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hobbit-in-kuroshitsuji · 2 years

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Kuroshitcember 2022 Prompt Nr. 9

Prompt: Listen to Stolas Sings by Sam Haft. What do you think this could represent?

You can find all prompts here!

All of these will be uploaded/archived to this blog's Ao3 eventually

Summary: On Grelle's Death Day, she thinks everything is fine and goes to work (to see William). Turns out, everything is not fine after all, but William is there to help her... CW: There's some implied Grelliam if you squint? I mean, would William touch another person if he didn't love them? but that could also be family, so read it however you like <3 this has mentions of suicide, death, murder - please only read if you feel you can mentally <3

this is heavily inspired by my own HCs on reapers which you can read up on here. also, I wanted this to be a drabble....... it didn't turn into a drabble XD oh and - the usual "hey I haven't read this through yet, pls don't judge this rough first draft" warnings ahem.....

All the world’s a stage and I’m a player navigating the brutal, bloody battlefield that is love~

The world’s a stage, fake, discerning and bloody. There is no rest for those who seek to portray their souls outwardly; for those who wish to be themselves. There is no comfort. No safety.

So was it truly so strange for Grelle to pretend? For her to make sure she was herself, sand safe, by pretending the entire world was a stage for her to waltz on?

No one took her seriously, yet they also knew she was deadly and capable of chopping anyone to bits if they tried to burst her bubble. But it wasn’t a bubble. It was just… safety through acting.

All that Grelle had gone through had made her sweetness, her innocence, her “oh I’m sorry, sir” attitude disappear. No one dared misgender her now. No one dared touch her now.

But that was also solitary and painful.

Did they believe she was a woman, or did they act along with her to save their own skins? Did they act to save her sanity? Did they think her gender was the act?

Probably… Grelle was convinced that no one understood her acting was to keep herself safe, so people would back the hell off.

She was convinced…

Until one day when William T. Spears showed that their long, long centuries working together meant he knew her and saw through her act.

Until one day when William T. Spears showed that the comfortable lie which Grelle had created of their romantic relationship actually was just that for even William.

“Sutcliff? What are you doing here, you are supposed to be at home.” William’s words came out as a scolding, which considering the subject was a rather odd thing to hear. William never scolded on for working.

But, that day which changed oh so many things about what Grelle though she knew, also happened to be her Death Day.

“I feel not a thing, my dearest,” Grelle offered with a shrug of her shoulder, coincidentally also shrugging her red coat off to reveal more of her shoulder to William.

The man, who’d shut off his emotions in a response to his trauma, caging his centuries old heart off from the rest of the world, ignored her flirting.

As usual.

“And that is healthy, because…?” William sassed, quirking an eyebrow.

Scoffing, Grelle threw a glare William’s way. She stood from her desk and placed hands on her hips. “Mind your words, mister, I am the epitome of mental health – just as anyone!” She pointed at poor Ronald, trying his best to stay out of it by (literally) burying his face into his paperwork. “Knox! Am I not sane?”

Ronald glanced between the two “adults” awkwardly before saying yes with his mouth whilst shaking ‘no’ with his head.

“See!”

“Grelle,” William spoke, voice a soothing calmness in what undoubtedly would become even more of a scene. He never used her name often. So, of course, it shut her up. “We do not work on our Death Days, we stay home and we let it play out. We disrupt the office otherwise-“

“Ugh,” was all Grelle had to say, rolling her eyes. It was always about work with him.

The office suddenly got a lot busier, as a batch of potential new recruits entered with wide eyes. They’d just learned of the reality there were other dimensions outside of heaven and hell. So those wide-eyed looks was the one way to identify new reapers.

“Don’t disrupt the office,” William said to Grelle before turning around to face the baby reapers.

Grelle positioned herself on the desk, watching and listening as William gave a long lecture on safety protocols to the new reapers. No one listened. People just wanted to learn about souls at that stage, and whether they would be allowed to die at some point.

So it was always amusing to watch William attempt to give these lectures.

Othello and Ronald made a quick bet on how long it would take for one of the new recruits to hurt their fingers on the printers no one was allowed to touch save for two who had not broken a printer yet in their entire life – William, and Eric.

And then Grelle joined in with a bet on who would make a comment on “why does the supervisor do all the printing for us if they’re our superiors?” because, quite frankly, it was stupid.

There were no budgets in the afterlife.

Then Grelle was forced to join in. Recruits asked her questions about being out in the field, and she answered them with flat, one word, answers which often were either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ (or ‘next’ when the question was too boring).

Then…

“Mister Sutcliff, sir? Once you reap a soul, do you get a glimpse of wherever they go? Or is it just another weird light like when we-“

“Ma’am.” William’s voice interrupted. William never interrupted new recruits.

Normally, Grelle brushed it off. It was her stage, she was the star, and anyone who misgendered her was simply not part of her play, ignored and never seen again in her world until they did better.

