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Center of Your Universe - A KNJ Fanfic | Ch 4

Pairing: idol!Kim Namjoon x female idol!Reader

Status: Ongoing

Word Count: 11625

Genre: Rivals2Lovers. Fluff. Eventual implied smut and angst. Slow burn. idol!AU

Summary: It’s 2019 and Kim Namjoon is conquering the globe with his Bangtan brothers by his side. However, BTS can’t seem to shake their top girl group rival from chasing their names across music charts and award nominations worldwide. Now, the boys have no problem with that in any way; in fact they’ve come to respect the girls of HELIOS and their never ending climb to fame that seemed to match their own success. The only real “problem” Namjoon sees is that HELIOS’ confident, fearless, and overall badass of a leader seems to absolutely hate him. And as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, it does keep him awake at night.

T/W: Depictions of panic attacks

A/N: I’m not dead, I promise! I had this chapter in my drafts for three years because I literally didn’t know how to write the rest of it. But I did it! I finally got around to finishing it, so no this fic isn’t dead and I’m not abandoning it! It’s just been hard to write and life has been getting in the way. There’s plenty of mistakes in this chapter alone, but I’ll try to get around to fixing them, so please enjoy anyway!

Tagged: @jinjccns @craftymoonchaos @thia-aep @arminwluv Prologue | Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 |

Sometimes Namjoon forgets that the beginning of every tour is always the busiest. From the minute they touch down and get off the plane, it's a non stop hustle from there; especially for the first performance.

To be honest, Namjoon can’t remember the last time he had a good night’s rest since he left Korea. His days have been filled to the brim with meetings and rehearsals to ensure the success of their first show; leaving him exhausted and drained by the time he hit his hotel bed, only to wake up a few hours later to do it all over again.

Nonetheless, BTS managed to kick off their Speak Yourself tour with an incredible start with their LA show, putting everyone’s minds, nerves, and worries at ease as they continued to prep for the rest of the tour.

By the time they reached their short stop in Northern California, Namjoon was close to feeling completely at ease as he and the boys settled into the routine of touring.

Although he couldn’t help but notice that his attitude towards this world tour was a bit different than the others in the past. He felt as if the weight on his shoulder had been slightly lifted thanks to a certain someone he hadn’t stopped texting since he received her number.

Yerin had been nothing but a breath of fresh air in Namjoon's hectic lifestyle. Sure, he had his family, his close friends, and the boys to talk to when things grew stressful. But with Yerin, it seemed she always knew what to say, and it never failed to put his mind at ease.

As Namjoon walks down the hallway to reach Yoongi’s hotel room, another ping vibrates his phone. He swiftly pulls out his phone to view the message with a goofy grin stretching across his face. Another inside joke from Yerin evokes a frenzied response of laugh-crying emojis before slipping his phone back into his pocket as he reaches the door. He carefully composes himself with a deep breath before stretching out a hand to knock.

So Namjoon may or may not have decided to keep Yerin a secret from literally everyone else, only as a precaution until he has free time to reflect on his new “friendship” with her. Between the meaningful advice and clever jokes that were arguably better than Jin’s—don’t let him know that—Namjoon may or may not have “slid in the DMs” with some flirty comments as well. Not that he assumed it would get him anywhere, but it started feeling nice when Yerin began to reciprocate. However, he’s still unsure of where this may go and is definitely too busy to figure it out now, so keeping it his own little secret was the option he finally decided on.

That, and he’d rather not face the relentless childish teasing from his group mates about a “secret crush.”

Through the door, Namjoon can hear the sound of the tv coupled with the faint chatter of the boys before he raps on the door again. The door finally opens with a small crack as Jimin peeks out from behind.

“What’s the password?” He questions with a smile.

Namjoon deadpans, too tired to entertain stupid jokes “Jimin, let me in.”

“Actually the password is Jimin, you’re the greatest man on earth,’ but you got half of it right so I’ll let it slide.”

Jimin snickers as he swings the door wide, allowing his leader to step through.

Inside, the boys have already made themselves comfortable on top of the two beds that occupy Yoongi’s room. One bed is taken by Jungkook, Hoseok and Jin while the other holds Taehyung and an exhausted Yoongi who is already completely tucked into bed and attempting to fall asleep. Various bags of snacks are stuffed in between each member as they chat over the TV running through the advertisements.

“Grab a chip bag and pick a spot, but don’t be too loud or the old man will complain,” Jimin follows Namjoon in before hopping in between Taehyung and Yoongi to reclaim his spot. From underneath the covers Yoongi groans in protest, which ultimately goes ignored.

Not wanting to aggravate his sleep deprived hyung any more than the others already have, Namjoon decides to take the empty corner of the other bed. Grabbing an unopened bag of Lays, he makes himself comfortable on the crowded bed, but not before checking his phone one last time for messages.

I’ll let you rest for tonight, I know it’s late for you. Talk to you tomorrow <3 [9:15 PM]

Carefully aware of the presence around him, Namjoon keeps his reactions inconspicuous as he bids his goodnight to Yerin before switching his phone on silent.

“So what are you guys watching?” He finally inquires with his bedmates.

“HELIOS’ first interview of their tour. They just got to LA two days ago.” Hoseok answers, confirming with an article open on his phone of your group’s arrival to the States. Namjoon does nothing but stare at Hoseok’s phone, the papp shot of you and your groupmates walking through LAX glares back at him.

This was the first time your name has entered his space since he left for tour; and truth be told, Namjoon doesn’t really know how to react to the mention of your name anymore. He hasn’t seen you since that party, and between schedules and talking to Yerin, he hasn’t allowed himself to really think about you at all.

Remembering how he was shortly obsessed with you and wondering why you hated him so much, Namjoon can’t help but inwardly chuckle over how stupid he was acting and how fast he managed to get over you by getting on with his life. In the end, everyone who told him was right all along.

Suddenly, the channel switches back to the main program, the host of the talk show introducing the viewers to their next guests finally pulls Namjoon’s attention away from the phone screen.

“-please welcome, HELIOS!”

From behind the stage, you and the girls walk out and wave to everyone in the crowd, especially the ones they’ve extended to seat onto the floor as they cheer and scream.

It takes a minute for Namjoon to process seeing your face again. Albeit through the screen and not in person, this is the first time in a month that he gets to see you again. Your presence is still radiant as ever, donning your signature show stopping grin as you stand with your group, dressed in your matching performance outfits.

You finally take your seats as the host greets you and allows you to make your formal introductions. You lead your group into introducing HELIOS’ before you all introduce yourselves one by one. The boys around him giggle and compare the similarities of how HALOS cheered wildly for each member much like ARMYS did for them. However Namjoon keeps his eyes trained on you alone.

Slowly but surely, all of those complex feelings begin to stir in the pit of Namjoons stomach, placing him right back where he was the last time he saw you. From your confident smile that graces your features to the way you address the host and crowd, it sets him back to the starting line, completely erasing any sort of progress he had of “moving on” from this little problem he has with you.

