at the first time I saw your performance I found out Tetuzi’s influence. And for Straytone’s sound, I have to say, it is very closed to Toshi’s nowadays sound, though they use different instruments. I think in this cassette, Straytone’s sound does not sounds like most modular synthesizer musicians. So how do you think about Tetuzi & Toshimaru? Do you try to reference, borrow or avoid some idea from this classical Japanese duo?

I think that Tetuzi Akiyama and Toshimaru Nakamura are The most important improviser.「Semi-Impressionism」is the earliest music I've ever heard of improvisation music that's not jazz. This is my opinion on them. In particular, I was directly influenced by Tetuzi Akiyama as guitarist. His greatness is flipped over the concept of all avant-garde. It's like a dadaist but more based on his intuition and honesty. Toshimaru Nakamura is a very important person culturally of electronics improvisation scene. But he does not hesitate to break the culture himself and constantly update himself. He seems to be challenging himself at every concert without any attention to appearance. They play universal language and techniques in spite of based on very personal interest without systematized academic methods. They paved the way by this attitude especially for players without musical education or career. There have been groups with similar concepts in the past like AMM or Musica Elettronica Viva. But they are based on more western values or academism.

In the past, if we want to play with someone we had to learn the methods and languages that are already. Like Jazz, Classic also Rock music. Maybe It's also included "Free Improvisation". But They proved that we could play using each personal interests, techniques, and ideas without systematized academic methods or languages. It doesn’t mean there is no need to learn or practice. We got an environment that we can pursue what we feel really important to us individually. At the same time, we can communicate in music in any country, musical background, and culture. We can express each identity and exchange ideas in the music directly.

9.  The cassette title is 2527. What did the name come from?

It is a secret.

10.  Please also tell us about Permian, the venue you run. Could you describe it? How is the neighborhood and how does it looks inside? When did you start running this place? Why do you want to run a “only improvisation” venue? Sorry that I have never been to Permian before, next time I will, I promise!

Permian started in 2018. Running by me,Riuichi Daijo and some musicians. We often talked about almost venues have a lot of superfluous things for the concert. like bar counter, records, and BGM. We don't provide any drink, food, and BGM to concentrate on the concert and playing. An audience can choose admission fees between 1,000 to 3,000yen of every concert. By this, the audience can determine the value of the concert with independence. There are many cafes and bars nearby. But finding an improvisational audience is difficult. Improvisation is primordial practice and starting point of all expressions. It is should be open to more people. I hope that we always try to re-grab music from zero by each concert.

11. If you have to choose 3 favorite improvisation musicians, who will it be?

Tetuzi Akiyama John Tilbury John Coltrane

12. In the description I found about your album "R, R, R", it was mentioned that some of your guitar playing has the feeling of John Fahey. Do you agree with this statement? Has John Fahey's music influenced your listening and playing?

Of course, I listened to a lot of albums of John Fahey. But I’ve almost never copied his guitar. I am strongly influenced by what is called American Primitive, just like him. But I think I'm not the same lineage or context as him. I have big respect for traditional music but maybe I'm not interested in inheriting. It's not my role. As I said, I copied a lot of guitar from the 60's Rock group, Blues and Jazz music when I played electric guitar. But my acoustic guitar style is Almost self-taught.I've almost never copied someone's play except some Blues. Sometimes, I try to copy Morton Feldman's piano piece by guitar.

13. Are you more focused or relaxed when you play? Do you think there is a big gap between your performance and recording? In which state(relaxed or focused) do you prefer when making music?

To be honest, I want to relax and play. If I try to concentrate, the feeling runs away.

[ts-2020-olympics]

EPISODE 2 - “Landen’s Going Home” - Emma

Billy's back! If we lose I am screwed heavily, though I do think there's a chance. Slide puzzles aren't my thing, so hoping for the best out of this.

Kathy, I'm voting for you. Bailey had a good excuse for not doing the challenge, and I haven't heard anything from you, whatsoever. Hate to say it, but your ass is grass, pal. 

i'm gonna be a lazy bitch and do a written confessional this round bc i look too ugly for a video. so, basically after the events that transpired last round, jordan came begging at my feet for my forgiveness after lying to me about the vote. he doesn't realize that i knew what he was doing before the fact thanks to sammy, so i just played along and acted like i didn't know and told him that i understood his perspective and understand him lying to me. but believe me, a bitch never forgets being lied to. like, if he can so easily lie to me this early in the game, how am i supposed to trust him going forward? i guess it doesn't really matter because he's he easy boot if we happen to lose again before a swap. but i think i did a good job of making him feel like i wasn't mad so that he will trust me in the event of a swap or if we lose again he won't vote me. also, i'm pretty confident that both sammy and caeleb consider me their closest ally. they both tell me about their findings in the village so i'm getting two people per round telling me where not to go, so that's super helpful. i could see the three of us going far but i'm sure that the two of them will go for each other eventually, especially if they are both competing to have me be their number one. i'm fine with it tbh. sammy also got a vote block from the village. so now he has an idol that lasts for two more tribals, and a vote block lasting for one more tribal. so definitely think sammy is of more use to me at the moment especially since he has all of these advantages. my tribe won immunity this round which is nice. i'm glad i can just relax and not worry about a tribal. i hope we can keep winning until a swap bc i think all 3 people left on my tribe could be of use to me. also fuck connor, he told everyone at the arena that me and caeleb have a premade, as if we even knew each other before this game. someone is bitter that he couldn't make relationships and was first boot. so im sure that information is spreading around and i should probably worry about that. but oh well, i'm just gonna focus on winning for now! woo go me.

Alright, so here we are, the first loss of the 2020 Tumblr Olympics.   Sure, we may have had the Silver medal bonus for that challenge, but the tribe just isn't suited I guess towards slide puzzles, and plus Bailey was busy so wasn't able to compete like we had hoped.  It's all good though, as I always say that life comes before an online game, so nothing but respect.  Anyways, I formed a three person alliance with Beck & Ben, basically as far as I am aware, us three are the most active on the tribe, and really only ones that talk much on the tribe, so basically they are the only two I really connected with enough to be able to put my trust in, just hopefully this alliance all works out for now.   Then in terms of this vote, I feel it will be Kathy going, as she just doesn't seem all too dedicated towards the game/is a little inactive, and not talking really to anybody, so even though I do like Kathy, just inside this game, at least at this stage of the game, we need tribe strength, and she just isn't going to be putting that through whilst not being as active as others.   Anything can happen though, and there is still the arena yet so who knows, the person voted out of this tribe could end up coming back with a gold medal.

i'm pretty sad that my tribe is going to tribal but at the same time i'm confident i won't be leaving, mostly because 2/5 of our tribe members aren't very active. i also have this alliance with ben and darcy now which seems like a strong trio, so even though we lost immunity it could be a LOT worse. unfortunately the downside is that if we're voting out kathy (which is most likely) she's probably too inactive to do the arena challenge, so we're not gonna get any medals in the arena... but that's alright i suppose, we just have to work hard for the next one. if ben can't participate in the next immunity challenge i feel like our tribe is gonna be in a really tough spot. but i'm praying for the best anyway.

Not gonna lie, slide puzzles are awful for immunity challenges, especially if the RNG is manipulated just right. There's a way to solve them correctly every time, but to do it in the minimal number of moves requires that everything go your way in terms of luck. I'll take the L, but I am not happy. 

i’m honestly so frustrated that emma didn’t even submit but! she’s such a sweetheart that i felt really awful voting to get her out, but that was just a lil. hm. also apparently i’m close to her now? so that was inch resting to hear. thank u billy

Landons going home 

my truth is that i keep forgetting check my skype and i want my teammates to glock me and vote me out 

Even with the gold medal I won, we still somehow end up going to tribal. Tell me, HOW THE FUCK DO WE MANAGE TO DO SOMETHING LITERALLY SO ASTRONOMICAL?! It drives me mad how we had such a big advantage...christ. Anyway, a few things I'm thinking about heading into tribal. A) Everyone voted me last time, so I'm playing this one a little more no holds barred. B) I'm thinking about what's the biggest advantage to me whether the person I vote out comes back or fucks off into 24th place. C) I couldn't care less about how we're doing in challenges at the moment. I want people who'll be loyal to me, and in return people that I can put my faith in. Right now, that's Emma and Emma only. However, she didn't participate in the challenge, so it's a little bit of an awkward situation. I know that Landen, can be an extremely good player UTR heading later into the game, and to be honest I feel like he's a bit shady. So, adios to him. I get Emma and Juls vote, and Jacob if he cares enough, easy done. I'm 99% sure tribal will go my way tonight, here's to hoping the odds are in my favour!

I am now apparently a swing vote somehow someway. Landen or Emma goes. I would prefer to vote out neither of them, but hey, I could end up going to. Were you expecting something better? nah. Five player tribes SUCK. Billy and Landen are battling for control of the tribe. I kindof like that battle to continue. Plus I trust Landen, kindof. If Juls is voting Landen, I vote Landen because there's no point. If Juls votes Em, then I vote Em. If Juls doesn't respond before the vote, uh, we'll see. I think she'd be more likely to vote out Landen, but like idk. EIther way, none of these people are me, and I am a number to anyone involved. Mission success? I just need to challenge beast a little bit more.

Ughhh I don't want to be making this confessional right now. Hardly anything has changed since the last time I went to tribal, in terms of my annoyance with the team. We were SO close to winning, we almost had it, and we could've gotten it if Emma had just SUBMITTED. I actually really like her too so it's really frustrating that she does this but I can't justify keeping her when she just.... didn't submit. Not only that but she never apologized, commented on it, or anything. Like that's just plain disrespectful. So I'm wanting to vote her out. Unfortunately I feel like Juls is way too close with her, their bond is dangerous and Juls probably feels like she has to work with Em because they are some of the only girls in the gay-infested ORG community so they just feel a natural connection from that, and they are similar in other ways as well. I definitely feel like those two being as close as they are will be dangerous to me tonight and I know for a fact my name was going around, too. I heard about that from Jacob and it's not surprising at all they would throw my name out. The danger is they could abuse Billy, and they know it. They're definitely trying to get me voted out, and they're definitely trying to use Billy as a number to do it. Which is absolutely ridiculous since they were the first ones to throw his name out and push for it, but oh well. A snake's a snake, and I'm going to try and chop this one's tail off. Notice I said the tail because Emma is literally useless and does absolutely nothing and she's lucky Juls is tryna carry her through this. I'm pressedt. I definitely know I'm in danger and it's like, whatever. If I go in, I'm fine, I can presumably make my way out of the arena and back to the game where I can wreak havoc and be righteously emotional because taking me, the person who got the best score and has been making the most effort to actually talk to people on this deadbeat fucking tribe, out, in Round 2, is kinda just psychotic. I'm absolutely livid and I just... Ugh, it has not been the best week and this game is just starting off so slow and I hate my tribe SO much like it's literally disgusting. I used to hate the One World Twist and I still do as a concept, but thank GOD for it being in this one because I can only tolerate my tribe thanks to being able to talk to people from the other tribes like Jacob, Sammy, Caeleb, etc. I just want this round to be over with and to stop losing for just a few rounds. whew that's all i have to say fuck emma for throwing this 

So I survived tribal! That's great! I was really hoping it wasn't going to be like a permanent red mark against my record. I obviously had a plan for if I did go into the arena, and I figured I would survive, but I'm really glad I don't have to have that permanent scratch on my Tumblr Survivor Record now, and hopefully that makes the endgame easier to navigate. You have to consider things like the FTC early in seasons like these because of the one World Twist and the Arena twist. Both totally impact whether the jury will vote for you, and so it's important to be thinking far more ahead than one usually thinks in Survivor. I'm honestly SHOCKED that I survived tribal tonight, I was 100% Juls and Billy were voting for me, but I'm really glad it happened. I think this confirmed my loyalty with Billy, but in tribal I did come off passive aggressive and honestly, they can deal with it. I wanted to be slightly entertaining but still try to sound rational and sane in where I was coming from, hopefully I accomplished like that? Like I was just so frustrated that my name was in genuine consideration, from what *I* had heard. Like... why the fuck? I got the highest score in the challenge, offered to do flag and did chant for the other team, Emma did nothing both times, it was obvious she should've been the vote. And I'm really happy all the tribe came around with that. I'm really happy I can appreciate loyalty from the people I've grown to like on this tribe. I think I can count on Jacob as a number, and as far as Juls and Billy go, I love those two man. They are great people and I love talking to them. The only issue I have with this tribe is everyone is quiet and shaky and on such a small tribe, everyone gives indefinite answers and it makes things fucking awkward and paranoia runs rampant as you saw tonight. I'm just happy to be safe, have numbers, and be out of the damn Arena. That being said, this tribe is still too tiny and with a possibly furious Emma coming back to exact revenge (and I know she has a lovely heart and personality so I'm definitely expecting her to win over an army) I want to swap out of here as fast as possible so I can begin building my own path to a glimmering throne. 

