#he gets like 2 hours of screen time in this 30 hour long game but i dont care im gonna psychoanalyze him

[bengals-barnesbabe]

Princess Ti

Pair: Husband!Tee Higgins x Chase Sister!Reader

Descr: The day everyone’s been waiting for is here, GAME DAY- wait something’s not right. Barely proofread, but it's done.😅

TW: language, mentions of sex, childbirth.

Things Are Changing | Main Masterlist

WC: 5,003

....:::: * * •° ✾ °•* * ::::....

“Y/n, it’s almost kick off!” Your mother-in-law calls out.

You huff hugging your bump, looking at the shirt you’d usually be wearing for game day if you weren’t 41 weeks pregnant.

Usually, you'd be at the game cheering your husband and younger brother on from the stands, but that wasn't really an option this far along in your pregnancy. But you at least wanted to indulge in your favorite game day tradition: wearing Tee's jersey. However, that wasn’t going so smoothly either.

Your bedroom door opens, and Tee’s mom pops her head in. “You okay, darlin’?”

“I would be, but I’m still pregnant, so I’m not.” She chuckles and sits on the bed next to Tee’s jersey. 

“I know how you feel. You’re tired, antsy, anxious, moody. Little princess is really enjoying her time in there.” She offers you a kind smile.

“I think I made too good of home in there. Tee says there’s no better place for her to be than the womb. Of course, he would because he doesn’t have swollen ankles and an extra 30 lbs to carry on his torso. He was so scared I’d go into early labor that I think he convinced her to stay longer. 2 more weeks and she’ll be evicted via C-section, and that’s the last thing I want.” You pout, joining her on the bed.

“Hey, everything’s going to be fine. You’ve been doing everything right to get your body ready for this. She’ll come when it’s right. You said you woke up with contractions, right?”

You nod your head, “Braxton hicks. I’ve been dilated 2 centimeters for a week. Tee didn’t want to go to work, but it only lasted 15 minutes. The last one was actually before you came in, but it didn’t last long. It’s been like this since I hit 37 weeks.”

“Hey, you never know; babies surprise everyone.” You chuckle.

“I think I can fix this problem, though.” She points to the jersey. “Have a pair of scissors around?”

You go over to your vanity and dig out some hair scissors. She takes them and cuts a long triangle up the sides. “Here, now you can wear it and be comfortable.”

You slip the jersey over your white tee and admire her handiwork. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome; now we have a game to watch.” You happily link arms and join your mother in the living room.

“Y/n, your brother is driving me insane.” You roll your eyes when you see her eyes glued to her phone.

“What’d he do this time?” You sit between the ladies and hog a bowl of pretzels as she goes on about Ja’Marr’s post-game dinner requests.

You spend the next half snacking, yelling at the screen (not that you’d ever tell your husband), and listening to your mothers chat about their sons. You fell asleep during the start of the third quarter but woke to the same pain you felt this morning.

“I’m so tired of these fake ass contractions.” You hold on to your belly as the tightening gets worse. “Sorry for my language.”

Your mother shakes her head. “Babygirl, you’re in pain. No one is judging a few curse words, even if we both know you have a sailor’s tongue.”

“Momma, what-whatever, fuck- J told you isn’t- oh my god.” You grab hold of her hand as it’s held out.

“Hey hey, breathe, Y/n, breathe. Are you timing this?” Your mother-in-law nods as alarmed as yours. 

Your eyes squinched, teeth gritted, and you cried out in a pain you’d never felt before. “Mommy!”

“Yeah, baby, I’m right here.” You feel her free hand run your back. You try to do the breathing exercises she tells you and finally exhale when the pain dials down.

“Y/n?” You look up at the woman teary-eyed. 

“I lied, I don’t think these are Braxton hicks. They started a few hours after he left. I thought they were fake until they were happening every other hour. Now there’s even less time between them.” 

“I’m calling your midwife over and texting my son.” Your mother-in-law rubs your leg with a smile.

“Y/n, why didn’t you tell us you were in labor?” 

“Because I’m not. My water hasn’t broken yet, and they aren’t that close together. Tee’s not here. It’s not happening right now. If she wanted to come, it should've been this morning. It can’t be happening.” You shake your head and look up at the TV. As if on cue, your husband catches a pass and runs it to the endzone.

“Aww, babygirl, I know it’s scary, but this is what we’ve been waiting for.” She brings your head to her shoulder.

“The game isn’t over; we can’t just- ohhh fuck it’s back,” you whine as the contractions come back tenfold. You feel it everywhere now, your abdomen, back, pelvis- it was like you were being stabbed and electrified all over.

“Sarah is on her way over, and I called someone to get Tee.”

❁ཻུ۪۪♡

“Great catch, Tee! Great job, baby!” His teammates hollered as the wide receiver jogged over to the bench. 

The Bengals were winning 28 - 18 over the Browns, with both Tee and Ja’Marr catching each pass that came their way. Tee was all smiles as he sat back and took off his helmet. 

“That’s right, boy, show ‘em who's they daddy!” He chuckles as Ja’Marr hypes him up.

“Aight now, only one person can call me that, and she ain’t here yet.” They do their handshake with similar smiles. 

“Now that game gon be special,” Ja’Marr says before one of the sideline managers approaches them. “Hey, what’s the rush?” 

The girl looks at Tee with a sheepish smile.

He furrows his brows. “What’s wrong?”

She catches her breath and then speaks up. “We just got a call from your mom, your wife- Y/n’s in labor.”

“My sister’s in labor! Shit, I guess that day’s today.” Ja’Marr chuckles as his brother-in-law jumps up.

“I gotta go- wait, Coach- fuck.”

“Don’t worry, just go, Taylor knows. Go meet your daughter.” She smiles, ushering him off the field.

“I’ll catch up with y’all later. Take care of them! Good luck!” Tee waves as he runs into the tunnel.  

❁ཻུ۪۪♡

Your midwife, Sarah, arrived at the house minutes after calling her and, making her the third person in your presence who seemed to enjoy your pain. Then, before she could even examine you, you leaned over in pain and felt a small gush of fluids coat your shorts. 

On the way to the birth center, you were shifting between feeling extremely anxious, pure electrocuting pain, and intense worry. Everything was happening so fast, and the fact that your husband wasn’t here was making all your nerves go off. 

“Wow, this room is really nice. I had all my babies in a cheap ass hospital, so I’m not used to this kind of luxury.” Your mom praised as you settled into your birthing room.

“Momma, I’m begging you.” 

Tee still hadn’t arrived yet, it that, along with the fact that you were currently 5 centimeters dilated, was not helping calm your anxiety at all. Sarah and the two moms in the room were doing their best to soothe your aches, but nothing beats the comfort of being in your man’s arms during your time in need.

“Maybe you should rethink the epidural, baby.” Mama T suggests while tying your braids up into a bun.

“Yea, babygirl, it could help. It’s never too late to ask.” Your mom added. 

In return, you shook your head, unable to open your eyes due to the pain. “No, we had a plan. No matter how bad it gets, I don’t want them to take away any of my senses.”

 God, how badly you needed your husband. You wanted him to be the one rubbing your back and helping you through the worst pain you’ve ever felt. How could he not be here right now? He’s been waiting for this day longer than you and is late! 

“Where the fuck is my husband?” You grunt through your gritted teeth.

“He’s on his way sweetheart, just breath.” Sarah coos, earning a deadly side eye from you. 

“I’m going to kill him.”

“How about you think about how happy and relieved you’re gonna be when all this is over and your baby girl is safely in your arms.”

“Why did I let him do this to me?” You groaned, completely ignoring her. As the contraction subsides, you lay your hand over your eyes and let the exhaustion of labor pull you into a shallow slumber.

“Maybe we should start her on some Nitrous?”

❝ ❞ ✧ ೃ༄

About Nine Months Ago..

“My boobs have been absolutely killing me.” You hiss as you palm the tender flesh. 

“Want me to massage ‘em for ya?” You catch the cheeky smile on your husband’s face through the bathroom mirror and shake your head.

“No, Tamaurice, that will make them worse.” 

“Awww, the government name. What did I do this time?” he lightly groans, shuffling into the bathroom like a sad toddler.

“Nothing that this can’t tell us.” You shrug, pulling a box out of a CVS bag. 

“Y/n?”

“Tee?”

“That’s a pregnancy test.” 

Ever since you and Tee got married, you kept a box hidden in the lower cabinet for emergencies. “Yes, it is.” 

“Why do you already have it?” It started as a gag gift from one of your friends. It was a Secret Santa party, and they thought it would be funny since you always joke about how much sex you and Tee have.

“Baby, it’s just a precaution. I could be just PMSing, but we have to rule out the possibility.”

“How many of these have you taken without me knowing?” Enough to know you want this one to be positive.

He turns your body to face his and perfectly reads the longing on your face. You want this to be the last one more than anything.

“Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to have a baby?” You shrugged, not knowing what to say.

“Y/n, I’m your husband. Remember that really expensive party on that mountain of snow? That was a wedding.” He chuckles as you slap his chest.

“I’m very aware that we’re married. It only happened eight months ago. I just didn’t want to be disappointed when you said no.” You frown, looking down.

“Hey, hey. Baby, don’t do that; let me see you.” His voice is calm and soft as he lifts your head to see his warm smile. “If you had told me you wanted to have a baby, I would’ve gotten you pregnant the second we got to the islands.” 

“Really?” He lifts you onto the counter so you can be eye to eye and smirks.

“Oh yeah, there’s nothing sexier than my wife walking around with my last name and my baby cooking for all the world to see. Fuck I’d love to see you pregnant with my jersey on. Then, by the end I get to raise a baby that looks just like you. I couldn’t be happier about that. Then after our little prince or princess is old enough and your ready, I’ll fuck you full of me again until there’s no doubt we’ll have another one on the way.”

Hearing him talk about getting you pregnant is so possessive, dirty, raunchy even, but all around absolutely amazing. He wants this just as much as you do, and maybe more. God, you’re lucky.

Grabbing his face, you smile as big as possible. “I love you so much, Tamaurice.” Then press your lips against his.

He chuckles into your lips and gently returns the kiss, wrapping your legs around him and hugging your body. “Ok baby, now don’t you have a test to take?” He asks after slightly pulling away, just enough for his words to come out clearly. You fully lean back and play with the braids on his neck.

“What if it’s negative?”

“Then I’ll spend the next few days making love to you all over this house, and we’ll enjoy every minute of it.” He said as if it was the sweetest dream he’d ever had, then pecked your forehead. “Okay mamas?”

Oh that name brought chills down your spine. You nodded as he lifted you off the counter and onto your feet. Taking a deep breath, you finally open the pink box and take out the test. “Will you stay here with me?”

“Of course, I will; now go pee on that stick mama.” He winks, slapping your butt as you walk into the water closet (private toilet). 

“I’m right here baby!” You roll your eyes but enjoy every bit of his enthusiasm. “I don’t hear any pissing, just giggling.”

“Oh my god, Tee, give it a second!”

“Want me to bring you some water? Actually I have a better idea.” Then he turns on the faucet. What’s not to love about this man?

Moments later, he hears a flush, and you join him back at the counter. “So…”

“We have to wait 15 minutes for the test to develop fully, " you said, putting the stick back in the box and washing your hands.

“You know waiting’s never been my strong suit.”

You roll your eyes and hop onto the counter. “Tell me a secret then.”

“Only if you tell me one.” He challenges laying his hands on your thighs.

“Deal.” You both smirk and count to 3 on your fingers. 

“Ja’Marr wasn’t the one who finished the rice and peas.”

“I hate making pecan pie.”

Your eyes widen while his jaw drops. “Baby, how the hell did you eat a whole pot of rice and peas?”

“Mamas, who gives a shit about the rice. You said you loved pecan pie. You asked my momma for the recipe!” Tee’s grip on your thighs deepens a bit.

“I said it because it was your favorite, and I wanted that second date! You can’t blame me for liking your fine ass. I would pretend to play flag football if it meant you’d like me as much as I did you. You know I hate running.” You whine, wrapping your arms around his neck and pecking his pouty lips.

His lips curve back up in a smile as he chuckles. “You do hate running, so you’ve made that pie every year on my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas shit whenever I mention it all for me. You’ve never liked it once?”

You slowly nod, biting your lip. “Nope.”

A smirk grows on his handsome face, exposing his sparkly teeth. “You must’ve really liked a nigga to be doin’ all the cooking with no ring.” 

You snort, rolling your eyes as he wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest. “Of course I fucking liked you, have you met yourself. You’re probably the most charismatic, fine, intelligent, kind, sexy man I’ve ever met.” You smile, pecking his lips until he meets your lips with more force. 

After the short but sweet kiss, he pulls back from your lips but leaves your foreheads touching. “Damn, I don’t know what I did to deserve a woman like you. But I thank god every day for you. You know I’d do anything for you, too, right? Without you, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. After my first year in the league, I was feeling really low. Then, this angel walked onto the practice field and changed my life. There was no way I would’ve turned you down, not when you brought a light to my life I didn’t realize was missing.” You smile misty-eyed as he wipes away a stray tear.

“Shit, the only thing I regret in life is not buying you a ring sooner.” He says, causing you to scoff.

“Oh, two years was too late for you?”

“Oh, yeah. I was ready to be with you forever from day one. Your big-headed brother is the one who told me to wait, " he smirked.

You chuckle, laying a hand on his cheek. “Well, it doesn’t matter now. I’m yours, and you’re mine; everyone else be damned.” His head turns slightly, and he kisses your palm.

“Just me and you, baby.”

Then the timer goes off.

.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡

When Tee finally reaches the birth center, he finds your mother pacing outside.

“Hey, mama J, what’s wrong? Is she alright? Is it the baby? Oh god, what happened?” He asks with his hands going to the top of his head, panicked and looking through doors to see if anything is happening.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here.” She sighs in relief, taking the corner of his shirt and dragging him inside.

“It’s bad, isn’t it? I told her I should’ve stayed home today, but she was too stubborn, and now-

“Now, she can finally relax because you’re here.” She smiles and turns into the room. You smiled immediately upon seeing the love of your life.

“Oh fucking, finally!” Tee lets out the breath he was holding in and rushes over to your bedside. “You took your sweet ass time.”

He chuckles at your grumpiness and lifts your chin for your lips to meet briefly. “I’m sorry, mamas, I got stuck in the pads and walked into a few walls trying to get them off.”

You press your lips together to suppress your laughter. “Okay, that makes everything better, " you say as the chuckles bubble to the surface. While you release your amusement, he admires how adorable you look in your soft pink gown, with your long braids pulled up into a bun and your large bump with a fetal monitor wrapped around it.

“I can’t believe we’re having a baby. How are you so calm right now? I’ve been freaking out since this morning.” He looks over at your contraction waves and goes bugged-eyed by the giant waves produced in contrast to your bubbly appearance. “What the hell?”

“She’s on nitrous.” His mom looks over, smirking. 

“Shit, momma, I forgot you were here.” He nervously chuckles as she walks over to her son and hugs him.

“That’s ok, you have more pressing matters. You should’ve seen her earlier, though. I thought she was gonna start swinging.” The pair look over at you, taking selfies in your hospital bed.

“Now look at her, giving birth and snapping pics, mm mm mm kids nowadays.”

Then, another wave of contractions hit you a bit differently. “Oh shit.” You raise and hug your belly. “Someone call Sarah right now!”

Tee’s brows scrunch. “What’s up?”

“The baby’s coming.” You take the oxygen mask your mom hands to you and take a deep breath. He comes over and puts his hand on your lower back.

“I know, that’s why we’re here.” You shake your head and grab his free hand, squeezing as hard as possible. “Baby?”

“There’s this pressure- a lot of fucking pressure. I feel like I need to push.” You groan out.

“Wait, you mean push push?” He asks wide-eyed.

“Yes, fuck! Oh my god! Fucking shit! Why the hell did I let you do this to me?”

“Ok, we need to order more nitrous.”

“Hello friends, oh Tamaurice, I'm glad you could join us today.” Sarah chimes, walking into the room in full gear.

“Oh, that was fast.” Tee remarks.

“I heard her from down the hall, so I assume it’s baby time!” Your midwife cheers, rolling her stool over to the bed.

Suddenly, all the anxiety from earlier about Tee missing your daughter’s birth evolves into anxiety about the birth itself. “Wait, wait, wait. Baby, I don’t think I can do this. We haven’t thought this through. I’m not ready. I can’t do this.”

“Hey hey hey,” Tee cups your face in his hands and takes in the immense worry in your eyes. “Y/n, you are way more than prepared. You know exactly what to do and have all the strength to do it. You’ve done an amazing job cooking and caring for her in there, but it’s time for her to be in your arms instead of your belly.”

“But what if I’m not a good mom? What if she comes out and we just fuck her up?” Your voice trembles as you lean into him.

“Mamas, you aren’t going to be a good mom- you’ll be the best. Every decision you’ve made in the past year was for her. Our princess is being welcomed by my queen, and my queen only gives her 110%. My queen also has a king who is willing to do any and everything for you. This king is also ready to meet his Princess Ti, and I bet her momma is too.” He pecks your lips and then smiles as your tears dry up.

“Okay, let’s have a baby.”

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

The following two hours felt like a blur of emotions: voices of your loved ones urging you to push, the hands-on your body holding you up, the exhaustion of the labor wanting to take over. Then, it all fluttered away with a sudden relief and a sharp cry. You immediately slumped back into the bed, the exertion impacting every part of your body. You wanted to fall asleep right there, now that all the pain had drifted away and you felt at ease. 

Then you opened your eyes and saw her.

At first, it was just a tiny head of dark hair. Then your midwife turned around, and there she was, wrapped up in a pink swaddle cloth, one hand swiping at her light brown cheeks and big eyes searching the room. 

“Oh my god.” Your whisper makes her eyes dark right to you, and she lets out a whimper.

“You want your mama, don’t you? Come on, sweet pea.” Sarah coos and you gently place her in your arms. 

“Oh wow, you’re real.” You breathily whisper to yourself. The infant’s eyes stay on you like you're the only person in the world, just like yours stay locked on her. “Hi, baby.” 

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Tee leans over to kiss your head. You nod, stroking her tiny cheeks. 

“Yeah, she looks just like her momma.” He smiles, caressing her head.

“She’s amazing, I can’t believe we made her.” You sniffle. “Baby, we’re parents.” You smile, looking up at your husband.

“Speaking of, mom and dad, does our little angel have a name?” 

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Tee says as he rummages through the bag he brought. 

“What is it?”

He comes back with three black circular velvet boxes, one twice as big as the other two. “Here’s the real reason I was late.” You watch him smile, puzzled, while he hands you the bigger one.

“What is this?” 

“These ones,” he holds up the other two boxes, “are for our little princess from her uncles J and JB.” He smiles, opening one to reveal a small tiara.

Your eyes widen, and a gasp escapes your mouth. “Oh my god, that is the cutest thing I have ever seen.” Tee chuckles as he removes the small cap from your daughter’s head and replaces it with the small crown.

“Joe’s been asking what he should get her for months. I kept saying something fit for a princess. And he definitely delivered. He reminded me to grab it from his locker before I left. He hid it very well.” 

“And the other one?”

“I’ve had this one for a while. I think it was about a month after telling Ja’Marr that he texted me saying he had something for me to pick up.” He opens the second box.

“He didn’t.” You look up at him in complete shock and take it out of his hands.

“Pure gold bracelet, anklet, and ring set, made by the same company in NOLA that made yours. It was so hard to keep it from you; every time you had a slight ache or pain that made your days long and tiring, I wanted to bring it out and cheer you up. Especially when we found out they went out of business. I know you wanted this for our baby girl so badly. J really pulled through with this one.” Your mom joins you, looking at the set in awe. 

“I didn’t even know he knew about that.” She whispers.

“Me neither.” You sniffle as your husband kneels, takes the small bracelet out, and clasps it around your baby’s wrist.

“There are more adjustable chains for when she outgrows this one, but for now, she’s perfect.” He smiles, kissing her tiny hand.

“What about this one?” Your mom points to the box he handed you first. 

“This one is from me to my beautiful bride, who I am forever thankful for and proud of for doing one of life’s hardest jobs and giving me my baby girl.” You blink away tears as he smiles and kisses your hand before sitting on the side of the bed and revealing the last item. “I told you you’d always be my queen. And since our princess already has hers..” 

“Tee, it's beautiful.” Your voice trembled as he lifted an almost identical replica of the tiara on your baby’s head onto your own. 

“Only the best for the loves of my life.” He wipes a fallen tear from your cheek and kisses your head. Shifting over in the bed, you gesture for him to sit closer, and he gladly scoots up next to you.

Sighing in pure contentment, you lay your head on his chest. “Thank you, " you replied softly, yawning, then gently passing the bag to your husband. 

“We gotta make sure the princess lives up to her name. Ain’t that right, Tiana?” He cooes holding her with one arm and you with the other, supporting her head with your body.

“Yea my little girl’s not gonna fall for those little f boy traps, nope. She has a daddy who will show her the universe, so no one can ever top it but yourself. My precious girl, Tiana...

You swiftly drift off into a deep sleep, listening to your husband make promises to her, knowing he will keep.

ʚ❤︎ɞ ᶫᵒᵛᵉᵧₒᵤ ʚ❤︎ɞ

A few hours later, after you’ve rested and fed your baby, Tiana receives her first visitor.

“Hey, family, where’s my Titi?” Ja’Marr sings, walking in your room.

Rolling your eyes, you nudge your head to where Tee’s sitting on the lounge chair next to your bed. 

“There she is,” he grins, sitting on the edge of the bed to admire her. “Wow, she’s incredible. You did a great job, sis.” He says, handing you two bags.

“Thank you, and thank you. How was the rest of the game?” you ask, opening the bag of steaming food, which fills the room with a mouthwatering aroma, and digging into your Cajun fries.

“It was okay. Most of the guys were worried about you. But we won, so all is well. They even dedicated the win to baby Tiana.” He chuckles, removing the beanie from his head.

“Holy shit,” you gasp, causing some of the fries to fall onto your gown.

He looks back at you, confused. “What?”

“Oh right, I forgot to tell her you buzzed your hair too.” Tee mentions it as if it was nothing.

“Bro, seriously.” Your brother questions, earning a shrug from your husband.

You continue to stare at him in shock but resume eating. “Did you do it yourself too?”

He shakes his head. “Hell nah, not after what I did to him.” You snort, thinking about the impromptu shape-up you had to give your husband.

“Yeah Tiana didn’t enjoy it either; she kicked so much that day.” 

“Baby, you sure it wasn’t because you overloaded on sugar beforehand?” Tee smirked, stealing one of your fries.

Before you can respond, you hear a whine come from his arms. 

“Oh, I'm sorry, Tiana. Are we not paying attention to you?” You smile at his ‘baby voice’ and look over to watch them interact, like everyone else in the room.

“Damn, she looks exactly like you, Y/n. Especially with the gold.” Ja’Marr winks.

“I still can’t believe you kept them a secret from me for eight months. I cried for days when they announced that they were closing down. I don’t know if you're the best or worst brother doing this to me.” He chuckled, wrapping an arm around you. 

“I think I earned brother of the year with that set.” You snorted, shaking your head.

“Yea, no, not with that haircut. Now go hold your niece.” You ordered, shoving him off the bed.

“Hey, that’s fine by me. Come on,  Titi, it’s Uncle Marr time.” He gave Tee grabby hands until the baby was passed into his arms then he took the seat.

“Thank goodness you don’t look anything like your dad. You might have his last name, but you got all the good Chase features.” Your husband rolls his eyes, joining you on the bed.

Wrapping his arms around you, he sighs softly. “That’s my princess.”

“I know, honey. Think about this: she might not have it now, but when she gets older, I know she’s gonna have your amazing smile.” 

“You think so?” You nodded, then kissed his lips. 

“I know so because that’s the only expression she’s going to know. She’s going to learn that she has the best daddy who always makes sure her momma is smiling. She'll never have to worry with you by her side.” 

He chuckled, showcasing his award-winning smile. “I love you and Tiana so much.”

“We know, right, Titi?” Your daughter wiggled in her uncle’s arms, trying to find your voice, and then a slight whimper started to bubble.

“Oh, come on, Tiana, we were having a moment.” Ja’Marr pouts as the baby’s eyes start crinkling.

“I guess I’ll give you back now, but I will be back, Titi.” He mumbles, handing her to you.

“Oh, my precious princess Ti.”

﹌﹌﹌ ꕥ ﹌﹌﹌ ꕥ ﹌﹌﹌ ꕥ ﹌﹌﹌

a/n: I don't think I've ever worked on a fic as much and as hard as this one. I'm very glad it's finished, so yall enjoy. The final part of this mini series will be out next week!

Likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated and encouraged if you liked this fic. (pls validate me lol)

[aflame4goinghome]

Part Of The Band

j.t.k x f.reader

part one

a/n: this is my first time writing Jake and I have to admit that it’s been so intimidating. he was the one I was soooo scared to write, since he’s my main lane. I plan to make this into a series, so I really hope you all enjoy it :)

word count: 5k

summary: your best friend asks you to come with her to a concert for a band that you’re unfamiliar with. your decision to go proves to have more repercussions than you thought when you run into the band at your favorite bar after the show. you never would have imagined the pull that you’d feel toward their guitarist, or that you would somehow manage to capture his attention…

warnings: yearning, some cussing, mentions of alcohol, smoking. some parts are slightly sexually implicit, including: light groping, kissing, and some sexual language. minors beware! the next part will definitely contain smut.

You’ve never been one to pass up on a night out, especially if it involves music. Music is something that you actively search for constantly, it defines you. You’d do anything to just be able to listen to live music, to close your eyes and just feel it flow through your body. Since you lack any actual musical talent besides half-decent singing, you just listen to it as much as you can.

So, when your roommate and best friend, Sophie, asked you to come with her to a concert tonight last minute, you could hardly just say no. Did you have a big midterm tomorrow afternoon that you needed to study for? Maybe. But live music always comes first. Sophie was always finding last-minute concerts for you to go to together- it was kind of your thing. This time, however, it was a band you didn’t really know.

You’re pretty sure you’ve heard one of their singles, Heat Above, online somewhere a few times but that was the most knowledge you had of Greta Van Fleet. You don’t know much about their background or their names, just that they make rock music and that’s all you need to be convinced to go. You and Sophie had always found yourselves at the Greek Theatre for just about any kind of concert, so this wasn’t a new thing for you.

The show is meant to start at 7:00 pm, but Sophie is always determined to be as close to the stage as possible, so you’re getting ready in the afternoon to get there around 2:30 or 3 o’clock. In the name of comfortability, you opt to wear ripped black skinny jeans, a white halter top, and your Doc Martens. You keep your hair down, wavy and lying right below your shoulders. You put on some simple makeup, just to cover up any blemishes you might have, do some tight-lined eyeliner, and put on a bit of your favorite silver eyeshadow. You take a deep breath. Okay, you’re ready.

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Sophie calls your Uber over to the Greek and you both arrive there just in time. You see about 50 people there already, so you both know that you’ll have a great spot in the small pit. You guys sit down at the end of the line and make yourselves comfortable to wait in the line for several hours until you’re let into the venue. Late October in LA can be pretty comfortable, today is in the mid-70s, so it isn’t a terrible day to camp out. You and Sophie talk about schoolwork, gossip about your friends, and play various games until it’s suddenly 6 o’clock and it’s time to head into the venue.

The group walks down the steps of the Greek and security has the line start all the way to the left of the pit. You and Sophie end up standing toward the front of the right side of the stage, which you’re perfectly content with. It’s not long before the openers come on- they were all great. The energy in the theatre was amazing and the weather was beautiful, it was like a dream.

Next thing you know, the lights go out and it’s pitch black. The crowd goes wild, screaming for the band to come out. Ominous music starts to play over the speakers and a short video plays on the screens on the sides of the stage. You can tell that the band enjoyed building suspense and it certainly works.

Suddenly, you see a dark silhouette emerge from stage left and appear right in front of your gaze. He’s holding a guitar, stepping up to the front of the stage where you assume his pedals are, and strikes a loud chord, bringing everyone’s attention to him. The lights turn up, with a sole spotlight on him, as he starts to play a dark, hypnotizing melody that almost takes the air out of your lungs. You turn your focus to the drummer and keyboardist entering the stage now, adding to the mix and making the sound grow even larger and darker than before.

The crowd then screams as the singer walks out with an enormous smile on his face. You can immediately tell what fans would love about him, he exudes brightness and kindness from the second you look at him. He begins vocalizing and you’re taken aback by his singing abilities, his voice is truly amazing.

The first verse begins and you decide to turn your attention back to the guitarist. You study the way he moves on stage; how he walks upstage then downstage with this confident strut that you can’t help but feel mesmerized by. You notice a theme of blue in their outfits but are drawn specifically to the design on the guitarist’s suit, covered in stars and astrological symbols of the Taurus, paired with dark boots. It’s honestly beautiful.

As you’re admiring what he’s wearing, you take a moment to truly look at him. He has long brown hair with a slight wave to it, falling an inch or two below his collarbones. His eyebrows are dark and quite thick, knit tightly as he’s concentrating on what he’s playing. His eyes are equally as dark, though it's hard to tell their exact hue from this many feet away.

You catch yourself staring for too long and want to make the effort to shift your eyes elsewhere and as you do, his eyes meet yours. It’s a concert, of course the band is going to make eye contact with their fans, it’s a small pit. But he seems to hold his gaze for several seconds to the point where you think he might actually be looking at you specifically. You give him a shy smile, which he returns, and then moves on with the song.

The rest of the song continues and you think you’re really starting to like Greta Van Fleet, the music is truly fantastic. The singer’s voice is beautiful and like nothing you’ve ever heard before. Suddenly he stops and the guitarist approaches the end of the stage, seemingly for his guitar solo. It’s nothing short of amazing, the way that he plays the guitar is so captivating, it’s like your eyes can’t look away.

You hear the crowd go insane for it, screaming things like “Yeah Jake!” “Do it, Jakey!” “Fuck it up!!” and you’re sure that he’s eating it all up. Jake, you think to yourself. Interesting. It becomes clear that the girls go crazy for him and you know that must give him some sort of complex. He seems so confident and you can’t blame him, with all the praise that he’s receiving- praise that is very well-deserved.

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All of the following songs go the same exact way. You can’t seem to take your eyes off of Jake. You’ve also deeply fallen in love with their music and the love that it emits. You feel very glad about your decision to go to the concert tonight- you can feel that this has changed the course of your life in some way. Throughout the show, you notice that sometimes Jake would catch you watching him, which you didn’t mind. Surely he was used to being watched on stage like that, in amazement and admiration. You truly do admire him and his talent, it’s something very special. All of his riffs are so satisfying to hear and the chords blend so perfectly.

Once the encore ends, the band goes to leave the stage. You watch Jake as he walks toward the end of the stage, which you assume is to hand out his guitar picks before leaving for the night. Much to your surprise, he looks right at you as he leans over and tosses it to you. Your cheeks turn a shade of pink and you look up at him, smiling and thanking him. What a night to remember. You think that this would be it, but you are dead wrong.

You and Sophie turn to exit the pit, which takes some time considering how close you are to the front. You’re eventually able to exit the theatre and wait on the sidewalk for a game plan. “So… you wanna go to the Tavern?” Sophie asks. The Tavern is your go-to bar in Beverly Hills; it has a good atmosphere, great cocktails, and isn’t too far from campus. You and Sophie go there at least once every weekend, they all know your names there. You glare at her with a concerned look, “Soph, I have such a big exam tomorrow, are you serious?” She rolls her eyes, “Come on! Live a little! You’re telling me you don’t wanna at least get a little drunk to take your mind off of it? We just saw an amazing show, let’s go celebrate!”

Sophie always knew how to convince you to do anything, no matter what it was. She knew your weaknesses every time. You groan, “Ugh, fine. But if you have to wake my ass up tomorrow at 2 pm for my exam because I’m too hungover, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.” She smiles wide and says “I know, I know. I’ve already called the Uber to take us there now.” Cheeky girl, she knew she’d convince you.

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It's already midnight by the time you arrive at the Tavern. The last call is always at 1 am so you know that you won't be there too long. You both walk in and find your favorite booth in the back, placing your jackets down before going up to the bar to order your drinks. Sophie orders you both a shot of tequila, then gets herself a margarita. You order a bourbon punch and turn back to take a seat in your booth. You both take your shots when you sit down, then you debrief tonight’s events.

“So, what did you think of the band? Did you like them?” Sophie asks.

“Yeah, it was amazing actually. I don’t know how I hadn’t found them before now. The music that they make is extraordinary,” you reply with a smile. You do have some questions, though. “So what’s their deal? The lore?”

“Oh, well they’re from Michigan. They’re actually brothers, besides the drummer- though they all grew up together. Josh, the singer, and Jake, the guitarist, are twins.” You nod your head. I did think they looked alike, you think to yourself. “Sam is their younger brother, and Danny is his best friend. They’ve been making music for a while but they blew up a lot in like 2019 and then this new album skyrocketed their fame.”

“Well, that doesn’t surprise me. This album is absolutely breathtaking. From what I heard tonight, their music is so mind-blowing. It really took my breath away,” you explain.

“I knew you'd love it. I’m so glad that you’re into them now. Especially Jake, it seemed,” she smirked.

You reach over to smack her on the arm and exclaim, “Sophie! That’s crazy! I don’t know where you got that idea! I was not into him.” The blush that’s made its way to your face tells a different story, however.

“You so were! You couldn’t take your eyes off of him that entire show, I watched you. I think he might’ve been looking at you too, you know,” she jests. Just the thought that Jake might have been actually interested in you made your stomach turn. You shake your head.

“No, Soph. There’s no way. Sure, we might have locked eyes once or twice, but there were thousands of people there. I’m sure he looks at all of his fans like that…” you trail off, wanting to shut this conversation down as soon as possible to save yourself from any further embarrassment. You pick up your glass, which is half empty, then chug the whole thing. “Oh, look at that, my drink is gone. I’m gonna go get another, I’ll be back.” You smirk at her, successfully avoiding the conversation for now, and then get up from your seat to walk back to the bar.

As you approach the bar, there’s a group of men leaning against it, ordering drinks. You go to stand on the right of them to wait your turn and the man next to you senses your presence and turns to look at you. As he turns in your direction, you see the long chestnut hair and are met with dark chocolate eyes. You’re immediately hit with the realization: Oh my god. It’s Jake.

He looks at you and offers a soft smile as a greeting. “Hi…” you manage to let out, looking up at him. “Hey,” he replies. You glance behind him and see the rest of the band. Oh my GOD. Greta Van Fleet is at my bar. You just stand there leaning against the bar for a moment looking at him, unsure of what to say next. You find yourself looking him up and down, analyzing what he’s wearing off the stage.

He has on a different pair of boots now, a light brown color. He's wearing some tattered blue jeans and a navy blue, long-sleeved button-up shirt, of which the top four buttons are undone, leaving his upper chest partially exposed. The lighting in the Tavern reflects off of it in such a mesmerizing way. You realize that you’ve been staring for far too long and go to say something, but luckily he beats you to it.

“Were you at our show tonight? I think I remember your face…” Jake says, looking into your eyes as though he’s piercing right into your soul, studying you. You feel stuck, though you’re not sure why. Up until today, you weren’t a fan of theirs and you wouldn’t have thought anything about this interaction at all whatsoever. So why were you so flustered? You finally work up the courage to answer.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was there. It was… spectacular,” you say with a shy smile, finally meeting his gaze. He smiles back at you when your attention is suddenly pulled away by the sound of a loud voice coming from behind him.

“You really liked it? I’m so glad. I get so in my head sometimes, y’know, I was so nervous. So it’s lovely to hear that I didn’t totally crash and burn.” The man that you now understand to be Jake’s curly-headed twin reaches over the bar past Jake and extends his hand out to you. “I’m Josh, by the way,” he adds with a wide smile. You reach your hand out to shake his, in total shock that this is actually happening.

“Hi, Josh. I’m Y/N, which I was just about to tell your brother here…” you joke, making him realize that he’d accidentally interrupted something. He makes an “oh that’s awkward” kind of face and pulls at his collar, causing you to laugh. Jake watches as you interact with his twin with a look on his face that you can’t quite place. Like he’s trying to figure you out.

“Sorry about him, Y/N, sometimes he just speaks first and then thinks after,” you hear from further down the bar. You look up to see that voice coming from Sam next to him, who gets a shove from his older brother and erupts into contagious laughter. You watch Danny shake his head, chuckling, and you laugh along with them. Jake looks over at you, smiling. You smile back at him and he speaks up, drawing your attention back to him and him alone.

“What are you drinking, Y/N?” he asks. “Oh, um, a bourbon punch,” you answer. “Another bourbon punch for this lovely lady here, please,” he says to the bartender, “You can put it on my tab.” You look at him in shock and try to protest but he sees it coming, saying “No, I insist. As a thank you, for your support and for making my brother happy for a moment there with your compliment- he’s easy to please.”

He leans one arm onto the counter and smirks at you as the bartender places your drink down in front of you. “Cheers, sweetheart,” Jake says, raising his glass to yours. You glance down at the glass to see what he’s drinking, which seems to be whisky, neat. It suits him. You smile at him and say “Cheers” and take a sip of your fresh drink. His eyes are looking into yours so intently that it almost feels like they’re burning into you. Something about him is so intriguing yet slightly intimidating that you want to learn more.

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“Are you here alone?” he asks. “Oh, no, I’m here with a friend. She’s back there at our table.” Jake looks behind you to see Sophie, who has been intently watching this entire interaction unfold. He smiles and gives her a little wave to come over, so she stands up and comes up to the bar. “Would you both like to join us for a round? We have a larger booth upstairs with a few of our friends.” His eyes look down at you for an answer, waiting and hoping for a yes. Before you can answer, Sophie chimes in to answer for you, “We’d love to!” she says, elbowing your side to encourage you to agree and you nod along. “Yeah, sure, we can stay for a bit longer,” you reply, looking up at Jake, who seems satisfied with that answer.

The rest of the guys get their drinks and you follow them up the winding staircase to the large booth that they reserved. When you arrive at the table, you see a few other people waiting there whom you assume to be part of their management, security, and some personal friends. Danny and Sam slide in first to the left to join their friends and Josh goes for an open spot on the right side. Jake extends his hand out, offering for you to take a seat between them, and then slides in on the left next to you. Sophie opts to sit next to Sam on the end, across from you.

You both introduce yourselves to the rest of the group. Their friends seem unsurprised that they managed to make friends in the short time they’ve been in the bar. From the few minutes you’ve spent with them, you can tell that their social and charismatic tendencies would likely often lead to new friendships everywhere they go. It’s something you’re starting to admire about them.

As you’re getting to know the group, it’s impossible not to notice Jake’s eyes on you. He’s studying you as you speak, watching the way your lips move and admiring you. It’s difficult to ignore, though you try your best to. He starts speaking and you turn your head to look at him, taking the time to look him over as well. You look at his eyes, mostly, a mesmerizing dark chocolate color that turns into amber when the light touches them. His nose is straight and pointed, his lips look soft and full.

He catches you staring at him, just for a moment, and uses the opportunity to place his right hand on your knee, exposed by the large rips in your jeans, rubbing small circles on top of it. It makes you jump a little at first touch, startled by his actions. You couldn’t believe this was real life. You look up at him and you both lock eyes. It falls silent for a moment and Josh starts a conversation with Daniel across the table, everyone else engaging and chiming in. Jake takes this opportunity to lean into your ear a bit to talk to you on his own, which he’s been dying to do.

“I know you were watching me earlier, at the show…” he whispers in your ear, loud enough only for you to hear. Your heart nearly stops, but he continues. “It’s okay, you know, I don’t mind it. If anything, I kind of liked it,” he says, his breath feeling hot on your skin. “Maybe I was,” you answer shyly, turning your face toward him a bit so that he can hear you more clearly. Your eyes meet and you watch as his eyes quickly dart to your lips, then back up to look at you once more.

“I was watching you too,” he says, sliding his hand a bit higher above your knee, resting on your inner thigh, slightly gripping it. “Watching you study me… and how my fingers worshipped the strings…” he continues, leaning closer to your ear, his lips grazing lightly over it. Shivers run down your back and continue down toward your core, causing you to silently yearn for more. You inhale deeply, then ask “And what did you think about that, Jake?” saying his name in a honeyed tone, causing him to squeeze your thigh and look deep into your eyes, piercing through them. You knew exactly what he was thinking, but you wanted to hear him say it. You wanted to be absolutely sure that what you thought was about to happen was actually happening.

“Do you wanna go outside for a smoke, Y/N?” Jake asks, slightly loud enough so that the others can hear. Sophie looks at you, smirking; she clearly can tell exactly what’s going on. She nods at you, encouraging you to go. “Uh, yeah Jake, sure,” you mutter, a bit awkwardly. You weren’t expecting him to try and get you alone, you had felt all this time that he was just playing with you. It’s clear now, though, that this was not a game.

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He stands up from the booth and offers his hand to help you up as well. Despite the dark aura that surrounds him, he still appears to be quite the gentleman. You stand up from the booth, shoot Sophie a nervous look, and then turn around to head back down the stairs. Jake follows closely behind you.

You get to the bottom of the stairs and head to the back of the Tavern to go out the back door, to the smoking area. It’s an outdoor patio behind the bar, illuminated with low-lit string lights and decorated with some picnic tables with a few ashtrays. You exit through the door and turn around to face him as the door closes silently behind him. His eyes are darker now, piercing into you as he approaches you. You back up slowly until the backs of your legs hit one of the tables and then sit on the edge of it while Jake takes out a pack of Marlboro Reds and a black lighter from his back pocket.

He pulls a cigarette out of the pack, places it between his lips, and then brings the lighter up to light it. He takes a long drag out of it and blows it to the side, avoiding blowing any smoke in your face, then steps closer to you until he’s standing between your legs, only inches away from you. He puts the cigarette down to sit on the ashtray for a moment and he finally speaks.

“Y/N/ I can’t seem to stop thinking about you. You’ve captivated me from the second the lights turned up on that stage tonight. I haven’t been able to take my eyes off you…” he says, bringing his hand up to your cheek and running his thumb along your cheek. He’s watching your eyes, how they look up at him with anticipation, waiting for him. He can feel the power that he has over you.

“I can’t stop thinking about you either… Seeing you for the first time on stage tonight has caused you to completely take over my thoughts ever since. No matter how hard I tried to watch the others, my eyes kept getting drawn right back to you. It was like I couldn’t control it,” you say, glancing down at his lips and then back to his eyes longingly. “I don’t feel like I can control myself around you, baby… I’m being tempted to throw out all of my rules for you,” Jake says in a low whisper, bringing his face closer to yours.

Your eyes look up at his, pleading. He can’t hold himself back anymore, finally closing the gap between you. He kisses you so deeply that it takes the air out of your lungs. He leans into you and his hand that was once on your cheek grasps the back of your neck tightly, causing you to let out a quiet whimper. Just the sound of it lights a fire within him, he takes his other hand to hold your hip in place and groans into your mouth. You place your hands around his neck and pull him closer to you, your bodies now flush together.

Jake pulls away, his face still only a few inches from yours, and tries to catch his breath. His left hand squeezes your hip as the other leaves your neck in order to reach behind you to grab his cigarette, still lit. He takes a drag from it blowing it to the side, but keeps his eyes locked on yours and watches as you stare at his lips when he blows the smoke out. He takes note of your interest in the way he’s blowing the smoke and says, “Open your mouth.”

You immediately obey, knowing you’d do anything he asks you to, and open your mouth. He takes another drag of the cigarette and kisses you again, blowing the smoke into your mouth and you breathe it in as you lean into the kiss. This elicits another moan from him, clearly turned on by the act. He leans into you harder and bucks his hips into you slightly, trying to release some tension. You moan quietly into his mouth at the sensation, your desire starting to pulsate between your legs.

His lips leave your mouth and place kisses along your jaw then down your neck, causing you to let out a small sigh. “You don’t even know what you do to me, sweetheart,” Jake mutters against your skin. He brings his mouth back to yours and kisses you once more, but you pull yourself away.

“Jake… I want this. I want you, but… not now.” He looks disappointed by your words but backs away slightly, sliding both of his hands down to your waist. “I’m sorry, I just- I have this big exam tomorrow and I’ve already stayed out so much later than I ever even intended to. I have to go home.”

He nods his head in understanding, then it seems like a lightbulb lights up in his head. He smiles and says, “Come to the show tomorrow night, then. Please… I need to see you again. I want to see you front and center when I play.” You’re taken aback completely at his kind offer. You know you need to see him again too, and you’d like nothing more than to watch them perform again. You nod your head, “Oh, Jake. I would love to go. That’s so sweet,” you say, smiling bashfully. Jake’s face lights up at your answer, “It’s gonna be a great show, baby. You won’t regret it. I’ll have Jenn email you the tickets as soon as we get back to our hotel, one for Sophie too.” You thank him and place a soft peck on his cheek, causing a hue of pink to form there. You both go back inside and return to your friends upstairs.

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“Soph, you ready to go home?” you ask her. “I really gotta get up for this midterm tomorrow,” you explain to the others, who all nod and wish you luck. Sophie nods and says goodnight to everyone. Jake offers to walk you both out to the bus stop to wait for the bus to take you back to your apartment. Sophie goes to sit on the bench as you wait a bit behind with Jake.

He places a soft goodnight kiss on your lips and you hum into it and smile as he brings his hand up to cup your cheek. “Here, let me see your phone,” he says, taking it and typing in his phone number, putting his contact name as “Sir Jacob ⚔️”, which makes you giggle. “Text me when you make it home safe, sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says with a smirk. “See you tomorrow, Jake,” you reply as he turns back to the front door of the Tavern. He turns back around and gives you a soft smile, and you wave goodbye before he goes back inside.

You turn around and sit down on the bench next to Sophie, who finally wants to know all of the details. The bus arrives and you fill her in on everything on the ride home, causing her to laugh and scream in excitement, much to the dismay of the other exhausted people who are on the city bus at one o’clock in the morning. You tell her that he’s sending you tickets for both of you to go to the next show tomorrow night and that he’s asking security to put you in the front row, which she is so psyched about.

You both finally arrive home and you take your makeup off, put some comfier clothes on, and collapse into bed. What a night, you think to yourself. It was nothing like you ever could have imagined. You turn over and plug your phone in, then open up the messages app and type in “Sir Jacob ⚔️”.

You: home safe <3

Sir Jacob ⚔️: Good. Sweet dreams, beautiful.

You: goodnight, jake

You place your phone down on your bedside table and flop down on your back, letting out a long sigh. You think about your exam tomorrow and the excitement that will come thereafter. You wonder where tomorrow night will lead you as you close your eyes and try to fall asleep. God, what have I gotten myself into?

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this story will be continued... comment to be added to the taglist! thank you so much for reading!

part two

[beansricejc]

JOHN WICK X READER: The Courier

part one (part 2!)

authors note: this is my first drabble on tumblr, I do plan on making these into a small series! please lmk your thoughts if you’d like! thx 💕

summary: you are an up and coming courier for organized criminals. you bump into buzzed and confident John at a cocktail party while you���re in the middle of work, but you let him know you don’t have time for his games.

warnings: NSFW blurb, alcohol, cursing, motorcycles?

John wasn’t one for parties. Well, he pretended that he wasn’t one for parties. It’s part of the image, the gruff and tough hitman, best in the world. He had a reputation to uphold.

But he wouldn’t deny a good drink and some conversation every once in a while.

The bar and lounge area in the Continental was quite, well, bustling. Filled with assassins, crime lords, you name it. If they were someone in the criminal underworld in NYC, they were here tonight. John could feel the tension between gangs in the air, the rules of the hotel hung above everyone’s head.

No business conducted on hotel grounds.

Of course, no one dared to break that rule.

Here was John, in a congregation of hitmen that he has known over the past several decades. Chatting it up with booze in hand, and on their breath. Some would call them OGs. In the game long enough for people in the industry to know not to fuck with them. Especially John. These old dogs didn’t need new tricks, in fact, all of them had body counts that combined, would make the High Table shudder.

But of course, what comes up, eventually must come down. They were aging men. As early as their late 30s, and as late as their mid 50s. There was fresh meat lurking on the sidelines, waiting for their chance to be in the spotlight.

And that’s were she comes in.

Y/N.

New to the game. Well, fairly new. She wasn’t an expert, however, she was very good at what she did. Was she a killer for hire? Not exactly. Y/N had created an industry no one in the underworld knew was needed. In fact, it was very convenient.

An anonymous courier business.

You need to send over files but the Feds are on your ass and probably have acess to your fax machine? Call Y/N. She’ll be at your door in 20 minutes to drive across the city to deliver it for you. You forget it’s your wife’s birthday because you were too busy pile driving your side piece to remember? Y/N will pick up something for her at Target and get it to your door in an hour.

You get the idea.

Have a hard drive of the password to a Bitcoin account that’s worth 5 million dollars? Y/N will bring it to whoever needs it in the city, on her modified motorcycle, gun on hip and helmet on head, safe and sound. She had a perfect track record of delivering things for crime syndicates around New York City for the past year and a half.

Enemies? Not for Y/N. Every criminal group used her services. So much in fact, she had even hired a small team. She was growing. Slowly. But growing.

It wouldn’t take long for John to notice Y/N. In fact, he would take notice in a few moments, right after he took a large sip of his bourbon that he just had to have tonight. John was chuckling amongst colleagues, as he noticed Y/N walk into the lounge, seemingly with work on her mind. Her helmet was still on her head, and she wore a form fitting protective biker suit that matched everything she wore.

Black.

John frowned in confusion. He’s never seen anyone wear full motorcycle gear into the hotel before, much less one that was sort of crashing a party.

Y/N walked quickly, right up to the man himself, Winston. She wasted no time, unzipping her well organized backpack and handing Winston a protected manilla envelope, with god knows what inside. The elderly man smiled kindly at the helmeted woman, quickly signing some sort of touch screen device with his finger, before she efficiently put her bag back on over her shoulder, and began to walk away.

John raised his eyebrows at the sight. Who was that? He couldn’t help but form a soft but playful grin as his eyes danced around her figure that was covered by that riding suit.

“Any of you recognize that one?” John blurted during a discussion his friends were having. The men turned their heads towards Y/N, all chuckling softly.

“Yeah, Y/N. She works this delivery service for people like us in the city. Super under the table type stuff. You seriously haven’t heard of her?” Marcus asked, as John shook his head.

“No. I’m not familiar.” John huffed out. John was a curious man, and he just had to know more. So, enticed by this mystery woman, he wriggled through the thick crowd of guests to catch up to her. Before she could make it any closer to the door, John gave her a light tap on the shoulder. The woman jumped a bit, before turning around.

There he was. The man. The myth. The legend. John fucking Wick. Y/N almost froze in fear at the mere sight of the man who towered over her. She had to swallow the lump that formed in her throat.

John stared down at her, trying his best to look through the blacked out facial shield on her biker helmet. He was just itching to know what she looked like. Guess he’d do it himself. He was a man of little words after all. What was she going to do, fight him?

John took his large hands and placed them on her helmet, applying pressure and lifting it up and off of her head.

“H-hey! What the hell?” Y/N stuttered out, as John took a moment to study her delicate features.

Wow, she’s fairly easy on the eyes. John thought to himself as his eyes trailed all over her face. With nice cheekbones and gorgeous eyes, anyone who had sight could tell that this was a woman you could never forget. An impish smile curled onto the man’s lips, his very well maintained black beard framing his mouth to perfection. Y/N unintentionally took in his scent of patchouli and tobacco. Of course she could also smell the whiskey on his breath but that went without saying.

“Well, aren’t you just a pretty thing?” John hummed out softly at the young woman, as she grabbed her helmet and plucked it with force from his grip. It was clear that this infamous hitman had a few bourbons to drink already tonight, and he didn’t mind finding a pretty woman to take up to a hotel room after a few more.

Y/N grumbled as John bit his tongue to force himself not to say anything else in this moment.

I’ve only heard stories about this guy, scary ass stories. What a pain in my ass. Better deal with him so I don’t make an enemy.

John was maybe a decade or two older than her. Jesus christ. Y/N had daddy issues but this would be a whole other level if she decided to even pursue something like John.

“Sorry. I gotta go, still working.” Y/N spoke to him as professionally as possible. John displayed a perky smile on his face, his eyes racing with attraction.

Just look at her. I’d be crazy if I didn’t shoot my shot.

“You can’t do just one drink with me? I’m sure your client would understand if they knew who you were with.” John offered, gesturing towards the hotel lounge full of people.

Y/N laughed nervously, her heart racing at the mere sight of this man. The way this older man with obvious charisma was certainly getting to her.

And here John was, thinking about how pretty Y/N’s lips would look wrapped around his hard cock. Her head bobbing as he used his large strong hands to grab a fistful of hair, making her take him deeper into her throat each time. Maybe she’d gag and plead with him to be gentle. Maybe she’d be a total pro at it. Maybe a mix of both. With tears in her eyes as she whimpers in pain, while her legs trembled for John to make his way over to spread them apart for the real fun.

“I’m really sorry, I just have a few jobs-”

John’s long pointer finger swooped under her soft chin, lifting her face to meet his gaze. Y/N had no idea what to do, there has never been a man this forward towards her in her life. Just the thought of John’s touch alone made hundreds of women wet with excitement. Y/N knew she shouldn’t be one of them, it wasn’t smart mixing work and love.

As they say, don’t shit where you eat.

John could sense tension striking the area where they stood. Right now, there was nobody else in the room besides for this woman. He took her as a challenge, new blood. Young, pretty, and probably naive, right? Someone he could have a bit of fun with upstairs after he bought her a few drinks.

If John were sober right now, he would have probably said ‘goodbye’ in a polite and formal way, smiling as she left the building. John with some liquor in him though, was a completely different man. The rumors people spoke in the criminal underworld were true, this man though and though, was a total playboy.

So of course, when a new and unfamiliar pretty face in town crossed his path, he just had to have her. At least for the night. He was especially curious about what she had underneath that form fitting riding suit, not that it left too much up to the imagination.

Y/N cleared her throat.

“Right, uh, I’m gonna, uh, go.” Y/N mumbled, pulling away from John’s electrifying touch, taking a subtle deep breath. John blinked his brown eyes of his a few times, almost lost in his train of thought in the few moments that he had her in his gentle but firm grasp.

Before he knew it, she was hurrying out of the hotel doors. Y/N didn’t think twice to get out of that awkward/terrifying/intimate situation. So many emotions were flowing through her at once, her heart beating at about a mile a minute. It didn’t take long for her to climb onto her motorcycle, start it up, and peel off down the busy street, away from that god forsaken hotel.

And then there was John. Shocked, stunned even. A woman who didn’t immediately jump at the chance to have drinks with him? Unbelievable.

He could hear his group of fellow middle aged hitmen snicker at his failed attempt at picking up the woman, and all he could do was clench his jaw, and walk back to the bar.

They’d meet again. Of course. It would take some time, John was a patient man, and Y/N was a working woman. Their paths would eventually cross again, especially in the industry they were involved in.

And maybe, just maybe, John could have his chance with Y/N, and actually convince her to have that drink with him.

Even if it was just for some fun.

[missjomarch]

Thoughts about sitting between lukeys legs against his chest while you write an essay you’ve been stressing over

A/N: loved LOVED writing this request. Came to me in the middle of finals week so perfect comforting thoughts. Thank you for your patience anon, I got busy (again, finals 🥲). Enjoy 🫶

You had always taken school very seriously, and you were good at most subjects. However, as a STEM major, writing essays was the bane of your existence. It wasn’t that you weren’t good at it, having earned a high grade on all previous essays for this class. But being the perfectionist you are, you had a terrible habit of nit-picking everything you wrote. You’d finally get a thought down, only to delete and reword it a million times until it felt perfect. It made any simple essay into an extremely daunting task. Luke knew you struggled, and while he wasn’t much help in the academic department, he was your biggest cheerleader.

Currently, you were working on an research analysis paper you’d been putting off for two weeks. Now it was due in two days. After your minor mental breakdown the night before, Luke promised to help you get it done today. He had gotten you set up on the couch of your apartment before he left for morning skate at 8. However, he hadn’t expected to find you in the exact same spot when he returned four hours later.

Your eyes meet his as he walks through the door, and it feels like the first time you’ve looked away from the screen in hours. His hair is still wet from his shower, and he holds a Chipotle bag in his hands.

“Hey babe,” Luke calls into your apartment, setting the food on the kitchen counter before making his way towards the couch. He wears a small smile as he leans down to place a kiss to the back of your head. You attempt to flash a smile over your shoulder, but Luke has already noticed the tension in your face.

“How’s the essay going?” Luke hums, leaning down to see your computer screen as his hands begin rubbing at the tightness in your shoulders. You let the singular paragraph on your screen do the talking, opting for a slight shake of the head instead of a verbal response. You let out a heavy sigh, and attempt to rub the burning sensation from your eyes.

“How long have you been working on it?” Luke mumbled, hands still working at your shoulders.

“Since you left this morning,” you uttered, leaning your head slightly to rest on his forearm. “I swear I’m trying but my brain is just not wording today.”

Luke leaned to press a soft kiss to your temple, “let’s take a break, yeah? I brought you food.”

You let out another soft sigh before agreeing and closing your laptop. You stand up from the couch, Luke’s hands falling from your shoulders, and make your way to the kitchen. You get each of you a water from the fridge as Luke takes the food from the bag. You take a moment to drink in all six feet and 2 inches of your boyfriend as he grabs forks from the drawer. The sight of him in a backwards hat and fitted long sleeve is much more pleasing than the glaring computer screen.

“You’re staring, love.” Luke calls from the other side of the kitchen, breaking you from your trance. You roll your eyes at the smirk playing on his lips, and sit down and the island. Luke hands you your food and stands across from you to eat his. You can’t help the smile that forms as you realize he never texted to ask for your order. You know he has most of them in a note on his phone, but it always surprises you. You chat while you eat, Luke doing most of the talking as he gives you the details about morning practice and his upcoming games. You avoid the topic of the essay until you’re finished eating. It doesn’t take near as long as you’d like, and 30 minutes later you’re cleaning up your food and mentally preparing to start again. Luke doesn’t miss the dread in your eyes, and comes to rest his hands on your waist.

“How can I help you, baby?” Luke mutters, eyebrows furrowed in concern. One hand massages your hip lightly as the other comes to brush a fallen piece of hair from your face. You pout lightly, knowing he won’t let you procrastinate any longer.

“I don’t know…” you sigh, thinking for a moment. “Can you just sit with me?”

Luke is nodding his head immediately, “anything you need, babe.”

He grips your hand and carefully drags you towards the couch. He sets up on the chaise and settles you between his legs.

You lean into his hold, back against his chest, before moving your computer to your lap. His familiar scent engulfs you immediately, and it soothes your stress slightly. One of his arms snakes around your waist, and he keeps the other to scroll through his phone as you work. You set your focus back on the screen, determined to finish this damned essay.

The two of you remain like this for two hours as you type away. Occasionally you have Luke read a section to ensure it sounds decent. He always happy to insist that it’s perfect, awarding you with a small kiss. After managing to reach just past the halfway point, you take a small break and relocate to your bedroom for a change of scenery. You remain in the same position, only this time on your bed with Luke propped against the headboard behind you. He has a few wordage suggestions here and there, but is mostly silent as you write.

It’s 4:30 pm when you finally shut your laptop, letting out a long breath you had been holding. Your head falls back against Luke’s chest as he looks down at you.

“Finished?” You nod, eyes closing briefly as you mumble out a ‘finally’ in response. He laughs, setting his phone to the side to wrap you in his arms more firmly.

“Good job, babe. Knew you could do it.” Luke says, lips pressed to your hairline. You send him a small glare, still slightly annoyed at him for forcing you to work but thankful nonetheless. You break from his hold to turn and face him.

“Thank you for helping me, I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He smirks back at you.

“Probably flunk out of college,” He teases.

“Andddd lovey dovey moment over,” you sigh, rolling your eyes at his typical antics. You flipped back around to lay against his chest once more.

“Nap?” Luke proposes. He knows you’ll say yes and is already scooting down to lay down. You just nod, humming an ‘mhm’. You let him spoon you as you lay, sleep already overtaking you both. Your legs become entangled as Luke moves his head to rest in the crook over your neck. His warm breath is comforting, and you relax further into his arms. You feel Luke press a soft kiss to your neck, and your eyelids finally shut against the stress of the day.

[bunnygirlwhore]

Doing a replay of Deltarune chapters 1 and 2 because I am hyperfixing after watching Device Theory Part 3 (go watch it, its by mollystars on youtube, I dont care that the full series is 10 hours watch it now please its so GOOD) and I have decided to write down random thoughts.

1. Why does Kris specifically plug in the tv?? Like, assuming a pre-meditated making the chapter 3 dark world, the tv is gonna be there no matter what, why does it being plugged in matter?

2. wait beautiful day is mentioned twice so early on, looking out the window in Kris's room and Toriel says it in the car.

3. Why did Toriel say Asriel's name in all caps like that?

4. Still don't know what to make of every clock in this game being broken.

5. I remember hearing Jockington has the same talksprite multiple times in the files, and he has the thing about having one picture of a soccerball over and over. If he has some third thing that repeats like this then there's like, something up with that.

6. The options of "not yet" and "yes. Ask." Still seem odd, IDK what to make of them.

7. Thinking about something one of my partners said and I can't help but wonder if the guitar in Susie's music is the same as the one in the song that plays when you seal the fountains.

8. Now realizing both the scene's with Susie outside the classroom have semi-meta stuff. Chapter 1 has the allusion to Asriel and Chara dying in Undertale, and Chapter 2 has the references to the wait between chapters.

9. I swear if you hit enter fast enough at the how's that sound choicer there's like, a frame of a new textbox.

10. Whatever happened to Kris at the bunker is like, gossip around town. I wonder if that's what Susie is referencing in the "Guess you have experiencing running away" line.

11. I wonder if we'll ever get to hear more of that ocean noise.

12. I wonder it at some point in the game perserving Kris's save will have an effect.

13. There's no way we don't come back to the cliffs at some point.

14. The like, green funky gaster narrated title screen calls copying files a division. That implies something is being spread evenly between the files. What could that be?

15. I wonder if the glowshard will do more than just be an investment.

16. Seriously what the fuck is up with this closet.

17. Could those monoliths in the background be chalk? Erasers? What the hell are those?

18. How did Lancer get up there?

19. The monoliths in the background before the jump down to town seem to have an intentional shape to them.

20. Why does Kris keep looking at the screen after cutscenes.

21. I wonder if Castle Town will get even more buildings later, and what implications an Inn might have. Dark Worlds are compared to dreams so often, what if you sleep in one?

22. Why does Ralsei with hood on have a talksprite? Is that gonna come up again later?

23. Ralsei has fur and two layers on, does he not get warm? Do Darkners not have to deal with temperature based discomfort?

24. I find the distinction between EARTH and WORLD to be interesting. All the weird all caps words in the prophecy really.

25. Why does prophecy drawing Ralsei have the cloak like that? Is that why the talksprite exists? Will Ralsei put the cloak back on to be like "I gotta, its for the prophecy."

26. I wonder, since the soul seems to leave Kris during fights, at some point will they use an enemy attack to go do something? Will they ask like, Ralsei or someone to do a long attack so they can go off to do something?

27. Odd how i-frames carry over between attacks.

28. Why did Kris look at the camera for a single frame.

29. Why does the exit used in castle town in chapter 2 not exist in chapter 1?

30. Still wonder why Ralsei looks at the camera like that before closing the door.

31. I always forget about getting candy from the other trees.

32. Wait in one of the x-flatter things Ralsei mentions EXP, which like, that does not normally come up in this game? Like at all? Now that I think about it, is there even any way to earn EXP?

33. Did Susie crack the door or was it just like that?

34. I know its nothing, but Ralsei using the word proceede feels so fucking ominous

35. You can get close enough to C. Round that it does the "!" but you don't encounter the creachure. It stops dancing and just kinda sits there. Amusing.

[blackwolfstabs]

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 20

INTRUDER

It's a peaceful evening, and then an unwanted visitor shows up.

Based on true events...

Tara’s gaze couldn’t deviate from the television screen, having been sitting in front of it for nearly 2 hours. Finally done with her homework and not having the responsibility to make dinner, it was the perfect time to relax and kill some time binge watching shows she had been meaning to keep up with.

It was actually pretty quiet in the Meeks-Martins’ apartment with Mindy making dinner and Chad in his room playing Xbox. He was now going on his 3rd hour of gaming, which was typical, but Tara couldn’t stand to watch him play the same mission over and over again for more than an hour. Sam was in Mindy’s room, helping her with a project while the owner went in and out to keep an eye on the stove.

So, that left the youngest member of the Core Four to have the sofa and TV all to herself, which she would argue she deserved. Nothing could take her attention away from her show.

Until it happened.

Movement caught the corner of her eye. Small movement that was a black blur. She glanced to the left of the screen. And then she saw it…

There was an intruder in the apartment. Her eyes went wide, her heart started pounding, and she pulled her feet away from the coffee table, where she had them perched and crossed at the ankles, to keep everything close to her body. 

“Mindy, there’s a fucking roach!”

From the kitchen, Mindy turned around, looking just as freaked out as the one who had called her, “Where?” She leaned over to catch a view of the living room, not daring to go near it until she knew where the demon was lurking.

“On the wall,” the other answered, backing herself up into the corner. 

“Holy shit!” Mindy stared at the insect crawling up the wall. 

“Kill it!” Tara yelled.

“With what?!”

“I don’t know, do you guys not have Zevo?!” She leapt over the back of the couch and went towards the kitchen.

Meeks-Martin gave her a swift glare, careful not to let the roach out of her sight, “Do you think, if we did, I’d be asking you what to do, Tara?!” She looked around for something to use as a weapon.

“Here,” Tara held out a dish towel.

She took it, but shrugged, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?!”

“I saw a hack! Put it in water, then slap it on top of him,” was the answer, “It’ll stun him until we get something to smash him!”

Her partner immediately spun around and doused the washcloth underneath the faucet, while she kept an eye on the roach. She cringed just by looking at it—that spawn of the Devil. Those things shouldn’t be permitted to walk the planet. Its long antennas quivered, and its spidery legs stroked the wall as it crawled up higher. Tara let out a small squeal of disgust. “Mindy, hurry!”

Mindy came back with the saturated weapon. “I got it, I got it.” She was hesitant as she slowly moved towards the wall, slightly ducked as if she was afraid it would fly at her—which it might, God help them all… “Fuck!”

“What?!” Tara gasped.

“I don’t wanna get near it!”

“Just be quick and then run! 3… 2… 1… Throw it!”

There was a split moment of tense silence as the older female hurled the cloth towards her target. A hard smack, an anticipated yelp, and then…

A scream.

Well, two screams actually as the cockroach spread its wings and flew straight towards its attacker. No coherent words came from Mindy, but Tara was fleeing in the opposite direction, yowling, “No! No! Fuck no!” 

She met the other side of the room and spun around, panting. “Fuck that…” 

Mindy broke towards the front door, before spinning around to find their enemy sneaking along the wooden flooring, making its way towards the kitchen. She glanced up to where Tara was, then found their next weapon of choice. “Tara, grab the broom! Come around behind him and whack him,” she ordered, her eyes jumping back and forth.

The young Carpenter obeyed and clutched the broom like it was her lifeline. She took the longest route around the insect, tiptoeing like it was going to make her safer. “Holy shit,” she whimpered, eyeing it as if a new Ghostface had spawned in the apartment. 

“Just go! We’re gonna lose him!” Mindy was tempted to shove her forward, because she was wasting time.

Then, she let out a war cry and started smacking the floor with the broom, nearly dropping it as she did so, because she was way off target.

The cockroach bolted. 

“Chase it! Don’t lose it!”

Tara followed, throwing the broom down as hard as she could. “It won’t die!” she screamed, chasing it towards the wall’s floor trim. There was a loud snap, and all that was left in her hands was a long wooden pole. When she looked down, the roach skittered onto the head of the broom, starting to come towards her. She shrieked and ran, abandoning the rest to run behind Mindy.

“You broke it!” Mindy criticized, but she didn’t sound as angry as she should’ve been.

“I tried!” was the retort.

A shadow then came out from the hallway, and just by the footsteps, the pair knew who it was.

“Sam! Can you come kill this roach?!” Mindy asked but was overlapped by Tara’s barks.

“There’s a roach right there, Sam!”

And as if triggered by all of the commotion, the bug broke away from the broom’s bristles and flew around the apartment, making the two girls cowering in the corner start screaming.

“What is going—” Sam was cut off by the fluttering of large wings and a red-brown blur buzzing in front of her face. The alarmed instinct in her made her scream with the other two, and she ducked from having it land on her. She bolted for the safety of the living room and turned around once the coast was clear.

“We told you!” her little sister stared at her with wide eyes. Meanwhile, Mindy explained their strategies.

“I tried to throw a wet cloth at it, because Tara said it would stick, but it didn’t—”

“It worked on the video!” Tara defended herself.

Sam caught on quick, “That was a paper towel!”

“And then she broke the broom, trying to smack the S.O.B.” Meeks-Martin finished.

Tara jumped back as their 2½ inch tormentor crawled back out from the hallway. It crawled right for Sam, who leapt clear.

“Step on it!” Mindy told her, for she was the only one out of the three with shoes on.

“I don’t want to feel the crunch!” she replied.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” the younger girls jinxed.

She gave them a glare. “You think if I was, I’d still be standing here?” She backed away. “Don’t let it out of your sight. I’m gonna go get something to kill it.”

At that moment, the first door on the left side of the hallway opened, and Chad peered out. He pulled his headphones off. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s a roach!” Tara was going to be the first to answer that question to anyone who asked.

The other blinked between her and his sister, processing for a moment. He knew both of them were deathly afraid of roaches, and he knew Sam was on the fence. Sometimes she was and sometimes she wasn’t, it just depended on her mood. But they weren’t in any real danger so… He shrugged. “Y’all can handle it.” He put his headphones back on and went back to his Xbox.

“You jerk!” his girlfriend shouted, while his sister tailed her.

“You’re such a fuck-stick!”

Sam ran back into the living area, but when she did so, the vibration had the roach scurrying towards Mindy and Tara. Tara screeched and made a leap of faith past it to flee down the hall, sliding into Mindy’s room with her socks. Mindy dove in the other direction, having to climb over the chair keeping her from the hallway to follow her younger partner. The two slammed the door shut, leaving Sam to fend for herself.

Carpenter ripped the throw from the bed and skidded to cram it in the space beneath the door. “We gotta make sure it’s tight, ‘cause they can flatten themselves,” she explained, rushing to seal all openings.

“Oh, shit, we left Sam out there,” Mindy hissed next to her.

“She’ll be fine.”

“But what if she loses it? And then we’re screwed?”

“Good luck sleeping here tonight.”

“Fuck…”

Beyond the barricaded walls, a lot of thumping, smacking, and cursing came from Samantha. The two girls stayed on top of Mindy’s bed, not taking any chances being on the floor. It was a quick kill—much quicker than if it had just been the two of them racing around the apartment—but even when everything fell silent, they didn’t dare move.

Footsteps approached the hall and stopped by Chad’s door, which was thrown open. 

“Chad!”

He must’ve taken off his headset, because Sam’s voice lowered.

“Can you come pick the roach up? I don’t mind killing it, but I’ll gag if I pick it up.”

“Yeah. I got you.”

“Thanks.”

The two’s voices grew louder, before fading back into the living room.

“Shit…” Chad must’ve said due to the mess that was made up of the area. “You made this whole mess over a little roach?”

There was a flame of irritation in the older female’s tone as she replied, “No, I made it because you wouldn’t get off the damn Xbox to help me.”

“You had your sister and Mindy.”

“Who are completely useless when it comes to roaches!”

From her place on the bed, Mindy scooted closer to the edge. “Do you think it’s safe? She said she killed it.”

But Tara didn’t move as she shook her head, “No, I’m not leaving until someone comes and gets us. Those things never die. I’m not taking any chances.”

Another brief moment of quiet was promising, but then they heard Sam yelp, which made the youngest straighten.

“Told you!”

“Chad!”

Before they could even understand the context of the way his name was said, footsteps rushed up to the door, and it was pushed open by him, who could maneuver the resistance of the stuffed blanket easily. He had his hands cupped over each other and held them out towards the two sheltering-in-place. “I got it! I got the roach!” he crowed, then threw his hands out to have what he held come hurtling in their direction.

Both of them shrieked, Mindy ducking to dive off of the bed, while Tara backed up and started kicking as if it was going to crawl on her immediately.

But then Chad exploded into laughter, clapping as he watched the pair try to figure out what just happened. “I got y’all good!”

Mindy overviewed the disheveled bedding—thanks to Tara’s kicking—and found the orange wrapping of a Reese’s peanut butter cup. “Goddammit…” she sighed, half-out-breath and half-relieved. Then, she snatched it and threw it at him as hard as she could. “You fucking asshole!”

Her brother didn’t care that it hit him and continued laughing. “Yo-hou should’ve seen your fa-ha-haces!” he cackled.

“Get the fuck out of here!” Tara then barked, just as angry as Mindy. He must’ve done the same thing to Sam, and that’s why she had yelped right before he came in. What a turd.

“Chad, leave them alone!” her older sister yelled from the kitchen.

Chad left the room, but his laughter carried down the hall and back into his own room.

Mindy went over to the open door and pulled her blanket off of the floor to throw it back on her bed. “I think the coast is clear now, Tara…” She began resituating some of the materials for her project that had gotten messed up amidst the escape from Chad’s prank.

Tara huffed as she slid off the mattress and stormed towards the entrance. She leaned down enough to rip the abandoned Reese’s from the floor, curling it in her fist as she stalked to her boyfriend’s room. She opened the door to sling it at him, successfully smacking him in the face. 

She shut the door, without saying a word.

lmfaoooo it wasn't a bad "based off of true events..."

the true parts to this were: the roach (obviously), breaking a broom trying to kill it, having the only unafraid man in the house seeing us truly scared and saying "y'all can handle it" before going back to his Xbox, sheltering in place, and having a Reese's thrown at us thinking it was actually the killed roach. i'll never forget this memory.

All my best! ♡ - parker

[yinnyguardian]

Anyone Want A Free Ivara Prime Neuroptics Blueprint? TwT

Giving away a free Ivara Prime Neuroptics Blueprint to anyone who needs it after I felt too bad to turn down an extra <3 (FCFS)

(Well as free as Warframe allows. You will have to trade at the very least a throwaway trash item/mod due to Warframe not allowing completely free trades)

Ok so a little story behind as to why I'm giving it away IF YOU WANT! It's a long read with a very small very vague spoiler nearer to the top and I overdramatized the fuck outta this to make it fun to read LMAOOO

If you want the over dramatized context, click "Keep Reading" >:3

It was yesterday, specifically sometime between 12-2 AM. I got onto Warframe, ready to play a bit before getting settled for bed... However... A Mistake was made.

