#he got him a competitive freak russian son

[dumbasssportsboys]

every move danny has made has been in service to his ultimate goal: getting claude back

[kairoscelrosis]

ST: Into Darkness

So I watched into darkness after a really long time, and for the first time after watching ST: WOK. And I liveblogged it.

*spoilers* 

Jim's so disappointed that Enterprise got taken away from him. owo

Aahh Carol Marcus is British

Scotty has a moral compass (which I feel TOS Scotty does as well)

When Kirk learns that Spuhura are fighting, and then the lift opens and Spock's about to enter, he looks at both of them. It really gives me the vibes that he knows both his partners are angry at him 😂

Bones McCoy: a dictionary of metaphors

Yaayyy Sulu on the chairrrr

Whaaatttt???? Sulu references Mudd (Harry freaking Mudd) in the movieeee!!!!! (He says: Acting Captain Sulu to Shuttle Bay 2. Please have the trade ship we confiscated during the Mudd incident last month fueled and flight ready) !!!!!

"If you test me, you WILL fail."

The way Bones' expression changesss 😂

"Mr. Sulu, remind me to never piss you off."

"I am not the only one who is upset at you. The Captain is too." "No no no no don't drag me into this."

"She IS right" spirkkkkk

"Captain we will not fit" "We'll fit. WE'LL FITTT."

"I told you we'll fit." "I am not sure that qualifies." 🤣

Why do the Klingons look so different???

Why is Benedict's voice so deep? Like deeper than usual.

SPUHURA 🤢🤢🤢🤢

Tho i hate that a british dude played KHAN, you can't deny Benedict's Khan has charisma

Carol Marcus says "I am a friend of Christine Chapel's" like what??? JJ do you even know that Christine would never be engaged with Kirk in a romantic relationship??? That he's not her type??? 🤢

"Any idea what caused it?" "No sir. But I expect full responsibility." Aww my baby chekov 🥺

"Jim? You're gonna wanna see this." Ooohhhhhh

Okay... so wasn't this Khan a dictator as well? Or like, did the Eugenics war never happen in AOS? Did JJ do this so that Khan would be morally grey? Cuz he loves Benedict? IDK

"I'm sorry." Ohh Kirk my bby 🥺🥺

SCOTTYYYYYY HELL YEAHHH YOU ARE A MIRACLE WORKER *cries in jimmy doohan*

"Captain, I strongly object." "To what? I haven't said anything yet." Bitch you really think he doesn't sense your crazy ideas?

"'The enemy of my enemy is my friend.'" "An Arabic proverb attributed to a pronce who was betryed and decapitated by his own subjects." 🤣🤣

Grab at the shoulder and "I cannot allow you to do this." and an almost "Jim"

"The Enterprise and her crew need someone in that chair that knows what he's doing... and that's not me." You can hear my heart shattering into a million pieces in the background.

How Jim's about to cry during that dialogue 🥺🥺🥺

Is there like... a competition going on between Pine and Benedict Cumberbatch trying to decide who's eyes are bluer???? Because I can't see anybody winning

"Captain. You can't even guarantee the safety of your own crew." Ooohh I so wanna punch you in the face. 👊

Aaaahhhhh TRIBBLLEEEEEEE

New Vulcaaaannn!!!! Our Spock's coming baaaackkkkkk yaaayyy

Aahh Sulu you are so talented

"This door is very wee. I mean, you know, small" 🤣

"It's gonna be like jumping out of a moving car, off a bridge, into your shot glass." "It's okay. I've done it before" Khan: 👀

"It's not easy. Just give me two seconds, all right, you mad bastard!" 😂😂

Bones, sitting down to watch the most scary movie of his life: Tell me this is gonna work.

Spock, shivering with fear in his seat: I have neither the information nor the confidence to do so, Doctor. 😂😂😂😂

Bones: 👀 👀 Boy, you're a real comfort.

Omg Sulu's so nervous and worried 🥺

I actually kinda DO like the transitions.

"You're big." 😂

"Spock, if I get back, we really need to talk about you bedside manner." Why is everyone so pbsessed with bedside manner in Star Trek😂😂

Scotty 😂😂😂 wheezing and panting, complaining he can't do it but he does 😂😂😂

Shitt the momentum!!! How would they have filmed that??? Rolling and rolling and rolling

LEONARDDD NIMOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

"Mr. Spock." "Mister Spock." Aaahhhhhhhhhh you both wanna kill meeeee 😂😂😂

He deserved that slap!!! GO CAROLL!!!!

"Where'd ya find this guy?" Ohh Scotty 😂

Spock!Prime really be like, "I can't tell you about it, but I am my own master, so I will. 😂

"Khan Noonien Singh is the most dangerous adversary the Ebeterprise ever faced. He is brilliant, ruthless, and he will not hesitate to kill every single one of you." *cries in Ricardo Montalban*

"Did you defeat him?" "At great cost. Yes." Aaaaahhhhhhh how would you know the great costt spocckkkkk😭😭

The sudden appearance of the man scared the shit outta mee😂😂

"Where's Khan?" AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JIM SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO SPOOCCKKKK

Yaayyyy "Damn it, man, I'm a doctor not a torpedo technician!" 😂😂

"This way." Whewww.

Aaahh he's awakeeeee.

Yesss that's my Jim Kirk. No killing. Yes.

Aahhhhhhhhh. Wtf why're you punching Jimmmmm

Aahh Carolll ahahhh

Omg wtfffffffff nooooooooo frickfrickfrickfrickfrickk that was baaaddd

"Oh, you are smart, Mr. Spock." I really do wanna punch you in the face.

I will repeat myself. Having said that a white dude playing Khan is irritating, Benedict really does play him well.

Aahhh the ploy is same like the one in ST: WOK!! This time, it is Spock playing the game!!!

"Vulcans do not lie." Spock lies.

"No ship shoild go down without her captain." *silent screaming*

OMG he's firinggggg

"He armed the damn torpedoes." Is that pride I hear, Kirk

"Not bad, Commander." "Thank you, Lieutenant." XDDDD

Smarty pants Spock XD

WTF is Uhura doing in the Med Bay???

"Good to see you, Jim."

"Spock's cold, but he's not that cold. I've got Khan's crew." Awww :))))

"Seventy two human popsicles, safe and sound in their cryo tubes" POPSICLES😂😂😂😂

"Son of a bitch!"

"I hope you don't get seasick." 😂

"I will remain behind and divert all power to life supprt and evacuation shuttle bays." 🥺🥺

Sulu: Shut up, BITCH.

"I order you to abandon this ship!" The voice his voice cracks 😭 Who says Spock doesn't feel????

"All due respect, Commander, but we're not going anywhere." YEAAHHHH SULUUUUU GOOOO

"One day I've been off this ship! One bloody day!" Same, Scotty, same.