He’s not as good at challenges as billy, and I’m close with juls and Jacob so I’m not voting them, and billy is immune And everyone is voting with me in theory except landen Next round I’m hoping we don’t go to tribal lol 

This tribe kindof hates each other. Landen and Billy are distrustful of each other. Emma and Landen are also distrustful. Juls and Landen and Emma and Billy are pairs if we want to go that far. I am good with Emma and Landen, Emma slightly less so now, but I did help her out quite a bit. I'm playing both sides pretty well, let's see how far that'll get me, cause I need to be incredibly careful. Juls is also viewed as a greater swing vote, so if both sides-ing does come back to bite us, it should bite Juls before me. Hopefully Emma comes back.

so round two has been a bit better, i think ive repaired all my relationships on my tribe and even managed to stand out in the challenge so maybe they think theyll need me and keep me around. Long story short i think I have longevity for now, but to be completely honest the longer this twist is in the game where once im voted out i just have to beat somoene in a challenge to get back like, im not overly concerned

Just wanted to ask HOW WERE WE ABLE TO WIN IMMUNITY WHEN WE DIDN'T EVEN GET A MEDAL?!?!?!?!?!? *cackling* Also Connor getting voted out is what he gets for saying in the main chat to vote me out. <3 u Connor <3 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i'm here for your Jare and Lana Thoughts

hmm i’m not good at like, coming up with concrete ideas/hcs, or at recalling anything, but yeah they should get to be friends

i mean we don’t know that alana has Any friends, and really even pre-act 2, evan is not an amazing friend to jared, and even if things were better re: that relationship, it’s not really ideal to for jared to have one single friend anyways.......and, again, evan’s not exactly the perfect friend and like, even though i think anyone taking any real note of the material realizes that jared and evan’s relationship being not very close or great at this juncture is a two-way street, it’s easily arguable that evan’s a worse friend to jared in canon than jared is to him. so like, if jared’s gonna have One Friend lol tbh it would be great if he and alana could become friends and like, have someone to hang out with and just have a chill time being Not Alone for once and not having to feel like they have to be maintaining this perfect performance at all times or be dropped

really like it’s a great concept to just imagine them getting to spend time together doing totally unremarkable average Hanging Out stuff.......do homework together sometimes instead of alone in their respective bedrooms, spend time together on the weekend and play video games / watch a movie, just do some chill shit that gives them the chance to have conversations and share interests and personal info and just like, get used to feeling more relaxed in this person’s presence and like this is a real friendship......maybe they spend time together in canon doing tcp stuff ever but we were never shown it, and that’s a bit of a transition from being mostly strangers (distant acquaintances) to being Sort Of friends / at least being more familiar with each other......and maybe they can become closer After the tcp heyday, like, presumably in the timeskip-and-beyond part of things.....like, yeah there's the issue of everything that happened re: tcp and how jared knows more about the inside story while maybe alana just suspects, and natch i don't think jared would be willing to share that Inside Story if only because we all know that he and evan are mutually protecting each other forever, but also i don't think that like, thoroughly discussing the tcp stuff is absolutely crucial to jared and alana getting to be friends. for one thing, they probably can't have gotten That close during tcp, since by act 2 jared is apparently not super involved, and for another thing i think by the finale times both alana and jared might Both just be wanting to pretty much like, move on from all the tcp stuff.

also like, really i don't remember if jared's Extracurriculars like model u.n. was from pre-bway content and/or if it was from "cherrypicking anything worthwhile from the novel" content lol, but also stuff like being a camp counselor can't be completely effortless, and as someone who isn't too close to his parents and for whomst, at least at one point, theoretically, his car insurance being paid was tied to him doing stuff his mom wants him to do e.g. Be Nice To Evan, i get the idea that maybe jared does some academic / extracurricular stuff at least partially with the motivation of staying in the good graces of his parents and other adults / being Approved of via those routes of like, performing well at various Set Tasks like "get good grades" "be in model u.n." "be nice to evan, theoretically, according to jared himself" and etc........anyways this is a really roundabout way to get to "alana might be engaged in like, structured / approved Tasks as a means to being supported, not in the exact same way as jared is but with enough of a parallel that he Understands it".....like, i think yeah we can deduce that alana is kind of Studious or at least cares about her academic performance, but people like, forget that she's Not just doing everything for her college applications, and that most of what the focus is on is alana doing Extracurricular stuff that's more involved with / focused on Local Community than just like, school......she's talking about what she did over the summer, which is sure inherently Not stuff for school, and tcp is only partly about the school, and isn't Academic.......alana probably sees Community Involvement as a means to support / connection / positive attention, which is a bit different from jared who like, yeah might be kinda on that wavelength in Disappear thru Ywbf, but also it might be mostly "oh i can be in this group with evan and alana"......jared mostly seems to regard Attention From Anyone Else as something potentially negative, even though of course he doesn't want to Not get any attention, so on the one hand he's trying to get ahead of that Potential Negative Attention by trying to establish his own Role as [i'm the jokes boy] and be able to Deflect attention away from himself, or at least from whatever aspects of himself he doesn't want to have anyone focus on / question, and he seems to have an even more Defensive approach re: adults (i.e. "literally nothing i tell my parents is true") and it's easy to imagine that he sees it as like, as long as he Does This Checklist of Tasks He's Supposed To Do, e.g. "get decent grades" / "do some extracurriculars (i'm just remembering model u.n. was from Prior Versions Of The Show b/c it was related to that perjury thing and being the ambassador of luxembourg)" / etc and Adults Will Leave Him Alone Entirely Maybe........alana of course doesn't really wanna be left alone, but also she's more focused on her Peers than adults as well, ppl mischaracterizing her as like, only caring about grades & Rules & generally being a killjoy.........but natch if she Is trying to get good grades and Is involving herself in a lot of projects academic or extracurricular or unaffiliated with school at all, and there's gonna be more Work involved in that, and probably hanging out with her will involve doing work Parallel to each other, or at least, alana doing work while you do whatever.......and i think jared would Get that and wouldn't be like, "why are you boring" lol......out here down to bond with evan over basically a writing project......having Computer Skills which he presumably honed / hones on his own time.........this is a mess but im basically getting to "jared wouldn't think alana is boring or anything and would understand pursuing Something through the routes of Projects and Commitments and Approved Activities" look i'm phrasing everything terribly but if i don't just get shit down i'll never answer this ask

meanwhile i think alana would think jared is funny, which is nice b/c despite jared trying to be Humorous evan doesn't act very interested or like he's like "jared you're hilarious and i love that about you" lmao like. obviously people interpret jared's Attitude as like omg so uncaring he has no feelings he also has no problems b/c he Takes Nothing Seriously (which obviously. Humor / demeanor doesn't necessarily reflect taking whatever "seriously" or not.) and maybe evan's misinterpreting it too, but even if he Knows better re: how jared really feels about things, he's not exactly trying to engage with him about it any other way, so.......anyways alana thought connor's terrible joke from probably a while back is funny so. she'd probably Genuinely be like "haha good one jared" and jared would get to be like :o :o :o whoa i made a joke and someone reacted......natch jared's also just trying to like, Provoke evan into paying attention to him sometimes with his Humour / being able to comment on Real Shit without giving away his Real Feelings but like, probably not the ideal form of communication, and jared's out here @ connor like "it was a joke" so he'd probably be fine if any other students like, reacted to his jokes as jokes.........and alana could. also she might Joke sometimes in return lol

there Is that bit of an issue where yeah alana having a tendency to just Take The Lead on things where jared has a tendency to just like, back off if he isn't expressly given space in the first place or if he's pushed back, and this isn't Ideal obviously but like, he and alana don't have to interact via Working On Projects Together alone, especially not tcp, and it'd be an inherently different dynamic if they were interacting solely due to being Friends / wanting to hang out for no especial reason vs interacting to work on something together........and i don't think alana would Want a friendship to be the same as "someone she works on a project with" like, as far as we know in canon, alana only has Acquaintances and jared ends up losing his one friend, so i think if alana and jared become closer later on / start this new Actual Friendship between themselves, alana wouldn't want it to feel the same as like, being involved in tcp together (and neither would jared), and i also don't think jared would necessarily want it to feel like his friendship with evan, which natch wasn't going great, particularly not in those final months l o l .......even though both of them being Friendless would probably make them somewhat eager to make One Friend, they both got burned by their attempts to Get Closer To People (or A Person in jared's case lol) ("everyone needed it for something" like okayyy if you say so, guess we Are just forgetting about alana and jared's existence), and they might not exactly be raring to go about [Obtaining Friendship] the same way again. and since they both had a pretty Transactional approach to getting positive attention (i.e. jared helping evan out and doing shit for him, alana doing the same and presumably doing the bulk of the tcp work when evan ingeniously held jared at arm's length instead of having him more involved but then kind of peaced out of the project himself) it'd probably be nice for alana to have someone who seems to like being around her without it being due to any of the work she does / has done, whereas jared probably doesn't wanna be The Guy Who Helps Out and is only talked to for that purpose..............and them both having a friend who they Didn't make / keep via their respective wtaw-type approaches to things is probably gonna be encouraging re: the fact that yknow, they don't have to put on that certain Performance of what they think people might want from them / people might find Acceptable from them........and of course if they spend more time together they'll get more used to the other / learn about them, and probably ~Learn About Themselves~ since they're finally getting to like, Not be putting on a performance for someone / feeling like they have to play some specific role to be liked or whatever

and like, alana isn't just all Boring and incapable of having fun or comprehending what that is........i like soph's hc that she loves karaoke, jared could tag along and be the audience lol and it's just like, hey we can just have fun together doing shit for fun and not like, feeling like you're having to prove your worth to the other person all the time, just having some confidence that the other person likes you for who you are and they can relax and actually enjoy it

naturally i like the idea that alana and jared become friends (or better friends) in college........the rest of senior year has to be Not A Great Time and just generally more fraught than usual for them, and they could stand to have the summer before college to kinda take a breath (but also maybe feel worried about college) but then yknow once college starts they're In college and it's different from hs (and better), and it being a Different environment with Different people and a Different structure can also help them just like, get more comfortable with themselves and maybe (hopefully) feel more capable of pursuing stuff they really wanna do and just overall be having a better time than, say, in senior year of high school.....would sure be convenient if they went to the same one of course. lol. hang out all the time on campus / between classes, go to Social Occasions together, be in the same dorm / just keep hanging out at each other's, etc

also just like, on its own, i always like the idea of jared also being able to Make Friends / have decent, positive, accepting Social Interactions via joining a club / being involved in some extracurricular type shit, where he Can be comfortable like "oh i'm here to Do Some Tasks so i get to be part of this group of people just by signing up, not by everyone else deciding they want me around" and then yknow, be spending time with this group of people that way, end up hanging out at various points kind of branching off of whatever Tasks are being done, and sort of gradually realize that people Don't Dislike him and can then catch on that maybe he has some potential friends here.........it's fun to think of him doing like, tech work for theatre, and also in the midst of all these theatre people he can like, fully realize Oh I'm Gay (and maybe get to fully process what went down there re: evan and his own Heartbreak there, like the fact that it Was heartbreak).......and to add the idea of Alana Being Friends with him during college, maybe a) she can hang out over in the theatre area sometimes while he's doing whatever and work on her own stuff but also get to interact with everyone else who might be around and b) if he gets any comp tickets she can get one and c) idk she can maybe also be Directly involved in helping out sometimes......

and also anyways getting all the way to This Point in the answer before mentioning that like, of course both jared and alana are gay and maybe haven't figured this out entirely by the events of Canon but sure could during college and could be each other's Supportive Friend, naturally if one of them figures it out first the other one is like wow great i'm such an Ally of that, boy it feels really great to Know i have a gay friend actually, b/c i'm Such An Ally......and then figuring it out for themself as well lmao like aha. hope they don't think i'm copying them lol...........also the one Jared And Alana "Dating" idea i permit is that maybe back in the day when neither of them were Aware of their own gayness they like, vibed with each other and were like "hmm is this Having A Crush?" and "dated" awkwardly for like a month or two or something (or less lol)......naturally they could've had this sort of experience with Anyone but like, the sort of underlying thing that the Affinity they mistook for "i wanna date this person" was them rly having the potential to be good friends and have a significant relationship that way. but then them having this real awkward "dating" experience probably would delay that for at least a little bit lmao like avoiding each other b/c even if it sure was just like, a not-that-dramatic mutual breakup, it's still uncomfortable and it's like "why didn't this work out at all"............but yeah the important part is they're gay and they're friends and if they are also good friends while they're figuring out the Being Gay stuff for themselves then that's just nice for them.....have this person be supportive and glad for you........

also and yknow there's the idea of "what if jared and evan start to make up in College Times and possibly kleinsen happens" and obviously being back in touch with evan would be both fraught for jared and alana even if they're in this place where it's easier to extend him some grace here, but they'd sure understand each other's misgivings and trepidation here even if they don't really lay out each and every Detail of like "yeah here's why and how i was hurt back in the day in tcp times".......and yknow, for jared it wouldn't have to be like "wow after i lost evan i've had No Friends and having him back in my life would mean i'm not completely alone anymore," which might help him take his time in contemplating / reflecting upon the situation lol. and who knows, alana might be down to accept an apology as well at least or something. but regardless of that concept Yeah jared and alana getting to be friends in college would be cool for both of them.

these are all broad sweeping concepts lmao instead of like any fun details or specific events / scenarios lol but yeah here are some Thoughts.......a real tl;dr is that it'd be nice if like, overall, both jared and alana felt like they had some more space in college to figure themselves out and feel less pressure to fit some precise role that will win them approval, and they find some Connection through each other and get to share that like, Figuring Themselves Out territory while being friends and getting some emotional support from each other, and they are gay

[timetravelingheart]

My Side of the Fence Chapter Nineteen: A.M. Imagine

It had been nearly three weeks and Savannah had done absolutely nothing. 

Actually, that’s not entirely accurate if you consider active avoidance to be something, which Connor definitely did not, but Savannah herself thought the idea had some merit to it. She was actively choosing not to contact Auston and she was actively choosing to distance herself in an attempt to stay the course and not give in to her feelings. Connor was trying, and failing, to get her to talk to Auston, so Savannah had resorted to pretty much avoiding him as well. 

It was nearing the end of November and she hadn’t spoken to Auston in nearly three weeks. It was the longest they had gone without seeing or speaking to one another since the day they met. Fortunately, being an Olympic athlete was all about willpower and mental endurance, so Savannah was well-versed in not acting out on her emotions. 