Simaris popped up. The daily stuff restarts around 8-9 PM for me. He's offering his Tenno Slav- I mean Hunter a reward. An offering of three choices. Two different types of Rescource Boosters and whatever the fuck the last one was (I wasn't paying attention).

I had my eyes on the prize and totally forgot I wouldn't even be able to use them fully since I'm doing this before going to bed in like an hour or less. I was basically biding time for my sleep pills to set in. But that didn't stop me.

Instead of closing the game to pick the next day... I foolishly took the Rescource Booster that gives you extra resources upon pick-up! Worse still, it didn't even dawn on me the mistake I had made as my attention fled to the yellow marker. The Kinepage had updated.

I rushed over, ready to see what it said. And after reading it I smiled to myself, happy to have experienced such an update, as small as it was.

However that happiness didn't last as I finally remembered and realized my mistake when my eyes darted to the bottom of my screen... To the clock.

I gasped and rushed to the Navigation, quickly opening the first mission I could think of! An Alert. Maroo had another hunt for me. I quickly took her mission, ready to get that Ayatan Treasure and some Argon Crystals I had been waiting on a Resource Booster for... Not realizing it would end in disaster!

I typically only ever get 1 or 2 Argon Crystal spawn ins per round. So I was expecting 4 Argon Crystals at most! How foolish I was. I looked in abject horror once the mission was complete. 10. 10 Argon Crystals.

I rush over to the Foundry, praying I would have enough blueprints! Alas it was in vain. By the end I still had 6 Argon Crystals. But it was going on 2:30 AM and I was tired. Sleep had found it's way to me. Knowing that I had by 12 AM the next night, I went to sleep and prayed I'd be able to get the blueprints the next day.

Today came and I quickly hopped on Warframe while pulling up the list of Blueprint needed for such a task. I decided to focus on Relics. AKA Prime Frames and/or Weapons. Specifically any of the common variant that I didn't already own... But my supply was thin and time was ticking.

By the way one of the relic packs I was opening...? Yeah the reward I wanted was a common. I opened 4 of them. Didn't get the specific reward I want. You wanna know what I did get? I got the uncommon. How the fuck did I get an uncommon before the common? It's like the game knows like "Oh hey you want this? This should be easy-to-get reward? Yeah? Too bad you don't get it >:)" LMAOOO

Cough

Anyway.

As I watch my relics deplete that had those specific blueprints with only one success, leaving me with 4 Crystals left, I felt hopeless... That was until... I noticed my plat and remembered... Yes... Yes the Warframe Market! That would be my saving grace upon such a troubling time!

I rush over to the Market Website and scanned prices of the blueprint! First one went by quickly! Baruuk Prime systems! Only two more Argon Crystals left.

Next one I set my sights on was the Ivara Prime Neuroptics. I sent a message and after about 5-10 minutes with still no response, I decided to throw out another hook. This time a fish caught it. I smile widely as the second person gets back to me. They took me to the dojo, we did the trade, and I finally could rest knowing my Argon Crystals would not fall into waste... Or so I thought.

However... As I enter an easy capture mission on earth, a throwaway mission for my sights had set on Nora Nightwave's Complete 15 Mission quest... I got a message. The first person had been AFK. Which was fine! I constantly find myself distracted and/or AFK and accidentally leave any potential buyers to wait on complete accident. However they ask the question... Do I still need the neuroptics. I didn't...

So naturally I said yes I do!

Now this might sound stupid, however I felt bad. If I had just waited yet another 10 minutes this poor person could have gotten plat instead. And again, I quite know the feeling of accidentally making a buyer wait for a response only to be too late. You tend to feel awful.

As I rush through the mission so they can give me an invite to their glorious dojo, they kept being super sweet and kind. As the trade commenced, I paid and looked upon the familiar neuroptics, still no clue with what I'll do with such a thing.

Obviously I couldn't resell it even if I did do it for cheaper than original price. That would be wrong. But as I sat and wondered, clicking accept and finalizing the deal... I realized what I must do!

I said my thank you's and farewells to the individual before coming here and any other possible places I might post (Idk where else for now).

So I offer to anyone who wants it who doesn't already have Ivara Prime Neuroptics... The blueprint. Completely free You, unfortunately due to how the trading system in the dojo works, will have to offer something in the trading place but it can just be a throwaway junk mod (Like Revenge, Ammo Drum, Pressure Point... Just something that you can get really easily and don't use/need much). I apologize for this inconvenience TwT

[qjackmanifold]

hi allow me to be autistic about a particular music choice quackity keeps making . its very tinfoil hat but hear me out

Quackity keeps using the same Silent Hill 2 soundtrack in his QSMP streams -- it's called "Noone Love You" and he uses it a lot. Now as a preface I know that the likely explaination is that its a good track that Q likes and therefore uses on his streams a lot. however:

In two of the three instances I've seen it pop up (because I. watch less quackity streams than i'd like to admit), it's looped constantly. Once in the stream where he went to the dice room - after starting the stream off with one song, he stopped it, and some point changed to Noone Love You, playing it until the stream ended. The second was in his stream yesterday inflitrating the Federation presentation as Fred. This one sticks out more because prior, because beforehand he was playing a whole playlist of other songs, but he deliberately switches to play Noone Love You, which then loops for half an hour.

It just feels like there's a pattern?

The earliest instance of it was right at the beginning during a Mr. ▮▮▮▮▮▮ cutscene, when he was warning them to not destroy the wall (or telling them off for doing so?).

The only other use of Silent Hill's sountrack on the server was in the invite server -- if you look at Phil's VOD, for example, you can hear "Never Forgive Me, Never Forget Me" from Silent Hill 3 looping in the background. Though, this is... a little less significant, I feel? NFM² is a very popular soundtrack which gets used in memes a lot as well as just about. I heard it in a Cellbit clip before. Though to be fair it is likely that Cellbit is at least partially aware of Silent Hill because he's a Horrors kinda guy, and that circle thing with Paranormal Order(??) he has going on does remind me of the Halo of the Sun sooooooooo like idk

In reference to the track itself -- while it is, of course, totally likely that Quackity just really likes it, Noone Love You has traits that other, similar tracks from the OST don't have.

First, Noone Love You is the only officially released Silent Hill 2 track that does not play in the game or its only DLC.

A distinctly different variation of it does play in the DLC, however, but it never got an official release. A third distinct version of it also plays in Silent Hill 3's save screen, which also never got an official release.

And like, outside of favouritism, it seems odd that he'd continually choose this one given that there's so many others in the same soundtrack list that sound similar. Like, Noone Love You is 1:32 long. Looping that 30 times per stream for the Vibes is so odd to me.

IDK pattern seeking brain + Silent Hill autism. I'm reaching lmao

[depressedhouseplant]

🔞 Cops & Robbers (Bbangju) 🔞

Chapter 2

WC: 2600

Tags: Graphic depiction of injury, “Off screen” murder, No smut, I’m sorry Chanhee stans

A/N: Literally one person requested to see what came next so here you go @minsflannelwrap148

“Where have you been? I resorted to calling you after you didn’t answer my texts. You know how I feel about talking on the phone,” Chanhee demanded when Younghoon walked into the office the next morning. Younghoon checked his phone. It was still on silent.

“Oh, I had it on silent and forgot to turn it off,” Younghoon replied, seeing 12 texts and 2 missed calls. It wasn’t a total lie. He had it on silent at work, but kept it that way when he got to the club.

“I’m gonna set a timer on it or something. Anyway, here’s the file you asked for,” Chanhee handed him an envelope.

“Thanks,” Younghoon opened it and pulled out the pictures. They were of Juyeon out with two of his men. Younghoon already knew there wouldn’t be anything useful. Juyeon knew they were following him and was too smart to do anything illegal when he knew they were around.

“Not what you were hoping for?” Chanhee asked.

“Exactly what I expected. We should probably call off the surveillance. At this point we’re just wasting time and money,” Younghoon sighed, putting the photos back in the envelope.

“How do you expect to catch him then?” his assistant raised an eyebrow.

“At this point? He’ll only get caught if he wants to be caught,” Younghoon shrugged. Chanhee studied him for a moment. “What?”

“What’s that on your neck?” he pointed. Younghoon opened his phone’s back camera. There was a hickey about the size of a quarter on the left side of his neck. He’d been in such a hurry to put on clean clothes and not be too late to work that he hadn’t looked that hard in the mirror.

“Shit,” he huffed.

“Did you get laid last night? And that’s why you had your phone off?” Chanhee stared.

“Okay, yes. I met someone after work and we hooked up,” it wasn’t a lie even though it felt like one. He had met Juyeon after hours. He should’ve told him no marks. At the same time, he knew Juyeon wouldn’t have listened.

“Tell me everything,” Chanhee sat in the chair next to Younghoon’s desk and propped his chin on his hand.

“Absolutely not. My sex life is none of your business,” Younghoon screeched.

“Why? Was he ugly? Was his stroke game terrible?” Chanhee questioned.

“What? No, he was not ugly and his ‘stroke game’,” Younghoon used air quotes “was fine.”

“Just fine? Are your standards that low?” the blonde gave him a judgy look. Sleeping with Juyeon was not one of his better life choices, but the other man was handsome, intelligent, and witty. Under any other circumstance, he was the ideal.

“You’ve worked here too long. You’re interrogating me,” Younghoon huffed.

“One day I’ll get you to tell me everything,” Chanhee grinned and went back to his desk. Younghoon snorted. He had no intention of ever telling anyone what happened. Then his phone beeped with a text.

Juyeon: Missed you this morning. Here’s the list of names I have.

[Attachment]

Younghoon: Thanks

Juyeon: Not gonna say you missed me too?

Younghoon: No

There was a long pause.

Juyeon: You will 😘

Younghoon: Someone in your position shouldn’t be using kissy face emojis

Juyeon: 😘😘😘

Younghoon: I hate you

Juyeon: I hate you too. Now run down those names. I’ve got crime to commit

Younghoon rolled his eyes. Of course Juyeon would figure out a way to flirt while getting Younghoon to do what amounted to a personal favor. Younghoon opened up the attachment and started entering the names into the database.

“You ready to go?” Chanhee’s voice jerked Younghoon back to the present.

“Huh?” he looked away from his screen.

“It’s 5:30 and you owe me dinner,” Chanhee pointed to his watch.

“Since when do I owe you dinner?” Younghoon rubbed his eyes.

“Since I bought lunch yesterday or did the dicking you got last night cause amnesia?” his assistant teased.

“Shut up,” Younghoon swatted at him. The petite blond laughed. “I’ll meet you outside.”

“No, I am waiting right here so you don’t ditch me,” Chanhee crossed his arms.

“Fine,” Younghoon rolled his eyes. He saved all the information he’d found and shut off his computer. He could give Juyeon the information tomorrow. Not that he’d found much. He’d text him when he got home with the update. “Ready.”

“Excellent. I want pizza,” Chanhee said as they walked to the elevator.

“You always want pizza,” Younghoon shook his head as he hit the button. Everyone else had left for the day. Their office was where all the 9-5 types worked. Which is why the elevator coming from an upper floor was a red flag.

“Who went upstairs?” Chanhee asked when he saw the numbers going down instead of up.

“Maybe the cleaning crew started on the top floor today?” Younghoon suggested.

“They use the service elevators,” Chanhee replied. Younghoon’s gut was telling him something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

“We’re taking the stairs,” Younghoon grabbed Chanhee’s arm and pulled him toward the stairwell. He closed the door right as the elevator opened.

“What are you doing?” Chanhee hissed.

“Run,” Younghoon hissed back.

“What? Why?”

Then the stairwell door opened to reveal two men in ski masks with guns strapped to their hips.

“That’s why,” Younghoon said. Chanhee was frozen in place. Younghoon almost pulled him down the stairs as they started running. They made it to the ground floor only for Younghoon to slam into a very solid body. Chanhee crashed into Younghoon pushing the man backwards.

“Got ‘em,” he said into a headset. The other two men came out of the stairwell seconds later, guns drawn. Younghoon put Chanhee behind him and held up his hands.

“Whatever you want, he has nothing to do with it,” Younghoon said.

“You don’t know that,” the biggest one replied.

“If this is about the search I ran today, then he doesn’t know anything. You can take me, but let him go,” Younghoon explained.

“It’s about more than just a simple search,” one of the two with the guns said.

“Whatever it is, leave him out of it,” Younghoon stood his ground.

“Then what? He runs to tell your bosses? I don’t think so,” the biggest one snorted.

“I won’t do that. I swear,” Chanhee said. Younghoon could feel him shaking.

“Sorry, can’t trust a cop,” the third one said.

“He’s not a cop. I am,” Younghoon corrected. He’d slowly started backing them toward the door. One of them realized what Younghoon was doing and stepped behind them. Now they were surrounded with two guns pointing at them and a guy who was easily 50% bigger than Younghoon.

“I’m done talking,” one of the gunmen said, taking the butt of his gun and hitting Chanhee with it.

“Stop it! I said let him go!” Younghoon crouched down on the floor covering Chanhee. His forehead was bleeding from the blow.

“No,” the biggest one hauled Younghoon up and wrapped his arm around his neck. The last thing he saw before he passed out was two guns pointed at Chanhee’s head.

It was almost 1am when Juyeon heard the doorbell. All of his men had the door code and no one else knew where this house was. There was no reason someone should be at the door. He checked the security camera. He’d know that body anywhere.

“Younghoon?” Juyeon stared at the battered man on his doorstep.

“I didn’t know where else to go,” he gasped then fell forward. Juyeon barely caught him.

“Okay, okay, I’ve got you,” he soothed as he helped Younghoon over to the couch. “Let me see.”

“They killed him. They killed Chanhee,” Younghoon couldn’t catch his breath. He was clutching his right side. The side with the scar. Juyeon carefully moved Younghoon’s hand to reveal a blood stain on his shirt.

“Let me look at you and then you can tell me what happened. Okay?” Juyeon asked. Younghoon nodded. “This might sting a little.” The blood had glued the shirt to Younghoon’s skin. Juyeon had to tug a little to loosen it. Younghoon hissed.

“I know it hurts. I’ll be as fast as possible,” Juyeon told him. There was a large gash on his side like someone had sliced at the skin, but Younghoon moved at the last second. Bruises were blooming all over his torso. He had a black eye and possibly a broken nose. “Are you dizzy? Feeling nauseous?”

“No,” Younghoon whispered.

“Then you probably don’t have a concussion,” Juyeon noted. “Any pain in your side other than the cut?”

“Hard to breathe,” the other man told him.

“Shit,” Juyeon raked his hand through his hair.

“What?” Younghoon finally met his eyes.

“You could have a cracked rib. I’m gonna call Kevin. If nothing else he can stitch up your side,” Juyeon told him.

“Who?” Younghoon asked.

“My doctor,” Juyeon explained. Younghoon stared at him. “What? You think I go to the hospital when you beat the shit out of me?”

“I’ve never…” Younghoon began.

“I know, I know. You go easy on me,” Juyeon kissed Younghoon’s forehead. He grabbed the encrypted phone and texted the doctor. Even if Kevin was at work, which he shouldn’t be, Juyeon knew he’d drop everything. Juyeon made sure he paid better than any hospital ever would.

“He’s on his way,” Juyeon said.

“Chanhee. They killed him,” Younghoon’s eyes welled up. Juyeon remembered the pixie-esque blonde. He seemed very loyal to the other man, albeit a little snarky.

“Who’s they?” Juyeon asked.

“I don’t know for sure. I ran a search of the names you gave me. Eight hours later three of them took us,” Younghoon shook his head and winced immediately.

“Easy,” Juyeon reached up and cupped Younghoon’s cheek. His hand covered almost half of the other man’s face. The other gang had done this. Juyeon knew they were willing to resort to violence, but murdering an innocent bystander was worse than he’d thought. “It’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.”

“I’m here!” Kevin called.

“Living room!” Juyeon yelled back. Kevin stopped in his tracks when he walked in the room. It was then Juyeon realized he was kneeling in front of Younghoon with his hand on his cheek. Like he was someone Juyeon cared about.

“This is unexpected. I thought you needed me to patch up Hyunjae or Changmin,” he said.

“Surprise?” Juyeon ventured.

“Can you walk?” Kevin turned his attention to Younghoon.

“Yeah,” Younghoon wheezed.

“But you shouldn’t. You’ve lost a decent amount of blood and you’re having trouble breathing,” Juyeon cut in. He picked the other man up and held him like a sleepy toddler in their parent’s arms.

“Downstairs,” Kevin said. Juyeon didn’t miss the look the doctor gave him as he carried his supposed nemesis to the basement. Younghoon might have been Juyeon’s opposite, but he was also his mirror.

“Tired,” he mumbled. Younghoon rested his unbruised cheek on Juyeon’s shoulder.

“You can’t go to sleep quite yet. Doctor’s orders,” Kevin told him. Younghoon whimpered.

“Once you’re cleaned up and Kevin has stitched you up. Right Kev?” Juyeon told him.

“As long as he doesn’t have a concussion. Could be the blood loss. Let’s get the x-rays first,” the doctor instructed.

“You have an x-ray machine in your basement?” Younghoon questioned.

“A full medical setup. As I said, you think I go to the hospital after you’ve beaten my ass?” Juyeon teased.

“Guess not,” Younghoon yawned.

“Let’s get started,” Kevin commanded.

He ran a full battery of tests, cleaned and stitched Younghoon’s side, and set his nose.

“You didn’t break any ribs, but I suspect you tore the muscles in your chest wall. I’d have to confirm with a CT scan though. Unfortunately there’s not much that can be done for that other than pain medication and limiting activity. It’s gonna hurt to breathe for a while,” Kevin explained when he finished the exam. “Your nose should heal in a couple weeks since it wasn’t a full fracture. You can use arnica to fade the bruises faster.”

“Thank you,” Younghoon tried to smile.

“Of course. You’re gonna need to take it easy in general. No beating the shit out of each other. No fucking either,” he gave Juyeon a pointed look.

“What?” he tried to look offended.

“Don’t act all innocent. I know you,” Kevin said.

“We won’t,” Younghoon assured him. “Hurts to move.”

“I’ll give you some shots to take the edge off. You won’t be pain free though,” the doctor pulled some syringes out of a cabinet. Juyeon held Younghoon’s hand as Kevin administered the medication. He looked down and noticed bruises forming on the other man’s wrists. Juyeon knew those marks.

Handcuffs.

“What did they do to you?” he said under his breath.

“What?” Younghoon looked at him.

“Just talking to myself,” Juyeon smiled.

“All done. You’re free to sleep. Call me if you need anything else,” Kevin started putting things back in order.

“I’ll give you a little extra,” Juyeon said as he picked Younghoon up again.

“No need. The knowledge that you’re fucking your sworn enemy is a bonus in itself,” Kevin smirked.

“Fuck off,” Juyeon glared.

“Juyeon,” Younghoon tried to pinch him and failed.

“Taking you to bed now,” Juyeon carefully carried Younghoon to his bedroom. It took three times as long, but he didn’t want to aggravate any of his freshly repaired wounds.

“Let me get you some clean clothes,” Juyeon put Younghoon down and began checking his closet for something that might fit. “Hopefully your giant shoulders will fit in this.”

“Giant?” Younghoon smiled sleepily.

“Yes, giant. Who even has shoulders that big anyway?” Juyeon replied, dropping his head so Younghoon couldn’t see his smile. He helped Younghoon out of his bloody clothes and into a t-shirt and sweatpants. Juyeon resolved to burn the damaged clothes later. They might be evidence, but he didn’t care.

“You kissed me,” Younghoon looked over at Juyeon when he got in the bed.

“When?” Juyeon propped his head up on his hand.

“Before you called Kevin. You kissed my forehead,” Younghoon explained. “Why?”

“I’ve kissed you on the lips before, haven’t I?” Juyeon pointed out.

“I might be in horrible pain in spite of the amount of morphine in my system, but I know you’re dodging the question,” Younghoon said. The truth was Juyeon didn’t know why he did it. It felt like the right thing to do so he did it.

“Does it matter?” Juyeon questioned.

“It matters to me,” Younghoon told him.

“Would you accept that I don’t know why I did it?” Juyeon asked.

“If it’s the truth,” Younghoon held his hand out and Juyeon took it.

“It is,” he confirmed.

“For two people who supposedly hate each other, we’re not very good at it,” Younghoon observed.

“The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s apathy. I’ve always felt strongly about you. Maybe hate is simply resisting love,” Juyeon shrugged.

“Maybe it is,” Younghoon agreed. They stared at each other for a moment, Juyeon’s statement heavy in the air.

“I believe you wanted to sleep?” Juyeon broke the silence first.

“I do,” Younghoon confirmed.

“Then sleep. I’ll be here,” Juyeon kissed Younghoon’s temple. “I hate you.”

“I hate you too,” Younghoon grinned. “I’d kiss you back, but Kevin said to watch my nose.”

“The intention is there. I can pretend,” Juyeon smiled back.

“Goodnight Juyeon,” Younghoon whispered.

“Goodnight Younghoon,” Juyeon replied. Except Juyeon didn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep knowing someone had tortured Younghoon, murdered his friend, and he had no idea who it was.

“Not on my turf, fuckers,” he told the darkness. This was his city and no one was going to take it from him. No one.

[yuandgames]

I want to thank Larian.

Above all of the great things they’ve done for the industry, they still can surprise us, the very sophisticated players. And they do care.

And here’s what I mean by that. (Long post ahead).

Short introduction: I was introduced to classic role-play games pretty late. While everyone spent their youth playing DnD with friends, I came to this being almost 30. I didn’t even think of that before (and I know that’s just me, not blaming anyone).

The idea itself made (and still making) me so excited, like you are completely free in your decisions and the only thing that limits you is your own creativity. Whoa. What a concept.

I never actually played a full campaign irl. That’s when I found Larian games (again, very late, just a couple of years ago). Me and my partner were playing split screen co-op like crazy for 10 hours straight (good old times at home during pandemic). And I couldn’t be happier.

I wasn’t expecting Baldur’s Gate 3 as much as I expected other games (for example, I was more hyped about Hogwarts Legacy, counting days until the release, but that’s different story). I also never played BG and BG 2. So I was a complete tabula rasa.

And now we proceed to the main part.

1. CRPG is not a niche genre. Not anymore.

I’ve read Sven Winke interview where he said that in the beginning they were really concerned about ‘not making the game too geeky’ referring to dice rolls. Even at Larian they thought of this. But, hey, look at BG3 sales. And it’s been less than 3 months actually. This is what makes me think of other developers: now that they see that CRPG is a thing, maybe we, as players, happen to get more of this genre. Standards are high, but that’s exactly the point.

2. Creativity is the key.

You can build a wall between you and opponents using boxes. You can take small opponent and use. Them. As. A. Weapon.

I mean I am still to explore all of the possibilities but whoa! Really? This level of love to the source and treating it with so much respect is not the thing you meet really often. If anything is possible in, say, DnD campaign, anything is possible in BG3.

3. Everything is better with a pinch of humor.

I cried in joy when found a dead pig and Astarion was trying to cover it up. I screamed when Lae’zel aggressively asked to taste Tav’s lips and neck. I don’t know if I even need to list all of the things as they’re so many and they are so good.

4. Team is the only thing you need in adventure.

I may be too emotional (who’s perfect anyways) but I am already too attached to my team. I treat them as if they were real people (hey, they are!). All of the inner jokes, these rich personalities and unique reactions. Priceless. In any other game I’m not very much interested in side stories (I do my best, but never get upset about missed cutscene). While here, I’m fully immersed: how do I fix Karlach’s heart? How break Wyll’s contract? Weave in Gale’s chest??

I’ve already said A LOT. I just can’t stop.

Baldur’s Gate 3 is giving me experience I never knew I needed. And it’s not being bitten by a hot ass vampire (well, not in the first place). And I couldn’t be more excited and grateful for this.

[parcequecestnotreprojeeeet]

Hi, it’s me, Fanfic Anon #2. Everyone’s conversation this morning (my time - I’ll out my location a bit and slowly chip away at the mystery that is me ha ha) really brightened my day, so I wanted to give you all this as a thank you. Hope you all enjoy!

She felt her phone buzz: “Hi!” it read, a simple text from him. Lovingly rolling her eyes, she replied. “Hello, chéri. Make it to the stadium okay?”

“Yup!” His reply came almost immediately, along with a photo of the view from his seat.

“Excellent view! Although, I think mine is better.” she replied, followed by a photo of the large screen she had set up in the hall for her watch party tonight.

“What! Why?”

”Because I have close up camera angles. Let’s you see the action better, 😉”

“I thought you were going to say the company. 😞”

“Well I’m not the one who is sitting with a certain blonde Croatian …”

“I swear I haven’t done anything!”

“I know. I trust you not to embarrass yourself, or me, by doing something stupid.”

She saw an incoming call from him, and answered immediately.

“Chérie, I’d never -“ he started as soon as he saw she picked up the phone, desperate to reassure her, unable to read her intent via text.

“I meant a photo or a video of an inappropriate interaction, you idiot! I know you’d never,” she reassured.

“Okay. Good. Just as long as you know that you’re it for me, always and forever.”

“I know, mon cœur. Now go enjoy the game!”

“Miss you! Love you!” He hurriedly got in before hanging up.

“Love you too,” she texted, unable to reply herself before the call disconnected.

“I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay. But Emmanuel, do try and stay in the moment, please.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means don’t text me every 30 seconds!”

“But, but.”

“Goals? Yes. Penalties? Yes. You get bored at half time and want to chat? Absolutely. But I want to watch the game too and I can’t do that if you text me every 30 seconds.”

“Why?”

“Because you expect an immediate response!”

“Do not!”

She waited about a minute to prove her point, waiting for his follow up message to reply, which came at the five minute mark - “Chérie?”

“See.”

“Point taken.”

“Guests are starting to arrive here, so I need to let you go for the moment.”

“Keep your phone on you!”

“It always is when you’re away. ❤️”

“I just want you here.”

“Chéri, you know that wasn’t really feasible this time. You have to be in Brussels tomorrow morning.”

“Ugh. Don’t remind me.”

“It’s not going to be *that* bad.”

“It’s another 12+ hours without you 😢”

“You’ll be home soon enough. And I’ll be waiting. 🥰 But I really have to go!”

“Say ‘hi’ to everyone for me!”

“Say ‘hi’ to Kolinda for me. 😏”

“Hey!”

“Have fun! 😘”

Helloooo fanfic Anon #2! ❤️

Oh I feel you! The tones of asks freaking out about Kolinda made me laugh so much hahahaha and it was also super adorable, sharing moments with you guys like that 🤧🥰

I love how you pictured Manu texting Brigitte every 30 seconds 😂 I mean, I can see that easily happening in reality too 🤭😂

And her teasing him about Kolinda 😂

Thank you so much, fanfic Anon #2! ❤️❤️❤️

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 2000 I’m listening to the Titanic soundtrack as I type. So far, except for one song, it’s not all that great. It’s too classical for me. I also got a Madonna album that I had on tape that I wanted on CD and a Heart CD. This one is of them in concert and it’s pretty good.

I got up earlier today at 1:00. That’s because I fell asleep earlier last night. Was up till 5:00 instead of 7:00.

The latest battle to get the Bowflex is that they had to verify the number we gave them (what the fuck took them so long?). They say that’s the last step, but we’ll see. They claim they’re gonna ship it Monday, which means we should have it by Friday, but you know that they’ll have to call first to be led by the hand to the house cuz they’ll be too stupid to read a map and find it for themselves. Either that, or they’ll get it here OK, but the thing will be damaged or missing a part. Or maybe both of these things will happen. All I know is that it ain’t over yet. Since we can never just have something and pay for it with money, I know there’s more shit to go through to get the damn thing. Verifying a number doesn’t seem like it’d be enough in God’s eyes.

I guess we’re gearing up for a storm. It’s windy and cloudy out there, but I don’t know how much rainfall we’ll actually get. Probably not much. You usually don’t get much out here till the monsoons hit.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29, 2000 I was going to write this during bingo intermissions, but sometimes I don’t want to be interrupted every two minutes and I just want to write straight through.

They let me sleep till 2:30 today, so maybe I can flip my schedule.

It’s so beautiful out right now, but still too warm to shut off the AC and open the windows. I wish we had a screened-in porch or even just a deck out front.

The fight for the Bowflex has officially begun. Tom called them today. They do ship UPS (and it should’ve gotten here by now) and we know they deliver out here because we’ve seen their trucks pass by, but they couldn’t check on our order because their computers were down. Yeah, I’m not the least bit surprised. With our shit luck, they’ll claim they never had an order for us when they finally do get their computers up and running.

TUESDAY, MARCH 28, 2000 Surprisingly, I got up at 11:30, even though I didn’t crash till around 5:30. I thought I’d sleep till 1:00 or 2:00, but I guess not.

The pinkies should be here by the 3rd, so about five more days to go.

Later…

Shit! They just now started up with their booming. There goes any hopes I had of flipping my schedule over and giving myself a break from the Melatonin. Not if I want to get woken up a few or more times a day. I’m just surprised they didn’t start at 9:30 and wake me up then. I knew they wouldn’t take a few months off like they did when we first bought the land and were in the trailer. Now that we’re here, they’ll never take that long off again.

Later…

Guess I was more tired than I thought. I ended up taking a three-hour nap.

I’m not as excited as I was before about the bingo games. They’re just too fixed and the odds of winning are about the same as the odds of winning millions in the state lottery. They don’t play till someone wins, either.

MONDAY, MARCH 27, 2000 I am in such a great mood! Today was just great!

First, the traffic wasn’t the nightmare it was the last time, second, the hygienist was sick, third, we saw Mom, and lastly, I found a wonderful slot machine game online to play, too. You build up tokens to turn into money. They even have real casinos online where you play with money for money.

When we got to the dentist, Trisha told me she tried to call me, and we asked her what number she had. She looked on her computer and read me the wrong number, but somebody’s got it somewhere, or else Melanie wouldn’t have called me before. Anyway, neither of us could remember the regular line’s number, so we gave her the cell number.

The doctor didn’t need to readjust my retainers, but he gave me more fluoride toothpaste at my request, and I don’t go back till June 20th.

At Mom’s, I played a little solitaire on Mary’s computer and Evelyn was baking pumpkin pie. She gave me some and said I looked like I lost a little weight and looked good. Well, these online games sure are a good way to keep my mind off of food!

We put special hinges on Mom’s bathroom door to make the door even with the wall so her walker can fit through it.

I’m writing in between games, and I love how a box pops up to tell me when the game’s started so I don’t have to keep checking.

I loved Mary’s wildflowers that she has at the side of her house. I was always hesitant about getting flowers cuz of the bees, but we’ve got enough bees as it is, so why not add a little color to the property, I said? So when we can, I want to get some flower seeds.

I don’t envy Mary for the neighbors she’s got across the street two houses or so down. They were white, and as far as I know, they are owners, but even so - there were a ton of kids and adults out playing basketball and screaming up a storm! I’d be miserable next to them. Those houses are about as old as our old one was and also have single-paned windows. At least Mary doesn’t have windows on the bedroom side of the house like ours did.

It was sooooo nice to not have to go back to that house and those Mexicans! Or blacks for that matter. Instead, I got to return to a quiet, beautiful new house!

We stopped at Circle K on the way home and again, my vibes about Jennifer being gone were reinforced by her not being there.

SUNDAY, MARCH 26, 2000 I am having sooo much fun today! Tom showed me how you can play bingo online for money. I haven’t won, naturally, but it’s fun anyway. Some games are for a few bucks, some for thousands. The only part of it that’s a bore is that they make you wait a couple of minutes or so in between games while they run their stupid commercials. I’m waiting for a game to start right now.

True to form, Paula did call this weekend, but only once. Early yesterday morning.

Also, Dan just couldn’t resist the urge to do a little engine-gunning earlier, but fortunately, it didn’t last too long.

I told Tom I wouldn’t be in the mood for sex this weekend, cuz I was bummed about Velvet’s dying. Not too bummed, though, cuz like I said, I love guinea pigs and they sound really neat, but they don’t do anything.

Back again. Got 2 minutes and 37 seconds before the next game starts. As I was saying, GPs just don’t do anything. They don’t have colorful tubes to run through, no wheels to run on, and they don’t run around and explore.

Butter Rum is definitely pregnant, and I think Oreo is, too. Butter Rum’s further along.

I made poor Tom move the den chair into the living room, but it looked stupid there, so the poor guy hauled it back into the den. Yes, having the chair out of the den really does open that room up and make it look bigger, but I like the chair in there better, cuz where I had it, separated that room from the kitchen. Without it there, the den and kitchen sort of blended in with each other.

Later…

Tomorrow’s my appointment to have my teeth cleaned, as well as to have the retainers adjusted, although this time around, they’re still fitting pretty snugly. Anyway, I am not looking forward to this appointment! I know I’m gonna have a ton of cavities!

It’s been two or three weeks now since there’s been peace up in the sky, and God do I pray for just one more week! I need to flip my schedule once and for all to reset it, and I need to take a break from the Melatonin. I’m becoming immune to it and it’s just not working like it used to. Tonight, so I can get to sleep sooner than 4:00 or 5:00, I’ll take a Benadryl. That should work. It’s just that I don’t want to risk staying up till 5:00, then being boomed awake at 9:30, if they’re gonna be flying again, on the day I have a long appointment. After the appointment, we’ll probably swing by to see Mom, who’s just a few minutes away.

FRIDAY, MARCH 24, 2000 Last night I told Tom about the critter I saw and he said it wasn’t a gopher, which is ugly. He said it’s a kangaroo rat, a desert animal I’ve never heard of before, and he showed me a picture of it online. They need almost no water to survive and basically live off of seeds.

Today, we went out and I showed him the hole where she lives and saw that she’d eaten the food I left her. I sprinkled some more of the animal’s food out for her, then we went back into the house. A few minutes later, we saw her running around. She almost came right up to the house. She came as close as the wash and Tom took a picture. It’s very hard to see any detail, but it’s the best picture yet. She’s a cutie, but not as cute as a regular rat. She doesn’t have the pointy nose that rats and mice have. Her head is a lot like a squirrel’s. She’s got a blunt nose like a squirrel and a guinea pig, and the tail isn’t like a rat’s. Rat’s tails are snake-like, but her tail is broad and flat. Tom said he isn’t sure, but it could be a type of groundhog, although definitely not a gopher. Even so, I’m still calling her Gophie.

This weekend I’m just gonna go ahead and talk to Paula when she calls, and she will call. The message I left her about calling on the 1st of every month is no doubt going to go in one ear and out the other. I left her a message last week, in case I forgot to say so, telling her we were getting a long-distance block put on so she won’t keep pestering me with her “call me” messages. I dropped hints, reminding her not to lose her phone and spend too much money if she’s expecting a pay cut, but we’ll see. I think she’s just gonna keep on ringing up her bill till she loses the phone. I’m amazed at how long it takes her to lose her phone each time around, though, cuz I know I’m not the only one she calls that’s long-distance, and if she’s really looking at only getting $600 a month, then she’ll have no choice but to cut her calls back. God tends to pamper these kinds of people, though. Meaning, I highly doubt, if she really gets cut back that much, that she’ll supplement herself by working. She’ll just have welfare make up the difference, and they’ll be glad to do it, too. As soon as they see someone with a kid come in there, they’re ready to hand out the world to them.

Later…

Still no sign of my outdoor friend. The food’s still out there, too. Maybe she really doesn’t live in the hole I thought she lived in. Anyway, rodents are more active at night. That’s when the food will get eaten, I’m sure.

In my final letter to Dureen and Art, I told them Mom moved in with a cousin cuz her daughter’s having health problems, and that I’d instructed all my relatives out here not to give them any info if they called. What I’m curious to see, though, is if Dureen will have the nerve to knowingly go against my wishes, just like she loves to do, and still send Mom a Christmas card to Mary’s house. See, I know she couldn't care less about Mom and sending her cards. She doesn’t send Tom cards, so why would she care more about her than Tom? It’s all to spite me. That’s all it is.

I have such mixed emotions about Tom. I always have and I know I always will. He’s given me so much, yet he’s taken so much, too. He’s given me a home, security, and the chance to do things I couldn’t do on my own. At the same time, I’ve given up a kid for him, I’ve given up the way I normally deal with those that fuck with me (neighbors/contractors), I’ve changed my clothing style for him, etc. Not that I can ever see myself returning to wanting a child (God, I hope not!) or that God would allow it, and not that I still have the body for the clothes I used to wear, but still, I feel like he’s robbed me of opportunities as well as brought me opportunities.

Later…

Wow! Last year it took me 117 pages to get from the New Year up to today’s date, and just 71 pages this year. There hasn’t been as much to write about since getting in the house, and there are certainly no Mexicans a few feet away to give spy reports on!

What a bummer to know that the freeloaders never read my mail. I highly doubt they’d read it before giving it to the cops. This must mean Larry never read my mail either, despite the bluff. And why would he? I wouldn’t read mail from him. If I got mail from him, I’d put it in the trash to be burned as soon as I knew it was from him, without reading a word. And his saying he sent copies to all kinds of people wouldn’t catch my interest either, cuz I wouldn’t care. Someone could send every single human being in this world a letter saying I’m a crazy asshole for all I care.

It’s no wonder Tom’s as tense and as serious as he is easygoing and relaxed. He is soooo neighbor-conscious! He totally regretted saying this to me cuz of how mad I got, but he told me to shut my office window if I was going to blast my music. He said he knows how much I hate it when others blast their music with the window open, and he certainly wouldn’t want to do things to others that he didn’t like done to him. First of all, when Dan blasts his music, it’s not through an open window. He’s taken the speakers outside. Also, I reminded him that if he wants to be all neighbor-paranoid, worship the ground they walk on, kiss their asses, cater to what he thinks they want, have his life revolve around them, and think the world of their opinions and feelings - fine. But that’s him and not me. I have no more respect for neighbors than they’ve had for me. I don’t give a shit if they can hear me in any way or what they think. As far as I’m concerned, I have no neighbors. They just don’t exist for me anymore. And if he’s so worried about what neighbors think, why is the property still trashed? He’s sending a message saying we’re slobs, which I think would make him want to cry. Or is he just rebelling against me? Is he trashing the outside because I demanded that he not trash the inside? Anyway, I’ll be damned if he’ll control me any more than he already has and try to make me into him. He’s not taking/changing another goddamn thing about me.

The ballerina doll I got at the casino never came with a stand, so I put one of the Giselle dolls stand on a 17” doll, and used that doll’s stand for this doll, which is a 14”. I’m glad I got that second Giselle doll, cuz I really fucked the first one up.

THURSDAY, MARCH 23, 2000 Last night it looked like the pig was dying, all thanks to me and my carelessness. Apparently, the bottle he had broke and he couldn’t get any water for God knows how many days, so he was weak and dehydrated. I put a different bottle in, but that one leaked, so now he’s back to a bowl, and I managed to get some water into him. I think he’ll be okay, although I have mixed emotions about that. Perhaps this is really mean of me, but sometimes I wish he didn’t exist. I’m kind of sick of guinea pigs these days, and he’s so lazy. All he does is sit there, taking up space and making more work for me.

Tom woke up really early yesterday at around 7:00, which left him five hours before he had to go to work. At one point I told him I knew having sex 2-3 times a week was overwhelming for him but did he want to screw tonight anyway? I feel obligated to offer, I guess. Sure enough, he flashed that amused grin. That pleased kind of grin that says, I was hoping you’d ask so I could tease you by turning you down (believe me, though. I wouldn’t feel teased). He didn’t quite turn me down, though. Although I figured he wasn’t in the mood to screw till the weekend, he suggested he go down on me. I forgot that a few days ago I had made a comment about getting off sometime soon as part of my let’s-give-Tom-a-taste-of-his-own-medicine routine. I figured if he was gonna lie and play games, so was I. It gets weird, though. The idea was to tell him I’d cum and make sure I didn’t. However, it felt so good that I wanted to cum, but couldn’t! There’s a simple explanation for it, though. I took care of myself earlier, not expecting him to go down on me. He insisted it was cuz he was out of practice, but he did a fine job.

Lately, I feel like he’s trying to face what he’s done to me over the years in his own way, not that he’ll change by asking that we use birth control or by cumming and not worrying about what risks it may hold. But in his own way, he does feel bad. He’s told me he feels bad and always will, but I know it’s worth it to him. He’d rather feel bad about it, then try to change it. Another thing that tells me he’s trying to own up to his bullshitting me over the years, is the fact that he’s done nothing to deny the things I’ve said lately, like how he never wanted a kid, etc. It’s like he’s quit denying it. Maybe that’s the best he can do to fess up to what he’s done because I sure as hell can’t imagine him ever coming out and bluntly admitting I was right about him and his fears all along. He’s too stubborn for that.

Tom’s gonna put in a sell order to sell some stock to pay bills with. Right now we’re pretty current, but he said we could fall behind.

Dan, Dennis, and Steven! I want to fucking smack you! They’re still affecting our lives! Fucking mother-fucking cocks! When that cock brother of mine had a plaque made up dedicating his business to Larry, one of the lines was: always with you, always with me. I could have it backward, but anyway, when I first read that in a picture Dureen sent me, the first thing that came to mind was - my God! That’s exactly how I feel about the freeloaders. They’re always with me and I’m always with them. Like it or not. I lived to get away from them or for them to get away from me. Well, this is how I feel about these cocks, too. We may not be fighting on the phone with them every day, pleading for them to do their fucking jobs, but even so, they’re still affecting us and they’re still a part of our lives. They’re always with us and we’re always with them. Maybe someday – someday - preferably this year, God will free us and our finances from these degenerate fucks.

Speaking of the freeloaders, I still have dreams about them every now and then, but it’s fine. As long as they’re not a few feet away from me, it’s fine. In the dream, we were still neighbors and we were getting ready to move in a couple of weeks. I was ignoring them and their shit, letting them wonder why they weren’t getting a reaction from me over the music since I knew we were moving anyway.

Yes, those blacks, and the Mexicans as well, will always be with me whether or not I’m always with them. I mean, how could I forget these assholes and the stress, anger, frustration, and hell they inflicted upon me for years and then months? At least now they’re a part of my life in my memory only. I can remember them and be sooo grateful to be free of them and their shit.

I’m utterly stunned how Mr. Bias actually kept his word and dropped it the day they wasted their time dragging me down there to discuss shit they could’ve discussed here. I really thought they were gonna subpoena me. Wow! A cop that doesn’t lie! Hmm… I’m also shocked that these people didn’t send us mail through our old address. Especially the blacks. Yes, people do have the nerve to do that. They would commit the same crime against you they’re accusing you of. I remember how Fran actually had the nerve to bring me up on prank phone call charges while he was doing the same thing to me, till I talked him into dropping the charges. Oh, the winners I used to be dumb enough to associate with!

Later…

I was sitting by my open office window when I heard this metallic-sounding hammering. I thought maybe someone had the nerve to be trying to pry the lock off the shed, but when I went outside I could tell it was coming from a neighboring property, probably next door. They may have resumed their building project. Having no buildings or hills between the houses makes sounds appear closer than they actually are. What was so cool was that I couldn’t hear a damn thing with the window shut. That wouldn’t be the case in Phoenix! When there was hammering next door, I heard it loud and clear, even over fans and music.

I may have a new wild animal friend, but I won’t count on it yet. I spotted her about 30 feet from the office window. She was gray and about the size of the rats. At first I thought it could be a baby jackrabbit till I saw its head was shaped like a squirrel and it had a tail similar to a rat’s tail. At least I think it did. I think it was a gopher. Anyway, it looks like she’s living in a hole by this bush that’s near where I spotted her. I went out and left some lettuce around the hole and a short while later I saw her out again. I went out the front door, saw her leap into the hole, then I placed a carrot and some regular food by the hole. Tomorrow I’ll go see if it’s gone. Hopefully, I’ll see Gophie, as I refer to her, again tomorrow.

I tried to take a picture, but she was too far and too small. I even went online to see if I could find a picture of a gopher, but couldn’t. I ended up reading up on a variety of rodents. I like how they say hamsters are antisocial and possibly evil. They rate mice as sociable but say the males fight. They rate rats as social, friendly, and very intelligent. One rat owner said they loved rats and how they chase strings, come when called (sometimes), and really enjoy human company.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22, 2000 Amazingly, I still haven’t heard from the boomers in the sky. I’ve been sleeping just fine. Maybe they’re on break or something. This peace can’t last forever, though.

Yesterday turned out to be quite a rough day. My allergies just wouldn’t quit. On and on went the sneezing and the runny nose. Obviously, I’m gonna have these vicious allergy attacks every few weeks or so and there’s nothing I can do about them but just live with them. It’s better than deadly asthma attacks.

Tom picked out a portfolio organizer from a catalog for being at the bank for five years.

Later…

Just got our third sales call of the week. It was the Arizona Republic calling. By June we’ll be back to getting several calls a day and I’ll have to turn the ringer off. I could tell it was automated too, cuz of the delay between when I picked up and when the person started talking. I told them not to call again, but I’m sure they will after a few days. And the thing is that they never remove numbers from their system, and also, they give it out to their friends so they can put your number in their system, too. It’s like a mailing list, only it’s with the phone. Now that someone knows someone lives at this number, more people will be given the number. If the Phoenix number is still out of service, it’s still being called many times a day. Once it does get reissued, I sure feel sorry for whoever gets the number.

I still haven’t heard from the people in the sky. I don’t know what’s up with that. I still don’t know why we didn’t hear from them during October, November, and December.

Once I get my book done and out to some publishers, this will be a real test of God. This will tell me if he’s all about stopping me from doing things I wanted to that I couldn’t handle, or if he’s about stopping me from doing anything I want to do. Period.

Soon, Tammy, Dureen, and Art will hear from me one last time. Along with sending the pictures, I will make myself clear as to why I don’t want any contact for the last time, simply because I like to express myself and not because I feel I owe them an explanation. I don’t owe these people shit, and except for Lisa, I don’t regret dumping them. I never felt better. I only wish I’d done it sooner. I can’t stand these people. I just can’t stand them. And I can’t associate with Lisa and have to be reminded of these sick fucks whenever we talk. I don’t want to know Bill, Larry, Tammy, Dureen or Art exist, other than to send them this final piece of mail. I never again want to be a part of their abuse and tall tales. I could never again associate with such dishonest control freaks like Dureen and Art, nor Larry with the way he tried to take over the family’s affairs and with the way he and his folks ganged up against Tammy. Yes, Tammy’s a shit parent, but Larry didn’t just want Lisa for the sake of getting her away from Tammy. He wanted to replace his son and to spite Tammy. And I could never again associate with Tammy and her bullshit either. She lies, exaggerates, and is the moodiest hypochondriac I know.

If I crossed paths with most people that have burned me in the past, I wouldn’t even pay them the time of day, but these people have fucked me up and over so badly for so long, that I still burn with rage at the mere thought of them, and if I ever saw Bill, Larry or Ronnie - I’d beat them beyond recognition in a heartbeat. I hate bully cocks like them that think they’re oh so tough! There’s nothing I’d get off more on than to show these “big tough men” that no, they can’t hit everybody and no, they can’t beat everybody. Some people, including women, could kick the shit out of them and that includes me. I have the rage to do it and do it well. I know I could. I’d bet my dolls on it. In this day and age, they’d never stand a chance against me. Hell, I could take them all on at once with one arm tied behind my back, and oh how I wish I could be the one to teach these little fucks a valuable lesson about what happens when the wrong person is hit/fucked over by them. I’d make them so terrified to even think of fucking with anyone the way Ronnie used to shove me around and the way Bill’s hit Lisa.

Oddly enough, though, I don’t feel extreme rage when it comes to my folks, even though they abused me both physically and mentally more than anyone else ever has. Maybe it’s because of their age. Or maybe it’s because I know that Larry, Bill and Ronnie would be more of a challenge for me, even if I know I could kick the shit out of them easily enough. Meaning that although I know I could beat them all, I could beat my parents with just one punch. The others would take four or five punches. Maybe it’s that. I don’t know. I just know that if I could change two things in my life, I’d erase the resentment I feel towards Tom for lying to me about the kid, and I’d erase my anger towards these people back east and just forget about them. Literally, forget them.

Below are excerpts from my letters.

To the shit sister:

The biggest thing about you that really made my blood boil was how you let Bill go on abusing you and Lisa for years before you finally put your foot down, even if it was in a half-assed kind of way since you do allow Bill access to your kids. Even you yourself admitted that you were miserable for years and wouldn’t address it. I don’t need experience as a parent to know that your job as a parent was/is to protect your kids from abuse, and you DIDN’T! There’s absolutely no excuse for your letting his shit go on like that. Using your childhood is a lame, pitiful excuse, too. You should’ve kicked his ass and thrown him out the first time he laid a hand on her and you should’ve made it the last time he laid a hand on her. Sometimes two wrongs do make a right and sometimes you do have to literally fight for justice. Turning the other cheek doesn’t always work. These violent people need to be shown that if they hurt someone, someone’s gonna hurt them. Instead, you sent this pitiful excuse of a person the wrong message. You might as well have had a big sign made up saying: beat my daughter Bill. I’ll let you get away with it with no taste of your own medicine to come. Like I said, you should’ve kicked his ass, and if you couldn’t do it with your bare hands, you should’ve used a weapon which could’ve and would’ve been justified to the cops - he attacked my daughter and I did what I had to do to get him away from her. Violent people like Bill can’t be helped or changed and yes, someday he’s gonna hit the wrong person who’s gonna make him be afraid to even think of hitting another person (if he lives) but you should’ve been the one to teach him his lesson. If we had had kids and if Tom had ever laid a hand on them, I’d beat him beyond recognition as would be my duty as a parent and I’d never let him near me or my kids again, and I don’t care what the courts said. And you were worried about how I’d be as a parent in the past. Well, obviously all your worries over me were just a cover for your own worries, doubts and failures as a parent, huh? Well, rest assured - I wouldn’t have been a perfect parent who never made mistakes, but I wouldn’t have let my husband beat her year after year either! It’s not your fault Bill’s the way he is, and it’s not your fault that our pitiful excuse of a court system is as fucked up as it is, but that’s all the more reason why we need to take responsibility. What I mean by putting your foot down in a half-assed kind of way was that you should’ve ignored the courts and not let Bill near the kids, even if that meant you had to run and hide. If the courts won’t do their job, then we the people need to do it for them and pick up where they left off. If the courts told you to kill your kids and then yourself, would you do it? And what are you? Attracted to aggressive, abusive, violent men? Where’s your self-respect, girl? I see a nasty pattern here. Dick was violent, Joe was violent, and Bill was. Is Mark gonna hit you and the kids too? And if so, how many years is it gonna take for you to fight back? Well, we can’t undo the mistakes we’ve made in the past, and we all make them. All we can do is learn from our mistakes. Next time a man lays a hand on you or the kids - make him sorry, show him it’s a definite no-no, have self-respect and respect for your kids, and get rid of him! And Tam, I’m sorry if what I just said sounded cruel, but it’s the truth!

To the shit excuse for parents:

I can’t lie to you folks and tell you when or if you’ll ever hear from me again. You could hear from me again in a few months, a few years, or never. I just don’t know. I certainly couldn’t call you and resume a relationship with you if I couldn’t be accepted as I am and cuz I just couldn’t trust you. Not after you’ve broken your word to me a zillion times. You can’t keep personal and private stuff between us. Or any disagreements we have. It was fine when you’d tell people things like “Jodi and Tom went to Vegas,” or “Jodi likes to sing and her nickname’s Mystery,” but to tell them “I’m sick of hearing about the same things and things I can’t relate to. I don’t give a damn if she can’t get pregnant. That’s her problem, I have no empathy for her, and I’m sick of hearing it” is wrong. I can see if you had simply told people that we had a disagreement, but to get into details, half of which you made up along the way, was wrong. Our conflicts were never Marty and Ruth’s business, Larry’s business, or your friend’s business, either. They should’ve been kept between us. If I wanted them to know certain things, I’d tell them myself. Hell, you told the whole town of Longmeadow I jumped. You made me feel like it was more important for you to get sympathy than to protect my privacy. And the fictitious story about me chasing you, Doe, with a hammer (or was it a knife?) When I was somewhere between 15-20 was ludicrous. You had so many people scared to death of me for no reason. No one needs to be or should be afraid of me unless they try to harm me or my husband. Anyway, I already made my feelings clear, and if you read them and if you understood a word I said, you’d know how I felt. In the long run, though, it really doesn’t matter one way or the other what you do or don’t understand or agree with me on because as long as we don’t resume the relationship we had in the past, we won’t clash with each other.

Later…

Tom left a note saying to wake him up at 9:00. So early? Does this mean we’re gonna get together tonight? And are we back to having sex 2-3 times a week? Gee, I can’t wait!

I can’t help but have conflicting emotions about his not cumming, just as I do about God’s deciding to take my reproductive system into his hands and make my decisions for me regarding that.

I don’t want a kid, but I resent God for robbing me of my choice.

I don’t want a kid, but I resent Tom for robbing me of a normal sex life.

Until a professional told him there was nothing that could be done and it was truly out of his control, I’ll never forgive him for denying me his cum, so to speak, when I did want a kid. And he makes me feel like such a cursed freak, too. I’ve never heard of anyone like him. I swear he’s the only one in this world like he is. I know I’m right, just as I have been so far, about his not wanting a kid and that that’s the basis for his not cumming. And I know he’ll never go to a doctor about it. If it were up to him, he’d never discuss the issues of cumming or kids again in his life. But what I still don’t get to this day, is why go to such extremes to see that he doesn’t become the father he never wanted to be and still doesn’t want to be. The only reason I can think of is that he knew I wanted a kid when we met and just didn’t have the heart to tell me he didn’t want that and therefore insisted we use birth control. I think his refusal to cum became a habit he can’t break. Or can rarely break. I’m sure that long after menopause, he still won’t cum. He’s too used to the way he is and too pleased with it. He obviously wants to be the way he is, whether or not there is a pregnancy risk. I can tell by how comfortable he is with the way he is. How many guys are like him, and can’t help it, and are happy with it? No one! Just him. I tell you, there’s no such thing as a case like he’s got. Not medically, anyway. His situation just doesn’t exist. You either can’t get hard to begin with, or you can, and you can cum just fine. No one gets hard but can’t cum. The question is - am I really the only one with a guy who can get hard, but won’t cum?

Anyway, I just try not to think of it, and all the ways God and other people have made my decisions for me or controlled me in any way. I’ve never been with anyone that was remotely normal in bed and I never would be if I went through a zillion more people, be it women or guys. I also never had a say in my reproductive system and I never will. God put the lock and chains on that the day I was born and declared it off-limits to me. All I can do is just live with these facts. They cannot be changed, and even if they could be, I don’t know that I’d want to change them. Not just because my heart is no longer in changing them, but because of my fear of God’s retaliation against me for going against his wishes for me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s never to mess with God!

TUESDAY, MARCH 21, 2000 Just fired up my computer to cover today’s events, then I’m going to listen to music, maybe sing a little, then hopefully I’ll crash. Benadryl ought to help with that. Yeah, my allergies have been going berserk. Tom says he feels bad that he took me out on such a windy day, but it started before we went out. I think the dust in Mary’s house contributed more to it in the end than the wind did. She only cleans once a year at Christmas time. And when she cleans, I think that only means neatening things up, or rearranging them and lessening some of the clutter. Not dusting and vacuuming. I doubt she even owns a vacuum.

Driving through that horrendous city sure brings out the rage in me, but first, we enjoyed seeing Mom. Evelyn wasn’t there when we arrived because she had to go to the dentist. We showed Mom the pictures we burned on the disk we brought her, and Tom set about to connect their two computers, but Mary didn’t leave the stuff he needed. I guess she hadn’t gotten the parts yet, cuz something came up.

Mary, who came in about a half-hour before we left, saw the pictures, too.

I played around with their electric dartboard and saw their new birds. They have a blue parakeet like the one we had and a green one. One of them has a really nice cage.

Dave came in on our way out, so we quickly said hello to him, then headed for the grocery store which was a circus and a half. It took us forever at the check-out, thanks to the slow, stupid Mexican at the register. Non-whites were plentiful compared to the whites, which now seem to be the minority. The blacks and Mexicans totally ran the whites out, or so it seems. They help to run us out.

After the grocery store, Tom ran into Staples, but as I figured, they didn’t have ink refills for my kind of printer, so he’s going to order them online. I’m sure I’ll have to remind him and push him to do it a dozen times before he finally does.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, one of the things I hate about driving in the city isn’t just all its traffic and construction, it’s the fucking assholes that creep! No one can drive the speed limit in Arizona, I swear! Not even in Lavene, a tiny scum town just outside of Phoenix. It’s either a poor Indian tribe town that hasn’t made money with casinos or a Mexican town. Either way, like most scum towns, it ain’t white. Anyway, this couple in front of us had us dragging at fucking 15 miles below the speed limit for miles. When we finally got the chance to pass them, I fingered them out of frustration and Tom blew a fuse over it, getting all paranoid about getting shot for it, etc. I’m not saying this world isn’t full of sensitive poor losers, but what are the odds of that, huh? If we all went around shooting those who flipped us off, gave us dirty looks, or swore at us, there’d be none of us left. I told him I’d keep my fingers down from here on out, but I’ll be damned if I’ll kiss society’s ass and not vent my anger and frustration when I want to. I’m not gonna live walking on eggshells because of society’s poor precious sensitive little feelings. If they can’t handle the things I say and do - tough shit. If you can’t handle a finger or two, you’ll never make it in this world and you don’t belong in this world in the first place. You piss me off, you’ll hear from me about it, and if you can’t deal with it - that’s your problem.

SUNDAY, MARCH 19, 2000 Another quiet, stress-free, peaceful weekend. How many cars were next door at the Mexicans this weekend? Hmm…Ten? Twenty? Fifty? Hee, hee! Well, they didn’t have anything to do with my life!! Not the quiet blue-green pickup, nor the bass-banging Ranchero!!!

My pee is green. I’m pretty sure it’s cuz of the water pills I’ve been taking, cuz the further away I get from taking one, the clearer my pee is. It’s turned out to be more of a help than I thought it would be when it comes to losing excess water, although it doesn’t do shit for pre-period boob soreness. Even more amazing - I woke up at 121 pounds today, but have done nothing lately to lose weight. Again, could it be connected to these water pills? I’d guess so.

We screwed today and he let himself in there again. I was surprised.

He installed a picture viewer on my computer and it’s great. It allows me to sift through them faster. We can’t bring the screensavers to Mom tomorrow because we need to find certain files to make them run on their computer. We are going to bring them a CD of pictures, though.

Scuttles was so funny earlier. Even Tom’s amused by the rat’s behavior. Ratsy was out chasing me again, along with Scuttles, and they both were chasing this strip of paper I’d dangle in front of them like a kitten would. It was so cute.

SATURDAY, MARCH 18, 2000 Getting pretty hot out there! We were outside (he still is) and I cut up some boxes for burning.

As expected, he’s shown no desire for sex. I knew that having sex like we did 2-3 times a week wouldn’t last long. I knew he’d get sick of it. Personally, I think it was all a show. I mean, I think he thought he could tease me big time by thinking we’d have full-time sex regularly, then bye-bye full-time sex and hello to part-time sex once again. Little does he know he didn’t get the bummed out feeling he no doubt hoped I’d get. I’m ever so grateful to be back to the part-time sex. I have no appetite myself. It’s just old and predictable, and it bores me to tears. It’s hard to get turned on by him when I know he isn’t all that turned on by me. I just can’t do the one-sided sex like I used to be able to. He also says he’s worried about having grocery money for the next two weeks. Well, he’s 40 pounds overweight and I’m 20 pounds overweight. I don’t think it’ll kill us to cut back on food for a couple of weeks, but like I said, he’s just looking for excuses. I told you that if we had more time there’d be some other problem and there is. And once we’re doing better financially, he’ll be sick or sore more often. And like I also said, it’s OK if we have part-time, cumless sex. I just hate the lies and excuses. It’s OK that I can’t have a kid cuz I don’t want the burden and responsibility that’d bring, but at the same time, I still resent him for taking away my chance to find out if I could’ve conceived naturally. Because of this stubborn, controlling, scaredy-cat, along with the help of God, I’ll never know for sure. Just have vibes. My woman’s intuition tells me no, I wouldn’t conceive even if he squirted regularly. I’ve sensed long before I ever met Tom that I couldn’t conceive, and I didn’t with the stupid shits I did it with back east.

Paula left a message at 5 AM our time. I guess she’s calling on weekends now. I wish she’d call more like once every month or two, but at least she’s not bugging me several times a day like Andy used to. I don’t miss the long, boring phone calls with Andy. It’s not that he never had anything interesting to say, I just don’t miss his selfishness and his only coming over when he wanted something. Andy was a pest and a half.

Later…

Tom and I watched The Others live. I’m amazed they haven’t had an episode yet with childbirth in it.

Didn’t hear from Dan yesterday or today. I’m amazed at that, too.

Played with Scuttles on and off and now I’m making Tom and I a baked potato.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17, 2000 Not much to update on. No booms today and no Dan yesterday. That doesn’t mean I won’t hear from Dan tonight, though. It’s still early enough. If he does bug me, I’ll just throw my music on.

We’re going over to Mom’s on Monday to do some computer work for Mary and to visit her. We’ll go before Mary and Dave get home. That way the dog will be outside barking its ass off, and not inside to scare the shit out of me. I pity Mary’s neighbors if they hate barking like I do.

I made them screensavers, as I mentioned before, which Tom says they can’t wait to see. Tom also decided he wanted to make them a digital photo album on a CD, so I picked out about 110 pictures of us and things associated with us, like pictures of the land and pets.

THURSDAY, MARCH 16, 2000 Well, they found us. Yeah, we just got our first sales call. When the phone rang I saw it said “out of area,” and because of that and the fact that they left no message, it had to be sales. Another six months to a year and we’ll be back to getting many calls a day. I doubt the call was from the Bowflex people, cuz if they were calling, it’d be because they had something important to either tell us or ask us, and therefore, they’d leave a message, I’d think. Tom said we could expect it in a week, but no way. Money’s never enough, in God’s eyes, when it comes to us getting things. I know there’s gotta be a big song and dance and a big fucking deal involved in getting it. Us getting anything like that always takes a fight, and of course, when it does get here, there’ll be some problem. Something will be damaged or missing.

No booms in the sky today, but I’m sure I’ll be hearing from Dan any moment now. His prime time is in the early evening when he knows most people are more likely to be home. I’m surprised he’s been as quiet as he has been the last few weekends.

Tom got the animals the biggest bail of sawdust I’ve ever seen. It’s got to be a 50-pound bag.

I’ve also never seen an animal love me as much as Scuttles does, and I’d have to say I haven’t loved any animal as much as I love him. He’s so cute, loving and playful. At one point, while Tom and I were sitting on the couch with him, I had to get up for ibuprofen for a headache. After I did, Scuttles jumped down off the couch to follow me.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15, 2000 They’re booming around up there again. At least they let me sleep till 10:30 when the alarm went off. I got up right before Tom came in with my coffee. I had him get me some since he was planning on stopping at Circle K, anyway. They didn’t have the white chocolate caramel I love so much, so he got the flavor they replaced it with - chocolate mint. Boring.

It is with utter shock and amazement that I can say I finally received Paula’s pictures! She really wasn’t putting me on. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t know it was her, cuz half her face is covered with sunglasses. But knowing it’s her, and looking at the slight cleft in her chin and the shape of her lips, I can see it’s her. They were taken down in Florida. She’s smiling and waving in one picture, against a grassy and pine-treed background, wearing a black, sleeveless shirt or dress with what appears to be a pink bikini top underneath. The other one, the one I like best, she’s not smiling and is holding a small clump of pink flowers. She’s wearing the same thing in this one too, but has a better background cuz there are palm trees behind her. Her hair appeared to be pulled back and was obviously dyed a deep, coppery red.

Now if only I could get a picture of her from a decade ago with her long brown hair! And no sunglasses to hide half of her face!

Tom said that yesterday, he saw that snake in the same spot. He said he couldn’t tell if it was dead or not, but it probably got run over.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but a foul smell would occur and disappear in the second bath for a week or two. We’re not sure what it was, but lately, we haven’t smelled it.

Freddie’s been having no trouble climbing up and down. I haven’t actually seen him screwing any of the ladies, but I hope he has and got a litter or two started.

Speaking of screwing, I’m to get Tom up at 8:00 so we can “try” to screw. Oh, God! I am not looking forward to this shit. I know he’s not going to go in me. In fact, I’ve even stopped using KY.

Later…

Dan’s on my case again, distracting and annoying the fuck out of me with the engine-gunning. What are we gonna do with you, Dan? Huh? Just what are we gonna do with you? God, get this fucker out of this state! Next door is a dream come true; I don’t know they exist. Same with the renters (so far) yet every day, be it for a sec or hours, I’m always reminded of Dan’s existence. It may be better than having a pack of loud and lazy freeloaders on my shoulder, but still, I don’t like it. I wish he’d just shut the fuck up. Having no mountain, hill, or wall between us and this cock is a factor in letting the sound hit the house so easily, just as it would be if we had a wall that was too close to the house, but he’s got some monster of an engine in at least one of his trucks. Totally the kind a desperado would have. Yeah, well I’m sick of hearing it. I’d like to see this little fuck give me one week, just one week, off from the fucking shit he’s been pulling, so obviously trying to get anyone’s attention.

Later…

What a big mistake, not using the KY, although I naturally lubed up in just a minute or two. He stayed hard and went in there, but it goes without saying that he wouldn’t let himself cum. I’m kind of surprised. I started to really wonder if our sex life was over. We’re not any richer, so I’m sure it’s because I’m getting closer to my period and less likely to conceive, not that I could anyway. I swear, though, he acts like an old man at times in bed. After just a minute or two on top, he plopped down on the bed as if he’d just run ten miles. He also seemed suddenly to be depressed, but he didn’t say anything.

TUESDAY, MARCH 14, 2000 Another quiet spell in the sky lately. I thought for sure that they’d wake me up around 9:30 yesterday and today, but I haven’t heard a thing. Yeah, but how long will it last? Just this week, I’m sure. By next week, they’ll be booming by regularly, waking me up. I still can’t seem to get up as early as I’d like to. I’ve been getting up around 10:30 but would prefer to get up at 9:00.

Later…

Tom’s home now. He stopped at his mom’s. Her blood sugar is too low. Nora, Ray and Jennifer were there and he says that Nora and Ray looked 100 years old. Ray has liver disease and Nora recently had a mild heart attack. Jennifer’s the opposite of what she used to be, from what Tom told me. Instead of being the boisterous loud-mouthed brat she used to be, she was rather subdued.

Anyway, after we chatted, he went out to burn some trash, and now he’s unwinding for bed.

When we were chatting, we were discussing how this house was built. I guess I misunderstood some of the details and got some of them wrong, so let me run through it again for the record. It takes 3-4 days to build this house. First they build a metal frame which they then build the house on. After the frame is made, they lay down the floor and run the plumbing underneath. Then they do the electrical, windows, walls, cabinets and doors. I’m not sure if the inside wall boards go in before or after the roof is put on, but anyway, after it’s painted, on goes the roof. It was cool to see them put a roof on a different house when we were there (they work on several houses at once). The roof is suspended on a crane that moves and places it on top of the house after its paint dries. Then they paint the exterior and roll the house through on conveyor belts to where they put its axles and wheels on. When we saw our house, it had plumbing, walls and floors, but no windows, doors, or cabinets, and some electrical. It wasn’t even painted.

MONDAY, MARCH 13, 2000 As planned, we got that male mouse we wanted at the same place we got Scuttles at. We were shocked to see that they had a huge cage with so many breeds of rodents living together in it. They had hamsters, gerbils, mice, and a guinea pig that squeaked bloody murder. I don’t know how these gerbils and hamsters get along when Teddy Bear and Gizzy didn’t. Maybe it’s because these were raised together. There were no rats or ferrets there. I’m not surprised, since rats and ferrets are the most aggressive of the rodents, although hamsters aren’t always sweethearts themselves. They also had some fancy mice that were alone in their own cage. They didn’t have nearly the number of rats this time around, and they had both pet rats and fancy rats, according to their sign. Pet rats don’t get as big as fancy rats, though they’re all pets. I was glad that none of the rats really appealed to me, because giving my attention to the two I’ve got is enough. When one of them dies, I’ll get another rat or two.

Anyway, we got some crinkle paper in a box for them to nest in, which was cheaper than the mall where Tom used to get them. Also, the fancy mice were on sale, so we paid just $3 for Freddie. Freddie’s as tame and lovable as all fancy mice are, walking up and down my arm. I already took his picture. He’s a cross between brown and gold. He’s pretty much what I was hoping to find. I wanted something different than the gold mouse and the black and white mouse I’ve got, for more color variety for breeding. It’ll be interesting to see what colors and markings they create. He’s definitely a male, too. They didn’t fuck up on his sex. You can see the two little balls very easily.

Last night I wish I had videotaped the rats. Scuttles was out playing with me, jumping and climbing all over me, but you should’ve seen Ratsy! He was chasing me and play-nipping me like a cat! He’d chase the hem of my nightie as I rolled on the floor.

Our only other stop was for coffee and soda at Circle K. Although it was only first shift when we got there, I got the immediate feeling that Jennifer no longer works there. Just a vibe I got, but we’ll see if I ever see her again.

Once we got a couple of miles or so from our house, there sure was a cool sight waiting for us in the middle of the road. I saw, from just two feet away, a diamondback rattlesnake, which is now coming out of hibernation. It moved off towards the side of the road and watched us. It was coiled up defensively, ready to strike if need be, but I guess he knew deep down that we weren’t gonna get him, cuz he didn’t even shake his rattle. Not even when I threw an empty Tic Tac box out at him. It landed an inch in front of him, but he gave no reaction. Just continued to sit there and watch us. Snakes, tarantulas, lizards, coyotes, jackrabbits, and roadrunners are what you mostly see out here. Anyway, we almost ran over the snake, and I wanted to see one of these up close so Tom backed up, careful not to run it over, and we checked him out for a while. Tom said they can only strike half of their body length. This one was about 4 feet long. They’re really cool looking, but I wouldn’t want a pet snake. I wouldn’t fancy the idea of having to feed them live rodents, which is what they eat. Also, I like smart, entertaining pets like rats. The rats interact with people just like puppies and kittens do. Even someone who hated rats couldn’t deny they’re cute to watch and smart. Anyway, Tom says that he’ll take a shovel and whack any snake’s head off that he sees on the property. Although you should never get bit as long as you’re careful and watch where you’re going, we have a bite kit that Tom and I checked out and went over. It’s for snakes, scorpions, bees, black widows, and jellyfish. Believe me, though, you won’t run into a jellyfish out here! I’ll bet most people back east wouldn’t believe me if I told them the animal out here that’s most likely to attack. They’re the hardest to see and for every snake, there are millions of them. They’re ants, and out here, they spare you no mercy! Little red ants and big black ants - the most likely to get you. The most dangerous, though, is the rattlers and I think there are copperheads and other dangerous snakes out here too, although they’re big so they’re easy to spot. They’re also slow-moving and they won’t chase you down. They’ll try to get away from you. The most harmless - coyotes and tarantulas. Coyotes are too timid to get near you and tarantulas are virtually poisonless. You can just walk up to them, pick them up, pat their fur, and put them down, not that I’d care to. They’re very slow-moving, too. My personal outdoor favorites, though, are the jackrabbits, roadrunners, and coyotes.

SUNDAY, MARCH 12, 2000 Tom left for work an hour ago.

I spent most of the weekend backing up my picture files. I converted my BMP pictures to JPGs before saving them on floppies and was able to get between 15-27 pictures per disk. It took about 20 disks. Even though Tom does regular backups on CDs, I felt it wouldn’t hurt to have another backup set that I did on floppies. I was mainly after the harder-to-replace pictures, like the ones taken with the digital camera. If I lost copies of the photos I scanned, I could just rescan them. I also backed up most of the wallpaper pictures I got online.

I showed Tom that bridge I saw out front and he told me it’s a cotton gin. Makes sense. There’s nothing but farms out towards the front of us, and the more I looked at it, the more it did look like a gin.

At 2:00 this afternoon, Scuttles decided it was midnight. He must have because he was really having a ball. He not only wanted to be affectionate and get attention from me, but he also wanted to run around the house, too. He loves to nestle in my hair and make it a real “rat’s nest.” I started straightening it naturally, the way I did in the 80s before there were straightening irons, so it was easier to brush the knots out. I straighten it by putting elastics down the length of it, every inch or so apart. Because it’s so damn thick, it takes forever to dry.

Paula called yesterday. We talked about the house, the weather, and that guy she’s seeing. She asked more questions about us and the house this time around. She says that for $70 a month, she’s renting a computer she doesn’t know how to hook up to the Internet or its printer. That’s Paula for you. Oh, and now she claims she mailed those pictures out Friday, so her story’s changed again.

Tom’s still playing games. Yesterday he conveniently had body aches and thought he was getting the flu. He said he wondered if the nasty fumes from the shit he used to clean paint spatter off the speakers in the den did it, but I think it was an excuse to get out of sex.

Today he couldn’t stay hard, and while I was doing him by hand, he suddenly heard fictitious car doors close by and had to get up and check it out. Meanwhile, I heard nothing like that, and again I pointed out to him that he should come clean with me and quit making lame excuses to get out of sex. I can’t stop him from playing games, but I can help him with his fears. If he’s so sure I can conceive and doesn’t want that to happen, he should just tell me so we could discuss some sort of birth control method. But no, he says, that isn’t it. Maybe he’s a nut who’s become like me, he says. Sensitive to sounds. Then he gets back into bed saying, I’m still here, aren’t I? And then he tells me that he’s trying. But I don’t want him to “try.” No one should have to “try” to get into sex. If it doesn’t come naturally to him, then maybe he shouldn’t be having sex, especially with me. Then I asked him if he was sick of me and felt he needed a fling or something, but he swears he isn’t sick of me and doesn’t want a fling. He once told me he and his ex had a threesome once with a woman and that screwed things up, I guess. Anyway, he says he’s never had the problem of not being able to stay hard before. Part of it’s God, who just has to interfere with my sex life no matter what. As I reminded Tom, I’ve been sexually cursed since day one and if I got a new man or woman every year, each one would have some kind of problem or weird quirk. He says he thinks his problem is over money, then went on to explain, although it makes no sense to me, that it stresses him out more to be barely making it, rather than behind. Well, I still think all this is about his enjoying playing sex games with me and his fear of me conceiving. He still swears he isn’t afraid of that, but I don’t know. I suggested, just in case he is being sincere and he does truly have these problems that are out of his control, to just wait till we’re back on track financially. Then, if he’s still having trouble getting hard, he can decide if he wants to go to a doctor (although I think he should’ve gone to one six years ago). I highly suggested he tell the whole story if he does go to a doctor. Not just the trouble with staying hard, but the lack of cumming, too. Let an expert give their opinion. He agreed he’d think about a doctor and tell them everything if he went to one, but I know Tom S. The man would never in a million years breathe a word about his hardness trouble or lack of cumming to a doctor or anyone, and you want to know why? Because I still think it’s his own will that’s doing it, both consciously and subconsciously. He’s had “problems” in bed ever since we met, so why would he wait this long to do something about it if he didn’t want things the way they were?

I wondered for a moment if this weren’t meant to be to get him to go to a doctor, for once and for all. Yes, if he’s sincere, maybe having two problems will give him the gusto to go to a doctor.

Nah. He’ll never go to a doctor about it. Not if his life depended on it.

I can’t help but feel conflicting emotions about it. On the one hand, I’m pissed that because of him I can never see if I can get pregnant naturally if I decide I want that in a few years, and on the other hand, I don’t want that, and God would never allow it to happen, naturally or not. I’m still glad we never had a kid in the past. I’m sorry I went through all the emotional shit over it that I went through. It was miserably horrible. I’m sorry for every rotten thing he and I have ever been through, but I’m not sorry things turned out to be the way they did so I could live life and do the things we’ve done in life. With a kid, I’m almost positive we’d never have been able to get out of Phoenix. At least not till it was older. I also wouldn’t have been able to do, learn, grow, mature, and experience the things I have in life.

We talked about the possibility of moving to a retirement community like Sun City or Sun Lakes when he gets to be at least 55, and I may like that for various reasons. For one, as much as I love this big house in this remote area, it’s a little too far out for old people who need to go to the doctor more often. If we were in one of these places, we could get to doctors more easily and not have to wait an hour for an ambulance, should we need one.

Also, they have rules about barking dogs, but there are not that many in these places. Just like most houses in the city do have dogs, most old people don’t have dogs. Those that do tend to have little dogs like poodles. Not two big vicious collies.

They probably don’t allow people to have pools, but that’s OK cuz they have country clubs you can walk to, and I wouldn’t be afraid of being attacked by a big dog walking the streets there.

I’d want a smaller house when I got older and had a harder time getting around and doing housecleaning, and in a place like that, you’d never have to worry about subsidized freeloaders moving in next door. Oh, I’m sure it’d be just my shit luck to move in next to the old lady whose grandkids came over practically every day and screamed outside, but at least I could do something about that, and since the mother would live there, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about her taking my noise complaint all wrong and making sure the kids got even noisier.

Anyway, I hope to be here for a long time. At least 10-15 years. I hope we’re happy here as long as we’re here, but like I said, that’s not very realistic. It’s bound to get noisy sooner or later.

FRIDAY, MARCH 10, 2000 I discovered Mocha, one of my mice, dead today. Tom thinks she had tumors, but I don’t know. The way she was shaped made me think she was just fat and may have even had a litter before we bought her. We buried her but didn’t bother with a marker.

Tom’s suddenly so sorry for “doing more bad things to me than I have to him,” as were his words. I don’t know how sincere he is, but anyway, perhaps that’s why he suddenly wants the male mouse we’ve been talking about getting. I know he enjoys checking out the animals, and he says he loves all his pets, even if he thinks rats are mean-looking, but we know that the animals are mainly for me. I just don’t get how he can say, year after year, that he’s so sorry for “being a failure in bed” yet not do anything about it. All he does is say he’s sorry. Meanwhile, he just keeps on doing the same old shit.

I guess it’s going to be easier said than done as far as giving Tom a taste of his own medicine. I just can’t do the things he does without feeling guilty. I just can’t jerk him around about sex or about anything like he has to me. Besides, jerking him around sexually, or being predictable, won’t faze him. I guess I’m just forever at his mercy in bed. I either put up with the never-ending predictability and lame excuses in bed, or I don’t have sex at all. At least we’re back to sex in part-time spurts like I knew we’d be, so I don’t have to deal with his shit too often.

We discussed the possibility of moving to a retirement community like Sun City or Sun Lakes in about 15 years.

THURSDAY, MARCH 9, 2000 Tom was a big hero at work last night, fixing stupid people’s mistakes. I guess they threw out stuff they weren’t supposed to throw out. I swear that’s our life’s destiny - fixing other people’s fuck-ups.

I’m not looking forward to all I know we’ll have to go through from here on out to get the Bowflex. Just because they said we could have it, and just because we intend to make payments on it, doesn’t mean we can just have it. It’s gonna be a big fucking deal to get and we’ll have to fight tooth and nail for it. There’ll be a problem with delivery, or it’ll get here damaged, or parts will be missing, etc.

I washed some of my older doll’s clothes.

I also made five screensavers for Mary, Dave and Mom. They said they were curious to see how I do those, so I did up a saver of us, scenery, flowers, dogs and cats, and various animals. No mice or rats, though, since they don’t like them.

I think I forgot to mention the scorpion Tom met last weekend. He was moving the shed onto the frame he made for it of concrete he poured, and he came across it then. He took some cool pictures of it, too, before he killed it.

I don’t know why, but I didn’t get up at 9:00 when my alarm was set to go off. Instead, I got up at 11:00. I don’t know if I subconsciously turned the alarm off or what happened, but amazingly, they let me sleep till then. I haven’t heard any booms at all today. Tom mentioned a change in the jet stream. Maybe that caused them to alter their course.

I checked into Luke Air Force Base last night online, which is where these jets are coming from. They claim they mostly fly in the daytime but do have some night flights, which are usually back by 10:00. They didn’t mention how many days of the week they fly. There was a number to call about noise complaints. What for? They’ll just tell anyone that bitches the same thing they’ve told others that have bitched - hey, we have to train these people, so tough.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8, 2000 I was lucky enough to have them wait till I’d gotten up before booming by today. At 11:00 and 4:00 I heard a whole series of rumbles. Some were mild tremors and others were loud and thunderous.

Later…

I don’t fucking believe it! Thanks, God. I just knew it, though. They just boomed by. At 9:00 at night? They’re gonna train people in the dark at night? See, it’s only a matter of time before it’s a round-the-clock thing. It won’t matter what my schedule is, eventually, cuz anytime I sleep will be hit or miss. I checked outside to make sure it wasn’t thunder I heard since that’s what it sounded like, but the sky was clear as can be. Nothing going on at Dan’s. Just a minute’s worth of engine-gunning a couple of hours ago. Why am I so cursed when it comes to noise and sleep?! I’ll never be free of it no matter where I go.

TUESDAY, MARCH 7, 2000 He’s gone. Meanwhile, I am gonna get him good sexually! If only he knew just how sexually doomed he is to be in a month from now. I’ve had it with the sex games! Now it’s his turn to get a taste of his own medicine, and believe me, I’m gonna make every lame excuse in the book and do nothing but bitch and complain about how his doing this or that turns me off in bed, and this distracts me, and this stresses me, etc. Let him feel like the little freak he’s made me feel. Let him feel unappreciated in bed. He isn’t the only one who’s quit cumming, that’s for sure.

Tonight he had to have ice cream, something he knows his stomach can’t tolerate well, so he could have an upset stomach and an excuse to avoid sex and laze out in front of the TV. The fucking TV turns him on more than I do, and I don’t care how beautiful he always tells me I am. Of course, I’m sure part of it is because I made the excuse to bail out of the same old bullshit sex last night. It’s like he has to give me a taste of my own medicine when I make excuses to get out of sex and do the same thing right back.

Anyway, his 30 days are up and we’re having less sex and there are certainly no squirts. Yeah, I knew it, the lying SOB. Why does this guy have to lie so much when it comes to sex? He doesn’t lie about other subjects. Why can’t he just come out and face his fears? See, this isn’t just about his not being able to own up to his fears, it’s a game to him. It turns him on to turn me off, and boy let me tell you, I am turned off. I’ve never before felt this turned off. I’ve lost any ounce of sexual interest I could possibly have left for this man. I just have no desire for him in bed. It doesn’t detract from how much I love him, but by God, I’ve had it with him sexually. If we never had sex again, I wouldn’t miss it. He’s so scared and he’s so stubborn when it comes to sexual changes and he’s so obsessed with his games, that he can’t even show a little appreciation for me in bed even just once in a while. It’s a miracle I don’t want a woman. A woman not just inside my head that I fantasize about. I’m just so sick of the idea of sex with anyone. It’s not new and exciting anymore and hasn’t been for years.

Anyway, the liar told me that in 30 days we’d be screwing 2-3 times a week and he’d cum once a week. Well, in my letter to him, which I’ll give him on April 7th, I’m gonna let him know just how I feel for the last time. And I mean the last time. I’m tired of his sex lies and games in bed, I refuse to fight with him over sex in this house from here on out. Also, he is not going to control my reproductive system. Only God can do that. He will not con or manipulate me out of having a kid if I choose to do that someday. I won’t hesitate to use a sperm donor if that’s what I have to do, cuz this guy will never change, but fine. Now he can have his way; he can stay cumless and never hear me bring it up again. He’ll never have to deal with it. He can just stay the way he so obviously wants to be. Even so, I think I’ll always have some bitterness and resentment toward him for what he’s done to me. I mean, I may not want a kid right now, thank God, but how dare he fucking tell me in the past that he wanted a kid, yet refuse to do anything to help himself or to let himself be helped so he could make the necessary changes in order for me to conceive naturally if I truly could like he’s so sure I can. He had a lot of nerve saying he wanted a kid, then I try to help him and suggest he do things to help himself and see a doctor, then he turns around and bitches at me for trying to change him. That’s really fucking cold and insensitive. Meanwhile, I’m the one going through the painful testing. He won’t talk to no one, he won’t try stimulants, and this tells me something quite obvious - that he doesn’t want to change. He wants to be the way he is. Anyone who didn’t would try to get help. Not make up bullshit lame excuses and say that not talking about it, which is really a form of not dealing with it, will be their magic cure.

Later…

Today hasn’t exactly been a thrilling day. I couldn’t get to sleep till nearly 6:00 in the fucking morning, they fucking woke me up at 9:20, then when I got up with the alarm at 11:00 I was exhausted. I still am, too. Meanwhile, to top things off, fucking Dan just started with the engine-gunning. This cock cannot go one solid week without putting on a show, can he?

I started to get all psyched at the letter we did receive, believe it or not, from the Bowflex people saying we have been approved for the complete machine, but as I figured, there’s always a catch to good news. They wanted three references. One related and two personal. The relative one was fine, cuz Mary’s reliable, but as for personals, all we could think of was Paula and Kim. If they call these people, though, we can kiss the Bowflex goodbye, cuz I don’t even have Kim’s current number (I made one up), and you never know what a stupid, brainless idiot like Paula will say.

Again, can’t we just have something without the song and dance? Isn’t paying $53 a month for three years enough of a payment? Can’t we simply just have something?

Later…

Due to the fact that I haven’t heard any booms since being up, I wonder if I may have dreamt that they woke me up this morning. After all, I was kind of having a nightmare. I don’t remember what the nightmare was, but who knows? Maybe I dreamt it, maybe I didn’t. Tom was even insisting that he felt a slight shudder last Saturday morning at 8:30, but that I must’ve dreamt them waking me up an hour later, cuz he didn’t hear or feel a thing. I don’t know. I’m still going to try to get up around 9:00 regularly anyway, both because I want to and to be on the safe side. That way I don’t have to worry about being woken up. Sundays I’ll sleep in till they take my Sundays, too, and if they’ve flown on Saturdays I’m sure they’ll take that, too.

Another thing I’m not sure of is whether or not that was Dan’s engine and music I heard earlier, or was it the tractors that grade the roads? Those sound a lot like someone was revving an engine, only what I heard was softer, suggesting it was further away than Dan. God knows the roads did need grading after the rain. Also, the bass I thought I heard didn’t have a beat, and some big vehicles tend to sound bassy from a distance, so I don’t know for sure what I heard.

Yeah, the rain has finally quit. We had a lot of rain, too! It rained steadily for over 24 hours. No leaks!

Looking through the binoculars out the living room window, I discovered a bridge off in the distance. I don’t know what it is. I’ll have to ask Tom. I don’t know if it’s a bridge that cars drive over, or if it’s just a scenic walkway for people, which would seem a bit odd in such a low-populated area. I wonder where it goes and what’s under it.

I can see a flashing light from my office window at night way off in the distance. I’m pretty sure it’s where the crop duster’s airport is.

Scuttles is so cute in the way he sticks his head through the bars to have his head patted. He can get out as far as his shoulders. Ratsy decided to take an afternoon stroll. I was surprised he wanted to come out and run around at 3:30, being the nocturnal creature he is. He ran around the living room, the dining area, the bedroom, and the bathroom, then went home and back to bed. It still amazes me how these rats go home when they’re done exploring. Most animals wouldn’t do that and would run from you when you tried to get them to bring them home.

I called and left Paula a message letting her know that the Bowflex people may call her and that I used her as a reference.

I can’t wait to finally have that! At least I hope there are no more problems getting it from here on out. I may have lost a few pounds and toned down certain bulging areas lately, but man do I look awful! I’m flabby, sagging, and furrowed, not to mention a good 4-5 inches too big in most spots. I really hate my face and neck more and more. They’ve really gone to hell. I have ugly furrows running from the corners of my lips down, and a double chin from hell. Tom doesn’t think I have a double chin, but I say my neck’s definitely sagging and needs some picking up. He doesn’t even think I’m fat. He thinks my weight’s fine and all I need to do is tone up. I wish that were the case.

Later…

We were just out burning some trash. We could hear an owl hooting nearby. We also heard, but only for half a second, a thunderous rumble that sounded exactly like those jets. Are we getting into night flying now, too? God, I hope not!

MONDAY, MARCH 6, 2000 I didn’t shit yesterday and was so sure that even though I walked and watched what I ate, I’d be back to 124 pounds, but nope. I’m down to 121½!

Although I’ll still walk, today I’m taking a break and plan on treating myself to Dairy Queen like we have been on Mondays when we go to Circle K. I’m starting to doubt we’ll go tonight as we originally planned, but we’ll see. That’ll have to be up to Tom. For once they were right about saying we were in for some serious rain. Well, it’s been raining on and off since last night. I can barely see out my window and the heat’s been on during the day. Usually, it’s off by sunrise and is around 80º in here by the afternoon. Anyway, I guess we can still get out of here OK. He got home, after all. It’s not like it’s rained hard enough to wash the roads out. I can even see Gravity’s tractor tracks still. Hopefully, we’ll go out and I’ll see Jennifer. Then we can have predictable, boring sex when we get home, be it with or without him inside me.

Later…

I woke him up at 6:00 and we left shortly afterward. We had to drive really slowly through the dirt roads. The parts that get more traffic were really bumpy and shaky. Once it got dark, the wet dirt roads gave off the optical illusion of being paved roads with slush on them. It’s been raining steadily since last night and I guess it may continue to do so till tomorrow.

I didn’t get to see Jennifer tonight. She wasn’t anywhere around. They finally fixed the cappuccino machine, so I got my white caramel coffee and some Tic Tacs.

Dairy Queen’s grill was broken so we couldn’t get burgers. That was OK, though, since I am on a diet. I got some fries and that was enough to fill me up.

Right now, it’s off to work some more on my story, then walk, then get some boring sex, then who knows?

Later…

Sounds like the rain’s finally stopped out there. That’s why they let me sleep today. Tomorrow - who knows? I got up at noon today and am determined to get up at 11:00 tomorrow, 10:00 on Wednesday, and 9:00, the time I want to get up regularly on Thursday.

He’s getting ready to leave for work.

SUNDAY, MARCH 5, 2000 I just asked Tom what has become my famous weekend question - how many cars do you think are next door now to our old house? Yeah, how many? Six? Eight? Ten? I love it here! No dogs, no door slams, no banging in and out, no ball games, no nothing. No faint strains of music or Danantics, either so far. But tomorrow, although I’m not going to get up till noon, I’m sure I’ll be woken up by those damn jets a dozen times.

I forgot to mention that Friday night, we had a little campfire at 2 a.m. We burned trash while I toasted marshmallows. It was a moonless night and the stars were beautiful. We heard some distant dogs barking, and nosy, lonely Dan spied on us. Leave it to a lonely boy like that to be up that late. We saw his back light go on and off during the time we were out.

Tom looked online for ways to reink my cartridges, rather than buy new ones, cuz it’s a lot cheaper.

I was online downloading some wave files (sound files). I couldn’t believe the variety they had. They had everything from animal sounds, to weather sounds. They even had the president when he tried to bullshit us by saying he wasn’t having affairs, and lines from movies. I downloaded a couple of song clips, birds chirping, a toilet flushing, horses galloping and whinnying, and a coyote howling. I also got a clip of someone saying, “Hi, Jodi. How are you?” and “Bye, Jodi. See you later,” and “Hi, Tom. How are you?”

I finally got to see it rain in the daylight today. It just looked like water droplets were sitting on the skylight and didn’t rain nearly hard enough to run down the wash. For the most part, all we’ve had is wind, massive clouds, and scattered drizzling.

Woke up at 122 pounds today. Was it because I watched what I ate? Because I walked? Or both? Anyway, I’m sure I won’t shit today because of it, and that’ll set me back to 124.

I told Tom we should wait on the sex till he’s less stressed out over money, although, he’ll have a new problem once we’re not as strapped. Naturally, he went along with this without appearing to be one bit bothered by it. It’s just that I’m tired of the same old shit in bed. I can’t get into it anymore, knowing that he’s not into it. I’m sick of getting in that bed with him and knowing that one of only two things is gonna happen.

SATURDAY, MARCH 4, 2000 Today’s been quiet, save for the faint strains of music I thought I heard. If that’s what I heard, it stopped by the time Tom got to the door to listen to see if he could hear anything, too.

Last night I went to bed at 5:30 in the morning and guess who woke me up at 9:30 in the morning on a fucking Saturday? The fucking fighter jets! On a Saturday?! Now they’ve taken my Saturdays, too? I had planned to sleep in on weekends, but obviously I can’t. What am I going to do when they start flying at night and anytime I sleep is hit or miss as to whether or not they'll wake me up? I tried staying up, so I could be on a schedule where I got up around 9:00 to beat the flights, but I just couldn’t. I fell back asleep with no sound machine and with the door open and only woke up a couple of times during my sleep when Tom was in the kitchen. I’d only wake up for a minute, though.

I totally, totally hate God. I hate him! I tried for years to find the good in him and to keep in mind the good things he’s blessed me with, but I’m sorry. This, along with the hell he let us go through to get into this house was the final straw. The things he’s blessed me with are nothing compared to the things he’s cursed me with, anyway. For every blessing he’s granted me, he’s damned me a hundred times over. There is no place in my heart for such an unfair, hateful, cruel, vengeful God as him. He will never be forgiven by me. Never.

To think that my sleep is more threatened out here in this remote area than it was in the city when I had the freeloaders to deal with totally blows my mind. And what’s scary is that I’ve been right so far on just about everything I’ve predicted upon moving into the house. I was only wrong on my time frame as to when the renters would be a problem. Their time hasn’t come yet. But I was right about predicting more noise upon moving into the house. Since being in the house, we’ve got more bouts of music, the engine-gunning, and now these jets. It really bothers me to have yet another choice of mine stolen. Especially by strangers. I don’t even know these people, yet they’ve butted into my sleep like they own it. I’ll never be able to sleep past 9:00 without the 50/50 chance of being woken up.

Neither of us has had any apparent interest in sex, but I’m OK with that. I need to get cracking on my story. I’ve been neglecting it a lot lately.

Been walking 30 minutes a day starting the 1st and watching what I eat. I don’t know why I bother when I know damn good and well I’ll never lose weight or inches, and if I do, it won’t be enough to be all that psyched about. I guess old habits die hard and I keep rebelling against where my body naturally wants to be: at about 124 pounds. Be lucky I didn’t have that kid when I wanted one, I tell myself. I’d not only have lost my life, but I’d be in the 140s or higher.

THURSDAY, MARCH 2, 2000 Today was like it is 99% of the time around here - dead quiet. Just one little boom after I woke up, no music, and no Danantics.

I’m not looking forward to later on tonight. I almost dread it. Yes, it’s another round of fun in bed with my terrified and stubborn husband. I hate getting into bed with him knowing that only one of two things could possibly happen. Either we’ll have a cumless screw, or he won’t bother going in me at all.

Since we’re obviously not meant to have an exercise machine (and if we are, we’re talking way in the future) I started walking a half-hour a day on the walker. Like I said before - no, it doesn’t cause me to lose weight, it just makes me feel like I’m active. I’ve got to do something. Housecleaning isn’t enough, and the rest of the stuff I do isn’t even physical.

I finally heard from Paula. She called, and believe it or not, she just got the letter with our number. What took it so long to get to her? Anyway, there’s not much change on her end. Still dating married people regularly. This time, though, it’s a black cop, rather than some Puerto Rican. The cop’s been married for 17 years and has a few kids. I suggested that if she wants to play around, which is fine if she doesn’t want to commit, then why not try a single guy so she doesn’t have that third party to worry about? All she did was bitch about how the woman follows this guy left and right. Well, she certainly has a reason to be paranoid. While I was on the phone he called to tell her they had to lay low for a while. I swear, just like Andy, she’s not destined to have a loving relationship.

She was her usual selfish self, talking mainly about herself non-stop, but she did ask a few questions about me and I still did enjoy talking to her. She asked about the weather and if I’d been in contact with my sister or anyone on my side of the family. Oh, she asked about my weight too, after telling me she was up to 160 pounds. Getting heavy, I guess. She said it was cuz of a shot they gave her to keep her from getting pregnant. I asked her why she’d need that if she had her tubes tied, and all she said was that she had problems with that. Well, if she can get pregnant, she will. Not just because she’s a slut, but because God loves to sic kids on people like her. The trouble I predicted with Justin’s already starting. He’s beating up his classmates, thanks to the wonderful role model he’s got at home, and yes, she was threatening him as usual.

She said they cut off his SSI checks, saying he’s no longer handicapped. I guess he’s somewhat slow, but not so slow anymore. Anyway, she was bitching to me that all she’s going to get is $600 a month instead of $1,175, and was like - how am I gonna live! They have to give me welfare! So I suggested she get a job to supplement things since we know she can keep a schedule. She said I got her really thinking about it, but Paula can’t work. She really truly is disabled. Her temper will get her fired in no time if not her stupidity. She’s totally unreliable.

So, as you can probably gather, I have mixed emotions when Paula calls. I care about her and I do enjoy our chats, but she annoys me, too. She reminds me of how vengeful and unfair God is.

She says, for the hundredth time, she’s sending pictures of herself. Yeah, right! She’ll never send me a picture of her. Oh, she may be sending pictures, all right. Yeah, of her son and her car. Hell, she’d even send me a picture of her toilet before she ever sent me a picture of herself.

Later…

What is this? Is this guy on his way to becoming impotent, as well as cumless? He just cannot stay hard! I don’t know if he’s playing games, or what? He said he’s sorry he’s doing badly in bed. I asked him why, expecting him to say it was cuz of me, but he said that if he had to take his best guess, it was because we were financially strapped. But our bills are current, which is what’s most important, so who cares if we can’t get extra stuff right now? As long as the necessities are paid for, who cares? So we wait six months to a year for extras. Then he tells me he feels like a failure when he hears me mention things I want (like ink cartridges) that we can’t get for a while, although he understands I never intentionally set out to make him feel that way. Yes, we screwed up, and yes, others screwed us over, too. But we can’t live in the past and blame ourselves for the things we should’ve done differently or else we’ll all be miserable and have a hard time moving on. He shouldn’t feel like a failure and neither should I. We didn’t deliberately fuck ourselves up here, and like I said, as long as the necessities are paid for. That’s what counts. I understand his feelings, though. There are a lot of things I wish I’d said or not said to certain people in past experiences, and things I wish I’d done or not done. I’d take back not kicking the crap out of Barbara at the NHA any day. I’d take back my talking to Larry in the 90s any day, too.

The thing about it is that he may be having a hard time in bed cuz of money stress, but once we do have extra money, it’ll be something else. He’ll have some whole new problem in bed.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1, 2000 Tom got a raise which is to be effective beginning tomorrow and will be switching to a day job that was created especially for him (without overtime) within a month or so. He gets more money for working nights, but with the raise factored in, he’ll be making the same amount of money on days that he’s making now on nights. The question is - how much will this new job improve our lives? Will we really have more time to do things and will we do more things? I can forget about it improving our sex lives in any way. That’ll never change, thanks to his fears and stubbornness. It’ll always be the same old, same old, and I wonder if I’ll ever have the desire to cum by him again.

Last night I set up the blue card table in the retreat that Doe and Art shipped out to me when I first came out here (I drew last night, and still want to get another table for that room). That’s where the air bed is too, so he can sleep in there on that when his mother visits. If she visits. I mean, what do we have to offer her? We have no kids to entertain her with. Just rats, mice and dolls, and somehow I think she’d find that quite boring.

My allergies have been picking up lately. For a while, my lungs were even better than they were when I was on the prescription inhalers, but last night they were tight. For the last few days, I’ve woken up sneezing, so I pushed myself to dust and vacuum really well today, concentrating on the bedroom and getting under the bed really well.

Evelyn gave us a housewarming present - a stained glass rose that I hung in the living room window. It’s pretty. She said she figured she ought to just give that to him since we’re obviously not having a housewarming party. No, those are for the freeloaders and selfish people just like them.

We also got a strange thing that was thicker than a sheet, but not thick enough to be a blanket. Tom said he’ll ask Mary some time what that’s all about.

Last night I got pissed at Tom for being so moody that I said he was working on putting me out of the mood for sex and that he could just go play with himself for all I cared. A little while later, though, he came where I was reading in bed and we were laughing and talking and I assumed all was fine at that point and that he knew that, but when I brought up the subject of sex later, he was like - I thought you said no. Then he went on to tell me how he gets disappointed when we don’t do it. Could’ve fooled me, I told him. Then he said that just because he didn’t always show his feelings didn’t mean he doesn’t have them. Fine. Whatever. I just want the sex problems left in Phoenix to stay!

Later…

I woke up needing to pee at 9:30 after going to bed around 5:00. Right as I was drifting back to sleep, they boomed by in the sky. I knew this week they’d be booming as usual. In fact, they woke me up eight times between 9:30 and 11:30. Thanks, God. Nice to know I can always count on you to let me sleep well regularly no matter where I go. Anyway, I didn’t get up till 1:00 and I plan on inching my schedule back so I can be getting up around 9:00 regularly so I can sleep without so many interruptions. I heard them boom by at 3:30 and 4:00, too. It’s fine when I’m awake, though. It’s even neat to hear and feel. I just don’t understand why we never heard them in the trailer. Is this a new route God set up for me upon our moving into the house? Well, I did say it’d get noisier once we got in the house. I just didn’t know it would be due to Dan’s engines and the military. I thought it’d be due to the renters, but they’ll be a problem in time.

At 5:00 Dan was back to his engine-gunning, but fortunately, it was brief.

The address label people sent us seven different boring samples, but I’ll use them anyway, even though they put Tom Jodi Lin S on them and Not Tom & Jodi Lin S.

Later…

Jesus Christ! It’s actually been noisy today. The noisiest day since we’ve been here, anyway. First we had ten booms, and I don’t think they’ve ever boomed by that much in one day before. Then we had Dan’s engine-gunning, and then some music. It was that same music we’d heard three or four times in the past since being in the house. It’s either coming from the renters or from Dan, and it sounds like it’s definitely a car stereo and not a house stereo. Car stereos like that are a renter’s thing, and it’s also something Dan would have because we know he wants attention, so I can’t say for sure whose place it’s coming from. However, why have we heard it only four times in the last two months and not every day? This tells me it might be someone visiting either Dan or the renters. The music only lasted a few minutes, too.

Later…

I just looked out the window and saw Dan’s headlights as he drove in alongside his place, but heard no music. Hopefully, he’ll get out of the damn truck and go inside for the night, but we’ll see. Sometimes he sits there gunning his engine when he drives in from wherever, but I don’t hear him at the moment.

Strangely enough, I still never see lights on at night in the rentals.

[lifesimsshane]

How I play Sims 2 rotationally with spreadsheets

This is going to be a post that shows off how I play The Sims 2 rotationally and track my Sims with spreadsheets.

I do rotational gameplay, and yes, the YouTuber Pleasant Sims inspired me to play like this. If you want to learn more about rotational gameplay, or how I play my game, then I suggest that you watch this video by Pleasant Sims, because it's what inspired me to play this way because I liked the sound of it.

In short, rotational gameplay is when you play multiple families in the same town, in an order, for the same amount of time. So you play 3 days in one family, then play three days in a different family, etc. etc.

In my opinion, The Sims 2 is best for this type of gameplay, because when you leave a household, time freezes for that household and you can get caught up in another house. The same amount of time in game passes from when you start the "rotation" (I prefer to call them "rounds" though) as to when you end it.

Census

I use a Google Slides spreadsheet to keep what I call my "Census" of Pleasantview, and I do "bookkeeping" of the data of my town in general. Such as, tracking which year it is in the household, when Sims are born, their names and previous names. I usually keep it on my second screen and update it each day at midnight. See below.

On this Census, I track what year it is in the household, which round the household is on, their first and last names. I usually set the oldest Sim in the household to be the "founder" and then everyone else's relationship to the founder. (Kinda like a real census would). I keep their birth year, age, life stage, and other information like their aspiration, highest Education, previous surnames, gender orientation preference, and careers.

I group Sims together by household and who lives with who.

So currently in the Goth household, Mortimer Goth, Cassandra, Don, Dina, and the others live together. But Alexander Goth is now a young adult, going to college, and he is in a separate household.

I have my game modded to where 1 day = 1 year, and my current rounds are one Sims-Week long, ergo, 7 years pass in each round. Since this game came out near the end of 2004, I decided to start out each household in 2005 to represent a full-year.

So since it started in 2005, Round 1 lasts seven days/"years." Once it reaches 2011 in game I stop playing that household, and play the next household until I get through all the households in game.

Round 2 will start in 2012 and end in 2018. Round 3 will start in 2019 and end in 2025, etc.

My goal is to get through 5 round right now, which will be around 30 years passed. Since I just finished round 1, so I have a while to get to this goal.

The family play order when I started was:

Lothario, Goth, Caliente, Broke, Dreamer, Pleasant, Burb, Oldie, Langerak.

Aging

- Pregnancy/Unborn is modded to be 18 hours

(Note: since one day is one year, then "9 months" would equate to 18 hours). I'm fine with this because with the normal settings, it'd be a three day/year pregnancy which wouldn't make sense and playing pregnant Sims is awful, anyway). - Baby, 2 days (ages 0-1) - Toddler, 3 days (ages 2-4) - Child, 7 days (ages 5-11) - Teen, 7 days (ages 12-18) - Adult, (If my Sim doesn't go to college) 46 days (ages 19-65) - Elder, can live from 9-30 days (ages 66-95)

Since time passes differently when Sims 2 sims go to college, I use a mod so that college that lasts 8 days in game, and one year in college = 2 sims days to keep up the 4-years, because you need the extra time, believe me.

if my Sim went to college:

-> Young Adult (ages 19-22, 8 days) -> Adult, (ages 23-65, 42 days)

This is NOT what I do in Sims 3 or 4. Sims 2 just had a weird university system where you can only go to college and be a "young adult" directly from being a teenager or you age into an adult and don't go to college.

Naming conventions

So, I am TERRIBLE at coming up with names in the Sims so I found a naming convention system that works for me. And yes, it involves another tab in my census spreadsheet.

Basically I have a list of unique names I found from real life, or that I got from a baby-naming website, grouped by first letter and gender.

In order to keep the names interesting and varied, I will always use the next letter in the alphabet that has the least amount of names in town

The last baby born in game was named Imogen. The next letter in the alphabet that has no Sims in the town is the letter O, so I marked this row yellow to remind myself. Whenever the next Sims-baby is born, that baby's name will begin with the letter O and I use whichever one of the names calls out to me. After that I will mark Q as yellow, since the next letter with no names is Q.

This also makes me kinda excited to get Sims at some point with unique names, especially when we get to the VWXYZ part of the alphabet.

I also keep track of how many of each letter is in the town to keep it somewhat balanced and varied and also try not to repeat names so I don't get confused.

So like, there are 6 D-names in Pleasantview, meaning that there probably won't be any more D-names for a while until those Sims die.

Dead Sims

I haven't had to use this yet because I've had no deaths, but once a Sim does die, I have a secondary tab on my spreadsheet for "death records" where I will move their data, and include info on their death so they aren't on the living census. I put in a placeholder for now to give an idea of what it'll look like.

Other gameplay rules?

Honestly, this is enough for me to keep track of! However, I also want to say that I plan on capping most families at having 3 kids because if I don't, there will eventually be WAYYYY too many families, so some branches of some families may never have children. I don't want my world to become too overpopulated after a couple generations!

Also I highly encourage marrying the random townies and not just Pleasantview residents, because if you don't, The Pleasantview family trees end up becoming a family wreath and everyone gets related to everyone at some point... And yeah, this blog ain't promoting any incest.

Why play like this?

So I used to play the Sims with just one family, or try to start a big legacy, but I would get so bored. This way, I'm always playing with different Sims and it keeps the game interesting. I also love the Sims 2 Pleasantview's residents and their lore, and wanted to finally tell some stories with them.

The spreadsheets were a bit tedious at first, but now that I have it made it's great for keeping track of everything.

Soon, I'm going to actually share what's happened in the past 7 years of Pleasantview during Round 1.

[c7thetumbler]

Quick Game Reviews: February 2024

Ayo, let's keep this train rollin!

Shorter month and I didn't have the sudden influx of games from the winter sale, so not a whole lot, but a few worth talking about I think. Also I did get lazy with the banner

Image from the promotional screen shots on the steam page

Quake II: Expansions and 64 (Steam)

I did them all!

At the time of the last Blog post I had only played through the base game and a little bit of Call of the Machine. I won't spend too long on it, but about halfway through Call of the Machine I was very much over it. It's definitely possible that by focusing so hard on doing all of the Quake II content I burnt myself out on it, and that these weren't meant to be played so close together. It's also possible that having an entire lifetime of experience with games and going back to this one kind of ages its gameplay and makes it less fun? Not sure.

That is to say, these expansions weren't bad. They definitely realized that restarting your loadout was a more fun way to play and allowed you to ramp up, as well as refining level design to be harder and more interesting. That being said, It gets very same-y very fast and the levels were getting so complicated that using the compass to find out where I was supposed to go turned into an instinctual habit after every skirmish. There was a lot of back tracking, which for the most part they mitigated by releasing some enemies or changing the level somewhat, but also a lot of "look for this one thing you push against or shoot that you may not know about" that was more frustrating than interesting.

Narratively they were all pretty fun; the mission objectives, as obtuse as they could be, did a good job of tying into the feeling that your were progressing through alien bases and environments, getting closer and closer to your ultimate goal. All in all, if you like the base Quake II game and want more of a challenge, they're going to scratch your itch, but be prepared for some frustrating quick loads and jump/navigation puzzles.

Separately, Quake II 64 was interesting because due to the limits of the N64 the levels were much more concise and focused. It's definitely the shortest of the Expansions, each one of the others rivaling the length of the base game while 64 takes about 2-3 hours, but it was interesting seeing how they managed to accommodate console players while still having a faithful experience. It did however have some frustrating moments I can't imagine were fun on a controller.

Image from the Shadow costume DLC page on steam

Sonic Superstars (Steam)

This one. Oof.

So to kick it off: I paid $30 for this game. That should've been its launch price, as while it *technically* has more zones than the other classics (11 vs 8), three of those zones are 1-offs with only one act, and several of the acts in the other zones are gimmicky.

It's greatest crime however is that clearly the developers knew what made a classic Sonic game. The movement feels pretty good; Sonic's drop dash makes a return from Mania to become his unique gimmick vs the other characters, and it works really well vs. His old gimmick of activating w/e shield he had or shining. However the levels just... aren't that good. There's a few in there that are fun to run around, but a lot have gimmicks that are pervasive through the whole level and just aren't that fun. For example, the Press Factory Zone has two Acts, where Act 1 has a giant press in the background that slams into the ground at regular intervals, causing your character to jump up higher than usual involuntarily if they were on the ground. This was clearly fleshed out in the level's design, but it's just not *fun* to have to deal with. Act 2 changes that with a death machine that kills you instantly if you don't push buttons scattered throughout the level frequently enough, which just kinda sucks as a mechanic. I don't want to be panicking through the whole level and wishing it was over, but that might just be me.

This misunderstanding of what makes classic Sonic fun (and I believe a focus on single screen multiplayer) also led to it's most talked about issue: the boss fights. They suck. Like the best ones are bad, and the worst ones are some of the most frustrating experiences I've had fighting Bosses in video games. Worse, these bosses are at the end of every Zone, and at least half of the Act I zones also have bosses. I believe that this was an opportunity to slow down and have all multiplayer characters on the screen doing something at once, but it just isn't what I'm here for in a Sonic game.

The Final boss in all 3 "stories" is different per story, but none are less frustrating than the others. They all rely on instant death mechanics, have way too much health, have long phases where the player cannot do damage, and absolutely no rings in them (sans the last boss) to help you through, so you run out quite quickly. I spent several hours between all three of the bosses, and would not be surprised if it made up roughly half my playtime. They were also seemingly allergic to letting you use Super <character> in most fights as well, clearly thinking "Oh that trivializes it" and intentionally extending invincibility times long past their visual iframes (over twice as long, in some cases) in order to prevent cheese.

Did I have some fun with it? Yes, but only in the moments where it let me run through the levels without getting slammed by some bizarre gimmick or boss, and those aren't that common here. I'd pass on this one; Sonic Mania + is still peak classic Sonic and I don't think it's going to get beat anytime soon

... anyway I 100%'d it

Screen shot from the Steam Page

Bots are Stupid (Steam)

I played this one for like maybe half an hour before realizing I wasn't in the mood to play a lemmings game. I have no strong opinions on this as a result! Seems fun enough if you're into that.

Image from the screenshots on their steam page

Plants vs Zombies: GotY (Steam)

Gonna post this screenshot to show just how long it took for me to re-pick-up a shelved game I promised I would 100% later:

I got this mid 2010, and finally decided to revisit it now. And I did it! I 100%'d it! I couldn't do it back then, when I was a dumb little...

17 year old...

.. Old popcap games hold up better than wine. You should play it, and no other PvZ entry, and I'm done with this review actually

Screen shot from the Steam Page

moon: Remix RPG Adventure (Steam)

This is a modern rerelease of an old anti-rpg that was on Playstation, brought to you by the brilliant minds behind Chibi-Robo, Little King's Story, and Captain Rainbow. I hadn't even heard of this before some friends started playing it on Discord and I was like "Oh my god I love these designers!"

It's got everything I like about those games aesthetically: Wacky character designs, a strange world, some funny and obtuse dialog and all of that can range from very funny to mildly unsettling (in a positive way). You play as a young kid who got isekai'd into a SNES styled RPG world, and you must find "love" to progress through and I assume escape. You can do this by helping out the NPCs of the world and by saving the souls of the "monsters" that the original protagonist, the brave knight, killed to level up and exp. Getting love levels you up and allows you to stay awake for longer, allowing you to travel further into the world and well into the night in order to solve all the problems and puzzles of the people inside it.

It's fun, but it can get a bit... complicated and confusing. While the charm of the characters and world had me coming back quite a lot, I found myself stuck with no clue how to progress after a while, and often wasted entire in game days waiting for something to happen or trying to activate an event, only to be incorrect as to what that event was. Eventually I looked up a spoilered guide to help me along, but even that was tricky to follow and involved waiting for a number of in-game days to do something I never would've thought of, and eventually I put it down. Someone more patient could probably get a lot of fun out of this game, and indeed I did while I was still able to figure out what to do, but eventually it gets a bit too unclear for its own good

As the image says, this is from the thumbnail to the games announcement in a Nintendo Direct

Mario vs. Donkey Kong (Switch)

It is wild that after writing that review for Sonic Superstars, I have to come out and say that it'd still be a better bang for your buck than this one.

Don't get me wrong; it's a pretty fun game to play in bite-sized pieces and when it was new on the GBA it was definitely worth it. Now though? It's a very weak entry that doesn't really stand out among the multitude of much more clever puzzle platformers that have released in the 20 years since.

I give Nintendo a lot of flak for their pricing structure, from Pokemon always overcharging for any classic rereleases (when they even bother), Link's Awakening releasing for the full $60 price tag, DK Tropical freeze selling for MORE than it did on its original console despite not adding anything other than an easy mode. They're an easy target for this kind of criticism, and it's well deserved.

This one though is especially egregious. The original GBA game had a scoring system that, while archaic, combined collecting all of the collectibles and racing against the clock into one system. Rather than modernizing it by adding any sort of friend leaderboards or nuance to scoring that makes it difficult to level out, they removed it entirely. Instead, there's your normal mode where you have lives (that actually serve no purpose) where you collect all of the things, and then a new TIME ATTACK mode, which has to be entered separately and does not consider your times in the levels otherwise. You also have to unlock it by beating the game. If you're a 100% freak like me, that means you have to replay the game a bare minimum of twice.

It's pure padding for the sake of it, and it shows. Additionally (and spoilers I guess), apart from a small file screen reward for 100%ing the normal levels, there is absolutely nothing for getting all the time attack medals. It's a huge waste of time, and feels like a mobile game with its simplicity.

In terms of improvements, there's very little. The game looks fine, like any other modern Mario spinoff, but that's where it hurts. SMRPG remake made a point to stick to original style to make a great modern imagining, Mario Wonder heavily stylized itself to stand out against its other 2D platformer outings, but this game chose to be exactly what you'd expect with little attention to flair or style. Where the tiny in-engine cutscenes of Mario running after DK on a flat plane and yelling 14 times on the GBA was quaint, here they're lazy and hollow, especially when they did bother to render out the other cutscenes. It's definitely better looking than the faux 3D the GBA had to go for, but again fails to stand out against any recent Mario game, with even Super Mario Party feeling like it made more of a point to portray character expression than this.

... Oh, There's 2 more worlds. Gameplay, right, I should talk about it. There are 6 levels, 6 plus levels, 2 boss fights, and 2 extra levels per world. Generously, that's only 30 additional levels, which sounds like a disservice to say "only", but consider that most levels consist of mainly 2 screens area to traverse and take a couple minutes max. These new worlds aren't really ground breaking either; The one they like to show off in promotional videos revolves around a windy flower mechanic which is interesting, but not expanded upon well. The other one is an ice world, where the gimmick is that you slide. It's as fun as it sounds.

Basically, If you've ever played the GBA version of this, give this a pass entirely; you're better off not spending any money for an essentially identical experience with practically no gameplay improvements or additions. If you've never played it before, it is worth no more than $10, and given that it's a $50 Mario game with a physical cartridge release, that's not going to happen anytime soon.

That price is also taking into account that you, yes you, right now, can find and emulate GBA games *for free*, so like if you really want to fill in your Mario experience with some classics... it's right there, you can just do that without waiting for Nintendo to sensibly price their game.

Image from the promotional section of their steam page

Corn Kidz 64 (Steam)

I'm not really sure what the Corn stuff is about, nor if there's some deeper lore or aesthetic this game is referencing, but it's an N64-style 3D collect-a-thon so yes absolutely I'll give it a go.

I spent a surprising amount of time on this one; it's a lot more involved and fine-tuned then a lot of my recent Indie 3D platformer experiences, which I enjoy. It reminded me a lot of playing Banjo Tooie as a child, where the world had a lot of different platforming challenges and some parts of it need to be unlocked or activated before you can progress or understand what you're supposed to be doing. The humor's very N64 Rareware as well, combined with some early 2000's teenage looks and jokes.

The game itself only consists of 3 worlds: a tutorial, the second world (which is where you spend most of the game) and a final linear challenge world. Despite that though you'll probably be spending a good amount of time looking for everything in order to progress out of the second world and to the final level, and the game doesn't over or under-stay its welcome. My only complaint is that sometimes it's very unclear what you're supposed to do next, and if you're not paying very close attention to the world you may miss a platforming challenge that leads you to the next thing you need to collect, or you may see something that you can't interact with yet but seems like you may be able to. It could do with a couple more hints, in my opinion.

It's a very good callback to old N64 era BK and Conker, and for only $7 it's definitely worth a purchase!

Image is official promotional material, though I found it on the Splatoon Wiki

Splatoon 3: Side Order (Switch)

This one snuck up on me, which is a pleasant surprise. My favorite part of Splatoon has always been the side content and single-player stuff, and the Octo Expansion in Splatoon 2 was my favorite content in the series so far, so I was excited to see this had dropped. And it did not disappoint! There seems to be a trend where DLC with Pearl, Marina, and Agent 8 is the best content in the Splatoon series, and the replay-ability on this one is welcome.

To summarize, you must ascend a spire in Marina's new game project (They even show you her laptop, which has splatooned Unity & Premier Pro interfaces while explaining plot), with Agent 8 and the Pearl drone. The tower is 30 floors tall, 3 boss fights, and each floor has 3 options for what upgrade and challenge you want to take. Upgrades take the form of Color chips, which you place in your Palette to add or increase your abilities to make the rest of the ascension better. It is incredibly Slay the Spire, but instead of different characters and cards you have different palettes, and it's always worth grabbing the color chip whereas skipping cards in StS is a must.

It starts out pretty tough (after the tutorial), but not so bad it's discouraging. There are several currencies and key items; Membux are essentially score you are rewarded with (harder floors give you more) that you can spent mid-run on Vending machines (rest floors) to get different side weapons, specials, or chips. Prlz (like Pearl) are the reward currency you get upon ending a run, where your chips and membux are converted to score and then to Prlz, which you then spend on hacks Marina has that unlock more stuff for future runs and make them easier. Locker Keys are given every time you clear a boss fight for the first time per palette, with 3 keys available per palette and each palette has its own favored color chips, main, side, and special weapons that represent a Splatoon character. These keys unlock lockers that contain some goodies like more palettes and lore rewards. There's a lot of content there.

I had a lot of fun with this one! The variety in color chips and palettes helps carry the repetitive nature of ascending the tower, and the number of unlocks ensures that for the most part you wont run out of reasons to keep playing until you've beaten the boss with all the palettes. I will say that there is an issue with the number of different bosses though; there are only 3 sub bosses (floors 10 and 20), and only one top boss who has no variety, which gets very tiring when you have to beat him no less than 12 times. The floor variety will also see you getting a lot of repeats, but the difficulty levels and randomized objectives carry those a lot better.

If you have Splatoon 3 already and enjoyed the single player content, this is more good stuff. That being said, the $30 expansion pass on top of the $60 base game is steep, so if you're not into Splatoon already then this is probably also not gonna scratch any itches.

[averill-loves]

I had this weird dream in late Jan so I figured I'd put it here, because why not?

This was a weird dream. I was at a school, probably the current age I am now, and we were doing ACAP testing.

However, earlier in the dream, we had been (me and another student, can't remember her name or if she had one) transferred out of the "Good" class (our class) and into the "Evil" class (our new class). We walk in, the rooms mostly empty. It's different from the "Good" class. We take a seat directly next to each other, making her be on my right, in the front row.

Our teacher came in later (not walked in, she was already in the classroom, but she didn't start speaking until later), she was a tall, pale, dirty blonde woman. She didn't teach us anything. There was a ""skip"" in the dream, and we immediately went to ACAP testing. So, as normal, we got up and our computers. The teacher warned us they weren't numbered. I looked down at my hand, seeing the number "717" written on pen and smudged. My friend had a number too. It started with 6.

We grabbed our headphones, those shitty little headphones the school gives you, walked back into the classroom and sat down as before.

I opened up my computer, and upon opening it I see that the last guy to use it didn't close his tabs. However, this is where it starts to get weird. I immediately knew the person who had used this before me was Ranboo(yes, the streamer. weird, I know.) I scanned through the open tabs, strange weird related questions, games, tabs that I can't close, and finally, my (ONLINE) school website. I click the wrong tab, instead opening a calendar named "How to make the world a better place", with the Ranboo crown logo decorating the bottoms of each day, the colors were his but they were the wrong saturation. Mushy greens.

'I don't remember it looking like this' I thought to myself, only to click on the right tab like it never happened. Across the screen, in big bold letters, I see a name. "Ranboo." There was my confirmation. I didn't stay on the tab long. Only long enough to get my confirmation. But I have vague recalling of math and science being on there. Browsing the other tabs, I see they have changed. Only the school website is there. The fish questions are still there, but they are different. When opening the group I couldn't close before, I see the tabs are different. More colorful than last. I can close them this time.

So I do. It continues on like this. I closer tabs, seeing things range from innocent game tabs to COD, but every time I do only more tabs come in their place.

I start to question myself. Does he have multiple windows open? Why are there so many tabs? I look at the time, seeing it is 2:27pm. 2:27? That can't be right. I've been here less than 30 minutes? It feels like hours.

I don't know how, but someway somehow, the tabs come to an end. I open up the tab I needed. But this was star testing. I don't question it. Not my place.

I stand up, giving my computer to the "Evil" teacher. I tell her the test needs a password. It changes before my eyes. It's a different format now.

In a panic, I tell my teacher I'm going to the bathroom while she puts in the code. From her seat, my friend gives me a look. I leave the room quickly, scurrying off to the bathrooms. I see a table with the computers and headphones. But I don't stop. I come up to the bathrooms. Gray marble walls -- maybe they were doors?--- with two girls messing with the others.

A redhead and a brunette.

I ignored them, somehow getting into these bathroom stalls. It was open at my back, but I had a clear view of the door. It was too far away, I couldn't touch it. The layout never seemed to stay. Sometimes the layout of the bathroom stall was more triangle or more like a hall.

The two girls, the redhead and brunette, started bothering me. Banging on the door. The brunette going as far as to come in the stall to tease and mock me. I don't remember the exact words she said. But I can remember flipping her off aggressively with a sour expression, watching her back out of the room like a broken npc.