#had so many damn feels today
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maybe i'm sitting at my desk trying to write you a love letter. except maybe it hit me all at once and is too great, this affection i hold for you. a different shape altogether than what i'm used to. not fragile and desperate and loud and begging. it is strong and certain, quietly content. like wordlessly watching the sunrise on the shores of the great lakes. maybe it has no need to yell and clang for acceptance because it knows we're finally home.
#hippo rambles#had so many damn feels today#mostly around how quick i've spat out i love you's out of desperation to not be alone#it's very buck x.0 of me#but then i thought of you#and we say i love you all the time#and it's always true#but it's different#and so so quiet just lurking in the background#and just what the hell am i supposed to do with it all?
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love deluxe 💘
#yukako yamagishi#jjba#jojo#MY ART#ALMOST FORGOT TO TAG THAT#diamond is unbreakable#jjba part 4#jojo part 4#how many different ways can you say the same thing challenge#jojo's bizarre adventure#yknow after looking at this a while i started feeling like it. could be a phone background. well#and then i did actually turn it into a phone background#it works. fine. depending on where your notifs gather on your screen#YALL i pet a cat today. it was fucking glorious. one of the most on model looking cats i've ever seen in my life too#like if you image search 'beautiful cat' she would be it#ran my hands thru her fur and skritched under her chin when she raised her head. she was so sweet literally a perfect baby.#yeah i just really had to say that. if i wasn't so damn tired today i definitely would have loved it even more#if the stars align i may be able to see her again soon. she is the cat of someone i work with sometimes so perhaps lol
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this job search has me feeling so bitter and negative recently and i hate it so bad :((((((( plus i think spending so much time on tumblr is starting to affect me cause i find myself being needlessly mean or like overthinking the most random online discourse and it's not good for me!!!
#also looking at what my old classmates is up to did not help#plus got the most shittiest job offer today (for a job APPARENTLY a hr from me for 13/hr haha no)#so yeah............. god please give me a good paying job soon..... pls#i feel like recently ive been wrestling with the idea that im disappointing my younger self#like she had so many hopes and dreams#and here i am with barely achieving any of them :(#luna.txt#damn this is like the 5th vent post i made on here in the past 2 months aint it................ welp
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.Magenta.
#in a nut shell...#my whole team betrayed me minus 2#i was told and swore up and down that my absences related to disability were not an issue#come to find out that wasn't the case#there was resentment and everyone did a damn good job putting on an act and masking#i cannot begin to describe the kind of betrayal i am feeling#i believe in being transparent especially if you're part of a team of people who help others with mental health issues#i expressed many times that if my conditon caused inconvenience or problems then approach me and we can navigate around it together#i worked with these people for over 10 months and no one said a damn thing#i had no indication or inkling there was anything amiss even when i inquired before.#even my supervisor who was supportive and freely gave me and approved of time off lied to my face#and as a i handed in my belongings today everyone was ordered not to engage with me because on monday i utilized the chill space#aka the rage room after hours when the kids were gone because after getting interrogated by HR trauma from former work places came up#and with long covid stuff im still figuring out i needed a spot to vent#im not the only employee btw that used that room for personal raging everyone at some point has used it to either be contemplative#scream or toss punch and throw things so long as the kids are not on grounds we can do that#yet when i finally hit that point and want to decompress safely suddenly i am the dangerous monster#these people are supposed to be trauma informed#well trauma informed my ass#on a positive blessing i never have to work with these assholes ever again and i pray we never meet in public#its going to take a long time and a lot of healing before i think i will be able to trust people fully again#savage magenta#magenta is my vent word
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new therapist update. we just had our first session and she is AMAZING in every single way. i feel so fucking lucky
#purrs#i had a horrible couple hours earlier today so i am feeling shaken from that and it’s hard to process the goodness of that. but it was so#good. she matched my energy and we’ve been thru some of the same stuff and she validated me abt things i have never a) told anyone before b)#gotten validation about. so it was really good. im so lucky and so excited to work with her. and she even stayed on w me for an extra half#hour so i could answer all her questions thoroughly 🥹 i wish i wasn’t in so much pain that i can’t acually register how good that was now th#that im not in it but omg. i am so happy. also she kinda informally diagnosed me w trauma spectrum stuff and said that’s how we’ll approach#all my other stuff and she said she has so many ideas abt how to work w me and so much energy she was ready to take a power walk LOLLLL :’~D#she was the first person i found. i was immediately drawn to her. i was a little alarmed when she automatically assumed we would be working#together and also she spelled my last name wrong in the portal which DAMN it i forgot to tell her about omg. but yeah im so glad. it was#meant to be and she said so too. WAHHHHHHH 😭#now i just have to recover from this fucking breakdown which i might have another one of if redacted. LMFAO
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*threatens todd with a bat* there is a good game hidden beneath all this jank todd i can see it. why did you insist on adding all these empty planets everywhere todd? why?! why the forced focus on exploration when we already always wanted to explore your games without you forcing us?!
