tjp5

[tjp5]

A fresh start?

I quit my job today. A job with great benefits, and semi-decent pay. Not decent for the work we do but decent, and I quit. With no Solid backup, no job with a benefits package, and to be honest, it’s the biggest leap of faith that I think I have ever taken. I’m scared, I’m uncomfortable, and I have no idea where this will lead.

This is something that is probably disappointing to some people, “there are a lot of people that would kill to be in my position, just suck it up,” or “let things go in one ear and out the other, just show up and work.” – These are just some of the things that I have been told. What people fail to understand is the fact that I haven’t been myself since the photo at the top of this was taken, nearly a year ago. I know it’s probably not only this job, the pandemic probably has something to do with it as well. But The Pandemic is something that I don’t believe is going anywhere, even if the numbers are “declining,” I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, but come on, let’s be real…..

 Anyway, late last year I started feeling a way I had only felt once before in my life, and that was the purest of darkness, and I am lucky to still be here today. I had been looking for a job since about August, the first time they forced some of us back into the office, and I figured something would come along, but it didn’t. I also figured that the two week break they give us during the holidays would help me clear my brain, and reset. It was true, for the second week of the holiday break, as soon as I signed in and the micromanaging started again, the darkness started creeping back. Tbh the last six or so months have been scary for me, there was finally a straw that broke the camel’s back.

 Last week, one of our two employers, (we are technically contracted to another employer on top of our actual employer,) decided that they were going to lift some restrictions, which is great, but we don’t physically work at their location. Our other location hasn’t said a word, but we we’re notified by managers that we would be returning to office, I was one of the lucky ones who was to report 5 days a week. As a medical employee who’s labeled non-essential, there were no added safety restrictions to keep us safe, and that just didn’t sit right with me, neither did being one of the employees that had to return at 5 days. I’ve been working from my makeshift office since we moved in August 1, and even being away from them doesn’t help. I can’t imagine what being in the office would do to my psyche, and I don’t want to find out. I hate to say that my state of mind, and the darkness has caused a decline in my work, but it has, and I can’t trust the people here to bring it up to them. When I brought up a threatening meeting with my supervisor I was told I misunderstood, they don’t care about their employee’s mental or physical health, and it’s a horrible experience.  

 I refuse to let the darkness win again, refuse to be treated like a whipping dog, and refuse to keep my mouth shut to make 40k with good benefits. I would rather work my ass off for a couple years and relearn how to like myself. That’s exactly what I am going to do, fuck these people.

[tjp5]

I am straight up, not having a good time.

I shoot straight here, that has been my concept with this blog, no fucking around. I am honestly not writing to paint this great picture of what I have going on when it is not true. Prime example….I literally did not write for months on end because this was supposed to be about me trying to get in shape again, and COVID kicked my ass, so I didn’t have anything to say. I felt like I was failing people I don’t know, the friends that were supporting me writing, the people close to me, and of course myself. 

Normally, people would put “last but not least there,” but, not me. Because to me, I am least. I will literally do anything I can for people, I want to help folks, I want to give all I have to the things I do, and most importantly, I really don’t want people to feel like I do. Most of the time that means neglecting me, which is fine, it has been a significant part of my life for going on who knows how long. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you how long, because I have this deep need to make people happy. For those of you reading this that don’t know me, this is going to sound like I am being conceited, but I promise it’s not that. I am a funny dude, like I just say shit, and do whatever I can to make the people around me smile or laugh, that’s where most of my joy comes from. I just straight up like to see people happy. But fam, I sure am not happy. 

 I have a lot going for me in life, apparently I am funny, I have a roof over my head, I am in a healthy relationship for maybe the first time ever, I eat good, and I can generally afford the necessities for living. Last night the question was posed, to me “what do you do to make yourself feel better?” My answer was straight up, “go to sleep and then feel it again in the morning,” yo I didn’t hesitate on that one, like one bit, that’s scary and according to the answer “that sounds like depression,” maybe it’s time for a change. Throughout my life I have been really good at ignoring red flags, no big deal, let’s go. The first one that truly jumps at me any time I think about this is a relationship in high school. Looking back that thing fucked me up, and really set a tone for the future. A friend of mine, someone who looking back on it was probably one of the best people I’ve ever met and a damn good friend at the time, told me “she’s dirty,” and I was like “hmm ya okay,” and did I know that friend was right, probably yea, did it matter to a 15/16 year old, lol.

 There started the path of red flag colorblindness through the last like decade. Whether it be, joining a fraternity I didn’t belong in (thank god for the one I ended up with, probably saved my life,) dating people that were definitely not compatible with who I was at the time, or have become for that matter, the tough time I had after I lost baseball, or a couple of the jobs I have taken since college, I ignored red flags. I did this because, if I could find a job, or someone would date me, then I must be okay right? Lol nah, not how it works. After my previous relationship I took a break, and really took time to find me, and find validation for myself away from other people, and that paid off. Like, looking back on it, I would not be who I am, or as happy as I am with my significant other as I am. Plus the hiatus from the dating life made it possible for us to be together, that’s a win if I do say so myself. I even took a year off of playing baseball, and let myself know that the dreams of my childhood weren’t going to be realized, so I should just play for fun, and things have been better since.

               The problem in this, and the whole reason I am in this state of “I hate this,” is my job, can’t just take a year hiatus from working, I don’t want to be living “down by the river.” I took this job when my previous employer was trimming down, I mean TRIMMING down. Every week coming in I didn’t know if I was going to be sent home with a box of my belongings or not. I couldn’t live like that, so I was looking for a way out, and a friend of mine from bowling came to me and mentioned that his wife was looking for employees, actually two bowling friends did, and looking back on it I probably took the wrong route. One was a firm that was looking to expand, and the other was where I am now. The whole “can’t seem to keep employees thing,” should have been warning enough. But it wasn’t, because I ignore red flags. Moving forward, lol @ my name drop of the blog (good marketing @ me,) I need to make more sound decisions on my future and on my job selection. I sit here today trying to find anything I can that is just going to get me out of where I am, and I think that’s a scary concept. Because that reasoning got me to where I am today. But the fact is, I miss me, I was very happy for some time, and the longer I am here, the less happy I am, and the less me I feel, or really don’t feel. So, I am at a standstill. My journey to go to tech school failed, just so any of you know, you can’t get federal aid for a “lesser” degree than you already have, and if your credit isn’t a plus you need a cosigner, which doesn’t come down to anyone who says yes. Thank you finance degree for that insight. I could take two part time jobs, or a lesser paying job for the time being, struggle a bit, but be happy, or keep on pressing where I am, and hope for the best. I really don’t know what to do, but I am working on it, because fam, it’s getting dark.