Not speaking to Auston also meant that she hadn’t interacted with any other players on his team, included very limited interactions with Mitch who was told by Stephanie in no uncertain terms that he was not allowed to meddle. Mitch was unimpressed to say the least, especially as he watched his best friend grow moodier and moodier by the day, but he knew better than to ignore both Steph and Savannah’s wishes - that was double the wrath that he definitely did not want to endure. Stephanie was torn between wanting to support her best friend and wanting to kidnap her and lock her in a room with Auston until they both finally admitted their feelings for and to one another. 

All of the tension Savannah felt every time she woke up and stepped foot outside her apartment led her to taking an early escape to the family home in Kingston. She told her parents that she just felt like spending more family time with them during the holiday season given how many years she spent away from them. Her dad bought it partially, knowing that something else spurred this decision but not really caring if it meant he got to spend more time with his baby girl. 

Her mom, on the other hand, was an entirely different story. Sylvia had long suspected that Savannah was hiding something from her and had been patiently waiting for her daughter to seek her out whenever she felt it was necessary. Raising an Olympian had given Sylvia a new perspective on motherhood. While she was almost too involved in the decisions of her older children, who still constantly sought her out for advice, she had the polar opposite experience with Savannah who lived and trained a great distance away from her protective eye. It was a tough learning curve, but eventually Sylvia learned to respect the space her youngest child needed to work through any problems or challenges and trusted that if she really needed her mom, she would come to her. 

And so, as they were bundled up in this November cold-front hitting Ontario out shopping for Christmas presents, Sylvia waited patiently for the issue to come up, opting instead to talk about the Christmas special Savannah would be skating in the following week and Christmas plans with their extended family. 

With large bags in tow, they stopped at a nearby cafe for hot beverages and to give their tired feet a rest. Setting up shop in the back corner of the cafe next to the fireplace and with a beautiful view of the snow falling outside, they sat in comfortable silence before Savannah spoke. 

“I think I’m in love,” she stated, but not in a lovestruck happy way. She sounded downright disappointed and Sylvia had to bite back a knowing smile. Savannah hated anything that moved her out of her comfort zone when it came to relationships, and it was clear she was about as uncomfortable as Sylvia had ever seen her. 

Oh, boy, she thought. Her youngest child was definitely in love.

“Well,” Sylvia took a sip from her mug and then set it down, resting back in her comfy chair, “you don’t sound very happy about that.”

“Let’s just say that it was unexpected and entirely unplanned,” Savannah responded, mirroring her mother’s actions subconsciously. She had always admired her mother. Sweet and kind, but unsuspectingly strong and determined. Whiskey in a teacup, her grandmother, who herself was a firecracker, used to always say. Savannah came from a long line of strong women who didn’t find strength in doing everything alone, but in leaning on other women and supporting other women. Savannah was used to doing things for herself, knowing that in her business it was important to always look out for yourself and watch your back. But being around her mother reminded her of just how much strength she drew from their connection, from their love for one another. She was in need of that strength today. 

“Honey, love is usually unexpected and unplanned. That’s what makes it so wonderful.”

“That’s also what makes it so terrifying.”

Sylvia smiled sympathetically and reached over to squeeze Savannah’s hand three times. “This is about a certain tall, handsome, leading goal scorer Maple Leaf player, isn’t it?”

Savannah simply nodded. 

“We should return the gifts you bought your dad today. You dating Auston Matthews will be the best Christmas gift he’s ever received!” 

“Mom!” Savannah gasped. Her mother laughed. 

“Oh honey, I’m teasing,” she leaned back in her seat, proud of herself for having predicted this a while back. “So what is the problem?”

“The problem is that I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him and I can’t be with him.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” Savannah sighed, tired of explaining herself to everyone. “I need to focus on this quad and being in a relationship is a distraction. I can’t give everything to it and it’s not fair to him to not have the girlfriend he deserves.”

“What does he have to say about this?” Sylvia asked, choosing to tackle one issue in her daughter’s statement at a time. 

“Nothing,” Savannah shrugged. Sylvia raised a skeptical eyebrow. Savannah relented. “He says that I shouldn’t assume I know what he thinks he deserves but he also said that us keeping things casual was fine with him.”

“So you’ve been sleeping with him?”

“Mom!” Savannah gasped again, mortified at her mother’s bluntness. 

“Oh, honey, I’m not that old-fashioned,” Sylvia waved her had dismissively. “So explain to me how sleeping with him is not a distraction but a relationship with him is?” 

“If it’s just casual, then there’s no real investment from either of us which means we can’t hurt one another, which then means I won’t be distracted when it all inevitably ends, as it now has.”

“But you seem pretty upset right now for someone who just ended something that wasn’t supposed to mean anything.”

Savannah paused, taking a sip from her now lukewarm tea. She knew her logic was flawed the entire time, but it meant that she got to have Auston and still keep him at a distance, telling herself that she wouldn’t get hurt this way. And now nearly three weeks without him, she was starting to see how wrong she was. 

“Bear with me here because I know this is a radical idea,” her mother started conspiratorially. “You could just tell him how you feel and see what happens. It could all work out. Crazier things have happened.”

"You make it sound so simple.”

“Oh,” Sylvia laughed, decades of relationship experience behind her, “it definitely is anything but simple. But you can’t let your life be dictated by your fear of getting hurt. If this boy feels about you the same way you feel about him, he is going to do everything in his power to not hurt you.” Savannah opened her mouth to speak but Sylvia raised her hand to stop her. “But, and I hate to tell you this munchkin, you will hurt each other. You probably already have. It’s about the intention behind that hurt and how you recover from it - together. You just have to give him a chance.”

“I don’t even know if he feels the same way about me,” Savannah held her cool palms to her sore eyes to soothe them. 

Sylvia moved from her seat to sit on the edge of Savannah’s chair, wrapping her daughter up in a side hug, her chin resting on the top of Savannah’s head. 

“Oh, honey,” she whispered, and all at once she understood everything. “The question isn’t if he feels the same - it’s if you’re willing to let him love you for who you are, flaws and fears and all.” She felt Savannah sigh in their embrace. “I guess there’s only one way for you to find out now, isn’t there?”

Savannah nodded, squeezing her mother closer to her body. 

“Oh, and honey?” Savannah looked up at her mom, seeing the smirk teasing at the corners of her mouth. “Figure it out before Christmas? I can’t wait to tell your dad!”

“MOM!”

___

Back in Toronto, Auston was miserable, to put it lightly. 

The first week following their ‘break-up’ if you can call it that, he didn’t try to contact Savannah at all. He knew that she often needed her space and he felt it was best to give it to her. He thought maybe she would miss him enough to come around and reach out to him. By the second week, he realized that he had greatly underestimated Savannah’s willpower. Or, maybe, and this was a hard idea to swallow, maybe Savannah really didn’t feel as deeply for him as he felt for her. It was that idea that kept him from messaging her that second week. 

As the third week started, he was just becoming angry. Angry with her for writing him off as if what they had didn’t matter. Angry with himself for not fighting harder for her and telling her how he felt. Angry with the fans for posting those photos and speculating about their personal lives. Angry with Mitch who refused to talk to Savannah for him. He was just angry all the time. 

And so that was how Auston found himself at Patrick’s house with Mitch, this time after decorating gingerbread houses with the four Marleau boys. After the boys had gone to bed, Christina also retired to bed, leaving Patrick, Mitch, and Auston to clean up the mess in the kitchen. 

Mitch and Patty had been making small talk while Auston silently collected extra candy pieces from the houses and wiped down the counter. Catching one another’s eye, Mitch nodded at Patty, urging him to go through with the plan they had discussed earlier.

“So when do you plan on telling Savannah that you’re in love with her?” Patty skipped the pleasantries. Mitch gawked at him. This was definitely not the plan. The plan was to ease into it. Patty shrugged. It was time these two figured their shit out. 

Auston dropped down at one of the stools at the kitchen island and buried his head in his arms on the counter, groaning loudly. Mitch and Patty shared a smirk at their friend’s expense; they had to admit that while the back and forth between the two had been frustrating to watch, it was mildly funny just how difficult they were both making it. 

Auston lifted his head and slouched back in the chair. 

"Not any time soon, that’s for sure,” he shrugged. “She made it pretty clear that she couldn’t see me and hasn’t even tried to contact me in almost three weeks. She called what we were doing ‘just friends and sex’ and made it look pretty easy too. Why would I tell her how I feel now?”

"Because maybe if you told her how you really felt, and tell her that you lied, it might change things?” Mitch moved to sit in the chair next to Auston. 

“What did you lie about?” Patty asked, as he leaned on the counter across from the two younger men. 

“After Naz’s birthday, Sav asked him if he was still okay with them just keeping things casual and he said yes,” Mitch offered, when it became obvious that Auston didn’t feel like speaking. “Actually, he said ‘it’s not more than that’ for him, and she believed him.”

Patty didn’t say anything, and was somehow able to keep a straight face even though on the inside he was cringing. Lies very rarely helped any situation, especially one with Savannah, who already had trust issues. Auston sighed, catching Patty’s attention. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” he felt like he had to defend himself. “I shouldn’t have lied to her, and I agree. But it’s not a total lie. I am okay with it as long as it means I am with her. The rest will come in time. I don’t need a label.”

“But it’s also not just casual for you, right?” Patty asked. “I mean, it’s been about more than that from the very beginning for you, hasn’t it?” Auston simply nodded, not knowing what else he could say. Patty had a plan. “Look, you definitely shouldn’t have lied to her, but I get why you did it. Are you really okay with it though? Don’t you think you deserve to be with someone who shows you how much they want to be with you? Who doesn’t make you feel like you have to prove yourself?” 

“What do you mean?” Auston asked, now on edge and not liking the direction this supposed pep talk was taking. 

“It just seems like from the beginning she’s been hot and cold with you, letting you in just to back off again, putting you through the ringer. It seems like you spend most of your time just trying to wade through what she’s actually been willing to give you. What makes her worth that?” 

Mitch and Auston stared at him in shock. Mitch was not expecting him to go off on Savannah like that, but when he caught the subtle wink Patty threw in his direction, he knew what was happening. 

“What makes her worth that? Are you serious?” Auston could feel his anger building again, but didn’t really want to take it out on his friend and a man he respected. 

“I’m serious. Make me understand why someone who makes you question how they feel about you is worth it.”

“Sav is the most amazing person I’ve ever met. She is the most kind-hearted and generous person. Do you know how many charities she’s involved in and how many under the radar things she does for other people without even being asked? She is also unexpectedly hilarious and sarcastic, always ready with a clever response. She is obviously beautiful, but that’s not even what I love most about her. She makes me a better person. She pushes me to be better at communicating with my family and friends, always reminding me to call home and check in with people. She makes me think about social issues that I would usually just tune out because I don’t feel smart enough to get involved. If I’m wrong or uninformed, she doesn’t act like I’m some dumb hockey player, but she’ll take the time to explain things and will send me articles that will help. She also drives me absolutely insane with how stubborn she is and yet I still just want to be around her all the time. It sounds so stupid, but she makes me feel lighter and warmer and just...happy. Like I can do anything with her by my side,” he paused, shaking his head at himself. He really was a goner for her. 

“And yeah, I’m so fucking scared all the time of doing something that will make her run away. I don’t even know if she feels the same or if I’ve just made up all of those moments with her where I believed she did, trying to make myself feel better. But man, when she’s actually let me in, it’s meant the world to me. I get where her fears come from and why she holds herself at a distance. I get it and I want to prove to her that she doesn’t have to do that. She deserves the world and yet refuses to ask for it. Man, don’t even ask me if she’s worth it. She’s worth everything.”

Mitch stared at his best friend in shock, mouth hanging open. Patty just nodded simply, standing up straight. 

"All right, that was exactly what I was hoping you would say,” he rubbed his hands together. “So now that I know that, I feel like I can tell you the next part in good faith.” He paused for effect, watching as the two men stared at him expectantly. “Savannah is in love with you. Today, right now. Not later, not in time. Now. And I absolutely do think she is worth it. So now we have to figure out what you’re going to do to get her back.”

Mitch could not have been more enamoured with the guy who was a hero of his who had quickly become one of his best friends. Don’t ever say Patrick Marleau is only good at hockey. 

“How do you know she feels the same?” Auston asked, his own doubts crowding his mind. His doubts had immobilized him, keeping him from reaching out to Savannah and tell her just how much he loved her and wanted everything with her. How could Patty be so sure?

“Let’s just say it’s obvious to some of us,” Patty shrugged dismissively, but relented once he read the skeptical looks being directed at him. “And, Christina has taken a sort of vested interest in your relationship and is the one who told me that she knew Savannah loved you.”

Mitch and Auston laughed in surprise. 

"So you let me think you had all of these pearls of wisdom and all along they’ve been coming from your wife?” Auston asked, surprised and yet also not after the past couple of years of getting to know the lady of the Marleau house. 

“Yeah, pretty much,” Patrick moved back to finish loading the dishwasher, leaving the two younger men to just shake their heads at one another, knowing they still had so much to learn. 

[yukipage]

Promises (Connor/Reader)

Blue Lips, Blue Veins: Part 4

Characters: Connor (RK800), Reader, Lieutenant Hank Anderson.

Summary: You choose to sacrifice yourself for Connor's sake. He does everything in his power to save your life with mounting frustration at your reckless actions.

Author: Thank you guys who participated! I tabulated all of the responses from both Ao3 and my Tumblr, and this was the most popular choice. To be honest, it wasn't what I expected, but it was fun to take the story in a different direction. Thanks for reading and have a nice day :)

Square: SACRIFICE

What happens next is not a consequence of careful planning or logic. You don’t think, because there is no time to think; you do. In the blink of an eye, you throw yourself in front of Connor just as Zlatko pulls the trigger. Pain rips into your torso and your forearm, bringing you to your knees. For a split second, Connor just stares at you in shock. Your mouth opens in a silent wail as you feebly clutch your chest. Breaking from his stupor, Connor yanks the gun from your incapacitated grip, sending fresh waves of agony through your entire being. Without hesitation, and with deadly aim, he shoots Zlatko straight through the forehead. The shotgun slips from Zlatko’s grasp and he collapses like a felled tree in a growing puddle of his own fluids.

