#gym and get some good news at work but NOPE I GUESS ILL GO FUCK MYSELF

[agenderarkham]

What if I exploded rn. I think it’d be good for me personally

[eldritchsurveys]

761.

Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? >> Yeah, Sparrow does.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? >> Sure.

Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? >> Absolutely not, I live on the third floor. --Well, I could climb out, and I might even survive, but... let’s just say it’s pretty goddamn risky. Anyway, I’m an adult and I don’t have to sneak out of my own apartment, so it’s irrelevant.

What would you do if you found out the last person you called was pregnant/got someone pregnant? >> ---

Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food? >> Depends on the food. Some foods are pretty easy to dupe and it’s not a problem, but not all of them.

Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? >> No, dude.

If a stranger went in your bedroom, would they be able to tell what gender you are from just looking at it? >> I don’t know what someone would guess, it depends on what people use as markers for gender. Besides, I don’t subscribe to a specific gender, so whatever they’d guess would be wrong regardless.

Are your parents gullible? >> ---

Do you still own a VCR? >> I’ve never owned a VCR. By the time I left home, DVDs had won the battle.

About how much money have you spent on food in the past two weeks? >> I haven’t spent any money on food. Sparrow’s unemployment checks have paid for the groceries, because just one of those was still more than I get in a month.

If you were in a car accident would the last person you kissed care? >> I mean, of course the Inworlders would care.

If you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? >> I wouldn’t go anywhere, right now. But in general, I still have no idea where I would go. I’ve always hated shoe shopping, almost more than I hate other clothes shopping.

How much was the last pair of shoes you bought? >> The last pair of shoes I got were about $70 or $80. I didn’t buy them, Sparrow did.

What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? >> Silver. No, Sparrow’s Best Buy card bought it.

Do you have a second home? >> No.

Would you be surprised if you saw the last person you texted smoking? >> A little, yeah, because the last time I saw her smoke anything was back when I first got here and was still a smoker myself.

Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? >> The smell of cigarettes can be repulsive to me, which I’ve heard is pretty common amongst ex-smokers. Also, my sensory defensiveness is higher than it used to be, so. The smell of beer doesn’t usually repulse me, but that can vary depending on what kind of day I’m having. The smell of weed is often too strong for my liking, but I don’t necessarily hate it. I just can’t be around it for too long because of, I repeat, sensory defensiveness.

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? >> ---

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? >> Well, duh. Just like I probably have plenty of misconceptions about other people.

Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? >> Yeah.

Do you like waffles? >> Yeah.

Do you watch birthing videos on a day-to-day basis? >> That... seems like one hell of a hobby.

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? >> I find them fun and interesting and cool to look at and talk about and learn about. I guess that can be summed up under “attractive”.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet? >> I always talk to people I don’t know on the internet, it’s kind of part of the experience (unless you just never use the social aspect of the internet).

How often do you drink Monster? >> Never, I hate Monster.

Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? >> Maybe. I don’t really remember doing so, but it’s a possibility.

Do you like to buy those Warped Tour compilations? >> No, but I vaguely remember them.

Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? >> I don’t think I prefer one or the other by itself -- it’s usually a combination of different elements that determines whether I’ll sit on the inside or the outside of a booth.

Do you own a nightgown? >> No.

Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? >> No.

Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? >> No.

Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? >> ---

Have you ever had sex or something like it? >> Yes to... both?

Have you ever read a George Orwell book? >> No, because though I started it, I never finished 1984.

Have you ever worn fishnets? >> Yeah, many times.

How many piercings and tattoos do you have? >> Two [sets of] piercings and three tattoos.

Is someone in your family affected by Asperger’s? >> ---

In a hotel do you always nose through all the drawers and cupboards? >> No.

Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? >> I’d definitely rather go out to eat, thanks.

Do you always wear your seat belt? >> Yeah. What’s funny is I was never made to wear one as a child. I had to get used to seatbelts in adulthood. I... have no idea why that is. Not a good look, though.

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? >> Sure.

Have you ever been in a play? >> Yeah, once.

Do you have any secrets that nobody knows about? >> I mean, I wouldn’t call them “secrets” because it’s not that deep, but yeah, there are plenty of things the average acquaintance doesn’t know about me.

Is there ice cream in your freezer? >> Yeah.

Have you ever started to laugh but played it off as a cough successfully? >> Probably.

Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? >> Yeah, that’s kind of how I feel about The Mountain Goats. The lyrics always seem interesting, but then I listen to the song itself and I’m like “bleh...”

Does your bathroom have a window? >> No, and god, I’d give an organ for a bathroom with a fucking window.

Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? >> No.

When you were younger did you read the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books? >> No.

Who was the last band you saw live? >> Hozier and crew.

Do you believe prayer really works? >> It depends on what you expect prayer to do. I think it works greatly for focusing one’s mind and will, for feeling connected to whatever numinous force you’re into, and for the meditative effect. I also think it works to calm one down, to relieve stress, that sort of thing -- which can be helpful when you’re trying to heal from an illness or something, when you think about the body holistically. Now, if you want to claim that prayer literally causes divine power to come out of the universe and, say, completely eradicate a person’s cancer... well, I mean, I just don’t know about that, is all.

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? >> No.

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? >> I used to love frosted mini-wheats... it’s been forever since I had those.

Have you been on a date in the park? >> Something like that.

Ever dated someone you were best friends with first? >> Something like that.

Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? >> ---

Do you have asthma? >> Nope. I should have, almost everyone else born in my area at that time period was riddled with respiratory ailments. Bad air up in Elizabethport.

Are tongue piercings slutty? >> Sigh.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? >> That’s basically a foundational criterion for me to consider someone attractive, lmfao.

Last person to take off your pants, besides you? >> No one takes off my pants except me.

Do you remember those cool highlighters that smelled like popcorn? >> No.

Might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two? >> Absolutely.

Have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? >> No.

Least favorite alcoholic drink? >> Hmm... I guess gin. Rarely will I drink a gin-based cocktail.

Have you ever kissed someone named Paul or Luke? >> Maybe? I don’t know.

How did you meet the last male you texted? >> ---

Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? >> No.

Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? Left. I had to mime that. <-- lol yeah, same.

Do you have a bull ring through your nose? >> I mean, yeah, more or less.

Do you and your dad get along? >> :|

Can you see your purse right now? >> ---

Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? >> No.

Are there products in your hair? >> No.

When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? >> Sometimes, when I get aggravated enough.

Do you actually like sneezing? >> No.

Have you taken a shower yet today? >> No.

Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? >> ---

Do you wear skirts a lot? >> No.

Do you wear sweatpants a lot? >> I don’t have enough pairs to wear them a lot, but let me tell you, if I had more they’re pretty much all I would wear as far as outside clothing goes.

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? >> I have three pairs, I don’t have to guess.

Do you like hoodies? >> I love hoodies.

Big ones or the form fitting kind? >> Big ones.

Do you wear polo shirts a lot? >> I never wear polo shirts.

Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? >> No.

Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? >> I mean, I don’t necessarily feel great about everything I’ve done, but I’m not going to obsess about it either. All I can do is try to learn from my mistakes moving forward, and hope my brain doesn’t turn on me and make me do more things I’ll have to learn from. I don’t know, man, “regret” just doesn’t feel like a thing I fully comprehend.

Do you love your computer? >> I sure do. Both of them.

