#hey so B))) remember awhile ago when we discussed these two

[greedbent]

@howthesleeplesswander || surprise starter for human!Spring! 〔´∇｀〕

“Didn't I tell you to be more careful?”

And if Kaz had startled the poor girl by his coming up behind her with no word of warning or semblance of a greeting before delivering harsh judgment . . . Good. He slid in easily at her side, matched her pace in a heartbeat, and kept on walking with the nonchalance of this being entirely planned between the two of them. The hour was late, but the streets remained—as ever—loud and bustling with the night life of the Barrel: distant clattering of coin in the gambling houses, cacophonous whooping and hollering of tourists hoping for a lucky break after hours of emptying their pockets (too inebriated now to care about their losses), an entire collection of drunkards wandering the dimly lit paths (with a few simply tucked away in corners quite possibly whimpering into their knees over their life choices).

Simply put: Not a place where this particular woman should be. Looking like she did. Young. Fair. Pretty. Wide-eyed. Innocent. Gullible. So out of place Kaz almost wondered if she had put effort into it, as if she'd found a manual on all the ways to appear the easiest target and followed it to the letter.

She might as well just be wearing a sign.

Even if Spring had flinched and briefly stumbled over herself, Kaz continued with nothing more than a pointed look back at her: Keep up. Don't draw more attention. As his own gaze kept a vigilant watch over their surroundings, he pinpointed any set of eyes turned their way. Her way, specifically. And the less than respectful whistling from a small group of the aforementioned drunkards (the ones who were high off the intoxication rather than low and miserable) as they watched Spring pass was what brought Kaz closer to her side.

“You shouldn't come here alone,” he reiterated, choosing at that moment not to announce that he'd already . . . persuaded a few pickpockets off her tail mere minutes ago. “Especially at this hour.” Kaz pursed his lips, made a quick move to steer Spring down a quieter street. “What the hell are you doing? No one has a dying need for flowers so urgent you'd have to make a delivery in the middle of the night. Or have you just had a spiritual calling to a new profession?”

“Spiritual” was not the right description for the “profession” implied here.

[animemeg27]

I feel like I complain a lot about work on twitter so I’ma rant here for a change so I’m not so negative in one space, but honestly depending on how my work’s new owners deal with this situation, I’m genuinely considering looking for a new job next month..

I was just on the phone with one of the new owners and I actually broke down crying a bit...

lemme explain the situation

It’s a friday, it’s lunch time, it’s hot out, that morning a fight broke out between dogs because dog A wants to fence fight with dog B whenever he walks by, dog B is chill but will defend himself so he fence fights back. Dog C is in the same yard as Dog A and because dog A is reacting aggressively, dog C wants to join in and the only dog he can get to is dog A. All 3 dogs are of large strong breeds so obviously sometimes they can be a handful if they get out of control. Asshole coworker is in the yard with the fighting dogs and luckily had them on leash so he had them both at arms length and dragged them away from the fence. Doggy Day Kamp manager in my yard with dog B goes over to Asshole’s yard to help keep them two apart as the Asshole’s hand got bit and is bleeding. The dogs are never put away, but are kept on leash until they’re calm enough the Asshole finally goes to wash his hand. The Manager keeps the leash on the instigator, dog A, and soon the dogs in that yard are moved away into the backyard so they don’t see dog B and start another fight.

I personally don’t know why the hell dogs A and B were in yards next to each other when I’m pretty sure it was established awhile ago that dog A hates dog B. But the Asshole has a superiority/dog trainer complex when he is neither of those things so I wouldn’t put it past him if it was his idea.

Couple hours later Assistant manager comes in for her shift and hears about the fight. She tells the Asshole “hey next time put the dogs away when they fight so they can calm down” cuz ya know, that’s standard protocol. It’s dangerous to have em still out because the aggressive energy can build up again with other reactive dogs still in the yard that could still be anxious from the fight that just happened. A fight broke out literally a week prior and SHE had her hand bitten and that same dog C was involved and he was put away. That time all dogs were going after one in the yard and many of the dogs were ok in doing so because dog C was in on it and riling everyone up. Ya know what the asshole says? “that’s not gonna do anything they’re not children putting them in time out won’t teach them anything” completely ignoring her who’s been here at least as long as I have aka 7 years while he’s hardly been here more than half a year. Like um they ain’t human either they’re dogs aka animals so they can be kind of unpredictable when they are in such a reactive state. The assistant manager is just as sick of him as I am and scoffs but doesn’t have the energy to argue. The asshole had really been pissing her off lately by kind of bossing her around out of nowhere when the manager had been on vacation earlier in the month.

few hours later it’s lunch time, and this is where shit goes down... kinda literally. Asshole leaves for lunch. Or so I thought. We were in the same yard and he left through one of the side pens, but he found a missed pile of dog poop in there so he decides to pick it up himself. Ok whatever. He leaves the gate open a bit and a little dog slips through. he picks him up and puts him back in the main yard, I come over and close the gate over so he can hurry and pick up the poop and head to lunch. He tells me to leave it open because the dogs won’t learn anything if I close it. like dude it’s just poop, so I kept the gate shut. granted I didn’t say anything, but my logic was who the hell wants to spend and extra 5-10 minutes dealing with dogs trying to slip through a gate depending on which dogs come over just to pick up poop instead of wanting to head to lunch as soon as possible. So he says something along the lines of “what is wrong with you” or “what is your problem” to which I simply responded with “Just go to lunch, I’ll take care of it.” My patience with him was thin already but at this point it was just gone. This asshole is so obsessed with teaching dogs in general but also not to slip through gates that he always get so angry, or at least really annoyed and pissed off at me whenever I try to help holding dogs back, like I was taught to do, especially ones that are more difficult - ones that are strong or speedy and don’t sit still and take every opportunity to slip through the gate. like it’s understandable to try and teach them, but it can be a long process, especially with the more difficult ones. No one really has time for that when we’re busy or need to be someplace. In the end he just picked up the poop while I had the gate shut. When he left for lunch for real he said “I’d suggest you don’t get on my bad side” to which all I had to say to him was “really?????” like he hadn’t been on my bad side for at least the past 6 months. I can’t remember if he mumbled something under his breath but my last words to him as he left were “you’re not the manager”

now up until this point, I didn’t realize my heart was racing. like  “I’d suggest you don’t get on my bad side” like what the fuck is that supposed to mean???? Honestly he’s got such a shit personality I wouldn’t put it past him to actually do something threatening. So I put in a request from July onward to never work with him ever again. I never mentioned anything that happened because I had actually grown nervous of having him confronted and I wanted to wait for things to theoretically cool down before I said anything. I wrote a solid list of 10 reasons why I can’t stand him anymore if I was ever asked about my request in preparation.

Unknown to me at the time, the Assistant manager who had been in the next yard over had heard the threat he said to me and confronted him with one of the new owners about it and he actually got a serious scolding. So a couple days later when my request was received and the Kennel manager wanted to talk to me, I was surprised to learn they already knew the story and wanted to confirm that that was why I had made such a request as the kennel manager knew I’d never do something like that unless it was serious. We talked a bit and the owner that had scolded the ass was there and was reassuring me that they were on my side and even THEY didn’t really like him and there was talk of potentially firing him and the owner asked if I wanted an apology and I said “sure” but I doubt it would ever be serious or genuine and it’s not like I’d forgive him or be ok working with him again.

I was hoping he’d be fired, but unfortunately we’re only hiring teenagers with no work experience atm instead of people who know what they’re doing in the kennels or around dogs so if he were to be let go it’d be a while before he can be officially replaced. And the owners have made it clear as much as they don’t like him or his methods, there is a sense of a little more control in the day kamp yards. Anyway, because people’s shifts are all over the place it’s difficult to properly set aside a time to really discuss things. They’re trying their best to “knock him down a peg or two” to get him to better respect his coworkers and what not. I dunno how that’s going cuz I do my best to not engage with him and be in a separate yard as much as possible.

Anyway, it’s been like a week, it’s the last week of the scheduled month, next months schedule will be coming out in a day or so, and the other new owner called me to talk about how we’re gonna deal with next month. On monday we briefly talked... while the asshole was still in the other yard?? about the situation and whether or not I was comfortable talking with him to work things out so there’s no miscommunication because the assistant manager and the ass were I guess able to work something out. Whether or not he actually listens to her from now on would be interesting to see, but I’m standing my ground on the fact that I’m putting up with him for the last assigned week of the month, then I want nothing to do with him ever again. I gave a quick “no” to talking with him. The new owner said we can continue the talk about the situation the next day. Yesterday rolls around and obviously we’re busy and there’s no time for that.

So today the new owner called. Reiterating how much of an asset I am up in day kamp, and how much they still need the asshole, and if there’s any chance I might still work up there and talk it out with him. This is were I start tearing up and choking up. I told her “it’s just been slowly building up over the past several months and that was the last straw” and “sorry, no”. She reassured me she didn’t want to make me uncomfortable or upset or force me to do something I didn’t feel comfortable doing, and understood the ass was, well, an ass to me and had no respect for me or my other coworkers. She revealed that apparently the ass interpreted me holding the gate closed was an “act of disrespect” towards him when she understood that was ridiculous as she knew closing a gate so dogs don’t escape is what you’re supposed to do. as if and “act of disrespect” gives him the right to casually threaten someone. Like I don’t even care if he was having a bad day getting his hand bitten, you’re bringing that bs on yourself. She said he wants to apologize and I dunno how true that actually is or if he’s just been guilted into it, but again I said an apology would be nice but it won’t change the way I feel about him. Anyway she said she’d like to talk to me again tomorrow when I’m in work cuz I forgot to mention I had off today and that’s why I received a call, cuz by that time I’ve got tears and snot running down my face like a fool lol I’m glad it wasn’t in person.

But also I never told my parents about this and my work doesn’t have my cell number only my home number so it was my dad who answered and handed me the phone and I talked to the owner in my room so no one would hear. But with my face as it was it was clear I’d been crying, but I hadn’t scrubbed my face or gotten dressed yet so I took that as the perfect excuse to hide my red eyes before returning the phone downstairs and taking my own dog for a walk.

But yeah they really want me in day kamp. And I really don’t wanna work with the ass. and the ass only works in day kamp. There was a time where I actually almost prefered day kamp to kennel work, but since the ass was hired that’s quickly reversed. I want to be in the kennel. I’ll do the annoying chores I don’t care. I cannot be anywhere near him. I refuse. The tension and awkwardness is too great, I’ll be too stressed out in day kamp. If they put me in day kamp most of the month, or more than twice a week which even that is a bit of a stretch, I need to look for another job because I cannot do that any more. I really don’t want to leave because I more or less have job security here, they need me, but I cannot come to work and deal with this shit anymore.

we’ll just have to see how next month’s schedule turns out.. :/

[curatedkmen]

“Closer”chapter II

Song rec: Blood Knows - Rhye

2016

“Seonho have you met everyone? This is Bae Sung Woo hyungnim, Park Sodam, and…” Le Dong Ha was introducing everyone to Seonho who just came in the theatre meeting room for a first script reading with the cast of “Closer.”

Closer. The theatre play that leave a huge impression in Seonho’s heart, mind, and body. After the alley accident that happened 6 years ago, Seonho could not get rid of Geunyoung’s image in his head. Well despite the fact that Moon Geunyoung is an actress and she is everywhere on tv so it’s impossible to forget her face but he specifically could not get rid of the image of Geunyoung kissing him and moaning between their kisses while his three fingers were moving deep inside her. That night when he went home, he was feeling a little pain and discomfort on his scrotum. The guy was feeling the symptoms of blue balls from holding that erection for a long time without having an orgasm. He got home riding the subway, went to his room and took a bath, feeling ecstatic from remembering Geunyoung’s face when she came and painful at the same time from his dick. 

A month after that alley accident, yes, Seonho prefered to call it an accident because both can't possibly know that they were gonna make out in an alley with strangers they just met in a club, Seonho went to the military. Fulfilling his duty as a South Korean citizen for 18 months and came back again as a theatre actor. 

He continued to land on offers and more offers for a theatrical role. He was given the nickname “theatre idol” because of how famous he is amongst the theater fans due to his great acting and irresistible dimples. His career gradually grew as he got more important roles and played in biggere auditoriums, which showed how more and more people were expecting his performance on stage. 

He continued with his life and had a couple of girlfriends but no one could ever help him forget Moon Geunyoung. 

One day in April, Seonho received news from his theatre crews about a role in “Closer” stage play that was going to be held in the second half of the year. He was offered the role of Dan.

When he first got a call from the directors, he almost lost his shits. He was so happy because he loved the play so much, the range of emotions, the dialogues, and the build up was so stupidly intense but delicate at the same time so as a theatre freak he was so excited to challenge himself in that role. 

“Kim Seonho-ssi, I’m sure you've heard about the offer, so I just want to confirm if you would like to join us on this year’s “Closer.” I watched you a lot already, I couldn’t watch “True West” but I watched “Almost Maine” and you were brilliant in it.”

“Yes, Director. I would love to join you. It is an honor, really. I have been a fan of “Closer” for a really long time. I would love to challenge myself to bring Dan into life this time.”

“Wonderful, I’m so glad to hear that. Oh did you perhaps watch “Closer” in 2010?”

“Yes, yes I did. It was a month before my enlistment so I couldn’t miss it”

“Actually we will have some of the same actors from “Closer” 2010 but it is still being discussed”

Seonho almost could not believe his ears. Same actors? Don't tell me she’s gonna play as Alice again? I’m not sure I can behave for the second time looking at her in that freaking dress for fuck sake.

“Really? Which actors is it?”

“Bae Sung Woo and I’m not sure again with the others. But I’m sure you’ll see them all in two weeks for our first reading”

“Okay Director, I will see you in two weeks then. Thank you very much again for this opportunity”

Seonho couldn't get the thought out of his mind that Geunyoung might be acting again on this year's closer again but he just decided to not let that thought bother him or even to ask the director about it and see for himself if In two weeks he will find her in the room for their first script reading.

Two weeks went by and he finally met his co-stars on the first group reading when he first entered the room. He quickly screened everyone out to make sure the girl that he would love to see once again but at the same time also the girl that he would hate to see in this setting is not in the room. Thankfully she was not there. 

“Sunbaenim, I actually went and saw ‘Closer’ six years ago and I watched the one where you were acting as Larry. I just wanna say that I admire you as an actor and it is an honor to be able to act in this year’s ‘Closer’ with you” Seonho said to Bae Sung Woo as they wrapped up the script reading session. 

“Thank you Seonho. It is like a fate then that you’re here now acting as Dan six years later. I’m really looking forward to your performance, I’m sure it’s gonna be great” 

Next to Bae Sung Woo was Park Sodam who acted as Alice in the play. She overheard Seonho talking to Sung Woo and jumped into the conversation. 

“You’re so lucky Oppa, I did not watch the Closer in 2010, I wish I did. Did you watch the one where Sung Woo Oppa and Geunyoung Unnie were in it?”

“Uhm yeah actually I watched the one with Moon Geunyoung in it” Seonho answered her question while trying to stay calm.

“Oh gosh, I bet she was amazing as Alice. I should call her and ask for advice.”

Seonho forgot for a second that these people in front of him have been working in the industry for years and it came as no surprise that they knew Geunyoung, the verteran actress. Suddenly, he felt a hand landed on his right shoulder, he looked towards his right, apparently Park Eunsok, the one who was gonna play Dan other than him, now stood beside him. 

“Hey you should invite her to come to our play Sodam-ah. For old time sake. I’m sure she would love to see it. I will contact her as well so she’ll come hahaha. Sung Woo Hyung you should also invite her!” Park Eunseok said eagerly.

Fuck, oh right he worked with her in that drama last year. Why does everyone know her? Well she could come when Park Eunseok plays instead then I’ll be saved. I’ll just see her from far away in the audience seats. 

A month later, after countless practice, they finally had their first show. Seonho had been so busy practicing for his role that he forgot about his worries about the possibility of Geunyoung watching the show for a while. He did a lot of shows already for 2 weeks and he had not seen Geunyoung in sight. He thought maybe she came already when Park Eunseok was playing as Dan and he did not even bother to ask Sodam or Eunseok because he could not even bear saying her name in front of her colleagues or friends. 

Until one day, in the middle of the show, he was saying his lines for the scene where he was arguing with Alice. He sat on a chair facing towards the right side of the audience. As the emotion built up, among the words of Dan, he spotted those eyes. 

