#having someone out there w the same brain !!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bunnihearted · 11 days

Text

being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me

#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can #even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for #but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it #but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot #even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to #or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human #and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have #if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person #but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless #maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean #it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it #and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things #but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me #that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor #and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know #i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness #and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk #talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo #and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else #even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get #in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao #anyway whatever 😔

29 notes · View notes

toytulini · 4 months

Text

if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.

#toy txt post #or maybe i am just sameface syndrome #but also different face syndrome #two characters will have the same face but then the next time i draw those characters its a different face than they had last time!#i know part of it is being out of practice but also there is definitely an element of feeling constrained by human facial structure lmao #the monsters have Their Own Problems but like. no one has a face like bokrae no matter how inconsistent i am about drawing her #her features are iconic enough to her that you can tell everytime #birdie???? i faceclaimed eartha kitt for her and im still struggling cos i feel weird about faceclaiming as a concept #but even then 😭 one time i was trying to give headloose a face and someone was like wow he looks like birdie!#me 😭😭😭😭😭 what!!!!!! hes not supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need to practice. features #you know the worst part about coming up w a bunch of fuckin Scenarios in my brain for ocs is that i have even fucking Drawn them yet #to give them like. iconic staple features and figure out what their faces look like. which feels like it would really help to have that #knowledge and muscle memory before i jump into trying to draw intense scenes with difficult poses!!#not to mention. listen. i can do the monster faces. somewhat. the bodies??????????? well for one. theyre too big everytime #im convinced i could be trying to draw bokrae on like a full ass wall size paper like a mural thing and run out of room. it just keeps #happening. i have no sense of scale for them either. by which i mean i struggle w scale already and also cant decide what i want it to be #and ive tried to handwave it away by being like ohhh uh. birdie casts spells on them to change their sizes for convenience but also #no. perhaps that explanation works for other ppl. @ myself tho its not good enough i Know Better!!!!!!#agh!!!!!!! i really need to figure out bokrae's Teeth also. like i dont. i coukd get away with it. but i should. and i want to.#anyway all this to say that i need to give these characters faces and body designs (actually the body designs for humanoid ocs is the easy #part. the faces are whats stumping me? well. i need more practice w all the body types again but like i Know what im Going For at least.#for the most part anyway. havent fully figured out heights. struggling w characters that i want to make short but give imposing tall energy #on occasion? birdie can be short all day long no problem. I want Alasdair to be short enough that he has a bunch of short boyfriends that #feel tall around him? bytte was going to be like 6ft max but then i thought about making her taller and like. what if i made her taller #headloose is not that /short/ but he is Not Tall and prolly pretty lean? twink build for sure #and of course all these short /tall distinctions come with a bias of relativity to my own height which i categorize as medium height #but short ppl call me tall and insist its not average and tall ppl call me short. (5'6) and then i have to factor in how the gender changes #the dynamic of a height like my height is Short For A Man but medium to tall for a Woman. which id argue is medium height bc mens heights #are socially held to high standards (hehe) and also i know ethnicity/race is also a factor? but im out of tags. rip. bye

14 notes · View notes

landfilloftrash · 1 year

Text

afternoon ponderings

#my art #Ace Attorney #Gregory Edgeworth #Manfred von Karma #blueberrypancakes #for my brain to be able to see any sort of romance I have to just. Draw them in situations. Put those lawyers in a situation.#Plantonic and/or silly situations but situations nonetheless ! Anyways—#ok small ramblings time w/ headcanons #von karma paces to help him think- despite his leg- and tends to talk himself through things that happened (based on evidence and testimony #edgeworth switches between bouncing his leg and flipping through books unseeing trying to connect dots without 100% thinking about it--#letting it sit in his head as he turns it about subconsciously. most times it works- sometimes he just Has to talk through it with someone #and that someone is the one pacing due to his own case at the moment; and so! they talk. case talk small talk. talk!#they aren’t on the same case 4 this art— they’ve have been pinging ideas off each other and complaining about various things for hours now #bc if they were on the Same case they would NOT be this close in proximity except on the crime scene.#absolutely FIENDISHLY protective of their respective evidence. it's a game it's a dance it's a fight and gregory won't stop until he wins #and even then he would never stop; however they aren't on the same case so! they hang out and chat like civilized people. and argue (aff)#rea rambles in the tags #rea’s trash

42 notes · View notes

tamagotchikgs · 3 months

Text

i wonder if ill ever get to know myself in a different environment or if ill b the same stunlocked kid forever

#one of the few hopes i have left #every other one has been stomped into the ground lol...#getting older. getting therapy. taking meds #moving out of our childhood home (altho still with family which i know . is very not good 4 me)#it was all supposed to make me better #it was supposed to make life better #but it didnt #im still the ecact same #and my therapist keeps asking me what i expect to change and im too ashamed but.. most scared to answer #because im not ready for her to tell me it is unattainable #i need my last hope #i need the hope that i can be ok that i can feel different and Think different and experience things different #i think having my boyfriend has been the first time ive actually felt like i made it into the imagined hope #like i finally broke through #even before we started dating like #being able to actually be comfortable with someone for the first time maybe ever #ive never. had my fuckd up brain or body allow me that before #n theyre so fucking cool too #coolest person in the world #n i am so grateful 2 even get to chat w them #n that i get 2 love them #n that they take me as i am #even tho i still feel like i need 2 get better i need 2 improve #because they deserve the best u know #n they make it all seem possible #i hope they dont read this it is embarrassing #i say as if i havent told them before #but im just . in my feelings

12 notes · View notes

savcir-faire · 1 year

Text

taichi, he’s back!