Do you drink coffee? >> No.

Do you basically like all of your clothes? >> Sure. When I stop liking them, I get rid of them.

Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? >> Either by myself or with Sparrow.

[tjp5]

Day 1 January 15, 2020 – Written January 16, 2020

               So yesterday was the first official day of this twelve-week program. It was the first day that I would start writing this blog, and the first day that I would start doing a few things on a regular basis that I believe would help get my mental health in line, which I believe is of paramount importance to getting your physical health in line. I will elaborate on those at some point, maybe even today, I am going to be honest and tell y’all, I have no idea where these are going to go when I start writing.

Needless to say there was some excitement, and there was also some trepidation. Yesterday was a little grey for me.  I was upset with myself for my horrible dieting options on Tuesday. I am one of those people who continuously says “one last fat meal,” and no matter what, I absolutely regret it the next day. Another thing that made Yesterday a little grey for me was the fact that I was admitting my struggles with mental health to more people than just my therapist and my girlfriend. Some friends knew that I had issues with anxiety, and some friends knew about the struggles I had about eight years ago, but it was the first time I really said “hey, I am a little fucked up in the head.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsvyjePPFRs (shoutout to Adam on this one) It was good for me to admit that to this vast nothingness that is seemingly everything in the world, the internet. I also had a little bit of help, I don’t know if it was coincidence or what, but this video came across on youtube auto play and showed me that even the most successful people in the world deal with these issues. Old Athlete Meets Young Athlete To Discuss Mental Illness | Dean Windass Meets Tyson Fury | The Gap - YouTube – This video is definitely worth the time, and it will help you realize that people are out there living life and crushing goals no matter what that voice in the back of their mind is telling them that they are not capable of. Yesterday was also a little grey because of the fact that I reread what I wrote, I thought it would make me feel good, proud, and a little Tranquilo, (that’s a little shout out to the wrestling nerd in me, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyTtyg_fylI) but it didn’t. I realize now that taking off and not writing for four years, was a bit of a mistake, but we’re back on the wagon. Hopefully I will look back on these entries and see an improvement, probably not, but maybe.

Anyway, looking back I was excited to finally step into the program, this is something that I have not interacted with since I played baseball in college all those years ago. Back then, I absolutely was disgusted with the idea to hop into a designed program. I was young and thought that whatever I could come up with would be just as good as anything they had. I was wrong. I cam into college weighing around 235, and the coaches weren’t shy about telling me that I was too big. I was cocky, and didn’t care about who was ahead of me on the depth chart or what other players were brought in at my position. My mindset was simple, “I am the best mother fucker here,” to this day I don’t know how wrong I was exactly, but I do know I was not the best player there, I was correct in one sense, I was one of the most out of shape people on that team. Their program, as well as them watching and ridiculing everything I ate, helped me get down to 205 pounds, which is now near the top of my goal weight range. I don’t know if that is significant to me because it’s the last time I felt confident in my body or what, because it definitely wasn’t a time that I was experience a healthy mind. So now, completely opposite of where I was about nine years ago, I am excited about the prospect of getting ‘fit.’

I looked toward the first day of this program as something that would be easy, fuck me, I couldn’t have been more incorrect. In the last month or two I was sporadically going to the gym and just focusing on my cardio, this did nothing for me but give me a little bit of piece from whatever I had going on, so it was good, but it was doing nothing for my physical fitness. The workout started with 500m on the row machine as a warmup, this literally took about 3 minutes, but it kicked my ass. 500m on the row machine kicking my ass should have been a telling sign to where this workout was going, but it was not. I did some lower body, body weight movements, and then headed to the squat rack to find my three rep max (3RM.) My legs were already burning, I got 225 with some relative struggle from fatigue, but being alone, I left it there. I will use 250 as my 3RM from now on. That is something that is tough for me to admit, 250 as a 3RM, I used to be able to squat over 400 pounds, that wasn’t something that was challenging when I was catching over 100 games a year, it was just another thing that I could do. Squats are one of the things that I would like to improve most on, right up there with cardiovascular health. I am sure my relative obesity for the last near decade probably has wrecked a little havoc on my heart health. Speaking of cardio, that’s how the workout ended, with 12 minutes of as many as possible cardio circuit, fam I about died. This workout gave me a headache like I haven’t had since eighth grade basketball. I guess these headaches are kind of common, excretion headaches, and I am probably going to get them for the next week or so, oh boy!  

Anyway, this blog isn’t just to update y’all on workouts, its to keep myself in check. Letting myself down is something that I have become familiar with, so I am hoping, that it some way, this makes me think that I am letting everyone else down too. So some things that I am going to detail, is what I ate, and what times (so I fit with my intermittent fasting,) whether I am keeping up with actually doing my hair on workdays, and shaving my face 3-5 times per week so I don’t look like a hungover bum at work. There are probably other things that I will get to doing as well, but I am trying to evolve and will come up with those throughout the next three months.

 Workout today: A GD struggle, and it was only 45 minutes

Diet: A few cups of coffee and about a half gallon of water In the morning. 1:35 Two pieced of grilled chicken, Brussel sprouts, and cooked peppers and onions. 4:30: Beef chuck roast, baked potato and broccoli. 8:45: Protein shake and a spoonful of peanut butter (I plan to do better than this, but yesterday was a bit sporadic)

 Sleep: 6 hours ( trying to get 6-8 daily)

Therapy: Check

Yes I did my hurr, nope I didn’t shave my stubble.

My apologies for these first two being so long, but I am having a good deal of reflection as I try to start this new path.

Cheers!

[tsunderrated]

I got tagged by @astolforiderofblack

what was your last…

1. drink; water boys!

2. phone call; i answered a spam call on accident

3. message sent; I think i can do it!

4. song you listened to; i absolutely can not remember this.

5. time you cried; i cry every day cos that’s just how mental illness is

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice; no

7. kissed someone and regretted it; no

8. been cheated on; yah

9. lost someone special; yah

10. been depressed; every day cos that’s just how mental illness is

11. gotten drunk and thrown up; nah

— favourite colours…

12. Blue

13. Pink

14. Yellow

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends; uhhhh. I upgraded an acquaintance to a friend but i dont really think ive made a completely new friend.

16. fallen out of love; absolutely not

17. laughed until you cried; mmmm no? who remembers this for a whole year

18. found out someone was talking about you; no. are they? almost definitely. but i don’t know.

19. met someone who changed you; nah

20. found out who your friends are; been hanging out with like 4 people exclusively if that’s what you mean, as far as irl friends go.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook friends list; yah

— general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know irl; most. there’s a couple i don’t know who i accepted because we had at least 100 mutual friends, but not many. never accepted just a complete and total stranger.

23. do you have any pets; my dog is the most important one in the world

24. do you want to change your name; no, my name is cool

25. what did you do for your last birthday; my family and i went to top golf. this birthday i haven’t decided what i want to do and we’re celebrating in 3 days lol

26. what time did you wake up today; fucking 2:30 ass in the morning. went back to sleep after lunch and i’ll go back to sleep after dinner then i’ll do it fucking again. cool.

27. what were you doing at midnight last night; got damn asleep

28. what’s something you can’t wait for; may/june when i’ve gotten a couple paychecks, have all my bills squared away, and have some fucking disposable income for once.

29. what’s your favourite animal; foxes, red pandas, and dogs

30. what are you listening to rn; it is extremely silent in my room.

