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castiel-left-his-mark-on-me · 3 years

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Hi, Ary, very inactive ex-mutual(i think???) here. Good to see you thriving! ♥ It's been a while since I've dipped my head into cockles stuff. Could I perchance maybe ask uuuuum tf is going on??? lol I see Mish apparently confirmed he used to stay over at Jensen's in Van, and heard newbs were apparently freaking out about it and getting a bit messy, which I get that, business as usual. But I'm also seeing shit about spin-offs? And Jared getting in a twitter fight with Jensen, causing/resulting in stans to going feral and sending hate?? I know you're not as big a fan of Jar, but that's part of why I figured I'd ask you, you usually have a really level head about this kinda stuff. If you don't wanna answer publically, or at all, that's totally chill!

Hey, Rhi! We're still mutuals! Of course we're still mutuals! When I saw the notification of your ask, I was like "Hey! I haven't seen you in a while!" and my husband was like "???" and I said "Tumblr" and he said "Oh."

It was a wild time haha.

In any case, welcome back to the dumpster fire! We are obviously still a mess. So to catch you up, I guess I will start by summarizing both before and after the finale (not sure where you left off so this might be redundant for you) ... basically, it became obvious as the end of the show neared that Jensen was not on board with the plan for the finale; although Jared never stopped singing its praises.

We got confirmation of this during a zoom interview where Jensen said that he actually went into the writers room as well as called Kripke to basically voice how he didn't agree with the direction the final season was going, but he was shot down on all fronts. In another interview, he was asked "What would you tell your younger self going into this career?" And Jensen responded with: "I would tell myself to just keep your head down and do the work" meaning, "Don't try to change things because you can't." I also think that this whole situation is what he wrote "Let Me Be" about for his first Radio Company album, but that is just my own speculation. All of his reluctance, even though he always followed it up with "But I eventually saw the value in the script" or "I came around in the end" (which never sounded sincere, and I don't think he was really trying to sound sincere) made us all very nervous about what was to come for 15x20; and of course, when the last two episodes aired, we saw just how badly they fucked it up.

After the awful finale, the entire fandom became aware of the CW's heavy handed role in the thing, basically squeezing all the life out of SPN to shape it into a ramp from which Walker could launch itself. They not only erased all the love and joy and representation that Cas's love confession gave us, they also tore apart the things that made sense about the bond between Sam and Dean, making it really just about Sam-- and therefore Jared, which of course, Jared seemed to be fine with ... even though no one else was. Misha barely said anything during the finale, and a few of the other actors talked about the show ending in various posts, but Jared tweeted up a storm ... and Jensen? Jensen just sat in sexy-silent resentment of the whole thing. He didn't tweet, he didn't post, he didn't say a word once he no longer had to, and I think that's because he was already going full-steam-ahead on his plans for redemption.

Which brings us to Chaos Machine-- Jensen and Danneel's new production company that is being run by a queer creative director and has a mantra of inclusivity and representation woven throughout it's fabric; and apparently, the first story that Jensen wanted to tell through this new platform is the origin story of Sam and Dean's parents; so last week (?) he announced the upcoming production of "The Winchesters" -- the untold love story of John and Mary. Obviously, John is not the most likable character from the show, so the idea was met with a lot of resentment when it was first announced, but Jensen has gone on to say that he is excited to take on the task of telling the "true" story behind these characters-- the one that makes sense with the pre-established canon and doesn't reject it. So, given that, the idea is being mulled over with a bit more optimism from the fandom.

Who isn't being optimistic though?

Jared Padalecki.

When Jensen made this announcement on Twitter, many of his friends and coworkers congratulated him, but not Jared. Jared responded with a passive aggressive: "I'm happy for you, man, but I wish I didn't hear about it through Twitter." This of course, sent all the die-hard Jared fans into a tizzy and they immediately began asking him if he was serious (hoping it was just a joke-- we all hoped it was because there would be fallout no matter what one's opinion on Jared is). Instead of leaving it there though or just deleting that tweet, Jared went on to tweet some more, saying that he was being serious that he didn't know about the plans for the prequel, and that he was "gutted" that Sam apparenlty wouldn't be included (mind you, this a prequel to SPN... meaning BEFORE Sam and Dean were even born, so how could Sam be included? But Dean is apparently narrating this story so maybe Jared thought Sam should be helping to narrate it? I don't know). But Jared being Jared couldn't just leave that there, he then went on to tweet at Robbie Thompson who was announced as a writer for "The Winchesters" so then Jared went off on him too, calling him "Brutus" and a "coward" acting like Robbie betrayed him (speculation is-- Robbie refused to write for Walker, so Jared is pissed that he essentially chose Jensen over him). He did fairly quickly, remove that tweet attacking Robbie, but of course the damage was done at that point. And it truly only took his first tweet calling out Jensen for some people to be like "Jared-- that sucks if you didn't know but why are you saying any of this publicly?"

As you might know, Jared has had issues in the past with posting hurtful things on social media, and has even used it as a tool for attack before-- calling out customer service agents and public workers that he felt have wronged him, which is bad enough ... but for him to then do the same thing to his best friend of well over a decade? Many people who had once liked him or at least gave him the benefit of the doubt (I used to ...) stopped after this latest twitter tantrum.

However, some people have suspected for some time that J2 had a falling out either shortly before the finale or just after. Their public/social media interactions have seemed awkward, stilted or even non-existent in moments that they normally wouldn't be. In the past year, when Walker premiered, Jensen didn't say much about his friend's new venture other than a "Congrats. buddy" here and there. Later, we learned that Jensen refused to work on the show ... Jared said he make him do it, drag Jensen to the set "kicking and screaming" which made many fans quirk up an eyebrow because, why would Jensen put up a fight unless the two weren't as close as they used to be? And then Jensen moved his family to Colorado (either permanently or for an extended period at least) which is notable considering how he moved to Texas seemingly to be closer to Jared, even buying a house that was near his. All this was just speculation though; but it wasn't until Jared's tweet complaining about not knowing about the prequel that the theories behind them falling out, became less theory and more fact.

