#how many do we have left anyways 2? itll be fine

[pcktknife]

okay last fest this time i promiiiiise

[mad-men-inc]

Fragments from Beyond The Stars -- Rescue.

So ya boi wrote a thing, lmao. Enjoy some Star Wars bullshit! Basically my OCs (along with togruta!Kit) in a universe ive been on and off making for like 2-3 months. Please, dear god, ask me about them and the story if you’re interested. I would kill for you :eyes:

Kit slammed the door open, the woman at the head of the table merely raising an eyebrow at the loud entrance. The man sitting two chairs to her left stood up, his hand going to the blaster hanging off his belt, but between the woman's hand wave and Kit's own blaster aimed at his face, he conceded and left through a side door, paying a single glance back to the woman.

"Kit, I presume?"

"Where's Sam." It was barely a question, the hardness in Kit's voice making it clear that they werent here to play the woman's game.

"Tut tut, little Fighter. Not even going to ask how I know?"

"I know enough about you to know you pulled any intel from Sam's head, so tell me where she is before I pull the answer from yours." The response was growled, and the woman.. laughed. She tilted her head back, elegantly, and laughed to the ceiling.

"Oh, that's precious! You have just the fire I expected you to- you're just like she described." Her tone was mocking, teasing, light. Too fucking light. Kit fired their blaster, right for her cocky fucking face, but she held up a hand and stopped the laser in midair, halfway between her and Kit.

"Now, now. That's just rude," the joking tone gave way to offense, and the laser fell to the table's surface, sizzling out. "Play nicely or I'll have my men kill your little girlfriend."

Kit growled lowly, any fear at facing a Force user snuffed out by the threat to their friend- leader- partner. Still, they took the message, holstering their blaster and crossing their arms over their chest defiantly. A knife settled into each hand, slipped from the wrist guards they wore. "Fine. Take me to her."

The woman stood up, her hands resting delicately, balancing on her fingertips, against the table's surface. "Why would I do that, when it's more fun to keep you in suspense? She cried for you, you know," she circled the table, closing the distance between herself and Kit, one hand trailing over the table next to her. "She screamed and begged for you to stay away. To let her die, so you could stay free. Unfortunately, you didnt get the message-" a mocking pout "-apologies about that."

Kit didnt believe this woman, no matter how much that sounded exactly like their Sam. They wouldn't believe a word she said.

She continued, before they could interject any protests though. "I silenced her of course, dont worry. Couldnt have her scaring you off, now could i?" She was closer than Kit would like, her free hand coming up to flick at the tip of their montrals.

Kit finally uncrossed their arms, both hands shoving towards the woman full force. The blades sunk into her sides, the woman shouting and sending a Force wave into Kit. They flew backwards, through the door they had left open. The knives remained in the woman's sides.

They stood upright against the wall, ignoring the pain in their back, as they moved down the hallway. They opened every door searching for the woman they came for, their team leader, their fucking girlfriend, finally finding her in a tiny closet-like room that had become a makeshift cell, at the end of the hallway.

Kit's hands found her shoulders, helping Sam sit upright. As soon as she saw Kit's face, she started crying, shaking her head frantically.

"Go, go go go, go, get out of here, go-" she was begging, the words almost incoherent with how slurred and soft they were. Sam was.. out of it. Her eyes were unfocused and she was hardly breathing, she was covered in bruises and cuts and burns, she looked like she had barely eaten anything with how much thinner she was-- and she was trembling in Kit's hold.

They shook their head without a word, untying Sam's hands and easing her up with the wall as support."We have to go, Sammy," Kit was trying to hide their frantically beating heart, keeping their voice steady and level.

"Cant- cant, we cant, im- i cant go-" she was crying, shaking her head more, her chest was jerking with silent sobs that was followed by a flinch every time.

"I dont care if you cant walk, I’ll carry you, we have to go," Kit was getting nervous, glancing behind them at the doorway before slipping their arm under Sam's legs so they could scoop her up.

"Bomb- im- I'm a b-bomb, I cant go, its-- distance, I can't, I cant- Kitty, you have to go, please, please go-" her shoves were weak against Kit's chest and arms, but they got the point across well enough.

They stood upright anyway, keeping hold of Sam. "What's the range?" They moved out to the hallway, treading carefully as they waited for the answer.

"Wh- about the ship size, dont- cant leave it, she said- said itll kill anyone in 15- 15 feet, its tied to the- core. Core, core, if we break it-"

"You two arent breaking anything." Eliza spoke from behind the pair, Kit turning on their heels to face her. She was holding one arm across her sides, her other hand holding a lightsaber to the side. The weapon was off, but Sam's breath still caught and she started shaking, pressing against Kit tighter.

"Drop me and run- I've got her, please go-" she tried to tell Kit, but the togruta didnt pay her any mind. They ducked into the room that was beside them quickly, slamming the door behind them with their foot.

The room looked just like the one they had found Liza in before, so they ran for the side door and sprinted down the new hallway. The comm link on their wrist beeped once, Sam reaching over and activating it with a shaking hand.

"Kit, what's the story?" Evan's voice filtered through the device, Sam nearly sighing in relief. The gang was here to help. Maybe they did have a chance..

"I need you or Jason to pull up the schematics. There's a ranged bomb on Sam- we have to blow the core if we want to get her out of here alive." Kit spoke evenly, looking around them for some kind of sign that they were going the right way towards the core of the ship.

"Can never be easy with you fuckers, huh?" Jason spoke up, his voice riddled with amusement. He didnt wait for a retort, immediately setting about calling directions for Kit to take. 

The pair were lucky in avoiding trooper patrols, and Liza had seemingly fucked off, so they arrived at the core drive quickly. Kit set Sam down by the door, giving her the comm link while they fished through their backpack for the explosive devices they always carried now. Too many times had they come in handy, for them to forget to bring a few.

Sam took the blaster from Kit's side, her grip strong but her aim shaking as she pointed the weapon at the door. If anyone walked through it, they would be dead -- probably.

Soft beeps echoed through the room as Kit placed the devices, all synchronizing with their detonator. They would need to get out of there first, get to their own escape ship before setting this place on a path to hell.

The door slid open, Sam opening fire until a strong Force had her finger stilling on the trigger. Kit ducked behind the massive core, cursing silently as Eliza strolled into the room and disarmed Sam. She wasnt holding her sides anymore, and Kit realized she had probably taken a hypo-syringe; she was fucking healed.

Sam trembled in the hold, immobile and hating every second of it. Eliza hummed, the same tune as always- Sam flinched and immediately squeezed her eyes shut as her whole body tensed up.

"That'a girl. You know it was very dumb of you to think you're getting out of here. And your actions.." the lightsaber ignited, Sam whimpering quietly as the red light flickered over her face. "Have consequences. Open your eyes, Samantha. I want you to watch this one. I want your little partner to watch this one."

She was cocky, far too cocky, and Kit snuck around the core to get closer to her. She wouldnt fucking touch their Sam any more- except she did.

The blade rested on Sam's side, right where one of Kit's knives had gone into the woman, and their breath hitched. Sam was lucky her goal wasnt to kill her. Or.. was she?

She shrieked, her muscles straining under the Force hold- she wanted to get away, to move, to run, to something, anything, but she was just as helpless now as she had been when she was first fucking taken.

"And what a shame it is theres nothing you can say to stop me this time. I don't want your information anymore. I want your fucking screams." And scream she did, as the laser was finally lifted up, only to be pushed against her other side.

Kit flinched at the sound, before sucking in a breath and moving to get behind the woman. They ran at her quietly, yanking her backwards so the blade left Sam. As soon as it was off, they jumped on her back and fought to drag her to the ground.

Liza slammed her back against one of the core relays, Kit wincing but not letting go. Their arm wrapped around her throat, pulling tighter as the pair fought each other off.

Finally, Liza snagged Kit in a force hold, throwing them off of her back- they slid across the ground and stopped next to Sam. Sam, who was able to move but still stuck frozen. Terror and pain clashed with their desire to protect her partner, and her trembling hands were of no use. Kit seized up next to her, as Liza got her bearings right.

Sam recognized the straining of their muscles, the same way hers would move when she was fighting off the Force. She had to move. 

Liza was coming closer, her hand closing around the hilt of her lightsaber. Sam had to move. She had to move. She had to move- the blaster was in her hand, she pulled the trigger and nailed Liza in the shoulder, the woman yelling in pain and outrage. Her grip on Kit released, but she was close enough anyway that she sent her boot straight into Sam's stomach, the girl doubling over and coughing.

"Bad. Dog." She growled, and Sam yelped as another well-aimed kick landed on her already broken ribs. Another, aimed at the fresh burns on her sides. She curled up, shielding her face but otherwise letting the Sith hurt her. Her chest jerked with sobs, and soft apologies filtered from her lips, muffled by her arms.

Kit had snatched up the blaster and gotten out of the way as soon as Liza had let them go, horror stilling their hand as they barely heard their girlfriend apologize for saving their life- what had happened here..? Did they even want to know?

They shook their head, firing twice into Eliza's back. The woman fell forward with a cry, her body curled over Sam's.

Sam sobbed and trembled and stilled, waiting for someone else to move first. Liza wasnt dead, of fucking course she wasnt, but she would be soon enough anyway. Kit holstered their blaster again, pulling Sam out from under the bitch. She flinched but stayed quiet, her eyes shut tight and her face pressed against Kit's chest.

Together, they ran, getting farther from the core and closer to the hangar that Kit had gotten in through. It passed by in a blur, Sam dazed and afraid, so much smaller than Kit was used to in every sense of the word. She was quiet and curled in on herself, she was thin and shaking, pale and... afraid. She was afraid.

That was... new. Not new, not really, Kit had seen her more afraid when it was their life on the line, but this was a terror that didnt go away, that left a haunting look in Sam's eyes and a bad taste in both of their mouths. This was a fear that would follow her, they were sure.

The little ship that they called home (more of a home than the Resistance base anyway) picked them up with a quick fly-by, Kit and Sam landing hard on the loading ramp as they lept to safety. Jason helped them inside, Kit setting off the explosives just before they flew away. Sam shook harder as the explosions sounded behind them, her wide eyes never leaving the hangar door, unblinking and unmoving.

They flew away for a few moments, waiting for the hyperdrive to warm up and prepare (and likely making sure Sam wasnt about to explode), before they jumped to light speed. Sam finally, finally blinked and looked away from the window, as the white lines that would be stars passed by, slowly making her dizzy.

JA-K13 scanned her for injuries as soon as she turned, the robot giving a false sigh and muttering about not being able to fix this mess, before he set about getting her to sit down so he could try and do exactly that.

Kit sat by her side, their eyes roaming over the tons of wounds that they knew would only get worse if they didnt get back to base soon. Sam needed a real medibay..

Sam, for her part, pretended as if everything was okay. She faked a close-lipped smile, her ever-shaking hand resting on top of Kit's between them. Neither spoke.

Neither wanted to discuss what had happened back there. But Kit couldnt look away from the tear tracks running over Sam's cheeks, and Sam couldnt stop seeing flashing images of Kit, dead at their feet, the blaster in her own hand and smoking.

Kit knew they were lucky to escape alive, but Sam wasnt sure they truly had escaped. After all, the past always caught up, didnt it? And hers was especially persistent.

[coffeecrusadeclub]

Roadtrip -tyrus fic

TJ POV:

I climbed into the passenger side of Cyrus's car. We were driving out to see Andi in New York. We had this trip planned since we found out Andi got accepted into the New York Institute of Art and Design a year ago. Of course there was a few details that changed since then. Buffy and Jonah were supposed to ride with me and Cyrus but Buffy caught a flight over there a week ago and Jonah couldnt get off work.

So that means it just me and Cyrus.. in a small green BMW... alone... for at least two days to and back

I mean dont get me wrong it's not that I didnt love the idea of a road trip with him or the idea of crashing at a hotel after long day of driving. Being alone with him just makes me so nervous, I mean I have been crushing on him since I was 15, that was five years ago and I still like him as much as I did in the beginning if not more. Hes my best friend and I know he wouldn't be upset about me liking him probably. I mean hes out and proud. But I'm not out I'm not proud. I'm afraid that's the way it's always been.

"TJ! My mans you ready to roll" Cyrus pulled me out of my thoughts, his voice filled with enthusiasm. It was cute and I felt a ball grow in the pit of my stomach. You cant like him TJ its wrong

"I- uh yeah! Let's go!! NY here we come!"

---------------

We had left at around 4am on Friday (to beat morning traffic as much as we could). It was now Saturday and there was about 2 hours left of us jamming out to Cavetown, Alec Benjamin, and many other amazing artists when Cyrus's phone went off.

"Who texted me? Can you check?" Cyrus asked only looking away from the road for a moment to look at me.

"Yeah hold up." I grabbed his phone, unlocking it to check the message.

"Uh- it's someone named Johnathon.. he put 'want to come over again tonight?' What do I tell him?"

I looked over at Cyrus who had stopped humming along to the music.

"I- uh tell him um tell him no and I'll talk to him later" he stumbled over his words. I nodded and typed out the text reading it outloud to get approval before pushing send.

"So... is he like your boyfriend or like a hookup or something?" I asked, trying to conceal the jealousy in my voice.

"Wh- no definitely not Teej" he replied defensively

"Hey I'm not judging you just a question"

"Sorry I just.. Hes just a friend. He likes me but it's not mutual and he keeps inviting me over but I'm not into him ya know?"

"Yeah, you should definitely tell him though. Sooner rather than later"

"I know theres a lot of things I should tell a lot of people but sometimes it's scary"

"Yeah there's a few things I'm afraid of saying to so I get you" I looked over at him for a second and smiled. The sun was setting and the glow it created around him was beautiful. He was beautiful. I cleared my throat shaking myself out of the thought and adjusted myself so I was facing away from him

"Are you okay Teej?" He put 1 hand on my back, the other still on the wheel.

"Yeah I'm-im fine" I muttered pulling away from his touch.

"You can talk to me about anything TJ I promise"

"I- itll change how you look at me"

"No TJ you're my best friend, I love you man I'm not gona judge you"

I felt my throat tighten at his words "later- on the way home maybe" I tried to respond calmly but my voice broke anyway and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I wasnt going to tell him I knew I wasnt. He was gona forget and I'd be off the hook.

--------

We spent 3 days in NY with Andi before we had to leave. Buffy stayed because her flight wasnt for a couple days. At first the drive was quiet, I was worried he'd bring our conversation up from 3 days prior.

We had been talking about everything really. Our lives, our hopes and dreams. And then the inevitable happened, I should have known better than to think he'd forget.

"What was it that made you cry the other day Teej... you said youd tell me on the way home"

I was driving so I didnt turn to look at him but I knew he was staring at me, waiting for me to answer. I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I wanted to tell him but my dads words from years prior kept playing in my head: "boys dont like boys TJ, its wrong. Do you want to go to hell? Dishonor our family? Then shape up"

"I um I dont know what youre talking about Cy, sorry. I guess I forgot"

"Tyler James Kippen you are so full of it. Please talk to me" I looked at him and instantly regretted it. I sighed

"I cant Cyrus. You don't get it. I can't tell you. If I tell you its real- I cant disappoint my family theyll h-hate me" My voice cracked and I put the emergency lights on, pulling to the side of the road.

I put my head down, resting my forehead against the steering wheel. I let out a small sob and shook my head. "I cant do it man"

"TJ hey no no nobody is going to hate you. Youll be okay I promise"

"Cyrus I'm- I'm gay and-" I stopped myself, did I want to do this? My dad's voice echoed in my head and I sighed.

"And?"

"And Im in love with you.. I felt this way since I met you but I was scared. I am scared.. People like me don't deserve people like you... My family is going to hate me. I hate me, there's something wrong with me."

"TJ no there is nothing wrong with you. You're family is not going to hate you. It might take them time to get used to but Ive met your family and they love you so much. That's not going to change. Im here okay? I love you too"

I looked up at him "You do?"

"Yes I have for a long time. Gosh Teej, and here I thought Jonah was oblivious." He teased and I looked up at him, a smile on my face.

I'm still apprehensive about the future but with him by my side? Well for the first time in ever I actually believe that Im going to be okay

[parkaiur]

The Skater Boy (Pt.2) - Yoonbin

❀Angst 

❀ *WARNINGS: Parental abuse (GRAPHIC) & suicidal thoughts

❀ Word Count: 6.3 K

❀ A/N: dont ask me for a part 3 :) your ask will not get answered :)  anyways hope you guys enjoy this !! i really enjoyed writing this series hehe thank you for all the nice comments/asks/reblogs ! I really enjoyed reading them and it made me feel happy so many people were supporting me and this fic! and p.s. im not saying not to send me a part 3 ask to be mean, but im not going to write a part 3 so itll be a waste of my time and your time to ask for one 

❀ ❀ ❀ 

I woke with a jolt.

I uncrossed my arms and looked around at my surroundings. It was raining hard and darkness was still surrounding me, meaning it was night time. 

I eased myself down, feeling nothing around me. 

Until I heard shouting to my right. My heart beat faster at the intense fear of being found by my father. But, my father would never look for me.

“Y/n! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!” 

Wait... I recognize that voice.

I quickly unlocked my side door and Yoonbin came flying in, soaking wet and all. I groaned and scooted away from him as the coldness oozed off of him. 

Then, after the disgust, shock suck in.

“What are you doing out here? You should be home.” He deadpanned like he didn’t just walk to me in the pouring rain, and only God knows how the boy found me. 

My jaw was still dropped in confusion while the boy just wanted an answer.

“Y/n, what are you-”

“How did you find me?” I interrupted. I was immensely confused and this whole night has been....something else. 

Yoonbin sighed and wrapped himself in his wet coat. I rolled my eyes and took off his jacket, which surprised him. 

“Start talking.” I snapped. The boy gulped and started to spill.

“Ok, after I hung up the phone, I was so mad at you that I wanted to talk to you face to face so I took off to your house. That’s when your dad answered the door, telling me that you left and didn’t live there anymore. So I asked him on places you would be and then... he shut the door on me so I went searching myself.” I nodded slowly, barely comprehending his words. 

“Wait, where is your car then?” The boy gave me a cheeky smile. 

“Um, I had to drive back home so that my parents would think I was home...” He trailed off, scratching his head while doing so. I almost let out a laugh.

We sat there in silence as he was now sitting in a short sleeve shirt and dirtying my entire passenger seat. 

“I’m not going back home.” I stated with a stern look. “You can’t make me.” I mumbled the last line. The boy stayed silent. 

“Fine. I know a place, let me drive.” He tried to get into the drivers seat but I pushed him away. “Yoonbin, dude-” 

“Just trust me on this!” He was too strong for me and pulled me over to the soaking wet passenger seat. I closed my eyes at the disgusting, irritating feeling. My back and butt were all wet thanks to Yoonbin. I opened my eyes and saw the boy grinning back at me. 

“Fine, I have no where else to go, I guess.” The boy said nothing to my grumbling but instead started up the car. We drove in silence through the night sky and pouring rain. 

Soon, he pulled into a driveway, leaving me to raise a brow. The house wasn’t too big, but wasn’t too small. It looked like a normal suburban house in the area. I raised a brow at him. 

“Where are we?” Yoonbin smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

“We’re at ... my house.” 

My jaw dropped in surprise. The boy got out of the car and then grabbed my bag for me. Quickly, he came to my side and opened the door for me. I squinted my eyes at him, but got out of the car anyways.

