#i LITERALLY got isolated they LITERALLY forced me to go to memory care and everybody there was pissed with me

[stonerzelda]

wow i lost my train of thought in that last post lmao i am just so. I am upset ngl ill be fine but fuck me man that shit hurts and for WHY anyway. I was a rat in the sense i was honest abt how everybody seemed to treat me today. I did go out of my way to ask that nobody gets reprimanded which loike i guess in retrospect it was kind of pointless to say anything then but also you have to give a reason for a resignation and that was the last straw for me 🙃🙃🙃

[babyloniastreasure]

right so i just got done crying on and off for the first three hours of my day and i think i deserve a bit of unloading into the internet about it

dont mind me i just,,,dont have a support system anymore lol and i need some kind of fuckin release. feel free to ignore

so the last week in particular has been extremely rough and today I almost asked to go to the hospital in the hopes of like, idk. getting some sort of help. I have never been this depressed or hopeless before in my life and I’ve never had so much nothing as I do now. I lost all of my friends and my only support. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I look at my projects and my art and I can’t stand them because everything has memories attached to people who hate me and want nothing to do with me. People who have ignored me for five fucking weeks after telling me “We want to fix this.”

i’m hardly sleeping. im constantly exhausted. im physically nauseous because i cant eat from the stress and anxiety, granted i remember to eat at all or have the energy to get up to get anything in the first place. emotionally im an absolute wreck. I can’t focus. nothing is enjoyable. there’s nothing TO enjoy, because everything i had before was everything they took away. I’ve been left in the dust after they told me they still cared. so clearly that was a lie. if they cared they wouldnt have left at the drop of a hat like that

Even my family has noticed that i’m not okay and they’re starting to ask questions. i feel bad every time i brush them off but I cant let them know how bad things really are. i cant tell them that every hour i have to fight the urge to hurt myself again. that every time i have a second of free thought i think, hey, wouldn’t it be so satisfying to make yourself bleed again? and yes! it would be satisfying! but that’s not a pit i want to fall into again. it had me for years and it took even more years to break. and even though I have the awareness to not go through with it and can recognize it’s not actually going to help in the long run, it’s so exhausting when that’s my first go-to solution. And like yeah I usually have those thoughts anyway but I’ve had such a great system of friends and people I love who love me also that it was easier to get past. There were people there for me  who cared and because I knew they cared I could get through the rough patches. But now I don’t have those people. I don’t have any support. There’s nobody who cares about me. So then my loneliness gets to me and i get even more depressed and anxious and I keep spiraling, and those thoughts get worse and harder to fight off. it was those thoughts of intense “lets hurt ourselves really badly :D” that made me want to go to the hospital. I literally had the thought of “If I go to the hospital and they say I’m not severe enough to be admitted, I’ll just grab a pen and stab my leg to prove to them I need help.” Which is neither good nor healthy, but it would be so easy

instead i ended up crying for three hours and started thinking the circumstances that lead me here

and like. i will admit, and i have admitted dozens of times, hundreds of times to myself, that I made a mistake. I know that. I told them that. That was the first fucking thing I said. all i can think about is that singular, one, individual, tiny little blunder. and how despite me acknowledging it and coming clean with it and trying to talk about it, it was blown up and out of proportion and thrown in my face. they took my misstep and every single one of them twisted it and manipulated it into something far from the truth, something that painted me as a terrible person, as a secret asshole, as a huge toxic influence, as a deceitful and unappreciative person. They all threw out everything about our friendship in favor of ignoring what I’d said and assuming something far from the truth, the truth I laid out for them no less.

and then when i asked if i could clarify and communicate, they told me no. then blamed me for not communicating!!

thats all i ever tried to do! was communicate

From day one the group said hey if there’s a problem, be open with it and we’ll talk about it. we communicate to solve problems because we’re all friends and cherish each other.

what a load of shit.

i tried to communicate. I laid out my problem and then everybody else got involved, said I wasn’t allowed to talk about that with them, then they called me back like some kind of court and judge and jury and told me because I didn’t communicate, I was being kicked out. That’s not fair. I wasn’t treated fairly. I wasn’t even allowed to clarify whatever the hell they thought. They straight up told me no, you can’t talk about this with us. That’s not communication. That’s hypocritically shutting me down.

“Communicate with us Jask!”

“Okay I will send communication”

“Op! You’re not allowed :) We agreed you can’t talk to us :) You’re being kicked out :) Oh But Don’t Feel Unwelcome We Want To Fix This.” Then they all fuckin. moved into a space without me in it. That’s not welcoming. That’s exclusionary. That’s not communicating either. I’ve been handed a double standard that I can’t do anything about because I’m not allowed to even say hello to these people

How does anyone expect things to get better if I’m not being given the chance I was promised? its been. five. weeks. I’m ? so fucking tired and sad and alone, waiting every fucking day in the hopes that someone is going to actually talk to me again. then I finally pass out in near tears at 3am because another day has passed with none of them caring enough to even ask if im okay

and like. i desperately want to talk to them. i dont know what id say but. i dont know. i dont know. im not allowed to, for one. they made that crystal fucking clear. but again what would i even say?

do i say im sorry? i apologized dozens of times and it never made a difference, they ignored my apologies from the start and im certain they ignored the ones at the end too. and im terrified of saying sorry to the only person who really matters in this situation because im certain she’s going to cut me off if i even breathe in her direction

do I say that i miss them? what’s that going to do? it feels manipulative to say that. like hey pity me into talking to me again? i cant do that. im sure none of them miss me anyway so why would i put myself on the spot like that

do i admit im afraid to talk to them? again that also feels, bad, because the last time i admitted a feeling it drove them all away in an instant. and like also that feels like im backing them into a corner where they have to respond. and i dont want to force that. so it feels like talking is making the same mistake that made them kick me out. and like. what if...talking really does make it worse? what if talking is what ruins it even though talking is what they told me they want?

again there’s the double standard. be honest and communicate, but if you’re honest and communicate you’re rejected outright and made into the bad guy.

at this point its been so long

and i’ve deteriorated so much

i dont know if like. i just. i dont know...if more deterioration, if more waiting, and more dashed hope is worth it ?

i dont even know if they still want to repair things. what if they dont? what if they never did? what if they lied? what if they sit in their little group and talk poorly about me? what if they made bets about how long it’ll take me to leave or unfriend them like my isolation was some sort of game? what if they think i hate them? what if they really DO hate me? what if they moved on and want to forget about me? what if they regret knowing me at all? what if they wish they never knew me? what if they’re happy without me? what if 

oh boy i started crying again

what if this entire month of waiting and crying and wishing and grieving and hoping and loneliness was a waste of time? what if this was all for nothing? what if i never get to talk to them again? i. man. i just. i really really really miss everyone. i miss them so much. i miss them so fucking much. i dont know what to do. I m. fuck. im miserable. i wish i hadn’t said anything i wish i had kept my mouth shut i wish i never tried i wish i never did any of that i wish i had my friends i wish i could go back i wish i could talk to them

if i didnt say anything at least i’d be happy and id have everything and i would have my best friends in the whole world and id, fuck man thats really it, id be happy. im  so fucking awul

im so. i. i cant see the scvreen i need to go wash up and stop

[myinnerroomie]

              Today I want to write for pleasure instead of business. I want my mind to be productive, but I am sick of work.  I am sick of all the grad school papers and the stress of getting everything in on time, the stress of applying for this test, and studying for that test. The stress of pretending I care about the Air Force. And for what?  I feel as if I am not doing something to better myself, then I am failing.  In all aspects of life. And for what? What am I trying to accomplish?  What do I want out of life?  The answer is everything.  More than I’m getting.  So I fill the void with military and homework and physical activities.  All of which are healthy right?  What’s the problem?  I can do more.  I am so capable.  I see that. I know that I’m not meant for this.   However, I signed up for it, right?  I’ll finish what I signed up for and move on and appreciate what I learned.  In the meantime, I feel it necessary to point out that I may be jobless in 2 months, maybe not.  The stress of never knowing what is going to happen is real.  And I’m sick of it.  However, it pays the bills (quite nicely), I’m staying in a condo by the beach (where I’m sitting on the balcony typing), and it’s frankly beautiful weather and I’ll go for a run later. It’s really my fault that I haven’t found a job yet.  I should never have relied on reserve like this anyway.  I have no fear that I’ll figure something out when the time comes.  Actually, life is way better than it really has ever been.  