#saskia plays starfield#i had a lot of fun last night tbh#i started the uc questline and i was pleasantly surprised how the quests where written tbh#i had a lot of personal conversations with my companions which i loved! her background and some perk she has coming up during dialogue#i did the mantis quest which was awesome#just! yesterday was great#but today. god so many instances where i was just dissociating through them loading screens again#counting damn sheep until my protag finally managed to walk 8787m through an empty planet to reach some quest area.....#it feels like im doing work sometimes which is not good#just. there is so much where im like ''god i cant wait until there is a mod for that'' dunno man. rather would have bugs rn than that#the beginning is so slow and then it becomes good. just to be constantly disrupted by its flaws#and dont get me started how unfortunate it is that new atlantis is the central hub and first impression the player gets of the game#the blandest city i have encountered yet#there are just. a couple things where i just dont understand what toddy and co. where thinking#actually i do understand but i wish it was different. oh well#sorry about the rant if anyone is reading this lmaooooo#i just hope tomorrow will be a good starfield day again. i paid enough money for this damn game#just imagine how this game could be if it where all on one map like bethy games usually are. i cannot imagine i would rant about it
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#my peculiar wife#i'm not rewatching speaking of sex atm i just found this in the vaults (my screenshot folder)#then again i might rewatch it today because i feel like shit and seeing him in such a..... state..... might improve matters#at least yesterday wasn't a total bust#and by that i mean i actually had a decent day yesterday which i haven't been able to say in ages#i left my cave and went to an estate sale where an incredibly attractive middle aged gentleman with silver hair let me have#these two big wooden roll top boxes full of cassettes (many of which are sealed blanks!) for five bucks.....#i haven't gone through them thoroughly yet but it looks like there's a lot of early appalachian gospel#can't go wrong there.........#the man kept calling me sir#sometimes it baffles me that i “”“pass”“” these days because my hair is so damn long and i keep my face clean shaven#so that's nice#with how depressed i've been sometimes i hate to acknowledge when i have a decent day or even a decent moment#because i almost superstitiously feel it will act as a magnet for my depression to swoop in and feed on it#and out of that fear my depression has developed this sort of..... personified stubbornness#where i both consciously and unconsciously avoid what might allow for an opening for “decent moments”.. pleasure.. joy.. whatever might#might grant me relief from pain even just for a moment etc#i don't know what i'm trying to describe here all i know is i feel trying to announce or acknowledge any sort of happiness i experience#feels like i'm directly endangering it#my brain is too scattered right now to try to articulate anything and i don't know why i'm doing so in the tags of a photo of#my peculiar wife james spader#just trying to exist again and not let myself be a hermit to the extent of harold smith which is very much the path i've been on for a long#long time#and i'm chipping away at that nonexistence in strange ways but chipping away nonetheless.......
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You know, sometimes when you reach a low that is lower than your previous lows, that is when you realize you need to change your life and get some help
#i reached a bad low these past few months. i stopped taking my medication because i felt like it wasn't working so i just stopped.#also it was giving me a lot of bad side effects so i just couldn't keep going with that one#but i also refused to go back to the doctor to get a different one#my therapist also went on vacation so i had nothing for almost two months. and i started to tell myself i wouldnt go there anymore because i#didnt want to#but last night. the bone tiredness i was feeling because of a busy long day + insomnia + a cold im currently fighting + my damn period#all of that made me realize how fucking bad ive been feeling and i reached out to my therapist today. and ill go see the doctor soon.#gi talks#bear with me. i might disappear from tumblr for a while for my mental health. i've done it before and it helped a lot. tumblr is my escapism#but escaping your own life too many times can be extremely harmful to you
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okay dont get me wrong, i dont think FFXIV is a bad game, but as a long-time GW2 player, I am constantly baffled at how FFXIV is considered a superior MMO. like im still gonna play FFXIV because I am, for the most part, enjoying myself enough to justify the cost of the subscription. but damn, i really think GW2 has spoiled me.
like, the only major thing that FFXIV has a leg up on compared to GW2 is the social aspects, like going to venues or finding folks to talk to, which is one of the things the game is (in)famous for. but at that point, its not the game drawing me back in, so much as the fact that it has a large enough community to support a thriving digital nightclub scene.