However this time, he notices there’s something off in the way you present your smile.

As an idol of this current generation, maintaining a professional front could arguably be the most required skill needed in the industry. Between interviews and special events, what mattered most was the way you carried yourself on the outside; and you’ve worked hard to nail down this since the beginning of your career.

To Namjoon, you always seemed to have the perfect—well, everything. The perfect walk for the red carpet, the perfect smile for all the flashing cameras, the perfect charisma to grace anyone throwing stale interview questions your way.

However, as he watches you now on the screen, he can see the stress eating away at your perfect image.

It can go unnoticed by the untrained eye, but by looking hard enough, Namjoon could tell how tense you were. By the way your jaw was set, how you keep slightly adjusting your thighs on the chair, the movement of your thumb smoothing out the back of your hand, you were nervous.

The feeling in his stomach immediately turns into regret, suddenly feeling bad for you. He knew the feeling all too well; trying to make a good impression while trying to keep decent composure. However, you were in your home country. These were talk shows you most likely grew up with. So you should know what to expect, right?

— + — + — + —

Only 5 minutes into the interview and you were already hit with the mundane questions about your group’s tour and the rising success you’ve encountered in the last year. You’ve managed to answer each question flawlessly with a few jokes sprinkled here and there which enticed the crowd even more.

All the while, the boys have been commentating on their ability to have a pretty good interview despite all the boring questions that were tossed in. They could tell you and the girls have been well prepared as they witness each member take turns answering each question eloquently. And in perfect English no less as Jungkook pointed out.

However with these types of interviews, they knew they couldn’t go without being asked some superficial question that was irrelevant to their careers. Glancing at the host, Namjoon noted the determined smirk set on her face. Subtle to the rest of the crowd, but he could sense she was trying to stir up some drama.

“Who wants to bet that they’ll be asked something stupid like our ‘rivalry?’” Taehyung jokingly offers to the group.

“Wait till she asks about an English single first, seems like the route she’s going next.” Jungkook challenges back, bringing the boys to a collective chuckle.

“C’mon you guys that's enough, quit trying to place bets on their interview and just watch,” Namjoon offers as an attempt to join the conversation, plopping another chip in his mouth before continuing, “besides, she has to ask them about their boyfriends first.”

The room erupts with immediate laughter with a couple of the members smacking Namjoon for the out of pocket response. However it quickly dissipates with the approach of the host's next question—and Yoongi’s tired grumbling.

“So you’re not the only kpop group that’s dominating the charts right now. There’s also BTS-“ the host is cut off by the collective screams of the fans.

Taehyung claps and victoriously points to the tv. “Ha! I called it!”

Namjoon rolls his eyes and tries to analyze your face for any sort of reaction, although hard to do when the camera is always turned away from you.

The studio audience manages to quiet down enough where the host can continue with her question. She notes how BTS and HELIOS are currently the two biggest Kpop groups who are experiencing the same climb of fame simultaneously then leads on with Taehyung’s predicted question of rivalry.

As the crowd goes wild with mixed reactions, the camera finally pans over to you and the girls. You all share the same awkward smile as you glance towards each other, contemplating your next move while you wait for the audience to calm down once more.

No one else probably wouldn’t have noticed, but Namjoon can clearly see the distress on your face masked by a charming smile. With this, Namjoon slightly leans forward in concentration, curious about what you will say next. He was genuinely unsure about your stance on the rivalry between the two groups, given that you’ve made your opinion on him quite clear in the past.

True to your fashion, you managed to dodge controversy by explaining the difference between your group and his.

“Well, I guess our rise in fame can be seen as two different journeys for both of our groups. And honestly there’s not so much a rivalry as there is a mutual respect for one another as we both continue to grow in our own ways.” You offer with a nod.

Well, that response colored Namjoon impressed.

“But there’s gotta be some sort of rivalry going on between you guys.” The host adamantly continued to press on, looking at you in particular. “I mean there has to be some beef, I bet you’re just hiding it.”

The girls let out a shared awkward chuckle before Hyojin shot forward with her response with a raise of her hand.

“The only beef we have is Korean BBQ!” She proudly states with a quirk of her lips. The audience roars with cheer and laughter and the girls settle their nerves again.

“Wow, that was pretty good.” Jimin notes as he finishes another small chip bag.

The rest of the girls let out an earnest laugh at the joke made by their youngest before you pull in the reins and continue on with the interview.

“No, in all actuality we do admire them, BTS has been an inspiration to us and we’re honestly big fans of their music. We don’t get to see them often since we are both busy with our schedules but I can tell you they are the most down to earth, hard working people you’ll ever get to know.” You finish your final statement proudly with a genuine smile. A smile that causes Namjoon’s stomach to turn just a bit.

It’s all for show. He bitterly reminds himself. She doesn’t actually mean that, if she did she wouldn’t treat you the way she does.

The crowd cooes with a collective “awww” and gives the girls a round of applause before the host can move on to the next topic.

“You hear that hyung? Y/N doesn’t hate you, she looks up to you.” Jungkook snickers as he nudges his elder with his foot. Namjoon feigns a laugh before smacking his foot away.

Before Jungkook can retaliate, the host moves on to the next question.

“So, do y’all have any boyfriends?”

Namjoon's eyes widen, quickly searching for your face on the screen. He could practically see the color drain from your face as you’re caught off guard by the infamous “relationship question.”

“Hey Namjoon called it!” Hoseok laughs as he smacks their leader on the back.

Ignoring this, Namjoon furrows his brows as he maintains his focus on you, anticipating how you could dodge this controversial question.

A beat passes before your expression suddenly shifts. A determined smirk grows on your face and you bite your bottom lip, a habit Namjoon has noticed from watching many of your interviews in the past few months. It increased his heart rate; you already had an answer ready, a good answer you knew you were confident in.

“C’mon now, you know we don’t have time for that. Besides, we're all married anyway!”

This throws the host in for a loop as her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline while the entire studio collectively gasps in shock.

Jin suddenly chokes mid bite on his chip before clearing his throat. “Did she just say she was married!?” He is immediately shushed by the rest of the boys as they all anticipate the rest of the controversial topic.

Your group mates along with the rest of the studio share the same incomprehensible look on their faces as they stare at you with the word “marriage” hanging from your lips. After a pause the host finally speaks up.

“Wait, you're married?”

Namjoon could basically feel the blood drain from his entire body. Married!? Why would you say you're married? Are you really? Was he missing something here? Did you have a secret wedding that he didn’t know about?

Suddenly, you let out a playful giggle as you flaunt your left hand, wiggling your ring adorned fingers at the host.

“Yeah! We’re married to the game of course!” Your smirk grows into a devious grin as the crowd is overcome with cheer and laughter.

A wave of relief rushes through Namjoon at the explanation, now connecting the pieces together as confused chatter rouses the hotel room.