“I didn’t know you were so much of a gentleman.” I joked to hide my racing heartbeat at the sight of his home. 

What would his parents think of me staying over? What would they assume of me when they see their son drenched in water? Or what would they think of my tear-stained face? What would-

“Don’t worry, my parents are really nice people.” Yoonbin ushered me forward and opened the door quietly. He poked his head in, and then waved me forward.

I didn’t think he would wave me forwards if his entire family was sitting in the living room. 

But he did.

And now they were all staring at me. 

I recognized their faces vaguely and nodded and bowed to them. 

“Oh? Yoonbin? You weren’t home? Who’s this?” His mom bombarded him with questions until she saw him soaking wet. “OH MY GOODNESS! I’ll go get towels!” The shorter woman sprinted away as Yoonbin gave me a gummy smile. 

His dad stood and walked over to me. I felt my palms go sweaty and my head go numb. I felt Yoonbin grasp my hand gently and squeezed it. 

Yoonbin’s dad was now right in front of me, his expression unreadable. He lifted his hand, causing my body to go into a frenzy. 

He’s going to hit you. He’s going to hit you. He’s going to hit you.

Surprisingly, he patted my shoulder and peered down at me with a concerned look. 

“Sweetie, are you okay? Do you need some water or clean clothes? Or some food? We can heat up leftovers.” 

My body froze and my throat closed up, unable to speak. 

“We just had some fried chicken, an easy meal. It’ll be real easy.” His dad continued, taking his hand off my shoulder.

Yoonbin squeezed my hand gently which zapped me back into reality. 

“N-no sir, I’m fine. I just ate not too long ago.” Lies. I hadn’t eaten dinner or breakfast today. But I didn’t have much of an appetite anyways. 

Yoonbin’s dad laughed. “Just call me Mr. Ha. And if you change your mind, just take whatever you want from the fridge.” I nodded and thanked him. 

Suddenly, Yoonbin’s mom came flying down the steps with a bunch of towels in her hand. 

“Here, here, dry yourselves.” She threw a towel at her son, then one at me. I caught it clumsily as Yoonbin had to retract his hand. “Why are you all wet, Ha Yoonbin! You’re going to get a cold! And in the middle of the summer!” She tsked. I bit my lip to hide my laughter when Yoonbin just rolled his eyes. 

Then, his mom turned to me. “Sweetie, if you need something, just call us. First, you both need a change of clothes.” She shoved a pile of clothes at me. “Here, these are Yoonbin’s sister’s clothes who is currently working in Germany. And Yoonbin will show you to the bathroom.” 

She glared at the boy, but then smiled. I opened to my mouth to protest, but she was already pulling me away to follow Yoonbin. The boy tilted his head in the direction he wanted me to go.

“Here, you can use my room. I’ll just change in the bathroom in there since I need to dump all the wet clothes in bathtub anyways.” I nodded and stepped into his room. 

It was exactly how I imagined. The walls were a dark blue, close to black, and there were posters of random bands hung around. The only light source besides the lights on the ceiling was a black lamp that was seated on his desk. Clothes was flung around and I almost tripped on his t-shirt that was lying on the ground. 

“Sorry, I’m a bit messy.” He scratched the back of his neck and blushed. I shrugged and gave him a small smile. “It’s the first time I’ve brought a girl home, so sorry they’re all doting on you.” 

That surprised me. 

Yoonbin was anti-social as an anti-social person could be, but he was an attractive dude. He had fierce features and a smile that made me melt. His humor was dry and he could be quite annoying, but he did have a caring side even if he didn’t want to admit it. 

I mean he was letting me stay at his house. 

“It’s fine, it’s the first time I’ve been doted on.” I said honestly. We awkwardly stood and stared at each other until Yoonbin cleared his throat. 

“I’m going to get changed now, um, I’ll knock before I come in.” 

I nodded and he gave me a tight smile before disappearing into the bathroom. I looked down at the clothes his mom had given me. I pulled on the simple black leggings and the red t-shirt that hung nicely on my body. I then felt the t-shirt stick uncomfortably to my body because of the wetness, so I stripped it off and dried my torso with the towel.

Suddenly, I heard Yoonbin knock on the bathroom door. 

“Wait-”

Before I could respond, the boy opened the door, his eyes immediately landing on shirtless body. His eyes widened and I could see him visibly gulp. 

I raised a brow and cocked my head. 

“Yoonbin, what was the point of knocking if you were going to open the door before I could speak?” I teased. The boy turned beet red and shrugged. 

“Um, I thought you would be done.” He finally tore his eyes from my body. “C-can you please put on a shirt now?” He stuttered out, breaking his cold facade. I decided to tease him a little more. I left my shirt on the bed and took long strides towards him. 

He tried to look everywhere but my body. 

He’s so cute.

I reached out and pulled him closer, inhaling the smell of his fresh clothes. I brought my head closer to his neck, breathing softly for only him to hear.

“Y/n, please, don’t-” He whispered quietly in a small voice. I ignored him and softly kissed his neck. His whole body turned stiff and his hands clenched, willing himself to stay still. “Please.” 

Then, I raised my hand and flicked him on the forehead. “OW! What the fuck!?” 

I laughed and pulled the t-shirt over my head. 

“I’m starting to think you had ulterior motives bringing me to your house mister Ha Yoonbin.” I scoffed and turned away from him, who was still dazed from our previous encounter. “Yoonbin, c’mon, you can’t be that hot and bothered, if we stay in here too long, your parents will think we’re fooling around up here.”

Yoonbin then snapped out of it and followed me to the door.

“You’re something else.” He mumbled, a blush still apparent on his face. I smirked and shook my head. “And no, I did not have ulterior motives, it was an accident, ok?” I rolled my eyes but before I could say anything, he opened the door to walk downstairs. 

Immediately, we ran into his mom. 

“Changed already? Good, good. Now, I’m sorry to say this but we don’t have a spare room since we painted it this morning and it’s all stinky and chemical-smelling so you’ll have to stay in Yoonbin’s room, if that’s alright with you.” 

I felt my body freeze at those words. What kind of parent would let their child sleep in a room with the opposite sex? Or with anybody really? 

“That’s fine.” Yoonbin replied quickly. I almost glared at him. Almost. But instead I nodded at his mom.

“Ah, that’s fine.” 

His mom nodded and winked at me. “I trust you guys, but if you do anything, just please, be quiet.” 

I felt blood rush to my face in embarrassment and a sudden shyness and wonder in front of his mom.

“Mom! Oh my god, it’s not like that.” Yoonbin shouted with two red blotches on his cheeks. His mom giggled and hit him on the shoulder.

“Just joking!” She winked at me. Oh gosh, she thinks it’s like that. “Oh! We also heat up some fried chicken for you just in case you were hungry!” She picked up the bag she had on the floor and plopped it in my hands.

“Goodnight kids, and nice meeting you y/n.” 

“Thanks for letting me stay here.” I said before she could leave. All of a sudden, she got a soft look in her eyes. 

“Anytime, honey. Anytime. As a mom, I can’t leave a child lonely. It’s not in our blood.” She  patted me softly on the head and nodded to Yoonbin before heading to her room.

I felt my eyes well up with tears at her kind gestures. First they let me stay in their house, then they give me clothes, food, and love. 

Something I never received much of.

“C’mon.” Yoonbin guided me to his room and set down the bag of chicken on his table. I wiped my tears hurriedly so he wouldn’t see them, but they were falling out like raindrops. 

“Why are you crying?” He whispered gently. I suddenly broke, hearing his soft voice. He wrapped his arms around me, shaking me back and forth to calm me down. 

“Your parents... they’re just so nice.” I cried out. I felt the boy pat me on the back slowly. His hug was tight, yet I could tell he was scared of breaking me. I pushed him away slightly to wipe my face with the tissues he gave me.

Yoonbin gave me a gentle smile. “They are.” He rubbed the back of my head gently and pressed his lips against it as well.

“Um, m-my dad... he.” I took a deep breath, unable to finish my story. He then patted my back softly. “It’s fine, I don’t have to know if you don’t feel comfortable or ready to tell me. I’ll be here for you.” 

I felt more tears spill onto the floor with his words. 

“Do you wanna eat the chicken now or tomorrow morning?” My stomach felt like it was going to eat itself, but my eyes felt like they were going to shut any minute. 

“Tomorrow.” I whispered. He nodded and placed it in the bathroom so we wouldn’t be able to smell it. 

He started to take some blankets and set them on the ground. 

“What are you doing?” I questioned out loud. He looked at me like I was dumb. 

“Um, setting up a makeshift bed.” I shook my head and stopped him. “No, I don’t sleep with that many blankets, I’ll be fine.” Yoonbin gave me a weird look before laughing.

“Y/n, I’m sleeping on the ground. You’re sleeping on the bed.” My eyes widened in surprise while he pinched my cheek. “You’re so cute.” He mumbled. 

I pretended to ignore that, unable to say anything when he was the one teasing me.

“Are you sure? I don’t mind sleeping on the ground.” Yoonbin rolled his eyes, not even listening to my words. “Positive. Now sleep, you look like you’ve aged 60 years from just today.” I rolled my eyes, but I knew he was right.

Soon, Yoonbin rolled in his bed and stopped moving. I bundled up in his bed, inhaling his scent on it. I wiggled around on the bed, feeling like I was sleeping on clouds. 

“Thank you, Yoonbin. For everything.” I whispered, not thinking he could hear me.

A few moments later, I heard him whisper back “you’re welcome”. 

❀ ❀ ❀

I woke up to a loud alarm. 

It wasn’t even a song, it was just a loud beeping noise. 

“Yoonbin, turn it off!” I whisper-shouted. The boy groaned and searched for his phone. I rolled out of bed and sighed. “Do we have school today?” The boy yawned and nodded.

I laid back in bed. “Can’t I just skip?” I mumbled. Yoonbin pulled me out and shook his head with a grin. 

“Nope.” He guided me towards the bathroom and took something out of his cabinet. “That’s a spare toothbrush. You’re welcome to use it.” 

Suddenly, I broke into my normal routine, feeling at ease with Yoonbin by my side. 

I decided to go to school in the clothes Yoonbin’s mom gave to me. 

I already knew school was going to be hell, like it always was, but I felt better with Yoonbin with me. He made me feel safe, secure, and like I had a friend.

“Ok, first things first, no one can know we’re living together. And second, nothing has changed about us now that we live together, ok? If we stick together like glue, people will definitely think we are dating. And that cannot happen.” Yoonbin spat. I felt my heart hurt at his harsh words.

What would be so wrong with dating me?

I didn’t bother to ask and just nodded my head, trying to hide the sadness in my face. 

Do something y/n would do, don’t be sad.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Okay weirdo, I’ll stay away from you. I do owe you one anyways.” Yoonbin nodded, almost surprised that I agreed so easily. 

As we walked towards the school, Yoonbin walked a bit faster than me. I felt empty once he left my side. 

Soon, Yedam and Jihoon caught up with him. I swear, these boys come out of nowhere. Jihoon then looked back to me and waved. I gave him an awkward wave back.

“Hey, y/n, how’re you doing?” Jihoon asked. I was confused for a second, wondering if Yoonbin told him my homeless situation. 

Yedam nodded rapidly. “Oh yeah, that hit you took to Yoonbin’s body was pretty bad, as well as that fall. Are you better now?” 

Oh, they were talking about that. 

I laughed and nodded. “Oh yeah, I feel fine now. It wasn’t really too bad when I got hit, more surprising than anything.” That answer seemed to calm the two boys.

“Hey, Yoonbin!” Suddenly, a girl popped in front of Yoonbin. “Did you do that homework sheet from Mrs. Hong over the weekend? It was absolute torture.” A girl I noted who was in my computer science class asked him. She had long brown hair and big doe eyes. She was stunning, but also nerdy. Probably more of Yoonbin’s type than me.

The boy smiled goofily and put his hands in his pockets. “Uh yeah, it was terrible. I hated every second of it.” The girl laughed and held his arm while she did, something girls did when they liked a guy. 

“Yeah, like she wants us to fail or something! Anyways, you going to the skate park this weekend? I mean.. I know you went on Friday but...” Her eyes flickered over to me and suddenly, I felt awkward. 

Yoonbin’s eyes followed her’s and he shook his head rapidly. “Oh no, we’re not together. That was an accident, uh, she fell on me. You know Changbin, he’s clumsy and accidentally tripped her. I barely know her.” The girl laughed and brought her hand to his arm again. I felt my blood boil as he looked at her with kind eyes.

“Oh that’s funny! Anyways, see you later today then?” He nodded rapidly and I saw him gulp nervously. The bell rang and she took his hand.

“Of course. Um, let me walk you to class.” He mumbled. 

Then they were gone. 

Yedam and Jihoon were still on both sides of me, watching the same scene play out in front of me.

“Y/n, he doesn’t like her, not really, he’s just-” I held up my hand and rubbed the back of my neck. Jihoon looked at me with sad eyes.

“It’s fine, I know he didn’t think of me that way anyways. I didn’t expect anything.” I lied. I thought our entire relationship had changed over night. 

I was wrong. 

I barely know her. I heard his words echo throughout my mind.

I felt tears sting my eyes but I blinked them away. 

“Whatever, let’s just get this day over with.” I walked ahead of the boys who were obviously distressed, but I had no time to ease other’s pain when I didn’t know how to ease my own. 

❀ ❀ ❀

Lunch rolled around soon enough. I walked into the lunchroom, seeing Yoonbin, Yedam and Jihoon laughing and gooding around a their table.

I grabbed my tray of food and started to walk over to them. 

“Hey, guys! What’s up?” The same girl came out of nowhere and sat at their table. Yedam and Jihoon’s faces brightened immediately, easing her into their conversation. It was a very different experience when I had sat at their table. 

I felt my heart drop as they laughed with her, talked with her, and welcomed her as their own. Yoonbin’s face was smiley and giggling with her. As it should be.

People like her, smart, kind, bubbly girls deserved to be with boys like Yoonbin. She was someone who could make him smile. Someone who could bring him out of his shell. 

I turned around, tears threatening to fall from my eyes, and dumped my tray in the trash.

And then I ran out the back door of the building.

❀ ❀ ❀

He never liked you. You can’t really be mad at him. 

I chanted in my head. 

I just ditched school and I felt amazing about it. The warm air hit my shoulders as summer was approaching. 

It was a beautiful day.

It was unfortunate my mood was so sad. 

I felt a buzz in my pocket and I pulled out my phone. 

‘where were you during lunch?’ -yoonbin

‘on a walk outside’ I lied.

‘...why didn’t you sit with us?’

‘i thought you told me to leave you alone.’ 

I saw him typing which made my anxiety buildup. 

‘i didn’t think you would listen’

‘well now im listening, aren’t you supposed to be thinking me?’ I snapped over text. I saw the familiar dots appear.

‘well ... thanks i guess’

I didn’t bother responding. 

❀ ❀ ❀

I found myself walking back to Yoonbin’s house for some odd reason. I sighed and saw my car sitting in the driveway. I thought about how easy it would just to run away. 

“Y/n? Hey, what are you doing back so early?” I jumped up at the voice. I turned and saw Yoonbin’s mom staring at me with a smile on her face. “Doesn’t school end in a couple more hours?”

I felt my mind try to cough up some lies. “Oh yeah, I had a bad headache after lunch so I decided to go home. I couldn’t focus anyways.” I lied. His mom frowned. 

She brought her hand up to my forehead. “You’re warm, must be getting a fever.” She sighed and opened the door for me. “You should’ve told Yoonbin to drive you home. He doesn’t focus in class anyways.” I chuckled and shook my head.

“It’s fine. I don’t feel too bad.” She sighed and patted me on the back. “Go get some rest honey.” I turned walk to Yoonbin’s room, but turned back around.

“Um, by the way, thank you a lot for letting me stay here. I’ll be out your hair soon.” Instead of saying ‘you’re welcome’ quickly, the woman stared at me until I started to feel holes in my face. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with your home life, but I could never let you go home knowing you aren’t safe.” She then took my hands and patted them gently. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like. I know Yoonbin seems like a pain in the booty, but he’s really a nice kid. You’re the first girl he has taken home, and he rarely even lets his guy friends in the house. He’s quite secretive like that.” She winked at me and then shooed me along. “Now rest child.” 

I nodded and fell face flat into Yoonbin’s bed, trying to hold back my tears.

From the sadness, anger, and happiness all surrounding me. 

“Go to your room.”

“Why?! I want to eat chocolate cake!” The cake was swiped off the table immediately. I gasped and tried not to shrink back in fear, but it didn’t work. 

“You don’t deserve cake! You’re getting bad grades in all your classes! And you’re only 8 years old, you’ll be a disappointment when you’re older. GO!” My father yelled at me. His face turned red and spit splattered all over the floor. 

I started to cry and ran to my room. 

I felt myself cry at the memory, hoping I had found a better family.

❀ ❀ ❀

“Get up!” I felt the blanket being stripped away from me, making me shiver at the air. “GET UP!” I felt someone shaking me, which made me roll over. 

“Why are you waking me up?” I asked numbly. 

Yoonbin tsked and tried to sit me up. “You’re going to get sick germs all over my bed, my mom said you were sick. And I hate when sick people sleep in my bed.” I rolled my eyes and stumbled out of the bed. I could feel my forehead was burning when his cold hand pressed against my face. 

“You have a damn fever. Ugh, you ruin everything!” I stood in silence as Yoonbin threw his sheets off his bed. “First, you ruin my perfectly normal, humble life and make it a big shit show! Then you ruin my afternoon with a girl that is actually normal?! What did I even do to deserve this?” He spat, falling on his bed. He covered his face with his hands.

I didn’t know how to respond as I was feeling groggy. I guess lying about being sick gets me sick. Karma. 

“First of all, I didn’t ruin anything of yours. Second, why didn’t you just go out with that girl!? It’s not like I was stopping you!” I shouted. He stumbled at my volume. He then stood and glared down at me.

“Because my mom said that you were fucking sick! And that I had to come take care of you like you’re a baby or something!” 

“Well, I didn’t ask you to be here so why don’t you just leave!?” I felt my head throb at every word I said and every word I heard. 

Yoonbin laughed maniacally. “Leave?! This is my house, y/n, if you didn’t know!” 

I grabbed my keys and said, “fine, then I’m leaving. I can’t stay here and look at you!” I turned towards the door but he jumped in front of me. 

Usually, I let him do this, but this time, I shoved him out of the way and glared at him. “Why?” I whispered suddenly, shocking even me.

He furrowed his brows at me. “Why what?”

“Why did you even let me stay here?” 

The boy shrugged and avoided my gaze. “I don’t know. I really don’t but I regret it now.” 

I pulled my lips together and scrunched my nose around. It felt like neither of us were breathing and the only thing I heard were out heartbeats, or just mine. 

Then, I sighed and opened the door.

“Fine then.”

His parents were nowhere in sight when I left the house. 

“Y/n, what are you doing?” 

“LEAVING, DUMBASS, WHAT DO YOU THINK?” I shouted loudly, letting my feelings out. He looked distraught at me moving to get in the car.

“Wait, wait! Just wait, just listen!” He tried to stop me, but I shoved him away. Tears filled my eyes as he stared at me with sad eyes.

“Just stop, Yoonbin. Haven’t you done enough? You’re already ignoring me at school, don’t you realize I have no friends? No family? No one!? I literally have no one but you right now and...” I shrugged while laughing. 

“And that’s nowhere to being enough.” I said softly. I stood against the car, willing my tears away. I looked up at Yoonbin, and he wasn’t even shedding a tear.

