#hawkinslead

[trustbitchin]

☆

send me the good ‘ ☆ ‘ and my ass is gon’ school you on how El would mourn your death // (ACCEPTING) - @hawkinslead

Oh G O D I’m gonna’ D I E  A L O N E !!

    This T O W N is so B L E A K. They are barely afloat. But she is far B E T T E R off than him. How perfectly O D D. Should it not be the other way A R O U N D? He has a G O O D family, suffered from a perfectly L O V I N G childhood. But one forgets that even the most picture P E R F E C T life…can be anything B U T that.

    One D A Y in particular, he finally spits out those T E R R I F Y I N G words. Mike Wheeler is talking L I F E and D E A T H. The first time it’s ever uttered, poor I G N O R A N T teen had to search that word on her L A P T O P.

suicide

[soo-uh-sahyd]

noun

the intentional taking of one’s own life.

destruction of one’s own interests or prospects:Buying that house was financial suicide.

a person who intentionally takes his or her own life.

    She S I T S at that D E S K and her world C R U M B L E S before her. This is not a J O K E. And if it is? She isn’t L A U G H I N G. Behind on the S O C I A L curve indeed, but some things are pure I N S T I N C T. She tries– good G O D she T R I E S. The L A T E night texts B R E A K her H E A R T and those W A T E R Y eyes send her into a M E L A N C H O L Y frenzy. 

    L A N K Y framed B O Y often C L I  M B S into her window after F A T H E R falls A S L E E P. Those are the N I G H T S she knows he N E E D S her most. C O V E R S are drawn down, welcoming his S I C K form, “You make me think about a muffin.” And when S A D little B O Y inquires about the rather P E C U L I A R statement, a V I D E O is pulled up on her phone. The music is U P B E A T and rather C R Y P T I C. It depicts a C A R T O O N  M U F F I N singing about his W O E S, “A muffin, Mike.” It’s the S T R A N G E S T attempt to make him feel B E T T E R, but she is no A V E R A G E Jane, after all.

Ha, I’m a muffin.And it’s muffin time.Who wants a muffin?Please, I just wanna die!!Hey, somebody kill me.Please, it’s muffin time.Have you had a muffin today?I wanna die, die die!!  

    The underlying T H E M E is M O R B I D indeed. Yet she W A T C H E S him manage the most B I T T E R S W E E T smile between tear filled E Y E S and R E D nose. Perhaps he is T H A N K F U L that instead of D I S M I S S I N G his feelings ( much like his family does!! ), she C H O O S E S to U N D E R S T A N D instead. You want to die, it’s not okay, but I understand. 

It’s muffin time,‘Cause I wanna die, die, die!!

    And those bittersweet T E A R S are shared that evening in S I L E N C E ( save for a few little chuckles because, hey!! that song is kind of catchy!! ) on that E V E N I N G. There’s a C O D E  W O R D for his so easily dismissed F E E L I N G S now.

Please somebody kill me!!Please, it’s muffin time!!

‘How are you, Mike?’‘It’s muffin time.’‘Please not yet.’‘I can’t keep doing this.’‘Yes you can…always here. Promise.’

    She remembers how C O L D it felt. The very F I R S T snow of the S E A S O N and she’s buzzing with excitement. El liked S N O W. She remembers how her T E X T message went U N A N S W E R E D before S C H O O L ( Snowman after school please!! ). And that’s not N O R M A L for M I K E. And she remembers how she felt R E S T L E S S the entire M O R N I N G because he hadn’t shown up that day. And she remembers that his F A T H E R had been working all day ( as always!! ) and his M O T H E R had been out S H O P P I N G. And she R E M E M B E R S how she R A N up those stairs with his mother. And to their H O R R O R…….

    ….And she remembers how C O L D he felt when she H E L D his H A N D S and hugged his E M P T Y shell. This is the M O M E N T her own B O D Y began to R O T with P O I S O N O U S thoughts. She has no reason to B E H A V E anymore. Every W I N D O W of that H O U S E shattered to oblivion that D A Y. She S P O K E in fragmented S T A T E M E N T S cursing his N E G LE C T F U L father and his C A R E L E S S mother ( she’s a good mother!! truly she is!! she’s just angry and upset!! ) who so easily S H O T down his constant P L E A D I N G for H E L P. ( i know you think you’re depressed but you’re not!! school just has you stressed but you’ll be okay!! ) L I G H T S will F L I C K E R and P O W E R will surge. She will C R Y and S C R E A M like a B A N S H E E from H E L L, and eventually, teenage G I R L will pass out from the heartbroken E N E R G Y she’s exerted.

