#have an ex funnyman to help you out

[ravenquingvax]

I'm never gonna properly write for it, but I keep imagining this AU where Percy is an ex-gang member of Vecna's gang.

Maybe Percy killed someone important to Vecna or he stole money, idk, but he's on the run and shit comes back to bite him in the ass.

(This has been inspired by the song "You Can Run" by Adam Jones, btw, as I've had it on repeat for 2 days now)

So uh, here, I guess. Feel free to take this and make into something more solid -

Percy comes from a wealthy family that went into debt. To try and help his parents, Percy looks for work and finds himself being recruited into a gang ran by an intimidating man known only as Vecna.

Vecna's right hand woman, Delilah Briarwood, and her husband, Sylas Briarwood, take a quick likening to Percy and introduce him to their adoptive daughter, Anna.

Anna and Percy make fast friends, until one day Percy catches Anna betraying the gang's plans to another gang.

Percy confronts her alone, thinking he can handle it, but a fight breaks out and Anna gets shot in the abdomen.

Percy panics, trying to stop the bleeding, but Delilah walks in and all hell breaks out.

Percy has to run and he does, running faster than he ever has before in all his life.

He moves to a different city, laying low and doing odd jobs to keep himself afloat.

One day he runs into Keyleth, a young florist struggling to make ends meet, being harassed by some idiot. He defends her, quite publicly too, and is spotted by one of Vecna's many members.

And thus, Percy accidentally gets Keyleth targeted by Vecna's gang.

Cue Vax'ildan, Keyleth's boyfriend and also a former gang member (who also left on bad terms with his old boss) turned tattoo artist, chasing Percy down thinking he's put a hit out on Keyleth.

When he realises Percy's situation, tho, he feels like helping the poor bastard out. He knows what this is like.

Through this, Percy meets Vax's sister and an esteemed defence attorney, Vex'ahlia.

Soon, the men after Keyleth disappear mysteriously and things calm down for Percy.

Percy falls hard for Vex, fast, while she and Vax help him change his identity and disappear from Vecna's gaze.

Percy becomes a mechanic, becomes friends with the twins and Keyleth as well as his fellow mechanics, Grog, Tary and Pike, even with Pike's husband Scanlan.

Life gets really good;

Percy & Vex start dating, Vax & Keyleth get engaged and Taryon gets a boyfriend.

But then Percy slips up somehow, takes the wrong driver's license while out one day running errands and one of Vecna's spies see it, call it in.

Percy is followed home.

Then, during the night, Percy and Vex wake up to several armed intruders who don't seem to like Percy very much.

"Percy... Friends of yours?"

"Friends isn't the word I'd use."

Then Vecna swaggers in, grinning, baseball bat in hand.

Percy feels his world crashing down around him as he and Vex are manhandled out of bed to be tied up by Vecna's men.

"Percival, long time no see, it's been a while."

"I was hoping it'd stay that way, personally."

"Ahah, oh, dear Percival, quite the funnyman as always."

Then the baseball bat just narrowly misses Percy's face, crashing into the bed behind him instead, Vex screams.

"Don't mistake this as a social call, my friend, this is but business. No, you know exactly what I'm here for."

Vecna steps near Vex.

"Leave Vex out of this! It's me you want, not her!"

"Ah, but such a pretty thing, just like her brother... Would be a shame if anything happened to either of them, no? The boy just got engaged, didn't he?"

"Leave my brother out of this, you bastard!"

Vex's demand met only by laughter, her anger outweighing her fear.

Percy, shaking, terrified for his girlfriend and her twin, for all of their friends-

"What do you want?! I'll do whatever it is, just leave my family out of it!"

"Ah, ever the smart man, Perce! You took something of mine, however, so I must take something of yours... Insurance, to make sure you cooperate, you could say..."

"We don't have much in the way of money or valuables-"

"Ah, but I'm not after things of material value, Percy. No. I want you to have some... Motivation! You know... To do as I say, when I say?"

"Please, leave Vex out of this, I'm begging you!"

Percy, scared for his love, scared of what Vax would do if she got hurt because of him-

"Ah, but she's not it either, as I already have my insurance, Percival - Though, a matching set would fetch a far prettier price should you fail to live up to expectations, my boy."

"No! Leave Vax alone!"

"He killed my men, it's only fair I take him as punishment."

Percy hadn't know what Vax had done back then to save his sorry ass, but he feels sick knowing Vax did what he did because of him.

And hearing the devastation in Vex's voice is the final nail in Percy's coffin here, knowing Vax's life is in danger now.

"Alright! Alright! Whatever it is, I'll do it! Just please, don't hurt Vax! Or anyone else!"

Vecna laughs.

"A little late for that, your good friend put up quite the fight and my men may of had a little fun beating him down."

"You bastard! I'll kill you!"

"Oh, Vex'ahlia darling, I'd like to see you try, my girl."

"You fucking asshole!"

Percy, staring in horror at Vex as she hollers and shouts at Vecna, threatening the man.

Vex, furious and shaking, thrashing around to escape.

Vecna just keeps laughing.

"Maybe I'll keep the boy as my personal punching bag, or I could sell him to the highest bidder? What do you think?"

"I think you're making the biggest mistake of your life!"

"Or perhaps I can hand him to the Briarwoods, what do you think, Percy? Maybe that would take their minds off of you murdering their sweet Anna. Sylas has been wanting a pet to play with and Delilah could use another lab rat"

And Percy goes pale.

"She didn't make it?"

"What else is it did you think I meant by you taking something from me? The girl was smart and promising, Perce, the loss is felt."

"I didn't want to kill her, I swear! But she was up to something! I needed to know what it was!"

"Are you suggesting that a long standing and much trusted family member was planning on betraying her family and her gang? Oh, Percival..."

And Vecna shakes his head, tutting and sighing.

"I thought you were smarter than that."

"I'm telling the truth!"

Percy can't look at Vex right now, can't think of what she must be feeling right now.

Everything he's worked for, ruined in minutes.

"Well, in any case, you still owe me a favour... Unless you'd rather we just get this over with and I have Sylas execute the brother instead?"

"No!!"

And Percy balks.

"No! No! Leave him alone! I'll do whatever it is you want!"

"Good, because I really do like that boy, he has fire in him."

"Just... What is it? What must I do to make this go away?"

"I have a friend, a fellow by the name of Orthax, and he's been crossed by some folks... He needs them taken care of."

"You want me to become an assassin for you?"

Percy feels sick.

Vex is gaping in horror.

"It's just 8 people, Percy, and then this is all over."

"You can promise that?"

"I can guarantee it, my friend, and I never break promises."

"Who are they?"

"In due time, in due time... Now, we're going to untie you before we go, please don't do anything... Rash. I'd hate to have to kill you or your beloved, or her brother at that."

Percy and Vex tense, but stay quiet and let themselves be untied, staying still.

"Good, excellent. I'll leave the list on your dresser along with your new gun... Orthax made it just for you, be appreciative."

"Do I have a time limit?"

"Let's say... You have two weeks, then I'll give away the brother to either my best people or to the highest bidder - Depends on how I'm feeling on the day, you understand?"

"It'll be done before then, I can assure you that."

"So they all say, Percival."

And with that, Vecna and his men start to leave, but then Vecna pauses at the doorway.

"Oh, and, Percy? Don't trying running away again - I mean, I don't mind it, run all you like... But just remember, you can't hide. I'll always find you."

"Trust me, I'm aware."

"Good... Have a good night."

And with that, the couple are left kneeling on their bedroom floor, crying and shaking.

Percy stands first, heading for the list and weapon.

Vex stands next, sitting on their bed, fuming silently.

Then Percy gags and drops the list before running out.

"Perce?"

She gets up, swallowing.

Who did Percy have to murder just so Vax wouldn't be killed or whatever? How bad was it?

Who was to be killed in change for Vax's very life?

