#here bc im still recovering from death cure

[xdbug-bob]

Thomas: Didn't you die?! Newt: That was weeks ago, dude. Things change.

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[bfkunimi]

♡ helloo, so i said i was feeling better but i got sad again and ended up writing a long chapter lol hope you guys are liking this series, it’s been ironically comforting for me to write this so please love it a lot!

pairings: Kuroo x Tsukishima, Tsukishima x Yamaguchi, Kuroo x Kenma

genre: angst, hanahaki disease au, pain

warnings: will make you cry, made me cry lol, hospital setting, cheating, thoughts of suicide

notes: hanahaki disease: a fictional disease born from unrequited love, where the patient’s throat will throw and cough up petals and flowers. but this isn’t a typical hanahaki au, in this story.. the main character (in this case it’s kuroo) finds out that his partner (aka tsukki) doesn’t love him anymore  because he started developing the disease.

if you want to be added to the taglist just send me an ask! ♡

𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯 | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒. 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬, & 𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐬 | 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭

kenma was right when he said he’ll be with me always. he hasn’t left my side ever since i was brought here, and it’s already been two weeks.

luckily he brought all his chargers for his phone and game consoles, so at least he wont be bored. but im sure he’s sick of this.

who knows how long i’ll be here in the hospital, im honestly not getting any better. everyday it gets harder to breathe, every time i cough it feels like my throats being ripped off my neck, and there’s always this heavy feeling in my chest. almost like there’s a gaping hole in it.

there’s still no sign from kei. but i know when kenma thinks im asleep, he calls him to give him updates everyday. most of the time kei doesn’t answer, but kenma still always leaves him a voicemail.

that thought. it still hasn’t left my mind.

as more days pass, the more i want to do it. it’s so tempting, the thought’s so addicting. maybe this is my cure.

the sweet relief of death.

these past two weeks, i’ve been thinking of how i’ll do it. it’s kind of impossible because kenma never leaves my side, he doesn’t sleep much but when he does it’s a small window. i have an idea bu-

“tetsu..” 

me and kenma look up at the same time, seeing kei at the door.

“kenma, can me and kuroo talk privately?” 

“mhm” kenma looks at me sincerely, squeezes my hand, and mouths “i’ll be back” while smiling at me. i smile back at him and he then steps outside.

kei looks so good. i fucking missed him so much. i'm glad he’s finally here.

but as sits where kenma was, the first thing i see is a ring on his finger. 

my heart stopped. god can this get any worse?

he catches me staring at it. he meets my eyes and says, “that’s actually why i came today.”

“kei.. don’t.. please.” i'm begging him to not say it.

he takes my hand, sighs, looks into my eyes and says...

“im here to say my final goodbye to you.. me and tadashi got engaged recently and i think it wouldn’t be fair to you to keep you hanging or lead you into thinking we still have a chance to be together again. this is why i havent been visiting or contacting you.”

im starting to feel that hole in my chest again.

“i know i’m a dick for doing all this, but i know you’re already suffering enough and i don’t want to make you feel any worse. that’s why i asked kenma to take care of you for me, i know you two share a special bond since you were kids and that kenma would do anything for you. so i thought it was perfect. he’s been giving me updates on you everyday but later im gonna ask him to stop. me and tadashi decided to move back to miyagi and start our life together there. im sorry for saying this tetsu but this will be the last time you’ll see me.”

it’s getting emptier.. and emptier..

 “i want to start fresh with tadashi and being here in tokyo, won’t help any of us. even you. i want you to be healthy and recover from this, so please forget about me. find someone new or just focus on yourself and your goals, but don’t hold on to me. it will only make you worse. but thank you for everything for these past five years. thank you for loving me wholeheartedly and for always being there for me. i’ll never forget our time together. just please take care for me okay? do everything you can to overcome this hanahaki disease, recover and live happily, it’s the one thing i ask of you.”

it feels like he’s stabbing me.

he pulls me in for a hug, and i grab onto him tight not wanting to let go.

but i love the pain.. i love him. fuck I can't live without him..

“i love you kei, please.. don’t go..”

he pulls away from the hug and looks at me for the last time.

“goodbye tetsu, im sorry.”

he leaves and tries to find kenma.

blood, tears and petals scatter the bed, as i cough and bawl my eyes out.

- kenma’s pov -

(bolded italicized is kenma’s internal responses to tsukki)

“can you just leave and live your life the way you want?” god im so fucking pissed, how could do that to kuroo?

“leave kuroo alone. and don’t bother coming back to his life because you’re the sole reason why he’s suffering right now. if you care about him even a little bit, don't lead him on, don’t give him hope, just cut him off.” he’s probably devastated right now, ah i gotta check on him. 

“it’s what's best for him.” right after i deal this shithead.

he grabs my hand and says, “okay i will, but please do me a favor.” 

“take care of him for me? don’t ever let him go.” i will never be like you

“never. i would never make that mistake.” bc unlike you i love him so much

he finally left.

ugh kuroo doesn’t deserve that jerk, he threw him away when he needed him the most. i cant leave him alone, i need to stay by his side. but...

he’s gone. as i walk back into his room, all i see is an empty bed, nothing but blood, tears, and petals.