#his crash dummy history aside

[luimagines]

Fck it Droid AU headcanons? Or just a small thing with Skydroid / Twidroid?

Droid au lives on forever

Let’s introduce the rest of the boys

Masterlist

Content under the cut!

Sky

Model SKYLNK

Programmed to be a domestic droid

Babysitter, cook, butler

Tutors the small children, watches over them, and takes care of pets as well

Due to it’s softer programming, when working in the public, it tends to work in bedside manner

Like nurses and nannies

The kind to work in hospitals and elderly living

Not necessarily the newest model on the block, but is one of the most affordable one

Commonly seen in the homes of the middle class

This droid is known for having very little drive deviate from orders

There’s very little facial expressions for newer models

Some, however, have been seen to mimic the facial expressions of the people they serve due to the acclimating programming naturally found in all droids 

The droid is built for handy work around the house

But not designed for hard labor or any heavy lifting

Perfect designed to keep things moving smoothly through the unit it’s assigned to

However- newer models have been seen to come with relationship programming (a new project from Hylia.Inc) 

Further development is yet to be seen

Time

Model TIMLNK

One of the few adults droids on the market

Versatile for many upgrades and job applications

Heavy work? Built for it

Domestic droid? On it

Teacher, hospital nurse, secretary? Just download the needed package for him to take on what job you need him to do

There are certain things that maybe a bit awkward for him to do

Like translating or babysitting

But it works in a pinch

Also sought out as a companionship droid

Takes on a lot of brunt work

While he has a lot of packages that came with time (ha), he is used more for heavy work, like cargo or supply shipments

Isn’t so much for public availability despite the company’s best efforts to expand his roles in society

Not very expressive due to the shift in attention when he was being designed

This is probably why he’s not bought for public use even if he can do the jobs

But he is programmed to be hard working and the robotic equivalent to compassionate 

So this guy never really stops working if the data received can be interpreted as contributing

Legend

Model LGNLNK

Teenage Domestic droid

Known for it’s extensive programming

In the highest demand due to the versatile talents that goes into him

Is used beyond domestic circumstances

Is typically found in place of a translator for political or high standing communal events

Can cook

Clean

Teach

Can directly call emergency services 

Known for the original intention of keeping younger children company or for acting as a Jiminy Cricket for older children

Also originally advertised for older couples who wanted a younger energy in their empty nest

As since branched out to include the other features and is the more commonly seen droid out in public

Also the most customizable out of all of the publicly made droids

Is the only droid available beyond national borders

Other, more advanced models are in progress

Hyrule

Model TRVLNK

A multi-purpose droid

Designed for human relation work or bedside manner

Typically a nurse droid

But not designed for domestic use

Is designed with high grade professional use in mind

Is commonly found in nursing homes or in children’s hospitals

Is also a part of public staff in very highly populated common areas

Like carnivals and amusement parks and zoos and museums and the like

Also acts as tour guide in many other places where travel agencies send tourists for their holiday vacations

Is one of the few droids on the market that can connect to GPS

When droids begin to start working for the public division, they were at first found in buses, driving people from destination to destination

Naturally this upset many people and bus use fell around 19%

But with time people got used to it’s features and the buses ran on time for a change

Not to mention his pleasant demeanor and over all cheerful disposition in his programming made this model likable by many who had to see him on a day to day basis

Four

Model FSWLNK

Meant to be the successor to the WNDLNK model

Used as a child support droid

But also a family companion for lonely, childless adults who want youthful energy in the household

Because of his youthful appearance but older programming, this model tends to be used for public service more so than private ownership

Even if this model is seen nearly in every family friendly public space, there are a few who do accompany children as a family owned appliance

The reason he’s more corporately owned than privately is because he is also used as a child safety surveillance system

Like at public places where children can easily be lost

Like at the zoo, museum, festival, carnival, you name it

They are looking for kids without supervision or who appear to be in danger

It took a lot of training to get that programming even marginally successful

Because they need a lot of of the droids on surveillance, they tend to wear different colored uniforms so people can identify what job that specific droid is doing

Can also be found in child counseling offices or therapy clinics (physical therapy included)

One of the more easy going personality programs

Easy to get along with and easy to like

Is programmed to work with multiple units despite the success in privately owned facilities

Wild

Model CALLNK

Meant for high paced, highly demanding work

A public service droid by nature

Meant to work in the police force

Also found in office facilities 

Or a high scale kitchen where orders have to leave in the matter of minutes

Used as a security droid in a lot of places as well

But more so as a security droid for high profile individuals

Meant to defend and protect no matter the cost

Even if it includes damage to self in the process

Not very expressive in nature

Due to the difficulties and intricacies in programming, they forgo any need for there to be a personal expression in this particular model

So he’s always straight faced no matter what the circumstances are

It’s very unusual for this model to be found in the private or commercial sector

As mentioned before those who use this model for private use are high profile people and people with money

One of the most expensive models on the market

Very few even know he exists

Wind

Model WNDLNK

Child Domestic Droid

One of the first models made by Hylia.INC

Made as an support companion

Later tweaked for homes where children are wanted but not available for whatever reason

As support companions they were designed to help children with special needs, whatever it may be

From reminding children to take their medicine on time, to helping them keep to a schedule and remembering chores as well as simply being emotional support 

The concept was at first a personified tablet

But later on, newer models became more life like and more attuned for family life

Even more later on, they were designed for aforementioned concept of lonely adults who wanted to have children without the cost or mess or real children (Take that as you will)

Is sensitive to temperature

Occasionally feels “hunger” to simulate taking care of another human

Very playful in nature

Few models can be seen in schools with a little more money to float around, helping children where Paras are hard to find

Typically used in school with younger children as the older ones tend to be a little put off by his young appearance

A people pleasure by default, but no one knows if it’s based on his programming or on his need to see though with his missions for the day

Warrior

Model WARLNK

Consort Droid- built for relationships

Has been used for espionage purposes

Doubles as a security droid as well

Is seen typically working a desk job as well

Secretary models, am I right?

Someone has to handle all the forms and PAs and meetings and names and appointments

Not just desk jobs, but also customer service

Is very much used for the public service

Only the rich have it for personal use since it would have added features regarding said spy ware and filtrations mannerisms

Or just to have a pretty thing around

Some people are into that so he’s also for them

Service with a smile~

(potential angst for android War? Definitely.) 

That being said, due the upgraded systems used for both security work and espionage

WARLNK models have also been integrated into public police forces

Public opinion varies heavily on either side

But their effectiveness cannot be ignored when investigating a crime scene

Twilight

Model TWILNK

Heavy work load droid

Handy man is all aspects

Meant to be put to work

Known from farms to construction sites

Programmed to be very loyal to the cause

Lives to serve so to speak

Needs to receive feed back to know if it’s contributing to the community

While not the typical domestic droid, some houses have been known to have a model or two around

Some companies rent out their models to the common folk to help with renovations, or moving, or landscaping, or plumbing- even electrical work

In this au, a lot work for “Got Junk?” 

There has been the one in a million celebrity that has managed to find customization locals and renovate the model to be that of an escort droid

But that’s a very expensive process

And frankly, it’s easier to change the hardware than the software

Is also the occasional nursing droid

Known to be working in nursing homes and independent living units, where it might be required to lift an entire body as dead weight for whatever reason

Is the strongest droid on the market

[mrpenguinpants]

Genshin: Royalty AU [V1]

I’ve been a hermit ever since covid dropped lol. Yes, you’re doing social distancing right. Imagine going outside? Ptff, what a weird concept. But I’m happy you’ve stuck around for so long despite the constant brainworms I have. Oho?? More crumbs 👀 Lemme just crack my knuckles real quick. I’m throwing a reader in just so I have an excuse to tag everyone haha. These are a lot more scuffy compared to my usual HCs but let me brainrot for a sec. 

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Genshin: Holding Hands [V1]

Genshin: When you’re cold [V1]

Genshin: University AU [V1]

Genshin: Roomate HCs [V1]

Genshin: Mythos AU - Cat Xiao

[Masterlist]

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[taglist]  <- if you want to be added, please read this first.

@youaskedfurret​​ @diaxfeliz​​ @wintergreen-aix​​ @aethwie​​ @thegayrubberducky​​ @lovelykittycatmeow​​​ @yuunoagivesmelife​​ @dokidokisama @rokipersonal​​ @minakohasmanyhusbandos​​ @strwbrry-lia @tigerpriestess​​ @yuu-yuukurotsuki​​  @qimiie @onowie​​ @hanniejji​​​  @mikeysbike​ @unionwitch​ @musekala​ @sunnshiii​ @stanzastic​ @akaasea​ @xoneaboveallx @adoring-ghost @asheseiler @childelover @dilucsz​ @dai-tsukki-desu​ @thicmitten​ @nonniechan​ @htnicayh​ @genshins1mpact​ @morthecreator​ @aanne2601 @aklxojjk​ @fulltimeventisimp​ @legionqueensav​​​ @castinluckgamer​​​

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Zhongli

Your first impressions of Zhongli was that he was an egotistical and selfish brat. To be fair, you might have adopted some of those qualities yourself but you were both children at the time. Your sister, Guizhong, was tasked to take care of Zhongli in place of his parents which lead to your first meeting with the infamous Imperial Prince. At first, you were excited to finally meet someone who was the same age as you and Guizhong was always so kind. But when he turned to face you two, he just asked if Guizhong was supposed to be his concubine. You weren’t sure whether to gag or throw your shoe at him but Guizhong quickly intercepted before you could do anything that could get you killed. It’s only until you spent more time with him that Zhongli tells you that he has never had someone care for him or want to spend time with him without some alterative motive. 

Zhongli radiates sheltered child from birth. To outsiders, he seems really slow on normal everyday tasks but that’s because he’s never had to worry about doing mundane things. He’s always had someone else to do them for him that when he’s out in public, he just stands around and waits for someone to help him. It’s incredibly awkward for everyone in the situation when Zhongli forgets to bring mora and just stands off to the side until one of his servants comes to pick up his check. That’s how Zhongli got such a bad reputation of being a spoiled brat despite being a well-mannered and polite man. When he drops something he just turns to look at you, back at the object, then back at you. You have to pound it into your brain that no, Zhongli is not a lazy and he isn’t trying to be insulting, that’s just how he’s lived his life. When you tell him he is fully capable to picking things up, because what if he dropped something important when he was older and the wind swept it away, he pounders the thought as if you’ve just explained the meaning of the celestials to him that you give up and just pick it up for him. 

A Prince from Mondstadt named Venti used to come to Liyue for playdates while their father’s talked business and politics. He was the complete opposite of Zhongli but you genuinely liked him. While he was a bit more bolder and hyper compared to the calm and quiet Zhongli, he would always try and get Zhongli out of the palace and outside. You end up missing so many fun and interesting things when you’re locked up in your study room. How can the next Emperor care about his land when he doesn’t even know what it’s like to live there? It was the first time you and Zhongli went out just for fun and you might have gone a bit overboard in hindsight, but Venti’s personality and the feeling of freedom to do anything was addicting. Plus, watching Zhongli’s reactions to all these new feelings made him feel a bit more human. While you knew that Zhongli would do everything for Liyue, you never got the impression that his heart was in it. 

From then on, you and Zhongli try and carve some time out of his schedule to go down to the streets and have a little bit of a break. When you both built kites and scaled all the way to the mountains to fly them, it was the first time you’ve seen Zhongli be bad at something. He always had such elegance and perfection whenever his teachers asked him to do something but as soon as the kite took flight, it would stumble then come crashing down. Zhongli had the most heartbroken puppy expression on his face that you couldn’t help but burst out laughing. While you’re on the ground gasping for air and probably have the most ridiculous expression on your face, Zhongli smiles gently as he looks at you then back to Liyue. The moment is ruined when Guizhong comes running towards you both and scolds you for sneaking out. 

While it’s somewhat annoying when other attendants in palace gush about how well Zhongli is growing into becoming the next emperor, both in smarts and appearance, you have to somewhat agree with them in some places. If you want to know the history of Liyue or how to properly place a tea set, he can tell you in incredible detail. However, when it comes to social cues and interactions, he’s awful at them. Everything is treated a business deal that it makes everyone somewhat nervous or uncomfortable that you’re internally dying at any social event he goes to. But despite the awkwardness, he has a lot of admires that frequently send him letters of marriage or adoration that you have to shift through. It makes you a bit uncomfortable reading the flowery language but it surprised you a bit how many people have the misconception that Zhongli planning to have you as his spouse. When you mention this to Zhongli as a joke, he returns to his thinking pose and he contemplates the idea before nodding and agreeing with the letters. He proposes to you right then and there and it’s such a sudden development that your brain has finally broke and you pass out. 

Venti

Venti is one of those royalty types that spends so much time outside and away from his duties that he’s basically thrown his cape and crown to the wind. The first time Zhongli visited Monstadt, his first impressions of Venti were him singing to a crowd. While Zhongli doesn’t understand why Venti would spend his time on music rather than his studies, they still get along well. Mostly because Venti has a very easy going personality, even if he’s a bit blunt, but whatever comments he makes fly over Zhongli’s head. Unlike him, you’re the complete opposite. You’re a knight in training with an earnest heart that wants to protect the City of Mondstadt with your entire being. While you don’t necessarily hate Venti, because he never asked to be born into the royal family, you can’t help but get frustrated at his nonchalant attitude towards everything aside from alcohol and music. 

Your first meeting with him was during your time training under the Favonius Knights. You wanted to get a bit more practice late in the night when Venti stumbled upon you bullying a poor wooden dummy before he announces his arrival. He laughs a bit at your fumbling as you quickly get into a proper kneel but he waves it off saying it was unnecessary before he asks what you’re up to. You’re in mid-explanation when Venti cuts you off with a yawn and you can feel the irritation creeping up on you as you snap back why he’s outside instead of inside the safe walls of the castle. Your irritation grows even further when Venti smugly grins, patting himself on the back from getting a rise out of you, before he reaches into the bag you just noticed he was carrying to produce sheets of music. 

While his teacher’s drone on and on about the production of wine, he is busy writing songs in his textbooks. While he understands the importance of his role, he thinks the people can rule themselves just fine without his help. He wants to leave his crown and become a bard and live an ordinary but free life. How he’s always sneaking out to go explore without the world constantly breathing down his neck. Whether his posture is correct or if he’s memorized the history of berries wouldn’t matter. Honestly, Venti is weighing his options of either staying as a royal or leaving everything behind to pursue the life he wants. When he finishes his heart-felt speech he expects you to give him those same pitiful and woe is you eyes but you’re just angry. You can understand his sentiment, living a life that you never asked for isn’t fun, but suddenly packing your things and jumping ship would only cause chaos and conflict. At least have some sort of replacement before you leave damnit. 

Now it’s your turn to be surprised, rather than taking offense to you, a nameless knight, basically insulting the him, the Prince, he lights up in excitement. He rips his cape and crown off before he’s shoving them onto you before you can even say anything. He’s almost bouncing on his feet as he tells you that you can freely take his crown and become the next in line. You have no idea how that would work but he mentions that he knows a man named Albedo that can help change your appearance to look like him. That way, you get to protect the City you love so much and he get’s to live the life he’s always wanted. It’s completely fool proof with no flaws whatsoever! Except for the fact, that he is jumping way too far to conclusions, he’s shoving his responsibilities onto you, and most importantly, you don’t the first thing about Venti and how to act like him. 

Before you know it, Venti has dragged you to meet his Father to personally appoint you as his personal knight. He doesn’t take no for an answer even though you aren’t qualified at all to be protecting someone of high position as him but Venti’s always been a handful that someone needs to watch over him. You have no idea how one night managed to throw your entire life into this chaos but you’re not sure if you can even get out of this situation at this point. 

Kaeya

It all happened so suddenly. You and him were playing in the gardens when his father rushed in and took both of your hands and dragged you to the border to Khaenri’ah. The land you were both used to seeing, the friendly baker that would always give you both sweets, or the magic that used to flow so freely was transformed into red cubes. You were both scared and confused but as you both reached the border oh Khaenri’ah, a large gate that leads to the above world of Teyvat, his father tells you both to run as far as you could and never look back before he pushed you both in. It wasn’t until years later that you both discovered that a corrupted god had taken control of Khaenri’ah. Now, everyone believes that the Khaenri’ah prince is dead because he’s been missing for so long and whatever hope Khaenri’ah has is gone. For his own safety, he had to change his name to Kaeya and you both found yourself at the gates of Mondstadt. 

It took a lot of adjusting for the both of you but Kaeya especially. Your mother had dropped you into the care of Kaeya’s family for a short while before everything went downhill. She was a bit on the neglectful side but she was still your mother and you knew she was alive. On the other hand, Kaeya lost his entire family and nation in a single moment. Whatever pure happiness and bright personality he used to have quickly regressed until he was a shy and quiet kid. You know he blames himself for what happened even if there wasn’t anything he could have done but he’s grown a fear of outsiders so he tends to avoid other children his age. Instead finding comfort in playing with the funny looking abyss mages and slimes that are on the outskirt of Mondstadt. While he doesn’t seem bothered by the weird comments other people make of him, you know deep down he does get hurt, that it makes you so mad that you end up lashing out. 