…he’s back. arata’s come home.

#chihayafuru #ayase chihaya #mashima taichi #wataya arata #taichihayarata #this time on: this show makes my brain get hot like an old laptop #i translated taichi’s final line differently than the original subs bc #taichi says that arata ‘’kaette kita’’ [verb]#rather than arata ‘’deteru’’ which taichi said EARLIER THIS SAME EPISODE when he reluctantly informed chy that arata was here #meaning arata ‘’emerged/came out/participated’’ and has a neutral connotation #and taichi didn’t say ‘’modotte kita’’ which is another neutral way to say someone has ‘’come back/returned’’#taichi saying ‘’kaette kita’’ is an acknowledgment that arata has returned Home/to a place he Belongs #txtit #reftranslation #anyway this show is a dissertation on love and it drives me INSANE!!!#taichi looking past his own jealousy and feelings of inferiority; overturning #the zero sum mindset ingrained in him since childhood bc he looks at chihaya who is overflowing with simple abundant love #and admits to himself that despite all this unnecessary resentment he loves and misses arata too #((there is an interesting clumsily articulated though im having w taichi being the most materially wealthy chara #with the deepest emotional wounds bc of a learned scarcity mindset encouraged by the society that keeps him/his fam wealthy.#capitalism critique??? in my shoujo sports manga???? listen i’ll go there every time baby it’s not likely it’s inevitable.))#tags outta hand. sry

47 notes · View notes

identityarchitect · 10 months

Text

is it possible to be like. queerplatonic-repulsed the way people can be romance repulsed

#someone viewing our relationship as romantic (with my consent): sure whatever you can do that #someone viewing our relationship as platonic/friendship w/ my consent: sure thats chill and good #concept of being in a qpr or someone feeling queerplatonic attraction towards me: ehhhhhhhh #i dont even know how to describe this feeling?#maybe its just because its the only sort of attraction i dont have trauma around.#my brain just shuts down when i try and picture being in a traditional romantic relationship #i cant feel anything. when i think about its . im not really. there #and thats making me upset. dang okay #and like with friendships... ugh #its not quite the same but i just. feels badweird.#enforced alloromanticism i suppose.#still trying to figure out what the fuck my feelings are about platonic / friendship type relationships #but the thought of someone having queerplatonic attraction towards me makes me want to raise my hackles or bare my teeth #and the thought of getting into a queerplatonic relationship makes me want to run from it #although i dont know if i can separate that from my issues surrounding being. pressured? can i describe it as being pressured?#into a romantic relationship

9 notes · View notes

whumpshaped · 1 year

Text

cant stop thinking abt that reply to bram's post abt the abusive cluster b parents so just know if u were abused like that, first of all, samesies and it gave me cluster b pds as a result, second of all, i promise no one whos calling for understanding of cluster b ppl is invalidating ur experiences. if u feel like they ARE, i sincerely hope u realise u dont have to have a medical explanation for why others suck. if ur parents sucked, u can just say that, and its freeing, and focusing on behavioural patterns instead of diagnoses (which u most likely dont have access to when it comes to strangers) will allow u to weed out actual bad ppl and keep urself safe(er)

#i understand its easy and comfortable to latch onto labels especially when it comes to parents #i did it #then i was diagnosed w the same shit #that was my turning point i think #when i realised we have the same shit and yet i am actively working very hard to be kind and compassionate #i dont go out of my way to be mean #at some point u have to realise that some ppl r just evil and mean spirited #and pds arent indicative of how self aware or kind or polite or compassionate someone is #i'd argue most of us put in SO much work to know ourselves and our potentially harmful behavioural patterns #way more than a neurotypical who never bothered to look inward for even a second #'these stereotypes dont come from nothing'#no shit! my dad called me both borderline and narcissist as insults AND I TURNED OUT TO HAVE BOTH #but let me tell u smth #most of my symptoms? are fucking survival mechanisms i learned as a child to avoid getting hurt. because thats what the brain does.#u know what else didnt come from thin air? sayings like hurt people hurt people #plus my victim complex allows me to write banger complaint letters now so theres that #look around u and be very comfortable w the fact that ur probably surrounded by a bunch of cluster b ppl that u adore #bc we're just ppl too #and ur doing urself a disservice trying to spot us #cluster b ppl can be evil ppl just as neurotypicals but they can also be ur friend who struggles w insecurities and is a huge ppl pleaser #bc they read the ableist posts too and they know everyone in the mainstream world thinks theyre evil #and when if u told them 'well my cluster b parents were abusive' in a less accusatory tone #maybe theyd look u in the eye w compassion and say 'yea i know how that feels and im here for u'

