#honestly i feel like we have had similar experiences in and around eastern europe

[chicago-geniza]

for real though that Zosia quote--"Całowałam się z utrzymanką właściciela pralni, gdzie szklanką piłam najprostszą wódkę"--is going to be rattling around in my skull on my deathbed alongside the quote from that Russian reality TV star who answered a yellow press interviewer’s question about future plans with "переспать с женщиной, отбелить анус"

I read it in 2014 or 2015 and I still remember it almost daily. If you do not read Russian that is “sleep with a woman, bleach my ass” lmao

And we have Zosia like “I made out with the sugar baby of the guy who runs the laundromat* where I drank gutrot samogon house vodka straight from a glass”

*I didn’t have access to the whole letter or the whole story, in context she could also mean like a money laundering front and by the tone it sounds like that’s what it is, either she’s being derogatory about a shitty bar or she’s saying fuckery is afoot if the business is making bank enough to utrzymac a woman and he’s serving bottom-shelf bathtub booze in a basic ol’ glass 

[leaflovescloud]

Late night thoughts

Hi there, my safe space. 

I’m actually a little tired right now, after a long day at work, not sure if I was being 100% productive, but I guess it’s not too bad. I guess nature cereal really helps. 

I just want to spend some time with myself, in this safe space. I guess being able to rely on this safe space kind of gave me some form of relieves as well. Like it is the only space where I can air out my thoughts without being judged, without any defensive reply, without having to be hurt / vulnerable. 

Other than relationship, I think I’m also seriously worrying about my future. I guess I really just don’t know if law is for me. I do enjoy doing it, sometimes I guess. But I really don’t see myself doing it every single day for the next few years, I know I will be worn out for sure. The amount of dedication and attention that I have to commit, it’s tiring. And I’m not sure if I would like try out in house either. 

Que sera sera. 

I will just listen to the universe, follow where it leads me. Sounds very submissive huh? Because I really don’t know what I should do. 

Maybe I should start by exploring my interest, then I realized I have none LOL. I’m just a really boring person, I guess. 

And one thing I find it a little unhealthy is that - I pretty much find my value through working harder and performing well. Not sure if I should put such heavy reliance on it but that’s what it is at this point. 

So say if one day I’m not working anymore, it is very likely that I may think that I’m unworthy and of no value, which I really don’t think I should have this kind of mindset. 

With that being said, I really hope I can find my worth, not only through work, but also from the within, I want to be able to love myself, like every single part of myself. Also, I wish I could be more confident in time to come, which I find myself slowly improving. I started to voice it out more, share my thought even though there is a chance that I’m wrong. But it doesn’t matter even if I am, it actually makes me learn better as well. 

Speaking about work, I’m really worried about cash flow as well. At least I really don’t want to be in a situation where I chew more than I can bite. I know with the upcoming liabilities / burden in my new studio and car, it’s gonna cost me a chunk of cash. For this, I really wish I can be more mindful in my spending and money would find its way to me. I guess I need to do some planning, but I have no one to go to. 

And yeah, sometimes I wish I’m born in a wealthy household, with a silver spoon and clothe with privilege. But I guess I’m not complaining as well, the fact that I’m not. I’m forever grateful for what I have, I know it must be very hard for my parents to raise both of my sister and I. They literally started from zero and no matter how hard the situation is, they tried their best to support us. At least for my time, I think I was a bit fortunate as my parents had one less burden of their shoulder, when my sister graduated university. 

I had the opportunity to travel overseas with them. We have been to Taiwan, Shanghai and Eastern Europe. All these, are not something that had ever appeared in my mind before because I simply knew we are not going to afford it. More so, my mum being so tight on her own finances, actually paid for my trip to New Zealand, just to make sure that I will be happy. 

Sure, in many aspects, they are not the best parents ever. But I simply do not blame them. They didn’t have the opportunity to experience different cultures where their mindset are pretty much still in the 80s. And that’s okay. Deep inside, I just know they love me very much even though it may not be that form of love that I’m seeking for. But I just understand, I just understand. 

All I’m asking for is for both of them to be healthy and happy. To be at least contented with their life, to be able to live together peacefully. It has been a long way. 

For me myself, I see myself growing up as well. I’m already 26 years old this year. Time indeed flies. I have learned a lot, in terms of work, life and relationship. 

For work, I don’t know, I feel like at this point, I’m just fortunate because I don’t have to work for certain people. The challenges will come when I am to work for those people again. I really don’t like when I’m being bullied by them. Because this toxicity at work place simply should not exist and should not be condoned. But things got a little bit out of control because nobody is doing something. Anyways, the way they handle things or even treat their colleagues / staff just say so much about them. And I vowed not to follow their footsteps and I aspired to make a change about it. Perhaps my vision may not overcome it all, certainly, some people will take advantage, but at the very least, I wish to create a comfortable working environment to all, where everyone is treated with respect. We are now in 21st century, superiority should not be an excuse to torture your co-worker. We should have similar goals, which is to act in the best interest of our company and to get things done. I’m really manifesting this with the hope to make a change. And I hope the universe will lead me to where I belong. 

For life / relationship. Sure, I’m undergoing some difficulties right now. Not sure if the situation is worsen because of the MCO, but yeah, things have been difficult. But I guess at the same time I am also just trying to work on myself, and be more understanding. At this point, I’m just holding on, but again, I don’t see myself with this person in the future. There is just this thing where I just don’t, feel it and see it. The level of comfort is not there anymore. Every time I am just thinking “Am I doing this right?” “Am I saying the right thing?”. Essentially, I’m just not myself anymore. 

Whatever I do, for example like being a little ‘manja’ just made me feel unnecessary, because I’m not sure what is the receiving end thinking. This is really bad LOL. I guess that’s why, I just don’t do anything anymore, because it’s not that what I do is what he needs anyway. My way of expressing love is simply not what he needs. 

And if i were to put myself in his position, I would be struggling as well. Because not able to get your desire fulfilled and basically not able to be contented emotionally. I didn’t realize how these factors play a huge role in a relationship, but now I do and I accept it. 

And I said many times, I used to think love overcomes it all, but it simply doesn’t. There are just too many factors that play a huge role as well and it’s not for me to overlook it. I was too simplistic, certainly. I would like to work on myself , but unfortunately, not with Chris. He deserves better. I don’t think at my level I will be able to fulfill what he wants. 

The day is getting closer. Slowly, it will be the end of July and it will be time for me to bid goodbye to all these. 

I guess quite apart from what I have with Chris, it’s a bit difficult to just leave his parents and brother. They have been quite a part of our relationship where they genuinely treat me like their own daughter. More importantly, they were there for me during my lowest time. It’s just difficult, because I will forever owe them. And I am really unsure of how I’m going to repay them. 

Dear Universe, I leave it to you. If you do think we are a good fit for each other, I believe you will do your magic and lead us to the right path.  

Let’s talk about my mental health. 

Quite apart from relationship issues, I think I have been healing quite effectively. Honestly, I didn’t think I will be able to leave all those memories behind so quickly. I guess in a way, going back to the office did speed up the process. Even though I went back to the office for different reasons which I shall not dwell on that. Right now, I’m able to think of the incident with a rather calm and accepting mind, and focusing on the positive side of things, i.e. I am still alive, I am healthy, I am able to move around and walk again etc. I guess in this sense, I’m truly grateful because I simply can’t imagine if things go otherwise. For this, I would like to believe that the universe is trying to convey a message to me. Of course, what the message is, it depends on what I have deciphered. May be it’s one of those things: 

(i) Life is short, very short. Live your live and don’t ever do things that you will regret one day. 

(ii) Live everyday as if it is your last. Cliche as it sounds, but for far too many times, I just thought, ‘What if it took my life that night?’ 

(iii) Be cheerful and live life with a purpose. 

(iv) Be strong and protect yourself. 

(v) To express your love, not in the way best suited myself, but also to understand from the other side, what do they need. 

(vi) What I think it’s okay may not be okay for the other person. 

Oh ya, I thought of another issue - me being emotional unavailable. I’m not sure its actual definition in real life but I guess I fit most of the criteria, i.e. being evasive and have the tendency to run away from problems. 

I guess my old defence mechanism works when I’m single, but surely it doesn’t work when I have another person to account to as well. I used to just shut down, and it helps and it works because in any event, it won’t cast any effect on third parties. 

And perhaps, I should not have the unrealistic expectations that someone, especially my boyfriend should always be responsible of my own emotion. That would lead to co-dependent relationship, which is unhealthy. 

Probably there are still a few more, but for the purposes of tonight, that should be it. And I feel so much better, like, I feel nice doing it especially before sleeping. It’s like a mind decluttering exercise. And I feel peaceful. A little bit contented. 

Lastly, I pray that this covid situation will be better soon, please. 

WC 

[slickricklj]

Piers was ordered/forced to bring Chris back?