The eyes that he could not possibly forget since he first saw them so close six years ago. Moon Geunyoung was amongst the audience. Wearing a black dress and a grey sweater on top of it. Even in the darkness he could see her eyes shining. He was lost in her eyes for a split second as she was also looking at him from her seat before he continued to deliver his lines. His heart was beating so fast he felt like he could explode on that stage in that second. The sudden adrenaline rush has caused him to scream louder when he finally hit the moments where he had to show frustrations to Alice. He thought that maybe letting it all out would reduce the surge of energy that he was feeling after he saw Geunyoung in the audience. 

The show finally ended, successfully, like usual. All casts went backstage to do a short evaluation and to pray once again for another successful show next week. Afterwards, usually the cast’s close friends or colleagues approached them backstage to say congrats and all. 

Seonho was talking to one of his college friends when he saw Geunyoung again, entering the room and went straight to Park Sodam to congratulate her. She had not seen him yet so Seonho had the liberty to stare at her still in disbelief from across the room since he was not able to do it in the auditorium. Not long after, Bae Sung Woo and Park Eunseok approached Geunyoung and Park Sodam. Seonho can see the four of them talking and laughing from where he was standing.

Not long after, his college friend bid him goodbye and so he was finally left alone. He was not able to think straight. He knew that Geunyoung just saw his performance on stage and now she is in the room standing just 7 metres from where he was standing. He did not have the guts to approach her. Not tonight. So he just packed up his stuff hurriedly and when he was finally done, he turned around and he felt like his heart dropped. Park Sodam was standing in front of him. 

“Kkamjjag-iya, why Sodam-ah? What’s wrong?” he said hurriedly while putting his right hand on his chest. 

Park-Sodam looked at him while trying to hide her laugh, “why are you so surprised Oppa? Hahaha you’re so red right now.”

“It’s just, because it’s hot here.”

“Wait are you leaving? No way, I want to introduce you to Geunyoung Unnie first. You’ll love her. You don't know her right?”

“No it’s fine you don't have-” 

Before he could finish his sentence, Sodam was already calling Geunyoung, “Unnie, come here” and she looked towards them. Now he could not possibly just run away. As Geunyoung walked towards them, he could feel his heart beating even faster every time she took a step closer to him. 

“This is Kim Seonho Oppa, he played as Dan earlier. He is good right? He said he saw Closer in 2010 when you were in it. Talking about fate huh and now he is in it”  

Geunyoung was standing in front of him, looking even more dazzling, mature and beautiful from the last time he saw her. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you again Seonho-ssi. It’s been awhile” she offered her hand and he shook it while trying his best to stay calm and to not smile creepily. The moment his hand touched hers, he felt like screaming inside. 

“Wait, you guys know each other? How?” Sodam asked in curiosity. Before he could answer Sodam, Geunyoung spoke.

“We had a drink together after my show in 2010, i met him in that Jazz club near this auditorium.” 

Seonho was so surprised at her answer, he thought she would pretend to not recognize him and besides, forgetting a face of a stranger after 6 years of not meeting them is understandable for him. Even when that stranger fingered you the first time you met. 

“Really? But you guys did not know each other before that? Interesting“ Sodam said as she smiled at both of them cheekily. “Well, you guys should catch up then. I’m gonna talk to Eunseok Oppa for a sec” and so they were left alone. 

“You look so handsome Seonho-ssi. I was enjoying your performance earlier. Dan really suits you. Finally I got to see you on stage six years later huh” Geunyoung broke the silence. She was lying when she said he was handsome. She thought he looked so hot the whole time Seonho was acting as Dan on stage, but she could not bring herself to say that. That suit and tie and the way he delivered his lines and acted out Dan’s emotions was so sexy. She could feel herself as Alice as she fell in love with this Dan on stage. 

“Thank you. You look-” he took a pause to find the appropriate words, “very pretty tonight. Thanks for coming to our show.” 

“When I saw you on stage, I wished I was Alice.” 

Seonho could not believe what Geunyoung just said to him. He stared at her in silence, hoping the woman in front of him would say something but she just stood there smiling at him.

“What do you mean?” 

“I guess I’ve missed you? Can we talk in private?”

[birdsandspades]

I Was Never Good at Waiting (Sugawara X Reader) Chapter 3

- It was your last year in highschool, everything had been going smoothly until you got assigned the new teacher. Sugawara Koushi was handsome, maybe too handsome for his own good. Be he wasn't flirting with you right, teachers shouldn't do that....I guess we will see where this year goes.

Word Count - 3,163

----

Sunlight peeked through your blinds as the soft vibrations from your phone woke you from your dreams. Opening one eye you turned to look at the digital clock on your desk next to your bed. It was 6:00 a.m, time for you to get ready for the day. Lifting your legs into the air you rotated side to side, gathering enough momentum for you to roll yourself off the bed. 

Soft padded footsteps echoed through the silent house as you meandered to the bathroom. You ran your hand over the wall a few times, finally hitting the light switch. The lights flickered on, your eyes burning at the sudden shift in brightness. You rubbed circles on them with your palms, fuzzy white dots filling your vision. 

After the blurry vision dissipated you took a look at your groggy state. Most of the hair that had been inside of your bun had found it's way out, standing up in various directions. The underneath of your eyes were sunken and dark, but this was normal. Tired was just another word to describe your features at this point. Taking out your hair tie you combed through your nest like hair while turning on the shower, attempting to guide the temperature to a desirable position.

Stripping yourself of your nightly bedwear, you stepped inside and pulled the door closed. You recoiled as the cold water hit your back, cursing as you adjusted the temperature once again. Your morning showers were quick, only for the purpose of taming your bedhead, you showered at night for cleanliness. You ran through your morning shower cycle quickly before shutting off the water. You felt around for your towel, grabbing at nothing. You pulled open the shower door, glaring at the empty towel rod. You look in a deep breath, sprinting out of the warm bathroom and into the cold hallway. You b-lined for the linen closet, practically ripping it off it's hinges as you pulled something warm and fuzzy out of the dark hole in the wall. 

After your refreshing, brisk morning run you towel dried you and your wet feet prints.You peaked out of the bathroom again, looking at the bright red numbers on your clock, 6:15. 

Next you brushed your hair, teeth, and dressed yourself for class. Today’s dress was for the most part what you wore every day. A short sleeved light blue button up, a faded red tie (the same one you had received on your first day of first year), your tan plaid pleated shirt, black knee high socks, and to top it off the one thing you could change as you pleased. Most days you opted for the light cream colored sweater vest under your white school jacket, but today felt like a cream cardigan kind of day instead. Most likely because the news reports called for a rainy day today, but also because you wanted to mix it up. 

Your makeup was easy to put on, your hair was just as simple. You had always liked leaving it down but always brought a ponytail just in case. The watch ticking away on your wrist read 6:45, your morning was passing by fast. You gathered your bag and coat before walking downstairs and laying them on the couch. 

Pulling open the fridge doors you pulled out everything you had prepped the night before, all you really had to do was assemble it in your lunch box and you could leave for school. Once you finished that you put it all away and placed your lunch in your bag before pulling on your coat and situating your bag on your shoulder. Walking out the door you locked it behind you and started your walk to school.

Your trip was always the longest part of your day, you had chosen Sejoh because of the impact it had on your moms adolescent life, sure it was out of the way. But that's what legs and trains were for right? 

It took you approximately an hour and fifteen minutes to get to the school from your house. In that time you would walk fifteen minutes to the train station, take two different trains to the station by the school, and walk another ten minutes to the actual school. As long as you were on time, the distance didn’t matter. 

You liked to use the time for writing, mostly songs. It was a hobby only your friends knew about, they also were the only two who knew about the band you had joined last year. It was never an end game option for you, no career would ever come out of the group of ragtag college students who had formed the group years ago. But they were nice enough to let you sing for them when the original member had graduated and moved on from the dream. As long as you could come up with songs, and of course make the time for practice, well they liked having you around. 

You would love to tell the volleyball club about what you did during your weekends away from the club and schoolwork. You probably would have if it wasn’t for the looming threat of every single shitty dive bar you performed at finding out that you indeed were seventeen (going on eighteen, that was important), and in fact not twenty one. But whatever, you were having fun. 

You walked past the front gates and into the lockers at around 8:10, twenty minutes before classes would start. Siding on your slippers you placed your practice gear and outside shoes inside your locker. Today would be your first practice back, it was exciting to say the least.

“Hey, we haven't talked in awhile.” A sweet voice turned your attention away from your thoughts. 

“Yoshiki, hi.” You looked the boy over in surprise, the morning fog still leaving your brain.

“So your homeroom teacher this year is Sugawara-sensei huh? He comes to my class after lunch for science. He seems nice, he made some really bad science jokes yesterday when he introduced himself.” Yoshiki laughed as he remembered the not so funny pun. It reminded you both of simpler, less uncomfortable times you both shared so long ago. 

“I wish I could have heard them.” You giggled, mostly with Yoshiki and less at the statement. I felt nice to take in the easy feeling of being together again, even if it was fleeting. “He was pretty straightforward with the homeroom class. Probably because Yua wouldn’t shut up.”You walked with him down the hallway, his pace matching with yours as you talked.

“I could tell you some of them over lunch.” He paused as you reached your classroom door, his foot digging into the tile. “Unless things are still weird between us?” He couldn’t meet your eyes, his heart pounding in his chest. You had rejected him once, could twice be just as bad?

“Sure, that would be great. Since we ruled out the potentially dating option, all that's left is to go back to being friends again.” You let out an out of place laugh, your enthusiasm forced. You felt awkward, your attempt at mending the relationship uncomfortable to your own ears. 

He on the other hand smiled, it seemed to be just the words he was hoping for. He gave you a brief wave before leaving for his own classroom.

He was right, things were still weird between you. But that's what happens when you fall in love for the first time, try to go on a date, and run away from said date leaving him alone, and then proceed to ignore his calls all winter break. The least you could be was give him a lunch period to feel things out.

You made your way into the classroom, greeting a few students before setting your things down at your desk. Yua and Hiroto were already sitting at their desks when you slid into your seat next to them. 

“Good morning F/N-chan.” They greeted, the unity of their tone made you giggle. 

“No coffee this morning?” Hiroto questioned as he looked at your usually occupied hand. 

“I’m gonna try and quit drinking it so much, save some extra money...” You frowned already painfully aware of the lack of caffeination.

“You're like an addict!” Yua laughed, “I give you a week tops before you crash.”

“Thanks for the support!” You chirped, pinching her exposed arm. You shook your head as she hissed at the pain, the morning bell drowning out her cursing.

Sugawara walked in on cue holding a mug of coffee and a black binder. “Good Morning class.” He smiled as he set down the items on his desk.

“You look nice today Sugawara-sensei!”A voice spoke from somewhere behind you. You needn't look behind you, the high pitched tone was easy to pick out. 

“Thank you.” He smoothed out his suit jacket, nodding in appreciation. His eyes scanned the room before landing on you. “L/N-san, will you come up and take roll for me please?” He gave you a sweet smile, wiggling the board your way. 

“Yes sensei.” You moved your chair back and made your way up to the front of the room. He stood on the other side of his desk, reaching across to take the clipboard and pen from his hands.

“This one is you.” He pointed to your name and smiled sweetly,“Don’t forget this time ok?”

 The class laughed at his teasing remark as you slid the pen out of his hand.

“Yes, sensei.” You mocked him in your head as you walked to the middle of the room looking around the class as you checked off the names. “Maybe if you didn’t walk into class trying to fluster me I wouldn’t have such a hard time functioning.” You finished and handed the board back to him, giving him a forced smile.

“Thank you, you can go sit down now.” He glanced up from his syllabus before sliding it out of your hand. 

Taking your seat again he began the homeroom meeting for the day. It was the same information, just saying what events the school had going on, what the menu was for the day, and if any school deadlines were coming up. Then he broke the class up for independent study as he pulled students to the front for their daily college discussion. Next week this would become a weekly discussion as homeroom would turn into a study hall period for students to get help on school work. 

You were waiting for your turn as the bell rang signaling for the classroom switches. You were a bit sad that you had been the only one left out for the day's discussions, maybe more so that you couldn’t talk to Sugawara. 

Everyone waved a goodbye to Sugawara as he exited the classroom and your next teacher settled into the next subject. Class passed by as usual, your attention fading in and out as you watched out the window. The grey storm clouds had started to roll in as the sky darkened. The sun had permanently tucked behind the clouds around noon, the chill of threatening rain permeating the window next to you.

Before long the bell rang and students made for the cafeteria. As the crowd dispersed, Yoshiki peaked his head in at you and your group of friends. 

“Hey, are you eating in here today?” He made his way over to your desk holding his own bento box. 

“Yeah, you can stay with us if you want.” You beamed as he pulled a chair over to your desk and set his lunch down. It was cutely wrapped, the cloth around it was bordered with brightly colored dinosaurs, as he opened it so were most of the food wrappers. 

“It’s my little brother's box I promise, he took my lunch this morning when he left.His cheeks tinted pink as he shook his head back and forth. He placed both hands over the box, covering it from view.

Giggling you placed a hand over his “It’s ok, dinosaurs are pretty cool.” He relaxed into his seat as you opened your own box. 

“Oh Sugawara-sensei, do you need the classroom?” Hiroto asked as Sugawara walked over to his office door.

“No.You're fine to stay here, I have a few papers to grade in my office.’’ He paused on you, looking between you and Yoshiki.”L/N-san i’m sorry I missed you for our council time.’’ He rested his hand on the doorknob, squeezing it slightly. 

“It’s ok Sugawara- sensei! The class is so big, I don’t know how you could make enough time for all of us in one day.” You waved your hand at the notion and laughed, he had no reason to feel bad. You had all year to college prep, one day wouldn’t set you back.

“I’m free after school if you want to wait in my office? We can run down your requirements before volleyball practice.” He shifted on his feet slightly, Yoshiki’s gaze heavy on him.

You agreed to the offer, thanking him as he disappeared into his office.

“Two days in a row, look at you!” Yua laughed as she slapped your back causing you to choke on your food. 

“Yua-chan he’s our teacher!” Hiroto whispered aggressively as he handed you his water bottle.

“I know, it's just funny seeing how flustered she gets.” Yua winked at you, as if her flirtatious actions would justify the burning in your throat. 

You passed the lunch period chatting amongst your friends, Yoshiki easing into the conversation as if nothing had ever happened. You were grateful for the new start, happy to have your friend back. As everyone finished their lunches, Yua and Hiroto waved a goodbye. They were on a mission to find the raccoon that lived by the track dumpsters, leftover food in tow. You and Yoshiki were left in the classroom, silence settling around you both.

“So, are you still doing soccer with Hiroto-kun?” You tried to fill the conversational gap, hoping it would disperse the awkward feeling around you two.

 “Yeah, but they pretty much benched me. The new first years are really good.” He laughed, sounding sadder than he had planned.

 You opened your mouth when the office door clicked  open and Sugawara peaked his head out.

“L/N-san come here please.” He waved a hand at you, disappearing back into his office.

You looked between the open door and Yoshiki before standing up. You turned to speak, Yoshiki already packing up his belongings.

He said a hasty goodbye, leaving before you could get a word in.

You watched as he walked out the door, turning back to the open office.

“Yes Sugawara-senpai?” You pushed the door open a little more before stepping into his office. 

It was nicer inside then you had anticipated. He had one large window facing the courtyard, while the other 2 walls adjacent to the door were lined with rows and rows of books. A large dark oak desk sat in the middle of the room, free of clutter and debris. He had pushed a small black sofa under the window, it looked comfy and worn in. Like it held more stories then the actual shelves. But the most notable feature of the room was the abundance of small and large plants placed around the room. Some sat on the windowsill, others were placed between the sections of books on the shelves. The larger plants were tucked into the corners of the room, leaves fanning out over everything nearby. But one particularly pretty pink succulent sat on his desk, perfectly positioned to sit in the ray of sun that shined through the window. It looked like it was basking in the warmth, soaking up all the sun had to offer. 

“Can you do me a favor L/N-san?” Sugawara questioned as your eyes stopped roaming. You landed on his hand, reaching out towards you, grasping something out of sight. 

You reached out and opened your hands,“Of course Sugawara-senpai.” 