#kanny says things#gw2#ffxiv#sorry if this is like. a controversial opinion.#but ive been having some pretty Rough(tm) experiences while playing FFXIV's story quests lately#that ive never had in GW2 at any point#there are definitely things FFXIV does better dont get me wrong#the crafting and gathering minigames are more interesting and the glamour dresser system is great (though i wish they'd add more slots)#but i swear its like... so many mechanics in FFXIV feel... /hostile/ to the player#and thats on top of the players themselves being hostile too#getting real tired of queueing up with egotistical mentors with sticks so far up their asses that they make the seattle space needle blush#social community? pretty damn good. ive made a lot of friends at the venues and nightclubs ive gone to in ffxiv#the actual game itself? i must have the worst luck in the world or something. i reported SIX separate people today for toxic behavior#and i only ran 3 dungeons today. so let that sink in for a bit.
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Just had a very career path reassuring moment. Having a moment of ease and excitement about the future. 🥰🖤
#I was given the opportunity to edit for one of my very lovely friends#after getting my bachelor's degree my dream job is to become a novel editor#beyond my own pieces of writing and the fact that I seem to find errors in most the novels I read I don't get many opportunities to edit#like everything is mine or just something no one actually asked for my input on#so to be able to look at a real piece of writing today and get to be nitpicky about it felt so good#it also helps that the writing was of great quality#back in high school I was constantly offering to edit people's essays and damn did that writing suck lol#it was so fun for me to fix though#today I really didn't fix anything. it was already great! I just had a couple little notes.#but guess what!? it was still such a fulfilling experience#I am feeling so excited about the future right now#editing is exhilarating!!#ahh I can't wait to make a career out of it one day#btw Kelsey whenever you see this ILY!!#ashley rambles
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In my depressed era again <3
#for literally no reason ugh i hate it i hate it i hate it#probably a bad mix of overthinking and lovesickness again but what's new#i figured out why i like to do stuff until late at night until i fall asleep lol it's because i don't wanna be left alone with my thoughts#i guess that's why i could go such a long time without you know what... i always had lots of schoolwork to do and didn't have much time to-#-think about this kind of shit and once i don't have anything to do anymore i found myself in bed with a bleeding arm lmao#also let's call this my 'everyone i know hates me and my best friends despise me the most' era#still gonna stay up two more hours because i'm like a damn puppy who waits excitedly for their favorite person to come home from work#at this point i should maybe write all this shit in a diary but like. you know how my rambling posts start so y'all can just ignore#tldr i'm feeling like shit and i can't promise that i won't do something stupid again#i'm just too hung up on things that happened weeks ago but like what if it isn't actually ok now#also i know i'm too clingy and possessive with people i'm really close to but it's just my abandonment issues :(#and i know i fucked things up with other people (friendships and relationships) way too many times so i'm putting all i have into this one#still i feel like it's too much and too little at the same time idk i just Know when i really like someone and then i don't wanna lose them#but at the same time i often drive them away with my excessive love and attention because certain people are like some addiction to me#ok no that's too much already for now sorry#anyways i'm sobbing and shaking and feeling terrible and guilty#oh and unrelated but i nearly got run over by a car today 👍🏻 fucking hate drunk small town students in a mcd's parking lot#mel talks#tw self harm
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feeling misery and despair about going back to work btw. im trying to suppress it and i did a good job but the inevitable is inevitable
#purrs#i had like 3 massive breakdowns at the end of the week incl one on friday when i was off. and then i was like ok. i am literally weak and sh#shaking from all of that let me just pretend none of it happened. and i did!!! i pretended so well that i have felt basicslly normal all#weekend. i played a lot of video games and i even went out twice.. once to a chorus concert on campus (which is big bc being on campus ummmm#is deeply agitating to me rn ♥️) and today to home depot w my family to wander around the plants and hear the birds. i am suppressing things#and i know i am but if i don’t think about thst i feel so normal. except now it’s 11:16 on a sunday night and i have work tomorrow. and i#know most of the horrors are over but there are still so many more fucking horrors ahead. saying goodbye to people i love and anniversaries#of things happening including today being the 4 year anniversary of a certain email lol. and i can FEEL the difference. the way my stomach#is in knots bc weekends are only so long (even long ones) and i can only hold back the horrors for a little while. it’s all temporary. augh.#i literally need like a whole month off i think. idk. work stuff has fucked up my mental health beyond belief this year and it’s so sad bc t#this is my dream job but im in so much mental pain and physical exhaustion constantly and they beget themselves and by the end of the week#im miserable. but the semester is about to end. but what if it doesn’t get better bc EVERY single god damn time we talk about how it’s gonna#get better it quite literally gets worse lol 💖 i can’t im not strong enough. coming up on 5 years here and im not fucking strong enough!#but i will heal eventually i think. i just need the horrors to cease for long enough for me to catch my breath (and other redacted things ♥️