She bends down and picks the sheet of paper up, turning it over and reading the names;

Frederickstein de Rolo

Johanna de Klossowski

Julius de Rolo

Vesper de Rolo

Oliver de Rolo

Whitney de Rolo

Ludwig de Rolo

Cassandra de Rolo

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, January 18

You can now buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Bill and Hillary Clinton 

Page 2: Katie Holmes’ friends are warning her to wise up about her hot-tempered beau Emilio Vitolo Jr. after he went on a profanity-laced rant -- Emilio’s been in an edgy mood over his family New York City restaurant losing money while they’re forced to stay closed because of the pandemic and he’s definitely let his nice guy mask slip and it’s affecting their relationship and everything was all peaches and cream before but now it’s strained and difficult at times -- Emilio showed his ugly side when he raged against New York Governor Andrew Cuomo for shutting down indoor dining on his Instagram Stories 

Page 3: Tom Cruise’s chemistry with his latest Mission: Impossible co-star Hayley Atwell has spilled over to real life but it’s no surprise because the British beauty is the mirror image of Tom’s ex-wife Katie Holmes and Tom deliberately hunted down a Katie clone to be his on-screen leading lady and Hayley is everything Tom is looking for in a partner and more -- physically Katie was Tom’s definition of total perfection which is brunette with an athletic build and he’s been quietly looking for a girlfriend for some time who had the features he loves which is brown hair and a squarish jaw and hazel eyes

Page 4: Stressed-out and scandal-scarred Ellen DeGeneres in binge eating her way toward an early grave and Ellen is burying her sorrows by bingeing on junk food and milkshakes -- she’s packed on 30 pounds in 30 days after Kelly Clarkson beat her in the ratings for the third week in a row -- Ellen is convinced the world has turned on her and hides in her dressing room and locks herself in her bedroom and eats until she can barely breathe and it’s the only thing that gives her any comfort these days and the results speak for themselves because she’s bursting out of her clothes 

* Radio shock jock Howard Stern has blasted back at former staffers who painted him a cheap and petty monster -- the King of All Media said at the end of night he sleeps fine 

Page 5: Concerned mom Andie MacDowell is fearing for the safety of her starlet daughter Margaret Qualley after she was caught canoodling with accused abuser Shia LaBeouf -- no one can understand why she’d be with this guy after he’s been accused of such horrible things and Andie is beside herself with worry and she fears Shia may have staged his PDA with her daughter to polish his tarnished image 

Page 6: TV couple Chip and Joanna Gaines have prepped for the reboot of their wildly popular Fixer Upper reality show by undergoing extensive renovations on their looks and they spared no excuse in getting personal makeovers for the show’s return -- they are splurging on trainers, stylists, new clothes, designer makeup, at-home spa days and pricey hairstyling plus other indulgences

Page 7: Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani have called of their spring wedding plans after they were caught on camera in a vicious street fight -- they’ve been fighting about everything since they got engaged and all that tension finally exploded in a brutal screaming match -- the ruckus erupted over groomzilla Blake’s feeling that Gwen has given him little support after he’d spent endless hours and millions of dollars planning their over-the-top nuptials and after all his plans Gwen suggested they simply elope and Blake blew his stack -- Blake was already bristling because Gwen seemed more focused on jump-starting her career than their wedding plans 

* Jennifer Lopez recently confessed she and retired slugger Alex Rodriguez are mulling never getting married after benching their wedding plans amid the coronavirus crisis and she’s been spotted without her engagement ring 

Page 8: Barbra Streisand and James Brolin have bounced back from the brink of a $400 million divorce and now they’re even talking about making a movie together with Babs feeding him directing tips -- they’ve had their ups and downs but they’re getting a second wind and believe doing a project together will give their relationship the kick-start it needs -- James has seen his career revitalized with his role in the sitcom Life in Pieces and directing several TV movies and his recent success is pretty exciting to both of them -- James’ dream is to direct a big-budget feature starring his son Josh Brolin and Barbra wants to help him realize that goal 

* Barely a year after leaving Britain broke and beaten Meghan Markle has regained her Markle Sparkle with Hollywood flooding the former D-list actress with movie scripts and big-bucks deals  -- the wife of Prince Harry is savoring her triumph as Hollywood’s newly crowned queen and thumbing her nose at the royals -- since leaving the cable TV drama Suits Meghan has missed acting and now she’s looking for the right big-screen project to relaunch her career 

Page 9: Sex and the City is on track for a reboot only this time without black-sheep cast member Kim Cattrall -- Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis are all reuniting for what Sarah has called a revisit of the hit series -- Kim who has had widely publicized spats with series star and producer Sarah over the years has complained about the fan backlash she received for bowing out of a third Sex and the City movie follow-up 

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Tiger Woods hit the links at a Florida tournament with son Charlie, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen walked hand-in-hand during a hike with pals in St. Barts, Pete Davidson took a stab at knitting, Paris Hilton with white roses 

Page 11: Bill Cosby is refusing to shower with his fellow prisoners because an outbreak of COVID-19 in the SCI Phoenix prison has caused the fallen funnyman to steer clear of the showers

* Martha Stewart turns 80 in 2021 but the scrappy senior’s been working her farm like an energetic 20-year-old -- the domestic diva has been riding out the pandemic at her 153-acre farm in Upstate New York but she’s doing anything but taking it easy as she’s up early milking cows, shoveling snow and even chopping wood for the fireplace and she hasn’t ignored her Martha Stewart Living lifestyle empire 

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Ryan Seacrest personally tapped Billy Porter as his co-host on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve because Ryan is Billy’s biggest fan 

* Kanye West and televangelist Joel Osteen have parted ways -- Joel loves the spotlight as much as Kanye but he wasn’t prepared for the backlash after they were criticized for their walking-on-water stunt and that was when things started to sour 

* The Kardashians’ new show on Hulu promises to spark even more controversy as it will show a much more X-rated version of the family 

* New Bachelor Matt James gets in a round of golf near his home in Jupiter, Florida (picture) 

Page 13: Michael Douglas was over the moon after becoming a grandfather again at 76 and has big plans for the Douglas family dynasty -- reformed bad-boy Cameron Douglas and longtime partner Viviane Thibes welcomed son Ryder nearly three years after their daughter Lua -- making him a grandfather again is the greatest gift Cameron could have given his poor old dad and Michael hopes he loves to be 103 like his dad Kirk Douglas so he can watch Lua and Ryder grow up 

* Reba McEntire’s new beau Rex Linn is a junk food junkie and she’s worried he’s digging his own grave with a knife and fork -- Reba loves Rex and he’s the sweetest guy in the universe but it’s just troubling the way he eats everything in sight -- Reba’s worried he’ll be six feet under if he doesn’t change his ways soon and she’s desperate for him to lose 25 pounds and she’s determined to put him on a sensible mostly vegetarian diet but Rex keeps sneaking chips and sweets when he thinks she’s not looking 

Page 15: Four years into their brutal divorce battle Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are entering into a new custody battle this time for their pets -- the fractured couple’s clash over their five youngest children remains at a standstill as Angie refuses to budge on her demand for full custody -- while Brad continues to battle for shared custody of the kids he’s now making moves to ensure he has equal time with their critters as well -- Angie’s house is full of animals many of which Brad helped choose and raise and while he doesn’t want full-term custody of them he’d like to at least have them accompany the kids when they visit because Brad has noticed the children miss their pets when they’re with him and he wants to rectify that and he thinks they’ll want their visits to be longer if they have their pets with them 

Page 16: Scandal-tarred Prince Andrew faces a shocking new investigation into how he lives like a billionaire despite being cut off from British taxpayer funds -- the disgraced playboy stripped of royal duties in 2019 over his involvement in the Jeffrey Epstein sex scandal has no steady stream in income to explain his lavish lifestyle of private jets and ski chalets and luxury cars -- but Randy Andy has apparently been secretly trading on his blue-blood roots to sponge off Arab princes and score lucrative deals with shady tycoons and cash-rich international oligarchs like Qatar’s Minister of Economy and Trade Sheikh Mohammed Bin Ahmed Althani and Secretary General Issa Abu Issa -- a probe of his financial dealings could see Andrew further shamed and banished from the royals forever 

Page 19: Taylor Swift’s heady brew of mysticism in her new album Evermore has fans wondering is Tay Tay a witch -- in a music video for her song Willow she pursues a magical glowing thread through an enchanted forest and joins in with a witchy circle of cloaked revelers -- Wiccans are rushing to embrace her but others are wondering whether Taylor’s interest in witchcraft is merely to boost sales 

Page 22: Devastated Lisa Marie Presley struggled through Christmas as the heartbroken mom is still coming to terms with the suicide of her only son Benjamin Keough -- her holiday was somber after she wasn’t included in her mom Priscilla Presley’s holiday plans -- Lisa Marie arranged to spend one night at Graceland to be with Ben at his final resting place 

Page 26: Health Watch 

Page 34: Kat Von D has made herself at home in a haunted house -- she left L.A. with her husband Leafar Seyer to give their son a more normal environment and instead they wound up in a seven-bedroom Victorian mansion in rural Vevay, Indiana that has 13 fireplaces and a local reputation as a retreat for ghosts 

Page 36: Grateful Dead fans have been dying violent and mysterious deaths for decades sparking fears the hippie band’s superfans are being targeted by a bloodthirsty serial killer 

Page 38: John Mulaney chatted up young girls on sex sites and sent nude selfies that suggested he was doing cocaine before checking into rehab -- the married star decided to get help after girls who partied with him online threatened to expose how he’d broken his 15 years of sobriety 

Page 40: Garth Brooks confessed his life in lockdown with wife Trisha Yearwood hasn’t been in perfect harmony because he’s driving her bonkers with his nonstop whistling 

* Hollywood Hookups -- Joe Giudice showed off his new squeeze who is a lawyer, Tyler Perry and Gelila Bekele split, Ariana Grande and Dalton Gomez engaged 

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Duchess Kate Middleton in 2020 

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- Tichina Arnold and Beth Behrs on the sitcom The Neighborhood 

Page 47: Odd List -- two months after hoofing it from a New Jersey slaughterhouse a runaway goat was captured and given a new lease on life according to the animal rescue that snagged the fleet-footed critter, a Texas man helped his boss turn the page on an old debt by settling his 48-year-old library fine as a joke 

[wasteteeth-beanjuice]

Ok serious wasteland moment this is fucking rare so enjoy it pissfuckers.

