#his fake little “wa!” made me gut laugh

[zishuge]

The Spirealm 致命游戏 (2024) | Ep. 6

[rainbowvamp]

Willow

Modern Reincarnation AU. Merlin and Lancelot go through a photo album. ~1700 words. Lancelot/Merlin. No warnings apply. (Mention of car wreck that killed Lancelot in a past life.)

A late birthday gift for Mod @little-ligi, because I couldn't have made this fest work without her. You're the best Ligi 💗

--

There’s no need to print photographs anymore. It’s easy enough to look at a screen and and flip through thousands, hundreds of thousands of images. But there has always been something special about choosing individual moments, perfect snapshots, and cataloging them into a book whose pages he can flip through. Merlin has been alive for over 1500 years. Books are one of the most familiar things he knows. One of the only things that hasn’t changed much in 1500 years.

People changed, clothes changed, transport changed, but not books. Those had remained nearly the same. You open the front cover and you look at what’s inside, just like always.

After 1500 years of adaptations, it was nice for this one thing to remain the same.

So when Lancelot hands him the photo album, Merlin is about to break his own face in half with how much he smiles at it. It’s a good thing, no a great thing, that Lancelot has done. The photo album is a deep forest green, the cover embossed with “The Book of Us.” In silver letters that Merlin traces with his fingers.

“What’s the occasion?” He asked, almost unable to take his eyes off of the book.

“Today is the day we met in this life, 10 years ago. I thought it might be nice.” Lancelot’s voice is so sincere, that Merlin has to look at him, has to look at the face of the man that he has loved without end or conditions for 1500 years. Tears prick his eyes because of all the love he see’s in Lancelot’s.

“I love you.” Merlin’s voice is soft when he finally finds it, and Lancelot crushes him to his broad chest, giving him a stability Merlin didn’t even know he needed until he had it.

“And I you,” Lancelot kissed Merlin’s cheek and Merlin’s fingers itched to open the photo album, but he didn’t want to leave the circle of Lancelot’s arms. He’s content to just listen to soft sound of Lancelot’s breaths, feel the pounding of his heart against his chest.

It’s Lancelot who finally breaks the silence. “Would you like to see the photos, my love?” His voice is soft and nonjudgemental. It’s obvious to Merlin that either a yes or a no would be acceptable.

“Yeah,” Merlin finally says, composing himself to pull away and walk with Lancelot to the couch.

They sit and Lancelot waits patiently for Merlin to feel ready to open the book.

The first few pages cover the span of over a year, with so few pictures taken before Lancelot knew him, before he remembered. Several of them are pulled from Instagram, captions included. There’s one of an empty seat and a drained coffee cup, and the caption just reads “I think I’ve met the man of my dreams.” It’s from their first coffee date, Lancelot’s post-date instagram update. Merlin laughed aloud, almost having forgotten it. The next is a candid shot of Merlin. They’d taken a weekend holiday a few months into dating and gone for a hike. The sun was setting behind Merlin, blurring out his features, but the silhouette was so obviously him.

The next was one of Lancelot cooking breakfast, looking over his shoulder to smile curiously at the camera.

Then the first selfie they’d ever taken together, complete with Lancelot pressing a kiss to Merlin’s cheek.

The photographs become more numerous, after that. Some of them and all their friends. There’s the photoset from Morgana’s birthday party (She’d rented a photo booth “because why they hell shouldn’t I spend Uther’s money on bullshit?”) There’s the Christmas photos for the dinner they always throw at Merlin’s because Lancelot doesn’t have any living family to go home to. Arthur and Morgana pop by when Uther becomes insufferable. Gwen and Elyan bring their father by to say hi. Leon stops by with gifts on his way to Mithian’s parent’s house. All these silly little moments caught on camera and made eternal, printed and carefully organized.

There’s the set they took at their third anniversary, a gift from Gwen and Arthur (who had recently gotten their heads out of unsavory places and started dating). There’s the picture of he and Gwaine standing side be side, smiling like old friends despite having just met twenty minutes ago. Merlin has a bruise forming on his cheek, but he’d insisted Lancelot take picture, to commemorate. “It’s not everyday I get in a bar fight, my love. Humor me.” And Lancelot always did.

There’s the terrible sledding disaster of 2015, where Merlin had crashed straight into a tree, and had been having too much fun to stop it with his magic. This is a still from a video, shortly before the actual disaster occurred. By the time the disaster was eminent Lancelot was no longer filming.

There’s the pictures he and Lancelot used to sneak of each other, just to have. Lancelot watching tellie. Merlin having a nap on the couch. Lancelot unclogging the sink. Merlin folding laundry. There was no rhyme or reason, then, for why they took the photos. It was a fun phase, each feeling challenged to take the most mundane pictures, always followed by a faked whining or griping.

There’s the picture of them from two years ago, in tailored suits, surrounded by friends, making their vows, followed by a series of all their friends dancing. A professional photographer had taken these photos, but Merlin always preferred the less polished pictures he and Lancelot took themselves that day.

Like the one Merlin had taken of Lancelot after he’d shoved cake in his face. Or Gwen’s candid picture of them gazing at each other like the biggest idiots in love.

Merlin doesn’t know when he started to cry, but he feels a tear roll down his face only when Lancelot pushes it away.

“I hope these are happy.” Lancelot puts his arm around him and Merlin nuzzles his shoulder. It’s enough, right now, to feel his warmth and smell his soap and just be near him. It’s grounding in a way only Lancelot ever was. The years with Lancelot, and there always seemed to be so many fewer of those than years without him, always made him feel the most alive. The most loved. The memories of Lancelot were good, but they didn’t sustain him, not like this would.

“Come here.” Merlins said, wiping his face and standing suddenly. He takes Lancelot’s hand and leads him out to the car.

“Where are we going?” He asked as they buckled the seat belts, but Merlin just shook his head.

“I want to show you something.”

—

The self storage place they pull up to is one of the last things Lancelot expects.

“Come on.” Merlin gets out and Lancelot dutifully follows, just like always. He lets Merlin take his hand again and watches as he pulls out a key ring that Lancelot’s never seen before and flips through them.

‘I put everything away, every time I meet one of you.” Merlin explains. “I used to have to keep the houses, to keep the things, but these are more secure.” He finally finds the key he needs as they stop outside a storage unit. “This one is from when we lived in the 1960s. Found you in Wales, then, of all places.” He smiled wanly. “We had 10 years together before you died in 1968. Car wreck.”

Lancelot only ever remembers bits of pieces of his past lives, normally only the good bits. “You weren’t with me, I presume?”

Merlin laughed as he wrenched the storage room door open. “You wouldn’t let me.”

“Is that why you never let me ride in a car without you now?”

“Part of it. I also just don’t like to be away from you.” Merlin flicked a light on and Lancelot was surprised by the sheer volume of things that existed in the room. “This was all of your things. I usually give myself about a year to wallow before I pack it away. If it’s here I never have to forget it, but I can still come and see it, if I need to.” He drags Lancelot to the back. On a wire rack there are plastic containers that looks like they’ve been taped shut. Merlin mutters a quick spell to remove the taping and then digs through the box. There are books, folders, papers, but then Merlin pulls out a photo album.

“I want you to see this. Because… I don’t know. It feels important.” Merlin is a very very old man, but he still doesn’t always have all the answers. Sometimes he just has to trust his gut and hope for the best.

He takes the album gently. It doesn’t smell stale the way old books usually do, most likely due to Merlin’s magic, but he flips it open anyway, without question. The first picture is of him and Merlin, a different him, but the same Merlin, Merlin’s arm is slung over him and they’re posing much more like a happy couple than a pair of friends. “Who took this?” He asked, tracing the lines of Merlin’s face. He looks so much older here than the Merlin he knows.

“Elyan. He liked photography. Took well to most of the Arts that life, actually.” Merlin smile and flipped a few pages to show Lancelot a picture of Elyan with a painting. “Abstraction was sort of the thing, then. He does a good job of it.”

“I don’t know anything about art, but it’s very compelling.” Even in the dreamy old photo, which was saying quite a lot.

“I brought it, a few years after he died. It’s in one of the other units.”

“How many of these do you have?” Lancelot asked, turning the page and almost laughing aloud at the image of Gwaine holding Arthur in a headlock. The two of them never changed, apparently.

“Just a couple. There are quite a lot of units in each building.”

“You own this building?”

“I’ve been alive for 1500 years, my love.” Merlin kisses his cheek and Lancelot closes the album. “I have a lot of stuff.”

“We’re taking this with us.”

“That was always the intent.” Merlin closes the box and spells the tape back into place. “That was a gift from you, too, actually, birthday present.”

“I’m predictable.”

Merlin laughed and wrapped an arm around Lancelot, tilting his head up to kiss his forehead. “You’re sentimental, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

He pulled Merlin’s head back down to kiss hims squarely on the lips, making Merlin finally pause for the first time since they’d gotten in the car. “Neither would I.”

[angelic-holland]

Seeing the Thing 10

Summary:  I want you all to myself this time. Conflicted looks good on me. I'm trying desperately. I want you all to myself this time. I want to give you space but the amount between us is wrecking me. 

Word Count: 2.9k

Warnings: none! 

A/N: yay for early upload!

“Morning,” you hear a gruff voice say and your eyes widen when you look up, seeing Tom’s face squished into the pillow, his arm around your middle, yours were squeezed between the two of you. 

“Hi,” you squeak, brain running through the events of the night before.

“You look like you needed sleep but I wasn’t sure when your first class was, it’s only eight now so you can go back to sleep if you wa-,”

“Did you say something last night?”

“What?” “I was falling asleep, and you were saying something, or at least I thought you said something but maybe I wa-,”

He cuts you off with a quick kiss, morning breath and all. 

Your nose wrinkles slightly and he laughs, “yes, I uh, I did.”

“Oh, for real?”

“I mean, did you really think I hated you?”

“No I just,”

“I did hate you for a while, always felt like you were stealing my best friend from me-,”

“He’s my best friend too.” 

“I know but he was my best friend first-,”

“Does that really matter?”

“I just mean that-,”

“I need to get to class,” you cut him off, you don’t want to hear about how Harrison was his friend first and that you stole him or some stupid territorial shit boys went through. You also wanted to get to the bottom of what his “I like you” meant. You figured beneath the gloomy anger in his eyes and the hostility when you were around other people that he didn’t hate you. You knew from the way his neck would stretch so your lips fit perfectly with his that he didn’t hate you. You knew from the way his fingers ran along your collarbone and he asked you questions to keep your mind off of your panicked thoughts that he didn’t hate you. You just wish you had the guts to ask him how much he liked you.

“Yeah, me too,” Tom nods, sitting up slightly. He chuckled and you looked to see your hand still curled around his shirt.

“Sorry bout that,” you let go of his shirt and he shrugs.

“Didn’t mind.”

“Alright, get lost, needa get to class.”

You watch as Tom gets up. You look down and see his clothes on your body. 

“Here I can-,”

“It’s fine, as much as I want you to get naked right now it’ll make us both late for class. Just give them back at some point, or keep them, whatever.”

“Ok, I uh, yeah,” you reply before he gives you a small smile and is gone.

Keep them.

They were comfortable, cozy, you wanted to stay in them as you grabbed Ben and Jerry’s and watched Netflix in bed, but instead you had your psychology of childhood class at 9:45. 

After class you took your coffee to the quad and sat with Gianna underneath a huge oak tree. 

“Everything good?” She watches as you bury your head in your hands. 

“I uh, might’ve fucked up.”

“What did you and Tom do?”

“Hey! Why’s it gotta be about that?”

“Because, you uh, confirmed it stupid, you get all defensive when I’m right about something.”

“Shush, yes, okay, I may have fucked up there.”

“Oh my god you slept with him, please tell me you slept with him.”

“Shhh! Jesus Christ anyone could be walking around okay?” Your eyes dart around to the students walking across the quad, others laying on the grass near you, book or phone in hand. 

“Well, did you?” Gianna pokes your shoulder and you grumble, flopping onto your stomach.

“It was bad.”

“Oh shit really? All I’ve ever heard was how good of a lay he is.”

“It wasn’t him, it was definitely me.”

“Why? Couldn’t get in the right mood?”

“I was in the mood, you know, but you know how sometimes you just get distracted and think of other things? And sometimes they just can’t find your g-spot? I dunno, it was a combination of all these things and I feel bad because I uh,”

“What? Please don’t tell me you faked it.”

“I did.”

“Girl..”

“I know, I know, it’s dumb and it doesn’t make me feel good to do but it usually works and they normally think I get there but Tom knew.”

“Oh my god, what did he say?”

“He was mad.”

“Understandable. So are you a thing?”

“No.”

“No?!” Gianna all but shouts.

“No, I don’t know, he uh, said he liked me? So he uh doesn’t hate me anymore,” you laugh weakly.

You feel the smack of Gianna’s hand against your shoulder, “Hey!”

“Of course he doesn’t hate you, he had sex with you dummy.”

“I guess but-,”

“And what do you want from him?”

“Huh?”

“Like I want Harrison to hold my hand when we walk to classes and whatever, but I don’t want any of that cheesy romance stuff, he tried buying me flowers one day but I told him he better spend his money on something useful like food for us to eat.”

“I dunno, I guess I don’t want flowers, that kinda cheesy whatever, besides they die way too quickly anyways. It’s not like he’s- like we’re- I don’t know. Okay, hear me out, you know that scene in Princess Bride?”

“I know every scene in the Princess Bride you’ve made me watch it like five times.”

“It’s the best movie ever made so of course you should see it at least five times.”

“You’re pushing it.”

“Okay, hear me out G, you know right after Wesley saves Buttercup from Vizzini? And they’re arguing on the hillside.”

“Yes.”

“And she is pissed at him when he reveals he ‘killed’ Wesley? And pushes him down the hill?”

“Are you saying you want to push Tom down a hill? Because I totally understand that but-,”

“No, and then he says ‘as you wish’ and it’s everything that Buttercup needs to hear?”

“So some sort of declaration of feelings?”

“I guess so? Then I’d be willing to fall down that hill too but I just don’t want to get in over my head without anything to show for it.”

“Sometimes you just gotta, you know, be like ‘hey! hot boy! I like you!’ But if you’d feel more comfortable waiting for him to say something, by all means. I wasn’t exactly subtle when I flirted with Harrison, but in all honesty I should’ve just been like ‘hey dork be my boyfriend’ but I didn’t. So you do you.”

“Thanks G.”

“And besides, it’s normal for guys to not know how to get you off right away, but you can’t just assume they won’t ever get there, sometimes you just need to teach them.”

“Thing is, Tom’s definitely not used to that, not being able to get a girl off, so uh, I don’t know if he’d be down for a little lesson.”

“You’re truly so god damn clueless sometimes, if he likes you, he’s going to want to make you feel good, okay? Even if that takes all night or several tries. It shouldn’t matter.”

“I think I already bruised his ego enough.”

“Nah, he’s got plenty,” Gianna winked with a shove of your shoulder, “go get some.”

After your conversation with Gianna, the day passed in a blur, one coffee into the next, lecture hall after lecture hall until you found yourself in the back corner of the library, curled up in a ball in your chair, rebooting Qlab for what felt like the 30th time today.

You groaned before shoving your computer forward, giving you enough space to rest your head on the table. You knew logically you should go to bed. Just because the library had an all night study lounge and cafe didn’t mean you should spend all your time here. That didn’t stop you from using it though. As Qlab finally opened and stayed open you set to work mixing the sounds for the scene in the bar, light chatter with Toxic playing softly in the background. In your efforts to not get your asses sued for copyright you found a cover that was somewhat distorted. You checked the time on your phone, your brain starting to turn to mush. When was the last coffee you had? Lunch time? After your third class? That was… 10 hours ago. 