The day after his twitter tantrum, Jared tweeted again-- not retracting his statements or apologizing, but instead saying that he and Jensen "talked" and were "all good". Jensen then tweeted too, parroting this statement to some degree, which only made the whole thing even more sour in the mouths of the fans. The fact that Jared didn't apologize for his outburst and throwing his friend under the bus, and also the fact that Jensen-- Mr. Sexy Silence, Mr. Never Tweets, Mr. Tech-Ignorant-and-Proud, actually had to POST SOMETHING saying that he and Jared made up, it just screamed OPTICS. It was obviously the work of agents and PR firms and lots of people going "Look, if you two keep beefing, that will mean the death of both of your projects. Even more people will stop watching Walker, and this SPN prequel will never get picked up due to the scandal." So, the two "made nice" publicly to quell the chaos, but in my opinion, it's all too little too late. Jared started a storm that he can't contain now with a little tweet, and it seems like he knows that too because before he talked about him and Jensen making up, he asked that people "not send threats". He could have just as easily said that he shouldn't have made this a public issue and that he's sorry, but instead, he continued to play the victim and stoke the flames by alerting us all to the damage he's done.

Now, like I said before-- I used to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think he's an awful human or that he deserves to be attacked or anything, but he is an adult man with very poor judgment and an obvious selfish-streak a mile wide. He should know better, and he should have more respect for his so-called "friends" and "brothers" than to make them targets to public ridicule. I have a hard time believing that Jensen still sees Jared the way he used to, and I wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to pull away-- especially when he's moving on to so many new and exciting things. Jared certainly deserves happiness just as much as anyone else, but he went on twitter and basically asked for a scandal, and he got one.

The question is now-- was there a motive behind it? Was just looking for a reason to bring his and Jensen's falling out to light-- while making himself looking like the victim in the process? Or did he genuinely not know about the prequel and just decided to go about "not knowing" in the most toxic and hurtful way he could manage?

In any case, that is the drama ... that is the J2 insanity in a rather lengthy nutshell ... that is the tea ... and I hope it all makes sense.

But the good news out of all of this is, Cockles is thriving-- they are happy and in love and Jensen calls Misha "Babe" and Misha misses waking up to see Jensen in the morning, and they are just as cute and wonderful as can be.

So, I will end that there. I am so glad to see you back, and I hope I answered all your questions in a way that made sense ... I tried anyway!

💖💖💖

#omg #I don't even know if this makes sense #this took way too long to write #j2 #cockles #long post #spn family #so glad you see you back again my dear #welcome to hell #it's hotter now

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whosscruffylooking · 3 years

Text

The Purest Things-Damaged

Aaron Hotchner x Female Reader

Warnings: Mentions of rape, murder, and cheating. Canon-typical violence.

Word Count: 3.7k

A/N: and so we begin our descent into the world of slow-burn! this piece begins at the end of season 3 episode 13 & carries into seasons 3 episode 14. thank you to everyone who has interacted with my stories, commenting and reposting helps creators so much! enjoy this installment :)

The Purest Things Masterlist

Gif Credit: @hqtchner

january 2008

Bookend: “We are all damaged. We have all been hurt. We have all had to learn painful lessons. We are all recovering from some mistake, loss, betrayal, abuse, injustice or misfortune. All of life is a process of recovery that never ends. We each must find ways to accept and move through the pain and to pick ourselves back up....Each tragedy is an announcement that some good will indeed come in time. Be patient with yourself.” ― Bryant McGill

Another day, another murderer locked away. This case proved that sometimes, the so-called "good guys" can be just as selfish as the "bad guys." The special agent who recruited the BAU's help, Jill Morris, used this case to obtain personal fame and grow her career.

You sit next to Rossi aboard the plane. He had a more personal interaction with Morris throughout the case, and you can tell her actions have left him more than disappointed.

Looking out the window at the sun setting behind the clouds, you mumble to yourself, "What's the difference?"

"Did you say something?" Dave speaks up.

Looking to him, you brush it off, "Oh. Nothing. I was just talking to myself."

He crosses his legs and smiles a warm smile at you, "Penny, for your thoughts then."

"I guess...I just don't understand how Jill Morris's motives can be any different from Jeremy Andrus's. Of course, Jill didn't murder or rape anyone. But, she exploited this case for her own personal benefit. She didn't just use the unsub; she exploited the victims as well. How is that any different than Jeremy using women for his own gratification?"

David sighs, "Aristotle said, 'Every practical pursuit or undertaking seems to aim at some good.' Our brains are wired for love and solidarity. Greed forms to undermine that wiring and trick others into believing that their means to an end is done for "good." People believe that to maintain that myth, any and all costs to others are simply casualties in the long run."

"There is all the difference in the world between helping another soul and exploiting their hardship for your own gain and deceiving yourself that they are the same," he continues, "I tried to show Jill that. But, I think she's already determined that the reason she does this job is not for the same reasons that we do. The rush of catching a suspect comes second to the excitement she gets when being praised for her achievement."

"What happened to her empathy," you wonder, "Empathy is a natural foundation in each of our lives, and our society functions on it! How could that not overpower her desire for recognition? I mean, for Christ's sake, her friend just died!"

"Unfortunately," he solemnly says, "It is harder to understand the motives of our peers than it is to profile a serial killer."

+++++

You wake as if there is an emergency, like sleeping had become a deadly thing, your heart pounds, and thoughts jumble throughout your brain. Shooting up from your seat, you crawl over a sleeping Rossi and stumble your way to the bathroom.

Your knuckles turn white as you grip the edge of the sink. Looking cautiously into the mirror, as if you are uncertain of what you'll see, you take in your ghostly appearance. Sweat beads drip down your forehead. Unable to comprehend the blurry remnants of your dream, you turn on the faucet and splash your face with cold water.

Upon exiting the bathroom, you notice everyone is sound asleep. Thank goodness no one noticed your state of panic. You notice that one overhead reading light is on and look to see Hotch awake and blankly staring out the window.

"Can't sleep either?" You ask, sitting across from him.

"Are you alright?" He asks, trying to deflect your attention.

You squint at him, unwilling to back down, "Are you?"

He looks at you intently, taking the sight of you in inch-by-inch. No one has asked him that over the past few weeks. In fact, everyone has seemingly been avoiding him since he was served his divorce papers. Perhaps they are doing it because they are unsure how to support him or genuinely feel that what he needs right now is space.