I’m so free (aside from the military which ironically is the thing that saved me). Oooh.  Let’s get into my early adulthood.  That should be fun.  So, embarrassingly enough, until this past year, I have always had a boyfriend.  We can get into my childhood later, but it probably stemmed from somewhere back then.  I have never thought much of myself.  Figured I’d go to community college like everybody else, then I went to a university like everybody else.  Majored in a stupid (fun) degree.  No real regrets about that though.  My self-worth was based on if people liked me, if I felt I looked good.  I do regret a lot of the actions of that sad, desperate girl.  Nobody understood, and I was good at faking it.  I did things that I have never admitted to anybody.  I literally could have been diagnosed with the same disorders as the other kids in the behavioral hospital where I worked.  Only mine weren’t for attention and I was deeply ashamed, so nobody knew.  I educated myself on the consequences of what would happen if I continued on that path, and slowly but surely, I got better.  And sadly, I can’t even celebrate that with anyone.  Shame, guilt, fear, worthlessness, pain – what I used to always feel.  Pride and confusion with all this freedom I have is what I feel now.

I used to think emotions were embarrassing.  I knew I hurt all the time, but I was never taught how to deal with it, so I would isolate myself and feel stupid.  Actually, that’s what I was taught.  Everybody has issues, and I’m not special. Get over it.  Why did it hurt so much?  Why can’t I get over it?  Why am I so miserable?  Why am I even alive?  Everybody dies anyway.  Oh, I know how I can deal with this: weed.  Ahh, there so much better.  Now all I’m thinking about is how I can’t remember what I’m thinking about. Yeah, I should probably go to class now.  Wonder if they’ll know I’m stoned. (turns out that they did).  But I was really enjoying class then. Very intrigued with Maslow’s hierarchy of need.  Hmm self-actualization.  Will I ever know my purpose and get to the point in life where I can fulfill that need??? Nah bro I’m starving…  You think everybody is staring at me eating these chips? -- Anyway, this is only the middle of the story.  I’m not even going to go back to my first boyfriend.  Let’s skip to the second one that cheated on me after 2 years.  Looking back now, he’s gross and bigoted. He was mean to me.  He lied to me.  He cheated.  Everything was an ordeal.  I just constantly lowered myself and made myself small for him.  He, of course, never reciprocated.  I wasn’t worth it.  Because I never showed any self-worth.  One good decision I made was to further my education and move to Hattiesburg for school which he actually made fun of me for doing. Anyway, I remember one time he had just come from the boat or whatever he was doing for work and invited his friend to our apartment.  I went to sit on his lap and he pushed me off and laughed.  I just went to my room and cried while he spent the night with his friend. That’s not me.  I hate I did that.  I hate that’s their memory of me.  Oh well.  I know they still talk shit about me back home.  That’s fine and that’s their problem.

Another reoccurring theme with boyfriends is my lack of any other friends and/or support. This takes me to my second boyfriend. I had been single for less than a year, and I met him.  It was so much nicer at first.  I felt like he cared about me.  He was so sweet.  Finally, everything was reciprocated to me, and I was happy.  I was happy to make him happy.  Again, with my screwed up priorities, man.  But I had grown up a little.  I just had this baseless fear that I would be alone forever.  But, I’m not necessarily the victim.  I did have this notion that I should be taken care of. I never expected to pay.  I expected some sort of money and to pay to go out and about.  That didn’t happen with this guy.  This honestly helped me become independent.  However, over time, he became more and more controlling. He threw me down and hit me in a NOLA hotel and the police were called.  He tore up my purse and a jacket. I remember feeling so much stress because he said he was going to leave me there, and I didn’t know how to get home.  Nor did I want to tell anybody why I was in that predicament anyway.  I thought it was all my fault and apologized and he stayed. How lucky am I? To stay with a guy that hits me and breaks my belongings (He also broke my tent.  If I ever went anywhere, he would be calling and obsessed. I couldn’t enjoy anything because I knew there would always be repercussions for having fun.   I literally broke out in hives at my friend’s house in Jackson one time because I told him no I wouldn’t come back to his place that night and it gave me so much grief.  He said he was going to break up with me if I did not drive back.  But I sure enough stayed my ass up there though. It was still embarrassing.  He threw a boot at me once because I was mad and didn’t want to sleep in the same room as him.  When I told him that hurt and showed him the bruise, he blamed me for acting that way. A few times, I tried to leave to go home, and he would grab me and not let me go.  I would be like if you don’t get your hands off me, I have every right to defend myself.  So I would straight up try to fist fight him to let go of me. He would laugh. Sounds healthy right?  Oh yeah, one time I did not do what he wanted and he threatened to get rid of my cat and locked all the doors to the house so I could not get to MY fucking cat.  So I waited until he got home and he just acted like he didn’t care at all about the strife he caused.  I think I may have even stayed that night at his house.  I hated him but I didn’t know what else to do.              

In the middle of all of this, I joined the military.  So yeah he came to visit me in Texas for graduation then said this was his vacation and that he was going to do what he wanted.  I’m like dude no.  I’ve been locked up for weeks.  It’s my vacation.  Another argument, more crying.  You’re a bitch if you stand up for yourself.  Okay months go on, we break up in tech school.  But I know he has my cat.  I also know he has a place to live.  Again, my fault.  I’m using him cause I don’t really know what else to do.  So I live at his house.  Then move to out of town.  He threatens to leave me again and tells me I’m shitty for moving away.  I move back to his place.  Back and forth, but he just stays and does whatever the fuck he wants with no consideration for me.  Eventually, I just started to dislike him.  I can take care of myself.  I got another place with a room mate.  His presence annoyed me.  I thought he was ugly.  I think that was mutual, and I was like dude:  Let’s end it. It’s miserable.  He agreed.  Easiest break-up ever.  Now did I do dumb things, and normal post-breakup things? Absolutely. Did I still text him a couple times afterwards? Yeahhh.  Also,  I made out with a 20 year old army kid at a bar. And I also slept with a married man.  That was a whole thing.  But most of last year, I have just grown.

I have nobody grabbing my arm now.  If I want to pack up and go hiking somewhere across the country, I’ll buy a plane ticket and go. If I want to hang out with friends, its fun again.  I do not rely on anybody for my self-worth.  2020 was extremely rough for me. I lost my house and all my belongings.  My car flooded in a hurricane (and of course I only had liability insurance).  It has all worked out anyway.  I didn’t even need any of that stuff.  Honestly, I never had the worst life.  That wasn’t the goal of this. You know, to complain.  It’s just that everything has gotten better. Losing everything helps put your life into perspective.  I’m so much more appreciative now.  I look at what I have accomplished and where I came from.  I used to think that everybody was more important than me, and that I needed them to like me and see me as worthy to be around.  Well, that has changed completely.  I don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like me.  That doesn’t make me less of a valuable person.  Everybody is not better than me and I have just as much a chance of being successful as everybody else.  I’m not a “bitch”.  Maybe some folks find me “annoying”, but you’re crazy if you think I will ever make myself small to fit inside anybody’s box that doesn’t like me.  I don’t “deserve it” to be living a miserable life. Life is hard.  Life is beautiful. It’s all about learning, and that’s what I have done. I win.  I’m free.  I can do anything.  While I do regret some of my past, all this has given me the drive to me who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.  Still gotta figure that one out.

[cabbagezonk]

im so fucking frustrated about what happened at my wedding but everybody ive talked to has tried to assure me that “it was great” but for me it fucking wasn’t!!!

my selfish fucking family ruined basically everything important at the wedding because all they fucking gave a shit about was making the decorations look nice! they went behind my back and BOUGHT extra decorations so that all the flowers could match, when i specifically didn’t want them to match!! and after all that they couldn’t even put the mic in the right place or set up refreshments for people like i wanted! my mother, who was THREE FUCKING HOURS EARLY to set up decorations, somehow couldn’t get the important stuff ready AND WAS FUCKING LATE. SHE WAS IN CHARGE OF PLAYING MUSIC BECAUSE SHE BEGGED ME TO LET HER HELP. AND SHE WAS FUCKING LATE SO SHE COULD GET READY WITH HER TRASH ASS BOYFRIEND I DIDN’T WANT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. WE WERE JUST STANDING THERE WAITING FOR HER, AND WHEN SHE GOT THERE SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY MUSIC OR WHAT SONG WE WANTED! WE PUT IT ON A PLAYLIST I N  O R D E R. and then her fucking mom FORCED all our guests to wait for us to arrive to eat, when we specifically didn’t want them to do that! we had a limited time at the venue but we still wanted to get pictures (the ONLY thing that turned out right) so we figured everyone would eat and hang out, we’d get there and have cake! but because everyone was forced to wait, half the guests were already gone by the time we got to cutting the cake! my best friends didn’t even get a chance to give their speeches because we were in such a rush! I didn’t even get to sit down and eat cake with my friends because we all had to take it to go! after MONTHS of my mother and her mom pestering me about the most minuscule details of the wedding, stressing me out, making me miserable, making me anxious about my own wedding, they can’t even get the most basic shit right! i worked so fucking hard to make this a special thing for me and my partner and not a single thing we wanted happened. i’ve been so upset about it that i cried basically every day of my FUCKING HONEYMOON. i tried to keep it to myself but it definitely affected me and my partner, i barely remember most of the trip at this point. and then i find out my fucking mother TRESPASSED into my house just because i didn’t leave a light on for our FUCKING CATS. who the fuck does she think she is? she’s CERTAINLY not my fucking parent!! after all the shit she put me through and CONTINUES to put me through, what authority does she think she has to tell me how to live my life or come into my fucking house without my permission? i helped BOTH her and my fucking father through their divorce, talked her down from suicide NUMEROUS times, and have put so much fucking work into trying to get her to stop hoarding and starving herself! she’s fucking incompetent and she thinks she can tell ME how to be an adult? she’s NEVER been on her own, it was always her mom or my father taking care of her, she’l literally never supported herself! whereas i’ve been on my own since 18 and i’ve already accomplished more than she ever will! i’ve had to fucking fight through all the mental health issues and damage she did to me, relearn half my education because she was too fucking lazy to teach me, and basically learn how to be a fucking person for the first time in my life. does she have ANY  idea how fucking damaging her neglect has been? forcing us to stay inside 24/7 with almost no contact with other people, much less kids our own age? being fucking isolated with nothing to do and nowhere to go? we’re pretty sure it literally stunted my mental development and i’m only now understanding the effects of that! my body hurts from never getting the chance to exercise or run or play with other kids. and now it’s too late! i can try to fix the mental damage, but any physical damage is fucking done! i’ve tried to talk to professionals about it, but nobody fucking gets how bad it was! i WISH i could make them understand, let them live my fucking memories, maybe then they’d get it. what it’s like for your entire childhood to be a blur of the same 3 rooms, no friends and nothing to do. living in a fucking hoarder house with no concept of hygiene. the fucking shame i feel now for how i used to live, but it’s not even my fucking fault! i was a child, how was i supposed to know? its unbelievably humiliating to think back on, but nobody seems to see it that way. i’m so fucking sick of feeling like this. of trying to move past what my mother fucking did to me. i didn’t know if i could before, but after this? i’m fucking done. there’s no way in HELL i’m ever letting her get away with this. i’m done pitying her, i’m done trying to fix her life. she has NO fucking right to call me her parent, all she’s ever brought me is pain. she has the fucking nerve to talk about how “she’ll always be there for me” but when has she EVER fucking done that? does she think i just don’t have as many problems as her? that i dont suffer and cry and get angry? i may have lived with the people who spawned me as a kid, but i grew up alone. she’s used me as an emotional crutch for years without me ever getting any support back. all she ever did was invade my privacy, humiliate me, and rage and cry at me. what the fuck was that supposed to teach me? i can’t remember the last time i considered telling her about how i was feeling. i remember HIDING from her everytime i was hurt or sick, even as a small kid. i can’t fucking wait to move across the country and never speak to her again. i’m done trying to be the bigger person and let all of this shit slide just because she’s too fucking unstable to handle hearing it. if i had my fucking way, she’d know nothing about me. but she lives across the fucking street from me! she knows how to get into my house! this is the third fucking time in 2 years she’s been in my house and messed with shit without permission! after everything i’ve fought through to become the person i am, or even just to become a person at all, she has no right to congratulate herself on a job well done. 

[roccoreceipts-blog]

CALLOUT FOR MARS / BARON / ROCCO / MIMI / PIPPI / MARIA WHO CURRENTLY OWNS @VINYLBITCHIN + @HANDFUCKIING + @FLESHPRAY + @SHESCHISM + BUNKERKEPT . CONTENT WARNING FOR ABUSE, PEDOPHILIA, RAPE, RACEFAKING, ETC.
 


a quick introduction though i'm kinda uncomfortable, im 17 i run a few blogs on this hellsite and i have some concerns for people's safety. this isn't a petty post either, is genuinely fearful for myself and others she's abused in the past and will continue to do so and it's about time we all came out about this because it's gone on way too long and i blame myself more than anything for holding back. i just felt unsafe and i do more so now but it's worth other people's safety. and everybody knows i'm definitely not one to do something like this and i've had such a hard time coming out about this from guilt. i want to make this short and to the point. i don't wanna take up too much time because we could go off for hours about all of her drastic lies like how she supposedly got hypothermia in 45 degree weather or how she lied about being in a s.chool s.hooting ( one , two , three ) ironically she had sent me a fanfiction of the c.olumbine s.hooters in the past and guilt tripped me the moment i said it wasn't right. or the time she told me she was taken hostage which i might have stayed believing if it weren't for the fact she was roleplaying with a character from that movie on her @lleeta blog not too long ago ( one , two , three ) but anyway.

im never gonna be able to recover completely but i want to reach out and warn people. me and others have gone through her explicit / obsessive / rape roleplays but i can fucking guarantee no matter how many times i was ( or the others ) guilt tripped into saying YES despite how uncomfortable i was but couldn't tell her , she does still do them from what i know. she tends to warp characters ( other muns put in these scenarios have told me the same thing bc she did it to multiple people ) to make them far more obsessive / creepy then they are even meant to be. i'll start out by saying ive known rocco since the end of 2015 or so and we instantly became friends. we quickly made our ocs out to be affiliated, though they were SUPPOSED to be father and daughter (and often i would let her portray an oc i of mine who is supposed to be a love interest), she would always propose obsessive rape plots, and even an explicit plot of a forced marriage au between the father and daughter muses which was clear she wanted to lead to smut (warning for a graphic detail i can't get out of my fucking head was her saying she could imagine hannah / the daughter on her knees being forced to unbuckle his belt but said it as if it were almost ? something she got ? in a way , excited over ??) of course i don't have many screenshots of these things especially because i was isolated by her for about a year at the time , trusted her , and no matter how sick or anxious ive felt getting her messages i didn't really know i had the choice to come out about it , especially considering how hostile she would be when i had friends or even my ex .

( one , two , three , four , five ) we were actually dating at this time, which was a relationship i was basically forced / guilt tripped in after saying no countless times. she would often numb me down when i would say no to things, whether it was her asking to be in a relationship with me or even roleplay, in which at one point i've counted 20+ screenshots of her constantly begging even though i had just declined. at this time is when i was isolated so i don't the have exact proof because again, i didn't know about the abuse going on in front of my face and i didn't known what to do about it. she would constantly guilt trip me over these things and i felt very vulnerable though i do tend to play things off when i'm uncomfortable.

now i'll move on to some more recent -ish shit or at least things i haven't completely blocked out from my memory since that's most of what i have. we've been friends on and off because she had eventually set me off, our first fight being me angry that she couldn't handle when i declined her roleplays. so it's been a long cycle of me blocking her from discomfort, only for her to constantly make or log into old blogs to try and contact me to manipulate me into friendship again. and it worked. too many times. after all of that, she began to test boundaries which is something she usually does. this included throwing attitude for no reason ( i remember a time i was supposed to be making her icons and couldn't at the time and her response was "it's not that fucking hard" // she's even sent me a screenshot herself before of her in a groupchat where one of the participants had said something and told them "literally nobody cares" and expected me to comfort her after that ) + saying things she knows is wrong + stealing or making blatant rip offs of my original character ( one , two , of course there are far more instances like the time she ran @viirginblood but that's not the point of this post so i'm skipping over that ) + bringing up my past relationships / sometimes family or financial issues + constantly bringing up the fact we got in fights i was trying to move past or try to make me feel bad if i didn't reply right away ( one , two , three , four , five / she also acted very controlling to me any time i wouldn't answer so i would be forced to give an explaination and she would pretend it wasn't just her being "worried" ) + manipulating her into following her / bossing me into doing things she wanted ( one , two ). even some new information came to light that i was completely oblivious to; obviously any time i had a friend or a significant other she had no problem portraying blatant jealousy, i was also informed she was acting possessive of me even when i wasn't around, when i was actually NOT TALKING TO HER AT ALL ( one , two ) . which really freaked me the fuck out.

she would also constantly TRY to spite me when we weren't friends. she's admitted it. she's also admitted in a group call, that i still have contact with one of the participants, that she stalked me when we stopped talking and got her friends to "keep tabs on me" i was also informed of her stalking another minor not too long ago and going back to the spite stealing, it wasn't just one oc, it was concept ideas, urls, even going as far to LITERALLY flat out steal the oc i let her portray ( the one she obsessively wrote out rape roleplays with ) , lied by saying it was a "misunderstanding".

shes also is a rapist and pedophile apologist ! she roleplayed dolores of l.olita and a few people including myself can recall her literally posting / asking for a humbert to roleplay with. i don't know a lot about the film / book itself but i DO know humbert is the pedophile who abused dolores. here's some screenshots of her not only apologizing his actions burn theowing a pity party over it, claiming shen had a right to roleplay dolores getting, what i imagine must have been sexually abused ( one , two , three ).

her relationship with her ex, ( for those of you who don't know ollie you can probably easily find some information on him as a fill in on what he's done / warning for rape ) ,   she helped him catfish / fake his identity to hide what he did, shows hostility toward the rape victim and shows behavior of a rapist apologist again + talked some nasty transphobic shit about me , not to mention again , i'm underage so that's weird that it's focused on my body especially considering she's 18 here, not to mention she's not still obsessing over me when we aren't talking ( one , two ) + on her @roccospeaks blog she had a while back , she deleted the posts but i'm sure plenty of people saw that she and others were claiming that ollie was FAKING A TRANS IDENTITY ( and this isn't a kiss ass moment to him, i'm just pointing this out: this was after she made those transphobic remarks about me so i highly doubt she can blame her transphobia on being "drunk" here ) because he was wearing makeup and had a feminine appearance . i'm pretty sure the post is still floating about somewhere so if you can find it, it's all there . she continued to focus on me despite we weren't talking, blamed me for being the source of her suicidal tendencies that she's had since i've known her, ironically though she's also told me i'm the reason she says alive in the past — and something she thinks blocking her for comfort is a manipulation tactic or game to her ?? / that and here's some of her guilt tripping all because i soft blocked her ( one , two , three )

i had also recently ended a relationship with an ex of mine , which wasn't ANY of her business but she constantly brought her up plenty of times. as shown above, she's was insisting that my vague posts about ending my relationship were about her no matter what i said ( one , two , three ) + doing so either herself or i suspect getting ollie or his friends to send me anons about MY relationship because i didn't tell anybody else about it, but she sure as hell did ! all while putting blame on me ( one , two )

here are some messages i have of someone informing me she was actually racefaking ! and the funny thing about this is she's white. or at least from what i know? i know she has indeed sent me a link to a post before of a black mun venting about white people or smth like that which was NONE of my fucking business esp considering i wasn't following this person and she told me after sending me the link to the post "i thought i could trust them" where she tried tin get me to comfort her ?? this is also interesting, here she is talking about a minor, THREATENING THAT SAME MINOR, not to mention dissing sex workers and putting an input on reverse racism.

heres more of her obsessive / controlling behaviors over not letting people follow / interact with me out of sheer spite and not wanting them to be able to know what she has done ( one , two , three , four , five , six , though there's many more i lost ) here's more evidence of her interest in writing problematic issues / warning for rape ( one , two ) i have many more screenshots of her situations with ollie but chose not to post them; however if you would like to see them you can ask me, it's just her encouraging him to hack me plus some gaslighting aftermath shen sent me on mun personal when things didn't go her way.

she has also lied about her age to smut multiple times in the past , claimed to be of age here and on multiple blogs. she was at least sixteen at the time. also mentions shes underage here but then says she could LEGALLY portray sexual assault ?? and here's her saying she WILL have depictions of pedophilia on her blog. keep in mind we've known each other for a long time, though it was on and off; she knows very well i'm not 18. if told her before countless times AND it's all over my rules. BUT YET, she's persistent on sending me explicit content KNOWING IM A MINOR / ADMITTING SHE IS 18 after i had vagued about my discomfort ( one , two , three )

as i mentioned above she was always presenting nasty plots to me; i can't stress the fact that it DID make me uncomfortable whether i decided to play it off or not, but later on, when she was indeed of age, presented to me an old, incestous plot and then had the audacity to put the blame on ME, whenever i strictly recall her wanting to ship them / make the more brothers in the first place. my character had already had a brother, her oc she actually made back in 2016 was a spiral off of this canon character. so even afternoon she blamed me for it, we established that i said no, she still chose to focus on his childhood with romance. ( one , two , three , four )

again, im not the only person she's has abused like this. and compared to the things she put ALL OF US through, these have to be some of the lightest fucking examples. but i do hope it is enough to keep others safe or be a warning. i also haven't mentioned anybody for their safety, but if you think you would be willing to share your story you can add on or whatever to get it out their. i really hope you can take my word for or it as well, because it wasn't very hard for me to put myself out here but i think i did the right thing for others.

and last but not least, if she's seeing this, here's a big fat "fuck you" from all us, what you put us through, and blamed us for.

[benbarnesescape]

Blood, Sex and Whiskey - Part 3

Paint It Black

Warnings: Violence, hints of sexual innuendos, language 

A/N: I figured it out – my life that is literally dictated by Mr. Barnes. Here is Part 3, finally some plot action! Its also the end of what I made a Part 3 series but never fear luvs, never fear........ 

Tag list: @iheartbinbons @binbonsadoration @delos-mio @lafemmedemon @la-fille-en-aiguilles@ladyblablabla @drinix @padfootagain @princesse-de-ravenclaw @lovelysiriuss

It was the ringing that consumed your senses first. It was high pitched as it consumed your senses and you lolled around. That was when you realized the restrictions. Your wrists were bound by rope to something hard, the stiff material making it hard for you to move. You fought through the blackness that you had found comfort in and tried to open your eyes, a bright light consuming you, making you squint your eyes back close for a second.

You had to focus.

You took a deep breath, your lungs instantly spazzing from pain. A sore pain that you couldn’t pin down and you prayed you hadn’t broken a rib. You took a couple more breaths, content that you were probably just badly bruised before focusing on other places in your body. Your legs weren’t bound but the way you were sitting -  tightly bound to the stiff wooden  chair - made movement awkward. Your breathing was shallow but you knew you weren’t too bruised and could find a way to escape with a little time on your side. That and the heavy pounding in your head to go away, distracting you from focusing on anything else. 

You reopened your eyes, trying to gauge your surroundings. Hoping to hell that you were alone.

You weren’t.

Billy was across from you, leaning against a desk with his hands crossed, watching you deliberately. There were two other men in the room with you but that’s all the detail you could gather for now.

It was obvious that Billy had patiently been waiting for you to waken, the bruise on his forehead crusted over with blood as he methodically swung a bat in his hands. The two henchman behind him were playing cards, your presence long forgotten.

This was not a good situation.

“Surprise to see that you’ve waken from your slumber sleeping beauty. Your prince,” he points to himself, a dark smile plastered on his face. “He’s been waiting on you.”

You’re silent as you watch him carefully as he pushes off the worn desk, striding toward you. That dark grin never leaving his face.

“You normally have such fantastic witty responses. What’s got your tongue beauty? Are you unhappy with your beast?”

When he’s in front of you he places his hands on either side of you, his long finger tips barely grazing you and despite being disgusted by him you can’t help the way he makes you shiver. He notices though and leans closer into you until he’s at eye level to yours.

“You know, I meant what I said earlier. I haven’t fucked someone as good as you. It’s the main reason why you’ve stayed alive as long as you have.”

Before you can react he slaps you across the face hard.

“Who the fuck do you work for princess?”

You grimace as you turn back to him. Then, with as much force as you can muster, you spit in his face, causing him to laugh as he pulls away from you.

“There she is. I was wondering when she was going to come out and play.”

You’re eyes burn into him as he wipes his face away of your saliva.

“It’s that venom that knows how to get men all riled up. Isn’t is Lady Viper?”

Your eyes don’t betray you as the two men stop their card game to look over at you, new curiosity embedded in their face. Everyone knew who you were. Lady Viper was an assassin that no one knew the identity of minus the fact that if you got under her poison, you were most likely going to end up dead. You had murdered so many men, the world had lost count. You were a for hire and didn’t discriminate on which side you were on.

At least, that was what you used to be like.

You couldn’t lead a life like that anymore. You had traded in your daggers for a gun and a badge and worked, for America’s top intelligence communities. For something more than the power and murder.

But they didn’t know that.

“Is that what they say about me? Glad I could instill fear in the hearts of you boys,” you look past him to the two men who were watching you now more intently. “If I were both of you, I’d make a choice. Stay and have to deal with me. Or leave and I’ll make sure to wipe your face from my memory.”

You look back at Billy who is watching you with a smile as the sound of metal scratches against concrete.

“You boys better be moving to take a piss and monitor the outside.” He throws over his shoulders but he knows better. Knows that you’ve won in the mental game as they stuttered their responses.

When the door closes behind them and you’re alone with him, he returns to swinging the bat again, watching you carefully as he moves from side to side in a slow pace in front of you.

“Vipers. They were an elite class of assassins weren’t they? Part of a prime unit of fighters from across the globe. Trained in extreme and severe cold and hot climates. An elite class of women who knew how to turn anything into a weapon of their choice. Kidnapped as children to become cold-hearted killers. Lonely hearts club is what they called your victims.”

You fall back on your chair, quirking up an eyebrow. You didn’t want to let on that you were actually impressed that he knew more about your past. Impressed that he didn’t mistake you for an isolated fighter messing with him for something as basic as territory and political power.

“You know my class.”