You set to work scrubbing the distortion from the Toxic sound bite, planning on grabbing a coffee after you finished this bit.

***

Tom saw you working at the corner table out of the corner of his eye. He was typing his term paper on his laptop, getting distracted each time you let out a soft sigh or would lightly tap your hand against the desk. A few other tired students sat around the section of the library that was opened this late, coffee cups and paper strewn over desks.

He noticed you didn’t have a coffee next to you and shut his laptop, packing his bag before walking over to the Night Owl cafe.

“One vanilla misto and a royal English please.”

He glanced over his shoulder as the woman behind the counter made the drinks, watching as you pushed the computer forward and rested your head on the desk. 

He chuckled softly at your small groan, turning quickly when you sat back up, typing away again.

“Thanks,” he pays for the drinks and carries them over to you.

***

You glance up as a mug is set in front of you, taking one earbud out.

“Hi,” Tom says, standing awkwardly at the side of the desk with another mug in his hands.

“Hi,” you nod at the coffee, “this for me?”

“Yeah, uh, it’s nothing, just lady at the Night Owl thought I said vanilla misto when I said royal English so she made this and I wasn’t going to drink it but I saw you were here so I figured you might want it?” Tom rambles and you stare at him confused.

There was definitely no way that’s what happened, but if Tom felt better telling you that than admitting he just bought you a goddamn coffee then you’d let it slide.

“Thanks,” you smile after a moment of him tapping his foot and you blinking out of it, taking a sip of the coffee.

“Yeah, yeah, so uh, working on homework?” He asks and you gesture to the seat next to you.

“Nope, trying to overlay this track with another for the show.”

You watch as Tom shuffled behind you, setting his cup of tea down and sitting down.

“What does that mean? Like you’re mixing two sounds?”

“Sort of, see this clip here?” You point to the track of Toxic.

He nods, you don’t catch his eyes glancing at you, glimpsing at the way your hair shaped your face or your ear peeking out from your hair, the way your fingers would tap along your cheek as you explained whatever it was you were explaining to him. He most definitely zoned out because you turned, eyes squinting as you frowned.

“So?”

“Cool.”

“I asked if you wanted to listen to it.”

“Oh, yeah, sure, sorry,” Tom sets his mug down as you hand him one earbud. 

He attempts to put it in his ear while you put the other in yours. You both realize you’ve got the wrong one and you lift your hand to take the earpiece out, laughing quietly in the otherwise silent library. His fingers brush against yours as he takes the earbud and you feel heat rise to your cheeks as he hands you the correct piece.

“Thanks,” you mumble and he nods, placing the right one in his ear before dropping his hand next to your laptop. 

You eye his hand, fingers tapping against the table as you press play.

The two of you listen to the sound cue, you replay it as Tom’s pinky runs along your arm. 

“What do you think?” 

You can feel the goosebumps rise along your arms, he can as well, a shiver, something that’s rising above the surface that neither of you will comment on.

“Do you want to hear the chatter over the music or the other way around?”

“See, I’m not sure, I think that having it playing underneath the chatter, at least people will hear the instrumentals of it and hopefully understand the point I’m trying to make. Because the scene isn’t supposed to be a wild club with roaring music, it’s just a small bar in a hole in the wall town in Maine.”

“Then I think you’ve made your point.”

“You sure? Is it too clunky? I feel like it doesn’t blend well enough and Harrison’s gonna think it sounds ridiculous and I’ll have to redo it and then I’ll spend another night here when all I wanna do is go back to sleep and-,”

You didn’t realize you had worked yourself up, breath coming in short harsh gasps, your hands shaking against the keyboard until Tom’s hand curled around your wrist, sliding down to rest against the top of your hand.

“It’s okay, I think it sounds great. Then again I don’t know much about this stuff but it doesn’t take a genius to know that this sounds fantastic.”

“You sure?” 

Tom nods, his hand just a firm presence on your upper arm.

“Okay, yeah, I uh, I’ll wait to hear it in the space before I make a decision but yeah.”

You relax against his touch, playing the next clip.

“Is that Cupid?” Tom grins, listening to the beginning notes.

“Yep, Harrison gave me a very specific set of songs for transitions, I think this is pretty fitting going from Sad and Glad to This Hurts.”

“Hmm, fitting. What other songs do you have?”

“Thank God I Found You.”

“Okay, that’s between this one and Getting it Back? Right?”

“Yeah, hey, why don’t you sound design?”

“Because these buttons and whatever? I have no idea what’s happening on your laptop,” Tom laughs, resting his head on your shoulder. 

“You’re tired,” you comment.

“Only a little,” he rubs his eyes with his other hand.

“Come on, you should go to bed.”

“No, wanna listen to the music,” Tom whines and you roll your eyes.

“I don’t want you drooling on my shoulder,” you laugh, nudging him slightly.

“Fine, at least let me walk you back, don’t want you crashing in two hours and sleeping here.”

“You’re right,” you sigh, closing your laptop.

Tom hands you your headphones and waits as you pack up your bag. 

He brings the mugs back to the Night Owl before falling in step with you out of the library. 

“I have a question,” Tom asks, the backs of his knuckles brushing against the back of your own. You feel his finger twitch against yours, almost instinctively reaching for it. All it would take was the twitch of yours and you’d feel the warmth of his hand in yours. 

But it’s late and you’re tired and you don’t want to run into anyone you might know, anyone who might get back to Harrison that you and Tom were holding hands. So you take a slight step to the side so your hands aren’t even brushing anymore. 

“Okay, shoot.”

And Tom notices, of course he notices, even just the slightest movement that brings you farther away from him. And he huffs out a sigh before crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Nevermind, it’s uh, not important.”

“Oh.”

And silence fills the air, cold and biting like the wind, waiting for either of you to say something as you crossed the quad, walking across the street, no traffic at midnight on a Monday.

“Everything you, uh, say is important,” you mumble as you increase your pace, damn it, now you just sound like a mom trying to comfort her insecure kid.

Tom’s silent as you round the corner to your building.

“Okay thanks for uh, for walking me back,” you speak up as you get to the landing on the stairs for his floor.

“Anytime,” Tom smirks, dropping his arms, leaning his head to meet yours, he kisses you, lips insistent as his hands grip your shoulders, pushing you back against the wall.

“Stop,” you push him off, brushing past him and up the stairs.

“What? I can’t kiss you?” Tom asks angrily, feet stomping behind you.

“Not here! Not in public! Especially right where Harrison might show up!”

“Would that be such a bad thing? If Harrison knew?” Tom asks, watching as you fumble with the lock on your door before pushing it open.

“Because!” You try to keep your voice down but everything was just so frustrating. You wanted to tell him, you really did, tell him you were scared Harrison would think it’s a bad idea, whatever this was.

“Go on, tell me,” Tom follows you into your room, closing the door behind him.

Part of you is aching to tell him to leave, to just leave you be and let yourself wallow in the anguish of unspoken words. 

The other part sets your backpack on the ground by your bed, taking a step back as Tom steps forward.

“Cat got your tongue?” He laughs, watching as you sway from foot to foot.

“Because if I tell Harrison, then it’s-,”

“What?”

One step backward from you, legs pressed against the edge of your bed.

He walks towards you, a glint of a smile on his face as he sets his backpack on the ground.

“Then it’s real?” He asked, tilting his head to the side as his hand rested on your hip.

“Maybe,” you breathe out as he pulls you close, body flush with his.

“Oh darling, it was real since the first time I kissed you,” Tom smiles that dazzling smile that you’re sure wooed every girl he’s ever been with because it was starting to do the same to you, stomach doing nervous flip flops as he kissed you.

Real.

****

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[kingdomofkitten]

Last Minute and Lasting Memories

¥ 56,930.

¥ 113,860.

¥ 170,790!

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¥ 11,385,986!

The hyena simply stood aghast, at all of the prices laid out in front of him. These had to be the wrong price tags, right? All for some nice jewelry? No, they seemed to be correct, much to his horror, and disappointment. In all fairness, perhaps this was merely karma.

Haida, admittedly, was a touch late. It was already Christmas Eve, and he hadn’t gotten anything for Retsuko, or Ikari. He had been so busy and stressed out with work, that he didn’t even have the idea of Christmas gifts dance around in his head until just today. As if a sudden 100 ton piled onto his back, which already had a bunch of anvils on it. But whatever, he was out shopping, might as well get it over with. He went through the mall like a hawk, trying to find good sales. He had to fight to get the latest paycheck, so he wanted to make sure he wasn’t breaking the bank account today. But at the same time...it was for his wife! And his son! He wanted to make it something special. They were special to him, so it made sense. So, something super important and awesome for them, and cheap enough so they can still pay the bills.

WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO FIND ONE OF THOSE, WOULDN’T IT?!

But no! Everything is marked up like it’s an auction! He had to get away, before his sanity was gone. He ran off, and found himself back outside. The snow, and the lights practically blinded him. He was so confused. So petrified. Christmas….wasn’t always the greatest for him. It had been some time since what happened at the hospital, and the stuff that followed that Christmas, but the memory, even with all the wonderful ones that followed, is still burned into his memory. And now it plans to be even worse, with Ikari now here. Ugh, why couldn’t this happen without him?! …..wait, how could he even think that?! Aagh! Haida ran everywhere he could. Toy stores, make-up stores, everywhere...they were all closing down. “No...no, NO! COME ON!” Haida exclaimed, as he saw time running out for him. “No, PLEASE! SOMEBODY! ...anyone?!” At the end, he only saw one shop left.

A secondhand store.

He shuddered. The mere embarrassment. Retsuko, a practical angel in his eyes, who deserves nothing less than ROYALTY...and here he was, buying some junk that was passed down by someone who wanted a quick buck. “Disgusting,” he thought, as he went inside. “You should be ashamed of yourself. You are making a mockery out of her! What kind of man are you?!” But what choice did he have? Just go in, find some moderately nice stuff, and run out. That’s all. Dignity be damned. He wandered the aisles, looking for something to stand out to him. What would a girl like Retsuko like? He’s been with her for years now. Just a few months ago, he married her! And yet, somehow, when it comes to finding a good gift for her, he could never put two and two together, for some reason. He knows her from front to back, but here he was. Whatever. It’s guessing time.

He browsed shelves up and down. It was actually impressive how much stuff you can find in one of these stores. Old video games, clothing, appliances, DVDs, toys...and yet, nothing that could potentially entice a late-20s red panda….actually, wait, he thought, what’s this? He saw, in the jewelry section, a very, VERY pretty necklace. Which, alone, is not that interesting. But he looked closer, and saw...it was a rock necklace. Like, not that it was made of rock, it just had that aesthetic to it. Guitars, amps, skulls, the devil horns gesture, the works. And in it all were some lovely diamonds embedded in them. Somehow, he had a gut feeling. “She’s going to like this.” He grabbed the necklace, noticed it was 11,000 yen. Honestly? Not bad. That will do. He put it in his basket. “Now, to find a toy for Ikari.” What would a 2-year old be into? Probably just a blanket, still, or-

Wait.

Is that, Retsuko?

Certainly looks like her. She’s just browsing the store, looking through the racks upon racks. What was she doing here? Does she know Haida was there? Is it a hallucination, to emphasize how much Haida failed by going to this store? Oh, crap! She turned towards him! He backed away, before she could notice. “Phew! That was a close one,” he thought to himself, as he suddenly eyed something. He walked closer towards what appeared to be a stuffed animal. A dinosaur, to be exact. Obviously this was own by some child at some point, as it appears one of the eyes is missing. Still, there was kind of a charm about it. Haida couldn’t quite explain it, but it appealed to him in some capacity. He wondered about Ikari. Could he like it? “I mean, it’s not like he’ll really notice it’s worn out right now. He’s 2.” Haida thought. So, he grabbed it. Now to pay for the stuff, and get out, before Retsuko notices him.

Walking out of that store felt weird. He accomplished what he set out to do….and yet, it still felt like something was unfinished. Come to think of it, it felt that way for every Christmas, for the past few years now. What was it? It was odd, whatever it was. Being with Retsuko managed to improve Haida’s life in every capacity...except for the alleged most wonderful time of the year. For some bizarre reason, every Christmas so far has been happy, and joyous, yes! But also….empty. Incomplete. What was it? Oh, well. Probably best to head home…..perhaps it was the gifts themselves? Like, they WERE, in the end, last minute gifts. It’s not like he put much thought into getting them. Perhaps that was the problem? ...but wait, last year, he and Retsuko paid to go see some show that evening! It was fun, they had good laughs, a beautiful night! And yet….it still felt off. Whatever it was, it was beginning to bug Haida. What was it?! WHAT?!

*bzzt bzzt*

A text. From Retsuko. He opened it up, to see what she wrote. “Hey, Haida! I was wondering, could you meet me and Ikari up at that soba shop in town? I think you know the one I’m referring to. At least, I HOPE you do. ;)” ...huh. Yeah, he could actually remember which one she was talking about. Why did she want to meet there? Is that where some party is going on? “Hmm….alright, I guess I won’t question it.” He uttered, as he began making his way there.

Through the door, he could see the wife and child, bundled up in adorable little jackets ordering soba. He smiled, although truthfully, he was worried about his gifts to them. Will they like them? Will they hate them? Only one way to find out. He entered, and saw Retsuko turn to him. “Honey!” She exclaimed, with a bright smile on her face. He could only blush at her precious gaze. “H-hey, Retsuko! Hi, Ikari!” “Christ, I’m still like before we ever went out.” He thought to himself, as he continued. “S-so, what’s up? What are we doing here?” She simply giggled. “I just figured it would be a bit of a special place for us. I already ordered you a bowl, just so you know.” Retsuko answered. “Special place? The hell is she talking about?” Not like it mattered, as the bowls were set out, ready to be eaten. Haida scarfed his down rather quickly. Being so frantic to find a good gift meant he effectively starved himself throughout the whole day. “Ah, that hit the spot!” He sighed out in relief, as he turned to see his wife give a tiny bit to Ikari...who promptly squirmed at the mere taste. “Yucky!” The child exclaimed, causing the parents to laugh. “Oh, you’ll get used to it, buddy,” said Retsuko, sighing, and looking….sad? She wasn’t sobbing, or anything, but Haida noticed, she didn’t quite have the glow she usually does. What...what was wrong?

“...Retsuko?” Haida asked, concerned. “Hmm? Yes, sweetie?” She turned to him, possibly trying to hide those hurt emotions. To no avail, alas. “Are you okay? You look down.” Retsuko only stared at him in shock. He clearly noticed. “...um..y-y-yeah! Yeah. A-okay.” “.....Retsuko, you’re lying. What’s the matter? You can tell me.” He got closer to her, seeing her worn face looking down. “....promise you won’t laugh. It’s not funny to me.” She muttered, as he holds her hand. “I promise.” He replied, in the most earnest voice she possibly ever heard him speak in. She looked, and stared deep into his eyes. He had a look of worry, as if the world could suddenly disappear, at any moment. She sighed, and spoke.

“I get really sad around Christmas, these past few years. About what happened at the hospital.”