However, you know that being alone is the last thing he needs right now. "Hotch, I know it isn't my place, and I--I'm sorry if this is overstepping. But that expression on your face that you've worn for the past few weeks isn't foreign to me. Perhaps to everyone else, it is. They don't know what to do or say. You're their unit chief, and they are used to you being strong and keeping it together for the sake of everyone else."

He straightens his posture, his attention centered on you.

"I witnessed firsthand the ways that divorce can torment people. My parents got a sudden divorce when I was 14. It was unexpected to all of us. My father was unfaithful, and although my mom was willing to forgive him, he didn't want to put in the work anymore. He found a new outlet for his frustrations. I watched my mother and father waste away for years," you lament.

Hotch sits on the edge of his seat, his eyes trained keenly on you. It was odd for him to make a connection so quick, to give his trust so easily. In fact, he hardly trusts at all. Dave and Haley are the only ones who have really been given an insider's peek into the mind and heart of Aaron Hotchner. There was something in the way he listens so actively to what you are saying. You would be lying if you said you didn't notice his gaze aimed at your lips.

There is a sympathetic and heartfelt concern he shows for you, one second only to your own regard for him. He listens like he is absorbing your words. The longer you spend in each other's presence, the more you both realize that this is the kind of friendship you both have needed for far too long. Even if the words go unspoken, you share an empathetic understanding of one another, and you are sure it has been there since the day you met. Hotch has been fascinated by you since he watched your interview with Strauss over and over again, though he would never let it be known.

+++++

February 2008

Today is the day that you get to accompany Hotch and Reid on the Criminal Personality Research Project to interview Chester Hardwick before his execution. Hardwick's case is one you know inside and out. You wrote a research report on it that was awarded the Graduate Student Ethics Writing Competition winner for the American Psychological Association and was published in their Ethics and Behavior journal. Agent Hotchner suggested that you tag along, considering you know just as much about the case as Spencer does.

You and Spencer absentmindedly fiddle with the knickknacks that rest upon the desk as you wait to be escorted to see Chester Hardwick.

Hotch's phone begins to ring, and he answers it, "Yeah, J.J... Um, no, it's--It's a personal matter. Yes, thank you. I will take care of it when I get back."

"Everything okay?" You ask softly.

"Yeah, fine." He says abruptly.

"We can do this interview another time," Reid offers.

Aaron huffs, "Well, he is scheduled to be executed next week."

"I can take the lead on the interview if you w-" Reid unintentionally pushes.

You cut him off, "Reid."

Hotch shoots you an appreciative look.

Anytime sir.

"Agent Hotchner?" A relatively short man wearing freakishly petite glasses comes to the door.

The Unit Chief shakes the man's hand and introduces you and Spencer.

"You're here to see our infamous inmate Hardwick," the warden exclaims.

"Yes," you say, "He agreed to meet with us as part of our Criminal Personality Research Project before his execution."

The man smiles widely, "I've read your research on Hardwick many times. I must say, seeing your perspective on the mind of such a prolific killer was very enlightening."

You beam with pride at his commendation. Instinctively you look to Hotch, who appears to have the slight trace of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

You wonder, how can he go from scowling and frustrated one minute to fighting back the urge to smile at the mention of your achievements? You bite your lip to suppress any further needless excitement.

The warden continues to ramble, "Serial killers are kind of a hobby of mine. Chester is the only one I've ever met in person, though. I bet you've met quite a few."

"Sir," Hotch interjects, "We'd very much like to get started as soon as we can."

Time to put our serious pants back on.

You can visibly see your superior's annoyance, and you stifle a chuckle.

The warden quickly composes himself and apologizes for his enthusiasm, touching his hand to Hotch's shoulder in the process. Hotch's mouth falls agape, and his sights shoot to you. A small snort escapes you, and you cover your mouth, attempting to conceal it as a cough. He squints at you as if he is mentally murdering you. You crinkle your nose at him.

Don't mentally murder me when we are about to interview one of the most prolific killers of our time.

The warden leads you into the small cell that you will convert into a makeshift interrogation room. Soon enough, you hear the clanking of chains echoing in the hallway. Everyone's eyesight is fixed on the door.

A silver-haired man dressed in a yellow jumpsuit walks in with an air of arrogance and determination. He glares at Agent Hotchner, who mirrors the prisoner's actions exactly. Hotch states that keeping the prisoner chained will not be necessary, a call that both you and Spencer are unsure of.

Hardwick sits across from you and leans into the table, "I know you."

"And I know you. Too well, I think," you respond.

A menacing grin sweeps across his face, "Oh, I like you already. How about you send these two away so the grown-ups can talk."

You can hear your boss scoff from behind you.

"Chester, it's time to get serious."

"You were born April 4, 1950?" Spencer asks.

"Does my birthday really matter?"

"It's customary for us to start at the beginning. We want to know as much as we can about your childhood," Reid continues.

"There's nothing to know. It was average. I lived in a nice house on a quiet street. I ate cereal, went to school, watched cartoons."

"I don't have time for this," Hotch raises his voice, causing you to jump slightly, "You grew up in a series of projects, each one worse than the last. You spent your teenage years peeping into your female neighbors' windows and burglarizing their underwear drawers when you got the chance. You set 100 small fires for which you spent 2 years in juvenile detention."

You glance at Reid from the corner of your eye; you are both uncomfortable with the direction Hotch is taking this.

"We've done extensive research, Mr. Hardwick," you say, gently trying to soften the blow and appeal to the man's ego. If Hotch is taking the bad cop role, you need to be this psychopath's ally.

"We've talked to almost everyone you've ever known," you continue, "including your mother."

Chester swivels on the balls of his feet, "Good ol' Jean? I'll bet she was a real treat."

"At this point, lying to us isn't really possible or helpful," Spencer offers a slight smirk to the man.

"Y/N, right?" the prisoner turns his attention to you, "They're wrong. They're all wrong."

"About what, Chester?" You implore him.

"I started a lot more than one hundred fires," he peers out the window.

You look up at Hotch, and he sighs in surrender.

Chester antagonizes you three, stating that no one care's whether or not they hear the truth. In between his jabs, he strays to various different series of thoughts. Most are meaningless, but it is his way of trying to get under your skin. For you and Spencer, it is relatively easy to maintain your composure. For Hotch, however, Hardwick's digs do nothing but add fuel to the already lit flame under the special agent.