 If you read this whole thing, thank you, I appreciate you, there’s a lot here and for me it’s heavy. Also, I am sorry you sat through my self-loathing shit post. I don’t write these for people to feel sorry about the way things are, I just want people out there to know that they are not alone, and other people are struggling and also there for them. Just be there for people, you never know how much they might need it. 

 Cheers.

[tjp5]

2020 Year in Review

Looking back on this year, it was a rough one for me, as I am sure it was for just about everyone else. It sure did start off strong, I mean, naturally there was some worry that we COVID would be an issue, but I don’t think anyone thought it could be as big of an issue as it has been, especially in the States. It definitely didn’t help how much it was being downplayed by our government, and surprisingly that is something that also lasted throughout the year. What can we do though, our only option is to live our lives as well as we could. 

I started writing this blog, whenever that was because I needed an outlet, somewhere to sort of vent, candidly, not that I am uncandid in any way, it was just somewhere I wouldn’t have to directly bring my issues to other people. A friend of mine last night said “man that’s one thing I love about you, you’re completely honest.” If we are close, and shit isn’t good in life, I am going to tell you about it, not because I want you to feel sorry for me, or because I want to bring you down, but simply because it is the truth. The more I think about it, when COVID sent my wagon into the wilderness like I was playing Oregon Trail I should have kept writing. It was something that majorly helped. But unfortunately I didn’t, and to be honest I quit doing a lot of the things that were helping me figure out my life, and get to where I wanted to be. The biggest issue, I have started to realize, is I stopped doing the therapy sessions. I quit because I plain and simple did not want to do therapy through a video session, and I still don’t even more so now than before. My therapist got a new job and moved away, I am glad he is moving forward, but with my past it feels like he just left. Is that true, no its not, it is probably more true that I gave up on therapy, but I don’t think that is very true either. I have learned through other people that Therapy was something that helped them, even in a small amount of sessions, and I felt like all I got out of it was talking about my day. Maybe in the future it will be better. 

The other reason that I started writing this blog was because I desperately wanted to lose more weight. At the beginning of 2020 I was at my lowest weight in years, and it continued to drop in the next two/three months. I don’t expect you to go back and read, but back in 2015 when I left college I was somewhere around 320 pounds, I lost a bunch of weight when I was working on the car lot, walking about 10-15 miles a day, and then gained a bunch back, I was about 290. Started working in 2017 to lose it all again, hardly working at first, and then working hard in summer 18, around lost about 30 pounds quick, and that last 20 was finally starting to fall off in the beginning of this year. Then, Covid hit, and I am almost back to where I was when I started at the gym again. I don’t know what the issue is, but working out at home, is something that I just have no drive to do. I was going to the gym 5/6 days a week in Jan-March, and then working out maybe 5/6 times a month. 

My job, being stuck at home, and managing my baseball team took a toll. To say things were getting dark for me again would be putting it lightly. Things were bad bad. I wasn’t even having fun playing baseball, which even when things were bad in the past, was something that kept me close to even. In August, I no longer had to live alone, my girlfriend and I moved in together, and I thought that would solve the problems I was having. But it didn’t, I wasn’t as lonely anymore, but the other problems were still there, and as it goes for the job, it has just gotten worse and worse. To try and fix this I started in the gym again in late Sept, and I really didn’t make much progress - turns out, when you are just working out to forget your problems, you’re not working out too well. I had no drive there, just like I didn’t have a drive to do really anything. Workouts felt like they were doing something, but I was just going through the motions. Just like I was doing with almost everything else. 

Sports wise, I bowled well in the fall, and hit well this summer. To be honest, standing in a batters box was about the only time that my mind wasn’t on something else for the better part of four months. Something about that made me realize I had some things to work on mentally. I overthink a lot, but this year I was overthinking it all. I had to simplify things. From Thanksgiving Until new years, I just lived. Tried to make things better for me, and luckily, the two week break from work, getting to see some of my family (although I wish I could have seen mom and grams too) was huge. I finally have started to (kind of) feel like myself again. 

I also made a big decision around my birthday, I am now 28, and I haven’t had a job I truly enjoy yet, I didn’t mind waiting tables, or working at the dealership. The bank was good because of the people, and this job is good because of the work. Maybe if I could have had both at one job it would be different, but I didn’t and I have decided it is time to go back to school, for something that does not include being a cube jockey. On the 12th of January I will find out if this is going to work out how I want, and if so, hopefully I will be on to bigger and better things.

I said it last year, and maybe I was wrong, but I don’t agree with this New year New me stuff. I set January 4 as a new start date for me though, so maybe I am new year new me now (its all bullshit anyway friends let’s be honest, we are who we are.) Since Monday, I have cut out the pop (soda if there are any random readers here,) candy, and I haven’t had a drink. I am going to attempt to not drink until at least Feb 3, and at that point, leave the drinking to a beer on Thursday (bowling) and some drinks on Saturdays if I am feeling it. I have also started the intermittent fasting thing again. My food choices haven’t been the best, but we’re working on it. So for the next month, Coffee and water, eating well, no drinking, let’s see where it takes us. I am around 290 again, maybe this will start the downward trend. There is also a bit of a symbolic reason that I am writing today, I need to go back to the gym, and that’s pretty much where this started. I should have went Monday and Tuesday, but after getting off work, there was nothing that I wanted to do more than cuddle on the couch with the pupper and watch some Narcos. After an episode last night I went to GNC, got a preworkout, and I plan to start tonight, at the very least that is going to give me some artificial motivation. 