He opened his hands to drop a few yen into yours. “I didn’t have time for lunch today, can you go grab me a hot drink from the vending machines by the south gym? You can get yourself something as well if you want. There should be enough money for two.” 

“I may be late for class sensei…” You cupped the warm metal, how long had he been holding the coins? They heated the palm of your hand slightly, melding with your own warmth.

”It’s ok, just come in quiet when you come back.” He sat back down, picking up a red pen.

You nodded and smiled before running off towards the south gym doors. You would hurry, maybe if you ran you would make it back before the bell rang.

“Um, what should I get him?” You scanned over the drink options presented to you.“It is flu season, maybe something that will keep him healthy? But he did say he didn’t eat lunch, what's thick. What if he fails me because I got him something gross.” You were shaking your head back and forth, this was becoming much more tasking then it should have ever been. You pushed the green tea button twice, grateful he was kind enough to give you enough money for something as well. 

The rain was starting to come down, getting heavier by the minute. You took the two hot drinks and ran for the main entrance, hoping the rain wouldn’t soak your cardigan too much before you made it inside. 

It was a short walk back to the classroom, you could hear Sugawara on the other side, he had already started the lesson. Deciding to finish your own green tea in the hallway you emptied the container before heading inside. 

You slid the door open just enough to fit inside, attempting to be quiet enough to not distract the classroom. Eyes were all on you as you closed the door and turned around to face your peers. Breathing stopped as they waited for their sensei to reprimand you for being late.

You walked over to Sugawara and handed him the tea before fishing his remaining change out of your cardigan pocket and rushing back to your desk, eyes on the floor as you sat down.

“Thank you L/N-san.”His smile was sweet and gentle as he turned back to the class. “So this diagram differs from the previous in what way?” He continued on with the lesson as everyone's gaze slowly started to leave you. 

After a few minutes it seemed as if everyone had lost interest in your tardiness, almost everyone. Two pairs of eyes from the back of the room bore holes into the back of your head for the remainder of class, you didn’t have to turn around to know who they belonged to.

----

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

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[stephhannes]

internet deadtiquette

i only keep up with a couple of podcasts, one of them being reply all, and the most recent episode resonated with me. in the episode, they speak with a dad who lost his son to an aneurism, and he goes on to talk about how technology has been entwined in his grief. and i found myself a) feeling less alone in the way that i’ve been grieving, but b) asking myself- how has the internet played a part in my recovery?

i never thought about it, but technology has been such an intrinsic part of my grieving process. so much so, that it’s felt natural and normal- even though looking in on it, there’s something hard and unnatural about it. how do i balance broadcasting my grief in a way that’s palatable in 240 characters but not compromising my truth? (spoiler: i’m very bad at this). 

things were simpler when my dad died, because i didn’t once have to consider things like: “what statement will i make on social media?” “how do i respond to messages from people  haven’t talked to since i graduated from high school?” “how sad is ‘too sad’ to appear online?”

from the beginning, since nathan’s died, technology has been right there. the day that it happened, while we were still making phone calls to family and close friends, i was thinking about what my “official” public statement would be. how do i concisely convey that the love of my life is dead when i haven’t slept in hours and barely know how to say a full sentence? i posted a picture of that one entry in teddy roosevelt’s journal from the day his wife and mother died. “the light has gone out of my life.” 

that was the only thought i could conjure up that day. i accompanied it with a few short sentences- “the last day, my brain has been on a constant loop of thinking about that quote from teddy roosevelt’s journal after his wife died- “the light has gone out of my life.” yesterday, i lost the light of my life. my best friend, my brilliant, incredible, kind, adjectives fiancé has passed away.” 

speaking of the whole ‘contacting family and friends’ thing, do you know how awkward it is to send a facebook message to someone you’ve never talked to asking for their boss’s phone number? at some point in the contacting phase, i realized that nathan wouldn’t be at work on monday and that people would have questions as to where he was, so i had to do some gymnastics to figure that out. the company that nathan worked for had a very generic name, so finding the correct office phone number was kind of off the table. i couldn’t find his boss on facebook- but i happened to remember the full name of one of nathan’s coworkers- so i found her on facebook and messaged her. “hi, this is out of the blue and i’m sorry, but i’m stephanie, nathan’s fiancee. nathan passed away this weekend and we’d like to get in contact with your boss. could you please pass along a phone number or other contact information so we can? thanks in advance.” imagine waking up one day and getting that message from a stranger. 

when it came to contacting people, i only needed to tell my mom and the four friends i have. but when it came to nathan’s friends i wasn’t sure who all to contact. how do you decide who gets to know before a public facebook statement? will there be people that are angry that i excluded them? 

and then after the announcement came the condolences. i hate that i live a life where i’m easily accessible by people i haven’t talked to in years. but still, i got messages from people i graduated with and got texts from numbers i had deleted years ago. 

i’ve always been skeeved out by the concept of people writing on the facebook wall of someone who’s died. thankfully, only a couple of people did it- but i hated almost all of it. i think the thing i hate about this sort of public display of grief is that it’s so transparent, but here’s a life tip: not everything has to be about you. when people post these outward, shallow reflections on facebook, it’s to become a grief vampire, to get a pat on the back for “doing a good deed.” 

i also hate that i had to watch people speculate, publicly what had happened to nathan. someone who we went to high school with made some sentimental post about him and someone commented asking “holy shit. what happened to him???” someone else made a post asking people to pray for our family and rip. once again, someone else commented asking what happened. i get that this is a pretty innocuous exchange, but seeing it written out in a facebook post, being discussed by people who don’t know us well just felt like i was watching two people whispering about me right in front of my face.

the worst part was seeing a comment that said “RIP. at least he’s with (his dead ex from high school) now.” 

when i first saw it, i was so upset that someone would say that…in public…where i can see it. i was almost angry, but i didn’t have the energy to respond, since i was busy planning nathan’s funeral at that time. i told my friends about it, and one of them confronted the girl instead: 

“hey, your comment about nathan was pretty disrespectful and it upset his fiancee a lot. would you please delete it?”

“actually, what’s disrespectful is you messaging me. i didn’t even know he had a fiancee and she just lost someone so she’s going to take offense to anything and everything. i didn’t say anything wrong. besides, everyone knows that (his ex) was his first love and if it wasn’t for what she did they would still be together.” 

not only is she shitty in public, apparently she’s also shitty in private. 

it was so apparent to me that she literally knew nothing about nathan and was just trying to cash in on some brownie points to look like a good person to everyone else- but i was so deeply offended. 

my friend had to contact the person who made the original post to just delete the girl’s comment and that was the end of it. 

the one post on his wall that i didn’t hate was from one of his friends. i had never met her before, but i knew of her, solely because she used to send nathan snaps of her cat all the time and subsequently, nathan would show me the snaps and we were both in love with her cat. she made a sweet post on his wall, and i sent her a message telling her that i appreciate her words and also that we loved seeing her cat. she offered to add me on snapchat and continue to send me pictures occasionally, and that’s one of the nicest things anyone’s done for me.

you know what i didn’t realize would happen? the first time i posted a selfie after nathan died, a few people made “it’s nice to see you smiling!” comments. i’ve never been conscious of my instagram feed, but after realizing that people were trying to use my posts as barometers to my happiness- i felt a lot more claustrophobic when it came to my feed.

+++

when my dad died, the grieving process looked fairly linear. i was sad for awhile, and with time, it got easier. his death isn’t something that plagues me anymore, and it stopped consuming me pretty quickly. part of that was because i was pretty removed from my home at that time- he died right before school started so i was living on my own, pre-occupied with not flunking out of undergrad, not surrounded by pieces of my father. the only digital footprint of my dad was a handful of selfies we’d taken together, but other than that, there was no facebook profile, no online connection to any of his friends. if i wanted to access my dad, i had to work for it.

though nathan was fairly private and didn’t have an instagram or twitter that he actively used, there was still facebook, and still vague traces of him across the internet. 

i can’t stop doing things that hurt me, and the internet provides more things that hurt me. when my dad died, the only things i could do that would really pain me were listen to voicemails, and listen to songs that made me think of him. with nathan’s death, i can sit and read through all of our texts. or read through all of our facebook messages. or check snapchat and have it tell me that it’s been 45 weeks since i last received a snap from him. or have a facebook “on this day” memory pop up with a post he made on my wall ten years ago. 

i have these moments where i am so desperate to feel close to nathan again. and i try to scrap together every trace of him i have. physically, there isn’t much. i have some of his old clothes, and a couple of tshirts that smell like him- but digitally i have years of things he’s said to me, i have pictures- ones of us together, ones i took of him sleeping, ones other people have taken of him- i have two voicemails, i have one video. 

there’s something about having digital access to nathan that brought out a desperation in me. 

when i got back to our apartment from the hospital after nathan died, my brain was shattered into a million pieces, each piece trying to answer a different question. however, at one point in the hours after his death, i got fixated on one thing: where the fuck was his phone? i tore the sheets from the bed and scoured every inch of the apartment and it was nowhere to be found. i don’t know why i wanted it so badly, but when i realized that it was gone i was so stressed out. the phone must have been in his pocket when he died, it must have gone to the hospital. it’s probably gone. i finally fell asleep, my brain reset by the time i woke up and the missing phone was no longer on my radar. eventually, i just resolved that i wouldn’t ever see it again and that was that. a couple of weeks later, his parents and i went back to philadelphia to clean out our apartment and his mom decided to follow the phone trail again. the hospital didn’t have it- they said the organ donation people probably have it- the organ donation people didn’t have it- they said the medical examiner probably has it- and finally we got a bag of nathan’s belongings from the medical examiner: complete with phone, drivers license, and one earring.

here’s the problem with a phone that’s been dead for two weeks: you need the passcode to turn it back on. i’m pretty sure my fingerprint unlocked his phone, but i had no idea what his passcode was. 

here’s the second problem: his passcode was at least 6 characters long. the only thing i knew about it was that it was more than four characters, and i know that makes it exponentially harder to try to guess or use a program to guess the passcode.

there wasn’t necessarily anything i knew i wanted off of his phone, but i wanted answers as to why he died, and i think part of me thought i could get answers from his phone. but a bigger part of me knew that i wouldn’t get any answers, so i gave up. 

i factory reset his phone. it’s no longer in my possession. 

cracking the phone case wasn’t the only technological rabbit hole i went down. the day i finally got into nathan’s laptop, i remember texting one of my friends, exclaiming “I DID IT! I HACKED INTO THE MAINFRAME!”

nathan had two computers, a laptop for personal use and a desktop that he used for work and gaming. 

once again, in my pursuit of trying to find answers, i thought that maybe his laptop would tell me something. i don’t know exactly what answers i thought his browsing history could illuminate, but maybe there would be something there. however, i had very low expectations as to what i’d find- nathan browsed the internet in a very strange way. he’d do this thing where pretty much every link he clicked on or everything he did he’d do in an incognito window. inherently i knew his chrome history would be pretty bare. nevertheless, i was determined to get in.

much like his phone password, i also didn’t know his laptop password. the only thing i knew was that his password hint was the same for both his laptop and his desktop. after setting this mystery to the side for a week, it hit me. the summer i moved to nyc he went away for a week, and when he left, he gave me the password to his desktop so i could use the big monitor to watch netflix or game to entertain myself while he was gone. 

i had to go through old SMS messages that had been saved on my macbook to find the text with the password. and i found it. and if the password hint was the same for both of his computers, then the password had to be the same, right? right.

i did it. i hacked into the mainframe. 

and like i suspected, i found nothing. nothing suspicious in his search history, no shady messages on reddit, no word documents, no weird facebook correspondences. 

the only thing i found was a snapshot of the last moments before he died. the last webpage he’d opened that night was at 11:02pm. i called 911 at 11:11pm. for some reason, gaining that perspective fucked with me. 

+++

i started this blog as a way to vent. i wanted to keep a record of what was going on in my life and how i was coping. i am a container of stories about nathan, and i wanted to make sure that i wasn’t forgetting things. i spent so much time in the months immediately following nathan’s death forgetting. i forgot what his laugh sounds like. i forgot exactly what his hair smelled like. i wanted to try to forget as little as possible, and by having a written record of the thoughts and memories i have of him i felt like i was gaining a little bit of control over the situation. but now that i have this audience, sometimes i find myself trying to make sure that i filter myself appropriately. i have to discern what memories i want to keep for just the two of us, and which ones i want to share. 

pretty shortly after nathan died, i started a note on my phone called “things that are too fucked up to tweet right now, but maybe revisit in a few months?” 

the list included such hits as: 

sarah just got me a “promoted to fiancee shirt,” do they make “downgraded to widow” ones?

y’all ever go from planning a wedding to planning a funeral? 

my fiance being dead means i now have two urns to take holiday pictures with

GREAT, now i have to change my emergency contact AGAIN

i used to have a ‘segment’ on this blog where i’d post the messages i had been sending to nathan’s facebook- and eventually i had to stop. mostly because i realized that the messages were truly just this very honest and raw expression of my deepest grief- i usually only send him messages when i’m feeling the most upset. that’s one of those things that needed to be kept for just us.

+++ 

it’s strange, the way the internet has become one of the biggest coping mechanisms for me. even though it’s introduced a whole shitload of inconveniences, it’s given me a lot as well. one of my favorite things that happened was a handful of his friends sending me facebook messages with either pictures of him, or a memory of him, that’s the one instance where i’m glad to be easily accessible. my favorite thing about having the internet on my side this time around is feeling less lonely. when i listened to that episode of reply all, i heard so many little things about someone else’s grief that i was also experiencing. sometimes you ask yourself if you’re grieving properly, if what you’re doing is weird, or okay- and hearing that i’m not the only one processing things in the way that i do gives me that little bit of reassurance that i’m doing alright. 

+++

you wanna know the worst thing my iphone has done to me? i was scrolling through my camera roll, and i accidentally swiped up on one of the pictures. apparently photos will now show you “related photos” to the one you swipe up- and for some reason the algorithm decided one of the photos related to the one i swiped up on was a picture i had taken of nathan at his wake. i can’t believe steve jobs’ ghost would blindside me like that honestly. 

[fluffyllamas-23]

The Blind Date (2/2)

This is...just...way longer than I anticipated.  I’m v sorry lmao

Part 1 can be found here

“You’re doing that thing again,” Hannah says, taking a seat on the other side of her couch.

“What thing?” Chloe mumbles sleepily, looking up from the textbook in her lap.

“The thing where you run yourself into the ground.”

“I am not.”

“Yes you are,” Hannah says, rolling her eyes, “you look like you could sleep for ten years. And you never come to my place unless you’re exceptionally stressed out. Take a break.”

Chloe yawns, “we’re in the nursing program. We all need ten years of sleep.”

“Have you talked to Sawyer? He called out of work again, and I’m annoyed.”

“Why?”

“Because, he was the only thing keeping me from throttling our incompetent, fucking moron of a coworker,” she scowls.

“He texted me this morning that he’s still not feeling well.  I’m going to bring him some soup in a little bit.”

“That’s very girlfriend-y of you,” Hannah grins, nudging Chloe with her foot.

Chloe flushes, “shut up.”

“You’ve never been this forward with a guy before.”

She chews on her bottom lip, “I just…really like him…a lot and it’s scary.”

“That’s so cute!  Anyways, how many days in a row have you even been over there?”

“I dunno…however many it’s been since Friday night.”

“Holy shit. You know you’re going to wind up catching it, right?”

“Doubtful. It’s been four days, and I’m still fine.”

“I dunno...you look like you feel pretty shitty.”

“I haven’t slept in two nights, that’s probably why.”

“Just...don’t...die. Or infect me. Paige and I have a hot date tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow is Wednesday. Who the hell has a Wednesday night date night?”

“Two people who have completely conflicting schedules, that’s who. My class is cancelled, and she has the night off work.”

“That sounds nice.”

“She’s coming over in a little bit, actually.  We’re going to try and get some studying done...do you mind?”

“Not unless you guys start makin’ out.”

Hannah smiles wryly, “duly noted.”

Chloe rubs her eyes, which are throbbing with exhaustion at this point, before closing her textbook. She’s been staring at the same page for almost an hour, now, and she’s given up on the idea of studying anymore tonight.

Her insomnia really only kicks in when she’s stressed, and boy, is she stressed.  Not only is she stressed because of school, but she’s stressed because she’s moving into Hannah’s apartment that weekend, and now she’s even more stressed because Sawyer is sick, and doesn’t seem to be getting better, and she hates it.  