“Goodbye, Yoonbin.” 

I got in my car and drove away.

And he didn’t try and stop me.

❀ ❀ ❀

I didn’t know where I was going. 

I drove aimlessly in the cold air with a throbbing headache and tears falling down my eyes.

I drove until my hands hurt. 

And I drove until my gas ran out. 

“Shit!” I yelled while hitting my steering wheel. I pulled over quickly and parked at an abandoned skate park. 

Of course, it just had to be a skate park. Just another thing to remind me of Yoonbin.

It was pitch black at this point and I hadn’t eaten anything in two days. I was going to die and I wasn’t even sure if that was going to be a problem with me.

I hit my head. No, don’t think like that. Don’t ever think like that.

I pulled out a blanket I always kept in my backseat and leaned my chair back. 

I was always alone. I had to do things alone. How did I ever think I would get a stable family with a stable life?

I closed my eyes and fell asleep. 

❀ ❀ ❀

I only had enough money for gas. 

I had enough juice in my phone to look up the nearest gas station and filled up my tank. I was sad to see I hadn’t gotten any messages from Yoonbin or even Jihoon, anyone, but it was expected. 

Everyone pushed me out of their lives anyways.

“Hey girlie, you driving out here alone?” I fought the urge to roll my eyes. 

“Yes I am.” I said curtly while getting back in my car. I drove off before he could do anything else. 

I looked in my wallet and saw the 5 dollar bill and a few quarters. 

I had to go back. I had to set down my pride and do what was right for my health. No longer my mental health, but my physical.

I drove back on the same road, regretting every second I was driving. 

I parked my car and got out. I placed my hand on my chest before knocking on the door. I felt my heartbeat pick up as I waited for a response. 

In about one minute, the door opened. 

I swallowed my scream as my father pulled me inside

❀ ❀ ❀

He was sober. 

I wish he was drunk. 

He got clumsy when he was drunk. 

He was precise when he was sober. 

I felt a hit on my head, making me fall to the ground. I gasped at the pain. It hurt 10 times worse when I was sick.

“YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST LEAVE AND THEN COME BACK? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” He grabbed my flimsy sleeve and pushed me backwards, making me hit the counter. I hissed in pain at the sound of my shoulder hitting the marble.

“YOU COULDN’T EVEN SURVIVE ON YOUR OWN, YOU’RE WEAK. AND STUPID!” He laughed in my face while clutching his knuckles. I felt another slap hit my face, causing me to bite my tongue. 

Beginner’s move. 

I spat the blood on the ground out of instinct. 

“YOU ANIMAL, THAT’S DISGUSTING! CLEAN IT UP!” He picked me up by my hair and made me stare at him. I tried to ignore the dirt caked underneath his fingernails as he slid them against my face. 

I held in my tears, but they came naturally at the pain.

“Crying? How pathetic.” He spoke sternly. I tried to hide them, but it was no use. He already saw. “I didn’t raise someone so pathetic.”

I left my pepper-spray and taser at Yoonbin’s house. 

I teared up even harder, knowing he wasn’t even looking for me. He was probably glad I was gone. I coughed loudly, trying to hide my sobs.

I felt him drop me on the ground and followed by kicking me. I grunted at the pain. He kicked me again.

And again.

And I don’t know how many times. 

I felt my vision blur and I lost count if it was him hitting me or was it me just imagining the kick as they came at a constant pace. 

I closed my eyes, feeling the fight in me give up.

Right at that moment, a bright light blinded me and I flinched to avoid it. 

I felt no more kicks as I heard grunting and ringing in my ears. I felt someone pick me up and carry me away. Like I was floating in the air.

“You’re okay, you’re okay.” Someone yelled in my face. 

“You’re going to be okay.” The same voice said. 

“Y-yoonbin?” I mumbled out. I caught a glimpse of the face as I pried open my eyes.

“No, it’s Jihoon.”

Then.

It.

All. 

Went.

Black.

❀ ❀ ❀

White.

All I saw was white. 

Being in the darkness for so long, you forget what the color looks like.

“She’s awake, she’s fine. No major injuries.” A feminine but stern voice said. 

My vision was blurry as I tried to force my eyes open.

“Ssh, don’t force yourself.” The soft voice said once more. I blinked rapidly and suddenly a full force of colors came flying at me. 

I saw a smiling Jihoon staring down at me.

I couldn’t help but smile back.

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” He mumbled while patting my head brotherly. I tried to give him a small smile, but it came out forced. 

“Thank you.” I whispered. He nodded. I looked around the room and saw Yoonbin’s parents sitting there. I gave them a small smile as his mom patted my leg. 

“I’m glad you’re safe now. You almost gave us a heart-attack.” The woman tried to keep her tone hushed, but it still came out kind of loud. 

“He’s in the bathroom.” 

I stared at Jihoon. 

“Yoonbin, he’s in the bathroom.”

I felt a rise of nervousness run through my body at the name. 

Soon enough, the door flung open.

Yoonbin stood and stared at me with wide eyes. He was wearing a baby blue sweater and looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days.

As we locked eyes, I felt the whole world stop. 

“Um, we will be waiting outside.” Yoonbin’s dad said as the three of them stepped outside. 

Yoonbin took careful steps towards me, like he was afraid of me running away.

I scoffed. “You’re being too cautious, it’s not like you.” I joked. 

Suddenly, tears started to flow down his face. He sat down in the chair next to me and held my hand tightly. I didn’t tell him it hurt; he seemed to need the comfort more than me.

“Yoonbin-”

“I’m sorry.” He breathed out. His speaking was deeper than usual and he had to force words out. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He chanted while tugging at my hands a little harder. “I should’ve-” I held up my hand to stop him.

“Stop right there. You can’t change what already happened.” I said sternly. He didn’t seem comforted by my words as his tears fell harder. 

“I’m sorry.” He buried his head on my stomach. I patted his head gently as he sobbed even harder. 

As he pulled away, he cleared his throat, needing to tell me something.

So I took the change to speak first.

“Why did you flirt with that girl?” I deadpanned. 

He paused and wondered who I was talking about. “Oh, you mean Sooyoung? I don’t know, I guess I... I don’t know... good practice?” I rolled my eyes at his dumb answer. 

“Then why didn’t you flirt with me?” He calmly looked in my eyes as he told me the answer.

“Because... it feels too real when I flirt with you.”

We said nothing for a few moments, enjoying each other’s company as well as wondering what the other was thinking.

Then, he grasped my hand tightly. “Y/n, I know I’ve been a jerk to you, and an asshole, and just a dumbass, but...” He took a deep breath, like he as struggling to say the words. I’ll admit, I was amused. “But I realize now that I like you, and a lot. And I know I’m bad at showing my feelings, but this is all so new to me and I’ve been a jerk, but I’m willing to change.”

He cleared his throat and looked me in the eyes. 

“So, um, yeah, I like you. What is your response?” He said awkwardly. I gave him a small, yet sad, smile.

“Yoonbin...” I trailed off which made him flinch. “I like you too...” He gave me a tight smile which broke my heart.

“I hear a but coming...”

“But I just can’t right now... you’ve hurt me so many times, Yoonbin. So many. Not even romantically, but also as a friend. So right now I just can’t, I’m sorry.” I spoke softly, careful to speak my words gently. 

His head was down for a second, but he lifted it slowly with a sad smile.

“I expected that. I know I was a douche.” I nodded. “Totally.” I agreed.

We laughed about it until he looked at me seriously.

“Ok, you might not trust me now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn to trust me.” I raised a brow and slunk back in my bed.

“I’m going to fight for you. Just like how you tried to fight for me and tried to get me to be your friend. It’s my turn to fight for you

because you deserve to be fought for.” He sounded proud as he said those words, like he really meant them. There was a competitive glint in his eyes which meant he was serious. 

I held in my tears at his  passionate words, but a few dropped from my eyes.

He wiped the stray tears, yet some still stained the white bed.

“Do you really mean that?” I whispered softly. He smiled. 

“I mean it. One thousand percent. I’ll make sure you’ll come back to me, you’re too good for me to lose.” He said cockily. I let out a burst of laughter and ruffled his hair. 

“I’m holding you to that, skater boy.” He nodded and held my head close to his.

“I never liked skater boys anyways. Do you think you can change my mind on that too?”

“I promise.”

[the-lupine-sojourner]

Takara’s Hero Academia, Season 2 Episode 2 [Eijiro Kirishima/OC] [Female!Aizawa/Hizashi]

Okay, so here we finally are. I feel like it’s been forever since I updated this story. Sorry! 

Anyway, um, I do now have a Patreon, in case anyone wants to actually pay me to write or whatever. Seriously, though, don’t feel pressured to do anything with this. I am just seeing if anything will come out of this. 

Moving on, I’ll do the taglist. @elite-guard-hardygal @dailyojiromashirao @souskena and @fandoms-fandoms-everywhere99 . I apologize for not having this up last night!! I thought I’d be able to sit down and get it done but then I ended up getting sidetracked and then it was midnight and--whoops. I might post what I did instead later. It’s kinda cool! Hardygal knows what it is, lol. XD

Okay, so lemme add the link for this series’ Masterlist! 

Okay, now let’s get to the story! :)

God Bless and Good Day! 

~The Lupine Sojourner

By the time the final bell rang, I was exhausted.

I yawn and stand, gathering my things up before Eijiro grabs them and slips them into my backpack for me, and I blush a little. He was still distracting me! I thought I was going to try to pull myself together around him! Regardless, I smile.

“Thanks, but you really don’t have to keep doing this kind of thing for me…” I mumble, scratching the back of my neck. Eijiro shrugs.

“I want to.” He replies and my blush goes a few shades darker.

“O-oh…” I mumble. “Okay.” Then, Ochaco opens the door.

“Uhh...why the heck are you all here!?” I look up and see the doorway packed with students.

“Do you students have some business with our class?” Tenya asks. No one replies. I shift awkwardly, shrinking back a little into my seat. The spotlight wasn’t something I was used to. If I had to guess, they’re here to scout out the class that’s fought villains...greeeaaaattt.

“Why are you blocking the doorway?” The class pervert asks. “I won’t let you hold us hostage!” I roll my eyes. Like he could do anything about it. Katsuki, backpack over his shoulder, stalks toward the door.

“They’re scouting out the competition, idiots.” He growls. “We’re the class that survived a real villain attack. They wanna see us with their own eyes.” I gulp, standing. If he was leaving, I should, too. I needed to find Mom and Dad, anyway. Eijiro takes my backpack and walks toward the door with me. I smile gratefully at him. “At least know you know what a future pro looks like.” Katsuki continued. I roll my eyes, the smile dropping.

“Katsuki, enough. We’re all striving to be heroes. Technically, that makes us all potential future pros. Stop.” I call, but it doesn’t make a difference.

“Now move it, extras!” Katsuki snaps as the crowd goes quiet.

“Katsuki!” I bark, hobbling over.

“You can’t just go around calling people extras just because you don’t know them!” Tenya interjects, his arms waving wildly in his emotional state. I open my mouth to add my own lecture, but then a voice rings out and I freeze.

“So this is Class 1-A.” It was Hitoshi! “I heard you guys were impressive, but you just seem like an ass.” He was talking to Katsuki as he made his way through the crowd as I crutch over.

“Shinso!” He never liked me calling him ‘Hitoshi’ in public. He smiles briefly at me, nodding subtly, then turns back to Katsuki.

“You know this clown?” Katsuki growls. I glare at him.

“Yeah. We went to middle school together.” It was a reason I know his name, at least. I didn’t need to go further and embarrass Hitoshi.

“I was sad to come here and find a bunch of egomaniacs in her class.” He continues, sighing a little and rubbing the back of his neck.

“It’s just how Katsuki is,” I defend, “but seriously. Not all of us are like him.” Katsuki glares at me. Hitoshi closes his eyes.

“I wanted to be in the hero course.” He says to no one in particular...or maybe Katsuki. Or 1-A. I’m not sure. “But, like many others here, I was forced to choose a different track.” I suddenly realize why Shinso was here; part of it might be checking on me, but a larger portion must be him declaring what he intended to do. He wanted to win the Sports Festival or do well enough that he can be moved into the Hero Course, like Mom did when she was in high school. “Such is life.” His eyes narrow at Katsuki, who’s remaining surprisingly calm. “I didn’t cut it the first time around, but I have another chance.” I knew it! “If any of us do well in the Sports Festival, the teachers can decide to transfer us to the Hero Course, and they’ll have to transfer students out to make room.” Oh, no...this was a declaration of war. “‘Scouting the competition’?” Hitoshi asks rhetorically. “Maybe some of my peers are, but I’m here to let you know that if you don’t bring your very best, I’ll steal your spot right out from under you.” Hitoshi tilts his head a little. “Consider this a declaration of war.” I blink.

“Shinso…” I murmur, biting my lip. The rest of the class flinches in shock, but I look at Shinso dead in the eye. Hitoshi was serious, but only glaring at Katsuki, who was glaring back. Was he just acting tough to push himself?

“Hey, you!” Comes a new male voice, and someone else forces their way to the head of the crowd. He had incredibly thick blonde eyelash-looking things around his eyes, with silver hair and a fire in his eyes to match Katsuki’s. Oh, great. Another hothead. “I’m from Class B, right next door to you! We heard you fought some villains and- -oh, shit.” He stops short when he sees my boot and crutch. I sigh and gesture to the boot.

“Yeah, we fought villains.” I reply. “And I got the injuries to prove it.” He takes a step back, then scoffs.

“Well, looks like the rest of your class are brats who think they’re better than us!” He challenges. I roll my eyes and point to my backpack, in Eijiro’s hand.

“That’s my backpack, but it hasn’t been on my shoulders since I got here. Eijiro here was the one who got me out of the villain attack and he’s been helping me ever since. The rest of my class are great people, too. Bakugo’s just...headstrong and doesn’t listen to anything or anyone.” The guy turns to Katsuki.

“Oh, great! Talk all you want, loser! It’ll just be more embarrassing when you’re K.Oed!” Katsuki just scoffs and walks away.

“Don’t you ignore me!” The newcomer roars angrily. I move to get Katsuki, but Eijiro beats me to saying anything.

“Dude, where’re you going?! You gotta say something! It’s your fault everyone’s hating on us, Bakugo!” Katuski just glances over his shoulder.

“These people don’t matter.” He growls.

“Huh!?” Eijiro snaps.

“The only thing that’s important is that I beat them.”

“Katsuki, stop!” I snap. “Yeah, we have to beat them to win, but heroes also need to have good teamwork with others. You need to work on that if you want to be the top.”

“Says who?” Katsuki retorts, then walks away before I can say anything else. The silver-head pops up again.

“Hey! I’m coming for you!” He exclaims. Katsuki ignores him. I go to chase him down and talk sense into him, but then decide against it. Right now, Katsuki’s only focus was winning the Sports Festival. If I were to talk to him, he’d only see it as me trying to undermine his chances somehow.

“I hate that that was such a manly exit…” Eijiro grumbles, clenching his fist. I bite my lip.

“Yeah, but...there’s no way he’ll win the Festival if he pisses everyone off.” I reply.

“Meh. He’ll be fine.” Sero counters.

“Besides, he wasn’t wrong.” Fumikage points out. “We have to beat them.” Kaminari groans.

“Yeah, sure, but this sucks!”

“So let’s prove them wrong.” I call, coming back further into the class room. “Don’t be what everyone thinks we are. We’ll prove them wrong.” Denki groans.

“But he made us everyone’s enemy!”

“Yeah, and all these dumb idiots will be gunning for us in the Festical now.” Mineta adds. I shrug, not looking at that little creep.

“Look, just keep training hard and don’t be an asshole and we’ll prove them wrong.” I retort, looking at Kaminari. He laughs.

“Kinda blunt, Yamada, but I like your style!” I chuckle and wave him away.

“Call me Takara, and thanks.” Eijiro then calls me and puts my backpack beside my desk for me. I notice he’s glaring at Kaminari, so I try to distract him by smiling at him. “Thanks.” The students outside slowly go away, talking about this and that, and I have to restrain myself from giving some big speech about how great my class is because the truth is...I don’t really know them yet. I don’t know enough to definitively stand up and say what I want to say. I then look up as Shinso walks over, giving me a small smile.

“Hey.” I smile back.

“Hey.”

“I’m glad to see you’re better. You had me scared for a moment.” Anyone who didn’t know Shinso might think he’s just saying that. His voice didn’t give much emotion away, but I understood. He meant every word.

“That was some speech.” I note, sighing.

“I meant that, too.” He says, leaning against the desk in front of me and crossing his arms. Most everyone’s left and I wanted to talk to Shinso, anyway, so I stay.

“Don’t lie; you just wanted to see me.” I tease, smiling.

“And what gave you that idea? I just wanted to send my message to 1-A.” He retorts. I roll my eyes, then sigh and pick at my skirt.

“...I’m worried, Shinso.” I confess softly.

“About what?” He asks, brow raised.

“About the Festival, and...and if I’ll be healed enough to prepare myself to fight. I just...my ribs don’t hurt that bad, but my leg still needs work. And I still need to train. A lot. I just...Mom and Dad will be watching. The world will be watching. I want to make a good impression.” Eijiro apparently takes that as a kind of cue, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

“You’ll make a great one!” He assures me, daring to squeeze me close enough to mush our cheeks together. I blush and laugh.

“If you say so.” I reply, squeezing him in return. He straightens up, lets go, and puts a hand on my shoulder.

“But seriously; don’t sweat it. You’ll be great!” I grin and put my hand over his in a moment of boldness. 

“If you say so.” I retort. Eijiro understood the deeper meaning; I support you, but think you’re downplaying yourself too much.. It was somethign we’d done for each other a lot as we approached this school year and the challenge of learning how to be a pro hero. Shinso pushes off the desk.

“Well, it was nice chatting, but I should be going.” He says. I stand, too, and hug him.

“Thanks for coming.” I murmur, drawing away.

“Your friend’s right, Takara; trust yourself. Besides, your parents adore you. No matter what you do in the Festival, their love won’t change.” I nod.

“Yeah, yeah. I just can’t help worrying about this whole thing.” Hitoshi shakes his head, chuckling.

“Don’t.” With that, he shrugs and waves as he walks away. I watch him leave and then pick up my backpack, slinging it over one shoulder, insisting on carrying it this time, despite Eijiro tugging on it.

“I got it. I’m not going far. Just to the teacher’s lounge to find Mom and Dad.” Eijiro pouts.

“Takara, you shouldn’t overdo it.” He mumbles. I smile, adjusting the backpack a little.

“I’m not.” He suddenly leans forward gives me a hug. I wonder where this is coming from, but find that I really like this. His hug is strong, but not overwhelming, steady and warm. I feel so safe and secure, I lose myself for a second and bury my face in his neck. He smells like cologne and men’s bodywash. One of those two things had teatree oil in it, something that made him smell amazing!

I then feel Eijiro stiffen and come back to reality and I blush almost blood red as I release him. Our eyes were so wide, they might have popped if they were balloons. “S-so-sorry!” I stammer, grabbing my crutch and running as quick as I can out of the classroom without using the crutch. Eijiro hadn’t moved, so I had a headstart, managing to get away before he- -”Ow!”

“Oof!” I blink, my leg flaring a bit as I realize I’ve run into somebody. Instantly, I stand and apologize. The person I hit laughs.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. It happens sometimes.” It’s a female, third year if I had to guess. Her Quirk makes her look wolf-like, her fur a mottled grey, black and earthen brown. It was so pretty! Her eyes were sapphire blue on the outside and emerald green on the inside and her tail flicks back and forth mindlessly and I have to remember to talk. It was rude to just stare.