Happy January, and happy 2021 fam, lets try and make ourselves and the world around us a better place. It could all start with a smile. 

[tjp5]

Failure.

Well, her we are, 12 months after I started my ‘fitness journey.’ LOL I failed. 2020 wins and my age 27 year wasn’t as successful as I thought. COVID happened, pretty much right after I went on vacation. I mean, we were in the county that had the first case on the east coast.... that was scary. If you would have told me then that everything was going to shut down in a few weeks, and I would work from home, pretty much for the whole year. I would have laughed at you, I truly thought this was something that wouldn’t do what it has. In the end, the earth always wins. 

Fact of the matter is I failed, I went back to the gym in September, I got seven weeks into the program, and then had my own Covid scare, shoutout to the dude who showed up to work with symptoms and no mask..... I am not going to get into the politics of the matter, its not worth it. 

Here I sit, 12/12/20, 30 some pounds heavier than my lightest point in the spring. As soon as things shut down, I more or less gave up, I thought it would be a couple weeks, it wasn’t, obviously it wasn’t. It was a tough year, running a baseball team sucks, but I think it became a lot worse because somehow work became more difficult than it was before. I have my own afflictions, and problems from my past, this job somehow finds away for me to magnify it all, and dislike myself more and more. The only days that I have where I am happy with myself are days that I am not at work. 

The only difference now than there was in March when everything shut down was the fact that I am willing to try and workout at home, I joined Kaisa fit, may have spelled that wrong, but whatever sorry Kaisa. Let me tell y’all, that shit is hard, I do the 8 minute and thirteen minute program and it is a different kind of fitness. If I didn’t live in an apartment I would probably see what I could do to find a row machine, I found out I still like doing that in my 8 week return to the gym. A friend of mine from college, really solid dude posted a picture of the progress he has made, and to be honest, it opened my eyes to how long this road is going to be, especially since I fell off the wagon for 7 or so months. It’s okay, the road to 205 is going to be a long one, but I will get there. 

I am going to start writing again, because I remember it helped me get through a lot of the mental stuff I was experience, and to be honest, I just enjoy doing it. I also am about to start a second blog about baseball.... finally. I’ll comment the link if you are interested. 

Cheers 

[tjp5]

My bad on the wait.

Yea, that is mostly on me. Partly on the coworkers that have quit in the last couple weeks. Don’t worry, I’ve been going to the gym with regularity, and mostly crushing it. I just have not had the time at work to really take time and go over what I need to write here. Obviously there is a little bit of an issue in the world, some virus or some shit, maybe you have heard of it. If you aren’t reading this in 2020, just look up the toilet paper shortage of 2020, or really just why the year sucked, I’m positive the virus will be on the list. 

The workout week has been getting better and better since getting back from vacation. There are two reasons for that, one, I’m getting used to the grind again, and then well, a rather large amount of my fellow Yinzers are skipping the gym, “empty gyms make for great workouts” - Lance Archer - Tom P.  With so many people missing from the gym it is a lot easier to get all of my shit done, and the less amount of people that decide to workout, the greater the chance that I continue to go, can’t get sick if no one is there. This is also the cleanest gym that I have ever been in, I hate it. The gyms that feel like they are hotbeds for staph, those are the gyms for me, but I guess in a time like this, I will take clean as fuck. 

Like I said earlier, this week was hectic. I work in a department that has fourteen administrators, seven to a team, and well, we don’t have fourteen people to fill these positions. My team in particular is super fucked. Out of our seven, we currently have four workers, and that number is going to go down to three this coming week. I cannot stress enough how excited I am at even the potential of getting out of this clusterfuck department. Fun Tom fact, ‘clusterfuck,’ is one of my favorite words. I had three of my four work days this week where I didn’t even get the chance to take a lunch, do you know how fucking annoying that is? We were lucky enough to have Friday off, this is something that the University does to make up for not acknowledging the President’s day, holiday. Could I have given you a blog post yesterday, probably, did I  have any interest in looking at my macbook whatsoever? Nah. So, I wasn’t going to take the chance of putting a shit post out here. 

Disregarding the gym, the workouts this week were good. I struggled Monday and Wednesday, but I really started getting into my groove Thursday, it felt good to really get my shit together, especially when the workouts before vacation were starting to get frustrating, I honestly didn’t have anything left in the tank. I  have been running into a decent deal of issues lately on the mental health side, and that along with the shit show at work is taking a lot out of what I can put into the gym, its a never ending cycle it seems. The gym is something that I started to get my body and mind in better shape, but unfortunately working out is fighting a battle that has multiple fronts. Think of Germany, and pick from the handbag of wars, its a losing strategy. Thankfully though, I am stubborn as fuck, and I’m going to keep working out, and keep up the fight. 

Bowling was good this week, and so was baseball.... other than the fact that the scary virus shut down the place that the fellas and I use to take so batting practice. What can you do, nothing, because the media is hyping this up like the fucking plague.... alright, I’ll get back on track. Wednesday was crazy, because I didn’t get a lunch, and the combination of the gym, therapy, and baseball practice made for a hell of a night. Shoot, I was ready for my week to be done then and there. 

I ate like shit this week. It is totally my fault, I get it. I should have meal prepped, but its not like it would have made much of a difference, the days that I was prepped for, I didn’t get to eat it any way. If we look at this another way, you know the optimist way, which is not really my cup of tea, the lack of caloric intake is going to lead to a greater weight loss. But fuck that, I want to do this shit right. There is a month left of the workout after today, hopefully the gym won’t close down, and I can get all of this done. If you don’t want to go to a gym, but if you don’t want to go to the gym, and you are in need of a workout plan, check out Derek Weida’s website. It is a program just to get in shape at home. If not, go get something tasty and enjoy your social distancing, I am going to use that term for the rest of my life, but as Marshawn said, “take care of y’all chickens,”  because this year fucking sucks. 