“...huh?” Haida looked even more confused than before. “I...sigh, even explaining it is weird! Okay, remember when you poured your heart out to me, at the hospital, when you got sick?” “I do...I recall you saying you didn’t want to pursue a relationship then. Honestly, made sense, given you had just had that break-up, probably should’ve thought abou-” She stopped him. “Well...I heard you got pretty depressed after that…” It had been some time since that event, so Haida had to think about it a bit. How long, 5 years ago? ...wow, had it actually been that long already? “....yeah, I was pretty bummed.” He suddenly answered. “I...also found out that Christmas was especially hard on you, since...well, that was when I was going through that social media nonsense.” “I mean, I saw a picture you took with two fake wine glasses, implying you were with some dude, so yeah, that kinda put me in a bit of a funk, so…” He joked, but he saw she was still upset. “...erm, sorry, Retsuko.” “It was fine. At the time, all of that kind of just blew past me. Even our chat towards the end, which was very lovely at the time. And was a great indicator of things to come, I might add. But some time later, after we had started dating, Fenneko told me about all of it. It was just a silly drunken thing, I’m assuming to her...but I couldn’t get the images out of my brain. These thoughts of you in tears, drinking away your pain...all because of my own ignorance, and my shooting you down...there would be nights I would have horrible nightmares about that time, and I would wake up with tears streaming down my face. And even after we became much closer, even after Ikari was born, even now, as we’re married…..that feeling, of dread, of sorrow, of regret...they still hover above me.”

At that moment, Haida’s heart plummeted. This was someone he loved, deeply! Someone he knew as being a beacon of light in a dark dystopia such as the Japanese work environment! Obviously, he knew she wasn’t always going to be happy (she DID get mad a lot), but the fact that she said all of this, that his own pitiful reactions to her decisions all those years back now haunt her? Especially around one of the happiest times of the year! She shouldn’t be so depressed around this time! Oh, god, how did he never notice?! Was...was this the emptiness he was noticing? Was this the nagging feeling he had creeping around him? “Retsuko…,” he was only able to let out, feeling like a broken man after hearing this. “...I-I picked this place, because...well, it was a great place to remind me, Christmas...it’s not some fancy dinner, or some big social thing you have to do, in order to be loved...it’s something you spend with your family. Your friends. People you care about, people who care about you….people you love,” she continued, caressing his hand. “...still, even if that were the case, it doesn’t change how much guilt I have for putting you through all of that. If I could, I would go back, and jump onto you in that hospital bed, saying yes until I couldn’t speak anymore. Maybe all of this would’ve happened sooner, if I did that, and you wouldn’t have had such a bad Christmas then....I’m sorry, Haida, I’m sure you didn’t want to hear any of that.”

“....actually, Retsuko? Far from it. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

“Huh?,” she questioned, looking at the hyena, smiling warmly at her. “Firstly, you’re right. Christmas isn’t some big thing you have to pull all the stops for. It’s something you need to spend with the people around you, who care for you. Something I probably should’ve remembered earlier today, honestly.” He looked away, slightly embarassed. “Oh, right, when you were at the secondhand store? I saw.” Retsuko winked, making Haida beet red. “THAT BEING SAID...secondly….you know, maybe if you had said yes at the hospital, things would have happened sooner….but by that same token….they may not have happened at all. We don’t know what would’ve happened to us. The fact is it happened, and now we’re at this point in our lives. Even back at that time, I just considered that moment ‘ancient history’, and just tried to move on, occasionally trying again...to little avail, sure, but it was something. And yet, look where all of that got us to. We’re now married. We have a son. We’re living pretty alright, right now. And we got friends and families that have our backs, no matter what….what I’m saying is, if given the chance to change the events of that day, I wouldn’t change a single second. If it meant being in the same home with you, being able to help you put Ikari to bed, helping you deal with all the bullshit at work, hearing you scream your head off, if it means being able to wake up to you, in my arms, desperately trying to get up for work, and us saying that we love each other, if it means all of that…...I’m willing to take the heartbreak of that day a hundred times over.”

The shop went silent.

“H-Haida…” Retsuko uttered, before jumping him, and giving him a long, tight embrace. Haida was taken aback slightly, before holding her closely as well. Ikari gently walked towards them, and joined in the hug. “...isn’t Christmas wonderful, Haida?,” asked Retsuko. “It is….speaking of, probably should get the gifts out of the way, huh?” They break the hug, as Haida grabs out his presents to them. “P-please understand, I was rushing, I only got around to getting these today…” He held out the gifts, the necklace to Retsuko, and the dinosaur to Ikari, wincing away. Retsuko was the first to react, a gasp coming from her. “Oh, Haida, I love it! It’s beautiful!” She exclaimed, observing the necklace, and every detail on it. Ikari simply grabbed the dinosaur, and proceeded to hug it tightly. Haida only looked, a bit in shock. “...huh. I somehow wasn’t expecting any of this. I guess I just thought...well, it was you guys, I didn’t want to seem like I was disappointing you,” said Haida, with which Retsuko laughed. “It’s fine! As long as it’s from you, I am perfectly okay with it. Besides, I think this oughta look good on me, huh?” “Well, obviously it would, given it would be worn by you.” Haida replied, with a wink. “Mhmhm! ...plus, if it makes you feel any better, Haida...I was at that store to get your present too.” She similarly looked slightly embarrassed at saying that, as she handed him...a coffee mug. “You remember that mug I accidentally broke in a fit of rage once?” “Yeah?” Haida answered. “Well, I tried all day to find another one like it, and I was only able to find one at that store. It had an awful smudge on it, though, so I wrote on it with a red marker. He looked at the mug. Indeed, it was the “No. 1 Papa” mug he had previously...except now he noticed the extra writing.

“(and husband!)”

Tears began to seep through, as he looked at Retsuko with the biggest smile he could possibly give. “Oh, thank you! I love it!,” said Haida, as she looked at him in surprise. “O-oh! No problem, Haida!” How adorable, she doesn’t know how much this really meant to him. Not just because of the circumstances that led them both to this point, and coming together this holiday season….but also because he really liked that mug, and was happy to have it again. As the three happily look over their presents, Retsuko looks over her phone, to check on notifications from Fenneko, when she noticed a particular app. “....you know, I haven’t done an Instagram post in a while….wanna do some pics?” She said with a small smirk. “....let’s.”

And so they did. Several photos were shot, both inside the Soba shop, with all three flexing their gifts, and the food, and some outside, with them running across the streets, posing in front of a giant Christmas tree, and Retsuko and Haida getting close, and kissing. Enough for some silly post with “Hanging with the family this Christmas!”, or something along those lines. As such, they started walking home, with Retsuko typing out something. It was seemingly a long thing to write, Haida realized. “Hey, how long does it take to say ‘Merry Christmas,’ anyways?,” he joked, causing some small laughter from the red panda. “You’ll see what it actually says, soon enough.” Later that night, as the two began falling asleep in their bed, she finally reached out for her phone, and posted those images. “...what the...you just now got to posting those?” Haida asked, just barely awake. “Mm-hmm. Check your phone, if you want to know why.” Haida grabbed out his phone, and opened up the app. Indeed, he saw all the photos taken. Selfies, food pics, fun little night on the town, it was all enough for him to smile...but then, he saw what she had wrote.

“A few years ago, I rejected a hyena I knew, named Haida, and told him I only saw him as a friend. Just earlier this year, we exchanged vows, and became husband and wife. And now, here we are, at this holiday season, with our happy toddler, as we continue onto the new year, creeping ever closer. But before that, Christmas is coming up. By the time you’re reading this, it probably already has come. And with that, I want to say something that I’ve been keeping in mind as of these past few years. If you know people, even ones like Haida, hold them close. Keep them near you. Believe it or not, you’d be surprised how important those people can be to you. Maybe you won’t be as lucky as I was. Maybe you’ll find, at the end, you two are still just friends. But even that’s fine! Who knows? Even then, those people may very well change your life in the best of ways. Haida, I love you! And I hope that this post, made on the very last minute of Christmas Eve, makes you smile tonight, and all throughout tomorrow. To everyone reading, Merry Christmas!”

Indeed, it made him smile, and will all throughout tomorrow.

“I love you too, Retsuko. Merry Christmas.”

OH MY SWEET JESUS I AM ACTUALLY DONE AWONFJLFBNAOUJSNA

Yes, it’s finally here! Like I said, this was majorly impacted by the recent Christmas special (to where I actually changed the original name, Last Minute, to fit with the new direction), and as such, now, just an hour or two before Christmas eve (at least, in my time), here it is! ...almost fitting in a way, huh? Well, in any regard, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Hanukkah! Or Happy Kwanzaa! Or Happy Winter Solstice! Or Happy.....Life Day? I dunno, you do you, I guess. :P

[shibuemiyuu]

Desires - Hakuoki Fanfiction - Chapter 10

Hi readers! Just read and enjoy ^^. And thank you for @impracticaldemon​ for editing this chapter :D

By the way, the scene in picture above is one of my favorite scene between our couple :3

Chapter of the Stories:

Prequel - Prologue - I - II - III - IV - V - VI - VII - VIII - IX

@hijichiweek​ @kirakirachiizuru​

-X-

"There are Onis that have attacked us right now."

That one sentence left Chizuru speechless. "What?"

She could hear the roars and shouts of battle accompanied by the sound of steel against steel echoing from outside her room. She had come back not too long before to her room. The whole fiasco with Sen had made her feelings into a swirling pool, with all the confessions that she had told Sen about. It really wore her out and she wanted to lie down and sleep to rest her body and mind. Unfortunately, she would not get that sleep that she so much needed that night.

She could hear that someone had come running and his footsteps were stopping in front of her room. It turned out to be Shimada and he said that an emergency situation had happened. And what happened was the situation described above.

When Chizuru's mind had started to work again, she shuffled from her futon and grabbed her kodachi. But when she leapt for the door to go outside, Shimada threw out his arm to stop her and his determined eyes met Chizuru's panicked ones.

"The Onis are after you," said Shimada in calm voice. "You can't go out. You need to stay here."

"But –"  Chizuru's mind was in turmoil. 'I am the one that they're after. How could I just sit and wait in here while the others fight the battles, my battles for me?!' What she was most afraid of was happening. 'Everyone could die in the battle. And I don't want that to happen!'

Chizuru was imagining the worst that might happen… that the Shinsengumi could be wiped out because of her, the members could be dead of fighting the Oni, the captains could be dead because they were defending her, that he could get hurt and be killed because of her….

"I have to go Shimada-san," Chizuru said it with her most certain tone.

"No! I can't let you do that Yukimura."

 Chizuru looked straight to Shimada and the man could see the determination that reflected in her eyes. "Those onis are here for me. I will try to talk to them. Maybe if they have seen me, the fight could cease. I… I just don't want anyone to get hurt because of me. Please, Shimada-san. I'm begging you." She pleaded in desperation at the end. She could hear that the sounds of the battle were getting louder. Her gut told her that it wasn't a good thing.

Shimada furrowed his eyebrows. His mouth drew into a tight line. But at last he gave a loud sigh and shook his head. "If you give me that look, I can't say no to it. Fine. You can go out. But, vice-commander Hijikata had directly commanded me to protect you personally. So if you are going out, so am I."

Chizuru nodded to Shimada's condition and gave him a brief smile, grateful for his cooperation and understanding.

They were running out from her room. Chizuru paused momentarily unsure of where to go. Shimada told her to go to one direction when suddenly she heard a strangled sound from the said man. Next she knew, Shimada flew several yards through the air then landed hard on the ground. He slid another few feet from where he landed and after that lay still, not moving at all.

"Shimada-san!" She screamed in horror, looking at the still man. Her body froze at the view. She tried to go to look at him but a voice stopped her.

"Where do you think you are going?" She felt a chill run through her body from that low-cold-flat voice. One name entered her mind as the owner of that voice.

'Kazama Chikage.'

In the same instant that Chizuru recognized the owner of the voice, she felt Kazama's arm snake around her neck, pulling her toward the oni. She struggled from his grip around her neck but his arms were as immovable as steel.

"Let me…go!" Chizuru said in a strangled voice, because of the grip around her neck.

"Hmph!" Kazama let out a sigh and said his next sentence arrogantly. "What sort of business do you still have with this false demon, huh? You as the pure Oni should not mingle around this fake Oni and humans, and get tainted with their impure minds. Especially around these Shinsengumi humans." His voice was like a cold breath in her ear. She could almost hear a sneer in his tone. "Come with me."

"Why do I have… to do… that?" Still in her strangled voice she asked the question to her capturer. She could feel that her strength was ebbing slowly.

"Because no matter how much you give to these humans, in the end they will betray you. Haven't you learn from what happened with the Yukimura clan? The humans betrayed and killed your whole clan. Your family. And with those abominations that you've seen they've created. What could you possibly hope to gain from them?"

"I…" Chizuru lost her words. The creation of Rasetsu was hardly something she approved of. But she wasn't officially part of the Shinsengumi. What right did she have to criticize their actions? Especially when the very concoction that allowed the Shinsengumi to create their 'false demons' had been created by her own father?

With that thought lingering in her mind, she could feel her consciousness was fading and her vision became black not long after. She had lost consciousness.

Kazama felt Chizuru's body go limp. He caught her and carried her in his arms, as gentle as he could be. He looked into Chizuru's face and a smirk was spread on his face.

He had accomplished his purpose of coming to this godforsaken place. It was time to depart. But first he had to meet his other Oni fellows that were still fighting with the Shinsengumi members and tell them to stop the meaningless fight. He didn't want to waste any more time than they should.

***

The fighting was fierce on the temple grounds. Even Sannan, the supposed-dead-man, had come out. He turned into a Rasetsu and fought with one of the oni, known as Amagiri Kyuju. The other oni was fighting with Harada.

"Shiranui, wasn't it?" Harada said while dodging the bullet shot by the said oni.

"Harada, huh?" The oni acknowledged the captain on the 10th squad of Shinsengumi.

"I'll be your opponent. Let's settle the previous unfinished battle, shall we?" Harada readied his spear to attack Shiranui.

Shiranui answered Harada's invitation with another shot. From then the two were engrossed with their battle.

The rest of the Shinsengumi members that gathered on the grounds could only watch the battle. They were waiting and also ready on the sideline and if they were needed they would assist the captain.

In the midst of that, a shadow emerged from the darkness followed by a voice.

"I have what I want. Let's go back."

All the heads turned to the voice and the fight was also stopped midway. The Shinsengumi captains' eyes widened when they saw who the voice belonged to and what he carried in his arms.

"Oi, oi," Shiranui drawled. "I'm not finished yet you know. Don't take the fun out of it."

"If we stay here for too long, these humans' stink might rub off on us." Kazama spoke in his haughty tone. "Besides, I'm here only to take this oni woman with us. There are no reasons for us to stay any longer." Shiranui was clicking his tongue but he didn't argue any longer with Kazama, while Amagiri nodded his head from the start.

"Hey! Let her go!" Harada blocked the three onis. The other members were standing behind him. Sannan stood beside Harada, his sword pointed to the onis.

"Stop right there!" A shout from other side was heard and with that came the running Hijikata. He was unsheathing his katana, the famous Izuminokami Kanesada, from its scabbard and ran to Kazama. He thrust his katana at the oni, but Kazama dodged it with a graceful move. He moved several steps back while dodging Hijikata's attack.

The intense glare sent toward each other was swirling between them.

There was a pillar near where Kazama stood. He put Chizuru down next to the pillar. "You dare turn your katana on me," Kazama took his katana from his scabbard on his waist. "How interesting."

Hijikata moved his stance, readied to attack. Kazama held his katana in his hand; his eyes glinted in menace toward Hijikata. "Let's play then."

That was the cue and their katana were against each other with a clanging sound.