You end up getting into a few fights as Kaeya patches you up. He scolds you and says that he doesn’t need you to go so far for him is when you make him a promise that you’ll protect him with everything you have. It’s the first moment since everything happened that he seems to gain back that life in his eyes. He blinks at you before he chuckles sheepishly and comments that you can’t even tie your shoes correctly do you stumble a bit. You’re a bit embarrassed at your sudden proclamation but stand determined about it. You both end up making a pinky promise to stay by each other’s side until the very end. 

When you’re both older and in the position of Captain and Teacher in the Favonius Knights is when he seems to be a bit more open. You both end up gaining a reputation of the laid-back Calvary Captain that bother’s the strict but kind Teacher. He’s always waltzing in the middle of you class to tease you before you end up throwing something at him to get him to stop embarrassing you in front of new recruits. You end up getting back at him with your woe is me acting and push all your paper work on him. Since he loves spending so much time in your class, he should know how to do all your paper work right?. Despite all of this, if anyone needs to find Kaeya or you, you’re basically a packaged deal. Always attached to the hip. 

Kaeya knows deep down, at some point he’s going to have to go back to Khaenri’ah and save his people but he’s conflicted. While he knows it’s selfish that he get’s to live a life of freedom, he wants to be selfish. Not just for him but for you as well. You’ve both basically lost everything and now that things are okay, he doesn’t want to give that up. While you both promised to stay together until the end, you’re the only person he has left and he doesn’t want to rope you into his mess or have you worry about him. He’s heard of the blond traveler in black and blue that is searching for the lost prince of an unnamed kingdom, knows that the peaceful life he has right now will come to an end, but he pushes it aside. Besides, there are more important things to attend to. Today might be the day he tells your students about how you fell into a lake because you got scared by a frog. 

Jean

Jean is incredibly dedicated to her role and to her people because she’s genuinely a good person and wants to see people happy. Especially her sister Barbara. She’s a bit awkward and clumsy in her execution but she has a lot of heart. Being her personal knight, you know just how hard she works and you admire her greatly for her ideals and nature. She has such a professional and gentle façe when she’s out in public but as soon as she’s behind closed doors, she’s collapsing into your arms as the world lifts for a short while. You chuckle a bit amused at how different she appears to the outside world, how the ever prime and proper Princess wakes up with a rat’s nest, how her favourite food is pizza, or how she throws these 7 inch heels out the window as soon as a ball is over. 

Due to Jean’s kind-hearted nature, when it comes to more pushy people she can’t seem to say no to. Travelers or citizens that think they can take advantage of the Princess is what makes your blood boil. While she isn’t stupid and knows that people are taking advantage of her, she wants to extend any help she can. Not for her public image but because that’s how she is. While it warms your heart that people like her exist, as her knight you can only let so many things slide. When some shady peddler tries to lead Jean somewhere, you’re already stepping in and smilingly sweetly as you grip the peddler’s hand in a death grip and not so subtlety say that he better have a good excuse for why he wants to drag the Princess away or there might be a problem. 

When Jean is overworking herself and nearing her breaking point is when you step in. You may be her knight but you’re also her friend and you know when it’s time to stop her destructive habits. She might complain and reassure you that she’s fine but you don’t accept that. If she was “fine” her temperature wouldn’t be the same level as a pyro slime and she wouldn’t have such dark circles under her eyes. It’s a simple bend and lift to carry her in your arms that she ends up stuttering before going pink and let’s you carry her to her room. While she’s screaming into her hands, you’re preparing medicine and everything she’ll need to make a full recovery. 

The hardest times for Jean is when her Father constantly pesters her to find a husband. Jean is an independent person and while yes, while being a workaholic isn’t against help, but she doesn’t believe she needs a husband just to make her entitled to rule her kingdom. Besides, Jean is secretly a hopeless romantic. You’re very tight lipped about secretly finding her love story books hidden under her bed unless you want to see her self-combust. You try your best to comfort her but there’s not a lot you can do for her situation other than offer words of reassurance and try and get her mind off things. While you’re patting her on the back she’s looking at you as if you’re the most oblivious person in the world. 

Albedo

Albedo is a renowned alchemist that helps royal families with their problems with the use of his intelligence and abilities in alchemy. Something that only a few people can do throughout Teyvat, you being one of them as well. At first, you had admired Albedo and his abilities and saw him as a bit of a role model for young alchemist. Until you actually met him in person. He’s pretty much an emotionless void of a person that he comes off as extremely unempathetic when he listens to the woes of royals. While you sort of agree, the problems that royal’s commission you for are completely ridiculous and selfish, he doesn’t have a moral compass and if he can benefit from it. He’ll do it, no matter how questionable it may seem. 

Maybe it’s because you have a little sister figure in your life to stir your moral compass but it still get’s you irritated. It’s always a joy to see Klee when you come back home from your travels that whatever bad mood you were in suddenly washes away. But when you knock on Alice’s door only to have it open to reveal Albedo holding Klee in his arms does your world come crashing down. Klee is completely ignorant to your internal screams as she scrabbles out of Albedo’s hands to give you a hug and take your hand in hers as she leads you inside. You can almost feel the inner workings of Albedo’s mind as he stares at you blankly as Klee shows you the new art she drew.  

You both don’t mention or talk about it even when you happen to cross each other’s paths outside or you both end up seeing each other at Alice’s home. It’s a bit funny to you, to the outside world Albedo seems so aloof and untouchable, and yet you’re here watching him get tired from chasing Klee around and trying to stop her destroying her home with her bombs. It almost makes you smug when Klee listens to you better than Albedo, it might seem a bit petty and small but you don’t care. He ends up getting back at you when he ends up one-upping you in front of the royal court. He does a quick scan of the room before his eyes land on you and he shoots you a small smug smile before his face returns to it’s neutral expression. You’re clapping along with everyone with the most strained smile you can muster. 

You manage to find out from Klee that Albedo enjoys drawing that the next time you see him, you ask if you could see him draw something or if he had sketches on hand. You’re fascinated by his drawings, more so than his actual research discoveries, as you look at the tiny details he’s managed to capture. Outside of Klee, no one’s really been interested in his drawings that he can’t help but feel a little flustered when you’re gushing about his work. It’s different from people praising his alchemist efforts, you’re not someone whose staring at him like he’s on a pedestal when you say you like his drawings, and it feels genuine. He offers a small smile and says that if you’d like, he’d love to show you some more sketches. 

You’ve never noticed it until other people bring it up but Albedo seems close to you. Usually once he’s done his business he leaves but if you happen to be around, he sticks around a bit longer just to speak with you. How he seems comfortable to relax in your presence and even leans in closer. How he complies with your requests without any benefit to him. You’re not sure what type of relationship you hold with Albedo. You don’t think you’re friends but you’re definitely closer than acquaintance. If taking care of a a hyper active walking bomb doesn’t bring two people closer than you don’t know what does. But at the end of the day, you find you don’t really care. Not everything needs to be labelled and categorized like things are in alchemy. People don’t seem to understand but you always duck out and escape before you’re questioned further about your personal life. Unbeknownst to you, Albedo is watching you go as he ponders your words. 

Childe

Childe is such a clown. He’s an assassin that doesn’t know the first thing about being subtle and is just in it for the fighting. He’s really just an incredibly egotistical bastard that likes being friendly with his targets, just to see their shocked expressions when it’s him that comes to take their life. He’s actually a pretty down to earth guy. While other assassins in the Fatui either have tragic backstories or some sad pitiful tale, Childe just laughs at them. His family is still alive and he’s never had any true hardships in his life. He’s pretty disliked for this reason but he’s a skilled enough fighter that it somewhat makes up for it. 

Just when Childe’s life is at its peak, is when he slips and falls into the abyss. For the first time, he had to face against a threat and in a situation he has no control over which is completely foreign to him. He barely manages to survive until he’s saved by an unknown figure that goes by the name Skirk. While he’s grateful he’s still alive, facing his mortality for the first time gives him a lot to reflect about. Thus he makes the impulse decision to train under Skirk and grow stronger until he’s able to climb out of the abyss. That’s when he meets you who was travelling with Skirk for the same reasons. Your first interactions with this unknown teen is him challenging you to a fight, just for you to throw him over your shoulder as if he weighed nothing. You expected him to get angry or cry but instead he’s standing right back up and grinning like a psychopath as he asks for another fight. You’re looking at Skirk with the most, are we seriously bringing this child with us? look. 

From then on, it’s been the three of you travelling through the floors of the abyss. Skirk tells you the stories of this place, how it used to be a great nation before corruption cause the citizens to be morphed and transformed into monsters. You and Childe learn how to fight alongside Skirk against these monsters until it ends up becoming a competition between you and Childe on who can kill the most monsters. Skirk is a bit worried that when you both are back into the outside world, if he should be worried about how morbid you both might appear. But while you’re both yelling at each other who actually landed the last kill on the regisvine while the hilichurls are cowering in a corner does he just accept that things aren’t going to change. The world will just have to accept it. If you both actually teamed up, and you have before, he thinks you both would be unstoppable but you’re both too stubborn. 

Despite your rivalry, Childe still has his big brother instincts that whenever you get hurt he’s huffing over you like a mother hen as he scolds you for being so reckless. You’re ignoring the fact that he’s bleeding out while you have minor cuts because you don’t want a crybaby Childe on your hands. Even the harsh conditions of the Abyss, you both find ways to entertain yourself. Childe always challenges you to a fight every second of the day and he always ends up with a sore back when you knock him off his feet. And he always makes the joke that you’re sweeping him off his feet which ends up with him screaming bloody murder as you charge at him. It doesn’t help when he’s still yelling comments behind his shoulder that you might get mistaken for a gorilla when you’re both outside that Skirk has gotten so used to this that he simply ignores the attempted murder going on behind him. 

When you’re both strong enough to climb to the gate of the Abyss, Skirk feels almost like a proud parent. Giving you a head pat and a hard slap to the back for Childe does Skirk wave you both off. You’re trying to mask your tears as Childe grins and promises to see you on the other side, that you’ll definitely meet up in the future no matter what. But when he finally returns to the Fatui, works his way back up to being an assassin, he almost thinks Skirk is laughing at him when he realizes that his first target is you. Not that he’s bothered by it, he'll be happy to see you again and see if he can finally beat you. 

Baizhu

Baizhu is the most suspicious doctor in the history of all doctors. Some citizens aren’t even sure if he’s a qualified doctor but alas, he’s very good at his job and is a lot more tolerable compared to the Alchemist Albedo so that’s how he’s been able to keep his job. He works under the Liyue emperor so even if citizens had issues with him, it’s not like they could do anything in the first place. People aren’t sure whether he’s joking or being honest when he explains what he’s been privately working on behind the scenes. From experiments to rituals, they are taken aback but Baizhu just smiles and says he’s just kidding. Being his assistant, you have to constantly reassure others that Baizhu is a bit of a sadist and likes to get a rise out of people. Besides, why would a doctor be so interested in those type of things? It’s incredibly unnerving but no one questions it. They won’t know what to do in the first place if their suspicious are correct. 

While Baizhu knows how to do his job, he’s always sending you to do the dirty work. From getting medicinal plants up on the very top of mountains or bringing cranky old men their prescriptions, whenever you’re done one task he’s got three more for you. He could at the very least take the trash out while he’s busy doing nothing. At least the job has a few perks. You’ve always had numerous health issues and while Baizhu’s reputation is a bit on thin ice, you wouldn’t trust anyone else to look you over. He’s a bit weird about it, you’re pretty sure Baizhu will never love another person emotionally but when it comes to the science behind a human body, he’s absolutely smitten. He tries to reassure you that he does care for the wellbeing of Liyue but you wave it off at him trying to butter you up before he asks something ridiculous of you. 

You and his snake, Changsheng, do not like each other. You think she’s an annoying and bratty snake that Baizhu needs to throw into a jar to shut up while she thinks you’re a complete nuisance and doesn’t understand why Baizhu keeps you around. Baizhu has tried to get you both to reconcile but it always devolves into a petty argument of back-handed insults until Baizhu has enough and tells you both to quiet down. To be truthful, both of your hatred towards each other stems from two completely different reasons rather than disliking each other’s personality, but you can never bring it up to Baizhu. It’s not a conversation anyone wants to have. 

If he has one positive, it’s his adopted daughter Qiqi who is just an absolute sweetheart. She’s shy and prefers to follow after Baizhu and you like a lost duckling. While Baizhu might be the worst boss in this history of all bosses, it makes you grin smugly internally when Qiqi chooses to stay cuddled in your arms instead of his. Qiqi is 95% the reason why you stay in this job, not that Baizhu would ever let you leave, because you’ve genuinely grown fond of someone for the first time the same way she has for you. You bring her along whenever you need to give prescriptions to citizens just so she isn’t stuck in within the same four walls and the locals love her. From her forgetful nature or how she shy’s behind your legs whenever someone new approach's you both. It’s so cute that people tend to ignore the floating rumours that Baizhu is reanimating his previously deceased family. 

---

I have no idea if I’m just uncultured or if “Always and Forever” Au’s are a thing. I hope you all like this 👉👈 it’s kind of messy and all over the place and I lowkey don’t know if I like my brainrot (there’s a lot of issues ik). I kinda want to do a part 2 where I include other characters but let me know if that’s something interesting? Oh and feel free to add to this, I’d love to hear your ideas. 

[ask-bolin]

IT IS I! The angsty anon! (Who I’ll also reveal myself as the lusty 🌙 anon) MWAHAHAHA. And I bring more angsty ideas 👀 (kinda specific this one, so ya can ignore if ya want) such as:

HOW ABT some pro bendings enemies want vengeance over the fire ferrets and so they capture all of them (bc I like to include the Krew, but it could be only Bolin). But instead of beating Bolin, they get his lover! Who gave themselves so they wouldn’t hurt him. Bolin is furious and telling them why tf. But they stay, and Bolin gotta watch their lover get BEATEN for his sake.

Does he scape and hell is upon them? Or are they saved instead?? How will Bolin cope??? Idk. Author is the god and I’m just messias (I also dont know if I said it right but anyway, sorry if it’s too specific and sorry if this was dumb!!). 🌙

Author's note: Hello angsty/lusty 🌙 anon! Your asks are super fun! I took some time thinking about how I wanted this to go so I hope it keeps up with filling y'alls need for some angry Bolin. (This one is long on purpose to thank you for being so nice and patient with me!)

"Mako, Bolin! Wake up!" Bolin opened his eyes, the light made the pain in his head worse. "Wake up," Korra repeated.

"Where are we?" Mako asked as he looked around to see that he, Bolin, and Korra were tied to chairs with their arms behind their backs.

"Don't you recognize this place?" An unknown voice replied to Mako, "This is where the Fire Ferrets," the voice mocked the team's name, "made Pro Bending history and became the fan favorites!" The Fire Ferrets looked around to discover they were in the middle of the Pro Bending arena.

"If you're a fan," Korra said, "then why did you kidnap us?

"Oh, I'm not a fan of the Fire Ferrets. In fact, no one would be a fan of the Fire Ferrets if they knew what really happened here." As the Krew became fully aware of their surroundings, they noticed their three captors, and the one speaking must have been the leader.

"Wait," Bolin interrupted, "I thought EVERYone knew that I had my pants on backwards for that one match. I thought they didn't care!"

The leader struck Bolin "Don't be stupid! No one is talking about your pants!"

Bolin winced from the pain but turned to look at Mako and Korra, "Then I have no idea what this is about, sorry guys."

"Shut up! This is where the Fire Ferrets beat us," the leader gestured to the other captors. "But what the fans don't know is that your earth bender here was also bending metal at us!"

Mako and Korra quickly defended Bolin, "but he can't metal bend," they said in unison.

"Thanks for the reminder..." Bolin said sarcastically to his team as well as his captors.

"There's no other explanation, I'm the best earth bender in the league!" the leader yelled.

Korra yelled back, "There's a million other explanations! Starting with the fact that you're probably the WORST earth bender in the league!" Korra chuckled to herself as a reward for the comment she felt was pretty witty.

"Enough! I was originally going to BEAT you as bad as you BEAT us when you cheated, but someone else has volunteered to take the punishment. Look familiar?" The other two captors had stepped aside to reveal a familiar face, also bound to a chair.

"Y/n!" the Krew shouted.

"It's okay," y/n said through a mixture of fear and relief, "they said they wouldn't hurt you, Bolin, if I gave myself up. I love you!"

"I love you too y/n! That's why you should never have agreed to this! None of this is your fault!" Bolin scolded, "What were you thinking? I would never want anything like this to happen to you!"

Y/n said, "I would never want anything like this to happen to you either, which is why I have to do this." Y/n turned to the leader, "I'm ready."

The captors didn't allow y/n to finish the last comment before taking turns to deliver their blows. Mako wanted to save his friends and quickly suggested to the leader, "Let your fire bender challenge me! It'll be a fair fight!"

"I've got this," Bolin told Mako in a surprisingly calm manner. Bolin had not taken his eyes off of y/n and their torture.

Korra yelled, "How about all three of you challenge me! And I promise I WON'T keep it fair!"

Again, Bolin's response was calm, but the Krew could hear purpose through his clenched teeth, "I've got this!"