Today is the D A Y. She’s dressed in B L A C K from head to toe with a half finished C I G A R E T T E nursed between her fingers. She can’t go in there, she just can’t. It’s O P E N casket and she’s S P O R T I N G her H E A R T on her S L E E V E. Dear Will ( bless his heart!! ) S Q U E E Z E S her shoulder and for O N C E doesn’t comment about how he W I S H E S she wouldn’t S M O K E. Because even if he’s completely correct ( hell, even she knows it!! ), the circumstances are different right now.

   Together they E N T E R that eerily S I L E N T room. Dustin and Lucas are in the corner, rehashing old S T O R I E S of their best D&D campaigns with Bill and Richie. They’re damn S T R O N G for holding their composure. Will P O L I T E L Y asks ( through tear stained cheeks!! he’s been crying on and off all day!! ) if he can A C C O M P A N Y her in this moment. She respectfully D E C L I N E S. She needs to do this alone.

    The W A L K feels endless and now she is sewn firmly to the floor K N E E L I N G before his L I F E L E S S form. What H U R T S her sad H E A R T the most, is just how P E A C E F U L he looks, because that’s exactly what he W A N T E D. It’s exactly W H Y he did this. He’s pulled her heart right from her C H E S T and B E A T E N it violently in front of her. There are no W O R D S for her to P O U R out onto S A T I N lining and frigid S K I N. 

    …Because what can you say about 353 D A Y S? First K I S S E S? First D A N C E S? Endless L A U G H T E R? Stupid J O K E S? Pointless F I G H T S? Never calling him B O Y F R I E N D and never saying she’s his G I R L F R I E N D, but knowing damn well they belong to E A C H O T H E R and they are E X C L U S I V E in that right. What can you say about the B O Y who gave you a fucking C H A N C E in this E V I L world who T R U S T E D everything about you– and gave you a god damn N A M E to stand on?!

You can’t.You can’t S A Y anything, because there’s too much to say. Too many M E M O R I E S.

    The S T O M A C H acid B U R N S and she’s ready to P R O J E C T I L E when Karen Wheeler kneels beside her, “There’s…” She C U T S herself O F F, wiping T E A R S from that grieving face, “H-He wrote a letter-h. A-and in it h-he requested you have this-h.” The B O X is handed off. And she takes it without a word. Nothing but N O D is presented before she excuses herself outside of the building for a S M O K E and a M I N U T E. 

    The box is O P E N E D revealing an O L D CD player, and…a M I X CD:

Please listen to this. I made it for you.And please don’t be mad. I just had to.I’m so sorry, El.

    H E A D P H O N E S warm C H I L L E D ears on this icy E V E N I N G. She’ll press P L A Y and in that I N S T A N T? When the M E L O D Y begins, N U M B exterior is finally D E S T R O Y E D like the deadliest E X P L O S I O N:

Please I wanna–Die, die, die.Die, die, die.It’s muffin time,‘Cause I wanna die, die, die!!

    That stupid fucking song. THAT STUPID FUCKING SONG!! H A N D is closed over T R E M B L I N G lips as C I G A R E T T E is carelessly dropped onto the wet C O N C R E T E. She no L O N G E R remembers how to B R E A T H E or how to F U N C T I O N. She grabs hold of herself and rocks gently B A C K and F O R T H as she allows D I S T R A U G H T hysterics to completely T A K E  O V E R, “I-I-hhh-hlovedyou-h-h!” How is she E X P E C T E D to continue when her body physically H U R T S and her C H E S T feels like it’s on F I R E? Will this ever go away?

    But sometimes L O V E isn’t enough. Maybe she will never be W H O L E again. Because her S A V I N G grace had spent so much time S A V I N G her, that he no longer had the A B I L I T Y to S A V E himself. Her F R I E N D S will surround her– ready to pull her into the T I G H T E S T of H U G S. But she will R E F U S E every single one of them because: none of you are him.

None of you are him. And that’s the only person I want to hug ever again. 

[oathmade]

       the  only  relic  of  derry  life  was  his  walkie. well  used,  the  tape  that  labled  it  as  his  was  wearing  off.   was  there  any  need  for  it  ??  there  wasn’t  anyone  else  that  he  was  going  to  talk  to.  why  even  keep  it.  he  sighed,  holding  the  radio  in  his  hand,  and  on  a  whim  he  turned  the  dial  to  channel  ten.  it  was  a  child’s  wish  to  hear  richie’s  voice  on  the  other  end,  in  one  of  his  VOICES.  maybe  mike,  and  stan, eddie. “  th-this  is  bill,  signing  on  i-in  d-duh-derry,  a-an-anyone  ou-out  there ?? ”  

@hawkinslead ♥

[hevoiced]

@hawkinslead ------ MIKE WHEELER / IT’S HARD TO BE SOMEONE BUT IT ALL WORKS OUT.