“I have no idea what she means by that.” Grunts Yoongi from the comfortable side of his bed. The others turn to their leader for a better explanation.

“She means they’re dedicated to being an idol, it’s an American saying I guess.” Namjoon scratches the back of his head as he offers as a direct translation. The boys slowly nod their heads despite the shared confusion in the air.

"Well the crowd ate that shit up," Jungkook acknowledged. "Better than what we said," he snickered, poking at his hyung with his foot, "What did you tell her again?"

Namjoon shook his head, trying to forget the cringey moment he tried to dodge that question himself the last time they were on the show, "Man I don't know, I probably just bullshited an answer."

"Yeah and then she scared the hell out of us!" Hoseok suddenly wails.

"You mean she scared the hell out of you" Taehyung jabs back. The rest of the room erupts in snickers as they imitate Hoseok’s reaction to the jump scare prank they endured on the same show.

As the laughter starts to die down, the interview comes to a close with the host announcing HELIOS’ following performance.

“Well their interview was pretty good. I mean look how they handled each question! It’s better than anything I could come up with.” Jin comments, eliciting a mutual response from the rest of the boys.

“Yeah it was, but if you haven’t all noticed it’s late and we need to get up early tomorrow so we can head out on time.” Yoongi grumbles, finally signifying the end of their watch party.

The rest of the boys begin to clean up their mess and slowly shuffle out of the room to retire for the night. The last ones to linger while tidying up is the dutiful leader and the ever observant maknae who has definitely noticed his hyung hanging around the tv a little longer.

Hardly containing his playful smile, Jungkook slyly moves past Namjoon for the trash can with the last of the garbage.

“Waiting for something on the tv hyung?”

Namjoon, who has kept himself a little too busy smoothing out the duvet as his eyes remain glued to the tv, finally snaps out of his trance.

“What?”

The elder is dumbfounded, and Jungkook can only grin as he walks back over to his hyung, swinging an arm around his shoulder as he leads him to the door.

“Don’t worry, you can still watch the performance before you go to bed. Let’s get you back so you don’t miss it.” Jungkook cheekily grins as he waves off the last member in the room.

“Goodnight hyung!”

“Turn the light off on your way out!” Yoongi shouts back, turning over under the covers to finally get some rest.

After stepping out into the hallway, Namjoon finally finds his voice and shakes off his maknae in embarrassment.

“I’m not trying to watch their performance Jungkookie.” He tries to defend, although feeling silly for doing so anyway; he could practically feel his cheeks light up.

Jungkook stands in front of Namjoon, grin widening with new found knowledge, but opts for not pushing anything forward. He simply shrugs and turns on his heel towards his own room down the hall.

“Alright then, goodnight hyung!” Namjoon watches the youngest retreats with a slight bounce in his step before disappearing into one of the doors, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

I really wasn’t trying to, Namjoon attempts to reason with himself as he walks back to his own room. But even in his head, the defense sounds just as fake as he spoke it.

And it was true. Namjoon did end up under the covers watching HELIOS’ performance on his phone anyway, and there was hardly any time to feel bad about it.

What really occupied his mind, as he watched you perform with your unbeatable charisma and stage presence, was how you handled yourself during the interview. Namjoon was never going to admit it out loud, but he may have rewatched the recording of your interview right after the performance, rewinding and analyzing every single movement you made.

That’s when the first inkling of remorse for you began to bloom through his chest. He knew how tough interviews can be; regardless of being local or international. Saying the right thing at the right time was akin to an art form that was to be mastered after years of practice. And it may not matter how well versed you are in conversation, the unexpected could make any well prepared individual sit in dread as questions are being thrown at you left and right with no time to process them in your brain.

Yet you handled each question with such wit and grace Namjoon almost couldn’t tell your nerves being noticeably out of your element. And for that, he couldn’t decide whether or not to just be impressed or want to comfort you; tell you that it was okay and you did far better than he could ever do himself. He bit his lip as he continuously taps the screen to fast forward; only stopping at the scene of your pink lips upturning in a smirk with your declaration of marriage, teasing the audience and nearly giving him a heart attack.

But what happened to never bothering with her ever again? The little voice in his head wanders back into his consciousness.

Namjoon pauses the video, your face freezing in the beautiful yet playful grin that grew on your face before you delivered the punchline. It takes him a moment to realize that he is indeed under the covers with his face inches from his phone, hiding like a prepubescent teen with a secret. The same position he was in the night he watched that Knowing Bros episode months ago.

That’s right, he was doing such a good job on the whole “not focusing on Y/N for the rest of his life” plan up until you popped right back up in his universe. He was even making progress with a girl who was definitely not you! All of it, thrown off by yet another interview with you being your usual charming self.

He quickly clicked his phone off and tossed it on the nightstand. Rolling on his back, he threw an arm over his eyes and steadied his breaths.

Okay, ignoring you completely had apparently done a number on his ego and the so-called “progress” he had on forgetting you had chucked itself out the window of whatever hotel floor he was currently on. So maybe the plan needed to be reevaluated.

Maybe he didn’t need to completely shut you out of his life. Maybe he didn’t have to ignore your name if it came through on his social media feed or in general conversation. Did he have to talk to you or about you? Of course not. With his schedule and your attitude, he probably wouldn’t get the chance to do either for a long while anyway.

But can he allow himself to be graced by your presence should he so happen to see a video or post about you online?

Namjoon’s fingers immediately twitched with the urge to find his phone again. Resisting, he tossed himself over on his side away from the nightstand.

Well… it’s not like you’re interacting directly with her anyway, no harm in that. He attempts to reason with the dark.

You along with HELIOS were growing bigger with each passing day, and there wouldn’t be a day where he wouldn’t witness your name in bright lights or across headlines. So why should he beat himself over when you reside with him in the same atmosphere?

It’s inevitable that he would always bump into you one way or another, it wouldn’t do him any good to continue running away from it.

So with that, Namjoon lets himself sink into his hotel bed. He slowly closes his eyes on the decision of not complicating himself by completely blacklisting you from his life. He levels his breathing while mulling over not being guilty about any more thoughts of you.

Then eventually, he dozes off with your signature smile gleaming behind his eyelids, inviting him into sleep.

— + — + — + —

After leaving California and making headway through the rest of the North American leg of the tour, the boys finally found themselves in a steady rhythm of tour life. Scheduled filled days of back to back rehearsals and interviews and concerts were now part of an easy norm the boys finally had shifted into their daily lives, and not to mention all the off days they used to explore the area around them every time they reached a new city.

As for Namjoon, it was now easier managing work and personal time together when they blended easily into his daily routine. Especially since he finally let go of his gripe about forgetting you completely.

Another thing he wouldn’t ever admit to was the fact that he now made you somewhat a part of his daily routine as well.

Between working with the boys and texting Yerin on the down low, he’s made an unconscious routine to check up on HELIOS from time to time as you followed suit en route of your first world tour.

