#hes 8 months younger than me and got his drivers license before i did lmao

[itlswhatltls]

While I'm happy that Gavi finally got his drivers license its gonna be sad to see the carpool rides with Pedri be gone 😭😓

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[intimatevoid]

casually steals yet another one from @notfinlandjosswhedon​   

Ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? Huh, I don’t actually know. I’ve done a lot of stuff with people who have those piercings, but kissed? I don’t think so.

What about a lip piercing? Yes, Ash has two.

Nose piercing? Hm. I don’t think so.

Did you sleep alone last night? Nope.

How are you sitting? Slouched in my chair.

Where is your family? In the next room, in Manitoba, in North Carolina, and in Sydney.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? I mean... I don’t really have set sleeping or waking hours. So probably, by “normal” definitions.

What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Crying I think.

Waiting for something? June next year, when I go visit @robotslenderman​ in Sydney.

How many people did you kiss last summer? Two are certain. Three or four are possibilities. Time kinda all runs together for me.

Was yesterday terrible? Yesterday was not a good day.

Did you reject or accept your last friend request? Accept.

Do you like pretzels? I’ve never actually had pretzels before.

Do you wait until you’ve completely finished a certain makeup product before you buy a new one? Yeah, I can’t afford to buy makeup all the time.

Would you say that people consider you a major flirt? Yes, I flirt with many people.

Do any of your friends have children? Yeah, a few of them do.

If you are in a relationship, how long have you been together? Two years as of early September.

Did you wake up before 8 AM this morning? I mean... I was awake AT 8am, but I don’t think that’s what this question means...

Do you wear eyeliner? Yes, I love it.

Whose wall have you wrote on today? Nobody‘s.

Would you rather cry in public or make someone else cry in public? The former. Other people might not be able to handle crying in public, but I can.

Would you rather sleep for 3 days or stay awake for 3 days?

 Stay awake. I just can’t sleep for that long, even when I’m at my most depressed.

Would you rather be just rich or rich and famous? Just rich.

Who will you be sleeping with tonight? Ash, probably.

Last person to make you laugh? @aelwen​, talking about her Superworld characters.

Do you look at older pictures and laugh? Not really.

When will your next kiss be? Probably within a couple of hours.

Have you ever truly thought you knew who you were going to marry? Pfft, marriage is not something I want.

Do you have anything that belongs to a partner or an ex partner? Not “belongs”, no. From them, yes.

What would you say if someone told you they were in love with your sister? I mean, I don’t give a fuck what any of my sisters do, so.

Has anyone called you babe or baby in the last two days? Yeah, I have some friends with whom that term is a pet name. It’s funny; when I was younger I used to hate it. Now, I think it’s really nice within the context of these specific friendships.

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed? Yeah, every day.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to be in your bedroom?

 The last person of a different sex in my bedroom was Ash. The last man, though? Wow, that would have been a long time ago. Probably Seb, last time he visited.

Did you see your best friend today? No. We live very far away from each other.

Are your ears pierced more than once, if at all? Yes, I have four piercings in each ear, and I want more.

If you wear skirts, are you more likely to wear leggings, or go bare? Depends on the day.

Are you addicted to texting? I dislike texting because it’s clumsy and slow, but I’m always messaging people.

How many times do you knock on the door? Usually I text them to say I’m outside. But if I do knock, it’s either three or five raps.

If you could move somewhere else, would you? Montreal, with @aelwen​.

Did you kiss or hug anyone recently? Yes.

Does your phone ring in the middle of the night? My phone barely ever rings, full stop.

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in right now? I mean, there are many people who disappoint me, but very few who I am actually legit bothered by.

Is there someone you will never forget? Many people.

Can you live a day without TV? Yeah, TV (or in my case, TV shows, since I don’t watch aired television) is not really my favourite thing.

Do you swallow gum when you’re done with it? If I can’t be fucked or can’t spit it out into rubbish.