       “wot-wot! ‘ello mate! ‘ave you seen one of ‘em fuckin’--- ‘em waterclosets!” richie could, perhaps, really pass for a british exchange student if not for his pitiful toodles the english butler voice. it’s very barely an accent and still mostly sounds like richie. still, he greets mike in the voice rather than his own, grinning from ear to ear.

[bedofembers]

there goes my grandma.

shit my friends said | accepting

                “she’s really -- ” old. “lively.”

                 beverly isn’t particularly certain how to behave around someone else’s grandmother.  ( to be perfectly honest, she wouldn’t be sure how to behave around her own, if she ever saw her. )  her own family is small, extending not much further than her mother and father.  in truth, she isn’t even entirely sure what other family she has; they certainly didn’t get visits in derry.

[boybard]

‘  she’s  out  of  pudding  .  again  .  ’  dustin  huffs  annoyed  ,  placing  his  tray  on  the  table  .  ‘  i  swear  to  god  .  i  know  she’s  hoarding  it  but  i  can’t  confront  her  about  it  .  ’  he  huffs  annoyed  ,  glancing  over  at  mike  .  ‘  this  fucking  blows  .  ’

@hawkinslead  /  starter  call

[zombcy]

why do i follow u? because you're amazing and brilliant and i'm ur number one fan. ok but seriously the way you write will is so spot on that i'm completely convinced you are will byers half the time. every sentence you write is literally in his voice entirely and it blows me away every single day. just to KNOW you personally too is one of the greatest joys of my life

CHY I LOVE AND ADORE YOU AND I’M SO HAPPY YOU’RE BACK WRITING MY FAVORITE BOY !! your mike is absolutely perfect and so amazing and you understand him so so so well and it’s such a privilege to write with you? i also just love you with my whole heart and am so thankful that we’re friends and that i’ve had you all this time, and hopefully for so much longer as well. you’re amazing and talented and fantastic, and genuinely one of the kindest people i’ve ever met in my life, and i adore you.

Anonymously tell me why you follow me.  //  @hawkinslead

[hevoiced]

@hawkinslead ------ MIKE WHEELER FUCKING SUCKS.

      “---why in the fuck do you look like a frog?”

[trustbitchin]

Wow, so this is a bit exciting! I know I’ve been quiet for just over a week now, but things have been going on ooc that’ve been super stressful. BUT!!! I just came back from my semi stress induced hiatus and found that I surpassed 100 followers! So that’s kinda’ neat af! So it’s time for some shout outs, ay? God I hope I don’t forget any of y’all but my memory has been a disaster so if I do I’m so fuckin’ sorry and it ain’t anything personal I promise! So without further ado...Philip Defranco vc: SUP YA BEAUTIFUL BASTARDS, I HOPE YOU’RE HAVIN’ A FANTASTIC FRIDAY WELCOME BACK TO MY RP BLOG AND LET’S JUST JUMP INTO IT!

And the first person I want to talk about today, by far one of the most requested people in my life is the girl behind @zombcy. For those of you who don’t know, Reed and I actually met back when season two of Stranger Things basically first dropped and bonded over Will and El and the friendship sort of just went off from there. From that moment on it went from IC discussions that were sometimes hours long to ooc discussions that could sometimes be even longer-- so much so that we actually met up in person together and had a fucking blast together. Needless to say Reed is definitely one of my soul sisters for life and she makes me emotional in that I am so honored and lucky every day to know someone like her and I genuinely don’t know where I would be right now if I didn’t have her. So thank you for being you, Reed. Your portrayal of Will is absolutely breath-taking and the life and effort you put into him truly shows and I love you so much.

Then in slightly more insane news, let’s talk about this situation involving two friends who kind of drifted for a while and then somehow managed to find each other by chance in the rp community again. And the person I’m referring to is @voicemade. Charles, you are the worlds most handsomest man and a budding witch with a whole future of magic and enchantment ahead of him. I thought of you every day and missed you so much during the months we parted ways and I swear to god this time, now that we’ve found each other I refuse to let go of you because my life is so much sweeter, lighter, and brighter with you in it. You make me laugh, blush, smile-- you’re just such a good guy and an excellent friend with such a passion for the characters you write and I wish one day to be half the writer you are. I really fucking love you and I’m so glad to have you in my life!

AND FROM THAT, I WANNA’ SHARE SOME MORE PEOPLE I LOVE TODAY AND TODAY IN AWESOME BROUGHT TO YOU BY SEATGEEK...