But that day, it was Grelle’s Death Day.

That day, maybe, her brain wasn’t as okay as she had thought it was when she woke up.

That day, the words went straight to her heart, which lit a fire into nerves that shouldn’t be active within a reaper… but which were prone to activating when on their Death Day… the nerves sent signals up to her brain, waking memories that should be in a cage…

Everything seemed to darken around her. To the outside, it just looked like she’d stopped breathing – like a robot who ran out of juice and couldn’t move another limb again. But to her, the world darkened, making her vision smaller until all she could see were her last moments, her last feelings, her reasons…

Until William appeared in front of her, like sparks in the dark, letting her focus on reality long enough to realise he had defended her without being provoked by her own acting… He believed her. He saw her.

“I told you to stay home, Sutcliff,” William scolded her, but despite the harshness in his voice, Grelle melted against him as he looped an arm around her waist and helped her off the desk to leave the office.

Reapers watched, empathetic and selfishly relieved their own Death Days were a while away still. Yet, despite the many gazes on her, all she knew was William guiding her home.

He opened her door with a key Grelle didn’t know William had, and let her inside. He stayed in the doorway himself, though, watching as she let her coat she so cherished fall off her and to the floor, shoes kicked off before she waddled inside to find a couch to disappear into.

And so, William stepped inside to clean up after her, caring for the coat he knew she’d care for again tomorrow, and putting the shoes in the shelf with the others. He closed the door behind him, and entered the living room to watch her sit on the couch, eyes empty, flashing between green and yellow as synapses re-awoke within her brain –

“Grelle.”

He’d believed her. He saw through her eyes, her act, and believed her.

She didn’t want him to go… “Will… Did I really kill those-“

“Don’t think too much on it,” William quickly interjected. “You had your reasons. You are making amends for it now.”

William never interrupted, unless it was to protect Grelle, either from others, or herself.

Clearing his throat, William sat down next to Grelle. “I have a long report to read through today. Let me read it out loud.” Let me distract you.

Shaking from the memories of her last breaths, Grelle nodded her head and curled up into a ball at the other side of the couch…

Things were easier with someone around to help keep Grelle’s mind away from the open jailcell of her past.

William made a new rule from that day on.

No one was to be alone on their Death Day.

And William and Grelle? They were always the ones helping each other.

__ taglist: @eemoo1o-animoo

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ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years

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8, 9, 20 and 21 please

CW: DISCUSSION OF SURVIVORS NAVIGATING CONSENT FURTHER DOWN

Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?

This is an interesting question because broadly speaking, sort of? Like, I do tend to read whumpy books and I really love when a book actually gives time and space to the trauma someone would undergo/feel after the events of the book. The whump I am drawn to online tends to be a BIT different than my own and focus on different things, but I also do read a lot of whump that is similar in structure to mine, too!

I go through cycles and right now I’m knee-deep in reading basically only whump and nonfiction, so right now I’d say no as far as published books go. but normally I would say mostly yes!

Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

Last year I finished one longfic, wrote about a third of a second and nearly all of a third, and then ran out of steam and lost inspiration and I feel awful about both those things. So right now I’m focusing on drabbles and trying not to lose myself in plotting. I’m definitely a pantser. I write as I write and what happens, happens. I wish I were better at plotting and then still having the focus and inspiration to actually write the thing I plotted!

Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

I actually talk pretty openly about the symbolism as I post/publish, so I don’t think I have a ton to share that would be new about that! Like I’ve already talked about Chris’s relationship to the red cardinal and what that symbolizes/means in my own life/a common understanding of cardinals as symbols of the dead coming back to see it and how that references his mother, in my mind.

I will say that my OCs having a strong positive or negative connection to their mothers/motherhood is definitely something that winds through everything I write, for several reasons.

I would sayyyyy one thing I love and love to talk about is how Danny, Kauri, and Chris all lost total autonomy over their bodies and had them used for someone else’s pleasures and purpose... and all three of them relate to their physicality after escape/rescue in very different ways.

Danny: Touch-averse with everyone but Nate, but very touchy-feely with Nate and eventually comfortable with the Fucked Up Support Group, and then Mina. But he struggles with allowing people to touch him casually, and he has a lot of struggles with sex even though he badly wants to have a healthy sex life again.

Kauri: Pleasure-seeker post-escape, goes home with different men all the time, doesn’t care if he knows their names or if he even stays for breakfast. Seeks out signs that he still matters by testing to see who wants him. Very unhealthy way of using sex to cope with trauma. Fears emotional intimacy but replaces it with physical intimacy in ways that actually divorce the act from anything really that intimate. It takes him a long time to have emotionally intimate spice again.