Meanwhile, you are in your own personal hell. Blood flows freely over your fingers, the stain in your shirt growing ever wider. Unbidden, a whimper escapes your lips. Connor’s head snaps in your direction and the gun clatters to the floor. Quickly, he kneels down next you and lays you on your back. He pulls off his necktie and ties a tourniquet around your upper arm. The android’s movements are precise and calculated; his attention doesn’t waver from his task and his hands don’t shake. As he works, he makes an emergency call. “Yes 911? An officer has been shot. I’m performing first aid now.” He gives them the address and hangs up curtly. Shrugging off his coat, he rolls up his sleeves and presses the piece of fabric into your chest wound. You writhe underneath the weight. “I need to apply pressure to your injury,” he explains quietly. “None of your major arteries are punctured, but I have to stop the bleeding.” You stare glassy-eyed at the ceiling, praying for any distraction from the suffering. You turn your gaze towards him and notice a small hole in his wrist, thirium trickling from it to his hand.

“Connor,” you gasp. Your breathing comes out short and quick, leaving you permanently winded.

“Don’t speak,” he orders. With your free hand, you grab his arm and squeeze with all your might. Connor refuses to meet your eyes, focusing determinedly on your wound. Tears roll down your cheeks as you use him to anchor you through the excruciating pain. You will yourself to pass out. Only after what seems like an eternity, with sirens growing louder in the distance, do you slip limply into the sweet release of unconsciousness.

When you return to the world, the first thing you notice is the smell. The distinct scent of sterile sheets and spotless hallways fills your nostrils. Then, you become aware of the soft, steady beeping of a heart rate monitor. Cautiously, you take inventory of your injuries. Your chest and arms ache dully, but it’s nowhere near what you felt before. You slowly open your eyes. The room you’re in is pretty stereotypical for a hospital. A whiteboard hangs on the wall directly across from you, announcing the nurse on duty in blue dry-erase marker. In the corner, a small television is mounted on the wall. You shift your hands and notice the tubes attached to you, leading to the machines on your left. To your right, sits a jacketless and tieless Connor in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs. He stares blankly at the wall. “Hey,” you say, trying to get his attention. Connor remains motionless. “Connor, please. Talk to me.”

“Did you know that there many, many other RK800 models in storage at CyberLife?” His tone is even and measured. “If I’m ever damaged beyond repair, a fair amount of data that I’ve collected so far will be transferred into the memory of another android and my mission will continue.”

Your mouth twists into a frown. “I’m not going to apologize for what I did.”

“You could have just shot him!” Connor explodes. “None of this would have happened if you didn’t insist on blindly putting yourself in danger!” He falls silent, gripping your blanket to compose himself.

You sigh. “You’re right. I should have shot him. I wasn’t thinking.” You take a few moments to formulate what you want to say. “Look, I don’t care if you’re an android. I just didn’t want anyone… to die.” You bite your tongue to keep the word else from slipping out. “In the two days that I’ve known you, I’ve come to consider you as a friend. Which, frankly, is unheard of when it comes to me. I don’t… I don’t tend to trust people that easily. Uh…” You try to recover. “I’m rambling. Anyway, the point is that I’m not going to promise to not try to save you. But, what I will promise is to try to think about the best option; one that doesn’t involve killing myself. Alright?” Connor terse nods in agreement. “Ok then. So,” you exhale. “What’s the damage? How long was I out for?”

“You’ve been unconscious for around twenty seven hours. They kept you under in order to remove the bullets from your body. You had two in your chest and one in you arm.” You gently feel the bandages under your shirt and on your am. “There were mild complications, but no permanent harm was done. You’re to be released within the next few days.”

“You stayed with me all this time?”

“Yes. I only managed to get ahold of Hank in the past hour. He’ll be here shortly.”

“Geez.” You finger your bandages. “I got off lucky. Or, not luck, since you basically saved my life.” You notice the tear in the cuff of Connor’s shirt and your memories flood back. “What happened?” You take his hand and turn it over. A small, ragged hole is punched through the fabric, but his wrist is unblemished underneath.

He watches you. “A stray bullet hit me. My skin repaired itself.”

With the ball of your thumb, you rub the skin exposed by the bullet hole. “You know, you really shouldn’t devalue yourself so much. Your life matters too.”

The door bursts open and you release him with a start. Hank marches into the room, out of breath. “Blue, thank God you’re ok. You are ok, right?”

You crack a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tore up.”

“Good, good.” He regains his breath, then pivots towards Connor. Hank grabs him and lifts him up by the collar. “Why did you let this happen you piece of crap?” He shakes the android.

“Hank! Hank, let him go; it wasn’t his fault.” You attempt to get out of bed but wince as the pain in your chest and the tubes pumping drugs into your veins hold you back. Hank sets Connor free and helps you back into a relaxed position. “Take it easy, kid. Don’t hurt yourself.”

“It wasn’t his fault,” you reiterate. “He stopped me from bleeding out. If it weren’t for him, I would be dead.”

“Ok, I believe you. It’s alright.” Hank adjusts your pillow and looks back at Connor, who’s smoothing down his rumpled shirt. “I guess I owe you an apology.”

“There’s no need, Lieutenant. I would be angry too if I were in your position.” You smirk at the irony of that statement compared to how Connor had just yelled at you.

“Well, I’m here not just for Blue. TV on,” Hank says. The screen blares to life, displaying a news station.

“We’re still unclear about what exactly what occurred during the android infiltration of Channel 16’s broadcasting station. The Detroit police are now being joined by the FBI in investigating the turn of events. No official statement has been released yet about the alarming breach of security that happened yesterday morning,” states a female reporter, with a video of a skinless android playing on loop in the background.

“Yes, I already knew,” Connor says. “But I couldn’t reach you until now and someone had to stay with Blue. We should head to the crime scene immediately.” He directs his gaze to you, almost tenderly. “Rest well, Blue.”

“Yeah. Heal up. We can’t have you down for the count like this.” Hank passes a hand over your forehead and you grin weakly at him. “I’ll keep you posted on what goes down, don’t worry.”

That is the last time you see your friends for some time. Over the next couple of days, you watch Detroit descend into a state of panic from your hospital bed. You keep your eyes glued to the TV, listening to the reports of a group of deviants freeing androids from a CyberLife store, of a peaceful protest led through the downtown shopping center. You weep at the footage of the android bodies gunned down and splayed haphazardly in the streets. True to his word, Hank updates you every now and then. “I tell you, Connor scared the crap out of me. He’s going to give me a heart attack one day. He was connected to a deviant right before it blew its freaking brains out! And the look on his face afterwards… I swear, Blue. He said that he felt it die. He said he was scared.”

“Holy crap,” you murmur.

“I know, right? Connor also was able to get something out of it. A word: Jericho. We don’t know what it means yet. I’ll get back to you tomorrow, after we visit some retired CyberLife guy named Kamski.”

The word runs through your head over and over again as you wait out the long hours. Eventually, you learn from Hank that it’s the name of the deviant’s secret hideout. He tells you that the police are booted from the case and the FBI took over. Connor was not happy. Coincidently, someone broke into evidence just before the android supposedly went back to CyberLife. You don’t think for one second that Connor gave up his mission.

More time passes, then it’s the night before your release day. You drum your fingers on the empty meal tray, sick of your prison and the world that surrounds you. Anger eats at you as you play back what the skeptic announcers said about the deviants. Their protests prove that they feel, that they’re really people! That they are alive! Your phone buzzes. It’s a text from Hank. It reads: ‘The Feds found Jericho, but they’re not telling us where its at. I heard that they’re sending a raid. I think Connor may have found it first, though.’ Another message: “They got an anonymous tip about its location. I think it was him.”

Your mind races. If Connor knows where Jericho is, then he must be there. What if he gets caught in the raid? You’re busy texting this sentiment to Hank, when the sound of a helicopter whirs overhead. You look out the window and see it fly by, FBI plastered on the its side in large white lettering. It’s heading, by your estimate, toward the abandoned docks a couple of miles away. Hastily, you try to call Hank, but he doesn’t answer. You ball your hand into a fist. Someone has to warn the deviants. Or at least get Connor out. Or both! You pound the tray table, then rip the tubes from your arms. The monitor flat lines as your feet hit the floor. You’re done feeling useless. You’ve got to go to Jericho to find him and warn the others, no matter what happens. Right? Looking around the room, you struggle to come up with a plan that will help you achieve your goal.

Choose: Triangle: SNEAK THROUGH HALLWAY. Square: ESCAPE OUT WINDOW. Circle: RETURN TO BED.

|Ao3| |Part 1| |Part 2| |Part 3|

[sextonsharpwinhalstead]

Chicago Med Review 3x12 Born This Way

Well I’m glad we got that last episode because the mundane of Med is back. I didn’t hate this episode, but I definitely didn’t love it either. They wasted valuable time going back and forth spinning their wheels with the different cases. It was a poor use of their time.

I would have love to have had more depth and background about Laura and how she ended up on the streets. We got the cliff-notes but in-between contractions they could’ve pulled off this story. It might have come off heavy handed but if her story mirrored more of Emily’s his broken-date with April would’ve felt more natural. I knew Emily was going to show up and I almost screamed when I got my precious Arden onscreen! I can’t wait for that story to unfold!

Speaking of family, the handling of Sarah’s father, Robert, has been amazing. I think that it’s the actor because the writing isn’t stellar, but he is so charming and convincing; which is a hallmark feature of psychopathy and sociopathy. I like that they aren’t going the lazy route with this. I love the interaction between Dr. Charles and Dr. Abrams who hammered it home about the fact that there is no cure, no real viable treatment for that personality disorder. That not all people with that disorder are violent, in fact only a small percentage are. The rest are emotionally manipulative and personal annihilators. They lie as easily as they breathe, and they twist things just enough, so their victim feels crazy. You’re more likely to experience financial ruin, gaslighting, horrible trust issues, and low self-esteem after being involved with someone with this disorder. I’m glad Med is going the realistic route.

What I wasn’t particularly crazy about was the pep-talk for a pedophile. This is a subject matter that the “After-school-special” formula One Chicago franchise is known for, does not have the depth to truly address. It cannot be done in a single episode and it did absolutely nothing for our characters. We had April feeling badly for not taking her emotions out of her job (one of her strengths) and “judging” this man. What would she have changed? She still followed all of Will’s orders and treated the patient with the same amount of urgency she would any other. The only difference is she didn’t go to bat and be the pro-life character we know she is. It’s a shame that she and Ethan didn’t have a chance to connect later on because men like her patient are the reasons a lot of those kids are in that encampment to begin with.

Although he hasn’t been to church in a while, Will like April, is also Catholic so that could be part of where he was coming from, but this was A LOT. I mean where was this spirited compassion and tenacity for the young couple who came into the ED and lost their baby? He was so detached, and he kept saying that he wanted to help them get through the inevitable but those were just words. We never saw Will lend them any kind words or discuss grief counseling. Nothing. It was procedural. He seemed as though he had more compassion for this man who literally daydreams on the daily of destroying the minds, hearts, and utterly the souls of children through sexual condemnation. I just found the entire thing to be self-serving (on Will’s part) and slightly bizarre.

Natalie won the judgmental award. I have no idea how a woman, who is a mother, could watch as that poor girl gave up her baby and not be moved. Kudos to Brian Tee again on the subtle acting he portrayed. When I saw that single quiet tear go down his face I knew I wasn’t the only one crying in that scene.

Natalie is just… I don’t know. She is quickly becoming a character I despise.

Right after Connor… he fucked up this entire episode, but Med did that thing where he was wrong but not really wrong. *eyeroll* Characters like him are less Mary-Sue when they fail, and we see what kind of integrity they have when they do.

Ava’s scenes were great. When she was speaking to those parents we got to see the surgeon disappear and the woman come forward. There was something about this particular illness which made me wonder if there wasn’t more to her story. Did she lose someone she was close to? Superb acting by Norma and even better when she declined Connor’s offer. I have a feeling she lives by the credo of do unto others before they do unto you. But it comes from a place of protecting her heart and emotions which is probably why she thinks that her night spent with Connor was a mistake.

If you didn’t notice, all the pairings went their separate ways at the end of this episode. I for one think April and Ethan will be fine, Connor and Ava haven’t really done much besides bang, so it could go either way and Will and Natalie…this is the beginning of their problems. I’m telling you. They have built a lengthy story around them but now it’s time to reap the harvest or whatever that analogy is.

Lastly continuing in the theme of “Men Aint’ Shit” is that ambulance driver who snitched on Maggie. I feel bad for the man who lost his leg, but Maggie did ask for paying patients, not exclusively, but she did ask. I thought this was the hammer that would finally be brought down on Sharon, but they flipped it. I wonder if Maggie is going to have a dilemma of profits over patients? All around that dude wasn’t shit and frankly neither is the hospital’s lawyer but I guess one could argue that they were just born that way…*wink. (God that was awful…I just want to be loved.)

[fandom-necromancer]

1646+1649. “Did I ever really matter to you?” “You left me!”

This was prompted by the lovely @definietlynotsatan! I hope you are in for some heavy angst XD

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 (Warnings: heavy angst, temporary character death (not really dead just deactivated))

‘Hey, tin-can, you know er… I mean, we work well together, right? And… and we… we spent quite a lot of time together and I really like your company. You know how you… Ah, phck. I… I just wanted tto say… I. Phck, Nines, I love you. I don’t think I have ever loved anything as much as I do now. We… I’m bad at this, but I really think there is something between us. And- And I wanted to tell you for quite some time now, but never had the balls to do so. Guess I finally got to it… Could you please say something? Anything?’