“But still. I’m, um, Takara. Takara Yamada.” Her eyes light up.

“Oh! My dad works with your parents!” I raise a brow.

“Really?” She nods.

“Yeah! Oh, sorry! I’m Asami. Asami Hamato.” I grin.

“Like Hamato-Sensei that teaches the second years’ literature?” Asami laughs.

“Yeah. He might quit after this semester, though. He wants to start a self-defense dojo for people with less, um, combative Quirks.”

“Wow, that’s amazing!” She nods happily.

“Thanks.” She hands me back my crutch. “Here you go.” I take it. She pauses. “Wait...you’re in 1-A, right?” I nod.

“Yeah.” She gestures to my boot.

“This from that USJ incident?” I nod.

“Yeah...turns out your leg breaks when a superhuman grabs it to slam you into your mother.” I tried to sound light, like it was a joke now...but my voice wavered. Asami winces.

“Yikes. I’m glad you’re doing better, then.” I was grateful she didn’t press me for more details as I squirm.

“Thanks. I should probably let you go. It was great meeting you.” Asami smiles.

“Yeah, it was great meeting you, too. Maybe I’ll see you around, okay?” I nod, starting to walk off.

“Yeah.” We wave at each other and I continue on my way. Luckily, Eijiro hadn’t pursued me. I blushed again just thinking about that moment…

What was I thinking?! I’d just...it’d felt so good having his strong arms around me, his warmth making me feel safe and at ease, even if it was just for a moment. And then I went and ruined the mood by sniffing him! Ergh!

Finally, I reach the teacher’s lounge. “Hey, champ!” Dad calls. “I was just gonna come looking for yah!” I walk further into the room.

“Hey. I was just talking a bit with the others before I came up here.” he smiles.

“Okay.” I decided to focus on Asami, not that. I’d never hear the end of it if I told Dad I sniffed someone (especially Eijiro) out of nowhere.

“I met a third year on my way here.” Dad tilts his head.

“Oh? Who are they? I might know her.”

“Asami Hamato.” Dad grins.

“Oh, yeah! Her dad works here; Hamato Yoshi. He’s a nice guy. Kinda quiet, doesn’t say much, and doesn’t hang around the school a lot.” I shrug.

“Asami also said he wants to start a self-defense dojo for people that don’t have very combative Quirks.” Dad’s eyes go wide.

“That’s great!” I grin.

“I know, right?” Dad then grabs his stuff.

“Alright. Shota’s resting on the couch, but it’s time to go, so I’ll get her.” I nod.

=#=#=#=#=

The next few days went quick, and after school, I’d pop in for a little healing. Never anything extreme, but enough that in those few days, I was healed enough that Recovery Girl gave me the okay to start getting back into exercise and training, warning me to take it a little slow at first.

At that particular session (when I was cleared for training), All Might happens by the door. “I didn’t know you still needed healing…” He mumbles, walking slowly into the room. He looked guilty, but I don’t know why.

“Well, I didn’t want to drain my stamina too much because of school and stuff, but, um, yeah...I should be all healed soon, though, right Recovery Girl?” She chuckles.

“Yes, I believe so, now hold still so I can use my Quirk.” I do and find the healing sensation something I’ve gotten used to at this point. I watch Toshin-Oji go into his real form and sigh heavily as he sits on a cot.

“Takara, I...I wanted to say I’m sorry.” I blink as Recovery Girl moves away.

“Wait, what?” I ask, genuinely confused. “What for?”

“I couldn’t be at the USJ because I wasted my time as All Might that morning being heroic. I was stupid and now you, Shota, and Izuku paid the price.” I blink, remembering that Izuku’s legs seemed broken when he leapt out to protect All Might at the USJ. I wince.

“Is Izuku okay?” I ask automatically.

“He’s fine.” Recovery Girl assures me. “Besides broken legs, he only had minor injuries and two broken fingers.” I breathe out.

“That’s good.”

“How’s Shota?” All Might asks, bringing us more or less back to what he’d said. I sigh.

“She’s...coping. It’s not easy for her to adjust to needing to wear casts on both of her arms, but she’s happy she’s not blind.”

“She could have been blinded?!” He asks sharply in shock. I pale. Wrong thing to say!

“...Her orbital floors were pretty badly damaged, but Recovery Girl managed to heal them. She’s fine...or, at least, better then she used to be.” I chuckle awkwardly, and All Might smiles in relief, exhaling.

“That’s great news. Frankly, I was worried about you two, even after I heard you were stable. When I saw you on the ground, caught under Nomu’s foot...I didn’t know what had happened, just that it pissed me off so much I saw red and next thing I knew, I had you in my arms.” I blink. He’d been feeling this way since the incident?

“Toshin-Oji, you really can’t blame yourself- -no, seriously- -the only ones to blame are the villains.” I reply, holding up a hand when he tried to interrupt. “Even during the fight, I knew as long as I could hold out until I got to Recovery Girl, I’d be okay. I knew my injuries were bad, but I always had that notion in the back of my head.” I realize what I’m saying and turn to Recovery Girl. “I mean, not that I assumed you’d help me or anything! I just knew there was a possibility that I’d be healed pretty quickly!” She holds up her hand.

“I knew what you meant, dear. And, unlike another student, I haven’t had to heal you much, so of course I’d help you out. You and your mother were hurt pretty bad. I knew I could help, and I did, so let’s all agree to put this behind us, okay?” I smile.

“Yeah...okay. Toshin-Oji?” He turns his head to look me in the eye. “I love you.” He blinks.

“I love you, too.” He says and I swoop over to hug him. “You truly are a treasure.” He murmurs, squeezing me just a little harder and kissing my temple. I tear up a little in happiness and bury my face in his chest.

“Hey, Tik--...am I interrupting?” Dad asks, trailing off when he saw what was going on. I pull away and smile at Dad.

“Nah, we were just clearing some things up.” I reply, winking at Toshin-Oji. Dad seems to read the subtext and nods.

“I see. Well, Shota’s ready to go, so let’s not keep her waiting, okay?” I nod.

“Okay.” I turn back to the office. “Bye, guys!” I call, waving as I walk out of the room, thankfully not needing my boot. “Thank you, Recovery Girl!” I add.

“Don’t overdo it, dear! Start slow!” She calls back and I nod in acknowledgement.

“Hey, Tik-Tak, there’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about.” Dad says as we walk, and I nod, wondering what he could possibly want to talk to me about.

“Okay.” I prompt. He wraps an arm around my shoulders.

“Shota and I have been talking, and we think it’d be best to move into the faculty facility here on campus. That way, Shota doesn’t have to be driven to work everyday and we all have a bit more independence. Would you want to do that?” I nod.

“Yeah, Mom mentioned you two were toying with the idea, and I told her I could have my stuff packed in, like, two hours. Honestly, I think it’s a good idea!” He ruffles my hair.

“Thanks, Takara. Frankly, I’m using the whole move as a way to help Shota.” He sighs, slumped and looking away. “She’s taking this hard. Villains got the drop on us and she’s still trying to cope.” I blink.

“I...I’d imagine so.” I mumble. “Honestly, I haven’t been sleeping too well, myself. I keep waking up to nothing, feeling on edge for some reason, wondering what woke me, but I’m able to go back to sleep. Sometimes, I swear there’s someone in a room, but when I do the vibration thing, no one’s there.” Dad looks at me somberly, hand on my shoulder.

“That’s completely normal, Musume. Even Shota’s been having nightmares. She keeps waking up, clutching her face and staring around the room with her Quirk active, like she’s looking for enemies. It’s hard to get her to calm down.” I sigh. Figures Mom has her own demons to deal with.

“Maybe we can have movie night? Watch some corny comedy or something?” Dad chuckles.

“Maybe. Or we can ask Toshinori for show suggestions to watch as a family.” I nod eagerly.

“Yeah!” I’m already whipping out my phone and typing up a text as Dad laughs.

“We’ll look up recipes for popcorn and make a night of it. What’dya say?” I grin at him, sending the text.

“I say ‘hell yeah’!” I reply, high-fiving dad. This was a great idea!

Within five minutes, I get a text back.

Toshin-Oji <3:

Well, if you’re looking for something that makes for a good distraction, I’d recommend some of the older movies by an American film studio called Walt Disney. They have an interesting 2-D style in their early works and I find the stories charming. As for shows, I’m not sure...maybe look around and see if something appeals to you all.

I smile. That was an interesting idea, for sure.

=#=#=#=#=

The next day, we were at the fake city from the entrance exam, training. It was a lot of fun, even if I couldn’t really work myself the way I wanted to without making my leg cramp and spasm even after healing the broken bone. It was slowly coming back to normal, though, as I practiced simple kicks and stuff after a really short run to build that muscle back. My ribs forced me to take breaks, as well, if I pushed it too hard, but they were coming along great, too. My phone buzzes as I finish a pretend fight, so I check who the text is from.

Eijiro Kirishima:

Hey, come look at the tall building’s roof!

Confused, I decide to go ahead and walk over. I knew Eijiro was in the same area as me, so I knew which tall building he meant. However, it was so tall, I couldn’t see clearly what I was supposed to see up there. All I saw was a small blurry thing that might be Eijiro.

Me:

Ok, I’m here. What do you want me to see? I can’t really see anything…

Just a few seconds after I sent that, I hear a faint yell and then look up to see- - “Eijiro!” I scream, backing up toward the building make sure I wouldn’t be hit. I knew what he was doing; practicing falling long distances and using his Quirk to survive them. It was just training, but...still. If he didn’t activate his Quirk in time...thankfully, he lands and comes back up almost instantly, thrusting dramatically through the cracked pavement.

“Yyyeeaaahhh!” He roars, grinning wildly at me as he walks over, dusting himself off. His grin then turns into a smirk. “Impressed?” He asks, one hand on his hip, the other on the wall. I snort, blushing a little as he leans in just a little.

“You’re insane. You could have died...but to answer your question...yeah, it was kinda impressive.” I reply with slightly pink cheeks, chuckling and walking away, when Eijiro puts his other hand on the other side of my head. I turn to look at him. His face is intense with some unreadable emotion as he stares at me.

“So...did I smell good?” He asks, leaning in. I blush and lean back against the wall. Where was this coming from!?

“Um...what?” I ask stupidly, my racing mind unable to process what he might be talking about.

“What happened after the final bell yesterday...that hug…” My blush darkens. Oh shit! I’d almost forgotten! I lick my lips.

“I- -I’m so sorry about that!” I squeak, unsure how to take this reaction. Was he mad? Disgusted? He was so hard to read right now… “I, ah, I mean…yeah...you did smell good.” Why was that hard to say? It was a fact, nothing more...right? He then smiles, laughing (I swear he’s blushing, too, though) as he leans back, keeping one hand on the wall. I blush darker and want to sink into the ground.

“Takara, relax! I was just teasing!” He chirps. “But, good to know!” I exhale, then smack his arm.

“You jerk! I thought you were mad at me or something!” That, and I thought maybe...that was leading somewhere- -stoppit! This is not the time for those kind of thoughts! He’s just a friend! Stop!

“Aww, Takara, I could never be mad at you for long!” He replies, patting my arm and moving away.

“Good to know, jerk.” I grumble, the tone undermined by my smirk, then I sigh and nudge him. “You know, you’re a good man, Eijiro.” I mumble, cheeks red again “You didn’t have to help me, but you did, and I want you to know it means a lot to me.” He’s definitely blushing as he walks beside me. I wanted to make sure he knew how much all his help meant to me.

“Takara, I’d do it again. Anytime.” I feel an instinct to hug him but refrain and settle for smiling at him as we walk back toward where the others were training.

“And I’d do it for you.” I reply, just letting myself enjoy this moment. It was two friends affirming their bond...and that’s it…

So why am I blushing?!

(I promise I don’t mean to keep forcing KiriKara down your throat but most of these moments write themselves. Hope y’all don’t mind! (: Can’t wait to show you all the Sports Festival!)

[summerinsacramento-blog1]

Seeing the forest when you’re stuck in the trees

One week later, I feel rationally better. My heart hasn’t caught on, but I don’t feel the deep sting I felt before. Now, it’s a numb little tingling that I can ignore. Every day, it’ll sting less and less, but its probably gonna be a point of sadness I hold for years when I remember what 22 felt like. And that’s fine. I have years to heal and move on. I turn 23 in 27 days. That can be the night I officially start a new chapter. One without my last love, but a year where hopefully I feel self-love that I never felt before.

With that said, I am writing this while listening to The Weeknd’s new album about how hes heartbroken for the umpteenth time, so we’ll see how this goes. My friend said I should actually listen to this now, as its what I need. Ricky if youre reading this and I hate myself after this, it’s on you.

This is the story of a young boy who is processing heartbreak in a new city, new career, and a new frame of mind. This is the story of what I have learned in the last week, when my life was pulled out from under me in what I believe will be the best possible way. It sucks now, but I’ve learned something, tangentially related to the relationship.

The title

In order to understand this, I want to start by letting you see who I am. I graduated from college in 2017. It hasn’t even been a year since I stopped living my life in terms of “you have 3 months to prove yourself, go.” Until today, I never realized just how much that had affected the way of life I was living.

My mentor today totally slapped the shit out of me with this one: “Stop thinking in the now. Do what will make you happy 10 years from now. Everything is else is just experience. Not everything has to work.”

That man met me 4 hours ago as I type this, and he’s managed to being me back from a stage of confusion to clarity.

He then hit me with this one: youre not playing with the same rules anymore as when you were in college.  You’ve been living on 3 month blocks of time. You need to learn to work towards a deep future, which you do not have the vision for now.

It hit me immediately that he’s right. For the 5 years since I left home, I have essentially lived my life in such a microscopic scale that I never learned how to see past the tree I was currently on. I lived life climbing a tree, seeing what was coming, and walking to that… but that means that I followed a track. I went from class to class, job to job, woman to woman, hoping to get what I wanted, but the thing is

You can only see trees that are in your field of vision that way, and this is incredibly slow.

Also,

this assumes you want to stay in the forest.

I’ve been thinking about this all day, because I need to learn how to think that way and get off the trees and start walking. I need to go to town and make friends that will last years here. I know I have the same feelings in Phoenix (more on that down the road), but I can’t leave myself with no options in Sacramento. I don’t even mean romantically here. What if I still don’t know what I want? What if I make a Friend in Sacramento with a haircut business and he trains me to be his recruiter? What if I meet a young couple in Sacramento, and they pass me all of their furniture because they’re leaving the city to start a new life? What if I meet a kid in Sacramento who needs a mentor and I commit to making his life better? What if I meet a woman in Roseville who runs a night club and she wants to pay me to be a stripper?  What if I what if I what if I what if I get out of the house and find out.

Both he and my trainer have pointed out to me that I cannot rely on my job to bring me happiness, I have to make it on my own, and I have every intention to. I will be leaving my apartment in 3 weeks and moving to the city. Density is the greatest asset of a city; the only finite resource you have is time. So Im starting a journey of self discovery. I’m joining the sister chapter to the club I loved the most while at Arizona State. I joined a volleyball league. I’m going to every work social from here out for young people – I refuse to wallow in the sadness anymore. I already told the girl I loved all the good and the bad. Everything from here on out is overkill. I won’t be sad, as itll sully the memories of the times we weren’t. Don’t be fooled, I am hurt, but I am taking it as a good hurt instead of sinking to the dark place I was in 2016.

 Speaking of 2016: The Dark Descent of Drunk Depressed Jairo

(For the sake of the other people in this story, I am changing names. If you are my friend and know, cool, but I don’t want to breach their privacy as I share mine)

This story actually starts in 2015, and I sat on it for a long time. It was during an event I ran. Three powerful figures that still mar my self-conscious were there. Girl 1 was texting me throughout the day. Girl 2 and 3 were there. I don’t want to drop too many details, but I remember thinking “Girl 3 is super nice, but I shouldn’t hit on her because she won’t appreciate it.” I had been trying to get at Girl 2 for weeks. Girl 1 was dumb as all hell for being interested in me and getting me first down the line.

I dated Girl 1 for a year. The second half of that year was the most miserable point of my existence. I remember I asked my friends if I should leave at month 5. They said I needed to give her time, and I suffered for 6 more. All this time, I kept having constant desires to leave her for Girl 2 (I NEVER acted on these. It was more of a “why does this girl treat me better than the one who claims to love me?), and she was jealous of Girl 2. I can’t blame her. My 21st bday was during that time, and after ending things I started being a degenerate in plain view of everyone. I am not proud.

But it was okay, I was on a high tree and I knew the kind of tree that I would climb. Drunk me wanted to climb, and there are entire weeks of my life where I drank every day.

Give it like 2 months, and I was starting to talk to this girl, I’ll call her girl 4. I thought that was the tree I would climb next – and boy did I try. We even agreed to go on a date. It never happened though, because in the days in between, I definitely linked up with Girl 2, sort of fast. Just as fast things ended.

Anyway I managed to fall from two trees in like 3 weeks, and I was going nuts for 6 months after. This is where the spiral took off. My grades took damage and I lost interest in most things, and I was so hurt that my search for my future was taking so long, and I kept getting hurt while trying. Why was this forest so thorny? I gained like 20 pounds in liquor weight, which I barely got rid of recently.

That is, until I linked up with Girl 3 once again in 2017 and this time by accident. We were together for what are the happiest days of my life so far. There will be better days, but I haven’t seen them yet. At least not so concentrated. Whatever it was though, I loved her for who she was for a year, and I want to believe she genuinely loved me back.  It did hurt, however, that I always told her the above story, and I would say that I finally picked the right girl. I was on the right tree.

As of last week we know that isn’t true. She cut off the tree under me, but she did it at the right time. And actually, it was on the 3rd anniversary of the day those three girls flowed together into my life.

I was sad because I was on the ground. Tired of climbing and thinking I finally climbed the tallest tree in the forest and found the best spot, only to tumble.

But there was another force at play that I never saw coming. Her name is Girl 0. There is no romance there, we are just good friends, or rather, were. Eight years ago – she was my best friend in 8th grade before we drifted apart. She came back into my life to make sure I was okay, and in the past 6 days we’ve rapidly realized that were good friends still. That gave me so much perspective. Time moves on for everyone, but my best friend from middle school and I collabed for another album ten years later, and with no resentment. She’s coming to my 23rd birthday and that’s exciting!

I also realized that I no longer have resentment for G1 ort G2 since almost 2 years have passed, and I won’t resent G3 at some point. Well, I don’t resent her the same, but one day I’ll either stop missing her, or will feel differently than now – I can freely admit she was the most special girl of my life, and she’ll be a tough act to follow. I kind of wish me moving 800 miles didn’t drive us apart, but I’m also glad it did because now I have to force myself to walk along this forest, no matter how scared I am. I will grow from this. G4 is engaged now, to the boy that she would link up with after me. I’m happy for her, genuinely.

  Regardless, that was the lesson I needed. I need to step down from the trees. Its time I start walking and stop looking for anything in particular short term. I can’t go through this forest one tree at a time. I need to pick a direction and walk it. That’s scary because I don’t know the future, but it was scary before, and I made little progress. Maybe this scary time is what I need. Maybe I need to just keep going and remember that the first 18 years didn’t count, the next 4 were a trial period, and the most recent 1 was me playing with the rules that no longer worked. I got X amount of years left, and I gotta make them count.

