#his mullet was actually inspired by a photo of my dad

[yakuza-emulation]

Smile for the picture, boys!

(Click on the photo for better quality)

All featuring my versions of the tormentors! All of whom are “existing” characters that I repurposed because I thought it would be fun, and why not give some light to more of my favoured Fazbear Frights characters. (I might get flack for some of these from those who do like the characters, but I love them too!)

For more on that, check under the cut! :D

Foxy Bully, also known as Michael Afton

The tried and true FNAF guy, ‘twas his brother killed and his father who did the killing. Overall, it’s a decent way to view the story, and doesn’t make my head explode (like goddamn robot children). Furthermore, the Security Logbook has a section where you’re tasked remember as a child “what prizes would you want to see behind the prize counter”, and Mike draws himself with a mullet, tank-top, shorts, and bracelets. So that’s good enough for me lol

Bonnie Bully, also known as Oscar Avila

The first of the tormentors who is kinda out there! There is the popular theory that he is Jeremy Fitzgerald, considering FNAF’s obsession with Jeremy’s and bunny paraphernalia; but Oscar also has a relation to bunnies (Plushtrap chaser)! It kinda works, and the skin tone itself was inspired by @namedoggo ‘s version of Oscar (which is super cool, please check it out!)

I also like to think he is Cassie’s father, because it kinda checks out, but I’m deciding to be oblivious to other current revelations within the community.

Freddy Bully, aka Alec Renner

Speaking of revelations, this character is full of them! Freddy bully is such a hot topic because there are so many people he can be (Jeremy Fitzgerald, Mr. Renner (Tales from the Pizzaplex), Oswald’s Dad), but I thought Alec would be a cool idea because of the whole Lonely Freddy Bodyswap occurrence and that he canonically favours Yarg Foxy. Furthermore, this was kinda tail-ended by the Ao3 fic, “I am Machine” by Hideaway_In_The_Imagination_World or @hideawaysplace on Tumblr. Wherein which Alec was friends with Oscar in the past.

I kinda also tied in Mr. Renner with Alec’s last name (because he doesn’t have one. It made me frustrated for a while), because in Tales from the Pizzaplex, the elementary principal is described as having a Freddy mask and his eyes leak oil? (I don’t actually have the tales books yet, I’m waiting until the box set releases until I get it. So all my info on this guy is limited to the several fandom wikis)

I don’t really want to tie in Oswald’s father, but Alec does have a sister, so Hazel could have the mask? Or Oswald’s dad could’ve just won it as a prize, not everyone who has a mask has to be the bully themself. (Which is ironic for Mr. Renner, but eh.))

Chica Bully, aka Sam O’Neil

Probably the most out there, but this character is practically never talked about with fan theories (for gods sake, literally everyone else in the squad has been theorized to be Jeremy Fitzgerald at some point (including fucking Michael at one point because of his multiple aliases), EXCEPT FOR HIM..?). Furthermore, it was kinda difficult to pick a good character for him, as I wanted to make it so the tormentors have some relation to the character they had the mask of. I really enjoyed Blackbird when I read it, and when I read it the first time, I thought Sam admitted to actually being a bully years before the story itself (he just got back at bullies, but the point still stands). Regardless, why not :)

[earthstellar]

My TFP Humanformers Headcanons: With Pictures This Time

Originally posted here, but that’s all text only.

In my defence, I studied fashion at university level for two years, so this post was inevitable.

Optimus Prime - James Dean Style, aka “Hot Dad” 

Optimus would probably love doing the research to determine human styles and what he likes best. 

I can picture him doing a 1950s inspired look, more Greaser than stuffy suits, but in a more James Dean way and not John Travolta in Grease kind of way if he needed to go undercover as Jack’s dad or something.

He’d be a bit older than James Dean was in the above photo, definitely in his 30s at the youngest. Would still have silver mixed in with his black hair, to replicate the silver details on his helm. He doesn’t smoke, but might chew on a pen cap every now and then without thinking about it. 

Ultra Magnus - Vittorio de Sica - Classic Italian Suit Chic

When doing research into human styles, Optimus showed him a Hermes magazine and some European business style guides from GQ and decided he liked the formal suit look. I imagine he’d have a very Italian look to him, as he might be wearing an Italian or Continental style suit. 

For some reason, Magnus as a 40 or 50 year old stern and stylish Italian guy just works really well. He’d be extremely well dressed, well groomed, would still demand authority, and I imagine him looking like Vittorio de Sica, pictured above. 

He would perhaps use his holoform to accompany Fowler in discussions with some military superiors.

Initially, he wanted to pick a military style uniform for his holoform, and Fowler had to explain to him in detail why that wasn’t an acceptable thing to do. So he went for chic lawyer instead.

Ratchet - Old War Vet + What He Thinks is Nevada Style: George Gabby Hayes

Ratchet would literally just be my dad or any of his old war buddies, possibly with a mobility aid like a cane or walking stick because that seems to be very popular amongst my dad and his friends. (To quote my father: “I can walk with it and I can beat people with it, so it works fine for me, don’t touch me dammit I can get up by myself.”) 

I get the feeling he’d approach designing his holoform from a logical angle, wanting to fit in with the locals to avoid detection. Unfortunately, this meant he found a bunch of old Western movies online when looking up style inspiration, and decided that this was probably the best look to go for since all these movies were filmed in Nevada, so surely this would be familiar to people, right? (Wrong.) 

He’d be tough and wrinkly, but give those precious old man smiles with big twinkling eyes that shine so brightly against his old weathered skin, and that alone would get him get out of trouble with the authorities-- Or helps him get the others out of trouble. He would play the “I’m just an old person, what do you want from me” card and he would succeed. Then he’d turn around and get mad that everyone treats him like he’s old, lmao.

Arcee - Tori Amos: Late 1990s/2000s Casual 

Arcee would go for 20s-30s in terms of age, motorcyclist, we already see this on screen every now and then. I think they would estimate for approximate human age relative to one another’s Cybertronian age, so this works as Arcee seems to be younger than the rest. 

I picture her outside of her motorcycle gear in a very late 90s/early 2000s style look, casual but stylish. It would throw people off because she’s so much mature than what people might assume, which gives her an edge in conversation.

Her cover story could be that she’s Jack’s cousin, or maybe a friend of his mom’s, depending on what the mission/situation is. Could also possibly say that she’s one of Jack’s co-workers if need be. She’d probably redesign her holoform to have red hair just to troll Jack (the classmate he has a crush on is a redhead). 

Bulkhead - Mark Sagato + 1990s Alt Rock Gear 

I can easily picture Bulkhead’s holoform looking similar to Mark Sagato, pictured above, who is a former Sumo wrestler and a film actor. 

He’d be rocking a green cargo jacket layered with a plaid flannel shirt over a plain white tee or a band t-shirt and blue jeans with black steel toe boots, possibly with a workman’s tool belt. His cover story could be that he’s Miko’s uncle visiting from Japan! 

I imagine a very casual 90s alternative rock meets almost-lumberjack look for him, to match Miko a bit. He’d probably have some ribbon wristbands from live shows/gigs up his arm, because Miko would absolutely encourage accessorising.