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was marveling at how many new species i’ve added for my patch this year and thinking “that’s weird… i hammered it just as hard in past years…” only to check ebird and realize the most times i’d ever gone in a previous year was 38 and i’ve been 62 times so far this year and it’s only October 😂😂
#like. lmaoooooooooo#part of that is because i went throughout the summer this time and i didn’t add any new species then#so i feel like luck and skill STILL play a pretty significant part here#but like. Damn. lol…#i wonder if ANY other person in this state can say they’ve been to one spot 62 times this year…#truly getting into patch birding was the best thing i’ve EVER done#i’m OBSESSED with this place while simultaneously knowing that it doesn’t actually matter at all#i’m literally ONLY in competition with myself here#and meanwhile i’ve put this place on the map and have a whole gaggle of new friends now bc i’ve attracted them there with my reports#it’s insane#literally nearly 25% of ALL the checklists for this place are mine 😂😂#i love it so much#the real question is: how many more new species can i add by the end of the year?#optimistically i’d say there’s potential for five or so depending on how much hawkwatching i’m able to get in#but 1-3 is probably more likely#WE SHALL SEE!!!!!!!!!!#i’ve already broken my record for ‘most new species added in one year’ as of today!!#which is impressive considering the fact that once i add a species - i can’t add it again - so repeats don’t count#i’ve just had some REALLY good luck this year istg…#but i’m proud of myself#and i’ve gained the respect of a bunch of the old-timers which is also fantastic
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realizing how different I am to the average person I guess
#didnt think this was that weird tho.... but i suppose its why i havent dated in years#so my one friend dates a Lot lol shes always dating someone new (and honestly good for her idk how she found so many dates in this town)#but today we were talking about My Guy and she was like 'so do you guys have things in common?' like. genuinely asking.#babe. we went on 2 dates and have been talking for 2 weeks of course we have common interests....#are u dating people u have nothing in common with??????#then later she told me what was going on with her last guy and i just was like.#damn i dont think Anyone is at fault here but you guys clearly dont mesh so why do u keep trying this relationship 🥴#but whatever!!! i wont judge her she can do what she likes!! i just want her to be happy and not moping over Some Guy#anyways. i knew my approach to dating was different but god#like i could never just 'go on a date#i need to get to know someone first#we got to know each other for a full week before we went out and there was another full week of getting to know each other before we#went on a second date#(todays our third date 🥰🥰🥰🥰)#but its just been nice that we already kinda knew each other for almost a year thru the store#and then started to chat a bit before we matched#and then had a couple weeks and dates to get to know each other before we kissed#and like. i know i struggled a lot with understanding the difference between romantic and platonic attraction#but if its romantic it does seem to just. Work. and feel Right#my platonic/romantic mixups (ive had 3 big ones) whenever i tried making them romantic felt so forced and wrong#its like. we are getting to know each other in a non romantic specific way but we also know we will probably#end up dating since we met on tinder and not somewhere else 🥲#anywaysssss#i think im just. whatever that one sexuality is where u need to establish a STRONG connection before u csn actually have#like. romantic feelings/trust/etcetc
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i had a good day today
#i woke up to the sun today#breakfast cereal tasted real good today im not sure what changed ive been having the same cereal eversince i was five anyways#i got all my exam prep for the day done (eventhough i was having trouble focusing and feeling super sensitive to sounds)#i had lemon tea‚ kimchi ramen and so many glasses of water all at once today#kimchi ramen was so good i can still taste it in my throat but that damn tea was bitter ugh in a nice way tho#i gave stranger things a try with my aunt and sister during dinner natalie dyer is so pretty#ended the day with another hour of studying and a book im really enjoying reading rn#munched a few ice cubes too i still have a runny nose#both of sides of my pillow feel perfect today and i got my unnecessarily large beige blanket i use all year round back so its warm#jungkook went live today and it was raining where he was so it was basically rain + fireplace asmr with his voice so comforting#spent a part of the evening listening to iu her voice does things to me i cant stop smiling#i think i had a good day today#s.
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