“Hey, guys,” Paige chirps, walking inside Hannah’s apartment, “I brought food! And coffee, I figured you haven’t slept, Chloe.”

“You’re the best, holy shit,” Chloe groans, pulling herself off the couch, “Hannah, your girlfriend is the best."

“God bless you, you beautiful angel,” Hannah says, pecking Paige’s cheek, before the bag and drink carrier from her.

“Here,” Paige says, handing Chloe a large cup.  

“Thank you, you’re a lifesaver. Okay, I’m going to head out.”

“Tell Sawyer he’d better get his ass in gear and show up to his next shift,” Hannah calls after her at the same time Paige chirps out a, “bye, have fun!”

At this point, Chloe doesn’t even bother knocking.  It’s easier that way, because he doesn’t have to worry about getting up, which he really doesn’t have the energy to do.

After letting herself in, she follows the sound of his coughing to the couch.  

“Hi…I’m sorry you’re still sick,” she frowns, putting a hand on his forehead.

He’s shivering beneath the blanket, gripping it tightly as he stares at her with glassy, fever-bright eyes.  His cheeks are flushed from the fever, a stark contrast to how pale his face is.  

“S’okay,” he rasps, clearing his throat a couple of times.  

“We’re going to the emergency room.”

“Nooooo,” he groans, “I don’t need to go.”

“Yes you do. You’ve had a fever for four days now, and you sound awful. You might need antibiotics.”

“But-”

“-It’s not up for discussion.”

He lets out a croaky groan of frustration, “fine.”

“Hannah is mad at you, by the way.”

“What?!” He squawks, “how? I haven’t even seen her.”

“That’s why. She said you’re the only one who keeps her from throttling your dumbass coworkers.”

He bursts out laughing, which turns into a coughing fit that makes his chest burn and throat ache, “ugh...yeah, I’ll bribe her with food.  She’ll be fine.”

They’ve been in the ER for over two hours now.  Sawyer is slumped against her, head on her shoulder as he drifts in and out of sleep.

She’s exhausted.  It’s been awhile since she’s gone this long without sleep, and between the god-awful headache, sore throat and her heavy, aching body (all of which make her desperate to go and lie down), she’s forgotten how miserable it is.

Sawyer shifts beside her, and she looks over to see him sit up and rub at his eyes.

“Welcome back,” she grins.  

“They still haven’t called me?” He asks, grimacing as his hand darts to his throat.  

“We wouldn’t be here if they had called you, would we?” She asks, annoyance edging into her tone.  

“Uh...no, I guess not.”

“Sorry...I just...want to get you checked out so we can leave.  I’m exhausted.”

“You and me both,” he sighs, coughing into a fist.  “Didn’t you say you’re moving in with Hannah this weekend?”

“Mmmm,” she mumbles, nodding.

“Do you need help?” He asks.

“If you’re feeling better by then, I’d love some.”

He squints, “so…why are you moving in with her? I think you might have told me, but I can’t remember.”

“Her roommate just moved out.  My lease is up, too, and it’s cheaper for me to move in with her than it is to extend it...we’re over at each other’s places all the time anyways.”

“Oh yeah...I think you told me that already.”

“The fever is turning your brain to mush,” she teases.

“I feel awful,” he groans.

Her heart drops, “I know...but hey, at least the congestion is pretty much gone.”         

They lapse into silence again, and as the minutes tick by, she finds herself sagging against Sawyer this time.  

“You okay?” He asks softly.

“Just...tired. I haven’t slept in two…almost three days.”

“What?” He cries, launching himself into a coughing fit.  

She pats his back with a grimace, “relax. It’s just insomnia.”  

“Is there anything you can do?”

“Not really...s’just from stress.”

“I-”

“-Sawyer Daniels?” A nurse interrupts.  Chloe helps him to his feet, and then trails behind them as they go into an examination room.

As soon as they get back to his place, Sawyer goes right to his room/ Chloe follows him, but suddenly feels uncomfortable  and hangs in his doorway, unsure of what to do or where to go.

“You can...um...you can lie down with me...if you want.”

“Are you sure?”

He nods, eyelids drooping, “yeah.”

When she climbs into bed next to him, he immediately cuddles up to her, resting his head on her chest. As Sawyer drifts to sleep, Chloe lies awake. She wants to sleep, her body is begging her to, but she can’t. Her mind is racing, refusing to shut off and allow her any peace and quiet.

She’s suddenly filled with anxiety.

The move is coming up fast, and she’s nowhere near ready. She hasn’t even started packing up her apartment, and she has to be out of there by Saturday. She has the week from hell - two tests, three papers and a group presentation all due, the last of which is due on Thursday. Sawyer has the flu and bronchitis, bordering on pneumonia, and even though he has antibiotics, she still can’t help but worry.

Everything is too much.  She tries to stay where she is, because he’s comfy, but her skin is crawling and she has the overwhelming urge to bolt.

Chloe slides out from underneath him, heart pounding in her chest and ringing in her ears as she struggles to get her breathing under control. She, unfortunately, didn’t get out of bed very gently.  Her movements are jerky and frantic, and Sawyer forces his eyes open.  

“Chloe?”

“I, uh-” her breath catches in her throat, “I n-need to l-leave.”

“Are you okay?” He asks, voice thick with sleep.

She nods emphatically, biting down on her lip so hard she tastes copper, “yeah! Yeah! I’m great!”

“Chloe-”

“I’m great!” She repeats, a little bit more forcefully this time.  

His eyes search her face, but ultimately, he’s too tired and feels too shitty to say anything other than, “okay.”

Hannah is lying on her back, legs straight in the air as she holds her textbook above her face.  Her phone rings, and when she goes to answer it, she drops the book directly on her face.

“Fuck! Sonuvabitch!” She yelps.  

Paige bursts out laughing, and pulls the book off of Hannah’s face, “oh no, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine...fuckin’ book,” she grumbles, rubbing her nose. She glances at her phone briefly before she makes a face and answers it, “what’s up, deadbeat? Are you calling to apologize for leaving me with the fuckin’ moron?”

“Is Chloe with you?” Sawyer asks, ignoring the dig.  

Hannah frowns, sitting up straighter, “you sound like shit.”

“I’m aware,” he snaps, and her eyebrows shoot up in surprise, “Chloe. Is she with you?”

“What? No. Why? I thought she was with you?”

“She left hours ago...she looked freaked out,” he rasps, “she’s not answering my calls.”

“Oh...she...shit, she’s been really stressed out and not sleeping...I’ll try her too.”

“Is she okay?”

“I’m sure she’s fine...she’s probably at her apartment.”

“Okay.”

“So what’s wrong with you?”

“The flu...and bronchitis.”

“Fuck. Don’t die.”

“Workin’ on it,” he mumbles.  

She grimaces when she hears him start to cough, “okay, I was mad at you for bailing on your shift, but now I’m glad you did, because you have the fucking plague and nobody wants you to cough all over their food and coffee...unless you wanna come in and just like...cough on Robert.  He sucks, I hate him.”

“Leave Robert alone.”

“I will not.”

Sawyer sighs, coughing again, “will you just text me when you get ahold of her?”

“Yeah.”

Hannah hangs up with Sawyer, and then immediately dials Chloe’s number.  

“Hello?” she whispers, finally picking up after what must have been fifteen tries.

“Chloe, thank GOD,” Hannah breathes, “are you alright?”

“Um...no...n-not really.”

Her heart drops, “do you need some company? Or do you want to be left alone?”

“Alone...I c-can’t...I need to be alone.”

“That’s fine,” Hannah says softly, “just...text me when you’re okay.”

“Okay.”

Hannah hangs up, and then shoots Sawyer a text saying she’s okay and not to worry.

“Is everything okay?” Paige asks when Hannah groans and puts her head in her lap.  

“Chloe’s having a hard time,” Hannah mumbles, pressing her face against Paige’s thigh.

“Does she need anything?” Paige asks, playing with Hannah’s long brown hair.

“No...she just wants to be alone...which is fine.  Maybe she’ll finally sleep, God knows she needs it.”

Chloe rolls over in bed the next morning, gripping her pillow.  The anxiety has passed for the most part, which is good, but she’s still stressed out, and has no desire to get out of bed and face the world.

On top of the sheer exhaustion she feels from the mixture of two and a half days without sleep, and the anxiety from yesterday, the sore throat and headache are back with a vengeance.  She groans as her body throbs, and is filled with the sinking realization that she’s finally come down with what Sawyer has.  

Somehow, she manages to force herself out of bed, and go about her day, which passes in a blur.  She feels as if she’s on autopilot, and when it ends, she walks into Hannah’s apartment and collapses onto the couch.

“Hello to you, too,” Hannah says, patting Chloe’s back.

Chloe sniffles, “I’m so tired.”

“Yeah, and you sound like shit.  Finally caught what Sawyer has?”

“No...I’m not sick, just tired.”

“Yeah, okay.  So you want some DayQuil?”

“...yeah.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, but grabs Chloe the medicine anyways, “don’t be an idiot.”

“I’m fine.  It’s not a big deal.”

“You had a panic attack yesterday.”

“I didn’t...I had anxiety, that was it.”

“Okay, fine.  Whatever.  You had anxiety, which never flares up that bad unless you need a break.”

“I took a sleeping pill last night.  I slept, I’m fine.”

“Uh-huh.  How long did you sleep?”

“Like...seven hours.”

“You’re going to die.”

“Will you give my eulogy?” Chloe asks, voice muffled by the couch cushions.

“Yeah, it’ll be the best one, too.”

“Great. Thanks.”

“Sawyer was worried about you.  Have you texted him?”

“I’m going over there in a little.”

“Are you going to tell him you’re sick?”

“Why would I do that?”

“...Have you heard yourself? Or seen yourself? You look rough, dude...don’t sound much better.”

She sniffles again, “I’m fine. It’s nothing.”

“You’re shivering. Do you have a fever?”

“I dunno.”

Hannah presses a hand to her forehead, “you do. Oh shit, you’re burning up, dude.”

“M’fine,” she mumbles, “just give me the meds, I have shit to do.”

“I don’t approve.”

“Nobody cares.”

“Rude,” Hannah says, dropping a blister pack of DayQuil next to her.

Chloe lets herself into Sawyer’s apartment, and then stops in her tracks when she finds him at the stove, stirring something in a pot.

“Um...hey.  Feeling better?”

He wheels around to look at her, a grin crossing his face, “yeah, a little bit.”

“Oh, good,” she sighs.

“Are you alright?” He asks, the grin dropping from his face, “I didn’t think you were going to come back today.”

She rubs the back of her neck, “ah...yeah...sorry about that.”

“What happened?”

She drops her eyes to the floor, fiddling with the ring on her finger, “uh...anxiety has been kicking my ass. I just...I couldn’t handle it yesterday. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

She groans, pouring herself into a seat at his kitchen table, “I don’t know, I just...heh...ihtchiew! Snff…snfff,” she rubs at her itchy nose, making a face, “I feel bad I just left yesterday.”

“Bless you,” he frowns, “don’t feel bad. You’re allowed to take time for yourself, you know that right? You’ve been over here everyday since Friday night, and I really, really appreciate it, but I know it must have been hard.”

“I guess,” she mutters, slumping down in her seat. She still feels like shit, and if anything, the medicine is making it worse, and she just wants to go lie down.  She pitches forward with another sneeze, and then blinks tiredly at the table for a second before she pushes her hair off of her face.

“Hey, how about we go watch a movie?” He suggests, coughing into his elbow. “I’m exhausted, and I’m sure you are, too.”

She sniffles, “yeah...you read my mind.”

“Feeling okay?” He asks softly.  

“Yeah,” she lies, “just...exhausted.”

“How’s the...uh...the anxiety? You okay?” He asks, rubbing the back of his neck.

She rubs her left eye with the heel of her palm, “It’s better...sleep helped.”

He wants to ask her if she’s alright again, push her a little bit, but he’s reminded that he’s only known her for five days.  He feels like he’s known her forever, but it’s only been five days. Five days isn’t long enough to prod.  

He thinks she might have caught what he has, and the thought is enough to fill him with dread, especially because he still feels shitty, and if she’s sick, he wants to be able to take care of her.  

She deserves it.  

“What movie do you want to watch?” Chloe asks, plopping down onto the couch.

“Harry Potter,” he grins.

“Again?”

He pokes his bottom lip out, “yes.  Please?”

She grins weakly, “you’re lucky you’re cute.”

Halfway through the movie, she’s so congested she can barely breathe. Her head is spinning, and all she can do is lean against Sawyer and try not to pass out, throw up, or both.  

“Hey, Sawyer?” She croaks, grimacing at how awful she sounds.  

He’s half asleep, but forces his eyes open so he can look down at her, “yeah?”

“I think I’m going to head out.”

“You okay?”

“I am,” she lies, “I’m really tired, though.”

Chloe isn’t completely lying - she IS tired.  Exhausted, really, even more now that she’s officially ready to admit to herself that she’s sick.

Her entire body aches, as does her head and throat, and she just wants to crawl into a hole and be put out of her misery.  Surely death would be more pleasant than this.   She wants to tell Sawyer - he’s staring at her so intently with this cute, worried expression, like he knows how awful she’s feeling.  

“Actually...would you mbind if I slept here?” She asks, tongue sticking to the roof of her mouth and words blurring with congestion, “I dond’t trust mbyself to drive.”

“Yeah, of course. You can take my bed.”

She opens her mouth to argue, but the words die on the tip of her tongue, “Okay...thank you.”

“You sound a little stuffed up,” he frowns, “are you feeling okay?”

“I’mb just tired,” she sniffles, “I’mb finde.”

Chloe rolls over, sniffling as she nuzzles her face into his pillow. She squints as the light streaming through the curtains send a stab of pain through her skull.

“Oh, god,” she croaks, grimacing as she pushes herself into a sitting position.

Everything hurts.

She looks at the nightstand, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth when she sees the humidifier set up. There’s a glass of water and an open blister pack of medicine next to a box of DayQuil and a box of tissues, and she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Exhaustion weighs her down, but the moment she looks at her phone, she nearly has a heart attack, and she nearly trips over herself as she scrambles to get out of bed.

10:16 am.

She has class in fourteen minutes.

She has a test.

Sawyer is half asleep on the couch, playing on his phone when she comes flying out of the room, a look of sheer panic on her face.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” He croaks.

“I overslept!” She squeaks, voice cracking on the last word.

“Chloe,” he says, struggling to a sitting position. She’s still running around in a panic, looking for her stuff, and he tugs on her hand gently, “relax.”

“I cand’t!” She cries, eyes filling with tears, “I have a test!”

He puts a hand on her cheek, and inhales sharply, “you also have a fever.”

She pushes his hand away, “I’mb finde...I have to go.”

Sawyer runs a hand over his face as she runs out the door, worry gnawing at his chest. She’s burning up, and definitely doesn’t look like she’s feeling well.

He plops down on the couch, eyes burning as he rubs at them.

The door opens and he looks up to see his roommate.

Sawyer grins weakly at him, “long time no see, thought you were dead.”

“Sorry...I was visiting family and it ended up lasting longer than I thought it would,” Owen frowns, taking in Sawyer’s appearance, “shit, you’re still sick? It’s been like...six days since the gig.”

“I feel better...antibiotics helped.”

“Antibiotics? You actually went to the doctor?”

“Chloe made me.”

“Chloe...is that the chick you were supposed to go on a date with?”

“Mmhmm.”

“How’d she manage that? Remember the last time you got sick? We had to drag you kicking and screaming to the doctor.”

“It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Dude, you had a sinus infection and strep and we had to keep an eye on you in case you wound up with bronchitis, what do you mean it wasn’t a big deal.”

Sawyer shoots him an annoyed look, “it was fine.”

“Anyways, how’d she get you to the doctor? Did she drug you?”

“I didn’t want to tell her no...and I’d had a fever for four days...and she’s a nursing student and I trust her opinion.”

“So what’s the matter with you? Do we need to find a new lead singer?”

“S’the flu and bronchitis,” he mumbles, coughing into the crook of his elbow.

“Ouch. No wonder you sounded so shitty. Just...don’t die on us. We don’t want to have to try and find your replacement. Too much effort. We’re lazy.”

Sawyer smiles weakly, standing up, “no promises.”

“So you really like her, huh?”