Its a statement - not a question and he chuckles, leaning against a pillar as he watches you.

“Knights. Pistons. Shadow Walkers. Vipers. Military Weapons, A Class, Four Subdivisions. Unit File Z, right? Didn’t think there were any of you left. Thought all that serum they pumped into you – making men and woman going infertile, depression, hysteria, schizophrenia – thought it all killed you in the end. How’d you make it?”

You watch him coolly but if he could feel you, your heart pounding against your chest as your brain searched for some witty response, he would know how afraid you were.

Only 1,200 people in the world, as far as you knew, were briefed on Unit File Z. Sure they shared their stories with thousands of others, but the truth got lost in translation. Became myths, ghost stories that undercover gangs and mob bosses worldwide shared with new recruits. No one believed that there were people who were involuntarily submitted worldwide into a science project that was supposed to make the ultimate weapon.

Knights – Foot soldiers that waged wars on the streets.

Pistons – Elite snipers to bring down top leaders and political factions.

Shadow Walkers – A group of trained spies that gathered data to report to Piston and Knight leaders.

Vipers – highly trained assassins that could do all three without a moment’s hesitation. The ultimate weapon. 

There were only six of you in existence that you were aware of, and of the six you were the only left that was alive. He had got that much right.

Billy Russo wasn’t just the dumb, pretty boy that everyone talked him up to be.

“Former military?” you ask, drumming your hands against the chair and he shrugs.

“You going to tell me all your secrets Viper?” you respond back with a similar  shrug, your fingers methodically moving against the hardwood.

“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”  You part your legs a bit, just a bit, enough for you to watch the way his breathing hitches as he watches you under hooded eyes. You smile as you close your legs, taking a deep breath.

“Army.” He lolls out.

You nod, assessing the room though your eyes stay trained on him. Two exits. One directly behind him and, thanks to the reflection of the small window in the door, another door to the left of you behind you. No windows, just piping. Probably in the hotel basement.

Now you needed to figure out how you were going to get out. Which meant you had to keep him talking.

Because if you knew anything about Billy Russo, it was that he loved talking. Especially about himself.

“CIA.”

He laughs and you know he doesn’t believe you.

“Vipers don’t belong to anyone.” He finally lets out.

“They don’t. But they are for hire and right now, I’m hired by the CIA.”

“To monitor me?”

“To monitor Frank Castle.”

A tick. His arm momentarily stops swinging his bat before it continue in its motion and you shift in your seat, faking trying to find comfort. In honestly you were trying to assess your physical damage. Your ribs weren’t as sore as they were when you initially had woken up and though your legs were asleep, they weren’t damaged. All you would need is to break the chair enough for movement and you could easily handle Billy and his goons.

But not before coercing more information out of him.

“Everybody is just so interested in Mr. Castle.” he mumbles and you give another non-nonchalant shrug.

“Your employer is,” you say, stretching out your legs. Causing your chest to heave up and his tongue flicks over his lips. “So much so that he asked you to take care of him.”

He shakes his head, leaning off the pillar to walk by you. He stops at your chair for a second, bending down to whisper in your ear.

“Guess I have you to thank for stealing my little note that outlined my next target. Tell me, was it before or after you had my cock wrapped around your mouth that you found to steal my information.”

You give a low laugh, turning toward him. Trying to ignore how close your face was to his, the way his dark eyes looked into your own.

“It was during luv. Haven’t you learned by now that I’m a great multi-tasker?”

Your breaths mingle together as you stare each other down, your lips inches from the other, begging to be kissed. The attraction between the two of you was undeniable and you both knew it. Also knew that like everything else in this world, it was complicated and unrealistic to pursue something that didn’t belong.

“Not sure if I’m attracted to you because of your natural charm,” you snort as he stands, walking past you. You hear the clinking of glasses and the soft sound of something being poured behind you before the faint smell of whiskey tickled your nostrils. “or the fact that you were trained to seduce and I can't fight it.”

“Tell yourself whatever you want sweetheart.” You roll over your shoulder sarcastically and his chuckle resonates in the small space.

Silence.

You weren’t going to break and he didn’t know how to make his next move.

Because whether he liked it or not, he liked you. You were like a shiny new toy that he just didn’t want to get rid of just yet.

“You and Frank old war buddies?” you ask randomly, annoyed with the silence and the fact that he was out of your line of sight. Needing to put clues and pieces from your scouting of him and what you knew of Frank together. 

More silence. Its when he grabs your hair, yanking it back so hard that you tilt back in the chair that you know you’ve hit a sore spot.

“What did you say?” he sneers and you laugh, despite the pain from your scalp.

“That’s what it is. Frank Castle, decorated ex-army war hero stole your glory and so when he started to stir up trouble he got on your boss's radar. And when you found out he needed to be disposed of, you were eager to take care of the problem. To prove you were the better man”

He doesn’t release your hair, but tightens it around your scalp as he pulls you back further until you are dangerously hovering in the air. You don’t quit.

“Oh, Billy can speak big when it comes to how supreme he rules in this underworld. But everyone knows that beyond all the glitz and glamour of the towers up high – you thrive in the gutters of our society. Your boys – your cute little mini army is just a way to distract you from the fact that your army for hire is a failing business in the legitimate world and all the true men of power would rather have Frank than you.”

His dark eyes loom dangerously over you until he pushes you forward and you have to check yourself so you don’t spill out of your seat.

“Seems like you Vipers live up to the hype.” He walks past you, placing his empty glass on the abandoned table his goons previously had occupied.

“Thought I could have one last hoorah with you. God, I’m going to miss your tight little cunt. Gonna miss the way I feel with it clenched around my cock. But you’re more trouble than you’re worth. Guess you were right about that.”

He turns and looks at you one last time, before smiling.

“Get one final look at this honey. Because it’s the last time you’re going to see anything this handsome for a long time.”

Then he’s passed through the doors, leaving you alone. You smirk at the high pitch voice of a man complaining, Billy’s deep voice saying, “She’s tied up. She can’t do anything to you.”  You wait a couple more beats, listening to the soft voices in the hallway before the door swings open, the earlier misplaced goons walking in.

“Billy said that we should make it quick.” one of them muttered to the other, avoiding eye contact with you. The other grunts, looking around the room haphazardly. You sigh, stretching out your legs one final time before muttering, “Told you boys to run. Now I have to do something you’re both not going to like.”

“She can’t do anything.” the first goon mutters and you smile, looking at him.

“No?”

You propel your weight forward a bit before thrusting yourself backwards, the sudden impact weakening the chair, setting you free from the tight rope that had kept you bound to it. You roll backwards, hunched in a predatory stance, not paying any attention to the way blood quickly rushes throughout your body as you watch the men looking at you in disbelief.

“Shoot her!” the quiet one yells and you smile, standing and twisting your body out of hte way of the sporadic bullets. They were scared, their aim off as you spring up in the air, twisting your body before kicking the first goon in the face. You land on the pads of your feet, turning toward the second as he raises his arm at you. You grab his arm, twisting around him and bringing it to the back of his neck, aiming it up.

He throws his had back in pain and you grab his trigger finger, causing the gun to go off and shoot him through the brain before grabbing it from him his lifeless hand and turning to the second goon scrambling to his gun.

“You could have made this easy.” you mutter, aiming the gun and shooting him between the eyes. You walk slowly to his gun, picking it up and sticking the extra bullets between your bra. You sift through their pockets, picking up a hotel room key and a cell phone before you walk toward the door. You exhale, rolling your neck around before you slowly open it.

You walk down the deserted hallway, then up a flight of stairs. 

Emptiness.

You were surprised. Billy didn't seem like the type of man that played with chance. You move past the hotel employee locker room, bodies moving past you and sneak in, grabbing a pair of sneakers and a jacket before moving past it toward the exit. You slip the cell phone and key in your pocket, your gun prepped for anything as you slowly push open the door. 

Its when you step out into the crisp night air, the partially empty parking garage echoing all sounds that you hear his voice.

“Need you to make sure that none of the hotel staff are aware of what happened.” it's a soft command but it resonates in the spaces as you slowly snake around cars, inching closer to where you can pinpoint his location.

It's a level above you where you find him, a group of a dozen or so men around him as he steps into the car, a few of them joining him in closely parked cars.

“Confirm the body. Get rid of the kill. I have to check in with Stefan’s squad. Make sure that they eliminated the Castle threat.”

The head one nods as Billy rolls up his window. Its seconds later that you feel light buzzing in your pocket, the phone from earlier gathering your attention and you press yourself against a car, watching the men as they positioned themselves throughout the garage.

“Joseph tell me you shot the bitch and you’ve started to dispose of what's left of her.”

His voice bites through the earpiece and you peek around the car, counting the men as they started to disperse through different levels.

“I shot two bitches actually. They made it all to easy.”