[tjp5]

Week 7 Day 3

On to deadlifts. If you have been a reader here, you know I love those bad johnnies, if not, I love them. Thankfully, my hand healed up while I took a week off, I went out of my way and bought straps to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. Deadlifts were awesome, they were even awesome with me forgetting my belt. The workout threw me a curveball though, with snatch grip deadlifts. They were a hell of a workout, but it felt rather awkward.

I guess I did well, one of the trainers at the gym went out of their way to tell me that I did good deadlifts, so fuck it, I’ll take it. I did burpees a little different, they were combined with deadlift high pulls for the AMRAP cardio. I used the smith machine so I could lock the bar in at the bottom and do my kida burpees. It was a hell of a workout, and the first day this week that I felt back in the saddle so to say.

I’m prett happy with yesterday’s workout. I’m still struggling with being stuck with myself, mentally, but it’s no big deal, today is better. Things are better because I’ve been busy as fuck, but it was good for me. Hopefully tonight at bowling is better, we’ll see

Cheers

[tjp5]

WEEK 7

I’M BACK BITCHES!

 Vacation was great, thanks for asking. It was warm, I got to watch baseball, not enough in my opinion, and ate a lot of seafood. I could go for a lot more of all of that. But, I am in a rather gloomy area of the country, so I will gladly accept sushi, and reluctantly accept shitty baseball. I guess the fact that my baseball is starting, and it has been nice enough to go outside and practice a bit is good enough, frustratingly its not 75 and sunny, but beggars can’t be choosers, right? Let me tell you, I don’t know how different my life would be if I would have just sucked it up about ten years ago and realized that I needed glasses, I mean, I am very glad that it didn’t work out that way, because life is pretty good, but I think the what if questions will always be in the back of my mind. In the meantime I will accept nothing less than winning the triple crown in the league that I am playing in this year. Time to hit some dingers, better call up some beefy boys from the 90s and ask them how to stack some roids…. Kidding, although I do hear that is an effective way to lose weight, and lose something else, we know what I am talking about. If not, maybe my blogs aren’t for you.

So I changed things up a little bit since I got home, Instead of doing the first day of the workout week on a Wednesday, I am crushing legs on a Saturday. It made Monday a little rough, because my legs are screaming at me, but hey, its all good, Arnold said “shock the muscles,” I guess that is kind of what I am doing. It was nice, things were a bit more available than they have tended to be on Wednesday. The only thing that I didn’t like was difference in the crowd, there are a lot more older folks in the gym that want to talk to people. I don’t need that shit, I need heavy weights and death metal, or trap music, there isn’t much of an in-between. That wasn’t all bad, I met Frank, this older Italian man from Buffalo. He thought I was Canadian, because I was wearing an old Blue Jays hat, which is my normal workout hat. It’s cool, Canada sounds nice, except for the fucking cold, and the Blue Jays have dope uni’s so sure Frank, I’ll be Canadian, I really don’t care. The only reason that this happened is because I tried to change things up a little bit on the headphone end of things. I got a new headset for gaming, so I brought the old ones to the gym, they sucked, and they ended up in the trash, because nobody got time for that. I think I have a little ADD, so music cutting in and out would have taken away from my workout more than talking with Frank and the old lady who was way too worried about Corona. After the gym I hit up the GNC. (don’t mind the fact that I liked to add “the” to titles, thanks) Did you know that eating too much red meats adds to arthritis, me either. Eat more fish.

After the GNC I went to baseball, swinging a bat helps me get all of the bullshit out of my mind, at least temporarily. I would love to sit here and tell y’all that everything is good, but it is not. I struggle when I am around people too much, I desperately need my alone time. I am about 97% sure this is because from thirteen until I left for college, unless I was working, at school, or doing something sports related, I was alone I hated it at that time, and looking back on it, it has probably helped create a few of the problems that I deal with through my life. I love people, and I love being around people, but I straight up cannot go too long without time to myself. I am burnt out as fuck right now, and it is having a serious negative effect. Mentally I am just uninterested in almost everything, from work to the gym to even cooking last night, I just don’t give a fuck, and its very hard to deal with.

Sunday was eventful for me, I finally got a bit of alone time, but I have not reset yet, reference the paragraph above. I had another hitting session, this time it was outside, because mother nature has decided to bestow some beautiful weather on the area. One of my favorite sounds in the world is a wood bat hitting a baseball, and honestly, when I am the one who is making that beautiful sound it just makes me feel wonderful. There is nothing like that to me, and I figured out some things. I am going to decimate all this year (lol.) After baseball, I listened to the Blue Jays game on the way back to my apartment, ate, enjoyed an hour to myself, and then went to the gym. I had no drive at the gym, the workout probably should have taken about an hour, but by the time I was done, it had nearly been two. Although I crushed over 1200 calories, I wish that I would have felt like I crushed the workout, but oh well. Last night I cooked for today, and I will end up doing the same. Since I just finished eating I can tell y’all, thoroughly season your ground chicken, it tastes like ass if you don’t.

 I am glad to be back, hopefully y’all keep reading.

 Cheers

[tjp5]

Week 7 Vacation

haven’t been writing, mainly because I have been so busy at work that I am losing my mind. Well, today I’m trying something new, writing while I’m on the bus.

Tuesday was a double bowling day because of vacation. That doesn’t seem like a lot, but honestly after six games, I was worn out, like your favorite childhood toy. I bowled good for next week, it for Tuesday night, I bowed like sugary dog shit, shout out to my man Stone Cold Steve Austin on that one. If you don’t know the reference, look up Stone Cold reviewing cocktails, and enjoy.

Wednesday was stupid busy at work, I wrote and wrote contracts. I had no interest in typing another fucking thing. You ever sit at a computer so long your intelligence level feels like that of yo. Second grade self? No, well, that was me Wednesday it was bad. I intended to write about one of the changing points in my life, but I think I’ll have to get there at a different point. Maybe on the flight Sunday, probably not. I’m one of those people that likes to get a buzz on before the flight, you could die on a plane, and I don’t want to go through that (totally) sober. That’s about the only thing I could control in that situation. So, I would probably share too much, and I like y’all but nah, fuck that. Baseball was great Wednesday night, amazingly, being able to see the ball clearly makes a huge difference..... who knew? It feels good to be back doing my favorite thing in the world.