What the captors failed to notice was Bolin's incredible focus. If the leader was a better earth bender, they wouldn't have allowed the knots around Bolin's arms to be as loose as they were. This was all Bolin needed to bend a small fragment of an earth bender disc leftover from a previous match. Bolin concentrated to move nothing but his hands to spin the fragment as a saw against his restraints. Bolin tried his best to keep eye contact with y/n as that was the only protection he could give until his freedom. Bolin's fragment spun faster with every blow that landed on y/n.

With the ropes cut all the way through, Bolin stood up, raising every earth bender disc the captors foolishly left in the arena with him. As the discs lifted out of the ground, the captors stopped their beating and watched the discs they had planned to use as part of their torture move to orbit Bolin.

"You should have taken the fair fight while you had the chance," Bolin's voice boomed. "Get your hands off of y/n," he commanded. Bolin pointed at the offender closest to y/n and a seemingly endless train of earth bender discs flew with precision straight into their gut.

"This is how you earth bend," Bolin told the leader as a teacher instructs a student. Bolin swung his arms to send one disc at a time at the remaining follower. Bolin made sure to show the leader that Bolin was treating his target as nothing more than a practice dummy. Each disc hit with such force that the impact turned the discs into dust until the captor was flat on the ground.

"Whoever you are, you should have just kept your problem with me between us. Bolin sent a few discs to knock the leader away from his love. "But you had to involve y/n. This," Bolin looked at the discs flying around him as calmly as if they had been falling leaves, "this is the consequence of your actions." Only then did the leader notice Bolin show his true anger. Bolin screamed, but it was soon drowned out by the thunder of every disc that remained crashing down on the leader.

The waterfall of chaos had only stopped thanks to Mako, who had finally escaped with Korra, tackling his brother before he could kill someone. "Bolin! That's enough!" Mako begged.

"Y/n!" Bolin called out, "Let go of me Mako, I have to check on y/n!" Mako released Bolin when he was sure his brother's blood lust had subsided. Bolin ran over to y/n as Korra untied them. Bolin helped y/n to stand. Y/n was relieved to see Bolin safe, but worried their lover had the capacity for such destruction. Y/n was confused when they saw no trace of the anger that was just experienced, but was convinced that Bolin had more love in his heart than hate. Bolin's soft kisses and his checking of y/n's wounds were all the evidence y/n needed. Y/n couldn't wait to recover in the safety of their home with Bolin's love as their cure.

[dontmindmyshadowhunting]

The new Shadowhunter Academy - Fan Fic (Chapter 6 - Staying Alive)

Chapter 6 of the new Shadowhunter Academy (fan fic) is out! ;)

Kit & Ty are both at the Academy for a few days to act as guest lecturers :)

Dru is attending of course, and an unexpected guest might show up :)

AO3 link to Chapter 6 - Staying Alive

Link to entire fic up until Chapter 6 is here (fair warning - there is explicit content in Chapter 4 so skip it if you want to avoid it ;)).

****

Kit was ten minutes late. It wasn’t a big deal but given the students’ eagerness to learn from the famous Christopher Herondale, it seemed like hours of anxious babbling that he might not show up.

Dru was starting to wonder about that herself.

When the door of the training room finally opened, Kit’s cheeks were flushed, his blond curls soaking wet - as if he had just come out of the shower - and he looked… pissed. Like he wanted to be anywhere but in that room.

“What am I to teach you for the next hour?” He snapped.

“Spear?” Daniel, one of Simon’s mundane recruits, replied. He was an enthusiastic student who had been nicknamed “Harry Potter” on his first day at the Academy because of the resemblance he bore to the hero from the eponymous books (if said hero had acne problems).

“Oh, right. Spear.” Kit grumbled as he grabbed one from the table filled with multi-sized weapons and twirled it gracefully – the circle moves almost a blur – before instantly stilling it into a horizontal position in front of him. “See that pointed head? Well, you put that right through your opponent’s body. Preferably hit a vital organ.” He threw it toward the dummy placed at the far end of the room. The spear pierced straight through its chest where the heart should be. “Like that.” The students started applauding.

“That’s it. That’s the lecture.” Kit whirled and started toward the door. He stopped short before the figure of Catarina Loss barring the door. She looked furious, her blue complexion a shade deeper than usual.

“KIT HERONDALE, you go back in there and I don’t care if you look at your fingernails for the next hour, you are NOT LEAVING THIS ROOM.”

For the rest of the class, Catarina remained seated on a big granny armchair she had conjured up, in front of the door, knitting a tiny pink pullover (probably for Mina), while Kit told the students everything they needed to know about spears. As it turned out, he was an excellent teacher, and aside from technique, had several stories and anecdotes to share about these weapons, and their history through the ages. He certainly knew how to catch his audience with witty jokes and, yes, Dru had to admit, his Herondale charm and good looks.

****

He wasn’t what Henry had expected. Not by a long shot.

First, he looked nothing like his sister Drusilla, whom Henry shared most classes with. He had gray eyes - the color of iron - where hers were blue-green, and his hair was crow dark where his sister’s were a deep, warm brown. He knew that the Blackthorn siblings were born from two different mothers, but didn’t he have a twin who died during the Cold Peace, and who shared Drusilla’s traits? He had been too young to fight at the time but Henry had seen Julian Blackthorn on a big screen in Idris right before the battle of the Imperishable Fields and he definitely looked like his sister.

To be honest, when the rumour had spread that the best Centurion of his generation - and the creator of several groundbreaking inventions - had finally decided to make an appearance at the Academy, Henry had imagined a crazy inventor wearing oversized safety goggles and a dusty lab coat. Obviously not some Adonis, who looked like he belonged more on a runway than in a library or a lab.

Second, he was more than a little surprised to discover that he was shy and reserved, for a Blackthorn that was. His rigid stance and the way he kept stroking the pendant tied around his neck, to quote only a few tells, betrayed how nervous he was. The whole character was a mystery to him. If he had his reputation - hell, if he had his looks - Henry would probably be parading around like a peacock.

“I am curious. So we are going to start with a question,” the teacher said, his expression bemused and his gaze fixed above the students’ heads toward the far end corner of the room. Most of the time, Henry had noticed, it looked like he wasn’t really addressing them. “Why do you want to become Centurions?”

Several voices erupted at the same time, and he flinched, before lifting a halting hand. “Please. Speak when you are granted permission to.”

The voices subsided and several students raised their hands instead, including Henry.

“Gillian?” He asked as his gaze flickered to her. Henry realized that he never looked anyone directly in the eye.

“Because I want to study faerie lore, the real deal, not the load of crap they teach you at the Academy,” she said smugly, and most students sniggered approvingly.

The Centurion’s lips twitched but he nodded in acknowledgement.

“Henry?”

“Because we get to wear that hot uniform,” he replied, giving the Blackthorn teacher a slow once over.

There was a collective roar of laughter in the classroom. The Centurion just nodded, straight-faced, as if it was as good an answer as any. Henry realized that he was starting to like him.

“Shut up, Henry.” Her Highness Amber Cartwright said as she entered the class. She shooed a student from his seat in the front row and sat there. “I am sorry for being late, Professor Blackthorn,” she said in a sultry voice, as she crossed her long legs in an exaggerated gesture.

The teacher spared her a brief glance. Henry braced himself for the double take - everyone, boys and girls alike, did a double take upon beholding Amber for the first time - but... nothing. The Centurion’s face remained impassive. Moving on. There is definitely something off with him, Henry thought. He is either half-blind and not wearing his binoculars or one fucking hundred percent gay.

“Call me Tiberius. I believe we are all around the same age.”

Amber beamed, her usual scowling face alight. “Okay. Tiberius,” she said, her voice caressing his name.

“And you are…?”

“Amber Grace Cartwright,” she said proudly, as she brushed her fingers through her blond hair.

Tiberius moved to his desk and furrowed his brows as his gray eyes scanned the paper lying there.

“You are not on my list.”

Amber’s face fell a little. “I know, I did not initially register for these training sessions, but Talib agreed to give me his spot. You see, I changed my mind and I really really want to become a Centurion someday.” Henry wondered how she had managed to convince Talib. Only the twenty most promising students - among those interested in becoming Centurions, and Amber had never expressed such an interest - were allowed to follow the course and there was a waiting list.

The teacher just lifted a dark eyebrow. “Oh. Okay.” They all waited as he sat at his desk and started scribbling on the paper, dark curls falling over his face as he bent his head. He was nothing if not meticulous. At the start of the class, he had asked, one by one, each student’s name. Henry had the feeling he had memorized all twenty of them. “Xian?” He asked without looking up.

The girl’s eyes widened and she whipped her head right and left, wondering whether he really was addressing her. As if there was another Xian in the classroom.

“Yes, Pro- Tiberius?”

“You don’t need to pass that folded paper on to your friend Barbara, I can provide the answer to your question.”

“Oh.” She flushed a deep red, and hastily crumpled the paper that she had been clutching under the table. Henry wondered what the message had been about.

“The answer is no. I don’t provide my personal number to students, but if you want to communicate with me, you may either send a fire message or a letter to my attention at the Scholomance, depending on the urgency of the matter.”

His tone was even, his face serious, as if he hadn’t meant to humiliate the girl, but simply state a fact. A low chatter erupted in the class, students casting worried glances at each other. Henry wondered himself how the Centurion had managed to read Xian’s paper when he was seated at the desk in front of the class, a few feet from her. The only one who didn’t seem troubled by that was Amber, who turned to glare at her friend. Xian stuck her tongue out in turn. Oh, Henry thought. Let the Hunger Games begin.

****

After a short recess, the students had another hour of training with Kit.

“As you well know, Shadowhunters use Runes to heal faster when they are injured in battle. Sometimes, it’s all that you need. But other times, a wound needs to be tended before an Iratze is applied. For instance, if you have foreign bodies in your wounds, you have to take them out before using your stele. Except, of course, when it would do much more harm to retrieve them, for instance if it's an arrow. Also, and although you should carry a stele with you at all times, situations may occur when you are without them. Finally, although we have a stronger constitution and heal faster, us Shadowhunters are humans, and we suffer the same diseases as mundanes. We can faint. We can die of a heart attack. We can die of blood loss following a car crash. Therefore, it’s important - and Catarina shares my view on this - to train you in first aid.” A crooked smile lit up his gorgeous face, his blue eyes glinting mischievously. “So who wants to be my dummy?”

All students - save for Dru - raised their hands eagerly. Brianna actually elbowed the girl next to her so she would put her own hand down.

“Drusilla Blackthorn,” Kit announced, with a smirk on his face.

Dru rolled her eyes and came to stand next to him.

“I think it’s more efficient to work on the basis of real-life situations’ simulations. So, what happened to my dummy in this scenario?”

“She fainted!” A student said.

Several students giggled.

“Okay,” Kit said, then looked over expectantly at Dru.

She rolled her eyes again and mimed fainting. As she lay still on the floor, she wondered if he would consider them even after the demonstration or continue to make her pay for the trick she had pulled earlier that day.

Kit knelt next to her.

“Is she conscious or unconscious?” He asked.

“Unconscious!” Another student said.

“Dru, close your eyes,” he said. She did as requested, letting out a deep sigh. “Okay, so how do you check whether or not someone is unconscious?” He asked, and she felt his fingers brush her hand, then he pinched her. She swallowed a swear word.

“Dummy? Dummy? Can you hear me? If you can hear me, blink or move your fingers. No answer. So you can assume she’s unconscious. Next step: you have to check if she breathes.”

She felt Kit’s fingers gently cupping her chin and forehead and tilting her head backwards. He pulled her lips open. “Check the airway first. If the throat is clear…” His hair tickled her face, and the Blackthorn locket grazed her jawline, as Kit leaned over to put his ear directly above her mouth. “See what I am doing? I am checking for a breathing sound while observing the rise and fall of her chest. So, tell me, is she breathing?”

“No,” a student said. Dru recognized Brianna’s voice. You will pay for this, roomie, Dru thought.

“Okay.” Dru realized Kit’s voice trembled a bit. She opened her eyes and saw the conflict in his gaze. What was the matter? “If you are with someone else, that person must go fetch a defibrillator that’s now in every patrol car. If you are alone, you can’t leave the patient so you must call for help. Do not - and I repeat - do not leave your patient’s side to do that. You must practice CPR at once.”

Realization dawned on Dru. Oh, bugger.

“In a real-life situation,” Kit said, drawing the words out. “You should… take your patient’s shirt off or - more accurately - rip it open.” He flinched as he said the last words, but swiftly regained his composure. She had to give him credit for his professionalism. “You must give chest compressions on bare skin. In our case though…”

Dru smirked. “Didn’t think it through, did you?” She whispered to Kit. Seeing his look of dismay, witnessing him trip over himself, was surprisingly satisfying, and if there was something Dru never missed, it was an opportunity to play a prank. Especially when she had been the intended victim of the stunt. She just couldn’t resist. Adrenaline coursed through her veins, and she became reckless. Act first think later became her course of action.

“That’s fine”, she said out loud as she sat up. She pulled the top of her gear off before lying back, wearing only her bra above her gear pants.

There were a few gasps in the crowd. Kit gulped.

“First of all, make sure your patient is lying on her back on a firm, dry surface. If there is blood, move the body away from it. I understand Catarina already taught you how to deal with hemorrhage.”

A few students mumbled a confirmation.

“You should push on the chest at a rate of 100 to 120 compressions per minute, which corresponds to the beat of several songs you can use to help you maintain the proper tempo.” He fiddled with his phone and the sound of “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees started playing.

Dru snorted. Kit was barely looking at her as he plowed on.

“Position your hands above your patient’s chest, like this. Interlock fingers. Then, give chest compressions. Like this.”

Dru tried to hide a smile. Kit’s palm was sweaty against her bare skin. He was flushing a deep red, his face a mask of embarrassment. Punk’d, she thought. Had he known he would be giving chest compressions to Dru - that he considered like a little sister - he would have thought twice about using her as a dummy.

He stopped abruptly, after thirty compressions. “Okay, we are… going to stop here for today.”

“What about the rescue breath?”

“I’ll show you next time,” he choked, as he stood and almost tripped on his feet scouting back. It seemed like he couldn’t get away from her fast enough.

“Does… anyone have any questions on CPR before we move to another exercize?”

“Yeah,” Talib raised his hand. Shit. Not him, Dru thought. What the hell was he doing here anyway, wasn’t he supposed to follow the Scholomance training course?

Kit nodded to him.

“Is that the Blackthorn locket you are wearing?”

Kit’s mouth dropped open. Dru tensed. She knew that Ty had asked that they keep their relationship a secret. Only family and very close friends were in the know. Not because Ty was ashamed, far from it. But because, as a Centurion, he was entrusted with all missions related to the First Heir, and that would change as soon as the Scholomance found out how involved Ty was with the subject of his investigations. Ty didn’t trust anyone else with these missions, so he had begged Helen and Aline not to tell the Penhallows about Kit and him, even though the identity of the First Heir remained a secret to most. One could never be too cautious.

Watching his face fall, the glint of panic in his azur eyes, Dru started to feel really bad for the Herondale boy. She knew that if he had been allowed, he would have screamed his love for Ty at the top of his lungs, from the Academy’s roof. Instead, he lowered his gaze to his feet, swallowing hard.

“Yeah, it’s mine,” Dru blurted. “Seriously, Kit? I told you not to wear it at the Academy!”

Kit whipped his head up in surprise, his blue eyes wide and questioning. He looked like he was about to say something, but Dru wouldn’t give him a chance to deny. What was done was done. She whirled around and retreated to a corner of the training room, bowing her head in order to conceal the blush that had started creeping up her face.

****

“Do you know who founded the Scholomance?” The Centurion teacher asked.

Amber was the only one who raised her hand.

“Amber?”

“It was originally founded by an alliance between the Fair Folk and prominent Shadowhunter families.”

Most of the students gasped. Everyone turned a questioning look at Tiberius, whose lips quirked. “Correct. This is not common knowledge, to say the least. How have you learnt about it?”

“I read a lot and… I may have borrowed some of my brother’s notes. Cartwrights have been filling the ranks of Centurions for generations.”

“But…” Barbara said, looking confused. “I thought the whole purpose of the Scholomance was to investigate all Downworlders, especially faeries, since they are the Nephilim who possess the most extensive knowledge about them.”

“And where do you think the Centurions got their knowledge from?” Amber snapped.

“Why would the Nephilim create a school with Downworlders?” Xian interjected.

“About that,” Tiberius intervened. “The classification of faeries as Downworlders is not entirely accurate and has been challenged over the past few years. Contrary to general belief, some of the Fair Folk species do not have any demon blood. Maybe you’d like to carry on, Miss Cartwright.”

Amber pursued, with a smug look on her face.

“As the story goes, not long after the creation of the Nephilim, the Angel warriors and the Fair Folk made an alliance to protect the Earth from demon invasion. They shared their knowledge - the fey teaching the Nephilim how to use magic in the school they created together, a sort of real life Hogwarts - and even… consorted. After all, the biggest problem that the fey have been facing in the past centuries is the thinning of their blood. Why not mix it with that of Raziel’s chosen warriors? Ultimately, a union was arranged between the Faerie King and a member of a highly respected and powerful Nephilim family. Not all fairies were happy with the union and there was a secession. The Faerie lands were split between two courts from then on. The Unseelie court, choosing to acknowledge a Nephilim queen, considering her as part of the fey royal family, ara nothlir, and the Seelie court, refusing the Angel warriors’ influence.”