‘Which so happened to follow BTS’ route very closely,’ Namjoon slowly let himself believe every time he checked Twitter.

By the time they were in Chicago, tweets about HELIOS’ tour had slowly rotated into his algorithm after his private account—read: inconspicuous stan account—just so happened to like a few posts regarding their first interview where Y/N rocked the fan base with her declaration of “marriage”

“Y/N came to LA for BUSINESS AND BUSINESS ONLY”

“The way Y/N said “fuck off with your rumors, we aint doin this shit today”

“But that face?? Her smirk???? She came for their THROATS”

“My girls said ‘we’re here for the bag. Nothing else.’”

Eventually, liking a few posts turned into liking concert fan cams to liking general fan edit videos to following popular HELIOS stan accounts, with most of those accounts centering around you of course.

When they got to New Jersey, Namjoon had finally subscribed to every official HELIOS account on social media, starting with their YouTube account where he found out you and your girls were actually documenting the tour with short clips of different momentous occasions.

That’s when Namjoon had begun to view Y/N in a new light.

One of the first few episodes featured a very heartfelt point of view from Y/N finally returning to her home country for the first time since she left years ago to train in the industry.

“Am I glad to be back home? Yeah of course,” Namjoon watched Y/N sigh to the vlog camera one night. It was the night of their last concert in LA and the next venue was near your hometown.

“Actually, we’re going to my hometown next, that’s where the next show is, but um…” You look away in thought, but your lips turn in a pained smile.

“My family said they wouldn’t be able to come, and management said I’d be too busy to find time to see them.” You sigh in frustration, but quickly shake it off with a brave smile on your face.

“So I’ll be doing my absolute best for them! And for you guys! We’ll see you there!”

Your declaration left Namjoon’s heart in the pit of his stomach until he was able to watch the next episode on his way to Brazil a week later.

He witnessed a whole montage of a secret plan the rest of HELIOS carried out to surprise you with a welcome home party and all of your family members in attendance.

Although it could’ve been arguably cruel to watch your bandmates record you rehearsing your frustrations out—and secretly snicker about it on the side— it was worth to see you complete overcome with joy when you were led into the hotel’s banquet hall by Yuna and Sumi as Hyojin led your entire family in surprising you.

Namjoon also may or may not have shed a tear when he saw you collapse into your parents arms, sobbing with them as you were finally reunited after so many years.

When they left Brazil for Europe, Namjoon had seen almost 20 different angles of your performances as well as your leader persona in action during rehearsals for your concerts. As lead dancer of the group, the tour vlogs consisted of a lot of direction and guidance of your group mastering each choreo for your setlist. You were a model leader, making sure you supported and guided your group to give their best performance.

Some might call it alluring when in every fancam, you moved with such control and grace, belting your power vocals as you thrive in your “girl crush” persona. Every fancam Namjoon came across had the audience falling head over heels every time you dropped it low and rolled your body and hips to the beat of the song—something he definitely didn’t let his eyes linger on for longer than he should’ve while rewatching his favorite videos.

This was fine. He kept you at arms length like he wanted, letting himself fall curious as to what you were doing as an idol but not having to interact with you directly. This was definitely a healthy balance for him to manage. Plus you were a common topic for him and Yerin to converse about; HELIOS was one of her favorite girl groups and what kind of man would he be if he didn’t immerse himself in his lovely lady-friend’s interests?

But as Day 2 for Wembley in London rolled around, Namjoon kept himself so preoccupied with catching up on your weekly vlogs, concert fan cams, and personal Vlives, he completely missed the memo that your tour paths had crossed with his.

And you were in town for their last concert in the UK.

— + — + — + —

“Have you noticed him looking for you?”

“Him who?”

“Y'know who.”

You groan and roll your eyes, fighting hard to not to make it look like you were searching for the specific pair Sumi’s been teasing you about for the last hour and a half of the concert.

“You’re hallucinating, he doesn’t know we’re up here.” You try to reason as you maintain your attention Jimin’s solo and not on an annoying maknae who’s two seconds away from getting a fat slap to the face.

“Yeah you keep telling yourself that, but the boys know we’re here and out of seven heads there was only one who kept looking up at our private box.” Sumi snickers.

Hyojin’s giggling cuts through your moment of internal rage to defend you. “C’mon Sumi, leave unnie alone.”

She gets up and motions for Sumi to follow her back inside, but not before leaning over to whisper in your ear.

“It’s okay, you can admit that you were watching him, I’m pretty he’s looking for you too.”

You move to lunge for the younger girls as they collectively snicker and run out of the way into the box for more food, leaving you to slowly settle back down in your seat and throw your arms crossed over your chest, growling like some deranged animal.

They’re lying. They're definitely lying. There was no way he knew you were up here.

How you ended up at the last concert you ever wanted to attend, you still don’t know.

Well no—actually you do know, Jina unnie basically told you you had to go.

Regardless, you slowly slump further down in your chair, forcing yourself to at least enjoy the part of the show where he wasn’t on stage.

“Out of all of my off days…” you let yourself sink into self pity before you feel a figure settle next to you, then a quick pinch to the shell of your ear.

Yelping in shock, you repel back as you shield your ear away from your offender. Yuna, suspect number one, cocks a brow back your way while making herself comfortable next to you.

“That was fucking rude.” You mumble under your breath, but does not go unnoticed as Yuna swats your arm.

“No, the attitude you’ve had since we got here is rude.”

“But did we really have to come!? It’s our day off and we could be off doing something else!” You whine out loud, Yuna snaps her head at you with a dirty look.

“And do what Y/N? Rehearse until you injure yourself?” Yuna fires back, “You’ve done nothing but practice and rehearse for every concert with no time to really relax!”

At that, you say nothing and keep your blank gaze directed towards the stage as Jimin wraps up his set. What could you say? All you knew is that you were at a BTS concert that you didn’t want to be at. However, Yuna already knew all of this and decided that it was time to probe your brain for more information.

“I know you’re not pouting over the fact that we were sent to BTS’ concert, you talk to Jungkook and Taehyung too much to hate it here.” She continues to prod, instigating an impromptu intervention. “So what’s the real issue here?”

The problem is you know what the real issue is. You and everyone else who has been in your presence for the last few years knows you don’t hate BTS entirely.

They, as a whole, weren’t the problem.

Slowly the lights change and the familiar chords of a piano sound through the speakers. A chill rolls down your spine as you feel your heart rate increase with the cheering crowd. You just realized who the next solo is.

Sure enough, Namjoon emerges from beneath the stage with a bright smile, addressing the crowd for his solo. You involuntarily flush at his profile appearing on the big screen as he raps the first lines of “Trivia: Love.”

“Ah, there it is.” Yuna slyly whispers in your ear.

You recede back into your seat again, now in embarrassment as you cower away from the direction of your elder and the man on stage.

Yuna laughs lightheartedly, knowing too well of your issues as your main confidant. At this point you’re sure she’s just abusing her knowledge just to tease you.

