#holds my hand out at you. lets be yaoi/yuri together

[apileofmoss]

Moss are me and you yaoi or yuri?

hm. not sure,, why cant we be both?

[loveregrown]

hi perce.... i dont think ive ever asked this question sohere i am giggle. uhm who is ur favorite ra*bit or what's ur favorite ra*bit pairing (it can include someone outside of ra*bits as well) romantic or otherwise lalalalala

LENA...! 🥹🥹 I love you hi! This is very rambly. I love all of ra*bits and how they work together, as a unit, so much! I feel bad picking a favourite and am quite indecisive. Obviously I feel more connected to Hajime I feel due to others associations of him with me he lives in my heart, I'm so protective of Mitchuru like wow he's so wonderful and so awfully overlooked, and then Nito is Nito... ♡♡♡ but my favourite officially is probably Tomopyon?! He's stuck in my heart forever, a delightful boy who is so normal except no he isn't due to the ambiguous disorder! He's so silly and so beautiful, and he was my first favourite all because of Lena. Which is funny because your old all time ansta favourite then was Hajime, wasn't it? Yaoi, friendship, and ambiguous stuff below;

Uuu... I'm not anti polyrabits, it is not the devil to me, they can kiss if they want it is cute! It is I think about it! But I like rabits in general way more as it is, finding worth in it not being romantic when it comes to the themes at play and their dynamic. It's just way more compelling to me that way, the power of platonic love and friendship Saving You is so important that it almost feels a bit reductive, they can all love each other very much without it having to be romantic at all. If they look up to Nito and have puppy crushes it's kind of sweet... and mitsuhaji is cute. But I think they're really special & love is at the core of it all regardless, so it doesn't need to be made romantic. I so often think about how Nito was supposed to save them but they ended up saving him...

TOMOHAJI IS SO IMPORTANT AND SO INTERESTING TO ME THEY'RE SO CRAZY 🫠😵‍💫 I think they're the most romantic out of the rabits pairs to me although I love them as just friends too because THE THINGS THEY HAVE GOING ON AND HOW THEY TALK ABOUT EACH OTHER... GOT DAMN! It is very personal. Their long-lasting friendship, and how Hajime gets about it at times... BAH. It's kind of crazy. Tomohaji lookback scout? 🥹 ... "He's only been getting cuter lately, to the point where my heart would skip a beat at times... I think everyone would also fall in love with Hajime the moment they chat with him...♪" enough oh my gah. I like when hajime forced him to drink tea that was funny. Sometimes it feels like Tomopyon is blithely unaware of Hajime’s feelings... sad. But they're so special to me.

Outside of rabit x rabit... Mitsusorakasa got me CRUNK they're so CUTE and SPECIAL and it's funny how they are all honestly overlooked members of the units they're in ahaha and not quite taken seriously and it's sad, but they are just so sweet and should hold hands and have cuddle piles 😵‍💫😵‍💫 oh my gaw. Tomohokke is also so crazy everyone knows that you cannot take them anywhere. When Mitsuru was like "Didn’t you really like that Hokuto-senpai person? I guess it’s natural that you’d have some complicated feelings about this~?" & "Geez, he’s going to slip away because you’re dawdling you know! If you like him, you gotta let him know!" 😭😭😭 MITSURU!!!! TELLING TOMOPYON THAT HE'S FUMBLING THE BAG. I... Really care for Maguro and Mitsuru. I think about Maguro a lot. 🥹...

Teaclub. I love teaclub. AGH! It's so important to Ritsu & Eichi and Hajime plays such an important role and I feel almost bad for him, all alone in yumenosaki, teaclub-less & made to cope with the Eichi cut-out. 🥹😭 Ibahaji... I love how Ibara treats him as an equal... I love Ibanyan and Jimenyan (LENA MENTIONED!) I love bogie time I love how they still call themselves this to this day and what a positive impact it'll have on Ibara and perhaps even both of them, yuri or not, it's awesome they mean so much to me I will cry and die if no one's got me bogie time and ibahaji got me even though other parts of bogie time are so cute and funny too. I love Hajime and his friends so much! SUBAHAJI AND THEIR MOVIE DATE AND HOW HAJIME BLUSHED...? The talk about marriage?! They're crazy, although I'm not too invested in them romantically to the point I always think about them, but it's like, omg!!!! These guys never stop being yaoi!!! I think his friendships with Tsukachan and how Tsukachan would sometimes get jelly about him & Anzu is so silly and I love that card they have together my favorite cameos are Hajime cameos, and how cute and funny he and Midori are in biblio, bah...! I haven't invested too much time in hajitori but they're so cute together? Little pink and blue angels?! Mitsuru and Mama make me crazy sometimes. Track and field club!!!! I LOVE TEAM GOD ALSO I think nagisa sora and mitsuru should all be friends

Obviously theatre club when your circle small but all yall crazy. Wataru shouldve gotten a job to be quite honest. Just kidding because I love him. Their dynamic is so so funny

I love branco as a shuffle unit so much that I have pondered poly branco. I love that they are friends. I think Sora and Hajime deepening their bonds could be very valuable. Aichan is special to me as you may know, and the way Hajime compares Aichan to Tomoya due to their idol fan ways and spends time with him and calls himself Aichan's number one fan and asks him to never give up... 🥹 all of the branco interpersonal relationships are special to me!

I think it is really, really funny that Hajime loves Eichi and every other member of rabits would be happier if he died.

Shunazu makes me turn into the joker and I will forever be sick about it, from dragonfruit all the way to how Nito is still traumatized in certain ways that make my heart feel squeezed at, Mika's misplaced, complicated feelings towards Nito and all of the madness to do with Shu and Nito and how he was his muse and he still IS 😭 oh he still is! Nito just wants him to be happy... I see shmk fans erase Shu's past a lot. It is so important and shouldn't be, I feel, it only adds more value to valkyrie as it does to Nito I feel though I've complained about this before. So very nuanced... I've said much about ex valkyrie especially when it's about Mika's feelings about Nito I could speak about that specifically forever but I won't allow myself to right now it's just something diabolical to me. When Nito noticed Shu looked tired and asked if something was wrong and if he would help him, and also, Shu's feelings towards rabits... wah. People tend to forget human comedy is a rabits story too. The influence his time in valkyrie had over Nito's early unit leader behaviours and his projection onto the babits I think I will be sick. I would like to see them, especially shunazu, reconnect... I don't like how exvalk fans treat Nito at times & how they tend to reduce his character and only focus on when he was a shell of himself instead of celebrating how comfortable he is in his own skin now and how he can even be brutal at times, not that I dont love to focus on exvalk Nito, but there's something about how Nito-only nonrabits fans talk about him. You know? Shnz makes me smile still in spite of everything.

He was so funny during that livestream shumugi hosted and Nito was in the chat like "repentance" sure is an interesting theme ♪ and Shu shut his gay mouth and refused to make a comment. Imagine your ex pulling that move..!!! But seriously, they are so very fascinating and evil to me. The type of relationship that tears me from the inside out because both Shu and Nito make me sick.

A controversial romantic pair, I don't always like 1y×3y but tsumuhaji makes me crazy, I'm sorry, I have so many headcanons for them and everything. Even platonically, I think it's delightful! But uuu boyfriends. Tsumugi smells lavenders and thinks of him...

Ummm... I'm missing stuff here such as friendships and even pairings I have probably found cute before, but it is okay 🕊 thank you for the ask!

[ineedglasses]

Yikes...

Wow, I scrolled through the VK tag today and the discussion is getting heated with accusations being thrown around.

I saw some posts that I wanted to respond to but I decided to just state my thoughts in one big post. 

**Warning: I know not everyone will agree with my opinions, but lets keep the discussion civil. most of us are adults after all. 

Some members of this fandom have expressed their doubts that Ren and Ai are lesbians that are in love with each other and maintain that they are just very close siblings. That is what I would hope, that they are simply close siblings. However, Hino is making it very hard to not suspect their relationship. The way she portrays them makes them seem more like a couple than regular siblings.

(Btw: Thanks a lot to zekiship for providing raws, I really appreciate you taking the time and $ to do this)

The shojo ai vibes are very strong in these images. Let’s be real, how many of us hold our siblings like that, gaze at them like that, and bring our lips so close like that?

 If we showed these images to random people that don’t read the manga, I’m sure most of them would guess they are a romantic couple instead of siblings. Also Hino keeps talking about “desire”, which in the context of this manga mostly refers to a romantic and/or sexual desire. Obviously, Hino has not explicitly stated that Ren and Ai are a yuri couple, but she definitely seems to be implying that. TBH, if she is gonna be dancing around the edges like this, she might as well just be straightforward and explicitly state they are a yuri couple. I would applaud her for having the balls to do that in a mainstream shojo manga.

Another post stated that people in this fandom ship guys together but flip out when its a lesbian couple and basically insinuated that people who disapprove of RenAi are lesbophobes. I am gonna proceed on the assumption its in response to my prev. post speaking out against RenAi. 

The first part of that statement certainly does not apply to me, I don’t particularly ship any couple, hetero or yaoi or yuri in this series. I think there are many potential shojo ai couples Hino could have explored that I would have found more interesting, like Yori x Yuki or Yuki x Maria etc. Even if RenAi was a hetero couple, I would still find their relationship problematic. In conclusion, this has NOTHING to do with them being lesbians or not, and its honestly quite offensive to accuse people of being homophobic without any sound basis. I mean, there might be ppl out there that are against RenAi b/c they homophobic, but I think the majority of ppl against RenAi feel that way b/c of other reasons, and not anything to do with their sexual orientation.

There are MANY reasons why I don’t like RenAi that other ppl have already stated. My biggest one is that Ai literally raised Ren from the time she was a baby - she was basically a second mom b/c Yuki was too busy. How do you go from burping a baby to lusting after her when she grows up? That boggles my mind...Also, Ai was already like 70 years old when Ren was born, it seems like she never bothered making any meaningful connections with people before Ren came along. That’s kinda weird and very sad, her whole world just revolves around Ren. IMO, in any romantic relationship, you cannot let your life be consumed by your partner, you need to have a life of your own. I don’t like how she literally stalks Ren around all day and spying on her with binoculars. Like girl, you need to get a life of your own. Go meet some eligible bachelors or bachelorettes or go on a vacation or go help Yuki and Zero out with work. And this goes both ways!!! Ren, Ai literally raised you and changed your diapers! It seems like in the world of VK, only the Kurans and Zero are “good” so if Ren and Ai look for romantic partners or friends they can only look within their family b/c apparently everyone else in the world (ex. the other purebloods and lesser vampires) are “evil” and not worth interacting with. 

Then there were replies to that post discussing the incest component of RenAi and how ppl are being hypocritical by supporting Yume but being against RenAi. Let me get this out of the way: I DON’T support Yume or HarukaxJuri etc. (sorry Yume shippers, incest just isn’t my cup of tea, but on the other hand I am not a Zeki either; I’m one of the few ppl in this fandom that simply doesn’t care for either of the main couples) In my prev. post I simply stated Hino’s justification for the incest among the Kurans (its to keep the lineage clean etc.), just stating the author’s explanation does not mean I support it. My main issue is that she keeps harping on the incest factor at the expense of the plot. Someone said that VK is supposed to be a dark manga so that’s why the incest is there...TBH I’ve read manga with much darker themes so if Hino is doing this to explore the darkness of the human/vampire soul or whatever, its not working so well. If she wanted to talk about dark stuff, there are themes other than incest that she can expound on, such as the hierarchical nature of vampire society and the predation of young children for their blood etc. 

As others have commented, it seems Hino is just trying to force the original love triangle to some conclusion through Ren and Ai. I think Hino needs to stop spending so many pages on Ren and Ai’s relationship, whether it be platonic or not, and actually work on her plot. Like what will happen to Kaname as he lives out the rest of his life as a human? Did Yuki and Zero ever come to some peace agreement with the other purebloods? etc.

Anyway, for ppl reading this, if there are things I said that you don’t agree with, don’t take it too personally and get all upset. I’m sure we all got bigger fish to fry like paying bills and taking finals  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  I’m only still reading VKM b/c I started VK in middle school and I like getting closure lol. Also, I know its too much to expect, but I want to see if Rukain or Shima had any kids and what happened to Takuma etc.

[marika-kurohime]

Tales of Vesperia: “Yuri is The Morning Star “her” self as “she” should be” theory (11/26 complete)

First of all, sorry for BAD English here.

Previously I’ve tried to post this on youtube, but... here is the full version of it. 

 We all are confused at the moment by Tales of the Rays storyline and Vesperia’s postgame situation especially. 

It's crazy for NO JOKE. Let's do this. If you're fine to think of Vesperia as something simple with yaoi/yuri ships - for now you can STILL do so, but 

you have to see optional dungeons of this game: "Labyrinth of Memories" with Kratos Aurion in it and "the Necropolis of Nostalgia" (Patty got the key to start that VERY HARD and annoying dungeon (enter is in Zaude) which explains the whole "Сhildren of the Full Moon" thing and this world's past), open up all the skits and so on... It'll rise A LOT of questions, believe me.

This is where you can read this 

I'm NOT fine with yaoi/yuri ships and there seems to be the one and only RIGHT way to understand all this mess, but it's crazy. 

I don't want to write the theory before we have at least some facts, So, I'll only warn you for now that: 

1)Yuri is with Raven ALL THE TIME in ALL worlds: Link, Asteria (chapter 4), even Rays where we have Estelle with us... you will read something... strange... (yeah... "strange" is a good word for it) between Yuri and RAVEN all the time. 

2) It seems that Yuri and Rita have some sort of connection to Iria's and Luka's (Tales of Innocence) god-powers. 

To sum this up: or this game is just plain and stupid or it has a different gender system. Think about this:

Rita's dresser scene, and also, how Yuri lived his life before and after his attempt to join the knights (some skits hinted this... and we got THIS dirty card of him for New Year)

I can't say any more right now, we all want some facts regarding, well, his gender, current behavior and his postgame relationship with Raven and Estelle,

 BUT one thing for sure. HE IS NOTHING close to what you'll expect of him even if you ship him and Flynn together. 

Maybe, from now on (Tales of The Rays arc 3) this line will be shown for the first time, I don't know... thanks to PXZ2 I'm afraid to know...

There is more to this.  In his True Knight outfit,

 he has pointy ears for some reason. 

And to top it all: so-called fanservice in the Rays' special anime just killed me on the spot.