25 notes · View notes

piplupod · 3 months

Text

mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset

#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul #and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately #been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies #and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl #im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired #it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand #and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife #and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre #and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone #but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn #bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief #i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling #and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it #like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere #im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues #to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back #and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe #a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated #who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that #it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable #okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc #one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #self harm mention

3 notes · View notes

atlas-five · 6 months

Text

thinking about helen distortion again

#something i really love about her is how different she is from michael #cuz like. michael was forced into being the distortion (and vice versa ofc)#but helen found her way into it on her own #no help no map nothing like that #she just did #and she embodies more of the direct lying of the distortion more than michael did (from what we are shown anyways)#so i wonder how much of her life she spent lying to herself and/or the world #that convo she has w jon in the tunnels sticks out to me especially cuz shes like #“yeah. realized i wasnt going to stop eating people so i stopped caring”#did michael have the same feeling? part of me thinks no not really #at least not in the same way #michael as the distortion always describes himself w such contempt #he didn't want to be michael. and i don't think michael wanted to be the distortion either #i wonder how much helen denied what she was before just accepting it #cuz she doesnt really seem to have any of the same self hatred as michael #maybe becoming helen gave it back its purpose #maybe bcuz it happened “naturally” (finding her way into being the distortion) instead of having someone forced into it #here i go rambling again #helen distortion #sidenote but I do wish that bith distortions got more fucked up laughing in tbh #the sound makes me brain buzz /pos

2 notes · View notes

bunnihearted · 2 months

Text

🍓

#i cant do a thing abt it but oh it hurts #and i feel bad bc i feel like he'd think im selfish?#i want him to be happy but cant i be hurt? cant i be sad too?#and i wont chase him. i'd never do anything like that. 9/10 if i dont *feel* wanted regardless of truth #im out of there bc i have avpd </3 #but i cling to him?? i mean in an emotional way. like i never put up walls in my mind to numb my feelings for him the way i do w avpd #why is he so different from everyone else for my brqin and heart? i mean i obvi i think hes amazing #but i dont get why my brain doesnt protect me emotion and feeling wise the way it does w everything else #how could he cross all of those boundaries and walls my brain has put in place?#this is why i thought i had found my person. but it gets tricky when i am not his person #nor do i think i can be whrn he's chosen someone else. (i get that i really really do and thats why it hurts sm)#but yeah i'd never chase.. bc like why would i? when i know he didnt choose me to give a chance to. i'd never be as arrogant to try to #think i could be worth a chance or that i could do anything abt it.#so even if it's selfish i hurt sm. even tho at the same time i want him to have what he wants even if it isnt me and never was #bc i do also think.. even if it makes me sound naive.. or actually maybe this is just how *i* feel #if u love someone sm and truly want to be w them u find a way to get there. which i wanted to do bc yeah.. i felt like he was my person #but it's just me. it's me alone in this room and i cant.. stay in here forever bc how is that a life? :(#so idk ig i'll hurt and ache and be in pain for a while. and hopefully one day be able to move on #but facing the world & future without him and not knowing if we'll even talk again is so scary and so hard :(#and like will *i* ever find someone who lights my heart on fire and makes me deeply feel and not being so scared i turn away from it?#the way he does... idk :(#i cant even imagine wanting anyone else but.. im alone in that feeling too so.. it is what it is it is what it is it is what it is

3 notes · View notes

littlekingbergara · 1 year

Text

i'm excited to move but i'm So Anxious about quitting my job. i've kept putting off telling them but i think i just need to get it out. and the thing is i never wanted to be here and i am getting so tired and sad and feeling so stuck i just need to get out. even if that means moving back to my hometown. and geographically it's closer to where i want to be.

#sorry 2 keep personal posting tonight. but i'm like Ready but i'm Anxious bc things are starting to go really well at work. and we're all #pretty much leaving at the same time. but i have to not feel guilty for what i'm leaving behind. that's not my responsibility.#i've been like ok i'll wait for the new installation. i'll wait for the website to go live. i'll wait for after graduations.#and now i'm like do i wait for after my vacation or do i tell them asap so they can hire someone and i can train them. and i planned on #doing it this morning but my boss was in and out before i got in. but tomorrow i should be alone w my other boss at some point.#and if not then i'll be with them both on saturday. welcome to my brain thanks 4 reading my thought process. my tummy hurts about all of it #and sorry 2 sound like a 2013 pop punk song?? but i do hate this town.#ri.txt

16 notes · View notes

trans-leek-cookie · 8 months

Text

as a certified Aromantic Asexual (I should make myself a certificate) I genuinely don't Believe there is systemic oppression that specifically targets Aromantic or Asexual people.

I do however believe that people Cannot be normal about ppl who don't have sex or romantic relationships, and that can Really Impact Aromantic And Asexual People.

Also like. Aros n aces are still. Experiences Other forms of oppression that can interact with the aro and/or ace-ness