“You can’t hide from me Y/N, so spill. What’s your problem with Namjoon this time?”

You weigh the options between confronting your personal issues with her now and continue to stay silently or endure the torment of mockery from your girls and the man who is unknowingly the source of your first world problems.

Well being teased for the rest of the night wouldn’t be ideal.

You let out a deep sigh, refusing to look at Yuna and opting to just watch Namjoon perform. “I had a conversation with Johnny before we left, he thinks I’m jealous of Namjoon.”

“I mean, you make it pretty obvious.” Yuna wastes no time with being blunt.

“Well damn should I just write it on my forehead then!?” You bark back.

“Hey! Yelling at me over your unnecessary beef with a man you hardly ever talk to isn’t going to solve your problems.” She sizes you back down with a hard voice. You freeze, then settle back in your seat, mumbling an apology. Once you’ve calmed down, she prods again with a softer voice.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, are you really jealous of Namjoon and everything?”

You still refuse to look at her, continuing to watch Namjoon glide around the stage rapping about his declaration of love. Even without the cameras trained on his face, you can see his brilliant grin from your box as he lets himself go with the music. The heat starts to pool into your cheeks.

He really looks beautiful

Yuna nudges you out of your trance, repeating her question again.

Oh yeah, you were talking. You comb your brain for a sensible response but you’re slightly surprised to find it’s a bit difficult to concentrate as you watch Namjoon down below.

“I- I guess I am? But I know I shouldn’t and it’s stupid. But I can’t help but have these...feelings? Like I'm feeling something and I don’t know what those feelings are…” You begin to babble, but ultimately your words die down on your tongue as your attention refocuses back on Namjoon.

It wasn’t a lie, he really did look beautiful down there in his element—on stage. With the way he pours out his passion into his performance, anyone could tell Namjoon was born to perform. It almost made you… calm? Content? Almost serene in a way. It wasn’t just a song he was performing, it was almost like he was having a conversation; telling his audience, ARMYs, that he truly loved them.

You inadvertently lock eyes with him through the big screen as he raps for the camera, chanting his message of love with the crowd.

Somewhere deep inside, something yearns for that message to be for you as well.

He’s wrapping up the bridge and slowing down for the refrain. Unlike the other solos you’ve seen from the boys, Namjoon’s stage only accounted for him with the props limited to the AR visuals that accompanied him on the screens.

You watch him as he plays with the virtual lights that move under his command, forming into hearts, all while he raps of love. You’ve heard this solo many times in passing, but something about witnessing it live ramps up your heart rate with the energy of the stadium. The last beats of the refrain pump through your blood as it finally drops with Namjoon leading into the final chorus.

The entire conversation of “feelings” is ultimately lost as Yuna, who hasn’t stopped staring at you since you’ve trailed off, watches you completely enraptured in Namjoon’s performance. The lights dance off your face as she studies the soft look that follows the man on stage. In the years she’s known you, she had never seen that look on you before, and definitely not for the man that you’ve claimed as your enemy.

This was completely different. An utterly vulnerable moment where you’ve dropped all your walls and have exposed your true emotions. And with Yuna being the eldest and—self proclaimed—wisest of the group, she doesn’t push forward on it. Instead, she leans back in her seat as the song ends with Namjoon’s final lines. Stealing one last look from you, she confirms everything from the longing look in your eyes to the small but genuine smile that graces your lips.

Yuna grins to herself, locking this information away for the future.

— + — + — + —

“Wait, so they were THERE?” Namjoon desperately tries to confirm with anyone in the car of this newfound information.

He absolutely had no idea that you and the girls were at Wembley. And to be honest, he was kind of disappointed he was only hearing about this on his ride to the airport en route to Paris.

Or was he disappointed you didn’t come see them backstage afterwards?

“Yes they were there, but they had to leave at the end of the show since they had an early schedule the next day.” An assistant sitting in the passenger seat of the shared van responds. “...Although, we did tell you guys in the wrap up meeting before you left for the hotel.”

Namjoon blinks, then swiftly turns to Hoseok seated to his right.

“Hob-ah, they told us?” Hoseok splits into a grin at the urgent tone of his leader's voice.

“Yes Joon, they were there. Weren’t you paying attention?”

Namjoon falls back into his seat as he racks his brain for the lost memory. The aftermath of Wembley D2 was a complete blur; they finished the show strong, grouped up backstage, were ushered back to the hotel to pack and rest, then left this morning.

We’re his days blurring together again?

Namjoon sat confused until his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out to see a message from Hoseok. He turned to the man in question, but only found him tapping away on his own screen as Namjoon's phone buzzed twice more.

Hoseok: You sure you don’t remember?

Hoseok: Maybe this might jog your memory

Hoseok: 😮🤳😂🤳😍🤳🥵😩🤤🤪❤️❤️❤️❤️

Namjoon stares at the string of emojis before turning back to Hoseok.

“What the hell is all that?”

“C’mon, try to use that big brain of yours at least,” Hoseok snickers as he types something else, then finally turns to meet his leader's confused glare with wiggling eyebrows. “Or is it occupied with a certain girl group you’re suddenly interested in?”

Namjoon brows only furrow deeper. “What are you on about? Just tell me.”

Hoseok raises a hand in mock surrender before typing away at his phone again. “Listen, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You shouldn’t have to hide the fact that you’re a HALO now. At least not from us.”

At this, Namjoon flushes and quickly jumps on the defense. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, where the hell did you get this from?”

Hoseok cocks an eyebrow in retaliation. “Seriously? You don’t know? Shall I shed some sun-light on this situation?”

Before Namjoon could interject, a ping signifying an invite to a new group chat sounds off on his phone. Reluctantly, Namjoon accepts the invite and groans at the sight of its name.

INTERVENTION ROOM: JOON IS NOW A HELIOS STAN

Hoseok: He’s here!

Jimin: FINALLY

Taehyung: About time lol

Jungkook: lmaoooo

Jin: Hobi I TOLD you we weren’t ready for him yet

Jin: We we’re supposed to do this when we got to the hotel

Hoseok: He was asking questions! I thought this would be a better time!

Jin: NOT ON OUR PHONES IN SEPARATE CARS ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT

Hoseok: 🤷🏻‍♂️

Namjoon: Guys is this really necessary?

Jungkook: Yes

Jimin: Yep

Taehyung: Honestly, I’m just here for the entertainment 😀

Yoongi: I agree with Joon, I don’t think this is remotely necessary

Namjoon: THANK YOU hyung

Yoongi: Sure thing. I’m gonna take a nap now, have fun tearing him apart

Namjoon: Hyung wtf

Jin: Namjoon we’re not tearing you apart, we’re just simply weighing in on a possible obsession you have

Jungkook: Do you know how many fancams he’s liked on Twitter and Insta? It’s more than just an “obsession” hyung

Namjoon: Kook have you been spying on my phone?

Jimin: Well is it really spying when you’re literally watching Y/N wind her hips in 5 different angles out in the open?