Any plans for this weekend? I miiiiiight be going out somewhere on Friday night. But I don’t think so.

Have you seen anyone lately that you don’t get along with? Not that I can recall.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with that’s not family? @aturinfortheworse​, when I visited them last.

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Not a chance.

Is there anything stressing you out currently? *laughs maniacally*

What kind of mood are you in today? My mood is fine. My depression is awful though.

How late did you stay up last night and why? Again, sleep hours don’t really bother me. It’s after 6am and I haven’t slept, but I also had two short naps during the day.

Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? I usually sleep in the same bed as them.

Are you mad at anyone? Nope.

Did the last guy/girl you kissed have any piercings? The last person I kissed does indeed have piercings. The last girl or guy, on the other hand? Did not.

What is the name of the last band you discovered? I legit have no idea.

Would you rather go to a Katy Perry or Taylor Swift concert? Neither, thank you.

What pattern do the sheets on your bed have? The sheets are plain purple.

Are your days full and fast-paced? Not in the slightest.

Do you call any of your friends by their last name? Nah, except for one person who uses it as their derby name.

Have you ever gotten lost in a department store? Once at Indooropilly. But only once.

How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? A year or so? Ash bought it for me. It’s my red Undertale shirt.

Are you a slut? Sexually, no. But I am very much a slut for emotional connection and sensuality, and I am absolutely a compersion slut.

What happened last time you got drunk? Like properly, fully drunk? @d-eerteeth and I played Just Dance and watched Marble Hornets.

When’s the last time you straightened your hair? It must be like a year ago now. My hair does NOT long being straightened, so I stopped.

What do you want right this second? some money tbh

What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? Sleeping, I think.

What cell phone company do you use? Optus.

Do you wear a bath robe? Nope.

Do you know anyone autistic? Besides myself? Yeah, a few.

How about someone bipolar? Mhm.

What do you want your job to be when you’re older? A body piercer/modder, with an emphasis on clients with special needs who can’t access normal commercial clinics.

What are you listening to? The sound of my computer humming.

Does the last person you texted smoke pot? She sure does.

What did you wear to bed last night? These same clothes.

Who’s in the room with you? It’s just me here.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? Yeah, most people I like are older than me.

Do you like men with beards and goatees? I really do not. Sometimes stubble looks good. But facial hair is seriously not my preference.

Where do you live? QLD, Australia.

Do you always lock your door? Yeaup.

Do you smoke cigarettes? Not for a long time.

Is your birthday in a winter month? Not in Australia, no.

Do you have siblings over the age of 21? Sure do.

What is the last letter of your middle name? A.

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired? Nope. My refusal to do so kinda led to some breakdowns lmao

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Yes.

When was the last time you were told you were cute? Today, by Ash.

Do you like Chinese food? I’ve never tried actual real food from China, but I do like the food from the Chinese place down the road.

Have you ever trusted a guy when you shouldn’t have? Heh, yeah.

Do you have a brother? What’s his name? I have six. In order of age: Andy, David, Moses, Benny, Noah, Sean.

What time is it? 6:18am.

Is your phone close to you? It’s on my desk, a little above my keyboard.

What woke you up this morning? Heartburn.

When did you last use a straw? A couple of days ago.

Have you ever driven without a license? Nope. Was terrified of being arrested.

What color shirt are you wearing? A red print shirt.

Do you have a ceiling fan located in your bedroom? No.

What are you most looking forward to tomorrow? Potentially having enough energy to check out a queer meetup. Honestly it’s the thing I’m most looking forward to about the next week.

Have you cuddled with someone today? Yes.

Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No.

Do you use the toilet paper with the colorful designs on it? Nope. I just buy the cheapest shit that doesn’t feel awful.

What was the first thing you ate today? Muesli.

Do you have anything more important you should be doing right now? Sleeping, probably.

Have you set an alarm today? Nope.

Do you keep up-to-date with current news and events? I try very hard not to.