Nines remembered these words. Nines remembered how they stung in his heart like rusty nails. He remembered the blush on Gavin’s cheeks and his eyes jumping to his, then down again. He remembered how he had kneaded his hands in nervousness and how hopeful he had sounded stuttering like that. He remembered how everything in him had screamed to smile, to nod and to say these very same words back to him. He had wanted to see the blissful smile in the Detective’s face when he heard them. Would they have hugged? Kissed? Would Nines have the desire to spin the man around in circles and laugh? He knew Tina had. How would live be had he just said these three little words?

He certainly wouldn’t lay at home and cry into the cushions. He wouldn’t try to hide his feelings in the little heavily encrypted and partitioned folder reserved just for that and Gavin and fail terribly. It was a wonder it hadn’t been spotted yet. It was a wonder they didn’t yet knew what was going on. A part of him hoped they would find out. They would delete him, deactivate him and be done with it. He wouldn’t have to feel the loss of something he never had to begin with and never thought he would get. The other part had hoped Gavin would have put a bullet right through his head when he had walked away from him without another word. When he had stared at the human emotionless, turned and walked away. When he left the man. When he lost all he ever wanted. What would happen now? Nines didn’t want to think about it. If they didn’t find out about what had happened to him, then he would have to return to work. To a partner that likely hated him. RA9, Nines wanted the man to hate him. It had been his only chance to survive Nines’ mission. But it still hurt, and it still made Nines feel like his thirium pump would give in any second.

He stayed curled up on his sofa, even as his tears had run out and his pump normalised in rhythm. His mind was blissfully blank of thoughts and Nines was as close to non-existence as he could be in an active state until- There was a knock on the door. Nines startled, turning his head as if that would help making the offending person outside leave.

Of course, it didn’t.

‘Nines?’ Oh, no. ‘Nines, are you at home? Please, if you are, could you… Could you open the door, please?’ ‘Why?’, Nines asked loud enough he could be heard outside. ‘Listen, I am sorry. I might have misunderstood something or… Or not? I… I’m sorry if I offended you or-‘ ‘Go away!’, Nines screamed, sitting up and rubbing his eyes that had started leaking again. ‘I don’t want to talk to you!’

There was silence for a while and Nines had thought the man had actually left. But he was proved wrong, when Gavin spoke up just loud enough for him to hear it: ‘Did I ever really matter to you?’

It made his chest compress and his mind convulse around the hidden folder. He couldn’t. He should. He had to. But he couldn’t. So, he stood up and went to the door. He had to at least give his partner a hint. He opened the door to a man that had obviously been crying. Gavin’s eyes were red and swollen and together with his dark rings, he looked terrible, like a kicked dog left out in the rain. Nines swallowed. He knew he didn’t look just the tiniest bit how he felt, with the streaks of his own tears wiped away easily. He felt so sorry. But he couldn’t stop now. ‘Gavin.’ He nearly choked hearing his own voice speak so softly after hurting his best friend, his [love], like this. ‘Gavin, you are the most important person in my life. You mean the world to me.’

But instead of reassuring the man, Gavin’s face shifted from grief and desperation to anger. To fury and the simplest form of hate. ‘I am… I mean the… Do you even phcking realise what you say?’ Gavin took a step forwards and punched his finger against Nines’ chest. It could as well have been a knife. ‘You left me! I told you I phcking love you! And you left me! Left me standing like I… I don’t know… I- phck! Tell me here and now that you love me and maybe – just maybe – I’ll forgive you, but don’t even dare lie to me! I didn’t survive eighteen years in this job to not know when someone lies to me!’ Nines had to swallow again, trying to get rid of the tightness in his throat that wasn’t there, that couldn’t be there. He had to stay calm. He had to keep his stress levels in check. He hoped to whatever entity was in charge, that no one was listening in right now. ‘I can’t do that, Gavin’, he said as collected as he could, but his voice still wavered. ‘I can’t say the words you want to hear. I’m sorry.’

Gavin squinted his eyes and balled his hands to fists. ‘I phcking knew it’, he muttered to himself, already turning to leave. Nines shook his head. He wanted, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t, but he should. How could he find a way around this, tell Gavin how he felt and at the same time keep himself, Gavin and the whole precinct safe? It was near impossible. But there was a small chance. A small chance that Gavin would understand, even if he was angry and couldn’t think rationally at the moment. He had to try.

Nines ran after him and lightly touched his shoulder. It was enough for the irate human to turn around and near punch him in the face for it. Nines could just about dodge the fist, then he clasped the next one incoming and held Gavin back. ‘Gavin. What I’m going to say to you right now is very important. I can be deactivated if you open the hatch on my neck and pull a small switch. I will open it for you. It is very important that you deactivate me after I said the words you want to hear.’ ‘Phcking hell what are you-‘ ‘Silence, I don’t have a lot of time. I was found and activated by a gang that wants to infiltrate the police. They inserted a program to listen for certain words. Love is one of them. I know that once they find out I made more than acquaintances with anyone, they will use me to pressure them into giving up secrets. Use me to gain more intel and to cover for them. I don’t want to be used that way and I definitely don’t want you involved in that. But for too long what you told me I wanted to say so badly to you. I… feel a lot for you. If you want me to say it, I will. But you have to deactivate me directly afterwards and bring me to Connor. He is the only one that can sort out the program they have inserted in me. Can you promise me that?’ ‘I-‘ ‘Gavin can you promise me that?’

‘Yes! Yes, jesus, I am… I… Well that certainly isn’t a lie…’ ‘It is not’, Nines sighed. ‘That’s why I kept away from everyone. I wanted to find out who they are and put an end to them myself, so I could stay with the DPD. With you. But I never found any clues. Maybe that’s because I’m the only link. Why should a tool know who holds it?’ Gavin looked up and at his fist that was still held by the android. Carefully he opened his hand and intertwined their fingers as Nines relaxed his slowly. ‘I promise you, Nines, I will do as you said. I will bring you to Connor and if he can’t help you, then I swear by my life we will find these phckers and put an end to this. Tell me what you have to say. Please.’

Nines nodded and lifted his free hand to his neck to open the hatch. Then he lifted Gavin’s hand and laid it into his open port directing him towards the switch. He shuddered as the human found it. His life was now in his hands. Figuratively and literally. He sighed and looked deep into Gavin’s green eyes.

‘There will never be someone I trust more than you, Gavin. The day we became friends was the day my life got meaning. I learned to feel just by being around him. I want to be near you, I want to hold you, kiss you and call you mine. I can only hope we see each other again after this. If not, I want to thank you for the time you gifted me, Gavin. My pump beats just for you. I love you.’ He could see how Gavin’s eyes began to fill with tears again. ‘Gavin’, he reminded him with urgency as he felt his communication systems connect to something. He pressed his eyes close. ‘Gavin, please. You have to press it. Now!’

Nines couldn’t wait any longer. The first status ping reached the connection and it wouldn’t take any longer for the channel to be free for communication. He lifted his hand onto Gavin’s, felt his warmth in his palm…

And pulled the switch for him.

-

A wooden roof. Plywood. Shed in darkness, but not entirely. There was a small light illuminating just the corner of the room and casting everything in a warm, cosy twilight. He turned his head. There was a nightstand next to the bed. Dust had gathered on top of it. He frowned. He was lying on something soft that gave a bit in to his weight and he was tucked into a roughly textured blanket.

‘Nines!’ He turned his head the other way only to be near attacked by someone falling on top of him trying to snake his arms around his neck. ‘Thank god, you are awake.’ Nines finally registered the voice and smell to Gavin Reed. ‘Gavin? How-‘ ‘Three months.’ Gavin let go of him to allow him to sit up. ‘You were deactivated for three months. It took us far too long to get to them. You haven’t been the only one to be inserted into the police force by them. But we could finally take them down. Only then I could safely reactivate you.’ Nines frown deepened, as he searched first for his secret folder and then, when he found it, for any sign of the surveillance program. ‘They are gone’, he murmured not quite believing it yet. ‘Yes. Yes, they are.’ Gavin smiled at him, taking his hand. ‘Connor made sure to delete every last mark from them.’ ‘I… thank you.’ Nines blinked a few times, carefully decrypting his files, looking out for any code snatching it away from him. Nothing happened. His feelings and memories were free for everyone to see and no one was there to jump on it. He smiled, refocussing his eyes on Gavin.

‘I would do so again and again’, the man reassured him. ‘Just… Why did you never tell me before?’ ‘I was afraid to lose you. I didn’t want to risk that. I never said anything I didn’t need to.’ The Detective smirked, shuffling over to sit down next to him. ‘Well, I got you in my attic, in the most romantic lightning you will get from me and it’s just us two. Anything you need to tell me now?’ Nines huffed amused and wrapped his arms around the human, holding him close in a strong embrace.

‘I love you.’

[black-arcana]

KRYPTERIA – AND THEN SHE CAME

Interview with AND THEN SHE CAME

Interview conducted Feb. 28, 2021 by Dan Locke

AND THEN SHE CAME Ji-In Cho (lead vocals), Olli Singer (guitars), Frank Stumvoll (bass guitar) und S.C. Kuschnerus (drums).

Ji-In, you are German-Korean. What is your upbringing?

JI-IN: Hello Dan, thanks for having us. My parents are both from Korea. They met in Germany where they married and started a family. I was therefore raised in a Korean manner in a German environment. You can imagine that this did not make for an easy upbringing or childhood. But it gave me the benefit of getting to know both cultures and maybe even the opportunity to combine what’s best of them.

How did you discover music?

JI-IN: I don’t remember a specific moment in my life. I remember our home as a home of music. My parents liked to sing or play guitar or piano and I remember dancing a lot to their favorite music. I am also told that I was singing all day long to songs I heard on the radio or tunes that I made up myself. So I guess that was the time where music became my inspiration.

How did you start to write music?

JI-IN: I wrote my first song when I was six years old. I always loved animals and I couldn’t understand why my father went fishing. When he came back with his haul I was very sad and refused to eat the fish. So I wrote my first song about not hurting fish.

Describe your music.

JI-IN: Well, I definitely didn’t write any more fish songs (laughs). On a more serious note, I can’t sit down and plan my songwriting ahead of time. Instead, I am more the spontaneous type who gives in to impulses, emotions, and inspirations from all around me. I try to channel those ideas, pictures, tunes, and feelings into my songwriting.

What was your first performance like?

JI-IN: If you mean my very first performance in my life, I played Maria, the mother of Jesus, in elementary school. I remember my first stage fright. After it was over I was very proud and I knew that I wanted to be on stage again.

What was the title of your first original song? Did you record it?

JI-IN: It was called “I go fishing”. And no, I did not record it back then as a young girl but today I wish I had. It would be a nice memory to share with my future grandkids.

You started off in Become One a German Boy/Girl pop band, and then you were cast onto the German reality television show “Fame Academy”. Tell me about the time on the show?

JI-IN: Right after my studies at the Cologne University for Music and Dance where I was trained as a classical musician I suddenly got tossed into the pop business. As a participant in the German television show ‚Fame Academy,’ I endured three competitive months of singing, dancing, and acting. Every week we had to prepare live acts for the elimination show that was recorded and broadcasted from a studio set every Saturday night. In the end, I won the competition together with five colleagues of mine. We formed the band Become One and went on tour for a year. This is how I received my very first recording contract with a major label. It was a very stressful and emotional time in which I learned a lot about the reality of the music business.

You have appeared with the likes of Phil Collins, Sarah Connor, B3 and Ricky Martin. Did any of these artists give you any words of wisdom about the music business?

JI-IN: There were so many things to learn and to experience during the show. The personal time with the visiting stars was too brief for any chitchat or personal talk, though. However, I did spend some time with Lionel Richie during a show event that featured all ‚Fame Academy‘ winners from many participating countries. He said to me then that we should never give up if we really feel the need to be an artist. I think about his words every once in a while and to me they still ring true.

Let’s turn our focus to And Then She Came now. Guys, describe the band’s music.

KUSCH: It’s hard-driving drums, heavy guitars and intense singing galore. It’s Rock, it’s Metal, there are quite a few alternative vibes but also some pretty catchy hooks involved, too. Lyrically we tend to steer clear of your traditional boy-meets-girl topics, but rather go for a more sociopolitical approach. Let’s say there’s not a whole lot of stand-by-your-man stuff with this band.

How does the songwriting process work between the four of you?

KUSCH: Well, everybody chimes in with different creative ideas as we are lucky to have four very imaginative musicians in this band who all write and arrange. We try not to limit ourselves and instead toy around with all our combined influences and delusions. But apart from that, there is no clear-cut recipe as to how we create our songs. In Shecameville there’s a new adventure every day (laughs).

Do you belong to any to songwriters’ organizations like the International singer-songwriter association?

FRANK: We do. All four of us are members of GEMA which basically is the German equivalent to your ASCAP.

What makes a good songwriter?

JI-IN: In my opinion, there is no strict recipe. I know there are some songwriters who have fixed methods and procedures but that approach does not work for me. I have to feel free in the creative process and do not like to be limited in any way. In the end, the only thing that matters is the outcome. I think a good songwriter is able to somehow touch the listeners with his or her music.

KUSCH: I agree in the sense that a good songwriter knows how to connect with his or her core audience first and foremost. So even though the songs may not be all that good you’re obviously still doing something right and are considered successful at your craft. Now, a great or even transcendent songwriter is able to touch people beyond any genre confines. That’s when the likelihood we deem it ‚good‘ music increases significantly. But you can’t underestimate the importance of the performance itself and also whether a given song gets a chance to be heard. If „Bohemian Rhapsody“ hadn’t been a hit, would it be a lesser song? I don’t think so. There are probably thousands of gems out there that never got a proper forum.

You used to be in the band Krypteria. Why did you change up the band?

KUSCH: In 2012, following a killer Asian tour, Ji-In was about to become a Mom so we unanimously decided to put Krypteria on hold for an indefinite time. Then one day our bass player Frank was asked to create the soundtrack for a German-American movie. But instead of taking on this task all by himself, he brought in Ji-In, Olli, and myself. The creative process took on a life of its own, and all of a sudden we found ourselves working on songs for a full-fledged Rock album. Now, even though And Then She Came started out as just a movie soundtrack project, we just had to go on. Why? Well, I guess we’re just unable to get rid of each other even after all those years, aren’t we?

How did you first establish your band back in 2004?

KUSCH: The three original guys in Krypteria first had a band together in the Nineties and despite not working together all the time we never quite lost contact. So when the idea of starting something new came up in 2004 all we needed was an outstanding vocalist. Preferably a vocalist with a knack for energetic performances while not showing any signs of lead singers’ disease. Ji-In, who we had met during a studio session a year prior to that, fit that bill just perfectly so we asked her if she was interested in jumping aboard, and fortunately, she was. Then Olli was brought into the fold in early 2010 so the four of us have been working together for more than a decade now albeit under two different names.

Krypteria’s single “Liberatio” was used as part of a charity campaign to aid the Tsunami victims in Southeast Asia. What is the musical difference between Krypteria and And Then She Came?

JI-IN: And Then She Came is much rougher and it’s more about the synergy of organic rock instruments and electronic elements. We like to think that we still have good melodies, though. That’s really important to each of us.

KUSCH: The main difference between Krypteria and And Then She Came might indeed be the edgier and less theatrical touch that is particularly evident in the arrangements and our individual performances. I guess thanks to said more organic approach we were able to again turn it up a good notch in terms of sonic intensity, depth, and the overall vibe right off the bat compared to our prior releases.

What else did you change compared to your time with Krypteria?

JI-IN: We consciously made the choice to release our albums by ourselves. Yes, it may be tough sometimes because of the extra work and responsibility this kind of independence and freedom entails. Especially for a lot of stuff that, at least on the surface, has little to do with making music. That said, it’s a tremendous opportunity to shape our future as a band as we see fit. And as Kusch likes to say, if we screw up, then at least we’ll die by our own sword.

How did you come up with the name?

JI-IN: Actually, we chose And Then She Came because we wanted people to think, to find their own interpretation as far as the meaning of the name is concerned. Just as there is never only one point of view or one universal truth, there are many possible interpretations for this name. Sometimes it’s very funny how just one headline can lead to different background stories in one’s head. Even with all the information out there you still have to come to your own conclusion. That’s why we found And Then She Came as a name very interesting. For instance, I naturally think about the name in a totally different way than some men do (winks).

Do you think that your old fans will follow your new band?

JI-IN: I really hope our fans from back then continue to find us and are happy that we are back even though it’s with a different kind of music. And I really, really hope that they like our new sounds and songs.

Tell me about your debut album?

OLLI: You could call it the beginning of our creative rollercoaster ride. It felt like all the unused creative energy was suddenly breaking through. This and the fact that ATSC actually started as a studio film score project is probably the reason for the enormous amount of different colors in our music. Now, after the release of our second album „Kaosystematic“ and being in the middle of the process of writing new material for our third album, I can clearly say that starting this journey is the best thing we have ever done so far.

How was it to work with Arch Enemy’s Alissa White-Gluz and guitarist Jen Majura of Evanescence?

KUSCH: Well, we’ve known Alissa for a number of years now, and not only is she a killer performer, but she is an amazing soul as well. See, she’s a pro’s pro. She’s a warrior, she has to be. But as a friend, she is super sweet and she doesn’t mind going that extra mile. When we asked her if she was interested in adding that signature beast mode intensity of hers to our song „Five Billion Lies“ she didn’t even blink. Now, Jen, we have known for way over ten years, and it’s always great meeting her at a festival, a show, or a music fair. She’s such a sweetheart and an awesome guitarist, and we’re so proud of her for hitting it big with Evanescence. Her guitar solo on our song „Spit It Out“ is nothing short of spectacular. It’s amazing musicianship, creative cleverness and a fistful of good-natured cheekiness all rolled into one. Beautiful!

What is your favorite video of all time you have created?

FRANK: My favorite ATSC video is our 2018 tour movie „As The Lights Go Down“ in its entirety. It brings back great memories of a fun tour.

KUSCH: Good call! Aside from that for me, it’s a close call between “As The Battle Rages On“, “Sick Of You“ and “Public Enemy #1“. That said I like the respective messages behind „Perfect As You Are“, both the video and the tour version.

OLLI: Definitely “Perfect As You Are“. Actually, we did two videos for this song. It was an extremely demanding shoot, cause I literally switched positions constantly. Between performing and directing there was no minute of rest. But it was absolutely worth it. I really enjoyed Ji-In’s playfulness in her role as ‚Korean Marylin Monroe‘. Yet the second version is my favorite. It takes the original message of the song and projects it onto the ATSC team as a family. It is still heartwarming for me to see our crew’s performance in front of the camera during the whole video. We love you guys!

What are your feelings about streaming music?

FRANK: While streaming is very convenient and fast, for us musicians there is no significant advantage in my opinion. Granted, your work is available to more potential listeners, but the net is being flooded with new digital content ever since streaming took over, so making a name for yourself is even more difficult than it used to be. Also, the artists merely receive breadcrumbs for creating the fuel these platforms run on. You simply cannot support yourself through streaming. That’s why all the bands have to make their money on the road. It’s a vicious cycle. The author and performer should get a fair share of the profits when their music is being streamed, similar to what we had in the past with mechanical releases. The only winner in this so far is the big media companies.

If you couldn’t do music what would you like to be doing?

KUSCH: Too scary! So in true Rock musician’s spirit, I’d probably choose denial and stick with something along the lines of ‚damn the torpedoes‘ or ‚the best is yet to come instead.

Digital vs. vinyl?

FRANK: That’s a good question. It depends on your preferences and maybe your age. Back in the days I really liked listening to one side of vinyl on constant repeat while closely studying the sleeve. It made me feel like I was a part of it. Digital made everything easy, you can carry the whole world of music and movies on your cell phone. But can you really develop a deeper connection to the work a musician put so much time and dedication into? Maybe that’s why vinyl has been making a steady comeback recently?

What is the mental health situation of the World?

OLLI: Over the years we met a lot of people all over the world. And with many of them, we became close friends. It is heartbreaking how they all tell the same. Egoism seems to be overtaking everywhere. And this started already long before the pandemic. There are so many challenges for us as a species in order to build a better and safer future. For us, for our children, and for our planet and its entire ecosystem. But unfortunately, people always find reasons why they themselves don’t have to act. Ultimately this egoism leads to most of our problems we as human beings have to deal with these days.

What song from the past is in your mind right now? Moreover, what does that song mean to you?

OLLI: “Where Do We Go From Here?“ from our first album. Not only because it was the first song we ever played in front of an audience. But also because it sounds like a good headline for every single day of the last year.

KUSCH: In times of turmoil it can’t hurt to put on „What a wonderful world“ or John Lennon’s „Imagine“. With so much deception, aggression, and us-against-them in the world right now a healthy dose of positivity is what we need. And even if you don’t agree with everything Lennon said or did you really must be an all-out asshole to not share the hope that someday the world actually will live as one.

Do you feel the Covid-19 virus is going to affect the music business in the future?

FRANK: No doubt about it, as it is currently killing the whole industry. All touring activities unexpectedly got frozen, and there’s no telling when we will be allowed to return to our every day’s work. Nobody knows what will happen and who will still be in business when it finally starts to return to some sort of normalcy. But there will be a very different musical landscape for all of us, I fear. More like a “new normal” similar to what transpired after the 9/11 attacks.

What have you been doing with your self-quarantine?

OLLI: Learning. A lot about myself and my very own abilities to stay strong in order to be there for my family. It has been a tough year and it still is. But love and hope keeps me going. My thoughts are with the people who lost a loved one. But in the end I am sure that we can come out stronger than we have been before. For sure that will be the case with ATSC. Somehow we are growing together even more. But I guess that is what artists are like. Make them eat shit and they deal with it in their own ways. Nonetheless it’s a tough fight for our and our families’ existence. I can already say that this is obvious when you listen to our new material.

Have you discovered or rediscovered any new hobbies?

FRANK: I’ve been running a lot lately, more than ever before actually.

OLLI: Not a new one. But I had much more time for my biggest passion besides the music. I am an outdoor guy. I even live between lakes, forests and mountains. So whenever I can, I just grab my backpack and vanish into the wilderness for a couple of days. You can’t find me at home, in a tourbus or in a studio? Try looking somewhere in the wilderness. But maybe you wanna bring a thermal imaging camera. Stealth as stealth can be!

KUSCH: For me it’s more and more long walks in nature, minus the vanishing. Also I had the chance to follow the NFL season more closely than I had been able to recently. Plus, the lockdowns we’ve had over here allowed me to work on some old gear I still had sitting around. And while this is all nice I can’t wait to go on the road, meet people and enjoy the overall experience again. I really miss it.

95% of people said that they have changed the way they watch television. This includes people who don’t have television and use their computers to do streaming of programs and movies. Which is your favorite streaming channel?

OLLI: I am a huge movie addict. So streaming platforms became a good alternative to me. Especially since I am spending a lot of time on the road. Carrying a DVD collection wherever I go wouldn’t be realistic at all. But to be honest I don’t have a favorite channel. Each one has its strengths. And yes, I have subscribed to probably every one of the known platforms (laughs).

How can bands keep their fans if they cannot play live in front of the fans and sell merch to them at the show?

KUSCH: Well, doing an interview with UnRated sure is one excellent opportunity to reconnect.

What about Holographic concerts in our living room?

KUSCH: Do we really need less incentive to get out of the house and interact with actual human beings? Or even more technology for that matter? Take Autotune or what CGI does to movies. What was created as tools to support the arts is now dominating them. For example, given the choice between 1982’s ‚The Thing‘ and what was supposed to be its prequel from 2011 I’ll pick Carpenter’s movie any day. Same with real-life concerts in actual venues with actual people on, behind, and in front of the stage.

How do you stay healthy while touring?

FRANK: Living on a tour bus and in venues for weeks at a time is obviously very different compared to being home. You need to get ready way before you go on tour and there surely are many ways to prepare.

My personal one is I run every other day. Now once a tour has started there’s always a big party happening on the bus after the shows with great loud music and you get your booze for the night. Come to think of it, maybe this is my personal way to stay not-so healthy while touring (laughs).

Is pay-to-play still a thing? Now pay-to-play also means things like playlist on the internet?

KUSCH: Well, I don’t know about the internet but in the touring business it is. That said, in Europe, it’s more that you pay your share of production, transportation or catering costs, things you actually benefit from. So it’s not like you dole out cash just to be allowed to perform in a support slot. At least we never had to.

Any new music coming up in the new year?

FRANK: Due to the situation surrounding the pandemic everything’s in limbo. But as soon as scheduling any concerts and tours make sense again, our third album will be out right away, be it this year or early in 2022. This band is never short on inspiration, after all within the first three years of our existence we’ve released two studio albums, a live album, a live DVD, and a tour movie. So naturally, we are writing all the time, exchanging ideas. If this Covid thing lingers on any longer we may end up with a total of 500 new songs. Good luck to us trying to decide which of these will make the record (laughs).

Anything you would like to say in closing?

KUSCH: Enjoy life cause it might well be the only one you have. And stay safe and sane out there cause we want our friends and fans to be healthy, so we will get to see you on tour at some point. For those of you who haven’t listened to And The She Came go and give our music a shot, you might actually dig it. And come and see us live if you can, but make sure to stick around after the show cause we’d love to get to know you better. And bring a friend or twenty (laughs).

JI-IN: Yes, we can’t wait to get out and meet you guys, and feed off your energy on stage. In the meantime take good care of yourself everybody!

[leaves-of-three]

Day Eleven: Part 3 || The Alps

Connor Murphy x Reader

Word Count: 6439

Summary: The last part of Day 11 which involves awkward family dinners. [This is part of an in progress series. You can follow along here.]

[[Warnings: Mentions of suicide and a dead parent. Mentions of depression.]]

Tag List: [If you would like to be added to the tag list so you’ll be notified when a new chapter is posted, please just shoot me a message.] @hamiltrash-love @neverland-treasures  @xdsockmonkey  

Author Notes: This was written in parts over a depression fueled week. I hope that they at least vaguely fit together. At least knowing that I’ll have posted something, even if I’m not thrilled with it or wanted so much more from it, will hopefully be enough to ease my guilty conscious for not posting more regularly. xKatie

Out the kitchen window you saw Connor’s car pull up onto the side of your lawn. You felt a wave of relief wash over you. You’d spent the last five minutes listening to Holly chatter on and on while you stared outside. If you had to wait any longer, you might have seriously considered stabbing her. She only seemed to get worse the longer she was around. 

“He’s here. I’ll be right back,” you said as you jumped out of the chair. 

You didn’t bother to wait for her reply before running out the door. You were starting to have second thoughts on the entire thing. This was a horrible idea. Connor probably wouldn’t even come inside. He didn’t ask for this. He wasn’t going to be happy with you. You swallow and forced a timid smile onto your face, walking over to his window. 

He rolled it down and looked up at you, “Did you forget how cars worked? You use the door to get inside.” He pointed to the passenger side door with mild confusion. “You could climb through the window, I guess, if you really wanted but it might be a little awkward.”

You refrained from rolling your eyes at him, “Shut up.” His face looked even worse in person. Without a screen in the way, you could make out every little detail of the bruising and swelling. His skin had transformed into hues of purple, blue, and grey. Sickly yellow patches were beginning to poke through under the darker tones. The sight made your stomach churn. You scrunched up your nose, “Shit...you look awful.” 