Taehyung: OOH CALLED OUT

Namjoon: Okay I’m out, thanks for having me

Jungkook: Laaame. We haven’t even talked about who your potential bias is

Taehyung: I still got my money on Yuna

Jimin: Nah, it’s definitely Y/N

Namjoon: I said I’m out

Yoongi: Y/N is definitely Joon’s type

Hoseok: THE WISE MAN HAS SPOKEN

Namjoon didn’t even bother to read the rest of the conversation as he removed himself from the group and silenced his phone. He promptly shoved it back in his pocket, ignoring the disgruntled sounds of disapproval from Hoseok, and settled for watching the highway zip by through the window.

So now Namjoon is aware that he hasn’t been all too careful with his deep dive into the HELIOS fandom, but he was more surprised over the fact he was caught lurking on HALO stan accounts and not with texting Yerin.

Which now that he remembers; that was the last person he was actually talking to since the show ended.

— + — + — + —

“-and so I guess they just happened to look over my shoulder everytime HELIOS was on my timeline.” Namjoon sheepishly admits to the phone as he takes a seat while rubbing the towel over his damp hair. Lithe laughter sounds from the speaker as Namjoon relaxes into his chair with a soft smile.

“Sounds to me you do have an obsession,” Yerin chuckles on the screen, resting her chin on her hand. “Why would you have so many posts about HELIOS on your feed if you didn’t? Didn’t you know social media is always tailored to your most current hyperfixations?”

Namjoon snorts and lolls his head back, a totally inconspicuous way to show off his shirtless chest fresh out of the shower. “Oh please, they’re one of the two biggest Kpop groups currently on world tour with similar routes, people are bound to either talk about us or them.”

Yerin hums in response, arching an eyebrow. “Someone’s a little cocky.”

Albeit trying his hardest to flaunt his confidence, Namjoon feels the heat creep across his cheeks as he moves to sit up right. He’s still not used to flirting with someone like Yerin.

In fact, finding time to actually video call Yerin was very few and far between, so it was rare for Namjoon to hold a casual conversation with her that wasn’t through written word. Even still, seeing her still brought out the embarrassingly giddy side of him trying a little too hard to impress a pretty girl he’s come to like.

If he could slap himself directly, he definitely wouldn’t hesitate to do so. How old was he? 14?

Can anyone blame you? The little voice in his head creeps in. Just look at her.

Even dressed down in a messy bun and lounge clothes, Namjoon thought of her as the essence of perfection. Stunningly beautiful. Downright sexy. Amazing humor and intelligence. Absolutely everything he wanted in a woman. He absolutely could not afford to look like a fool in front of her.

Yerin looks away at her computer off screen to click at a few things, no doubt tinkering with the next hit for her current client, then stretches out her exhaustion, yawning before turning back to Namjoon. Suddenly he feels guilty.

“Are you tired?” Checking the clock in his hotel room, Namjoon tries to calculate the current time in his home country on his hand. “Isn’t it late for you right now? you should go to bed.”

Yerin sighs and shakes her head. “Nah, it’s not that late. Besides, I wanna keep talking to you.”

Namjoon only smiles, and awkwardly turns his head away, unsure of what else to talk about. There’s a stretch of silence. Yerin stares at Namjoon through the screen as he busies himself with nothing in particular, waiting for him to carry on. However the awkward pause lingers on until Yerin clears her throat.

“So, will you be seeing them in concert? Since your tour routes are headed the same way?”

Namjoon snaps his head back at attention, “Who?”

Yerin can only chuckle. “HELIOS silly, y’know since you’re such a big fan now.”

Namjoon suddenly flashes back to his fumble in the car ride to the airport earlier that morning, making him inwardly cringe.

“Actually they were at our concert last night, they’re having their London concert right now, I think.” Yerin feigns an overactive gasp.

“You mean to tell me they went to your concert and you didn’t get me an autograph?”

“To be fair, they left right after the show since they had an early schedule the next day.” Namjoon scratches the back of his head before continuing, “...and I didn’t find out they attended until this morning.”

Yerin lets out a laugh. “Wait, they didn’t tell you?”

Namjoon only bites his lip and shakes his head, trying to build up his flirty confidence again.

“Apparently I was too distracted by a lovely woman on my phone that I didn’t catch them talking about it.” Namjoon flashes his best smile. Yerin raises a teasing one of her own.

“Who? Your HELIOS bias that keeps gracing your twitter feed?” Namjoon sputters, prompting Yerin to let out another laugh. “I bet it’s Yuna huh? I always thought she was the prettiest.”

Namjoon scoffs at the absurdity, first his bandmates, now the girl he’s trying to impress. “I don’t think Yuna would be the type to date men younger than her.”

Yerin shrugs with a wink, “Hey, you never know.”

They share a short laugh before the conversation dies down again. Yerin yawns again, signifying how late it is for her. Namjon takes this as the perfect time to end the call.

“Anyway, it’s really late for you. I’d hate for you to be sleep deprived because of me.” He urges her earnestly. Yerin doesn’t decline this time, and nods her head in agreement.

“Yeah I know, I just really like talking to you.” This makes Namjoon’s heart skip a beat.

“I know, I do too.”

“Well, I’ll talk to you later?”

Namjoon smiles earnestly and nods his head. “Of course.”

They both bid their good nights before the call ends, leaving Namjoon to stare blankly at his home screen. Although successfully being able to hold a—somewhat—face to face conversation with Yerin, he couldn’t help but feel just as awkward as he did talking with her just moments ago.

I’m just off my game. He hypes his self assurance up. He’s been so caught up in the world of being a global icon that it’s been a while since he’s had to charm a potential partner, he’s normally not so awkward where he doesn’t know how to hold a simple conversation.

Namjoon sighs, chewing the inside of his cheek as he stares off into the Parisian view from his hotel room. He’s just…stressed. Yeah, that’s it. So stressed due to being on tour for a little over a month now and having to deal with everything that comes with it, totally a valid reason behind why he’s suddenly getting tongue talking to a beautiful woman. With everything going on, there has been little time to just let himself go and relax.

Namjoon shakes his head and runs a stressed hand through his hair, eyeing the phone that was left propped up on the table.

Biting his bottom lip, he contemplates his next moves carefully. He’s a grown man in the privacy of his own suite in a fancy hotel, he’s allowed to indulge in his needs once in a while, right? Couldn’t he just take the edge off for a few minutes before he had to go back to being a professional? For the sake of relaxing, of course.

Feeling his hand twitch at his side, he eyes the phone again, then the door to his room across from him.

No one should be bothering me for the rest of the night anyway…

There’s little room for argument before he’s snatching up his phone and cutting the lights before diving under the covers.

In half a second he’s already pulling up the app and scrolling through Twitter, fancams of your performance gracing his timeline. It was now your turn to take on London for your tour, and considering how late it was getting, it must’ve been well into the setlist of your show.