31. have you ever talked to a person named Tom; the guy ive been shadowing at work is named tom, also one of my parents’ friends

32. something that’s getting on your nerves; this fucking jobsite i’m on that runs from 2-9 in the morning.

33. most visited website; tumblr almost definitely

34. hair colour; brown

35. long or short; hair? short-medium for a guy. i get it cut pretty short but i also go like 2-3 months without a haircut.

36. do you have a crush on someone; my gf. also i guess i have crushes on some other people but that’s like whatever

37. what do you like about yourself; im hot and talented and a disaster

38. want any piercings; nah

39. blood type; u really think i’m just gonna but my blood type on tumblr.

40. nicknames; meta, that’s about it. my name’s shorter than any nickname that doesn’t sound like baby talk

41. relationship status; in fucking LOVE with my gf

42. Sign; Star Aries Moon Leo Rising Virgo. Star aries is absolutely true and moon leo is generally accurate too but i have never identified less with any horoscope than the rising virgo stuff.

43. pronouns; he/him. idk sometimes i think i’d prefer they/them but idrc that much

44. fave tv show; uhhhh. mbmbam  seeso.

45. tattoos; i have a cicada and an angel right now; i can think of 3 more i know i want a get and a few more ideas i have w/o placement or places i wanna get one but no idea.

46. right or left handed; right

47. ever had surgery; yeah a couple times

48. piercings; none

49. sport; like, to play? i played baseball and soccer as a kid, and i played tennis with my dad occasionally but i wasnt very good.

50. vacation; i’d like to go to japan some day. also i know it became basic but i wanted to go to iceland back before OMAM got popular when no one though about it.

51. trainers; what the fuck does this mean. best gym leader was elesa.

52. eating; nothing?? i had leftover spaghetti for lunch.

53. drinking; water boys!

54. about to watch; i’ll catch up on this season’s anime soon.

55. waiting for; the sweet release of death

56. want; the sweet release of death

57. get married; for sure

58. career; in the end, something musical. I’m not sure what i’d most enjoy yet.

— which is better…

59. hugs or kisses; mmmm close but hugs probs

60. lips or eyes; what? i like my eyes and lips both very much.

61. taller or shorter; i’d like to be taller. i like shorter girls.

62. older or younger; this is so fucking weird. is this supposed to be about a partner or like if i’d rather get younger or older. what is this question.

63. nice arms or stomach; stomach

64. hookups or relationships; i love my gf very much so relationships. if i didn’t have her though? uhhh probably hookups for a while

65. troublemaker or hesitant; what.

66.  kissed a stranger; yah

67. drank hard liquor; yeah i mostly drink rum. usually either rum and coke or add something fruity though, i don’t drink liquor straight usually

68. turned someone down; yeah

69. sex on first date; uhhh. i’m usually more of a “sex before the first date” kinda guy.

70. broken someone’s heart; almost definitely

71. had your heart broken; absolutely definitely

72. been arrested; nope

73. cried when someone died; not usually when, it doesn’t usually hit me til after.

74. fallen for a friend; hmmm. i guess never really a close friend. they’re usually acquaintances or friends of friends or i ask them out before we have a chance to be friends

— do you believe in…

75. yourself; sometimes

76. miracles; usually

77. love at first sight; yeah

78. Santa Claus; no. who the fuck believes in santa clause.

79. angels; hm

— misc…

80. eye colour; blue/grey

81. best friends name; uhhhhHHHH

82. Favourite movie: i really like Her and Moonrise Kingdom. One of those.

83. favourite actor; my boy Jakey G (jake gyllenhaal)

84. favourite cartoon; Avatar the Last Airbender is hands down the best animated show ever. i dont generally consider it a “cartoon” but sure

this is so fucking long i’m not gonna tag anyone but if were mutuals and you want to do it just say i tagged you

[vnv-test]

1-99

Dude what the f u c k

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? - Sound Cloud

is your room messy or clean? - MESSY LOL

what color are your eyes? - Golden brown

do you like your name? why? - Yes! Because I picked it and it’s something I’ve grown very comfortable with

what is your relationship status? - Single

describe your personality in 3 words or less - loyal, funny, hard-working

what color hair do you have? - brown

what kind of car do you drive? color? - a gray toyota sienna (I’m basically a soccer mom)

where do you shop? - amazon, maybe hot topic. I dont really shop

how would you describe your style? - clothing? Laid back. I wear basketball shorts, athletic shoes, a t-shirt, and sometimes a hat 

favorite social media account - instgram or tumblr

what size bed do you have? - full

any siblings? - yep, little sister

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? - tbh california, just not my current city. I like it here, it’s pretty liberal and open and the weather is slightly standable in the spring

favorite snapchat filter? - doggo

favorite makeup brand(s) - lmao I don’t wear makeup

how many times a week do you shower? - not enough

favorite tv show? - orange is the new black

shoe size? - LOL 3 IN KIDS

how tall are you? - 5′1″ FINALLY

sandals or sneakers? - sneakers all the way

do you go to the gym? - no, we have a workout room at home plus im in band so that works well enough

describe your dream date - oh boy. Honestly just doing something chill together and going for a walk and looking up at the stars together. Nice cuddling and some kisses thrown in there too lmao

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? - $0, I don’t use cash

what color socks are you wearing? - white

how many pillows do you sleep with? - 1, sometimes 2

do you have a job? what do you do? - I do not, menchies rejected me

how many friends do you have? - a big group of like 10 or 11 who I can really call friends and actually depend on

whats the worst thing you have ever done? - oh fuck okay, probably run a red light and almost tboned someone but luckily they stopped because my dumbass is a terrible driver

whats your favorite candle scent? - cinamon

3 favorite boy names - ALEX, Mikey (cuz he’s my bff and I love his name), and Andrew

3 favorite girl names - Taylor, Sarah, Kate

favorite actor? - idk man

favorite actress? - Amy pohler 

who is your celebrity crush? - Laura Prepon god she’s so fucking hot

favorite movie? - Power rangers

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? - not really, but my fav series is chaos walking

money or brains? - brains

do you have a nickname? what is it? - yes! a lot of people call me shimmy or Shim

how many times have you been to the hospital? - I got hurt a lot when I was younger to I went to the urgant care but that’s it

top 10 favorite songs - 1. You’re gonna go far kid 2. First by Cold War Kids 3. Forest by ToP 4. be Still by the killers 5. mr. brightside by the killers 6. The Violence by Rise Against 7. Cecilia and the satelite 8. Handclap 9. Believer by imagine dragons and 10. tear in my heart

do you take any medications daily? - nope

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) - dry

what is your biggest fear? - losing someone i care about

how many kids do you want? - 3

whats your go to hair style? - Parted on the side and just kinda swept over and pushed forward? Idk how to descibe it ill post a pic after this tho

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) - i guess it’s a little on the bigger side

who is your role model? - my friends mikey and lexi (@bridkid)

what was the last compliment you received? - “You’re tone sounded really good that rep”

what was the last text you sent? - “Are you shitting me” to Lexi after seeing that someone was making me answer 99 fuckin questions

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? - bruh idk maybe 9, 10?