Yesterday and today were busy as fuck too, I finally got a haircut again. It’s a good feeling. I really didn’t like looking myself in the mirror without my hair done. It was super weird. I’m thankful to be out of work for a few days, there’s a max exodus of fellow employees, and that does something I didn’t think was possible, make the environment worse. Fuck it though, see them next week.

I didn’t do max outs, mainly because my hand is messed up. I’ve taken a few days off, and Monday I’m going to get back on the workout wagon, in Florida! It will be a lot of body weight movements, some jump ropes, and who knows what else.

I’m heading to visit my family tomorrow I may write, I may not. I hope y’all have a wonderful weekend.

Cheers!

[tjp5]

W6 D5

               Well, here we are, the last workout day of week six. And unfortunately, my last organized workout for a week. I am heading on vacation from Friday until Thursday. Don’t worry, I will still be doing some kind of workout, it will just not be part of the program. It will be some kind of workout that I decide to do, and it will be body weight based as well as cardio based. Next week, as long as we get back Thursday when we are supposed to, I will be heading to the gym almost immediately, then I will be skipping the Saturday off day to get a workout.

               Yesterday was weird, there was no cardio associated with the workout, which was weird to me. The cardio has been the toughest part of every workout until this point. I still got my ass kicked by the workout, but it just wasn’t the same way that I thought it would be. The warmup was more of a cardio session than I thought it would be, which isn’t a bad thing, I also incorporated stretching into the warm up, which was a great idea. One of the worst parts of the workout yesterday was my hand, my grip was tested throughout because of this nice little opening I have. I did the highest amount of pullups/chin-ups that I have yet… is it bad that I don’t really know the difference between the two, probably, but it is what it is. Another part of the warmup was thrusters. I think I need to get the legs more warm before I jump into those next time, because until I was half way through, it wasn’t working out too well.

                 Who created muffins, and why are they so good? Yes I had a muffin with dinner last night, as well as some rotisserie chicken and veggie egg rolls. It was a good meal! I had chicken and chilly for lunch and a nice rx bar before my workout. I like to think that I ate healthy. I’m sorry I am running behind in writing today, and for the short post, but I am busy as shit, and annoyed with work, so tomorrow should be better. There is also a screaming baby on the floor, and they say hell doesn’t exist. lol @ that. Maybe I will write about a little bit more of a synopsis of the first six weeks tomorrow, but I will probably wait until I am sitting in an airport or something. I’ll be back tomorrow, hopefully on some rampage at something.  

Cheers

[tjp5]

Week 6 Day 3-5

               I should probably start writing on the weekends, I think. Honestly, I just like doing it when I technically shouldn’t be. Probably a character flaw, but I can’t find a fuck to give on this Monday morning.

               Friday was a hell of a day, we’ve been stupid busy at work, mainly because management doesn’t really care how much we have to do, and by that I mean the people that we have never met that are making way more money than us. Unfortunately, I am going to do the work anyway, because I like having money. Friday, we had all of our budgets due, a month and a week early, and got informed that another set of budgets were due by the end of this week…. Two months early. Beautiful, I mean purely exciting. What that means for you, is that I will be crushing these blogs out early in the mornings, what it means for me, a lot of Jeezy radio and college baseball highlights to get me through all this work without yelling at someone. I am not sure if it is my Youngstown upbringing or my glorious Italian genes, but I don’t do well with being fed a pile of bullshit, I honestly hope it is neither of those and just a good human trait, because we being at the bottom of the hill is fucked, and the people who work the most shouldn’t get the least of the benefit. My idea of how things should go is probably a little too… mmhm maybe balance for people to accept, but I’m still looking for that fuck to give, I swear its somewhere around here.

               The gym Friday came with a large pile of karma. I am not sure which blog it was last week, but I was talking about how we should just suck it up and get the workouts done, well I fell victim to having to change up the workout Friday. Friday’s are for deadlifts, which I have recently heard aren’t very good for you, but they make me feel some type of way…. I like to call it my “fuck you, pay me” mood. Basically, it’s just a lot of testosterone flow, which is fucking glorious. Friday’s workout included 3x3 pulls. So, I went heavy, because why the fuck not, and on my second set of 305, both hands had calluses rip, sorry for the shitty image, but its just what happened. The right hand isn’t anywhere near as bad as the left, which currently has a very pretty tape job over it to make sure no hospital germs get in there. The rest of the workout was fine, just totally annoying. It sucks when something gets in the way of finishing a ‘station,’ especially when it is one that you like. Maybe it’s time to get straps, because being a glove wearer at the gym, other than on my left hand for the time being, is something I would rather not be.

               Saturday was a good off day, some laundry got done, my cheat meal was wings and fries, love that, and I had a tasty burger, which I just realized I forgot to grab for lunch today, sometimes, my stupidity even surprises me. Something that I noted while I was enjoying my wings, is one of them kind of tasted like gogurt, which isn’t as off putting as I think it should be, I don’t think I will be getting them again, but still surprising.

               Yesterday was busy as all get out, I had baseball, which is my favorite. One of the guys I haven’t seen since last year asked if I had lost some weight, so that was a nice little bonus to getting to smack some balls, I should change that wording, but I can’t find that fuck to give anywhere. Another nice feel good moment was when someone’s dad in another cage stopped to watch me hit baseballs. It’s great when the sound of your bat hitting a ball can make someone turn their head, I kind of felt bad for the kid, but she just started talking to her friends. They didn’t seem to into being there on a Sunday afternoon. Then I stopped at Dick’s (the sporting goods store, not some random gentleman’s club,) bought the wrong kind of straps for dead lifts and went to the gym. Top tier workout on this Sunday. Especially since there were only about fifteen people in the gym. That’s such a great feeling, like I can go pretty much anywhere in the son of a bitch and be able to get on whatever machine I need. I did have a white glove on one hand though, MJ style in that bitch.