So I keep seeing folks trying to displace some/any of the blame on Chris being dragged back into the field in RE6 the way he was, off of Piers, as if he was merely following orders, but the files in RE6 suggest that is not the case. 

Nowhere does it say the higher ups demanded his return. In fact, in both the original text and the English localization, Piers is only told Chris could be of help depending on his “situation,” and to bring him to China if reasonably possible. 

Chris Redfield File excerpt

Bio6

A B.O.W. similar to the "J'avo" has been confirmed in the bioterrorism in China. The strength of the North American Alpha unit is indispensable with its combat experience against the J'avo.

I heard the report on your discovery of Chris Redfield. Depending on his situation, he'll no doubt become a major force in the recovery team. Please head to China with Chris Redfield as soon as possible."

“Depending on his situation...”

“Please....”

RE6:

We've got reports of J'avo-like B.O.W.s which your team has had experience with before.

We also heard that you've run into Chris Redfield, so if you can, take him with you to Lanshiang. He could be a big help.

“...if you can...”

So while they were banking on the NA Alpha team’s experience with J’avo, they didn’t require Chris simply come along. There’s also nothing about the methods Piers employed to bring Chris back the way he did.

Piers Nivans file

Bio6

As it is, I think if we allow him to gain experience, he could be made into the formal Captain of Alpha in the future, but Piers seems to think it's just a recovery team for Chris. Though we allowed him to search for Chris with agents, he finds time on his own to fly around Eastern Europe looking for Chris. For Piers, there can't be a BSAA without him. He'll find Chris as soon as possible"

RE6:

It's been about a month since Piers took over command of Alpha team and he's doing an excellent job. He's not as strong a leader as Chris was, but he's definitely up to standards. I wouldn't mind making him Alpha team's permanent captain, but I think he would rather see Chris return for the job. He really looks up to him. Probably feels like the BSAA isn't the same without him.

Let's hope our agents in eastern Europe find something on him.

^Piers was allowed to look for Chris with others, but also CHOSE to look on his own. We also know each branch offered to assist him in finding Chris (Sheva contacted HIM to offer her branch’s assistance for example). He wasn’t seen as being as good as Chris, but a senior officer felt that he had potential to take over the Captain role for good. They observe Piers likely doesn’t want to lead, and assume he is more concerned about Chris taking his position back. This would prove to be true in the main game, when Chris tells Piers he is going to retire after helping Jake and Sherry, and wants him to take his place as Captain. Same could be said for the moments after Chris decided to bring up Wesker to Jake, and didn’t care if Jake killed him, so long as Jake promised to live.

There honestly will never be a valid excuse, as to how Piers approached him in the bar—given Piers was made aware of exactly what Chris had been up to, how he behaved, and the fact he didn't remember anything. The way he approached Chris did NOT show a person who gave a crap about Chris as a individual—beyond the fact he wasn’t acting like himself. He was totally aware of the fact that Chris had endured many tragic events, and harsh battles, since age 25. Instead it shows someone with an unhealthy view of Chris, and his duty. Placing Chris on a pedestal, and having high expectations of him, and expecting him to live up to them.

Piers mentions bio-terrorism, and Chris has an image of Finn flash, that caused a painful trigger for him

Piers’ reaction?

“You can’t hide from your past Chris. No matter where you go, or what you do.”

Chris feels uncomfortable, and asks who he is, and what is this all about. Piers’ reaction?

Like, “Oh, you don’t remember ME? Oh I got something for you.”

Chris started to look down and around, and Piers was getting pissed he wouldn't look.

Piers tells Chris who the men were, and how they died under his command. How he owes it to them to remember.

Piers gets all pissed because, he devoted all that time to find Chris, and he found his legendary hero like this. Nevermind how Chris has BEEN feeling, or what he must've been going through ALONE all this time. Like did it ever cross Piers’ mind to WONDER or even ASK himself why Chris fled that hospital? And what kills me is this trash ass story tried to VALIDATE Piers, by having Chris say later on (even AFTER LEON got through to him with REASON *props to Claire for making that a possibility*) he WAS running from his past...that he couldn't actually remember. He didn't even know who HE was. 

I’ve seen so many individuals dismiss the mental health of Chris, to continue and try to validate this shitty treatment of someone who’s been traumatized MOST of his damn life, especially over death (you know that came to a head in RE5 when Jill sacrificed herself?). Some people glossing over it so much, they have said they don’t like Chris, and/or he SHOULD have been the one to die instead of Piers, especially when they get in their feels about Piers’ death. Hell I’ve seen some even say Chris was actual trash, judging him SOLELY on when he was piss drunk, and without knowledge of who he was, but still shipped him with Piers, just cause. Though it’s nothing new or unique there.

All this talk about how the world’s about to end, so who cares about Chris’ mental health when the stakes are high. Like wtf even? The stakes are always high! So it’s better to enlist someone who’s unstable, and traumatized by what happened to and around them, and then TRUST them to lead others? We see how well that turned out didn't we? Things hadn't even fully escalated globally yet, and what really killed me, was you still saw Piers being more happy to simply have Chris back on the field. He was even talking about how he just assumed Chris would be rusty, and when Chris did magically get ALL of his memory back (from one triggering image on the field), suddenly you see Piers excited because Chris is remembering what happened. Like, “OMG Chris is back!!” His IDOL is back! 

That excitement didn't last long, as Chris cut him off, only to ask about ‘Ada’s’ whereabouts, and suddenly Chris decides he’s taking charge, and it’s very obvious Chris isn't giving two shits about what’s going on. Piers even seems to sense something is off about him, but just goes along with that Sir/Captain stuff, because “He’s back!” and Chris is this big/intimidating guy. Piers and the others would see Chris acting irrationally, and because Chris is “fearsome” to even Piers, continued to let Chris pull rank and have the others fall in line with him, even when he brought up things of concern (like how Neo-Umbrella was pursuing Jake and Sherry...Jake whom both knew was a person of interest to the US Gov’t, and Sherry, who Chris knew “all about” from Claire...his sister). Shame you don’t see Piers having considered beforehand that if Chris got his memory back, he’d probably feel some type of way about what Carla did and said to him. That it would be something personal, since you know it’s HIS responsibility that they make it out alive. 

My issue isn’t that Piers felt like Chris belonged in the BSAA, was a hero, and was ‘needed,’ but his unhealthy hero worship, how despite being in Chris’s position as a captain for several months, knowing CHRIS felt his responsibility was to see EVERYONE make it out alive, how he witnessed Chris being physically stunned, and in denial about his team being a lost cause, knowing bits and pieces of Chris’s story, etc, etc...it felt like he was more concerned about his idol being back, than the well-being of Chris. If Chris was that necessary to see something get done (nevermind other capable agents out there, some whom Capcom’s own text has claimed were just as good as Chris and Jill), then it doesn’t make the BSAA sound good at all. 

All of the constant guilt-tripping clearly wasn't effective, only pissed Chris off more, and didn't resolve anything. Why fan the flames, when you know Chris is a hothead? When you can see he’s operating out of blind vengeance and not caring about their goals? It is literally no wonder that Leon is the one who got Chris to begin to see the bigger picture. Leon brought up facts and reasoned with him, and shut Chris down on all of his issues and intentions with Carla. He got Chris to understand. Chris trusted Leon, but yet the files claimed in the short few years Piers knew Chris, they had a bond built on trust too. Hmm....

Piers knew why Chris became a captain, and eventually Chris opened up a smidge toward the end of the game, telling him it’d been 3 years since he killed Wesker (it was 4 actually :P), and he couldn't let this war follow him forever. Chris actually said (in a file) he at one point felt his duty was finished when he killed Wesker, so he was making a huge sacrifice by becoming a captain, and continuing to brave the front-lines with others (with less experience), despite knowing the risks of having others with him. The risk of others dying around him is literally part of why he began to doubt his efforts were worth anything in RE5, because losing Jill shook him to the core, after seeing so many others die, and even make sacrifices for him. He had survivor’s guilt on top of other mental issues!! Jill even wrote about his struggles in her diary in RE3. 

Piers went back into that doubt about not feeling ready to take on the responsibilities Chris has for years. Talking about how he doesn't think he’s ready for all of that...yet STILL he somehow expected Chris to be? Still he would treat Chris like that, when he was broken and lost? Like forget about him being “legendary,” look at him as a human with feelings, who is and HAS been suffering! Ugh...

It’s hard for me to feel any sympathy for his predictable (imo) death, when he showed no real regard to Chris, and how heavy everything weighed on him. How NOT READY he was to be back on the field and leading people. Like forget about his training “kicking right in,” look at how screwed up and shaken he is. It was a huge gamble, putting him back out there like that. Even Chris’ vengeful rage was fueled by his guilt over his men dying—the very thing Piers had shoved in his face. He would even see Carla taunt Chris over his failure to keep his teams alive, just as she taunted him before she made the Edonia team mutate. She wanted him to remember her for it too.