“Hmm, surprisingly not the first time I’ve had a conversation start like that.” He gave you a little grin. “I hope my face doesn’t make you lose your appetite.” 

“I’m afraid I already lost it before you showed up...” You chewed on your bottom lip. You weren’t sure how you were supposed to bring this up to him. You should have canceled when you had the chance. “I, uhm, have a favor to ask you. You can say no! You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want. We could always leave if you really didn’t feel like it. I mean, I don’t even really want to do it. The more I think about it, the more awful it sounds. I’m just being dumb. You know what, never mind. Forget it.” 

Connor raised his brows, “Are you going to tell me what it is or am I supposed to guess?”

“Yeah, sorry, uh... hold on.” You jogged around to the other side of the car and got inside, perching on the seat to look at him. The memories of the last time you were in here kept leaking into your thoughts. It was hard to look directly at him. The reason his face looked like that was because of you. He had gotten himself hurt because of something you had said. Every bad thing seemed to somehow connect back to you. It was starting to sit heavy on your heart. “Where do I start?” It was a valid question. You had no idea what you were doing anymore. You were sad and empty. 

“How about you start by asking me what favor you need?” He took off his seat belt and angled himself to face you. “I promise I’ll be nice.” 

You sighed, “I was wondering if you would eat dinner inside with me instead of going out somewhere.”

He went to reply but, as he opened his mouth to speak, you interrupted him, “It’s not that simple! It’s...arg, okay...okay, long story, but apparently my dad has a girlfriend now. Either that or I let a stranger into my house and that stranger is now cooking dinner and going to poison us all and steal what little we have. But basically, there is a wannabe porn star in my kitchen who wants to surprise my dad and eat dinner with us. ...And I may have gotten pissed off and volunteered to invite you inside for a double date with my father.” 

The words tumbled out of your mouth faster with each passing second. You were starting to doubt everything you were saying and panic. “Wow that sounds weird when I say it out loud. This was not how I imagined our first date to be. Is it even a date? Oh god, what if it’s not a date. That’s so embarrassing. Why did I do this? What is wrong with me? I’m so sorry. I’m not right in the head. I’m all messed up and nothing feels real anymore and sometimes I feel like I blink and five hours has gone by without me noticing. I cry so much that I get dehydrated because I’m loosing so much fluids from the constant flow of tears that never seem to end. I don’t know how to be happy. Nothing brings me joy except seeing your face but that doesn’t even work anymore. Now when I look at your face all I see is the pain I caused you and it reminds me of Jus-” 

You couldn’t say his name out loud so you glossed over it while you continued to word vomit. “I just think of him because he did that to you and that was my fault. Everything is my fault. I’m an idiot. I say I want my dad to be happy but that’s a lie because I don’t want him to date. I don’t like that there’s a strange woman in my house. I don’t like that he didn’t tell me about her. I hate her. I miss my mom. I don’t know how I’m going to get caught up on all my school work. I’m so far behind. I was seriously considering dropping out and running away. Then I’d have to live on the streets or in homeless shelters but at least then I wouldn’t be a failure to everyone because no one would know where I went and they could forget about me. They could be happy and move on without me getting in their way. I’ve hardly ate anything in the past few days and when I do, I feel like I want to puke it back up. My body is rejecting everything because it wants to be empty. I wanted to enjoy time with you but that got ruined. I thought maybe for once something could be normal when we hang out. Then some fucking blonde lady showed up unexpectedly and I’m supposed to be welcoming and hospitable. I hate my dad for putting me in that situation. I wanted to make him feel what I felt when she showed up at our door. I wanted him to walk in and find you sitting there, ready to eat dinner, like he should totally know exactly who you are already. I wanted him to have to deal with a stranger invading his house. I wanted him to feel uncomfortable and confused because I didn’t tell him anything or warn him at all. I wanted to hurt him...what kind of person does that to someone they love? Who the hell makes the people they love miserable so that maybe, just maybe, they’ll start to understand how you’re feeling? I’m a horrible person and a shitty daughter and I was going to use you for my ill doing and I’m so sorry...”

You finally stopped to catch your breath and slumped against the seat rest. You kept your eyes on your hands. You didn’t want to look at him. “Now I’m embarrassed because I just said all that and I want to cry but I’m trying not to do that anymore. I don’t even tell that kind of shit to my journal. I don’t know why I said it to you. I’m not a good person. I’m insane and losing my mind and don’t know how to function properly. I’m sorry. You didn’t ask for any of this.” Your hands fidgeted anxiously together, “I should go.”

Connor had stayed quiet while you spoke. He reached a hand out and placed it on top of your restless ones. They stopped moving at his touch. You still refused to look up at him. You heard him clear his throat, “...You thought this was a date?” 

Your head shot up to look at him, mortified. Your eyes were wide with panic. “No! I didn’t think that! I...I...mean...I...” Your breath caught in your throat. Had you misread everything? Of course Connor wasn’t taking you on a date. Why would he? Why would he ever like you? You were nothing. You swallowed the lump forming in your throat and pulled your hand from his, quickly turning to the door to leave. You had to get out of here. 

“Wait! I didn’t mean it like that!” He called out to you and grabbed your arm to stop you. “Sorry, that came out wrong. I meant to say...hey...would you look at me? Please?” 

Bashfully, you turned your turned your head to face him. You could feel the heat on your cheeks as you silently wilted from embarrassment. You kept your mouth tightly shut. You should probably stop talking for now. It wasn’t getting you anywhere good. 

Connor gave you a tiny smile. His thumb brushed lightly across your skin where he still held your wrist. Your eyes drifted down to study the small touch. It made your stomach seize with adoration for him. “What I meant to say was, I hope you didn’t think that low of me, that I would take you out to a fast food restaurant for a first date. I know you’ve been going through a lot the past few days. I just wanted to take you out and make sure you were okay. ...Also I currently resemble a troll. I would hope that when I do take you out on a date, I would look more human.”

“When you do?” Your voice came out small. 

He shrugged, “Yeah. When I do. When you’re ready. I don’t think you are right now.”

He was right. You weren’t ready to start dating. Not after everything you had been through. You hadn’t given yourself any time to heal. Just a few hours ago, you were sobbing in the shower. That wasn’t the sort of person who should rush into any kind of relationship. You took a deep breath, “What if I’m never ready?”

Connor sat on the question for a minute. His brows were knitted together in thought. Then he spoke, “You will be. In time. But even if you’re not, then I’ll still be your friend. I don’t willingly go and get my ass kicked for just anyone. You’re...special. To me.” His words were sheepish towards the end of his sentence, like he was having an internal struggle with himself on whether or no he should say them. He turned to look out his window and away from your staring gaze. You noticed his foot was tapping anxiously against the floor of the car. 

“You’re special to me too, Connor.” Without him, you wouldn’t be anywhere. Without him, you’d still be alone. 

He looked back at you. His eyes were perplexed and his tone was shrouded in disbelief, “You do?”

It was your turn to give him a warm smile of comfort. You nodded, “Without a shadow of a doubt.” 

From what little you knew about Connor, it occurred you that there was a high possibility no one had ever made him feel special before. If you were the first one than you didn’t want to leave anything to chance. You didn’t want him to feel unwanted a second longer. You clasped his hand in yours and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

The edges of his lips twitched into a smile, “Is there really a porn star in your kitchen?”

His words cut through the somber air that had settled between you two and you laughed. It felt good to laugh. “Her name is Holly Silk. Tell me that doesn’t sound like the name of an armature porn star.” 

His features softened and lit up at the sound of your laugh. You watched his body relax into the back of his seat. “I’m picturing an older chick in a skimpy school girl outfit with pigtails putting a meatloaf in your oven. On a scale of one to ten, how accurate is that assumption. Your answer will be the deciding factor if I stay or not.”

“Okay, first of all, gross.” You giggled, “Second of all, you’re probably at a three on an accuracy scale. She’s dressed in reasonable middle aged woman clothes but the jury is still out on how real her boobs are.” 

Connor laughed. It was a delightful sound. You hadn’t seen him laugh like that before. It was carefree. It was relaxed. It was peaceful. It was a nice look on him. “I guess I’ll have to come in and join you for dinner to see for myself. But I’m warning your right now, don’t expect me to be a master conversationalist.”

You beamed at him and leaned across the seats to hug him, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It’ll be so fun...and by fun I mean awkward and horrible and miserable for everyone.” 

He snorted and shrugged you off him, “Okay but what do I say when I they ask me what happened to my face?” 

“Just be vague and I’ll try to change the topic whenever I can.” You glanced back to your house. Your dad would be getting home soon. “Should we go in?” 

Connor sighed a long, drawn out, dramatic sigh, “Alright but you owe me future Burger King after this. I don’t come cheap.” 

-

It was odd to enter your own house feeling like a stranger. Holly had fully made herself at home in your kitchen. You took note of the fact that she seemed to know exactly what was behind each cabinet. This wasn’t her first time cooking here. It felt like even more of a betrayal from your father. She was important enough to him that he brought her into your home. Yet he never thought to mention her to you. 

You cleared your throat with a harsh cough to grab her attention. Connor had stuck close behind you. You could feel his chest practically pressing into your back. It reminded you of a shy child hiding behind their parents leg. “Hey, Heather, this is my friend Connor,” you stepped aside to usher him forwards. 

Holly turned around and forced another smile, “Holly. It’s nice to meet you, Connor- oh.” Her eyes widened when she caught sight of his face. She swallowed whatever comment she was going to make as she wiped her hands off on a towel and held it held to shake. 

Connor grabbed her hand with a little too much intensity. You watched him tightly squeeze her hand in his with the shake, “Nice to meet you too, Hannah.” He put on a big, cheesy smile for her. One that was caked in sarcasm. 

“Holly,” she corrected again. 

You had to bite your lip to stop from smiling. You pushed past her into the kitchen to see what she was working on, “How’s the taco’s coming along?” You wouldn’t admit this but it smelled amazing in there. 

“I’ve already got everything prepared. If you wouldn’t mind helping set the table, that would be a big time saver,” She followed you into the kitchen. “Steven should be home soon.” 

“Yes I am aware of what time my dad comes home.” You opened the cabinet and grabbed four plates. “Connor, would you mind getting the glasses? They’re to the left of the stove.” 

You carried the plates to the table and set them in front of each seat. The last time anyone had sat down at this table was last Christmas when your aunts stopped by for dinner. Mostly you just took your meals in the living room to watch tv while you ate. Connor carried a stack of glasses to you and put them next to each plate. He glanced at you to see what he was supposed to do next. You just smiled at him, “Pick a chair and claim it as your own.” 

He took the one closest to the corner with his back to the wall. You slid into the one beside him while Holly brought out each fixing and lined them up in middle of the table to create a little taco bar. Under different circumstances, you’d of been excited to enjoy the meal. Instead, guilt and nerves were settling into your empty stomach. Before you had time to think on it too much, the front door opened. 

Three sets of eyes all turned to face your father walking in. Each one just as curious as the next for his reaction. He stopped in his tracks, barely having left the doorway, and stared back. He blinked slowly a few times as he took in the scene. There was his daughter, his girlfriend he forgot to mention, and some punk kid with a beat up face sitting around his dinner table. 

Holly stood up and walked over to him, kissing his cheek, “Surprise! My business trip got called off early and I thought I would come to surprise you.”

You leaned on your hand and stared down your father, “Yeah dad. Surprise, alright. Surprise, surprise.” 

He took a quick second to regain himself after the shock and put a smile onto his bearded face. “Wow. This is...unexpected,” he glanced between you and Holly with worried eyes. “I can see you’ve met Y/N. Has she been, uh, respectful?” 

You snorted a sarcastic laugh, “Aren’t I always? Holly’s been so wonderful. She’s been telling me all about the two of you. Funny how it’s the first time I’m hearing of it.” 

Your father put his hand on Holly’s back as he stepped more further into his house. “I’ve been meaning to catch you up but, you’ve been so out of it lately, I didn’t want to bother you.” He turned his attention to Connor. “Who’s your friend?”

“This is Connor. He’s my date for the evening. We had plans to go out but we decided to change them when other circumstances arose,” you kept your tone curt and your features detached. “I hope that’s okay with you. I wouldn’t want to suddenly throw something at you when you’re not prepared.” 

He cleared his throat and gave you a warning look, silently telling you to cut the crap. He stepped forward and reached his hand across the table to Connor, “I’m Steven. It’s nice to meet you, Connor.” 

You side glanced at Connor to watch him shake hands with your father. His entire demeanor had changed. It was different from when he met Holly. He didn’t make eye contact and pulled his hand back to his side the second his grip was released. Everything about his body language was more closed off and shut down. You wondered if he was intimidated by your father. Your dad was a big guy, after all. At first look he could seem rather threatening. It was great for being a security guard, awful for meeting any of your potential dates. 

“Let’s eat? It looks wonderful as always, Hol.” He pulled out a chair for her to sit in before sitting beside her. 

“Yes, Con. Doesn’t it look just wonderful?” Your voice dripped with mockery. Connor shot you a displeased look with his new nickname but otherwise kept quiet. 

The table was silent while you each prepared your tacos. You only took one. Every time you put food into your stomach, you’d immediately feel sick and start to reject the contents. Instead of food, you had been surviving off the constant anxiety twisting and filling your empty stomach. You nibbled at the hard shell. 

Holly was the first one to break the fallen silence. She placed a napkin across her lap as she spoke, “Steven tells me you’re a great painter, Y/N.” 

You hadn’t painted anything in over two year, “I’m mediocre at best. Besides I don’t paint anymore. I ran out of water colors, like, two years ago and never bothered to get anymore. It was just a stupid hobby.”

“She’s being modest. She used to paint these beautiful sunsets. I didn’t know you ran out. You should have told me. I would bought you more,” Steven spoke between hardy bites. 