Jesus fucking crust 2020 is almost fucking over and....yeah what the hell, This year has been a wholeass character arc for me and i met alot of badass people here,

First of all I started off being a absolute fuckin nobody who was fresh outta a traumatic event with a toxic ex lover. (you know who you are.) And after that i had to like....find myself again, a rebirth if you will now i had a few phases and met another toxic group that also fucked me up mentally, but nothing really hit til i found....

Him.

It was nearing the end of summer, i had just fallen for my abuser again as she used me and dragged me along for months leaving me feeling very emotionally drained i decided to check out that "dammitgrandpa" game evreyone was talking about. After finishing thh i layed my eyes on what would soon be the fictional character to change my life..yeah i feel kinda stupid dedicating a entite part of this sentimental post to nagito komaeda...but he really did change me for the better or worse, komaeda became my biggest comfort charecter and my highest kin in the span of a month it didnt help i have his fucking luck, (lmfao i almost died lile 5 times this year) but in all reality the danganronpa fandom really helped me cope with all the bullshit i have to deal with at home. I guess this brings me to the next part..

Komapocalypse

I swear on maedas left toe this is one of the best things to happen to me. Running 470/420 has been so much fucking fun and i am not done in the slightest. (Allthough i might take a few breaks to focus on cosplay but we will get to that) after being kicked out of a group for being "annoying" my chaotic emergy took a backseat but here i was being myself for a fucking change and people ENJOYED IT, not to mention all the badass pogchamps i met through this fuckhole of a arg, including the fucker who inspired me to make a longass emotional post (looking at you kaz👁) but in all fucking honestly, thanks guys. I...didnt think i had the strength to cut off my friend of 3 years that was trying to force me into their weird cult, i fuckin love you guys/p

On the topic of love, mmy wife

Txidzud?igdzuydtuzute i was not expecting to have you confess to me the same day my mom tried to hit me with a car but here we are!, jesus fucking crust i fuvkinf love her so much even though its hard for me to be emotionally vulnerable at times, hayley...you really helped make this post apocalyptic timeline great for me, <3

Reaching the end of this fuckpost i just wanna thank the people who dont have tumblr but are equally pogchamp

-My cat raven, yeah i wasnt expecting to find a trashcat this year nor for her to become my best friend but now when i see a dark shape hovering over me i know for the most part its safe!

-the rest of my pets, These fuckers mean the world to me and if anything happens to any of them i will kill evreyone in this world and then myself.

-komaedalovemail (allthough they are on tumblr i highly doubt they will ever see me.) I'm a huge fucking klm fanboy having a picture of fetus hinata taped to my wall and their fucking horrific vibes is what got me to create komaeda470 in the 1st place. Fucking thanks you weird band of pogchamp maedas,

-My cosplay firend group, Yeah I didn't expect clicking on a kokichi cosplayers tiktok live would give me a wierd group of people who all call me uncle but i have adopted all of you and will teach you guys the art of arson, (this includes my child i adopted after they found my 470 blog and was on call with me when i found a dead cat in my driveway and had a panic attack ily/p you're poggers)

-Ezra, bro bro bro bro bro i litterally couldn't make it through this fuckyear without you, i know you think your shit but honestly i look up to you and not just because I'm fucking short as hell. I'm so sorry my annoying ratass with 50 bracelets on each arm bugged you about homestuck almost 3 years ago, you're fucking poggers and im breaking into your house in eather a kokichi or nagito cosplay this weekend,

-ADAM.... YOU SCARE ME SOMETIMES ARE YOU OK??? but you're mister funnyman ig you're pogchamp

With all that sentimental shit outta the way back to your regularly scheduled shitposting love, the omnipotent God of chaos wasteland hope boner nagito komaeda komaouma the 69th~🔥🥩

[themasterplanner]

an open letter

I feel it's important to let you, those who follow my blog for my artwork and shitposts, know what's been going on lately.

My apartment complex, where I have happily lived for ten years, has decided to try to gentrify the place up, as my hometown is actually very close to several major cities in the area. In service to this end, they've raised the rents on everyone by $200/month, effective January 1st. I cannot afford this on my current income.

Fine enough, I say, I'd always wanted to move to another city and finish my degree, now's the chance to do it. This town is nice enough, but there's nothing here. I got rejected from a lot of apartments due to some bullshit policy that a tenant has to make three or four times the amount of monthly rent.

Just as well, I say. This is current year and the economy is crap here. Lots of people live with roommates. I go to the University Town an hour up the highway, at great personal expense, to seek rooms that could accommodate my disability and occupied by roommates I could get along with, even be friendly with. I apply for as many as I can, but they all require a cosigner. They will not budge on this.

Fair enough, I say. Most of their renters are broke ass college kids who are just starting out in life. Having no family left who would ordinarily fill the role, I convince my ex-boyfriend, with whom I remain good friends with, to sign the paperwork. He signs for all the applications I have with me, and I fax them in to management.

And now I have been told that my ex has gotten himself fired from his nice job for "telling off" his idiot coworker, thus rendering himself unsuitable to co-sign an apartment. I told him, as calmly as I could manage, that while I generally sympathize with the urge to tell off an asshole coworker, he has let me down when I needed him, when he knew fine well that I had no one else.

My fear of being homeless has sent me into despair, and I'm actively fighting my intrusive suicidal thoughts. My physical health, which was never great in the first place, has also taken a turn for the worse, leaving me with yet another issue to worry about.

Now, I know that I am no Popular Tungle Funnyman, but if you would like to support me or show appreciation for my artwork, donations to my PayPal, ko-fi, or cashtag ($themasterplanner) to help me eat and offset the costs of travel to apply for apartments and pay application fees are always gratefully appreciated, and advice or any other resources you know of -- even thoughts and prayers (if you believe in that) are always welcomed. I also have lots of cuddly stuff for sale.

[somefantasticplace]

LIVING WITH MY WIFE AND HER FEMALE LOVER

His wife Sarah left him first for a builder and then for another woman. So what did funny man Vic Reeves do? He forgave her and now spends most of his time with her and her gay lover. The comedian tells Rebecca Hardy why he feels this unconventional set-up is bet for his children.

Vic Reeves' two-and-a-half year old son Louis is passionate about the children's cartoon character Bob The Builder. He watches the videos and knows the song: "Bob The Builder can we fix it? Bob The Builder yes we can." Vic sings in a different version: "Bob the Builder can we fix it? Bob The Builder can we ever."

Vic's wife Sarah ran off with a builder called Keith Burke four years ago. Vic hurt - a lot. When the affair foundered (she said it was a 'dreadful mistake'), he welcomed her back with open arms. Louis was the product of their reconciliation. They hoped a baby would help to cement things. Sadly, though, it didn't fix anything much.

Today, Sarah lives with her gay lover Julia Jones and Vic's two children - they also have a six year old daughter, Alice - in a sprawling house in Folkestone, Kent. Vic sleeps in the spare room. He has his own home in nearby Rye, East Sussex, but more often than not stays with Sarah and the children. He says he misses the children dreadfully when he's not with them. He continues to call Sarah 'my wife'.

"Some people might think it's weird but I like being there. I like being with them," he says. "Sarah and I split up at the start of last year. We'd got to a stage where we weren't getting on very well. I don't know if it was anything to do with Sarah's sexuality - it probably was.  It's also very hard living with someone who's in the public eye the whole time. It's difficult to accept that your partner is constantly noticed. You might be in a pub and people say, 'oh look, it's you.' They home in on you and ignore whoever you're with.

"It was difficult for Sarah to find her own way. I think she wanted something else. She always likes to be doing something. We decided to separate and it was probably  about six months later that she got involved with Julia. She was a friend before all this and she's still a friend. She's a really nice girl. It's great to be in this situation with someone you know rather than somebody you don't know.

"The children completely accept everything. Just because you have an unconventional life it doesn't mean the children are going to suffer. They are very, very happy children. I don't think they're aware of the sexual side. They're too young. It's not something we'll have to consider until later.

"Ideally it would be very nice just to have a family unit - mummy, daddy, kids. But when things get taken away, you can't just say, 'oh, that's it,' and walk away. You discuss it, talk about it and at some stage you have to accept the situation. It's like if you lose a leg, you fall over. There's only one solution, you have to get used to a prosthetic leg. If I'd said, 'right, I'm not having anything to do with this,' I wouldn't have been happy because I wouldn't have been involved.

"Now we just all much in together. I'm there all the time seeing the children. I get on fantastically well with Sarah and I've got two fantastic kids. I still put them to bed and take Alice to school."

Vic rarely reveals much about his private self. He is a comedian, a funnyman, a great British clown. With his partner, Bob Mortimer, he makes us laugh; side-splitting, stomach-knotting laughter that helps us forget our woes. Vic's woes are not part of the act. When his marriage fell apart, Vic kept his problems to himself. "I tended to deal with it on my own. I didn't want to get other people involved in a situation they might not want to talk about. I didn't want to bother or pester anyone. I get upset. I get as screwed up as anyone, but I'm not the sort of person who allows it to defeat me."