 On a similar note, I would like to thank every single person who came out in support of me. You guys are the best, and your friendships, some way old and some way young, have helped me remember that I am loved, and that I am never truly alone.

On another note: The Weeknd’s album was okay and did not make me feel sad. The man almost gave Selena Gomez a kidney though, so maybe he was in deeper love than I was.

On another nother note: If you take the height of the 8 girls I consider exes and plot it, it makes a sine wave with an average around 5’4”. If the pattern holds, the next girl I date has to be taller than me. We’ll see, but maybe I’ll start climbing again, just differently now.

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode #9: “i hope that i'm out of the pickle and eating the... pickle” - Daisy

how i feel about merge: https://66.media.tumblr.com/68a1cf13a1ea5ca8ec0c6c8a044f92ad/fdb9160ed3342b6d-08/s500x750/a71a511c4f332aba10424d15b5e074bc9bbe5e0d.gifv

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Click HERE to watch Daisy’s Video!

Click HERE to watch Rob’s Video! Click HERE to watch another of Rob’s Videos!

So here is my i guess merge confessional! LOOK WHAT I DID! I MADE THE MERGE HEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Voting cindi out last round was very sad but very needed, i think she was looking to have fun and cause chaos but i need some stability in my life rn, crackhead seamus has not came out yet and he can’t yet LMAO. so what happened is as soon as we merged Szymon approached me and wanted to call, and pretty much went on a rant about how annoying Rob is and how everyones so far up his ass, and that HE HAS THE IDOL!!!! And that Szymon wants me daisy and jules to start working together which i was like OH I LIKE THIS. Going into merge i wanted to reconnect with rob, and then keep my alliances with daisy and gage and try and just use them as shields to get into deep merge and then start causing shit.

In terms of my thoughts on everyone…. Gage i am very torn about. Because he is the person i am closest to on a personal level but i think game wise he just is rlly desperate to not lose. I offered him a f2 on our last tribe which i do intend on keeping my word on, but then as soon as we merge i just felt kinda off about him? And he formed a new alliance with Szymon Rob and Conor and didnt say nothing to me or tried to include me. Szymon leaked it tho and so im like oh ok i see i see. I think he is trying to have his hand in everyones cookie jar, but knowing he wants everything is off putting from an ally stance. But also last night he opened up a bit with me and i think he genuinely does wanna work with me, just perhaps not with Daisy. so i am trying to figure out like what is the right move with Gage, is he someone who can actually commit? and will he defend me if people like rob or conor suggest voting me? idk, but i hope he would.

Daisy: my relationship with Daisy is really strong. I think we have a lot in common personally and game wise we mesh really well. Coming in from embb10 i wasnt sure how we would work together but so far so good. everyday she makes me laugh and i want to keep working with her. Supposedly people are painting us two as a duo but i also think if people targeted us they would choose Daisy over me at this point which means i can embrace and keep working with her however openly i wish. Daisy i think also wants to more so work with Szymon and Jules which is fine by me. I think us 3/4 can work really well, it’s just about finding the right time to possibly take a shot at someone.

Szymon: i wasnt sure how i felt about Szymon at the beginning. Sometimes i thought he was annoying, other times i just thought he was being himself which i sometimes just dont vibe with. But him being really honest about his opinions with people shows that he actually is someone i can work with. i am a blunt person and when others are willing to throw mud too, it means we can work well together. I think he is very eager to vote out Rob and also doesnt want to work with Gage which i’m not 100% sure what my plan is yet regarding both.

Rob: rob is a big threat but only because he is so blatantly talking to everyone. dont get me wrong Rob is a great guy, but he isn’t a great ally just because he talks to me. I also know that he has the idol and clearly I aint the top of his ally list since he didnt include me in the one with gage szymon and conor and he also didnt tell me about his idol. Also every inactive person talking to him is not good bc i dont want his farmer ass to let his sheep target me. I think Rob may go home very early and he wont even see it coming.

chips/brandan: we arent working together. that’s about it.

Conor: we became a bit closer during the swap but i certainly wouldnt say he is an ally. more like a neutral friend. i think conor plans on working with gage/rob/szymon. which doesnt include me. But i dont think he has many other connections such as with dylan or daisy or jules. so im not sure how much he’ll be doing anytime soon.

Lovelis: he seems pretty inactive. itll be interesting to see if i can use our pre-established friendship to kinda pull him in and work with him but i also dont know who he plans on working with or doing. very nice and everyone agrees when he is on he is fun to talk to, its just about activity levels and trying to see if he actually is here to play or not.

Dylan: I LIKE DYLAN. BUT HE ALSO LEFT ME ON READ FOR LIKE 16 HOURS NOW LMAO. He was super fun to talk to on our tribe game night, and then in pms but then he kinda ghosted me but continued to talk in the tribe chat. granted i got rlly sloppy drunk last night so when he was free to talk more i wasnt ;/ So ill be interested to see if we can keep vibing, im defnitely open to working with him bc he seems like he would be fun to strategize and work with, but we aren’t necessarily at that point yet.

Jules: juuuules!!!!! amazing, fantastic, the best. but also not the most active. im interested in working with her and i think she appreciates me being crazy and i appreciate her being crazy too. also she is the main reason i won this challenge SOOOOOO. I think me szymon and daisy have a great opportunity to work with her and form a tight 4 if thats the path we choose to go down. Jules is here for fun and to socialize with people and i think some people are off putted by that but i thinks its fine, i just hope we have fun doing crazy stuff together and not against one another :D

THATS IT! MY MERGE CAST ASSESSMENT.

________________________________________________________________

SO I WON IMMUNITY! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE WHICH IS KINDA EMBARRASING SINCE I ONLY ASKED 2 PEOPLE FOR THEIR WORDS, AND THEN DAISY/JULES/SZYMON GAVE ME THE REST. Honk honk i love sharing, this is what communism is all about! But being immune first is kinda a great thing because it really puts you in a firm spot and allows/forces people to strategize with you. since i am unsure if i can attend tribal/live night it also provides some much needed security early on. i am hoping chips goes home at this first tribal which seemingly everyone is on board with. And then id prefer brandan or lovelis to go in live night. But i think Szymon and Daisy will want to vote for Rob. I am not sure if i want to take that shot yet because it might hurt my chances of working with Gage, but also leaves several more inactive people in. if i was confident people like lovelis and brandan would follow rob out the door that would be one thing, but i think it would make people like conor/gage possibly start targeting szymon/daisy/myself and that isnt a good thing. especially if we can wait to f9, and have 5 directly on rob and he goes home and then theres less potential for us getting outvoted

Click HERE to watch Daisy’s Video!

Click HERE to watch Dylan G’s Video!

I know I have been sending only really text confessionals right now and I am REALLY sorry about that, since pretty much a lot of my life has FINALLY FUCKING CLEARED UP I can actually start doing them, butttt since I'm a procrastinator on all sense of the word I'm just gonna type something here and be done with it okay?

Anyways, MERRRRGGGEE! I am fucking SHOCKED that I have made it this far. Keep in mind I really don't think that I would have had any issues getting to the merge keep in mind. Other than the shit I was going through early game and then with some other stuff I feel relatively blessed to be here. I made some connections on my swapped tribe which helped me stay around, and then afterwards I pretty much like... I'm here! I wanted to try and win as many challenges as I could just to help me get by, but then again I'm not the most TALKATIVE person in the world so whatever, I'm planning on fixing that now.

ANYWAYS going into live night I am worried. I was playing three games at once including this WHILE working and BEFORE I got COVID so that was.... okay that wasn't really that fun but still WHATEVER I TRIED GURL OKAY? And from the looks of it the first round should be easy with a relative chips boot which I am fine with. The second round though? That's where the primary issue lies. The only name I heard relative to that is potentially lovealis which I am down with. I got Jules who is a Brandan STAN, my Coco loco alliance with daisy/szymon, and other connections I have made with people like rob. Since after Chips leaves we're in the Final 10 during live night that's easier for my mental sanity. and with me/daisy/szymon/rob/jules, that is already HALF the votes. So I feel... good.

I did not succeed at the social queen immunity.

A social queen i am not.

I was told the vote would be me... so I packed my bags.

Then... a LONG time later they want to blindside Rob. I say okay, I'm down knowing I trust no one so trying to hold on to my smallest sliver of hope that this isn't an elaborate lie.

Then we get live round! If I make it that far I'm ready to party!

Click HERE to watch Gage’s Video!

Click HERE to watch Rob’s Final Words

________________________________________________________________

Rob is voted out 6-3-1. He becomes the first member of our jury. We then have LIVE NIGHT! At live night, Lovelis goes home 9-1 and becomes the second member of our jury.

Watch the Cast Assessment for this Episode and last Episode below:

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 12 | “Beauty got problems and Brawn got problems”- Autumn

wow. just wow. i sure did just do that and im so proud. i proved to myself im a deserving winner tonight. i will fight to the death to get my allies to the end because lets be real i sure am not making it KJSDFLASFLA.

i was going to start this confessional out in a celebratory tone but YOU KNOW WHAT I STILL AM BECAUSE WE JUST DID THAT. I typically like to be my own biggest hater and drag myself in my confessionals a lot just as a way to clock myself and try to see the other perspective, but BITCH I KNOW I SNAPPED THIS ROUND AND IF YOU DONT THINK I DID LEMME HIT YOU WITH SOME FACTS; FACT: I CORRECTLY USED MY ADVANTAGE AND WON IMMUNITY DURING WHAT WAS A PERTINENT ROUND https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: UPON FINDING OUT I HAD IMMUNITY I KNOW DEVON WAS COMING TO ME TRYING TO KEEP ME UNDER HIS WING, OH YEAH ADAM, JUST VOTE IN THE MINORITY, AND GO ALONG WITH BEING AT THE BOTTOM, AND IT WAS M E DECIDING I DIDNT WANT TO DO THAT AND SPILLING THE TEA THAT LED TO GETTING AN OUTCOME I WANTED https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: it was ME who also went to autumn/ali and started planting seeds of doubt in their minds about jake and it's turning out it's helped me solidify my position with them better https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: It's also still me who's aligned with 2 or 3, if you include jake, of the biggest targets left in the game and i already have augusto and amir sliding in my pms trying to play pity me boo hoo hoo like gorl plea im not buying it but yall wanna keep singing kumbaya? well ill sing the encore and be twice as fake as yall (i DO love them both as people just as a disclaimer but from a game perspective? they're beasts!) https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif ok, boasting over, time to hop off cloud nine and get back to reality because FACT: we all just made a big move, so the target on all of us, including myself, just went up, FACT: i could easily be delusional and maybe i had NOTHING to do with this blindside SJDFA but lemme bask in my fake glory anyway itll be funny to read after at least... FACT: The war has truly only just begun, that was a great victory but if me/ali/autumn are really in it like we're saying, we may still have another idol on our side, but we're gonna need more than that, it's kinda funny we're one brain, one brawn, one beauty and i think that speaks volumes i truly love these gals and think this is a good game route for me. some people might think it's foolish of me to align with the big threats and go deep with them, but who's to say im not worthy of being in their company? if it wasnt for my social connection with devon he wouldve never told me the plan, and then autumn is the smart one so she kept us composed and together, and then ali was the brawn he had the idol and got the job done. So im gonna just try and stick with this for now, hopefully they feel the same and dont try to oust me right away because then ill look like a whole fool and a half OOP, and ill plaster my fake smiles on for everyone else and kiki it up we can haha hehe all day long but i wont hesitate to vote them out because trust and believe. 

Last Day 30 was my last day playing TS: Guyana, so this is a nice feeling to still be here. But now the fun kicks in. Jakey helped orchestrate the Devon blindside with the Ali idol, so I guess we're even. And now, assuming Jakey is still actually with me, which I think he is, I think we can run this game for the longrun. He has access to Ali, Autumn, and Adam and I have access to the three Beauties. I truly see this being beneficial for the both of us in terms of keeping one another safe and allowing us to get to the final six unharmed. Final six is important for me. I'm not sure if I've admitted this in an earlier confessional or not, but I have the Legacy Advantage (thank you Jordan Pines!) that I can use at six. So I just need to survive two more tribals. If I can do that, I have a seat in the final five, probably two more rounds to survive before getting to FTC, and then I have a shot. I really need to start building a resume if I want to win this game, but I think I have a chance. I really need to get Ali and Autumn out in these next three rounds. If I can do that, I see myself being able to make the end with the likes of Jakey, Kendall, Augusto, and maybe Adam (Amir will become a threat at five or six I think) and then I have at least a shot at the win, but I really need to keep my head down, keep the social game going, and make a move or two here.

so. i think i have some explaining to do JKLASDFA huh? i was on calls for the like three hours before tribal so i didn't really confess at all.. in fact i think in my last confessional i said that we were voting 4-3-3 which did not happen at all so i think i need to fill in some gaps huh? so... i have known since like 11pm EST yesterday that i was getting votes tonight. devon told, adam told me and then told autumn, but then autumn didn't want to tell me until later in the day which i honestly do think was fair so we weren't spiralling for hours. we were all sus of jake all day (and lowkey i still am?)... like i dont know when his energy because so shady, plus devon may have told adam that jake was in on the plan? plus he kept saying stuff like the vote has gone "back to kendall" and kept pushing me not to play the idol... something does not add up right with that. anyway so that demonic group of five voted for me, and lied SO much to make me leave with my idol? like why not just make me paranoid, leak the vote to adam or jake then vote autumn get me to waste an idol and then autumn leaves? now that would've been a good move hello?! but that group does not know how to blindside, idols have sabotaged their plans twice and amir/augusto should consider themselves lucky that they are still in the game. also kendall fought me at tribal because i was being cocky... but she literally tried to blindside me into leaving with an idol hello?! i appreciate that she thought she was going, but she is zero to too much way too quick. augusto can literally suck my ass our call was him and his bad excuse for jury management, like can he at least be like amir and pretend to want to work with me? anyway so moving forwards, i wanna vote out kendall or augusto this round. amir can stick around because he at least pretends to wanna work with me plus he is a threat too. idek i just want all the fake people in this tribe gone. i will not vote for adam, autumn or jake. i will vote for any of the others, im not fussed about the order in which i do so. im living on borrowed time in this game and im going to make it count

Sorry this is two parts I thought my friend was gonna die lol but she's fine. Remember kids, there's no dick worth dying over and a straight guy rejecting you is a blessing in disguise these days (considering the alternatives). 

Now on with the show hahaha 

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1-AkqQGDYzlccP1VFwpPNo-aCQPFmoj9Z https://drive.google.com/open?id=1bVcBqq0JL2-ybgTiS2vOrYURbCG0kIxh

thots on final 8: augusto: would cut me to win, literal love of my life, super kind and empathetic and genuinely good person, i think his social game is fire and i think he has a way with people, and downplays how smart and cutthroat he really is constantly, but i love the kid so much ali: the brit has to die ali again: okay im kidding i like him a lot but tbh hes a smart fucking guy, i think hes super cool and and also a badass with that idol play, hes a force but he has to go soon autumn: lana stan, coolest girl around, queen of the social game, queen of likability, queen of controlling rounds and letting others take the hit, a damn threat, she could win this game   tj: sweetheart, we need each other in the game rn, i need need need to secure his loyalty adam: hes kinda crazy but he has a good heart, kinda just following ali and autumn rn, not gonna win in the end kendall: i have a soft spot for this crackhead, she deserves the world, probably cant win at the end but im happy i met her, shes on my side and a vote i can use moving forward jakey: love him to death would die 4 him, would beat me in the end and at immunities also the fact that kendall augusto and i are all still here is so fucking funny, like bitch how kejwnfkewjnfkejnwfkjnewkfnewk cockroaches

So numbers on surface Jakey - adam - autumn - Ali Kendall - Amir - Augusto - tj Round 5: Adam - Ali - autumn Amir - kendall - Augusto In the middle: jakey - tj So I just have to work on them 

when i tell you ive been hooting and hollering what the fuck is going on in the survivor on this day, who the hell would've thought id win my third individual immunity in one season, gorl that is probably the most 2020 thing to happen in this game. although two of them pretty much were dumb luck afdjks either that or maybe im doing a little better than i think i truly dont know, and the touchy subjects clocked me on THAT as; what was it they said, 'the person they forget is in the game' and also 'least aware of their place' okay well yes im AWARE ive BEEN lost and asking for help this whole game gorl! But that's great, that's how i want people to view me, because uh... i just won 3 of these things now and that alone is reason to target me, granted im doing my best to play it up like dont worry! im just a dumb dumb! and clearly theyre eating that up like crazy, because it's both just the truth but also strategy if i keep playing it up, so watch out meryl, adam's in town! also LOVE that i knew i was gonna get most likely to have the idol i dont know how many times i have to say it IM INNOCENT AND BEING FRAMED FOR A FOOL and ooh dont even get me started on all the other tea it spilled, i actually got the LEAST of the bad things, i guess i kinda exposed myself because i made most of my chops at amir, augusto, and tj oop, so they probably didnt like that but they really left me no choice strategically, screw with me, i screw back, simple as that. As far as the vote too ummm.....it's been quiet tonight on my end so hope that doesnt make me a fool because this time last vote was a disaster, at this point im still thinking i need to stick with ali and autumn because this vote is so pertinent, after this a solid 4  can take it, or get as far as we can because im always keeping my options open OOP, but for the most part i do want to stay true to my good judys for now, but i know someone between amir/augusto/kendall has an idol and if they were smart theyd use it this round, so i need to convince the others of this because im sure its gonna happen since they dont think ali has one anymore hopefully but who knows, if it were up to me we'd vote augusto or tj this vote. I think amir has the idol and i think he's going to play it for himself this round or i could see augusto playing it for him, so if i can make anyone belive that very realistic scenario, we can get one of the ones theyd least expect just to ensure us the numbers for next round, but what do i know, they just forget im in the game anyway! so hopefully tomorrow someone tries to give me the tea and we get a plan together or else i spilled all the tea last round for nothing which is worst case scenerio 

yesterday was a lot. I went an apology tour to everyone involved in my blindside and honestly it was annoying. the fact that augusto basically got me to apologise to him on our call when he blindsided me was irritating, like he just let me sit there and take fault when the point of the call was for him to take accountability. talking to him is like talking to 2018 me, he has such social ability, but he just takes zero accountability and is just so infuriatingly wishy-washy. he is all of my worst attributes as a player rolled into one. i also... almost won immunity? which is crazy, but I just found yesterday and the way immunity played out so frustrating, but I've spoken about it enough in my host chat enough. just know i feel robbed, slighted and if I get rocked out this round when i should have immunity. i will throw a fuss again SAJDKFLAS. anyway so this vote is gonna be a mess. tj and autumn now have a blood feud, Kendall and jake came to a head this round. so that's four people whose name i hopefully am not their number #1 target, plus i don't think adam is targetting me? but this vote is going to be a mess, because it very very easily could be 4-4, where there is an idol on both sides of the trench. i have a gut feeling amir and his sock puppets are going to vote autumn. it makes sense, tj wants her gone and the beauties need him reeled in. so i think im going to have to idol autumn, but that is risky because if the 4 vote jake... im going to rocks, and if they vote me, im reliant on jake going to rocks. but i just wanna send all these people backing, especially augusto. amir i'm trying to shake him that me and him have to stick together, but i also could vote for him. i literally just want to make F7 and to vote someone who just voted me out. that is literally all i want. if i go home i will be literally devastated

So like… there’s the dream and there’s the harsh reality which is something this round really talk me. The dream is obviously me winning, making all these big moves, and doing THAT. However, my reality? Could very well be that people don’t see me as a winner at all and it makes me a little disappointed but I gotta prove them all wrong. The vote last round being Ali was honestly mostly my doing and I’m proud of that. My ideal boot order is Autumn/Ali then Jakey then Autumn/Ali and that is GOING to happen because I’m putting that into the universe. When it comes to Autumn and Ali, I would rather Ali go but I think the safest bet while still having a target leave would be Autumn. In a way too, I do know Amir wants Ali out moreso alongside Jakey but I wanna separate my game from Amir so yeah. Also Adam calling me a fake ass bitch even tho my drunk ass was telling him I liked him was a gag… but oh well.. Nothing grinds my gears more than people thinking I’m not being genuine with how I feel towards them but if that’s what he thinks, maybe that’s what he’ll get idk… i feel petty and mad for some reason over it… BUT ANYWAY, I just want to survive this vote. I hope Kendall doesn’t go but she also said she wants me to win over Amir so yay?