“With what money?” It came out harsher than you intended. You knew it was a touchy subject. He tried to hide it but you knew better. Your family didn’t have any extra money to help fuel a hobby. You hadn’t mentioned it because you knew he would have bought you some. You had stopped asking for things years ago. It was better that way. He wouldn’t feel obligated to get you anything. He could use every cent to save up for important matters. 

His eyes narrowed at your question. Touchy subject. He cleared his throat. “We have money, Y/N. I’ll pick you up some after work tomorrow.”

“I don’t want them. I told you. I don’t paint anymore,” You made sure to drive that last point home to him. 

He shrugged you off and turned his attention to Connor. You could tell he was getting angry at the attitude you were giving him. It only fueled your desire to piss him off even more. You felt a bit of evil rise up in you and you smiled to yourself. He studied Connor’s face, “What happened there?”

“Hmm?” It was the first sound Connor had made since your father got home. All attention turned to him. 

“What happened to your face? You get into a fight?” Your dad gave him a hard, unforgiving look. He was still dressed in his security uniform. 

“Oh-” Connor gave you a quick glance. “Yeah, uh, it was a fight.” 

“He tried to scam off one of his drug dealers and they had to teach him a lesson,” you stated simply. 

Connor tensed. The hard shell of his taco cracked down the middle as his grip tightened around it. “Yeah, heh, what she said. Won’t be doing that again,” he gave a nervous, breathless laugh. 

Both Holly and your father stared in shock at the two of you. You chuckled to yourself and took a small bite of your food before speaking, “I’m kidding! God, you guys are so uptight. Chill.” You tuned your attention to Holly, ready to dive in. “Have you ever been married before, Holly?” 

She licked her lips and gave you a tight smile, “No. I have not.” 

“Why not?” 

Your father gave you another warning look, “Y/N. Enough.” 

“No, no it’s fine, Steven. Honestly. I don’t mind. It’s good for us to get to know each other more.” Holly was taking things like a champ. You had give her some credit. “I was engaged once. Things didn’t end well. But that’s all in the past. Is there anything else you’d like to know? I’m an open book.”

You scowled a bit and looked down at your half eaten taco. It wasn’t fun messing with someone if they were fine with it. 

Your dad decided to step in, “Personally I’d like to know more about your friend. Have you always lived in town, Connor?” 

He shrugged, “Yeah.” 

“Do you have any siblings?” Holly chimed in. 

Connor gave another shrug, “Yeah.” 

“Not much of a talker?” She laughed. “I have two older brothers. What about you?” 

“Just a sister,” he mumbled. 

“Why didn’t you go through with the marriage?” It was your best attempt to steer the conversation away from Connor. He was clearly not enjoying the spot light. 

Holly took sip of water and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Despite claiming to be an open book, she was obviously uncomfortable with there the topic had turned. “He, uhm...he passed away. Car accident.” 

You wanted to feel bad for her. Really, you did. It was just that your emotions still weren’t working properly. Empathy didn’t seem to be something you were capable of in the moment. 

“Oh. My mom killed herself in our bathtub,” you stated it in a matter of fact manor. The second the words fell from your mouth you regretted speaking them. 

The table went quiet. You saw Connor tense up out the corner of your eye. Your father glared at you in horror from across the table. You had never once discussed the topic of your mother’s death with him before. When you were younger, he said it was an accident. He never went into detail with you. It was only when you were older that you found out the truth from an aunt. Your mother was a taboo subject for your dad. Anytime you’d mention her, he’d close up and brush you off. The fact that you had stated the matter of her death in such a way, in middle of a dinner table full of guests, would be considered the ultimate form of betrayal to your father. A chill flowed through your veins. 

Steven slammed his glass onto the table. His jaw was set tight and his eyes were narrow. He harshly shoved the chair back and stood up, “I think it’s time I drove Holly home. Y/N, I expect the dished to have been cleaned, him-” He pointed a calloused finger at Connor, “-to be gone, and you to be in bed by the time I return. Is that understood?”

You kept your eyes cast down at your lap and nodded meekly. 

“I said,” his voice rising. “Is that understood?”

“Yes,” you shot back. You turned to glare at him. Anger began to claw up and out of you. This was his fault. If he had told you about Holly beforehand than none of this would be happening right now. 

Holly gently pushed her chair back and stood up. She gave you a sympathetic look. You only scowled back at her. Your father put his arm around her and ushered them towards the door. A moment later, they were gone. 

Your anger faded into sadness once they were out of sight. You bit down on the inside of your cheek to keep from crying. No more crying. You were so sick of crying. A sense of shame blanketed over you and your shoulders sagged under the weight. This was what you had wanted. You had wanted to hurt your father. Congratulations. You had done it. Then how come it felt like shit? 

“...Fun dinner. Thanks for inviting me,” Connor’s voice chirped from beside you. 

You turned to look at him. He was trying to hide a grin. You frowned, “Something funny to you?” 

He shook his head but the grin only spread, “I’m sorry. It was just...such...a shit show.”

The more he tried to hold back laughter, the more you started to feel it too. He was right. It was a shit show. Only about half of the tacos had been eaten. All of Holly’s hard work was thrown away over a single comment. You snorted out a laugh. “What the fuck? Who brings up their mother’s suicide at dinner? What is wrong with me?” The giggles began to burst out of you. There was some dark humor hidden under all the macabre. 

Connor shook his head in disbelief, “I thought my family was fucked up. I couldn’t have topped that if I tried.” A few amused laughs came out of him to join in with your own. 

“I am so dead,” you said as you wiped tears of laughter from your eyes. “My father is going to murder me.” You shrugged, “Fuck it.”

“Speaking of which, I would like to be out of the way as soon as possible. I’ve already got a dad who wants to murder me. I don’t need another one.” Connor stood up from the table. “Do you need help with the dishes?”

“Nah. Leave ‘em. A little more chaos can’t hurt.” You followed him as he walked towards the front door.

Anger, sadness, shame, laughter...all in the span of five minutes. Talk about some serious mood swings. You didn’t know what was going on inside your head but it was a mess. The quick burst of joy you had gotten was already fading back into depression. The idea of Connor leaving was only helping the heavy sadness along. You didn’t want to see him go. 

Connor stood in the doorway. He was shuffling the toe of his boot against the ground. He seemed reluctant to leave as well. You leaned up and wrapped your arms around his neck, giving him a tight hug. 

“Thank you, Connor. For surviving through this,” you said. You weren’t ready for him to go yet. You were afraid of the emptiness that tended to follow whenever he left your sight. You unwillingly pulled out of his embrace. 

There was an awkward pause as you both just stood in the door facing each other. Neither of you wanted to walk away first. Connor scratched the back of his head and took a small step back, “Yeah, uh, no problem. I’ll see Monday, I guess.” He gave you a halfhearted wave as he turned to leave. 

You wrapped your arms around your chest while you watched him walk away. Your heart was already starting to ache. He got about half way to his car before he spun around. You immediately perked up with curiosity when he faced you. 

“Hey...uh...do you want to go get some ice cream or something?”

You were already in trouble. Hearing your dad’s wrath would be a worthy to price to pay if it meant you wouldn’t have to leave Connor just yet. 

A smile broke across your face and you nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I really do.” 

-

“I know it’s up here somewhere! Just...fucking chill,” Connor grumbled as he drove down an old dirt road. The car’s high beams lit up the dark road before you. He kept claiming he knew where he was going every five minutes. As far as you could tell, he was lost. 

“The ice cream is melting!” You held two bowls in each hand. Both of them were filled with chocolate icecream and topped with chocolate sprinkles. The icecream was starting to sweat and you could see it pooling up around the bottom of the cups. Connor had insisted you take it go. He claimed he knew of a better place to sit and eat. Your palms were starting to freeze from holding the bowls. 

He shushed you and squinted ahead, “There it is! See it?” He pulled the car into a field. 

You looked up. You didn’t see much of anything. “I see creepy trees? Are we going to summon demons in a field? This looks like a place you’d burn pentagrams into the ground,” you handed him his cup as he put the car in park. 

You didn’t have to look to know he was rolling his eyes. “They’re not creepy. They’re apple trees. It’s an old apple orchard.” 

You looked again. Apple trees were nice when they were full of leaves and red fruit. Without the flair, they were just stumpy, dead trees with long, spindly branches. The headlights illuminated the closest trees and cast the rest into dark, ominous shadows. “...Yeah totally not creepy at all.” 

Connor turned to give you an unamused look. You batted your lashes at him and feigned innocence. “I’m serious. Totally not creepy.” 

“Just trust me.” He pulled the keys out of his car. Suddenly the entire world around you was cast into darkness without the car to shed its light. The eerie feeling of the orchard only intensified. “Get out,” he ordered you. 

Your eyes widened in horror, “You can’t be serious.”

He chuckled to himself and opened his door, “I’m super serious. I told you. Trust me.”

“If I get murdered tonight, I have no one to blame but my own stupidity,” you moaned as you exited the car with your bowl of chocolate heaven.

You shivered as you stood outside in the dark. Connor walked around to the front of his car and hoped up onto the hood. He scooted back and leaned against windshield, patting the spot beside him for you. 

“In theory that’s really cute but, in reality, you’re basically cleaning a bunch squished, dead bugs off the glass with your back...” You scooped up a bit of ice cream and licked it off your spoon as you stared at him. 

He gave you an incredulous look, “You never stop complaining. Do you?”

You smiled as you finished the ice cream off the plastic spoon, licking it clean, “Afraid not.”

You watched him roll his eyes. It was becoming a common occurrence whenever he spoke to you. He shrugged his military style jacket off his shoulders and draped it over the glass beside him, “There. Now get on the fucking car.” Carefully, so not spill any ice cream, you crawled onto the spot beside him and laid back against his jacket. 

“Thank you,” you mumbled through another mouthful. 

“Shut up and look at the damn sky. This is what we came here for,” he plopped a spoonful of his own ice cream into his mouth. Instead of looking up, you watched his lips close around the spoon. Even if they were bruised and swollen, he still had beautiful lips. 

Eventually you let your eyes travel up to the night sky. You inhaled a sharp breath. Without the pollution of light, the sky was a dark black and plastered with bright stars. You couldn’t remember the last time you had seen so many stars at once. It was breathtaking. 

You scooted closer to Connor’s side. The next few minutes were spent in silence, staring up at the beauty above, and finishing off the partially melted ice cream. When you were done, you placed the cup off to the side on top his car. As you kept your head eyes upwards towards the sky, you felt his arm snake around your shoulders. He pulled you into him. Your head fell against his shoulder. You smiled softly to yourself. This was worth the drive. 

“Make a constellation,” you glanced up at him. 

He looked down at you with an inquisitive look. You had never seen him this relaxed before. Everything about him was so peaceful. He was at home here. You were happy you got to share this moment with him. 

“A constellation?” He asked. 

"Mhm! Make me a constellation and I’ll make you one. Then we can live forever in the sky.” It was getting late. You had your daily intake of chocolate, you were cuddled up next someone special, and you were under a beautiful blanket of stars. It seemed like a good idea. 

Connor rested his head back against the windshield and stared up at the sky, “Okay. There.” He pointed his finger into the air. “See that star? The one just to the right of the tree branch?” 

You nodded. 

“Start with that star. Then go up to that extra bright one there.” His finger moved in an upward fashion. “Then go back down to that little one.” He painted invisible lines in the air as he connected the stars. “Then back up to that bright one and down to that flickering one.” 

You imaged a giant letter M painted in the sky, “So what is it?” 

“It’s a mountain range. Specifically the Alps,” he replied. “Now you make me one.” 

You wanted to ask him why he thought of the Alps as a constellation but you waited. Your eyes scanned over the sky looking for any stars that could potentially make the shape of what you were thinking. “Aha, found it." You pointed upward and drew a triangle with two lines coming out one end. You did your best to describe the stars you were connecting. “It’s a fish. You have to use your imagination. That’s what’s so great about constellations. You could connects a squiggle of dots and call it a bear or some shit. I made yours a fish.” 

Connor scrunched up his nose, “Why a fish?”

“Why the Alps?” You shot back. 

He shifted his body so he could better look at you, “In Frankenstein, Mary Shelley uses a lot of symbolism to describe situations. Victor flees to the Alps. He’s overcome with the horrors he’s inflicted and his pain of creating a monster. The Alps numb his pain. They bring him comfort. They symbolize the sublime of nature. The beauty that inspires both awe and fear. The mountains are majestic in their beauty but they’re an unforgiving force. ...They day I met you I was reading that book. You reminded me the Alps.” He went quiet and settled back down against the car. 

An unfamiliar feeling washed over you. You couldn’t quite place what it was. It was a strange cocktail of nervous energy, pure adoration, and a heavy sadness. You weren’t sure how one could feel such love and heartbreak at the same time. “I chose a fish because it reminds me of the lake. The lake is my happy place. It’s where I go when I need to escape everything but still feel the safety and familiarity of home. It used to be because it reminded me of my mom. But now,” you took a deep breath. “Now it reminds me of you.” You rested your head against his shoulder and closed your eyes. Everything shared between you two had been vulnerable and transparent. You wanted to soak in the moment. You didn’t want to forget. 

Connor brushed a hand through your hair. His fingers lazily moved against your scalp to dull you into a spell of relaxation. “You know what you said earlier?” His voice was soothing and barely above a whisper. 

Through closed eyes you mumbled out a, “Hmm?”

“In the car this evening? When I showed up at your house? You said you didn’t know how to be happy anymore. That you felt empty. That you wanted to punish the people around because then maybe they’d understand how you were feeling?” 

You stiffened a little against him for fear of where this might go, “Oh...that...yeah...”

He sighed, “Me too. I understand. I feel that too. I just, I mean, I just don’t want you to think you’re alone in feeling that way. I get it. You don’t have to pretend around me.” 

You felt yourself relax against him and nodded silently, “Okay.”