We meet in a London studio to discuss the BBC1 drama Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), which co-stars Vic and Bob. This, a remake of the cult late-Sixties series in which Vic plays the ghost of detective Hopkirk, who returns to haunt his former partner Randall, is their first attempt at television drama. The action turns on a sixpence from comedy to melancholy, for the absurd to the sad, and is, quite truthfully, absolutely brilliant.

Vic is a genuinely funny man. He is also decent, kind, unfeigned;  the sort of bloke who often gets dumped on. During the filming of Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), and following the breakdown of his marriage, Vic, 41, fell in love with actress Emilia Fox, 25, the daughter of Edward Fox. She played his fiancee in the series and soon they were engaged in real life, intending to marry this year.

On the face of it, it was a thoroughly modern, happy affair that suited everyone. Emilia was wonderful with Vic, and wonderful with the children. She didn't seem to bat an eyelid over the fact that his soon-to-be-ex-wife was now gay. They even went on holiday with Sarah, Julia and the children and planned to spend Christmas and the Millennium together. But the relationship had ended before the Christmas tree was decorated.

"You work really closely with somebody and get on with them really well and things occur. After a marriage ends you start to look, not necessarily for a replacement, but for someone else. Perhaps it's something you shouldn't do," says Vic. "In the end, I decided that I wanted to be on my own. I don't want to be unfair to Millie. We were in love with each other and it was very good. But there is this bond with the kids which is hard to explain. It's difficult especially if you've got young children who want and shall have constant attention. Even though another person can love your children, it's still a barrier. You're the one who's closest to them and I love my children more than anything else on earth."

Vic is speaking with unusual candour. It unsettles him. "I wouldn't like to make this a habit," he says. "I am very private and families should be private things." Vic was a happy child. He was born Jim Moir, sharing the name with his father and grandfather and, rather uncannily, a January 24th birthday. "Precision grinding, as someone one said". His father was a Linotype operator who practiced funny walks and worked nights, so he could spend the day with Vic and his sister Lois. His mother was a stitcher.

"We're very close still,' he says. "We were always out walking and looking at things. We were encouraged to be interested in things and it was fun. I'd think, 'I can't wait to go to the library tonight.' All my friends would go off to the ABC film club on a Saturday morning and we'd go off to visit come castle or climb a mountain."

His mother also held seances on a Sunday evening. "I believe in ghosts somewhere along the line," he says. "I'd like to think you're guarded by a dead relative or something. I think my grandad may be keeping an eye on me because wherever I've lived, I've always felt a presence, as if somebody in the room is looking at me, or I've heard footsteps. I can't believe that everywhere I've ever lived has had a ghost in it."

Vic was particularly fond of his grandfather. He was an eccentric who wore a deerstalker hat, made fly-fishing hooks and put them in, but never fly-fished. "We used to go on holiday together," says Vic. "He did things that would probably be considered quite politically incorrect now. He'd dress me up as an Arab boy and send me off begging.

"He'd also pick a word out of the dictionary and say, 'when you come back next week you've got to have put that word into context in a conversation.' I was ten at the time and he'd pick really hard words like conglomeration. It's good to make up games and involve yourself with your children.

"I quite often get dressed up as a pirate with Alice and tell a story to her and her friends - the sort of thing my mum would do with us. Children have an innocence and imagination that isn't hampered by pride. Then, when you go to big school you get it slowly beaten out of you. I wouldn't allow it to be beaten out of me. I didn't want to lose the fun I was having. I could see there were children around me who were starting to become more adult and more afraid of saying and doing something stupid. Alice has a lot of fun, but she's also got a very old head on her shoulders. We'll have a good laugh together and be stupid but she's also very wordly. We're very honest with each other. Alice wouldn't hide anything from me."

Vic dotes upon his daughter and son. "Love for your child is unconditional. It's not even considered," he says. Alice was born in May 1993, four months after Vic married Sarah at Woolwich register office. They'd been seeing one another for two-and-a-half years and Vic truly believed the marriage would last for life. "I tried to use my parents as a role model," he says. "They're the closest, most loving couple I've ever come across."

Sadly though, within three years Sarah had embarked upon an affair with the builder employed to renovate their home. She knew Vic would have tried forever to make their marriage work, but was having none of it. She blamed Vic's career, his close friendship with comedy partner Bob Mortimer, his relationship with Shooting Stars colleague Ulrika Jonsson. "We didn't have an affair," he says. "But we were very, very good friends. It's odd this job. You'll be working with somebody and see them the whole time, then you won't see them for three years. I've been meaning to give her a ring, but I lost her phone number. In fact, I've lost everybody's phone number because I lost my book.

"I've got a few good friends - five or six. The older you get the less you have to have. Bob's a good friend. When you work with someone that long and you get on with them, you become almost psychic. When we're doing live stuff I can predict what he's going to say and vice versa.

"We've never argued but we don't see each other all the time. We'll go for five weeks not seeing each other and then we'll spend a long period together. It's to do with timing and leaving space. There's a very good bond between us. He wouldn't be the first person I'd call in a crisis, though. Bob's not very good in a crisis. If I had some very exciting news I'd probably ring Bob, otherwise I'd talk to Sarah, my first wife

Vic didn't like Keith the builder. He particularly didn't like the thought of him being around his daughter. "Sarah didn't have Alice," he says of that time. "She stayed with me." He was overjoyed when Sarah tired of her affair and returned to the family home. "I think anyone would want their family to survive," he says. It was a difficult reconciliation. Friends found they could not forgive Sarah, but Vic stood by her. "She's my wife, and if you don't like her than I want nothing to do with you," he's say. Then, Louis was conceived so very quickly.

"It's an odd thing with boys," says Vic. "I wouldn't give Louis a gun or an Action Man but that's the way boys naturally go. His current fascination is with cars crashing, so it's "crash, fire". We were on a plane going to my dad's and it was really turbulent. I don't mind turbulence on a plane but there were a lot of very nervous people. Louis was sitting there saying, "plane, crash, fire." It was so funny I didn't want to say, "no, don't say that."

Vic patently adores being a father. I suggest perhaps he is so accepting of his wife's  gay lover because she doesn't threaten his role as dad. "Yes, there is that," he says. "It is a lot easier." He is certainly not jealous, nor does he find the relationship an attack on his masculinity. "I would imagine some men probably would," he says. "I don't really think like that. I've never really done that beer-drinking, football crowd thing."

Is he concerned, though, that just as he tried to ape his parents' loving marriage, his children might use their mother and Julia as role models? "I'd probably hope Louis would be heterosexual from the point that I'd have grandchildren," he says. "If he was gay I'd want to help him. I'd want him to talk to me. He wouldn't have to hide it away. But it would make life easier if he was heterosexual."

Again, he starts to list Julia's merits. I'm sure he's right, that she is a lovely person. I also suspect kind, decent, dumped on Vic is trying to make the best of a mess. "There was something on Radio 4 the other day," he says. Ian McEwan was talking about his father. He said he was a brilliant character and that it was great when he saw him at the weekend. That he'd burst in smoking these fags and filling the room because he was a sergeant major and he bellowed. It made me think. There are parents at Alice's school who are working fathers and rarely see their children. I just muck in with my kids and see them as much as I can.

WEEKEND MAGAZINE, MARCH  2000

[stnent]