You can’t help but smile at the silence on the other end before a soft ‘fuck’.

“Thought you wanted me killed? Thought you’re handsome face would be the last one I’d see? So far I’m looking at 12 of your ugly ass goons and I got to say, I don't like it when people don’t follow through with their delivery.”

He guffaws now though the fear, the small inkling he had earlier, was laced through the throaty laugh.

“I may have underestimated you.”

“I’m going to kill you before you get to Castle and his family.”

He laughs harder now and you watch as a man inches closer.

“Good luck with that. If you can tell Castle and his family apart by the time you get to him you are more than welcome to.”

You close your eyes, pressing yourself against a car before you whisper. “I’ll kill you Billy. Kill you if you’ve done anything to his family.”

“I look forward to it doll. Though I doubt you’ll make it out of there alive. Until then.”

Then a click and you’re left looking down at a bright screen.

Great.

You check your gun again, before waiting a few beats. The large man walks by the car before you swipe him at his feet, causing him to fall face first. You grab his neck swiping it, checking his body for a gun before pulling it aside. You look through the rear view mirror at the five other men left on this level and sigh.

This had really turned into a long night.

[silver9mm]

I was tagged (months ago?) by my best bat-friend @exaggeratedspecificity to name 15 songs that I love, and I was really inspired by her emotional stories behind her choices so I thought I’d put a little effort into mine, too. 

But the thing is, when I start thinking back to songs that mean something to me, like super personally...well, sometimes I just don’t want to remember things. I got really sick when I was 11 and now it’s systemic and chronic, and it turned me schizophrenic starting about age 16 and that lasted for another 15 years. Music, literally, kept me alive. It was my best friend, the one thing I could trust. It was how I found validation for the fucked up things I was seeing and the way I felt. It’s how I spoke to the outside world---anyone who knew me then got at least one mix-tape from me, sometimes dozens. I would take lyrics and write stories about my friends with them. I had to go home and get lyrics down on paper instead of going to parties. When I rode the train cross-country, I lugged my 300 disc CD book the whole way, clutched to my chest. I kind of want to be buried with my headphones in but I’m a little worried I’ll wake up from being dead when the battery runs out.

Anyway, in the last few years...basically since I discovered Supernatural, music has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Life in general has changed. It’s better. It’s more fun, more interesting. I’ve found a creative outlet, and especially concerning music, I’m not slathering my experiences, my insanity, my feelings of loss and isolation and paranoia and confusion all over it. I’ve learned how to step outside my little fear-bubble and enjoy music from a whole new angle. So I thought, instead of going through my 130 gigs of music and forcing myself to think about those songs that I love for personal reasons and thus scratching at emotional scars and scabs of my real life, I’d do something more fun for me and pick my 15 favourite songs that exemplify my 15 long Supernatural fics, because since I’ve been writing, my life has improved by leaps and bounds and there’s not a single traumatic memory attached to the experience.

That was really long-winded.

With You by Matt Simons: This is from the soundtrack to Sense Of Life, which is my first published fic. I’m so glad I wasn’t really ‘in the fandom’ when I wrote this, because I never would have had the guts to write it if I’d known how much most shippers don’t like OFC. I would have worried too much about Mary-Sue’ing or whatever whatever. What I wanted to write about was giving the boys something to love, and then taking it away from them, because if they aren’t hurting, what’s the point? So I gave Sam a separated-at-six-months twin sister, and Dean a sick angel, then I gave them reasons to all get naked in a room together, because little did I know, Plot Productive Porn™ would be my go-to writing device. Anyway, looming over the whole fiasco is John Winchester’s A+ parenting, which sets this story up in the first place, and I was so gleefully fulfilled when I randomly heard this song somewhere while writing the fic. I was like, yesperfect.

My job to control you, darling, though I barely know you, hoping you grow tired and start giving in. Spout of holy water pour it on my only daughter maybe there's a shot she'll begin again. So wrong

Lucky With Disease by Elbow: I think this would be Crowley’s favourite band. That said, this is one of my most favourite wincestiel songs and is perfect for Wash It Away---the first fic I wrote, and it shows. A few OOC things, but I just went with what I picked up from the light smattering of gifs that had crossed my dash---I hadn’t even seen a single episode of the show yet. My least favourite fic, but still...it’s not terrible, and I love the dynamic of hurt-angry!Dean and fixer!Sam and Cas falling somewhere in between, willing to do whatever it takes to help. I definitely stuck to the first two characterisations for the rest of my writing. 

Fell like a crippled crow Spinning through and breaking branches I'm in a bad way Call my friends, they'll know what to do

Not as handsome as my brother But I've been lucky with disease

And yes, I'm a better friend Than I've ever been a lover And that's not saying much But I'm not saying much today

Make Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless: In some different timeline, all I’m doing is writing Megstiel. But Never The Same is all I’ve managed and it’s typical---crazy!Cas and caretaker!Meg, bees, honey. Okay, honey as lube and bees around quivering nethers, but that ‘oh what the fuck okay fine’ sentiment is there that I always loved so much about Meg. 

I had everything Opportunities for eternity And I could belong to the night Then your eyes Your eyes I can see in your eyes Your eyes You make me wanna die I'll never be good enough You make me wanna die

Adolescence by Brown Bird: Rise Above It is my goriest fic to-date, and the sort of weird, sinister nature of this song seems perfect for it. Another wincestiel fic in the same vein of WIA but I think I got the characters down a little better. Dean can’t stand himself and thinks he hates Castiel for caring about him, and Cas, par for the course, makes things worse trying to make it better, but Sam knows just where to dig into the bloody mess to get it all right again. 

So long adolescence of the frightened soul You're entering the ritual Lay down your every fear upon the altar child Prepare to play the man's role

Stay strong the sound of screaming's just the sacred rite Of death begetting new life

We are here but for the grace of everything divine It's the providence that we must find

If (don’t ever blame yourself) by Last Days of April: People who can write early-season wincest are my heroes, okay. Dean’s a different animal now, isn’t he? I’m not even remotely suggesting he’s better one way or the other, just that he’s harder for me to grasp in the first couple of seasons. Harder for me to find his voice, and I can’t even say I really ‘got it’ with The Dawn Breaks...because I don’t fucking remember writing this fic at all. I have no idea where it came from, but it’s dark and dirty and Sam is toeing the line of making himself into the same monster that hurt Dean in the first place, but in the end, he pulls it off.

If it is hard to bear I'll hold the weight If there are things you ain't I'll compensate But you should never blame yourself Put the blame on everybody else 'cause they don't see what I see If no one understands I'll understand

Lovers’ Eyes by Mumford and Sons: ngl, the entire soundtrack for Becoming Less Defined is my favourite song. I fucking nailed it with these songs: perfect combo, perfect order, perfect atmosphere, but this song in particular showcases my particular obsessive trope here. I’m so fucking proud of this ’verse, and I’m climbing the walls to get back to it and finish it. I can’t leave omega-tainted!Dean and Wall-crumbled!Sam and sweet, insane omega!Jensen in limbo. I mean, there’s actual Purgatory to get to, after all. 

Were we too young, our heads too strong To bear the weight of these lovers’ eyes I feel numb beneath your tongue Beneath the curse of these lovers’ eyes But do not ask the price I pay I must live with my quiet rage Tame the ghosts in my head That run wild and wish me dead

Complicated Shadows by Elvis Costello: It’s hard to get Dean alone sometimes, but this song really conjures up that early-season hero that I was talking about before, and writing Turn In Early was supposed to be just a little jerk-off fic, some imaginative Deancest, but because I’m the worst, it’s all slathered in gentle pain. 

Well you know your time has come and you're sorry for what you've done You should've never have been playing with a gun In those complicated shadows Well there's a line that you must toe And it'll soon be time to go But it's darker than you know in those complicated shadows

John’s Star by The National: A reminisce fic, Dean’s B.S., 2001 is a rare moment of self-reflection for Dean, but he’ll only go so far back. I love the idea of Stanford-era!Dean, sidelined, a captive audience, listening to music he probably would never on his own terms, and hearing lyrics that just fucking hit home. There’s nothing explicit about this fic, no overt wincest, but it’s there, especially with songs like this.

I don't ever want you to come home again I don't want to hear your call, your voice in my room I am divine, my arms are stronger than rivers And when you feel that way, you want to feel that way again Forever

Once ruined, baby you stay ruined

Evidence by Faith No More: The sleaze that undercurrents all of Mike Patton’s music is perfect for Dress Me Down, a jealous!Jensen J2/Genevieve blackmail fic, because you can just hear Jensen lying to himself through the music. 