If I die, I just wanna say I regret nothing and I have full confidence that the right person will win this season. So not TJ, Augusto, or Amir lmaaaaooo. Amir entering the two time winner chat??? Over my dead fucking body. If there's one thing Imma do it's poison a jury

Ali or Autumn... who shall we vote? Stay tuned!

Is Jess really Canadian... stay tuned!

god. today is gonna be another nailbiter and i want to confess first. so the plan is to idol autumn and vote out kendall, which sucks because i do now like kendall. i just think its the safest way of avoiding them playing an idol i guess, i don't even know. i just am sick of fighting in this game every single round me and autumn have had to fight to make it past. the fact jake is throwing a fit in my pms becuase im not idoling him is infuriating because... i'd love to idol myself? like? anyway im over it. if i go home, i hope tj can finally stop his blind fixation on autumn and i, that augusto can actually be accountable for one entire thing, amir can stop his pity party and show awareness for his threat level and that kendall... well actually kendall is fine. i just feel like im a mum trying to get all my kids to fit in a minivan and to put their seatbelts on, like can they get it together.

I don’t think anyone is ready for this round or at least what’ll come of it... I’m expecting an explosion or a mess given Jakey thinks he’s staying, TJ has been lied to, and hopefully Autumn or Adam leave next... its all a mess. If Jakey goes, I’m planning a 2-2-2 split between Autumn and Adam where we maybe get Autumn out but Adam leaving doesn’t hurt either. 

me with biggest villian, biggest backstabber, thinks they are running the game, is running the game, and is gonna win at the end http://prntscr.com/ss4h5q

literally god demolished and brutalized worse than anyone in this game tonight in that touchy subjects yet I’m also the one comforting like half the tribe over their answers even tho I ADKWNWQJN WAS ATTACKT LIKE this cast literally thinks im a psychopath fjebwfjenkn but im not gonna play victim over my superlatives i just have to use this target on my back strategically 

I want destruction AHHHHHHHHHHhhHhHhHhHhHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay so, they think me or Augusto have the idol, so they can vote kendall, to ensure our idol isn’t played and that me and Augusto and tj are forced into rocks, and im just like trying to get everyone to stop replying to ali cuz hes smart and he will psychoanalyze and figure out who to play the idol on and like he has to play it on autumn and not himself so pls pls pls kkjnkjenfs let this work

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt.23

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23

i wrote this because being on tumblr and seeing posts about taz hurt my heart. i was going to make this silly and meme-y, but honestly? i wasn’t feeling it. ive been having a Weird Time, and having something so important to me end earlier the day i started this didn’t help.

and then today happened and just.........i am So Tired

we’ll get back to the goofs next time, but i tried to make the end of this chapter a bit lighter? yeah i failed (multivitamin = adrien, mystic dragon = nino, monster alarm = alya, elfen whatever the heck = mari)

hail and well met all. i hope you enjoy

3:21 in orange wake up mari!!!

multivitamin: Do you ever stare at the ceiling and think about the future And realize you have literally just No clue what you’re doing And you don’t know if you’ll be happy Or successful And you’re just looking at the ceiling And debating your entire life And looking at all these choices you have to make and paths you have to choose And what you HAVE chosen so far and how it’s shaped your life And how everything could be different if you had just changed That one thing But you didn’t And now you’re here Staring at the ceiling

3:57

mystic dragon: one sec i cant do this with this nicknam e

mystic dragon has changed their nickname to mental support

mental support: first things first you ok? you dont sound ok

multivitamin has changed their nickname to existential crisis

existential crisis: I’m fine just Feels weird

mental support: dude im sorry i wish i could tell you that itll all be good but we both know thats a fucking lie but man youve got so much going for you youre talented as fuck you come from an amazing family youre an awesome person youre super smart its chill if you dont know what you wanna do right now weve got time and the past is the past we cant change it (and yo if we could we really really shouldnt) so like…why get hung up on it ok that was bad wording its super easy to get hung up on it especially when its ass oclock in the morning and your brain hates you   just like deep breaths man youre gonna be ok id hug you if i could but none of our parents would be chill with that

existential crisis: …… Can we do a call

mental support: of course you dont even have to ask gimme a sec to grab headphones and turn on a light

existential crisis: Ok

PM between mental support and existential crisis

4:06: Call started

6:35 in orange wake up mari!!!

monster alarm has changed their name to love and support

love and support: in this chat we love and support adrien agreste and each other

love and support has renamed this conversation to in this house we love and respect each other

love and support: brains suck and im sorry u feel like this marsh least it decided to hit u w/ that on a weekend r u feeling any better??

existential crisis: Yeah a little I might go take a nap in a little bit

love and support: sleep is great 10/10 would recommend its like practice for death

mental support: why are you up al?

love and support: sisters they were moving around attempting to make toast or something an d knocke dover some pots now we r all up im trying to convince my mom to make pancakes

mental support: best of luck dude

love and support: ill send you them somehow if she does

PM between mental support and existential crisis

7:13: Call ended: 3 hours 5 minutes 42 seconds

existential crisis: Thank you

mental support: anything for you dude <3 love you. sleep well

existential crisis: I love you too

PM between existential crisis and elfentrank fairy drink

existential crisis: I wish we could tell them

8:36 in in this house we love and respect each other

elfentrank fairy drink: Does this mean  I need to change my nicknam e

love and support: yes

elfentrank fairy drink: Ok um Hol d on a sec

love and support: take ur time babe

elfentrank fairy drink: Got it

elfentrank fairy drink has changed their nickname to snack support

love and support: amazing im proud of u

snack support: I do have snack s I need to go find breakfast brb 

PM between existential crisis and snack support

snack support: I wish we could too One day???

13:20 in in this house we love and respect each other

mental support: sup dudes i just had the wildest dream it involved clouds, adrien flying, and like 50 cats brains are fucking weird

snack support: That is so many cats Too many cats

love and support: no such thing

snack support: Youre a dog person???

love and support: and?? i want to die under a pile of animals that love me soft and fluff

mental support: yo al did you ever get your pancakes

love and support: yessss mom is The Best the twins drowned theirs in choclate sauce

mental support: hell yeah got any left over??

love and support: yup want lunch?

mental support: *breakfast just woke up im supposed to clean the apartment today but my moms might not mind me leaving for a bit

love and support: nah i wanna get out of the house for a while besides i wanna chill w my bf without the twins annoying me @mari @adri u 2 want any? i can swing by and/or pick u up on my way

mental support: i think hes still knocked out hopefully he is anyway he looked really tired last night this morning he better still be sleep

snack support: Im good al but thanks! Spend some time with your bf without me in the way

mental support: yo wtf

love and support: u!! r not in the way!!!!!!

mental support: ^^^

snack support: Its fine really!!! Ive got a dress to work on today!!!!

mental support: youre sure?? youre not just giving us space??

snack support: Yeah Im positive Ill send updates The pattern is kicking my ass

love and support: kick its ass right back babe ill hold your flower

mental support: have fun dude!!!

love and support: btw ill b over in like 20 nine cool???

mental support: not changing out of my pjs

love and support: thats a mood see u then?

mental support: yup! <3

PM between existential crisis and snack support

snack support: Im on my way over Dont freak out Which…...wont be helpful if youre asleep

 16:20

existential crisis: I know you’re probably still on the way home but Thanks for coming over <3 And yeah One day

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 13: “I Feel Like It’s Time for a Classic Blindside” - Mitch

okay so mo went home and im sad because he is my SON and I LOVE HIM. On a game level, sepearating Jones/Mo was crucial, but Mo was a goat, and Julia and Mo going back to back is bad news.

It kind of limits my options moving forwards, since I know I can't go to the end with Jones/Mitch, and don't think I can go to the end with Jason. I thought Tom would be a goat for literally self voting twice, but Jones is selling him like some big threat?

Anywho that means F3 has to be Me/Caeleb/Benj, which honestly... is all good in my back, they are my two faves on the tribe, so I'm down to clown with that.

also me clocking that caeleb is matt who won kuwait's boyfriend, i truly am the second coming of nancy drew

okay so morning after last night's tribal. i don't regret any decisions i made, but i am a little concerned about the narrow path I now have to FTC.

I feel like I'm playing a good game, and a game better than those that I have played in the past. However, I'm also not delusional, and I know how big of a threat Jones/Mitch/Jason are at FTC, and while I don't think Tom should be a threat, apparently he is too.

What that means, is I have to angle for a F3 of Me, Caeleb and Benj. I think its do-able, but its going to be tricky.

The best way I see it happening is next vote, siding with Caeleb/Jones to vote off Jason, so that the two 'pairs' are attacked with equal force. Its definitely risky, since it means I'll be very vulnerable, but HOPEFULLY the following round I can swing it back and get Jones out.

That would then leave a F5 (which oh my GOD final five already got to SCREAM), of Me/Mitch/Caeleb/Tom/Benj. I think I would then unfortunately need to take out Mitch at F5, because he is scary scary, and I think would be such a deserving winner. That leaves a F4 of Me, Benj, Caeleb and Tom which I think is probably best case scenario, where I would vote off Tom most likely, leaving the F3 as me, Benj and Caeleb. If its a F2, I go to the end with Benj.

I think its definitely a work-able and do-able plan, its just important to get all the stages right. Thinking about it, it could be worth swapping Jason and Tom on the plan. I think Jason is more of a threat personally, but perception is reality, and if Jones is saying Tom is a threat, I can't be seen walking to the end with him.

So... I'm cautiously optimistic. I think I'm playing a strong game, I still have TWO idols, and am on track to keeping on pushing on.

If I'm voted off at seventh place, the order I would vote for the remaining players at FTC:

Mitch > Jason > Jones > Caeleb > Benj > Tom

I knew that this could happen, and I was trying so hard to keep Mo around. I told Grandma's boys that we should vote Mitch, they said no. And then Benj let me know he was voting Mo, and since Ali and Mitch weren't responding to me anymore, I knew they were going to vote Mo instead. I told Jones to play her idol on Mo but she didn't do that either. Overall, I am sad. Because I let them tell me how I should play that round but I should've been confident in A) my gameplay and what I wanted to do, and B) my understanding of the roles in this game and who I felt was talking to who. If the last vote showed me anything it showed me that:

I have a pretty good understanding of who is running this game (Mitch and Benj)

Jones is playing a really good social game but she isn't ready to make big moves yet, or she doesn't understand which moves we should make.

Jones and I are in this together. We have to by default because I know about her idol, but also with pairs popping up everywhere its safer to have a voting buddy. Plus Jones is cool so like I could be stuck with someone I didn't like and for that I'm lucky.

Lastly, I need to be confident. I have played well, but I've lost momentum. I had it with the Alex vote, and it waned but I had it in the Jules vote. I was exposed and lost it in the Julia vote, and I was completely left out of the picture in the Mo vote. I need to regain this momentum. I know I like always make a fool of myself with my confessionals hehe because I always say I want something to happen but it never ends up happening. That's largely because so many people have their own agendas, dictating the vote is not my style. Being flexible as F*** for sure is. BUT, I will hopefully get my way next tribal. I am planning on using Jones, Me, Ali and Jason to vote Mitch. I am starting to sow the seeds in Jason and Ali, because Mitch has clearly played the best so far. He has ALWAYS voted right, and been the deciding vote for Jules, Alex, and Mo. Yet he also never was cursed. He'll win, and its my mission to vote him next. But don't keep me on my word because HELL knows things are gonna hit the fan anyways.

also i have to confess this because its funny and i will forget otherwise, but on the call before last tribal, i said tom is too straight for me to be able to work with him long term in my host chat, because he kept saying bro and chick.

LITERALLY, and I mean LITERALLY, 5 seconds later, he shows us this picture and asks us "how fake this chick's boobs are". I am NOT going to be a straight enabler, straight pride can WAIT, this is not gonna keep happening.

With that said, I wanna go F3 with Tom probably KSADF, or no maybe F4. I definitely know Jason, Mitch and Jones need to leave sooner rather than later, and I will then figure it out from there eeeek!

also LOVE MR CAELEB, LOVE him. BUT.

I would've had a 38 POINT WORD, if he didn't snatch that Z from me, he ROBBED me of quizzical, and now he can spell frazzled which ties my current best word. EEEEEK.

okay me making fun of tom for having a sheet when i have the same... love being a crackhead...

also me getting SO pressed about Caeleb winning immunity for 0.5 seconds, before realising I didn't want to vote him out anyway, and that him winning is like... fine.

I made this this morning:

I hate everyone KSKSKSKSKKS i want to just do something for myself so bad Bc I feel like such a follower and I wanna just die all the time but like ????? The last 12 times I try to plan moves it backfires so I just need like,,, to breathe a bit.idk??? I don’t even know if I want BENJ in the F2 with me like I said,,, anyways,,,

Best F3 scenario: me/Tom/benj

Best F2 scenario: me/literally one of those two men,,,, maybe preferably Tom? Like no offense to Tom but idt anytime on jury likes Tom rn JSJSJSJS but ya time to die and lose in immunity UwU

I WON IMMUNITY AHHH. It means I'm guaranteed a spot in the final six, and assuming I play my idols right, F5 and then F4. I'm potentially... one round from FTC, this is CRAZY.

This round is gonna be interesting, it needs to be one of Jones, Jason or Mitch for sure, I just need to angle it so that its definitely the right one. I am immune, and can use that safety to lead a vote... whatever happens i'm so EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

quasiconvexity carried me through

So the game has been going well! I wanted Mo to go at F9 cuz we just didn’t have as good of connection as I do with others but that got overshadowed by Julia blowing up but we made it happen this round me Mitch and Ali wow the votes actually fell 3-3-2 exactly like we planned.

Literally 4 votes in a row now the exposed people voted wrong LOL. Anyways next up to go is Jason, we have worked together well for a few votes but him and Tom are a duo who have to be broken up now that Mo/Jones are broken. Jason has more chance to win so its got to be him.

Jones covered my vote hehe so it should go as planned we hope but idk itll prob be ruined like stuff usually is. It should be me jones mitch caeleb voting him, tom and Jason will I guess vote jones or someone, ali can vote whoever it doesn’t matter

Me and Ali have realised the Sapphire idol is more of a curse than helpful LOL so hopefully we don’t ever have to use it. We have also decided that we want to go to F4 w Tom and Caeleb, I LOVE Jones and Mitch so much but they are the biggest threats. But I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone teams up against me and Ali and realise we have lowkey been shaping the course of the game since F11 hehe.

This is one of my favourite orgs ever and Ali is one of my favourite allies ever! Ali when u see this thank u for putting up w my being cracked and listening to all my scheming and plans u make this game sm fun so just thank u sm.

Everyone left in the game are also such good people ugh it sucks to have to vote them at some point :// The hosts went off w casting…

So ya moving forward me and Ali’s goal is to make F5 and have one of us win immunity and idol the other w Budva idol and not even use the Sapphire bc apparently if its like a 3-1-1 vote they are all immune which is too scary we cant cirie ourselves out!!

Gosh I sounded so cocky just then huh... I rlly am always looking out and worried about being blindsided aswell eeeek

I PROB WILL BE!

I just have so much hope for benjali duo ;-;

okay so this vote... it needs to be one of Jones, Mitch and Jason. I've heard from Benj that there is a plan to vote Jason, of Mitch/Benj/Jones/Caeleb, here is the problem tho... I'm down with Jason going, but if I hop on to this plan, I'm just an add on and its not a move I can claim at an FTC resume.

So, I have to plan an alternative, and its either gonna be Me/Jason/Tom/Caeleb vote Mitch, or Me/Jason/Tom/Mitch vote Jones. I am leaning towards voting Jones right now, because like... she just told me she has heard nothing for the vote, when I know she is plotting and has sorted a plan to get Jason out. She clearly doesn't trust me, we've voted separately at basically every single tribal and she is a mega threat in the end.

I think I could convince Mitch to vote her, and it also detaches Caeleb, and it means he is stuck with me, which is good, since I'll need him to vote Jason potentially next round. Its tough because I want all three of Mitch/Jason/Jones out asap... hnnngh.

So I have the opportunity to make a game changing move. Im almost certain I know who has the idol and i REALLY want the person out this round. Right now they are breezing by without being targeted a single time and I feel like its time for a classic blindside. The problem is, right now that specific person is not being targeted. The risk of telling the people who are being targeted that they are the target is astronomical but if it works it just might send the person who I want gone out. It's a risky plan that I don't know if it will work or not.

okay so I think I may have already confessed this, but loving having ZERO memory. Okay so Jones is going tonight, she is definitely a major threat, has access to jury votes I couldn't even dream of getting and is SUCH an FTC risk.

I think this vote works, because then... next round we can get Mitch. I can solidify something with Caeleb and Benj, and we can then agree to get Jason at F5, that's... such smooth sailing to FTC. I'm excited.

I love voting with Mitch/Jason for a vote, and then... voting against them in literally the two votes after, loving being a mess.

[rvb-junior]

Anonymous ask: do you have any pets? What are their names? Why do you keep them? What got you into keeping them? Do you have any future pet plans? 💖💖

Ok anon do u really wanna get into this convo? Itll take a while.

Okay so im at college so rn the only pets with me are my fishb a male halfmoon plakat named Cosmos Florence the second, a nerite snail named Nertb and a black mystery named Onyx. I keep them because god man i just. I just love em so much ya know? Its like. I have this little ball of hate and rage in my dorm who has such a beautiful personality and then to complement that i have these chill snaild who r just trying really hard. Back home we have even more pets and oh man oh man i love them?? They are what love and joy looks like?? We have my dogs, cat, turtle, lizards, birds, hairless guinea pigs, fish, and chickens.

The chickens are named Short Bread and Oreo bevause of how they looked when they were younger. Oreo is a little spunkyer that Short bread while i think short bread is a little…. Confused? Yeah just generally confused by everything.

We have Mr. T, our full grown, healthy red ear slider who lives in a small pond in the back yard with a few feeder fish he never ate. Those fish have grown to be his pals and he just. Hase never eaten them.