"Let's talk about the specifics of this case, Chester," you interrupt his rant, "Why did you choose Sheila O'Neal?"

He shakes his head, "You gotta show me a picture. I don't know their names."

As if you can feel Hotch's anger radiating off of his body, you brace yourself for the oncoming strike.

"Is that what this is all about," he says disgustedly, "Some chance for you to relive all of this?"

"I have an excellent memory," Chester brags.

You tune his impassionate speech out and focus your observance on your boss. His scalding stare at Hardwick can only translate one way, 'I have initiated my emotional indifference. I could kill you and not care one bit. So proceed with caution.'

"They were toys, a diversion," you hear Hardwick chant as you tune back into the present. Hotch looks anywhere but at the killer in front of him, his gaze eventually landing you. You are some kind of shelter to him that neither of you has yet acknowledged or come to understand.

Your stomach churns at Chester's descriptions of his victims. He describes them as useless objects that, once their purpose was served, were discarded like garbage.

"Why did you ask us here?" Hotch charges.

The wicked man looks at you, his eyes void of a soul and his stare sending a chill down your veins.

"I wanted to speak to her."

Your breath catches at the back of your throat.

With that, Hotch straightens up and fervently positions himself between Chester and you. "Reid, pack it up," he commands.

Reid looks to you, "Are you sure?"

"No, now." Your superior repeats himself with even more fervor. He presses the buzzer to signal the guards to release us and says, "Have a nice trip. You're going where you belong." Hotch makes sure to put as much distance between you and Hardwick as possible. He buzzes the ringer again. No response.

"It's 5:17," Hardwick chuckles.

You close your eyes, the reality of the situation finally sinking in. Reaching out for Hotch's arm, you lower his hand from the buzzer. "The evening yard begins at 5 o'clock. No one is going to come open that door for-"

"At least thirteen minutes," Chester disrupts. He waltzes over the table and takes one of the images of his victims into his hand. Holding it up as if to brag to us about it, he says, "And it took me less than five minutes to do this."

You push aside your worry. Instead, you choose to focus on all of the information you have accumulated over the years about Chester Hardwick. There has to be something you can use to your advantage to diffuse this situation.

"Perhaps in all of your research, you should have familiarized yourselves with the guard tones," Hardwick jeers.

"I heard the tones," Hotch counters in a monotone voice.

"So you planned to be locked inside with me, with no guns or weapons."

Hotch shakes his head, his voice more natural than before, "I won't need a gun."

Spencer places his hand on your arm and begins to guide you to the other side of the room.

"There's no way I am going to be executed next week," Chester taunts, kneading his hands together. "Not after I kill three FBI agents. You saved my life by coming here." His venomous words ring in your ears.

Hotch's tone deepens, "Unfortunately for you, I am not a five-foot-one-hundred-pound girl."

Your pulse quickens at Hotch's threat, and your attention is rapt by his display of dominance. He begins to shed his jacket. You feel yourself flushing; attraction suddenly entangles you as if it were an invisible rope.

Now is the worst possible time to be feeling this. Calm down.

"All of your life, you've gone after victims who couldn't fight back," he fiercely says, "and the rest of the time you spent looking over your shoulder." You understand the intensity in his tone and sense a great deal of emotion behind his words.

He rips his tie from his collar, and your breathing hitches in the back of your throat. Hopefully, Spencer doesn't notice, and if he does, he chalks it up to the deadly situation you find yourself in.

"You were always worried about the knock on the door," Hotch doesn't back down, "Scared that somebody like me would be on the other side waiting to put you away."

Well, if you keep ripping your tie off like th--no. Not gonna go there right now. Focus on the pyshco-killer threatening to kill you.

Now, Hotch intimidatingly points his finger directly at Hardwick.

If only I were on the receiving end of tha--no! Now. Is. Not. The. Time.

"At your core, you are a coward," Hotch fires.

You have to do something. Hardwick is enraged, and Hotch has nothing left to lose.

Without even giving it a second thought, you blurt out, "Chester, do you want to know why you killed those women?"

"What?" The prisoner hisses.

Spencer speaks up, "Earlier, you said you wished you were different. We can tell you why you are...what you are."

He begins moving towards you, and out of the corner of your eye, you notice your boss carefully making equal strides. You motion for him to stop.

"You can tell me why I did what I did?"

"I think so," you nod, "Don't you, Dr. Reid?"

"I do. Your mother is bipolar. And almost certainly an undifferentiated schizophrenic. Your father suffered severe shell shock in the war, what we now refer to as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. As far as I can tell, he remained clinically depressed the rest of his life."

"Exactly," you say, giving Spencer a chance to gather his thoughts after having thrown him under the bus.

"53% of all serial killers have some form of mental illness inherent to their families. Chester, in your case, both of your parents suffered from psychological disorders, which they essentially took out on each other as much as they beat you. So, violence sort of became a normal expression of love in your household," you say, eager to have some kind of breakthrough with him while subliminally directing Spencer's string of thoughts to follow yours.

Allowing Reid to pick up where you leave off, he takes charge of the conversation and explains how a portion of one's brain wants what it wants without conscience or judgment. A part of the brain that no doubt took over Hotch's reasoning powers moments ago, though you do not blame him.

"Earlier, you said your victims never had a chance. I think you know deep down that it was you that never really had a chance," he concludes. And with that victorious resolution, the guards unlock the door. Hotch storms out, and Reid follows behind.

"Is that true that I never had the chance?" Hardwick calls out after you both.

You stop in your tracks, "I don't know."

"Maybe," Spencer nudges you out the door.

++++

In the car, Hotch looks at you in the rearview mirror, "That was smart to get Hardwick to focus on himself long enough for the guards to come back."

You pat Spencer's shoulder, "I give all the credit to boy wonder and his beautiful statistic-filled brain. I'm sorry for all of the times I said you were running out of storage with all of that useless data."

"I find that I do some of my best work under intense terror," he declares, "Wait. Useless data? When did you say that?"

You pinch him softly and chuckle, "I'm kidding."

"I'm sorry," Hotch sighs.

You meet his gaze in the mirror once again, "For what?"

His chestnut eyes reveal pangs of remorse and guilt, but something tells you there's more to those feelings than what occurred at the prison.

