#hope that read more works skfjjkj

[zombie-honeymoon]

Too Pretty For Prison

Summary: Roommates Hidan, Itachi, and Deidara are behind on rent, have outstanding parking violations and other debts. Wanting his rent money, Kakuzu issues them an ultimatum. Hidan comes up with what he thinks is a great idea on how to get the money they owe and stay out of jail.

Word Count: 880 Rating: T+ CW: None Status: Complete Notes: For the three setence ficathon on dreamwidth. (but this is way more than three sentences) Prompt- we're way too pretty for prison. Just some silliness and crack treated so seriously I made an image for it, please enjoy.

Also on AO3 here

When someone pounded on their front door, Hidan, Deidara, and Itachi froze, then did their best to hide except for Deidara who stood frozen in place in the kitchen.

Each of them were sure it was the cops finally come to serve them with warrants for their arrests. The charges they knew of: a slew of unpaid parking violations, overdue rent, and (what Itachi considered to be the worst offense of all) late library books he hadn’t paid the fees on for years.

For weeks the blinds had been drawn, newspaper taped to the slim window along the side of the front door and they had avoided opening the door to anyone they didn’t already know was coming over. 

“I know you idiots are in there!” Kakuzu bellowed as he pounded on the door once more. “You owe me last month's rent and now this month's rent!” 

“What do we do?” Itachi whispered frantically from where he was crouched down in front of the couch that Hidan was lying prone on, their faces inches away from each other. 

“He can’t do shit, just be quiet and he’ll think we’re not home and go away,” Hidan whispered back.

“He owns this place,” Deidara whispered from the kitchen where he still stood frozen, cigarette burning between his fingers and ash falling to the floor. “He can just come in here if he really wanted!”

“Shhh!” HIdan and Itachi shushed him at the same time.

“We’re way too pretty for prison!” Deidara shouted in a panic. “We’ll have to become someone’s bitches!”

“Deidara! Keep it down!” Hidan loudly whispered as he rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. “And fuck that, I’ll have bitches, I won’t be one!”

“You’re about to become my bitch if you don’t let me into my own property!” Kakuzu shouted as he banged on the door once more. The sudden noise made Deidara jump, and his cigarette fell to the floor where it landed on his bare foot. He jumped, shouting in pain, and knocked into the stove with a clatter.

“Aww fuck!” Hidan groaned. “He knows we’re in here for sure now!”

“Like he didn’t hear us already? He literally responded to you, Hidan. Apparently he wants you as his bitch.” Itachi sighed as he got up on the couch, shoving Hidan’s legs away but Hidan just moved them back and put his feet in Itachi’s lap.

Through the door they heard Kakuzu. “You three have until noon to pay up, I’ll be back with the cops and they can get you delinquents on whatever other charges you surely have. It’ll save me time and money from having to go through the eviction process.” 

Itachi leaned forward, burying his face in his hands, muttering about how he should have returned those books sooner and paid off the debt. 

“Don’t worry, man,” Hidan said, “I don’t think you go to jail for that.”

“My cousin told me you can.” 

“Well your cousin is totally full of shit.”

Itachi simply rolled his eyes, thinking that Hidan was the one full of shit. “My cousin is a cop. I think he would know.” 

Deidara came and plopped himself down in the middle of the couch, with a newly lit cigarette in hand. He leaned back on Hidan’s stomach, squishing him against the couch. “I never paid my library fees from high school… that’ll just be one more charge against me!” 

Itachi stared at him. “I can’t decide what surprises me more. That you checked out books from the library or that you actually returned them.” 

“Don’t worry guys,” Hidan said while trying to wriggle free but gave up when it was clear he was stuck there and stole the cigarette from Deidara. He took a drag before it was snatched back. “I know where where we can make a lot of money real fucking fast.”

“Oh?” Deidara and Itachi both perked up at that and waited for him to tell them.

“You think we’re pretty, Dei?” Hidan waited for Deidara to nod, a grin forming on his face. “Well, tonight’s amateur night at the strip club.”

“But we need the rent money before noon today, yeah?” Deidara asked as he flicked ashes onto the floor. 

“That old fuck can wait a few more hours. We’ll pool what we have and give it to him now. He can’t start the eviction until we’ve missed several months, and especially not if we’re 'making an attempt' to pay. Trust me on this. I know! And tonight we’ll get the rest to pay what’s left and maybe enough to pay our other debts and shit.”

“This is a terrible idea…” Itachi sighed but couldn’t offer a better solution. “We all owe so much…”

“So... maybe we do this a few times.” Deidara shrugged. “How often do they hold amateur night?” 

Hidan didn't even hesitate. “First and third Friday of every month.” 

“You’ve done this before, haven’t you?” Itachi asked.

“It's been the most steadiest job I've ever had,” Hidan said as he wiggled his eyebrows at his friends before finally shoving them both off the couch so he could get up and they could all start scrounging around for every last piece of cash and loose change they could find.

Thanks for reading, reblogs and comments are always appreciated and loved.