Sawyer’s cheeks flush, “yeah, she’s great.”

“Our baby is in love!” Owen cries, launching himself at Sawyer.

Sawyer groans as they collide and he falls back into the couch, “why are you like this? Get off me.”

“Shit…fuck, sorry…I forgot you’re on your deathbed. You okay?” Owen says, pulling him to his feet.

“I’m fine…going to bed.”

Chloe walks out of her class, trembling so hard that her knees have nearly buckled three times.

She stumbles to a bench, and collapses onto it, feeling like she’s about to pass out as she pulls her phone out of her pocket. She dials Hannah’s number with shaky fingers, and when she doesn’t pick up, Chloe tries Paige’s number. When she doesn’t pick up, Chloe nearly bursts into tears. She just wants to go home and she doesn’t feel well enough to drive - not without crashing at least.

She dials Sawyer’s number, rubbing at her itchy nose.

“Hey,” he greets her.

“I’mb really sorry,” she whimpers

“What are you sorry about? What’s wrong?”

She leans over so that her head is between her knees.

“Chloe? What’s wrong, are you okay?”

“I’mb gonnda pass out...mb’stranded at school.”

“Okay, Okay,” he soothes, “just breathe, I can come get you, can you remind me what school you go to and where you are?”

She manages to tell him what school she attends, but her head is so fuzzy, she can’t remember the building.

“I really dond’t feel very good,” she croaks weakly.

“I know darlin’, I know,” he says softly, “just hang tight. I’ll be there soon.”

She hangs up the phone before curling up on the bench as a shiver runs down her spine.

She drifts in and out of sleep, until she feels a cool hand on her cheek, then the back of her neck, and then between her shoulder blades.  

“Huh?” She mutters groggily.  

“Hey, there,” he says gently, “ready to go home?”

“I’mb sorry,” she croaks, blinking away the tears that had gathered in her eyes.

“Why do you keep apologizing?” He asks, helping her to sit up.  When he goes to pull her to her feet, she shakes her head.  

“W-wait...dizzy,” she says weakly, gripping his arm tightly.  

He crouches in front of her, putting a hand on her cheek, “okay.  Alright, we’ll go slow.”

As soon as she’s okay to move, he gets her to his car, where she apologizes again, “I’mb sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“You’re sick,” she sniffles after a few moments of blinking heavily.  

He chuckles lightly, coughing into a fist, “I’m fine.  You, however…I need an address...I don’t know where you live.”

She’s shivering beneath a thick blanket.  She can’t find the energy to move, and each sneeze sounds as weak and tired as Sawyer thinks she feels.

He coughs into his shoulder, pausing so he doesn’t spill the tea he had made her.  

“Here,” he says, putting it on the nightstand.  

She sniffles, “thanks...umb...could you help mbe with sombethi’gg?...hih...ihhh...hih’tshh! Ihtsch! Tsch! SnffSNFF...ugh...”

He hands her the box of tissues, “yeah, of course.”

“I ndeed to findish packi’gg up mby apartmbendt.”

“Are you serious? Chloe...you have a one hundred and three degree fever.  You’re miserable, you need to be resting.”

“I’mb mbovi’gg ind two days...mby lease is up Saturday...I dond’t have a choice...I havend’t evend started yet.”

“Okay...how about I call Hannah to come help, then?”

She hides her face in the blanket, “do what you wandt.”

He takes that as his cue to drop down onto the couch and pull his phone out with a yawn.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Hannah asks when she answers the phone. “I’m assuming it has something to do with Chloe, because she’s the only thing you ever call or text about.”

“It does.”

“Knew it,” Hannah chuckles, “what do you want?”

“She says that she has to be out of her apartment by Saturday.”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“She’s sick and she wants to pack up because she hasn’t started yet.”

“Aw, fuck. That sounds like her,” Hannah groans. “How bad is she?”

“She has a fever.”

“Shit. How high?”

“Oh hundred and three...I don’t think she should be trying to pack up her apartment.”

“Yeah me neither. Paige and I will be there soon. Does she have boxes?”

“I’m not sure.”

“...Are you going to ask?”

“...Oh. Right. Hey, Chloe? Do you have boxes?”

“Ndo.”

“She says no.”

“She’s the worst at this kind of stuff, oh my god. We’ll be there in an hour.”

True to her word, she walks through the door exactly an hour later.  Paige walks in behind her and goes right to the kitchen.  Hannah makes a b-line for Chloe.

She presses her hand to Chloe’s forehead, sucking her teeth in disapproval, “you did that fucking thing again, babe.”

“Go away,” Chloe whines, hiding her face with the blanket as she sneezes for what feels like the thousandth time.

“You moron,” Hannah scolds gently, ruffling Chloe’s hair, “you do this all the time, and then you practically kill yourself.”

“Dond’t be mbeand to mbe.”

“Well who else am I going to be mean to,” she teases, “Paige made you some tea and soup.”

“And also brownies,” Paige says, walking out of the kitchen with a box before sitting down next to Chloe’s book case.

“Oooh did someone say brownies?” Sawyer asks, poking his head out of her bedroom.

“They’re on the counter if you want one.”

“Hell yeah, I want one.”

“Are you finally coming back to work?” Hannah asks, turning to look at sawyer

“Yeah, but I’m not scheduled until Sunday night,” he mumbles, words muffled by an entire brownie shoved in his mouth

“Halle-fucking-lujah,” Hannah groans, sticking the thermometer in Chloe’s mouth.

“Hanndah-“

“Shut up and let me take your temperature.”

“Your bedside mbannder could use sombe work,” Chloe grumbles.

Hannah grins, “my bedside manner is great.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Shut up. I want to get a reading on your fever, will you just be quiet?” She snaps.

Her eyes fill with tears, and she chokes on a sob as she averts her eyes, “sorry.”

“Oh shit,” Hannah grimaces, taking the thermometer out of her mouth before crouching down and putting a hand on Chloe’s burning cheek, “hey, look at me.”

Chloe sniffles, rolling on her side to look at Hannah, “I’mb sorry...please dond’t be mbad.”

“You know I’m just worried, right?” She says softly, “I’m not mad at you...I just don’t like it when you’re this sick.”

Chloe shivers, hiding her face in the pillow again, “cand I have sombe ndyquil?”

“I will absolutely give you some after I take your temperature.”

Hours later, they have a little more than half of her apartment packed away. Sawyer can feel himself dragging, exhaustion seeping into his bones and muscles and making him ache again.

The NyQuil had completely knocked her out, so much that she didn’t even budge when he scooped her up and carried her into her room.  

“Okay,” Sawyer says, walking back out into the living area, “I got her to her bed, and I’m exhausted...I think we should be done for the night.”

“I agree,” Hannah yawns.

“Thank you guys so much.”

“Yeah, of course,” Paige says, “you should get some sleep.”

“Take the couch. One of the boxes has a blanket in it…” Hannah trails off, looking around. “Hey, I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“When are you going to man up and ask her to be your girlfriend already?”

“What?”

“When are you going to ask her to be your girlfriend?” she asks slowly, as if she’s speaking to a child. “Seriously, you can’t be this dense. You two are practically dating at this point, just ask her already, you coward.”

He rolls his eyes, “goodbye, Hannah.”

“But-“

“-let’s go, honey,” Paige says, nudging her towards the door. “Stop bullying the poor guy.”

“If anybody is being bullied, it’s me,” Hannah grumbles.

Paige giggles, “let’s just go. I’m starving.”

Sawyer closes the door after them, dissolving into a coughing fit.  

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sawyer asks anxiously.  

It’s officially move in day.  Chloe had spent all of Friday in bed, skipping classes and only waking for food, water, and to use the bathroom. Still though, she still only feels slightly better.  

Sawyer would give anything for her to be able to rest, but instead, she’s on as many cold and flu meds as humanly possible, so that she can function enough to get everything moved.  

“I’m...I feel like shit...but I’m okay,” she mumbles.  

“I’m so sorry I got you sick...you can punch me in the face.  I told you that you could.”

“Don’t be so dramatic...s’fine. It happens.”

“Okay, so what needs to be done?” He asks, more than grateful that he feels almost completely better (save for an annoying lingering cough, and some fatigue).  He’s not sure how this would have worked if they were both sick.

“Uh,” she says, rubbing her forehead, “Hannah should be here with the moving truck at like...shit, I can’t remember what time...but...soon?  We need to scrub this place down and make it l...heh...heh’tschh! Snff…guh...we have to make it look like new...I need that deposit bahhh...heh...hhh...hihtsch! Ihtsch!  Snff! Back.”

“Bless you.”

She gives a couple of coughs into the inside of her wrist as the front door opens.  

Hannah walks inside, “alright, let’s do this shit. How do you feel?”

“I crave death.”

“You can’t die, I need help with rent.”

Paige flicks the back of Hannah’s head, “be nice.”

“Ouch!” She yelps, rubbing the abused spot.  

Paige grins, kissing Hannah’s cheek, “better?”

“Yeah…you’re lucky I love you.” Chloe coughs again, and Hannah grimaces, “you’re coughing now? You almost never cough when you’re sick.”

“You don’t?!” Sawyer asks, eyes snapping to her face, “do you want to go to the ER? You’ve been coughing all morning.”

“I’m fine,” she croaks, “I just want to get this over with so I can go back to sleep.”

“We can do it for you, and you can go lie down.”

“What? No, absolutely not.  I’m not dumping that on you. I’ll be fine.”

Despite her claims, it’s very obvious that she’s struggling, even from right off the bat.  Her movements are sluggish and half-hearted, and since nobody trusts her to walk up and down the stairs to put boxes into the car, she’s been put on cleaning duty.

“Honey, you’ve been cleaning the same spot for the last thirty minutes,” Sawyer says softly, putting a hand on her lower back.

“Huh?”

“Go sit down, you’re miserable.”

“No...m’fine.”

She forces herself to keep going, because the cleaning needs to be done, and she’s determined not to be useless.  

Sawyer keeps trying to get her to rest, but she’s adamant that she’s okay, and that she doesn’t need to.  

Paige, Hannah and Sawyer get the moving van all loaded up as quickly as they can.  Both Sawyer and Paige return to Chloe’s apartment, while Hannah goes to her and Chloe’s apartment to start unloading.

“I’ll start in the bathroom, you go help Chloe,” Paige says, shutting the door behind them.

Sawyer finds her in her bedroom, sitting on the bed and staring blankly at the door.

“Shit,” he hisses, crouching in front of her. He presses a hand to her forehead and then shakes his head, “You’re done. Paige and I will finish cleaning, you’re going to sit here and rest, okay?”

“But I-“ she breaks off coughing, and Sawyer rubs her back gently.

“But nothing. You have a fever, you’ve helped enough.  We’ve got this.”

When all the cleaning is done, and Sawyer gets her to her new place, she nearly cries in relief when she lays down in bed.

Her bedding is the only thing unpacked, and she’s never been more grateful for Hannah in her entire life.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help?” She mumbles into her pillow, already half asleep.

“I’m one hundred percent sure we don’t want your help,” Sawyer says gently, “all we want is for you to go back to sleep. I’ll come back in to check on you in a little bit.”

“Okay,” she mumbles, eyes drooping shut as she falls asleep.

Sawyer breathes a sigh of relief, kisses her burning cheek, and then leaves her room quietly, shutting the door behind him.

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

My Eyes - Part 4

Pairing: Bucky; Steve x Fem/Reader

Word Count: 4,263

Story Description: Steve is a good man, America’s golden boy, a hero. He’s Captain America for christ’s sake! So it’s normal to want what he has… right? Bucky knows he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t even deserve the second chance at life he’s been given. But Bucky can never let him know. Steve can never find out that his friend is in love with his best girl.

Story takes place post “CA: CW” and all tension has been resolved.

Previously On...

Bucky woke up with a raging headache. He squinted at the sunlight beaming into his room. Of course he’d forgotten to close the blinds last night.

He was about to let out an annoyed groan when his senses were suddenly aware of another presence in the room. He glanced over to the other side of the bed to find a woman passed out, with only a sheet covering her naked body.

The chaos of last night suddenly came rushing back to him.

Sam had insisted on forcing him to go out. He wouldn’t shut up about Bucky needing to get back in the game. But really Bucky needed to learn what the actual game was these days. Wanda, Tony, and Natasha had decided to join in on the fun. The girls thought they could give Bucky a little female perspective. And in all honesty, they were more helpful than Sam. Tony… Well, Tony couldn’t pass down a fun time. Plus Pepper was out of town for work.

Steve chuckled as he watched Bucky getting dragged out of the compound with the rest of his friends. He felt guilty for not going with. But he’d promised Y/N he’d take her out on a proper date. It had been awhile since either of them had the energy to do anything but lay around at one of their places. But once Y/N caught wind of Bucky’s bachelor night on the town, she tried to urge Steve to go with. But Steve told her he’d be of no use to Bucky; he had never been a good wingman.

Bucky didn’t think he could get drunk after the serum. But Sam had already thought about that apparently and snuck out some of Thor’s Asgardian liquor in a flask. Sam clearly took his bachelor responsibilities very seriously.

Bucky slowly remembers how the girl got in his bed. Natasha handpicked her. She even broke the ice for him. The whole thing was degrading for Bucky. Halfway through the night, Wanda finally could sense that Bucky had never wanted to do this in the first place. For the rest of the night, she gave him sympathetic looks and even tried to make excuses for him to be left alone by the others. He appreciated the effort.

But after drinking god knows how much alcohol, he loosened up. Maybe it was the loneliness he never acknowledged or Thor’s dangerous alcohol, but Bucky found himself charming a young woman who had been, according to Natasha, eyeing him the entire night.

Next thing Bucky knew, the rest of the team had slyly left the bar and he was alone with the woman. He hid his drunkenness well. After all, his super soldier serum was burning it off quick…almost too quickly for his liking.

She made her desires very clear: she had no intention of going back to her place. And, for a second, Bucky felt like his old self…the charming man from back in the day that could wrap any pretty dame around his finger with one look.  

They started making out in the back of a cab that was heading to the compound. Bucky can’t remember what he said to the security guards at the gate. He wondered if he was the first person on the team to bring home a girl like that. The rest of their night was pretty straightforward.

Bucky was running his hands through his hair now, listening to the girl’s soft breaths as she slept. He couldn’t lie … it felt good. It had been too long since he shared a bed with a woman. But the morning after was when the complicated feelings decided to come to the forefront of his mind.

He just wanted her to leave. But he was still a gentleman. She didn’t deserve any rudeness from. The poor girl didn’t know the mess of a man she’d just slept with. He had to tread carefully, be polite and kind… but make sure she understood that it was a one and done kind of thing.

She woke up right as Bucky was walking out of the shower.

He gave her a shy smile. “Morning, Sarah.”

She giggled. “I’m glad you could remember my name.”

His brow furrowed in genuine confusion. “Of course I remember your name.”

Without hesitating, Sarah whipped the sheets off her naked body and started picking up pieces of clothing. “You’d be surprised how many times I’ve woken up next to a guy who couldn’t manage to do that.” Then she caught Bucky turn to the side slightly, looking away. She giggled slightly, “You’re very sweet, you know.”

Bucky blushed, still looking away until he knew she was fully dressed. He ignored the comment. “Ugh…do you want some breakfast?”

Sarah stopped moving around now and paused to get a good look at him. “Huh… usually guys like you aren’t the type for a one-night stand. You’re typically already taken.”

Bucky shrugged. “I honestly don’t know what guys are like these days.”

Sarah’s face turned sad. “You’re not what I expected Bucky Barnes. If men had a little more of that old fashion in you, the world would be a better place.”

Bucky was uncomfortable by the compliment. He also frequently forgot that people knew who he was…it was a weird form of fame. “So…breakfast…I can-“

“You don’t have to make me breakfast.” She snickered, still finding his genuine kindness very entertaining.

“Are you sure? Not even coffee?” Bucky didn’t want her to feel like he was trying to get rid of her.

“I’m good. I promise. I’m just gonna head home.” She assured him.

It was nice to know that they were on the same page. Apparently she had no intention of making this more than a one-night stand either.

“I can get a car to take you home.” Bucky urged. After all, this wasn’t the city. There weren’t cabs driving around upstate New York, especially around the Avengers’ compound.

Sarah was taken aback by the gesture. “Um…okay then.”

Bucky started walking her out of the complex. By some ridiculous luck, everyone seemed to be somewhere else. Maybe the people from last night had warned everyone to stay out of the way.