Hah. Running on walls😂

CHEKOV MY HEROOOOOO

Smart baby Chekov exclaiming in Russian.

"The ship's dead sir. She's gone." 😭😭😭

"You're not making the climb" JIM NOOOOO OH GOD YOU SELF SACRIFICING IDIOT.

Jim coming back to belt Scotty into place 🥺

How's he gonna do that????

Aaahh that oit of the clouds shot justttt 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩

Sulu's so HAPPYYY uwu

"It's a miracle." "There are no such things." Wait till you get to know Spock.

"Sir, you'd better get down here. Better hurry." *traumatic WOK flashbacks*

"How's OUR ship?" "Out of danger."

"That's a nice move." Is Jim referring to Chess????? You really have the nerve to do that???

"It is what you would have done." "And this, this is what you would have done." *TOS 😭😭😭😭*

"It was only logical."

"I'm scared, Spock. Help me not be."😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"I do not know. Right now I am failing." 😭😭😭

"Because you are my friend."😭😭😭

That Vulcan kisssssss 😭😭😭😭😭

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JIMMMM

KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Why tf is everyone wearing those weird goggles???

I don't like Zoe Saldana as Uhura AT ALL.

The way Zach's bangs are flying😂

BONEESSSSSS 😭😭😭

Yeaah yeah yeah yeah yeah that tribbleeee

How tf did spock jump that high???

Why doesn't he like nerve pinch him???

Why can't they use the blood of the man in the cryo???? They have the same blood right???

"You get that son of a bitch back on board right now!"

Ohnonononono he's tryna crush Spock's skull.

Shit Spock why so angry NOOOOOO

Yeah Spock stops when he hears the name 'Kirk'.

"You were barely dead." 😂

"Tell me, are you feeling homicidal? Pwer mad? Despotic?"

"Uhura and I had something to do with it too, you know." Ohh bones😆😆

Spock called Kirk JIMMMMMMMMMMM

But, like, why didn't they kill Khan off??? He can be awakened again, can't he??? Like????

I love their formal uniforms!!!

Yaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy my introooooo 🥺🥺🥺🥺

"C'mon Bones, it's gonna be fun."

"Five years in space. God help me." 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The fond look Spock has on his faceeeee

And on Jim's face toooooo

"I defer to your good judgement, Captain." 🥺🥺🥺

[the-real-xmonster]

The Olympic Men’s Free Skate Queue

Yuzuru’s StSq

Hello Alice! I’m sure that Seimei have gotten a level 4 Step Sequence in another competition. What do you think might cause it to get only a level 3 in the Olympics?

Why did Yuzu's StSq get a lv3? And did you see TAT and Yuzu hugging?? Sooo cute!! Did Yuzu get coached by her? They seem close, like mother and son

I’m so relieved and happy for Yuzu... I’ve seen a bunch of people complain that he got a level 3 on the stsq, but is it just me or was he a bit out of time with the music for the whole thing? Wouldn’t that downgrade him?

TAT and Yuzu hugging and she showering him with kisses was so freaking cute I had to punch a stuffed animal and down a shot of espresso (because I don’t do alcohol) to restore my cold-hearted bitchiness after I saw them. I don’t think Yuzu has ever got coached by her officially but they are quite close. He respects her a lot and she absolutely adores him, thinks the world of him really!

For the anon who asked me who TAT is: Tatiana Tarasova is a prominent Russian figure skating coach and is currently the Russian national team’s adviser. She is a legendary coach and is a highly respected authority in the figure skating world. Incidentally, she was the person who suggested Yuzuru to skate to Notte Stellata :)

So, on to Yuzu’s Seimei StSq, it got a level 3 the other day because of this turn:

This was from his first combination of difficult turns. He was going for a rocker-counter-twizzle combo there, but you can see on the close up on the right: his counter was jumped, as in he didn’t keep his blade on the ice throughout the turn. This mistake cost him an entire level, because one of the features for a level 4 StSq is you must have two valid combinations of difficult turns done on different feet. It also happens that from the 2017-2018 season, the ISU rule has changed so that only the first combination attempted on each foot can be counted. So even though in this Seimei StSq, Yuzu had an additional combination on the left foot, that one was not counted either for level purpose.

Yuzuru’s Score

Hi... If Yuzu went Clean with his free program as he planned, how much his score could be? I’ve done a rough calculation and I found that he could broke his total score record with that... what do you think about it?? Thank you ☺️ P.s : I really love ur blog

The most material mistake Yuzu made in the FS was on the second 4T. When he failed to put that jump in combination, he lost at least 11 points. The intended combo was 4T+1Lo+3S, which, in the second half, is worth 16.72 in BV. With the 4T in REP, he lost 30% of that jump’s BV and got also negative GOE for the step out, earning only 5.87 on that element. 

He also lost a couple points on the last 3Lz. So, yes, considering that his final total score of 317.85 is 12 points below his WR of 330.45, if he hadn’t made those two jump mistakes, he’d have broken that WR for sure. 

Yuzuru’s Ankle

Aaaaand back at worrying about Yuzu's ankle. Why??? :((

Alice, he was wonderful. He was so wonderful. Yuzuru Hanyu is the greatest of all time. I hope he feels all the love like a warm and soothing hug. It sounds like his ankle has ways to go, so everything crossed that he takes the time to let it heal completely. What a champion. We are not worthy. Now for the ladies. *dies a little*

So happy that Yuzuru was able to overcome his ankle injury and do THAT at the Olympics! Do you know if he plans to attend Worlds now?

did he touch his ankle bc he was in awe that it allowed to perform like this or bc it hurt?? in so emo rn ajdhsjsj

His ankle is still a cause for concern, since it obviously is far from being fully healed. Yuzuru himself said that he skated throughout this week on painkillers and he’d need to get his injury examined again after the Games. The jumps in the second half of Seimei caused him visible trouble and pain so when he went down to touch his ankle after the skate, I’m pretty sure at least half of it was because it really hurt.

I can’t believe I am actually saying this, but I sincerely hope that he would withdraw from Worlds and allow his body all the time it needs to recuperate. 

Yuzuru’s Plan

Hi, what a day! Do you think Yuzu will try to put the 4Lo back in the programs in next month's Worlds? I can't help but think that he loves SEIMEI too much to let it go without raising the difficulty one last time.

Its still hard to believe today. We all knew he was going to win yet we had our doubts. I am just wondering, if nathan continues to do 6 quads, how will yuzuru improve seimei to have a higher technical score?

Nobody knows yet whether Yuzu is planning to compete in Milan - I think even he himself cannot say that for certain right now. If he eventually decides to go to Worlds, I hope it is because he is fully fit, in which case, yes, I think he is going to bring back the 4Lo. I don’t think he needs to factor in Nathan’s 6 quads while deciding his layout. Nathan’s 6-quad free skate still ended up with a lower score than Seimei at NHK 2015, you know, the one with, like, 3 quads in it?

Nathan’s Free Skate

Thoughts on Nathan’s free skate?

It was a redemption and I am happy for him. Other than that... he landed 6 quads and that is the only thing I remember from his skate. There was hardly any connection between his jumps in transitional terms, or connection between his jumps and the music, or connection between him and the audience. To give that program anything more than 8 in any component score is utterly ridiculous. I can accept that he won the free skate, but it was by no means imaginable a 210+ program. 

I hope I won't stir up anything by asking this, but had Nathan skated a clean SP, would he have won gold in your book? I'm just curious and your personal take is always refreshing to me. I hope this question isn't annoying. Also I love your blog. I legit check it every week. I learn so much from just reading your posts. Thank you for your time and patience. :)

Yes, theoretically speaking, Nathan could have won the competition if he had skated a clean SP. But, also, theoretically speaking, Yuzuru could have skated a clean free skate too. If we continue along that line, both of them could have bombed and Javier could have won, or Shoma, or Boyang, or Vincent, or Patrick, or anyone, really. That’s what a sporting competition is all about: any competitor has a chance to win, and the result is ultimately determined by what each and everyone of them delivers, not in theory, but in reality.

Javier and Shoma’s Placements

Why was Javier behind Shoma? Asking cause I know nothing about tech and to me Javier looked like he skated a cleaner and better set of programs

It was a matter of base value. Javi was scored higher than Shoma in PCS in both the SP and FS and I think the gap more or less adequately reflected the difference in their program components. The final base value of Javi’s FS is 19 points lower than Shoma’s (a gap widened by Javi’s mistake of popping the second 4S into a double, which lost him about 10 points) and that’s the main reason he lost. 

On Shoma’s base value, though, there’s this:

Hi Alice! Sorry to bother you, but could you take a look on Shoma's quad loop (the one where he fell) in his free skate in Pyeongchang? I heard a lot of people saying that it's underrotated, and I thought that I'll ask you for an unbiased opinion. Thanks a lot!    

Yes, his 4Lo was very much under-rotated:

There you can see how he landed at over 90 degrees short of rotation. From this angle it’s hard to say for sure, but I suspect that his blade touched the ice even earlier than that, around this point:

If the tech panel is strict, this level of miss in rotation can even result in a downgrade of the jump.

As it happened, his 4T in the combo was borderline, too:

So, all else being equal, and considering how close their total scores were, if the technical panel had made these UR calls on Shoma’s jumps, the Silver very well should have gone to Javi.

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, October 5

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Cops in the Crosshairs

Page 2: Fears for the health of Ryan Seacrest as Keeping Up with the Kardashians which is his cash cow is being put out to pasture -- Ryan is pulling his hair out about the potential loss of revenue and racking his brain trying to come up with something that can replace it 

Page 3: Ellen DeGeneres is in a panic fearing she may lose her daytime TV show and wife Portia de Rossi in the wake of the scandal that’s tarnished her once pristine reputation as the Queen of Nice -- Ellen is in the deepest funk of her life as most of her high-powered Hollywood pals have been ghosting her and she is convinced there may be no coming back from this -- what’s more Ellen is concerned additional bad news may drive away her wife Portia 

Page 4: Kelly Clarkson has vowed to remain silent about the nightmare behind her divorce from Brandon Blackstock to protect her kids -- Kelly is known for oversharing but she’s keeping her lips zipped about Brandon because she never wants her children to know how bad things really were with their dad 

Page 5: Cardi B’s divorce filing from Offset described her marriage as irretrievably broken -- Cardi accused Offset of cheating in 2018 five months after the birth of their daughter Kulture and Offset seemed to own up to his infidelities on Instagram -- following the massive success of WAP Cardi finally listened to pals who have been telling her to toss the cheater but she wants the break to be amicable and will accept a joint custody arrangement for Kulture 

Page 6: Kanye West is crowing he personally engineered the downfall of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and that he’s the one calling the shots in his marriage to Kim Kardashian from now on -- Kanye hated the show and his constant negativity wore Kim down and killed it for her too and without her it couldn’t possibly go on -- Kanye believes Kim’s appearance on the show was at the heart of all their problems and now that she’s out of there he’s got every hope they can fix things 

Page 7: Endless renovations at their Los Angeles mansion have left George and Amal Clooney at each other’s throats and the feuding twosome are on the brink of a $500 million divorce -- the construction work which has soared over budget to more than $1 million has confined them to close quarters with their twins Ella and Alexander and they’re constantly bumping heads, love-hungry Katie Holmes is heading for a showdown with new boyfriend Emilio Vitolo Jr.’s scorned ex Rachel Emmons who was blindsided by Emilio and now she’s demanding answers from both him and Katie -- Katie knew Emilio was engaged to the designer but launched a steamy fling with him anyway and Rachel is not finished with Emilio or Katie by a long shot 

Page 8: Hollywood Hookups -- Ray J and Princess Love split again, Kaia Gerber and Jacob Elordi dating, Cassie Randolph gets a restraining order from Colton Underwood 

Page 9: Queen Elizabeth snubbed Tom Cruise’s request for a private chat and it’s got the snobby superstar’s nose out of joint -- the Scientology poster boy got the bright idea to drop in on the British royal while filming the latest Mission: Impossible movies using London as a base because he is a huge royal fan but so far no one from the palace has responded and Tom’s ego is hurt because almost no one refuses the opportunity to meet with Tom and no isn’t a word he’s used to hearing and being ignored happens even less -- Her majesty would barely know who Tom Cruise is and he’d be just another American pipsqueak to her and Hollywood is not exactly her favorite place at the moment 

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Kristen Taekman of The Real Housewives of New York City in California, Riley Keough at the beach in Malibu, Frances McDormand offered the Vulcan salute before the L.A. screening of her film Nomadland, Jennifer Lopez at a lunch date in NYC, Bruce Willis out and about in Brentwood 

Page 11: A skin cancer scare has friends of sun-worshipping Caitlyn Jenner worried she’s playing Russian roulette with her health -- Caitlyn recently revealed a doctor took all the skin off her nose and reattached it to patch up a skin cancer scar -- she’s been treated for skin cancers on her cheek and nose but she’s a self-confessed tanning freak and can often be seen playing golf under the blazing California sun, Sofia Richie is getting revenge on ex Scott Disick by flirting up a storm with Will Smith’s son Jaden Smith and a string of other studs -- her phone was ringing off the hook with hot guys wanting a date and now that Sofia’s finally got Scott out of her hair she plans to show him what he’s missing

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Gavin Rossdale plays tennis (picture), Kelly Ripa is fuming over Drew Barrymore’s new talk show and it’s been made clear to A-listers if they appear on Drew’s show they will not be welcomed back to talk with Kelly and Ryan Seacrest any time soon and the competition between talk shows to book big-name celebrity guests has never been more intense, there’s a new stud in town at ABC and it’s got World News Tonight anchor David Muir’s knickers in a twist because weekend anchor Tom Llamas is horning in on David’s spotlight, Britney Spears and her little sister Jamie Lynn Spears are looking for a home together because Jamie Lynn has accepted that she’ll need to help look after Britney for the rest of her life and Britney can afford to buy a house with separate wings so they’ll each have their privacy but Jamie Lynn can keep an eye on Britney 

Page 13: In the latest sex scandal to hit the Fox News network senior legal analyst and former New Jersey judge Andrew Napolitano is battling back against allegations he sexually abused a New Jersey man in the 1980s, frail Ryan O’Neal reconciled with daughter Tatum O’Neal after 17 years but he’s a long way off from doing the same with son Redmond O’Neal -- ailing Ryan has distanced himself from his only child with the late Farrah Fawcett since Redmond was arrested and charged with attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon and brandishing a knife and battery in 2018 -- Ryan sees Redmond’s troubles and demons as his alone to conquer and may even cut Redmond out of his will 

Page 14: Crime

Page 15: Reality show train-wrecks Kate and Jon Gosselin have renewed their toxic battle as the bickering exes engage in an ugly war of words over child abuse charges 

Page 16: Goodfellas movie gangster Ray Liotta has taken his whirlwind romance with brunette stunner Jacy Nittolo to the next level by tying the knot -- his new bride’s father was a real-life killer Stewart Woodman who was found guilty in 1990 of the execution-style slaying of his parents, Zac Efron’s summer lovin’ with an Aussie waitress seems to have already hit a sour note -- Zac has been living the high life Down Under with Vanessa Valladares since he hit up her boss for her number two months ago but by early September the pair were caught on camera in an outdoor cafe reportedly locked in a heated argument about their future -- this has been a fun fling for Zac but the reality is he has to head back to the U.S. and attend to his career while Vanessa is just a kid and her whole life is in Australia 

Page 17: Denise Richards is ditching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in a desperate bid to save her marriage -- the endless rehash of former co-star Brandi Glanville’s allegations they shared a same-sex fling despite Denise’s denials has pushed her relationship with alt-medicine guru Aaron Phypers onto life support 

Page 18: American Life -- I was trapped in wildfire hell 

Page 19: Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood plan to tell their story in a no-holds-barred documentary -- the country duo hopes to mimic the success of Walk the Line which was a biopic about Johnny Cash and June Carter’s fiery romance and they’ve been talking to producers and writers -- they’ll also discuss their weight battles and food binges and how they got back in shape with clips of Garth working out and Trisha whipping up some of her healthier meals 

Page 20: America’s colleges infested by spies -- enemy nations using top schools to steal vital secrets and recruit moles 

Page 22: They Stayed After Partners Strayed -- cheating scandals that couldn’t tear star couples apart -- Jay-Z and Beyonce, David Letterman and Regina Lasko, Woody Harrelson and Laura Louie 

Page 23: Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith, Kevin Hart and Eniko Parrish 

Page 26: Jaime King is locked in a vicious war with estranged husband Kyle Newman who has accused her of being a chronic drug addict and alcoholic and cleaning out their bank accounts -- Kyle also claims Jaime was abusing drugs during her two pregnancies and that their son Leo was born addicted to opiates -- Kyle said he makes $750 a month now as a writer and claimed he had to give up his directing career to look after their family and after their unsuccessful settlement talks in June he claimed Jaime went to Canada to film her show Black Summer leaving the boys with him for four months without support or any funds 

Page 27: Hoops phenom Maya Moore recently revealed she married Jonathan Irons the man she put her high-flying sports career on hold for as she helped free him from prison following his wrongful conviction more than 20 years ago -- Maya considered one of the greatest WNBA players ever ditched the league in 2019 to focus on social justice issues and secure Jonathan’s release -- Jonathan now 40 was only 16 when he was slapped with a 50-year sentence for burglary and assault in Missouri 

Page 28: Cover Story -- Cops in the crosshairs

Page 32: Acting legend Diana Rigg’s dying regret was that she never took advantage of the steamy chemistry she shared with Avengers co-star Patrick Macnee -- their sexual tension drove the series and young Diana always wanted to make it a reality but Patrick was married to Katherine Woodville at the time 

Page 34: Health Watch 

Page 36: Film femme fatale Sharon Stone is 62 but griped that folks are still angling to get an eyeful of her rack -- she compared her situation to Marilyn Monroe’s where she did movies that mattered but she still couldn’t get completely out of being that thing, Duane “Dog” Chapman claimed his late wife Beth haunted him after he found new love with fiancee Francie Frane 

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Robert Pattinson 

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- Laurence Leboeuf and Kenny Wong on Transplant 

Page 47: Odd List 

[mhalachai]

*sidles in* May I know what this idea about BiW Vitya as Natasha's biological father?

you mean AKA the uncertain custody storyline no one asked for?

The super-short version: Viktor finds out that a fling in his early 20s resulted in a baby, goes on a mission to find out a) if it’s true and b) if the kid is okay, and through the power of love and understanding (and Natasha’s 9-year-old infatuation with Mila Babicheva (it’s right after the 2018 Olympics K)) Viktor signs over his parental rights and Steve becomes Natasha’s second adoptive father, and everyone is happy if not a little wistful when thinking about what might have beens (I have Firm Opinions on adoptive families ok)

That’s the 91-word summary. 

But how about the 4070-word version?

Okay so backstory for those readers who aren’t into all the fandoms: Hands of Clay is a Marvel Cinematic Universe domestic kidfic AU where Bucky Barnes (the Winter Soldier) adopted Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow) as a baby and Clint Barton (Hawkeye) is the son of Steve Rogers (Captain America) and Sharon Carter (Agent 13), and Bucky and Steve meet up again after years apart and fall in love over the course of 300K+ words etc. Blood in the Water is a Yuri!! On Ice preternatural AU in which Viktor Nikiforov (Russian figure skating mega-star) ‘s mother is a rusalka (aka a murderous Russian water nymph) and Yuuri Katsuki, Viktor’s husband and figure-skating coachee, is confused a lot of the time.

K it does sound a little weird when I write it out like that.

SO THE STORY GOES A LITTLE LIKE THIS

In the original Hands of Clay, Natasha’s mother was an undocumented Russian teenager living in New York and she had the baby and was like K I’m out and handed the baby over to hospital authorities and noped on back to Russia (or Canada, I wasn’t clear where I left that) and before infant Natasha could be adopted out of foster care, she caught whooping cough and ended up in the hospital for months and her social worker (Nick Fury) spotted a newly demobbed Bucky Barnes one day and was like “hey! Come meet this tiny infant “ because Nick watched Bucky in the Rangers for 8 years and was a pretty good judge of character and anyway tl;dr Bucky ended up adopting Natasha and the story begins 4.5 years later when Natasha is five.

In the HoC/BitW mashup, the mother shifts to a young woman (like early 20s) with whom Viktor Nikiforov had a wild week-long fling in mid-2008, then they parted ways with seeming no further thought. Only, surprise. The mother wasn’t sure what to do; like, she really didn’t want a kid but she didn’t want to have an abortion and she gave a bit of thought to finding Viktor and handing the kid over, but she procrastinated on the details until month 8.5 when Natasha was born early and the mother took a look at the baby, said “hey you can name her Natasha,” signed over her parental rights for adoption, and went back to her life. And see above for whopping cough and adoption by Bucky etc.

Now: the mash-up begins in March or April 2018, soon after Yuuri has won a gold medal in Men’s Figure Skating at the PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics. Viktor, who has retired from competition (for real this time), gets a letter from someone (probably not the woman; maybe a parent or grandparent who bears more of a grudge against Viktor for “robbing” them of a grandchild) telling him about the baby and the details, and Viktor is understandably floored. Flabbergasted. Flummoxed. His first reaction is to think it’s a hoax, as he has been the victim of extortion attempts before. But Yuuri takes it far more seriously, and asks Viktor if he really wants to follow up on it, or if he would rather not know if he has a kid somewhere out in the world.

Without getting into the epic back and forths (and how hard Yakov rolled his eyes when Viktor said he might have had a kid with some mystery woman when he was 20) Viktor ends up engaging a lawyer in New York to open an inquiry with Child Protective Services to see what happened to the child. There’s a lot I don’t know about adoption law in New York but as Viktor never knew about the child and never terminated his parental rights, there could be Ground For Something. Viktor doesn’t know what, just… he remembered what it was like to have a caregiver who hated him, and being abandoned by his only parental figure, and he has to find out what happened.

The lawyer does their legal thing. Which lands in the lap of Nick Fury, deputy director of New York's Child Protective Services. Who in turn goes to visit Bucky to lay this all out for him, because it’s several months after Steve and Bucky got married and they’re in the process of having Steve adopt Natasha legally, only this throws everything into chaos.

Bucky freaks out, briefly considers taking Natasha and moving to Omaha where this possible birth father can’t find them, then calls Steve at work who does two things – one, calls the lawyer who is helping them with the adoption (Jennifer Walters, Bruce Banner’s cousin and legal rock star) and two goes up to Tony Stark’s lab and says, “Tony, I know we’re friends and I’ve never asked you for anything in my entire life,” and Tony’s panicking, like does Steve have cancer? Is it brain cancer? (Tony spends a lot of time worrying about brain cancer) and Steve goes on, “Someone might try to take Natasha away from us, we might need help,” and bam, Tony’s there.

Once Jennifer gets in touch with Viktor’s lawyer, the first suggestion is a paternity test to see if this is even a thing, and that means that Natasha has to be told about it. She’s nine now, and understandably freaked out by everything, but Bucky has always been really clear that they’re a family and he is never letting anyone take Natasha way from their family, and that calms the girl more than it calms Bucky.

(Clint’s understandably wrathful and upset, which is a change in such an easy-going kid, and he gets into a little trouble at school and there are some Very Special Conversations that have to happen)

The test results come in and there’s a paternity match, which kind of destroys Bucky a little bit more on the inside, but Steve’s not daunted, he’s ready for battle. There’s a back and forth with the lawyers and Jennifer comes to them with a suggestion, that they have a short meeting with the birth father and his husband, where he can meet Natasha, as his lawyer has indicated that his client was unsure on next steps to take. “This is good news,” Jennifer assures Bucky and Steve. “If he was certain he was going to sue for custody, the papers would already be filed with the judge. Talk to him, and show him that Natasha is in the best place here.”

“You think he’ll take one look at us and just decide to go back home to Russia, after all the money he’s poured into the lawyers so far?” Bucky demands.

“I think it’ll be more chance of a positive outcome if we can convince this guy that there’s no reason for anything to change,” Jennifer retorts.

So they arrange for a meeting at Steve’s office in Stark Tower (“Because, Bucky, this way he doesn’t know where we live, and there’s the security staff on every door in case he tries anything, all right?”) and Clint’s angry he’s not included and has to be in school that afternoon, but Natasha just brushes her hair and makes sure she’s very cute in her school uniform (Natasha knows how to use Cute For Her Own Purposes) and she’s so nervous but Bucky has told her three times that this is just to say hello, and if anyone tries anything, well, Bucky was in the Army and he knows how to Handle A Situation (Steve was not in the room for this part of the conversation).

And then Viktor and Yuuri show up.

They’re ushered into the meeting room (one of the more impressive ones, Steve’s flair for showmanship is showing) and there’s this super-awkward moment of omg what do we do then Steve’s on his feet and going over to introduce himself and shake hands, and Yuuri’s so nervous he almost trips over a chair and Viktor can’t take his eyes off Natasha, and on the other side of the room, Bucky is shook. Because Natasha is the spitting image of her biological father (or, to Yuuri and Viktor, she looks exactly like Viktor’s mother).

Steve introduces Bucky, and hands are again shaken, and Natasha hasn’t moved from her seat by the window because, nervous and none too happy. Everyone sits down and there’s a moment of silence before Natasha decides that she’s had quite enough of the adults deciding things about her life; she’s nine and practically grown up.

“Hi,” she says, nice and loud so everyone knows she means business. She looks at Yuuri. “You have the same name as a figure skater.”

Yuuri goes a little pink in the face. “I am the figure skater.”

All of Natasha’s plans come to a screeching halt, as This Changes Everything. “You are?” she exclaims, sliding off her chair. “We did a whole unit on the Olympics in school, we watched everything. I love the figure skating the best, it’s like dance and I love dance!”

There’s a tiny smile on Viktor’s face now, but he just sits back and watches.

“Oh!” Natasha’s mouth falls open, and her eyes get wide. “You won the gold medal! Do you know Mila Babicheva? She won the gold too!” Natasha clasps her hands together in infatuated joy. “She’s so pretty, and funny, and she broke two world records!”

“Yes, I know Mila,” says Yuuri. “She trains with us in St. Petersburg, that’s where we live. But you should ask Viktor, he trained with her for far longer than I’ve known her.”

Natasha turns her attention to Viktor. “Why, are you a figure skater too?”

Yuuri’s head nearly explodes, as the idea of someone asking Viktor freaking Nikiforov if he’s a figure skater too, but Viktor just smiles. “Yes, I was,” Viktor says. “I retired just before the new year began.”

