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trustbitchin · 6 years

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☆

send me the good ‘ ☆ ‘ and my ass is gon’ school you on how El would mourn your death // (ACCEPTING) - @hawkinslead

Oh G O D I’m gonna’ D I E A L O N E !!

This T O W N is so B L E A K. They are barely afloat. But she is far B E T T E R off than him. How perfectly O D D. Should it not be the other way A R O U N D? He has a G O O D family, suffered from a perfectly L O V I N G childhood. But one forgets that even the most picture P E R F E C T life…can be anything B U T that.

One D A Y in particular, he finally spits out those T E R R I F Y I N G words. Mike Wheeler is talking L I F E and D E A T H. The first time it’s ever uttered, poor I G N O R A N T teen had to search that word on her L A P T O P.

suicide

[soo-uh-sahyd]

noun

the intentional taking of one’s own life.

destruction of one’s own interests or prospects:Buying that house was financial suicide.

a person who intentionally takes his or her own life.

She S I T S at that D E S K and her world C R U M B L E S before her. This is not a J O K E. And if it is? She isn’t L A U G H I N G. Behind on the S O C I A L curve indeed, but some things are pure I N S T I N C T. She tries– good G O D she T R I E S. The L A T E night texts B R E A K her H E A R T and those W A T E R Y eyes send her into a M E L A N C H O L Y frenzy.

L A N K Y framed B O Y often C L I M B S into her window after F A T H E R falls A S L E E P. Those are the N I G H T S she knows he N E E D S her most. C O V E R S are drawn down, welcoming his S I C K form, “You make me think about a muffin.” And when S A D little B O Y inquires about the rather P E C U L I A R statement, a V I D E O is pulled up on her phone. The music is U P B E A T and rather C R Y P T I C. It depicts a C A R T O O N M U F F I N singing about his W O E S, “A muffin, Mike.” It’s the S T R A N G E S T attempt to make him feel B E T T E R, but she is no A V E R A G E Jane, after all.

Ha, I’m a muffin.And it’s muffin time.Who wants a muffin?Please, I just wanna die!!Hey, somebody kill me.Please, it’s muffin time.Have you had a muffin today?I wanna die, die die!!

The underlying T H E M E is M O R B I D indeed. Yet she W A T C H E S him manage the most B I T T E R S W E E T smile between tear filled E Y E S and R E D nose. Perhaps he is T H A N K F U L that instead of D I S M I S S I N G his feelings ( much like his family does!! ), she C H O O S E S to U N D E R S T A N D instead. You want to die, it’s not okay, but I understand.

It’s muffin time,‘Cause I wanna die, die, die!!

And those bittersweet T E A R S are shared that evening in S I L E N C E ( save for a few little chuckles because, hey!! that song is kind of catchy!! ) on that E V E N I N G. There’s a C O D E W O R D for his so easily dismissed F E E L I N G S now.

Please somebody kill me!!Please, it’s muffin time!!

‘How are you, Mike?’‘It’s muffin time.’‘Please not yet.’‘I can’t keep doing this.’‘Yes you can…always here. Promise.’

She remembers how C O L D it felt. The very F I R S T snow of the S E A S O N and she’s buzzing with excitement. El liked S N O W. She remembers how her T E X T message went U N A N S W E R E D before S C H O O L ( Snowman after school please!! ). And that’s not N O R M A L for M I K E. And she remembers how she felt R E S T L E S S the entire M O R N I N G because he hadn’t shown up that day. And she remembers that his F A T H E R had been working all day ( as always!! ) and his M O T H E R had been out S H O P P I N G. And she R E M E M B E R S how she R A N up those stairs with his mother. And to their H O R R O R…….

….And she remembers how C O L D he felt when she H E L D his H A N D S and hugged his E M P T Y shell. This is the M O M E N T her own B O D Y began to R O T with P O I S O N O U S thoughts. She has no reason to B E H A V E anymore. Every W I N D O W of that H O U S E shattered to oblivion that D A Y. She S P O K E in fragmented S T A T E M E N T S cursing his N E G LE C T F U L father and his C A R E L E S S mother ( she’s a good mother!! truly she is!! she’s just angry and upset!! ) who so easily S H O T down his constant P L E A D I N G for H E L P. ( i know you think you’re depressed but you’re not!! school just has you stressed but you’ll be okay!! ) L I G H T S will F L I C K E R and P O W E R will surge. She will C R Y and S C R E A M like a B A N S H E E from H E L L, and eventually, teenage G I R L will pass out from the heartbroken E N E R G Y she’s exerted.

Today is the D A Y. She’s dressed in B L A C K from head to toe with a half finished C I G A R E T T E nursed between her fingers. She can’t go in there, she just can’t. It’s O P E N casket and she’s S P O R T I N G her H E A R T on her S L E E V E. Dear Will ( bless his heart!! ) S Q U E E Z E S her shoulder and for O N C E doesn’t comment about how he W I S H E S she wouldn’t S M O K E. Because even if he’s completely correct ( hell, even she knows it!! ), the circumstances are different right now.

Together they E N T E R that eerily S I L E N T room. Dustin and Lucas are in the corner, rehashing old S T O R I E S of their best D&D campaigns with Bill and Richie. They’re damn S T R O N G for holding their composure. Will P O L I T E L Y asks ( through tear stained cheeks!! he’s been crying on and off all day!! ) if he can A C C O M P A N Y her in this moment. She respectfully D E C L I N E S. She needs to do this alone.

The W A L K feels endless and now she is sewn firmly to the floor K N E E L I N G before his L I F E L E S S form. What H U R T S her sad H E A R T the most, is just how P E A C E F U L he looks, because that’s exactly what he W A N T E D. It’s exactly W H Y he did this. He’s pulled her heart right from her C H E S T and B E A T E N it violently in front of her. There are no W O R D S for her to P O U R out onto S A T I N lining and frigid S K I N.

…Because what can you say about 353 D A Y S? First K I S S E S? First D A N C E S? Endless L A U G H T E R? Stupid J O K E S? Pointless F I G H T S? Never calling him B O Y F R I E N D and never saying she’s his G I R L F R I E N D, but knowing damn well they belong to E A C H O T H E R and they are E X C L U S I V E in that right. What can you say about the B O Y who gave you a fucking C H A N C E in this E V I L world who T R U S T E D everything about you– and gave you a god damn N A M E to stand on?!

You can’t.You can’t S A Y anything, because there’s too much to say. Too many M E M O R I E S.

The S T O M A C H acid B U R N S and she’s ready to P R O J E C T I L E when Karen Wheeler kneels beside her, “There’s…” She C U T S herself O F F, wiping T E A R S from that grieving face, “H-He wrote a letter-h. A-and in it h-he requested you have this-h.” The B O X is handed off. And she takes it without a word. Nothing but N O D is presented before she excuses herself outside of the building for a S M O K E and a M I N U T E.

The box is O P E N E D revealing an O L D CD player, and…a M I X CD:

Please listen to this. I made it for you.And please don’t be mad. I just had to.I’m so sorry, El.

H E A D P H O N E S warm C H I L L E D ears on this icy E V E N I N G. She’ll press P L A Y and in that I N S T A N T? When the M E L O D Y begins, N U M B exterior is finally D E S T R O Y E D like the deadliest E X P L O S I O N:

Please I wanna–Die, die, die.Die, die, die.It’s muffin time,‘Cause I wanna die, die, die!!

That stupid fucking song. THAT STUPID FUCKING SONG!! H A N D is closed over T R E M B L I N G lips as C I G A R E T T E is carelessly dropped onto the wet C O N C R E T E. She no L O N G E R remembers how to B R E A T H E or how to F U N C T I O N. She grabs hold of herself and rocks gently B A C K and F O R T H as she allows D I S T R A U G H T hysterics to completely T A K E O V E R, “I-I-hhh-hlovedyou-h-h!” How is she E X P E C T E D to continue when her body physically H U R T S and her C H E S T feels like it’s on F I R E? Will this ever go away?

But sometimes L O V E isn’t enough. Maybe she will never be W H O L E again. Because her S A V I N G grace had spent so much time S A V I N G her, that he no longer had the A B I L I T Y to S A V E himself. Her F R I E N D S will surround her– ready to pull her into the T I G H T E S T of H U G S. But she will R E F U S E every single one of them because: none of you are him.

None of you are him. And that’s the only person I want to hug ever again.

#HOOOOO BOY THIS ONE IS A DOOZY #tw: death #tw: suicide #hawkinslead

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yet-another-saberface · 4 years

Text

Story Headcanons: Fuyuki (Finale ~ Sections 9-11)

Oh boy, this is gonna be something. This final bit of Fuyuki was an absolute treat to write, especially Section 11. Part of it was likely the writer’s high I get between 10:30 and midnight, but I’d imagine it’s also just that I really resonated with those bits story-wise. Prepare for something a bit more intense than the last 2 parts! And thank you to everyone so far who’s supported this little writing project! It means a lot to me that something I’m doing for fun like this is enjoyed by other people!

And, of course, spoilers!

Section 9: The Dark Cave

Eva does not like being in a cave. She isn’t particularly claustrophobic or anything, but between the tiredness, the anxiety, and her injuries, she just really doesn’t feel like hiking through a cave to fight evil servants. (Something she would normally be very up for doing.)

Panics just about as much as Olga when Archer shows up, and does her best to dash behind Mash, hiding her limp. Sadly, the grail mud has corrupted him way too much for her to even try to guess who he might’ve been beforehand. If they’re going to fight, they’re going to have to go in mostly blind as to how powerful he is - the exception being anything Caster already knows.

Now that Mash has her phantasm, Eva’s actually regained some confidence in giving orders during fights. While she was struggling before, during their fight with Archer, she manages to stay behind Mash most of the time and call out her orders confidently!

It takes a while, but they eventually manage to take down Archer after taking hit after hit after hit. Eva’s very grateful that Mash is a Shielder, because she’s pretty uniquely equipped to have drawn-out fights against long-range attackers like this.

Going into her fight with Saber, she’s actually really confident that she’s going to be able to win, so long as she has Mash tanking blows and Caster attacking. One might say she’s actually just a bit too confident…

Section 10: Facing the Greater Grail

Stopping right before the grail, Eva still doesn’t have any doubts, and honestly, kinda wants to just rush in there and get stuff done. Caster’s affirmations that that’s the right attitude only spur her on.

But she gets tricked into resting again beforehand. (“Oh, I guess I should let everyone else rest,” she tells herself because she must justify every break as something other than giving herself a break.)

She’s not that surprised to learn about how her magic circuits are being stressed - she’d pretty much identified that issue already herself. Despite this being an obvious chance to mention that ankle injury she’s been neglecting… She’s actually forgotten it’s there at the moment. She’s so hyped up for this last fight that she can’t feel it at all, and is just naturally shifting her weight off of it when she needs to.

She’s never going to turn down tea, though! She actually puts a worrying amount of honey in hers - enough to make the others stare in concern. (“It’s fine, I’m just trying to keep my energy up and all that!” “Senpai, the tea already has caffeine in it.” “...I like honey?”) She doesn’t admit it to herself, but she really needed this break. By the time they’re all done and have packed things up, the lingering bits of anxiety, regret, and fear are gone, leaving only her determination to finish things.

That said… Olga I’m glad you finally acknowledged her but couldn’t you have saved it for after the final battle? All of this praise is really going to her head. And she needs it. But she also needs to go into this remembering she isn’t going to automatically win… It’s good though, that she’s had this chance to regain her wits and laugh a bit at Olga’s tsundere-ness.

Those skeletons that show up? Bold of you to think she doesn’t know how to deal with them by now. *cue fight sound effects*

Section 11: Grand Order

Eva is astonished by the sheer size of the Greater Grail when she first sees it. She’d read about it in correspondence to Holy Grail Wars back during her research, but no amount of reading can prepare you for seeing something like that in person. She’s snapped out of it, though, when Saber notices their group.

Upon learning that Saber’s strength is mostly in her magical output, Eva’s confidence is bolstered once again. She may be trash when it comes to physical capability, but she knows magic. If Saber’s attacks are powered by magic, there’s a chance that they won’t even have to take her down the normal way. Maybe there’s a way to find a loophole in how her magic works! That would certainly be more efficient.

It was very wrong for her to be as confident as she was going into this fight. Things start off pretty well initially, with Mash guarding against each and every strike. But there’s a big difference this time. Saber’s large attacks may be magical, and long-range, but she’s also bombarding them with lots of close-ranged physical blows. While the shield is still somewhat effective, it quickly becomes too heavy for Mash to easily move to block every strike.

As soon as Saber gets her first hit in, everything goes downhill. She’s through their defenses now, and starts forgoing attacking Mash in favor of taking out Caster, their offence. Luckily, with a bit of a magic assist from Eva, Mash manages to get back on her feet and draw Saber’s attention again when she bashes her with the shield.

Mash manages to hold out for longer before getting hit this time, but eventually, her defense is broken yet again. Eva starts reciting a healing spell again, but Saber catches her this time, rushing towards her in an attempt to take out the Master. Eva just barely manages to dodge her, tripping over her own legs, and further spraining her ankle. She tries to get back up and keep running, but she finds she can’t put any weight on her right foot now, not without pain too great for even the adrenaline to get rid of.

But just as Saber’s about to get in that final hit, Mash rushes in out of nowhere, blocking the sword with only one hand on her shield, the other compressing the gash she’s got on her side. Saber pulls back, preparing to unleash her Noble Phantasm, while Eva desperately rushes through the healing spell to get Mash back to full capacity. She manages to finish just as it fires, with Mash activating her own phantasm on instinct before they’re obliterated. The beam reflects off the shield, weakened, but some of the attack still hits Saber.

As Saber dies, Eva is dragged up to standing by Mash, who then lets her hold onto part of her shield as a temporary crutch. But before Saber truly fades away, Eva does her best to remember two things: Firstly, that Saber unintentionally held back against Mash at the end of the fight, implying that something fishy is up. Perhaps there’s a connection between the king and the servant Mash fused with? Secondly, she notes that Saber refers to Caster as Ireland’s Child of Light, which, combined with the previous mentions of him also being a Lancer, is more than enough for Eva to commit to memory that that’s definitely Cú Chulainn.

Eva’s annoyed with how injured her leg is, and how that’s mostly her fault, but she’s very satisfied with the fact that they won, and is grinning like a madwoman… Up until she notices Olga spacing out. She’s still riding that high from winning, but doubt is slowly starting to creep in. This can’t be the end. Something’s not right.

And so, when she hears Lev’s voice and sees him step out in front of the grail, instead of pure dread - though you better bet she’s feeling dread - her reaction is more of just a long sigh accompanied by a facepalm. She’s tired, injured, and hyped up right now. Nothing makes sense anyways so you know what, sure, Lev is a bad guy now.

She limps behind Mash again, cringing whenever she has to step on her injured leg. And then Olga runs up to Lev. And the dread gets worse.

Eva isn’t at all confused by learning that Olga’s actually dead, even as she stands there in front of them - magically, it makes perfect sense. But she can’t help feeling sad, and guilty. The reality of everything is just now starting to fully hit her, with the adrenaline slowly draining away. Hundreds of people died in that explosion back at Chaldea. Including the woman standing in front of her. And she couldn’t do anything to stop it. She didn’t cause those deaths, but she also didn’t save a single person. And now, all that dread is mixing with the weight of those deaths, and the stress is starting to build, and the pain in her leg seems so much more prevalent now, and she can’t stop herself from breathing faster, and faster, and faster-

And then it all seems to stop. She stops breathing. She stops blinking. She stops moving. All she can feel is her heartbeat and the sharp pain shooting up her leg, as she looks on in horror as any hope she might have had of Olga surviving is erased forever, accompanied by cries of how this woman - someone with issues scarily similar to the ones that Eva’s subconscious knows she has - will never be good enough, how she’s never been properly acknowledged…

Mash has to snap her out of it, placing a firm hand on Eva’s shoulder. She starts breathing. She starts blinking. But she’s still frozen, stuck in a state somewhere in between being in the moment and the abyss of her own anxiety.

She doesn’t register most of what Lev says, only clinging onto two things. They’re all probably gonna die right now. And a name. Flauros. Something in her memory begs for her to think just a second longer, that she knows something about that name - but her mind’s not operating correctly right now, and before she can remember what it means, the panic takes over once again. They're all going to die right now.

As the cavern begins to collapse, Eva is frozen again, her mind full of panic and replays of Olga’s screams and the thought that she’s about to die without having accomplished anything and the nagging feeling that if she could just think she’d figure all of this out rather quickly. And within a few seconds, it’s too much, and her vision starts to cloud, the last thing she registers before passing out being Mash yelling and grabbing her by the waist in desperation.

By the time she wakes up in Chaldea, the panic seems to have mostly subsided, in favor of confusion. Her leg has a boot on it now, and she can remember enough to know that she injured it. And something in the back of her mind keeps telling her that there’s one detail she needs to remember, that it’ll make things make sense… But she just can’t.

In her haze, she doesn’t even really question Da Vinci’s presence - she’s just glad that she seems to be alive. And while the vague reminders that she’s got a lot of responsibility now begin to drag in that all too familiar stress… She just needs to get to the command room. Maybe someone there can remember whatever it is that she’s forgotten. Maybe she can figure out what the hell happened back in the cave after Olga-

Nope. She’s not gonna think about that.

She spends most of the briefing Roman gives her in denial. There’s no way she managed to actually save Mash back there. There’s no way that all of humanity is dead for all time. There’s no way that if it is, she’d ever be able to save it. But when she’s asked if she’ll do it…

She says she will. Because that’s the only thing to say. Because she can’t let these few people that seem to believe in her down. All of the guilt and stress and need to remember is still in her system, but she can pretend it isn’t there. For their sake. She’ll become a Master and “save humanity.” If it’s the last thing she does.

Uh... Tags.

@contractgreen @panyum @withanina @campanulabell @delfinaschiffer @princessaslan @armageddon25 @patproductions @xviicprc

My next post in the series actually won’t be jumping straight into Orleans, but will probably come out on Friday, maybe? I’m still working on how I want to format it, but it will cover the short period of time between Fuyuki and Orleans, all the summonings that happen then, some slice of life, etc. I’d like to include at least 1 real (though probably short) fic post to go along with it, but I’m not settled on what exactly it’ll focus on. Thank you again to everyone who’s been reading these!

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