what is your dream car? - idk just not my current van

opinion on smoking? - dont do it

do you go to college? - nope I’m a junior in high school

what is your dream job? - high school band director

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? - suburbs

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? - nah

do you have freckles? - not really

do you smile for pictures? - I try

how many pictures do you have on your phone? - 431

have you ever peed in the woods? - definitely

do you still watch cartoons? - of course

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? - wendys

Favorite dipping sauce? - BBQ

what do you wear to bed? - basketball shorts and a t shirt, sometimes I sleep shirtless if it’s too hot tho

have you ever won a spelling bee? - nope, never participated in one

what are your hobbies? - music and hanging out with friends

can you draw? - yeah I’m not terrible at it

do you play an instrument? - Yes! Trumpet, piano, saxophone, french horn, euphonium, bass drum, and pit percussion

what was the last concert you saw? - Does DCI count

tea or coffee? - coffee

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? - starbucks

do you want to get married? - maybe, probably

what is your crush’s first and last initial? - DR

are you going to change your last name when you get married? - probably, just because I don’t like my last name rn

what color looks best on you? - blue

do you miss anyone right now? - my friend lexi cuz bitch graduated

do you sleep with your door open or closed? - closed holy shit

do you believe in ghosts? - not sure

what is your biggest pet peeve? - my trumpet section

last person you called`- Nathan, one of the sophomores in my section because he was super late this morning

favorite ice cream flavor? - cookies n cream

regular oreos or golden oreos? - regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? - gay

what shirt are you wearing? - my SCSBOA 2015 Championships shirt

what is your phone background? - a picture of me, Mikey, and our friend Emma laying on top of each other

are you outgoing or shy? - more outgoing than shy

do you like it when people play with your hair? - YES I LOVE IT

do you like your neighbors? - no 

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? - when I shower I wash it

have you ever been high? - nope

have you ever been drunk? - I’ve been buzzed

last thing you ate? - crab quiche 

favorite lyrics right now - literally the entirety of be still by the killers but i like this part “And may your limits be unknownAnd may your efforts be your ownIf you ever feel you can't take it anymoreDon't break characterYou've got a lot of heartIs this real or just a dream?Rise up like the sunLabor till the work is done“

summer or winter? - summer

day or night? - depends

dark, milk, or white chocolate? - milk

favorite month? - august or november

what is your zodiac sign - pisces

HAPPY I ANSWERED 99 QUESTIONS BUDDY also this proves I have nothing better to do with my life lmao

[dashiellrobert-parr-blog]

Summary: All about my only sonnnnn :DDD He was actually the quickest one to do!!!!! I honestly didn’t think that I had him that fleshed out at all, but I guess I did haha I love him!!!! <333 

Trigger Warnings: None

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Dashiell Robert Parr

Nickname: Dash!!!! The only name he gives everybody. He’s in denial that Dashiell is like his actual real name haha

Reason for name: Hahahaha so Dash was a slip and slide delivery, like he came out super quick looooool Because of that, his dad came up with the genius idea of naming his son “Dash,” but Helen thought it was too simple and the pair came up with Dashiell. So there you have it folksss 

Birthday: July 27th, 1999

Age: My little baby is going to be eighteen tomorrowwww!!!! 

Gender: Male

Place of birth: New York City, New York (specifically Brooklyn)

Places lived since: Gawdd this kid has moved EVERYWHERE. His family has like basically been all over the United states until they finally settled down in Swynlake, which is where Dash is currently. 

Parents’ names, backgrounds, occupations: Robert and Helen Parr. Both were famous ex superheroes back in their days: Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl. It was how they met actually, got stuck in a mission together and they hit it off ever since. Right now, however, Helen is a stay at home mom and Robert works in insurance at Interpride. 

Number of siblings: Two that he truly believes is far more than enough. Violet Parr, the oldest and Jack-Jack Parr, the youngest.

Relationship with family (close? estranged?): For as much as Dash is a total shit head to his family, he really does love them a lot!!! He’d do anything for them, especially for his siblings. He will also make it his life mission to be the most annoying ass-hole brother Violet and Jack-Jack could ever have :DD

Happiest memory: That would be the very first day Dash realized he had the ability of speed!! He had ran so fast around the house that unfortunately he didn’t know how to stop and ended up crashing himself against a wall. That lead to a hospital visit shortly after, butttttt it’s still his happiest memory!!!

Childhood trauma: Aside from moving so damn much in his life time, not being able to make long lasting friends or anything because of the moving, having to hide his magic, which is essentially a HUGE part of who Dash is, and not being able to really get into any sports because of having to hide said magic... Dash really didn’t have any childhood trauma. 

Children of his/her own?: None, he’s still a baby!!!!! 

If so, relationship with their mother/father?: N/A

Age he/she gave birth/became a father: N/A

PHYSICAL

Height: 6’ 0”

Weight: 165 lbs

Build: Pretty built, but not like overly crazy built where it’s boarder line unattractive haha

Nationality: American

Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): None. I’m sure people would believe that he’s ADHD, but that’s his magic.

Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks): Dash has had acne in his past because you know he’s a teen going through pubertttyyy, but other then that his skin is pretty healthy. 

Distinguishing facial features: Ummmmmm his hair??? He has pretty awesome blonde hair if he does say so himself xD

Hair color: Blonde

Usual hair style: Down haha. Dash doesn’t do his hair beside like pass a hand over it when he wakes up so that it doesn’t look like complete crazy ass bed hair 

Eye color: Dark Brown

Glasses? Contacts?: None

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Jeans. A huge fan of dark jeans and black ones. For the most part they tend to be ripped and sorta baggy he isn’t into the form fitting style. Sneakers of choice are converse, unless he’s at practice for one of his many sports. T-shirts again he does like his dark colors when it comes to those, but isn’t oppose to white t-shirts. He does like jacketssss so you’ll see those on him often and definitely sweat-shirts!!!!  He owns a ton shit of hoodies. 

Typical style of shoes: Converse!!!!! He likes Vans too. When he’s at practice or at games he usually wears Nikes. He’s just a sneaker boy. 

Health (is this person usually sick? or very resilient?): Very resilient. Dash has a fast metabolism as well as a high stamina and so forth so it’s kind of hard for him to really get sick. Plus, he’s healthy in that he’s super active so he definitely gets his exercise in. 

Grooming (does she/he wear makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck her eyebrows?): Dash is a teen boy! He showers once a day because like who doesn’t? And he does shower after practice and any games. No, he doesn’t wear make-up. If the laundry got done then yeaaahhh he wears clean clothes lmaoo

Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: No piercings, but oh man does he looovveeee tattoos!!!! He got all the ones he has all behind his mother’s back so of course he has been grounded for every single one of them. He has a g-clef that connects into a the symbol for a pulse on his chest where his heart is. He has a sick ass skull on the back of his shoulder, right side. A celtic design on his left forearm, not overtly huge, but it does cover a good portion of it. He would definitely love more!!!! 

Accent?: None.

Unique mannerisms/physical habits (bites nails, talks with hands, taps feet when restless): Dash has restless leg syndrome so when he sits his leg constantly shakes hahaha. He has trouble staying still in general. He’ll tap his hands on surfaces just because he needs something to do, especially when he’s sitting down. He talks with his hands because he always has so much energy on him.

Athletic?: Very athletic!!!!! Oh my gosh Dash is in like a shit ton of sports. Track, basket ball, football, field hockey. Home boy just really LOVESSS his sports. He goes to the gym very often too. He’s probably my most athletic babe.