"I antagonized the situation."

"No, you didn't," Spencer states.

"I certainly didn't help."

"Well, I can't argue with you there," you kid.

His piercing eyes suddenly twinkle, causing you to blush slightly. You quickly look down at your feet until your cheeks cool down.

Hotch sighs in defeat, "So Haley wants me to sign the divorce papers uncontested so that nobody wastes money on lawyers."

That statement is all too familiar to you. Yet again, your heart shatters for the Hotchners.

"You don't want to?" Spencer asks innocently.

He means well, but you know from experience that such a question only unleashes a tidal wave of painful emotions for the one fighting for his family.

"What I want, I'm not going to get," Hotch laments.

His eyes, once filled with depth, now distant and empty.

++++

Glancing up from your paperwork and into your supervisor's office, you take note of his gravity-drawn shoulders that carry the weight of the world on them. He repeatedly picks up a stack of papers and then drops them back down atop his desk, covering his face with his hands.

"What do you think is going on up there?" Derek asks, pointing his pen in the direction of the office.

"I might have an idea. I'm going to go take my report; anyone else's done?" They all hand you their paperwork for you to deliver to the boss.

You hesitate to knock on his door but apprehensively do so anyways.

He invites you in. Your heart sinks as you approach his desk, able to get a closer look at his beaten expression. You always knew he was hiding pain behind his tough exterior, but now he wears it on the surface, most likely unintentionally.

Placing the paperwork on his desk, you notice the heading on the papers he was gripping tightly.

SUPREME COURT STATE OF VIRGINIA: MARITAL SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT

Hotch's eyes move slowly, laboriously, to look at you as if it takes a concentrated effort to do so.

"Heartache is a real thing," you sympathize with him, "In fact, Reid even told me that a broken heart can show up on medical scans. When a heart breaks, your body and brain need time to recuperate. There's no set amount of time or remedy that will heal you. Don't set your expectations of yourself too high, and surround yourself with the people who love you."

His chin trembles, and his eyes flutter as he blinks back tears.

You turn to leave the room but look over your shoulder one last time, "We are all here for you, Hotch."

Just as you are about to shut the door, you hear him call out to you, "Y/L/N!"

His stare reveals a vulnerability you have had yet to see in him.

"Call me Aaron."

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muellercorn · 5 years

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Happy International Women's Day! These are women involved in theatre that I believe have paved the future for female artists. I think it would be apt for you to read their names and stories and then let me know women who inspire you in the theatre world and how you think they're shaping the future. Reblog if you see your inspirations and share their stories.

1. Jennifer Kirby. We may only be 3 months into 2019, but I'm ready to call Jennifer Kirby woman of the year. At age 30, I'd already consider her a veteran of the RSC, a company where she has portrayed so many Shakespearean females with a new found voice and personality. She first appeared on our screens in Call The Midwife in 2016 as Nurse Valerie Dyer. From the start Val has faced some of the most brutal storylines, most involving the rights of women and the working class, and been an absolute inspiration due to her brave and loving personality. However over the last 8 weeks she has been the pioneer character of the most powerful women's rights stories I've seen in entertainment ever. If it hadn't been for Kirby's authentic, sensitive performance and her deep understanding of the human condition from women who've walked different lives from her own, this storyline would not have had the impact that it has. She never complains about a hard storyline either, when interviewers ask how difficult scenes were, her response is always one of gratitude enthusiasm and excitement for the changes it could bring about in society. I believe this will be the start of more powerful storylines for women in the media and moreover I know her performance has had a real life effect on society, changing and developing people's opinions and giving them fresh eyes to see other people's experiences through with sympathy and care.

2. Jessie Mueller. During her Broadway career this far, Mueller has portrayed some of the most complex women with such heart and integrity. She has proven endlessly that vulnerability and strength can coexist. In 2016 Jessie won the Lilly Award (awards for females making a difference in society) for best actress following her run as Jenna in Waitress. A not was left in the theatre's lobby saying that Jessie's heartfelt performance helped a woman decide to leave the abusive relationship she was in. Additionally Jessie has done countless benefits for charities benefiting women, is an activist for equal rights and a dedicated educator. Jessie has defied type casting and shown us all that we are not defined by anything but our hearts and work ethic.

3. Ruthie Ann Miles. Strength, power, inspiration - Ruthie is the true embodiment of all these things. Moreover she spreads happiness and joy, ever since I watched her win her Tony I just felt this overwhelming sense of happiness. This woman spreads light everywhere she goes and never fails to make me brim with happiness and smiles. In today's world we need a light and Ruthie truly is that light.

4. Marianne Elliott. To me, Marianne Elliott is the best theatre director of our times. Directing is a profession that is predominantly male dominated and I believe that Elliott will be one of the key figures in changing that. Her love for her work is evident in the current revival of Company a true highlight of the theatre scene in recent years. Her integrity, leadership skills and incredible visions have led to a groundbreaking piece of theatre for women.

5. Rosalie Craig. Her incredible portrayal of the 'new' Bobbie in the 2018 Company Revival has given an in depth, layered portrayal of a woman who is unapologetic for her decisions and personal internal debates. Craig brings so much to this role that you don't see Bobbie as promiscuous like expected but rather as someone simply living life making her own calls and it's absolutely refreshing and unique to see. Furthermore her talent is so stellar that it is guaranteed to inspire a generation of young performers.

6. Katrina Lenk. Resilience strikes me when I think of Katrina Lenk. Her break came in her 40s, prior to this she was relatively unknown in the mainstream theatre world however she never stopped working. Women are ingrained to believe their value decreases as they age, especially in the arts, however Katrina has proven that this is not true. We gain experience, life lessons, emotional qualities, skills and ethics that helps us grow as people and performers. When I think of Katrina Lenk I think of someone so driven by love rather than fame. Additionally, through the characters she portrayed, Katrina has given a voice to so many women who's stories would typically go untold.

7. Jessie Nelson. A valued part of the first all female Broadway creative team for Waitress, Nelson wrote the book for the musical and in doing so helped create a masterpiece and a true gift for all women who feel their story doesn't matter. She comprehensively understands what it means to be female, the importance of female friendship and the responsibility that came with writing a script like this. Thanks to Nelson we have a musical that honours our stories and inspires us to go out and speak of our own experiences. She helped create the living proof that female stories sell and I'm sure we will see many more following in its footsteps.

