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[thisisgoodbye]

my final letter to him

I can't do this anymore. I can't be your friend and to be blunt I don't want to be right now. You will never understand how much you hurt me and I've accepted that. The past is the past I can't forget what happened and I probably never will. With saying that I wouldn't be human if I didn't cherish all the good memories. I work day by day to push the bad ones out of my mind. You were once my best friend and now I have no idea who you are. Im not perfect I know I've done wrong in my life and our relationship but I'm not going to play into your games anymore. You know that necklace meant the world to me just like you once did and you are the one who broke the promise that came with it so you asking for it back blows me away but doesn't surprise me. Sometimes you have to burn bridges to prevent yourself from crossing them again. In the end this is 100% on you. You broke us. You made the decision not me. I never wanted any of this. I'm sorry it had to come to this but I'm putting myself and my feelings first and all this back and forth hurts me too much. Today is another prime example of that. I know you'll think I'm childish, immature, a bitch and whatever else for not wanting to stay friends but at the end of the day I do not care what you think of me anymore. You lost that respect when you shattered my world into a million pieces and left me alone to clean up the mess. I have never felt more confident in myself and where I am in life than I do right now and ill be damned to keep someone in my life who compromises that. So thank you for putting me through hell because I came out of it standing on two feet and stronger than ever. Im over it. I'm done.

[thisisgoodbye]

[thisisgoodbye]

We are just strangers with some memories.

[thisisgoodbye]

[thisisgoodbye]

She’s like smoke: you think you’re seeing her clearly enough, but when you reach for her there’s nothing there.

[thisisgoodbye]

nine

I don’t get it you know. Why can't I get over this. Why do I still feel so torn up and broken inside. Its not fair. I want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop missing him. I hate everything that reminds me of him and us and honestly I hate him for what he's done to me. I never was the type of person to get anxiety or get depressed and now I can't get rid of either of those. Even still some nights I find myself sitting alone and crying sometimes post panic attack. Its not even that I want it all back. I cry because of the pain he caused me that still hurts like hell. I feel like I shouldn't blame him, like it is wrong to blame others for my internal struggles. But I do. Because before any of this I was completely happy with my life and he screwed it up. I get so angry at the fact that I can't see what everyone else sees. They all say how far I've come and how strong I am and I still feel like this shell of a human most of the time. How long will it take for all this to pass? Sometimes I think maybe never. Its so hard to explain to people how I feel because i know most won't understand. Every single day seems to be a struggle. Everyday is a uphill battle but I can not give up. I will not give up on healing and finding myself again. I will not give up.

[thisisgoodbye]

Sometimes you have to burn bridges to stop yourself from crossing them again.

[thisisgoodbye]

[thisisgoodbye]

eight

Here’s to learning how to be single. Totally not meaning to reference the movie but it was a fantastic flick and so relatable for me. Anyway its true. Learning to be single is an adventure and I’m loving it. This is my time to figure out who I am what I want in life without worrying about someone else. This past week I’ve gotten settled in my new place and hung out with some new friends and of course my goofy sister. Carter, who is one of my good friends and also kind of my boss, took me for dinner. He came by to see my new place and then took me to see his condo along with a tour of the city. He bought me dinner and after driving around we came back to my place smoked a J and watched transformers (disclaimer I may indulge in mary jane from time to time I have no shame). Honestly it was one of the best evenings I’ve had in a while. Just have good conversation with someone and hangout with no strings attached. My ex would never let that fly he was to jealous and controlling and always made be feel like I had to be with him. Moving here was like a breath of fresh air. Oh ps he still tries to contact me. We have engaged in very vague conversation and once he even called me and left a voicemail saying he wanted to hear my voice and blah blah blah. I just wanted to say no! you don’t have the luxury of hearing my voice you lost that privilege when you walked out on me and on us, dick. Anyway thats enough of that before I go into another full on rant. Back to learning single girl things. Lesson #1 flirting is okay. It is not a crime to flirt with all the boys in the world as long as you don’t kiss all of them haha. Flirting is fun and it makes you feel special and that someone thinks of you in the same way. It felt weird at first and by no means am I looking for a relationship anytime soon but its fun and all part of enjoying being single. No harm done.