 Saturday I saw that I have been doing press wrong for about, I don’t know, the last five weeks, so I changed that up, and its going to skew the numbers at the end of the workout because my max is going to be a few pounds higher than it would have been just because I now know what the fuck I am doing, it’s the little things people. Edit: I burned over 1k calories this workout, much success 

 Random thought of the day, I wish I could eat sushi four times a week and not be threatened with mercury poisoning, because that shit is just good for the soul. Yes, I obviously had sushi this weekend. 

 Cheers

[tjp5]

Week 6 Day 2

I am having one of those instances where I must remember that I am writing this more for me than anyone that might be out there reading, no offense reader. I am probably going to start a baseball blog too. I think I will start it during my Florida Trip. My first experience with spring training is probably a good place to start.

               Anyway, back to yesterday. Nice tired Thursday. Let me tell ya, I was beat, just two straight days of low hour shitty sleep. It’s a struggle to do anything when tired, what you might not know, is that your body will struggle to help you in weight loss if you are tired as well. It is a shitty cycle. I think something that we are taught when we are young, and then completely ignore in our teenage years is the importance of sleep. I can remember times where a friend and I would stay up for hours and hours, then sleep for like 18 or 19 and then do it again. Then there were instances in college too, right? Whether it was getting all drunked up, or spending hours in a Uni building writing papers because me and one of my best friends decided that it was a good idea to write two twenty-five plus page papers the week, they were due. I was one of the people that would wait until two days before a paper was due to really get started on putting shit together. I love to write, honestly, it is one of my favorite things, and I am starting to realize I must like sleep deprivation, I donno. I probably should have realized that I enjoyed writing this much for the last five years. It probably would have helped in in a lot of different instances. Never ignore the things that make you happy, trust me. Unless like, they hurt someone else, then maybe don’t do that, yea?

               Getting back to what I am really writing this about, yesterday was all about the chest, my man tidday workday. Who wants man titties, not me friend. I had a bit of a setback, I think I may have minorly sprained m wrist when I fell on Monday, the fucking thing won’t stop hurting, Also I had bowling and baseball on back to back days, so my right arm was fatigued. Excuses are for the weak and undetermined though, or some bullshit, just think whatever will make us not decide to sit on the couch and ignore making ourselves better. So, the wrist makes push ups and bench dips really suck, I even taped it up before I went, because this isn’t my first sprain incident. I’m kind of clumsy, I have sprained my ankles probably forty times, and wrists considerably less, but probably in the ten neighborhood. My dad’s ex-wife, no not my mom, (don’t have enough time to get into that shit,) called me a graceful faller once, it was as close to a compliment I may have ever gotten in that situation…. Although she did compare me to the jolly green giant, and the jack and the bean stock story, I don’t remember that story too well though, and I’m not interested in investigating right now. The shoulder really fucked with some pushups, so it took me more sets than intended but I got them done. Had to do some dumbbell clean and press too, I bet my form was terrible, like Charles, but that makes me think that clean and press might be coming in some workouts soon, oh boy! This workout is motivating me to do more though, I have literally added cardio to this workout the last couple weeks, I don’t know what about kicking my own ass motivates me now, but I sure wish I was this way in my teenage years, I probably would have had some more success in certain things. But hey, that’s life, and that’s why the saying “we live, and we learn” exists. Something else it is doing, is making me inquire about some CrossFit gyms. In high school we were sent to Ironman warehouse, the instructor (https://www.vindy.com/news/local-news/2020/02/big-man-with-a-big-heart/), is one of the most amazing men that I have ever met, I went to return in college, and my fateful car accident stopped me from showing up, and so did my lack of workout motivation.  Anyway, I intended to go and get a workout in the last couple times I was home, I should have, because the gym is gone. I guess it was one of those instances I should have listened to my gut and went. But maybe I will end up being a CrossFit bro, who knows. If that does happen, and I start to call jumping rope ‘1 unders’ in casual conversation, slap my head, or probably jump roping in general. Workout took 69 minutes, some of the boys are probably going to read that at say ‘nice.’ 857 Cal burned. Much success

                 Diet wise, I found out that I am, in fact, not allergic to Pecans, I guess. I ate them and had no adverse reactions. That’s both relieving and scary at the same time. It’s like “YEAAA…. Wait, what the shit was I allergic too then.” I’ll tell ya what, I am not going back to that restaurant to find out. I had some of Grandma’s meatloaf…. Who the fuck decided “damn this beef is good, let’s make some bread out this muh fucker,” I mean I am not mad, but that’s a wild concept. It was walking taco day at the hospital, so I went and grabbed some of those ingredients to mix with the loaf and rice. Baller strategy if I do say so myself. Then for the evening, the ol’ faithful, rotisserie chicken, love that stuff man.

  Go get it on this Friday, Cheers.

[tjp5]

Week 6 Day 1

     After this week I will be halfway through this program, well, kind of. Since I am taking about a week off, and then adding a week at the end… if the last week doesn’t include max outs. Not going to lie, I have not really looked yet. I had a realization this morning, my dad instilled this intermittent fasting idea to me at a young age. He was telling me when I was young to just not eat after six at night, which would have roughly translated to a lighter form of intermittent fasting. Interesting shit there.                 Anyway, Wednesday has become painstakingly busy, by the time I got home last night….. I was done for. Literally showered and laid down, konked. It was a pretty successful day, I met a deadline two days early, and was very productive at work. The Gym was fantastic, leg days seem to be hit or miss at this point, which is annoying. I just kind of assume that they are going to be bad, but I was wrong. This week did not include squats, which was weird, but it was good. I hit the leg press up for the first time in a long time, and my back is pretty pissed about it at this point. I have no idea why my back hurts more from the leg press than it does with squats, but here we are, and it sucks. Side lunges, those also suck, I think it is because I need to stretch more… which I said I should do more of like three weeks ago, I haven’t. I think about it, then say I will do it after the workout and never really get there. I need to get over that speed bump, and get over it quickly.       

          I started wearing this fitbit again a couple weeks ago, love it, meeting my goals, and learning that I sleep like shit. Little insider information, I knew that shit already. I forgot that I could manually track my workouts with the watch, yesterday was the first time that I did this. The workout was about 55 minutes long, and I burned 842 calories. That’s good right? Also good to know, I think. Even if it is not, at least it is going to give me some kind of benchmark.               