She paused to watch the effect of her words on the wide-eyed students.

“The Nephilim queen was not immortal but the King used his magic to stretch out her years. Although they were happy, they had to rule in troubled times. The strong divergence in traits, opinions and customs between the Fair Folk and Shadowhunters soon drew them apart. Raziel’s warriors criticized the fey for being cunning and strongly disapproved of the tricks they played on mundanes and the creation of changelings. Faeries thought Shadowhunters to be ruthless, overbearing and contemptuous.

The Unseelie king’s death - it came as a shock, everyone thought the mortal Nephilim queen was bound to die before him - without any heir being born from their union, was a fatal blow to the alliance. Unseelie laws were clear, the queen dowager no longer held any claim to the throne - the full fey blooded prince Arawn succeeded to his father - and she hid in Faerie under the protection of a few Nephilim who swore to protect her. They could easily be distinguished from the red caps as they wore black cloaks identifying them as Angel warriors. They were not sanctioned by the Clave though, which preferred to sever all ties to the Fair Folk. With the magic they had learnt from the fey, these protectors created an enchanted wall of thorns surrounding the tower where the Shadowhunter queen and her family lay low for hundreds of years.

When an heir was born from the union of the Seelie Queen and Unseelie King, most Nephilim took it as the last stroke of the Fair Folk’s betrayal. It didn’t help that there were whispers about a prophecy stating that the world would fall to shadow under the First Heir’s ruling. So began the witch hunt, the primary target being the cursed descendant. That’s how Centurions began to use the knowledge they had collected from their former allies at the Scholomance against them.

The chase officially ceased when the disappearance of the First Heir was officially announced by the Unseelie Court and the tensions between the Nephilim and the fey eased until they finally made peace with the signing of the First Accords in 1872. The Scholomance was closed then, as a show of good faith that Downworlders and Shadowhunters were no longer at war.”

“What has become of the Nephilim queen’s family?” Henry blurted.

Amber turned to look at him. She was positively gloating.

“They had nothing to be blamed for, so the Clave as well as the Fair Folk let them be after the signing of the First Accords. After all, they were a very influential family to begin with. So, they are still among us.”

“Who are they?”

“Before King Arawn changed the Unseelie Court’s sigil, the symbol was that of a full crown…adorned with a rose, symbol of his father’s attachment to the Lady of Roses,” she said mysteriously.

“The Nephilim queen’s descendants are known as the Rosales,” Tiberius specified evenly.

A low chatter erupted and the words “Inquisitor”, “Diego” and “Cristina” were thrown around repeatedly. They all knew the Council kept a lot of secrets, but the fact that the current Inquisitor belonged to a family that had forged an alliance with the fey in the past, confirmed how little they really knew about Shadowhunter politics.

“And what about their protectors?” A voice suddenly raised from a corner of the classroom.

Amber turned to look at the Centurion who nodded imperceptibly.

“Easy,” she said. “They were released from their oath a long time ago but they have kept their Shadowhunter names. Some say the earlier generations had sharp, elven features due to their closeness to - and interbreeding with - the Fair Folk. They were black cloaked warriors guarding the queen’s family like thorns protecting the delicate rose from its predators. They called themselves the Black Thorns.”

As the students suddenly burst into commotion, Henry’s gaze focused on Tiberius, who stood straight like an arrow, his expression unfathomable. He had a feeling there was more to the story but, whatever it was, Henry knew he would have to swear the Centurion vows before being allowed to hear it.

****

Being a Shadowhunter had major downsides. No matter how hard you tried to shut yourself from your environment, your highly trained senses betrayed you by fulfilling their role like obedient little soldiers.

Dru had never better understood Ty’s need for headphones as she weaved a path in the main hall towards the exit - she wanted to crawl in her bed and hide there until at least the next morning - and tried to ignore the glares and angry whispers that followed her.

“Seriously? Christopher Herondale and Drusilla Blackthorn? It’s like some stupid chick flick where the hot jock hooks up with the weird geek.”

“He’s probably with her because she’s easy. Did you see her take her shirt off in the training room like it was no big deal?”

“Oh, come on, every girl does that here. We’re warriors, we undress to draw Runes on each other all the time. And how is it different from when we train in sports bras when it’s summer?” Well, Dru was relieved to hear at least some girls had her back...

“It’s different when you have a pair of breasts like hers.”

“Right. Tell me about it. Best boobs at the Academy.”

“Yeah, I would definitely hit that.”

“You’re kidding? That girl’s creepy, I would be afraid to be strangled in my sleep.”

“What does he see in her anyway? She has a pretty face, but she dresses like a Goth freak. And don’t get me started on the size of her thighs...”

Dru never allowed anyone to say a single bad thing about her family and friends. But where her own securities were concerned, she was like an open wound anyone could poke. Dru bit back tears as she hurried her footsteps. She needed air. Fresh air.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and whipped her head around. It was Brianna.

“Seriously, Dru? Why didn’t you just tell me before I made a fool of myself?”

“Brianna. I just gave him a necklace. I am not dating him or anything. He’s just a member of Livia’s Watch, that's all. Hence the locket.” Why had she not thought of that excuse earlier?

Brianna lifted her eyebrow dubiously. Dru felt her temper rising.

“Fine.” She snapped. “Believe me or not, I don't CARE.”

NNNNEEEEW YOOOORK. They both startled as the voice of Alicia Keys suddenly blazed through the main hall’s stone walls.

As one, all the students rushed outside to see where the noise came from. Brianna and Dru exchanged puzzled glances before following them wearily out of the wide double front doors.

Dru blinked and, when her eyes finally adjusted to the sunlight, tried to hide her shock as she took in the incongruous sight.

In the Academy’s front yard, a crowd had already started to gather in a circle around the main attraction, giving it a wide berth.

A splendid charcoal grey convertible car was parked at the center of it, as if it had appeared there by magic. "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys was playing full on from the vehicle’s sound system.

Leaning casually against the hood of the car with his arms crossed was the tall figure of Ash Morgenstern. His platinum blond hair was peeking out of a green beanie and he wore an elegant gray cashmere coat that made him look like a British gentleman.

In the back of her mind, several questions buzzed like little alarms. Was he not supposed to be under house arrest? What the hell was he thinking showing up in front of the Academy ? Where did he get the car anyway?

But foremost in her mind was Ash. It’s Ash. It’s really Ash. How gorgeous he was - even more so than she remembered - and how she had never felt more relieved to see anyone in her whole life. She had missed him, she realized with surprise.

Ash straightened up and gave Dru a crooked smile as soon as he caught sight of her.

She couldn’t help it, she ran to him and threw her arms around his slender neck, burying her face in his chest. He smelled of aftershave, a sophisticated fragrance of amber, sandalwood, mandarin and jasmine. Ash stiffened at first, obviously startled by her sudden display of affection, then relaxed and squeezed her tighter.

“If I had known I would receive such a warm welcome, I would have broken out of jail sooner,” he whispered in her ear.

She drew back and shook her head disapprovingly, though a grin was still plastered on her face.

“What on earth are you doing here, Ash?”

“I have come to rescue my Queen.”

“Rescue me? From what?”

“Food poisoning, of course. You told me it was awful here. I was in the neighborhood and it just so happens that I know a perfect French restaurant in Manhattan.”

“And so you decided to break out of your confinement and show up at the Academy in a flashy sports car?”

He shrugged. “I thought it would be a more inconspicuous way of traveling.”

“Inconspicuous? Really? As compared to what?”

He raised a silvery eyebrow. “Flapping my dark wings?”

“Where are you going with my sister?” Ty demanded with a frown as he marched towards them, his voice louder than usual, probably due to the headphones covering his ears.

“Manhattan. For dinner.”

“It’s not safe,” he said, then glanced at the vehicle. “Is that an Aston Martin DB9 GT Volante?”

“What’s not safe?” Ash asked. “My company? The car? The whole idea of a crazy night out?”

“All of the above,” Ty answered, his gray eyes like saucers, still fixed on the car.

“Oh, so now you care about where I go and who I am with?” Dru intervened.

Ty’s gaze snapped back to her, and his eyes crinkled in confusion.

“Of course I do. Why do you ask? Wait- Are you… angry with me?”

“Of course I am! I had to find out you were at the Academy by eavesdropping on fellow students!” She was grateful the music was loud and the observers far enough that they could not overhear their conversation.

Ty’s eyes widened and his jaw went slack. “But... But I wasn’t sure I was coming until this morning. I didn’t want to tell you before I was certain. I thought you would be happy to see me.”

“Yes, Ty, I am happy to see you. But I started at the Academy months ago, and you have only decided to show up today! We both know who convinced you, and it certainly wasn’t me.”

The look of hurt on Ty’s face almost made her regret her words. As if on cue, Kit suddenly appeared, coming from the opposite direction to where Ty was standing. Dru realized with a pang that they were purposefully avoiding being seen together and maintaining a safe distance between them.

“Hey guys, I think I missed the invitation to the party,” Kit said playfully, but Dru knew him and could sense that his heart wasn’t in it. He was just trying to ease the tension.

“You didn’t miss anything,” Dru replied sharply. “Ash and I were leaving.” Ty opened his mouth to object but she cut him. “And you, Ty, do not get to tell me what to do.”

“Where your safety is concerned, I do,” Ty snapped back, red starting to creep up his white neck. His hands were now fluttering at his sides.

“If you’re worried about her safety, Ty, why don’t you come with us?” Ash offered in peace. “You too, Kit. Raziel knows we all need to… let off steam.” He looked like he was holding in a laugh and Dru wondered whether she was missing a private joke.

Ty’s gaze flickered to Kit then, and their eyes met for a brief second before they both hastily looked away. They were clearly blushing now, Ty nervously stroking his heron pendant and Kit thrusting his hands in his pockets and staring at his feet.

“I can’t,” Kit said, kicking a pebble. “I have to stay here where I am protected. Catarina and my parents will kill me if they know I left the Academy’s grounds.”

Ash raised an eyebrow. “Tell me, Kit. Who would you rather have as bodyguards? Me and the badass Blackthorn siblings?” He said, gesturing at their little group. “Oooor… these frightened little squirrels posing as Academy students?” He pointed toward the crowd of students who were still gaping at him. And the car. But mostly at Ash.

“I guess you have a point,” Kit conceded.

“Okay,” Ty answered hesitantly, looking away.

“Then jump in, Angel warriors,” Ash said as he opened the door for Dru. She ignored it, and instead, grabbed the edge of the back door to jump inside and landed on the front passenger seat. “What? I have always wanted to do that!” She told him when he lifted his eyebrow at her. Ash laughed and shook his head as he rounded the car to take the driver’s seat. Kit and Ty crammed in the back - the space had definitely not been designed to hold two full-grown Shadowhunters - and immediately stared out the car, pointedly avoiding looking at each other.

Ash put the Aston Martin in gear, as the students parted to let them through. The engine's roar was deafening, almost drowning the sound of the music still blasting from the sound system. Dru felt exhilarated, gusts of wind carrying away all her resentment and worries as they blew her hair. Everything was perfect… save perhaps for one thing.

“Ash,” she called over the noise. “Can you turn the music down?”

He threw her a puzzled look, his hands tightening on the wheel.

“Why? I thought you’d like it. We are in New York after all.”

“It’s not my hometown,” she observed, winking at him.

He grinned as he fiddled with the dashboard and suddenly 2 PAC's "California Love" was booming full volume.

“Better?” He asked.

Her answering smile was so wide it almost hurt her cheeks.

“Not just better. Perfect.”

[thethistlegirl]

It’s horrible, I feel like a kid in a 🍭 store, Cornelian choice : 🏹 for Ronin 💔 for John 🔬 for Mac in what if I fall 🍄 your Mac in Wunderkid And you, what would you choose, because it’s not you’re « only » the writer that you don’t have to choose what you like or would like to write/read 🥰

This is SO late, but I hope the length makes up for it!

🏹 used for target practice for Robin (For clarification this is pre-novel when Robin is still with the agency that trapped him in a contract and the team who was using name magic to control him)"Staking a vamp isn't as simple as it looks on TV," Michaels says. Robin watches the man lay out a series of stakes on the table in front of the new cadets. "Okay, choose your weapon."The cadets by and large reach for the stake that most closely resembles the classic horror movie weapon, a rounded stick with a pointed end."And, you're dead," Riverdon says dispassionately. "That's an antiquated weapon that's as unreliable as a flintlock. Welcome back to the dark ages of hunting, everyone."Most of the cadets appear shamed into silence."She's right," Michaels says. "This kind of stake is almost never used in the field. It's only viable if your vamp is already so incapacitated they're not moving." He sets aside the handful of round stakes. "Basically, this is the kind of thing you tend to see most when you're taking it off vigilante hunters. In a pinch, if you've run out of standard issue weapons, making something like this might be a trick to fall back on, but I wouldn't recommend it."Riverdon picks up a long, flat stake. "You probably won't see this one a lot either, since it's never used outside of legal executions." She bends it forcefully, and the wood cracks. "It's narrow so that it slides between the ribs and offers virtually instant death, but it's also fairly fragile. Impractical for field work.""This," Michaels says, gesturing to a small pile of the third and final type, "Is the field stake." Robin is quite familiar with that kind, he's made plenty of his own. The stake starts out with a long diamond cross-section, but every hunter shaves theirs down to fit their own hand. Generally, the grip area is smoothed but with a wide section at the very end so that the hand won't slide off the end of the stake, the tip area is shaved narrow, and the middle of the stake has the wider-angled parts of the diamond shape sliced down. The result is a stronger stake that is still capable of penetrating between the ribs. "Knowing what stake to use is only half the battle," Michaels adds. "Since a vampire can only be truly killed by a penetrating stab to the heart, you need to know exactly where and how to strike, so that the stake bypasses the ribs and enters the heart." He glances at the assembled class, then at Robin. "There's no way to accurately learn the feel of this on a training dummy. You'll use them to test the force and pressure you'll need to use, and learn the location of the ribs, but for learning to hit the right areas of the body on a moving target, you'll need a moving target."Robin can tell some of the cadets are getting uncomfortable, knowing where this is going. But most of them look totally unfazed. "Who's first?" Michaels asks, and a burly looking guy steps up, picking up one of the stakes. "Alright, a vamp is coming at you, what are you gonna do?" Robin knows what this means. He fakes a lunge at the cadet, who sidesteps his movement and then digs the stake in under Robin's outstretched arm. Robin winces as the point of the stake jabs into his side. That was a hard blow. He can feel the broken skin, the faint trickle of blood starting to slip down his ribs. He bites his lip and glamours the evidence. There's still an hour left of this class. And causing trouble will mean a punishment so much worse than a few more overzealous cadets' stakes. 💔 broken promise for John He said he was never gonna use the kid's true-name. He'd promised the kid, he'd promised himself. And now here he was holding Robin's limp body in his arms, the true-name stinging on his lips like poison.He tries to tell himself that it was the only way. That if he hadn't taken control, he'd have had to kill Robin, and he couldn't do that. Couldn't hurt the kid even as his hands closed around John's throat. It wasn't Robin trying to kill him, but it would have been Robin who died when John slammed a stake into his chest. And he couldn't do that. Not when there was another way. That doesn't change the fact that the last thing he promised the kid before he was taken is the first thing John has done to him since they found him. He doesn't know all of Robin's history, but he knows enough. And using his true-name...well, he'll be lucky if Robin ever wants to look at him again. Still, the kid will be alive for that to be an option. He carries Robin out to the waiting medics. The kid is so light and fragile, he feels like he could shatter if John handles him too harshly. How he didn't see that the kid's heart is as fragile as his body John doesn't know. How he managed to ruin everything with careless words.Although nothing about today has been careless. John may not have known what he was doing when he turned Robin's true-name into a joke months ago in Maira's office, but he knew all too well what he was doing today. And he knew that if he lost the kid's trust forever, it was better than taking his life.So why does he feel like using Robin's name tore out a piece of his OWN soul?🔬 lab rat for Mac in what if I fall He shivers, wrapping his wings around his shoulders. If he's caught, things will be BAD, but he's just so cold. And then the door slams open. Doctor James stalks in, his coat billowing around him like his own set of wings. Mac jumps and folds his own behind him, hoping James hadn't seen."We are on a DEADLINE." James strides up to the head night scientist and grabs the collar of his coat. "WHY do I not have the subject's test results?""We...didn't run the tests. The subject is sick. Not functioning at optimal capacity. I didn't think you'd want to take those reports to the board.""Well, I have to take them something. How fast can you turn them around?" Doctor James asks."A few hours, if I push the night staff.""Get him out and do the tests now. Have them on my desk by morning." James turns to the cage where Mac is huddled, shivering and sniffling. "And stop playing with your wings. Those are tools. Not security blankets." Mac struggles to his feet when the cage door opens and he's pulled out. His whole body feels stiff and shaky. He's not sure he can stand, let alone fly. But if he fails, he'll be sent to the Basement. And no one comes back from there. He flexes the muscles in his wings, trying to warm them up. He can't fail. He can't. 🍄 poisoned for your Mac in Wunderkind Mac sets down his drink after a small sip. These fancy parties always have the worst tasting things. Mac guesses they're supposed to be for cultured, refined tastes. He'd take a beer by the fire with his teammates over this stuff any day. He hopes their target won't be too concerned about his lack of enthusiasm for the beverages. After all, the guy's here to buy a set of classified documents from someone he thinks is an agency sellout. He tries not to jump when a voice comes from his elbow. "Enjoying the party?"Damn it he really hates being snuck up on. He disguises his moment of panic before turning around. "I'd enjoy it a lot more if I had some cash to spread around and impress some of those lovely ladies." He makes a pointed nod in the direction of the bar. Riley turns around with a drink in her hand and waves. Pretending to flirt with her has never gotten any less weird. Especially not now that she's his actual sister. At least she's pretty cool with it. "You have the documents?""You have the cash?" Mac says, turning around. Or trying to. The room kind of feels like it's spinning. "Actually I have something better." The man's voice sounds like it's coming through a tunnel, and Mac frowns. "The antidote to the poison you just ingested." The drink. Damn it. Mac stumbles, leaning heavily on the stair railing to keep himself upright. Is it just the shock, or does this poison really work this fast?"See, I need a little insurance policy. I have someone who is going to verify that these codes are genuine. If he does, then you get the antidote. If he tells me you're setting me up...well, then, you won't live long enough for your little plan to succeed." Mac grits his teeth, reaching into his pocket for the papers. He knows his team heard all of that. Now he just has to hope they find a way to fix this before it's too late. And you, what would you choose... ⛈ bad weather for Riley in Pre-series WunderkindJack wakes up to the sound of rain on the roof, the crash of thunder shaking the ranch house, and the sounds of soft muttering from the room next door.He long ago stopped being able to sleep through the sounds of storms. He's learning not to be able to sleep through the sounds of his partner in distress. He crawls out of bed, grabbing his jacket from the chair beside it, and steps carefully across the hall. Momma's probably still asleep, no reason to wake her.