Sure enough, different angles of your London show start rotating into his feed. He’s seen enough videos of your setlist to know which songs were already performed. Scrolling down, he watches as you and the girls party it up on stage. All laughs and smiles as you let yourself go on stage, completely engulfed in the performance. What once had unjustifiably bothered him before now brought comfort and joy to his demanding schedule and it was something he decided he can indulged in at the end of the day when he was finally all alone, because the last thing he needed was another teasing remark from any bandmate claiming he was neck deep in the HELIOS craze.

But that wasn’t the case. Your group just happened to pop up on his feed for every social app he pulled up, and he just happened to like all of the videos that portrayed HELIOS’ creative output. He was an artist too, he can appreciate his fellow colleagues and their own work every once in a while.

The most important thing was that he was still keeping you at arms length like he promised himself. Your place in his life was still the same as it was before; another idol in the industry that he would cross paths with once in a blue moon. You never created a HALO out of him; he was just conveniently following the most popular HELIOS stan accounts to view your progress, merely recognizing every HELIOS related video that came his way, simply valuing all the HELIOS songs that cycled through his Spotify recommendations, knowing only enough about you and the members to debunk all the rumors that floated around you and your career.

He scoffed. Obsessed fan? No, that was his sister. Kim Namjoon was an artist appreciating another colleague in his space. Nothing more, nothing less.

His train of thought stopped at a still image of you; it was new, something unrecognizable from the setlist he’s memorized.

It was followed by an onslaught of gifs—gifs already? That was fast—with a clearer view of a new outfit that was definitely not in the setlist he memorized.

You’re strutting down the catwalk easily with your heels, all black attire. Your signature look which you’ve carried since your debut.

Then he saw the first video.

The same scene of you strutting, but this time with sound. After tuning into your voice from the screams and cries of the crowd, he learned that the song was your solo from your latest album, and this was the first time you’ve performed it.

It was a slow r&b beat but overlaid with your power vocals, an instant hit on your album and something the crowd was dying to see live on account of their reactions. You reveled in the performance, moving smoothly to the melody as the crowd waved their lightsticks in sync to the rhythm, singing along with you.

It was a captivating sight, but Namjoon would never openly admit that your performance bloomed an unfamiliar warmth in his body. He’s seen you perform before, plenty of times as a matter of fact, but this was the first time he��s experienced any symptoms. Seeing your bright smile as you command the crowd to wave along with you while bopping to the beat left goosebumps to raise across his arms. His heart raced hearing your smooth voice dip into a growl as you belt the chorus. He was even finding it hard to swallow every time you flashed your signature smirk to the crowd.

He quickly shuts his phone off and pushes it out of reach. That was… an odd reaction.

Quickly shaking it off, he curls up on the side of the bed opposite from where he left his phone, signaling his body to start going to sleep.

Reacting to the way you performed meant nothing, he was only admiring how passionate you are as a singer. The sudden increase in heart rate? That was just him feeding off of your energy on stage. The goosebumps on his arms? The song was just remixed well for the concert. Swallowing hard at your smile? Ah hell, he’s a simple man. He can recognize a beautiful woman regardless if she doesn’t return the sentiment.

Then his mood drops, remembering where he started from. That’s right, even after everything, you still don’t like him.

Well no matter, Namjoon thinks as he slowly drifts to sleep. It’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like you’re someone who’s meant to be present in her life. Arms length away is all you need.

— + — + — + —

September 2019

Rushing to make it back to the dressing room, Namjoon follows the boys as they round the corner of the backstage hall before hearing the faint sounds of…crying?

Well that’s odd, no one should be back here.

He pauses for a moment, watching his bandmates disappear around the adjoining hall, then slowly back tracks and walks the opposite direction, silently moving closer until he hears a worried voice over unsettled sobs.

“Just stay here okay? Don’t move, I’ll get you water.” A woman’s voice hushes reassurance to her companion before the quick clicking of heels echo down the other end of the hall.

Before deciding against making this situation any of his concern, he peers around the corner to see an empty corridor with nobody around but a girl sitting hunched over her lap, body wracked with violent sobs.

Oh fuck.

Namjoon is at a loss.

Here he is, standing in an abandoned hallway with a stranger having a complete breakdown right in front of him. Just your normal Saturday afternoon.

Namjoon has absolutely know idea what to do, fidgeting awkwardly in place, undecided if he should try to help the girl or turn around and just walk away like nothing ever happened. He was supposed to be back in the dressing room in less than 20 minutes to pack up and leave. Did he even have time to try to console a complete stranger right now?

While trying to figure out the most ethical and guilt free approach, Namjoon pauses upon closer inspection of the girl.

She’s not dressed in everyday clothes nor any staff uniform. The sequined wrapped dress down to the designer heels and mic pack still hooked up to the waist was a dead give away for Namjoon to recognize it was another idol.

However, the outfit and the heels begin to look familiar as he feels himself walking closer to her. And even before he even thinks to try to turn back at this point, he’s already in front of her, kneeling down quietly and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

The body reacts violently to the touch as they both jump back; Namjoon with his hands raised in mercy, face to face with the bewildered eyes of…

“…Y/N?” Namjoon calls out to you softly.

Up until this point, Namjoon couldn’t think of anything more terrifying than the scene before him; your arms violently gripping your upper body, caging your chest to keep your lungs from bursting from all of the deep uneven breaths you took, eyes blown wide and confused as you hold Namjoon’s concerned gaze.

He can practically see the realization wash over you as you recognize that the person in front of you is probably the last person on earth you’d want to see right now.

You drop your gaze as your breathing starts to become erratic, you look anywhere but the man in front of you and squeeze yourself tight, yet you don’t move from the seat he found you in. Then it clicks.

You’re having a panic attack.

“Hey, nonono it’s okay.” Namjoon begins to coo. He places just the tips of his fingers atop your knee and your eyes snap back to his.

Your vision focuses on Namjoon’s gentle gaze as he looks up at you with hooded eyes, almost urging you to stay grounded with him.

The uneven sobbing slows just a bit as Namjoon takes both of his hands and places them upright before you, allowing you the chance to deny him should you want to.

“Can I try to help you?”

Yuna left you here to get water and you’re all alone with your sworn enemy while your heart is threatening to beat out of your chest.

“Y/N, I need you to try to take deep breaths now, okay?”

It’s hard to hear the man in front of you with your pulse beating so loud in your ears. But he’s saying something. You see his mouth move and he tries to keep his eyes locked with yours.

“Deep breathes. I’ll do it with you, okay?” He repeats directly to you.

The message finally gets across as you will yourself to establish composure. You squeeze your eyes shut and nod frantically, sobs still trembling through your form.

When you open your eyes, you see Namjoon’s waiting hands turned upwards before you, still giving you the option to use him as leverage. Hiccupping, you slip your hands in his and he’s careful to accept them.