Then we have the birds, Able, who likes to tell at you if u look at her to long. Her hobbys are chewing through toys as she is hanging from them and being suprised when she falls. We then have Birbank, named after the airport my dad found him at, who lives very closely with his bf Ruby. Birbank is a grey and white cockatiel and Ruby is a green Indian Ringneck. They had being more than 2 feet apart for longer than 2 seconds and often u will find Ruby yelling when Birbank flys somewhere he cant go (ruby doesnt know how to fly) and birbank screaming when he realises the mistake he made. Ruby likes to give people kisses and is a lover, not a fighter. Birbank likes to hiss at peanuts and ignore everything besides Ruby. Next we have our Canary, Mango whos fav food is blue berrys and kale. He likes to sing when he hears trumpets and my flute. He has a club foot so when we adopted him the bird rescue we got him from was relived because no one else would take him. He is the most graceful flying bird i have ever seen! Finally we have the zebra finch named Shimmy. When we first adopted him he had a super bad plucking problem and was almost completly bald but hes doing much better now, aggressivly peeping when he hears the canary.

Okay now we have 2 lizards, a leopard gecko named Romeo and a crested gecko named Gargoyle. Romeo is a sweet boi with a chubby tail who loves his crickets fast and his meal worms slow. He has one of those reptile hammocks but he prefers climding his cave more. Gargoyle is a sweet girl who will only eat her food when it starts to harden again for some reason. We dont know why but she does and shes kinda a butt. But ya gotta love her!

Our cat’s name is Figaro and she’s currently bald. She had to get shaved, the vet said shes getting up in her years so when she stopped grooming for a month and got matts in her long fur they said she had basicly cat arthritis. Shes doing good and her hobbies are (well atleast when i was home) meowing in my mouth at 3 am to tell me she ate all her food and wanted more.

Wr have 5 dogs so just get ready for that. All our dogs but 1 is a rescue. Coal is a chow/black lab mix. She was adopted as a pup from a local animal rescue and she kniws the mist tricks. Shes a good girl who likes hugs, treats, and when u massage her face. Her favorite toy is a yellow stick that she will bring to you when asked. Shes the second youngest! Lily is the youngest, i sometiems call her satan but only because she is a trickster! You will turn around and shell be on the table eating food, stealing anything from coal, and trying to think up world domination. She and Coal are super close, when we got her Coal went all MaMa dog and now they are inseparable. What makes it better is that Lily is a half Chihuahua/Pomeranian mix so shes tiny next to Coal. Our third youngest is Scarlet, wr think shes the product of a long hair Chihuahua and a deer head Chihuahua. Shes a primadonna who enjoys her alone time and pets. She also like to be held, mainly like a baby so u can hold her and tub her tum. She also REALLY LIKES CAR RIDES like man even going to the vet shes jazzed. Second oldest is Vinnie, a pug my bro ham adopted. Hes super sweet and good he likes face squishes and whrn he naps his tail uncurles. He stands very proper like hes a gentleman and likes to sit on ur feat. He has a grain allergy so he eats special grain free food. Next we have the oldest of our dogs MY SWEET BABY GIRL GIGI. shes my sun and moon. We got gigi when i was 8 and when i was 10 my sister went to college, leaving her for me to takr care of. And well, shes literally the most important thing in the world to me. My sister got her from a breader (which i dont like cus dogs in shelters need homes) but shes a Brussels Griffon so the breader croped her ears and tail. I DO NOT CONDONE THE PRACTICE OF CROPPING AND PART OF A DOG UNLESS SUGGESTED BY A VET, SOME DOGS GET THEIR TAILS CROPPED BECAUS ETHEY BREAK BONES IN THEM AND THAT IS THE ONLY CROPPING I CONDONE. Her ears were cropped lopsidedb and improperly which brought many problems to her later on. She developed many ear infections that have caused her to scratch her ears until they bleed, has had medication for 3 different ear infections, and has almost no ear canal left. Her vet has told us she is almost deef. Also as she got older she got chronic dry eye and takes medicated eye drops for it but shes fine as long as she has those. She needs loud or sharp sounds to get her attention so i trained her to respond to clapping, whistling (which i do very loudly) and snapping fingers. She is a sweet heartb adn a super velcro dog! I cried for three days after i had to go to college and they drive her up to visit me. When im home she goes looking for me if im out of site for 2 minutes, will wait at the bathroom door for me, stare up the stairs when i go to shower, and press her face against closed doors she knows i went through. Whne she does the last thing i have to drum my fingers on the door so she knows to move back before i open it. I miss her horribly and i skype her almost every day, she gets super excited! The first few days i was gone she actually wouldnt stop barking at night. Shes also a cuddle baby and she doesnt sleep unless she is touching me ao it was probably rough for her. I miss her but ill be able to see her in october when i go to my sisters wedding.

The fish! Okay so my mother has a 75 gallon gold fish aquarium and a 30 gallon in the garage with nithing in it yet (shes thinking tetras). The gold fish tank has 2 butter fly tails and some bristle nose plecos. It also has many a snail rn! A friend of ours dismantled a large aquarium of his own ( he is going through a very hard time financially and im hoping everything works out for him) and gave us the plecos and snails. The snails are 3 rabbit snailsb one nerite (he gave us 2 but the other is with my betta) a few black mysteries, and a golden apple who i named Big Mama.

Lemme tell u about big mama real fast. I call her this because, first of all shes a full grown golden appleb second of all because shes a mama. He had a live planted tank thich included a moss ball he has been taking care of for 5 year, its the size of my head and when we put it in the 75 gallon it because the main pice of the tank. What we found out later was that Big Mama had made her family in ut and we have abou 20 BABY GOLDEN APPLES IN THERE ALONE!! He also gave us an anibius fern which i put in my betta’s tank and after getting to college and living hear for a few weeks i found out there were eggs on it because I KNOW HAVE MANY A BABY GOLDEN APPLE. these ones tho r much smaller than the moss ball ones, mine being hatchlings and those being the size of a finger nail. But anyway they have grown large enough where i can tell they r not pest snails and i will be rehoming them to other fish keepers in my dorms once they get a little bigger.

My mom has 3 hairless guinea pigs. Did you know that at petco people tend to walk in and drop off pets they “just dont want any more”? Well it hapoens a lot and my mom fell in love with them instantly. We have Billy, the oldest, Piggy, the middle in age, and sweet baby Bear who is small and young. They are all good boys and are doing very well so far in their new home! My mom had already owned billy and was looking into getting him friends, (guinea pigs live friends! They actually should be kept in atleast pairs but we were not aware at first, now we know better) all three of them are being slowly introduced! Bear and Piggy already live together but we dont want to rush this process and put billy right into the mix, that would probably be the worst think. They are slowly beibg acclimated to eachother.

I guess you could say i love pets because they are sweet and wonderful. I keep most of them because i know i can care for them, that i have the space, and the resources. I have the time and the will to foster a loving home for all my pets, and so does my family. Animals are a big part of my life and i love all of them with all my heart.

My future plans? Well nothing soon! Im in a dorm so Cosmos and his snail friends are all ivr got planed rn. But i hope to, onece in the distante future, get a tank with a school of danionella dracula in it, they are tiny fishb only getting half an inch in side. But id need a good tank for them since they school about 12 and id like to do the whome thing live plants (i also want one of those rimless aquatiums hnnnnnnnngh) i hope to upgrade cosmos to a larger aquarium b currently hes in a 2.5 which is enough for a betta, sure, but id rather he be in a 5 gallon. But really? I just wanna go home n be with GiGi more than anything.

Thank you for the ask!

[chickenfetus]

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

i was tagged falen do i even need to @ her at this point everyone knows who she is

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water i dont drink anything else and yet my face doesnt cooperate 

2. Phone call: i hm?? my friends i guess but all of which are to wake them up and i usually mute my side so really no talking is done

3. Text message: my tuition teacher lMAO

4. Song you listened to: it just ended and i forgot but my day by day6 just started playing

5. Time you cried: i WANTEd to cry today but i didnt i dont rmb when was the last time i cried tbh??

6. Dated someone twice: i no

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i accidentally command + n and typed no into that search bar of the new window i created um

8. Been cheated on: n o

9. Lost someone special: uuu no

10. Been depressed: i doubt so

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i only know my best friend water

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14. blue, green, grey

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yeEHAHH

16. Fallen out of love: no my crushes are a lie

17. Laughed until you cried: yEAH PROBABLY

18. Found out someone was talking about you: hmMmm i guess

19. Met someone who changed you: im constantly changing who am i

20. Found out who your friends are: yes

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: whats facebook

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: refer to 21

23. Do you have any pets: i want pets but realistically speaking i’d end up killing both of us

24. Do you want to change your name: maaybe??? if i ever thought of smth better but thinking is hard so no thanks

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i stayed home LOL

26. What time did you wake up: 6am i heart school

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: my eyes were closed and i was having my good rest tm

28. Name something you can’t wait for: i cant wait for exams to end in october (just kidding i cant wait for monday more exams!!! day6 august comeback imMMM)

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: this morning

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: finding out abt all my current interests/friends earlier

31. What are you listening right now: blood by day6 surprise its the gods again

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no 

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my lazy ass

34. Most visited Website: (from most to least) twitter, youtube/v live, tumblr

35. Elementary: i like how it just says this like what sort of question

36. High School: i am high school i think

37. College: i am high school

38. Haircolor: black?? with random streaks of brown LMAO idk how that happened but ive had ppl asking me if i dyed it too

39. Long or short hair: long i cant wait 2 cut it

40. Do you have a crush on someone: day6

41. What do you like about yourself: i uh stay hydrated everyday surfs up 42. Piercings: no pain in this house

43. Bloodtype: A (loser)

44. Nickname: deadass when i typed 43 i didnt see falens ans for this and i was shockd its egg

45. Relationship status: in a love hate r/s with day6 

46. Pronouns: she/her

47. Favorite TV show: i dont even watch anime that often anymore whats a tv

48. Tattoos: no pain no gain no its really fine please  49. Right or left: these questions istg right handed

50. Surgery: none

51. Sport: is this asking what my fav sport is or what dude volleyball but i cant play it properly LMAO 

52. Vacation: dream vacation?? japan

53. Pair of trainers: i only wear converse 

MORE GENERAL:

54. Eating: air 55. Drinking: should i drink smth now itll be water

56. I’m about to: doing all of these

57. Waiting for: bed time

58. Want: dea 59. Get married: no

60. Career: another no

WHICH IS BETTER:

61. Hugs or kisses: huhuhuhuhug

62. Lips or eyes: eyes maybe

63. Shorter or taller: taller amen

64. Younger or older: older?? apparently i have a thng 4 that any grandmas want to hang out tmr

65. Nice arms or nice stomach: LEGS

66. Sensitive or loud: anythinggg

67. Hook up or relationship: relatiosnhop

68. Troublemaker or hesitant: mayb like a mix

HAVE YOU EVER:

69. Kissed a stranger: nooo

70. Drank hard liquor: onlyy hard water 

71. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no how do u lose ur glasses if theyre on ur face

72. Turned someone down: i wouldnt count any from the past bc we were young

73. Sex in the first date: nnoo

74. Broken someones heart: no 75. Had your heart broken: i guess

76. Been arrested: LOL

77. Cried when someone died: no,, ,,

78. Fallen for a friend: yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

79. Yourself: no LOL

80. Miracles: who

81. Love at first sight: uh 

82. Santa Claus: no i never got presents anyway

83. Kiss in the first date: i

84. Angels: yeha day6

OTHER:

85. Current best friends name: day6

86. Eye color: daark brownn

87. Favorite movie: my life (its a comedy)

tagging no oneeee

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: where you left me to go mama?? Rio: aw bubba 😧😔 Rio: plenty of stuff in the kitchen if you ain't already raiding Indie: got my head in the fridge never over its madness Indie: 🍾 + 🍊 for breakfast innit 😂 when you lavish Rio: 😂 we on the champagne too Rio: calling a 2 drink max for you so you don't rinse 'em 😜 Indie: dont be lawin that for me too tho Rio: Bitch I is, keep up Indie: naaaah thats only a glass in each hand Indie: you got rules whenever you be but cant gimme none Rio: 😑 Rio: even you can't test me rn tho Rio: on ☁9 Indie: jam girl im playin 🍾 aint lush 😕 aint be telling mckenna that i cant hang w the poshos but fr Indie: is it? whats got you feelin higher than me? 411 Rio: not got dem mature tastebuds yet younger 😉 Rio: [Picture in the Tiffany shop] Indie: allow it i got 👅 that 💸 cant buy bitch Indie: what bling the boy tryna drop on you 👑 didnt even hear you arguing like 👏 get it girl Indie: guilt gifts be 🔥 Rio: Better than the 🚬 joke I thought you would Rio: maybe you are gettin so grown 😜 Rio: nah nah Rio: not even Rio: idk how to say it it feels surreal, like Rio: you'll think i'm playing fr Indie: innit tho 👵👵👵👵 Indie: ?? Indie: youre playing not to take me w to get a 👶 🎁 but you kno 💖💖💖 Rio: That is a good idea tho the price tag would have you shook Rio: [Pic] Rio: It's an engagement ring Rio: ahh I feel a bit sick Indie: YOUVE GOT JOKES MAN 😂😂😂 Indie: even mckenna aint that highkey he gonna proper wife you rn Rio: mad init Indie: serious? Rio: yeah Rio: promise Indie: 😲😲😲😲😲😲😲 Indie: bitch i aint wearing no dress to the 💒 tho Rio: i know Rio: but how you gon' be maid of honour if you don't? 😘 Indie: ill tax that best man role from other mckenna if you keep playing 💪😎😎 Indie: & i aint callin you mckenna now thatd be a madness of getting you caught up w that boy in convos Rio: Fine we'll discuss this later Rio: 'cos ain't like it's happening now so you know Indie: locked you down w out locking in a date i get it Rio: Yeah Rio: what do you think then Rio: honest Indie: its sick news Indie: the boy be acting right & appreciating what he got 👑👑💖💖 Rio: i'm so glad you think so Rio: thanks, babe Rio: ain't gonna make a big song and dance and tell everyone but i ain't gonna hide it either Rio: know everyone gonna have an opinion, again Rio: just can't get enough, clearly 😂 Indie: feelin the love that you spoke it to me Indie: the only opinion that counts b that he aint finding no better hoe here, in the 24 or anywhere Indie: facts Rio: You gonna make me cry and they gonna throw me out this boujee ass store Indie: wipe dem tears on 💸💸💸 so they kno you can hang still Rio: 😂 Rio: already gonna be out here wearing someone's college tuition on my finger like Rio: see why people do this more than once, get a nice collection going Indie: mckenna gon 😭😭😭 boy is soft Indie: dont let him hear you chatting bout no round 2 Rio: 😏 Rio: poor baby, don't be mean Indie: catch me getting married never i gotta live this thru you amp bitches Rio: Fair, didn't ever expect I would Indie: gon kick it old school like your nan 👶👶👶👶👶 but no 💍 Rio: 😖 Glad you out here thinking so highly of me bitch 😜 Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Indie: is you got the fear tho for reals or nah? Rio: It's weird Rio: I know it's what I want like I didn't even think about saying nah but Rio: you have every other voice in your head saying it's too quick or we shouldn't even be together at all, you know Indie: i feel it Indie: i got em in mine tryna chat against everything i tryna do all the time Indie: gotta just chat back that they bein dry Rio: Yeah Rio: you right Indie: how we celebratin this?? thats what i wanna be knowing Rio: we should go out for dinner Indie: catch me thirdwheelin over 🍝 soz baby boy 💋 Rio: shh nah, it'll be good, there are some fancy places that do food you'll actually eat so we can live lavish Indie: tell him bring a friend if he rollin w any still 😂😂😏💘😏 Rio: Not tryna get you NONE at my engagement party tah Rio: get you fill o the food tho 😋 Indie: it aint gotta be heavy Indie: been long since anyone meshed me tho so help a hoe out Rio: hmm don't be tryna play addickted Rio: i'll get you a vibrator, like Rio: not to say go fuck yourself but Indie: 😂😂😂😂 when your ma been out for the day & brings home 🎁🎁s like Rio: pah, he'd actually die of embarrassment Indie: when you out your man as vanilla tho Indie: o mckenna Rio: I just don't reckon he wants to think 'bout you meshing Rio: no offence, like Indie: back trecking like its your job baby Indie: 👀 you & his ways Rio: 🙈 den gurl Indie: too late to swerve dat 🏩 Rio: 🙄 just be thankful i never brought it to ours when we was sharing Indie: safe Indie: I kno you in your ☁ rn but when you back cos shit b testing me & dat 2 drink minimum Rio: What's up? Indie: ex-boy got a new 💘 so he tryna pass my shit back but cos i aint there hes @ the squad & they vexed @ me cos of Indie: 💔💔💔💔💔 Rio: 😔 Rio: Are the lads gonna get it or nah Rio: Don't suppose it's worth seeing if Drew still wanna be Dad of the year one last time, like Rio: may as well use him if he's offering, yeah? Indie: things been heated since the 🐕 & what of mine they are holding so like no beef to the lads but idk Indie: am i tryna text him ever tho 😒😒😒 Rio: Yeah, we'll go 'round the houses when I'm back Rio: someone will go get it Rio: don't worry Rio: we won't be long now Indie: & like not tryna still have love for that boy but aint it mad quick miss me for a few after you dash me Rio: It is Rio: but I ain't surprised, it's how lads, esp lads like that, do Rio: doesn't mean it didn't mean nothing to him necessarily Rio: could still be crying 'bout it in your inbox in a few, not trying to give false hope even 'cos fuck him Indie: i dont wanna be hurtin over this no more Indie: gotta get not bothered Rio: I know Rio: fake it 'til you make it, babe Rio: all you can do Indie: innit tho Indie: tell mckenna to buy me bling too thatll help 😂😂😂😂 Rio: 😂 Rio: 'course Indie: not saying he gotta drop a rents worth on the drip like Indie: just how much he feelin Rio: also not tryna be your sisterwife like Indie: no mood Indie: he vanilla but i aint tryna compete w your moves still Rio: Teach you but I'd have to charge Indie: hes on daddy hype too hard i cant be chattin like that to him or no lad soz boy Rio: Don't really put you in any mood but 😒? Rio: Fair Indie: why drop 💸💸💸💸 on therapy when you can spend on 🚬 its all good Rio: It ain't Rio: but we'll make it Indie: you reckon drews gon show w 👶🎁🎁🎁 or imma be repin for the fam? Rio: I don't know if that'd even enter his head Rio: tbh Indie: she could ⛔ us all in a big sweep Indie: me you & him Rio: She could Rio: I don't think she will you though, babe Rio: not like you've done shit wrong Indie: she just aint about me Indie: i feel it w her too Indie: itll b how itll b Rio: yeah but she can't be that petty Rio: even if she wanna Rio: she's a grown ass woman Indie: neither of em out here acting like they grown Indie: why she gonna start when she have this kid Rio: 'cos she'll have to Rio: unlike Drew she can't just pass it around and hope everyone else does it for her Indie: yeah but she know your ma in law got her back & your real Rio: She can't let Bea raise her kid for her Rio: or Ma Rio: anyway, she's got too much pride in everything not related to Drew, trust Indie: tru Rio: I promise, it's gonna be fine Indie: i got trust in you babe thats how im here Rio: 💘💘💘 Indie: dont be letting it slip now you got 💍 Rio: Never Indie: its chill then Indie: what we tryna wear tonite bitch? Rio: got enough trust in me to lemme pick you up some fresh garms or? Indie: hmmm Indie: cos you in a ☁ yeah Indie: theres your engagement gift ✌ Indie: do it how you gonna Rio: 😂 you know I'm good Rio: and no 👗s Rio: not taking the piss Indie: 👀 Indie: no 🤡ing Rio: would I do a thing like that? Indie: nah but mckenna will if he gets pissy you aint shopping for him 😂😂😂 Rio: We already had to treat him 'cos you know Rio: men don't cuffed 'til the day of Indie: you rode him in there say no more 🤐🤐🍾🍾 Rio: 😂 Rio: Not what I meant even but not gonna lie Indie: 😏😏😏 Indie: i been knew Rio: Keeping it unpredictable is our predictable, babe Indie: you out there vibin 😍😍😍 its a day when you can be extra Indie: make most Rio: As if there's a day when I ain't 😉 Rio: At least my Ma can't say shit to me, she was a marriage and 2 kids deep by now with Eds on the way so Indie: his gon get vocal tho man i feel it Indie: 👀 his dad @ me like 😒 how she livin Rio: I know Rio: Hoping they don't notice, like lemme forget which finger this meant to go on Rio: 😬 Indie: she gon be busy @ the business end of her sis when we hit dubs you all good 😂😂😂😂 Indie: & you could always swerve it so the 💎 not facing out when they 👀 Indie: ✌ hacks Rio: am I tryna stop a muggin' or 😂 Rio: you jokes Rio: also never wanna think about her business end thanks 😷 Indie: innit her drum not got dem thin walls like ours 🙏🙏🙏 or they aint vocal how you and mckenna do Rio: Literally can't imagine how this baby came to be Rio: but I'm chill with that, I don't wanna Indie: used that medical shit fr he aint been near her thats how i clue it Rio: i'm creasing rn and can't even explain 'cos nah Indie: serious she that bitch you tryna lips her & she gotta go shower Rio: I know Rio: Childbirth gonna break her 'less she got that c-section on lock Indie: hit her w all the good gear 🚀🚀🚀🚀 Rio: Probably wanna do it without for the brag idk Indie: o snap Indie: truuuuuuuu Rio: She gotta be ready to drop any day, like Indie: 👀 &👂 Indie: we turnin up if she want us or nah Indie: how many mckennas 👶👶s you gon have? Rio: We'll be about, can't avoid School forever Rio: and shut up bitch 😂 Indie: cmon man i kno you 💭 on it Indie: he a pretty boy Rio: nah Rio: i got a life to live babe Indie: your ma been proved you can have it all bitch Indie: birth dem 👶👶s give em posh names & send em to fancy school like they da Rio: yeah n she given me enough sibs to never need my own Rio: not to mention all your drama 😜 Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: im a drama free zone now ty what you sayin Rio: whilst we in this postcode maybe Rio: but not for long babe Indie: nah for long imma be swervin that shit ✌✌ Indie: any postcode Rio: 👏 sounds good to me too Indie: got ink to jog me if i tryna slip Rio: yeah Rio: least you didn't get the M too Indie: like i been said id just put an a on it for that shoutout to my 3 mas baby 💖💖💖 all good Rio: there's always that Rio: if you really want you can add to it Rio: reclaim it, like Indie: hacks Indie: but i aint got no 💸💸💸💸 for Rio: I can pay Rio: or Ma would do it Indie: o yeah Indie: imma hit her up when we home Rio: Have you decided where you gonna be? Indie: mayb w bills cos she 😢💔 idk Rio: Yeah? Indie: if edie back then naaaaah Indie: or if drew been locked up can squat in the flat til it reclaimed Rio: We'll work something out Rio: I'll probably look for a new place Indie: you not gon move in mckennas dubs yard like you own that? Rio: Don't think the rest of 'em would appreciate that like 😏 Indie: other mckenna would rollin in that big drum solo gotta be dry Rio: Yeah still don't think I'm housemate choice no.1 Indie: thats her bad cos you 👑👑👑🔥🔥🔥👑👑👑 Rio: 💘💘💘 Rio: You biased Indie: nah i not Indie: im not here for drew just cos he blood Rio: Anyway, can't be presuming that's how he wanna be living, like Indie: is it? Rio: Yeah, he ain't coming here 'til October imagine if I'd legit moved myself in 😂 Indie: he put a 💍 on it how he not gon be down Rio: that's like rule no 1 init Rio: gotta make sure you've got your own taken care of in case everything goes tits Indie: safe Indie: 👑 moves be like Rio: If I really was probably shoulda said no shouldn't I Rio: kick it like his Ma Indie: if he wants a girl like his ma you need to have a convo Indie: that some freaky shit Rio: 😂 Rio: psych101 would blow your mind Indie: i aint even tyna kno what you mean Indie: old white dudes be cracked Rio: Yeah wouldn't have you buzzin' 'bout your daddy issues Indie: what they sayin bout? i wanna fuck drew now? plot twist fam Rio: you know Rio: we all do but clearly got it twisted 'cos my type ain't ever been my da Rio: no offence boy but Indie: your da be 😍😍😍 god bless Rio: have we swapped? 😂 Indie: he raised me higher than drew done so Indie: daddy caleb come thru Rio: 😷 Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: Such a grown convo Indie: hoe im keepin you grounded Indie: livin that grown life 24 7 w mckenna Rio: tru Rio: it's a madness i should still be in school Rio: i feel so 👵 fr Indie: you is Rio: cheeky cow Rio: meant to hype me not wreck me 😂 Indie: he be too tho Indie: so tamed its a madness Indie: remember how he used roll Rio: well you know Rio: 😻 game so strong Indie: you no need my hype bitch Indie: you know what you done Rio: You reckon Indie: girl aint be gettin a callback you got 💍💎💎 & 💒 hype Indie: he kicked it long distance for you & he aint putting in effort no way fore then Rio: Yeah Rio: ignore me Rio: just the fear init Indie: get a new drink Indie: chase that Rio: 🍾 Indie: check your boy i bet he aint feelin no fear Rio: He wouldn't say if he was Indie: hed chat it to you Indie: that boy always talking Rio: 😂 thought you reckoned he was the strong silent type Indie: that was afore he was my new daddy Indie: now i 👀 Rio: 😏 Poor boy Rio: I'll keep it on the dl, protect his ego Indie: ill keep it uncommon knowledge to protect this roof over Rio: yeah, least wait 'til you safe in the 24 to be rude 😜 Indie: innit Rio: right, we heading back Indie: ✌✌ Indie: in a few Indie: less he wants you all to himself Rio: he already been had that Indie: he gave you 💎 you can give him a day 😂😂😂 Rio: is it? Rio: why you want air? 👀 Indie: jam ma im tryna do you & your mans a solid Indie: fore i 3rd wheel your nite like Indie: aint this bitch in your pocket & way when we rollin in the 24 Rio: hmm Rio: if you're sure Indie: trust Rio: then we'll be back with your garms and the reservation later then Indie: safe Indie: dont be doing anything i aint tryna Indie: 💖💖💖💖💖 Rio: 🧡🧡🧡

