#he knows i am disorganised due to mental health symptoms at the moment and would never get around to booking it myself

[catsniffer420]

my dad enabling my female separatist lifestyle by scheduling a dental appointment for me and, unprompted, specifically telling the receptionist “[my daughter] prefers to see a lady dentist” 

sometimes i feel like he doesn’t know me that well as a person, but then other times i realise he does pay attention

[crescentmoonlikeyoungjae]

There are somethings I would like to put down before moving on, after what happened to Jonghyun. If you are not comfortable with depression and things related to it, please don’t read this. They are just some very disorganised personal thoughts.

I did not know Jonghyun beyond his name and that he’s a member of SHINee before it happened. But I can’t stop thinking about it the past week. I cried long and hard that night. I almost cried at work when I saw tweets about him at multiple occasions. 

It affected me to the extent out of my expectation. 

The thing about idol-fan relationship is, it is mostly a one-way communication. We fans are almost always on the receiving end. We receive information of our idols, not the other way round. 

I’m not saying idols don’t care about their fans, it’s just, when idols receive information from fans, fans are considered as a collective instead of individuals, unlike idols to fans. 

And I think this is one of the reasons to my frustrations and fears. 

Fans could never know if their idols are in need of help in terms of mental health, due to the huge pressure on idols to act “normal”. And even when we do know, there is basically nothing we can do from our end. We are not their friends whom they know in person. We can do nothing more than sending them positive messages on SNSs. 

Although I have never been properly diagnosed, I did have suicidal thoughts and symptoms of depression a couple of years ago. I feel better now, with Youngjae in my life. But those were dark years I don’t even want to remember, and I understand how hopeless it can feel. It’s not like you don’t want to think positive, you just can’t. You can’t help it. 

Getting professional help would be a wise move, but it is not a cure which can miraculously heal one’s depression. It does not promise getting better. And in Jonghyun’s case, it seems to have pushed him further to the edge. 

From my point of view, of course it depends, but depression is not something that is always resolvable. 

This is what I fear most.

Most fans see Youngjae as the sunshine. The innocent, pure, always cheerful and happy boy. I was once with that view when I first got to know him. Even during the handful of times he cried in front of the camera, he always had a smile on his face, trying hard to fight back tears and not cry. He seems to be always happy, laughing out loud with the smallest things. I love that about him, not holding back his laughter. 

But it hit me after knowing about Jonghyun, why reading the lyrics of 잠들고 싶어 was so unsettling. To me, it reads like the feelings of someone with depressive tendencies. At least, it reminds me of those of my own. 

It worries me, a lot. 

I love Youngjae so much, I would of course wish him to only feel happiness. But I know it is impossible, because this is life we are talking about. And one would have to feel sadness to feel happiness, if you know what I mean. Sad things will come by and are inevitable, all I wish is that when Youngjae encounters one of these things, he would know that it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to feel down, it is okay to cry, it is okay to have such emotions. I also wish that he knows he is very very loved and appreciated, that he is good enough, that there are people who knows how hard he works, and that whatever decision he makes there will be people who supports, or at least respects it. I wish that he knows he gives light and life to me when there was only darkness, that he basically is the reason I am still here now. 

There is so little I can do, all I can is to wish. I wish him the best, but if it is something not possible at the moment, I wish him to be fine. Just being fine would be fine.

I think it is also a reminder to us, that Youngjae, along with all of his idol peers, are humans, just like us. Just... please treat them decently like you do with people around you.