When was the last time you visited relatives? So long ago that I don’t remember.

Is chapstick a necessity for you? Yeah, especially in winter.

Name the last 6 people you texted/messaged:

Chloe (@aelwen​)

Stevie

Sage (@d-eerteeth)

Dusty (@robotslenderman)

Caitlin (@cookiekitcat)

Maddie @notfinlandjosswhedon)

How did you meet #3? Through a friend of a friend, with the help of awful memes.

What’s #6’s middle name? Don’t have a clue tbh.

Who have you known the longest out of your 6? Chloe and Dusty, I’m not sure exactly but I’ve known both of them since 2009.

Who have you known the least out of your 6? Maddie.

How do you know #5? We played some really good Overwatch together and became friends through that.

Where does #1 live? Manitoba. Too far away. :(

Is #1 your best friend? One of them, yes. <3

Who on your 6 doesn’t have a job? most of them actually

Does #5 have their drivers license? I have no idea tbh!

Would you ever live with #2? Tbh? I don’t think so. Near, but not with.

Why did you text #4? She sent me a lovely gift so I was thanking her.

Do you miss #3? Yeah. We haven’t seen each other in a long time.

Is #6 a stoner or alchie? the definition of this is a matter of some question to us lmao

Have you ever danced with #2? Yes, actually!

Have you ever done anything sexual with any of them?                           No, not really.

What would your life be like without #1? I don’t want to think about that life would be like without her.

Is #2 your best friend? Nope.

What do you love about #3? Sage is intelligent as hell, so resilient it would scare me if they weren’t on my side, competitively generous, and we have such wonderful banter.

What do you dislike about #3? everything go jump off grand central u bitch (um. for anyone else reading this. that was a joke.)

What is #5’s weakness? Cute things!

What kind of car does #4 drive? I don’t think she drives.

What would you do if #3 & #6 were dating? I would be surprised as hell but I mean each to their own y’know.

Does #2 have a boyfriend/girlfriend? She says that the woman she’s with (i don’t remember her name) isn’t her “girlfriend” but honestly she so is

Have you ever seen #1 cry? I have.

Have you ever kept a secret from #5? Not that I’m aware of.

What is something special about #4? I love her with all my heart.

Does #2 have any special talents? She’s good at talking my ear off!

In one word, describe #6. Interesting.

Has anyone in your top 6 hurt you? Who? Yeah, I’ve been... let down.

Have you ever fought with #6? Nope.

Is #1 a musician? She plays piano!

How old is #4? 25~

Would you ever kiss #5 (if you haven’t already)? Obviously assuming everyone affected by it was consenting? Yeah, sure!

[timaltman]

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose however many people you want to tag!

tagged by: @hsinlvegas who has gotten me addicted to pinterest aesthetic boards and i’m mad at her for it but she’s still p rad. 

tagging: whoever wants to do it lmao idk it’s 2:30am here idek whats up or down rn i should probably be asleep but also like.... no.

LAST… [1] drink: water (i’m so exciting /sarcasm) [2] phone call: my mom called me while she was driving home from work  [3] text message: “oh my god no. not the kidz bop. pls no” - to my sister [4] song you listened to: reaching by audiomachine (which is so good pls go listen to it) [5] time you cried: last night thinking about steve irwin and how i owe him my entire life and career bc in 2 weeks i’m starting my first official zookeeping job and he was a huge inspiration for me as a kid 

-REST UNDER THE CUT-

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: no [7] been cheated on: no [8] kissed someone and regretted it: no [9] lost someone special: yes [10] been depressed: ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜) all the fuckin time my dudes [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no but i’ve gotten so anxious i’ve thrown up??