It honestly would’ve made me feel something for Piers, had he started to express his regret for even bringing Chris back on the field so soon, or expecting him to just be capable of just “dealing” with everything, or assuming he’d come around and fully take over his position. If he tried to lower his expectations, and calmly faced him about what he was saying and doing. If he had taken SOME of the blame for anything, even. Before Chris even remembered everything, Chris told him he was still trying to wrap his head around what he was seeing. I hate how the game never once finds any fault in Piers failing to keep an eye on Carla, which is partly why she was able to slip away unnoticed. 

Chris may have told Finn to protect her, but he then entrusted Piers to keep an eye on her.  Even if Piers felt it was his duty to carry on for those men, he should’ve given consideration to how he witnessed Chris breaking down seeing Finn and the others dying, and even his denial over their mutations, which is WHY he got injured. Chris just stood there, even when about to be attacked. He couldn't bring himself to fire at what was once Finn.

Like it’s just so f’ed up how they handled things. 

Chris vents about losing another comrade because of Carla, and Piers tried to reason with him, but the moment Chris tried to shut him up, he tried to use the guilt shit.

 “I feel sorry for all the men who died believing in you.” 

Chris was shoving him and telling him to shut up and everything, which wasn’t right, but seriously, Piers would think such comments were gonna be of any good use?

“What happened to the Legendary Chris Redfield huh? What happened to you?”

Not even giving Chris a chance to respond to that, Piers followed those questions with: 

“It’s a good thing Finn’s not around to see you this way.”

Try a different approach much?

In the bar scene, I couldn't even blame Chris for feeling threatened (despite being drunk as hell). Piers acted nothing like someone who was a friend/ally of his. He did later say things to Chris that were true, about his actions being wreckless, and possibly costing people their lives, but again, Chris is not the one who said he was ready to be back on the field and be put in charge. He was coerced into doing so. Yes, even despite the black screen where Chris says he can’t keep running away, and has to face the truth/accept his responsibility in order to remember, and to get his life back. Piers literally tried to guilt Chris into going back into the BSAA, and right back to work, then letting him know he has no choice either way really. 

I’ve seen people talk about Piers’ approach being typical of military standards, meanwhile, in CANON, Piers admired that Chris was NOT like what he was used to in the military.

Piers’ Career file - Bio6:

Furthermore, Chris called his own subordinates "family" and believed the younger generation would carry the BSAA's future, and respected the wills and lives of his subordinates more than anything when he was in command. Piers was deeply impressed with his attitude, which he'd never seen in the military unit he once belonged to, and he was sure that Chris was someone he should aim to be, and beyond that, he'd found a purpose to fight for.

It even says Piers wanted to be like Chris, and yet....So yeah, not here for the tired excuses.

Jill went through hell for Chris in RE5, even after she got control of her body. Even with an immediate threat from Wesker looming, she set herself aside, and told Chris why he needed to focus on taking out Wesker. Chris wasn’t understanding at first, because he literally only cared about having Jill back—in that moment. All that time Chris didn’t even think Wesker was alive. She shook sense into him, and even made him realize he had someone capable of helping him see things through (even Chris expressed it earlier). Jill even shut him down when asking about her condition again, to get him to focus on what she had to say to weaken Wesker—without being an ass (Jill honestly would’ve been a fine leader IMO). She always seemed to have to tell him she would be alright or was fine, and really needed him to see past her, or themselves. She needed him to believe that he could see things through, with or without her (as she continued to have faith in him, and there was no one else who could stop Wesker in time). The crazy thing (IMO), is that despite Jill being alive, Chris would likely feel guilt over whatever she had, or would experience, because of her sacrifice for him.

He got that far without Jill there to make him feel confident in overcoming the odds all the time (even if her survival was part of his motivation), and with someone not trained by Chris (Sheva and Josh don’t get enough credit tbh). Heck, even when Sheva questioned Chris on his personal mission to find Jill, and he got upset, she spoke up, and reasoned with him. She asked him about what happened to gain perspective and understanding. I respect Sheva for that, and like that she gave Chris that balance he needed, that Jill also provided, as the more level-headed/rational partner, who’s more calm and collected. I like that Sheva even realized one person can only do so much, even for someone seen as a superhero, such as himself. 

While Chris may not have been such a mess in RE5 as RE6, my point here is that Chris was capable of listening to sound reason, especially if he didn’t feel attacked (which made him feel worse about himself and his failures). His interaction with Leon proved this. Can’t imagine how bad things would’ve been had Claire not’ve made them get to know each other years prior, and Carla had’ve been killed earlier. Granted Chris and Leon had guns pointed at each other, and had an altercation, Leon resolved the matter using his words, and being firm. He even made sure Chris understood he wasn't his enemy, and that they were fighting for the same things. He let him know he trusted him to do the right thing. Chris also couldn’t pull rank on him (to try and shut him up), but you saw the actual respect Chris had for Leon ran deep.

IIRC, Merah asked Piers to look out for Chris before she died, because he was needed for the future, and told Chris to rid the world of bio-terrorism, but even if one considers that loss, and its possible impact on Piers in RE6, it still doesn’t excuse his behavior. Merah sacrificed herself for Piers, and you would think such a loss of someone he grew close to, he would maybe have thought of another way to approach Chris, when he didn’t listen, as he would know it’s hard to see someone close to you die, and you living beyond them. 

Why not remind Chris that Sherry was someone very important to his sister? That even if he didn’t give a damn about the situation, he SHOULD give a damn about what his sister would think, if she found out he left Sherry to fend for herself (mind you Sherry was ALSO missing 6 months, and Sherry’s LAST letter to Claire was right before she went to Edonia), and didn’t care what happened to her (after the assist the BSAA gave of course). How that would make him feel about himself in the long run if she had been killed (thankfully Leon sent him to go help her and Jake).  Piers could’ve framed it in a way to not scold him, but to get him to understand there was more at stake than just his vendetta or his guilt. Anything beyond only bringing up the men he failed to keep alive. No need to let his own frustrations get the best of him either (as hard as it may have been for him to deal with Chris). 

Piers having no other option but to inject himself to help Chris with Haos, takes the time to tell Chris he did it for the BSAA, for the future. In this case the future is about the BSAA—as Chris, personally, felt training the younger generations of soldiers to carry the future of the BSAA, to be prepared to face threats like Wesker, was his responsibility. Piers started to say his sacrifice was worth it, so long as Chris carried on, and did not retire after the mission—seeing is how he was a good as dead anyway. This being more of that guilt-tripping. Chris cut him off, to tell him he wasn’t gonna lose him too. At the end, Piers had no other option, but to release Chris in an escape pod alone. He gave Chris his bloodied BSAA patch, as a reminder of his sacrifice, to guilt him into staying in the BSAA. Even after Chris had basically told him this long war he’s had has been killing him emotionally, and it was becoming too much for him. Piers believed in Chris, sure, but damn, the lack of fucks given for Chris’ mental health...I can’t.

Piers had his sacrificial moment, and even then he sees Chris doesn't want to accept another loss. He’s seeing Chris is mentally suffering from it...and yet he just stood there in his resolve. Not once did Piers try tell Chris to take time to grieve, or try to come to terms with everything (you know given another team died under his command—now along with his personally chosen successor), by talking to someone about his problems, or finding healthy alternatives to make peace with himself, and the hardships he would have to face in his role, rather than resorting to running away, or trying to numb his pain somehow. He didn’t tell him he can’t always expect to return with everyone, and it’s not always his fault if they die. That there is worth in him, and what he wanted to accomplish as a captain. Instead it came off like it was all about his hero going back to his BSAA “family,” and leading the younger folks—honoring those who’ve died under his command, because if he didn’t, then everything was for nothing.

Ugh...so much more I could say, but yeah, given how pathetic the writing/story was in RE6, I just never could find myself caring for some things, but I really couldn’t bring myself to care for Piers. He wasn’t completely bad, but it’s just hard to look past his faults, no thanks to how horribly written his character and the story were. The forced parallels they tried to give him with Chris didn't help either. No amount of prequel stories (canon or not) will change how he was in RE6. Such a waste anyway. Chris isn’t even leading the BSAA’s younger generation now, so what was the point? 

[ultradoux]

2020 Reading List

Because in the end it was a great year for reading! Just a list of the books I read this year, with comments that (maybe) get progessively more boozy as I go on

1. The Historian - Elizabeth Kostova: A really irritating read to start out this year (feels prescient?). Only worth it for the travel log features of places like Istanbul, Amsterdam, and most of Eastern Europe. Even Dracula was completely boring and useless. 