Fall TV Preview 2017: Time To Tune In

Fall TV Preview 2017 Time To Tune In 1. Biggie: The Life Of Notorious B.I.G. This documentary, authorized by Biggie's estate, explores the life and career of the rap icon. The miniseries features interviews with his widow Faith Evans, his mom Voletta Wallace and a who's who of rap legends, such as Nas, Jay-Z and Sean "Diddy" Combs. (Monday, September 4, 8 p.m., A&E) 2. The Deuce: Go back in time to New York City, specifically Times Square in the 1970s, when the area was a haven for porn. The show stars James Franco and Maggie Gyllenhaal and was written and created by David Simon ("The Wire"). (Sunday, September 10, 9 p.m., HBO) 3. The Orville: Seth MacFarlane created and stars in this live-action sci-fi comedy series that offers the "Family Guy" guru's take on the likes of "Star Trek." He plays the captain of the ship, who is paired with his ex-wife (Adrianne Palicki) as his first officer. (Sunday, September 10, 8 p.m., FOX/5) 4. The Vietnam War: The legendary documentarian Ken Burns and Lynn Novick tell the story of the Vietnam War in this 10-part, 18-hour series that culls from almost 80 interviews, tons of footage, and more. (Sunday, September 17, 8 p.m., WNET-13) 5. Star Trek: Discovery: Finally, after too many years, we get a new "Star Trek" series. The show has faced some issues, delays and staffing changes, but the early footage has been pretty great. The show, set before the original series, stars Sonequa Martin-Green as Spock's half-sister. (Sunday, September 24, 8:30 p.m., CBS/2, CBS All Access) 6. Young Sheldon: Spinning off from "The Big Bang Theory" comes this prequel following Sheldon Cooper at age 9 (Iain Armitage), a boy genius attending high school. (Monday, September 25, 8:30 p.m., CBS/2) 7. Me, Myself & I: Follow Alex Riley from childhood in 1991 at age 14, to now in 2017 at age 40 and in the future in 2042 at age 65. Starring Jack Dylan Grazer, Bobby Moynihan and John Larroquette. (Monday, September 25, 9:30 p.m., CBS/2) 8. The Brave: Anne Heche takes the lead in this new military drama about undercover soldiers tasked with saving innocents all around the globe. (Monday, September 25, 10 p.m., NBC/4) 9. The Good Doctor: Not a spinoff of "The Good Wife," this medical series, based on a South Korean show, is brought to the states from producer David Shore ("House") and certainly shares a bit DNA with "House." Freddie Highmore stars as a super surgeon with autism, working in pediatrics at a California hospital. (Monday, September 25, 10 p.m., ABC/7) 10. The Opposition with Jordan Klepper: Former "Daily Show" correspondent Jordan Klepper is the latest funnyman to take the former slot of "The Colbert Report," and aims to mock the alt-media on both sides. (Monday, September 25, 11:30 p.m., Comedy Central) 11. Law & Order True Crime: The Menendez Murders: The long-running franchise hops onto the anthology trend with this new spinoff that will chronicle real-life cases, starting with the trail of Lyle and Erik Melendez. Starring Edie Falco, Anthony Edwards and Heather Graham. (Tuesday, September 26, 10 p.m., NBC/4) 12. Seal Team: David Boreanaz's post-"Bones" career begins with this military drama about one of the Navy SEALs' elite units, focusing on the tight group of soldiers as well as their family life. (Wednesday, September 27, 9 p.m., CBS/2) 13. Will & Grace: More than a decade since going off the air, the popular comedy starring Eric McCormack, Debra Messing, Megan Mullally and Sean Hayes is revived, allowing you to catch up with the characters for this 12-episode run. (Thursday, September 28, 9 p.m., NBC/4) 14. Marvel's Inhumans: This Marvel series begins unusually - with the first two episodes getting a limited run in IMAX movie theaters starting on Friday, September 1 (and then run again on TV). The series follows the powerful Inhuman Royal Family and your sure-to-be favorite character is the giant teleporting dog named Lockjaw. (Friday, September 29, 8 p.m., ABC/7) 15. Ghosted: The awesome duo of Craig Robinson and Adam Scott take the leads in this series about a skeptic and a believer who are brought in by the government to explore unusual occurrences going on around Los Angeles. (Sunday, October 1, 8:30 p.m., FOX/5) 16. Wisdom of the Crowd: An inventor comes up with an app that helps crowdsource murder investigations to help find out who killed his daughter. Starring Jeremy Piven, Richard T. Jones and Monica Potter. (Sunday, October 1, 8:30 p.m., CBS/2) 17. Ten Days in the Valley: Kyra Sedgwick stars in this drama about a television producer who is searching for her missing daughter. Also starring Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Kick Gurry, Erika Christensen and Malcolm-Jamal Warner. (Sunday, October 1, 10 p.m., ABC/7) 18. 9JKL: This new comedy, based on the life of star Mark Feuerstein, follows a New York family living in three consecutive apartments. Feuerstein plays Josh Roberts, a divorced actor moving back to the Big Apple, taking an apartment wedged between ones inhabited by his parents on one side and his brother and sister-in-law on the other. Also starring Elliott Gould, Linda Lavin, David Walton and Liza Lapira. (Monday, October 2, 8:30 p.m., CBS/2) 19. The Gifted: This Marvel series in the "X-Men" world focuses on a family with young mutants forced to go underground to keep away from the government in this series. Directed by Bryan Singer, who is no stranger to the Marvel mutants. Starring Stephen Moyer, Amy Acker, Sean Teale, Jamie Chung and Coby Bell. (Monday, October 2, 9 p.m., FOX/5) 20. The Mayor: A young rapper runs for mayor of his California town for publicity and wins. Hilarity ensues. Starring Brandon Micheal Hall, Yvette Nicole Brown and Lea Michele. (Tuesday, October 3, 9:30 p.m., ABC/7) 21. Kevin (Probably) Saves the World: The great Jason Ritter stars as Kevin in this series about a man who returns home to live with his widowed twin sister and her daughter. And then he gets divine intervention, telling him to save the world. (Tuesday, October 3, 10 p.m., ABC/7) 22. Valor: Yet another military show, this one following a team of helicopter pilots tasked with secretive missions. (Monday, October 9, 9 p.m., CW/11) 23. Dynasty: The long-running 1980s prime time soap opera about bickering rich families gets rebooted, starring Grant Show, Nathalie Kelley, Elizabeth Gillies, Alan Dale and more. (Wednesday, October 11, 9 p.m., CW/11) 24. Mindhunter: This streamer is based on the book "Mind Hunter: Inside FBI's Elite Serial Crime Unit" by Mark Olshaker and John E. Douglas, and is being brought to life by famed director David Fincher. Set in 1979, it stars Jonathan Groff and Holt McCallany as a pair of FBI agents investigating a nefarious case. (Friday, October 13, Netflix) 25. White Famous: Jay Pharoah makes the jump from "Saturday Night Live" to his own series, where he plays a young, up-and-coming comedian, an African-American talent looking to find a bigger audience let the show's title give you a clue. This is loosely based on the life of executive producer Jamie Foxx. (Sunday, October 15, 10 p.m., Showtime) 26. At Home With Amy Sedaris: The delightful Amy Sedaris takes you to her home to showcase her homemaking skills in this comedy. Each episode will be centered around a theme and will feature a guest such as Scott Adsit or Sasheer Zamata. (Tuesday, October 24, 10:30 p.m. Tru TV 27. The Last O.G.: Tracy Morgan stars in this new comedy about an ex-con returning to his old Brooklyn neighborhood, now gentrified, after a 15-year sentence. (Sunday, October 22, 10 p.m., TBS) 28. S.W.A.T: Shermar Moore stars in this remake of the 1975 series, later remade into a 2003 movie. Moore plays a sergeant in the tactial unit in Los Angeles, taking on some of the most dangerous missions. (Thursday, November 2, 10 p.m., CBS/2) 29. Future Man: This streaming series from Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, and starring Josh Hutcherson and Eliza Coupe, follows a janitor with some serious video game skills who is recruited by some people from the future to save the world. Sounds a little like "The Last Starfighter," which is totally cool with us. (Tuesday, November 14, Hulu) 30. Marvel's Runaways: Young superheroes unite to take down their evil parents in this latest Marvel property, based on a modern comic book classic from Brian K. Vaughan and Adrian Alphona (Tuesday, November 21, Hulu) 31. She's Gotta Have It: Spike Lee's 1986 feature film gets turned into a series starring DeWanda Wise as a woman juggling relationships with three men. (Thursday, November 23, Netflix)

[itsjaybullme]

The 10 Most Badass Summer Blockbuster Stars of All Time

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Blockbuster Basics

ullstein bild / Getty

What's not to love about blockbusters? They have girls, action, and main characters whom ladies want and men want to be. But looking the part takes serious work. Which is why, in honor of summer (prime blockbuster time), we curated a list of our favorite blockbuster stars who brought serious acting chops, grit, and plenty of muscle to the silver screen.

Here's what makes a blockbuster deserving of the name (by M&F standards):

According to Merriam-Webster, blockbuster is defined as “notably expensive, effective, successful, large, or extravagant.” But because that’s too vague for our liking, M&F established some guidelines to help further narrow down our summer blockbuster selects. Here they are:

Must have grossed more than $200 million worldwide (adjusted for inflation).

Must have been released between May and September.

Must be jam-packed with action—fights, explosions, and so on.

The star had to train hard to look the part.

Click through for some of our all-time favorite badass blockbuster stars.

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1. Sylvester Stallone in 'Rambo: First Blood Part II'

Michael Ochs Archives / Getty

Released: May 22, 1985

Raked in: $683 million

At a time when muscle was a must for action stars, Stallone still went above and beyond by bringing a physique that would fare as well on an IFBB stage as it would in the jungles of Vietnam. To prepare for the role, Stallone trained for eight months, four hours a day, with weights. He also took combat and survival courses, and trained with a SWAT team to make the character even more believable.

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2. Tom Cruise in 'Top Gun'

Sunset Boulevard / Getty

Released: May 16, 1986

Raked in: $796 million

Cruise played Maverick, a young hotshot, womanizing pilot training at the Navy’s Fighter Weapons School. To prep, Cruise flew with the Blue Angels, taking on more than nine G’s of force, and clearly kept his training and diet on track for the now famous volleyball scene. The movie propelled Cruise to the A-list. We wonder if Cruise, now in his 50s, will go shirtless in the recently announced Top Gun sequel?

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3. Brad Pitt in 'Troy'

Murray Close / Getty

Released: May 14, 2004

Raked in: $644 million

Bulking up to a lean 185lbs for Troy (a far cry from the 155-lb physique he’s famous for in Fight Club) was just one element of Pitt’s preparation. In addition to the training and sword-fighting lessons he underwent, Pitt also studied Greek mythology extensively and practiced speaking with a Greek accent daily.

