#i actually have my faith back

[orionsangel86]

As a fan and a shipper, this is it, Saz. Misha is done with the show, Cas is dead, Dean won't probably mention anything about this and he is canonically straight at this point. Please don't get your hopes up.

You know... Untill last night I was actually more inclined towards your thinking. I’m happy to admit it. the negativity got me down. Misha’s various comments over the past year got me down. 2020 as a year, GOT ME DOWN.

I struggled with this over and over again for a long time. I was convinced that Cas was dying, and whilst I knew he would be back in 20, I was terrified that it would be some bit part right at the very end which had little relevance and that any happy ending for Dean and Cas was hopeless.

However there was always one little glimmer of hope in my poor bruised heart, and that hope was Destiel itself, because I always figured that if they actually went there with Destiel, then there was absolutely no way that they could end the season badly. Like, NO WAY.

But even after all these years of being a positive meta writer, and writing essay after essay on the validity of the Destiel interpretation of the text and believing with every cell in my body that Destiel was a real and true love story... I was still terrified. I was terrified that it wouldn’t happen, because there were plenty of reasons why it wouldn’t happen. Reasons I have been over several times before.

And yet I could never ignore my own eyes, my own logical observations and my understanding of story narrative and storytelling tropes, of production set up, of art departments and direction, cinematography and music, and everything that makes up a TV show. EVERYTHING ALWAYS POINTED TO DESTIEL.

So even though I was terrified, I still had faith in Destiel. Right up until the end. I had faith in Destiel and it was the only thing still giving me hope in a happy ending, because the way my logical brain works, I figured if they gave us canon Destiel, then a happy ending was very much on the cards. Even if Cas died after confessing, the very nature of storytelling would mean that it wouldn’t end that way, that Cas would have to come back, and that Dean and Cas would get the happy ever after they so desperately deserve.

When I went to bed last night, I was overcome with a sense of awe and fear. That the next morning I would wake up and I would know. I would know if I was right all this time, if over 6 years of obsession, passion, and dedication towards this love story was all worth it, or if we were destined for doom. Some of my friends tried to reassure me that even if it didn’t happen in this episode, it could still happen in the finale, but I’ll be honest, at that point I was adamant it was this episode, or not at all. I was TERRIFIED.

the thought occurred to me right before I closed my eyes to go to sleep, knowing the episode had already started in the states: “If it happens Sarah, then the ending will be happy. Cas will live.”

When I first saw the news this morning (I had asked my US friend Jen to send me a green and a blue heart in a text if Destiel happened so I would be prepared. No green and blue heart text would mean a social media blackout for me for another few weeks) my heart jumped into my throat. It happened. It’s canon.

Throughout the day today my emotions have been all over the place. From utter elation through to confusion and anger at some reactions, but also apprehension, because there are still so many people so negative and so certain that this was it for Cas.

But I realise now, that I do have far more hope that I thought I had, that those flutterings in my soul that awoke when I saw those wonderful green and blue heart emojis first thing this morning have now blossomed into butterflies of absolute joy. It wasn’t the scene from the actual episode that did this either, nope. It was Misha.

I thought I was so mad at him. Constantly going on about Cas’s death, and how sacrifice was the way he wanted to go out. I realised something as I scrolled through his likes on Twitter. It was all a fucking act.

Misha Collins. Troll extraordinaire. He well and truly pulled the wool over our eyes. He played up the doom and gloom to cover for the true surprise. The true secret ending that no one was allowed to even hint at. I completely and utterly fell for it, as did most die hard Cas fans. That utter bastard. :P

Nonny, please read my next words very carefully again and again if you have to, because I really hope that they sink in.

Misha is a good person. So is Bobo Berens. The two of them have been on Twitter liking Destiel tweets and effectively confirming it is canon - not that Cas is in love with Dean, no, that Destiel is canon. The difference, is that Destiel is requited love.

If it had ended in 15x18, if Cas’s confession, which left Dean stunned and unable to reciprocate, was truly the end, do you honestly think the gay man and the actor whose fanbase is massively LQBTQ, would allow one of the most beloved characters of all time, to FINALLY come out of the closet, confess his love, and then subsequently die and spend ETERNITY in SuperHell?!?

The fact that they were SO HAPPY WITH THEMSELVES. Because lets be honest here, Misha wouldn’t be liking all our dumb Destiel shitposting tweets if he didn’t know for sure that that happy feeling was gonna stick. Neither would Bobo.

This is just the start of the epic Destiel endgame. Castiel has said his part, now it’s Dean’s turn. I should have listened to my brain all this time. There is no way this ends badly. It just can’t. I refuse to believe it anymore. I’m finally stepping out of the dark and into the rainbow.

@tinkdw you were right all along.