2. Howard’s End - E.M. Forster: Love, love, I will forever whore myself out for bright women acting mildly rebellious in Edwardian England, love

3. Les liaisons dangereuses - Choderlos de Laclos : Pas un seul personnage aimable, c’est magnifique, 10/10

4. The Brothers Karamazov - Feodor Dostoevsky: Did I read this as a flex in early confinement mode? Absolutely. Did I enjoy it? Christ no. If I have to read one more Christ allegory I’m climbing up on that cross myself. 4/5.

5. Chéri - Colette : C’était mignon et trop sucré, comme de la pâte aux amandes. Moins de 100 pages, du coup à avaler dans une gorgée. 

6. Pride and Prejudice (for maybe the 8th time?) - Jane Austen: Substitute “Regency” for “Edwardian” in the comment for Howard’s End and I’ll literally start vibrating. I want to be buried with this book, preferably with 90s Colin Firth, too

7. The Sorrows of Young Werther - Goethe: I go through more sorrows in seven hours of existing than Werther did in his whole life. Pass. 

8. The Epic of Gilgamesh: Ok, fine, I skimmed. You ever try reading a religious text out of respect and interest, not being very religious yourself, only half the text is missing and it’s been written so long ago that most of it is gibberish until you stumble upon a few lines that reach across millennia and sucker punch you? Similar experience. Hard to find a good translation. 

9. Mémoires d’Hadrien - Marguerite Yourcenar : Il m’a fallu une putain de pandémie, mais j’ai en fin (en fin!!!!!!!) fini ce bouquin et qu’est-ce que c’est beau. Yourcenar était un génie, ce livre est son chef-d’oeuvre, je suis tellement content que je n’ai plus à le lire. 100/10.

10. Dune - Frank Herbert: Ok, don’t come at me because it will only frustrate all of us (much like this book did me), but SNOOZE. A+ world building, but God, at what cost?  Timothée Chalamet could respectfully get it, though.

11. Going After Cacciato - Tim O’Brien: This was good? Like in the territory between okay and good? Just like a fine little book, albeit stuck in the middle of the Vietnam War. 

12. The Good Earth - Pearl S. Buck: Is a white American woman from the 30s necessarily the best person to write about rural China? Probably not, even if she was raised in rural China. Honestly, though? Still pretty good. 

13. Tender is the Night - F. Scott Fitzgerald: Do you ever get so desperately bored of pretty, rich 1920s people having pretty, rich 1920s people problems, like being tragically unfaithful or having too much money and not enough problems? No? You might by the end of this book -- but it’ll sound pretty while you’re reading. More engaging than Gatsby, in any case. 

14. Jamaica Inn - Daphne du Maurier: Reading a du Maurier novel is always trippy because the tone is like “I’m a plucky heroine and I’ll give them a piece of my mind!” and then the stakes are literally “I’ll bash your head in and strangle you on the moors and you can’t stop me.” Reading this book is like swigging moonshine in a soft, lace- and chintz-covered tea room. Gotta love it. 

15. L’éducation sentimentale - Gustave Flaubert : C’est bizarre, car mon beau-frère s’appèle Arnoux aussi, mais c’est une belle histoire qui perd un peu de son élan vers la moitié du roman. Je préfère Madame Bovary quand-même.

16. Wishful Thinking - Carrie Fisher: Who doesn’t love Carrie Fisher?

17. Shogun - James Clavell: Is a white Australian man from the 80s necessarily the best person to write about feudal Japan? Probably not (he was not raised in feudal Japan). But it’s well researched and very good. This unfortunate theme in authors did not continue this year, luckily. 

18. Chanson douce - Leïla Slimani : J’adore, j’adore, j’adore. Louise m’a donné des frissons tellement elle faisait peur. Impossible de ne pas se mettre à la place de Miriam; à lire, 100%.

19. A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian - Marina Lewycka: A cute, light read that I stumbled upon in a bookshop (support local businesses, kids! Jeff Bezos will harvest your dreams like one of those shitty vampires from Charmed where they couldn’t afford good special effects!) Some of the writing felt a little more caricatural than anything else, but I liked the main character. Sometimes things can just be fun. 

20. L’ombre du vent - Carlos Ruiz Zafón : !!!!!!!!! Le livre de l’année, l’étoile de l’été, un gout de miel qui a laissé des traces sur mon âme. Que d’amour pour ce livre (et ce n’est pas que le champagne qui parle!)

21. L’étincelle - Tahar Ben Jelloun : Etant l’époux d’un Tunisien, je suis plutôt obligé de tout connaître sur le printemps arabe, et j’ai bien aimé ce livre. Par contre, d’après ce fameux époux tunisien (bisous baby!) ce n’est pas forcément la meilleure ressource pour en parler. 

22. Barbe bleue - Amélie Nothomb : J’aime bien Amélie Nothomb, mais c’est clairement pas son meilleur. Ça donne envie de boire du champagne, par contre. 

23. Les contes de Perrault - Charles Perrault : Ecoutez, je me faisais chier en août, et c’est quand-même pas mal. Merci à Barbe-bleue d’avoir inspiré tous les cauchemars de mon enfance.

24. La princesse Palatine - Christian Bouyer : BOF. Elle aurait été plus intéressante si elle avait eu des vrais problèmes. Profite bien de tes châteaux, betch. 

25. Things Fall Apart - Chinua Achebe: For some reason I started this one years ago and didn’t get past the first few pages, but it was totally compelling this time around? It truly is a wonderful (and tragic) story, completely worth a read. 

26. Rules of Civility - Amos Towles: Katy is the type of person I wish I was, I would look so good in 30s clothes, I just wish I hated NYC a little less (it’s not your fault, NYC [I mean it is but I at least feel bad about it])

27. A Room of One’s Own - Viriginia Woolf: Quintessential! Still a transcript of a lecture though. Prosecco is amazing! 

28. Le horla - Guy de Maupassant : Soyons honnêtes c’est plutôt une nouvelle. 

29. Alcools - Guillaume Apollinaire : J’aime pas la poésie, même quand elle est belle. Meh.

30. Consider the Lobster - David Foster Wallace: I’m so tired of this man being the standard for everything. I mean I know I ended up reading this but what the hell. He was just bored. He read a few edgy novels and he was bored. Come on. That being said, this was an enjoyable read. 

31. Doctor Zhivago - Boris Pasternak: Ok, to be fair this was a PAIN in the beginning, but by the end I had tears?? In my eyes. That very rarely happens. Love it. 

32. Censoring an Iranian Love Story - Shahriar Mandanipour: It would have been better if he was so convinced of what a great writer he was?? What was the point of the weird dead little goblin?? Must we read from countless men every day of our lives?? Must we????

33. Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrel - Susanna Clarke: So my Fenian grandmother loved this book, which is why I feel I have no right to go too hard on it, but at the same time if English exceptionalism had a literary form it would be this book (but like that insidious kind of English exceptionalism where it’s all tongue-in-cheek, so if you call them out on it they just mock you for being a rube. I see you, English exceptionalists. You’re only special because you’re on an island)

34. Go Tell It on the Mountain - James Baldwin: Christ I loved this book. Anyone who reads or writes hopes one day to be as lucid as James Baldwin. 

35. The Maltese Falcon - Dashiell Hammett: I was left largely unmoved. 

36. Alexis - Marguerite Yourcenar : Pendant six mois j’ai cherché ce bouquin, et une fois trouvé il m’a déçu. Alexis est gay, voilà le grand choc. 

37. Kafka sur le rivage - Haruki Murakami : Je ne suis toujours pas sûr d’avoir bien compris ce livre ; il faudrait peut-être le relire encore une fois. Mais ça vaut le coup d’être relu encore une fois. 

38. Le mec de la tombe d’à côté - Katarina Mazetti :  Super cute comme roman!! Inattendu, mais ça a super bien démontré le conflit de cultures même à l’intérieur d’un pays. 

39. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley: I should have totally read this in high school, but didn’t. I’d waste your time with a bunch of faux-deep statements about how prescient this was, but I’m about a bottle of prosecco deep and no one really wants that, right?

40. Ninth House - Leigh Bardugo: I am basic for reading this and I am so glad I did; very good stuff, I’m all in, I’m sure UChicago had the same type of shit, love it!! 

41. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho: I read light on Christmas break, ok? 

42. Watership Down - Richard Adams: I’m not big on anthropomorphic, animal-based stories, but this really went off? These are some hard-ass rabbits, respect.

43. Sharp Objects -  Gillian Flynn: Intense!! Great!! Sharp!!!!!!!!!!

[theohutchcraft]

- Hello Hurts! Welcome to VKfest 2020.

T: Hello VKfest! It’s nice to be with you! Thanks for inviting us. We are happy to present this special performance for all the audience (literally: to every viewer)

- Dear Hurts band, I am your dedicated fan, and I am obviously interested, why the break between the albums was SO big?