@lovermade Bri, you are an absolute shining light okay? And your take on Eddie is absolutely flawless. Whether you know it or not, you are beautiful inside and out-- your eyes alone knock my socks off. You’re fucking hilarious. You immensely talented-- you have a wonderful gift and you’ve been getting me through one of the toughest points in my life and I only hope that I can do the same for you. Because you deserve all things good and lovely and kind. And I just hope that life will be kind to you and always be kind to you. You are truly one of my best friends-- and you’re another soul sister of mine. No matter what your doubts may tell you: please don’t ever change, because everything about you is so bright and wonderful. I ALSO LOVE YOU.

@packedmind LISTEN THE FUCC TO ME ELI, YOU CRACK ME THE FUCK UP AND I JUST REALLY LOVE YOU. I think honestly you have such a creative way of viewing characters from all angles and you make plotting and writing a lot of fun and you’re just such a teddy bear. I feel like I can tell you anything and you would immediately try to understand and just do whatever you could. I just hope you know that if you ever need somebody, I got you already? It’s an honor to be able to call you a writing partner. I will always be grateful!

@punchesback YOU!!! ARE!!! ABSOLUTELY!!! FLAWLESS!!! AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I love your Joyce AND your Lucas and I love that we can talk for hours about character theories, opinions, and plot ideas together constantly. Because I love knowing that there are people here who are just as passionate about these characters as I am. You’re so fucking smart and you’re so easy to talk to. Your speaking voice alone is just so warm and welcoming and your writing even comes of that way too-- like a paint brush that glides across a canvas with water colors. It’s such a gift, truly, to be your friend. Please keep on truckin’.

@dartmouthed YOU HAVE THE CUTEST VOICE IN VC CHATS AND ALSO I LOVE YOUR WRITING AND WE SHOULD DO MORE OF THAT. I’ve always adored you, even from afar because I tend to be the worlds shyest person of 2018, maybe ever. But I love talking to you and I really just enjoy seeing you on my dash and watching you pour that silly curly haired boy a big tall glass of goofy mixed with heart. I love your portrayal and I love you so fucking much. Also your laugh is 10/10 would make you laugh just to hear you laugh.

@hawkinslead / @quaevivit CHYNNA!!!!!!! I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! AND I LOVE YOUR WHOLESOME CANADIAN HEART. You are a true ride or die and that goes both ways. You’re generous, beautiful, sweet and an amazing writer and some of my best memories over the past few months have been with you. You’ve gotten me through some pretty rough times and honestly I hope that you’ll be a friend for life. And I think you will be. Because I know even when we get busy and can’t talk for a few days for whatever reason: we can pick up where we left off and that will always be something I’m grateful for. I want to talk to you about collecting records and taking silly polaroid pictures and tease you about Degrassi for the rest of my life. I love you always, alright?

@loyaltyburdened You will always, always get a special shout out because you were the very first person to interact with my Eleven back when I started my blog in October and honestly after not having written or role-played in years, that’s something I’m never going to forget and it still sticks with me to this day. I was so nervous and you melted away every concern I had. I am so fucking grateful with you because I think without you...I may have just not even bothered try. I might have very well just given up. And then I would have missed out on meeting a bunch of incredible people (including you!) so I am forever thankful for you. Always. Thank you so much for giving me that chance...thank you so much for being so kind and welcoming.

And just some final little honorable mentions to: @boybard @derryfright @byerstrange @boyfading @boyfound @shezooms @floatedtoo @derryrich

And if you wanna’ see the full versions of any blogs I mentioned today-- anything at all, links are in the description just above! And that’s where I’m going to end today’s follow forever and remember if you liked what you read today HIT THAT LIKE BUTTON and if you’re new to this blog be sure to hit that SUBSCRIBE FOLLOW button and as always my name is trustbitchin I love yo’ faces and I’ll see you tomorrow!

[hevoiced]

when you and your friends make a meme together and no one else sends you asks from it except those friends and you don’t care because you guys are having too much fucking fun @hawkinslead / @bedofembers / @zombcy / @dartmouthed / @punchesback

[trustbitchin]

starter call // @hawkinslead

    S O M B E R wind blows through dark H A I R of M E L A N C H O L Y boy and mustard colored D R E S S of B I T T E R girl. Evenings grow C O L D E R as S U M M E R reaches its final L A P of muggy A I R and thick F O G. They lean against the L A R G E S T tree in the vicinity, no W O R D S to be S P O K E N. No J U D G E M E N T to be C A S T. Some days, they have N O T H I N G to say. Because the souls turn N U M B and seem as though they’re S L E E P I N G for D A Y S and unable to wake. They are not T H E M S E L V E S. And they haven’t been for quite some time, “Bad again?” Inquired with slight C O N C E R N, “They don’t listen to you.” And that S H A T T E R S what little bit of her H E A R T is left, “...I’m sorry.”

Your family sucks, sometimes.