He knocks on the door. Startling agents, especially ones who are probably either in a nightmare or waking up, is a bad plan. Riley might only be as big as a soaked kitten, but she's got some scrappy fighter in her, and even with one shoulder out of commission she's not someone he wants to tangle with. 

"Who is it?" The voice is shaky and a little wet.

"Jack. Can I come in?"

"Okay." 

He pushes open the door and steps inside. Lightning flashes, showing the room in sharp blue and white relief. Riley is huddled at the end of her bed furthest from the window, blanket pulled up over her head. He can see the white of her sling and the shimmer in her eyes.

"Can't sleep either, huh?" He's pretty sure he knows what she's reliving. The bomb blast that threw her across a Venezuelan street...and killed two families in an apartment building. The first time Riley's been up close and personal for the casualties of an op gone wrong. 

She shakes her head. "It's really loud."

"Yeah, this old house is anything but soundproof," Jack says. "You know what I do when I need to drown it out?"

"N-no..."

Jack grins. Another gullible one. He sits down on the bed and breaks directly into the first of the Metallica songs he knows by heart. He knows he can drown out the thunder. 

There will be time to talk about the trauma. About the damage and the scars this job leaves in its wake. About how Riley is going to have to learn to live with the body count on ops sometimes. About how to move forward.But for now, he just has to make things a little better, get her out of the bad place in her head, because that's no place to be for the kind of serious conversations they need eventually. And from the way Riley is shaking her head at him and his singing, he's succeeding. Just a little. And that's okay. 

[badbookreviewclub]

Empress Theresa, Chapters 11-20

Disclaimer: This contains spoilers. If you haven’t read the previous post you can find Chapters 5-10 here. 

Yay! After a while, the next Review of Empress Theresa is finally here! I hope that you all enjoy because I sure as fuck didn’t. These chapters have some pretty fucked up logic, and Theresa does some pretty fucked up things (nothing worth a trigger warning). As such, I plan on having this review of these chapters be a bit more well researched than other chapters solely because I’m bored in quarantine, having gotten my assignments for my classes done early and I feel like fucking Norman Boutin’s logic up. This is the second to last review I’ll be posting for Empress Theresa (aside from a possible final one with a wrap up of feelings and thoughts I wasn’t able to express in these reviews). Like I’ve mentioned before I’ve got a few other books in the line-up to read and get through afterward. I doubt I’ll be doing much more in this style (considering how bizarrely long Empress Theresa is), though I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Remember, if you have any books you want me to review, shoot me a message! I’ll look into them as soon as I can or let you know if that one is already on the shelf and waiting! But enough procrastinating, on with the chapters!

Chapter 11 

Despite the fact that last chapter, Theresa went on a week-long vacation to France and Ireland (which if I remember right, I grew very heated about), this chapter it has been nearly a month since that trip and Theresa is already growing “depressed” from the “oppressive work” she’s being “forced to do”. So she takes another trip, this time by herself. She heads to a small village and basically parties with the people there. After the party, she heads back to start working and we finally learn what Theresa’s code is. It’s a substitution code, basically. Now I’m not good at code, I’ve never taken any training in it, but I’ve been told that it’s a substitution code. “The code was triplets made of three characters: AB2, AB3, AB4, CAA, DBB, and so on. Only I knew the code. It couldn’t be broken by all the intelligence agencies in the world because they represented actions and locations, not words. Besides that, I threw in some useless dummy parameters to confuse anybody looking over my shoulder. To pound the final nail in the coffin, I randomly surrounded the parameter codes with tiny circles, squares, rectangles, and arrows that meant nothing” (pg 189). Now I may not know how to break code myself, but that sounds like it would be pretty fucking easy to break into anyways. Aside from that, we learn that Theresa is basically just going to end up using a chessboard or wire twisted and pinned to pieces of plywood to ‘target’ or ‘tag’ things so HAL can follow them. I’m still not quite sure how that works, but I guess HAL can really only work with three dimensions, so it works with this three-dimensional code and applies it to something? Fuck if I know. But to test HAL’s abilities she raises a pointless 10-foot-wide column of water off the Gloucester coast. It went up at 200 miles an hour, which is 3 miles a minute (which is pretty fucking fast, I would think). You’d think this would displace a lot of water, but I guess not. She repeats the same thing in the Pacific ocean but with six water columns, and instead of ten, they’re one hundred feet wide. In 45 minutes they reached 150 miles (which is still 3 miles a minute, so at least Norman is consistent on that front). And then, at 150 miles in thE FUCKING AIR SHE JUST LETS THE SHIT AT THE TOP FREE FALL. Apparently, the impact of the atmosphere just turns that shit into steam. 

Steve suggests that he should go to the UN to give the program that Theresa is working off of (I think), to quell the world’s fears and anxiety. Theresa agrees but only because “This might have been a little grandstanding on Steve’s part, but that was forgivable. This could be his last chance to hold the spotlight” (pg 194). Theresa constantly says that she doesn’t want to hold the spotlight, yet she constantly brings up that nobody will get the spotlight but her, and she never seems upset about it. Even later on, when someone in parliament stands up to question her, she gets pissed off because they took the spotlight from her. They spoke out against her and she becomes a toddler and throws a big fucking fit about it. Theresa says she doesn’t want to be in the spotlight and that she doesn’t like it, but her actions sure as fuck don’t show that. Chapter 12 

North Korea is launching a missile at the water towers. For what purpose? I don’t fucking know. It says later on in the chapter that by doing this they think that they’re destroying HAL, and as such, will economically destroy everyone when the huge tsunamis hit the coastlines. I don’t know how they know that Theresa is sending HAL out there to control the water columns, but I guess she is? The problem is she’s not sending all of HAL out to control the column. She can still do other shit with it, so I have no idea what the logic is in this chapter. She’s also controlling his actions with a chessboard because I guess the plywood and metal wire was boring as shit. We also learn that everybody is fucking terrified of Theresa. “In other words, everybody was afraid of what I would do next” (pg 202). Which is followed shortly by, “Don’t piss me off!” (pg 202). Theresa clearly enjoys that people are scared of her. She gets a kick out of it because it puts her as the one in control and nobody can do jack shit about it. The entire world is terrified of her, and for some reason, Theresa loves that. Theresa is a fucking monster, and that point will only be proven even more later on! Nobody knows what Theresa will do next, because she was going to raise the water columns up in the thousands around the world, but she can’t do that anymore. So instead, she clears out a giant fucking area in the North Pole, and she’s going to raise up water columns there. The first thing she does is create splash barriers so tsunamis can’t come out and kill everybody, and I guess those work just fine. Theresa is able to easily raise these splash barriers because “The Arctic Ocean was only half a mile deep which made this piling up of rock easier for me to do then it would be in the three mile deep Atlantic” (pg 204). First of all, this is really wrong. It takes a really quick and easy Google search to realize that the Arctic isn’t necessarily half a mile deep. At its deepest, it’s 3.4 miles. Sure, where Theresa could be doing this, it may only be half a mile deep, but that would be fucking stupid and wouldn’t give her nearly enough water for what she plans to do. At the Atlantic, at its deepest, is 5.3 miles. Once again, a quick and easy Google search proves Norman wrong. 

But, besides this faulty logic, we get even more bad logic. Theresa raises four water columns in the North Pole at 1,000 feet each. For reference, the International Space Station on most given days is only ~250 miles from the Earth’s surface. I know 1,000 miles seems really impressive, but it’s just really impractical. The water (now ice) would be so far out of the influence of earth’s gravitational pull that it would just orbit around the Earth, not come crashing back down. Please, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong about this. I’m just a history major, not a physics major. 

Chapter 13 Theresa uses a chessboard to raise up 56 columns of water in the North Pole. Because of the amount of water that’s rising up (5,012 miles exactly) which you know, goes out nearly as far and further than most satellites. Space technically starts at 62 miles above the earth’s surface (average sea level, I think), so Theresa has giant fucking columns so far from earth that there is no way in fuck that they’ll be able to fall back down to earth (source). Yet somehow, these columns can still come crashing down and throw water back into the atmosphere which causes it to rain. And when the water comes crashing back down to earth, it’s akin to “eight million tons of TNT every second” (pg 213). So you know, Theresa has just effectively ruined the North Pole forever and ever and ever. The largest atomic bomb ever detonated by the United States, Castle/Bravo, let off the energy force of about 15 tons of tnt. This was a singular explosion, Theresa’s explosions are happening every. Single. second. (source)

But aside from this devastation to a really important ecosystem on Earth, it created rain. Nearly 100 inches a year, everywhere, for as long as the water columns are active. Theresa has flooded the earth. The earth’s average rainfall is about 39 inches a year (source). There are obvious exceptions, like the Amazon Rainforest, which can get 100-200 inches of rain per year, depending on the area (source). This means the entire world is essentially going to drown because of how much rain Theresa just gave them. Wait to go, Theresa, you just “saved” everyone. 

Oh but that isn’t it, to put a sweet little cherry on top, Theresa decides that she needs to tilt the earth so it’s straight up and down and the earth no longer has a tilt to it. This effectively rids the world of seasons, making it summer all year round so people can grow crops all year round (hint: you really can’t do that). There are plenty of crops that grow in summer, but Theresa effectively wiped out all seasonal crops, so way to fucking go, Theresa. Not to mention that because there will be no more snow or winter because she doesn’t think we need it, there goes the entire industry having to do with skiing and snowboarding. There also goes most places supplies of water. In the region that I live, we rely really heavily on having enough snow during the winter times so that when spring comes around and the snow starts to melt off of the mountains it will run down and our reservoirs will be filled again. Then we don’t have to be concerned about not having enough water for the summer and fall months. There are also areas in my state where it’s harder to get water to, so people have to put out basins on their property to collect snow so it melts and they have enough to water crops, yards, and sometimes, even just so their water bills don’t absolutely skyrocket. So thanks for sending people into poverty too, Theresa. Oh wait? She doesn’t care? She donates a tiny portion of her trillions later on to the world poor fund as we learn later on. How generous and benevolent of you Theresa. However shall we repay this debt that we owe you? 

Chapter 14

In this world, rather than Theresa having killed off the entire population of the earth, she just saved everyone. How wonderful and heroic of her. Everyone is celebrating her and who she is. Norman decided that it was absolutely important to add into just how the Chinese were celebrating her too, “They were holding my photograph in their hands and yelling Tah-ee-sah! Tah-ee-sah!” (pg 219). I don’t know about you all, but that seems pretty racist to me because Norman had to specifically include that. He didn’t talk about how everyone was chanting her name, nor point out how it was being pronounced. He specifically did this with China. 

Anyways, besides supposedly being in hiding and nobody being able to find her, she has to leave the Parker estate because they expect half a million people to visit the house by the day’s end and can’t have her there. So you know, guess she wasn’t all that well in hiding. Because she leaves though, Theresa decides that she needs to go to Parliament to talk and put her two cents out there. We also find out that she’s not a public speaker in the most brilliant way, “‘I’m not a public speaker. I never wanted to be. I’m talking to the media and the people on the street. Excuse this little piece of paper. It reminds me of the points I’ve been thinking of a long time’” (pg 222). Does this remind anyone of the familiar little phrase ‘Show don’t tell’? There are better ways to introduce that she’s not a public speaker, like stuttering over herself, fidgeting, not looking at the audience, mumbling and then speaking too loud. The microphone could peak because she’s not used to using one, she could knock something over out of nervousness. We could see her fidgeting with the notecard. Norman doesn’t do any of this because he has no idea how to show and not tell us exactly what’s going on.

Nonetheless, she continues on with a long and boring speech just saying that she doesn’t want to be mobbed in public. Someone in the House stands up though and asks why she’s there, which is a perfectly reasonable question. Theresa doesn’t see it this way, however. “I could single him out because he had stood up when he said that. I suppose it was a House rule. I stared at him with no attempt to hide my contempt. How dare he interrupt me! In answer to his own question, why had he spoken if not to attract attention to himself? This hypocrisy had to become plain to everyone as I stared his political career into oblivion. “‘You interrupted me” I said. “Nobody interrupts me. I don’t need you’” (pg 223). I thought you didn’t want attention, Theresa? I thought you just wanted to be treated like everyone else? I thought you weren’t special. Not to mention she says it’s hypocritical. The man did absolutely nothing to be hypocritical. Theresa is so unaware that it’s painful and it makes me angry. She follows this up by claiming that there’s a new sheriff in town (hint: it’s her). Yet she continues with the notion that she doesn’t want attention. :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): I fucking hate this book

We find out what happened to Jan. Apparently despite the fact that she could say she was working with the government, she’s been unemployed because the ‘eight-year gap’ in her resume made her unemployable. This is just bullshit. She obviously worked for the government, there are records of her working for the government, she had a supervisor. Not to mention, an eight-year gap doesn’t make someone unemployable. I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t. But Theresa sends a message out on the ‘All Theresa All the Time’ channel to let Jan know that she’s not angry at her and wants to meet with her. So you know, Despite the fact that there’s a channel dedicated to her on TV, one that she obviously uses, she definitely doesn’t want the attention and wants to be treated like a normal person. Definitely. Fuck you Theresa. 

Chapter 15 

I had to walk away and watch YouTube for a few hours but I’m back, and somewhat more relaxed again. So let’s get started on chapter 15. Essentially because of thermal expansion, because Theresa fucked up the entire earth and its tilt, they expect that the oceans will rise two or three feet in a year. Norman also says that parts of the ocean are 3 miles deep, as if that’s the deepest part of the ocean, but the deepest parts of the ocean are 7 miles (Challengers Deep, the deepest part of the ocean, is ~7 miles down) (sorry for saying ‘deep’ and ‘deepest’ so much). The solution? Lift a lot of cubic miles of water out of the oceans and yeet them out of the earth never to return. Brilliant. Because of all the rain they have to find protective headgear as well so they don’t get soaked. Theresa and Co. (Steve and Prime Minister Blair) get traditional American Firefighter helmets. These are such a slam hit to see everyone wearing that companies start making fake knock-offs so people can be like Theresa. They also decide to travel around the world to take a break. Their break is so rudely interrupted because the wind is slowly returning, and that will cause massive and destructive hurricanes that the world just can’t afford to deal with. We also find out that the earth hasn’t completely lost its declination. It’s 5 degrees now, which you know, is so much better than 0. Theresa is such an amazing person though for not wanting to right the word again because the Asians can’t afford to go through winter, and if they went through winter they would lose half a billion people. Because you know, it isn’t like all of this isn’t her fault in the first place and this whole thing could have been avoided if Theresa hadn’t cherry-picked problems to solve in the first place. 

Chapter 16

Theresa spends the whole night crying. I’m so sad for her :(:(:(:(:(:(::) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) Steve decides to fix this. And the way he fixes this? They need to go and grab elements from the sun and bring them down to earth to stop the hurricanes. The elements that they grab? Xenon, and per the request of the British military, helium. After a month of attempting this, Xenon now accounts for two ounces of atmospheric pressure. Xenon is an inert noble gas that’s traditionally used in lighting. Xenon is also classified as an asphyxiant. Inhalation in excessive conditions can cause dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and loss of consciousness. “The first symptoms produced by a simple asphyxiant are rapid respirations and air hunger. Mental alertness is diminished and muscular coordination is impaired. Later judgment becomes faulty and all sensations are depressed. Emotional instability often results and fatigue occurs rapidly. As the asphyxia progresses, there may be nausea and vomiting, prostration and loss of consciousness, and finally convulsions, deep coma and death” (source). A concentration of 75% Xenon inhaled can be fatal in minutes. All Theresa is using it for is to cool the air because xenon has a cooling effect on the environment. However, in the process, she is also killing all the asthmatics and people with other respiratory conditions. Congratulations, Theresa. She’s probably killing more people than that too, because she’s putting a fuck ton of helium into the atmosphere and air. The atmosphere, after a month, became 10% helium. It’s true that at the current time, we are having a helium shortage, but considering that Norman claims this is a million times what our current atmosphere’s helium content is, that seems like it’s a terrible idea. An increase in the helium in our atmosphere increases the atmospheric pressure. This isn’t a terrible thing and not everybody dies, but asthmatics and people with other respiratory issues are sure as fuck going to have a terrible time. 