INTELLECT

Level of education (high school drop out, undergrad BA/BS, PhD, MD, etc.): Currently in high school and still going.   

Level of self esteem: So freaking high!!!! Dash has a large ego to him and can be such a cocky shit head!!!! In the end he does always mean well and has a pure heart, buttttt he’s still a shit head. 

Gifts/talents: My son can play the guitar!!!!!! He knows both acoustic and electric, prefers electric. Helen had to find something, when he wasn’t allowed to do sports, to keep her son occupied and the guitar was the only thing that actually worked out for Dash.

Shortcomings: Hahaha where do I start?!?! Homeboy can’t STAY STILL!!!! He needs to constantly be moving. He thinks way too fast!!! His brain jumps from topic to topic to topic (his magic’s fault). He’s a cocky shit-head. He can be annoying as fuck, especially to his siblings. He can also be kind of obnoxious and could get loud too. He’s so precious though I do love him!!! <3

Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): Loudddddd. He talks pretty fast too. He honestly can’t help himself it’s part of his magic he’s trying to work through.

“Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: Right brain. Hahaha Dash being sequential and logical funnnyyyyy

Artistic?: Yesss, well musically anyways. 

Mathematical?: Nope, he’s struggling in his math class haha

Languages? Good ole American English.

Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: Emotions. Emotions all the way as he’s an impulsive little shit

Neuroses: None

Life philosophy: He’s young still figuring that out, besides the fact that “Life’s awesome because I’m awesome!” hahahaha

Religious stance: He doesn’t have a particular stand

Cautious or daring?: Daring!!!!! He’s so fucking impulsive he is the jump first think WAAAAYYYYYYY later

Optimist or pessimist?: Optimist :DD

Extrovert or introvert?: Extrovert!!!!!!

Level of comfort with technology: Very comfortable!!! He’s a fucking awesome speed texter!!!

RELATIONSHIPS

Current marital/relationship status: Taken

Sexual orientation: He’s a teen whatever he is now can changgee. I don’t even remember what I had him originally hahaha

Past relationships: Since Dash moved so FREAKING MUCHHH he really never had a chance to like get into a lasting relationship. Actually, Ariel is the longest thing to a relationship he has had thus farrr

A social person? (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them): Dash talks to the whole fucking world. He is definitely the popular type. Typical hot school jock, except he isn’t an ass-hole. He doesn’t stand for that kind of shittt

Most comfortable around (person): He lovvvess his friendssss!!!! So he’s comfortable with his whole crew!!!! Kiara, Callie, Ariel, Jake, Bambi. Out of all his friends though he’s the closest to Bambi, because Bambi was the very first friend he made in Swynlake :DDDD (Ariel you’re his girlfriend)

Oldest friend: Probably Bambi haha Bambi is like Dash’s first trueeeeee friend!!!! He wasn’t able to have any of those before because his family was constantly moving!!!!

SECRETS

Life goals: To be a fucking SUPER HERO!!!!!!!!!! He wants to be just as awesome as his parents once were!!! Nah, he wants to be BETTER!!!!! 

Dreams: Pretty much the same as his life goal hahaha

Greatest fears: That he’ll have to go back to when he was suppressing his magic. His magic is such a HUGE part of who Dash is and now that he’s able to openly express that side of himself he can’t ever see himself going back to where he couldn’t

Most ashamed of: He’s a teenage boy with a huge ego, he currently can’t think of something that he’s really ashamed of xD

Compulsions: Dash can’t fucking sit still!!!!!! There is no way he can actually pull through a compulsion

Obsessions: Pizza!!!!!! Dash fucking LOVESSS pizza.

Secret hobbies: He skate boards, not really top secret and Jack-Jack is ten times better at it then Dash is. He’s in a shit ton of sports, again not really secret, but Dash is pretty much an open book soooo

Secret skills: Uhhhh he can play guitar??? And he can singggg other than that that are both not even secret really, that’s it

Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): None.

What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life: Right now, life is pretty good for him. He can use his magic as he pleases, he has friends, can be in sports, has a pretty girlfriend like life is goooooddd. I don’t think he wants to change much.

What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance: You kidding me?!?! Dash LOVESSS himself. He wouldn’t want to change shit hahaha

DETAILS/QUIRKS

Night owl or early bird?: Night Owl

Light or heavy sleeper?: Heavy, he sleeps like the DEAD

Favorite food: PIZZAAA. His obsession. His ultimate favorite food everrrr

Least favorite food: Anything healthy hahaha

Favorite book: Dash honestly really doesn’t read.... like his favorite book would have to be a comic book.

Least favorite book: Any school text book period

Favorite movie: Dash is such superhero trash when it comes to his movie preferences. All the Batman movies are his faveee

Least favorite movie: Chick-flicks. All of them.

Favorite song: Light Em Up by Fall Out Boy.

Least favorite song: Anything slooowwwww he can’t. He doesn’t have the attention span for it hahaha

Coffee or tea?: Coffeeeeee, which is bad to give an already normally energetic boy

Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: Crunchy

Lefty or righty?: Lefty

Favorite color: Blueeee and Blackkk

Cusser?: Yeap. Your typical teenage boy xDD

Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: Nope. It’s hard for him to get drunk anyways because he has an enhanced metabolism.  

Biggest regret: Hiding his magic for as long as he had. I meann he really didn’t have a choice, but if he had been able to use it from the get he would probably know how to work out the kinks by now. 

Pets?: None

[angel-nero]

11 questions...

I was tagged by @pureren @zaevran @glaspaladin @z-ayauitl and @kcgane ty so much !!! ♥

RULES: 1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. Tag 11 people

my questions…

1. what’s the worst piece of clothing you own?

2. what’s the coolest piece of uh fashion that is so cool you can’t even wear to go out? lol

3.- what book have you read that you feel it has been the worst?

4.- What’s the healthiest meal you actually like?

5.- do you love keith kogane? (or vld keith lmfao what u prefer to use)

6.- something paranormal ever happened to you? if yea, what?

7.- do you get jealous easily? with who? (friends, popular ppl, talented ppl, the s/m)

8.- what’s the cutest thing you own?

9.- what are your favorite crisps?

10.- do you have a favourite drink?

11.- can you tell im hungry? what hobby you wish you liked or wish you did?

i tag: @kukinta​ @kittyr0se​ @heirith​ @liesfromsatansbuttcheeks​ @sheith-love-always​ @acequeenm​ @blessedkeith​ @lukaspatel​ @ke1th​ @ace-pidge​ @keith8​ but only if you want to!

TESSA’SS AND!! TAMI’S QUESTIONS1!!!

1.  Do you connect with people easily?

mmm, I don’t becos im a very quiet person and can be w u w/o talking at all and I get overwhelmed by convos I don’t care about also it’s kinda hard to win my trust and also interest lol. I’m nice tho, i mite not be enjoying myself but i’ll forev b nice w u.  

2. Did something good happen to you this week?

uH yeah, i’m doing things to improve my health, i did my uni exam, im frEE, i finally don’t have to go to rEliGIoUs classes aNYMORE and UH,,, i got a diet to win weight and its cool i get to eat ESQUITE LMFAO. i will see my bffs in friday and i have browney mix there i should bake but im lazy

3. What’s the personality trait that annoys you most in other people?

When people pretend to like something just 2 b friends w someone or ME, do you know we can be total dif and maybe still b friends if u cOOL. Ass kissers, hypocrisy, LIES LOL. I don’t like fake ppl at all.