8. Paula Vogel. Scriptwriter, Vogel, first came to my intention when I first watched Indecent on Broadway HD. The main two things that hit me regarding women's rights upon watching the play, was the portrayal of sexuality between Dina and Ruth outside of the internal play 'God of Vengeance', this relationship is powerful and much more emotionally based than trying to portray lesbian relationships as sexual items for men's pleasure as many arts still find acceptable. Additionally at the start of the play when describing the casting type of each troupe member, Vogel avoids attaching gender to the description starting the tone with the message they desire to continue with, equality for all.

9. Eva Noblezada. I will never forget Noblezada's performance as Kim, I remember being truly in awe and inspired. Then when learning how young she was I was admired at her dedication to travel thousands of miles from home at such a young age in true dedication to telling a story she believes in. Miss Saigon has a story line so beautifully reflective of the maternal side of women and Noblezada's performance portrayed this beautifully showing the true fierce strength that women posses.

10. Hailey Kilgore. A Tony award nomination at age 19! That is more than enough to inspire. Additionally the profound and positive outlook Kilgore has about the world is beyond beautiful and heartwarming.

11. Patti Murin. I admire anyone who speaks out about mental illness and Murin does so so candidly that it is unbelievably inspirational. It's a daunting thing to do because mental illness can be mistaken for being 'overly emotional' or 'unreliable' and I commend Murin for speaking out anyway knowing what she is risking because it will remind an entire generation who struggle with their mental health not to give up because of it. Despite her struggles Murin's work is incredibly joyful and can brighten up any day.

12. Sara Bareilles. Always dedicated to writing her truth, Bareilles has never cabed into the pressure of writing a traditional love song at times when it didn't feel authentic to her. Being motivated to make art rather than money, Sara Bareilles has written so many anthems for women reminding them to feel and fight. Furthermore she's proved that you don't have to write songs about men to sell music, authenticity leads to success.

13. Adrienne Warren. This woman is a force. She is currently giving everything she's got to bring the empowering story of Tina Turner to life 8 times a week in the west end. She is the driving force of a vital story for women in society and she treats it with the importance and passion it deserves. Furthermore her social media is dedicated to educating people about equality for all in society.

14. Marin Mazzie. In September 2018 Marin lost her battle to Ovarain cancer but her legacy will pass from generation to the next. Her dedication to what she loved during her battle is the epitome of female strength, additionally she committed time to activism and raising awareness of ovarian cancer. To me 'Back to Before' - Ragtime is the ultimate theatre anthem for women's rights and Marin's recording and perspective is so moving and empowering that it has the ability to motivate anyone who listens to change the world.

15. Bernadette Peters. A true theatre icon Peters has wrestled with all the names in the book, the classic term 'Diva' that was constantly thrown around when a woman was so powerful and successful in their field that people didn't know how to react. I don't think anything will stop this woman..... I mean did you see the press ups on The View, in high heels and a dress! Icon! Furthermore this was the week before her 70th birthday. I don't think Peters will ever age in spirit or appearance but she embraces her age regardless, the host with held her name but Peters made it clear that she feels age shouldn't be hidden from as our value does not decrease in anyway. Her work in theatre and charity should be inspirational to all.

16. Lindsay Mendez. Firstly I admire any women dedicated to educating and teaching, like Lindsay is. I could say a lot about Lindsay, but I feel she says it best herself. She is true to her identity, body positive and wants to represent everyday people through her art, as we all should if we consider art as a mirror to society.

“When I moved to New York, I was told to change my last name from Mendez to Matthews, or I wouldn’t work. I’m so proud to be part of a community that celebrates diversity and individuality … Be your true self and the world will take note.”

"When you hear you’re going to audition for “Dogfight,” the show about bringing ugly women to parties, you’re like, ‘Oh, great, thank you.’ But that’s also our dream as actors, to play someone else and give someone else a voice. I love this character so much."

17. Cobie Smulders. Whilst filming HIMYM Cobie was privately battling Ovarian Cancer, she beat it and later went on to defy odds by having her own children. Her dedication to her art during this time is a testimony to her strength and will. Furthermore during her time on the show Cobie brought to life incredibly moving stories specific to women in society giving them a voice. She has since gone on to have a successful career in film and theatre and has a large voice in social activism. Her accounts about her battle with ovarian cancer will help to give so much support to women going through similar difficult times and hopefully raise awareness in others so they're able to detect this illness in early stages.

18. Ella Fitzgerald. To me Ella is the American song book, she is the voice of all the Gershwin, Porter, Berlin musicals that came to follow. She gave a voice to a minority and inspired so many people. She continues to inspire people when ever you listen to recordings of her and feel the raw emotion. The modern musical stands on Ella's shoulders.

19. Audra McDonald. SIX TONY AWARDS. She's defied every odd and stereotype by purely working hard and being a truly good person. She's inspired many people and shown us all that anything is possible when you're prepared to prove people wrong. Furthermore she always takes time to thank and honour those who came before her, the people who's shoulders she stands on and that to me is what female empowerment is more than anything else.

20. Judy Garland. My personal inspiration and to be honest I struggle to articulate how she inspires me as it's more of an emotion than a string of thoughts. I just believe Garland strove for love, kindness and friendship over anything. I also believe her work is a sign of hope, no matter how she was treated she never gave in, she didn't stop doing what she loved because of the way she was treated she kept going. It's debatable if that's the right decision, but it doesn't matter as it was a strong decision and it was Judy's. I respect her an unbelievable amount for her voice, her heart and her perspective on the world. Imagine what would be if that sweet girl hadn't sang 'Over The Rainbow' all those years ago, and imagine even more what could have been if we saw Garland for the layered, complex human being she was rather than sweet and cheery Dorothy Gale. Personally whenever I get the chance to perform I always think of Garland before I step on stage, I thank her for her sacrifices to the art because it wouldn't be what it is today if it weren't for her, I don't think there will ever be a star as bright again. It's also to remember that whilst addiction and mental illness don't descriminate, Judy wouldn't have faced many of the issues she did if she wasn't a woman.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

The perspective we all should have had:

"I've always taken 'The Wizard of Oz' very seriously, you know. I believe in the idea of the rainbow. And I've spent my entire life trying to get over it."

I hope to hear of those who inspire you and I hope we all continue to inspire and empower each other. Alicia x

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citycfangels · 7 years

Conversation

TEXT: charlie ⇄ raquel

Charlie: good morning, babe. how was your night?

Raquel: Morning baby. It was good. Just wish I would have woken up next to you.

Charlie: i wish it too, but that would be too suspicious

Charlie: are you alone or is he there with you? just curious

Raquel: True or I could just make sure to still be stealthy.

Raquel: You actually think I'd go home with him after him being that drunk? No he's not with me.

Charlie: i would be worried if you did. he was really wasted last night, so i'm glad you're okay

Charlie: so, what are you doing now?

Raquel: In the words of a great disney icon I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.

Raquel: I was going to shower and then look at emails my agent sent me. What are your plans for the day?

Charlie: nice

Charlie: i wish i was in that shower with you, but we'd waste water, am i right?

Charlie: so far, i will make myself some coffee and keep reading this business book

Raquel: You could always come over and shower with me.

Raquel: YOU'RE READING A BUSINESS BOOK? How is it? Is it hard to read? Can I help?

Raquel: Have I mentioned how happy and proud of you I am lately?

Charlie: i'm tempted, i'm really tempted to go there

Charlie: why are you surprised?! not really, this one is easy to read. plus, i have internet

Charlie: you haven't, and same goes to you. you haven't given up and you're still trying, and i'm sure something will come up for you soon

Raquel: well actually now that i know you're reading and that it's no too dense you should stay home. I can always send you something when you tell me you've finished a chapter just to motivate you.

Raquel: well maybe not surprise but just excited that you are.

Raquel: Then I should definitely say it more often because I really am. I'm not supposed to give up. This is the part where me being stubborn actually comes in handy.

Charlie: oh really? because i'm almost done with this chapter, babe. it seems like i'm getting my motivation reward soon

Charlie: i'm excited about this too. it's ambitious, but i can't wait to get this going on and open a bar. my own bar.

Charlie: i know you won't, one of your best traits is the perseverance. you'll get something soon, i believe in you

Raquel: Really? Well I sure hope you actually are reading and not just skimming the pages.

Raquel: It is a little ambitious with licensing and more people needing to be involved but it's something that you can do and if you're letting me help then we can definitely do it together. I just can't wait until my man has his bar with his name on it and other people get to see just how smart you are.

Raquel: Thanks babe.

Charlie: i swear i'm actually reading them, i'm not a cheater

Charlie: true, but it's worth the damn. i'm pretty sure it'll be rewarding once it's up and ready. of course, you can help and this will be our thing, babe. i can't wait for it.

Charlie: i'm so proud of you, you know that?

Raquel: right. I know you aren't.

Raquel: I didn't know if this would be our thing or just me being the supportive woman behind you. I would be okay with either. I just don't want you to think that this isn't yours.

Raquel: I've hardly done anything yet, but I still really appreciate it. You know you're the only one in my life that actually believes in me and I don't think you know just how much that actually means to me.

Charlie: i didn't mean that, sorry

Charlie: i like both options, i would be okay with either of them. you being supportive of me on this means a lot.

Charlie: not even nathan? how is that possible?

Raquel: no, it's okay. I might as well get used to hearing it. I did cheat and there's no reason why you should censor your words.

Raquel: I'm always going to support you. No matter what. You're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with so supporting you is supporting us and our relationship.

Raquel: Don't do that. I mean it. You're my biggest and only supporter. Nathan probably likes the idea of having a girlfriend that's an actress more than actually supporting one. He's good for my career and he has shown me a few things about the world, but that doesn't mean he is supportive or that I feel like I can lean on him. He's a mistake.

Charlie: still, i should have used another expression. all i wanted to say is that i'm following the rules and doing an exhaustive reading of this

Charlie: i like having a supporter. i like all of that.

Charlie: still, that's something an asshole does. i can't believe he doesn't do that, although i like the idea of being your only fan and supporter. well, the first of many, i hope

Raquel: Babe you don't have to treat me with kid gloves just because you used the word cheater. I knew what you meant. I'm fine.

Raquel: well now you're stuck with one so you better get used to it.

Raquel: He's not an asshole I just think we both didn't really know what we wanted. I do now. Hopefully. i don't want to be one of those celebrities with just a few fans. I'd be like the Paris Hilton of actresses and no one wants that.

Charlie: okay

Charlie: being each other's supporters is so good, and one of the best parts is that it brings benefits

Charlie: i really hope he's not one. nah, you'll have more than a few, you deserve them and it's not the fanclub president talking right now

Raquel: Benefits you say? I just might think that's the best part. Not that that's the only reason to be supportive.

Raquel: He isn't but it doesn't matter. Eventually he'll make someone happy and what we had was good. I think it's the fan club president and the whole being my man thing that is talking but that doesn't take away from any of it.

Charlie: not the only reason but it's a very attractive one, yes. like i'm the only one who gets to fuck you, or the one who gets to get nudes from you, for example

Charlie: yeah, you're right. it doesn't matter. well, no matter who's talking, i'm proud of you and you deserve success

Raquel: Is that a hint? You're the only one i want to fuck me.

Raquel: http://68.media.tumblr.com/dcc484e9f8edbc6b5f841327d881d116/tumblr_inline_o54tpvLQQw1tph66c_500.jpg

Raquel: Keep reading.

Raquel: My success means noting if you're not successful with me.

Charlie: damn

Charlie: yes ma'am, i've just started another chapter

Charlie: you'd be successful anyways but that's a nice thought you have

Raquel: you're welcome.

Raquel: good boy. You could always be rewarded with a lot more than pics.

Raquel: Babe if I want a life with you. A future I don't want us both to be happy and successful. If not his is going to get hard. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I've lost you because we've outgrown each other. I want us to grow together and build a life together. I said before that I didn't see a future for us and now I just want a future. That's all I want for us.

Charlie: oh yes? what do you have in mind for me, babe?

Charlie: i don't want that either. i'd feel empty if we parted ways after all this time, i don't know. i can't imagine a future where you're not in it, even if i ended up opening this.

Raquel: I could always come to you. You can show me everything you learned and jot figures on my clit with your tongue.