"Ugh…!" Hijikata had to admit that Kazama really was a formidable opponent. Even though he used all his strength to attack and defend, he could feel the difference between their strength. Each attack from Kazama was so strong and his speed was on another level. It was not that he was slow, but his opponent was so much faster than him. He defended from the attack and he felt his arms getting heavier. Kazama was serious and if he didn't use all the power that he had, death was waiting for him in the end.

"Are you surprised with my strength?" Kazama said calmly in his haughty tone. "This is the true strength of an Oni. My true strength to be exact. You humans can't stand the true strength of Oni power. I guess play time is over. I will bring this woman to the place that she belongs to." He pointed the tip of his katana at the vice commander.

Chizuru eyes were flickering. She was regaining consciousness. Her head still felt a little bit dizzy. But she could hear the sound around her. And one voice caught her attention.

"She doesn't need to go to anywhere. Her place is here. She belongs here."

She heard the conviction in Hijikata's voice. And what she heard made her heart beat frantically. 'Hijikata-san…'

Kazama let out a sneering laugh. "You do realize that she isn't a human, don't you? She is an oni. You fools have no idea of her worth. She will become most valuable to us. Can't waste that on human like you."

Hijikata furrowed his brow, a piercing glare directed at Kazama. "I don't give a s**t about that. She's under our protection, the Shinsengumi. You won't have it your way. She will decide what she wants by herself. You can't force your will on her!"

Kazama narrowed his eyes. "I can't allow our kind to fraternize with those fakes . Especially a pure blood like her and myself. She will come with me and to be honest, I also don't give a s**t about all you humans."

With that Kazama leapt from his spot and he attacked Sannan in full force. Sannan didn't see it coming and he couldn't defend himself in time.

"Sannan-san!" Hijikata ran to Sannan and lifted his katana to slash Kazama. But before he could reach Kazama, the Oni let out a force that knocked him hard and made him roll a few feet away on the ground. His sword was released from his grip and was thrown out in the different direction. Chizuru watched the whole incident with bated breath. It seemed no one had recognized that she had regained consciousness.

"A-Agh…" Hijikata couldn't move his body. With hard effort he managed to stand, but even then he was stumbling in his stance. His head was spinning and his vision wasn't clear enough. When he could assess his surrounding, he realized that Kazama was on his way to attack him while he still tried to regain his composure. His hands still felt numb. He couldn't raise them to defend himself from the attack. He was bracing himself for whatever impact the Oni would give to him from the attack.

….But the attack didn't come.

Instead he was pushed by someone on his shoulder. He could hear a hiss sound come from the one that pushed him, indicating that this person received the attack instead of him. And to his, and Kazama's, surprise… It was Yukimura Chizuru.

"Yukimura!"

When Chizuru saw Kazama come at Hijikata to attack the vice commander, her body was moving on auto pilot. Without thinking she got up from her sitting position and pushed Hijikata away from the attack. Hijikata had rolled and stopped near where Chizuru was. The katana sliced her shoulder and fresh blood poured out from the wound.

"You…!" Kazama lost his words upon seeing Chizuru's action.

Hijikata fell to the ground when Chizuru pushed him. Both of them stared into each other eyes before Chizuru turned her body toward Kazama. She pulled out her kodachi from its sheath. With cold sweat running down on her back and shaking leg, she faced Kazama.

"Why would an Oni protect a human?" Kazama asked in a chilling voice, his eyes smoldering with cold fury. He was trying to repress the bubbling anger that arose from the previous incident. 'This woman… Why is she so stubborn?!'

"Even if I am an oni, that's not a reason to not protect someone that is dear to me. Please, leave this place." Chizuru’s voice was still hoarse, the after effect of Kazama strangling her neck previously. But she spoke in a steady and firm tone.

"Human and Oni can't live together. We are different from the humans." Once again Kazama let out a force that enveloped him and Chizuru. Their hair turned into white and their eyes turned into gold. Chizuru's wound was closing with inhuman speed and as if she had never received any wound, her supposedly bleeding shoulder was good as normal again. "See? We're different from them. You are not stupid enough to think that you can live together with them, are you? Your background history has already told you that you should not trust any human. You belong with us, Yukimura Chizuru."

"I….I…." Her hands were shaking. Her voice wasn't as sure as before. She couldn't counter what Kazama had told her. While it was the truth, she couldn't accept it as the whole truth. But she didn't have any proof to show it to him.

Suddenly she felt that her shoulder was being pulled gently and a strong arm was curling around it. Someone had taken her kodachi from her hand. That someone was the one that pulled and embraced her, and at the same time was catching and sheltering her. That someone was Hijikata. She gazed at the man that embraced her so tightly.

"You stand in the house of the Wolves of Mibu," Hijikata had gained his composure fully. "There are no humans in here in the first place!"

"Hijikata-san…." She spoke his name softly.

"I won't let you screw us over with a mere thought like that."

Several moments passed before Kazama retracted the force and he and Chizuru turned back into their human appearance.

"…You would choose a simple human, then?"

"I refuse to go with you. Please leave!"

Kazama stared back indifferently. Then he sheathed his katana. "How disappointing."

Shiranui and Amagiri were standing behind Kazama. They could feel that the battle was over.

"What a waste of time," Kazama turned his body and began to walk out from the compound. "We're leaving."

"Huh?" Shiranui let out a tired sigh. "You just do whatever you please, really." He clucked his tongue again, not pleased with how the events unfolded in the end. Still, he followed his fellow oni to walk out.

Amagiri bowed to the Shinsengumi before he followed the other two.

When he was only a few feet away from the gate, Kazama stopped and spoke his last words without turning. "Oni and humans can't live together in the same place. If you want to carry on that fantasy of coexisting in the same place and as you said, keeping her under your protection, then I will see you do it.

"But I can assure you that you will fail. And when that time comes, I'll get her. After all she's mine. And she doesn't belong to any of you mere humans."

After he said his cryptic words, they walked out of the compound and leap into the darkness.

Chizuru's body sagged with relief as the terrified energy of the last minutes quickly ebbed away. Hijikata could feel that Chizuru was leaning into his body. When he released his tight hold from Chizuru to see if she was alright, she fell to the ground. He didn't react fast enough to catch her. His muscles were screaming from the previous beating he took when he fought with Kazama.

Chizuru still could feel the warmth of his arm lingering around her body after he let go of her and her body dropped to the ground. And she knew that he was staring at her from where he stood. But for some reason, she couldn't turn and stare back at the man that had defended her with his life.

"Yukimu-,"

"TOSHII!" Kondou yelled to Hijikata and was running to his side, cutting off whatever Hijikata wanted to say to Chizuru.

"Kondou-san." Hijikata greeted Kondou and his demeanor had returned to the oni fukuchou of the Shinsengumi. His face was cold and hard. He left Chizuru while barking a command to look into the injury and the state of the rest of the members of the Shinsengumi.

Harada helped Chizuru to stand.

"You alright, Chizuru-chan?" asked the man with concern.

Chizuru nodded her head. But she didn't utter any words to state her well-being. It's like Harada could feel Chizuru's feelings. He just patted Chizuru's head and then walked away to where Hijikata had gone to.

After a few moments, she also walked in the direction the others had gone to, the infirmary. She would help Yamazaki in treating the injured members. While hoping desperately there wouldn't be a member that died because of the previous incident.

She knew that Sen had warned her of how she would feel. The feeling that had begun to grow inside her body since the beginning of the incident.

The guilty feeling that had slowly but surely begun to weaken her resolve.

And she didn't know if she could stand and hold the feeling any longer.

Her chest was tightening in a suffocating way. If she didn't maintain her composure, she knew that she would break down and maybe hyperventilate because of her guilty conscience.

She wanted to cry. To scream her heart out because of the agony of that guilty feeling.

….But at the same time. She had to be strong.

She didn't want the trust that he had given to her to disappear because of the fear and guilty feeling.

She wanted to show him that she was worthy of his trust.

She wanted to show him that she's someone that could be counted on.

She wanted to show him that his choice of letting her stay with the Shinsengumi was the right one.

In all, she didn't want to make him disappointed in her.

But the intense feeling inside her chest was hurting her from inside.

Not the first time that she had faced a thing like this. The confused feeling had clouded her mind before. But never had she felt so hopeless and defeated at the same time.

'What… do I have… to do….?'

To be continued

Note: This chapter is supposed to be one of the important scene that happen in the story. But somehow, it turned out to be so-so. I don't know why. Maybe because (I think) we already know what will happen for this part. I tried to input my thought in the story so it could sync with the main idea. But still... It didn't give much effect. That's what I feel.

Still, this is one of the turning point that Chizuru has to take. The decision of her staying with the Shinsengumi. And what that decision will bring. I have imagined this scene since I made the story. I really want to make this scene an epic one... But maybe I didn't.

Thank you for reading the story. See u on next chapter. :D

[upsmymindwanderedagain]

Story of The Ice Wolf

Part 12

OTHER PARTS:

PART 11    PART 10     PART 1

WARNINGS:  heavy stuff coming, mentions of explicit physical and psychological torture, blood, injuries, use of taser and electrocutions.

Hey fellas! My apilogies again for keeping you on the edge.

As always all mistakes are mine. By the way this is 8k+.

Someone tases you awake, the table in now in a vertical position you try to look around your jaw is hanging open, at the sight of the terrified technicians you are sure you are back in reality. The pain behind your eyes makes you want to rip them off, your head feels heavy, you can feel drool falling from your mouth (or is it blood? Who knows).

“Le-let her set a few days you can try by then, it’s been hours if we keep going you will give her an aneurism”.

---

(A two weeks later).

They try two more times, but now your mind is a mess, you’ve successfully managed to blur and made up scenarios, memories and alter missions, still you are sure that something slip through your subconscious, when they snap you out of the anesthetic they sport small smirks instead of their usual sullen scowls.

(Eye patch will kill me; would it be that bad though?)

---

(A week later).

The twins make their way to the outskirts of a Brazilian city they got a call from an ex-business partner, they arrive to an old abandoned factory, the guards guide them to his office.

“I’m actually surprised that you showed up, want something to drink?” The Belgian man motions towards a beer package.

“Cut the crap Klaue, you said you have intel, talk” Wanda coldly states eyes shining red.

“Or what? Will you play with my mind? I hope this time you don’t have a fucking psycho robot with you”.

“Keep wasting our time and I will chop off your other arm” Pietro says juggling his daggers.

Ulysses visibly pales a few shades “Very well, you know I don’t give a damn about Y/N, the bitch sold me out to king T’achaka…” the twins step closer threateningly, he rises his hand in surrender “But, we indeed did good business for many years”.

“What do you want?” Pietro asks face set in utterly exasperation.

“Keep S.H.I.E.L.D off my ass, the C.I.A is close too” he says eyes darting between the twins “So… who’s the boss now?”

“Talk” Wanda sternly says as energy dances on her hands.

He snickers a little “You are the older twin Pietro, now little witch runs the business?” he says laughing a little, Wanda sends a dagger towards his temple without moving a single finger, the tip of the dagger punctures softly the man’s forehead, he gulps nervously “A-A government agency moved her from here like three weeks ago…” before he can go on Pietro uses his speed to grab him by the collar and slam him against the metal wall, papers and things scattering around “wa-wait, wait let me finish, I-I called you as soon as I heard I-I swear” Pietro looks to his twin Wanda only nods “Go on” he doesn’t ease the hold “They were moving her to Raft… I don’t know what that is, but they are taking her there, that’s all regarding her location” Pietro lets him go and goes to Wanda’s side.

Ulysses is left coughing and panting on the floor, the twins turn around walking through the door to leave “Wait” the twins turn around “The agents were complaining about how much they beat her up with no success, she hasn’t talked since they took her… they said something about mind games. I’m sorry to say this but she might not comeback from that” he beings to rumble a small laugh “Like can you believe that? they might crack that fucking stone-cold bastard” he says with a hoarse snicker.

The twins keep their features schooled as they glance each other “We will do our part of the deal, call us if you know something else” Pietro says before he lifts Wanda bridal style.

---

(A three weeks later).

A heavy metal door is open two sets of boots echo in the room, a body is slumped forward no doubt the chains are the only thing keeping it from falling over. "Wolf" the person standing before the slumping body gently taps the latter in the face. "Come on Wolf, wake up". You head is heavy and pounding, ears ringing, you feel like dumped shit but you can hear someone calling you. "Come on Wolf". (Wolf? They never address me with my S.H.I.E.L.D code name) the voice sounds familiar, but you can’t match a name. You set your jaw you have no doubt a nasty headache will hit you full force when you open your eyes doing it anyways you are greeted by a quite familiar face. She nods towards someone, and you tense up "Hey, hey Wolf easy, the injection will help you, be quiet we are undercover" the woman whispers lowly. Your body gives up either way. "Drink this" A straw is put on your lips, you refuse at first, when you try to talk your voice sounds so foreign and is barely a broken hoarse whisper "Last time I drank something I threw up blood". "This will take the edge off. You know who I ‘am right?" she asks softly.  You blink the blurriness of your eyes, your voice sounds so foreign in your ears it sounds raspy and hoarse and the air that flows out of your mouth when you talk scratches the sensitive tissue “Ho-how could I forget your ugly mug Bob?” you start drinking the liquid, it has no taste, but the burning of your guts starts to sooth. You need to take little breaks while you drink “Sha-ron, is that you?” you murmur brokenly.

“Hey Wolf how did you know?” she briefly turns off photostatic veil too.

“Hun-ter would be hyper-verbal” you want to elaborate further but every word hurt. While you drink she leans on your left ear "We signaled the location, hold on" you end up the drink "The kid is alive and doing good with the others" you only manage to nod before the darkness envelops you once again.          

---

Tony, Steve, Bruce, Natasha and Bucky are waiting in the conference room when Coulson walks in "Avengers we have a special mission for you". "Shall I call the others?" Steve asks leaning in front. "No. This mission requires discretion, you are the chosen ones" he says with a tiny smile on his lips. Nat doesn't miss the tiny glee in Coulson eyes "We are retrieving Y/N" she says with a smirk. "Then you get why the discretion part is vital. We have two undercovers. You better hurry up to the awaiting quinjet" he states with a small smile.        

---

You are in the middle of a slashes session when the alarms go off all the personnel tenses you manage to hear some soldiers screaming “Hydra” (Fucking damn). If Hydra is here, you have a good idea of who might be and that’s far from good. Your voice is a hoarse sound “Hey! release me, if they get in here you can be sure as hell that you will lost the intel you handler wants”.

“Shut it Ice Wolf!” the man hisses, you can see the rest of the soldiers tensing up.

“Don’t be stupid do as I…” (They are dead) the agent taser you before you could rant further.

---

Your dark oblivion is awfully interrupted when you feel liquid filling your windpipe, the worst natural reflex kicks in, you can’t tell fake from real you try to breath in and more water gets in the trachea. Someone pulls your head out of the ice-cold water, leaving you a bloody coughing mess on a metal chair. You are still trying to even your breathing when someone presses a knife on your throat. A man talks in Russian "Oh right bitch they are sick of your silence, start talking or I'll gut you out" you spit blood on his face giving him a bloody smile. (A new face, one I thought I will never see again). Your voice is broken and husky "Don't mind me go ahead" you feel the edge of the blade retreating, he briefly moves away. You see him grip something from a metal table close by. "You stupid Ice bitch!" he hits you with an inch and a half rebar, the cling of the rebar against the metal of your chest hides the crack of the left clavicle the hit knocks you off the chair (shit no playing around anymore). This time no one pulls you off the ground the Russian cold face Sergeant gets close and digs his knee on your diaphragm, pressing your neck down with the same rebar "I have specific orders to kill you, you told them intel, two experimentation labs destroyed in Africa one in Asia. I thought I trained you better to keep your mouth shut soldat. Option A, serve again like an asset we won't beat you to death, option B the opposite to A". You give him a bloody smirk, your voice full of mockery "Now you do the dirty work? that’s low. Is your dog dead?” deep inside you are thrilling for the upcoming fight, you won’t go away that easy. "I'm waiting for your answer Ice Wolf" he spats at your face. Your voice becomes a deadly hiss "Know that when this is over, you will beg mercy to the twins". He gives you a nerve wreaking psychotic smile "I will make you howl Ice Wolf". "If I don't kill you first" Thanks to Bobbi you are high as fuck and up to some degree pain free, (time to kill) using all the strength you can muster you push him off you, you dodge the next swing of the rebar rolling to your right, doing a tight roll backwards you stand up to dodge again the rebar. They try to electrocute you again using the collar but you rip it off and throw it at one of the soldiers the electrical discharge takes him down, you grab other rebar from the steel table and start beating down the soldiers in the room, as the soldiers fall you snatch two hunting knives and begin painting the room in red. ---- *Stark tell me that you are close* Bobbi says with a ragged breath her voice cutting between gunshots. *We are ten minutes away, what's wrong?* Tony asks worriedly at the sound of the background. *Hydra is here, a fight broke out, Wolf is killing them but she won't be able to fight them all. We are fighting to back her up, but the prison guards and Hydra soldiers are keeping us at bay*. ---- You took down the soldiers in the room, Yuri lies of the floor with a wide gash on his temple, you made the mistake of not making sure if he was truly dead, is a rookie mistake but your sole focus is getting the hell out of there.

Your breathing is ragged and heavy, you got the handcuffs damaged during the fight using all the strength you can gather you smash them against your metal knee breaking them, you take two guns and the keycard to open the door. Once out you set up to run. Yuri pretends to be out cold, unknown to you he took a dose of the serum Salarov used when he had you under his command, after he hears you exit the room and gives orders through his comm "Soldats Catch the Ice Wolf”. ---- You are running through the hallways of the facility, is more like tumbling-limping through the halls the adrenaline has numbed most of your wounds, but still the dizziness are not helping you, the prosthetics are malfunctioning. You hear some fighting and gunshots but they aren't close to you so you go to the opposite direction wishing that you didn’t hallucinated Morse and Carter so you can lean on them to get you out of the place. You keep running until you reach an open space, a foyer like circle with five hallways you set to run ahead, when several agents block your way out, there’s at least twenty Hydra operatives, there’s two more with different uniform, you smirk at them “Soldats, long time no see or shall I say hi mom?”. "Traitor surrender, there's no place to go" the woman coldly states you catch the sight of the spider like dispositive on the right side of her head (that’s no good no chance to turn them against the others). You grind your teeth you wish your thoughts can reach the others (I'm sorry guys), standing on guard you let the Hydra operatives get close, when they are within your reach you begin the assault, you quickly take control of the rifle of one of the soldiers using him as human shield you fire against the rest. Sooner than later the man is riddled with bullets, not wanting to be burdened with a dead body you throw it at the pair of soldier who simply step out of the way. Unfortunately for you there’s two winter soldiers, in your current state they are stronger than you but they initially stand by just watching, after you kill ten of the reinforcements, the male winter soldier comes at you, you use his punches against the other operatives that are not fast enough to move out of the way of his punches and kicks, you do your best to keep up with the man, using your prosthetics as shields and landing a couple of good punches with your left fist and leg.

You know well their fighting methods, this past years you’ve adapted techniques that they never saw you using and you take advantage using a couple of muay thai combos, slip out of a right cross punch and land brutal roundhouse kick with your right leg cracking a few of his ribs sending him flying back, two operatives jump on you as the first bullet pierce your left leg making you partially kneel hissing in annoyance, the female soldier shot you on the back, still you manage to shoot down three more soldiers before you feel something pierce your lower back, you growl in pain and on a reckless move you throw yourself to stab the male soldat running towards you, the movement is reckless and even childish he doesn’t hesitate to plunge his knife above you’re the right side of your hip the steel clanging against the metal scales burying itself in the patch of skin between the hip and ribcage.

The man uses a front kick to send you stumbling backwards you hear one more gun shot that ends on the left side of your ribcage, you glance at the source of the bullets the woman is juggling a rebar mockingly before she swings it at you, you try to put up your right arm to block the weapon, but the rebar smashes the already damaged bionic limb, the rebar crashes on the right side of your skull the clang of the metal colliding resonates in the open space. Your body falls heavily on the left side skidding a little. Someone walks close to your fallen body; the last thing your blurry sight registers is the damned bright dark liquid. The soldiers take an arm each and drag you as they run to your former cell, leaving a bloody trail behind. Back in your cell they wasted no time using you as flesh dummy, punches, daggers Hydra style torture session inflicted by super soldiers and black serum running through the body, effective as hell. You are currently hanging from the shackles of your wrists; your ragged bloody clothes were torn apart revealing all this past months nasty handywork.

You are more unconscious than conscious, but Yuri is pacing around you like a predator, making you dizzy, he speaks in Russian “Is such a shame that you betrayed us after all Y/N. You were our best weapon, the best winter soldier we ever had… offspring of two bloodthirsty assassins, even now you should be dead and you still breath” he lets a defeated sigh “I almost feel bad for killing my favorite fight dog, but we need to send a message…”.

"The Avengers are here sir" the male winter soldier states. "Damn it, chain her back to the wall, let's use her as leverage". Yuri wipes off the blood running down a large gash on his forehead, product of your now smashed bionic limb. You are deadweight when they envelop you in heavy chains and prompt you back to the wall. ---- Steve, Nat, Bucky and Tony are rushing alongside Bobbi and Agent 13 towards the cell indicated by F.R.I.D.A.Y. "Morse you were supposed to keep an eye on her" Tony growls at the named woman. "This is not time to point fingers at Tony" Steve states. The first place they run by is the interrogatory room, the only thing left were the dead soldiers. A full carnage and butchery. "What the hell is this?" Tony asks lifting his suit face piece, eyes widen in shock he gets nauseous at the sight. "'This is the real Ice Wolf for you Stark" Bucky says somberly. "Oh lord” Tony gags at the carnage the scene looks like a horror movie, blood splattered and smeared around, bodies and body parts everywhere “But she is not here". "There is barefoot prints" Nat says, the trail of blood and a quick swift for you told them your current location. *Mr. Stark there is a group of retreating agents running out of the base, there's another group three people, a fourth one with vitals fading, located on a cell west side* They hurry towards the cell, Tony blasts the lock, then Steve and Bucky are the firsts to rush in the others following in suit, Yuri have his gun leaning on your head. It's quite the view, you are slumping forward surrounded by several heavy chains the only clothes left are the sports bra and the spandex shorts, the small patches of skin visible have already darkening bruises, blood is slipping through the links of the chains, making a pool on the floor. His two soldats stand by each side of your body, their daggers crossed by each side of your throat the sharp edges between the almost nonexistent space between the chains and your underjaw, both sport the spiderlike dispositive they used on you.

Bucky has his rifle pointing at the sergeant cold-stone face “Yuri, drop the gun” his voice is low and full of rage.

He answers on a heavily accented English “Look at her Winter Soldier, I will be making her a favor. The American government did good job, she was dying anyway” he states with a wide smirk “Besides is up to the handler to dispose rogue dogs, she is no longer wanted on Hydra’s ranks”.

“Drop the gun or I’ll make a whole on your chest” Tony deadly sneers as his energy repulsors shine brightly.

Yuri keeps a smug calm face “I’ll give you a deal, me and my soldats walk out of here and you can try to save her”.

“There’s no deal drop the fucking gun” Tony sneers the answer repulsors shinning brighter.

“Stark you don’t need to be a genius to know that the energy blast won’t reach me before the bullet blows her grey matter” he pokes your head with the gun barrel “And seems like Quicksilver is not here nor the Scarlet Witch, you made a grave mistake leaving them behind”.

*Mr. Stark I would suggest you let them go, miss Y/N is in critical condition*

Tony lifts his face plate “Get the fuck out here” Yuri smirks in triumph, he pokes you one last time with the gun before holstering it, Nat and Steve move ahead weapons down as Yuri walks out first but the soldiers press harder the edge of their daggers on each side of your throat making an ‘X’, unfaced Yuri walks to pass beside Tony who halts him with his left arm, Tony doesn’t take his eyes off of you “Not today, not tomorrow, but I can assure you, we will hunt you Yuri, you will pay for this”.

“Good luck Stark” he says mockingly. He leaves the room first after he is out the soldiers follow him.

---- Even the effort of thinking hurts, you might be delirious, but you could swear you heard Tony's suit. Your foggy mind registers two sets of boots getting close. The only thing that Nat can muster is "fuck" as she and Steve get closer "Tony we need you to cut off the chains" the red head calls. They try to move you, prompting you to hiss in agony, your automatic response is to try to flinch away from the people around you but your attempts are in vain the heavy chains keep you still. “F.R.I.D.A.Y hack all the devices, I want all the footage and data available”.

*Already in process sir*

Tony walks close to you and gently calls "Robowolf we need to cut off the chains" you might be hallucinating, is like Tony is talking to you. You feel someone caressing softly your face, way to gentle to be the soldiers that were beating you down before. The sound you can muster is barely a broken breathy whisper "who?". "It's us Y/N. Nat, Steve, Bucky and Tony, damn even Morse and Sharon are here, is a party" the read head softly says. The gargling blood and wheezing makes it hard to talk but you manage a weak laugh "Hey...took you… long enough... I was dying of boredom" they try to smile at your sass, but they end up making a bitter gesture. "Robowolf this will hurt" Tony nervously says. "Tell me… something new... Aah!" a long with the metal being broken by one of Tony’s lasers a gargled scream echoes in the silent room, something crunches when the shackles are broken. Bucky can’t will himself to get close, so he goes to guard the entrance, Steve and Tony hold you with ease and lower you down as Bobbi and Carter get close to help, they start to carefully take off the chains from your body, this time you don’t bother holding back your screams and hisses of pain. Bruce rushes past Bucky who barely have time to move aside, the man quickly kneels beside you with a medical suitcase at hand. "Bruce we told you to stay back" The billionaire says half scolding half relieved that Bruce is now there. "F.R.I.D.A.Y updated me on her vitals, we have no time to loose". They don't need to be a doctors to realize that your time is running out, your body temperature dropping down from being extremely hot, you are clearly several pounds down of your normal weight, the bionic limbs stand out for their bulkiness against your flesh limbs, Bruce rushes to attach several portable monitors. When they remove the chains from your neck, the thin tube in your neck is shown. "Is that an I.V?" Steve asks in disbelief, the skin surrounding the tube is angry red and swollen.  Bruce only nods and uses it to inject some serums in the hopes of help your enhanced recovery ability he takes your face between his hands, your eyes shifting between being alert and dull "Hey Y/N, Tony will carry you to the quinjet, I need you to stay awake". You give him no answer, the amount of pain you are take you back to the day you almost got blown away you just want the twins, Wan can sooth your pain “Wa-Wanda… Wan… Piet…” your words start slurring as your mind starts to shut off “Let’s take her to the quinjet” Bruce states with rare display of authority.

--- Everyone is back in the quinjet Bruce doing his best to keep you alive, slowly the blood escaping your body begins to stain the floor, Natasha, Bobbi and Carter are helping him. Bruises, slashes, bullet grazes and gun shots cover your body. They might be succeeding in beating you to death.

Tony is updating dr. Helen and sending all the data F.R.I.D.A.Y recovered from raft “Tony you need to hurry to the compound, T’achalla indeed has better technology than us, but there’s no way that she is going to make it to Wakanda… the best choice is stabilizing here then take her there to heal”.

---

Dr. Cho is ending the call when Anika comes barreling through the glass door, if Stark didn’t invest as much is high quality strong materials the doors would have shattered “Helen! Why the hell aren’t they here yet?!” the girl says in a mix of exasperation and annoyance. Helen jumps a little in surprise but keeps working on the data sent by F.R.I.D.A.Y and the actualizations Bruce is sending in live stream.

“They are flying towards here, is not that they can teleport” the woman says as she briefly eyes the anxious girl.

“They can’t but I can. F.R.I.D.A.Y show me their location” one of the screens show a map with the quinjet still in the middle of the ocean and images of the general context

“Anika don’t do reckless things, you can’t teleport to somewhere that far nor somewhere you don’t have a clear image of” the doctor briefly grasp the girl bicep trying to keep her in place.

“I won’t sit here and wait for them to bring her on a bag, get your equipment ready” the girl shrugs the other woman hand and closes her eyes trying to picture the location as her wings morph out of her back.

“Anika don’t!” She vanishes, the twins rush in Pietro and Wanda glance around “Where is she?” the brunette asks, Helen sighs in annoyance and hurries to organize her team “She went for Y/N”. The twins lock worried glances.

---

As soon as the call is over a hologram shows up in the middle of the quinjet. "Stark why the fuck is no one answering. Where is Wolf and the others?" "Nick… Y/N is in critical, Hydra got in before we arrived" Tony answers with a scowl, Steve is standing by a deep frown set on his face. Fury mirrors the other two men expressions and his features darken, Maria’s features shift quickly from surprise to stern anger "Agent Hill, find out how".  "Right away sir" the woman answers as she moves out of the picture. "Have you notified the twins?" The man asks as his hands travel to his hips. "Yes, they are worried sick. We are going as fast as we can, the twins should be there by now”. ---- After Fury's call Bucky walks to Natasha’s side she is trying to keep inside the blood oozing from the bullet in your ribcage, he starts helping too. He notices the absent gaze in her partner "Tasha?”

Her voice is low, a mixture of anger and frustration “We should have been faster Bucky, this asshole has saved us many times and we failed”.

He grimly nods “Is not too late yet, she can pull through this is no overstatement that she was the strongest out of the winter soldier program, she survived being literally half blown away”.

“Your words aren’t comforting frosty” Tony bitterly says as he hands Bruce the nano spray that Peter developed, the spray manages to seal the wounds.

Before they can try anything else Anika appears in the middle on the quinjet besides Tony, the man jumps aside in freight his right hand clutching his chest “You little wing-ed hell, how and what are you doing here?!”.

She is clearly out of breath and answers between pants “I’m here for a ride back” she sass as she tries to catch her breath “You are taking ages, is next month better for you?” she says as she walks close to the gurney where you lay unconscious, her eyes get watery but she mask it with a snarky comment “Damn it Wolfy you don’t look sexy anymore” she says with a tiny bitter smile.

The girl moves to stand by your hips using her wings to keep the other four away and takes several deep breaths, Bruce tries to interfere “Anika what are you…?”  when she vanishes everything is gone, gurney, you and the medical equipment attached to you. “F.R.I.D.A.Y! where the hell is the kid?!” Tony asks worried the A.I doesn’t answer right away, after a few tense seconds she answers *She is in the medical area of the compound sir. Dr.Cho is taking over*.

All of them breath in relief, before they can scatter around Anika appears again in the middle of the quinjet she looks around to find her targets “Fossils come here, Wolfy needs blood” she hurries to grab Steve and Bucky by the back of their clothes “Anika what the…” Bucky tries to protest but she vanishes again.

Sharon and Bobbi share confused looks “Is that normal?” Bobbi muses with a confused expression, the others just shrug.

*Miss Anika most of the time steps out of line miss Morse but she is good intended* F.R.D.A.Y answers.

“Well that’s not what I meant, I meant calling out names”.

“That’s normal too” Natasha says with a small smirk. ---- [72 hours later] Wanda, Pietro and a very pregnant Zrinka with seven months already are sited outside the I.C.U room, your body still too weak and fighting off the infection. Bucky and Anika were called in for an audience. Deputy Director Maria Hill walks in and silently stand beside them. Pietro is the first to break the silence "The last time we saw her so broken and attached to that much equipment was when Hydra captured us the second time" Pietro softly says his eyes never leaving your broken body, his face is stern, but his eyes fail to conceal the rage storm thundering inside, Zrinka is softly rubbing circles on the back of his left hand. Wanda who is sitted by Zrinka’s left side is no better, her face is stern, the rage within her makes her eyes constantly shift between dark green and bright red. Maria silent swallows a little before she speaks "The general was given five years of domiciliary arrest, the agents where condemn to jail too. We are keeping a close eye on the Hydra sergeant and his people… unless you want to visit him" Hill states standing by Wanda’s side, arms crossed. The brunette sokovian doesn’t take her eyes off of you "Keep him under the radar, that is Y/N's right to kill, if… if she doesn’t make it through we won’t hold back" Wanda states, the prospect of you not pushing through seems so foreign and yet plausible at the same time. Hill only nods and proceeds to sit close by the brunette’s side "Y/N, Bucky and the kid are free from charges" she dutifully states before reaching out to squeeze the sokovian’s hand softly, Wanda turns to smile softly at Maria and leans her head on the woman’s shoulder.

“She will push through this Wanda, that bastard is way to stubborn to go away without spoiling root her nephew” the three sokovians snicker softly at Hill’s remark. ----

Tony is currently trying to contact Shuri through a video call, Shuri’s cheerful face shows up in the hologram “Hey Mr.Stark what can I do for you?” upon noticing Tony’s somber expression she schools a little her features “Mr.Stark is something wrong?”.

“Shuri could you give me a line with T’achalla? We have a serious problem, we need your help”.

She looks suspiciously at Tony’s seriousness “Sure give me a second” she fiddles a little with her bracelet to contact the king… after a couple of seconds he picks up “Shuri I hope this is important I was in the middle of… Hello Stark, what can I do for you?”.

Tony tries to school his features but his worried eyes are enough to tell that something is wrong “T’achalla we need your help, Y/N is in critical condition, Banner and dr.Cho doubt she will survive with our technology, our best chance is with your help”.

“What in the name of Bats happened? Wasn’t she under government jurisdiction?” He muses “Shuri, make the arrangements please” Shuri only nods and hurries to assemble the medical team.

[Five days] The twins and Anika have been a constant outside the compound I.C.U room, Banner, Cho and T’ahalla’s best doctors are monitoring your vitals, wounds and surgical incisions, your body is a mess and is not healing at its usual fast rate the malnutrition you suffered during your captivity and the chemicals your captors used to keep you under control now mixed with the black serum are making everything slower and dangerously normal.

The medical team lost you a couple of times during the multiple surgeries, you flat lined four times already, leading you to sport mini pads that keep your heart beating constant, this time your bionic limbs and connector plates had to be completely dismantled and discarded, the circuits and components were useless, Shuri made a temporary textile caps that now replaces the metal scales and protect your organs.

The riskiest emergency surgery was the craniotomy with open surgery, the rebar swing you took to the head did quite the amount of damage the metal plate and the upper part of your skull where removed to avoid more damage due to the swelling of the brain. Anika is snuggled between the twins her long wings surrounding them. The wolves are lying at their feet belly down and alert their ears shifting at the minimum sound. The medical team walk out of your room. Upon their exit Wanda is the first one to ask as she wipes out from tears threatening to fall "How is she?". Banner is the one who tries to take the lead in the explanation "The-the infection is starting to back off but...” she fiddles with his glasses, Cho sees his uneasiness and goes on for him “she slipped into a coma, her nervous system was under constant overdrive with the electrocutions, and she has a severe concussion, it's matter of time and up to her to wake up. The last beat down she took caused a lot of damage". "Can't you give her more serum? I can go back to the old security house, Salarov had several doses there" Anika hurries to say. "That's not wise kid, besides her body is frail, it won't stand the strain of that makeshift serum” Baner says as he fiddles with his glasses. Frustration takes over the girl features "So, we just sit here doing nothing?" she muses anger filling her voice. Dr. Cho beats Banner to answer, "Anika we already did everything we could for her, Princess Shuri and Stark are working in new bionic limbs, Y/N is way too stubborn and strong if someone can pull through this is her". The sass on the younger girl’s face is quite evident but she doesn’t talk back. "We will grant you access when her body gets stronger, don't sneak in again Anika, F.R.I.D.A.Y is watching you". The twins turn their heads towards Anika raising a quizzical eyebrow, she only shrugs in answer, she indeed sneaked in last night. ---

After a week the twins and the others were granted access, due to the fragil state of your body they weren’t allowed to crowd the room. The two persons sticking by your side most of the time were Wanda and Pietro, the wolves by default were guarding you sometimes inside the room sometimes outside.

Pietro was usually kicked out by Wanda sending him to be with Zrinka even though Zrinka didn’t mind that the male twin stays with you, she knows how much you mean to him and even for her you’ve always been that person to look up to.

Costel was the one having a hard time coming to therms with the image of you bed ridden with tubes, machines and things attached to your body, he has never seen you like that, sure he has seen you hurt but never like this. By the other hand Anika is not astonished by the situation, however that doesn’t mean she is ok with it, she hates seen you like that. She hates seen Wanda hurting, Pietro is not bantering like usual, Zrinka looks sad. As much as she wants to deny it the twins, Zrinka and Costel have become her family.

With the team things are a little mixed, everyone is angry the ones that were tasked with retrieving you are bitter. Bucky and Nat wanted revenge right away however the twins halted them alleygating that the revenge is yours, not theirs. If you didn’t wake up, then as a team they will lay waste on Yuri but not before. Tony fell on a guilty trip again, he is blaming and over thinking the ‘what ifs’ luckily for him Pepper read him like an open book and has been helping him through alongside Wanda, who has calmed his racing mind several times.

After doing a technical stop on the compound common room for some tea, Wanda is making her way back to the hospital ward when she comes across Pepper who is in casual clothes sweatpants, Stark Industries tee and sneakers, her body language and face is a mix of worry and exasperation, she stops the older woman by simply stepping on her path “Hey Pepper is everything alright?”.

“Yes, I’m just looking for Tony F.R.I.D.A.Y told me he was in the lab” her voice fails a little to conceal Wanda’s suspicions.

“He is overthinking and blaming himself” she simply states, Pepper just sighs in defeat and relief that someone else has seen through Tony’s antics “Yeah”.

“Mind if I help?” the brunette asks.

“If is not bother, I know you want to be by Y/N’s side” Wanda smiles softly at Pepper and goes with her.

Pepper tries to get in, but the access is denied “F.R.I.D.A.Y open the door please”.

*My apologies Mrs. Potts, Mr.Stark has requested that the door remains closed*.

Wanda gives Pepper a small smirk before Pietro slides to a halt beside his twin, Pepper yelps softly in surprise “Pietro I swear one of this days you’ll give me a heart attack, and don’t you dare to say you ‘didn’t see that coming?’ I swear” the woman says as she clutches her chest.

“What you said is enough” Pietro says with a smirk “What’s going on?”

“Do you mind opening the door?” Wanda says playfully, Pepper just looks at her in disbelief “What are you…”

Pietro simply shrugs and goes to the touchpad panel, using his speed he gives F.R.I.D.A.Y no chance to stop the overwrite of codes, and the door opens he silver haired man makes sure to interrupt the speakers in the lab before motioning the other two women to walk through.

“Is there anything else I need to know about you three, are you a secret engineer or something Pietro?” Pepper muses.

“Actually, Mechanic and some engineering, I always wanted to build things” he says with a shrug, the blonde just shakes her head in amusement.

When they step in the lab Tony is working on some formulas, there’s several holograms of brain structure, there’s several notes sprawled around and several empty pots of coffee and bags of junk food.

“Well If I didn’t know better I’d say you are trying to build a new super soldier serum” Pietro says with way too much sass, and he actually gives Tony a good scare who was nose deep reading some notes.

“What in the bloody hell are you doing here speedster?!” Tony says clutching his chest and glaring at Pietro, before he rants further he notices the other two women he calms down his racing heart “F.R.I.D.A.Y what’s the meaning of this?” the A.I doesn’t answer “F.R.I.D.A.Y?”.

Pietro moves to one of the screens, Tony tries to stop him “What do you think you are doing Maximoff?” the silver haired man just rolls his eyes and restores the codes and F.R.I.D.A.Y’s talking interface.

*My apologies Mr. Stark, Mr. Maximoff over run the lock code*.

“Yeah I figure that, is there like anything else under your sleeve? Secret MIT degree, super technological enterprise” he turns to regard the brunette sokovian “and you Wanda are you a psychologist, best seller author, secret introvert musician like SIA was?” the twins just snore at his rant shaking their heads in disbelief as Pepper just sighs in annoyance.

“The hacking and spying skills are just Hydra’s standard training for super soldiers or in our case enhanced” Wanda says.

Tony gets visibly uncomfortable at the mention of Hydra “Well nice chat, got a lot to do” he walks towards Pepper “Honey why are you here? Shouldn’t you be resting?”.

“Says the man that hasn’t sleep in five days” Pietro says out loud.

Tony briefly turns to regard the sokovian “Don’t you have somewhere else to be speedy? Adults talking you know” Tony says glaring at him as he motions with his hand between Pepper and him, Pietro rolls his eyes and moves to look around Tony’s work.

“You now what Stark… this guilt trip won’t bring her back, burning out yourself trying to find a faster way to wake her up won’t help you get rid of the guilt you are drowning in” Pietro says with an uncharacteristically serious demeanor and sober tone as Tony argues with Pepper.

“Excuse me?” the billionaire says abruptly cutting off his discussion with his wife “You heard me” Pietro says as he fiddles with the 3D projections of the new prosthetics, Wanda just watches the scene she knows that Pietro is pushing Tony’s buttons.

“What makes you think I’m doing this out of a guilt trip, Y/N… your sister is lying in comma in my medical ward not even Wakanda tech can bring her mind back, she is an Avenger and as my employee I’m trying to find a way to help her”.

“And you know she needs to be in comma to let her body heal, why the hurry? Why can’t you work this in normal hours?” Pietro says inquisitively as Pepper frowns.

“What’s your point Pietro?” Tony says walking closer to the silver haired man in his argument he didn’t see nor feel Wanda looking in mind.

“We aren’t blaming any of you Tony, certainly not you, you’ve done all in your power to help Y/N and we are grateful for that” Wanda says as she walks close to put her hand on Tony’s shoulder, when he turns around he sees her eyes still shining red.

Tony knows better than to keep denying after Wanda read his mind “Why don’t you blame us?… blame me? How can you two be so calm and not seek revenge right away?”.

“We have learnt to see the bigger picture Tony” Pietro says looking into Tony’s eyes. “Pietro” Wanda tries to cut him off.

“No, no by all means Pietro where is this wisdom coming from?” Tony says crossing his arms, Pepper just chatises him with a “Tony” but Wanda nods at his twin.

“I saw our sister being almost blown away, we saw Hydra keeping her alive to make her a weapon, we saw her being prodded like she was a thing to make her ‘useful’ to Hydra’s goals…”

“We heard her scream in agony during all the procedure, the times there was silence we even wished she was dead, so her agony will end…” Wanda interferes her lower lip trembling as she tries to keep her cool demeanor Pepper just gives her a bittersweet smile as she reaches to squeeze her hand. Pietro goes on for her twin as he half hugs her “We know what people is capable. But the only thing we’ve seen these past years here is kindness, comradeship, you guys have been doing everything to keep her alive and with no further interest”.

Wanda manages to keep her emotions in check to go on “Of course we don’t blame you Tony or any of you. We knew this could happen since the moment we turned our backs to Hydra. The sole training and years serving their ranks was enough to foreshadow what could happen to any of us”.

Tony is looking at them with pure disbelief, but he shakes his head a little “You three are something” Tony moves to walk between the twins to slump on his chair “After we broke her free from Salarov’s control and I was helping her with her limbs she told me not to blame myself that it was her choice and her actions what made her fall on their grasp again…”.

“And she meant it” Wanda cuts him off.

Tony sighs as he hangs his head backwards “then I couldn’t keep her away from being sentenced”.

“That was a trap Tony, one way or another she would have end up in that position” Pietro says.

Tony starts jiggling Pepper is about to scold him but she sees the twins giving Tony a small smirk “What is wrong with you people? What’s the funny part?” the woman muses exasperated.

Between jiggles Tony manages to say, “That the twins from hell won’t let me mope around, they just rip away every chance to blame myself”.

Wanda’s eyes shine red as red energy dances around Tony’s head, she calms his racing mind and negative thoughts giving him a sense of inner peace and forgiveness regarding all this mess. After she hears him breathing in and out she breaks the link.

“Now go to sleep Tony, you won’t be useful for anyone falling on a cardiac arrest” Wanda half orders, Tony just smirks at her “Is this how you keep robowolf under control? Bossing her around eyes shinning red”.

“She uses the trick to boss her into other things too” Pietro says casually earning him a good punch on the shoulder “Ouch”.

Morse and Carter usually come by the compound, even when they don’t say it out loud they feel guilty too. But Wanda and Pietro called in a meeting on the main conference room and made them stop their pity parties. It has been three months since you fell in comma, with the care of the medical team your body looks stronger and yet lean, making really odd the sight of your body lying on the hospital bed, most of the wounds left new scars other vanished without a trace. The top ‘lid’ of your skull is back on place and with Helen’s work it leaved no trace that it was once removed.

Two months ago, your little nephew finally came to greet everyone, nevertheless to say the whole team was ecstatic by the new member. Pietro and Zrinka named him after the twin’s father Fedor. The wolves were more than happy with the tiny human, they usually felt torn about being by your side and being with the human pup that smell alluring and needed protection… but you needed protection too, so they spend the day running and hitching rides between the Avengers Tower and the Compound, usually one of them stayed with you at the compound, while the other stayed in the tower, most of the time it was Orion who stayed by Wanda’s side.

Pietro was absolutely happy and thrilled by the arrival of his baby boy but in the back of his mind he couldn’t help the constant thought of wishing you would wake up soon. Naming the boy after his father was a way of honoring the man but also was kind of a bittersweet reminder that their parents weren’t alive anymore… then the train of thought of all you did to keep them safe and even more now that you aren’t awake to snap him out of his racing mind with a “I did it, I got the scars, get off your ass”.

Anika spend her free time teasing the silver haired man to no end calling him “sexy papa” and Costel never hesitated on joining the teasing but he wasn’t out of the danger, the girl is always teasing him about being Pietro’s first born due to their close relationship. However, when she is not glued to the twins side or breaking havoc around the compound she is with Zrinka and mini speedster.