T: Well, usually it takes couple of years for us to create a new album. We record it, then we tour around a year, and it was the same thing last time. We managed to tour all of the Europe, around the world, a lot of cities in Russia: Vladivostok, Khabarovsk, Krasnoyarsk, we travelled through the Siberia. It took up a lot of time, afterwards we (obviously) got tired, you know, we needed a pause, because we made two albums very close together, so it was important to take some rest. As soon as we started to think about a new album, it was clear, we had to jump in with both feet (to be in for all of it). We wanted to be sure it was the best (right) time for every one of us.

- Why did it happen so, that we didn’t hear from you in social media while you were working on the album? What were you hiding, guys?

A: I think it’s important, in this time, in 2020, to stay away from social media, to have time to reflect, not to stare at the screen all the time. It’s very useful if you do a creative job. Looking at the phone hundred times per day is pretty awful for such musicians we are. Yeah, we found out great advantages in distance from screens and the outside world. We always do so together, especially in this time. We healed out (?) of the outside world and it allowed us to focus on what to do with (?) absolutely.

- At the last pics the new band style could be seen. Honestly speaking, your image has changed quite a lot. Is this somehow connected with the theme (subjects) of new album?

T: I think the visual always is formed by the music. You know, when we write the music we create our images, it all comes from the same place. And yes I think surely they are interconnected. Hopefully when everything would be ready, people would be able to see the world we are trying to create for our music. I think it is very interesting.

- Your first albums were very melancholic, and the others sounded more dynamic and more fun. What does the new album sound like? Which of your albums sounds closer to the new one?

A: I think without giving too much away, we are back to the DNA of our band, we are back to writing songs that we wrote ten or even fifteen years ago. And the style of new songs is reflected by our approach to us: to be authentic, to be honest, to make the music we would like personally, and I feel it’s been very successful. And I would say it’s more similar to our first album and second album (in its submission) [Theo nods his head in agreement]. And we’d love to share more music with you (very soon).

- Guys (literally comrades), you release a new album during a pandemic. Many artists have postponed their releases, but not you. Why?

T: We spend a long time on writing this album and we really care about it. As soon as we finished it we wanted to make a release. The situation is difficult and future is uncertain. But we wanted to push Voices out because it is a song about the isolation, it is about a deal with your personal demons, about that we were locked inside our mind. It is something that we all were going through. We felt that it is very important for this song to go out right now, to be in the players of our fans, because waiting is not the best solution.

- In your last tours you were traveling Russia a lot and you have visited many places. It is a rarity for foreign performers (artists). What is your favorite city in Russia?

A: We feel rally honored to be able to travel to so many places, where other British bands have never performed; to some of the places we never heard of and never thought we’d discover. At that time I haven’t even seen St. Petersburg and Moscow, so for us it’s always interesting. I’ve spend a long time individually in Moscow and talking to many people I most often mentioned St. Petersburg.

And now we’ve been to more and more extreme regions of the country. We’ve been treated amazing everywhere. It was great sometimes to go to the most remote corners of the country and the audience reaction was incredible everywhere. That’s happiness. We can’t wait to come back.

- Guys how do you feel on self-isolation? Does the prohibition to leave the house inspire or makes you feel depressed? Does it help you to become more creative?

T: I think when you are a musician or a person working on creations, isolation is a part of your job. So we are actually very well right now. We are working already 15 years in isolation and not leaving a home or going to work. If you consider everything from this point of view, we are used to it much more than other people. But I also think it only benefits creativity because when you are deprived of many irritants your mind is surprised. It is very useful in the right direction. In addition you would not be able to do what you are used to, that’s why the search for solutions and new ways of development is also art.

- There’s always a deep meaning in your videos, anyway I always see it. Would you release a music video for Voices?

[Theo and Adam pass the microphone back and forth to each other]

T: There’ll be more visuals, yeah, for sure. Now it’s a little bit difficult to shoot video at the scale at which we usually do it, but it’s important to try new things, and to try exciting new ways in music and self-presentation. So stay tuned.

- Guys (l. comrades) you have created a Telegram channel. No artist has done it before. That’s not a moost popular messenger in the world. How did you even find out about its existence?

A: Telegram, I first found out when I spend a lot of time in Eastern Europe couple years ago. And it was the prominent way of communication even despite the availability of WhatsApp. And we thought it would be a great way for our fans of different nationalities to communicate. We found it as an extra-cool opportunity to deal with community. And it’s been great to see you, to watch it all in life, so a great platform for us.

- Was Voices recorded at the beginning or at the end of work on the album? That’s the first question, and second is: What inspired you for that song?

T: Song was written somewhere in the middle. By this time we’ve got a lot of songs for the album, so we found out the words (?), the sound, things like that. We were looking through them to find a way to the new track. When we’ve got Voices done, we knew it was a special song. We fell in love with it. It was written in a difficult time for us. Actually it’s what it says about, about isolation, about how hard is this time. It’s also about a power of the mind, about good and bad thoughts it creates and we all experience at the same time. I would like to give a message of hope, message about the mind that could also heal us. It’s an amazing coincidence that this song was written at this period of time and released when so many people are isolated. Who knows, maybe people could find some hope for themselves.

- Thank you!

T: Thank you VKfest!

A: Peace. See you.

[brightestandbest]

I Went to School in the Cult of Michael

I have been needing to start this series of posts for awhile. Every single one of them will be convoluted and hard to write. Please be patient with me, I feel the need to reveal this part of my story and spiritual background. This first post will be long, but still only a crude overview. 

So: I went to school in a cult.

Now, there are cults and there are cults. This wasn’t a terribly abusive one. It was a damn expensive one, and it was also very immersive and consuming. My feelings about it aren’t completely negative. I have some positive memories and I took some good things from the experience. I look back on my education with a complex mixture of fondness, disgust, exasperation, amusement, contempt, and gratitude. 

Perhaps you’ve heard of Waldorf Schools. From the outside-- and even from the inside, much of the time-- they appear quaint and eccentric but basically innocent. The children aren’t allowed to watch TV or use computers. They do a silly looking form of interpretive dance called Eurythmy. When they are younger they play with little felt gnomes and draw with expensive beeswax crayons. When they get older, they participate in ancient Greek sports such as discus and javelin throwing. In sixth grade, everyone learns to ride a unicycle, for some reason. The classrooms are painted in soft, lovely colors, and each features a “nature table,” a sort of seasonal nature altar. Children don’t learn to read until they are in second grade. 

These are just a few of the harmless-seeming eccentricities of Waldorf schools. The media occasionally freaks out a little and runs sensationalist pieces accusing Waldorf, with its nature-altars and spiritualistic flavor, of “paganism.” Which is hilarious. Waldorf is many things, but it’s definitely not pagan. 

Surprisingly media-saavy Waldorf representatives are always at the ready to deftly counter such accusations. But if the writers of those critical pieces did just a teensy weensy little bit of research, they would encounter the real esoteric philosophy underpining all of Waldorf education-- Anthroposophy. 

History time!

Setting: Europe, near the turn of the 20th century. Spiritualism and Theosophy are the big crazes. Holding seances in your parlor is a chic way to have a good time. 

Our “hero” is an Austrian dude called Rudolph Steiner. He’s involved with Theosophy for a little bit, but then decides to spin off and make his own occult religion. He calls it Anthroposophy. (”Theosophy” is “knowledge of God, “Anthroposophy” is “knowledge of man.” I am tempted to be a brat and start calling my shit “Diavolosophy” just for a tacky joke.) 

As far as I can tell, the basis of Steiner’s Anthroposophy is a heretical read of Christianity, ideas from Theosophy, random concepts like karma and reincarnation yanked from Hinduism, a big heaping helping of racism... and his own “clairvoyance.” 

(It’s actually really complex and esoteric. I went to Waldorf from kindergarten through 10th grade, so I have a pretty good foundation in the “surface” ideas of Anthroposophy and its core values, but they don’t tell us much about the actual occult concepts underneath. And I am resisting reading Steiner’s actual books, so much of my information so far comes from checking my experience against the site Waldorf Watch, which is heavy on the Steiner quotes and elaborately cited.)

To Steiner, Christ and the Archangel Michael (fun fact: we all had to pronounce it with three syllables, My-KYE-el) are the same entity, who is a “sun spirit.” Also reincarnation exists, and if you are really good, you end up reincarnating as a white, Aryan person. (There’s that big ol’ heaping of racism I promised! Way to appropriate a concept from Eastern culture and then use it to shit all over anyone who isn’t white.) 

Future reincarnations can be helped somehow by ritually waving your arms around, hence that weirdo dance called Eurythmy. 

DEMONS

Ahriman, a demon that Steiner associates with technology for some reason (actually a God from Zoroastrianism), is supposedly trying to force humans to abandon spirituality and exist on a physical plane. Hence the not watching TV or using computers thing. 