Chris: Was asexual prior to what happened to him, although he doesn’t remember that. He finds himself as asexual again but not without some serious agonizing over whether or not he can even date since he assumes everyone will sooner or later want “that”, which he doesn’t and will actually have serious trauma responses to. Repeatedly gives Lake the option to break up with him because he doesn’t want to do that, but enjoys giving to them with his hands and mouth. He is emotionally intimate easily and biromantic and adores physical intimacy as long as it never crosses a certain line. Like I don’t think he could ever have full on PIV or, uh, PI-anything that didn’t end up with him having an absolute full meltdown as a result.

I just really enjoy the comparison of the three of them reacting to going through somewhat similar traumas, in this case, and having their recoveries look so different.

What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

Danny might work all right as a webcomic and with a TON of editing could be published, I think. Chris doesn’t really have that linear a structure and would need a lot of reworking. Ummmmm I don’t know! I can’t really see any of them as anything but essentially non-linear posting in an online format?

#writer asks #discussion of rape survivor tw

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becomestorm · 6 years

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which personality traits of their parents has ren inherited? are there any aspects which ren wishes they had more of?

traits from li.

protectiveness is the first thing that springs to mind when i think of the first trait ren inherited from li. it doesn’t become clear until later, but ren also inherited li’s over protectiveness. a lot of the elements of ren considered more on their “ outer shell ” are more traits which were clear in li’s demeanour, such as their respectful / gentlemanly nature. that wasn’t ground into them through ettiquette lessons alone, a lot of the way ren acts is because of how much they idolised their father, even though li spent a majority of his time away from his family. from li, ren also retains their “ respect your elders ” mindset ( which even in my own experience is prevalent in a lot of asian households, so that wouldn’t exactly be uncommon in a lot of mistrali cultures. ) this is kind of out of left field though, considering the clan in which li comes from and how he was denounced from it. ren also retained parts of li’s guarded and suspicious nature, if we’re focusing on some negatives. considering the way li was raised, it doesn’t surprise me that ren grew up questioning every available thing he could. it was a good thing that both parents were so patient with them, when they did decide to talk i imagine that an needed to answer a lot of questions, considering their inquisitive mind. the last trait would probably be ren’s willingness to do what they see as right.

traits from an.

canonically ? ren inherited an’s sass. considering where an came from, the spoiled baby of an incredibly wealthy family, the darling, the charmer, the one who needed to worry the least about her own ambitions and responsibilities because she had her older siblings to help her as well as the doting praise of the lie patriarch and matriarch, an could have turned out a lot more horrid than she actually did. ren was born out of wedlock, and from true love, which did earn them the scorn of the rest of their lie heirs, who didn’t believe ren was worthy of a shot at the inheritance. the way that ren grew up around other lie heirs did stunt a lot of their emotional and personal growth, but as soon as li and an eloped to kuroyuri, some other traits started to become more and more clear. some budding traits which had been apparent during their education was an ever present curiosity, and thirst for knowledge. this never changed, as ren retains and still seeks out more and more facts, asking questions and seeking more answers whenever they can. another thing that they learned from their outgoing and excessively popular mother was a wit unlike any other. an was charming, mischievous, playful, and sarcastic, all while retaining a sweet and lovely nature. she was a lie after all, and even though she didn’t keep her family’s brutally callous ambition and willingness to trample and use everyone in their way, she did have a very subtle way of getting what she wanted, something that ren retained. the last thing that ren mirrored in an is her dedication, and her capacity for love. this was the reason she eventually settled on the name “ ren, ” because of its multiple meanings, most notably of the lotus, as well as the confucian value “ love of humanity. ”

traits from both.

honour your ancestors is a huge one that ren learned from both of them, especially considering the kind of household they grew up in. it’s important considering two of my canon divergences ; that ren took up his father’s clan name as their given name, and their mother’s clan name as their surname. ren was named that because it was meant to honour the fallen tribe of ren, of which li was the last surviving member. the other was because of ren’s dragon faunus heritage, there is an extensive and long history to be proud of dating back to long long ago during the first tales of creation. because there are few who can teach ren the history of their people now, they’ve taken it upon themselves to learn and seek out other dragon faunus. difficult considering their scarcity.

ren is opportunistic. this was a trait apparent in both of their parents, albeit in different ways. each of them were born into drastically different lifestyles. li, taken from a warrior clan and raised among an assassin guild, and an, as the youngest daughter of an ancient and wealthy family. the kind of mindset li needed to adapt to survive often meant learning as much as he could to find his way in the deep mistrali forests for days on end, as well as knowing enough to navigate as well as create opportunities to find his way in the mistrali black market / underground. whereas, an was raised in the socialite classes. she often needed to elbow and charm her way through competition for whatever ambitious ploy other girls her age would fight for. in a family which continually fought for recognition and success, that could have been anything, from grades, to performances, etc. both are ambitious. and both are incredibly smart, this was passed onto ren and became incredibly handy when left to fend for themselves.

“ understand what is truly important to you. ” ( do not become someone you aren’t. ) it’s not exactly a trait, but a lesson learned from both li and an. the two of them eloped. the both of them gave up everything : their reputation, their homes, their wealth, and eventually, their lives, to be together and protect that which was precious to them. an was not allowed to marry li, a lady of high class adopting the affections of a rogue huntsman with a shady past and no lien to his name. having ren out of wedlock was already too scandalous, and if she hadn’t been the most loved out of all lie children, she might have been disowned. ren. ren was almost disowned. for this reason, when ren was finally out of the toxic lie household and living peaceful, humble lives in wait of oniyuri’s completion, both parents taught ren the importance of prioritising that which meant the most to them. if they tried to please even those who did not care for them, they would not find true happiness.

compassion, is a trait that ren inherited from both parents. there have been a lot of reasons in their life to completely abandon that part of their personality, including but not limited to ; the way ren was raised prior to the year spent in kuroyuri ( around a toxic and manipulative household ), the many negative encounters surviving afterwards which eventually brought to light their guarded and paranoid persona, the deep seated trauma of having a semblance which stunted their emotional growth, as well as their exposure to situations that test their faith over and over and over again. despite this, ren remains steadfast to their growing perception of what is their own definition of right and wrong, and while doesn’t offer themselves wholly to everyone but a select few, opts to remain kind and does whatever is in their power to help someone else in need. because despite their cynical views of the world, ren really does live up to their name “ love of humanity. ”

the last main trait that ren inherited from their parents is their incredibly high intelligence. an, afforded all of the advantages and privileges a private education would allow her, was more academically gifted than her husband. li, having been raised mostly on the land and in a community with less than refutable reputations got into haven academy on skillset alone ( something that ren would eventually mirror in their combat tests to beacon academy. ) li’s intelligence lie more in a navigation of the outside world “street smarts” which was something that they didn’t have a lot of time to teach ren before kuroyuri, but ren did retain everything that their father taught them, even if the information didn’t make a lot of sense at the time. ren’s attributes and habits learned from their parents do help to bolster their own intelligence, including a thirst for knowledge and a love of learning from an, philosophical interest from both parents, a healthy questioning of those in authority from li, self discipline and diligence from li, a sense of visual and tactile learning encouraged by both parents, on top of a love of literature as the result of days spent in the lie library.

traits ren wished they had more of.

ren wishes they had more natural composure. their own is aided by the bleed of their semblance, without it they have very little in ways of hiding what they’re actually feeling. it’s something that’s learnt overtime, but it’s just interesting to note that ren’s usual stoic nature is not how they actually are. in fact, i have theories that their semblance was the result of li’s last acts alive, triggered by watching their father continue to protect them despite being in intense physical and emotional pain. li always had a kind of certainty and authority that ren wishes to emulate. he could walk into a room and immediately command a crowd. he just had a very self - assured confidence that ren envied and wishes to one day have. another trait from their father they wish to have more of is li’s determination, as well as his bravery. ren has always considered their father one of the bravest men alive, but at the same time, their bravery led to martyrdom, a concept that ren actively despises, so this would be the least likely thing for them to emulate.

from ren’s mother, wish wishes that they had more of her wit. it was not only an’s beauty that attracted the attention of multiple suitors, but her wit, and fun loving, friendly, charming nature as well. if ren got any sense of their trouble making skills from their parents, it was definitely her. an was always the one encouraging ren’s mischief, while it fell on li to scold them. ren doesn’t wish to be that open and friendly with people, having gone through what they had, but they do wish to emulate her wit, her effortless charm, the way that she just made people around her more comfortable. something that drew people towards an was her benevolence and kind nature, and although ren has adopted this compassion from both parents, they don’t believe it to be sincere. that’s mostly their mental illnesses at work though. from an, ren also wished to have more of her creative brilliance. as the town doctor, she was not only swept up in medical matters in kuroyuri, but personal as well, and she would always willingly go above and beyond to support the people she called her neighbours. this often meant thinking outside the box to solve things. ren thought both of their parents were intelligent, but an exuded a kind of radiating genius ren was sure she could have done more with, had she not decided to remain a small town general practitioner.

character development. ( always enthusiastically accepting. )

#raisefated #ans.#long post /#hc.#i cry every time i get to talk about ren and their parents

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ultrafuturisticbouquetkingd-blog · 5 years

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Relationship Blog Attempts To Address Parental Alienation

“My Ex Pushed Me Out Of The Family”

Recently the following appeared in a relationship blog. While there are currently over 500 comments, upon review, many can be classified into two categories. If they are not ‘spam’ they could be considered judgemental and disconnected from reality.

Upon such a discovery, the troops were rallied with a call for all hands on deck. The community of target parents pulls together with a loyalty that is unshakable and unbreakable. There is a bond that brings this group of target parents together in such unity that if one is under attack from the outside world, we all are.

Below is the letter sent to Meredith, editor of the Boston Globe’s “Loveletters.” More importantly, are the replies posted almost immediately by target parents who passed this around our community for support and setting the record straight.

The full thread can be found here

CALL TO ACTION: Add your reply to the comment section.

SUBMITTED QUESTION

Dear Meredith,

I was married for 23 years. It was not a good marriage. I helped to raise two stepsons and had good relationships with their mothers. My ex and I had two of our own children. It was a very busy household full of homework, football practice, and navigating the pickup and drop-offs for many kids. I actually was responsible for 99 percent of it because my ex could not get away from work.

Our divorce was awful. I was going through major family trauma (including a parent being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer), and right in the middle of this, my ex asked me to leave. We had been having a lot of issues.

I left and began to work on myself. I rode my bike everywhere. I read books and listened to music. I just was enjoying my life and figuring out who I was. My kids didn't want to have anything to do with me (they were in high school and college at this point). I went to therapy, joined a church. I was hurting a lot. I did fall in love.

I met the love of my life and two years later, we own a home and a dog. My big issue is that my own boys still will not have anything to do with me because my ex sets the narrative. I text and call. I'm not overbearing. Crickets, chirp chirp. I paid for my oldest to go to college by working a few jobs. He didn't want me to attend his ceremony because he didn't want his dad to be hurt. His dad has a girlfriend, for Pete's sake.

I don't know what to do anymore – how to deal with an ex who has pushed me away from my family. My ex feels proud of the alienation. I pray about this all the time, but my heart is broken. Do you have advice for me? I need to heal and wait patiently, but sometimes there are days where I just don’t think that I can make it.

– Hurt

LOVELETTER’S REPLY

Below are the replies posted by the #erased within hours of the posting.

Dear Meredith - You completely missed the boat here. The writer may be the targeted parent of Parental Alienation Syndrome and her children the objects caught in the middle. It doesn't matter how old the children are at the time of the parental split. Next time just end with "This is out of my area of expertise" and "Please talk to a therapist or find a PAS support group". Dear Hurt - I want to let you know there will come a day when your children will come back to you. I want to let you know that your children will appreciate you giving them the space they need right now, but do continue to send them the occasional text message and birthday card (they may not respond today or tomorrow, but eventually they will). Your children are not emotionally strong enough to handle the dynamics of dealing with both of their parents and I'm sure they know you will always be there to greet them with open arms. (Note: When I talk about their father, it's always with respect. If I need to vent about something concerning him, I talk to my friends and leave them out of it).

Serenity111

Hello Meredtith; I wrote a couple of paragraphs yesterday that could help understand the mother’s situation. I found abhorrent how the ignorance of some of your readers abuses an already abused person, with no sympathy whatsoever to her pain, the pain of having her children emotionally murdered by a vindictive and narcissistic previous partner, in punishment for the failure of the relationship. How, one parent may use the children as a weapon to inflict pain to the other parent in a cruel act of emotional family violence (IPV) === And the story goes: == I was talking with someone yesterday, and I heard myself describing this pathology. I think I came up with a very simple description. 1.- The child has two parents; One of the parents will love the child does not matter what, and would never hurt the child. The other parent will hurt the child if she does not comply to her whims. ∴ The child complies with the abusive parent wishes, as she does not want to get hurt. 2.- After a while, the child starts doubting her own feelings. She is supposed to fear him, but ‘why?’, she would ask herself. 3.- There comes the GAL; she says the non-abusive parent must change his behaviour, she tells the child the non-abusive parent MUST stop scarring the child. 4.- Then comes the therapist; The non-abusive parent must stop scaring the child, and must apologize for his behaviour, to the child, he tells the child and the parent. This, said in front of the child to the non-abusive parent. 5-.- The child, who does not know why she is supposed to be scared; Has been told by a therapist that being scared of the non-abusive parent is a valid feeling Has been told by a GAL that the other parent is not up to task. 6.- The child does not know any better, but everyone cannot be wrong, they are professionals, the child tells herself. The child now is 100% convinced that she must reject the non-abusive parent, for valid reasons. She will manufacture reasons. Of course, the initial doubts where received from the abusive parent, not by using English (the child would understand this and be able to reason it out of her system). The abusive parent uploaded the fear on the child by the use of the language of feelings, something the child has not yet completely developed. Gender comment: This is not gender guided; give me a neutral pronoun in English for a person, and I'll use it. In the meantime, this is all I can do. ('It" sounded wrong to me today). === end of the story. == This is real, this is painful. Perhaps the biggest pain anyone can suffer. Losing its child, having its child murdered, while the child is still alive but unavailable. Can you imagine your children disappearing one day, with zero communication, while you know they have unjustified hate towards you? You should learn more about this. Join the Facebook group “Alliance to solve parental alienation”, and read Dr. Childress posts there. You could help your readers understand family abuse. — Raul Zighelboim.

I’m appalled at your insensitivity and that of your readers. The responses try to shame a parent who was caught in a high conflict divorce and is the victim of the unwarranted, manipulative and abusive tactics of the other parent. 22 million parents alone in the US are estranged from their children due to a phenomenon called “Parental Alienation.” It is real, it is painful, it is traumatic and debilitating to the parents who are #erased from their children. Since I left my family in 2015, I too have been #erased from my children’s lives. I left an emotionally abusive marriage but I NEVER left my children. I am completely shut out from their lives and my ex has masterfully brainwashed/altered my children’s minds to think that I never loved them. He has employed tactics like that in a cult. Is this healthy for the children to reject a once loving parent? Is this healthy parenting behaviors when divorce occurs? Is it healthy to try to hurt the other parent? I invite you Ms. Goldstein and most particularly “Hurt” to come to a support group that I now lead along with 2 mental health professionals experienced in parental alienation and listen to members’ painful stories. Come learn about this epidemic and understand the underlying behaviors. I led a group that brought a new documentary to Newton a month ago called “Erasing Family” and 150 people came! Watch the trailer: https://erasingfamily.org/. Also listen to: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/960-cindy-stumpo-is-tough-as-n-29001812/episode/parent-alienation-50342688/ . “Hurt,” I’m sorry that you are experiencing such loss but understand that you are not alone. You did not cause this untenable situation. I’m ecstatic that you found happiness and if you would like to reach out, you can find us at: https://www.meetup.com/New-England-Parental-Alienation-Support-Meetup/members/. Deb Black Co-Host of New England "Parental Alienation"

Dear Readers, While many who commented have good intentions, it is essential to know what “Hurt” is living through is a form of domestic violence. You may read this statement and react with thinking, “What!?!? No way! This, as domestic violence, is a stretch and makes zero sense!” Follow me on this. I believe some of the emotionally charged comments attacking “Hurt” may be rooted in personal experiences, similar to what her children are living. I want to use this thread as a tool to educate and help the 22 million US families who are dealing with this daily. Along with fantastic comments (see Caroncoss, Blackie10, and RedSagitta for great insights!), I want to extend this to include research-based information for everyone reading this. As you consider the following information and perhaps realize this pertains to you, the reader, know that you are not alone. There are Boston and Online Support Group meetings via https://www.meetup.com/New-England-Parental-Alienation-Support-Meetup/ Let’s talk about evidence. First….(via Dr. Amy Baker) THE EIGHT BEHAVIORAL MANIFESTATIONS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION These are the symptoms of parental alienation that appear within alienated children. Generally, the more symptoms present and the more severe the symptoms, the more severe the alienation; all manifestations do not need to be present for alienation to exist. 1. Campaign of denigration: Strong or utter rejection of one parent, willingness to tell others, erasing past positive aspects of relationship and memories. 2. Weak, frivolous, absurd reasons for the rejection: When pressed to explain, the child will give reasons that do not make sense or align with the level of animosity, provide false memories (proclaiming to remember something from a very young age), or are patently untrue. 3. Lack of ambivalence: For the most part, one parent is seen as all good while the other is viewed as all bad. 4. “Independent thinker” phenomenon: The child strongly emphasizes that the favored parent played no role in the child’s rejection of the other parent. The child believes the decision is theirs entirely. 5. Reflexive support of the alienating parent. The alienator can do no wrong, and the erased parent can not do right. 6. Absence of guilt: Alienated children appear to have no qualms about cruel and harsh treatment towards the rejected parent. 7. The presence of borrowed scenarios: Use of words and phrases that mimic or parrot those of the favored parent. 8. Rejection of extended family of rejected parent: Refusal to spend time with or acknowledge formerly beloved family members. While this has become quite lengthy, I will create another reply that addresses the strategies parents use to erase the loving bonds between children and a loving parent… Signed, MiningGypsy

Dear Hurt - I am so sorry you haven't been able to have a relationship with your children. Parent Alienation is real, sadly it is not a stage!!!! I write from experience, so I know it hurts, and I know how debilitating it can be. You are not alone! There are more than just a few of us fighting, healing, supporting, and educating each other on how to navigate the PA world. I admire your strength to keep going, and still having the ability to give without getting anything in return (but rejection). I am pretty sure is called LOVE. Much love and light, Priscila a loving imperfect mother p.s. every situation has a different prospective at different times of our lives, and how we feel and react to pain is very unique to our experiences and values.

