#hesnotavillain

[hesnotavillain]

is there still anyone here?

it's trully been ages and tbh i almost didn't remembered the right email or password. i was creating an account on substack, since apparently that's a thing now (or has been forever and i'm only now finding about bc people are sharing theirs on my timeline) bc i was feeling like writing to no one really, just to put some feelings into words and then i remembered this "place" exists.

so funny (and cringe, obviously) getting to see how i spent years and years and lived through so much mental illness and so many fictional obsessions. this is like a museum of a lifetime, im not kidding.

writing this is also making me see how fucking bad my english actually is nowadays (if it was ever better)

let's see. im 23. got in college last year. quit my antidepressants the year before - which was also the year the guy i was seeing (because surprise surprise, you're bi!) and didn't have much expectations on became my boyfriend and potential future husband. i love him very much and we laugh a lot together. ngl i do miss women sometimes tho. just that specific sapphic atmosphere you know? dont really see myself away from it for the rest of my life. i mean, that just sounds like a very long time.

oh! i started the gym very recently. cant say that it changed my life yet, but honestly im hoping on that. it doesnt really have to change my life, but if it gets me some dopamine to go through my days with a nice ass as a bonus, i'll be happy. eating is not really the problem, cooking is. im too fucking lazy and this is actually the biggest fucking rock on my shoes. is that even a saying outside brazil? anyway.

i want to say i miss being a teenager, like maybe being 16-19 but man how can i say this when i was so fucking miserable mentally for way before that. im way better now, but sometimes i miss it and i know that really the only thing i miss is not having a real thought about anything that concerns real life because i was too drowned on gay content and too engaged with my internet friends. lmao. that sure was the life huh.

i dont think this writing exercise is working, but i also dont know what there is to 'work' really. i feel like there's a zillion subjects travelling aroung my mind all the time and i wanna deal with each but never know where to start so i guess that explains the messines.

im kinda excited to turn 30 (in a I'm Totally Romanticizing Turning 30 From Now On Because I Believe I'll Be At My Finest Era slightly delusional way). (if global warming even let us get there without massively destructing my mediocre reality). im also scared of the day i'll lose my loved ones. i feel like for the first time in my life im starting to understand that there's just so much life to live. so much life. how can every single possible thing, even the good ones, result on anxiety tho.

im already tired of this (writing) and dont know how to finish but for now i guess the substancial thing i can't forget is that i made it to right here and i'm the one who can get me to right there. so. just keep rolling my dudes.

[beepbeepbuckaroo]

I was tagged by the lovely @harringtonsteeve, thank you so much hun! 

Rules: Put your entire music library on shuffle and list the first 10 songs that come up. Then tag 10 others to do the same!

1. Funnel of Love - Wanda Jackson

2. Love Myself - Olivia O’Brien 

3. I Want Love - Elton John 

4. Richie Tozier - OK Otter

5. Movement - Hozier

6. Dream Sweet in Sea Major - Miracle Musical 

7. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me - The Smiths

8. All Your Favorite Bands - Dawes

9. How Lucky Am I? - The Lemon Twigs

10. Coming of Age - Foster The People

Tag: *Please do not feel like you have to do this if you do not want to, I completely understand!*: @ayesleigh @hesnotavillain @itmovieunofficial @motherofbutter @eve-unsolved @thescientistswife @probably-just-a-human @rightasrain23 @spirit-box-me-daddy @the-deepest-green

[cazeaje]

Okay, sweetest @barn-s tagged me and I appreciate it so much??

answer some questions, then tag nine people you want to get to know better!

top three ships:

- batman/joker

- hannibal lecter/will graham (hannibal)

- emma swan/regina mills (once upon a time)

lipstick or chapstick: lipstick

last song: like real people do - hozier

last movie: toc toc

reading: more than this - patrick ness (although I stopped it forever ago sksjdj)

Tagging like five people @fandomsnerd , @baffled-pies , @wasting-time-again , @detectiveshurley , @hesnotavillain

[vaindumbass]

@hesnotavillain still had this in my gallery😅

[hesnotavillain]

me: *spends several hours reblogging snowbaz while ugly crying bc i miss them so much*

also me @ me: u think people can tell i'm this obsessed

[hesnotavillain]

🖤🖤🖤HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🖤🖤🖤

thank you kayyyy 💘 hope you're doing okay!!

[vaindumbass]

So, @peppermintkiddo i miiiight just have deleted you ask, but I do remember that I should list 5 things that made me happy and tag three persons, so here goes:

1. Big, (empty) silent places (no i dont know why)

2. Just... going fast (again, i dont know why)

3. Being/talking with the ones i care about (i know its cliché, shuddup)

4. Petting animals!! (Did that today!)

5.if i hadnt deleted this ask :(

Your turn @peppermintkiddo , @myrry and @hesnotavillain !