Oh yeah, also? In opposition to Ahriman, and yet somehow also working with him, is another demon. He’s trying to pull humans in the opposite direction-- out of embodiment and into pure, overly theoretical intellectual and spiritual concepts. You might recognize that demon’s name. Just some fallen angel called Lucifer. (And he lives on the moon, or something, according to Steiner.)

To mediate between these demons, we need Michael/Christ, who according to Steiner cast down Lucifer in the form of the serpent of Eden, and does battle with Ahriman in the form of the Dragon. Waldorf students repeatedly watch little pageant plays about these two stories-- The Paradise Play about the Fall from Eden, and the Michaelmas Play about Saint George and Michael defeating the Dragon. 

SO MUCH MICHAEL

Michael is a big fucking deal in Waldorf. Being conflated with Jesus helps, of course-- but a lot of the focus is on the Michael aspect. 

We sang a shit-ton of little hymns and receited a bunch of “verses” (actually prayers, Steiner literally told his teachers to call the prayers “verses” so no one would realize his schools were religious) about Michael. Here are a few I remember.

Unconquered hero of the skies

Saint Michael

Against the foe with us arise 

Thine aid we pray

The foe to slay

Saint Michael 

The heavenly banner dost thou bear

Saint Michael

The angels do thine armor wear

Thine aid we pray

The foe to slay

Saint Michael 

Also: 

Michael with sword of light

Blaze in the darkness of earth’s long night

Archangel Michael with radiant glory shines above

Hero Michael will defeat the foe

(The first two lines of that one were sung as a counter melody against the second two lines. It was really pretty actually.)

Wind in the trees blows loud

For summer’s last song

Thrashing the branches

Pelting the leaves along 

Sleepers awake

Hark to the word of the wind

Breaking on summer’s dull drowsy spell

Show us the way

Point with thy spear before

Forge us the future

O Michael

That one was pretty as fuck, too. It was my favorite. I still catch myself singing it sometimes. 

There were more that I don’t remember in their entirety. There was a sort of crappy one that I think was an original composition by my teacher. I only remember the second verse:

From a little freshet something streams

Freshly new-mown hay and moonlit dreams

Float with water fairies down the streams

O Michael

O Michael

The dragon fell

The dragon fell 

Honestly, if you are a devotee of Michael and want the melodies of these songs for your use, I will fucking record them and send them to you. No hate. At least, not for actual Michael or his devotees. 

MICHAEL AND ARYANISM IN ANTHROPOSOPHY 

Unfortunately, though, hate is kind of part and parcel in Waldorf. According to Steiner we are now in the age of Michael, which supposedly started in November 1879. (Gabriel was in charge before.) Michael is here to guide us into our next stage of evolution. Sounds nice, right?

Well, for Steiner, evolution means Aryanism. In fact, according to Steiner, there should only be one race existing at any given period of time, and the continued existence of non-white races is the fault of Lucifer and Ahriman. (So, THANKS LUCIFER AND AHRIMAN! I have no fucking idea why Steiner thinks you’re the baddies, probably because he’s fucking racist.) By the way, reading the links about Steiner’s Aryanism can be really upsetting and triggering, if that wasn’t obvious. 

(If any of this sounds familiar, it might be because certain Aryan “Satanist” groups have really similar ideas about time spirits and entering an Aryan eon.)

Now, generally, they do not openly teach these ideas in Waldorf schools. The racism is more covert, but still not terribly subtle. Waldorf curricula are rightly under fire for being too “Eurocentric,” aka white supremacist. To which Waldorf apologists will point to the fact that students learn about Hinduism and Buddhism, for example!

Yes, it’s true that we learned a (probably bastardized Anthroposophical view) on Hinduism and Buddhism. We also learned the Torah, again through a similarly wack-ass pseudo-Christian lens. But what’s really telling is when we learned those things. 

You see, Waldorf children are taught about certain cultures in certain grades for a reason: because Steiner thought that children of a certain age were at the same level of sophistication as those civilizations. 

So for example, there was a lot of stuff about Native Americans when we were in fucking kindergarten. 

The Torah was for third grade. 

Hinduism and Buddhism came in fifth grade, the same year we were also learning Greek mythology. 

So yeah, for Steiner kindergarteners are the equivalent of all adult Native Americans. Third graders are at the level of the Hebrews. Etc. We never learned any African history or mythology at all-- probably because racist asshole Steiner would have considered that to be at a pre-kindergarten level! 

When I was in school I had no idea why we were learning certain things at certain times. It’s only my adult reading that has revealed this part of the philosophy, and I am furious. 

The schools I went to were pretty damn white in terms of student body and also faculty. There was some diversity, but I realize now that a lot of gate-keeping was happening. The Eurocentric and Christian-flavored curriculum was generally a turn-off for Jews, Muslims and PoC, and the incredibly high tuition was of course an additional layer of racist/classist gate-keeping. 

I think I need to stop this overview post here. Next time, I’ll write more about what it’s like to be a clueless child inside of Waldorf-- what Anthroposophy looks like on the ground, as it were. The picture I have painted here is obviously revolting, but it’s not the picture we were shown. In my next article, you’ll learn why Waldorf is so seductive-- but also how it might be effecting small children.

[massageloverstuff]

I Got A (Naughty) Airport Hotel Massage.. And I Liked It

We recently branched out to some of our clients to get some feedback on their hotel airport massage experience, and we received an amazing response from a blogger from across the pond. Here’s his experience

Most people I know have never even heard of an erotic massage before, never mind actually experienced one.  Me on the other hand, I have had several. My name is ‘Tyler’, and I am an American sex blogger in New York City. Alongside my day job, I get paid to explore the weird and wonderful world of sex, and then write about it for my rather modest but very curious readership. Last month I was visiting London as part of a 3 week European trip and ended up having a very unexpected, yet unbelievable experience. Despite being pretty, ‘experienced’ should we say, this was pretty up there in terms of pleasure, so it would be wrong for me NOT to share it with you all.

After doing plenty of research, I decided to stay in the Sofitel Hotel at Gatwick Airport, mainly for convenience. The hotel was impressive, the staff were extremely friendly and it was located right next to various forms of transport- ideal. My friend and I were on a non-work related trip around Europe, and London happened to be our first port of call. Like most Americans, I had been conditioned to believe that everyone In England was related to the Queen, and spent their weekend’s playing Polo and drinking tea in the countryside. Within five minutes of touching down on British soil, I realised this was not the case- at all! London was hectic, challenging, fascinating and diverse and had a sense adventure in the air, similar to that of NYC. Londoners were not sickeningly pleasant and charming as the movies had made me believe, they were obnoxious, rude and insufferable; I felt completely at home.

Like most New Yorkers my age, veering away from clichés was the new fashion, so my friend and I had agreed to explore Europe as creatively as possible. For London, we had high hopes and half expected to be invited to an illegal warehouse rave somewhere in Camden. Of course, that wasn’t the case at all, but what we did find certainly took us by surprise. On our second day, we ended up visiting Notting hill where we stopped for lunch and a well-deserved beer-break in a quirky bar. Despite being only 4 in the afternoon, it was rammed, and the atmosphere was totally electric. Amongst the array of unusual accents floating around the room, the suited and booted American stood next to us obviously caught our attention.

We introduced ourselves, began chatting and invited him and his middle-eastern friend (also dressed in a suit worth more than my yearly salary) to join us for a couple of drinks. Despite both being incredibly down to earth (and slightly drunk), I felt like I was sat with two mannequins from the Calvin Klein store. They were totally immaculate, uncomfortably perfect, and were throwing around cash as it was toilet paper. The American guy was also from NYC, but was a high-flying, Bateman-esque stock broker. His friend, also in the same line of work, had moved over from Saudi Arabia decades before to bleed New York dry of cash. They were, by far, the most luxurious, lavish men I had ever met, and only the best of the best would do; which is the next conversation took me by surprise.

“So, you’re staying near Gatwick are you? I stayed in the same hotel as you guys on my first business trip here in the UK. Had a pretty memorable time in that hotel!”, explained the American. He looked to his friend who was grinning like a Cheshire cat and they proceeded to bury their smiles into their tumblers of whiskey.

“ Let’s just say boys, if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to get a naughty massage, now’s the time to do it”, he followed.

I was curious. I wanted to know more; so I gestured for him to go on. Although I had experienced erotic massages in the past, I could tell his particular session was pretty damn special judging by the glint in his eye. “It was late one evening and I was sat at the hotel bar having a drink. I got talking to a guy who went on to explain that he was a Londoner, but often came to this hotel every couple of months for a night or two- probably to get away from his wife. I asked him if he knew of any massage parlours nearby, as id got a kink in my neck from the flight, but he introduced me to something way better.”

The guy at the bar had given him the number of a salon, but unsurprisingly, it advertised naughty, outcall massage services. His new ‘friend’ recommended  he get a ‘4 Hands Massage’, something even I had never heard of until then.  It was 3am, but within 45 minutes of calling, he opened his hotel room door to not one, but two stunning Asian masseuses.