Dear Readers, Below are strategies used by parents to alienate their children from the other parent. The alienating parent engages in these strategies against the targeted parent. If you find this has impacted your life, there is help locally. https://www.meetup.com/New-England-Parental-Alienation-Support-Meetup/ Also, if you know someone experiencing this, you must speak up. Kids need both parents. As I work with adult children who experienced this, they all were secretly wishing someone swooped in and called out the bad behavior of the alienating parent. As the child could not do so themselves because of the horrific consequences they would face when standing up for themselves. 17 STRATEGIES USED BY ALIENATORS: 1. Badmouthing 2. Limiting Contact 3. Interfering with communication 4. Interfering with symbolic communication (i.e., pictures and photos are defaced, removed, destroyed) 5. Withdrawal of love if expressing positive toward the target parent 6. Telling the child the targeted parent is dangerous (extreme behaviors include filing false charges with Child Protective Services) 7. Forcing the child to choose between parents 8. Telling the child the targeted parent does not love him or her 9. Confiding in the child rather than a peer or therapist 10. Forcing the child to reject the targeted parent 11. Manipulating the child to spy on the targeted parent. 12. Having the child keep secrets from the targeted parent 13. Referring to the targeted parent by their first name and encouraging the child to do the same 14. Referring to a step-parent as “Mom” or “Dad” and encouraging the child to do the same 15. Withholding medical, academic, and other relevant information from the targeted parent/keeping the targeted parent’s name off medical, academic, and other relevant documents (see your state’s law on this one!) 16. Changing the child’s name to remove any association with the targeted parent 17. Cultivating dependency/undermining the authority of the targeted parent (may include overly permissive parenting by the alienating parent) If any of this resonates with you, please reply or leave a message at https://www.speakpipe.com/voicesoftheerased #kidsneed BOTH parents! Signed, MiningGypsy

Dear Ms. Goldstein, After reading "Hurt's" letter to you dated November 5, 2019, I was quite astonished by you and your commentators' reaction to this woman's pain of losing her children. Studies have shown 86% of High Conflict divorces found that ONE parent, not both will sabotage the relationship between the child and the other parent. This means ONE parent will psychologically manipulate a child into turning against the other parent. With frequency and intensity, the alienating parent manipulates a child into believing that the targeted parent is unloving, unsafe and unavailable. It’s called Parental Alienation (PA). PA is a distinctive, destructive and counterintuitive form of psychological and family violence towards both the child and the rejected family members. It is a worldwide, inter-generational phenomenon and occurs regardless of nationality, religion, socioeconomics, race, or gender, This is NOT ESTRANGEMENT! It is induced psychological splitting in a child … an alignment or enmeshment. Alienated children display unjustified contempt and an attitude of entitlement towards the targeted parent and have a perception of an “all-wonderful” alienating parent and “all-bad” targeted parent. This is a dysfunctional coping mechanism which if not addressed leads to an unstable personality disorder and disrupts social-emotional development throughout a child’s life as a consequence of Parental Alienation. Dr. Jennifer Harman’s studies have confirmed that 22 million parents in the US alone are experiencing Parental Alienation. This means there are at the very least, 22 million children in the US who will most likely manifest difficult behaviors. Statistically, 4-5% of school children under the age of 18 are experiencing some level of mild, moderate, or severe alienating tactics and PA is 3x more prevalent than children on the Autism Spectrum. According to experts, it is psychological and emotional child abuse and is JUST as injurious as physical or sexual abuse and the World Health Organization recognizes Parental Alienation. Those who engage in severe alienating tactics often have a personality disorder. If you think a child could never be brainwashed … think of charismatic cult leaders like Jim Jones, Rev Sun Moon ... thousands and thousands of adults were manipulated. How could a child resist their own parent? This is not a divorce issue. This is not a custody or a parental rights issue. This is a mental health issue that is affecting our children around the world. These children will grow up not knowing how to be in a relationship and are emotionally stunted. This is what is happening to the children. You can also empathize with either a father or a mother who are experiencing the loss of their child(ren) through Parental Alienation. We are available to have a conversation with you or any of your readers ... If you'd like to learn more about Parental Alienation, or if 'Hurt' wants to contact for support ... Deb Black Co-Host of New England Parental Alienation Support Group https://www.meetup.com/New-England-Parental-Alienation-Support-Meetup/ Respectfully, Caron Warren MA.Ed.

Seems like we're all making lots of assumptions! It's hard to know what the family dynamics are. It could be LW is the toxic person who is responsible for her own estrangement from her children. Or, the real story may be more complicated... I was estranged from my father for more than 5 years as my mother carefully controlled information and manipulated me (and my sibling) into thinking our dad was the villain in their divorce. For years, I ignored calls or replied curtly to emails from my dad.... it saddens me to think of how I shut him out. He didn't want to cause me further pain, so he gave me space. Luckily, my dad was resilient . Eventually, crazy stuff happened, and I realized the truth my dad is flawed like anyone else, but he is not the abuser my narcissistic mother would have me believe. LW, if your ex is the crazy maker, then get therapy, take care of yourself, call on your support system, find other ways to bring meaning into your life.... you'll be in a better place for whatever comes. Therapy will help you figure out how to see toxic patterns, define and set healthy boundaries. If you're the crazy maker, well.. then I still urge you to get therapy and find ways to rebuild and reach out to your family in ways that are respectful.