If you want to open the hole Just put your head down and go Step beside the piece of the circumstance You got to wash away the taste of evidence Wash it away Evidence, evidence, evidence Got to taste evidence I didn't feel a thing It didn't mean a thing Look in the eye and testify I didn't feel a thing Anything you say, you know you're guilty Hands above your head and you won't even feel me You won't feel me

Sedated by Hozier: I would normally pick Great Expectations by Elbow for this, but the dangerous, powerful carelessness of this song fits Something To Share just as well. Schizophrenic, self-destructive and self-harming!Sam and totally out of his depth!Dean make deals and promises to each other and I just really, really love this fic okay leave me alone I’m fine. 

You and I nursing on a poison that never stung Our teeth and lungs are lined with the scum of it Somewhere for this, death and guns We are deaf, we are numb Free and young and we can feel none of it Something isn't right, babe I keep catching little words but the meaning's thin I'm somewhere outside my life, babe I keep scratching but somehow I can't get in So we're slaves to any semblance of touch Lord we should quit but we love it too much

Knock Me Out by Linda Perry: Back to my a/b/o ’verse with Between Two Minds, and we find poor Dean, omega-tainted and feeling like he can’t be loved, finally, finally starting to trust his little brother again.

You knocked me out You bit my lip You held me down and kept me sober Through all this time With no regret I guess that's just the way I liked it Maybe, when I'm free I'll realize all he really wanted To share all the peace Something I never wanted So wait, don't go Seems as though it's getting scary So please, don't you go

Feels Like by Buck 65: A song no one will listen to for a fic that no one reads. Dreamy, plinking piano for a fic that started out as a dream. My favourite artist with my favourite ending I’ve ever written. Give Buck and A Steep Fall a chance.

She found the lost boy, eyes that are crying closes Glad to be unhappy, boy gives her dying roses Ecstatic agony and nights of arousing glories Hungry hearts and hands that tell ten thousand stories Open wounds and the one word that filed under Her endless eyes have known hardship and wild wonder Kisses that cure and moments that cured the kiss Under a spell and maybe there's no words for this

I Drove All Night by Roy Orbison: The Mixtape Thing wasn’t supposed to be a fic, but I had to talk about why the songs were picked for the prompt ‘date night at the MoL Bunker’, and suddenly there was a sweet little wincest fic. Yeah, ‘sweet’. My fans were very surprised too. 

What in this world Keeps us from falling apart No matter where I go I hear The beating of our one heart I think about you When the night is cold and dark No one can move me The way that you do Nothing erases this feeling between me and you

Tell Me by Moby ft. Cold Specks: An alternative ending to BLD, But Then Again is the best thing I’ve written so far. J2/wincest/abo and so fucking full of angst and longing and good goddamn is it dirty. I’m so proud of it and myself for pulling it off, and even if I lose two more friends over it (i’m not bitter i’m very bitter), it’s still wonderful in my mind. 

Didn't have the heat I gave you memories Come deeper please I got nowhere to stay tonight Won't you make me stay? Keep your clear eyes on the prize And as I'm there Bring me to your knees

Baby Blue by Wolf Parade: Kill The Lights is the one unfinished fic on this list but I’m so close it counts. Fifty-nine songs to choose from. Five playlists. Over 100,000 words, and choosing one song to represent this brutal MCD fic is easy. Since it’s written from Sam’s POV, some of my favourite songs are the ones I imagine from Dean’s, and this is perfect. 

You're like a fool on fire To the water so blue I will come undone And I will run to you Sometimes we are an open flower Sometimes we are an open wound Sometimes we are a kind of echo chamber, wherein You're all fire and brimstone And I'm all that, too Burning blue for you

LISTEN

tagging @zmediaoutlet @omgbubblesomg @theboringprincess @chiisana-sukima @hazeldomain @indigoneutrino @dreamsfromthebunker  @bruisedmickey and anyone else who wants to do this (and if you’ve already done it, no worries ;) 

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina for Episode 82 highlights this week (now including the alpha stuff because I belatedly realized I’ve had an account this whole time, whoops):

Yes, Travis dabs in front of the camera before the episode starts. Again.

Before the usual opening, they play a ten-year-old video of a glasses-wearing Matt very enthusiastically singing karaoke. It’s kind of amazing. Matt is... so thrilled the subreddit dug that up. So thrilled.

Taliesin: “Thank you for running out the clock on my birthday, by the way. Thank you.” Matt, sunnily: “You’re welcome!”

There’s no particular card Matt wants to see drawn, but he hasn’t decided yet how far the material-wealth-destruction card would extend. He’s also interested in the card that makes an NPC turn on them.

Half the party isn’t even aware of the deck’s existence in-character right now.

“What made Kiki think it was safe to light the brazier?” Marisha: “Grog saying ‘YES’!”

Matt points out that it’s a lot more fun when characters aren’t too cautious, because you get much more entertaining results. The party had been very cautious for a while early in the dungeon-crawl, but at a certain point you just have to act to see what’ll happen.

Matt had an hourglass ready for a puzzle that the party bypassed (the stairs). Every five feet there was a check, and then whoever was on the staircase, the wall was going to shove them into the center of the cylinder and force them down toward the spikes. After that point, when the hourglass ran out, all the walls would’ve slammed in and knocked everyone into the spikes. It was pretty darn fortunate that they decided to fly down instead.

Marisha and Taliesin talk about how stressful it was to play Scanlan.

Sam gave Marisha and Taliesin some general texts about where Scanlan is in his headspace, and what to do in different situations, but they’re not going to share any of that information and are going to do their best to forget it as players.

Matt points out that “Modify Memory” would be a great brand name for tequila.

Matt figured the reverse-gravity chasm would be a neat visual puzzle that would be a spin on just having them cross a bridge, and then added a bunch of undead clinging to the bottom where, as soon as they found something living, they woke up and tried to reach upwards, which resulted in them falling up toward the party. Everyone else decides it may be time to insure Matt’s brain to protect it.

Even when Keyleth succeeds at something (like the grasping vine), it doesn’t really boost her self-regard---she focuses more on her mistakes.

If they’d hit the top or bottom of the chasm, they’d have been grappled and the DC to break the grapple would’ve increased with more and more hands grabbing and pulling them down, as would the damage taken as they got drained away...

Percy’s immediate and all-consuming reaction to puzzles: “I have to prove that I’m more clever than whoever built this thing.”

In a previous campaign run by Matt, Taliesin was the first to figure out that they were inside a giant skull. Travis: “I’m glad that was them and not us...”

The trigger for the glyph was a strong presence of magical energy. It was a powerful dispel-magic glyph that would’ve borked everything below it for about a minute. Marisha: “Laura would have melted.”

Brian: “It’s time for this week’s ‘Lord Have Mercer’.” Matt, in the background as the title card pops up: “Is this a thing? Is this a thing now???”

Matt points out that they’re all good friends and they regularly give each other shit, but very rarely he has to remind them with a little nudge that he spent a lot of time on something, and they’re all very quick to respond to that and settle down.

Travis: “You haven’t taken revenge on a player?” Matt: “I haven’t had to in a long time.” Matt tells the story about a player he had once who would get really drunk and belligerent every game (his go-to joke was to have his character pull his dick out), so at one point a cavern mysteriously collapsed and killed his character. “Sorry, you lost D&D.”

Matt confirms that it’s not Raishan’s lair; the party knows it was part of Thordak’s background and not hers.

Does Percy have any inventions on the backburner? He’s hit the “fuck-it” phase of his building. Marisha: “You’re like the guy with the best Etsy shop.”

Taliesin starts humming “Under the Sea” when visiting the Water Ashari comes up, and Matt and Marisha immediately get miserable remembering that song on loop in Kingdom Hearts.

Matt’s really excited to showcase Allura in battle, especially her team dynamic with Kima.

Matt: “I’ve got TWO DAYS to build this tension, motherfuckers, let me enjoy it!”

Matt really didn’t see Scanlan’s suude obsession coming, but he’s interested to see where it’s going. There are 3 types of suude that can be distilled from the residuum, you get different metamagic effects with each, and the sorcery points last and accumulate for an hour. There are some very bad effects with repeated use.

In a more serious moment, Brian brings up his perspective on the subplot given his own past with substance addiction: “shame can be a siphon that drains our ability to do good.” He’s finding this plot very interesting coming from Sam, and especially coming from Scanlan, and he knows Sam has been putting a lot of thought into that character choice. Nobody in the room has any idea where this is going to go, and everybody is fascinated.