“So you know Mila?”

“I do.” Viktor pulls out his phone, and scrolls down in his pictures. “Mila is a good friend. She babysat our dog Makkachin when we went to visit Yuuri’s family last summer.”

Natasha scurries closer to look at the picture, and Bucky has to make a real effort to not grab his kid and run out of the room. But so far, things are going well.

“That’s a cool dog,” Natasha agrees. “We have a dog, his name is Lucky! And Mila looks so happy! Is she really nice?”

“Mila is very nice,” Viktor says, putting his phone away. “I can get her to send you an autographed poster, if you want?”

Natasha jumps up and down in glee. Her infatuation with Mila started hard during the Olympics, and she’s watched all the video clips of Mila’s performances on YouTube. A real poster signed by Mila herself would be so awesome!

“Nat,” Bucky says, unable to stop himself, “Come on.” He beckons her over, and she goes to cling to his arm.

“Dad, did you hear?” she squeals. “Mila is going to sign a poster for me!”

Bucky puts his hand on Natasha’s back, feeling like he’s going to throw up. But he has to keep a straight face and not screw this up or he could lose his little girl. “That’s great, honey. But these men are here to talk about you, not Mila.”

Natasha subsides, but she’s still full of happy energy.

Viktor reaches into the small bag at his side. “I did not know what is the proper etiquette in this situation, but I brought you a present.” He pulls out a small framed painting. “This is of St. Petersburg, in Russia. This is the place I live, with Yuuri. This is where my family comes from.”

Natasha looks at it, but it’s far less exciting than talking about Mila Babicheva. “Thank you,” she says dutifully. “Do your mom and dad live there now?”

Viktor, after setting the painting down, makes an apologetic motion with his hands. “No. My mother, she died a very long time ago. My father, he moved to America when I was twelve, to teach at a college near Boston.”

“Oh.” Natasha considers this. “What about my mom?”

Viktor’s smile freezes on his face. Steve jumps in. “Natasha, remember what Nick Fury said. Your adoption was a closed one, so we can’t know anything about your mother.”

Natasha twists her fingers up in her shirt.

Viktor clears his throat. “I can tell you a few things about her,” he says cautiously. “I can tell you that you have her hair, and green eyes like her.”

Natasha looks at him, her green eyes shining.

“And when I knew her, she was very smart, and very funny, and very kind. She had a very nice laugh, and loved to tell jokes. We Russian people do, you know.”

“I like to tell jokes, too,” Natasha breathes. “And I’m smart, too!”

“I have no doubt.” Viktor’s smile is halfway back to normal. “Are you in school?”

“Of course I’m in school.” Natasha’s indignation makes Viktor smile more. “I’m in the fourth grade. And I’m in ballet, and I take karate and judo and I’m really good even if I’m short.”

“Ah, short people have lots of energy,” Viktor says.

“You’re in ballet?” Yuuri says at the same time.

“Yeah.” Natasha scrunches up her nose, something Viktor does when he’s frustrated, and Yuuri’s heart skips a beat. “I’m okay. Madame says I don’t have the passion necessary for a prima ballerina. Which is dumb. My karate sensei says I’m full of…” She thinks a moment. “Unbridled intensity.”

Bucky pats Natasha’s back. “Ballet is more of a team activity here,” he says. “Martial arts lets Natasha be more individualistic.”

“I understand,” Viktor says gravely. “I like figure skating for that very reason.”

Natasha goes back to her chair and sits down regally. “Tell me more about you,” she demands. “What’s your job?”

“Currently, I am a figure skating coach and choreographer,” Viktor replies. “I also skate in ice shows. But alas, I have had to bow out of competitive skating. I am too old.”

“How old are you?” Natasha asks.

“I am twenty-nine.”

Natasha turns to Yuuri. “I know you’re twenty-five,” she says. “It says so on your Wikipedia page. I read it. I read all the wiki pages for the figure skaters.”

“I am,” Yuuri acknowledges.

“Are you married?” Natasha asked, her eyes round.

Viktor and Yuuri exchange a glance. “Yes,” Viktor says. “We were married last Christmas.”

Natasha accepts this without batting an eyelash. “That’s neat. My dads got married last summer, and I was Dad’s best man, and I had a really pretty dress and I got to make a speech and everything.”

“That sounds very fun.”

“It was.” And this is where Natasha fixes Viktor with a steely glare, something she’s picked up on from watching Bucky over the years. “And then Steve was going to adopt me so I’ll have two dads, but then you came around.”

“Yes,” Viktor says, very quietly. “I did.”

“Why?”

Viktor isn’t smiling now. “Because when I learned about you, I did not know what had become of you. In Russia, children without parents sometimes go to orphanages, or to homes that are not safe. I did not know how it happens in America.”

“I’m not like that,” Natasha counters, kicking her feet. “I already have a good dad, and a good home, and a good school, and once Steve adopts me I’ll have another dad and a brother and a grandpa and aunts.”

“I am very glad to hear that,” Viktor says.

Bucky stirs. “Nat, honey, can you go out and talk to Billy and Noh-Varr for a little while?”

Natasha whips her head around. “I want to stay here.”

“Honey.”

“You’re going to be talking about me,” she grumbles, but she slides off her chair and goes over to Bucky’s side and hugs him.

“Just for a few minutes,” Bucky promises. “Go on.”

Everyone is quiet until Natasha leaves the room. Once the door clicks closed, Bucky looks at Viktor sort of like he wants to dump Viktor’s body in the river.

Viktor appears not to notice the aggression, although Yuuri is getting more and more nervous. “Has she ever been sick?” Viktor asks with extreme Russian casualness.

Bucky’s gripping the arm of his chair so hard with his metal hand that there’s a quiet cracking sound. “The normal childhood stuff,” he grinds out. “She caught whooping cough when she was an infant, in the group home before I adopted her.”

“Oh,” Viktor says, his brow furrowing as his hair falls over his eye. “”That is bad, yes?”

“Yeah.” Bucky makes himself let go of the chair arm before he has to pay Stark for the ruined furniture. “She nearly died. The doctors were surprised that she survived, but she did. She’s got asthma and sometimes she has breathing problems, but other than that she’s healthy.” Bucky fixes Viktor with the same glare that Natasha had used minutes earlier. “What about you? Any sickness in the family we need to know about?”

Viktor’s still for a moment, utterly still, then his small, press-ready smile is back. Yuuri inches his chair closer to Viktor’s so he can press his knee against his husband’s. “No. My father’s father drank himself to death before I was born, but he grew up under Stalin so that is no surprise.”

“What about your mother?” Steve asks. “You said she was dead?”

Viktor’s expression doesn’t change. “She was murdered,” he says evenly. “Drowned, if you must know. And before you ask, it was not by my father.” Viktor brushes an imaginary speck of dust off his suit sleeve.

“We didn’t ask,” Bucky puts in.

“Ah, but many do.” He looks at Yuuri, and Yuuri can see the tension in Viktor’s posture. “We should go.”

Yuuri’s on his feet in a moment. “Where can we send the poster for Natasha?” he asks.

Everyone else rises. “You can send it here,” Steve says. “I’ll make sure she gets it.”

And this is the point where Bucky just snaps. “You can’t take her away,” he blurts out. “She’s my entire life.”

Viktor, who for once in his life doesn’t know what to say, manages to get out, “I will have my lawyer contact you,” and he moves towards the door, Yuuri in tow. Yuuri looks back to see Steve holding Bucky’s hand, but then they’re out the door.

In the lobby, Natasha is sitting with the Stark Foundation’s two-person marketing team, grumpily hole-punching papers. She jumps up when Viktor and Yuuri appear. “Are you going?” she asks suspiciously.

“We are.” Viktor walks over to her, pretending to ignore the very obvious security detail stationed by the front door. “It was very nice to meet you today, Natasha Barnes.”

Natasha looks between Viktor and Yuuri. “You too, I guess.” She scuffs her shoe on the carpet. “Are you still going to get Mila to send me a poster?”

“We are,” Viktor confirms. “Now, run along back inside, your father will want to see you.”

Natasha leaves at a run, and Viktor walks out the door without a backwards glance.

It isn’t until they’re in the cab that Yuuri asks, “What are you going to do?”

Viktor is looking out the cab window again. “I told myself that I wanted to see she was not going to grow up like me.”

Yuuri, who by this time knows what terrible things Viktor’s grandmother did to him, puts his hand over Viktor’s.

“And she is not,” Viktor went on. “She is too happy, too confident, to be like me.” He squeezes Yuuri’s hand. “And then I thought, what would happen if I took her to live with me?”

“Viktor—“

“She would hate me,” Viktor says over Yuuri. “She would hate me just as much as I hated my father for ripping apart my life.”

“Viktor.”

Viktor finally looks at Yuuri. “I cannot do it,” he says. “I cannot make decisions for someone else’s life, not like that.”

“Her dads seem nice,” Yuuri ventures.

Viktor nods. “She is happy, and she is smart, and she is growing.” He makes a face. “And in spite of my mother’s influence, she seems… normal.”

“Yeah.” Yuuri pats Viktor’s hand. “She looks a lot like you.”

Viktor sighs. “She is the picture of my mother, only...” He says something in Russian that Yuuri doesn’t quite catch. “How do you say, more blood in her?”

“Fire?” Yuuri understands, though – Viktor’s mother, although ethereally beautiful, is more like a ghost than a real being, with her silver-blonde hair and milk-white skin. Even Viktor himself looks as if he’s never seen the sun. But the little girl they had just seen, she was full of energy and life and colour. “I saw it too.”

“Which is good.” Viktor leans sideways, resting against Yuuri’s side. “That something so good can come from such tragedy.”

Yuuri rests his head on Viktor’s shoulder. “You’re here,” Yuuri says quietly. “You’re good.”

Viktor exhales. “It makes me happy that you think so.” After a minute, he leans forward and asks the driver to take them to his lawyer’s office.

Anyway. The Barnes-Rogers family spend a nervous night then the next day Bucky packs the cranky and sleep-deprived kids off to school, kicks Steve out of the house to go to work, goes for a five-mile jog with Lucky, and gets back to a voicemail from Jennifer that says Nikiforov’s lawyer is going to be at her office at eleven and Bucky better motor his ass down there. He shows up armless, hair still wet from the shower, to find that the lawyer has the official documentation from Viktor Nikiforov terminating his parental rights.

“But,” the lawyer adds while Bucky’s trying to breathe through his heart attack, “My client would like to maintain contact with the girl. Birthday cards, maybe an in-person visit while he’s in the country.”

“Only at my client’s approval,” Jennifer says smoothly.

“Of course.” The other lawyer stands. “Mr. Barnes does retain full custody and all parental rights.” He taps the paperwork on the table. “I’ll leave you to file this with the courts, Ms. Walters.”

After Bucky all but hugs Jennifer, he drives to Natasha’s school and pulls her out of class. She shows up in the headmistress’s office completely terrified, but one look at her dad and she’s hugging him.

“Steve can adopt you now, sweet pea,” Bucky whispers.

“We’re going to be a real family,” Natasha cheers.

“We’re already a real family,” Bucky corrects her, so goddamned relieved that he can’t stand up. “We’re always a family.

Then he pulls Clint out of class and Clint cheers too, and he packs the kids in the jeep to drive to Manhattan to surprise Steve with the news and everyone who’s around (Tony, Bruce, Pepper, and Rhodey and Carol who are in town on business) have a spontaneous ice cream party to celebrate.

As for Viktor and Yuuri, it takes Viktor a while to be able to verbalize his feelings, and while they’re on the way to Milan for that year’s World Figure Skating Championships Viktor is finally able to express that while he would always wonder what would have happened had things been different and he had gotten Natasha as a baby after her mother walked out, he thinks things are for the best they way they are now.

Yuuri is 40% sure that Viktor is talking out his ass, but at least Viktor knows he’s there for him if they need to work through things.

So most of it’s a happy ending, some of it is wistful, and then there’s the comedic effect we get when Viktor asks Mila to sign a poster, in English, to ‘Natasha’:

“Sure,” Mila says, uncapping the sharpie Viktor thrust at her. “Who is this Natasha? One of your fans?”

“My daughter,” Viktor says proudly, and Mila accidentally punches a hole through the poster with the pen, while a passing Yurio walks into the wall.

PS they all keep in touch and Viktor sends tickets to Skate America in the fall of 2018 and Natasha gets to meet all the skaters, and take a selfie with Mila Babicheva, and it’s the best few days of her little life, and as Natasha gets older, she builds a relationship with her biological father.

And they all live happily ever after.

[cooltyrantface]

Hit me below the belt

One of the rules of the Gentleman club is: Find you a girl that is a Times Roman in the streets and a verdana in the sheets.

That girl was (supposedly) Nelly (like the rapper). [there was quite some resemblance between her and Nelly the Rapper, otherwise my brain was playing tricks on me(again) on some cause-relate bias]

We met at Rotaract, but I initially saw her at AIESEC. It was her first time, and probably her last time. She told me: “I found it boring”, which personally was kind of ironic considering how actually boring I think Rotaract is, and as a former AIESECer, id say those were the good times. It was lit.

These things are relative, and had she stuck around the MSS, her experience might have been different. She was also the VP of Rotaract so brand loyalty? She had to root for her team and disparage the other (competing) team.

We saw each shortly after that during the Journey meeting. The one that had an African theme. The Thursday Jeremy had come around for a sleepover, and I had either deliberately or circumstancially (I don't know) showed up anyways in the Leopard print coat, the grey shirt and the SONY headphones.

It was chance. I was dressed up for the party. I was oozing in confidence and totally had a time of my life. I cheered, rather too loud for my norm. I sat on the writing board on those JKUAT seats with this girl, appraising the models, judging the performances, watching everything.

After the event, there was a small sort of after-party. There was a DJ turning tables, then the rest of us on the dance floor (the cleared center stage of CLB 00-something) were in two crews, facing each other like a dance-off, though it wasn't a competition. We were just having fun, from the hype guys on the front row showing the rest of us the dance styles to move to the songs. I was on the front row but more like a cheerleader.

We danced like crazy, and I especially, with my two left feet and sedentary lifestyle was making a fool of myself and sweating through every pore and every hole. Nobody seemed to care, especially me. I was watching her on the other side and she was sweating too. She was smiling too, with those demonic eyes that make me want to do some very bad things to her. (Cue in MGK and Camilla Cabello).

Since then I had seen her around, on various occasions, around my place in Gate A. She lived nearby. We passed each other on the streets, barely a word being said between us, only exchanging looks that hinted recognition. That went on for months, until a few weeks ago…

It was a Monday evening. I had been invited for the Rotaract meeting by Fatuma (more about her later) who was also an official at the club. I accepted the invitation.

I entered the room half an hour past seven; a little tardy by all standards; a little drunk after a drinking session with my bud Ron. I sauntered into the room like a Russian spy and sat quitly on the closest a available seat. I sat for close to an hour and a half, listening to this guy talk about his fashion business, then through a Q & A session (I asked him the current state of the fashion industry and how it can be improved, but my brain was too intoxicated to absorb anything close to unrehearsed mumble-jumble of a reply. He was a cool guy though, and his outfits were terrific!), then followed the procedures to the conclusion. I ended the matter in a style and a fashion, a little sobered up, contrary to my late entrance.

After the meeting was over, I tapped this girl on her shoulder and began making a conversation.

“Hi”

“Hi”

“ You had a question for the presenter of the day? I saw you raise your hand but he didn't pick you out. What was that question?” I went on.

She told me, though I can't quite remember. Something generic.

The idea was to take her hand and take her to the Fashion guy, and after she asked away, I'd add some some smart talk and impress her, then take her home. No. Take her number and ask her to come and see me sometime. My mind was on some other girl.

The Fashion Guy had disappeared.

“My name is KK, what's yours?”

“Christine”

“That's a beautiful name…

[“Thank you”].

[We exchanged contacts].

Let's get out of here. It's kind of noisy.”

“ I'm sorry. I have something I have to do before I leave.” She declined.

“Are you an official here? Like do you have club responsibilities?”

“ No, actually. I just help serve the coffee.”

“ I want some…” I blurted out.

She sold me coffee, then a few seconds later announced that it was on-house. The fuck! “You sold me free coffee!” I didn't really mind though, it was just ten-shillings for some shitty tasting coffee in a miniscule plastic cup. A coffee tot.

The girl that was on my mind had been at the center of the room posing for pictures all this while. Then next thing I knew, she was gone. It was time to go. I was outta there.

I got out of the room into the cold air of the night, stepped onto the veranda and circled around the staircase to the other side of the complex and then I saw her! I hopped. I flagged her and her friend.

“Hey. It's you that I wanted to talk to.”

She turned her head ever so gently and gave me the most lady-like smile I have ever received in my life.

She stopped walking and I stood in front of her, looking into her eyes. Then,

“This is going to sound like the corniest thing you have ever had, but you look very familiar. Have I seen you somewhere? I just want to get you out of my mind.”

That smile. That damn smile. We started walking again, talking. I told her my name. She asked, “KK stands for?”

“Kennedy Karanja,” I answered, putting the accent in the right place, like a true son of Mumbi.

“Shee.”

“Haha. Like S-H-E? She?”

“S-H-E-E!”

“yeah, right. Is that your real name or your stage name?” I teased.

“My name is Magdalene Wanjiku(no accent), but my friends call me Shee”

I asked her what she did for fun. Apparently, Netflix and Chill is the most fun she has for days, semester in, semester out. I had other ideas, so I put my arms around her to drive a point. Touching.

She backed away slightly, but then kept coming back. I told her I was a rapper. She was impressed. She asked for a sample, which I had to produce. We had to stand as I scrolled through my Twitter for my SoundCloud. Umm...tweets from last year...mostly rants. Tweets from some past I was depressed. Tweets from a remote history when I didn't have an idea what Twitter was for...then I found it! CABBAGES!

That was a banger. By Kenyan standards. If it was well mastered and mixed and promoted, by all standards.

That's how I got my number one fan. She complemented my voice and I saw in her eyes she was falling for me. She was tripping for me. She said she could sing too.

“Well then, try this:

1-2-5 tuko 4-2-0,

Juja-maica tuko maji tuko H-2-0.��

“125 tuko 5-2-oh!

Juja-maica tuko maji tuko H-2-O”

Impressive!

That's was just her first take. I imagine the future would lit for this gyal should she decide to pick music as a career. But she sings in the choir.

“I was choir-one in high school” she chimes in just as I am about to blah-blah-blah my complements.

We were so long lost in conversing that realizing we had finally reached Gate C came as a rude shocker.

“This is where we say goodbye. But before you go there is something I'd like to say”

I took a breath and gave the conversation a breather.

Then I said the most absurd words she has ever heard come out of a human mouth. I spoke like a dragon of a human,

“ I want to fuck you and make you my bitch.”

She stepped back in shock. I had lifted some rapper's lyrics and quoted them verbatim. I said those words so casually, in the midst of witnesses and eavesdropping passers-by. She retreated back to her shell; no longer smiling; no more of those eyes. Those damn eyes!

I was left to my own mental space, finally realizing the gravity of my stupidity yet ambivalently confident in my aggressive approach. Little did I know that this woman that I was prospecting to fuck and do bad things to was born-again. Jesus Christ, who is the freak now?

I had to hastily say my goodbyes and leave with my tail wagging between my legs, the defeated dog that I had turned into. Back into school, back to CLB - I had to claim my prize. My final option. It was her.

Remember how I implied that she was a Times News Roman in the streets but a Verdana in the sheets? I had to find out. I trekked at a marcher's pace and trotted at a runner's pace.

When I made my re-entry, I was lucky she was one of the few people that had been left, and had I been a few seconds later she would have vanished. I went straight to her and we hit it off.

“i wanted to nominate you for the Fashion adjudicator's award. You're minimalist, but you still look stylish. Real stylish.”

She looked down, half inspecting her outfit, half blushing at this stranger’s kind words, then rebuffed with a “ ah! I dont know.”