But Bucky’s luck quickly came to an end as they got to the kitchen.

“Hello? Anyone home? I brought cookies!” Y/N’s voice echoed down the hall seconds before she reached the kitchen. She stopped in her tracks when she caught sight of Sarah.

Bucky wished he could’ve died right there. Sarah’s appearance alone told the story of what happened between the two of them last night. An innocent child probably could’ve figured it out.

Then he glanced down at the paper bag in her hands. There were white daisies and lavender overflowing from it. She must have been at the weekend market before arriving.

Bucky watched Y/N’s expressions carefully. It started with confusion, then surprise, and now she seemed…excited?

“Hi! Sorry! I’m Y/N.” She was so cheerful as she reached forward and offered her hand to Sarah. The girl didn’t seem fazed by the politeness and smiled, giving her name as she shook her hand.

Bucky didn’t know what to do. He felt like he was going to be sick.

“It was nice meeting you.” Sarah offered them an out.

Bucky was grateful, simply nodding his head and guiding her toward the exit. But of course, the getaway couldn’t be done without them running into Steve too. He must have been parking his car and dropped Y/N off first.

“Hey, Bucky! How’s it go-” Steve stopped as he spotted the girl.

“Hi.” Sarah said awkwardly and kept walking, not up for having another awkward and unnecessary conversation.

Bucky gave him a helpless look.

Finally they reached the waiting car and they said their polite goodbyes. As Bucky watched the car disappear down the drive, he recognized that he wasn’t too fond of this process. But most of all, he hated the feeling he got when Y/N realized that he’d just slept with some random girl. How was it even possible that he could feel guilty?

Bucky planned on going back inside and sneaking by the kitchen. But he knew he wasn’t that lucky.

“She seemed nice.” Steve commented with a smirk. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, Y/N was unwrapping freshly baked cookies to lay out.

“Umm…I think you meant she was fucking sexy!” Y/N corrected enthusiastically.

“Can we not?” Bucky was mortified and the last thing he wanted to do was discuss his one-night stand with Y/N.

“I’m not going anywhere near that.” Steve replied to Y/N’s comment. But Bucky didn’t think it was possible that Steve even saw other women. Not since he got Y/N.

“Bucky…I brought some extra flowers for you!” Y/N pushed forward a second vase of flowers that was just filled with lavender. “They’re supposed to help with stress, relaxation, and sleep.”

Bucky couldn’t deal with Y/N’s overwhelming purity. Everything that felt good about last had disappeared. Now all Bucky was left with was shame and jealousy that Steve got spend every night with someone that actually loved him.

“Thanks.” Bucky practically snarled rudely before walking down the hallway with a strut that resembled the Winter Soldier.

He didn’t get far before Steve was jogging up to him. “Buck, what’s going on?”

“Leave it alone, Steve.” He continued walking.

But that bothered his friend even more. Steve grabbed his shoulder roughly and tore him to a stop. “That’s it. I can’t take it anymore. Why do you have to be so awful to her? She was just trying to help.” Then he sighed and put his hands on his hips. “I thought things would get better after you two went to the cabin together. But it’s almost like you’ve been even worse to her since then.”

Bucky’s gut filled with guilt. He really had been worse to Y/N. But it’s only because that weekend somehow verified all his feelings he’d been hiding for so long. He didn’t know where to go after that, so he just reverted back to being awful towards her.

Bucky opened his mouth to defend himself, but Steve wasn’t finished.

“I promised her a long time ago that I would never bring it up. But I’m done making excuses for you.” Steve gave him one final glare before he walked away.

Bucky wanted to punch a wall from the frustration. It only got worse when he then heard Steve and Y/N start arguing.

“Steve, why the hell did you say that to him?” Y/N groaned. “You promised you would never bring it up.”

“I’m sorry. But I couldn’t take it any longer. He had no reason to act that way towards you. It’s become inexcusable!” Steve defended.

“Why do you have to be so fucking overprotective? I’m not this…this fragile little girl! Not everyone is going to like me, okay? That’s life!”

Bucky winced when he heard Y/N stomp toward the elevators. If there was a door to exit through, he’s sure she would’ve slammed it loud enough for the whole compound to hear.

Bucky slowly went to his room in shame. He tried to drown the sadness of his unrequited love with a one-night stand and somehow it managed to make everything worse.

He wracked his brain for how to fix things. But there was nothing to do. It was just a little fight. Steve and Y/N loved each other too much to let it go unresolved for an extended period of time. But that didn’t stop Bucky’s guilt from being the cause of it.

---

Bucky was reading in the library. It was a rare day off for him: no missions and no training. Usually he would spar or go running with Steve no matter what. But Bucky thought it was best to give him some space. Y/N hadn’t come back since the fight yesterday and Steve definitely hadn’t been at her place. Bucky could only assume he was also still mad at him.

Bucky decided that next time Y/N and him had a moment alone, he would apologize to her.

He had just finished the first Harry Potter book after a couple of days and already wanted to read the next one. Steve told him they were one of the big things they missed. Apparently Y/N had read them all multiple times.

Bucky got up to return the first installment and grab the second from the bookshelf. But as he stood up, something caught his attention from the corner of his eye. There was a black leather notebook sticking out from underneath the couch. Bucky instantly recognized it as Steve’s sketchbook.

Bucky grabbed it and remembered his super-hearing eavesdropping on Steve complaining about not being able to find it earlier that morning. Maybe this was a good peace offering and an opening for him to apologize to Steve.

Bucky grabbed it with his metal hand. But as he started moving towards the door, it slipped out of his grasp. His metal arm was never meant for delicate, human touches. It had been designed as a weapon. Every once in awhile, things would slip out of his hand.

Bucky bent down to pick up the sketchbook off the floor when his heart began beating faster. It had opened up on the last page Bucky needed to see right now. His flesh hand was almost trembling as he clutched sketchbook to find a nude drawing in pencil.

Despite never having seen her this way, he recognized the naked back as Y/N’s. He also knew that Steve would never draw anyone else in such a state. She was laying on a bed and Steve’s talent made it feel so real that Bucky could tell she was sleeping. Her hair fell so romantically around her neck. But it was the shading in her back muscles and her curves that had him tense.

Bucky knew he shouldn’t flip to other pages. But his body seemed to take over for him as his fingers flicked to the next drawing. It was even more scandalous. Y/N was laying in bed again, but on her back. Her eyes were closed in a peaceful slumber. One of her arms was resting to the side of her head while the other was draped across her stomach. She was naked but a thin sheet just perfectly covered her waist. It did nothing to hide her breasts though.

Bucky didn’t believe Y/N was aware that Steve had ever drawn either of them. But now he was addicted. He flipped to the next one and found Y/N’s back yet again, but about to fasten her bra back on. Then there was a full body profile with Y/N in her underwear and she was halfway through taking off her shirt.

Every single drawing was somehow still done tastefully. Despite Y/N’s nudity in many of them, there was no pornographic impression. Some classic and proper portraits had been done too.  They showed off Y/N’s beauty, but they didn’t expose a mysterious side to her like the others. It was clear that the person who drew Y/N was in love with her. Of course she was Steve’s muse.

Bucky finally slammed the sketchbook shut. As if the aggressive movement would stop him from reopening it.

Bucky walked to Steve’s room with a hollow pain in his stomach. Yes, he felt guilty for having looked at them. But another part of him was pleased he got to see Y/N naked through the eyes of someone that loved her, respected her, and clearly thought she was beautiful… and sexy.

He knocked on the door.

Steve opened, seconds later. But a glare quickly appeared on his face at the sight of his best friend.

Bucky awkwardly handed him the sketchbook. “I think you’ve been looking for this. I found it in the library.” He mumbled.

Steve slowly took it and barely said thanks audibly. No matter how upset he was, Steve’s politeness could never be beaten away.

“I also wanted to apologize. You were right…about everything. I was rude to Y/n yesterday. And it’s becoming very clear that I’ve never been exactly forthcoming with her.”

Steve sighed. “I just don’t really understand why…”

This was the part Bucky had been dreading. He couldn’t tell Steve the truth and it was killing him. Maybe the trick was telling him part of it without confessing his love for Y/N.

“I woke up thinking I got this crazy second chance at life. And I came here thinking that I’d have you with me along the way. But then I find you with Y/N and I realize you already got started on your second chance … without me.” Bucky took in a deep breath and looked at the ground. “We both had our time messed with, punk. But I’ve always considered you the lucky one. I see how happy you are with her and it just reminds me that I don’t deserve that kind of life. But I also look at you like you’re this different person.”

Steve’s eyes softened completely. There was no longer bad blood between them after listening to what Bucky just said.

“Buck… why didn’t you ever say any of this to me before?” His voice was desperate and filled with guilt for not being a better friend. Bucky had moved to the Avengers tower almost two years ago and not once did he bring up this turmoil.

“It’s not fair to keep expecting that little punk from Brooklyn. Because we both know I’m not even close to the charmer who had to defend him constantly.” Bucky finally had the courage to look at Steve. “I shouldn’t have taken it out on Y/N. She never deserved that. I guess I look at her and think I shouldn’t be hanging around my best friend anymore.”

Steve shook his head. “You’re real thick sometimes, you know that?”

“Yeah, I’m realizing it now that I’m saying all of this out loud.” Bucky chuckled.

“What do you say we go into town… grab a cup of coffee or something? Just you and me.” Steve offered.

Bucky smiled. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

---

“You’re wrong you know…” Steve stated confidently.

The two of them were sitting at a coffee shop in town. Most people were used to seeing the Avengers every once in awhile. They were small town folks and never usually bothered them. Despite their politeness, Bucky and Steve still both wore baseball caps pulled low over their faces.

They were on their second cup. The past hour or so had been spent with them just acting like the old days. They allowed themselves to go down memory lane and actually grasp how strange their lives really were. It wasn’t something they let themselves dwell on usually. They had made a habit of forcing each other to keep moving forward. It’s all they could do. Living in the past wasn’t a healthy option.

“You’re gonna have to clarify a bit more, Steve.” Bucky said sarcastically.

“Whatever you see when you look at me and Y/N… you deserve that just as much as I do.” Steve voice was kind, but his eyes were serious. “Sometimes I think you deserve it even more actually.”

“How so?”

Steve gave him a sad smile. “I had Peggy. I even had Sharon for a short but sweet time. You might have had all the ladies back in the day. But we both know you were never in love with any of them.” He took a sip of coffee. “My point is that I’ve had my chances at love. But you’ve never been given that.”  

Bucky scratched the scruff on his face. “I think you deserved all the chances you got, punk. I was too busy playing games.” He chuckled at himself.

Then Steve must have caught sight of something outside. His playful expression dropped and he was in a daze, looking out the coffee shop window.

Bucky followed his gaze and immediately spotted what had caught his friend’s attention.

Y/N was walking with a stack of books in her hands. She must have grabbed more off her list before leaving work.

Bucky looked back at Steve to find an expression so sad that it could rival a kicked puppy.

“If you don’t get off your ass and go talk to her, I promise you will take a beating from me during tomorrow’s training.” Bucky’s threat was lighthearted. But Steve knew his best friend enough to know that he wasn’t kidding.

“I’ll see you back at the compound?” Steve asked, not taking his gaze off of Y/N. He didn’t wait for an answer either. Just got up and quickly walked out of the coffee shop.

Bucky finished his coffee and watched the couple.

---

Y/N was struggling with the stack of books when Porthos started barking like crazy at her feet. It was a happy greeting and not an aggressive warning. She glanced over to see Steve jogging across the street toward her.

He stopped a few feet away from her.

She didn’t say anything, just shifted her weight awkwardly.

Steve eyed the books. “I’d offer to help you with t’hse, but I know you’re not a ‘fragile little girl’.” It wasn’t a jab at her statement the other day. This was his attempt at showing that he understood where she had been coming from.

Y/N narrowed her eyes playfully. “Real cute.”

“I’m sorry.” Steve said evenly.

“I know you are, Steve.” Y/N sighed. “Do you want to come home with me for dinner?”

“Yes!” Steve answered too quickly. “Yes, of course.”

Y/N giggled at him. It was those little quirks that constantly reminded her why she was so in love with him. Not that she ever needed reminding. When he was the least like Captain America, she found that she loved him the most. Slightly awkward, dorky, and shy… this was the Steve Rogers the rest of the world wasn’t lucky enough to see.

“Can I please take those books from you now?” Steve asked desperately.

“Oh my goodness, fine! The world won’t blow up if you aren’t chivalrous for two seconds, you know.” Y/N chuckled as he took the weight away from her. Then she caught a shiny reflection in her peripheral. “Is that Bucky?” She asked.

Steve barely looked over as he started walking with Porthos towards Y/N’s car. “Yeah, we were just grabbing coffee before I saw you.” Bucky was slowly getting into the car that he and Steve drove together. As if he heard or felt someone looking at him, he glanced over his shoulder. He leaned on the hood with the driver’s door open as he met Y/N’s gaze. She was about to call out to Steve if she should invite him to dinner. But something told her to leave it be.

Bucky just watched her for a moment. Then he finally raised a hand to give a gentle wave. Y/N slowly found herself returning the gesture. Without further hesitation, Bucky got into the car and drove off.

Y/N stood dazed for a moment. Something strange had been shared between the two of them. It felt like an apology, despite no words being exchanged between the two of them.

---

Steve woke up to his cellphone ringing on the nightstand. He reached over and silenced the ring before it could wake Y/N. She was draped across his chest, sound asleep. Ever so carefully, he lifted her head and upper body off his chest.

He was light on his feet as he closed the bedroom door behind him and picked up the call.

“Hello?”

“Rogers, we’re gonna need you to come in right away.” Nick Fury wasn’t one for pleasantries. “There’s been an attack in London. We don’t know what this is yet. But they need all the reinforcements they can get. Briefing will be in 20 minutes. We roll out in 40.”

“I’ll be there soon.” Steve hung up the phone. He glanced at his phone to realize it was 3 in the morning. For a second, he considered slipping out without disturbing Y/N’s sleep. But he knew she’d be very upset with him. He’d just gotten back in her good graces; he couldn’t give her another disappointment.

Steve tiptoed back into the bedroom. He gave himself just a moment to watch her sleeping so peacefully. Then he bent down and brushed the hair away from her face. “Y/N… Y/N, wake up.” He whispered gently.

“Hmm… what is it?” She grumbled and squinted her eyes open.

“I got called in. We’re flying out in less than an hour.”

This made Y/N sit up. “I’ll come with you to the compound.” She said in a zombie-like state as she tried to move the covers off of herself.

But Steve stopped the action, keeping her in bed. “No, no, no. It’s 3am. You go back to sleep. I just didn’t want to leave before saying goodbye.”

Y/N was about to argue, but her fatigue took advantage of Steve’s forcefulness. “Well, come here then.” She chided and her arms snaked around his neck and brought him further down. Her lips gave him a quick but sweet peck.

Steve pulled away and kissed her forehead. “Go back to sleep. I love you, okay?” He whispered.

Y/N nodded adorably as she cuddled with his pillow, trying to trick her body into thinking he would still be there with his scent on it. “Love you…” She mumbled.

Steve smiled at her. “I’ll call you when I know about our return time.” He promised.

---

Part 5

Read, review, reblog. in that order. love you guys 

[criminallyimaginative]

Time To Fess Up

Request: for the anon who asked for a “Reid x reader where they are both in the BAU and are in love with each other but haven’t confessed. Reader thinks Reid is in love with Maeve (or someone else, totally up to you) so starts to distance herself and then Spencer confronts her and they both give this romantic, fluffy confession.”

A/N: Ok wow. This one has been sitting in the inbox for quite awhile and I feel bad about that. Finals really burnt me out and then I feel into the worse writing slump that I’ve ever had, but I’m happy to have finished this one and hopefully the slump might be ending! Anyways, this one is probably a smidgen more angsty than I intended for it to be, but it’s cute and fluffy at the end I promise! I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: honestly other than some angst and maybe one curse word, there’s nothing to warn you about

Word Count: 2.5k

Rating: PG

“No! It has nothing to do with that,” Spencer laughed, resting the phone between his shoulder and head, trying to do his paperwork while continuing his conversation. You sighed in frustration and stirred more coffee into your coffee.  You’d joined the BAU team almost two years ago and had immediately clicked with all of the team members, particularly Spencer. Friendship had led to inevitable feelings for you, but there was one problem. You’d fallen into the friend-zone. This was breaking your heart. (Not Spencer being happy of course, that was the only good thing that had come out of all of this situation.) It was the cause of that happiness that was the source of your loathing. Maeve. Spencer had confided in you about her months ago, when you’d noticed him disappearing four hours a few times a week. You know what, it was fine when she was some disembodied voice on a telephone, but when she became a real person who the team had worked their asses off to bring back from an abduction alive it was your worst nightmare. That was when you’d realized he was in love with her. 