So this weekend is easter weekend and my parents came out to visit, stay with my sister and cook easter dinner. My dad has yet to see my new crib so I’m sure he will be inspecting it at some point as dads do. Im going to take the night at home and head out to my sisters tomorrow for a few nights and will try and sneak in a ride with P depending on the weather. Its nice to have family so close again, I missed that the most. Granted it can be overwhelming at times but I would be lost without their help. Sometimes I have to take a reality check and remember that I am only 22 not 32 and accepting help from family is okay. Then I got other exciting news the other day. Remember a few posts back I talked about the boy I fell head over heals for in Europe? wellllllll his sister lives out close to my sister, which is only half hour away, and he’s coming to visit. We have not seen each other in almost two years. Crazy how time flies. Yet we talk everyday now. I am oddly crazy excited for him to visit I miss my friends, especially the special ones like him. Side note I live in Canada and am from British Columbia but now live in Alberta which is one province over and most of my friends are still in BC. Always something happening in my life and everyday is a new adventure and brings new reasons to smile along the way.

[thisisgoodbye]

seven

Well its been a minute. The past month of my life has been such a whirlwind. But i have made crazy changes and am finally settled in my new life. So update time. I am now completely happy in my new condo and am in love with it. I love going home at then end of the day and enjoying my own little home. I love my job out here. Working for the same company and just transferring when you move has it perks. But the shop out here is beautiful and modern and everything brand new compared to Kelowna. My co workers are pretty dope too, again all boys which is amazing. Ive spent the past few weeks just getting settled. Mum and shelby came out and helped me build my Ikea furniture last weekend so I have a real bed and am not sleeping on a blowup mattress anymore which is a huggggeeee bonus. Its all coming together.

The biggest part of all these big changes and moving on that I struggle with I that everyday people tell me how strong I am and how proud they are of me for coming such long way since it all first started. But I have a really hard time seeing what everyone else sees. And honsetly I am mad at him for doing this to me. I blame him for making me feel like it was my fault when it was not at all. I blame him, which some may is silly or immature but its true. Then again I have to look back and think that what he did was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. Yes, we had great times (as any relationship does), yes I was completely blindsided by the break up but look at me now. I get to be 22 single living in a super cool city in my sweet little bachelorette pad, and going to school full time and working full time. It could of turned out worse if you ask me. Lastly on the touchy subject I have to talk about one more thing. With going through all this I experienced my first taste of anxiety which is not easy to admit. It started with panic attacks when the whole break up first happened. I remember sitting in my closet not being able to breath and shaking after he left. The feeling of overwhelming emotions is terrifying. It progressed into little things stressing me out and overwhelming me a lot easier than I can ever recall in my past. The first night I moved into my new place I broke down and had a massive panic attack which was beyond my control. To not be able to stop crying and your heart feels like it is going to beat out of your chest and have your hands shaking so much you can’t even hold a glass of water is a feeling indescribable. Not knowing how to handle these attacks is even scarier. Luckily for me I have the worlds greatest support system, my family. Without them and my best friend I don’t know how I would of gotten through. My sister especially. With her knowing all about anxiety and how to deal with it she is the only person that can talk me down until I’m calm again. I would be so lost without her. Im learning now how to deal with these attacks when they happen one day at a time and focus on all the good in my life because little did I know there is a lot of good still to come.

[thisisgoodbye]

six

i'm like snow, beautiful but cold.

[thisisgoodbye]

I will never regret you, or say that I wish i'd never met you. Because once upon a time, you were exactly what I needed.

[thisisgoodbye]

#madworld

[thisisgoodbye]

You can't change what's done, you can't go back in time, you can't try and change the hurt feelings or mend the broken hearts. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and each day at a time keep putting one foot infront of the other.

[thisisgoodbye]

i grew up on this.