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4. Ben Stiller in 'Tropic Thunder'

Elisabetta Villa / Getty

Released: Aug. 13, 2008

Raked in: $214 million

Stiller was on triple duty as the director, writer, and star of this action-packed piece of comedy gold. The funnyman got serious by getting super-ripped to play satirical action star Tugg Speedman, who is sent to the wilds of Vietnam in an effort to bring realism to his war film. Even though the movie was fake, those guns (the ones hanging from his sleeves, we mean), were real. And for that, Stiller gets props.

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5. Jake Gyllenhaal in 'Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time'

Frazer Harrison / Getty

Released: May 28, 2010

Raked in: $377 million

To play Dastan, a dual-sword-wielding, parkour-running prince of Persia, Gyllenhaal went all in. The bulk of his days were spent training in fight choreography and parkour, a full-body workout in itself. But then Gyllenhaal would retreat to the gym to forge the physique you see above, dropping his body fat to the mere single digits, training his entire body each time.

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6. Chris Hemsworth in 'Thor'

Simon James / Getty

Released: May 6, 2011

Raked in: $488 million

Looking like a Norse god doesn’t happen overnight, nor is it easy. Which is why Hemsworth and his trainer, ex-Navy SEAL Duffy Gaver, followed a no-frills template for packing on size: heavy weights, with basic compound exercises like dumbbell presses and pullups, and a diet of red meat, veggies, and protein powder. By the time Hemsworth picked up Thor’s hammer, he’d packed on 20lbs of mass.

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7. The Hulk in 'The Avengers'

Astrid Stawiarz / Getty

Released: May 4, 2012

Raked in: $1.6 billion

OK, so maybe the Hulk doesn’t have to train to achieve his 1,200-lb lean physique, but he made the list anyway. The dude can jump hundreds of miles in a single bound, extinguish fires with a clap of his hands, survive a nuclear explosion, and breathe underwater. Oh, and his strength, because it’s dictated by his emotional state, is limitless.

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8. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in 'Fast & Furious 6'

Per Bernal

Released: May 24, 2013

Raked in: $827 million

"The Rock" is the human manifestation of “savage”. The man is up every day at 4 a.m. to hit the StairMaster. Then, after shoveling 5,000 calories worth of cod, eggs, steak, and rice down his gullet, he’s back in the gym to hit the weights hard. His routine is consistent for all his roles, but the physique he brought to Fast & Furious 6 is his best combination of lean and mean.

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9. Hugh Jackman in 'The Wolverine'

Jun Sato / Getty

Released: July 26, 2013

Raked in: $435 million

Apparently, Hugh Jackman ages like fine wine—and the rest of us like cottage cheese. After portraying Wolverine for two decades, he brings a bigger, more shredded version of the clawed mutant. Every. Single. Time. For the 2013 origin film, the 44-year-old Jackman consumed steak, steak, and more steak, and worked out five times a week, regularly using compound lifts like deadlifts and back squats.

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10. Dave Bautista in 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

Released: Aug. 1, 2014

Raked in: $799 million

Dave Bautista is never out of shape, and that’s why he’s on this list. Whether biking, training with mixed martial arts, or pumping iron, he’s always active. But to play Marvel’s Drax the Destroyer, Bautista packed even more size onto his already-massive frame—at age 45, we should add—by upping his caloric intake, and focusing on brutal bodybuilding-style training.

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[wellmeaningshutin]

Short Story #51: Funnyman.

Written: 2/25/2017

I’ve always known that I would have a good chance to make it as a stand up comedian, my life is plenty shitty and no matter what happens, I never stop laughing at it. Sometimes people tell me, “Arty, why are you laughing right now? This is serious. Don’t turn such a sad occasion into a mockery.” Or something like that, my memories not to good. Maybe only one person told me that and I applied it to many people who told me many things, haha. You see, my thinking hasn’t been very well (superman thinks good) since the accident, since I was suddenly thrown around in that metal box, and my kids on my lap, ripped open, intestines hanging out and in their eyes I can make out a message, they sent that message from their eyes, and they said, “So this is what dyings like.” Like, “Can you call me in sick, I don’t want this to ruin my perfect attendance, I don’t want the teachers to get mad at me for not turning in homework.” Kids, always saying such funny things. I wish I had kids still, but hey, you gotta play the cards you’re dealt. Some times its a flush, like the way my life went down the toilet, flush!

Okay, I don’t think I said that I was actually funny. I only meant that I’m able to treat my suffering with a humorous nature. Doesn’t matter if what I say can make other people laugh, all I know is that I can laugh plenty and that’s good enough for me.

I remember when the doctor told me that my child doesn’t make it, and I told him, “No shit, and here I was thinking that you just put their guts back inside, sewed them up, good as new.” He didn’t find it too funny, so I said, “Where can I go to buy a new one?” I told him, “I have no time to knock a girl up, I’m supposed to take the little brat to their mother’s in about an hour.” A stern and confused look was all I got back in response, but I didn’t care because my jokes aren’t for everyone, you know? People with good childhoods just can’t understand folks with bad ones, sometimes we have to chuckle at misery, and nobody has a better sense of humor then my kid. Okay, I’m starting to get tired of these kid jokes, I’m just beating a dead kid now.

Okay, I swear I’m done now.

Where was I going with all this, what was the point I was trying to make? Things get a little foggy when I try to remember them, like I can’t remember what my kid looked like, their name, or very much about them. Hell, I remember their insides more than their outs. I know that kid like the back of their liver.

Okay, I’m actually done now.

Hm… Oh yeah, being a stand up asshole. I always thought I could make a career out of jokes, sometimes you don’t have to be funny, or that might just be a lie that untalented people tell themselves, “You don’t have to be good, you just have to want it!” “You don’t need to have anything that requires you to be successful, you can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it.” “The size don’t matter, its how you use it” And whose more unqualified than I am? If I had any talent it, I must have lost it. Mo talent, mo problems. I never bothered with a career as a comedian, though, because I was busy doing other things that I was equally terrible at.

Like, I was married at one point, then divorced, and it seemed like there were identical to each other. There’s no sex, and all you hear is gripes about how they want money and how you’re being a lousy father to your kid. If I started dating again then I would probably have two women who hated me, and I’m not so good at juggling. I’m not so good at anything, except being miserable. I went to the school of hard knocks, and I got a doctorate in being a lousy bum. I did my thesis by.. Uh…

What was I getting at? Oh well, it’ll come back when it wants to. I swear my memory is like Groundhogs Day. I have to wait for the poor bastard to pop out, and if he gets startled by his own shadow its another while of confusion. I don’t know why he’s so easily startled, nothing scares me anymore. If my house was robbed, it would be nice because all I own was crap, it would be like free movers and I wouldn’t have to pay a dime. They’d be the poor saps in that scenario, because at best they could only get a hundred bucks from all of my possessions. Death is no big deal, it seems like it happens to everyone but me anyways. Its like I’m at the middle school prom, and nobody’s asking me to dance. I ask death out on a date, and she tells me that she’s a lesbian. Next thing I know she’s been hooking up with my mother, father, kid, my friends, old teachers, people on the news.. Its like every minute there’s another sex scandal with death, always in the papers, and it don’t matter who she’s hooking up with, all I know is it isn’t me, but I’m used to rejection.

It was like puling teeth to get anybody to go out with me, but without any Novocain. I don’t mean to tooth my own horn, but if I’m pretty great at being rejected. I can make the girl with the lowest standards possible walk out of any date, its like a superpower. They should put me in banks so they don’t get robbed. I could try to give somebody a million dollars and they’d make some brittle excuse to not take it. Some people say my jokes are off putting, and they’re probably right, but I like to think that so much more of me is repulsive. I can never get a confessional, its great. Naturally, when my kid was gone and I didn’t have to deal with my ex wife anymore, I swore off dating because there was nothing to prove anymore. I already showed that everyone has a limit, and that limit is me. I thought about getting a denim jacket with the words “ROCK BOTTOM” bedazzled on the back, but I couldn’t get anyone to agree to make it for me.

My favorite past time had become watching movies. I like dramas because they really tear me up inside, I swear one day I’m going to become mute from laughter. Hell, maybe people will like me if they can’t hear what I have to say, but then again they have other senses that can help them reject me. Checks and balances, I’m just like the government, and I work just as well too. To be honest, I don’t know anything about current politics, and I couldn’t even tell you who our president is.

Stand up comedy! Yes! Now I remember! So, I finally decided to pick up a career in that awful business because I watched so many movies, all I did was watch movies, and I started to get a little interested in that actress, Greta something, and I decided that she had to be the last woman to reject me. I’ve been rejected by all sorts of women, but never by one who is so charming, beautiful, well, basically who is the antithesis to myself. I watched all of her movies, her reality television show, interviews, and even found a bunch of pictures that paparazzi had taken of her. I devoured every little bit of information about her that I could, and it was well documented so if I forgot something I could find it again. I must have learned the same things about her about a hundred times each, every time I saw them again it was like a brand new discovery, but I don’t know if that’s the memory loss, or proof of how much I love her. I’ve never been rejected by a girl I love, either. I guess you could call me a romantic that way. Most guys want to sleep with all sorts of women, but I want to do the opposite. I get rejected by girls when I try to pay them to humiliate me, I’m a real Casanova.