“(Y/N)!”, JJ said waving a hand in front of your face. You snapped out of the trance you hadn’t realized you’d fallen into and shook your head. 

“What’s up, Jayje?” you asked plastering a fake smile on your face. 

“Just bringing you more of those transfer forms that you were asking for,” she replied placing the stack of paperwork on your desk. “So, you’re really doing this huh?” she commented, leaning against her chair. 

“I’ll call you back,” Spencer said quickly hanging up the phone. 

“What’s going?” he asked leaning forward to gain you and JJ’s attention. 

“(Y/N)’s-”

“Late for meeting Morgan at the gym, so you’ll have to excuse me,” you said cutting her off as you stood up. “Not a word,” you muttered in her ear. “Have a nice day, JJ. Reid,” you replied curtly before making a b-line for the elevator. Spencer flinched at the short tone you had used with him and glanced at the stack of papers on your desk. 

“JJ, what was that about?” 

“(Y/N) asked me not to say,” she mumbled, smoothing out her skirt and collected the finished report from the last case that was sitting on your desk. 

“I’m not talking about this transfer or whatever it is you two are doing,” he said, crossing over to her, “I’m talking about why she has been giving me the cold shoulder.”

“Spence she’s not-”

“Please don’t lie to me,” he pleaded, “I just want to know what awful thing I did to make my best friend hate me.”

“Best friend or girl you are secretly in love with?” JJ asked before she could stop herself. “That’s not fair,” Spencer snapped, looking down. 

“Well, my question is still valid although you seem to have found someone who sparks your interest more these days”

“Maeve is just a friend. How many times do I have to say that?”

“A friend who you can’t go one day without talking to for at least an hour?”  

“I value her opinion.”

“There used to be someone else’s opinion you valued above everyone’s and she’s not going to be around much longer,” JJ hinted, subtly trying to clue him in without explicitly telling him. 

“JJ, what are you talking about?”

“Spence, I love you. You know I do, but this is something that you are going to have figure out for yourself or you are going to lose one of the best things that ever happened to you,” she replied, before walking back to her office leaving Spencer standing in the middle of the bullpen more confused than when the conversation started.

“Hey there Pretty Girl,” Morgan called as you strolled into the gym.

“Hey hot stuff, sorry I’m late. I had to discuss something with JJ and then change,” you explained, dropping your gym bag by the door. You’d swapped your usual work attire for a loose tank top, cropped yoga pants, and your Nikes. 

“Not a problem, I’ve got the whole afternoon open,” he replied, leaning against the wall. You laughed and stretched your arms over your head. Other than Spencer, you considered Morgan to be your best friend. “So you gonna tell me what this is really about?”

“Time for a little brush up on hand to hand. The last case was a little too close for comfort,” you lied. In reality, you were looking for an outlet to take out some aggression. 

“Uh huh,” Morgan muttered, clearly unconvinced. 

“Ready? Go,” you said lunging for him in an attempt to derail his train of thought. Derek knew you too well and simply side stepped. You turned on a dime and swung your leg toward his knees. He caught your foot in his hand and shoved you backward. You and Derek had been sparring together since you joined the team, and in that time you’d only beaten him once. In your current distracted state, you had no chance of winning. You steadied yourself and kicked again, this time swinging your leg up to strike his face. 

“So you asking for a transfer has nothing to do with Reid hanging around Maeve?” His question made you freeze up, foot stopping right next to his face, instead of following through. 

“What?” you demanded, still frozen. 

“Your ‘oh so secret transfer’, does it or does it not have something to do with Reid,” he asked, pushing your foot down to the ground. 

“How do you know about that?”

“Did you really think Penelope wouldn’t tell me?”

“I didn’t think she would see it until it was too late,” you grumbled, crossing your arms.

“How long has Hotch been sitting on that paperwork?”

“The first part, a week. I just turned in the rest of it earlier and I guarantee he’s going to hold it as long as he can or until I force him to file it. He’s not happy about this.”

“I don’t blame him. The team is losing a damn good agent and profiler,” Derek replied. 

“The team will be fine,” you insisted, grabbing your bag from where you’d dropped it, “Don’t try to talk me out of this, I’ve already made up my mind.”

“(Y/N), no one wants you to go but we want you to be happy,” he said walking over to you. “I’m just questioning whether or not this will make you happy.”

“I’m happy. It’s just time for a change,” you said slinging your bag over your shoulder. “I have to go.”

“In more ways than one it would seem,” Derek replied, tugging you into his arms, “if you do this, I’m gonna miss you, Pretty girl.”

“I’ll miss you too,” you told him sincerely squeezing his muscular form, “but there is no if. I’m doing this.” You strode out of the gym, shoulders only slumping slightly as you questioned your decision. You sprinted to your car and drove like mad to get home. You were desperate to shake that little seed of doubt that Derek had planted in your mind about your decision before it had time to take root. “Oreo,” you called to your kitty as you opened your apartment door, “I’m sorry I’m late. Are you hungry?” you spoke as you passed through the entry but froze. Spencer was sitting on your couch with your cat curled up in his lap, just purring away. A bowl of popcorn and two beers had been casually placed on your coffee table, while Doctor Who played in the background. “Um, Spence?” you muttered, mentally kicking yourself for giving him the spare key to your apartment. The sound of your voice finally caused him to look up from the book. 

“Oh (Y/N), hi,” he said closing the book and setting it on the back of the couch. 

“What are you doing?” you asked, dropping your gym bag and purse on the ground before heading to the kitchen to start dinner for yourself. 

“Well, I thought since we have the day off tomorrow, maybe we could do movie night?” he asked glancing over at you.

“Movie night?” you snorted, “We only do that when one of us is upset.” You shifted your weight from foot to foot as you filled a pan with water, and you could feel him staring at you. “I’m fine.”

“Clearly you’re not,” he insisted, getting up and walking to the kitchen much to Oreo’s chagrin. She pouted as she hopped up on the counter and sat by her food bowl. You shook your head at her before filling the bowl. “You’re upset about something, there’s talk of some kind of transfer, and on top of all that you’re avoiding me.”

“I am not,” you mumbled, setting the pot down on the cooktop, “I’m just working some stuff out.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s what?”

“C’mon (Y/N), I know you. You don’t do anything without getting other people’s opinions.”

“Spencer, you are the smartest person I know. So why don’t you use that big genius brain of yours, to put all that information together and figure out why I wouldn’t tell anyone,” you said turning to face him. He scrunched his eyebrows up together and you watched as the realization washed over his face.

“You’re leaving?”

“Probably,” you muttered, grabbing a box of spaghetti out of the pantry.

“Why? When? Where?” he asked, trying to deal with the new information. 

“Sex crimes,” you replied, breaking the spaghetti over the pot, “Remember Hotch leant me to them a month ago. Before I left, Agent Tyler told me if I ever was done with BAU there’d be a job open for me in his department and I’ve decided it’s time to move on.”

“But why? I don’t understand. You were happy until like a month ago,” he said, running a hand through his hair. 

“A lot can change in a month,” you mumbled, reaching over and smoothing a hand over Oreo’s fur.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t do that,” Spencer groaned, snatching your hand, “Don’t shut me out when I’m just trying to understand-”

“Well, this is one thing you can understand,” you insisted. 

“Then explain it to me.”

“Not possible.”

“Why? You just said that I’m the smartest person you know.”

“Spencer, please. I am trying not to hurt you.”

“You’re already hurting me by shutting me out, so just say it!”

“I’m in love with you, damn it,” you shouted, tearing your hand away from him and wrapping both arms around yourself. Spencer froze and just stared at you. There was no way that those words had come out of your mouth, no way. Right?

“What did you say?” he asked hesitantly. 

“I’m in love with you,” you repeated still hugging yourself, “and watching you fall in love with someone else is slowly killing me. I can’t do it anymore. You wanted to know, so there it is laid out plain as day. I know it’s my own fault for falling in love with my best friend who could never possibly into me that way, but I did and now that’s something that I’m going to have to deal with. I’m-” you were trying to explain but were abruptly cut off when Spencer took your face in his hands and pressed your lips together. It was your turn to freeze be confused. You settled into the kiss after a few seconds and wrapped your arms around his neck. “I don’t understand,” you muttered as you both pulled away to get some air. 

“Well, I thought that would have cleared some things up,”  Spencer chuckled, pressing his lips against your forehead, “but I didn’t just come here to have movie night. I came here to tell you something that I should’ve told you a long time ago, and now that you’ve expressed a positive sentiment about me this will go much more smoothly for me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, to put it plainly, a few of our coworkers knocked some sense into me in regards to feeling but JJ really hit the nail on the head. She made it obvious that I was being a coward. I was content to watch the girl that had dazzled me and ensnared my heart from the moment I met her go about her life and make connections with other people without ever stepping up and going after what I wanted. Her. I did a lot of thinking this afternoon, and I realized that she was right. I had sat by and watched you live life, date other people, have fun, while I sat on the sidelines content that if I couldn’t be with you the way I wanted to be that I could still be in your life. I could live with that, but what I can’t do is be without you in my life. You make me a better person, inspire me to do things I never would’ve dreamed of doing, listen to me when I ramble or blurt out facts, and so many other wonderful things. I’m in love with you (Y/N) (Y/L/N). I am whole heartedly and undeniably in love with you. So, here I am laying my heart out for you and hoping that, if you’ll have me, you’d be willing to hold onto that heart even though you’ve already had it for quite some time,” he replied, holding you close, smoothing a hand over your cheek and wiping away a tear that had fallen from you eye. You were speechless the confession was so beautiful. Without a second thought, you crashed your lips into his and tangled a hand in his hair. He responded immediately, arms tightening around your waist. “I’m hoping that’s a yes,” he chuckled as you parted again. 

“Well duh,” you giggled and tried to stop the happy tears from running down your face as you brushed the hair away from his face. “I’m sorry I’m crying, I’m just really happy.”

“Happy tears are good.”

“I thought you and Maeve were-”

“Ah yes, that. When it first started, I think she and I were both actually considering a relationship of the romantic variety but we both realized that we were trying to replace other people who we were actually in love with,” he explained. 

“Well, I- oh crap.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I guess I should call Hotch to see if I can cancel that transfer.”

“I think you’re safe.”

“Why’s that?”

“I think Hotch hasn’t actually filed the forms yet. Penelope was snooping through the files on his computer when she found the email.”

“Well, everythign seems to have worked itself out,” you chirped happily, “and seeing as you’re here, still want to do movie night?”

“Absolutely, but first. These are for you,” Spencer said producing a bouquet of flowers from the sleeve of his cardigan. 

“How did you do that?” you laughed, taking the flowers and setting them in the vase on the counter. 

“A magician never reveals his secrets.”

“How on earth did I get so lucky to have you in my life?”

“I ask myself that question every single day,” Spencer admitted and kissed you again. 

[hailey-halstead]

Green Card Marriage

HEY here's this fic i wrote hope you all enjoy! i don't own anything :-) —————— Sylvie had arrived at Molly's thinking she would be able to have a nice drink with Gabby, but the place was swamped so she was unable to take a break from behind the bar. That left Sylvie to her own devices, which she wasn't really complaining too much about, drinking by herself was actually turning out to be very relaxing. People watching was what she decided to do to pass the time, quietly observing the other patrons of the bar. She kept her eyes away from the right corner, however, as Antonio Dawson was at the bar, with Peter Stone and Lori Nagel. They had awkwardly waved and smiled at each other, but that was it. Excluding the peeks she was sneaking at him every few minutes. And judging by the time she caught him looking back at her as well, he was doing it frequently too. This was getting ridiculous. It's been almost two months, and she's still thinking about Antonio. She thought by letting herself be sad and cry for a little while would close the wounds, but that didn't work. She wondered what his tactics were, maybe they would work for her. She scoffed at the idea, he was probably just throwing himself into his work. She was about to give another glance Antonio's way when the seat in front of her was suddenly taken by an unfamiliar man. The confusing part was he seemed to recognize her, as he had a huge smile on his face. She flashed a brief smile back, wondering what the hell was going on. "Sylvie!" He exclaimed, placing his beer on the table. "I can't believe I've found you!" He even knew her name, she thought bewilderedly. And what did he mean that he found her? Had he been looking around for her? She began feeling uncomfortable, removing her hands from the table as he wanted to take them into his. "Um, I'm sorry, do I know you...?" Sylvie tried to be nice, maybe she was judging the guy too harshly. "You don't remember me?" The smile on his face fell, and turned into a frown. "That night? A couple months ago?" Her eyes widened as she finally remembered who this guy was. "You're the guy that I was going to get married to!" She realized. The man nodded enthusiastically at her reply. "Yes! Yes! And I was looking all over for you." Sylvie's joy at recognizing who the guy was faded when she remembered how awkward and uncomfortable this situation was. "Why were you looking for me, anyways?" She hesitantly asked, a little afraid for his response. "Because I hope you know that—" "For us to get married, of course!" He reached over the table to grab her hands, pulling them up onto the table. Sylvie bit her tongue to prevent herself from yelling, she didn't want to cause a scene. She quickly removed her hands from his grip, about to leave the table and just head home. This was insanity she did not have the time and patience to deal with. But when he followed her, reaching a hand out to grab her shoulder, Sylvie realized she had to explain herself or he wouldn't give up. "Look," She began, stepping back to give herself more space. To her dismay, no one else has noticed this little dilemma she was experiencing. But it could also be to her favor if she potentially could solve this issue with as little attention as possible. "I was really intoxicated that night, whatever I agreed to I wasn't in the right state of mind—" "But now you are!" He interrupted her, again trying to touch her. She avoided this by taking another step back, debating if she could just run for it. When she stepped back again, she ran into someone's chest. She was about to turn around to apologize, assuming it was someone just trying to get past them, but then she heard a familiar voice. "Is there an issue here?" Sylvie was both relieved and horrified to hear Antonio's voice. She did not want her ex boyfriend to get into this mess, no matter how tiny it was. It made her feel more like a damsel in distress than anything else. However, Sylvie then got a brilliant idea. Which was also going to be very embarrassing, but she was willing to do anything to get out of this ordeal. "Oh!" Sylvie flung her arm around Antonio's waist. "Look who it is! My boyfriend!" She announced, loud enough for only the man who was bothering her to hear. At this news, the man became distraught. "Boyfriend?" He repeated. "I thought we were going to get married?" This guy was a total dumbass, Sylvie thought to herself. Luckily for her, other than his inability to understand she didn't want to be touched, he wasn't that harmless. She placed her other hand on Antonio's chest, trying to ignore how comfortable and familiar it felt. "I'm so sorry...." She tried to remember the man's name, but her mind was drawing a blank. "Uh, but since I have last seen you I have found someone else." And like so many guys do, the man now backed off since he assumed that Sylvie was taken. "I'll come back for you if this doesn't work out." He declared, before disappearing out of sight, blending in with the other bar patrons. When he finally left, Sylvie immediately let go of Antonio, jumping back to give him space. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry—" She began rambling out an apology. "It's fine, Sylvie. It's fine." He reassured her, seemingly not fazed at all by her actions. Instead he was focused on something else. "What was that?" He asked, arms crossed over his chest, starting to look troubled. "Is everything okay?" "Oh, that." She lamely responded, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. "Funny story, actually." More like an incredibly pathetic and embarrassing story, but she had already dug her hole, what else did she have to lose of her dignity? But she did make sure she was looking anywhere but Antonio's eyes when she was telling it. "So a couple months ago, Gabby and Stella took me out clubbing, to get me to forget my worries and whatever, stuff like that." She butchered her story, but who could perfectly tell a sob story about going clubbing because of a breakup to the ex boyfriend of said breakup? "Did this have anything to do with the ending of our relationship?" She ignored his question, but she couldn't prevent her cheeks from flaming up. "Anyways, apparently I was dancing with the guy. Then I went over to Gabby and Stella, saying that I was going to get married." Antonio frowned. "Has this guy been bothering you for awhile now?" He asked, scanning his eyes around the bar. Sylvie rapidly shook her head, not wanting to have Antonio jump to conclusions. "No, not at all. It was the first time I've seen him since that night." She explained. Antonio was still looking troubled. "Are you here alone?" A part of Sylvie wanted to lie, to get him off of her back. But she couldn't bring herself to. "Yes," She admitted. "I came to have a drink with Gabby, but it's been busier than expected." "How about you come sit with us?" Antonio asked, gesturing over to where he was previously sitting. Sylvie's gaze followed, seeing both Peter Stone and Lori Nagel failing miserably at pretending they weren't listening. Sylvie couldn't imagine anything more awkward than having a drink with her ex boyfriend and his colleagues. She kindly refused his offer. "Thanks, Antonio, but I was planning on heading home anyways." "Another time then." He offered, to the surprise of Sylvie. But she found herself agreeing with him, nodding her head with a smile, saying that that would be great. He stepped out of her way, letting her pass. However, before she reached the door, she felt a hand grab her shoulder. Thinking it was the man from earlier, Sylvie couldn't help but flinch and immediately jump away, heart thumping with fear. When she turned around, she was thankfully met with the familiar face of Antonio. "I'm sorry for scaring you." He apologized, sliding the hand that grabbed her shoulder back into his pocket. "I shouldn't have done that—" "No, it's fine." She shrugged her shoulders, trying to pretend she wasn't a bundle of nerves. She knew it wasn't his intention, but he had really spooked her. "I was just coming over here to ask if you wanted me to walk you to your car." He said, scratching the back of his head. Sylvie couldn't believe it—he was flustered. She remembered that she had to answer his offer. And this time, she found that she couldn't refuse it. Having someone walk her to her car was actually very comforting and helped ease away the anxieties that the man from the club had made her feel. "That would be great, actually." She told him, feeling her nerves start to float away. "You ready to go?" He asked, opening the door. She nodded, walking through into the cold Chicago night. The presence of Antonio behind her made the walk peaceful and nice, even though there were no words exchanged between the two of them. But the silence wasn't awkward at all, at least to Sylvie. When they reached her car, she turned towards Antonio. "Thank you." She graciously told him, searching through her bag for her keys. She was about to walk to the driver's side of her car, but she stopped when Antonio called her name. "What is it?" She asked, tilting her head up at him in confusion. "I miss you." He blurted out, causing Sylvie's mouth to drop open with shock. She had barely any time to process the bombshell that had just came out of his mouth before he continued talking. "Honestly, I've missed you ever since we broke up." He admits, taking a step closer to her. "And I think—" "We shouldn't be doing this." She interrupted him. "No! I don't mean it like it seems!" She rushed her words out when she noticed Antonio's crestfallen face. "I mean, not like this." She couldn't spring her words together, completely flustered. "How do you want to do this?" Antonio questioned, now a more hopeful expression on his face. "We can't just.....jump on each other, you know." She explained, fidgeting with the keys in her hand. "I want us to talk, discuss things." "I can do that." He agreed, nodding his head. "I'll text you, okay?" Sylvie couldn't help but smile at the confirmation. "Okay." She softly responded, walking around her car to get to her driver's side. "I'll see you." "See you." He didn't leave until her car was out of sight.

[1dliveshere]

The Last Summer ch. 4

“Omg. Gigi what’s wrong?!”

“I- I was supposed to s-start my period last weeks, b-but I didn’t.” Gigi stuttered through tears.

“Sh—schnitzel.” Maya looked at Gigi.

“I-I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out. What if I’m pregnant?”

“Gigi, it’s okay. I was in your shoes like 6 months ago. We’ll just walk to the closest gas station and buy a pregnancy test.” Kayla hugged Gigi, “It’s going to be okay, I promise.”

All the girls looked at another completely confused and shocked. What had Kayla meant by she had been in Gigi’s shoes before? Kayla seemed to not even notice what she had said, so the girls just let it slip.

“Okay I googled it and it says the nearest gas station is 3 miles away. You’ve got to be kidding me.” Groaned Eleanor.

“Freaking Harry didn’t leave the keys in the admission.” Alyssa pointed towards the front of the RV.

“I love that buy but sometimes he’s just plain stupid.” Kayla rolled her eyes.

“Well we better get walking if we want to make it back before the boys get home.”

All the girls jumped out of the RV and started heading towards the nearest gas station.

***

“Hey girls were b— ummm where are the girls?” Niall asked sounded concerned.

“What do you mean? They aren’t in there?”

“Harry, I’m pretty sure I’m not blind. They aren’t in here.”

“Someone call them”

“I tried, it goes straight to voicemail.” Liam layed his phone in the counter.

“Lovely. We are in the middle of no where and the girls are missing.” Zayn grumbled.

***

“Which one should I get? I’ve never bought a pre—“buy this one. It will give you the quickest results.” “Thanks Kayla.” Gigi looked around the other girls with a confused look on her face.

“Alright guys I’m going to go take this really quick.”

“Good luck”

While they were waiting for her, Alyssa found the ice cream aisle.

“Ohhh we should get ice cream and make ice cream sundaes.”

“Alyssa you’re a genius. We’re doing it.” Maya cheered.

So the girls gathered vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, sprinkles, and cool whip.

“This is making me hungry.” Eleanor licked her lips.

As the girls walked back towards the bathroom Gigi approached them.

“Well????” Kayla asked.

“It was negative.”

“Oh thank gosh” Alyssa breathed out.

“My reaction exactly.” Gigi smiled at Alyssa.

“Well since you aren’t preggers let’s head back to the RV.” Maya walked away leading the pack.

***

“I’ve literally been trying to call them for 2 hours and they still aren’t here. Should I start driving and see if we can find them?”

“I honestly don’t know at this point. I just really hope nothing happened to th—“ Niall turned his head towards the door as all of the girls pile in the RV.

“Where have you been?! We’ve been worried sick!” Harry looked Kayla in the eyes.

She quickly looked at Gigi as she bit her lip.

“Umm we got hungry after the movie so we walked to a gas station.”

“Oh what movie did you watch?” Liam asked.

All the girls looked between each other and didn’t know how to respond.

“We don’t remember the name of it.” Alyssa looked anywhere but at the boys.

The boys seemed content with that answer and went on with talking. All the girls sat on one couch and didn’t say a thing for literally 3 hours.

“Ok that’s it. What the freak is wrong with you girls? You haven’t said a thing. I know something is up.” Louis raised his voice.

“Wewenttothegasstationbecauseihadtogetapregnancytestbecauseithoughtiwaspregnant.”

“Woah Gigi slow down. What was that?”

Gigi took a huge breath of air, “I thought I was pregnant so we went to the gas station to get a test. It came back negative though.”

“WHAT” Zayn jumped out of his seat.

Everybody was in complete shock at what was happening right before their eyes.

“I think I’m going to pull over into this campsite up the road and let you guys have some privacy.”

As Harry turned into the parking lot of the camping site everyone was dead silent. You could probably cut the awkwardness with a knife. Everyone was just looking around at each other. As the bus rolled to a hault everyone jump out of the bus.

“Zayn and I are going to go walk over to the picnic tables and talk”

As Zayn and Gigi walked away that left the rest of the group standing by the RV stretching their legs.

After 5 minutes had passed and nothing was said, Alyssa had a very important question to ask.

“Kayla, what did you mean by what you said earlier?”

“What’d I say?”

By this point everyone was intrigued by what the two girls were discussing.

“When Gigi was freaking out earlier, you told her you were in her shoes 6 months ago.”

Kayla’s faces paled along with Harry’s.

“I umm I—“ Kayla looked towards Harry and instantly knew he was pissed.

“I can’t believe you told them!” Harry raised his voice.

“I’m sorry. I don’t even remember saying it.”

“Saying what?! What exactly did you mean by that?!” Alyssa hollered.

She already knew what she had meant but she wanted to hear it from Kayla.

“Okay. Fine. 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant. I told Harry and we were honestly petrified. We didn’t know what to do. When I was 8 weeks along I lost the baby due to stress. We didn’t say anything because it was a tough situation. I’m still not over it and probably won’t ever be. There are you happy now?!” At this point Kayla had huge tears rolling down her cheeks. She has screamed everything so loud that even Zayn and Gigi heard it.

“Kayla I’m sorry I shouldn’t have men—“ “yeah you shouldn’t have, but here we are” Kayla stormed off into the woods.

Harry now has tears falling down his cheeks too. They were a mix and angry and sad tears. He was angry that Kayla had slipped up, but also sad that Alyssa had brought it up. Even though they were young they were excited to be parents. Having that ripped away sucks and hurts like heck.

“Harry are you okay mate?” Liam walked towards Harry.

“Yeah I just want some alone time. Someone go after Kayla and when you get her being her back so we can leave.” Harry turned towards the RV with no emotion on his face.

“I got her. I should apologize anyway.” Alyssa ran towards where Kayla had been just seconds earlier. After running for maybe 2 minutes, Alyssa found Kayla sitting on the ground up against a tree with her knees pulled into her chest.

“Hey.” Alyssa mumbled as she plopped on the ground next to her best friend, “ I’m really sorry for bringing it back up. I was just confused. Also, I’m sorry I acted like such a butthole over it. It just shocked me that you guys, you know.... did it and didn’t tell me. And the fact you were pregnant and didn’t tell me. It just kinda hurt my feelings.”

“I didn’t tell you because I felt like a failure. I went to thereapy for awhile because I felt like it was my fault that I lost the baby, but I now know it wasn’t my fault. And the reason I didn’t tell you we slept together, was because you didn’t tell me when you and Niall first had.”

“Well you see, that’s because Niall and I haven’t yet.” Alyssa replies sheepishly stairing at the ground.

“Oh I didn’t realize that. There’s no reason to be ashamed of that. I think it’s great you aren’t moving fast. I just figured since you’ve been dating for so long you had.”

“Is it weird that we haven’t?”

“Is it not normally heard of? Yes. But is it weird? No. There’s no reason to rush into things. I’m proud of you for waiting.”

“Thanks Kayla.” Alyssa smiled, “ I’m sorry for pressuring you into talking about something you weren’t ready for.”

“ it’s okay. I honestly feel better getting it off my chest.”

“Well I’m glad,” Alyssa pulled Kayla into a hug. “I love you. I hope you know that.”

“I love you too boo”

The girls helped each other up and headed back to the RV. Once getting in you could cut the tension with a knife.

Harry was sitting up in the front by himself staring at the window. He through into drive without even waiting is Kayla was sitting down and sped off. Kayla would have fallen over if Louis hadn’t reached out and grabbed her to stabilize her.

“Thanks Lou.”

As everyone was sitting in silence, Alyssa walked up to Niall, “Can I talk to you in the back bedroom?”

“Yeah of course.”

They walked to the back and closed the door.

“Niall, do you want to sleep with me?”

“Woah. You waste no time. Where’s this coming from?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t want you to get bored of me.”

“Get bored of you?! Babe come here.” Niall slaps is leg.

Niall wraps his arms around Alyssa, “Alyssa Forrest, you are the love of my life. I could never get bored of you. When I look at you, even after almost 3 years of dating, I get butterflies. I have memorized the way you snore when you sleep, how you talk too fast when you get nervous, and how you bite your lip when you want me to kiss you. I’ll never get bored of you. I love you too much.”

Alyssa smiles at Niall, “ I love you too Ni. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

“I’m not pressuring you into something you aren’t ready for. When you’re really ready I’m ready, but right now I don’t think we are. Let’s take it slow. There’s no reason to rush into something that we will be able to do our whole lives. Okay princess?”

“Okay” Alyssa snuggled into the crook of Nialls neck.

As they walked out into the main area the awkwardness was definitely still thick. But Alyssa’s heart felt peace now that her and Niall were on the same page.

[tangerine-notes]

New Years Resolutions

Hey guys! I’m going to try and be more active on this blog this year. Here are some things I hope to accomplish in the next 12 months. I’m going to try and document my progress on this blog and maintain a better record of my study habits as well. Happy New Year!

Read 12 books (At least 1 book/month)

I know I don’t read enough, and I’m not proud of that. I read a lot when I was in elementary and middle school, but since high school, I can’t say I’ve picked up a book to read ‘for fun’. I remember how much I enjoyed reading and I want to get back into it. It used to be so much of who I was, and I feel like I’ve lost that. Also, I’d like to use reading to get me off the internet, which is part of my next goal.

Spend less time online (Use StayFocused realistically, no social media after 10p)

I used to use the chrome extension “StayFocusd” during school, but I found myself turning it off and allowing myself on my blocked sites because I thought I deserved more of a break than I was getting. This year, I want to be more realistic about the time I allow myself to view social media/blog/etc. I know an hour a day is the amount I’d like to allow myself, but I don’t think I can cut everything cold-turkey, so I’m going to start noting my habits and winding down from there. Like I said before, I’d also like to replace some of my online time with reading, since I think the reason I tend to be online so much is because my brain needs a break--I need to find other ways to take a break that won’t kill my eyes, irritate my tendonitis, or hurt my neck. 

Journal/blog (At least 1 entry/month) 

Last year, I started blogging about my experiences as a student teacher. I really enjoyed keeping a record of my work in the classroom and looking back on/remembering everything I was involved in. This year, I’d like to do more of that; I want to write more of my own thoughts down, whether they be thoughts on teaching, politics, school, life, etc. I want to have more of a written record of my year. 

Exercise (At least 2 days/week apart from yoga)

I haven’t been the best at sticking to an exercise routine. I tend to exercise when I have the time/motivation to do so/haven’t done it in awhile, but I’d like to get in the habit of doing so regularly. My primary motivation for exercising is to become stronger and healthier. I don’t want to be hooked into the mentality of needing to lose weight, and so I don’t want to overemphasise exercising, but I want to take care of my body and I know I’m not as physcially active as I should be. 

Learn how to do the splits (Stretch at least 4 days/week)

This has been a goal of mine for a long time, but I’ve always pushed it aside because I don’t feel I have the time or I get bored of my stretching routines. This year, I signed up for a yoga class at my university and I hope I can stick with the stretching and flexibility training. Apart from my yoga class (2 days/week), I want to incorporate stretching into my routine (at least 2 more days/week--after exercising)

Keep up with current events (Read at least 2 articles/week)

Two semesters ago, I took a current events class at my university. I really enjoyed being “required” to read the Times every morning. The discussions I had with friends/classmates were very rewarding, and I want to be able to foster those conversations again. Also, I’ve always felt self-conscious of my lack of historical/political knowledge and I’d like to do something about that. I know I have some fairly strong opinions, but I think reading more and allowing myself to digest new information will make me more open minded and knowledgable.

Pick day to meal prep and stick to it

This is something I tried (and mostly succeeded) doing this year. Because I’m working now, and still taking a full course load, I know I’m going to have to reevaluate my schedule and my meal prep. When figuring out my weekly routine for this year, I want to make this a priority. I’m going to pick out recipes for the week, have a plan of what I want/need to eat, and put things together (at least) the day before I plan to eat them so I’m not scrambling for food throughout the day. Being well-fed and fueled will make me more likely to stick to my goals and maintain a steady energy level throughout the day.

Go out more, say 'yes' to trying new things

I started doing this toward the end of last year, and I really appreciate the fun I’ve had with friends since. I know I’m a pretty introverted person, and I have a hard time motivating myself to go out, make plans, and be with other people outside of an academic context. I’m not sure if not wanting to go out is anxiety related or energy related, but either way, I know I have fun when I’m with my housemates and my group of friends at university and at home. I want to choose to spend more time with them while we’re all in the same place (before we graduate, move away, grow up, etc.). I don’t want to take people for granted, and I don’t want to forget about them either. 

Declare CS

In 2016 I struggled against a pretty decent academic setback. My major requires a 3.3 GPA (B+ average) in its lower-division prerequisites in order to declare, and I fell just short (earning a B) in one of my prereqs last semester. Because I really want to do Computer Science, I elected to fail the class in order to be able to retake it in the future. It was a big decision to make--hitting my GPA hard and putting me in jeopardy of losing my academic scholarship--but I’m thankful I’ve kept my options open, and I know I can work to get me to where I need to be. This summer, I’ll be repeating the course for a better grade and (hopefully) submitting my declaration application.