NO NORMAL explanation for THIS. He is not only nothing even close to a human (half-elves included) and can BE confused with a woman as with Leon (Tales of Destiny) and his sister (Leon is only 16 years old ), ALL NORMAL men see Yuri THIS way at his... well he is 21 at the beginning of the game and 22+ by the end. 

No facts. They've been MESSING with us for two years before DE's worldwide release. And It gets waaaay more serious from now on... 

JUST LOOK at...him(???) from the God Eater collaboration trailer... 

No, no, no, I don’t think that I’m seeing things... 

And so, to make a long story short: 360 version was incomplete (or "censored" by Namco themselves is a better way to say it) to the point when you can't get this story at all. 

Are you sure you want to know more?... for a joke, it went tooooo far somewhere after we left Heracles, 

but what I'm reading now... makes me split my tea and think of dropping it all for good because of Yuri and Yuri alone. 

Tales of Asteria made it even worse. In chapter 4 we have 3 lines about returning memories to a person, who the character holds dear: Jude-Milla, Collette-Lloyd, AND Raven-Yuri... 

guess which one was mature, tragic and romantic the most?

And he wasn't called Yuri in the title of his Chapter. It was something like: "The fate of the Morning Star". Just like in the at least two tracks from OST of the original game. This and that one too. And who the hell is this so-called Morning Star??? 

Well... 

So... basically, the main character here is RAVEN. 

And it's a story how he got himself our dear "hell of a goddess" 

for a... 

sorry... for a friggin substitute of his lost love

 (and Yuri resembles her greatly to make it worse).

Tales of the Rays arc 2 was HELL of a read for me because of Yuri alone... 

He is living with Raven, нe worried sick for Flynn's wellbeing, 

he constantly shakes off Estelle on Rita...

FOR a friggin YEAR! Main Vesperia's story explains NOTHING 

of what you really need to know.

 You need to 100% clear this game only to get some dirty hints and a mind blow trying to put all this mess together.

 If you know Japanese, then Drama CD's help as well.

Update: And yes, THIS was some anniversary to add the fuel to the fire. And as I feared, it is NOT only Asteria’s problem for sure. 

So, we love Tales of Vesperia only because people do not bother to find out, what “VESPERia” means.

 “Vesper” means Venus (or Astar/Astarte, Morning (male form - Anunit)/Evening Star) GODDESS OF LOVE and justice,  yeah, yeah...

... and prostitution,

homosexual relationships and war and a lot more). Goddess, damn it...  

Remember this statue at the Baction Shrine?...

Update: actually all this mess isn’t just about him being who he is, the main problem is THIS map

which is clearly our Mother Earth and not their Terca Lumieres AT ALL! Add to this what The Morning Star himself tried to say in Project X Zone 2:

 Sooo... does it mean, that he got his reputation in our Earthly mythos simply living out his life to the fullest on some sort of “vacation trip” and is remembered by two names

(as Shamash and his twin sister Ishtar)? Daaaamn, 

as if Judith’s novel wasn’t bad (I mean great) enough...

And now goes our final mythos based theory: Yuri isn't exactly a goddess, he is just a very high-ranked and powerful anunnaki. And he has THIS level of mental disorder separating Shamash

( light: True Knight in the heart, kindness (love), and justice) 

“ His friend wasn't a knight, he was part of a guild. His friend didn't believe in "justice" and "virtue" but rather "resolution" and "morality". ” About Yuri from Flynn’s biography in the Tales of the Rays. 

Although often cynical, he has a strong sense of justice and possesses an earnest desire to aid the weak and the powerless. (c) Crosspedia PXZ2 (2015)

and Ishtar... 

sorry, not this one. Ishtar (Anunit, The Morning Star)

(dark: a whore to the bone, love (means sex) & war) parts of his personality. That means that both of "them" aren't whole and... 

well, it’s better to stop here for now and see how bad our Dark Venus with a hero syndrome:

will be from the point when... 

when “She” gets (regains?) “Her” full self-awareness...

*PXZ  Project X Zone (sorry, spelled it wrong, but I’m too furious, you see, to check small details. I hate so much I even had to write all this about MY favorite MALE character I mistook “HER” for... to begin with. Hate the very thought people still didn’t know WHOSE Anniversary it is. If Namco wouldn’t give proper explanations, or they will be worse than what we can assume now... well, I did everything I could for HIM... before all the HELL this body really is for

breaks out. because It’s impossible to continue like this

and Yuri himself already understood that even Flynn saw him in a different light for all his life.

Update:

and with a new skill like that (by-the-books Lightbringer to me), it all will be confirmed/over in a few months at best.

Gods!

...this is not fun even for me anymore. I'm starting to pity "her" for real. DE isn't even a remake, you know... 

It's PS3's remake but PS3 and 360 are NOT one and the same. What did we do to deserve this ten years after? (5 for me) ...Oh, what a mess. 

It can only be compared with Estelle's new dress. 

Screaming "dawn"+"bride" 100% Aya (as a silly child in her dreams to make it the worst situation possible for her for Aya has no info about her in the mythos so you can imagine on whom she is based on personality-wise from now on). 

And the whole Namco's Universe is Unus Mundus based. This much is obvious from Anima&Animus + Ix's-zerom connection thing as they have shown it. 

So... Vesperia's story so far (all with "probably" before every statement):

1) Something horrible happened to right-handed "HER" before he is shown left-handed 7 years old boy. (Luke and Schwann are both left-handed, Damuron, Raven, and Asch aren't).

2) Something horrible happened to HIM after the movie resulting in a second kinda split of what should be The MORNING part 

into what I call Shamash and Anunit "twins". Damn. 

3) Something truly horrible happened to "them" atop of Zaude for he has a blastia and that "survival" of his now....looks really fishy. 

4) And a TOTAL SHIT happened in the end atop of Tarquaron. for "their"'s body is Istar's avatar kinda thing and we got that Brave Vesperia "star" smashed in pieces, so it is a spirit now... and you can imagine what we have in the Rays in addition to “them” (total four of them: Shamash for Estelle, Nergal for Judith, Ishtar for Flynn and Anat for Raven... 

or even more) and “their” problems... This gonna be a once in a lifetime experience if our dear author is bold enough to drag ISTAR (Sirius star WOLF GOD) here to play the Fenrir's part not just our poor Anunit (Nanaiya) "girl" based on goddess Sakuya.

 And what in the world was 360th Yuri then who earned 8.5. years of love, respect and admiration of the fans worldwide before Claw bitch in Asteria ruined EVERYTHING “he” сould for him?  Who suffers so much from the mistreating he gets from everyone at their Dorms? 

Hah... just a half of something really close to Luke's kind of existence 

...without his own body. 

 This whole Rays "story" is a ONE BIG MESS meant to explain THIS. 

AND this gonna hit really hard even those of us who are well prepared because Duke’s event and info from the near future were unexpected and crazy enough for me to get shocked despite all this lore digging. Then I did even more lore digging and dropped it all for good after chapter 9 of FR arc. 

I just want to see how people will react if all the shit you just finished reading here about our favorite world and character

 will be proven as even HALF-right in the near future as the story in the Rays progresses. 

This still looks too simple for me. The real deal SURE is worse. I’m 100% positive only concept-wise mostly because of how he will look in GEREO’S world, 

because he doesn’t look human at all and the symbols on his outfit are clearly Istar’s. I’m not bold enough to write how I think the real story will turn out...

, but our CONCEPT-based theory is enough for me to drop it all until it is over... and remember HIM 

as he was AND by Shamash’s name only.

P.S. translated Rays’ screenshots are from Lol’s Youtube channel

[afreakingdork]

Review Revisited: The Gentlemen's Alliance Cross

So after I posted my 2007 Manga Reviews I got to thinking about how those series formed my early manga opinions and how much I’ve grown as a person since reading them. In the spirit of that, I thought it would be a great idea to revisit those series of yore and update my reviews of them with my older, wiser perspective. 

The first up is the first that was on the list and a series that was closer to my heart than I remembered: Shinkuro (Shinshi Doumei Kurosu or The Gentlemen's Alliance Cross). Here’s the 2007 review as a refresher: 

ShinKuro: Or Gentlemen’s Alliance Cross for those that aren’t familar with it…Ok so I love this series and its awesome bottom line~ 1-3 are out currently, its one of those stories you gotta read over at least 4 times before you understand the plot, or maybe i have a focus problems who knows, all i know is you need to go out and read this, its got everything yo! Straight, yuri, yaoi…idk I’m not much of a gay fangirl, but hey ya gotta cover japanese basics~

Before I get into the veritable mountain of things I want to talk about (I mean, I have 14 years of feelings to sort through), I first want to tell a story of fate. When I decided to re-do these reviews, I went to look for my old manga. It’s not far, about 50 steps away to my bookshelf, but I didn’t see Shinkuro anywhere. Confused, I waited until the next time I visited my mom to look there and could not find it. I knew when I moved out of her house in 2017 I had sold some extra books to make the move easier, but couldn’t recall a specific memory of packing them up. I checked my email and the only clue was a listing on eBay, but there was no sold email attached. I’m usually really diligent with stuff like that, so I was totally stumped. Regardless, I had no manga, so I went ahead and started reading it on some pirating website. Now, I don’t condone these sites, but I couldn’t find the series anywhere else for whatever reason. I was only able to get a few chapters in before I just couldn’t take it anymore. The site I was using (one of the only sites to even have a pirated version. Seriously, why had this series totally disappeared from the US lexicon!?) only had a fan-scan of the series. Now, Shinkuro is something I’ve read many, many, many times and, while the fan-scan wasn’t unreadable, I kept getting really hung up on how different it was from what I remembered. I would read a line and my brain would make an error noise and respond with what the line should be. As I clicked through the pages, the errors piled up more and more and my brain was relentless about how the lines should have been translated. 

Frustrated, I totally gave up and the next time I saw my mom I told her of my plight. I could see the lightbulb go off over her head and she asked me if ‘that wasn’t the manga that didn’t sell on eBay and I gave to her to give away?’ I was taken aback; I hadn’t told her about the eBay email I found and instead only told her I couldn’t find the series I didn’t think I had gotten rid of. She said it was stored in a guest bedroom with a bunch of junk we were going to sell just before the pandemic struck last year. I was still incredulous, but she went back there with me to look for it. Now, no one knows my mom like I do, but I will tell you she is absolute garbage at describing stuff. She gave me this crazy description about a box that was the size of a loaf of bread and it had a hinge on it and I had no idea how that worked with cardboard. It took a long time, moving a metric shitton of full-to-the-brim boxes around to no avail. Since we were getting to the bottom of boxes that were stacked high, we were tag teaming the project where one person would lift and the other would rummage. It was at the bottom of a box in a 3-box stack that mom deemed the box incorrect by only shoving her hand inside. She said she felt a box, but it didn’t feel right so she moved on. I felt a pull and tilted my head so that I could see into the only sliver on the box, a tiny crack. I told her ‘I saw a box that looked kinda like a shoe box and is that what she meant by a hinge?’ She said she wasn’t sure, but we made quick work taking down the stack to reveal the smaller box. Upon closer inspection she said this had to be it and as I opened it there lay the entire 11 volume series. I tell you, I almost sobbed right there on the spot. What are the chances that I would try to sell the series, it wouldn���t sell (I listed all 11 volumes for 40$!!!), I would give it to mom to give away, she wouldn’t do so (she wasn’t sure what the age range for the books were), and then years later we would happen across it and mom would dismiss it while I pressed to check, to find these books. They were meant to stay with me is the only conclusion I can make and after re-reading the series I can say this is totally true, so let’s get into my renewed feelings: 

So, looking at my old review, I know exactly what my younger self meant by rereading the same bit 4 times to understand. Arina Tanemura has a penchant for putting 1000 screentones over every page and sometimes she swiftly moves through conversations and even locations between panels on the same page. It’s a breakneck speed to try to give every character of this ensemble class a time to shine. There’s also the hurdles of Tanemura’s style that can’t be ignored. When my partner saw the manga, he asked me if all the art really looked like that and I showed him that, yes indeed, and that was almost a pretty standard art style for shoujou manga from that time period. He was aghast and didn’t believe he could read something like that and I can totally see how that would be off-putting for the average reader (I’m not average in the sense that I’ve read it so many times I know all the ins and outs). For example, in middle school Haine cut her hair off and dyed it blond. She dyes it back when she goes to high school, but halfway through the series she cuts it and dyes it back to blond for Ushio’s sake. Tanemura doesn’t change ANY screentones during this time and you only find out that Haine dyes her her back ONCE AGAIN in a throw away line. I’ve held the pages up side-by-side and it’s totally indiscernible when Haine’s hair is blond vs. brown. 

That being said, one of the greatest parts of this series is how it was translated. There was so much love and care put into these Notes on the Text that it was the perfect series to start shaping my understanding of Japanese culture and writing. Instead of just a glossary saying what ‘-san’ meant as a suffix, these sections go so far as to explain why certain phrases were translated as they were and explain what the original Japanese text said and how it was a joke or a play on words. That is so rare to see in manga and I feel like it should be more standard. 

Now to face the elephant in the room head-on: let’s look into the LGBT+ themes in the series. 2007 Alex was quite afraid and prejudiced against queer culture. I can’t tell you where exactly it stemmed from because I don’t really remember feeling that way. I know it happened, I have evidence and my friends’ testimonies, but it doesn’t feel like I had that much hate in my heart. It’s systemic to our culture and that may be why, but regardless, I feel awful that I once felt that way. I was scared getting into this series that the LGBT+ themes would be handled so poorly as it often is in manga. Thankfully, that didn’t end up wholly being the case. In her author’s notes, Tanemura stated multiple times that she was not a fan of mlm or wlw content, but she wanted to use this series to push herself to do a lot of things she didn’t like otherwise. I want to put an excerpt on her final thoughts on those themes in the series here: 

I don’t know how the readers feel, but I’ve never been very fond of reading guy x guy and girl x girl relationships. But that was another reason for me to have done this series. I thought the series would have a nice twist to it if I tried to draw something I didn’t like. 

I regularly challenge myself to eat things I don’t like. I don’t like the idea of having dislikes, so it became an opportunity for me to get over that. 

And the result was... I still couldn’t get myself to be interested in it. So it’ll probably be a topic I’ll never write about again. But I think it was still worth it that I found that out. 