Wheeljack - Billy Idol + Specifically Grunge Punk 

Wheeljack would be every single old school dude in the grunge punk scene that I’ve ever met. He’d look like an older Billy Idol, but only if you imagine what that would look like, not like, the actually currently old Billy Idol. 

Older guy, skinny but tough, jean jacket covered in patches and buttons and pins, black jeans held together with random string sewn in like embroidery thread, a pair of Converse so old that they might be from the 70s original line. Grey bandana also covered in pins around his head and another around his neck. He would also have ribbon wristbands from shows, courtesy of Miko’s style advice.

Bumblebee - Fred Olande: 1995 Was a Great Year for Skateboarding

Bumblebee would be a young guy, maybe even late teens/early 20s, massively baggy yellow hoodie with a black jean vest over the top like a lot of young guys wore in the 90s back when I wasn’t a dinosaur myself. Jeans that are pale from being worn/washed too many times, threadbare around the knees, wearing some kind of skateboarding shoe. I imagine him wearing a beanie as well. Every pocket is full of graffiti pens for the skatepark and his phone screen is cracked.

Raf would help him with his holoform details, and I can picture him basing his look off of some of Raf’s family photos, so he’d definitely be Mexican/Latinx. His cover story could be that he’s Raf’s cousin visiting from a border town or Mexico, and his excuse for not speaking would simply be that he doesn’t know that much English, so that would work out perfectly.

Smokescreen - 1970s/1980s Sports Gear Forever 

Smokescreen would inevitably try to go for a 1970s/80s movie inspired sporty look, and would probably look to be about in his late teens/early 20s.

Think classic white Nikes, very sporty 80s style with a white and blue puffy jacket (or sweat shirt) and red fabric wristbands. If anyone has a mullet or a feathered hair style, it’s gonna be Smokescreen. His tank top is Adidas, and his sweatpants are also Adidas.

Unfortunately, he then discovers that shorts exist, and cycles between the classic Butterick patterns above, depending on the mission/who he is trying to impress that day. 

(I won’t lie, I did the shorts over sweatpants thing well into the 90s. Yes, I was made fun of.) 

[ohgoddard]

Fist of Fire.6.

Jade had been going to Reverse’s afterschool activities for around seven weeks now, and it has been hell. Especially after the first meeting. It was like a switch was flipped in Reverse’s head, and Jade had no idea why. But, all of a sudden, training had gotten infinitely harder. And I fucking hate it, Jade thought during one such practice. She had been subjected to miles of running, flights of stairs, and tonnes of weight. And that was just the general training, the specialized training was far more grueling. Reverse, in an act of surprising intelligence, had begun putting Jade into refrigerators and telling her to, “make yourself warm.” Usually this was said with a quick smirk, or a joking look. But ever since that first practice day, Reverse had been anything but cordial and happy.And, for some reason, just to her. He has been so much more serious and pushy to her in her training than to any of the others. So, as Jade sits in a freezing room, she thinks to herself.  I wonder what the hell happened to him.Why does he hate me all of a sudden?..I wonder if anyone else is getting it this bad.

Riley was currently being chased by someone whom she considered unable to do such a thing. Her arms were pumping in tandem with her legs and she was moving at peak speed. Yet..

“Not fast enough.” Riley looked to her right and saw Reverse there, running at what looked like a leisurely jog. Then he winded his left arm back and threw a jab for her head. She ducked instinctively and as a result tumbled forward onto the ground, stopping completely. Reverse stopped mere feet away from her, and started slowly walking towards her. “This is the farthest you’ve gone with me on your tail,” he said while taking out a phone,” and I dare say your best time yet. 200 miles in 7 minutes? Nowhere near Whirlwind’s, but you're making good time. However, your reactions are garbage and you slow down too easily. You have to be able to take as many hits than you can give, if not more.” Riley slowly got up and dusted herself off. They were miles away from the city of Atlanta, somewhere in the mountains surrounded by trees and forest for all the eye can see. She looked around at her arms, which had gotten decidedly bigger and more defined since Reverse’s training, and saw the many bruises on them.  “Riley, you are making great progress on your speed but running is only going to get you so far. You also have to practice attacking. I want you to do 150 reps of those distance punches we’ve done before.”

Riley hopped to her feet. “Sir, with all do respect, “ she said while taking huge breaths, “I could attack you right now. I was just confused about the drill we were doing. That's all.” Reverse’s face did not change at all at the challenge. Neither did Riley’s, keeping a stone cold gaze the entire time while staring into the face of her teacher. But…

Oh my god why did I say that?! Riley's head was now exploding with terror. He is going to work me even harder than before. Why didn’t I just take the original workout? I'd be done quicker oh no oh no no no - “Really?” Reverse’s singular word cut through RIley’s train of thought like a knife. Riley was keeping her complexion the same, but she had no doubt he looked right through her. He’s going to kick my ass. He’s going to do it right here, right now. Im dead. “Hm. Well then , I have a bet.” A BET??! AM I GONNA-  Riley slaps herself in the face. All thoughts are gone, all of a sudden. “Oh yeah? What's your bet?” Reverse started doing stretches, and started to explain. “We’re going to have a race. Back to the school. You win by getting there first, or punching me. Whichever is easier. I win by just getting there first. Sounds stacked in your favor, don’t it?” Riley was eying up the boxer,her arms now crossed and her eyes slit in suspicion. 

“What's the catch?” Reverse looks up, and a nasty grin crawls across his face. “You win, you go home for the day. I win? We box until you fall from exhaustion.” Riley’s whole body began to feel numb. The mere thought of going to toe-to-toe with one of the biggest hand to hand professional heroes was suicidal. Reverse has sent more than enough people to the hospital, and about an even amount to the grave. She was going to have to win this..or else. “ Ok, I take your deal.” And with that Riley instantly started running. Well, running isn’t the right word. More like skating on air. She was already 50 miles out from Reverse when he caught up to her. “Nasty trick you pulled, but it only gave you the head start. Not the victory.”

Riley pumped the brakes a small amount and got behind Reverse. He turned behind her in confusion. Why is she slowing down? What is she doing with that rock? Oh no! I'm about to be hit in the head by a rock!...That’s probably what he’s thinking at least. Riley’s thoughts tended to get in the way of things. She positioned herself a bit to the back right of him, and dropped a rock. When she did, her foot came around and kicked it straight at him. Reverse skidded for a bit, tripping over the rock. Riley sprinted farther ahead, only 100 miles left. She looked behind her and saw Reverse gone. Did I trip him?!  She turned her head to the front and-

“Peek-a-boo”. Reverse let loose a right hook right into her temple, and Riley almost tripped forward again. But.. this time she caught herself before she made the full fall. And in a moment of inspiration..

Reverse suddenly tripped over his feet and lay face first on the ground. When he looked around, he saw no sign of Riley. And when he looked at his feet. “That clever bastard!” His shoes were tied together. Reverse began laughing.

Back at the school, Riley stumbled into the classroom, exhausted. She walked to her desk and collapsed.”Need something?” Riley slowly lifted her head from her arms and looked in abject horror as Reverse was sitting at his desk, drinking a bottle of water. “How..how!? HOW!” was all Riley could say. “I have to admit, I did like your trick. You pulled one on me. Looks like those legs aren’t the only fast part about you. I’ll have to augment your training.” He stood up and walked over to her, and she noticed his beat up ...feet? “I took off my shoes. Actually makes me run faster. Ain't that something?” He set down a cold bottle of water on her desk and began walking back to his desk. “No boxing for us today, sadly. You did a good job today, and pulled one over on me. Hitting isn't just about pure strength, you know. Go home.” As Riley began to sit up and walk out the door, she turned around. “Was I the only one who showed up to practice today? You only really attended to me.” Reverse looked at her with a preposterous look. “Only you? During our training today I got to every single one of the team member’s training. I took breaks from running to go see them, then I would catch up to you, scare you a bit, then went to go check on another.” “Oh..I see.” Riley walked down the hallway, knowing that at any point today Reverse could have overtaken her, and only chose not to because he had other things to do.

Jade was still in the Refrigerator. And was covered in flames. Up to her collar in it. I did it! I could do it! I can create flame in extreme cold. I just needed motivation! Reverse walked back to the door, swinging a ring of keys in his hands. He peeked his head in the freezer. “Good job.” He then had to immediately duck back out as a blob of fire was thrown at his head.”YOU LEFT ME IN HERE FOR THREE HOURS!!!!!!” Jade screamed as she charged the door. It was closed, but it didn't matter as soon it melted away from her incessant pounding. “I did not expect you to make this much progress.” Reverse said from down the hall. He walked towards her with his hands clasped behind his back. Looking quite smug. “THREE HOURS.I ONLY SWEAT BECAUSE I'M MAD AT YOU!” Jade began to charge him again, but not before he whipped out a long red object and-

Jade was now covered in a towel. The Fire Extinguisher,now spent, rested in a corner. While Reverse was talking over the phone to the Dean, Jade shot daggers at him. He put me in a freezer for three hours today, left me in the south of Georgia for three hours another day. It's like he's trying to make me sweat anywhere. That's when it hit jade. Oh..He doesn't hate me. He is just finding the extremes I work at. He could have at least told me. “Jade there is something I have to tell you.”

Reverse stood up from his desk and started walking over, taking his wallet out. He pushed around receipts and other papers before he found the one he was looking for. He handed her a worn looking photo that had writing on the bottom. “Laurens SHS?” Jade read aloud. She looked at the photo and saw a bunch of people she kinda recognized. She remembered them as the people from Reverse’s ‘quirk assessment’ lesson. And a few other faces, like Huntsman and Meteor, young Reverse(“Wow you used to have a mullet?”), a scratched out face. And also..

“My dad? What's going on?” Why did you show me this?” Reverse took the photo and gently placed it back in his wallet. “Because something is going to happen to all the people in that photo. And, I'm afraid, all those related.” Reverse sat down on a desk next to her.

“Your father Victor, better known as the hero Helios, ran a private hero business called Laurens SuperHero Service. I'm not sure how much to already know so I'm just gonna say all of it, so bare with me. Anyways,” Reverse cleared his throat, “he ran this business. He started small, just himself, and quickly found out he was outmatched. So, he began to look for people to work for him. He could only pay for food and shelter, but for some that was enough. Including me. Before I met your father I was a street rat stealing to make up money for hospital bills. A lot of similar stories from the other people there. Remember Huntsman and Meteor? Your father saved them from a trafficking ring. Tapout was picked up from an orphanage, snowthrone an abusive house. Your father did a lot of good, just getting us out of there. We owed him a lot.”

Jade sat there, listening. She did not know much about her dad. Her mom never talked about him after the accident, not a word. So hearing all this, it was eye opening. My father was a saint.

“However,” Reverse continued, “the jobs we did were tough. We were bouncers at high-class parties,escorts for politicians, bodyguards at international conferences. We had our fair share of big fights, such as Nucleus at the START conference and Quantum at the WHO meeting. And we also had a fair share of fights among ourselves. Usual quarrels,nothing to get into really. Except one. Your dad and one other fought the most. His name was Quentin. You might know him as The Planeteer.” Jade was confused. “The Planeteer? That guy who could ‘talk to nature’?” Reverse chuckled. “Yes, the very same. He and your father would fight often over everything and anything. It got pretty ugly. But, the biggest fight was the one before the D.C. Job.”

Reverse took a deep breath, and took several gulps. Jade could see that talking about this was very uncomfortable for him. She would offer to stop, but she knew he would turn her down. She also had an interest in her own development though. “I remember it clearly. We were at the house, and Huntsman and I were cleaning up after dinner. I was cracking jokes, flirting(I didn’t know she was gay then), when I heard a huge crash. Huntsman and I took a look and saw Planeteer had thrown a chair out the window of the living room. He was pointing at your father and was yelling, ‘you could never take me seriously! You could never listen to me and my plans, my creations! I’ll show you what I can do! I’ll show you what i’ve built!’. After that, he stormed out the door.”

Reverse’s hands began to grip the desk, and Jade was afraid that it might break. “I think i know what happens next. My dad goes to D.C. and dies to the villain San Andreas after she creates a magma flow. You don’t have to explain it to me.” Reverse looked up at Jade, and she was taken aback. The most serious face she had ever seen was looking at her. “Your father would not have lost to San Andreas. Your father was killed and betrayed by Quentin Gaius. Otherwise known, as the Planeteer. And he recently killed Tapout, a member of the Laurens SHS, as well as his family. You are in danger. So, I hav-”

Jade interrupts him.”Tell me what happened. I hate being lied to, tell me right now.”

She stood up, towel falling off her. What she thought was angry sweat on her face was actually tears rolling down.”Tell me what really happened in D.C.”

[ltdedngallery-blog]

THE BIG INTERVIEW … DAN BALDWIN

(Originally published Nov 2014)

BRITISH ARTIST DAN BALDWIN RECENTLY RETURNED FROM HIS STUNNING SOLO SHOW ‘END OF INNOCENCE’ IN NEW YORK CITY…AFTER 101 DIFFERENT INTERVIEWS ABOUT THE SHOW & THE NEW WORK, WE CAUGHT UP WITH HIM TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE…

LTD/EDN… Hey Dan, you are so often described, perhaps incorrectly, as an urban artist.  It doesn’t get anymore urban than NYC, so how the hell was New York? Could you ever live there?

DAN…We had that very conversation out there, could we live here? We thought Yes and No .

If we had a massive loft in the Meatpacking District… Yes!

Although the TV Shows, disclaimers and adverts… that was driving us to a No!  One commercial actually announced ‘If your erection lasts for more than four hours, seek medical advice’ and they invent words like ‘ruggedise’ and ‘dramadies’!

So as long as that loft apartment has no TV, you’ll be fine! Did you get to see any more of the City on this trip, or was it just work, work work? Any favourite spots?

Some good friends flew in from Brighton, and we visited all the usual places… Central Park, Liberty Island, Trump Tower, Dakota Building, Times Square, The MoMA, Soho, Cast Iron District, Ground Zero.

The Meatpacking District was the area we liked the most – round by Chelsea market and the historic High Line. I took photos I’m going to use in my new paintings which I’ve never done before – really interesting architecture, great buildings etc.

As for that Urban Artist tag, I guess I’m not easily labelled.

My paintings can be figurative, abstract, landscape, or non-perspective and they move forwards fast –  I make sculpture and paint pots, I didn’t grow up in an inner city – but I’m not from the countryside either. My work may have urban appeal, and that may link back to my passion towards skateboarding and it’s art and music. I grew up in a very exciting time with music, that has inspired me.

When I started in 1990 (or 1996 if you exclude college) there was no Urban tags, until 2006, I guess art movements or chapters need to be boxed into a category.

Like they did with Pop Art – many of the Pop artists weren’t, like Ed Rusche, who was a young exciting painter making eye catching art at the same time as Rauschenberg – who actually wasn’t POP either, but was dating Jasper Johns, who was quite POP. I guess we all just love to categorise.

Brit’s taking and breaking the US has been a UK obsession in music and art for generations. With your management team PMM at your side are you part of a new British invasion?

Hopefully – who knows – what I loved was the response to my art from such a diverse mix of people – and selling art direct to people walking in from Texas, Canada, Australia, Germany and NYC, that doesn’t happen in my experience as much in London.

Can you tell us a little more about how it works with you and PMM Art Projects?

PMM will oversee all aspects of putting a show on for me – Pat, Roger, Richard will agree dates that work best, Roger will scout out venues across the city, Pat will then agree, then employ PR to maximise on Press, Roger will spread the word ‘like a scud missile’, Richard will deal in sales and clients, the hanging of the show, and email enquiries, Chippy will deal in decal, graphic design , show preview, lists, poster and sign, Marta will help deal in all admin, and take care of logistics; like cars, flights, hotel, crates, shipping etc -​ Pat had 700 posters distributed across NYC, and arranged a dinner for special clients and collectors the night before the opening. We all do our bit, I focus on making the art, then photographing it all, packing ready for crates and shippers,​ and I am there to hang it with Richard and a specialist hanger.

Pat and Roger also oversee any specific projects I may be asked to do, other than a show, like the deal with my recent Paolo Nutini project – If I’m approached by a company for example, I will run it past PMM.

It’s like I have a backbone of support and it all will come together on a show.

Do you pay attention to the American art scene? Feel different to London/UK?  Any current artists out there you like? We heard that Shepard Fairey is a collector…

Not really – I rarely get time for other UK shows. I am aware of a lot of artists​ and try to keep my eyes open, but I’m 6 days a week absorbed in my own work so it’s not so easy.

I went to MoMA NYC just to see if there was a Basquiat, but sadly it was in storage. I was thrilled to see my favourite Rauschenberg again ‘Canyon’, I hadn’t seen that since I was about 19. It’s a mixed media collage on canvas with a eagle stuck to the bottom on wood, with paint and cardboard and as a young artist it made me realise you can do anything in art. I also still get a buzz from seeing Warhol like the huge black red Disaster piece/car crash .

I remember going out to a show in London after my LA show and it was so pretentious compared to LA, which is very much dress down laid back in its vibe. NYC was cool, good people.

Shep isn’t a collector of mine as such, but he has a lot of art – he came to my LA show and requested to meet me, which was great as I saw him there and was like Fuck, its OBEY ! . . Weirdly I had bought myself an Obey print when I first went full time in 2006.

We had a good chat about music mainly and my art and the next day he invited us to his downtown Hollywood studio, which was amazing – he was incredibly generous and gave me 12 prints, and two books, so I pasted some onto a canvas and made a Baldwin on top of some Obeys and one was a Martha Cooper, so it’s a one off Baldwin on some Shepard Fairey Martha cooper prints! I then sent it back to him. (pictured above left).

That meeting was a highlight of our LA trip and years later I had no idea it would link up to PMM via Logan Hicks.

You have a number of other celebrity collectors. If you could collect something from a celebrity what would it be?

I think something from the classic car collection of Jay Leno would be a nice one … I don’t know.

​I do want a 50s American car, a 58 Plymouth Fury, after my top 3 favourite movie Christine,​ or some original Westwood punk gear.

I collected badges as a kid… Now i collect stuff for my art – something from Elvis’s Gracelands, perhaps or a bit of James Dean’s wardrobe, or his conga drums. One of Andy Warhol’s striped t-shirts would be cool or a Basquiat scrap of paper or something from his studio – similarly something from Bacon’s studio. A drum kit from Adam Ant was on my childhood wish list… They gave one away on ”Jim’ll Fix it’.

We covet inanimate objects – is it nostalgia? or sentimentalism? There, I invented a word! Or maybe not. I have a cabinet full of objects we collect. Old children’s dice, a dead Bee, a cats whisker, it’s memory and object – I like nostalgia.

Your Cyclone piece was recently used by Paolo Nutini on his album sleeve artwork – if you could design any album for any band through history what would it be?

Album art used to be so important, I never forget the power Frankie Goes to Hollywood had with their first album, and the symbolism they used, the heart, the bullet, the crucifix, the sperm. It made a big impact on me, as did Adam Ant, but that was more his look and that great logo.

So did Santa bring you anything exciting this year? What was on your list to Santa? Did any goodies cross over with your son’s list?

We escaped the misery of Dads Army, Quality Street, the Two Ronnies repeat from 1978 and you know, all the rest of it and celebrated Rome.

Is finding out that Santa doesn’t exist the real ‘End of Innocence’?  

He doesn’t?

Ha, so enough of Christmas, it’s a New Year…What’s up next?

Thursday (Jan 8th 2015) sees the opening of a new print show alongside Peter Blake at the GX Gallery (www.gxgallery.com/exhibition/fame-promise) I have made 5 new works on paper for it.

I also have a lot of loose ends since NYC, some commissions to do, two charity events coming up, and making new art. I am itching to continue my SUBVERT series and make more bronzes.

There will be a lot going on over the next 12 months, we are also planning to move and relocate the studio. Plus I’m already planning my new show! In my head anyway!

Lastly, talking of your head, one question about the Show…. We noticed a splendid hat, move over Pharrell…Where did you get that hat, where did you get that hat?

Ha, I’m not brave enough for ‘Child of the Jago’, yet, but you know, all in time .. but in NYC it was essential.

​I like the look of some of these www.nickfouquet.com

In the 90’s, or earlier, when England was full of casuals and mullets, if I said then imagine if all the young casuals started to dress like it was the 1940’s – braces, hats, cloth caps, brogue boots, beards you would have laughed – but now it’s  true!

Everything comes round in circles. Look at Duchamp, ​putting an urinal in a gallery in 1917, how ahead of his time was he? Anyway you know the old saying ‘if you want to get ahead, get a hat ‘…1934 that slogan was created.

Thank you Dan for your time, we look forward to new work in 2016.

[ralphmorgan-blog1]

Family Sends The Most Awkward Christmas Cards For 15 Years, And Its Too Funny

If you think you’ve already seen the funniest family Christmas card of the season, think again. Every year since 2003, the Bergeron family has been ringing in the holidays by producing the most clever and hilarious greeting cards we’ve ever seen, and just like the snow outside, they’re showing no signs of stopping.

Mike Bergeron, his wife Laura, and their two daughters known online as ‘Gigi’ and ‘Juju’ have made an annual tradition out of the refreshingly original photoshoots, and each December, they choose a new knee-slapping theme. Whether they draw on pop culture, local culture, or embarrassingly awkward family cards of yore, they always seem to pull it off as a team. Special credit is due, of course, to the JC Penney Portrait Studio, which has seen them all the way from ‘white trash Christmas’ to a full drag ensemble.

Scroll down to take in each joyful edition for yourself, read the stories behind them in Mike Bergeron’s own words, and tell us which ones sent you into a fit of jolly laughter in the comments.

2003, Forty & Fighting It

Our first card! The original concept was “Plugs & Juggs”, but we had to choose this photo because of the priceless facial expressions, even though you can’t see Laura’s overly-augmented rack. Thus, we call this “Forty & Fighting It”. The photographer tried to move the light away from overhead and I had to ask her to shine it directly down on me – she didn’t know how to tell me that it was reflecting off of my head and making me look like I was balding. Finally, I just told her that the balding look was what I was after. She had no idea that we were dressed up in costumes!

2004, We’re Dreaming of a White Trash Xmas

When I went to the JC Penney Portrait Studio to pick-up our cards, they were very busy with the holiday rush and the manager (who was also the cashier) was clearly stressed-out, answering phones, organizing photo sittings, delegating to her employees and systematically trying to work through the line at the cash register. After patiently waiting for about 10 minutes, it was my turn to be helped and she immediately went into sales mode, taking control of the transaction and regurgitating her customer service talk track in a frenzy, multitasking all-the-while, mind you, and not able to really give me her full attention. Her – “Welcome to JC Penney Portrait Studio, how can I help you today, sir?” Me – “I’m here to pick-up my Christmas cards.” Her – “Okay, what is your last name?” Me – “It’s Bergeron, but I have my receipt right here, if that helps.” Her – “Okay, thank you. Give me just a moment while I get your order. Sir, it appears they accidentally printed an 8×10, which is usually $19.99, but we’ll let you have it for $5, since it was our mistake.” Me – “No thanks.” Her – “Okay…well, I see that your wife is pregnant…I hope you will be coming back to JC Penney to take your baby pictures.” Me (smiling at the realization that she doesn’t get the joke) – “Actually, she’s not really pregnant…and if she was, I wouldn’t let her drink beer or smoke cigarettes…and, as you can see, I don’t really have a mullet. Its a joke card.” In the midst of what was utter chaos for her at that moment, she just sort of stared at me in bewilderment as the cashier next to her stopped what he was doing, leaned over to look at the card and said to me with pure and utter excitement, “Dude, that’s awesome!” Me – “Thanks. Merry Christmas!” As I took my cards and walked away, the manager stood there in absolute confusion, her brain apparently frozen with the realization that her sales training had failed to prepare her for this situation.

2005, Your Aunt & Uncle Who Live in the Midwest

Being a Bergeron, I have always known that I would eventually lose my hair. We are trained from birth to accept the fact that someday our hair will fall out. At the age of 32, it was apparent to me that my days were numbered and if I wanted to make fun of being bald, then this would likely be my last chance before the joke would become reality. So, on the afternoon of the photo shoot, I had Laura shave the hair off of the top of my head…and I’ve been bald ever since. The thing is, I had to walk around with a bald head for a couple of weeks while the holiday card was processing and shipping, but I didn’t want to give anyone any hints about what the card might be. So, when people would ask me why I suddenly shaved all of the hair off of my head, I would give them some made-up excuse like, “I joined a cult” or, “I’m a racist” or, “Chicks really seem to like that Vin Diesel guy, so I thought I’d give it a shot.” Incidentally, one of the other excuses I would give was, “I’m a competitive swimmer and I wanted to shave some time off my laps.” A few years later, I was bartending and my friend Kristine came in with one of her girlfriends. We chatted a bit and I mixed them up some special shots and then Kristine got up to go to the restroom and her friend says to me, “So, Kristine tells me you’re a swimmer.” Now the question is: How many people are out there who still believe I really joined a cult?

2006, A Very Special Xmas

A couple of years before we started this tradition, my friend, Jeremy, worked during the holidays in a photo studio.  If he thought that a family portrait was particularly funny, he would print a copy for himself and put it on display in his living room.  They were all awkward and wonderful in their own way, but there was one photo in particular that was so delightfully goofy and uncomfortable that it has always stuck with me.  This card is an effort to recreate the magic of that card.  I’ll be the first to admit that we fall terribly short, but I think it still manages to bring some joy to the holiday season!

2007, American Gothic Xmas

Overshadowed by controversy, some “purists” have accused us of cheating with this particular card because we Photoshopped it.  For those who love it, thanks…we love you, too. For those who feel we cheated…look, we actually dressed-up in costumes and took a photograph for this card (we even bought a pitchfork!). However, since the original work was done with paint on canvas and did not look like a real-life photo, we felt it would be a better choice to manipulate our photo to look like the painting. Since neither Laura nor I are graphic designers, it was quite difficult and time-consuming, but we are very pleased with the way it came out. Anyone who thinks we took the easy way out on this one is simply oblivious to the effort it required. By the way, this was Laura’s departed grandmother’s favorite out of all of our cards. Oh, and for those of you who have suggested that the guy looks nothing like me, just wait until my relatives on my dad’s side view this post and they all chime-in about how I look exactly like my Grandpa Bergeron. In short, suck it, haters!

2008, Merry Krishnas

We got started a little late this year, which meant that when we went to JC Penney to take our picture, there was a one hour wait. We walked through the mall and wound up eating dinner in the food court. I only wish that we had brought flowers.

2009, Los Cholos

This is my personal favorite. Some cards are obviously a joke, but when a card looks as real as this one, it is something special. Again, on this particular year, we weren’t able to take the picture until after Thanksgiving, so the JC Penney photo studio was very busy and we had to wait for an hour to get in. Understandably so, Laura was nervous about walking around the Westminster Mall looking like we did, but I reassured her by saying, “Seriously? Look at us…nobody is going to fuck with us!” I was right…not a single person would even make eye contact with us.

2010, Olin Mills Family Portrait from 1981

May your holiday table be a smorgasbord of cheese balls, fruitcakes, and hams!  In many ways, this card best represents what we were trying to achieve from the very beginning. Our concept was inspired by the inherently awkward nature of holiday family photos that has now become so popular in the age of the internet. We wanted to try to capture that awkwardness (in a next level sort of way) and give everyone we know the gift of having a funny card on their fridge that would capture the spirit of the holiday season. When they had people over to their house during the holidays, they could take pleasure in seeing their guests’ reactions upon viewing the card without realizing it was a joke. On a side note, as a bald man who has known his entire life that he would grow up to be bald, it had been a longtime aspiration of mine to sport a combover at some point because they are so fascinating in their ridiculousness! So, this particular card allowed me to not only fulfill a lifelong dream, but also to capture it in all of its glory for the ages.

2011, The Unibrows

I love the idea for this picture, but personally, I think it could’ve been better executed. Don’t get me wrong, we look funny & Gigi really gives the card a whole other dynamic with her incredible cuteness, but I think this concept had the potential to be our best card ever, if we had done it right.

2012, Goth Xmas

This is your legacy, girls…embrace it!

2013, Jazz Hands

Sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle :)  Look at Laura…bringing it! Look at Gigi…bringing it! Look at Juju…well, protesting (at least she’s consistent). I am truly blessed.

2014, The Holidays Are Such a Drag

I doubt if anyone at the JC Penney Portrait Studio even thought twice about Laura and the girls, but it was a pretty busy year and we were waiting for about 45 minutes for the photographer to be available, so I am certain that my presence made a lot of people uncomfortable in the studio’s waiting area. I had to hunt high and low for shoes that would fit me (thanks Lane Bryant) and, of course, I shaved my legs, so you can imagine how excited I was that we wound up choosing a shot from the waist up. And, seriously, how friggin’ cute are those boys? If we had given Gigi glasses, I think she would’ve looked an awful lot like Ralphie!

2015, Les Modèles (AKA Fashionistas, AKA Euro Trash)

His shoes – $850, her shoes – $950, spending your holiday with the Bergerons – priceless.

2016, Cussin Jerry nem

A little over a year ago, Gigi started calling me “Cousin Jerry.” It caught on with her little sister and, after a while, I started talking to them as I imagined Cousin Jerry would. Since then, he has become a regular visitor in our household, so it seemed fitting to share him with all of you this holiday season. If y’all are lucky, you may get to see “Creepy Larry” (another Gigi-inspired character) and his family in a future card…we’ll just have to see. Side note…and I feel like I say this every year, but…look at Gigi bringing it!!!

2017, Gingers in Paradise

We went in a slightly different direction this year, which required stepping out of the JCP Portrait Studio and using a photographer (big thanks to Marco Montenegro) at the local beach. This our nod to the ever-so-popular holiday card theme that says “Look at us soaking up the sun’s rays in a beautiful tropical paradise while you’re freezing your nuts off…don’t you wish you were us?”

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Family Sends The Most Awkward Christmas Cards For 15 Years, And It’s Too Funny

If you think you’ve already seen the funniest family Christmas card of the season, think again. Every year since 2003, the Bergeron family has been ringing in the holidays by producing the most clever and hilarious greeting cards we’ve ever seen, and just like the snow outside, they’re showing no signs of stopping.

Mike Bergeron, his wife Laura, and their two daughters known online as ‘Gigi’ and ‘Juju’ have made an annual tradition out of the refreshingly original photoshoots, and each December, they choose a new knee-slapping theme. Whether they draw on pop culture, local culture, or embarrassingly awkward family cards of yore, they always seem to pull it off as a team. Special credit is due, of course, to the JC Penney Portrait Studio, which has seen them all the way from ‘white trash Christmas’ to a full drag ensemble.

Scroll down to take in each joyful edition for yourself, read the stories behind them in Mike Bergeron’s own words, and tell us which ones sent you into a fit of jolly laughter in the comments.

2003, Forty & Fighting It

Our first card! The original concept was “Plugs & Juggs”, but we had to choose this photo because of the priceless facial expressions, even though you can’t see Laura’s overly-augmented rack. Thus, we call this “Forty & Fighting It”. The photographer tried to move the light away from overhead and I had to ask her to shine it directly down on me – she didn’t know how to tell me that it was reflecting off of my head and making me look like I was balding. Finally, I just told her that the balding look was what I was after. She had no idea that we were dressed up in costumes!

2004, We’re Dreaming of a White Trash Xmas

When I went to the JC Penney Portrait Studio to pick-up our cards, they were very busy with the holiday rush and the manager (who was also the cashier) was clearly stressed-out, answering phones, organizing photo sittings, delegating to her employees and systematically trying to work through the line at the cash register. After patiently waiting for about 10 minutes, it was my turn to be helped and she immediately went into sales mode, taking control of the transaction and regurgitating her customer service talk track in a frenzy, multitasking all-the-while, mind you, and not able to really give me her full attention. Her – “Welcome to JC Penney Portrait Studio, how can I help you today, sir?” Me – “I’m here to pick-up my Christmas cards.” Her – “Okay, what is your last name?” Me – “It’s Bergeron, but I have my receipt right here, if that helps.” Her – “Okay, thank you. Give me just a moment while I get your order. Sir, it appears they accidentally printed an 8×10, which is usually $19.99, but we’ll let you have it for $5, since it was our mistake.” Me – “No thanks.” Her – “Okay…well, I see that your wife is pregnant…I hope you will be coming back to JC Penney to take your baby pictures.” Me (smiling at the realization that she doesn’t get the joke) – “Actually, she’s not really pregnant…and if she was, I wouldn’t let her drink beer or smoke cigarettes…and, as you can see, I don’t really have a mullet. Its a joke card.” In the midst of what was utter chaos for her at that moment, she just sort of stared at me in bewilderment as the cashier next to her stopped what he was doing, leaned over to look at the card and said to me with pure and utter excitement, “Dude, that’s awesome!” Me – “Thanks. Merry Christmas!” As I took my cards and walked away, the manager stood there in absolute confusion, her brain apparently frozen with the realization that her sales training had failed to prepare her for this situation.

2005, Your Aunt & Uncle Who Live in the Midwest

Being a Bergeron, I have always known that I would eventually lose my hair. We are trained from birth to accept the fact that someday our hair will fall out. At the age of 32, it was apparent to me that my days were numbered and if I wanted to make fun of being bald, then this would likely be my last chance before the joke would become reality. So, on the afternoon of the photo shoot, I had Laura shave the hair off of the top of my head…and I’ve been bald ever since. The thing is, I had to walk around with a bald head for a couple of weeks while the holiday card was processing and shipping, but I didn’t want to give anyone any hints about what the card might be. So, when people would ask me why I suddenly shaved all of the hair off of my head, I would give them some made-up excuse like, “I joined a cult” or, “I’m a racist” or, “Chicks really seem to like that Vin Diesel guy, so I thought I’d give it a shot.” Incidentally, one of the other excuses I would give was, “I’m a competitive swimmer and I wanted to shave some time off my laps.” A few years later, I was bartending and my friend Kristine came in with one of her girlfriends. We chatted a bit and I mixed them up some special shots and then Kristine got up to go to the restroom and her friend says to me, “So, Kristine tells me you’re a swimmer.” Now the question is: How many people are out there who still believe I really joined a cult?

2006, A Very Special Xmas

A couple of years before we started this tradition, my friend, Jeremy, worked during the holidays in a photo studio.  If he thought that a family portrait was particularly funny, he would print a copy for himself and put it on display in his living room.  They were all awkward and wonderful in their own way, but there was one photo in particular that was so delightfully goofy and uncomfortable that it has always stuck with me.  This card is an effort to recreate the magic of that card.  I’ll be the first to admit that we fall terribly short, but I think it still manages to bring some joy to the holiday season!

2007, American Gothic Xmas

Overshadowed by controversy, some “purists” have accused us of cheating with this particular card because we Photoshopped it.  For those who love it, thanks…we love you, too. For those who feel we cheated…look, we actually dressed-up in costumes and took a photograph for this card (we even bought a pitchfork!). However, since the original work was done with paint on canvas and did not look like a real-life photo, we felt it would be a better choice to manipulate our photo to look like the painting. Since neither Laura nor I are graphic designers, it was quite difficult and time-consuming, but we are very pleased with the way it came out. Anyone who thinks we took the easy way out on this one is simply oblivious to the effort it required. By the way, this was Laura’s departed grandmother’s favorite out of all of our cards. Oh, and for those of you who have suggested that the guy looks nothing like me, just wait until my relatives on my dad’s side view this post and they all chime-in about how I look exactly like my Grandpa Bergeron. In short, suck it, haters!

2008, Merry Krishnas

We got started a little late this year, which meant that when we went to JC Penney to take our picture, there was a one hour wait. We walked through the mall and wound up eating dinner in the food court. I only wish that we had brought flowers.

2009, Los Cholos

This is my personal favorite. Some cards are obviously a joke, but when a card looks as real as this one, it is something special. Again, on this particular year, we weren’t able to take the picture until after Thanksgiving, so the JC Penney photo studio was very busy and we had to wait for an hour to get in. Understandably so, Laura was nervous about walking around the Westminster Mall looking like we did, but I reassured her by saying, “Seriously? Look at us…nobody is going to fuck with us!” I was right…not a single person would even make eye contact with us.

2010, Olin Mills Family Portrait from 1981

May your holiday table be a smorgasbord of cheese balls, fruitcakes, and hams!  In many ways, this card best represents what we were trying to achieve from the very beginning. Our concept was inspired by the inherently awkward nature of holiday family photos that has now become so popular in the age of the internet. We wanted to try to capture that awkwardness (in a next level sort of way) and give everyone we know the gift of having a funny card on their fridge that would capture the spirit of the holiday season. When they had people over to their house during the holidays, they could take pleasure in seeing their guests’ reactions upon viewing the card without realizing it was a joke. On a side note, as a bald man who has known his entire life that he would grow up to be bald, it had been a longtime aspiration of mine to sport a combover at some point because they are so fascinating in their ridiculousness! So, this particular card allowed me to not only fulfill a lifelong dream, but also to capture it in all of its glory for the ages.

2011, The Unibrows

I love the idea for this picture, but personally, I think it could’ve been better executed. Don’t get me wrong, we look funny & Gigi really gives the card a whole other dynamic with her incredible cuteness, but I think this concept had the potential to be our best card ever, if we had done it right.

2012, Goth Xmas

This is your legacy, girls…embrace it!

2013, Jazz Hands

Sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle   Look at Laura…bringing it! Look at Gigi…bringing it! Look at Juju…well, protesting (at least she’s consistent). I am truly blessed.

2014, The Holidays Are Such a Drag

I doubt if anyone at the JC Penney Portrait Studio even thought twice about Laura and the girls, but it was a pretty busy year and we were waiting for about 45 minutes for the photographer to be available, so I am certain that my presence made a lot of people uncomfortable in the studio’s waiting area. I had to hunt high and low for shoes that would fit me (thanks Lane Bryant) and, of course, I shaved my legs, so you can imagine how excited I was that we wound up choosing a shot from the waist up. And, seriously, how friggin’ cute are those boys? If we had given Gigi glasses, I think she would’ve looked an awful lot like Ralphie!

2015, Les Modèles (AKA Fashionistas, AKA Euro Trash)

His shoes – $850, her shoes – $950, spending your holiday with the Bergerons – priceless.

2016, Cussin Jerry nem

A little over a year ago, Gigi started calling me “Cousin Jerry.” It caught on with her little sister and, after a while, I started talking to them as I imagined Cousin Jerry would. Since then, he has become a regular visitor in our household, so it seemed fitting to share him with all of you this holiday season. If y’all are lucky, you may get to see “Creepy Larry” (another Gigi-inspired character) and his family in a future card…we’ll just have to see. Side note…and I feel like I say this every year, but…look at Gigi bringing it!!!

2017, Gingers in Paradise

We went in a slightly different direction this year, which required stepping out of the JCP Portrait Studio and using a photographer (big thanks to Marco Montenegro) at the local beach. This our nod to the ever-so-popular holiday card theme that says “Look at us soaking up the sun’s rays in a beautiful tropical paradise while you’re freezing your nuts off…don’t you wish you were us?”

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2B4qRVP via Viral News HQ

[trendingnewsb]

Family Sends The Most Awkward Christmas Cards For 15 Years, And It’s Too Funny

If you think you’ve already seen the funniest family Christmas card of the season, think again. Every year since 2003, the Bergeron family has been ringing in the holidays by producing the most clever and hilarious greeting cards we’ve ever seen, and just like the snow outside, they’re showing no signs of stopping.

Mike Bergeron, his wife Laura, and their two daughters known online as ‘Gigi’ and ‘Juju’ have made an annual tradition out of the refreshingly original photoshoots, and each December, they choose a new knee-slapping theme. Whether they draw on pop culture, local culture, or embarrassingly awkward family cards of yore, they always seem to pull it off as a team. Special credit is due, of course, to the JC Penney Portrait Studio, which has seen them all the way from ‘white trash Christmas’ to a full drag ensemble.

Scroll down to take in each joyful edition for yourself, read the stories behind them in Mike Bergeron’s own words, and tell us which ones sent you into a fit of jolly laughter in the comments.

2003, Forty & Fighting It

Our first card! The original concept was “Plugs & Juggs”, but we had to choose this photo because of the priceless facial expressions, even though you can’t see Laura’s overly-augmented rack. Thus, we call this “Forty & Fighting It”. The photographer tried to move the light away from overhead and I had to ask her to shine it directly down on me – she didn’t know how to tell me that it was reflecting off of my head and making me look like I was balding. Finally, I just told her that the balding look was what I was after. She had no idea that we were dressed up in costumes!

2004, We’re Dreaming of a White Trash Xmas

When I went to the JC Penney Portrait Studio to pick-up our cards, they were very busy with the holiday rush and the manager (who was also the cashier) was clearly stressed-out, answering phones, organizing photo sittings, delegating to her employees and systematically trying to work through the line at the cash register. After patiently waiting for about 10 minutes, it was my turn to be helped and she immediately went into sales mode, taking control of the transaction and regurgitating her customer service talk track in a frenzy, multitasking all-the-while, mind you, and not able to really give me her full attention. Her – “Welcome to JC Penney Portrait Studio, how can I help you today, sir?” Me – “I’m here to pick-up my Christmas cards.” Her – “Okay, what is your last name?” Me – “It’s Bergeron, but I have my receipt right here, if that helps.” Her – “Okay, thank you. Give me just a moment while I get your order. Sir, it appears they accidentally printed an 8×10, which is usually $19.99, but we’ll let you have it for $5, since it was our mistake.” Me – “No thanks.” Her – “Okay…well, I see that your wife is pregnant…I hope you will be coming back to JC Penney to take your baby pictures.” Me (smiling at the realization that she doesn’t get the joke) – “Actually, she’s not really pregnant…and if she was, I wouldn’t let her drink beer or smoke cigarettes…and, as you can see, I don’t really have a mullet. Its a joke card.” In the midst of what was utter chaos for her at that moment, she just sort of stared at me in bewilderment as the cashier next to her stopped what he was doing, leaned over to look at the card and said to me with pure and utter excitement, “Dude, that’s awesome!” Me – “Thanks. Merry Christmas!” As I took my cards and walked away, the manager stood there in absolute confusion, her brain apparently frozen with the realization that her sales training had failed to prepare her for this situation.

2005, Your Aunt & Uncle Who Live in the Midwest

Being a Bergeron, I have always known that I would eventually lose my hair. We are trained from birth to accept the fact that someday our hair will fall out. At the age of 32, it was apparent to me that my days were numbered and if I wanted to make fun of being bald, then this would likely be my last chance before the joke would become reality. So, on the afternoon of the photo shoot, I had Laura shave the hair off of the top of my head…and I’ve been bald ever since. The thing is, I had to walk around with a bald head for a couple of weeks while the holiday card was processing and shipping, but I didn’t want to give anyone any hints about what the card might be. So, when people would ask me why I suddenly shaved all of the hair off of my head, I would give them some made-up excuse like, “I joined a cult” or, “I’m a racist” or, “Chicks really seem to like that Vin Diesel guy, so I thought I’d give it a shot.” Incidentally, one of the other excuses I would give was, “I’m a competitive swimmer and I wanted to shave some time off my laps.” A few years later, I was bartending and my friend Kristine came in with one of her girlfriends. We chatted a bit and I mixed them up some special shots and then Kristine got up to go to the restroom and her friend says to me, “So, Kristine tells me you’re a swimmer.” Now the question is: How many people are out there who still believe I really joined a cult?

2006, A Very Special Xmas

A couple of years before we started this tradition, my friend, Jeremy, worked during the holidays in a photo studio.  If he thought that a family portrait was particularly funny, he would print a copy for himself and put it on display in his living room.  They were all awkward and wonderful in their own way, but there was one photo in particular that was so delightfully goofy and uncomfortable that it has always stuck with me.  This card is an effort to recreate the magic of that card.  I’ll be the first to admit that we fall terribly short, but I think it still manages to bring some joy to the holiday season!

2007, American Gothic Xmas

Overshadowed by controversy, some “purists” have accused us of cheating with this particular card because we Photoshopped it.  For those who love it, thanks…we love you, too. For those who feel we cheated…look, we actually dressed-up in costumes and took a photograph for this card (we even bought a pitchfork!). However, since the original work was done with paint on canvas and did not look like a real-life photo, we felt it would be a better choice to manipulate our photo to look like the painting. Since neither Laura nor I are graphic designers, it was quite difficult and time-consuming, but we are very pleased with the way it came out. Anyone who thinks we took the easy way out on this one is simply oblivious to the effort it required. By the way, this was Laura’s departed grandmother’s favorite out of all of our cards. Oh, and for those of you who have suggested that the guy looks nothing like me, just wait until my relatives on my dad’s side view this post and they all chime-in about how I look exactly like my Grandpa Bergeron. In short, suck it, haters!

2008, Merry Krishnas

We got started a little late this year, which meant that when we went to JC Penney to take our picture, there was a one hour wait. We walked through the mall and wound up eating dinner in the food court. I only wish that we had brought flowers.

2009, Los Cholos

This is my personal favorite. Some cards are obviously a joke, but when a card looks as real as this one, it is something special. Again, on this particular year, we weren’t able to take the picture until after Thanksgiving, so the JC Penney photo studio was very busy and we had to wait for an hour to get in. Understandably so, Laura was nervous about walking around the Westminster Mall looking like we did, but I reassured her by saying, “Seriously? Look at us…nobody is going to fuck with us!” I was right…not a single person would even make eye contact with us.

2010, Olin Mills Family Portrait from 1981

May your holiday table be a smorgasbord of cheese balls, fruitcakes, and hams!  In many ways, this card best represents what we were trying to achieve from the very beginning. Our concept was inspired by the inherently awkward nature of holiday family photos that has now become so popular in the age of the internet. We wanted to try to capture that awkwardness (in a next level sort of way) and give everyone we know the gift of having a funny card on their fridge that would capture the spirit of the holiday season. When they had people over to their house during the holidays, they could take pleasure in seeing their guests’ reactions upon viewing the card without realizing it was a joke. On a side note, as a bald man who has known his entire life that he would grow up to be bald, it had been a longtime aspiration of mine to sport a combover at some point because they are so fascinating in their ridiculousness! So, this particular card allowed me to not only fulfill a lifelong dream, but also to capture it in all of its glory for the ages.

2011, The Unibrows

I love the idea for this picture, but personally, I think it could’ve been better executed. Don’t get me wrong, we look funny & Gigi really gives the card a whole other dynamic with her incredible cuteness, but I think this concept had the potential to be our best card ever, if we had done it right.

2012, Goth Xmas

This is your legacy, girls…embrace it!

2013, Jazz Hands

Sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle   Look at Laura…bringing it! Look at Gigi…bringing it! Look at Juju…well, protesting (at least she’s consistent). I am truly blessed.

2014, The Holidays Are Such a Drag

I doubt if anyone at the JC Penney Portrait Studio even thought twice about Laura and the girls, but it was a pretty busy year and we were waiting for about 45 minutes for the photographer to be available, so I am certain that my presence made a lot of people uncomfortable in the studio’s waiting area. I had to hunt high and low for shoes that would fit me (thanks Lane Bryant) and, of course, I shaved my legs, so you can imagine how excited I was that we wound up choosing a shot from the waist up. And, seriously, how friggin’ cute are those boys? If we had given Gigi glasses, I think she would’ve looked an awful lot like Ralphie!

2015, Les Modèles (AKA Fashionistas, AKA Euro Trash)

His shoes – $850, her shoes – $950, spending your holiday with the Bergerons – priceless.

2016, Cussin Jerry nem

A little over a year ago, Gigi started calling me “Cousin Jerry.” It caught on with her little sister and, after a while, I started talking to them as I imagined Cousin Jerry would. Since then, he has become a regular visitor in our household, so it seemed fitting to share him with all of you this holiday season. If y’all are lucky, you may get to see “Creepy Larry” (another Gigi-inspired character) and his family in a future card…we’ll just have to see. Side note…and I feel like I say this every year, but…look at Gigi bringing it!!!

2017, Gingers in Paradise

We went in a slightly different direction this year, which required stepping out of the JCP Portrait Studio and using a photographer (big thanks to Marco Montenegro) at the local beach. This our nod to the ever-so-popular holiday card theme that says “Look at us soaking up the sun’s rays in a beautiful tropical paradise while you’re freezing your nuts off…don’t you wish you were us?”

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