4. If you could participate in any existing tv reality show, which one would you choose?

The ones where they change ur style and buy clothes for u 2 love urself and do ur hair and make up and buy u xpensive undies. I loved that crap when i was in secondary school lmao

5. What’s something you’re insecure about?

That I can’t be in one place without wanting tofuckin run, the fact that i can’t eat w ppl at all, that i have to go to the fucken gYM

6. What’s your favourite way to hang out with friends?

:’)) well,,, i go to my bff’s house or they come. If im fine then walk around my neighborhood cus it’s nice ahaha anxiety am i rite. oKAY, even if i get anxiety i like ice skating, or roller skating, i have a lot of fun. My friend want us to go to this pixies concert and im like :(( boo i love u

7. What’s your favourite fic trope?

lol idk,,,,, pining? mutual pining? no pining and they getting to know therngs im melttin sTOP idk…… it depends on whAT shIP. I just know i’ll read any fake dating of my otp. idk idk duuuude i legit don kno. It’s not a trope but i love crunchy feelings, showefjsid fksjnj its hard to talk about this im sOrry

8. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve liked in the past?

hahahahahaha my crush

9. What do you consider to be the best period of your life?

When I was 14. I went to parties more than i go to them now lol, i drank and smokkd w who where my best friends back theN i know it’s whack. we used to go to roller skate? all the damn time and did sleepovers and everything was funny, we practically lived together and my friend that was 16 drove us to places lmao,, everything was so good. but like, dont imagine me too wild i only smokd like 5 cigs in my life and hookah and we even broke one.

10. What do you consider to be the worst period of your life?

mpghgg, when i turned 15,,, in the middle of it everythin went to shit to the actual date. But im trying to change that

11. How did you meet your best friend?

I met her,,,, 11 years ago. Look, I usually have best friends in pack. I have 3 bffs at the moment, one of them sat next to me in 2nd year of primary school. IDK how i got to actually know my absolute bff tho but we did a lot of weird shit. we also met in the same classroom and she was my bff back then. The third one was also a frind but not so much during those years. Later i changed of classrooms and shit and bonded more when I was 14 w 6 friends and those r i did crazy shit w but we got separated and stopped talkin and they invited me to the club a week before my uni exam but i was high on meds and sick af. and never replied also going to meet em again at the club makes me nervous af tbH…. I have had a lot of super close friends in my life wTf. In my new school i have also 7 friends that r super close.And we’re also a pack of bffs. I actually had a hard time to use the word bestfriend lol, not bc of me havin a lot or anythin, i was just emo i guess

BEX’S QUESTIONS YOo

1. What’s the strangest nickname you’ve ever been given?

:))))))))))))))))))))))))) gabhole, gabaloney, TETI THAT SOUNDS LIKE TITTY. now ft Aztec secret 

2. Do you like to gossip?

UMMMMMM,, i dont like to listen to another ppl judging someone, I hate it and i normally tell them to stop. it depends i guess

3. Are you afraid of the dark? um,,, no but i dont like it lol

4.Have you ever been stung by a bee?

no, but i steppeddd on one. I also was pickin a tree and till this day i dont knoW wTF it was but i had something big in my middle finger and it fucken hurt like a bitch and i had A BALL on it UGHHHHH I HATE BUGS

Bigfoot or mothman? fucking none

Do you trust anyone with your life? i mean, idk

Do you have any habits you wish you could break? yEAH, to stop tweeting my mental breakdowns is one lmao. 

Would you go ghost/alien hunting? 

both tbh, who wants to break into abandoned houses w me, i live in front of one,,, i mean not so infront but in the row of houses infront of me lmao english whO? dude rosetta stoned by tool is my aesthetic, alien stuff. bex listen to it pls

Best pickup line? (you’ve heard or used on you/you’ve used)

u r the best chair *proceeds to sit on em* keith to shiro probably

Mint or fruit gum?

I dont like gum much cos it makes me hungry or thirsty. I also drink too much soda to fuck w mint stuff :(( say that to the mints i bought lol :( i only eat halls or gum bc im nerves w ppl so they stopped bein a thing i enjoy for me lol. i do that since im like,,, uh,,, idK 15. it fuckd my stomach

What do you want to be remembered for?

I mean if I have to pick and b unrealistic, for art maybe,,, or for the thing i end up working with, like architecture or somethin. Art, def art cus i like art so much

ZURI’S QUESTIONS!!!

1.-if you had to chose one thing to eat for the rest of your life what would it be? 

I MEAN THIS QUESTION IS THE DEVIL I GET TIRED OF EVERYTHING TO THE POINT I DONT WNAN EAT ANYTHING I WILL JUST IGNORE IT SSAYS ONE AND SAY MEXICAN FOOD

2.- what are you most afraid of? Mental illnes and being ill and living 

3.- do you have a favorite place to visit?

I mean,,,, i love walking in the center? centre? of my city bc is like going to another place. Is also fucking Cuba in there. Everyone says that, my dad asked a cuban marine he met if it was true and he said it was ‘’ the fackin same’’ So its like,,, travelling in time and places. also the beach and the port.

4.- what type of weather you enjoy the most?

I need the sun, otherwise i get sad… i like cloudy w sun. I just like to go out in the afternoon tho lol so like,,, sun pls so the sky can turn pinkish

5.- do you have a rare ability like dislocating your thumb or moving your eyes really fast?

i move my tongue real real fast and also can do the cherry knot thing and uh i can like, be aberrantly stupid too. hey but dont fuk w me and bother me 4 bein stupid, i will fist fite u and i mite b stupid but i will also mite think u r stupid if i don like u so fuk off. Dam,,, i get like, bothered so easy LOL like, think u r better than me and i’ll fist fite u LMFAO WHY THO I SUK, but like, if not bothered, i think of everyone as my equal… wow this was not the question

6.- do you think it would be easier to create one universal lenguage or an accurate translator? nO… dont delete culture like that,,, an accurate translator mite come in handy u kno but like, some languages have words that don’t exist in others so like :-/

7.- is there something that soothes you no matter what? um no i wish

8.- favorite piece of clothing? boots and thights

9.- is there a song stuck in your head right now? YEAH dig down by muse i love it, every1 says it sUCLks but i can’t stop listenin to it

10.- why is your favorite animal your favorite animal? i don play favs but i love the honey badger bc of this pleas fuckin watch it and THIS

11.- morning person or late riser? Oh,, i cant wake up to save my life so late riser

SUNNY’S QUESTIONS!!!

1. do you have any plushies? a LOT but im like,,, they r in my wardrobe and i luv em but like,,, they’re all gifts,,, did u kno one of my past bffs bought me a dino for christmas?

2. have you ever walked out the cinema before? 

Yeah, i love drive’s aesthetic and Ryan gosling a lot but is SO boring so idk if my friends and I got kicked out or we prefered to get out to talk haha. 

3. if you could have a mascot what would it be and why?

A CHINCHILLA, they’re a irl pokemon and they r so cUTE

4. what would your theme song be? kool thing, sonic youth maybe or is she weird by pixies. All Over the world by pixies too lol

5. do you have any phrases or sayings you find yourself coming back to often? not really, im so bad at remembering sayings and quotes

6what’s the nearest object to your right? a book called azul by ruben dario

7. would you rather live in the big city or out in the middle of nature? 