She also fucks up the gravity of the entire solar system by taking Europa, one of Jupiter’s moons, and making it orbit around Mars. Do I even need to explain why this is a bad idea? Why fucking up the gravitational orbit of the solar system is the absolute worst idea I have ever fucking seen? 

Then she goes and crashes the entire economy and puts the world into a global depression by flooding the market with gold and silver. They claim it’s a monetary stabilizer, and sure, it is, if you want your money to be stabilized at like .02. This has absolutely no consequence on anything or anyone in Theresa land though, which is fucking stupid and so unrealistic. Norman tries to paint this book like it’s realistic and something that people could actually work with, but you really can’t. At the disclaimer at the very end of the book, the only thing that he says isn’t realistic is the way that President Martin acted (wanting to blow up Theresa).  Anyways, Theresa hires Jan as her financial manager (because that makes sense, and Jan definitely has experience with finances [she doesn’t]). And the chapter is ended off with “I wonder what my old BC boyfriend Jack Koster was thinking of all this!” (pg 253). Was all of this just to get back at Jack? What the fuck Theresa? Why? I thought you were happily married to Steve? So why the fuck are you thinking of Jack? I’m so confused. Chapter 17 

God I am so fucking close to being finished with this review and then I can finish the fucking book, write the final review, and be out and never think of this fucking book again. This chapter though, oh god this chapter is something else. Theresa is a horrible human being in this chapter and honestly is akin to a monster in this chapter. So all of the people who held stocks in Gold Bullion have just lost all of their money thanks to Theresa (see, she has sent people into poverty, wiping out their retirement funds, college funds for their kids, et...c). As such, they’re filing a class-action lawsuit against Theresa, headed by Connie McKesson. Reasonable, right? They’re asking for 35 billion dollars in damages which I guess is far less from what she’ll get in her gold sales. Someone claims that Theresa may spend most of her life in courts (which makes sense). 

Theresa gets pissed at Steve because the idea to get the gold was his idea so she storms upstairs and leaves him downstairs. Mrs. Parker comes up and reassures Theresa that nobody is to blame when couples have problems, “The world is to blame” (page 256). So now she makes up with Steve. Despite that Norman claiming that there’s no swearing in the book, Steve says “We’ll get this lawyer bitch” (page 257). Even though Connie is just doing her job, Steve and Theresa come after her without relent. They find out where she is and stalk her. HAL targets and tags Connie, and they follow her home from her workplace. She lives in a single-family home, and apparently this is something that’s funny to Steve and Theresa, like it’s a bad thing. They confirm that Connie has two little children and yet they’re still absolutely awful and mean to her. Despite the fact that she’s just trying to do her job, and earlier they stated that the people who were filing the suit would just go to another law firm, Theresa still goes after Connie. “Any vehicle she entered would not move. I wasn’t going to allow her to go anywhere except on foot” (page 261). She does this for the other eight (male) lawyers in Connie’s firm as well. Apparently, this is somehow better because “The crybaby media couldn’t say I was making it hard for mommies to take care of their kids as they said about Connie McKesson” (page 262). More than that, I don’t think Norman thought about single fathers or families who rely on the men to be the primary breadwinner in the household. This is 2020, yes, but there are still plenty of families where men are the primary breadwinners. She’s keeping people from being able to go to their jobs, to make money, to support their families. She’s forcing them to do whatever the fuck she wants because she’s mad that they have to do their jobs. 

And if they had a medical emergency, Theresa would have to look them over to confirm that they weren’t buffing, otherwise they couldn’t go anywhere at all unless it was on foot. However, you can’t always know someone has a medical emergency just from first glance (e.g. like an exploding appendix). It’s cruel and disheartening. What if one of their children had a medical emergency? What then? What if they needed to get across town quickly because a family member was in an accident or had an emergency? Theresa said she wouldn’t let them take any transport aside from walking unless she deemed that they could. And nobody can do jack shit about this. Why? Because although everybody knows it’s her, there’s no physical evidence that it is. “So! I could do anything I wanted to anybody and nobody would dare do anything about it! I kind of liked that” (pg 262). How horrible is Theresa? She can do whatever the fuck she wants, she can ruin peoples lives, crash economies, kill people, and so long as she does it with HAL, nobody can do shit against her. Not to mention all of this was so unnecessary. Everybody knew that Theresa would win the suit anyway, so why the fuck did she feel the need to go to all this effort? Why the fuck would she be willing to ruin their lives until they dropped the suit? It’s cruel and it’s inhumane. When they finally drop the lawsuit she lets them go so they could finally travel in ways other than via foot. “Don’t mess around with Empress Theresa” (pg 263). 

They decide that they can use this grounding trick with terrorists too. Because you know, not being able to use a vehicle will definitely stop a terrorist. Definitely. But in Theresa-land it will. Though by targeting these terrorists with the grounding trick (despite a million better ways that she could target terrorists with HAL), she apparently is setting a target on her back, but she’s going through with it anyways. We get another line that absolutely proves just how horrible of a person I think Theresa is and how little empathy she has, more specifically, how little empathy or care I think Norman Boutin has. “The Parkers made no effort to hide their disappointment. Their darling Theresa was more important to them than nameless bombing victims” (pg 265).  What if it was your family? Your mother, your brother, your sister, your father, your cousin, your aunt, your uncle, your grandparent? What if it was your friend? Your best friend? What if it was you? Just because you don’t know them doesn’t mean that other people didn’t. For someone that was their family member. That was their friend, their best friend. That wasn’t just a nameless bombing victim. That was a person.

Chapter 18

Once again I had to get up and walk away and do something else for a little bit. But I’m back now and somewhat more ready to keep writing, so let’s just keep trudging on, I guess. 

The news is filled with stories of terrorists being grounded, Theresa brags about how she could have killed the lawyers if she wanted to. The US decides to mint silver coins with Theresa’s face on them because she’s just that fucking important. One again she brings up Jack, which is completely and utterly pointless. I don’t know at this point if she’s still in love with Jack or if she loves Steve because she brings up Jack so fucking often it seems. 

We meet the main bad guy of the next few chapters, I guess. OPEC, or the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries. And rather than delving into this, Theresa just fucking moving on and straight to meeting President Stinson, the new president of the United States for the first time. Theresa brings Prime Minister Blair along as a representative for the rest of the world (because the Prime Minister of England can totally do that). All they talk about though is OPEC, and apparently how OPEC thinks that “they can make you cave in and turn you into a slave. That will give them the power they always wanted” (pg 272). I’m still not really sure where this came out of considering that OPEC held absolutely no role before and Theresa had never shown an interest in petroleum. Now, however, I guess she does. I guess it’s because she’s going to bring carbon into the atmosphere to try and beat them (she never does as far as I’ve read in the book). I guess they quickly scrap that idea though because now Theresa is going to bring land up to the surface so they can have an entire petroleum mining business from the ocean floor. It would be hers though because you know, it’s not like another country would be able to lay claim to it, but whatever. 

President Stinson also goes to Congress so they can make it so Theresa can’t be sued because she definitely needs that power too and fuck you, you can’t lay a single fucking finger on our perfect little Theresa. 

OPEC and Theresa have had like 0 contact up until this point, but they come out on TV with their demands “We seek justice on the world stage. If it is not given to us we will take it. We demand the operation known as grounding to be removed from all freedom fighters [terrorists, according to Theresa]…. We demand that Theresa Hartley put ten billion dollars every month into a fund for the world’s poor. We demand the land known to the West as Israel be returned to the people who lived there before 1947. If these demands are not met we will sell no oil to the United States or the European Union” (pg 276). Yeah, so turns out, Theresa wasn’t even fucking donating to the world’s poor all along, let alone out of her own volition. We’ve learned at this point that she has fucking trillions in the bank and yet she can’t be fucked to donate to people. The money is still rolling in for her and yet she can’t donate to anyone. Also, OPEC isn’t associated with terrorists as far as I know? If I’m wrong please correct me, but it seems more like the terrorists attack OPEC more than not. 

But apparently these demands are too outrageous for Theresa and send her to tears. Despite the fact that you know, apparently none of this was a problem before (especially on the oil part). But we’re supposed to pity Theresa here. I’ll let you in on a secret, I really don’t pity Theresa. In fact, I really hate her guts and I hope those assassins do finally come after her and kill her :) Theresa moves on anyways, not willing to give into OPEC’s demands and picks a rectangle near the arctic where she’s going to pull up a bunch of land to mine for petroleum on. She doesn’t do that just yet though because she has to go and meet with Prime Minister Scherzer (the prime minister of Israel). She gives him two options, Plan A is that they move the entire fucking country of Israel and stick it smack damn in the Mediterranean between Italy and Greece. Prime Minister Scherzer doesn’t like this so they move on to Plan B, where Theresa just raises an entire island for them all to live on. Originally it was going to the in the shape of the Star of David, though Sherzer points out this is kind of unconventional, so he changes it and it’s really fucking complicated and basically a bunch of islands with harbors to protect it. Theresa also agrees that she can just move Jerusalem to the island without a fucking hassle.  

Then we come back to the island that Theresa is raising to mine petroleum from and to sell at $20 a barrel, which is anywhere from ~4-10 dollars below the general crude price of oil as of today (4/7/2020) (source) And because they’re still worried about assassins, this time coming after the Israeli people while they’re moving across the land bridge that Theresa will be making as a temporary way to get to the island she’s creating for them, Theresa decides that the best way to avoid it is to make 24-hour sunlight. Fucking Wonderful. That definitely won’t fuck shit up. 

Chapter 19 

I am so fucking close. I just want to be done. I fucking hate Theresa so much. I hate this stupid fucking book and its terrible logic. Theresa basically starts blowing up an area where she wants to raise the ground to make her giant oil mining operation and predicably the world freaks the fuck out. Theresa blows the hole so deep in the ocean that it should be in the earth’s mantle, but somehow it fucking isn’t. Oh well, I guess. Theresa also just decides in this chapter that she’s fine being a god among men. “How quickly people forgot my benevolence when fear took control of them!” (pg 292). “It wouldn’t do to have the World Empress blow her top” (pg 293). She also seems to forget everything that she’s done to attack the lawyers who were just trying to do their job by refusing to let them go anywhere unless it was by foot, “I’m still waiting for an apology for the attempt on my life, but I haven’t done anything to anybody, have I?” (pg 293). 

People are pretty upset she’s just ripping up the ocean and the ground and not telling anybody about what she’s doing, which is understandable. England sets up tanks and Gatling guns (for the drones) and soldiers with rifles to shoot anyone who gets close because I guess people are just so upset about what Theresa is doing in the middle of the Arctic ocean. And the reason why she’s making this giant rectangle so deep is for the overflow of the ocean when she raises up that giant fucking piece of land so she can make companies mine oil for her. Theresa also brings a fuck ton of carbon to earth and compresses it into diamonds so she can make a giant diamond ring that will reflect the sunlight and give the earth 24-hour sun. Apparently, people are super fucking pumped about this. That honestly just sounds like hell to me. I can’t even be bothered right now to research why that’s a terrible fucking idea and would throw so many people and things off and would just ruin everything. 

Chapter 20

Theresa has to meet with ‘a Saudia Arabian’ instead of OPEC, which she’s pretty fucking upset about. “It didn’t matter to me what his name was. And to be honest, what he had to say didn’t matter much to me either unless he was prepared to give up all his demands” (pg 313). So this man is a representative of OPEC, but apparently that’s still not good enough for Theresa because she’s a childish brat who needs to have whatever the fuck she wants or else the rest of the world is going to suffer for it. Way to write a super relatable and lovable character, Norman. Anyways, Theresa meets with this man in Geneva, Switzerland, where they have a Swiss representative for the government or military, or something, there. Not to be a mediator or anything, but just to throw herself in the way in case they start throwing knives because that’s definitely going to happen. Anyways, Theresa basically says if they drop their demands she’ll make all the countries in the middle east more like Europe, with mountains and rain and forest and without the deserts. So essentially, Theresa is willing to destroy an entire VERY IMPORTANT ECOSYSTEM. All just so she doesn’t have to deal with OPEC anymore. Wonderful. Fucking. Wonderful. And we’re supposed to believe that Theresa isn’t a horrible person? Anyways, after the meeting where nothing is resolved or agreed on, Theresa, I guess, has already lifted the island for the Israeli people. She starts making the landbridge so they can get to it, which you know, is fuckin mint. She then sends up her diamond ring to give the world 24-hour daylight, and people were super happy about it. Which is so fucking stupid and unrealistic. So much shit would get fucked up. 

Apparently crime rates drop because of it, which I have a hard time believe considering that a lot of crimes happen in daylight, specifically when people are at work (break-ins). 

And to end off the chapter, the Exxon Maria, the petroleum boat that’s carrying the petroleum from the mining operation happening on the island that Theresa was making blows the fuck up after a 55-foot long ‘fishing’ boat rams into it. 

This entire book is just… something else. And I hate it. Get fucked Theresa. Chapter 21-28 will be the last review for this book, and then I can move on with my life. I hate this book so much. So, so fucking much. It’s so terrible and you don’t even know it until you try and read it yourself. Until then, I hope that you enjoyed this review. 

[anneapocalypse]

Chorus Rewatch: Season 12: Story & Characters

Crossposted from dreamwidth. Back in March, I started a full rewatch of the Chorus Trilogy with the purpose of studying its worldbuilding more closely. This series of posts is from that rewatch.

Season 12 is one of those that always held up better on the rewatch than week-to-week. While undeniably enjoyable, episodically it comes off a bit repetitive before you can see the whole arc. I remember at the time having complaints to the tune of multiple episodes in the first half in which the Reds and Blues try to train their soldiers and fail, and multiple episodes in the back half in which they try to evade the pirates, get found, escape, and so forth.

But my biggest beef with season 12 the first time around was definitely how it treats Carolina. I’m not really going to get into that here, because much was said about it and Miles heard the disappointment and he very much rectified things in season 13, and I forgave him! And since then I have only looked more kindly on season 12, appreciating it more and more not just for what comes later, but for what it accomplishes in its own right.

There is so much to talk about in this season that I’m splitting it up—the worldbuilding stuff, which was my primary purpose for this rewatch, will be its own post. In this one, I’m just going to talk about character stuff and general storytelling observations.

I like the way the helmet cam is planted early in the New Republic portion of the season, and paid off at the end when Tucker uses it to outsmart Felix.

I will always remember @farfromdaylight’s theory about Dr. Grey being Control rather fondly, even though in the end I’m glad she turned out not to be, both because Hargrove was a fantastic villain and because the Fed side of things desperately needed some sympathetic characters. I notice how genuinely scared Dr. Grey seems when the pirates attack her base; she sounds equally terrified when the pirates catch up to them at the jungle temple in season 13. Given how rarely her cheerful demeanor breaks, this comes across as sincere.

Yet there is also an odd moment with Dr. Grey, and for me this moment really fed the theory about her being Control. When the mercs offer the Reds and Blues safe passage off the planet, Dr. Grey seems to believe them, and actually encourages the Reds and Blues to take the deal and go home. This seems particularly strange given that she’s witnessed the mercs’ brutality firsthand and seems genuinely afraid of them in other scenes. I still don’t really know what to make of that, or why she would believe the offer to be genuine, other than the fact that narratively it’s useful to have a Chorus character tell them it’s okay to leave so as to increase the impact when they choose to stay.

Dr. Grey also drops a couple of odd worldbuilding elements in dialogue that aren’t really corroborated anywhere else in the text and yet we have no reason to doubt her on them. But we’ll get to those in another post.

This is not quite a new observation, but I am convinced Doyle has never actually been in combat himself. He faints at the sight of a weapon pointed at him, and when he confronts Kimball in downtown Armonia he says, “Don’t make me use this!” and I’m pretty sure his hands shake. It speaks to not simply cowardice but a lack of experience; how that reflects on Doyle’s character honestly depends a lot on how long he’s been the General. If he’s been in the position for a long time, sending a lot of other people to fight and die, the fact that unlike Kimball he’s never seen combat himself just isn’t a cute look.

I think Miles did make a real effort to smooth over the weirdness of the season 10 epilogue, letting Carolina and Epsilon talk a bit about what motivated them to go off alone. It’s still rocky, and I still don’t totally think the epilogue holds up as canon, but I can much more clearly picture how it would happen—Carolina and Church searching the wreck of the Merope for supplies, spotting some pirates boosting cargo, picking up radio chatter about selling a cloaking device, and setting off to investigate. Maybe they don't intend to be gone long, and then one thing leads to another and they travel farther and farther from the crash site, and then when they try to radio back they can’t get through. I tend to think Carolina was not at all sure the others even wanted her around at that point. It’s still weird on both ends, both that Wash seems to know they ran off on purpose (and aren’t, you know, injured or dead) and that it doesn’t occur to Carolina that Wash might not know that. But you know. It helps. An effort was made.