  Once I got home from the gym I had to get home as fast as possible, and eat. I had a special treat in line for the night… I got to go to baseball practice again. I love that shit. I am a catcher on the ball field, I have been doing it since I was about nine or ten. Last night I got some bullpens, and that is more bullpens than I got all of last offseason. By two, because I only caught two. I really don’t know what I expected last year, just not catch and expect my legs to be okay with it. Let me tell ya, this workout program is making all of the difference. My legs were tired, but from the workout, not from moving around behind the plate. Baseball has been my happy place for a long time, and last night it helped me more than I could have imagined it would. I think we are going to have a good year, and that’s exciting. 

[tjp5]

Week 5 Day 7

Week Five is finished! How wonderful is that, pretty dope if you ask me. This week was the toughest by far. Honestly, it was the toughest week yet, and not because the workouts were extremely tough, but more because I was not in the correct mental state to be successful this week. Luckily, I was able to get around this and still get the workouts done. There have been a lot of times in my life where I would let this get in the way of what I am doing. There were a lot of times in my recent attempts to get in shape that I would let things like being tired, sore, under the weather, or mentally down get in the way of me going to the gym. I am happy that I have been more deidicated this time, but not as happy with the results that I am seeing on the scale. I don’t know what I really expect to see after five weeks but hey, here we are. It is kind of like going to class once before the midterm and finding success on the test. Might happen sometimes, but probably not too often.

 Anyway Tuesdays are for bowling, as I have said before.... aaaannnnnddd I bowled like shit. When I say shit, I mean it, I think this is one of the worst nights that I have had this year. Annoying, really annoying but hey there is another week coming. Just out here trying to win some money.

 The diet was compacted today, I had a meeting at one, and ended up not getting to eat until about three. I hit up chipotle, double meat, the only way to go. But then I had fish from arby’s – not the best, but I had some things going on, and only got to eat twice. It the little things I guess.

 It was an uneventful day, sorry for the short entry, but I am behind at work and have a busy night. I will fill you in with more tomorrow. Cheers

[tjp5]

Week 5 Day 5

I am going to start this off by saying that day 5 is probably the easiest of all of the days in the program. The only reason that this is the easiest of the days is because the cardio is not as difficult as the other days of the week. I’m not totally sure that it is by design or I am just not doing it correctly. Either way, I  am pretty good with it being a little easier. The upper body workout was a welcome gift though. Yesterday by clumsy ass decided that I needed to fall in front of about 100 different people, and I went down pretty hard. So, needless to say my legs weren’t working as well as they should have been. I honestly wonder if that is going to be something that I will have to deal with on Wednesday. Falling isn’t something that is new to me, I am famous for falling up the steps, and honestly just good at falling in general. I guess it is good to be at these type of things than I don’t know, good at losing weight. Which is a hell of a struggle.

Honestly, upper body is not one of the most fun things for me. I have detailed before, I struggle with Arm pump very easily. Thankfully yesterday did not get in my way, my shoulder tried, but like I said before, I am more interested in getting workouts complete than going higher in weight. My shoulders are never going to be my strongest point, just like losing weight is probably never going to be something that I am tremendously good at, but there is a plus side to this. Working harder to achieve the goal that I am looking for. They say that nothing worth it comes easy, well, when I meet my weight loss goal, it will feel a lot better than I have imagined it will. I do say when for a reason, and the reason is willpower. Honestly, if you sit there and just think that there is a possibility that you might fail, the chance that you fail increases. I am tired of chasing this goal, year in and year out, weight loss after weight gain after weight loss. There have only been two times that I have ever reached a weight loss goal… Once, was when I had Mono, the other time, was when it was my only hope of playing college baseball…. Which got pissed away when I got in a car accident and when I was cocky enough to believe that gaining my weight back would be possible. The car accident was the day that my life changed, and it led me on the path to where I am today, but it was my decisions after that, that caused a lot of the trouble that I faced after. All of these things led me to where I am now, and that has turned out pretty well. I am honestly very happy with my life right now, just not happy with my waist line.  -  Not sure how I  got here in a long ass paragraph, but that is what happens when you write from the soul, and not just plan on what to put in one of these things. Five weeks down, week six and then a vacation coming. I am thinking of doing a halfway point max out to see where I  have come in the last month and two weeks. We’ll see how that goes, I think it is a good idea to do that. I am going to need something to show me the progress, at least more than I am currently seeing.

[tjp5]

Week 5 Weekend

               Happy Valentines Day to you and yours! Yup, I’m late… No, I don’t really care. It’s the thought that counts…. Maybe. Idk Hakuna Matata that shit.

               So, Saturday is the off day of off days. I literally don’t have anything going on, it drags a little bit, but it is nice to not have anything on the radar for the day. Plus, I got to dog sit, fuck yea dogs. I dipped a little Saturday, I’ve gotten a lot of bad new in the last two weeks, and unfortunately it is all starting to catch up. I don’t feel like getting into that shit storm on here, I just don’t think it would be beneficial to write about it when its still bothering me three days later.

               Anyway, the apartment got cleaned, I had my cheat meal, which was Taco Bell… Do you remember the taco bell dog from the 90s? Maybe I’ll insert a gif here, maybe I won’t. Look at that, I did it, just for you. 

Anyway, I loved those commercials. Along with moving around to clean up the apartment, there were of course walks for the pupper, so I wasn’t totally a lazy ass Saturday. I tried to get my mind off things and play some games, but when the shit storm ensues, there isn’t much out there that will really take my mind off it, unless I just keep myself crazy busy. Which I did at work. It is kind of comical that when things are worse for me, I am a better worker. I don’t know, I guess it is just my way of ignoring all the heavy stuff.