--- Wanda and Anika are standing behind the glass wall. You are lying flat in the medical bed a woman has medium sized magnets over your energy meridians. "Wan…are you sure that's going to work?" she asks with absolutely doubt in her speech. "Well, we lose nothing trying, Tony said she is the best in acupuncture and magnet therapy, the body has energy, her nervous system was overdriven, this can help to put it back in balance". Anika turns around to look at Wanda’s profile "Have you tried getting in her head? I'm sure the wolves have". She brunette grinds her jaw a little as she nibbles her thumb fingernail "No, I've never tried it in someone in coma, I rather not risk it". After almost two hours the woman exits the room, "Miss Maximoff we can make a couple more sessions, however this session is enough. I will advise you all begin interacting with her, your telepathy can be helpful bringing her mind back". "Thank you". --- Five days later your body started breathing on his own, prompting a little scare to Pietro who has softly playing some tunes on his acoustic bass when you started choking in the machines and tubes that were helping you breath before. Banner and the med team hurried in and took off the tubes, once done your body eased back. Pietro is hovering over your with worry written his face "Bruce is she alright?!". Bruce gives him a small smile in reassurance "Calm down Pietro she is fine, her body just reacted to the equipment, she is breathing on her own now" the scientist says with a small smile. Nevertheless to say the hole team was happy with the news, this was a step closer to you waking up. --- Your now six close human family members and the wolves were even more reluctant to leave your side, now that you were breathing on your own you were moved to your room in the Avengers Tower, Your family only left you for training, missions and getting food, Costel joined the sleep overs. Pietro and Zrinka slept in their room with little Fedor, but they were more than alert for any change they were quite eager for you to wake up.

The next one who got a good scare was Anika while twins were on a mission, she was softly practicing in the guitar some chords and scales that the twins had taught her, but she couldn’t focus at all "Come on Wolfy you gotta wake up, you owe me a rematch… Wanda told me you are a better guitar player than them... Please just wake up" a tear runs down her cheek she doesn’t bother wiping it off, she keeps playing on until she gets startled when the sound of your metal fingers grazing the bed sheets reach her ears, she puts the guitar down and hurries to grab your left hand. "F.R.I.D.A.Y call dr.Cho" "Right away miss". "Come on Y/N it's wakey time" Your metal arm keeps shifting on under the sheets, the metal scales of your limbs moving aleatory. When dr. Cho came in your metal limbs were moving less, but the hand being held in Anika's gave her a faint squeeze, Helen made a quick check-up but still you didn't wake.

Helen didn’t let Zrinka enter the room due to the risk of you waking up and lashing out. After her checkup your movements had eased "I'll notify the twins upon their return. It’s time Wanda tries with telepathy, Y/N's neuronal activity scans are normal, and her body is completely healed"

"The only thing I got was the Wolfy might wake up and Wanda needs to stop being a pussy".

"In your own words that's the translation" Helen muses.

"Are you calling me dumb?" Anika asks her voice challenging.

"You played yourself kid" the doctor deadpans, Zrinka who is standing by the door did her best to hide her jiggles, Anika only glares at her.

---

[later that same day]

Wanda was alone in the room with your still unconscious self. She was lying by your left side, snuggling close to you "Come on babe you need to wake up, we miss you... I need you" she leans in to kiss you softly above the left eyebrow “I’m so, so sorry Y/N we failed you, we didn’t get you before Yuri”.

As she leans down you rest her forehead on your temple, bitter tears start running down her cheeks, some of the tears drip down her chin to damper your cheeks "Y/N/N I need you, not just as my girlfriend, you are my friend, my family, without you my home is broken" she peeks you softly in the lips as tears keeps running down her face. Unknown to the others she is being trying to tap in your mind, but you have your mind blocked.

---

I don't know if I'm asleep or dead, the pain feels so real, the stink of blood, infected wounds and lack of shower have make me reek a few times already. Time is an illusion. I've screamed no one came. Did they left me to root?

---

I'm not sure if I'm dead or alive, sometimes I see us back at Sokovia, sometimes in Hydra cells, other times we are back in my days as Hydra captain... Am I living o re-living? I could swear I hear Wanda talking to me, she sounds sad… I… just want to hold her.

A/N:

Hey fellas! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, I’ll stop making promises, I’ve been awful keeping them, so I’ll just try to post weekly.

Holy shit now there’s 76 of you following my brain rant?! that’s awesome. Thank you to everyone who follows this blog, that give a like and/or reblog the chapters and stuff I put here, tank you too to the ones that just past by.

Have a nice weekend guys!

[singingpeople]

Undoing

Chapter 4

'Cause you know the truth hurts But secrets kill Can't help thinkin' that I love it still Still here, there must be something real 'Cause you know the good die young But so did this And so it must be better than I think it is Gimme those eyes, it's easy to forgive

-       Hopeless 

@pathybo @beautifulramblingbrains @tigpooh67 @jojuarez26 @iammarylastar @bookwarm85 @lets-play-truth-or-dare @deepfrz @carefultheyspit @feminamortem @mom2reesie @kellieabro @lauraaan182 @you-wont-let-me-let-you-go @beltz2016 @tomarisela @frecklefaceb

The first week went by without another disaster, fast but somehow dragging at the same time. My days always looked the same: get up early, take a shower after Marcus left the house, then breakfast at the headquarters. After doing the dishes, we´d get our assignment for the day, the boys performing physically more demanding tasks like helping a member build a new house or shelter for the factionless while we girls helped the woman do their laundry in huge tubs, rubbing until our hands were raw or patching up clothes until my fingers were bleeding. At least I learned now how to sew.

My favorite task by far was watching the little children when their parents had to leave. Of course, I liked the little ones most, the toddlers and infants who were still child enough to be allowed to laugh and cry – not like the older ones that liked to stare at walls for fun.

They honestly frightened me.

 After lunch came the time I dreaded most, hurrying back to the house, having less than an hour to make sure it was immaculate before reporting to Marcus´ office where I served the worst part of my punishment – spending time with him.

Luckily, we weren’t alone most of the time, the other members of the council sitting together with him in a slightly larger conference room while I was either taking notes or was sent away, the topic not meant for my ears. Every time this happened I was torn between the happiness of leaving the stifling room and regret that I wouldn’t be able to hear what they were discussing.

Even when Marcus let me participate he sent me home over an hour earlier to prepare dinner, a huge disaster for someone who had never even laid hand on a spatula, claiming that he wanted to have at least one meal at home, with my company of course. This half an hour was the worst of the day, sitting opposite of him with no topic to talk about. I was relieved every time he dismissed me, letting me do the dishes before I was allowed to go to bed, staring up at the ceiling until sleep took me, completely exhausted from the day.

The next morning everything started again and again and again…

An endless, tiring circle of hard work and sleep.

But not today.

 Today, it was Sunday and like all good stiffs, Marcus insisted I would accompany him to the early service, starting at 6 am followed by a big breakfast, which surprisingly for once included fresh fruits from the Amity farm.

The worship was strange, having never attended one, all the kneeling, standing up and reciting lines confused me and by the time it was over, I was literally starving. To my astonishment, Benjamin fit right in here, maybe a little too cheerful to be Abnegation but it seemed that the peace serum had finally worn off leaving him as happy but more conservative.

 Susan and most of the other initiates were also here. I had neither spoken to her nor accepted her apology, my nature wasn’t to forgive easily. Especially if her betrayal could have made me factionless – something I´m sure would have blown up my deal with Max.

Not wanting to appear as a loner, which I had never been, but also wary of the people around me I took a seat beside Benjamin who chatted lightly with the other boys mostly staying quiet, just enjoying the for once not tasteless fruit as I piled my plate with apples and strawberries.

 I was barely finished when Marcus approached and told me to follow him. I complied an uneasy feeling in my guts, quietly fearing I had done something wrong again.

Turns out I hadn’t.

It was worse.

 Ushering me into the one car that was owned by abnegation, only a little notebook and pen in my hand we were chauffeured through the city, towards the hub where a leader meeting would be held as Marcus informed me gratefully. Staring at him, I felt myself pale. This wasn’t a meeting more like my personal hell. Not even Andrew Prior´s comforting smile managed to make me feel calmer, my heartbeat racing uncomfortably in my chest.

Two leaders who condemned me to a life as an outcast, one who despised me so badly he kept me under his watch for 24/7 to make sure I didn’t fuck his faction up and my Ex-boyfriend who I´d left without any warning before literally running away from him.

One week wasn’t nearly enough to face him again.

But like always, I had no choice.

 The driver held my door opened and I hesitated before catching Marcus agitated gaze, scrambling out of the vehicle almost tripping over the hem of my dress. Brushing it off, I didn't realize that Marcus had already stepped into the building not even bothering to wait up. Rolling my eyes, I followed him through the first story of the hub with quick steps the notepad securely tucked against my chest, doubling as a shield as I stepped into the room, keeping to the wall to not draw attention to myself.

But it didn’t work as planned since I was the only person in the room that had absolutely nothing to do with being a leader of the five factions. And they knew too.

 “Don´t mind my assistant. She´s just here to take notes.” Marcus addressed the room lightly, thankfully drawing the attention away from my figure. I never really had a problem being the center of attention, dressed in my black uniform I basically reveled in it, blossoming, thriving, but somehow now I felt indefinitely small. If it was the grey sack I was wearing, I didn’t know, the feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin so new, so raw that for the first time in my life I wished to have mastered the art of making myself disappear, to not be seen. I guess Marcus lectures were already working.

 “Assistant? How… interesting.” Jeanine stated, her icy blue eyes full of morbid curiosity and… satisfaction as she basically devoured my appearance, searching for something only she knew. Her forehead furrowed as she concentrated, pretending she didn't know exactly who I was. "Aren't you the Dauntless transfer?"

 “Yes, ma’am.” I gave her a tight smile, already tired of this make-believe. Not to mention that I despised her, the well-hidden threats behind the facts she had given me branded into my memory.

 “Well… this year certainly was an interesting one, wasn’t it?” Jeanine smiled, her lips curling up to show her abnormally white teeth. The gesture reminded of a snarling dog, not less threatening than one, too. “I myself, too, have found an assistant from the rows of our transfers. Caleb is doing well, Andrew. He is extraordinarily intelligent if you take into regard that he… didn't have the time to deepen his lessons in his former faction." The small pause wasn't because Jeanine didn't know to say, she just chose not to speak it out loud but we all knew what she implied. He must be smart despite coming from Abnegation. As if erudite had a monopole on being smart.

Bitch.

“Let´s just hope yours will be as accommodating, Marcus. She must be impeccable if you choose her to work for you.”

 “Quite the contrary, Jeanine.” Marcus countered and I felt my expression slip for a moment, narrowing my eyes at him. “I just thought that it would be the perfect opportunity for her to learn more about our way of life since it seems to be quite hard for her still. Isn´t that right, Casey?”

 Avoiding the one gaze that had rested on me since I stepped into the room, I slowly lifted my eyes from the floor and met Max´s eyes how merely raised one eyebrow at me, regarding my reaction closely. Faking a smile so they wouldn’t see my gritted jaw, I looked over to my tormentor and bowed my head slightly.

“Of course.”

 "Great." Marcus clasped his hand in front of him, looking patronizingly at the people surrounding the huge, round table but all I could concentrate was the not-so-quiet huff leaving his chest before he got up from his seat, walking past me so close that I just had to move one finger forward to touch his black uniform. Balling them into fists, I refrained but inhaled deeply, his familiar aftershave easing the anxiety tightly stuck in my chest for the first time in over a week.  

Eric was busying himself at the buffet that was lined up against one wall in case one of the leaders would get hungry or if the meeting should run longer than excepted. I had just gotten a glimpse of his face but it was enough to see that the bags under his eyes were more prominent than usual meaning he was either tired or hungover and knowing that the first weekend of initiation was always widely celebrated, I guessed it was the latter.

Dauntless parties were always the wildest and I asked myself if he found someone to take home – not that it was any of my business any longer, I just wondered if...

 Lost in thought, the bowl shattering against the tiles had me flinch and I whirled around to stare at Eric who looked at the glass shards with disdain before his glinting eyes flitted from the mess to me and back. A clear demand I couldn’t ignore.

Swallowing down my dismay for being treated like stuff I made my way over to him and crouched down to pick up the shards of glass. Eric remained standing beside me, his huge form towering over me, watching, observing.

Groveling to his feet had never been something I would have willingly done but here I was, in the middle of a situation I could have never even dreamed of, my new life.

By straightening up as soon as I had the glass in my hand I tried to keep what little was left of my dignity. Not that it felt as if I had any left but I had learned from early on that it was better to fake it than to admit weakness.

Raising my head to meet his gaze, I wasn’t surprised that his was already resting on me, scrutinizing me from head to toe, not bothering to hide the disgust at what they called dress, making me all fidgety.

 "Don´t look at me like that," I muttered, no longer able to keep eye contact. "I would say I know how I look but I haven't even seen a mirror in over a week, less been allowed to use it."

 “Clearly.” Was all he answered, voice curt but I thought to detect a hint of malicious glee at my misery as if he wanted to say ‘I told you so’. Narrowing my eyes at him, my fists instantly tightened but a sharp prick had me open them again with the hiss, having forgotten all about the glass.

 "Well, it´s not like you look any better," I remarked dryly, wiping away at the small cut in my hand that was oozing blood, the glass shards discarded into the trash can to my right. "Long night, huh?"

 Even though I tried to sound uninterested the small, humorless huff leaving his chest told me I had failed. But instead of poking fun at me, like he usually would he just grabbed a sandwich and stared at it before scrunching up his face in disgust, throwing it back on the platter.

“You know how we Dauntless are. No need to sleep when there´s booze… or someone who´s willing to warm your bed."

 While he didn’t even spare me a glance, I stared at with raised eyebrows, incredulous of his audacity. I knew it was his way to cope… but rubbing it into my face that he hadn’t even bothered to wait one week until he took the nearest skank into his bed – it hurt.

Shaking my head at him, the chuckle leaving my mouth was bitter, rivaling the jealousy bubbling in my chest.

“God… you´re such an asshole.”

 This got his attention. Whipping his head towards me, Eric´s eyes narrowed into slips and he took a threatening step forward, his next words equally chilling and riling me up, something only he ever managed.

“What was that, stiff?”

 “Go fuck yourself,” Cocking my head, I plastered a sarcastic smile on my face to hide the burning in the back of my throat. The vein on his neck started pulsing dangerously as I added a sarcastic “Sir”.

 With one big step, he was right in front of me, his fingers digging into the flesh of my arm, no doubt leaving bruises as he stared down at me with fire-blazing eyes into my defiant ones. Riling Eric up had always been a favorite past time of mine but I knew when his cold eyes started to light up like a flame, or more likely an inferno, you had gone too far.

Just where I wanted him after he refused to even look at me.

 “Watch yourself, Casey.” He hissed, his voice venomous, his grip like a vice tightening further. “Or I will do it for you.”

 Before I could respond, a throat clearing beside us had me rushing back but Eric was unfazed as always, our close proximity posing no obvious problem as he turned to face Marcus, lazily raising one eyebrow.

 “Is there a problem here?”

 "No, Sir." Averting my eyes to the floor I quickly yanked my arm out of Eric´s grasp, which he allowed, too busy studying my sudden change in behavior.

 “Except –“ Eric started and my head whipped towards him in panic, the sinking feeling in my guts growing as I met his once again emotionless eyes, sure that whatever he would say would cause my certain doom, a misstep this big nothing Marcus would overlook. When he noticed the pleading expression on my face, he didn’t show just turned towards Marcus, voice cold as he went on. “She won´t be able to pick up all the glass shards without a dustpan and brush. You should tell her where she gets these things because I don´t give a shit.”

 While speaking the first part, his gaze flitted from Marcus to me and back but to show that he really didn’t care, he started to walk away, mumbling over his shoulder while I stayed put, following him with my eyes as he took his seat right beside Max who, which I now realized, had been watching us the whole time.