A fan asks for advice for going through tough times. Travis mentions that sharing meaningful time with people has been the most important thing. Taliesin: “...therapy and medication.” Everyone else backs him up on that and talks about how important therapy is. Marisha mentions that she was going through a rough time at the start of this game, but that the game helped her a lot by letting her try big things without having to face major consequences. Matt talks about how Dungeons and Dragons was always a therapeutic outlet for him growing up. Marisha talks about how watching A:tLA at a particularly rough time literally saved her life. Brian also talks about it can be good to spend time alone to recharge, but how important it is not to isolate yourself: “Find other people who want to leave the world better than they found it.”

~~~after-dark (Alpha-exclusive)~~~

Everyone talks about the International Dialects of English Archive as a great resource for voice-acting.

VM taking Craven Edge away from Grog when he was so desperate to use it against Kevdak was something that really made Grog realize how much Vox Machina cares about him---his old herd wouldn’t have cared. Taliesin pictures Grog wistfully singing “Somewhere Out There” to Craven Edge. Matt sings back in-character.

Brian’s favorite NPC is Gilmore. Matt: “He dresses really nice. He smells really nice, too.”

Allura did the jug thing not so much because Matt was pushing them along but because Allura was pushing them along.

Travis didn’t know Keyleth was interested in multiclassing into the barbarian class and is delighted.

Keyleth is still working out her frustration over never having been told how terrible the world is, but Marisha thinks she’s got a strong enough support group that she’s pulling back out of her anger. It would take a lot to push her over into multiclassing---if she found her mom alive and well, there’d certainly be a moment of “Oh yay, you’re alive! (pause) What the fuck?”

Taliesin: “So many parental issues in the group, have you noticed that?” Matt: “Hey man, that’s D&D.”

Marisha to Taliesin about Percy: “You’re like the Pandora’s Box of people.”

Taliesin wants a “please stand by” screen with everyone trying to get through a door.

Brian feels so betrayed that Travis doesn’t remember that he gave him the nickname Tarvis Wellingrod.

Travis thinks Grog would probably go evil if he got a headband of intellect.

Taliesin sings “Pure Imagination” and then realizes he’s spoiled something for Signal Boost. Brian: “Ah, it’s Alpha, nobody’s watching it.”

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Today is my cakeday. via /r/selfimprovement

Today is my cakeday.

I made this account a year ago when I was stuck in nearly every regard. I had a lot of talent in my specific subject that I never cultivated, and I was used to the fact that everything came to me naturally, so I never knew how to study. I was a despicable and bitter asshole with no social skills and very few friends, looked like a nerd although my judgmental self wanted nothing less than to be associated with this group of people, and on top of that I lived in an abusive relationship with a mentally ill partner who financially and emotionally depended on me. I had fallen as low as someone with my exceptionally lucky circumstances could ever fall by means of their own incompetence, and this was the point where I had to get out.

I started with the topics I was curious about - cryptocurrencies, transhumanism, cognitive enhancement. The latter brought me into the mindfulness corner of reddit and eventually to r/socialskills and r/selfimprovement. I absorbed everything for the future, but could not really start working on my mental state while I was subjected to abuse nearly every day. However, bit by bit, I took the necessary steps, both to escape from my situation and to work on the parts that I could already change.

On Nov 17 I got a haircut. In hindsight, this was the most crucial change that kickstarted everything else, as bizarre as it might sound. My hair had previously almost reached to the shoulders, a result of a 2010-esque surfer cut that I would let grow out for half a year every time because who cares about appearance anyway, am I right. In combination with my glasses and my large jaw it just looked hideous, and I couldn't stand seeing myself in the mirror. However, my partner had told me she loved me more like that, and I was too judgmental to even consider getting the same haircut as 80% of men. r/malefashionadvice finally inspired me to make a cut (pun intended). On this day, I started not giving a fuck and just went with the hairdresser's suggestion. My first thought afterwards was that I looked like that one PUA guy from my loose circle of friends, but better. I went out on the street with confidence about my looks. My partner did not like it. I didn't care.

My partner was what went next, after countless r/relationships threads under a different acc that looked exactly like you would expect. Over the course of two long months I forced myself to slowly build up the necessary emotional distance to the love of my life, then I emailed her therapist with all the facts and told her to please get this woman away from me. Girl ended up in psychiatry 3 weeks later, and could even muster up some understanding when I said she would not be moving back into my flat. The relationship naturally came to a slow stop after that. Sadly I lost the few friends in the breakup that she hadn't isolated from me previously and it all felt like a pretty bad betrayal, but I can absolutely understand how people would not want to be friends with someone that bitter.

I spent the next two months mostly sitting inside all day, doing just the necessary amount of university work and regaining a sense of identity and inner peace. My first radical changes after the breakup were, again, to my appearance. I got rid of all my black band shirts and those super wide military cargo jeans in a different shade of black. I bought slim-fit jeans for the first time in my life, and a wide array of mono-colour t-shirts that weren't two sizes too big. I visited a dermatologist, got medication and changed my entire diet to get rid of my severe acne. People did not compliment me on my looks yet, but at least I didn't make a bad first impression anymore just from the way I looked.

Around that time I got a very surprising offer from a worldwide top 5 university where I had semi-seriously signed up for a graduate degree, not expecting a reply. I now had a goal to work towards, and for the first time a perspective of doing something I like with my life. My luck and raw talent had carried me these last few meters, but from now on I knew that everything would depend only on the effort that I put in.

Spring came and I assembled a new circle of friends around me, a difficult task when everybody knows you're going to move out in 5 months. I spent a lot of time on r/socialskills back then, learning the value of being a good listener first and foremost. Slowly I was regaining most of the female friends that my ex had cut off from me out of jealousy. Without romantic feelings for anyone after the trauma of my relationship, building honest and solid friendships with both genders worked better than ever. I came to discover that I had actually been very extroverted all along, with only my lacking social skills giving me the illusion that I was an introvert.

In May I reconnected with a friend from several years ago, a HSP who was heavily into meditation. She brought a new peace to my life and made me stop being such an intense person in every regard. Even my music taste reflected that, going from exclusively metal and hardstyle to a mix of everything with a lot of indie dream pop.

What I learned next was getting my shit done, and I learned that the hard way. I had until June for the first of my two undergrad dissertations and spent most of spring slacking off with my new friends, still coming to terms with myself and pretending to learn time management. That hit me hard in the face when the assignment proved to be literally impossible 17 days before the deadline as my proof pulled itself apart by one loose thread. My professor was of no help, and I had to find an alternative question by myself. Eventually I constructed 45 pages of abstract proof in 12 days, without any reference literature to help me. Not going out for 3 days at a time was hell, and I was in an extreme state of mind that got me on the edge of suicidality.

The day I handed in my thesis, I decided to completely shed my negative attitude and become open and friendly towards everyone and everything. Who would've thought some of my closest friends were already pretty overwhelmed from the negative vibes coming from me during the past few weeks, but that day I was able to make a radical change. I remembered the one thread about the cancer victim whose epitaph said "I loved it all", and I wanted to be able to say the same at the end of my life. A large factor in the change that came was buying Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People", which I saw so many times on this sub that I stopped counting. To anyone that is still unsure: it might be 80 years old, but it keeps absolutely everything it promises. One of the most life-changing books I have read.

Another large step in terms of appearance was getting rid of my glasses and buying contact lenses, which my mother had never allowed me to do. For the first time in my entire life, I could look in the mirror and actually liked what I saw. Subjectively, I went from a -234/10 to a solid 6 over the course of less than a year. The rest of my appearance evolved too, as I started working out and finally achieved a coherent style. I even got compliments from time to time.

In summer my birthday happened, and I had never really celebrated it before, and whenever I had done it it would always end pretty awkwardly with the few disconnected friends that I had. However, this time I went into the whole planning with a lot of newfound confidence. Originally it was supposed to be a relatively small and calm sleepover, but I spontaneously allowed my guests to bring their friends, and we found out that twice as many people could fit into my flat as originally planned. It turned out to be a great idea. For the first time, I was the host of something that people my age actually liked, it was an incredible feeling. The people that attended would eventually become a closer circle of friends that still exists now that I'm gone.

I decided to spend the last three months living out my freedom as well as possible and make unforgettable memories. I still had a month left for my second dissertation, which I tackled with the complete opposite attitude as the previous one. My friends and I would use our student vacation tickets to drive to a different coast town for free every few days, and I mostly spent the 6 hours on the train writing. Thanks to carefully planning in advance, it all worked out without going into mental overdrive a single day.

I left the country on September 23, after a huge party with 30+ people in the flat I had slowly learned to love after completely refashioning everything, leaving no trace of the place where I had once lived with my ex. I stayed in people's memories partly as the awkward guy or the one who talks too much, others couldn't entirely forget the way I used to be a year ago. But for the most part, the person that left was open-minded and managed to fascinate and listen well at the same time. The best compliment I ever got was when one day, an old friend walked in and said to my face: "Woah, I just realized you used to look so awful and you had so much hate in your voice and I don't recognize that anymore." Without Reddit, I would never have gotten to that point.

I am still a human with many flaws, at the very beginning of my journey, and the goal is nowhere in sight.

But so far, I loved it all.

Submitted November 15, 2018 at 01:08AM by rqaiu via reddit https://ift.tt/2B733QQ