[thisisgoodbye]

five

Day by day. Thats what everyone says to me. Take all the feelings, emotions, struggles, and problems day by day. Some days seem endless, some seem as if they end too quickly. Its funny just how much of a struggle it is learning to be on your own again, even though it hasn’t been that long since you last were. I spent every day for the past year and a half not only worrying about myself but about my other half. Now its only me and what I want to do and how I feel. Sure nights get lonely and my phone goes hours without ringing from a call or a text. I spend so much time thinking about him. I wonder what he’s doing and make assumptions about how he is feeling in my head. Then when I finally catch myself I think why am I thinking about him. He is no longer mine to worry about. He sure isn’t sitting around worrying about me. He has his friends, family and now career. Me, I don’t matter anymore. Not to him anyway. Sometimes I sit and wonder if it all was real or if it was all some sort of fantasy in my head. Did I create this fantasy of a perfect relationship in my head there for making myself not see any of the problems? was I that blinded by love? I honestly have no idea. Today I sit in a quiet little coffee shop just down from my house sipping on delicious tea the barista recommended. I sit here while he is packing his stuff and moving it and him out of my life. With him goes all our memories. There is a certain feeling of helplessness you feel while going through a break up. Now, I have never been on the other end of this, unfortunately I’ve always been for lack of better terms the “dumpee” not the dumper. That awful feeling that you honestly have no say in a break up, because well truth you don’t. It takes two to make a relationship work and only takes one to break it. I couldn’t make him change his mind, I couldn’t make him stay if he had already checked out on me, I can not make him love me. I was/am helpless. The only person I have the ability to help in this situation is me. The way I see it I could handle this one of two ways. One would be to dwell and sit around pining for him and thinking of all the what ifs. I could sit and overthink everything he says or does. Or two I can start putting one foot in front of the other every single day to move forward. So thats what I am trying to do. This weekend is the first weekend here without him and alone. No friends or family close, its going to be a challenge but I’m up for it. Just going to try an keep busy and keep myself occupied. Life will go on thats what I keep telling myself. It will get better. The sun will shine for me again. Day by day.

[thisisgoodbye]

four

Looking around this amazing world I have seen love in so many different ways. As cynical and dark as I am, I love love simple as that. I love feeling it amongst people, hearing it in music, seeing it on tv or in the movies. I traveled Europe a few years back for four months. As I traveled from country to country I saw love in all fashions. I saw families with massive smiles stretched across their faces as they experience new cultures and sights for the first time together. I saw love struck couples who you could tell by just one glance were unconditionally and irrevocably involve. I met people who fell involve with places and cultures. I met people who have fallen back involve with them selves. Then I ran into a boy. This boy has beautiful blue eyes and longish blonde hair and is probably the happiest most carefree person I have ever met. Running into this boy from my hometown in a Florence Italy, I mean come on if thats not meant to be I don’t know what is. I can't make this shit up. Side note like I have said before I am a strong believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason. So we adventured and explored Italy and Greece together. I will forever be thankful for him and showing up in my life when he did. He showed me what its like to be completely free and live as if nobody else exists. Together we drank, walked (a lot), explored, swam, froze, drove, laughed and so much more. It was easy, it was simple and natural our connection. One night I left my hostel in Rome in the pouring rain and went to meet up with him. We didn't know what to do or where to go so we chose to stand in the pouring rain in a little doorway nook of a beautiful building. We talked about anything and everything for hours as our boots filled up with puddles of water, then with dripping hair and soggy clothes we kissed and it was as if nothing else existed in that moment. Pure Bliss. The kiss is not that stood out to me, although it was good...really good. It was the action the stood out. The action of doing something completely unexpected and crazy that makes you feel so alive. This taught me that when you least expect it someone could walk into your life and completely change everything. Today, no matter what, he remains one of my best friends and one I know I will have for life. He may never know how much of an effect meeting him had on me. I remember standing at a beautiful view point in Santorini in Greece surrounded by these amazing people who wondered into my life thinking how can this all be real, how can this be my life. I stood with all my senses open feeling the warm breeze blowing my hair everywhere. That was the last time I felt completely at peace and happy with every aspect in my life. Right then in that moment it was just me and I was free.