Big city forever. I love high? buildings a lot. I dont do that well in the rural life lmao 

8. are you working on any creative projects right now (fic/art/music/photography/ect) Nope at all and das sad cus i should b doing art lmao

9. what’s your favourite movie score? idk what is score… but the soundtrack of trainspotting is one of my favs… oh but score… aghgsdhaj any tarantino movie tbh or wes anderson movie… or before I disappear or demolition oR southpaw or the girl w the dragon tattoo

10. i say vol you say….? uuhhhhh,,,,,  vol….tron??? (ICONIC, I MELT, I LVOE HIM)

[heavyasafeather]

2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? Buy a car. Go to “real” concerts.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? In the sense that I told myself to stay fat, and don’t work out.  I’ll stick with that, in the hopes that the opposite will happen.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? None.

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? A sense of... belonging? More orchids… that are healthy.

7. What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? October 8--I saw Coldplay?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? If it counts, I guess making steps toward adulthood.  Hah, they’re not that great--but buying a car, signing up for health insurance.

9. What was your biggest failure? Living

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had the flu earlier this year.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Probably my car.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? ?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Coworkers.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I’m not sure anymore.

16. What song will always remind you of 2017? Fleet Foxes, “Third of May” Devotchka, “I Cried Like A Silly Boy” Aidan Knight, “What Light (Never Goes Dim)” The Growlers, “One Million Lovers”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Sadder. ii. thinner or fatter? Despite efforts, fatter. iii. richer or poorer? I “feel” poorer. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Going to the gym. 19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Not going to the gym.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve: I was with Adam’s family--we went to Outback, then watched The Last Jedi.  Christmas day: Opened presents with my parents, then watched Justice League with my dad after we went to Arby’s.  Then went to see my grandma and cousins to eat for like give minutes.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey~

23. How many one-night stands? 0.

24. What was your favourite TV program? Good Morning Call, Girls, Salem.  Hello, My Twenties! (?)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? More like have an increased hatred towards certain people.

26. What was the best book you read? --

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? I really liked “One Million Lovers” by the Growlers. [shrug] And Aidan Knight’s, “What Light (Never Goes Dim)

28. What did you want and get? Fleet Foxes’ Crack-up album Grizzly Bear’s Painted Ruins album

29. What did you want and not get? (Edward Gardner) To go watch Fleet Foxes

30. What was your favourite film of this year? [shrug] The Last Jedi, Thor: Ragnarok

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 26--went to work, had ramen with Adrian (sort of, haha), then went to Outback for dinner with my parents and Adam.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying? Moving to Norway, and marrying Edward Gardner.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? Scrubs.

34. What kept you sane? Daydreaming about Edward Gardner and moving to Norway.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? -Domhnall Gleeson, always. -Adam Driver. -(I’m making this count): Edward Gardner.  Literally, this all started when Youtube suggested some BBC Proms video thing from last year of him conducting the National Youth Orchestra of Britain playing The Planets, and holy shit.  I don’t know what the fuck has happened to me, being so obsessed over this man.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Sure.

37. Who did you miss? @adrianagustin, @ewwwjermss, @joshunderumbrellas

38. Who was the best new person you met? ?

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017: Don’t tell anyone anything.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Who stole the life from you, who turned you so against you?...Fire can’t doubt it’s heat, water can’t doubt it’s power.  You’re not a adrift, you’re not a gift, you know you’re not a flower.

[redlemonz]

Day #24

Not a great rush of adrenaline this morning, that's for sure. My heart beat is again unsteady and relatively quicker, and my breathing slowed. I can safely say that it was the result of some incredibly bad dreams, for the most part, which I'm trying my best to instantly forget so I can move on with my day. Not worth going into detail to remind myself and feel like shit, but it was essentially just a bunch of major things going downhill within family, friendships and even her - yes she made an appearance, surprisingly enough. All the damn blame from everything that was going wrong was absorbed by me. I couldn't help to think in these scenarios that if I were a better person to them, that I could've altered the ill fate suffered by my loved ones. Now I'm shaking at the thought of it, and even drawn a couple of tears because of the intensity of what I just suffered through. It's been extremely difficult to distinguish dreams from reality in that regard, because I'm the same, bad person in each universe. I'm actually struggling a bit more this morning from the after effects of those dreams, and my breathing hasn't stabilised after a while - genuinely thinking there's a possibility of fainting, which would be nice if it were back in my bed. It's hot and and cold at the same time. I'm drawing a bit of anxious sweat through what feels like a fire inside me. It's sort of like a similar feeling to having a fever in a way, but an anxiety fever. Have even resulted to attempting to breathe through my mouth as a substitute but that's only raising the heart beat. Fun times in the weak struggle. Can't find the balance this morning and so I'm not looking forward to the rest of the day ahead, especially as I'll be stuck in a team meeting the entirety of the day. The day dreams that will fill up the time will have my head fixated on her as usual. Day 24 - A coin & a clock I received a special coin today that I forgot I purchased, which one of three at work ordered online on behalf of me about a month ago. It's special because it's a double sided coin, which depicts only heads on both sides, and has the word 'liberty' engraved into it, along with the design print of the famous sculpture in New York City. It's intriguing because it's utilised by a rather famous comic book villain (yup, comic books - more fantasies, surprise) who determines the fate of his victims with the flip of that very coin, which means that they're ultimately doomed either way because they don't actually receive the equal chance they're led into falsely believing that they're entitled to in the circumstance. That's the interesting factor - the false hope that is generated for the soul who doesn't have knowledge upon the fact that their future has already been decided for them. It makes you realise that liberty is nothing more than an imaginative term, a living irony promoted by society that's suppose to make you believe that you have this false sense of freedom. It's achieved well enough too, considering we're mostly all brainwashed to some degree and follow the norms and conventions created by our societies to live life as the sheep we are. That's just one man's opinion though, and I understand that it's quite generalised and doesn't actually apply to each individual - just the majority, who are "drowning in the mainstream" as one of her hipster jokes would go. This new piece of memorabilia I have acquired is a reminder to me that I'll always be stuck in my ill-fated sadness in the end, no matter what choices I make in the present. That this road will eventually lead to a cliff with no remaining bridge to cross, no matter what temporary happiness may be found on the way. I'll never be able to get to the other side of the bridge.. where she resides. I managed to take my friend anxiety, to the gym this evening, so we could both get pumped up to a whole new level. Certainly you could note that it took me a lot of willpower which I didn't know existed at this stage, to go a second time within the week already - haven't done that for a while due to my fears of breaking down. I don't really know what to say, except for that my heart break is currently being re-lived greatly right now due to my nemesis, time, reminding me that it's been exactly 4 weeks tonight since I received a message from her asking to talk the next day of Armageddon. Even worse, the last time I had any contact with her was Monday - three days ago, which again specifically resembles the gap in which in that past time we did not communicate either. My mind is determined in just finding any fucking excuse at this point to link events, coincidences and any resemblances it can find to remind me of the pain from that moment. Sadly, it's working well in it's favour because it's in my nature to be accustomed to thoughts like this. I remember thinking that everything was going so well, and that she finally listened and understood me with the pain I uncomfortably had to openly express with her on several occasions (especially recently at the time), and that I would just give her some space and time to take that chance on me finally. But little did I know that she was only being friendly and polite (as is in her sweet nature), when asking to speak to me the next day, because I had no fucking clue that not only did she break her promise, but she would break my heart and end us. Supposedly the three days felt like a lifetime apart and she actually lived a joyous life in that time, which means she didn't need and/or want me anymore. In my head I was just speechless and in shock, so I remember going absolutely insane with my over the top friendliness in that moment. That's because I had fucked up enough, and finally clicked then and there as soon as she had enough, how I had been behaving and mistreating her that whole time. I was constantly overreacting and poisoning her life with my unnecessary insecurities and problems, so she justifiably finally decided to dispose of the negativity in her life, i.e. me. Since that precise moment, it all started crashing down on me about what I had done, and to this very day I'm still in shock (hence the recurring madness) about how it all played out and I suddenly went from what felt like everything to nothing - with a single phone call. Here I was, ready to be the happiest guy alive (I cannot emphasise how much I was looking forward to this moment, with all the hope in the world) as I thought my insecurity of being hidden from her family was going to be finally over. Nope - It was the exact opposite. My world turned upside down, and so did my head and heart along with it. So here I am, an even more broken shell of a man - if I ever were a man, rather than just a boy to begin with (that'd probably even be a compliment at this point with the immaturity I displayed). But hey, it's more than fair enough. It's what I deserve for mistreating her the way I did. To be honest, I was never really good enough for her to begin with, and I'm sure she always knew that too - which is why she always had doubts about us from the very beginning anyway, and continuously rejected me. I very much do appreciate that she tried for me, and for us as a whole though, as she really did put in so much more than I think even she was expecting, prepared to, and thought that she ever would. I guess I can only hope now that I brought her some happiness above all the pain and trouble I caused her, and that she'll continue to cherish that good part of what we were (wonderful weekend + sick-day monday was beautiful in that regard). And I hope that she's happy now too.. It's been basically four weeks after all, and she's not usually one to be stuck in the past for long so yeah. All I can continue to do now is accept all my mistakes, and learn through all this torturous pain and punishment, even though I tried my best - I just didn't succeed (fuck off again, Coldplay). It's all so excruciating right here, right now though, as I've honestly lost the will to simply try with stuff, I guess. I may as well confess that in my weakness I even messaged her just before, asking how her week's been, but haven't heard back from her in these couple hours. At least she's living a busier life and properly moving on unlike the loser I am, whining about my fucking feelings. I suppose these are all pretty standard confessions of a broken heart though too, yeah? Likely. I'm just being a naive asshole - nothing new. She doesn't owe me any time or attention anymore, and she never did. Whether it be a tangible object or a memory, everything seems to find its way into being my enemy these days, because my mind chooses for it to be. Oh well - my pit is getting a bit dry, tonight's a night better than any to water it with some tears.