YoungatHeartToo

Don't let stress over the situation affect your health or your good relationship with the current love of your life. Be proud of whatever you did for your kids. If you were not perfect, they are not perfect in not forgiving or not considering your feelings. They have their own lives now, and you should move on with yours, but hopefully they will mature more in the future. And any spouse who alienates kids from a halfway decent ex is not doing right by the kids or the ex.

Lexgal

Sorry Meredith but your advice is so unbelievably tone deaf. The guy LOVES that he is in charge and sets the narrative. In his mind he won. Do you REALLY think a coffee shop meeting or family therapy is going to happen? He is looooooong gone. LW - even though there is no reason given for the divorce this is a sad letter and I feel bad for you, after everything you did you deserve to be treated much better. Maybe the boys blame you, again, not sure why you divorced. Just keep killing your kids with kindness. Don't get mad, every once in awhile ask if they want to meet and 1 of these days they will. You really need to let them know how much this hurts you in a matter of fact way, I'm sure they have no idea. Maybe send them a random card with a brief note explaining your pain? You have nothing to lose.

THE Guru

Wow. So everyone is blaming the mother, even though the husband booted her, even though she continues to support the kids financially, even though she gives the kids space despite how it hurts her to be isolated from them. And the father, on at least his 3rd marriage and booted his wife while she was dealing with a parent with cancer, is a prince? This certainly is bizarro world! Gee, victim-blaming much?

Tie--Dye--Brain--Fry

I cut my dad out of my life for a lot of the tone that's similar to this letter. No acknowledging your own role in the estrangement, acting like a complete victim, blaming everyone else for your problems. My advice would be to write a letter to your kids (individually - don't treat them interchangeably), saying that you miss them dearly and don't know what you did to drive them away, but that whenever they are ready, you would like to hear their side of things and that you promise to LISTEN and not make it about yourself, that you won't get defensive or lay any guilt on them for it. If you want them back in your life, you need to acknowledge that you have hurt them deeply, and that even if your ex was badmouthing you, if your relationship to your kids was genuinely strong enough, it would have survived that.

audreylyn

This is an inspiring letter. You managed to overcome many difficulties, got yourself on a bike, got to church, met someone new, rebuilt a life for yourself after a lot of emotional trauma. You're a survivor. Parenthood comes with no guarantees about payback. But as your kids mature, they might develop a different perspective. Keep the olive branch out there and focus on what you do have, your new relationship, your home and your dog.

Jim501

I'm disgusted by the tone of the comments I've read here today. I had to stop, so I just hope the later ones were more sympathetic. My advice to the LW is to find a good therapist who can listen to you and help you work out both your feelings and an effective strategy for reaching out to your children. Clearly, writing to an anonymous mob on the internet is not the way to go.

OutOfOrder

I read this as being written by a man. Maybe it’s because I have a friend who is a good man in a very similar situation, having an ex wife who has poisoned their children against him. It’s a horrible thing to do to a child as well as the father. Little by little, he has made inroads just by being there for them. He keeps reaching out. Hopefully, when they’re older and have been away from their mother for a longer period of time, they will do a complete tour-around.

Seenittoo

"... in my experience, tend to side with the parent who has been there for them." I would politely disagree, and say that kids will side with those who "manipulate best". Usually the most toxic wins. The reality is that it may take the kids till they are 40+ and raising their own families to start to get the separation and hindsight they need to rectify the state of affairs, but that, of course, is no given.

MrTrumping

The only thing you can do is to love your kids in whatever way they will let you, which is what you are already doing. If they have any sign of intelligence and if college did anything to teach them how to think independently, at some point, maybe even soon, or maybe when they start their own family, they will start to question what they are being told. At that point, you will have amassed a lot of evidence (texts, calls, letters, paying for college, etc.) over time that you are not exactly what your ex says you are.

sexual-chocolate

HarrisBlackwoodStone

it will take time. that's all. there's nothing more you can do for your children than send them birthday and holiday cards and gifts. when they become adults, assuming you haven't left anything out of this picture you've painted for us, eventually they will seek you out.

red-speck

This letter (including the fact that it's one side of a mutifaceted story) leaves out a lot of detail, but assuming LW's is a reliable synopsis, the kids were hurting like hell through the divorce, too. LW doesn't mention whether they went to counseling or their emotional states throughout. I'm glad she's getting things sorted out.

As for her relationship with the kids, my wife's parents divorced when she was a teen. Took her decades to come to the realization that her parents weren't awful people, just broken ones trying to cope with their lives flying apart. All you can do is keep inviting them into your life and trying, graciously, to remain a part of theirs. Don't hold "I did X for you" lists over their heads; just rebuild a relationship from this day forward. With any luck, you'll come to some measure of healing in due course.

Leftylucy

I agree 100% with you here.

redsoxpatriotsnyfan

The best advice to you is to hire a good lawyer!

Anon

Funny thing is -- in divorce cases where there are custody orders -- attorneys typically accelerate the alienation. We need to make family court therapeutic, not adversarial. I hope you can spread the word!

#Loveletters #Boston

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