This actress, this wonderful actress, this perfect human being, I realize that she does an interview on the same talk show, on the same date every year, and on that show there’s always a stand up comedian guest. And what have I believed that I can make a living by? No really, I forgot, tell me. That’s a joke. If you have lots of jokes one of them might be good, a broken comedian can get two laughs a day. Remember which jokes get laughs, and then keep trying new ones, and eventually, after months of hard work, you might actually have a good routine. This is what I did, this is what I did to make a name for myself so that I could get on that show and pledge my love to her, so she could reject me, then I could put a bullet in her, so she could never reject anyone else. I’d be the last person she rejected, and even spoke to, so the bond we’d share would last forever.

Those comedy clubs were awful places, and you could tell because they let me do stand up there. Any place that lets me inside is not a very good place. I once gave a very good restaurant a one star review because it was willing to serve me. Waitresses never flirt with me for tips, the trouble they’d have to go through would be more than I could pay. I’d give them an arm and a leg, but that payment would mean that they’d still have to touch me. I give restaurants better reviews if they’re willing to treat me better, like if a chef spits in my burger then I know its a respectable place. Five stars if they tell me I have to leave, and four stars if they say I can’t sit in the restaurant, and have to take everything home in a to-go box. I started bringing my own boxes so they wouldn’t be a hassle, and they made me eat in the bathroom, what a life. Inmates don’t have the luxuries that I have.

I think the only reason I was able to get my career going was because somebody beat the piss out of me during one of my sets, and the wholesome folks of the internet ate that shit up. I realized all I had to do was be so unfunny that people would become aggressive, and they would do all of the comedy work for me. You could say that I’m very good at delegating, and maybe I should run a business…. Into the ground! Haha. So every night I go on stage, say something awful, and then somebody starts to heckle me, and I just make bad jokes back at them. The hecklers are funnier than I am, but that’s what people come to see. I’m so bad I make others look better. I swear, all one guy had to say was “Fuck off” and the whole audience was in an uproar. All I had to do was get somebody to bust my nose open just to get recognition. I’m like a pinata with horrible jokes inside, I’m like a pinata you hate. People love to hate, and it seems like they enjoy it more than love. I love it that people hate me, because of all the strong emotions that I can arise in them.

Eventually, I got a good cult following going with my acts, and sometimes famous comedians would come to my shows to heckle me, and further their own careers. There was a real community spirit, like a lynching or a mob mentality. I should’ve gotten a career as one of Putin’s political rivals, he’d get voted in every time. Wait, doesn’t he already do that? Shit, its like I was lucid for a second and I lost it. Actually, I think that was something that a crowd member yelled at me. They yelled so much at me, it was like being back in my childhood home. Speaking of kids, there was one kid who would set up outside my shows, selling tomatoes for people to throw at me. I didn’t think that people even did that, but at the end of some shows I’d have more tomato sauce on me than spaghetti. You know, cause spaghetti has sauce on it, and the tomatoes would leave mush all over me when they struck my body.

This whole time I kept sending Greta letters, it was nonstop. I’d write about five a day, and then I’d seal them with a little kiss, like I saw her do in one of her movies. I never got an answer, and it started to kill me at one point, because I wanted a rejection of some sorts, and she wouldn’t even bother doing that. It was like she didn’t even know I was writing to her, didn’t even know how repulsive I was, the bitch. It just made my plan more serious, and I became more determined, because she would have to see me eventually. She’d have to reject me at some point, there was no way to escape it. I’d die trying to get her to reject me.

As I started to get well known with my awful shows, and the several good jokes I had now and then, I started to get offered to do stand up on talk shows. I knew which one I wanted, and which date, and it took me so long to negotiate with the show, to get that slot, there was no other way for me to do it. I offered them so much, and they finally agreed when I said I’d let audience members throw nails at me, and a couple big time comedians agreed to be in the crowd during the show. Mocking me on cable was a great career move for them, everyone at home would eat it up, like Thanksgiving came twice that year, they were the pilgrims and I was the good folks who be treated inhumanely. Actually, people call acts inhumane, but if I learned anything, its that everything is a human thing to do, nothing is inhuman. Being a kind person is more inhuman than starting a genocide. Hell, giving away your stuff is considered a warning sign, you have to be willing to die to become generous, what a world we live in. We shouldn’t salute the flag, we should burn it. Hating your country is the most patriotic thing to do, because it shows how strongly you feel about the place.

When I get to the studio they don’t even let me into the room that they have for guests, they make me wait in the alley behind it, and I try to strike up a conversation with a bum, but he keeps telling me he has better things to do. Staring at a wall is better than listening me, at least its well put together, haha. The whole time I’m just feeling the revolver in my pocket, it felt so nice, so cold, so human, I was worried that it would hop right out of my pocket and tell me it slept with my mother. Guns are probably the most human invention, I think most people would want to be guns themselves. Gun rights are like civil rights, guns don’t kill people, they are people. They’re better at being people than some people are, haha. Boner pills and guns have something in common, because they help with impotence. If people can’t get themselves to kill, then they just have to do a gun and its all easy. Bang bang bang, suddenly you’re human again.

So, the best part about all of this is when I finally walk on to do the act, and then I find out that she’s not even the guest on the show. She had to reschedule due to something that I didn’t care to pay attention to, and instead there’s some muscle man there who gets paid because how much girls want to lay with him. When I walked by him, when we were in the same camera shot, I swear I must have made him look like a god. That was probably the high point of his career. And during his high point, I was at my lowest. I’m standing there telling my awful jokes, people throwing nails at me, and their insults are starting to cut through my apathy, my sense of humor. Maybe it was because I felt so terrible about not having the chance to be rejected by the woman I loved, maybe it was because I had that revolver being all heavy in the inside of my jacket, like a physical reminder of how pathetic I am. So pathetic I can’t even be pathetic. There’s that insult, where somebody is so __ that there’s a picture of them by that word in the dictionary, but I’m so awful that my name is in the dictionary, because I’m so terrible that they had to make a new word for it. I was so exceptionally pathetic that didn’t have the proper words to describe it.

Anyways, I felt so crushed in that moment, because I knew I was a failure. I’d always been a failure, but that was the only time I really knew it, felt it, understood it. Humor couldn’t protect me anymore. So, I decided to plug myself in the head, because I didn’t know this feeling and I hated it, but the gun ended up jamming, and I couldn’t even do that right.

[tabloidtoc]

Globe, August 17

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Fox News sex scandal explodes 

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- pregnant Bindi Irwin, Aubrey Plaza washes her car, Ray Liotta works out in Venice Beach 

Page 3: Sweaty Zachary Quinto, Piers Morgan in St. Tropez, Jennifer Garner snaps a shot of son Samuel Affleck who is neck-deep in sand as big sis Seraphina looks on 

Page 4: Fed-up Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton -- our side of the story -- Will and Kate are not the bad guys in the royal war with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle and they’re finally firing back 

Page 5: Prince Harry is being outwitted by his bossy bride Meghan Markle claims a British socialite who says the redheaded royal is much less intelligent than Meghan 

Page 6: Bisexual Brandi Glanville claims a sexy encounter with former reality show co-star Denise Richards left her feeling disgusted 

Page 7: Lisa Marie Presley and Priscilla Presley make peace -- they’re helping each other heal after Benjamin Keough’s devastating suicide 

Page 8: Cautious Kim Kardashian kept a diary dossier on husband Kanye West and she’ll use the ledger to take Kanye to the cleaners 

Page 9: Britney Spears is getting welcome support from ex-husband Kevin Federline who says he doesn’t think she’s too nutty to be around their kids 

Page 10: Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres is in hot water -- her media company bosses have launched an investigation into charges her show’s staff was abused and bullied 

Page 11: Pentagon studying crashed UFOs -- new government report blows lid off cover-up that began in Roswell 

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Dolph Lundgren eating lunch in Beverly Hills (picture), Gwyneth Paltrow has spilled how Rob Lowe’s makeup artist wife Sheryl Berkoff schooled her on oral sex tricks when she was a teenager, Brooklyn Decker needs to use incontinence undies since birthing her two kids Hank and Stevie, Billy Eichner is playing legendary funnyman Paul Lynde in a bioflick of the barely closeted entertainer’s life, Lisa Rinna’s 19-year-old daughter Amelia Gray Hamlin has publicly accused her mom of forcing her to appear on RHOBH 

Page 13: Amber Rose (picture), Gavin Rossdale plays tennis (picture), Tori Spelling on the set of Celebrity Show-Off (picture)

Page 14: RHOA star Phaedra Parks who is a funeral director boasts business has never been better, Blake Lively still gets pretty frisky over Ryan Reynolds her husband of nearly eight years, Fashion Verdict -- Chrishell Stause 7/10, Saoirse Ronan 2/10, Adriana Lima 9/10, Carol Alt 1/10, Judith Light 8/10 

Page 16: Regis Philbin went to his grave deeply troubled over the many years he and longtime co-host Kelly Ripa barely spoke 

Page 17: The death of Gone with the Wind star Olivia de Havilland hammered the final nail into the longest and most bitter feud in Hollywood history between her and her sister Joan Fontaine, actor John Saxon took a series of bitter regrets to his grave including never having made it as a leading man and losing a real-life fight with martial arts superstar Bruce Lee 