I was always disappointed Carolina and Wash never really talked during the Chorus Trilogy. While I don’t primarily ship them romantically (I enjoy other people’s portrayals of the ship but it’s not one I’m drawn to write myself), their relationship is important to me, in fact one of my favorite relationships in RvB; if you look at my AO3 stats from a few posts back, Agent Carolina & Agent Washington sits just below my two OTPs as my third most commonly-used relationship tag. They are important to me, with their shared history, their sometimes rocky relationship and the understanding they eventually reach. And I’ll admit, I’m partial to seeing characters actually talk things out, especially characters who don’t often open up, as that makes it all the more meaningful.

However, as a long time Rooster Teeth fan I’ve come to recognize that in RT shows, action sequences often serve the same purpose that conversation would for showing character dynamics and relationship growth. “Great Destroyers” served that purpose for Wash and Carolina in season 13, and I’ve come to appreciate that for what it is. But I’ve also come to appreciate some of the small things in season 12 that show their bond. There is a moment, for example, when Epsilon is a massive dick, acts like everyone but him is the problem, and goes offline. Carolina wearily announces she’s going to go check the perimeter. And Wash? Immediately volunteers to go with her. They both sound tired and stressed out. We don’t see them go patrol together, and maybe they don’t even talk. But they go together, for a moment away from the Reds and Blues, and I think that says something.

Much has been said and much will be said about Wash’s writing across RvB’s many arcs; that’s Another Post and one I’ve been working on for some time. But I will say that for me, most of his Chorus writing really does hold up these days. Perhaps I have more appreciation now for any proactive Wash at all, after the crash dummy seasons 15 and 16 made of him. But I like Chorus Wash, even when he’s wrong. I like that he still (consistent with past seasons) has trouble with unfamiliar weapons and prefers a trusty battle rifle. I even like that he’s the one who most conspicuously refuses to take sides in the Chorus conflict, where Donut and Sarge show at least a bit of an affinity for the Feds, and the Captains are pretty invested in the New Republic. Wash has been there, done that, and served the prison sentence when it comes to believing in the wrong cause, and he is not about to throw his allegiance behind either of this planet’s factions. The Reds and Blues are his people now, full stop.

So we come back to that Locus-Wash parallel. And I have to say—this time around, it almost works for me. It works a lot better when I set aside its narrative utility and the way it’s framed, and look at it from both characters’ perspectives mostly independent of one another. I have @hokuton-punch to thank for some of this, as our conversations on my season 11 post have sparked some further thought for me. I’d like to expand my present Locus thoughts into their own post, so I’ll keep it brief here—only say that I think Locus wants to see himself in Wash, wants to see something in Wash that probably isn’t there, while Wash sees in Locus what he doesn’t want to be and lets that drive him to some self-reflection he’s long been avoiding. And that reading mostly works for me, for both characters.

Wash’s fever dream is the stickiest part of it for me, but I think I’ve worked out a reading of that I can live with as well, which will also be another post.

Something else I notice about Locus is that he does not like the plan to use the Reds and Blues to fuel the civil war—pretty much from the minute go. It’s not just a season 11 anomaly that Locus thinks killing the prisoners on the Fed side is a better idea. He does a very poor job of gaining Wash and Donut and Sarge’s sympathy for the Federal Army—to the point that it really doesn’t feel like he’s trying. He repeatedly points out that everything will be fucked if they make contact; even Felix acknowledges Locus’s concerns on that front.

Notably, none of this is Locus having misgivings about the overall mission or about killing. No one can tell me that Locus’s “Like sheep to the pen” and his insisting to Wash repeatedly that he completes his missions at all costs doesn’t sound self-satisfied. Locus is against the plan to divide and use the Reds and Blues, specifically, because he thinks it’s too risky, and he ends up being pretty much right about that.

“They were underestimated,” he says tersely, which might as well be an “I told you so.” I think if it was just Felix he would just say “I told you so” outright, but given Hargrove’s prior history with the Reds and Blues I’m pretty sure this was at least partially his plan—finish off the Chorusans and tie up some of Freelancer’s loose ends in one fell swoop.

I watched all the special features, including the character journals. The Reds and Blues’ journals aren’t super illuminating but they are really entertaining. (Simmons writes BSG fanfic!) Locus’s journal is, in hindsight, really funny. But I’ll have more to say about that in a future post on Locus. For now I will just say: “Could I have been a Freelancer? Or would they have feared me?” is hilarious and Maine would have stuffed this nerd in a locker on day two.

[oneguywithaniphone]

June 24, 1997: U.S. Air Force reports on Roswell

On this day in 1997, U.S. Air Force officials release a 231-page report dismissing long-standing claims of an alien spacecraft crash in Roswell, New Mexico, almost exactly 50 years earlier.

Public interest in Unidentified Flying Objects, or UFOs, began to flourish in the 1940s, when developments in space travel and the dawn of the atomic age caused many Americans to turn their attention to the skies. The town of Roswell, located near the Pecos River in southeastern New Mexico, became a magnet for UFO believers due to the strange events of early July 1947, when ranch foreman W.W. Brazel found a strange, shiny material scattered over some of his land. He turned the material over to the sheriff, who passed it on to authorities at the nearby Air Force base. On July 8, Air Force officials announced they had recovered the wreckage of a “flying disk.” A local newspaper put the story on its front page, launching Roswell into the spotlight of the public’s UFO fascination.

The Air Force soon took back their story, however, saying the debris had been merely a downed weather balloon. Aside from die-hard UFO believers, or “ufologists,” public interest in the so-called “Roswell Incident” faded until the late 1970s, when claims surfaced that the military had invented the weather balloon story as a cover-up. Believers in this theory argued that officials had in fact retrieved several alien bodies from the crashed spacecraft, which were now stored in the mysterious Area 51 installation in Nevada. Seeking to dispel these suspicions, the Air Force issued a 1,000-page report in 1994 stating that the crashed object was actually a high-altitude weather balloon launched from a nearby missile test-site as part of a classified experiment aimed at monitoring the atmosphere in order to detect Soviet nuclear tests.

On July 24, 1997, barely a week before the extravagant 50th anniversary celebration of the incident, the Air Force released yet another report on the controversial subject. Titled “The Roswell Report, Case Closed,” the document stated definitively that there was no Pentagon evidence that any kind of life form was found in the Roswell area in connection with the reported UFO sightings, and that the “bodies” recovered were not aliens but dummies used in parachute tests conducted in the region. Any hopes that this would put an end to the cover-up debate were in vain, as furious ufologists rushed to point out the report’s inconsistencies. With conspiracy theories still alive and well on the Internet, Roswell continues to thrive as a tourist destination for UFO enthusiasts far and wide, hosting the annual UFO Encounter Festival each July and welcoming visitors year-round to its International UFO Museum and Research Center.

from History.com - This Day in History - Lead Story https://ift.tt/1GGEh59

[m39]

History of the Creed - Part 2: Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood; the game that is a mission packed sequel and is somehow better than its predecessor… at least that’s how I think… and many other people.

ASSASSIN’S CREED: BROTHERHOOD (The original PC release in Europe: March 18, 2011)

PLOT

We begin our story where the last game ended up. Ezio just beat up the Pope and received a message that doesn’t understand because it’s for Desmond. So he comes back to Mushroom Ki- I mean his villa to finally take a rest from the Templars. Shame it was a bad idea, since Rodrigo’s son, manchild that he is, decided to wreck our shit with his papal army and, to add more salt to injury, kill uncle Mario. I HAVE WASTED DOZENS OF HOURS AND TENS OF THOUSANDS OF FLORINS TO MAKE THIS TOWN NOT LOOK LIKE SHIT! CESARE!! YOU SPANISH FU-

Technical difficulties

What we basically have is a repeat of the previous game: Family member of Borgias ends up ruining Ezio’s life in some way and killing his family member(s) so it’s time to whoop some ass in the old fashioned revenge. I mean it’s not bad but it’s kinda weak to have a story that its foundations are basically the same as the AC2.

Good thing that the characters save the story. Ezio is still awesome as he was in the previous game. Almost all of the secondary protagonists are from AC2 and their characterization is extended in some way (I might also want to add up that even Rodrigo somewhat changed after our last meeting). The new characters (both protagonists and antagonists [asides from Cesare]) are on the same level as the secondary characters in the previous game: nothing great, nothing terrible, just fine. Main villain on the other hand… is basically a large ham. And I fucking love it. It’s the kind of ham that is enjoyable to watch. And the main reason why Cesare is so hilariously enjoyable to watch is his voice actor. Andreas Apergis fucking nails it! He already showed some talent in Assassin’s Creed 2 as Francesco de’ Pazzi and Checco Orsi but this game is when he showed of his talent. The fact that he ended up as a main villain in modern times and as your closest companion in the newest game proves this.

GAMEPLAY

So this game is basically the same as Assassin’s Creed 2 but with few changes. While the parkour is still the same as it was before, the combat got some new stuff. For instance there are kill streaks now. How does it work? After killing an enemy you can aim at the next target and attack them, or in other words, kill them in one shot kill. Also there is a kick. You can kick the enemy in the nuts to make them vulnerable for your attacks.

You thought combat was too easy in the previous game? Well, with this two new addons the enemies are now a complete joke. Even the toughest bastards asides from Borgia captains and bosses will die like a little bitch once you smash their balls off and/or kill streak them.

Speaking off enemies, there are two new types of them. There are Papal Guards who are the amalgamation of all previous enemies. In theory, they are very tough. In practice, kick ‘em in the nuts and they are done. There are also previously mentioned Borgia Captains who will either run away on your sight or fight you, which, in latter’s case, are immune to counters and kill streaks.

…

Oh yeah, you can also hold attack button to do a special attack based on what you have in your hand. That (mostly) useless shit exists.

There is also some upgrades to your arsenal. You can fire your hidden gun much faster. You can fire poison through the shootable darts (when you buy it out from Leonardo). You can use heavy weapons like the ones used by brutes (when you buy heavy sheath). And of course, the god’s gift: The crossbow.

heavenly noises

Imagine your hidden pistol being silent and have up to over twice the ammo. That’s crossbow in the nutshell. Overpowered? Yes, but still satisfying to use. It may cost a fuck ton of florins but it’s worth a price.

Also, you have your assassin apprentices that you can summon to help you kill selected target or kill a group of soldiers with arrows when you have three, filled bars.

Are you sick of walking around the whole 16th century Rome? Well, now you can use tunnels to get faster (providing you renovated them).

There are new mechanics for horses like shooting/assassinating from a horse and stealing a horse GTA style. Oh, and you can also whistle to summon it; I forgot about that.

…

Huh… I believe I said probably everything about new gameplay mechanics.

OH WAIT! That’s right! The beggars are back! Along with bards!! AND THEY MULTIPLIED!!! Thank god for the ability to throw your money to distract them for a while.

Liquid Bogan: M̶u̵l̵t̴i̶p̵l̵a̷y̶e̵r̵.̴

What?

Liquid Bogan: T̵h̵e̵r̷e̸ ̵i̸s̷ ̶a̶l̴s̷o̶ ̶m̵u̸l̸t̸i̴p̸l̵a̵y̶e̶r̴.̷ ̶Y̶o̴u̴ ̴f̷o̸r̶g̵o̵t̴ ̷a̷b̴o̵u̵t̸ ̸i̸t̷,̶ ̷y̵i̸s̵?̵

…

What?

ACTIVITIES

Well it wouldn’t be an Ubisoft game without a fuck ton of side stuff to do, so I’ll try to focus on new things.

While renovations are back, you won’t be able to renovate the building unless you kill the Borgia captain in the region and then burn previously protected Borgia tower. There are also banks spread around Rome so you don’t have to go to one place to withdraw your money like in the previous game.

I mentioned earlier about the apprentices. You can recruit them by helping civilians when they are in danger just like AC1. In return they will join the brotherhood and you can then send them to different cities to level them up to level 10.

Now you can do challenges for mercenaries, courtesans, thieves and assassins. By doing them you can unlock stuff like (respectively) 50% discount for hiring guild members, 2 new abilities per guild and (and this is the only bonus from assassins) a new, powerful weapon. Personally they are fine but some of them are really annoying and tedious (10 times five people kill streak anyone?!).

Beside challenges, there are side missions, like, a fuck ton of them. We have assignments from thieves and courtesans and assassination contracts that unlock as you go further through the main plot. We have Leonardo’s war machines to destroy, which after doing all of them you will be rewarded with parachutes. We have missions focusing on Templar agents AKA characters from multiplayer. We have Christina missions that unlock every 15% of synchronization up to 75%. There are also 2 DLC packs that are free for PC users: The Da Vinci Disappearance and (since 2017 to my surprise) Copernicus Conspiracy.

Did you liked collecting the flags from AC1? Well guess what? They are back. And this time you can buy expensive as fuck maps after collecting 25 of them.

And now… we came to the big one: Full Synchronization. Basically, most of the memories (either main ones or secondary ones) has additional, secondary objective like not doing this thing, killing someone with specific weapon, don’t kill anyone etc. Personally, I have a mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it’s cool to give the game some additional challenge. On the other hand, it feels like it restricts the players (and to be more precise, completionists) from playing how they want. Not to mention, some of these objective are very annoying/hard to get (anybody wants some no detection task?!). Don’t like them? Tough shit! We will have to withstand it for… let me see- 7 GAMES AT LEAST!

Also there are 5 hidden artifacts on modern times. Might want to point it out.

But overall, most of these activities were enjoyable to do. Then again, I think I’m some kind of masochist that enjoys doing that. At least I can say that most of them are worth the award.

THE GRAHPICS AND SOUND

The graphics might be where this game has the biggest advantage over AC2. While the buildings and the rest of environment feels like it’s on the same level as the last game, the character models doesn’t give you a feeling of being outdated anymore (at least in 50-70%): textures look sharper, facial animation looks less wonky/over the top, it all looks really nice… except there is one noticeable problem with some of the animations. Whenever you kill someone with your hidden blade, their forearms doesn’t animate, so it feels like you stabbed a dummy with the inflatable arms. Did some of the animators forgot to add the animation?

The sound effects keep the same level as the previous game AKA very good and the soundtrack is still top-notch. Jesper Kyd once again made a damn good job on the latter’s department. When you compare both soundtracks from AC2 and ACB you’ll notice that the latter one (most of the time) has more aggressive/unpleasant experience, which makes sense, you are in the lion’s den which is Italian Templars’ main base, that ain’t Florence/Venice, that’s home of our main villain. Here are some of my favorite tracks:

And here is the entire soundtrack for you to hear.

STABILITY

Note: Played on the highest setting minus anti-aliasing.

Good news – there were no crashing bugs, nor game breaking bugs.

Bad news – there were more framerate drops this time (especially when it was raining).

So still, the PC version is nicely optimized with a few hiccups. Something tells me I should say more about it but honestly, there is nothing else to add.

SUMMARY

Same foundations for the plot that makes it somewhat boring? Yes. Too much annoying stuff to do? Kind of. Being nothing more but a reheated, mission-packed sequel? Absolutely. But still, this game is the best out of all of Ezio’s trilogy and I would say that even if the boomer fan pointed a gun on my head. It basically takes AC2 but it adds so much stuff that makes the previous game pale in comparison.

And now, the only way to finish this review… is with this:

Cesare, oh Cesare,

A man of great depravity

Believed himself immortal 'til

He had a date with gravity.

intensive clapping

See you all next time.

Bye!

[celticnoise]

The crucial moment in the hilarious Trading Places comes when the Duke brothers realise they’ve been scammed.

Looking across the floor of the Stock Exchange, they see Winthorpe and Valentine selling orange commodities, and their folly in buying up hundreds of them immediately becomes clear; the top secret “crop report” they have in their hands is a fake.

The roof is about to fall in on everything they’ve built.

They rush for the crowded brokerage floor, filled with excited traders in the flush of new information; their weasly gofer is somewhere in the throng. One of brothers plaintively shouts the words “We’ve got to get in there and tell him to sell!”

When they find their haples worker, almost dead from exhaustion and stress, they give him the order to “get back in there and sell! Sell!”

And then the bell rings, and their diabolical reign is over.

.celtra-ad-host { min-width: calc(100% + 50%) !important; margin-left: 2px !important; transform-origin: top left; transform: scale3d(0.67,0.67,1); }

I think of that scene often when I consider the parlous state of the Ibrox finances, and in particular today as the SPL season has closed out with the media and their supporters celebrating second place as if it were an achievement with the second highest budget in the land and having spent more in the summer than we did.

Things at Ibrox are nowhere near as rosy as the media would have you believe, just as they are nowhere near as dire at Celtic.

How could they be? We’re the champions and on the brink of a third consecutive treble.

Those who want to praise them for it can go right ahead; on this blog I write a lot about fundamentals.

And ours are sound. Theirs are not.

They are in dire need of sell, sell, selling.