               Yesterday was another day that was a little darker, unfortunately, and fortunately, things are coming to a head quicker than usual. I don’t know why this is, but who knows, maybe this rut won’t last as long. I need to invest in a scale. I don’t trust the scale at the gym, mainly because it moves like it was stuck in the molasses flood in Boston. Yes, that was a thing, check out this cool link (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Molasses_Flood) So I just don’t trust it. Plus, I am around the same weight I was, and my clothes are fitting way better than they were before. Literally, I don’t know what I would have ended up doing yesterday if it wasn’t for this program. It is getting me out of the problems that I am dealing with, even if it is only for about two hours.

               With the workout main workout was barbell press, funny story real quick. I stole someone’s phone…. Because I thought it belonged to someone else and was trying to be a good gym bro. Literally thought I was going to have to fight two dudes. But, they understood, and even apologized for putting their stuff on a machine they weren’t using. Some gym bros aren’t total douches. Anyway, Barbell press was easy this week. I was dragging ass, so I had one of the Reign energy drinks before the workout. I think that might have something to do with it, but it makes you feel good inside. The only thing that was bad about the workout was the fact that my shoulder seems to be acting up. So, when I had to do Cable Lat raises, my shoulder was literally not cooperating. I had to change the workout a little bit there so I could get the reps in. Although it is frustrating at this point, I am okay with getting the reps in, even if they aren’t exactly right. The Arnold press is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be, I don’t think that it is difficult because of the weight, but the motion causes my shoulder to tire out rather quickly. I don’t think this happened last week, but I can’t remember. The cardio for the day was good, I tossed out the burpees because I didn’t think I would be able to do the pushup motion along with everything else that I had to do. 18-minute AMRAP, I love that shit. Partly because its not running, I’m not a runner at the moment. Maybe I will learn to be, but let’s work on one thing at a time, eh? Also, make sure you read the workout before you start the workout, because my warmup was supposed to be four rounds, I did seven, at an 8 min AMRAP.  

               CHICKEN. Chicken and eggs have become a large part of my diet in the last two weeks. I don’t know if it is bad for me or not, but I enjoy it. A few months ago, I did a whole month without eating meat. I think I need to incorporate more plant-based meals into what I am eating. It’s a balance. I need to take a picture to see the progress that I have made, maybe tomorrow morning. Probably not.

 Cheers

[tjp5]

Week 5 Day 3

Well, when I  started this, my plan was to get at least six and a half hours of sleep per night. The last two weeks, I have not met that every day. For the first three weeks of the program I only missed a couple days. They say that sleep is one of the most important parts to losing weight. The truth is, sleep is something that I have been bad with for a long time. I  used to be a good sleeper, one of the best. I  miss those days. Well, yesterday, that was the least amount of time that I have slept since I started. I woke up randomly, ready for the day at 4:30, so, I  decided I  might as well get a morning gym session in. Like I said before, morning workouts tend to be my favorite. Fridays, I  think, have been the only day that I have done them so far in this program. The workout was very well, deadlifts were just as good as they have been, cardio included more deadlifts. So it was a good day in the gym.  I  am learning something new, that cardio does not just have to be on a stairclimber, elliptical, bike, or whatever. You can get just as much cardio out of working out, and that has changed things for me a lot. The first time that I lost a lot of weight I was doing two a days, and the workouts were really more cardio based than anything, so I should have realized that is what I needed. I got the workout done in a quick amount of time, which has been super difficult with how populated the gym has been. Things are a little better for me, and my self image issues right now, I really just wish that I could see my progress as I am right now compared to how I do most days. One of the downfalls of doing a program like the one I am, is the fact that I am not seeing results on the scale, I  didn’t go down this morning, because I figured I might as well weigh myself when I go tomorrow. When I weighed myself too early, I had only lost a few pounds, it is frustrating to me. I do realize that I am gaining muscle, so I will have to refer to the results from my clothes and that I can personally see. If you are going through what I am going through, remember, the scale is not the only thing that tells you you are losing weight. All the things that I previously mentioned, as well as the way you are feeling can tell you that you are making progress. So many things are coming easier to me since I started the program. I feel athletic again, its truly something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I  started wearing my fitbit again, and compared to when I was wearing it a year ago my resting heart rate is about ten beats per minute slower than it was before. I have to motivate myself to look past the scale and past what my mind decides to depict for myself. Its going to be a long road, but luckily, it hasn’t been too bumpy yet. 

[tjp5]

Week 5 Day 2

Here we are again, chest day. For those new to the blog, this is one of my most difficult days. We’ll get into that later. Anyway, it felt like it had been raining here in Pittsburgh for about ten days. Personally, I’m pretty tired of it, I would like some snow please. My mornings generally deal with some moving around, to the bus stop, through the hospital and usually, a nice tip that people ignore, I use the steps. I had gotten to a point about two months ago where the steps were seriously a struggle. Getting up a flight of steps winded is very frustrating in your twenties, and really a tell tale sign you should get your ass to work. Work is a bit chaotic lately, I find myself checking out often, which is both good and bad mentally. It’s frustrating that I can’t just get my shit done, and also relieving that I’m not dealing with all the shit that’s in front of me. My meal at work today included some fish and broccoli with ranch, unfortunately the fish was fried, and it tasted like dirt, but that’s what I get. Meal prep my friends, it’s important, and you pay for it when you skip it. Between work and the gym I had some coffee, a banana and pretzels. Just trying to get something in me for the sheer shit show I’m about to go to at the gym. Chest day is rough for me because of my labrum. I fucked it all up in high school, and at 15 didn’t tell my parents or coaches that I was in severe pain. Which is saying something, me and pain are not that friendly, I seem to have a pretty high threshold. But young me, and current me, are stubborn as shit. For chest I am doing well, I’m putting up 60/65s easy, which I could do before, but not for reps. I also had a nice moment with this beefy dude at the gym, without communicating he saw I needed the decline bench, and he could have moved to an incline, and we just switched. That’s gym harmony my friends, be courteous out there. The cardio seemed easy to me at first, but then you quickly realize that AMRAP will kick your ass, it’s not an if thing. I probably should have done more,  but at this point my days were catching up to me. Happy Valentine’s Day readers, although this day is fake, and filled with literally highway robbery for presents and flowers, I hope it treats you well. Eat well, drink well, and be happy. Cheers!