I had been searching for something risqué, and I had found it; I had found my creative London experience. After an hour or so, the drinks had run out and me and my friend decided to move on.  We bid our new friends farewell, but not before writing down the number for the salon. Around 11pm that night, I decided to take the plunge, despite being surprisingly nervous and apprehensive. My friend agreed to go to a bar for a couple of hours, so I contacted the salon, explained where I was staying and asked for their famous 4 Hands service. Within 55 minutes, I was opening my hotel door to two incredibly pretty Asian masseuses. Scarlett was Korean and Faith was Japanese, but they were both mind-blowingly attractive and made me feel right at ease.

I was asked to take a shower whilst the girls set up their equipment, so I did so as they requested. Stepping out of the bathroom, I was hit by a wave of tranquillity. The lighting was warm, candles were scattered and cushions had been arranged on the bed. I lay on my front, as instructed, and fell into bliss as they performed a traditional, full body massage to relax me. After several minutes, I turned onto my back where my masseuses proceeded to remove their bikinis and the towel covering my crotch. It was spine-tinglingly erotic, sensual and almost spiritual, unlike other kinky massages I had experienced.

With the 4 Hands service, I was also asked to choose a style of massage I wished for my luscious ladies to perform on me. I opted for a ‘Happy Ending’ massage because I’d never had one before, and it seemed like an appropriate choice for my last night in London. All I’m going to say is, it certainly was a Happy Ending for me. Whilst Faith massaged my shoulders from behind and rested her breasts on my face, Scarlett gave me the hand-job of dreams. I have watched women wrestle in jello, I have been to swingers parties and I have even delved into bondage, but I had never had such an aggressive erection as I did during that massage. My arousal levels were so high; it was pulsing through my body like shocks of electricity.  Unlike other massages Id had in the past, every touch, every stroke, ever motion was smooth, sleek and mischievous. As they mutually caressed and teased my body, pleasure surged through me from the tips of my toes right through to the ends of my fingers, and I was totally paralysed with pleasure. I wasn’t normally vocal during sexual interactions, but on this occasion, I was. I wriggled, moaned and trembled as the girls continued to torment and tease me with their bodies, breasts and expert touch.

Reaching my breaking point, the pressure mounting in my body became too much and I had my release. It was the best, most intense, most mind-blowing orgasm of my entire life. It travelled through my body with such force, I had to arch my back and grip the bed. If I could roll three standard orgasms into one, it still wouldn’t come close. My entire body felt numb, but the sensation seemed to ease off slowly over the period of several minutes. I lay there totally exhausted and satisfied. Scarlett and Faith did not get up and leave right away; they lay with me stroked my body while my heartbeat lowered. It was strangely romantic and I felt incredibly content- a new feeling for me. I eventually came back around and thanked the girls for their time. They professional yet sweet, and proceeded to tenderly kiss me goodbye. Contrary to common misconceptions, my London experience was far from sleazy.  It was a professional, passionate and first-class service, better than any Id had in the past. It was by far the most luxurious massage I had ever experienced and was worth every single penny.

As a sex blogger, it is my job to honestly write about my sexual encounters and put forward recommendations for my readers. So here is the verdict on my Gatwick Airport Outcall Massage Service: It was a one of a kind, once in a lifetime experience, and it made my trip complete.

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I Got A (Naughty) Airport Hotel Massage.. And I Liked It was originally seen on: Asia Massage Ltd

[fredericksmeg-blog]

Amsterdam.

This blog is coming to you late. This is so time-consuming and I keep deciding to sleep instead of sitting down and writing. But here it is, no promises on quality, in 3 parts. 

Today, you get Part I: Amsterdam.

On Thursday (the 19th), I woke up, made breakfast, and mentally prepared myself for our flight to Amsterdam. I’m a fundamentally stressed individual, so I packed and unpacked and packed again. Around 2:30, we (me, Bri, Natalie, Jasmine, Bridget, and Sarah) took the tube to the Victoria Rail Station to catch a train to Gatwick. The train ride was nice and sunny and we made it to Gatwick in plenty of time. We sat in an EAT while we waited for our gate to open, boarded our plane, and zipped off to the Netherlands. After we landed and went through passport control, we just stood in the beautifully decorated arrivals terminal and stared at the different outbound train platforms because it was all in Dutch and no one knew what to do. In the end we pretty much just ended up winging it and made it on a train to the Central Train station.

Sarah bravely led us to our hostel (sorry Nat, the “H-word”), which was a bit of a shock for all of us initially: it was everyone’s first experience with a hostel and definitely Natalie’s last experience with a hostel. We stayed in a mixed dorm with 20 beds, and some of there were already full when checked in – Amsterdam was dark and kinda shady when we got there at 11, so none of us felt great about that. We went to get food right away, and each of us ate a whole pizza. After that, we met Emily and Kaileen (they flew in later) as they checked in. I made my peace with the hostel and took a shower (honestly, nice showers), put some earplugs in, and passed out. Any anxiety I had about the hostel went away pretty quickly. I would do it again, but I definitely don’t speak for everybody when I say that.

On Friday we woke up in home sweet hostel, got ready, and walked across the city to get brunch at a magical, New Zealand-style café called Bakers and Roasters. I added to my eggs benedict tour of  Europe and it was fantastic. A bunch of us got mimosas and Natalie accidentally had 6 shots of espresso. Sarah, Kaileen and I all ordered coffees that were actually espresso, and since Natalie got extra shots in her latte, we thought they were for her. After brunch, Natalie led the herd (punch-dancing all the way there) to the Anne Frank House, which was a completely unreal experience.

I think I read the Diary of Anne Frank in 6th or 7th grade. It is unbelievable to come into the physical space that she lived her life in hiding, having almost 10 years of background on the subject. It feels like it’s not real but you know it is. The rooms in the Annex are all empty, Otto Frank wanted it to reflect the fact that the people who lived in them are gone too. Overall it was a really sobering experience. At the end there was a video of lots of famous people and visitors talking about Anne Frank. Emma Thompson gave a speech there, where she said,  “All her would-haves are our opportunities.” That summed up the way the visit left you feeling.

Honestly, I cannot shake that I went to the Anne Frank House on the day that Trump was inaugurated. After this week, that visit feels so important and impactful and also terrifying.

After that visit, we went across the canal to look at the Tulip Museum (gift shop, not the real deal), and visit the Amsterdam Cheese Museum, which was nothing less than a religious experience for me. So many cheese samples, great photo opportunities: 5 stars. Then we wandered for an hour or two. Some of us got some snacks and we camped out along the canal for a bit before we headed back across the city for dinner at a burger restaurant called Geflipt. We were there for a solid few hours, ordering drinks and then an appetizer platter of traditional Dutch snacks. My favorite, aside from the cheese and meats, were bitterballen, which are literally fried balls of gravy. Amazing. Why do we not have that in the United States. After dinner we went back to the hostel, regrouped, and a few of us went to a hostel bar nearby. It was pretty uneventful and we got back before midnight to prep for the next day. 

On Saturday we woke up a little earlier than the day before and walked to De Carrousel for breakfast. Most of us got poffertjes, which are Dutch mini pancakes with butter and powdered sugar. They were amazing and now I’m hungry for them while I’m typing this. After breakfast we walked across the street to the Heineken tour, which was a necessity for this visit. Obviously Heineken isn’t my favorite, but it was a fun time and it’s pretty ingrained in the culture there. We spent an hour touring, and about an hour at the rooftop bar, which was awesome and had a great view. Definitely a lot like the Guinness tour. We got two “free” beers at the end and just kinda hung out. Afterwards we headed to the Van Gogh Museum. We walked into their museum campus right as the Women’s March on Amsterdam was wrapping up!! That gave me so much positive energy. So many dogs, such a great show of solidarity across the world. I was blown away.

The Van Gogh Museum was easily one of the highlights of our trip. It was laid out so you could follow his life, floor by floor. I learned so much about him that I hadn’t known before, and it was all very emotionally charged. I stared at “Self Portrait with Gray Hat” for ages. It is amazing that you can look at one of his paintings for a bit, refocus on a piece of color, and then the whole painting looks different. I love the colors and how he sees them and applies them to scenes in real life. Alongside paintings by Monet and Daubigny, that I find really beautiful because of their realism, Van Gogh’s look so similar in setting but so different in form. Who would have thought that millions of people would find them as astonishing as they do. Definitely not him.