I won’t take the time to break down homophobia in Japanese society, but I find it interesting that Tanemura sees queer relationships not as a real thing in her stories, but instead as a commodity that she can compare to tastes in food. I found the story lines really compelling. Take Maora, for example. Tanemura refers to Maora as eccentric for cross dressing in her author notes, but in story Maora is actually characterized with a surprising amount of care on the subject. While some may view Maora as a ‘trap,’ I would instead posit that he’s genderfluid. Obviously he goes by he/him, but I think it’s so interesting that when told that boys couldn’t marry, Maora goes to great lengths to present as a female so Maguri and him could be together as they always wanted. When Maguri rejects this because he’s gay and prefers male presenting individuals, Maora holds on to his ‘femininity’ because it means something to him. All the work he put in is a representation of his love and later becomes something that he enjoys doing. There are, of course, a few pitfalls. I’m not a fan of the fact that when going to the Emperor’s Association meeting, Maora feels like he must dress more masculine because it’s a serious event (giving the connotation that dressing feminine is just a frivolous thing). I also really hate one of Maora’s final lines in the penultimate arc when the student council is breaking into Shuichiro’s house and he says “Don’t you blush! I’m a guy!” before kicking someone. I think Tanemura meant for that to be a cool one-liner, but instead it just undercuts who Maora is. 

On the flip side, I really like how Ushio’s love of Haine is characterized. While Ushio’s means of capturing Haine aren’t the best, I think her love is a beautiful arc. Ushio fell in love with a blond yanki that happened to break into her house to hide when she was at the lowest point in her life. When Haine has her night with Shizumasa and decides to ‘move back into the light,’ time stops for Ushio as Haine leaves her. Ushio is left looking for that person who saw her when everything else in her life was filled with hate. There is a beautiful story there where she realizes her love for Haine isn’t romantic or sexual love, but instead the powerful love in friendship. This story always holds the different types of love in high regard. It is stated multiple times that Takanari and Haine both hold their best friends in their hearts higher than their romantic partners and I adore that. It’s such a healthier way to represent relationships. Your romantic partners shouldn’t just supersede your other loves just because. 

The development of loves on the other hand can be a bit rocky. The bonus story between Kusame and Komaki is always one I held in such high regard because it’s characterization of changing love. Kusame, who’s been in love with Haine, starts dating her sister Komaki out of obligation and he ends up falling in love with her not because she’s similar to Haine, but instead because of how different she is and how those were things that he grew to appreciate and love about her instead. Can you say relationship goals?!  Contrasting that, you have the relationships between Itsuki Otomiya, Kazuhito Kamiya, and Maika Rikyuu. Maika and Itsuki were secretly dating in high school and Kazuhito sweeps in, steals the position of emperor from Itsuki by underhanded means and ensnares Maika in a marriage due to obligation for her family’s failing company. Over time, Maika grows to love Kazuhito and the whole thing always left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe if the pages had been given a little more time it could have worked, there’s small signifiers, like how Kazuhito and Maika met and were friends before he pulled his repulsive plot. There was a precedent that the two got along and could have fallen in love, but instead it went full Stockholm and that is painted as ok. I do want to take a moment to say that scene where Itsuki returns from visiting Maika for the first time since all that happened where his current wife Ryouka stayed up because she was afraid he was going to leave her and he reassures her that he would have never done so was downright incredible. 

The timeline of Maika losing her memories confounds me as a way to keep her away from Haine. I know Kazuhito didn’t give her much choice in the matter, but she had a whole other child before she started to lose her memories and there is quite an age difference (like 7+ or so years) between Komaki and Tachibana, where Maika had her memories (for a few years?) and just made no effort to contact Haine in any way. It just seems overly cruel and unnecessary when Maika wrote a letter to Haine saying she would continue to write even though she couldn’t see her. I know a maid was watching her, but she couldn’t send a letter? She already sent one letter! Kazuhito’s goal was to give Haine back to Itsuki so she could live freely without the burden of his influence because he knows he’s an asshole that only cares about Maika and clipped her wings. He wants to atone for still keeping Maika trapped by letting Haine soar, but keeping Haine from at least talking to her mother through letters is just erroneous. That didn’t keep her free from him, it only made her miserable from not being able to talk to her mom. Ugh, just writing about it makes me so mad. 

It’s interesting to me that in her distaste for LGBT+ themes, Tanemura was about to have a polyamorous ending to the series. It’s disheartening that the only reason she didn’t do so was because she could only imagine there would be a power imbalance where Shizumasa would have been a pitiful party in such an arrangement. It’s not like I was rooting for a threesome (especially since two of them are twin brothers), but it’s an outdated view on what polyamorous relationships are actually like. Also, Takanari is the clear winner and I’m not sure why it’s ever a question for Haine. When you break it down, Haine really only spent one single night with Shizumasa while she actually had months and months of time built up with Takanari to build the foundation of a real relationship, but that’s neither here nor there. 

Overall, I’m so glad I re-read this series and I will never try to resell it ever again. It means so much to me and even though it’s CW levels of dramatic happenings (I can’t believe Toya pulled a gun on and shot Haine), there is a market for those things and they’re enjoyable in how bizarre they are. There’s obviously some failing to the story, but as a whole I still love it, even nostalgia aside. I think it’s a great series for those new to shoujou drama’s to read! 

Verdict: 

Read Right < Left 

[nellynee]

Couple of thoughts on Creek since the episode “Put it Down” and the new game came out. 

Can I just take a moment to say that I’m really glad that Craig and Tweek’s relationship hasn’t become a mean joke? Because I’ve been really scared for a while after “Craig x Tweek” that it would.

(rest under cut for length)

Like in the second to last scene of “Put it Down” when Tweek was going on and on about how he felt like he had no control over his life, I think his exact words were....

(Tweek) “I don’t know it’s- it’s like, maybe... maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again.”

(Craig) “That sounds so insurmountable though, how would you even start?”

(Tweek) “I don’t know but, I-I gotta do something about this. There’s gotta be a way I can...”

You have no idea how terrified I was of that moment right there. I had to pause the show and come back because of genuine fear. Because there’s some key words in there. “Something to take control of me again.” that’s literally adult media shorthand for “I’m going to use sex with you that’s the thing that’s gonna give me some sense of self control” and that little pause, the gentle music, it was setting up the perfect punchline to cut to these poor ten year old boys violently making out at the BEST case scenario. That would have been the perfect South Park punchline.

Because South Park has absolutely gone there. “Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy” comes to mind (granted that was the definition of satire, and even taken to extreams it was treated real enough that lots of people get really uncomfortable thinking about that episode.) As does the prevalence of anal rape as humor, or jokes about Kenny having ALL the STDs. It’s just that, this could have gone horribly wrong.

But no, THANK GOD. I don’t know if Trey Parker and Matt Stone are bad at genuine emotion, or simply can’t help themselves in making the joke, or if they’ve tied their hands with the tone of the show, but you don’t get a lot of pure, simple, niceness in South Park, and that little “Thank you Craig” got to be that little bit we got, just, genuinely sweet and pure and untwisted to make a joke. 

South Park seems to finally be touching it’s old roots again with the children and their relationships to each other. South Park used to be good at that, back when the kids acted like kids. The joke was that these were kids, and the punchline was when the adult tone was suddenly ripped away to reveal a bunch of precocious children. 

And then these kids acting like adults stopped being a joke and started being the norm and things got uncomfortable. And I’m totally thanking the new games for this gradual shift back to the older tones. In the time since “Stick of Truth” came out South Park has been very preoccupied with time sensitive satire and it’s kinda overwhelmed the show, but incorporating the games in as canon has sort of forced the show to acknowledge that these are children. 

Children who are still of an age to get together with cardboard and cooking pans and play huge epics with their imagination, and now a lot of the more adult themes are being fostered on the actual adults of the show.

(I’d like to make a little sidenote here. There’s this huge gap in fandom I’m starting to see more between people who are like “OMG YES CREEK MY CHILD SELF IS VALIDATED”  and the one’s who are like “these are children stop shipping this ew” and on the second half... I see where you’re coming from, because I have a similar sort of fear, in that this show doesn’t exactly touch children’s sexuality (ew) with tweezers, and the fandom is no better. But I do want to note two things here. One, in that shipping doesn’t necessarily pertain to wanting a sexual relationship between characters. I wince a little in Craig x Tweek when Mr. Tweak leans in the doorway, sighs, and says “They’re so gay for each other” because... that’s me, I’ve done that. Not in real life, because shipping live people is just not ok in my opinion and I won’t get into that now, but.... Creek is the first positively shown potentially long term relationship we’ve had in South Park in potentially decades. Sometimes we want prepuberty softrock fluff. That really gross part of the fandom is not intrical to shipping, but I respect your preference to stay away. I ship Creek and I stay the fuck away too.

As for the show, why I’m making this side not in the first place, there was a joke in “Dude Mars Rules” that wouldn’t have been a joke if it wasn’t Cartman and I’m proud of the restraint. I’m talking of course of the first time Cartman saw a vagina. The joke is that it’s Cartman, in that he’s overreacting. But like, if it was anyone other than Cartman that exact scene could have been played completely straight as it was. 

I hate using the term children’s sexuality, because it’s fucking gross but I lack any other term, but it’s a thing that exists. There’s a certain age when everyone’s starting to dip the toes into puberty when everyone is just so fucking curious. I’m as close to Ace as Grey can get, but I have very distinct memories of experiencing the same thing, of other kids experiencing and talking about nothing but the same thing at that same age. Sitting across the room from each other with the lights off, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”, having nothing to do with attraction or sex or eroticism and everything to do with not understanding what’s gong on, wanting to know what’s different and what’s normal. Mine was in a bush in the back of a playground with another girl, which was probably a big sign back then, but the fact remains. 

We don’t like to think about it, and certainly don’t like to see it, but kids get curious and kids figure stuff out and this is Another of those things that could have gone horribly, horribly wrong in South Park and didn’t)

Back on track though, Creek is a joke yes, but the joke is not that they’re together. The joke isn’t even that they act like adults in their relationship. (Though they do, that’s never the joke. The joke in their more mature interactions isn’t that it’s mature as in “racy” but mature as in “emotionally mature”. The joke is that the two gay ten year olds faking it work harder and are better at being in a relationship than virtually every adult and other child in the show. Using these two as a juxtaposition with ever other bit of nasty relationship is refreshing.) 

The Joke is that the public perceives their relationship as being a lot more sexual and unstable than it is. The joke is the public’s perception, not the relationship it’self. 

I don’t really see anyone talking about the “eros ultimate combo” from FBW in this context either, in that the cut scene we get is the really obviously “yaoified” version of what’s actually happening. The reference to Yuri on Ice’s “ambiguous” kiss, the flying off clothes, how they go from almost kissing back to the hand holding. I think I’m the only person in the world who thinks that they didn’t kiss (Because what yaoi fangirl wouldn’t squeal and flail and immortalize such a kiss in every exquisite detail if it did happen?)

we are playing into that joke, flailing about it when what actually happens is these two boys go up to each other and hold hands because it grosses everyone out and that’s funny.

So yeah, please don’t let them become a mean joke Trey and Matt. Let these two boys be kids. 

Let them break up over something really stupid and be the end of the world and play out like a sitcom divorce and be super emotional because that’s what it feels like at that age, and then get back together right away and break up and get back together because that’s what kids do when they get a little bored.

Let them hold hands and yell about how they’re dating and gay to everyone who will listen because that’s a big deal to ten year olds and they’re figuring themselves out and as young boys in a fairly machismo saturated town its funny.

Let their first kiss be all puckered lips and chaste and smooshed noses and incredibly awkward and feel like fireworks and the chorus of Whitney Houston’s “I will away love you” because to kids it feels perfect and a huge deal at the time.

Let them do stupid kid things that seem like a big deal.

Feel free to use these boys to showcase the one healthy relationship we’ve seen in this series, for the love of god it’s funny, refreshing, and woefully needed in media, but let👏the👏boys👏be👏children👏! Precocious as hell to back and yes but PLEASE.

[medea10]

Medea’s Anime & Game Superlative of 2017

Time to do the annual list I do once a year acknowledging the anime and games I played this year. So that means if an anime came out in like...1979, as long as I watched it this year, it counts for my list. Let’s get started! First Fandom of 2017: Blue Exorcist: Kyoto Saga I started Blue Exorcist back in 2013 and fell in love with the story instantly. However, I often wondered what came after the whole finally confronting Satan story of the anime. Don’t spoil it for me, I’m not caught up with the manga yet. So when they announced this anime was going to come back, I was all ready to watch Rin and Yukio in action. Despite the many reservations I had with this particular season, I was so excited for this season early this year and couldn’t wait for the latest episode to air each week. I am satisfied to hear back-stories from some of the minor characters like Bon, Shima, and Konekomaru. And of course any moment when Rin is about to punch someone in the face is always satisfying to watch! Rin grows quite a bit in this season so this season wasn't a complete waste. Plus Bryce Papenbrook slays it as Rin and we get another awesome song by UVERworld. Favorite Main Character of 2017: Oscar François de Jarjeyes (Rose of Versailles)

As I mentioned in my superlative list last year, Rose of Versailles was an anime I didn’t expect to get into, but enjoyed nevertheless. And as I continued watching this year, I was severely hooked on the main character, Oscar. I know Oscar is indeed a fictional character in a story that’s based on actual history. Which makes me wonder if history would be any different if Oscar truly existed? I felt for this woman, especially in those last 10 episodes of the series. Oscar is one of the toughest females in anime history with her attacks during the French Revolution and the turmoil she went through in her love life. I was rooting for her to succeed throughout the entire series. All the way up to standing up against the French Army, she does it all! Favorite Villain of 2017: Frieza (Dragon Ball Super) Why do I love the biggest assholes in the Dragon Ball series? I don’t know. Out of all the villains in this series, Frieza was my favorite. Despite during the Z series where it literally takes him around 10 episodes to try and blow up a simple planet! With Dragon Ball Super, he’s still pure evil! He ends up resurrected more than once (thanks a lot Goku). However, I really wish that he would have gotten more of an evil streak during this Universe Competition saga. I know he can’t kill anybody or he’d be disqualified, but he could do a little more other than just stand on a pirch and laugh at the pitiful fighters. But when he’s fighting the Saiyans (including other universe Saiyans like Cabba), he’s ruthless! Anyone else hoping to see him take on Jiren in the coming episodes? Favorite Video Game Character of 2017: Lillie (Pokemon Ultra Moon) Lillie, you’ve done it again! And you are THIS close to becoming my favorite in the anime (except I’m still a Lana fangirl). With the Ultra Sun/Moon games, Lillie definitely shows hutzpah in her actions. She goes to great lengths in order to save the pokemon Cosmog and would even go through dangerous situations in order to save her own mother (who verbally disowned her). What’s even better with these new games is that in the post-game, Lillie actually battles with a pokemon. AND IT’S FROM THE CLEFABLE LINE! Lillie actually battles alongside you with a Clefairy. If it means I get to fight against that genital wart, Faba with this little lady by my side, I am very satisfied! This is awesome! I’m glad we get this extra bit in these games since the previous version had Lillie traveling and we don’t see her after defeating the league. Favorite Game of 2017: Miitopia …It’s my own fault for getting hooked on Tomodachi Life back in 2014. Ever since then, I’ve been having so much fun with these Mii games. And Miitopia was no exception! Guys, it was either this game or one of the Freemium games the Japanese throw my way. But since I don't feel like getting into Idol Hell with Love Live, I'm going with the miis again. As for this game, I got to add my favorite characters of anime (like Tracey Sketchit), favorite characters on sitcoms, favorite celebrities, and all sorts of others to fight an evil Dark Lord. Better yet, this game doesn’t care in terms of gender. You can be a boy character and be a princess. You can make two men lovers! Plus browsing through all the miis there are was amusing. I can’t tell you how many Guy Fieri’s and Rick Sanchez’s I’ve seen come through my game. Plus, I had a lot of fun trying to kill Donald Trump and Celine Dion. These are the people I despise, deal with it. The one downside was having your face stolen and having it put on something absurd like a rock, a mouse, or a turkey’s ASS! WHY WOULD YOU ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN?! Favorite Het Couple of 2017: Takeo Gouda x Rinko Yamato (My Love Story) THIS WAS SO ADORABLE! These two, together, the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen! I can’t believe it has taken me so long to watch this series. So this series revolves around a very, very, very, if the mother wasn't a former pro-wrestler, she would have split in half giving birth to him large high school freshman named Takeo falling in love with this petite girl named Yamato. I was amazed to find that they both confessed their feelings for each other so early in the series. And then have the rest of the series dedicated to their relationship blossoming! I know they’re only high school students, but seeing them do the simplest of things like holding hands or going on a date is downright adorable to see them do. Yamato sees past Takeo’s large exterior and sees that he is a sweet boy. I want this couple to thrive well into old age! Long live this ship! Favorite Yuri Couple of 2017: Ymir x Christa/Historia (Attack on Titan: Season 2) This year there were several Yuri couples that caught my eye (including couples from Love Live and Miss Kobayashi). But the one that stood out the most came from Attack on Titan’s second season. In the first season, I really never paid attention to Ymir x Christa. I think I was busy screaming out, “HOLY SHIT, THOSE ARE SOME FUCKED UP LOOKING TITANS!” When the chibi middle school spin-off came along, they laid it on kinda thick, especially on Ymir’s end. But this season is where it all came out. Particularly in the episode Historia! In this episode, we get a touching flashback of the two girls surviving in the harsh winter climate. Ymir did a lot in order to protect Christa, even exposing her giant secret. Both girls cared about each other enough so to confide in each other their dark secrets. I know this ship might die down when season 3 airs next July, but as for this season, we got plenty of this, and I couldn’t be any happier. Favorite Yaoi Couple of 2017: Grell Sutcliff x Sebastian Michaelis (Black Butler: Book of the Atlantic) Here I am again with this one-sided ship. Call it a long-time guilty pleasure. Okay, I’ll be honest. I didn’t watch that many anime this year where I was enthralled with two boys. Not like last year when Yuri on Ice aired! I almost gave a pity throwaway to Ash x Kiawe from Pokemon: Sun & Moon. But one thing I do remember and liked was when I went to the screening of Black Butler’s Book of the Atlantic. Because with Black Butler, you never know when a certain reaper in red is going to come swinging a chainsaw! And as I said before, this ship is heavily one-sided as Grell always wants Sebastian (either to make love to him or kill him…or both) and Sebastian finds him annoying and dodges his advances. But my fangirly heart still loves this ship. Besides, this isn’t the first time I’ve put this ship on my superlative list. Not even a boat-load of zombies can keep Grell away from his Sebas-chan! Eight years later and I still squeal anytime I see that! Fandom That You Didn’t Expect To Get Into: Sakura Quest In April this year, I picked a completely random anime that was brand new to start. I had no idea what it was about, I just jumped right into it. And what I found was a quaint story about a young girl who becomes queen of a very rural town. There are many fine animes that delve into the concept of living in a small, rural town and the colorful characters that live there. And honestly, I’m just glad that it didn’t end up with the people murdering each other (like Shiki or Higurashi). Instead, we get the main character Yoshino take part as the role of queen of the small kingdom. And with the help of four other girls from the town, they were able to bring life into their little town. I enjoyed many of these characters and fell in love with many of their back-stories. From Maki striving to be an actress to Ririko breaking out of her shell! Kadota wanting to make-up for his past mistakes he made in his youth, to Yoshino deciding on her future! Even though Yoshino wasn't too fond of the small village scene, she quickly adapted and learned that small towns like Manoyama can be just as fulfilling as big cities like Tokyo. Fandom That Made An Unexpected Comeback: Attack on Titan *singing incoherent Japanese gibberish* YEAGER! I didn’t think I was going to get into the Attack on Titan hype train this year as big as I did. Especially since it’s been 4 years since the previous season aired. Buckle up bitches! Despite this being only 12 episodes, this season was truly memorable and gave us MANY, MANY, MANY revelations. However most of that was from minor characters. Now this season did come with some irritating things. Like Levi and Jean being pushed to the side. Eren is like a hostage for what feels like half the season. And Mikasa turned into so much of a yandere, I think Yuno Gasai pissed herself. But aside from my nitpicky things, I really enjoyed this season of Attack on Titan. Not just with this season, but catching up with the manga as well. Because I’m not waiting until 2018 to learn about giant monkey man titan! Add to that, a bomb-ass opening theme by Linked Horizon, Eren fighting the armored and colossal titan, and Ymir x Christa, this was one hell of a season. Can’t wait for July 2018! Fandom That Inspired the Most Crack: Miss Kobayashi’s Maid Dragon This is something I’m currently watching…and boy is it crazy! I almost gave it to Mr. Osomatsu again, but then I see busty dragon ladies! Imagine if you will, opening your front door and finding a humungus dragon standing at your door step. You are either in an anime, stoned off your ass, still drunk, or this is just a dream. Well in this case it’s an anime…and Miss Kobayashi might have been hungover when she met Tohru. And because it’s an anime, why not have this dragon transform into a busty girl? Thanks Japan! And living with Tohru and the rest of the dragons is anything but simple. Since Tohru is going to be Kobayashi’s maid, she’ll have to cook (by she’s going to cut off her tail and cook it for her master), clean (by licking Kobayashi’s clothes with her tongue), and protect the home from intruders (by blowing any and all intruders to oblivion). Yeah, this anime is wacky with not only Tohru, but the other mythical creatures like Kanna, Fafnir, Elma, and one of animes BIGGEST PAIRS OF TITS I’VE EVER SEEN Lucoa. Last Fandom of 2017: Food Wars! Shokugeki no Soma: The Third Plate The third season of Food Wars is by far the BEST thing to air for Fall 2017 animes. Not just I think so, but friends and co-workers of mine agree. Fans of the show were finally treated to meeting rest of Totsuki Academy’s Elite Ten. Not only that, but learn a great deal of one of this anime’s most hated characters (as to why we hate her). As Totsuki is drenched in tradition, we see this tradition break by an uprising as an exiled member of Totsuki emerges and ends up taking over the academy. This leading to mass changes in curriculum with the students and the Shokugeki in danger of no longer existing! To which Soma Yukihira says, “Hold my beer. It’s time to cook.” Okay, he doesn’t exactly say that, but he definitely takes on the establishment (including several Elite Ten members) in order to protect his friends and colleagues of the school. And let’s not forget what this show also contains! FOOD ORGASMS! I will admit that the later seasons have toned down a bit on the food orgasms that’s shown. But when it does happen, it’s almost other-worldly due to who’s cooking the food. I would love to eat any of that food that they cook on this show…I just don’t want my clothes to rip off me while the food molests me both ways.

[wanderingblackdragon]

The Ed-Venture Auditions Chapter 1

Foreword and Author's Notes: Well, never thought I’d be posting here. I’m here on a friend’s suggestion that I try posting fanfiction on this site. I’ve been trying to write fanfiction, particularly of Ed, Edd ‘n Eddy for years, with varying success. But, with FF.net’s Ed’s section being taken over by the yaoi fangirls and its increasingly restrictive rules. Perhaps that site is dead already. And so, he we are.

There are many reasons why I'm here, writing this. For one,I've promised myself that I would finish a series of fanfiction before moving on to more original works. Secondly, I always liked the interactive nature of story-telling on the internet, since it's a platform for people not only critique someone's work, but also discuss and trade ideas... As rarely as the latter happens.

The series is about several things. But, chief among them will be potential. I want to take some of my (and hope yours as well) favorite characters and showcase what (I think) they're truly capable of. Another theme is Evolution. I want to show how that potential can lead people, places, relationships and so on to evolve. With this series, I hope to use a variety of settings and scenarios to explore various themes with our favorite Eds & friends as the front-men.

Finally, this series is an AU in which the events of Big Picture Show did not occur. The reason I'm doing this is because I feel the ending of the series was not only contrived, but also messed up some things in continuity; such as the reason for Eddy's behavior and what his brother is actually like.

Acknowledgements:

Cocobean3: The only beta reader who's proven helpful, even if most of your ideas ended up being scrapped. I look forward to our continued interactions. I also still need to get back to reading your stuff.

Voodooknight & Kingcobra: My friends from Enclave and Skype. Thank you for letting me rattle on about my ideas and giving me someone to bounce ideas off with. Even if Voodoo spent most of it talking about his imaginary sexlife with his waifu :P

SuzumeCA: One of my favorite writers, and a big inspiration for me for a long time. I hope you're doing well. And when are you gonna update?! I WANT MY YURI! (JK)

Riiser: Host of WebcomicRelief on youtube and possibly my harshest critic. Thank you for your help and giving me the criticisms I need to get my head together.

BathVader: If it wasn't for you, I would've given up on this site and left months ago. Thank you for still trying to breathe life into this and I hope more people follow your example!

Disclaimer: I don't own squat. Everything the light touches still belongs to Danny Antonucci, that glorious bastard!

"Summer rains: You can never predict them."

With the first day of summer vacation, came the first rains of the summer season. From his living room window, Eddward Marian "Double D" Vincent, watched his neighbors scurry out of the thick downpour and into their respective dwellings. Except two that scurried towards his front door. Which was why Edd rose to retrieve towels, rather than return to his reading.

He counted the seconds as he ascended the stairs, retrieved a blue and green towel, basket and a hair dryer from the linen closet, then descended the stairs just in time to open the door. On the other side, stood Ed Horace Hill and Eddy Skipper Sampson, with their hands up to pound on the Vincents' front door.

"Good morning, gentlem-!"

"Can you believe this shit, Double D?!" Snatching the green towel and hand dryer, Eddy pushed passed his friend, kicking his shoes off into the "Designated shoe area" between strides and already began drying himself off before Edd could complain.

Edd winced. "What I can't believe is your language, Eddy!"

"Hey, we're outta middle school now, so I ain't gotta worry about standards anymore! Besides, What's more mature than swearin'?"

"Eddy, don't you know profuse profanity is the sign of immaturity and/or limited vocabulary?" Edd lectured with a wagging finger, "Furthermore, it's far too early for such course language!"

Finding a spot to plug in the hand dryer, Eddy turned its hot breeze on himself.

"Are you kiddin'?!" it's the first day'a summer and it friggin' rains!" Eddy complained.

"Well, Eddy, you know how the weather can be. The rain will stop in about an hour from now." Edd explained. Suddenly, he noticed Ed had laid his towel on the floor, crawled on it on all-fours and proceeded to shake himself dry. "Ed!" Edd cried and ran after him with a sponge and a bucket.

"An hour?!" Eddy gasped, "The hell are we supposed to do 'till then?!"

"Oh, I know! We can count teeth! I've been trying to break my record since last year, Eddy!" Ed said.

Edd was beginning to wonder when this lovable oaf would stop bewildering him. "You have a record for counting teeth, Ed?" he looked at Ed whilst his hands still worked the sponge against the splattered walls.

Ed nodded, his typical grin taking up his face. "Yep! I got all the way up to four last year, Double D!" With no further prompt, Ed opened his mouth as wide as he could, and his elastic blue tongue began to prod over his (admittedly) crooked and plaque-ridden teeth. "One... Twoooo... Threee-"

"Ed, might I suggest something more enlightening?" Edd cut in. With the wall (re)cleaned, he moved to lift his book from the coffee table and presented it to the other Eds.

They stared at it. Edd's hopeful grin drained away.

Ed craned his head to one side and tried to read the cover. "M-My... Those-and..."

"A book, Double D?!" Eddy snapped, "To hell with that! It's summer time! School's out! We shouldn't be reading anything!"

"Yeah, books make my brain hurt!" Ed added.

Edd rolled his eyes,; not like those comic books are doing it any favors. He turned the book's cover to face him. "There's a lot one can learn from books, fellows! For example, this book, titled "My Thousand miles" written by Andrew McDonald. It's about the tale of a factory worker who decided to take a trek of one-thousands steps, on a spiritual journey of self-discovery!" Edd explained. "In fact there any many fascinating anecdotes about social commentary, family, friendship, politics and the human condition! In fact one of my favorite passage..."

There Edd went lecturing again. With the bookworm's excitement dribbling through one ear and out the other, Eddy's glazed eyes wandered for something more interesting to look out.

"... Why in fact, it's a Los Angeles Times Bestseller, and-"

"Oh, a bestseller, huh?" Eddy feigned interest, "I'll bet this guy's just rolling in cash!"

"Well, authors who tend to become bestsellers aren't exactly living off peanuts, Eddy!" Edd confirmed, "It's also won an award for best Non-fiction last year"

Bestseller... Something about that term grabbed Eddy's brain. Bestseller meant that lots of people bought it. That meant it made money. And if it was featured in a major newspaper like L.A Times, then meant more people would buy it. Which meant more money. And an award? That meant people really liked it. Which meant more people would buy it. Which meant more money.