[une-dyke-tragique]

Wednesday June 14, 12:54 pm

Sometime Saturday, May 13, I received a super-like on tinder from a mentally unstable woman two hours away in another city who had just recently gotten a tattoo dedicated to her ex from last year.

I’d encourage anyone with the time to read this if you follow me because I think it’s a pretty good sum on my life & where I wanna go right now but it’s cool if not.

The past month (4 and a half weeks) since then... So fucking much has happened, and so much has changed in my life and with myself, yet at the same time, on the surface, and I guess in some ways in reality, it looks like... I’m just back to where I started a month ago.

I’m single again, completely and entirely. There is absolutely not one single person in my life with whom I could have a romantic relationship with right now. There is absolutely nobody I have a crush on or even have any feelings for, really. No one in sight. Whoever I will like next, I have not met them and they are thus a mystery to me.

I haven’t been pushing myself enough physically. I still have small arms and you can’t see my muscles yet. I took too many ‘days off’ of exercise and my lungs aren’t as strong as they were.

I have barely bothered learning anything new for music yet, which is really terrible considering I’ve been off a whole fucking month. I’m always busy doing something else I guess. I procrastinate it and it’s bad.

My room is still just as messy- nope, messier- than it was during the school year. My floor is littered with clothes, all of my papers are disorganized, my bed is never made, and everything is dusty.

I’m still the same height, of course; I’m always going to be short.

But in other ways, Im very different and I have changed a lot in the past month:

Maybe I don’t have super huge arms and I can’t run to the park and back without losing my breath and bending over yet, but I just joined the gym and I’ve started making it a habit of going. I also started swimming again. I took up skateboarding again; I bike places sometimes. I still go for long walks. I want to sweat a little every day and see the beautiful blue sky and feel the misty rain on my face.

Maybe I haven’t been reading as much as I wanted, but I’ve started writing more again and I feel its healing properties and the power at having my words strike meaning and ambience when I shape them. Maybe 

Maybe I’ve fallen off of the wagon for the moment for playing music myself, but in some ways I’ve been closer with music lately than when I was spending 6 hours a day with it. I needed space to breathe; and while I was trying to run away from my responsibilities with music by making something happen with this girl, it turns out that this girl hurt me and wasn’t there for me, an music was there for me when she hurt me, because it’s always always always fucking there for me. I’ve been appreciating the way it’s picking me up from the pain and I feel more attached to it like how I did when I was 15,16, 17, 18. Not like it’s always something I ‘have to do’.

So, in the end, this one girl didn’t love me and used me. So what? Other people have loved me, other people love me now, and other people are out there who will love me. Most of all it’s important to love myself. My family and my friends have been there for me, and although my experience with romance is making me feel like ‘everyone is super temporary and going to leave me’, maybe that’s true that people simply cannot be permanent in our lives, but some people really do want the best for us and are trying their best to make us happy in the small ways that they can. I deserve that. I deserve better than what she gave me.

On the phone with my friend last night, she told me “people like that might not mean to hurt you sometimes, but they just don’t know how to love properly”. I tried my best with this woman I liked, and I failed; that’s because I know how to love while she’s been taught she doesn’t deserve it or that you don’t treat the people important to you who are treating you well, properly. I should feel grateful and lucky that I’m the one being hurt in this situation, because for her to do this to me is a symptom of the gaping black hole inside of her, and not of my own shortcomings. I would fucking hate to be in her place where I was so damaged and disconnected and not aware of my actions I would have treated someone I was courting the way she did with me. That’s a sign of trauma.

I know it’s going to take a while for me to ‘completely feel over it’, but I have to just remember to be patient and forgiving and loving with myself. Trying to ‘force it’ won’t help. 

I have to be patient, persistent, and hard-working and never give up. with getting ‘over her’, getting my life together, learning new things, growing as a person, building and nurturing my support network, developing good habits, becoming a better artist/writer/musician, reading, building my ideology, accepting myself, dealing with my mental illness, becoming more fit and healthy, and growing into the woman/woman aligned person (L O L) I want to be. To exist in the world as a useful member of different communities and my family, 

Rome wasn’t built in a day and I have to remember persistence and consistency and hard work and challenges and bumps in the road and disappointment and sadness and being hurt & offended by people and growing pains are not steps I can skip, it’s all signs that I’m moving forward, not that I’m “failing”, even if it sometimes sucks in the moment. I love myself and I’m very beautiful and I’m going to stop writing this now because it’s time to practice piano I am going to learn a new song on it today.