Season tickets. Merchandise. Souvenir tat.

And yes, even footballers.

In fact, selling a top footballer is essential for them this summer if they are to properly equip themselves for the next campaign.

Anything less leaves a gaping hole in the books.

Look, there is no doubt that the Ibrox board is able to command the loyalty of its fans like few other clubs in Britain. But try as they might, they will never be able to sell enough Broxy Burgers and Worlds Best Sash Wearing Dad mugs to plug a financial gap with Celtic which, in recent years, has grown to mammoth proportions.

We make three times what they do.

That’s insurmountable for them.

It translates into real power. The power to buy players. The power to pay big salaries. The power to expand the infrastructure. The power to hire top people at every level. It gives us scope to do things that their club cannot. We are miles in front of them.

The media would have you believe that the gap has closed on the field of play. We’ve had an exceptionally tough season, when you think about it. There has never been a moment in this campaign when we’ve felt that the house was secure.

Almost from the first day of pre-season training there were attempts to destabilise us from outside the club … and that was nothing compared to the events of what I call The Summer of No Love when we conspired to shoot ourselves in the foot with a series of calamitous setbacks in the transfer market, which culminated in Rodgers’ public spitting of the dummy.

From that moment on, a black cloud hung over us.

Every day there was a fresh report linking the manager to another job. I think all of us dismissed those reports as frivolous nonsense because we all mistakenly believed the manager would have the loyalty to at least finish the campaign; how wrong we were.

Even a League Cup before Christmas didn’t disguise the fact that something was off with the team, a lethargy, a lack of consistency, something in the air perhaps.

January was supposed to bring respite, and a chance for the board to make amends.

Did they manage it? In part, but Rodgers wasn’t convinced.

Either that or he was working his ticket, looking for things to be offended by so he could justify walking.

It doesn’t matter now, we know what he did in February, but before that was the dig at the board over the signing of Shved.

Now listen, the manager should have been consulted over that one, but I believe people inside Parkhead were sufficiently concerned about his loyalty at that point that they’d stopped talking to him about long terms plans.

Scott Brown negotiated his contract without any input from Rodgers at all, as the manager confirmed.

It was obviously not a happy situation.

Neil Lennon’s appointment was unable to properly steady the ship, but he has guided it to port nonetheless. But Celtic Park is still not a happy place to be at the moment, and the whole club needs this summer to re-orient itself and get back to doing what it does best; hammering the opposition and driving towards more history and more glory.

When this house stands united, we’re pretty near unstoppable and this is what should really scare the Ibrox horde, once they get over the euphoria of winning two major matches – one actually, as Celtic had already secured the title before last weekend – in a season characterised by their own mediocrity.

The truth is, they didn’t move forward.

We went backwards.

Yet here we are, on the brink of 3Treble, and yet more history.

So how do they stop us when we’re back up and running, and focussed once more?

The answer is that they can’t.

All they can do is sell, sell, sell and hope that they make enough money in the doing to actually enhance their squad.

Yet even this strategy is doomed to failure, because the simple fact is that they don’t have saleable assets who can command the sort of fees they are looking for and which they need to properly fund the manager’s plans.

Whoever is next in the Celtic dugout will certainly be funded.

No new manager will come in without cash to spend, and if it’s Lennon – with all the doubts that remain about him – the board is going to have to sweeten the deal by letting him rebuild. Either way, money will be spent this summer as we see the club being put on war footing again.

That ramps up the pressure on the Ibrox board to respond in kind; they cannot allow their club to even look as if it’s falling further behind.

They will act because they have no choice. But how?

Where’s the cash coming from? Remember, that the mantra over there is not only sell, sell, sell but spend, spend, spend and so far no matter how much they sell the spending is higher still. That’s unsustainable, as this site and others keep pointing out.

Right now, their squad is still significantly weaker than ours.

When our players are fully fit, and rested, we are capable going on an extended winning run whereas they are not.

We are capable of competing on multiple fronts whereas they are not.

There is talk in the media of a “will to win” at Ibrox now, but wanting to win and being able to win are different things and our squad has the winner’s mentality because we actually have won trophies and titles.

An on form Celtic, with no major additions, is still very likely to be stronger than whatever team they manage to cobble together over the summer, and here’s something else; in Morelos, they have found a player perfectly capable of scoring goals in the SPL and there is no guarantee that they can replace him with a player with a similar goals-to-game ratio.

As Phil pointed out today in another excellent piece, Morelos never was the subject of massive bids from China or anywhere else; it take an NUJ member in Ireland to write what the Scottish press seems not to want to, him and the bloggers who all scorned that nonsense when it was published. Phil actually went one better though and spoke to people who know the game over in China, and if they couldn’t stand it up then it was a dead duck.

It was Gerrard himself who gave the game away; the club has had one offer for Morelos, the equivalent of £2.6 million.

They would have just about doubled their money.

For all that, and for all I believe Morelos is vastly over-rated – a Colombian Kris Boyd – that talent for putting the ball in the back of the net is clear. He lacks many of the attributes needed to be a top footballer, and his temperament is awful, but he has that in spades. Whatever they sell him for – and they will have to in the coming summer, and they won’t get near the kind of money they allegedly want – I think they’ll be weaker for it.

And they do not have the luxury of using whatever money they get to spend only on transfers. There are loans which need to paid back, there is cash to set aside for when the season ticket money runs out – and that will happen fast – and more as insurance should they crash out of Europe early, which is not exactly out of the question.

Then there’s Ashley, and the ever present threat of his lawyers.

Theirs is a club walking a very thin line. The media would rather not focus on that. But all that’s keeping the lights on over there the suspension of disbelief. Since its inception, the Ibrox NewCo has worked on that basis, but it becomes more acute the closer to alleged “success” they become. Perhaps its escaped their notice, but our greatest period has actually coincided with their arrival in our league. Yet still they persist in the fantasy.

At the end of Trading Places, Randolph and Mortimer Duke are penniless.

It is what they deserve for their egocentric bombast and their willingness to do abysmal things for their own kicks.

We’ve seen the Ibrox operations at the height of their power and swagger, and if you reckon they are graceless in defeat you only have to look at how offensive their conduct was when the previous club was winning everything.

Nobody mourns those days except their fans.

And those days are returning to Ibrox, no matter what delusions they feed themselves.

http://bit.ly/2YCCSKz

[celticnoise]

Don’t you love a sarcastic and bitter headline?

Ibrox Noise produced a beauty of a one last night; it was entitled “A congratulations to Celtic, from Rangers?” Forget for a moment that for that to happen you’d need not only a change in tone at Ibrox that would be quite incredible but a Ouija board as well … you already know that headline is a fraud.

The article is every bit as honking as you’d expect. Which is why I’m going to dissect it for you, paragraph by paragraph. It needs it. It demands it.

It opens thus;

“Let’s take nothing away from the achievement of Celtic creating history in Saturday’s resounding 2-0 victory in the Scottish Cup Final.”

And you just know, because the writers over there are complete goons, that the next line is going to try bloody hard to take as much away from it as possible.

“It was an easy, expected result over bottom 6-club Motherwell at Hampden Park. Celtic are now the only team ever to win the treble, two years on the trot, so how was it done?”

Good God. Hurting much? Bottom six club Motherwell put Aberdeen out in the semi-final. The team that finished second in the SPL. One place ahead of you know who. The writer clearly doesn’t do irony, but he is now going to tell us how we did it; what are the odds that he’s not going to say “by playing sparkling and brilliant football?”

Please, ignore the grammatical car-crash that follows.

“One way was to totally eliminate any competition who had the audacity and talent to beat them over the course of a season. What Celtic, with the help of Hibernian and Dundee United, did to Rangers and Scottish football in 2012, was one of the greatest travesties ever.”

Man oh man, where even to start here?

How about with the suggestion that the writer run away and look up the word “audacity” because I’m sure that has to be one of the worst uses for it I’ve ever read in all my life. As to his general point, it’s the same puerile nonsense they’ve been spouting for years, that we deliberately removed our only competition. As if there was no other reason why we’d have voted not to accept an even greater act of cheating on top of everything that had come before.

And why single out those clubs?

I remember that ten out of twelve SPL clubs voted to reject Sevco’s application to join that league. I remember a nearly unanimous vote to make them start in the third tier. Blaming Dundee Hibs, Hibs and Celtic sounds an awful lot to me like picking and choosing those with a certain background, as if this was some kind of Catholic-Irish conspiracy … but of course, the writer can’t be doing that because that would absolutely barking, wouldn’t it?

“Another method is to control the SPL and the way the SFA look at everything now, since Celtic took over from Rangers as the runaway winners of the most non-competitive-league-ever known!”

Aside from that reading like someone took a sentence in English, translated it to Mandarin, then to German, then to Dutch and then back to English again, it’s paranoid garbage. And the most non-competitive league ever known? Really?

And believe it or not, the writer was still semi-sane when he wrote that. Which is a state of affairs that doesn’t last until the next paragraph, where all the bitterness starts to seep through and the writing because even more laboured. (So too does the reading; brace yourselves.)

“God bless the bhoys for their heroics against teams with little or no money, as the blue pound has been sorely missed throughout the land, since the ‘Gers were inexplicably bounced down to play in the lowest league in Scotland – division 3.”

Jesus H Christ.

No other blog anywhere in cyberspace can be in greater need of a decent editor.

That is truly gruesome to read.

The point is also ridiculous. Tell me something; do you think these goons ever talked so much about financial disparity and the economics of the game? Their club is already spending more than it can afford and they are drooling over Jermain Defoe and Martin Skrtel and other high-profile players.

Will the subject ever be broached again if they get these guys and finish a secure second?

Absolutely not.

And there’s nothing “inexplicable” about them being made to play in the lowest tier. That’s where new clubs start, and that’s what Sevco was in 2012. This is not complicated. It is basic stuff. It is Football Regulations 101.

This nonsense about how not having access to the “blue pound” made other clubs weaker … it’s disproved garbage. Clubs in the SPL have never been healthier. Most adopt financial fair play on their own. Since Sevco was born in 2012, around a half dozen clubs have won major trophies and played in Europe who might not have. Aberdeen and Hearts have built new stands. Hibs have got promotion and are now Europa League qualifiers … the Armageddon that was supposed to wipe away a dozen teams has never come to pass.

“If you think I have spat my dummy out of the pram – well you are right!”

Yes, you made it quite obvious. And your pain is delicious. Keep it coming!

“Shame on you Celtic for capitulating the whole of our game up here and ripping the standard of quality players plying their trade in Scotland to shreds.”

Oooft. Every person who ever studied Higher English is wincing reading that right now, and everyone who teaches the subject is snapping a pencil in sheer frustration.

That’s the kind of sentence that gives blogging a bad name. It’s the kind of writing that makes your eyes bleed. Atrocious misuse of the word “capitulating”, convoluted structure … and the point itself makes no sense whatsoever. What the Hell did we do to make good SPL players into bad ones?

“With no real money to spend Aberdeen, Rangers, Hibernian, Hearts and Kilmarnock have to make do with signing as many free transfers and loan deals as they can muster.”

Tough titty. Hard old world, isn’t it? Some people would call that “living within your means” and it’s common across football and, actually, it has been the norm in Scotland for as long as I’ve been watching the game here, for most clubs anyway. But the brass neck of someone from Ibrox Noise bleating about how every team other than us has to make do with freebies and loans is stunning when nearly every article on the site that isn’t about Celtic is about how much money they are going to spend in this window. Last close season it was all about how they had outspent everyone else … including us. Are these people really this thick?

Apparently so, because this comes next …

“The short-sightedness of the board of the east enders of Glasgow astounds me. Are they really so ill-advised that they could not foresee the problems that eliminating Rangers to the bowels of football was going to harm their own profit margins in the long term?”

First up, that is a mess of monumental proportions.

Appalling craftsmanship.

The writer is one of those people who thinks the art of doing this is simply about being able to put one word in front of another. Yeah, like sculpting is about taking your chisel and just whacking the Hell out of it and then stepping back to admire the results. The problems in that one paragraph would take an entire essay to deconstruct. How about misusing “ill-advised”? How about the grotesque misuse of the word “eliminating”?

The whole section makes me shudder.

And what the Hell is the writer talking about? On the one hand he’s arguing that we’ve enriched ourselves, and made ourselves strong, on the back of their absence … and now he’s suggesting that we’re heading for financial oblivion as a result? Where have our profit margins been harmed? Our profits are going up year on year at the moment.

Delusional. The write is now howling at the moon.

“There’s been talk of ‘asterisks’ against Rangers’ legitimate title wins of the past, and yet Scotland’s media never mentions how comically invalid Celtic’s achievements of the past seven years or suggests an ‘asterisk’ next to them.”

First up, the media refuses to concede that there ought to be asterisks next to Rangers tainted titles; that has not stopped them calling Celtic’s into question in the manner of this idiot writer. Rangers EBT titles were not “legitimate titles”: I can show the writer the precise regulations that were broken in that time and the manner in which other clubs who violated them were punished. It’s easy to establish the facts here, it’s all in the public record.

But there is nothing in the rules, I’m afraid, which prohibits one club spending more than others are able to, or being well run enough that they can. There are 12 teams who start each SPL campaign and all of them start with zero points. The last time I checked the league title was presented to the team which won the most points in a season; we did that seven times in a row. Those titles are not tainted in any way, shape or form.

They were won fairly and within the rules.

This “put an asterisk next to them cause our team is crap” bears more than just a passing resemblance to the old school track and field argument which starts with “you ran before the bell and ah wasnae ready …” In other words, it’s childish, loser pish.

Brrrr … tough going right?

We’re almost finished. If you’ve stuck with it this long, you’ll have no problems getting through this last bit.

“When you deprive competitive opposition it only reduces revenues at the gate, discourages sponsors and removes lucrative TV money. It has turned our game into a joke, especially down south, where they stopped watching our games in their thousands.”

I can hear literature professors and students throughout the country wailing “No, please, no, no, no, please, no more …” just reading the words “deprive competitive opposition”.

The argument presented by the paragraph is the same one the hacks and Stewart Regan and others were coming out with at the time, and it was baloney then and it’s baloney now. And to those “down south” who barely watched Scottish football in the first place, every league that’s not theirs is a joke.

I don’t care what they think and never have.

“With the similarly short-sighted Celtic fans delighted to witness their team overwhelm Rangers on occasions and then watch the same players fail to turn up against Hibernian and Aberdeen at the end of the season, it must make them wonder at times – then again – maybe not!”

I have no idea what that paragraph means and you know what? I’m not even going to try and figure it out.

The writer should be whipped and scourged for his sins against the English language.

“Confidence is growing that Steven Gerrard and his new staff and players may finally properly trade blows with Parkhead and give them a right bloody nose. Asterisk or no asterisk.”

Confidence is growing where?

On the evidence of what?

What the Hell does the last line mean?

What the Hell has the writer been smoking or ingesting?

They Are The Peepul.

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[oneguywithaniphone]

June 24, 1997: U.S. Air Force reports on Roswell

On this day in 1997, U.S. Air Force officials release a 231-page report dismissing long-standing claims of an alien spacecraft crash in Roswell, New Mexico, almost exactly 50 years earlier.

Public interest in Unidentified Flying Objects, or UFOs, began to flourish in the 1940s, when developments in space travel and the dawn of the atomic age caused many Americans to turn their attention to the skies. The town of Roswell, located near the Pecos River in southeastern New Mexico, became a magnet for UFO believers due to the strange events of early July 1947, when ranch foreman W.W. Brazel found a strange, shiny material scattered over some of his land. He turned the material over to the sheriff, who passed it on to authorities at the nearby Air Force base. On July 8, Air Force officials announced they had recovered the wreckage of a “flying disk.” A local newspaper put the story on its front page, launching Roswell into the spotlight of the public’s UFO fascination.

The Air Force soon took back their story, however, saying the debris had been merely a downed weather balloon. Aside from die-hard UFO believers, or “ufologists,” public interest in the so-called “Roswell Incident” faded until the late 1970s, when claims surfaced that the military had invented the weather balloon story as a cover-up. Believers in this theory argued that officials had in fact retrieved several alien bodies from the crashed spacecraft, which were now stored in the mysterious Area 51 installation in Nevada. Seeking to dispel these suspicions, the Air Force issued a 1,000-page report in 1994 stating that the crashed object was actually a high-altitude weather balloon launched from a nearby missile test-site as part of a classified experiment aimed at monitoring the atmosphere in order to detect Soviet nuclear tests.

On July 24, 1997, barely a week before the extravagant 50th anniversary celebration of the incident, the Air Force released yet another report on the controversial subject. Titled “The Roswell Report, Case Closed,” the document stated definitively that there was no Pentagon evidence that any kind of life form was found in the Roswell area in connection with the reported UFO sightings, and that the “bodies” recovered were not aliens but dummies used in parachute tests conducted in the region. Any hopes that this would put an end to the cover-up debate were in vain, as furious ufologists rushed to point out the report’s inconsistencies. With conspiracy theories still alive and well on the Internet, Roswell continues to thrive as a tourist destination for UFO enthusiasts far and wide, hosting the annual UFO Encounter Festival each July and welcoming visitors year-round to its International UFO Museum and Research Center.

from History.com - This Day in History - Lead Story http://ift.tt/1GGEh59