More money

If that book took Eddy's attention before; it was now holding it hostage. Eddy never cared for books. They were huge bundles of boring that adults made him read just to piss him off. Double D loved them because he was a boring sap who loved to please adults. Oh, Eddy should slap himself! The answer to a lifelong quest was right in Edd's hands, staring him in the face. In fact, hasn't it always?

And from the look setting itself into Eddy's face, Ed and Edd watched him with an oblivious smile and an arched brow respectively.

"I think Eddy's got another idea, Double D!" Ed cheered.

Edd frowned, "That's what I'm afraid of, Ed."

"THAT'S IT, GUYS!" Eddy burst. He jumped up to stand on the easy chair, thrusting a finger at the ceiling, shouting "We should publish a book!"

And just as quickly, Edd's fears evaporated. "That's a wonderful idea, Eddy! Why, producing a literary work of our own should be an excellent way to flex our creative muscles- not to mention actually doing something constructive for once!"

"What was that last bit, Double D?" Eddy asked.

"Oh, nothing, nothing!" Edd covered

"Anyway, so what's our bestselling novel gonna be about?"

Ed's hand immediately shot up and waved about. "Oh, I got an idea, Eddy! I got an idea!" He didn't bother to wait for a response, "Our book is about the time we were kidnapped to the underground lair of a mad scientist, where he performed wicked experiments to turn us into mutant butterflies...!" And to demonstrate, Ed had climbed atop of the sofa and began to flap his arms about.

Edd already knew how this would end. The coffee table was right in front of Ed too. "ED, NO-WAIT!"

Ed jumped from the sofa, trying to flap his arms to fly. Mercifully, gravity allowed Ed to "fly" over the fagile glass table, then Eddy's head before it yanked him to the floor with a THUD. Face to the carpet, Ed continued to flap his arms haplessly, whilst impotently wiggling about the floor. He went on, "... After a daring escape, we find that we must suck the bone marrow of Major League Baseball players in order to survive!"

Edd and Eddy watched at the boy pounce on a couch pillow and reeled his head back to drain the hapless furniture of its bone marrow, just before Edd managed to snatch, re-fluff and replace the pillow in its assigned position.

"Perhaps something more down to earth, Ed?" Edd suggested, "Instead; I suggest a memoir in which we camp out in the forests, exploring its lush nature landscapes, cataloging and studying the diverse and fascinating local wildlife?"

The way Eddy glared at him was answer enough.

In the brief moment Edd prepared to plead his case, Eddy's finger thrust to the ceiling and his voice blared, "We're gonna make a-..." Eddy snapped his fingers. The word was on the tip of his tongue, "... A...!" Come on, vocabulary, don't fail him now! "... Damnit! What's it called when you write a story about yer'self, Double D?"

"Autobiography, Eddy." Edd supplied.

"... Yeah! We're gonna write an auto-biology about our totally awesome and kickass adventures!"

"Cool!" Ed said.

Edd merely quirked his brow, his fears returning with a vengeance. "Surely, you're not referring to the innumerous failed attempts at conning the other children out of their allowance, and/or gain their acceptance as peers? Who in their right mind would want to read about that?"

"Psst! That's kids stuff, Double D...!" Eddy dismissed with a wave.

"So, you admit your hair brained schemes were, in fact, hair brain-" When Eddy beaned Edd with the pillow, he didn't expect the sock-hatted one to fall over from the force.

"As I was sayin'!" Eddy barked, "All that's just kid's stuff! These adventures are gonna be big time, boys! I'm talkin' an action-adventure-kung-fu-political-thriller-heist-porno-comedy!"

By then, Edd had recovered from Eddy's assault with a pillow and moved to place it back from where Eddy had grabbed it. Once it was properly re-fluffed and placed back in its designated position, he asked, "Eddy, what events in our lives have ever met the standards of such a convoluted and ridiculous genre? Have you and Ed learned nothing from that school newspaper dabocile?"

"'Course I have, Sock-head!" Eddy answered, "And that's why we're gonna do it for real first!"

"It's adventure time!" Ed added

"Am I the only one who can see how this would go wrong?" Edd wondered to himself more than anything.

"Whatcha on about this time?!"

Edd took the momentary silence to construct his case. "For instance: One of the genre you listed was "Kung-Fu", implying it will involve martial arts -and knowing you, combat-. However, the only martial arts experience any of us have was a dojo scam -which failed-, and your ill-fated attempts to make Jimmy a sumo wrestler -which was doomed from the start, admittedly-."

"What, I never told you I know the deadliest style around, Double D?"

"Oh, and I still remember those sumo moves from TV, Double D!" Ed chimed in. He never realized they weren't watching him slip out of his clothes, tie his jacket into a makeshift Mawashi and begin to range about the living room, felling imaginary enemies with deadly belly thrusts. "SUCKY-YUCKY!"

"... And what, may I ask, is this "Deadliest style around", Eddy?" Edd wearily challenged.

"Outta my way, Samurai warrior! For I'm a mission! TOYOTA!"

Eddy hopped off the chair and extended his arms in some unidentifiable pose. "It's a secret and deadly technique known as..." Edd thought the pause was an invitation to speak, "... Whup-ass!"

What could Edd say to something so ridiculous? Whup-A$$? The name in itself told him all he needed to know. "Pardon?"

Meanwhile, Ed's imaginary battle had taken him to the kitchen "HA! Thought you could sneak up on me, deadly cyborg ninja of the Wasabi clan! Your exploding taser shuriken are no match for my Burr-head Bump! MITSUBISHI!"

THUD

"Whupass, Double D, is the fighting style my brother invented it after he won the world kickboxin' championship when he was eight! He taught it to me when I was five! I managed to get my quadruple black belt before he left!"

Ed's battle with his imaginary nemeses had taken him outside into the rain. "Release Princess Momo, evil tentacle monster from the Makai dimension! For I, Yokuzuna Ed will not allow you to molest her with your tentacle-ness...! Oh, no! It's got me! It seems I have no choice...! SEGA!"

CRASH

"Barring the obvious..." Edd began evenly, "Firstly, Eddy: black belts are ranked by degrees, not multiples. Secondly: It sounds like your brother was simply pulling your leg again. After all, what professional fighting circuit in their right mind would allow a child to compete against grown adults?"

"The kind that knows my brother's the man, Double D! Just like I'm gonna be when this book becomes a bestseller!" Eddy gloated.

"Right. Just, what would we be doing in this overly elaborate and I'm assuming dangerous adventure of yours?" Edd asked.

"Obviously kickass stuff, Double D!" Eddy answered, "With car chases and gun-sword fights with ninjas while rescuing the President! Followed by debriefing 'n cocktails where I make out with his hot daughters!"

Where to begin? "And for what purpose would we be doing any of this?" Edd questioned

"'Cause that's what badasses do, Double D! Like Jack Bauer, and Jason Stathem!"

"That's not answering the question, Eddy!" Edd sighed, "Why would we be doing any of these things? Who is chasing whom in these car chases? Why we are getting into -as you put it- gun/sword fights with ninja assassins? Why would it fall to us; three average middle school graduates to rescue the president rather than, say, the secret service, C.I.A., military, or even law enforcement, who, such a task would rightfully fall upon? And from what threat?"

Eddy sucked his teeth, "What, don't you see the movies, Double D? Those hacks couldn't keep a cheeseburger from gettin' eaten at a vegan convention!"

"That's a strangely specific analogy..." Edd mused.

Eddy shrugged, "Hey, they can't all be gold."

"But, in that case, look at it like a movie. What is the plot, the goal? There's a reason James Bond is getting into car chases and fights and lurid one night stands: and that's to attain a singular goal of stopping whatever terrorist is threatening the world at the time!"

"What, you mean the boring shit that happens between the good stuff?" Eddy shot back, "Nobody cares about that, Double D! It's just there to pad out the movie and shut up soccer moms who keep bitchin' about "It's too violent and sexualized"!"

"Like your mother, Eddy?" Edd quipped. Yet, there was a better point to make, "Liste; even Ed's idea had a plot! Plot is the driving force of the story! It breathes life into it! Plot gives the events meaning through context! Plot gives the characters motivation through conflict! It's the glue that holds everything together!"

"Oh, and what's the "plot" to your idea, Double D?" Eddy snapped, "We go out to look at birds 'n flowers 'n crap, 'cause you're too big a wuss to go on a real adventure!?"

"There's far more to it than just observing bird and plant life, Eddy!" Edd shot back, "It's about the adventure of traversing beautiful landscapes and exploring the simple wonders of the natural world, the deepening bonds of friendship that we share and the spiritual journey we take within ourselves to discover who we truly are!"

"I can sum that up in two words: Snores. Ville!"

Edd deflated in a huff. "At this rate, we're not even going to make it to the foreword."

"Well, where are we supposed to get a "plot" from, Double D?" Eddy snapped, "Outta the mailbox?!"

As if on some cue, Edd's front door swung open, as Ed had used his head to jar it open. In his hand was a flyer. "You've got mail!"

The three Eds were seated around the coffee table. Edd had spent the five minutes prior inspecting the strange letter with a magnifying glass. On the sofa across from him sat the other Eds. Ed took another crack at his teeth-counting record. He almost made it. Eddy on the other end, busily drummed his fingers over the armrest. He had finally mastered the baseline to James Brown's "Big Payback"

But, he'd waited long enough. "So, what's it say, Double D? I'll be it's from the president! I told you my idea was gold!"

"Actually, I've yet to read it, Eddy." Edd pointed out. Setting the magnifying glass on the table, Edd flipped the sheet over to give it one last glance over. "I find it strange that there's no return address..."

"So, what's it say?" Eddy urged.

Edd cleared his throat,

To Mr. Eddward Marian-

Ed and Eddy's snickering broke his concentration. A frown quickly silenced them. But, not without Ed getting a quick "That's a girl's name!" out.

Edd rolled his eyes.

To Mr. Eddward Marian "Double D" Vincent.

Please excuse the frankness of this letter, and the dubious circumstances upon which it had been delivered. However, time is of the essence and I lack the ability to grant you the delicacy this situation requires. First and foremost, I am a representative of a network of explorers, scientists, philosophers, artists, activists, and those of the inclination to use their talents for the betterment of good and the on-gong pursuit of knowledge! It is my utmost honor to extend to you an invitation to join this illustrious, and ever expanding network; by taking part in our upcoming summer training camp.

It is an intensive program, open only to those with great potential. In this camp, you will have the opportunity to study advanced scientific fields such as quantum physic-

"Lemme see that!" ignoring Edd's cry of protest, Eddy swiftly snatched the letter away and nearly sundered it. A skim later, Eddy looked up at Edd with a flat stare. "You should getcha eyes checked, Double D! It doesn't say anything about some "Advanced scientific fields"!"

"Is that so?" Edd replied, "Because that is clearly what was stated in the letter, Eddy!"

"No it ain't! It actually says..."

Are you a bad enough badass to take part in the most manliest, badass-est, explosive, and most exclusive camp ever made?! Forget the Urban Rangers! Only the toughest, most awesomest badasses ever are invited!

Rub elbows with famous and important people from all over! Hang out and "study" with the hottest, vivacious babes that'll make that girl next door look like Jane Plain 'n Tall! Learn the tricks of the trade from the world's most elite spies, assassins and men of dange-

"Oh my turn, Eddy!" When Ed grabbed the letter...

"Ed, you be careful with that!" Edd whined,

Ed ended up catapulting Eddy into the wall behind him, before perusing the letter proper. Then he stopped, and nearly twisted his head a full one-hundred-eighty degrees to shake his head at Eddy. "Tsk, tsk, Eddy! That's not what the letter says!"

"Yes, thank you, Ed." Edd sighed, "I was wondering where Eddy got that ridiculous-"

"It actually says..."

Hark, adventurer! For there is evil afoot! Are you brave enough to face that which goes bump in the night? Are you ready to journey into the depths of the final frontier to take on the Borg Collective and save the universe from assimilation? Then do not hesitate to join this year's Adventurer's Training Camp!

Train with the toughest, hardest and most fearless superheroes, space outlaws, demon hunters and vikings from across the multiverse! Learn about the many strange and exotic creatures unknown to man! Learn how to rescue princesses from evil mutant turtles, and become the hero you were meant to be!

Oh, and there'll also be snacks!

"Ed, if I may?" Edd asked at length.

When Ed handed back the letter, Edd skimmed through what he read until he landed where he left off. He glanced up at Eddy picking himself from the floor and storming back to the couch, then followed his glowering to Ed's empty headed smile, then back to the letter. What on earth were they reading? Sometimes people will see what they want. Ah, here's where Edd left off.

… Quantum Physics, chronology, archaeology, investigative psychology, astronomy, to name a few. However, I must also inform you that this invitation is only valid if you come as part of a group of six. Please have your group assembled and call 843-362867 before June 2nd.

Regards.

But who's regards? Setting the letter down, Edd paid little attention to Eddy snatching it from the table, and juggled the whole thing in his mind. For one, that phone number only had nine digits; a standard phone number, including the area code, had ten. The rest of this letter was written exquisitely well, so why would the sender allow it to be sent with this typo? Furthermore, the prerequisites were most unusual; shouldn't the sender also send invitations to those other five? Of course there was still the fact that the letter lacked a return address, and now a name.

"June second?" Eddy parroted, making Edd look up and watch him strain to answer his own question.

"That's tomorrow, Eddy." Edd supplied.

"TOMORROW?! HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIND THREE MORE PEOPLE BEFORE THEN?! ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S RAINING?!" Sometimes Edd wondered how Eddy's voicebox didn't give out from all that yelling.

"Well, as I stated, Eddy, the rain ought to stop soon." Edd explained, "However, don't you think we should be more concerned about the mysterious circumstances of this letter?"

"I told ya, it's from the president!" Eddy dismissed with a grin.

Of course, only Eddy would think that. However, Ed's finger rose to draw the other Eds' attention and halt any doubting retorts Edd thought up.

"I think I just thunk, guys!" Ed announced, and Edd winced at that butchered grammar, "We should do tryouts and stuff, like that one time we had a talent show and my eyebrow started growing all over me!"

And so Eddy's grin made room for thought. He nodded, "Yeah, not a bad idea, Lumpy!"