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] teal [13] pale yellow [14] silver

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yes! [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: yes [18] found out someone was talking about you: yeah i mean i’m sure there are like three people who bitch about me all the time lmao [19] met someone who changed you: yes~ (in a good way)  [20] found out who your true friends are: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧ -bitter fucking laughter-  [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: ye - my wonderful girlfriend~

GENERAL… [22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: i mean, i’ve met a lot of them after becoming friends on tumblr, but then i have some old high school friends and some internship friends on here, too.... so like 10 or so? probably a few more than that. [23] do you have any pets: my asshole cat, robin: the cat wonder, lives with me in my apartment. at home i have a beagle/terrier mutt named copper and a gray tabby named dusty. i’m hoping to maybe get a ball python this summer but i’m not sure yet! [24] do you want to change your name: yeah, i’ve considered it b/c trans but i’m not entirely sure what i want yet.... [25] what did you do for your last birthday: wielded a chainsaw, ate shitty walmart cake and watched step brothers with some classmates in a remote cabin in southern illinois? not my first choice but not terrible, all things considered. didn’t lose any limbs that day so i can’t complain. [26] what time did you wake up: robin woke me up at like, 5:30am to get fed, but then i went back to sleep again until 7:30, text billy to have a good day at work, and then i went back to sleep again until 9:45 b/c i didn’t have my 9am class today hell yeah [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: uh, pinterest-ing for my character aesthetic boards.... >_> [28] name something you cannot wait for: graduating college and being the fuck done with schoooooool. also mother fuckin wonDER WOMAN. [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: april 23rd [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: how far away all the ppl i care about are :(((( [31] what are you listening to right now: more audiomachine but i was watching friends in the background earlier [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: ye my old neighbor was named tom he was real nice [33] something that is getting on your nerves: not in the angry way but in the anxious way- i have to give a presentation on my research project to the college board in like... 6 hours. [35] elementary: yes? [36] high school: done [37] college: sO CLOSE TO DONE I LITERALLY HAVE TWO CLASSES LEFT [38] hair color: brown.... it used to have a white patch and be fun, but i dyed it for superboy and now i’m battling with myself debating if i should dye it back bc “””professional””” for jobs but that’s so boring i want to look like shiro again :((( [39] long or short hair: short god please short, regardless of what gender i present, short is so much nicer since my hair is so thiiiiick [40] do you have a crush on someone: ye my a m a z i n g girlfriend uwu  [41] what do you like about yourself?: noncommittal shrug emoji? i like my eye color i think that’s pretty radical since it’s like a gray-teal color. i guess i’m a pretty good resource for random ass animal facts too [42] piercings: mmmm i mean, i don’t care for them or about them that much? [43] blood type: literally no idea which is probably bad [44] nickname: sunshine, sam, sammy, teddy, timmy, timtam, dad [45] relationship status: -heart eyes emojis @ billy- [46] zodiac sign: aries i think? idk all i care is my celtic zodiac is a fox, so [47] pronouns: he/him [48] fav tv show: f ri ck en brooklyn 99 [49] tattoos: not yet, but after i get top surgery and no longer run the disk of mutilating or stretching it, i wanna get tim’s robin symbol on my chest [50] right or left handed: left!

FIRST… [51] surgery: wisdom teeth were my first surgery, i think? [52] piercing: got my earlobes pierced when i was like, 12? idk i don’t wear them anymore so they’ve all but closed up [53] best friend: this girl on the playground in preschool named asya but after her was this girl named natalie that i was friends with from kindergarten all through junior high. she just got married like, a month ago and i feel old [54] sport: like to actually continue with was soccer - i started at 6 i think [55] vacation: that i remember? disney world b/c my dad had drill down in florida so my parents dragged my sister and i with bc we didn’t have to pay for the hotel lol [56] pair of trainers: wut

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothin [58] drinking: water [59] i’m about to: sleep maybe, hopefully?  [60] listening to: still audiomachine since they just asked this question like 10 questions ago..... [61] waiting for: my anxiety to calm tf down so i can go to sleep [62] want: foooood. i ate dinner really early (5pm) and now it’s 10 hours later so i want food again. [63] get married: -super noncommittal and also confused, disgruntled noises- ?? [64] career: dream career is a zookeeper, honestly. it’s what i’m doing, i’ve worked really hard to get to the place where i am, and i’m happy with it

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: no preference [68] older or younger: usually i get along better with ppl older than me- all my closest friends are older by 2 years or more except like..... amy [69] romantic or spontaneous: anxiety and spontaneity don’t mix lmao [70] nice arms or nice stomach: either or both or neither is fine idrc [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant only bc troublemaker makes me anxious lmao

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? nope [75] drank hard liquor? ye i’ve had like. one whole vodka and lemonade in my entire life because i am a raging party animal /sarcasm [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? i lose my contacts in my eyeball sometimes [77] turned someone down? ye kinda. my ~best friends~ have this bad habit of ~falling in love with me~ and then getting pissed when i don’t return the feeling and treating me like crap :))))  [78] sex on first date? nope [79] broken someone’s heart? sure maybe idk. not on purpose. [80] had your own heart broken? no [81] been arrested? nope [82] cried when someone died? i’m a monster and have no feelings so no, not really. i usually go into emotional shock and stop processing everything [83] fallen for a friend: kind of

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? noooope [85] miracles? listen on friday i catered an event and the idiot who packed it up for us on their shift the day before forgot to put matches in the gathering. and the truck drivers loaded it onto the truck before i could check that everything was there. so we got to the location and couldn’t light the sternos for the hot food but somehow we found a box of matches in the kitchenette we were serving out of so yes i believe in miracles [86] love at first sight? maybe? idk not really i really don’t understand how anyone could love someone without knowing a bunch about them first [87] santa claus? billY AND I SAW SANTA ON OUR WAY UP TO C2E2 ON SUNDAY OKAY HIS CAR WAS RED AND SAID “MY OTHER RIDE IS A SLEIGH” AND HIS LICENSE PLATE SAID KRINGLE AND HE HAD A BIG WHITE BEARD IT WAS AMAZING OKAY. [88] kiss on the first date? maybe for ppl who aren’t like. super anxious about everything all the time [89] angels? no

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: marble, emma [91] eye color: teal-gray, which sounds pretentious and White Person af but like..... that’s the best way to describe them [92] favorite movie: i don’t knowwww that’s a hard one ;_; 

[thestarmaker]

"ask me anything and ill answer honestly" alright then, no. 46 :))

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

oh gosh nonnie buckle up ^-^ because i definitely dooooo…

Let me tell you a story, a story i had to put under a read more b/c fuck that got long lmao

so. there’s this boy. he’s like 5′8″ tall but he claims he’s like 5′11″ because for some reason that’s what his driver’s license says. He’s between 8 and 9 months younger than me (i can’t do math rn lmao) and he has soft, curly brown hair and lovely blue-ish eyes. He has a little lisp and it makes his voice even cuter i swear. And oh my lord he has the softest skin i have ever felt. Also… god his figure is great if i may say…

So there’s the physical details. Now onto the important stuff haha: he is literally one of the kindest people i have ever met. he always tries to see the best in people before passing a judgement and he has something good to say about almost everyone, and i’m not exaggerating. He has a smile that genuinely makes my heart jump, and his laugh. holy fuck his laugh. it is to the ears as aloe is to sunburned skin, and he laughs a lot because he is just such a sweetheart i swear. 

He is/was in the grade/year below me (he’s gonna be in 12th grade this year; i just graduated high school) and started going to a private school in the area going into 9th grade, so we never talked before this past school year when my friends met him on a trip to Europe that he happened to be on. My friends were talking about him to me before i met him and they were like��“oh my god you two would get along great the friendship would be so pure” and i was like…. ok…. that sounds fake but ok…. b/c i didn’t really want to hear about him much as i have a tendency to fall for kind people and that was mostly what i was hearing about him. I could feel myself falling for someone i’d never met and i was terrified. I was 17 and i still hadn’t found anyone that loved me as much as i loved them. I didn’t want to go through that yet again. So i tried not to think about him.

Well.

One day after school me and said friends were hanging out after school at a playground just down the street, which was good because i had to get back to school in like an hour for musical rehearsal, but it was only like a 20 minute walk. I set an alarm so i would be able to start walking back with plenty of time to spare. We were hanging out, drinking monsters and eating mcdonalds b/c one of our friends works there and snagged us free food, when i heard the infamous words: “Oh yeah tom’s coming!”

I sighed. Looks like i couldn’t avoid it any longer. So he pulled into the parking lot a few minutes later, and everyone said hi to him, including myself. And then he and i started talking, and i knew i was definitely falling for him already. But fuck it, i thought. he’s easy to talk to and he does seem really nice.

I moved my alarm back so i would just make it back to school in the nick of time because i didn’t want to leave him earlier than i had to. We talked until i could stay no longer.

The cold of early March didn’t bother me on the walk back that day, now that i think about it.

So I think that was either a Tuesday or Wednesday. The next day or two i was genuinely afraid because i knew i liked him but what was to say he did or ever would like me, right? History repeats itself, right?

Well on Friday, we had our tech rehearsal for the musical, six days from premiere night. Same routine as normal, friends and i walk to the playground and hang out there for a while, but then both me and my friend Dani who was on stage crew walked back together. We walked into the school and guess who we saw?? Mhm, who else but the boy who was so easy to talk to but made me so afraid.

He was there because one of the other girls in the cast is a good friend of his. But she just so happened to be one of the leads and she was on stage a lot, and i had a minor part and wasn’t on stage very often (which was fine with me b/c i have a little bit of stage fright) so literally for like 4 hours we talked. And talked. And talked. And we only stopped when i had to go onstage or do a change up my costume (i had the same one for the whole play, but it changed a little from scene to scene on occasion). i didn’t even go inside the dressing room during intermission because we were talking so much.

After rehearsal, i was texting Dani being like “shit dude i really like him” and she was like “you know he’s never dated before either, right?” and i was of course dumbfounded because??? He genuinely seemed like the kind of guy to have any girl or guy he wanted for that matter be down for a relationship. I mean me not finding anyone i could understand but him??? I still don’t understand it, like i actually can’t think of how that’s possible.

At the time i was thinking about not even going to senior prom because i knew i’d never find a date, even as a friend. That’s just not how my life was going.

But Dani came to my rescue, and i still remember the text she sent me saying how tom was “down for prom and maybe dating,” and oh there were tears on my end. He and I went and saw a movie the next day (not as a date, just to get to know each other a little bit) and, well, it was kind of a sad movie. During one of the parts that got to him he leaned over to me and asked if he could hug me because he “didn’t expect it to be this sad,” and let me tell you my heart melted.

That was on a Saturday, the day after we first really started talking. The Saturday was March 4th, the day after Friday, March 3rd.

Come the following Friday, after school but before my call time for the second performance (which he was attending), we went on our first date. We went to the beach and sat in his car for a long time (because, again, early March is cold here), just talking about a lot of things and listening to music. After we talked for a while, he put his arm around me and i leaned into his shoulder, which is surprisingly uncomfortable when one of you is in the driver’s seat and the other is in the passenger’s seat. But we just listened to the waves on the shore for a while, before i had to get back to school again.

He dropped me back off, and i asked what we were. He said he wasn’t sure, and i wasn’t either honestly. But about an hour later we were texting and we decided that, yes, we’d call ourselves a couple.

That was March 10th. aka just over 5 months ago. aka a week after his birthday - March 3rd, the day we started talking.

We’re still very much together and I’ve never felt more loved and more secure and honestly I’ve never been happier. He is genuinely the best thing that ever happened to me, and he is so incredibly sweet to me and I love him with all my heart, and he’s @jimboakimbo

So, anon, I hope you enjoyed the answer ^-^