The first thing you notice about his hands is they’re huge. Even his thumbs that are stroking the back side of your palms takes up most of the surface area. And they’re… soft. It begins to comfort you in a way you would’ve never thought.

“Okay,” your eyes shoot back up to the sound of his voice. His hooded eyes never seemed to leave you.

“Slow breaths in through your nose, and push them out through your mouth. Do as many as you can, we’ll do it together.”

You inherently grip his hands in response. He gives you a soft smile in return.

In counts of four, you follow his lead in taking long deep breaths with closed eyes. You start off shaky between your sobs, but slowly begin to relax into yourself. All the while, you begin to reality crawl back to your senses.

You’re backstage in a hallway somewhere in the music show studio. You were walking back to your dressing room worried about something you couldn’t even recall. Yuna was chasing after you, trying to get you to calm down before you got way too deep in your own head, but it was already too late.

You remember your voices were raised, arguing over something so insignificant now—you could kick yourself for realizing the way you treated your unnie when she was only trying to help. Not long after that you were becoming hysterical, heart rate and breathing ramping up as you fell into panic.

Yuna ushered you to sit down and breathe as your body was assaulted with uncontrollable sobs and told you to stay put as she got you water.

Then Namjoon appeared.

The last person on this earth who you would think to see kneeling in front of you and offering you help at your most vulnerable, and you calmed down faster than any method or technique that was taught to you by your therapist in the last 3 years. Kim Namjoon; who’s kneeling before you, hands holding yours, coaching you to breathe with closed eyes and a soft voice.

Even with it happening right in front of you, you still couldn’t believe it.

Namjoon notices the lack of uneven breaths from you and opens his eyes to meet your gaze. You’re wide eyed, cheeks stained with your tears as your glossy stare holds his.

“Better now?” He asks quietly, still letting his thumbs glide over the tops of your hands.

Unable to voice any words, you opt for nodding a yes. He grins in response and your brain stops. The first thing you notice is his dimples, adorning each side of a perfect smile. It’s the only thing you can focus on until it's slowly ripped away from you as he gets up from the ground.

“I was worried for a sec, I thought I was going to need to call management or something.” He chuckles awkwardly, placing a hand behind his neck.

You look down at his other hand, still holding yours. Your muddled brain trying to make sense of it all, but only coming up with the conclusion that if he lets go of you, you might spiral out of control again.

And the concern must’ve been written all over your face because he’s level with your face again after pulling a chair up to seat himself across from you, all while never letting go of your hand.

“Is… Everything okay?” Namjoon is cautious to ask.

You grit your teeth and shake your head, trying to wave off your current situation like it’s nothing.

“I don’t think you’d get it if I tried to tell you.”

Namjoon nods slowly, “Yeah you’re probably right.” You lock eyes with him as he gives you a half smile for reassurance.

“It’s not my place to ask, and you’re not obligated to share anything. I just heard someone crying and I thought I could help.” He shrugged, glancing down at your joined hands before looking back up at you. “Did you want to be alone now?”

You felt your head shake ‘no’ before you could voice an answer.

“Then I won’t go.” Namjoon responds softly.

The two of you sat in the hallway in comfortable silence, and not once did he dare to let go of your hand. It was soft in his grasp, and he allowed himself to selfishly rub his thumb over the back of your hand as you stare off into the distance. It was rather odd—being in this situation—comforting the lone woman who swore him off as her competition while he watched her from afar. But the silence was fine for him; there didn’t need to be any conversation if it wasn’t warranted, so long as it made you feel better.

Seconds tick by before another word is spoken, almost barely above a whisper.

“How do you do it?” Namjoon’s eyes snap up to you, still staring away from him as you repeat your question. “Be such a successful leader, how do you do it so effortlessly?”

Namjoon is taken aback by the sudden inquiry. Last time he checked, he was always at his wits end as a leader. Was there even such a thing as doing it successfully?

“I… don’t know what you mean by that.” Namjoon tiptoes around his response carefully. “I barely consider myself successful, let alone being able to do it effortlessly.”

You scoff, lifting one corner of your mouth in a sardonic smile. “Don’t act bashful now, I mean you just won Inkigayo for the umpteenth time.”

Namjoon presses his lips in a thin line, the real Y/N was bound to come out and bite sooner or later.

“Y/N, when have I ever said I was a successful leader?”

“You never needed to, everything you do says it for you.”

Namjoon flinches back from the acidity of your tone as you drop the accusation on him. “Y/N…”

“Listen, forget I asked…” You begin to back pedal, but Namjoon calls you back with a deep voice. You falter, seeing the seriousness embedded in his hooded eyes.

“There’s no secret to being an effortlessly successful leader, I would think you’d know that as much as I do.” He holds your gaze as he does your hand while you remain too stunned to say anything.

“Success doesn’t come from winning every music show award. It comes in the form of ensuring our members are happy and taken care of. To make sure whatever we create is done with enough love and care so our fans can enjoy it. To be mindful of how we take care of ourselves at the end of the day because we know that this role and title is anything but effortless, it’s pure hard work.”

He gathers both of your hands in his as he places his elbows on his knees, leaning forward face to face with you.

“And if that’s the criteria for success, then I’d say you’ve been managing well.”

Tears prick at your eyes as his gaze softens on you.

“From what I’ve seen, you do everything in your power to make everyone else happy. But while that can be admirable in itself, what’s left for you in the end? To be stressed out and upset over everything else you can’t accomplish? Y/N you’re only human, and you already do so much for others, you can’t forget about yourself.

“Don’t carry the world on your shoulders just because you hold the “leader” title. It took me years to figure that out, and even more to learn how to lean on the ones who make me a successful one. No battle is worth fighting alone, especially when you have people to fight with you.”

There’s nothing else you can say as you let Namjoon’s words settle into your skin. It sounded so…right. He addressed the very problem plaguing your entire existence and you didn’t even have to tell him word for word. He just…knew. He understood. And he didn’t reprimand or belittle you for anything.

In that moment, you’ve finally realized you were dead wrong about Kim Namjoon all along.

You cast your gaze down to look at your joined hands once again. He doesn’t make any moves to leave, so you two sit there with the conversation left in the air around you.

“Hey..” You mumble, eyes still trained on your connected hands.

He hums in response, looking up to see you harshly wipe away the streaks of tears on your cheeks. Never had he seen you so lonely before.

“Don’t… tell anyone you found me like this?” The request was meek and made you feel small, but Namjoon one houses your hands in his.

“Of course, Y/N.” His deep voice reverberates through your body, leaving you feeling safe and secure.

Maybe you can trust him, just this once.

— + — + — + —

The sight around the corner of the hallway was more than enough for Yuna to stop dead in her tracks, the biting chill from the water bottle in her hands long forgotten as her mouth curls into delighted grin.

Y/N and Namjoon sitting alone together; albeit in silence, but their joined hands between them spoke volumes of confirming her suspicions.

This is playing out a lot better than I could imagine it.

She gives them at least ten more minutes before calling out to make her presence known.

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