"Or..." Edd interjected, "The Urban Rangers are holding a meeting today. Perhaps, we ought to invite-"

Eddy's laugh was the fourth time he interrupted Edd, and all the answer he needed. "Ha ha hell no!"

An hour later, the downpour had indeed ended. The endless grays painting the skies broke into soft patches of white, and a vengeful sun worked to dry the lands. When the three Eds stepped out of the Vincent house, Ed was armed with a stack of fliers nearly as high as he was tall. Edd nearly worked his father's printer to death to make those.

Throwing his palm up on the oaf's shoulder, Eddy coached him, "Now, remember, Ed: Put those fliers anywhere 'n everywhere in town! Got it, lumpy?"

Balancing the wavering stack in one hand, Ed saluted Eddy, "Roger Wilco!" then broke into a mad dash. A litter of fliers followed Ed as he rounded the corner out of the cul-de-sac. He could last be heard shouting "I'm on a mission, beeyatch!"

The spectacle tickled Eddy, making him hunch over as he laughed. Edd could only shake his head; Eddy's sudden preference for profanity had infected Ed as well. Edd could only hope this wouldn't become an epidemic. But, the decline of clean language would have to wait, as there was a stand that needed building and a junkyard full of materials to raid.

Of course, Edd would get his exercise for the day, as he was made to drag the pile of plywood and a discarded kitchen counter back to the cul-de-sac by some miracle. The construction of the actual stand would prove less strenuous, if arduous, since Eddy burdened himself with a most important task: Lounging on a lawn chair and soaking up the sun's fury.

Perilously perched on a rickety ladder, Edd had to steady every fiber of his being as he nailed the sign, reading "Eds' Adventurer's Auditions" in his meticulously tight print, to the top.

Occasionally Eddy would shout some encouragement, "C'mon, Double D! I ain't getting' any younger!"

"You kno- OH!"

With a jolt, Edd managed to grasp the half-secured sign as the ladder slipped from under him. Trapped, Edd's arms squeezed into the splintering wood, his body fighting to still itself.

"Eddy! Help me!" Edd wailed.

With a reflector blasting bright white rays into his face, Eddy even couldn't burden himself with looking up. "You got it, Double D!" He shouted back.

"Eddy! Eddy, the sign's slipping! I'm going down! I'M GOING- AAAH!" The sound of Edd's lithe frame smacking against pavement could be heard across town, evident by Plank poking his head from a distant tree to observe the commotion.

Yet, Eddy hardly noticed. "Christ! Am I the only one that works around here?"

Once Edd had recovered from the impact of his fall, it took him half an hour to procure the necessary helmet and safety padding before attempting to attach the sign again. Mercifully, that rickety old ladder chose to hold still long enough for Edd to nail the sign to its spot.

Once Eddy was crispy enough, he put his tanning equipment away and slipped back on his bowler shirt just in time to see Edd gingerly climbing down the ladder. "Took ya' long enough!" He spat then missed Edd's wide, twitching glare to admire the stand.

"Thing's a beaut, Double D" Eddy complimented.

"Why, thank you Eddy!" If only Eddy noticed the trembling and grating in Edd's voice, "And to think it only took two hours, forty-three minutes, several scrapes and bruises and a concussion!"

Eddy suddenly glanced about the cul-de-sac. "The hell's takin' Ed so long?"

"Well, I certainly hope he didn't ge- ACK!"

The manhole cover besides Edd's foot popped up, sending the boy jumping into Eddy's arms... Right before Eddy dropped him on his butt. With said manhole cover sitting atop his head, Ed poked his head from the sewers and hastily scanned his surroundings. Edd could've sworn Ed looked frightened before he smiled and blathered,"HELLO!"

"Yes, hello, Ed." Edd wearily returned.

"'Bout time you got back!" Eddy groused, "We're gonna start the auditions! Did ya' put up all the signs?"

Climbing out of the sewers, with the manhole cover now acting as a hat, Ed gave a thumbs up. "I put'em anywhere 'n everywhere, Eddy! Just like ya' said!"

Picking himself up and rubbing the sting from his coccyx, Edd shot a glance at Ed's unusual point of ingress. Hopefully Ed's confirmation didn't mean the sewers were now covered with fliers. Matter of fact, "Ed, why pray tell were you in the sewers in the first place?"

Taken aback, Ed suddenly glanced over the hole in the street then whipped his head about. Snapping his fingers, the big oaf promptly yanked what looked like a trash can from his coat and plugged it into the manhole.

"There, my tracks are covered!" Ed turned to answer the obvious question,

When Eddy suddenly cut in front of him, "C'mon! We're burnin' daylight here!"

Thus, the Eds took their place behind the stand and waited.

Waited.

Waited.

And wai-

"C'MON ALREADY!" Eddy's voice blasted the silence and sent a flock of birds scrambling for the skies. " WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?!"

"Eddy, it's only been two minutes." Edd pointed out.

"ARGH! It's like watchin' paint dry!" Eddy growled.

"Oh, this is just like when I watch the gravy in my tub ferment, Eddy!" Ed chimed in.

That earned a sideways glance from the other two Eds. It took Edd a considerable amount of effort to force his breakfast grapefruit to stay put with the way his stomach wreathed at the thought. "Thank you for sharing that, Ed." He managed, then turned to Eddy's scowling, "Now, Eddy, patience is a virtue! But, might I suggest we go speak to the Ur-"

"SOMEBODY'S COMIN'!" Eddy announced and his pointing directed the Eds' eyes to Kevin's garage door opening. Could Edd please be allowed a complete statement today?

Strangely, Eddy's excitement blinded him to the fact that the gait riding up to them on his bike belonged to his next door neighbor, neighborhood jock, and lifelong nemesis. When Kevin Barr did in fact skid to a stop and kick his kickstand down, that fact slapped Eddy upside his head and a sneer formed to match Kevin's.

"Oh, it's you!" Eddy spat.

"Hi, Kevin!" Ed greeted.

Kevin's sneer only had eyes for Eddy, "Alright, what scam are you dorks runnin' this time?!" He demanded. From his pocket, Kevin yanked out a crumpled copy of the Eds' flier. "I found this littered all over my lawn!"

"Well, before anything, Kevin, I would like to apologize for Ed's advertising methods. Now, addressing your concerns, I can assure you this venture is perfectly legitimate -as are most of them are, admittedly-. We're preparing for an adventure, of which we intend to publish an autobiography about. However, we require some extra participants, hence we're holding auditions to determine who would come with us!" Edd explained, then threw on a smile he hoped would convince Kevin.

The jock in question rested his chin over his hand. Between the sign, the flyer in hand, and the smiling, nervously smiling, and sneering Eds, he test the thought in his mind. "... So, if I make this audition; you dorks'll write a book about me?"

"Well, not strictly about one parti-"

"In yer dreams, Kev!" Eddy snapped over Edd, "These auditions are open only to the most elite, hardcore baddasses around! Besides, who the hell would wanna read a book about you?" With his sneer cracking into a smirk, Eddy shook to contain his laughter.

"Oh, like you Jackass rejects are so noteworthy?!" Kevin spat, "I'd pretty much carry this "Adventure" of yours! For one, I'm better lookin'..."

"Better lookin' than Ed, maybe!" Eddy cut in.

Kevin's ranting tripped over itself. In the brief silence, his sneering sharpened into a glare that cut Eddy's snorting to a halt. "... Anyway...! I got the best chance of getting' with Nazz..."

"Not even in yer dreams, Kev!" Eddy broke into a full laugh that bent him over and smacked his head into the stand's counter top.

Despite Eddy smacking himself to silence, Edd couldn't help noticing the fury staining Kevin's skin red, and his teeth gnashing with enough pressure to make a diamond. Edd had been dragged into this situation enough times to know Eddy mustn't anger him again, lest the Eds be served a knuckle sandwich each.

"As. I. Was. Saying...!" Kevin seethed then settled. "... Besides all that, I got wicked BMXin' skills, which also landed me the record for the longest skid mark!" He let that last one hang in the air, letting just a little of his glowering show. The whole time, Kevin's eyes focused on Eddy, watching, begging him to laugh, to quip something smart, any excuse to use the little loudmouth for a punching bag.

And all parties could see Eddy fighting it. Wavering eyes meeting Kevin's and the beads of sweat running down his sun-scorched skin. Eddy wrestled with hips to be still as they twisted and turned in protest. Finally, Eddy's face straightened and Edd released a baited breath.

"Whew." The sock-hatted one turned to address Kevin, "Now, Kev-"

"More like longest skidmark on yer underwear!" Eddy was so close. So close!

"Burn!" Ed added.

And so the last straw broke and Kevin hopped off his bike to stomp a B-line for the Eds. "That's it! I'mma make a skidmark outta you, Dork!" He barked.

Now, Eddy regretted his mockery. But, despite an exit literally right next to him, Eddy could only watch Kevin advance as if caught between a rock and a hard place. "W-Wait a sec, Kev...!" And fear choked the rest of Eddy's pleas from him.

"Look out, Kevin! Eddy's a quadruple black belt in Whupass!" Ed cautioned.

"Not helping, Ed!" Edd cried.

"I'll give ya' a double black eye in getting yer ass whupped!" Kevin snapped.

He was almost there. Eddy should run. He wanted to run. But, damn his legs for taking the instinct for flight as a command to quake impotently. The jock with a fist reserved for Eddy's face was at the counter, cocking back a haymaker. Eddy squeezed his eyes shut.

"Kevin, wait!" Edd cried.

Nothing. No familiar agony of fist merging with Eddy's face. As Eddy eased his eyes back open, he saw Kevin holding his pose, eyes on Edd who bargained for Eddy's well being, "Perhaps a non-violent display of your "wicked BMXin' skills" would be more appropriate?"

When Kevin's light green eyes flicked to Eddy, the shorter boy flinched. Looking back to Edd, the jock settled for folding his arms over his chest.

"Whatcha got in mind?"

Finally, Eddy could breathe again.

"Kevin, you forgot to beat up Eddy!" Ed pointed out.

Ignoring protests and rants from Eddy, Ed and Edd displaced their stand from the middle of the street, to the curb in front of Jimmy's house. The following hour and a half had been spent assisting Kevin in collecting, then working another pile of plywood into a serviceable ramp set in front of Ed's house. Left to stand alone at the stand, Eddy followed his friend and mortal enemy's work with a glare that made the sun jealous.

Occasionally one would say something that actually coaxed a laugh from the other. What were they laughing about? Was it about Eddy? Of course, in Eddy's paranoid mind, Kevin was the benefactor of all of Eddy's setbacks; it would only be natural for that asshole jock to try to turn the brains of his trio to his side.

The presence of the ramp, and the commotion its construction caused managed to beckon the attention of Ed's little hell spawn, Sarah Hill, and the cul-de-sac sweetheart, Nazz Van Bartonschmeer. For a moment, the fact Rolf, Jimmy and Jonny were absent was odd, until someone remembered they were holding an Urban Rangers meeting.

For the occasion, Nazz and Sarah dusted off their Peach Creek Cobblers cheerleading uniforms, complete with pom pomps and a stereo blasting some crappy pop song Eddy couldn't be hassled to remember. Nazz held Eddy's eyes, dragging his attention where ever she pranced and jumped and cheered. Every jump birthed the hope Nazz's skirt would flutter high enough to make this farce worth his time.

The fifth time Eddy's hopes were dashed, his gaze broke away to Kevin, perched on his bike on Jonny's driveway, strapping on his trusted -if rarely used- red and flame decorated bike helmet.

When Edd finally appeared beside him at the stand, Eddy's ire fell to him. "Done helpin' the enemy, Double Crosser?" He seethed.

"Oh, Eddy, get over yourself!" Edd shot back, "By assisting Kevin, not only did the set up take less time, but it also presented an opportunity to get use-"

"Oh, can it, Sockhead!" Eddy snapped. Even looking right at him, he failed to notice to darkening expression Edd's face took. "'N what's with the cheerin' section anyway?! What makes this bazooka chinned bastard so special?!"

Edd rolled his eyes with a huff. "You know, Eddy. Something like this takes a considerable amount of courage and effort! You ought to show a little more appreciation!"

"What, this?!" Eddy shot back, gesturing to the ramp, "I can do this with my hands tied behind my back on a unicycle!

"Just like the time ya' lost your voice!" Ed chimed in, "Right, Eddy?"

"You wish you had the balls for this, dork!" Kevin shouted across the street.

Blue eyes batting between his fellow Eds, then the spectacle across from them, Eddy finally huffed a sigh of defeat, "I'm gonna get a Coke!" He announced, "Lemme know when Evel Kneivel over there's done snuffin' it!"

"Will do, Eddy!" Ed saluted.

Eddy managed two struts towards his house before Edd cried after him, "Eddy! Don't walk in front of the ramp!"

When Eddy did stop, Kevin had already squeezed the brakes shut and pedaled with all his might, kicking dust and the stench of burning rubber into the air. Looking back at Edd, Eddy waved him off then continued strutting. It was the exact moment Kevin released the breaks and peeled out into a streak that turned Eddy into a skidmark.

Every bulging, unblinking eye watched the collision flip Kevin over and his momentum drag his face up the ramp, before flinging him over Ed's house. A sigh of relief blew out of Sarah as Kevin cleared her backyard. Instead, the jock flipped end over end until gravity tugged him into the baking, unyielding asphalt in the construction sight. The next moment, his faithful bike landed atop of him in a heap of broken limbs and twisted metal.

"Ouch, dude!" Kevin wheezed.

Back in the cul-de-sac, the onlookers didn't see, but felt Kevin's crash.

Amidst the cringing, Edd said, "Oh, dear! Well, thankfully I always keep an emergency first-aid kit in the event of-"

KA-BOOM

The impossibility punched Edd's gut. Kevin's bike just exploded? Why did Kevin's bike explode? After all, it isn't gas powered in an-

"OH MY GOD! KEVIN!" Nazz screeched. Pompoms discarded and forgotten, the blonde made a mad dash for the construction sight, a pillar of black smoke marking Kevin's location.

Of course! Assess now, agonize later. Thankfully, Edd also kept an emergency fire extinguisher for such situations. With it in hand, Edd fell behind Nazz, chanting "Notgoodnotgoodnotgood!" All the way.

Suddenly Sarah snapped out of her trance and followed suit. "Holy shit!" she cried.

Now it was Ed's turn to run. "Sarah!" he shouted after his sister, "Watch your language!"

Alone and in great pain, Eddy had little to do, but stare off into space.

"Why is my life pain?"

Once Kevin's injuries were properly treated and the EMTs loaded him, and a worrying Nazz unto the back of an ambulance, Edd was left to tend to Eddy's medical needs before Kevin's ramp had to be dismantled and the Eds' auditioning stand returned to taking up the middle of the street. When this task finished, the clear skies glowed a waning orange as the day slowly burned out.

With Ed beside him, taking another crack at his teeth counting record, Edd used the lingering silence to contemplate the day's events. That letter of invitation sitting in his pocket still teased his thoughts. Now that he had time to think about it, that letter's promises seem-

"Stupid asshole Kevin 'n his stupid asshole bike jump!" Eddy grumbled. When he joined the other Eds at the stand, his bowler shirt had to be replaced and a fresh strip of road rash ran from his forehead to far below the confines of his clothes.

Edd shook his head. "Serves you right, Eddy!" He admonished, "This should serve as a lesson about observin-"

"Oh shut up!" Eddy barked. "Let's get to our next audition!" And his glowering lightened into a grin, "I'll bet it's Nazz! I know she just can't wait to go on an adventure with me!"

"Eddy, Nazz went with Kevin to the hospital." Edd interjected.

Eddy's head nearly twisted off, it turned to Edd so fast. "What?!" He gasped, "Then who the hell are we gonna audition next?! Sarah?!"

"Sarah bad for Ed!" Ed whined.

"Or..." Edd made sure he had Eddy's attention, "... Perhaps we can go speak to the Urban Rangers, now?"

Eddy's wide eyes and aghast mouth was answer enough. But, non-verbal cues were not Eddy's style, "What, those badge-hoardin' good-for-nothin's?!

"I've failed to see why we shouldn't, Eddy!" Edd insisted, "After all, with their skill sets, they would be uniquely qualified for an endeavor such as this!"

"Oh, like that one time you went to them for help gettin' Ed back from the Kankers 'n they botched it?!" Eddy countered.

"Oh, he's gotcha there, Double D." Ed nodded.

True, but Edd's counter was right beside him, "Well, in their defense, Eddy. The rangers' tactics would have succeeded if not for Ed's blustering, exposing their attempts to The Kankers in the first place!"

For a moment, Eddy's gaze shot over to Ed, who offered a shrug. "Yep, sounds like me alright!"

Eddy's lip caught between clenched teeth. Edd had him, perhaps the short one would see reason and-

"Yeah? Gimme one good reason why we should invite'em!"

Three good reasons appeared several paces from the stand. With their attention fixed on one another, Edd and Eddy couldn't see them. And the sight of them rendered Ed mute with fright.

"Hiya, boys!" They chorused.

Chills slithered up each Ed's spine and lanced across their limbs. They knew that chorus. The end times had come. Their plan went on spoken. Don't move. Don't even breathe. No sudden moves. Just

"RUN AWAY!"

Stand abandoned, the Eds only managed four paces before something pounced on them and this sticky thing pressed them to the street and then into a bundle. All forward moment died, gradually becoming backward momentum as they were reeled in. It took the Eds until they were dragged to The Kanker Sisters' feet to realize they were in a net, and the nightmare trio steadied a long fishing pole they used to reel them in.

"Seems like we got the catch of the day!" Laughed Lee Kanker

Resentment pushed fear's grip for Eddy's throat, "What the hell're you doin' here?!" He demanded.

"We came to answer your invite!" Marie answered.

Each Kanker produced a familiar sheet of paper; their flyer for the auditions.

The implication clubbed Eddy over the head. He strained to turn his head, his ire on a quaking Ed. "Why the hell did you put fliers up in the trailer park?!"

"But ya' said to put'em anywhere 'n everywhere, Eddy!"

And that implication punched Eddy in the chest. At least that explained Ed's strange entrance earlier. Of course, only Edd noticed they were being moved again. Through the netting, Edd watched as the entrance to the forest loom to welcome them.

The Kankers intended to drag this out.

The approaching dusk set the forest into a contrast of light and shadows. Since they arrived, the Urban Rangers had been scouting, planning and waiting. Hidden among the trees, Rolf Kelamis, leader of the Urban Rangers, son of a shepherd, scanned the wilderness through a spyglass. Teeth, green from his motherland's delicacies, gnashed and ground at each other as he did his umpteenth sweep.

"See anything, Rolf?" Hissed Ranger Jonny "Two-by-four" Grove behind him. "Plank's got nothin' either."

"The forest remains as empty as Rolf's great-nano's eye socket!" Rolf hissed back.

"Um, gentlemen?" Peeped Ranger Jimmy Christensen from below. Looking down and across, the other rangers found him blending into a bush that shivered with him. "Are you sure that intel was good? We've been out here for hours and my-"

"Enough, Ranger Jimmy!" Rolf grunting might as well have been a shout.

Both rangers promptly lost their voice. Rolf had always been strict, intense. But, none of them had ever seen him so on edge before. When the rains stopped and the Urban Ranger's meeting moved back to Rolf's farm, they were greeted by a man in a brown coat. The thought of that mysterious British gentleman brought a smile to Jimmy's face, before a rustle whisked them away.

Up in his tree, Rolf spied their prey; the dreaded Kanker Sisters laughing to themselves with the lead, Lee, knocking a fishing pole to her shoulder. The moment those scourges from the trailer park appeared, Rolf's mind went back to that man and their exchange.

"... So, why should we do this?" Rolf asked.

The man smiled, leaning in to whisper, "What if I told you that you'd have another chance at that pewter medallion? What if, by doing this, you'd not only get redemption, but a chance to become Runesalvie?"

Rolf reeled back and the stranger in the brown coat smiled, leering. That name carried a terrible weight. The elders of his villages would sometimes speak of them in hushed tones. Alas, the Runesalvie were gone. Their hermitage in shambles, their tongues dead, their legacy only myth and speculation. Who was this stranger to speak as if that which had been lost was simply found in a cupboard? This was a trick, a rouse to rival those damned Ed-boys! Even as it tugged at Rolf's heart so!

"Do you take Rolf to be a Merry Andrew, “Time Lord”?!" Rolf snapped.

Still smiling, still collected and sure, the stranger paced about Rolf. "I was told much about you Rolf Kelamis; Son of a Shepherd! They say you're wise, possessing the spine of an ox and nerves of steel! They say you are a born leader, a man that can not deny a challenge! Oh, you're many things Rolf Kelamis; a Merry Andrew is not one of them!" His pacing brought him beside Rolf, face a breath from the boy's ear.

"Were they wrong about you?"

"Look! Eds at Eleven ‘O Clock!" Jonny whispered.

Snapping from his trance, Rolf jammed the spyglass to his eye and made The Eds trapped in a net covered in some substance and being dragged behind the Kankers by some witchery. It took Rolf's mind a moment to register the line connecting the poor sod's bonds to a fishing pole Lee hefted. Rolf lowered the spyglass with sweating palms. So sweaty, the instrument nearly slipped from his grasp.

This was a jest. It has to be! The so-called “Time Lord” is in league with those trailer park witches; tempting Rolf with sweet promises of redemption and legend! A lure to drag the proud rangers to more demise and disgrace! They should turn back. They should flee and... And...

"Were they wrong about you?"

No

This isn't fear. The sweating, the quaking, Rolf's heart pounding in his ears and his guts dancing isn't fear

"Take your positions!" Rolf hissed to his subordinates. He barely finished before they slipped away.

Rolf was alone.

This isn't fear. This is Rolf's body stoking the flames of his fury. Grasping his weapon, Rolf too slipped away, the forest covering his transit.

"Laugh while you can Kanker witches. For retribution is at hand!"

The Dwindling distance to the Park 'n Flush trailer park had ignited the Eds' panic. As Ed and Eddy strained fruitlessly against their bindings.

"NNNGH! What's this shit made of?!" Eddy grunted!

"It's enchanted with the power of the dark side, Eddy!" Ed strained.

"Nope! This fishin' net's coated with out special Kanker rubber cement!" Lee said

Despite it all, a sardonic smirk crossed Edd's lips. At least they were consistent. Still,

"Ladies, please! We were in the middle of auditions!"

For the first time since their appearance, the Kankers actually looked at the fliers. Then broke into laughter.

"Ha! Can you imagine these wimps tryin' to go on an adventure?" Lee said.

"I know right? 'N then tryin' to make a book out of it?" Marie added, "Hey, how about the time Oven-mit over there got his ass kicked by the queer kid?"

Oh, Marie. Always cutting deep.

"Or that time we whupped their asses in that rasslin' match?" May added.

Another cut.

"Oh, and the time we wreck their little cruise and took their first kiss?" Lee added

How could they?

“And the time we wreck their gay little cowboy game?”

Stop it

“... Or the time we locked them in the basement ‘n played footsies?”

Please

"And the time we tricked them into coming to our wedding?" Marie said

No more!

"And let's not forget when we made'em pull our wagon to our honeymoon!" Lee laughed, "Now, if that ain't love; I dunno what is!"

All of it, the traumas, remembered agonies, the nights Edd would wake in cold sweats, paranoia making him see these sisters where they weren't there. Nerves rattling and his breaths scarce, Edd curled into a ball. Trying to shut out the laughing, trying to push the painful memories from his mind. Just wanting some peace.

"Hey, here's a book people'll actually wanna read...!" Lee suddenly suggested.

Ed and Eddy's thrashing stopped. What little breath Edd had pushed out of him.

"I can see it now! After another one of their stupid ideas fail; Ed, Edd 'n Eddy-"

"Ha! She said it!" Ed giggled, until Lee beaned him with a tire iron.

"As I was sayin'...!" Lee growled, it took her another stroke of that single chin hair to find her spot, "Oh, yeah...! Ed, Edd 'n Eddy are whisked away by their lovely wives and taken on a dirty, raunchy, homoerotic journey to discover their inner bottom bitch!"

"Oh, I like that one!" Laughed May.

"We'll call it, "Fifty Shades of Ed"!" Lee finished.

When the three Kankers turned, the Eds were met with a slight twinkle in their hooded eyes, a slight trickle (or in May's case, a cascade) of drool rolling off the corner of their lips before their tongue washed over them. They feared that look since the first time they saw it.

"Looks like you get to have your adventure after all, boys!" Marie purred.

Fear had a way of delaying proper responses. For the several paces the Eds were dragged, the implication hung over their heads, waiting. In time, the trailer park gradually faded into the horizon, and now implication struck the wind from each Ed.

"OH FUCK NO!" Eddy screamed.

And with that strike, desperation blazed and the Eds thrashed and kicked and clawed and screamed with all the futile power that desperation granted.

"BAD TOUCH! FIFTY SHADES OF BAD FOR ED!" Ed blared

"NOT LIKE THIS! ANYTHING BUT THIS!" Edd cried. "HELP! SOMEONE! ANYONE!"

Seeing this, the Kankers cackled again. "Oh, I just love watchin'em squirm!" Lee laughed.

And then they stopped.

For all their kicking and screaming, the Eds didn't notice the rest in action until a trash can, courtesy of Marie, bounced off their heads. When The Eds did stop, they followed the Kanker's gaze to something standing in the brush of the forest.

"What's that?" May finally asked.

"It's a statue, dumbass!" Marie answered.

"Hey, y'know who that looks like?" Lee wondered, "That weird Indian guy! What's his name?"

"Hiya, Rolf!" Ed greeted.

Focusing passed the net, Edd could indeed see the statue took the likeness of Rolf. Dressed in his Urban Rangers uniform with arms pressed to his sides, the statue cast a scornful glare towards the Kankers staring at it. Edd couldn't tell, with this net in the way, but he could swear there was something in the statue's hand.

"I think it's starin' at us!" May said.

Before Lee cracked her palm upside her head. "Statues don't stare, retard!"

"That's why they're statues!" Marie added.

"Now c'mon!" Lee ordered, "Our husbands have some husbandly duties to fulfill!"

The moment The Kankers took their attention away from the statue...

"SHAKLAVAH!"

They turned and the statue was on Lee, clubbing her over the face with a fish. As she stumbled back,

"GERONIMO!"

Above Marie a blur of blue and yellow descended from the trees and pounced on her, while something spun into May's face.

With the net, the poor vantage and the chaos of limbs, The Eds could hardly see what was happening. It didn't help when a familiar blue vest over a yellow T-shirt appeared in front of them.

"Outta the way, Jimmy! I can'-" Eddy stopped. "Jimmy? Is that really you?!"

"Hold still, fellas!" Jimmy hissed and from a backpack, he produced a pair of hedge clippers. Breath and hope bloomed in their chests. Here were the Urban Rangers, coming to save them! However, Jimmy found himself struggling. Even with his whole body on the lever, the clippers stuck into the line.

"Jimmy!" Edd called to him, "The Kankers treated this net with their rubber cement! You need to use Acetone to dissolve it!"

Jimmy blinked. "Acetone?"

"The honor of the Urban Rangers shall be avenged Kanker witch!" Rolf roared behind them.

Edd bit his lip, having enough view to see Lee catch Rolf's mackerel then use is to throw him against a tree. With a wheez, Rolf crumbled to the ground. Hurry up, Eddward! Edd wracked his brain: Various cleaning products had that crucial formula; Laundry detergent, a particle board, paint remover, fingernail polish remov- That was it!

"Jimmy, have you any nail polish remover?" Edd urged.

"What?!" Eddy snapped behind him.

"This is no time for a makeover, Double D!" Jimmy strained, those hedge clippers still weren't clipping.

"No! Nail polish remover contains acetone, which should dissolve the rubber cement!" Edd hastily explained.

"Hey, get this thing off me!"

Every eye turned to see May's wrestling match with a hunk of wood go to the ground. Rolling about, May could only keep Plank at arms' length in the brief moments she was prone. The whole time, cold crayoned eyes stared, smiling. Always smiling.

The chaos stopped for a moment.

"Really, May?" Marie sighed.

The fighting resumed. Meanwhile, Jimmy fished out a bottle of nail polish remover, nearly fumbled with it, then dumped its contents over the net. As Edd predicted, the formula already began its work and Jimmy's clippers bit then severed the bonds. The three Eds dug their way from the net, Eddy pushing Edd aside before Ed grabbed the sock-hatted one on his way out.

"FREEDOM!" Ed cheered

Finally able to see the fight proper; they could see Lee charging at Rolf while the farmer pushed himself to sit crossed legged. With a roar, Lee hefted the fish up and swung down all of her force right into...  Rolf's feet?

"What th-" Lee barely had time to be shocked.

Rolf rolled back, allowing the force of Lee's strike to yank her into the tree supporting his posture. A subtle CRUNCH carried over to the Eds, who winced. When Lee stumbled back on unstable legs, the onlookers could make out a splatter of blood where Lee's face kissed the tree.

At the same time, Marie had caught Jonny in a headlock. Yet, the nature-lover took to pounding into her mid-section the moment her arms circled his neck. Wincing and gritting her teeth, Marie struggled through the blows until one of them sunk into her lower abdomen.

Edd, despite everything, nearly shared her pain. Did Jonny know he just struck her ovaries? Regardless, Marie's hold slacked and the boy spun behind her, locking arms against that same spot (perhaps he does) then bent backwards, lifting the gasping, groaning Marie up, back and suplexed her head into the soil.

May finally had the presence of mind to simply throw Plank away. Yet, having thrown the aspiring floorboard sideways; Plank simply made a U-Turn and the edge of his head clocked May across the temple. She stumbled, teetering towards Marie who finally yanked her head from the ground, and fell on her, shoving it back in.

Lee, with her hand staining red from covering a broken nose recovered, only then registered Rolf stalking her.

"Why you no good, dirty, motherfu-"

Her cocked fist left her open, and Rolf simply swung the mackerel up into her chin. A thick SPLAT confirmed his counter, with Lee sent floating backward. Despite having May's weight on her, Marie's head emerged from the earth a second time. Then Lee joined the Kanker pile and Marie was made to continue her ostrich impression.

The dust settled. Jonny caught Plank as he flew back to his lifelong friend and Rolf flicked the dirt from his weapon. They all took a moment, looking at the crumbled pile of limbs that once had been the bane of their existence.

"Holy shit! They did it!" Eddy wasn't sure he believed his own words.

"NO RAPE FOR ED!" Ed cheered

"Yes, the honor of the Urban Rangers has b-"

Marie's head plucked from the earth. Her sisters stirred back to consciousness. One by one, the sisters rose. Marie shook her head, and the dirt from her blue mane. Lee set her bloody nose straight, not even wincing as it popped into place. May sprung to her feet and menaced a tree behind her sisters. Marie back handed her and she turned.

“And they’re getting back up.” Jonny said.

The Kankers took a step forward. 

“Time for Phase Two.” Rolf nodded

Phase Two? The Eds turned wide, dilating eyes on their rescuers... And watched them sprint in the opposite direction. Aren't they going to...

"Quick!" Jimmy urged from behind them, "Come with us if you wanna live!"

No one had to tell The Eds twice. With hell hot on their heels, fear became fuel and fatigue was a myth. They didn't look back. They must never look back. To look back was to invite capture. To look back was to resign yourself to a fate that made death seem like a vacation.

Okay, perhaps one look wouldn't...

"GOOD LORD!" Marie was barely a breath away from snatching Edd's hat. "STEP ON IT FELLOWS! THEY'RE GAINING!"

Suddenly, Rolf whistled and ahead of him, his goat, Victor, his pig, Wilfred, and his cow... His cow burst out from the brush parallel to the runners and fell in beside them. With a hop, Jonny and Rolf mounted Victor and Wilfred with a practiced easy.

When Jimmy prepared the same, a rock stubbed his toe and inertia planted his face in the dirt. His desperate flailing managed to catch the cow's tail, leaving the wailing, crying sod to be dragged against the dirt. Every once in a while he was flipped and turned and the trees carried his cries across the forest.

"Hold on, Jimmy!" Jonny shouted.

"Turkey Eyes Ed-Boy!" Rolf addressed Ed, "Throw your companions to us! Quickly!"

"But what of Jimmy, Rol-"

Edd, along with Eddy were quickly collected in each of Ed's hands before they were thrown flailing and screaming towards the rangers. Jonny only had to hold up Plank for Edd to grab before he was flung unto Victor's back -who bleated a protest- behind him.

"Nice catch, buddy!" Jonny complimented Plank.

Plank just smiled.

Eddy's screams halted cold when Rolf's hand snatched his cowlicks from the air and slapped the boy over his shoulder. When the stars faded and his breathing reset, he stared down at Rolf's "steed".

"Why I gotta ride the pig?!"

Jimmy's cries snatched everyone's attention. With every rock, and uneven terrain and exposed root bumping him up, his grip slipped lower.

"Oh curse my dainty, baby smooth palms!" Jimmy cried.

"Do not let go, Ranger Jimmy!" Rolf shouted.

"Ed, do something!" Edd cried.

Ed's eyes sharpened. "MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!"

Ed's sprint became a charge. Jimmy's grip slipped away, leaving the screaming boy to sprawl right into Ed's hands. Using the momentum of the catch, Ed then swung his arm and catapulted Jimmy in an arc, where he landed on his back over the cow's back.

He could barely feel May's fingers on his skin when he pitched forward unto all-fours and sped up behind, then under the cow.

"Moo?!" The cow, Jimmy and all, was suddenly hefted unto Ed's back piggy-back style. The bovine stared at the boy, then up at Jimmy. At least she didn't have to carry both of them.

"Ranger Jonny...!" Rolf shouted.

Jonny nodded then turned to Edd. "Take over, Double D!" He said then swung around to switched places with the sock-hatted boy.

Suddenly holding Plank in one hand and Victor's horn in the other, Edd's gaze frenzied about the goat. "Oh, dear! I'm driving without a license! How do I steer? Are there turning signals? Where are the brakes?!"

"Just keep'em steady, Double D!" Jonny instructed and twisted at the waist to face the Kankers.

"YER NOT GETTIN' AWAY YOU HOMEWRECKERS!" Shrieked Lee

The angry, battered and bloody hags-in-training were still three paces back. Jonny shook his head; they just don't know when to quit.

"GET BACK HERE WITH OUR HUSBANDS!" Demanded Marie.

Jonny took a trio of acorns and a slingshot from a vest pocket, bit the stems off then knocked them in the sling and drew it back.

"'N GIMME BACK MUH BACK-SCRATCHER!" May screeched.

"Scratch this!" Jonny spat.

The acorns landed in each Kanker's mouth and went down to their throats. Their pursuit tripped over itself, the Kankers clutching their throats, gagging. Lee tried to force herself up before the three of them each vomited up a tree that shoved them up into the treeline before branches and leaves bloomed, and pushed them off and back to the earth.

The Eds and Urban Rangers were too far away to hear the resounding BOOM their impact made, and the wheezes rushing out of them when the impact stole their breaths. Silence settled and as twilight cast the forest into shadows. Yet, Lee's eyes burned like the morning sun. With a roar she hefted her sisters on her shoulders and dumped them aside, then charged face first into the tree.

With Lee nursing her crushed nose, her sisters took note of the new trees blocking their progress.

"Hey, these trees are in the way!" May complained.

"No shit, Einstein!" Marie spat.

"C'mon! We'll go the other way and cut'em off at the pass!" Lee barked. And her sisters fell in behind her berserker's pace, blood flying from her destroyed nose.

SNAP

May stopped. Then her sisters stopped and marched right up to her.

"What the hell, May?!" Marie demanded.

If the two had only looked down, they would noticed the severed rope at May's foot. Instead, a eerie creak brought their attention west as a log swung into their faces and brought the stars to their eyes. Grunting and yelling, the Kankers sprawled across bushes and branches then down a hill, until finally a hole swallowed them.

In a pile, yet again, Lee once again forced herself to her feet and her sisters tumbling to the ground. Her head whipped about to observe darkness, whisking blood this way and that. Thankfully this hole was in a clearing and the moon and stars greeted them from the heavens. It would serve as a beacon, one that would direct Lee and her sisters out of this hole and lead them to their new prey. If her rabid clawing could get her out of the hole instead of tossing dirt about.

Annoyed, but fatigued, May and Marie gave their surroundings a more detailed look. For instance, the moon highlighted a small, solitary creature who watched the sisters with a hollow gaze.

"Hey look! A possum!" May pointed out.

Marie looked at the creature who canted its head, staring at them still. From the light, she made out a body of mottled grays, and a white face striped black. She turned a flat stare at her sister then slapped the blonde idiot upside her head. "You idiot! That's a-"

"WHO CARES ABOUT SOME STUPID SKUNK?!" Lee should have turned around. Should have seen the "Skunk" get taken aback by her shouting then snarl, its mouth frothing with bubbling outrage. "... We need to get outta this hole 'n hunt down those husband steal- AAAAH!"

And a furry torpedo sunk its foam-saturated jaws into her neck.

Author's note: And now for a little game.

1: You notice on a phone that the digits also have letters attached to them. Sometimes they're used to dial a word. What word does the phone number in the letter spell?

2. What animal is currently mauling the Kanker Sisters?

Whoever can guess these correctly will get a cookie!

[astereaes]

The moonlight thief chapter seven!

You aren’t ready for this. No. shhh. I am ready to rip out your heart without mercy. Thanks to @kanarael for beta reading and all the pasta who pushed me to finish this. Please support the work on Ao3! Link here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9237890/chapters/20950319 Kudos and likes are good. Reblogs and comments/bookmarks are better! (Read: please feed my self esteem it’s like a baby bird)

Chapter seven: Hypothermia.

Victor was too tired to really think. Yuuri was out, but he was safe. He would come back. Still, it was too cold to sleep. He curled up under Yuuri’s wool and fur coat. Didn’t Yuuri need it? No, he had taken Victor’s. “Victor.” Said a deep, familiar voice. “Yakov, go away, I’m tired.” He said, and rolled over. After a second, his eyes popped open. Yakov? He sat up, pulling the coat tighter around his shoulders. “I’m not going back.” “And why not? You’re soaking wet, you barely have a fire, and your knight in shining armor isn’t even here. You could come back and we could forget any of this ever happened. The hearth is still burning, you have dry clothes, your bed-” “I don’t want to go back.” Victor said indignantly. “I like Yuuri, and I think he likes me.” “Oh.” Yakov scoffed. “So now Vitya knows best. Vitya’s so mature now. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t care. All he wants is this-” Yakov thrust a leather satchel into the light of the simmering coals. “He doesn’t want you-” “No!” Victor shouted. “He likes me for me, I’m sure of it.” “Oh, okay. Then give it to him. Watch him run and leave you for dead. He wants money, not romance-” “You’re wrong!” Victor snarled. “I’ll give it to him, just watch. He won’t leave me. And I am never. going. back. to you.” “Here, then, Vitya.” Yakov said and tossed the crown to him. “Don’t come crying back to me when he abandons you.” “Don’t forget it. You’ll regret it. Yakov knows best.” And then the man was gone into the night, the only trace of his presence the golden crown which Victor held delicately in his hands. For a second, he twisted it, watching the jewels catch the low light. Then Yuuri walked in, his blueblack hair covered in half-melted snow. He poked the coals until they flared up a bit, and he added the wood. It steamed, because there would be no way of finding dry firewood in this weather. “What’s that in your hand, Victor?” Yuuri asked. “It looks gold.” “Nothing.” Victor tucked the crown behind him. “Probably just a trick of the light.” “Oh, ok.” He added more wood to the fire. “There were footprints outside the cave. Did you go out for some reason?” “Yeah. I uh, had to use the bathroom. Did you find that horse somewhere while you were out?” “What hor- ohhhh, shit.” Yuuri said. Behind him was the guardhorse in all of its glory, looking disdainfully at the setup they were calling camp. “That thing hates me. We need to get it out of here.” “Oh, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.” Victor said, standing. “Come here boy, what’s your name?” Victor read the horse’s bridle. “Oh don’t, that’ll just humanize it.” “Hey, guess what, his name’s Yuri.” “Oooh no. His name can’t be that.” “We’ll give him a nickname. How does Yurio sound?” The horse snorted unhappily. “He hates it. That’s the one, it’s gonna stick.” Yuuri said vehemently. “What’s your beef with the horse?” Victor ruffled its mane. “He’s sweet.” Yurio snapped at Victor’s hand. “See?” Yuuri asked. “He just wants to get me arrested.” “Oooh, Yurio, please don’t. Just give me a day, and then he’s all yours.” “Excuse me?” Yuuri asked. “He’s not going to-” However, Yurio lay down next to Victor. “The fire’s back up again. I’m cold so I’m going to try and sleep and forget it.” “Do you want your coat back?” Victor asked. “No, it’s fine, yours is still wet.” “Oh, okay.” Victor said. He walked over to Yuuri and sat down gently. “Sleep well.”

“Ka- I mean Yuuri?” Victor asked. It was still taking him time to switch the names around in his head. “Yuuri, wake up.” It had been an hour, maybe two. “Yuuri, your lips are blue, is that bad?” He was cold, and his fingers were bright red under Victor’s white ones. “Yuuri, why did you give me your coat, you need it.” His breathing was light and shallow. “Yuuri!” He slapped him. “Yuuri what’s wrong… Yuuri.” He put his arms over Yuuri’s shoulders. “Come on.” “F-flower gleam and glow, Let your powers shine, Make the clock reverse, Bring back what once was mine. What once was mine.” His head hurt incredibly. He’d never sung more than twice in one day, and even that was pushing it. But Yuuri’s lashes slowly fluttered open. “Am I dreaming? Were you singing just now?” “Yuuri!” Victor exclaimed, squeezing him. “I’m so glad!” “Why?” “If you ever pull self sacrificing shit like that again, I’m leaving you.” “Who said we were together? And where did you learn that word?” “What word?” “Shit.” “Hm? What happened?” “You’re impossible.” Yuuri said, but Victor felt his hands tighten around his waist. “Thanks for saving me though.” Yurio huffed in the corner, the sentiment probably being would you lovebirds knock it off? Victor draped the coat over the both of them, and Yuuri leaned his head on his shoulder. They watched the fire calmly. “That was scary though.” Victor said, and slipped his hand into Yuuri’s. The motion was thoughtless, he had done it so much. “Don’t do that again.” He felt Yuuri’s cheek move in his shoulder as he smiled. “I’m not planning on it.”

@ostranenien, @yaoi-on-skates, @tea-and-a-gay-detective All asked to be tagged. If you wish to be tagged, message me, drop me an ask or write it in the comments! Anything works!

And the angst isn’t over yet, guys, beware.