 “Third door to the right. Hurry up, we need someone who takes notes.” Was all Marcus said before he too made his way towards the large table. Turning around, I scrunched my face up, the obedience I had to display profoundly repugnant but like the good little stiff I had to be now, I did just as he said.

Taking a second to just breathe before I had to enter the conference room again, I wondered what wrong I had done to deserve not only Eric´s hate but also Marcus´ hovering over my every move like a hawk ready to strike.  

 After everything was clean, I took a seat a little away from the table, notebook in hand keeping the minutes, scribbling down every word of unnecessary banter coming from their mouth. But whatever topics were being discussed bypassed me because Eric did not once look in my direction. Not even when they closed up and the Dauntless had to walk by me to get to the door, his eyes not straying once.

That´s when I knew it… I had lost him.

In Marcus Eaton´s house was a door that was always locked. It was grey, almost dull just like every other one in this faction, not letting on that there could be something hidden behind it that could change the fate of our whole city. This totally unassuming piece of wood could possibly be the gates of hell, to my own, personal hell.

It was the door of Marcus Eaton´s study.

 That night, after my disastrous run-in with Eric, I decided to not give a fuck anymore. Marcus was gone, out to eat at some council members house, the bland one-course meal no doubt prepared by another perfect little housewife. There seemed to be too much of them here.

Knowing this was my chance, Marcus gone for the night without the threat of him suddenly arriving like he usually did throughout the day, most likely to check up on me.

But not tonight.

 Tonight Marcus would spend wholly at Alice Brewster´s house, not coming back before eleven pm which he told me with a stern face when he ordered me to cut up fruit for him to take as a present. After all, he had a reputation to uphold.

And that meant I had to stay home.

 It didn’t bother me in the slightest to spend one of my nights away from him, finally able to relax a little in a house where I had to tiptoe around but preparing stuff for a party I wasn’t invited to? That sucked.

Ultimately, I decided to get rid of Marcus was worth to spend half an hour arranging wrinkly apple slices, my mood only getting better the closer his departure came.

And the best thing about it wasn’t my temporary freedom. After grabbing a folder from his desk, Marcus had to hurry to not arrive late and make a bad impression – and forgot to lock the door in the process.

 After he was gone and I made my way to my room, quietly humming to myself as I conquered the steps, only sparing the damn door a glance until I realized it was ajar. Immediately my heart rate spiked and I looked around widely, almost anticipating that Marcus came back solely to lock the door. But he didn’t.

Standing there with a pounding heart, I contemplated what to do even though there was no doubt what I must do. Frozen on my spot, I listened closely, suddenly more than paranoid, highly aware of my surroundings. But after several minutes of utter silence, I realized that this wasn't a trap – it was the possibility I hadn’t dared to dream of.

 Hurrying into my room to retrieve the little notebook Marcus gave me, I hesitated in front of the door, just for a split second imagining what may lie behind it, my fantasy wreaking havoc. Pushing open the door with one burst of confidence, I expected rows upon rows of shelves, all full of binders containing every secret one should know about abnegation, maybe even a few pictures hanging on the wall – but nothing. Just an old, sturdy desk with a few binders and a chair.

Everything you would expect from abnegations leader.

Good for him, bad for me.

 Stepping into the room, I stopped in front of the desk picking up one of the folders, carefully remembering just how they had sat there. Skimming through it, I realized it contained information of current members, a few of the pictures familiar. Since it wasn’t what I was searching for, I grabbed the next one and interestedly thumbed through the pages. It contained the people who deflected in the last five years, judging by the dates of birth. I just wanted to put it down when I stumbled over the information of someone I knew.

Mouth hanging open, I stared at Four´s profile not believing what I was seeing.

Sure, I knew he was from Abnegation… but that he was Marcus´ son?!

 Still outraged, I clasped a hand over my mouth, the gnarly eighteen-year-old with the pained eyes such a far cry from the warrior I came to know, even just by passing him in the pit. But now I realized he had always looked as if the weight of the whole world rested on his shoulders and living with Marcus, his every demand and constantly worsening mood, I developed a new found understanding for him.

Maybe Eric wasn’t as right about him as he thought to be…

Shaking my head, I tried clearing my thoughts from everything unimportant to my mission because if I failed, there might not be a faction system to come home to after all. Gulping heavily, the image of dauntless raiding the streets, pushing Abnegation members to the ground, I alongside them, had a shiver racking my spine and I hurriedly grabbed the next folder, all breath leaving my body as I realized it was what I´ve been searching for.

Numbers.

So many numbers.

 Whipping my notebook out, I started copying them to the T, making sure I got them all right to avoid unnecessary conflict. I wrote down over five pages filled with stocktaking from food to bales of cloth, cement to give the factionless workers to repair the streets, to the amount of wood we stocked to make furniture, all the while hearing Jeanine Matthew´s cold voice speaking into my ear as if she was right behind me.

 "You see, dear Casey," Jeanine started, trying to fool me with her inviting expression that was just supposed to hide the real threats she spoke as she sat there on the couch with perfect composure, hands folded in her lap. As if she wasn't talking about destroying our whole system. "the abnegation aren't as selfless as they want us to believe. No, not at all." Ruefully she shook her head. "Not only do they hoard supplies that are vital for the thriving of our city, they also try to undermine our authority, claiming they are the most suited faction to run our government just because they are not corrupt. But they are, oh they are.”

 “That might be…” I relented a little confused as to why she was telling me this. Everyone knew erudite hated abnegation and that the loathing was mutual, not even her accusations were new to me I just didn’t understand why she told me that. “but what has that to do with me? I´m neither erudite, nor abnegation so, no disrespect, ma’am, but… it has nothing to do with me.” Speaking carefully to not offend her, I cast a quick glance at Max who sat there emotionless, just seizing me up.

 "That´s where you are wrong, Casey," Jeanine exclaimed, the maniac expression slowly starting to frighten me. "We are all affected by this, we will all be involved, you maybe more than others but nonetheless. Because hoarding vital supplies and therefore withholding them from others that need them most is an act of war Casey. And war there will be if you don´t help us to diffuse the situation.

That´s why you will help us, functioning as our eyes and ears. You, Casey, are the key to everything."

 Shivering, I remembered everything. How her icy eyes burned into mine with malicious intent, promising agony if I didn’t follow her orders.

 Or how her eyebrows had shut up when I decided to be brave, stand up for myself and dared to interrupt her, telling her in kinder words that she was bat-shit crazy and that there was no way I would get out of this as a grey. Or how Max in not so subtle words told me that if I went against their orders, I wouldn’t even make it back into the compound, his eyes burning into mine, promising that he would keep his words.

For the way to our compound is dark and full of terrors.

 Closing my eyes for a moment, I tried to chase these haunting images away, realizing that I was done writing down numbers. Thumbing through the last folder, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything, I came across my own initiation class, greedily burning the information into my mind.

I found out that Susan, the traitor had a brother – a twin to be exact – who deflected. Maybe he couldn’t stand her traitorous ways?

Chuckling over my bad joke, I went on.

It seemed that Jacob´s mother died when he was a little child, leaving him with an older sister that was still here and a father that had to raise them on his own.

Benjamin, the Amity transfer had five siblings, while Jael´s father had been made factionless after he committed a crime that wasn’t listed in here.

The rest of them were fairly normal, no more juicy details and I decided to not try my luck any further, stacking the folders in the right order.

The one about us initiates at the bottom, then the stokeholds followed by the ones who deflected and lastly the current members.

 Making sure everything was in their place, I grabbed notepad and pencil, closing the door behind me as I left the room. My mind reeling with thoughts, I let myself fall onto the bed, suddenly not able to stop wondering if this was Four´s old room he had counted the days until he could leave, just like I did.

If he laid in this bed, weary of the powerful man he shared the house with, as he stared at the ceiling wishing to be anywhere but here.

If he had things that were considered luxury somewhere hidden in this room, in a hiding place…

 Bolting upright, my eyes flew wide open and I scampered from the bed, knowing I had to be right. No teenage boy would live like this – not at least without somewhere to hide things like chocolate or… porn magazines. Scrunching up my face, I imagined the woman Four must have found attractive. Maybe abnegation had a special edition of the calendar they made with dauntless woman – just in stiff style.

Maybe the women on their showed their ankles – how scandalous!

 Cackling to myself, I couldn’t decide if Four jacking off to feet was disgusting or funny as I made my way through the room, careful of the sound changing when I knocked on the walls. Luckily, I thought of an appropriate hiding place before Marcus came back, the knocking surely would have told him that I was up to something. I didn’t find anything behind the walls but as I stepped up to the small window the change in sound of the floor creaking had me on my knees faster than ever and I crawled around, searching for a small indent or somewhere where the pattern of wood planks was disrupted.

And I found it.

 Guiding my nail under it, I pulled the small slat out, revealing a hollow that was maybe 7 inches wide, 25 long and 10 deep – the perfect place to hide something where even the possession of books was a crime. Blowing the dust away, I realized that Tobias had forgotten something. Slowly reaching inside, I gripped the blue figure and pulled it out, revealing a beautiful glass sculpture formed like a dolphin rising from the waters.

Brushing the dust away, I traced ever line with my finger finding tranquility and inner calmness just knowing that there was someone who most likely felt the same emotions, sitting in the exact the same place I was now.

Knowing he had made it out, meant I could too.

It gave me hope.

 Reluctantly, I put the stunning sculpture back into the confinements of its concrete grave trying to hide its beauty from the rest of the world – not unlike the whole faction here did it with its members.

But from now on, it wouldn’t be alone.

Folding the five pages I had managed to copy, I made a make-shift envelope to protect them from the dust before placing it inside and putting the plank back into its place.

 When I laid in bed twenty minutes later, staring at the dark ceiling, waiting for Marcus to come home, my mind still reeled with all the intel it has gotten, Four being on the front of all my thoughts. Or maybe I should call him Tobias from now on, living in his childhood bedroom somehow made all of it way more intimate – way more than I would have liked.

Even though I agreed with Eric, I was now asking myself if he wasn’t right about everything. Four survived living like this for eighteen years while I was going crazy after one week and that earned him in some strange and twisted way my respect.

Closing my eyes, I realized that the only way I would get out of here was to enmesh myself deeper – but only so deep I could pull myself out of the time had come.

And I intended just that.

A few days after my successful mission I found myself alone in the kitchen – with Susan. We had both been selected to prepare food we´d hand out to the factionless later, some sort of curry consisting of whatever vegetable and little of meat we had, sliced and mixed together.

Though she had tried talking to me a few times since that night, I had always shut her down. Maybe I was too proud, too conceited, but who lost my trust and respect had lost it forever. With no exception.

 Scrunching up my face in disgust, I continued turning the minced meat until the red turned brown, somehow being nauseous from the sight alone like I had been a lot of times over the last week. As if my body was rejecting the unfamiliar diet.

Paired with insomnia caused by a hauntingly quiet house and the seemingly endless tiring labor had my mood drop low. The mere thought of choking down another steamed piece of broccoli had my mouth water in the most disgusting way.

Pushing all these thoughts away, I almost managed to get my gag reflex under control. That was until a cloud of steam from the pan I was standing over hit me right in the face, the smell of grease and half-raw meat finally tipping me over the edge.

 Not hesitating a second, I let the spatula fall and burst through the door towards the community bathroom, not paying Susan´s calls for me any mind as I fell to my knees and threw up into the toilet.

Though I hadn’t eaten much these last few days, it felt like I gagged forever, dry-heaves shaking my body painfully preventing me from doing anything against the hands laying themselves on my shoulder, heavenly cold hands brushing the hair out of my face that was coated in a small sheen of sweat.

The urge to rid my body of the undigested food only slowly subsided after several minutes and the moment I felt like I didn’t have anything left inside me, I slowly sank back on my calves, taking in a few deep breaths of air, eyes closed in agony.

 “Casey, are you alright?” Came a soft voice from behind, Susan’s hands still resting on my shoulders. I shrugged them off.

 “Leave me alone.” My voice was hoarse, throat sore from the acid leaving a putrid taste in my mouth. Leaning forward, I spit into the toilet to rid myself of it.

 “Casey, please…” Rolling my eyes weakly, I ignored her pleading and slowly got up, swaying slightly. Her hands were instantly on me with the intent of preventing me from falling but I moved away as if they were burning me, staggering over to the sink, fingers turning white from my grip on the stone.

 “I´m fine!” I snapped, turning my head slightly to glare at her. “Go back into the kitchen. I´ll – I´ll be there shortly.”

Just the thought of food had my stomach roll again and I tightly closed my eyes, breathing through my nose.

 “No.” This time Susan’s voice was strong, unapologetic. “You look like you pass out any minute. Just… just go outside for a few minutes until it gets better, okay?”

 “Whatever.” Turning the tap, I held my hands under the cold water capturing it in my palms to wash my face. The coolness felt heavenly on my heated skin and I let out a sigh, already feeling a bit better. But since Susan had proposed that I stay away from the kitchen, I would take advantage of it.

Still feeling her stare on my back, I didn’t bother to turn around as I addressed her. “I won´t pass out, so you can go now.”

 All I got in reply was an ‘alright’ before she closed the door behind her. Instantly dropping my façade, I let myself slump against the sink, hands shaky as I closed my eyes and tried to level my erratic heartbeat. It took me a few moments but when I finally felt like staying upright by myself, I redid my hair, several strands had come loose while I felt like my body was trying to rid itself from my stomach. I hadn’t felt this bad in a long time – not since I thought with fifteen it would be a good idea to break into my brother´s hidden liquor stash with my crush at the time. He was already seventeen, a good friend of Zeke´s, and one of the hottest guys I knew… well until Eric, who I didn’t want to think about, not after the disaster that was last Sunday´s meeting.

Instead, I focused on the memories that hurt less.

Gathering all my brother's hidden vodka bottles in one of his training bags, I met up with Greg in an abandoned part of the living quarters where we all went to smoke pot and drink. That night, we were alone, managed to both drink until I passed out and had the worst headache of my life.

It was also the night I lost my virginity.

Scrunching up my nose, I only remembered some awkward groping, a dull pain that was amplified by the friction and a heavy body slumping on me, almost crushing me in the process.

Maybe I was better off not remembering after all.

 I crossed the bathroom with shaky legs, making my way out of the headquarters through a side door. Pushing open the door, the light breeze and warming sun rays made me feel a lot better after spending the whole day in the stale building that seemed to suck the happiness out of everyone.

Outside, with the birds chirping I felt like a whole another person, cynically asking myself why they couldn’t have made me go to amity… Everything was better than this bland existence they called life.

 Sighing, I leaned back against the wall of the headquarters, glad that the nausea and dizziness had subsided. But now I had a bigger problem than my deteriorating health. Speaking with a soldier that was running patrols through the Abnegation sector, Max had delivered me a message – that if I had reliable information already I could hand them over later when we would give food to the factionless. The whole ordeal would be overseen by dauntless, their initiates, to my grief, and their instructors. The soldier would approach me and I would slip him whatever I already had in form of a note.

Exhaling deeply again, I got up, deciding that it would be better to get the notes now before I attracted Marcus attention, especially now that his mood seemed to get gradually worse with every passing day.

Max said he had everything planned out and that I shouldn’t worry my pretty little head too much.

A foolproof plan is what he called it.

 I thought it was the plan of a fool.

 The downside of reading so many fics is not remembering what really happened.. I know Four still had the glass sculpture & I just read that Marcus found it but here it´s still hidden… maybe he was able to put it back before Marcus destroyed it..?

 Next chapter another run in with dauntless and an unpleasant outcome.

I´ll try to update ptp in the next few days! It´s been too long..

 Thank you for reading & reviewing! :)