Raquel: I think that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me. I can't picture anything without you so there isn't ever going to be an empty feeling.

Charlie: as long as you sit on my face, babe. i feel like having you ride my face today, i don't know why

Charlie: besides, you could totally blow me and help me with this boner i have from seeing your pic. i'm almost naked already

Charlie: i don't know when i started to say romantic shit but that's the truth. i'm glad you see it that way.

Raquel: can this be an every day mood because I think I could be okay with that.

Raquel: I plan on taking care of that. Good to know I can still turn you on.

Raquel: Hey, I like the romantic stuff. At least I'm not the only one being Nacho around here.

Charlie: you're not the only one who'd be okay about that, so

Charlie: good girl. it seems like i'm going from just wearing underwear and reading with a cup of coffee to completely naked as soon as you get here

Charlie: hey, i'm not cheesy. i'm hot and badass, with an special emphasis on hot

Raquel: so I can get my throne every day

Raquel: you just described the best day ever. And deprived me of seeing you read without a shirt so you're definitely going to have to pay for that one.

Raquel: so are you saying you can't be all of the above?

Charlie: you can sit in your throne whenever you want, babe

Charlie: oh really? what are you going to do to me?

Charlie: well, i feel most identified with 'hot' and 'badass' than with 'cheesy'

Raquel: well you can't say whenever because then I'll never want you to stop going down on me.

Raquel: I'm planning on kissing you from head to toe. Kissing the tip of your cock before blowing you so hard that you're going to want to cum inside my mouth. But before you can, I'm going to lay you down and ride you until I cum all over your cock.

Raquel: you can be all three and add in sexy and intelligent.

Charlie: oh, don't stop on my account. you know i love having your pussy on my face

Charlie: is that your idea of a punishment? because i can get behind that. as long as you let me cum too

Charlie: can we say you're the cheesy one and i'm the badass in this?

Raquel: and i love fucking your tongue almost as much as I love fucking your cock.

Raquel: sure is. I didn't mention letting you cum...

Raquel: I can be the badass. I'm totally a badass with a great ass.

Charlie: wasn't that the whole point of this? i read, i get informed of how a business works, you reward me for that

Charlie: we can be badass together, but you're the cheesy one on this

Raquel: Or I led you to believe that that's what the whole point of this was. It could have just been punishment all along for reading while I wasn't there to watch.

Raquel: I still don't accept it completely but I guess if we're together that's all that matters. And I'm aware that that was cheesy. Still doesn't prove your point.

Charlie: you're meaner than you let everyone think, babe. then there's no point on eating you out, unless i can make it up for it somehow

Charlie: true, it doesn't matter who's what in this. let's leave it at, well, we are hot and awesome. and very sexy.

Raquel: I'm absolutely evil, but you just said something about always wanting to go down on me so you can't take that back. You're locked in.

Raquel: I can agree to that one. Now let your sexy and hot girlfriend try to drive.

Charlie: i didn't know you could be that evil, babe. mmm, is there anything else i can do so you can let me cum

Charlie: good, my hot and sexy girlfriend can drive and she better arrive soon

Raquel: I can be even more evil. That was me being nice. I don't know. How about you try to give me some ideas.

Raquel: Your girlfriend will be there soon.

Charlie: nah, i really want to get laid, so no, no ideas for you

Charlie: be here soon, i finished a second chapter today and i want my reward

Raquel: well the ideas could actually help with you getting laid. Don't act like you don't have any.

Charlie: well, come up with any and tell me. or better, show me.

Raquel: hmmm you could always try fucking my ass seeing if that can make you cum. Bending me over and fucking me, or maybe even just putting me face down on your bed and having me take every bit of you. If not you can just try things and see what will make you feel better. I guess i can let you cum so long as you cum inside me.

Charlie: i miss fucking your ass

Charlie: don't get that shower babe, because a fuckfest is happening as soon as you get here. i hope you don't have anything to do later

Raquel: well you should have said it and it would have happened a lot sooner.

Raquel: guess I'll just have to shower with you later. Nope I have no errands and Nathan is on a boys trip out of town for the next three days and when he gets back we'll be over so it doesn't even mater.

Charlie: it seems like we're going to have three days to make up for the little time we had yesterday. except when we have to work, but three days are three days.

Charlie: we can do plenty of things in three days

Raquel: oh so you just want to monopolize my three days?

Raquel: I never said I was going to give you all three days. You'd probably break me before then.

Charlie: well, at least two of them.

Charlie: nah, i'm kidding

Charlie: i wasn't just talking about having sex like rabbits, but that's tempting

Raquel: I can deal with all three I was kidding. I'll be yours every day any day.

Raquel: as tempting as it is I think even we have to take a break sometimes. Speaking of breaks just know that you'll be doing all of the food breaks and going out to get us food.

Charlie: good, because we're having so much fun at my place. or yours, wherever you want

Charlie: why does it have to me be all the time, babe? can't we just take turns or something?

Raquel: i always like your place more than mine. I don't know why. It just feels more like home than mine does.

Raquel: Im going to pull the non feminist card and say that the man is supposed to do the "hunting" even if it is just going to go get our food.

Charlie: cheesy but nice. we both know you like my bed so much

Charlie: but think about this: you can go get food and find me reading and naked in bed, which is exactly what you missed earlier

Raquel: it's not just your bed but sure that is part of it.

Raquel: I thought about it and the whole point is to not miss any part of the reading not just come back to it so hard pass.

Charlie: unless we order food, i'll have to get up and cook something or go get take out food, so i wouldn't be reading then

Raquel: you going out to get our take out can be counted as your mental break. See I thought that one through.

Charlie: fuck, you really did

Charlie: well, i guess i'm in charge of the food, but what are you going to do for me instead?

Raquel: obviously I'm in charge of the mind blowing sex, back massages, random conversations and making you happy. Besides every time you go out you get to come back home to me which I think is always a bonus

Charlie: sounds like i'm in charge of the food, good sex and giving you sexy views then. sounds like a deal

Raquel: well good because that's the only deal you're getting 😜

Charlie: we'll see about that. now get your hot ass here so i can fuck you already

Raquel: Patience. It's a virtue you clearly don't have.

#text #text: charlie #all: charlie #ship: rarlie #text: 008 charlie

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