[perfectionistincrisis]

Life these days!

Hmph :) So i have never..no let me write that in caps! So i have NEEEEVEEERRRRRRR (aha👌) felt this before. Like no, no its not cause i dont have a good vocabulary or something or like im not good with words or something, i mean those are not the reasons. But but i REALLY REALLY find it impossible to describe -IN WORDS- how much I feel for him. Like you know how somethings bugging you..Oh well everything bugs me.. And i DIEEE to tell him..But i cant🙃 So idk I just talk to myself maybe or like atleasr i have words i can use. But like those stuff are wordless. He means so much to mee.. And God!!!!!!! You have no idea how restless you feel when you have to keep such strong feelings suppressed within you! So normally I had some stuff to do. Like arranging my room, my clothes, my shoes, my stuff n all and i thought ill do them towards the end of vacation or in other words after my bro leaves which is like in 10 days but then i already feel like vacations ending. Now i dont mean that in a 'dramatic' way like you know, how your whole life every vaaction when its ending theres this sadness or happiness, well that depends. But like i mean there is some emotion you have towarss it and its like a "thing" like OH noo or oh yaaaayyy *dramatic* vacs almost over!!!!! Bleh -- yeah that ^ isnt there anymore. Cause like now im more of living life one day at a time. Like sure as hell i have plans/ dreams for future but when im 'living' a day at a time and you know that saying about how lifes a 'journey not a destination' - well ive been hearing it SO much since i was a kid. As in its such a mainstream quote that i just took it as something cheap and tacky w/o ever even realizing what it wants to say. I mean ok i do understand ehat it means but only now i can realize the 'depth' of it after experiencing life a bit. I think it means to say that life is ongoing, it will forever be until ofcourse we pass away. But like, then 'passing away' is the end point aka destination BUT nothing else before that is. So since passing away is certain we can ignore it and say that theres no 'destinatiom' in life. What we usually mistaken as destination are our 'dreams/ goals’ in life. But no, they are not destinations or end points. They are your targets. You want them, and yes you will adjust your life in order to focus and head towards your targets and youll be fighting for it and eventually you will reach it one day but. Your life will not end there. It does not end there. You keep living. New problems may come up. New targets will arise. So you see? Life is ongoing. May be these days youre living life but its not anywhere close to your dreams/ goals but BUTTTTT your life right now is also AS REAL as the life youre always picturing in your head. IT. IS. AS. REAL! so yeah life is ongoing. Its vacation now but yeah it wont be anymore and its not just the fact that it wont be vacation anymore but to add to that itll be SUPER hectic but yeah thats life and then before you know it therell be a vacation and then itll end and blaablaa. Life goes on!!!!! And you need to be okay with it and face anything that comes in your way with an open heart! I said face it. Means sometimes you need to accept, sometimes fight, sometimes struggle, sometimes cherish. Aha soooo ok lets get back to what i was sayin :3 Yeah so i mean its almost a month left, and for me i kind of feel like vac almost ending and i just dont really want to keep sruffs like cleaning and organisjng for the week before uni will start. So i did it this week. Also i kind of eat now. Like 'listen to my heartc typa eat. Like not apples and almonds and tea all day! So i also need to work out and so i decided this week i was going to focus on arranging my room, washing my scarves and all and my shoes and stuff and working out and eating and chilling. So well im not really done with it but its going ok. Also the reason i feel like vacation's almost over is because i finally came to know which 'rotation' i am going to start with in 4th year! So its like normally in 4th year there are 4 rotations. Surgery, Pediatrics, Internal Medicine and OB Gyne. So the females get the first 2 rotations that i mentioned above in semester 1 and the males get the last two. And in semester 2 females get last two and vice versa! Now within females/ males - you divide into 2 large groups. So 2 female groups - one starts semester 1 with surgery the other starts with peds. And similarly for males. So the whole batch is divided into 4 larges groups and at any time of the year all the 4 rotations are going on with different groups. Now lets talk about any ¼ group. So in that one group, theres roughly around 50 girls for example & they will start with lets say ‘surgery’. So now among those 50 girls, theyll need to make smaller groups of 5 members each so like 10 small groups of surgery. And now this 5 girls will be together for the whole rotation in the hospital. They go to see patients together. They meet the doctor together and everything. Only once a week there is ‘academic day’ on any specific day depending on your rotation and on that day all the 50 girls will have class at uni and like its a long day usually till 5 with many lectures by doctors. Aha so to summarize, that's how it all works! Now the thing is. People have preference. Like which rotation do you want to start with? Surgery or Peds? Haha Also, the thing is you dont get to decide! You just randomly form two big groups of equal number of girls and then they will assign a rotation randomly! But then people have preferences! Like some wants to start with surgery & some with peds. Now both has advantages & disadvantages! Surgery - ok this is hard! Its a fact, not my opinion! And it doesnt just end there! The doctors who teach surgery well let me rephrase..The “surgeons”! Well they're “surgeons” so they kind of expect you to know how everything works in the hospital right from Day 1 & they are less friendly, they teach less and expect you to know more! But if surgery is your 1st block how will you possibly know how things go in the hospital! So yeah you need to be alert always! Ok but the good side to starting with surgery is that since youre starting with it right after vacation youre all energetic and motivated and all and you can give it the attention and energy it really demands! But with time you seriously feel less motivated and its harder to study for uni! Well that is no excuse to slack off but then yeah in order to not slack off you need to work harder and harder! So thats the thing! Surgery is just easier to handle if started first but then the surgeons are the problem! Now peds. So yeah the things goods & bads of peds is the opposite of surgery! The doctors are extremely friendly and they teach but but peds is boring. Infact i personally hate peds and obgyne! So yeah! Now at first i wished i start with surgery but then with time I wanted peds. Cause like I really want to work hard for each and every block and so the timing of the rotation shouldnt matter! Whenever whatever comes, i have to face it and ace it! Simple as that. So if i start with peds I will also be able to start with friendly doctors and will have enough time to get to know how things work in the hospital rather than having surgeons who expect you to know everything on day 1! BUT BUT thats just my preference which switch from surgery to peds and anyways final say is not in my hands AND TO ADD TO THAT, more than what i preferred, i honestly left it more to Allah to give me whatever He thought was best for me. So like id say peds sounds good, but then I wouldnt like baaaaaadly want it and all like id be fine with either because im praying to Him to take care of it and help me through the entire path! Aha. So I got surgery! And i didnt feel bad even for a second. I mean. Oh surgery? Ok yeah cmon show me what you got!!!!!! :3 haha So yeah cause like now ik ill be starting eith surgery and then later peds. And like i mean just imagine like vacation started end of May and since then until beginning of this week youre completely clueless wth youll start the next year with and all is kinda confusing and then you finally know youll start with surgery. OHHHH! HOW COULD I MISSS THIS OUT. Like SURGERY!!! You GET IT????? Surgerys the REAL DEAL. i mean surgery is my thing. I never joined med school thinking ill be a ‘doctor’! I entered med school thinking ill be a ‘surgeon’ inshaAllah. AND it has never changed! So yeah! Now i never said it i think, but, i chose medicine because IN MY OPINION this is the most realistic way in which you are doing something for humanity which ultimately contributes to your religion i.e. to Allah and therefore for your own self for the Hereafter. I am aware that there are a zillion other ways to do so but i think this is number one on the list. Or if not 1 at least in the top 10! Now it doesnt end there. So first, i chose “medicine” for this reason. Now, yeah it doesnt end there. I want to be ‘involved enough’ in doing the job that i need to use to -use my own hands- to do so!!!! And thats nothing but surgery! Yeah! Thats basically what im about :):):) Aha okay so i started typing and then i keep talking talking talking and now idk what i wna say. Im all over the place looool Okayyy i need to go now! Just one thing i missed oh! Him. There's SO much of emotions stuck in me. SO Strong.. I dont think I have ever felt for him, or can ever feel for him AS MUCH AS I feel for him right now.. ❤

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[drawlynnfaves]

goddd im so done even though the end of the semester is coming soon

one of my roommates (the one whos room is riiiight next to mine so i hear her loud music and yacking to her friends every single day and night of my life) is literally the worst and also treats me like crap. so like, here’s how it is. the other roommate, K, is nice to me and would try to chip in on occasion. Terrible roommate, S, has never, and has bought almost nothing ever that all 3 of us use.

Guess what I buy that she also uses? all hand soap, all paper towels, all paper plates, all napkins, all cleaner, all toilet paper (big one), scrub brush, dish soap, sponges, aluminum foil, sugar, etc. And I got a few dollars from K back for it and 0 from S. because we’re (I am) idiots and didnt properly set any rules or know how to confront each other now about chipping in and she buys nothing EVER. BUT ANYWAY

I literally dont do anything to encroach on anyones space, i keep spaces i use clean, I stay very quiet. I took out the big trash we all use every time except two (2) times this whole year we’ve lived together at this apartment, and took it out even when 90% of the trash was from S. 

I can’t sleep when I have to hear loud noise. I put up with all the noise S has made all last semester until on one of the LAST DAYS i finally texted her at 4 AM BECAUSE SHE KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT like “im sorry, not to bother you but im trying to sleep and have to get up at 6 am tomorrow so can you please talk quieter? sorry.” and she finally shut up for once.... until this semester when i started sending texts every time shes kept me up, and now she ignores every single one, doesnt answer, and doesnt stop. ive worked up the courage to knock on the door to ask her to be quieter. she says okay, and doesnt stop. i wear earplugs and smush pillows over my head and nearly suffocate myself and sometimes can still hear her anyway. 

i literally do not ask for a fricking lot. but it does not end there. 

i dont care if people do weed, i think people can do whatever the frick they want with their lives, i really do, and honestly think its fine for people to do it. just not when its smoking in the contained space i have to live and breathe and sleep in for the day. i put up with it ALL SEMESTER wearing stuff over my face so i wouldnt have to gag on it while im trying to sleep. other roommate K also cant stand it but is more scared than me to ever say anything. My endless patience is wearing thin at this point so finally, after a very big incident of it where she had her hookah right out in the living room with 5 ppl over (btw we’re not allowed to have more than 2 guests, or do weed at all inside here or smoke anything) and smelling up the whole place as usual, i finally work up the courage to ask her “can you please not smoke it in this apartment? i really cant stand it (would have mentioned K but didnt want to speak for her) and it really smells up the whole apartment.” she looks at me warily and is like “...ok.”

she comes back in the living room and puts it back on even stronger. also THROWS A FIT to her friends, yelling “CANT WAIT TO MOVE THE FUCK OUT AND DO WHAT I WANT” bc i asked her to please not do it here.

 the next couple of days still does it. im so upset and get so close to calling the university-affiliated apartment ppl on her but never did, even when i tried to text her one time later that she ignored. she even did it today.

but it doesnt end there either

warning: NSFW topic ahead i guess if anyone reads this? also suicide mention (though nothing graphic just wanting to)

so i have to hear her have loud, loud sex. i have something wrong with me where if i have to hear actual people have sex and make noises from it i want to die and sob because im SO GROSSED OUT and cant take it and would rather be actually dead than hear it. she moans and grunts and gets spanked so loud my noise-blocking headphones dont even block it aqll out and i get so so upset. just had to go through that tonight too and had to curl up in a ball and cry bc theres nothing else i can do to cope. i just dont know what to do. every option feels like itll make things worse for me no matter what i do. 

and i would leave the apartment when this happens, but theres literally nowhere to go and its night and im in my pajamas and i have to sleep here. 

it also doesnt. end. there.

she heard me talking to my friend on the phone, trying to calm down after getting upset having to hear her have sex for the 4th time that day. she heard me telling my friend how i want to kill myself, how i hate myself, because i cant bring myself to do anything and face S about anything and im so upset. 

S later has a party this same night with like 8 people here, playing drinking games (youre not allowed to drink here but i wouldnt care if she wasnt a pain in the ass). she tells her friends about me, even though theyre all right outside my door so of course I hear. they all mock-say depressed phrases, like “oooh, i want to cut myself. oooh, i want to juuump.” and go on about how stupid white people are for being suicidal. i.. was mortified. and wanted to die more

i still dont do anything about any of this. if i called during any of the instances where she was drinking or smoking or doing anything in here she wouldve gotten kicked out of this apartment a long time ago.

it makes it even harder bc tonight wouldve been the last straw but she started having sex after smoking her weed and i didnt want to have the apartment ppl come and barge in on her having sex?? i cant knock on her door during that either so im like... idk 

I still do nothing after all this. i am such a coward.  the most i could do and just did was leave a note in response to one of HER many passive aggressive notes to us about keeping things clean (which is a whole nother one of her issues bc she herself keeps nothing clean) where, i was like “yea that dish wasnt from me. p.s. stop having sex so loud thanks.”

i heard her just now laugh and throw the note out and say something about me bc she fricking hates me

god i just want peace. i want to leave so bad. we only have a week left but idk how im going to make it with her. im about ready to freak out at her after all this built up all year but i dont think i will bc i know itll end with her just making things worse for me