After the museum, we took some typical tourist pictures at the I Amsterdam sign, which was absolutely flooded with people. We went into a café for a little rest, and some people had snacks. We sat there for a while and tried to figure out what to do for dinner. Ultimately we ended up going to a restaurant called The Pantry that serves traditional Dutch food. We had some lovely goat cheese croquettes, Hutspot (mashed potatoes with beef, onions, and carrots and a smoked sausage), and a wonderful cheese platter. When we were done eating, we walked through the Jewish Quarter of the city and stopped for hot chocolate; it was really cold in Amsterdam the whole time we were there, so frequent stops were necessary. After that we walked through the red light district, because you know, we were there and we kinda had to. On our way back to the hostel, we stopped for desserts. We got back, went to sleep, and got ready to leave for the airport early the next morning. 

Our flight on Sunday was at 10-ish am, so we had to leave for the airport around 7. We took a train there, got breakfast, and hopped on our flight. I passed out on the plane easily. We took off at 10:25 and landed at 10:45 because time zones are fun. After a relatively quick tube home, not too much happened. I unpacked, made some food, touched based with my parents, and facetimed Will for the first time since Wednesday to tell him all about our weekend. :)

Overall, Amsterdam was one of the weirdest and coolest places I’ve ever been. I wish I had done a little more research before I went but it is what it is. I saw what I really wanted to see and got to walk pretty much the whole city. I feel like the Netherlands are so unique, I kept trying to compare it to other places I’ve been but couldn’t really pinpoint it. It had an Eastern European vibe about it, but it had an edgier feel (I don’t even think that’s the right word). I loved all of the bikes, trams, and overall lack of car traffic. The bikes are big and clunky, with bells and baskets and large handlebars. The Dutch are definitely the most aggressive bikers I’ve ever seen and I wish it wasn’t so cold so I could have tried. But yeah, Amsterdam. Very interesting culturally and especially architecturally. I had a great time on that trip despite its hiccups, and would love to go back there when I’m older and have myself a little bit more together.

Traveling with 8 people was a bit of a challenge, and it’s probably not going to happen again for the rest of our time here, because everyone kind of has their own plans. It was nice to do our first trip as a big group though, I’m a big fan of the people I’ve met here and I’m laughing pretty much constantly when we’re together. If any of you are reading this, thx for dealing with me.

There it is! Hopefully tomorrow I can post about the rest of my week. Thanks for reading this mess.

[fultas01]

Hi Reader!

Today I’m continuing the Blog challenge with talking about cultural differences. I feel like most of my blog posts talk at least in part to some differences in cultures, but today I will be focusing on this quote:

“Culture is central to what we see, how we make sense of what we see, and how we express ourselves.“

It’s a deep thought, before coming to Moldova I had some cultural sessions back in the states, and in these sessions we discussed some different ways to approach observing and talking about cultures (the Iceberg and DIVE models come to mind). While I will never be able to see the views of my host country in the exact same way as my host family (I have my own culture that I see everything through as well), I can appreciate the changes and do my best to describe these differences.

Disclaimer time, I don’t mean for any of my thoughts to be seen as an insult, slight, or in any bad light. I will share my personal experiences in the country, but don’t take my word as law (that would be a single story). So take what I say here with a grain of salt, and realize that I’m having a unique experience that can’t be replicated. If anything I say come off as hurtful or misleading, I apologize. I love my host country, and I’m rather fond of my home country (depending on the day, lol).

This post is part of Blogging Abroad’s 2017 New Years Blog Challenge, week three: Cultural Differences.

Actual post begins here:

Comparing US and Moldovan cultures

As you can imagine, there are a lot of differences between the small agriculture based country in eastern Europe known as Moldova and the self-proclaimed super-power known as the US. So when I sat down to think about this blog post I honestly couldn’t think of any one thing. I talked with different volunteers to see what they thought, and I heard a lot of “I don’t know, there’s a lot,” and I heard “It’s more in the small things that are different,” etc. So now it’s up to me to talk about some cultural differences that I have noticed.

Back in the US I lived in a city, Ft Wayne, IN. And now I live in the small village of Gordinesti. So, I feel like I can’t truly comment on differences in the community. I honestly think just about everyone in the community knows me here, but I would have had to be the mayor or a local celebrity to be so well known in Ft Wayne. This is just due to the size of the community. So, no, I don’t have the same kind of knowledge base to make that comparison.

Parkview Field Aerials 2009

Two pictures of my village, and one of downtown Ft Wayne

There are differences in the work, and in working conditions, but I believe that these have a lot to do with a lack of funding, not in cultural differences. Due to how poor the area is the school can’t be kept at a toasty 69 degrees (F) like they are in the states. No, we work bundled up in coats, scarves, and sometimes hats and gloves. I wouldn’t be surprised if these conditions were still seen in poorer areas of the US. The school has a similar feel to that of one in the US, the students act like students. Some days they want to learn, some days they don’t. Having an American, while novel, isn’t seen as a huge deal. I still have a boss (they are called the directors and adjunct directors, but that can be basically seen as the principal and vice principals/other administrative staff). So, not that different.

Some pictures of school in Moldova, surprisingly I still don’t have a picture of the outside of the building to share, or any good pictures of my classroom now that we have taken the French flags and other decorations off the walls.

Moving around the country is a little different from in the states. Taking a 3.5 hour rutiera ride isn’t my favorite mode of transportation , but it could be compared to the Grey Hound system. When there is a derth of cars to take people across the country, you need a system, and Moldova has it in the form of rutiera. While I would prefer my car, it gets the job done just the same.

Some pictures from riding rutieras, in the summer they are hot sweaty death, in the winter they range from slowly freezing to uncomfortably warm.

No, the big cultural difference that still surprises me from time to time is the family unit. I currently live in a three generation household. Something that, in my experience, is pretty rare in the states. Or at the least, not common. This is the norm here. Bunica and Bunele live in the casa mica, Mom and dad live in one room of the main house and the siblings share another room. There are 7 of us all within 100 square feet. It’s a tight family unit. Not to mention how often I see the other relatives, we live with my host dad’s parents, but we visit my host mom’s mother and grandmother (4 generations in that house) at least once a week.

Back in the US I might have seen my grandmother once every other month, here I see her every single day. The family unit is really important here in Moldova, everyone helps each other. Of the young adults that I know here many of them live with their families to this day and the only thing that would make them consider moving is to find a job. Many of my students talk about the village as a place where their families are, so they have no intention to leave (or at least not for very long). They want to make money, but they also want to be where they can help their families. While to some in the US, this doesn’t sound too different, but to me I couldn’t wait to move out and away.

My host sister wants to be a doctor, and she is already thinking about where she would go to school here in Moldova, then she wants to come back and work in this area so she’s close to her family. Compare that to me, who is currently 7 time zones away from my nearest relative. I miss my family members, but I don’t miss Angola, or even really Indiana. But I think that if my host family were gone from Gordinesti for 7 months (like I have been gone) they would miss their homes more than I do. Case and point, my bunica just came home after being gone for a month and she is already out visiting all the relatives and neighbors to see what has changed while she was gone.

Homework every night is a family event (me included) as the kids ask for homework help, and the parents listen to make sure everything is getting done correctly. I like this time, because it helps me to learn new Romanian, but its also a neat cultural experience seeing five members of the family huddled together to give the kids their attention and get some work done. Not to mention the amount of praise that goes into doing the work. Another comparison to me, I think I stopped asking for homework help from my mom by middle school. While my parents always praised me when I did well in school, I think that they were more interested when I didn’t do well in school. They wanted to know why I didn’t excel in a specific area (something that I haven’t found here. If one of my host siblings does poorly in one area, its shrugged off and they just keep working at all the areas again).

It’s not that families in the US don’t bond, its not even that my family in the states isn’t tight. Its just the idea of leaving family or not helping your family seems to be different. I’m not sure if a Moldovan from my village would really ever consider volunteering like I am (leaving their families for 27 months and not making money to send to that family). The communities are changing as the younger generation leaves the country to find employment. But even as they do, most of that generation will send money back to Moldova, or they talk to their family once a day…. I might talk to my mom once a week, which I think is fine! Either way, I have a family here in Moldova now, whether I wanted one or not.

Some family and some home here in Moldova.

A final note:

A day ago, I received news that my dad was in the hospital and in serious condition. I was upset and locked myself in my room until I heard more info, and I can honestly say that I had never felt the distance from home so acutely. I was trying to think about how long it would take for me to get back home if things turned worse, and I didn’t like the outcome, since it would likely take me at least 2 days, and likely closer to 4 or 5. Thankfully things seem to be okay right now, but as I sat down to finish this post I couldn’t stop to think about the family expectations here and in the US.

What would my host siblings do if there was an accident with their dad? Well, for starters I don’t think they would be halfway across the world. And if they were, I think they would be returning home right now. But that’s just a guess, and while I’m staying put and continuing my service, I’m paying close attention to some of these cultural differences to see what I can take home with me.

Thanks for reading,

Angela

A kilometer in Another’s shoes Hi Reader! Today I'm continuing the Blog challenge with talking about cultural differences. I feel like most of my blog posts talk at least in part to some differences in cultures, but today I will be focusing on this quote: