#haha yea im in a lot of pain lmao so no one fully takes u seriously even tho ur saying something fucked up

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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[heartspac-e]

2.8.2021 (christina)

omg this past week was crazy

classes/grad school - I got into this Natural Language Processing class that is at the same time as life group, but I was like oh I can just do it asynchronously. but wow this professor is confusing during his lectures. and he never mentions code or do any live demos but for the homeworks, we need to code everything from scratch and i can’t use any of the packages that I’m used to. such a pain the booty. im debating dropping it. it’s just hard catching up because i’m already a couple weeks late and the timing is just rough/always feeling behind, there’s not enough office hours, poorly structured class. anyways, that also made me rethink grad school as a whole. normally people go back to grad school because they know clearly what they want to get out of it so they take classes geared toward their interests but i’m just kinda here because this program was really convenient to get into and get out of the way and my parents were reallyyyy pushing it.. more on this later. i spent the entire weekend just staring at my assignment and listening to every indian man on youtube explain these concepts to me but im still so lost. i think i place a lot of worth on being able to “succeed” and always meet the goals and standards that others (parents) place on me and that I place on myself. but i need to remember that if i drop a class, it doesn’t mean i wasn’t smart enough for it or that im just generally incompetent lmao. 

relationships - this guy from harvest told me he liked me. and i was shOCKED. we’ve been friends for a couple years but i never saw this coming. i wish i liked him like he’s an amazing guy. even my roommate was like smh he deserves better HAHA but i just feel so platonic about it. i’ve given it a week.. i’ll probably message him soon to tell him no. 

parents - this week has revealed to me a lot of the hurts that i feel from my relationship with my parents. i know they want the best for me and i don’t wanna invalidate because i know it fully and feel it fully. BUT just because the things they do/say are always presented in the light that they want the best for me doesn’t mean that it isn’t sometimes kinda toxic or at least leads me to have toxic thoughts. im planning on taking freedom class to work through some of these things. but yea ive been trying to work on a better relationship with my parents so i thought i’d be more open about what’s going on in my life so i told them about the guy and they were SO adamant about me saying yes without even asking me about my thoughts first. and i was like bruh i’m gonna be the one dating him. not u. so pls chill. i think the things that they were saying just made me feel like they don’t see my worth and it’s like wow if you don’t say yes, no guy is ever gonna like u again and ur just gonna be single forever. i know that’s not true but yea still hurt by how they handled the news. also the way they handled when i told them about the class that im having a hard time in.. like i just wanna be happy and have a chill semester. and it feels like they have this mentality or imparted this mentality that if im not internally dying and stressed all the time that im not doing enough. and the past 7.5 years, i’ve just dealt with it because being a type 3 enneagram, meeting their expectations gave me a sense of accomplishment/success. but i wanna figure out what i want in life not just follow what they want for me. it’s such a common pattern and im so fed up. yea honestly the past couple days were pretty sad just thinking about these things. 

spiritually - something im learning is that circumstantially, i can be struggling but that doesn’t necessarily mean i need to be struggling spiritually. im thankful right now coming out of the fast and being really disciplined with devos, i wanna continue that and i know and trust that God’s voice is different from my parents’ voices. That his love isn’t conditional on me meeting certain expectations or measures of success. I’m loved for who I am. for who He created me as. for who He’s been shaping me to be and continuing to shape me to be. as i’m growing, i want to know more of God’s word to be rooted in that and not find security in just doing what my parents think is the best. i want what i want in life to be aligned with what God wants for me no what others corner me into. even though i’ve technically made certain decisions about my future as of now in terms of career and grad school.. i trust that He still has so much more in store for me and i’m just gonna take it step by step and overthink about the future. like i dont see this as oh i’ve made it like this is what i’ve graduated college for but more as just a stepping stone.