Page 19: 10 things you don’t know about Tom Ellis, Dancing with the Stars judge Carrie Ann Inaba wept when she learned show hosts Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews had been axed, after dropping her new album Taylor Swift sent a special gift to a huge fan -- the late Kobe Bryant’s daughter Natalia 

Page 20: True Crime 

Page 23: Rod Stewart has revealed the secret behind writing his hit tunes -- boatloads of booze, creepy socialite Ghislaine Maxwell who was sex monster Jeffrey Epstein’s mistress and accused recruiter of underage girls secretly stashed away $20 million in 15 bank accounts and could lose it all if convicted of sex trafficking 

Page 24: Cover Story -- Fox News in crisis -- top stars rocked by new sex scandal after Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly gave network a black eye 

Page 26: Health Report -- thick thighs save lives 

Page 38: Real Life 

Page 40: Plastic surgery junkie Wendy Williams is getting a top-to-toe tune-up for her TV return

Page 45: Meyer Lansky’s lover squeals -- evil mobster behind 1000 murders was really a gentle soul 

Page 47: Hollywood Flashback -- The Oscar-winning pairing of Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in the 1942 classic Casablanca almost didn’t happen because Ingrid was taller than Humphrey, Bizarre But True 

[tabloidtoc]

Globe, September 21

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: America’s new civil war caused by Trump 

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Antonio Banderas zips around his native Spain after recovering from coronavirus, Neil Sedaka, Brooke Shields on the phone in the Hamptons 

Page 3: Demi Lovato in a mask using her phone, Sofia Richie makes a splash at the beach, Arnold Schwarzenegger blows his nose while biking in Santa Monica 

Page 4: Goodfellas toughie Ray Liotta has been forced into wearing a hearing aid at the age of 65 -- a lifetime of firing weapons in screen roles and playing loudmouthed gangsters who scream and get screamed at has slowly eroded his hearing but his love life is sizzling with brunette stunner Jacy Nittolo 20 years his junior

Page 5: Brave Black Panther star Chadwick Boseman took shocking secrets to his grave and left behind a legacy of generosity when he died from colon cancer last month -- in addition to hiding his killer disease he also wed his longtime girlfriend Taylor Simone Ledward on the sly and he was also tight-lipped about his other relationships keeping his close friendships with Denzel Washington and Phylicia Rashad under wraps -- Chadwick fought Marvel before shooting Black Panther to make sure his character T’Challa was played with an African accent to reflect his heritage and culture when the big shots wanted an English or American accent, Amber Heard is at her wit’s end after learning Johnny Depp is ready to embroil her in yet another explosive legal case -- after giving lengthy testimony this summer in a London courtroom where Johnny was suing a British newspaper for labeling him a wife beater rattled Amber has been warned by her legal team that Johnny is coming after her in the U.S. whether or not he wins his London case -- Johnny has made a move to sue Amber for defamation in Virginia for writing a column about sexual violence against women and implying she was battered without mentioning his name -- Amber has been a mess and she believes Johnny’s doing this to grind her into the dirt 

Page 6: Angelina Jolie is seething over Brad Pitt’s romance with young German model Nicole Poturalski and she’s dead set on keeping their kids away from his latest squeeze and she feels her ex is flaunting his fling with the 27-year-old to deliberately aggravate her and she’s steamed about him bringing his married galpal to Chateau Miraval which is the former couple’s estate in France 

Page 7: Matthew Perry is tormented after being snubbed for the special reunion episode for The West Wing where his guest acting earned him two Emmy nominations and he’s hurt because West Wing really has a special place in his heart, Mariah Carey reveals she penned two songs about her former baseball player beau Derek Jeter -- her song The Roof was about her first smooch with the now-retired New York Yankee and her song My All was about jetting off to spend time with Derek who she credits with helping her get past her doomed marriage to music mogul Tommy Mottola 

Page 8: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are bickering because he’s being forced to miss his family’s traditional Balmoral Castle holiday -- while Harry is upset he won’t be spending time with his 94-year-old granny Queen Elizabeth his wife Meghan doesn’t feel like she’s missing out and she’s too busy decorating their new Montecito mansion and never wants to return to Britain

Page 9: Desperately hoping his son Prince Harry will come to his senses and return to the fold Prince Charles is still paying Harry and his wife Meghan Markle a $30,000 monthly allowance -- Charles and Harry have a very strong and close father-and-son relationship despite disagreeing over Harry’s move to the United States and Charles has made it clear that the door is always open

Page 11: Tom Cruise plunked down a whopping $675,000 to hire a cruise ship to house the cast and crew shooting his Mission: Impossible 7 in a bid to beat costly delays caused by the coronavirus pandemic

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Peter Weller in L.A. (picture), This Is Us heartthrob Justin Hartley’s love life is like a soap opera story line involving a trio of daytime divas -- Justin’s first wife Lindsay Korman and mom to his teenage daughter is duking it out with wife No. 2 Chrishell Stause who trashed him on her reality show Selling Sunset after he texted her a divorce demand while meanwhile Justin is distracting himself with yet another soap star Sofia Pernas, it was a real-life high school horror story for Amelia Gray Hamlin daughter of RHOBH star Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin who had her mom trashed by two teachers resulting in her anorexia, Sherri Shepherd’s career went from getting a standing ovation after a guest spot on Friends to answering phones as a legal secretary for David Schwimmer’s dad, Sex and the City creator Candace Bushnell had a romantic dinner with John Corbett while he was dating Bo Derek 

Page 13: Tiffani Thiessen goes grocery shopping (picture), Placido Domingo performs in Italy at his first concert since contacting coronavirus (picture), Kevin Hart relaxes behind the wheel while pregnant wife Eniko pumps gas (picture), Macaulay Culkin is reminding everyone that age matters when he tweeted that he’s turning 40 

Page 14: Before he hit the jackpot with the British version of The Office Ricky Gervais and his longtime girlfriend lived above a brothel because they has absolutely no money, David Arquette is going to great lengths to revive his wrestling career for a new documentary called You Cannot Kill Me where he undergoes an excruciatingly painful wax job on particularly sensitive body part including his buttocks and in the film he strips stark naked for a spray tan and flashes viewers full-length shots of all his assets as he gets freshly orange-tinted skin blow-dried, Fashion Verdict -- Monica Bellucci 2/10, Kate Bosworth 7/10, Kristen Bell 8/10, Julianne Hough 9/10 

Page 16: Kate Winslet says she and co-star Saoirse Ronan decided to self-choreograph their racy lesbian sex scene in the film Ammonite, R. Kelly got a brutal beatdown from a fellow inmate in a Chicago lockup while he was asleep in his cell and a thug with F**k the Feds inked on his face stomped on Kelly’s head and tried to stab him with a pen because the attacker blamed the appearance of Kelly’s supporters outside the jail for triggering recent prison lockdowns 

Page 17: Tim McGraw and Faith Hill are on the road to Splitsville as they tussle over where to live their lives as empty nesters -- Faith wants to permanently relocate to California while Tim refuses to budge from Nashville -- their daughter Gracie is living in L.A. pursuing an acting career and Faith wants to follow suit even though she was panned for her work in the flop The Stepford Wives in 2004, Susan Schneider Williams the heartsick widow of tragic funnyman Robin Williams says she and her husband were told to sleep in separate beds as the ailing star struggled with insomnia in the years before his 2014 suicide 

Page 19: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Padma Lakshmi, Steve Carell ditched cult hit The Office after seven seasons in 2011 but he recently revealed shooting his farewell episode was emotional torture, Laurence Fishburne is out of The Matrix revealing he has not been invited to appear in the fourth installment of the blockbuster film series and although he won’t be rejoining stars Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss he admits sci-fi sage Morpheus is probably the role he’ll be best remembered for 

Page 21: True Crime 

Page 24: Cover Story -- Blood in the Streets 

Page 26: Health Report 

Page 36: The simmering feud between Madonna and Elton John has erupted into an all-out war with the vengeful Madonna gloating as tormented Elton wages a heart-rending legal battle with his ex-wife -- Madonna is thrilled over Elton’s agonizing court battle because she’s hated him since 2012 when he slammed her as a fairground stripper and called her tour a disaster -- Elton is in a painful brawl in a London court with his former spouse Renate Blauel who accused Elton of shaming her by forcing her into the limelight with his blabbing about their doomed romance in his recent memoir and bio-flick, Mel C claims she and her Spice Girls bandmates were never harassed by men in the music industry because dudes were petrified of the all-female pop group known for their Girl Power slogan 

Page 38: Real Life 

Page 44: Straight Talk -- screwball actor Jim Belushi has a really nutty solution to America’s homeless problems: he wants to stone them but not with rocks with pot 

Page 45: This Is Us star Chrissy Metz has finally gotten over her heartbreaking split from boyfriend Hal Rosenfeld two years ago and now is asking co-star Mandy Moore to help find her a new love, Toni Braxton has one big regret which is she wishes she’d partied hardier and had more sex during her younger years but she insists it’s not too late to add more notches to her belt 

Page 47: Hollywood Flashback -- Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey in 1987′s Dirty Dancing, Bizarre But True