#i also hate when people pit them romantically since that was the exact opposite of what they wete

[yaboi8i]

Misato and Shinji's relationship is probably my favorite in all of Eva and it is not talked about enough.

It's so fascinating, heartwarming and tragic. She gave him a surrogate mother figure who made him feel like family for the first time in his life and she got someone who loved her as more than an object. They were so close to helping eachother through the things that absolutely plauged their lives with this surrogate family relationship and it is utterly tragic how it all came crashing down because they didn't know how to navigate themselves through the horrible circumstances they were in at the end. God I wish more people talked about them without mischaracterizing them or boiling them down to memes. It pisses me off so much when that's the only thing people talk about with them.

[dinosaurs-last-day]

Of Witches and Long Lost Families

This is my gift for @because-were-fam-ily for the @sanderssidesgiftxchange 2020!

Their prompt that I used was magic au, and I also added an nonbinary character since another one of their prompts was nonbinary coming out. 

Relationships: platonic dukeceit, eventual romantic intrulogical, familial dukexiety and familial ancxeit. 

word count: 5004

warnings: ask to tag

Witches, demons, angels, elves, fairies. All considered mythical creatures to humans, all very real. Most of them live in hiding, unwilling to prove their existence to the non-magical humans, sometimes even fearful of what people would do if they found out the truth. 

Janus was one of these magical beings, they were a witch. Like many magical and mythical beings, they preferred to avoid humans, opting to live in the woods that were deemed “haunted.” Because so many magical beings lived in those woods, humans tended to stay away, which led to it being a magical paradise. 

Janus lived by themself, spending most of their time perfecting potions and magical spells. When they weren’t working, they were often with their best friend, Remus. 

Remus was a demon, a cruel and vulgar species. Remus didn’t live in the forest, he chose to live in the pits of hell, which suited him just fine. Everything about Remus was crazy, from his wild sense of clothing (billowing black shirts with tight leather pants) to his wild purple makeup and dark green demon horns. Remus’ favorite pastime was coming up from Hell to terrorize humans in the village closest to the forest. 

Janus was almost the exact opposite. They were calm and careful, full of grace and poise. Janus dressed with elegance, wearing long cloaks and flowing skirts that were practical but still had that dramatic flair that Janus was known for. They wore satin yellow gloves, which served no practical purpose, the gloves were purely because Janus liked them. 

Together, the two friends were a force to behold. Remus’ chaotic whimsy and Janus’ calculated cunning worked together better than most people would expect. Most of the time, their schemes were directed at humans who had wandered into the forest or offended the magic folk. Janus insisted on using their powers for protective purposes only, but Remus was known to convince them on pulling a cruel prank every once and awhile. If the two weren’t terrorizing humans, they were probably terrorizing Remus’ rival and brother, the angel Roman. 

On the particular morning our story starts, Remus had crawled up from Hell, bored and hoping that Janus could entertain him somehow. He wanted to go and trick his brother or his brother’s friend, but Janus insisted that he was too busy working to go do any of Remus’ crazy ideas. So Remus just sat around Janus’ cabin, moping, complaining and summoning hellhounds to keep him entertained. 

“Janny! Why must you insist on being so serious! We’re occult beings damn it! If we want to have a little fun, we should be allowed to have fun!” Remus draped himself across Janus’ couch dramatically, trying to tear Janus away from their work. Janus rolled their eyes and continued to stir the bubbling brew in their cauldron. 

“I’m sorry Remus, but I am working. I have to get this potion ready for Logan.” 

Remus perked up. “Logan the elf?” Janus nodded. It was common knowledge that Remus was romantically interested in the elven man for a long time. Logan himself was the only one who seemed unaware, but he wasn’t known for being the best at reading social cues. He was the most socially awkward elf that Janus had ever seen, which was saying something since elves were known for being an incredibly social race. 

“Are you delivering the potion today?” Remus asked. Janus nodded once again. 

“You can tag along if you promise to behave,” Janus told their friend. Remus agreed wholeheartedly that as long as they were going to visit Logan, he would stay out of trouble, specifically, he would refrain from terrorizing Roman. 

“Well then let’s go!” Remus was ready to bounce out the door but Janus held him back, reminding him that they had to wait for the potion to be done first. Remus sighed and flopped down on Janus’ couch, waiting impatiently as he summoned another hellhound and began to play with the giant demon dog. 

“It’s done,” Janus called, watching as Remus zoomed towards the door and out into the open air. Janus laughed and followed their friend outside, smiling as the sun peeked through the trees. 

“Let us be off!” Remus cried dramatically, leading the way. The two headed through the woods towards the more populated area, where Logan lived. They were still a ways away from the town when they heard a rustling in the bushes.

Janus stopped to listen, expecting some sort of rabbit or little fairy to pop out of the brush, but nothing appeared. Remus was starting to get bored, so he began to pull Janus down along the path. 

The moment Janus’ back was turned towards the bush, more rustling came and out appeared a young teenager. He was tall and skinny, his vivid violet eyes hidden by the hood he wore over his head. The boy froze when he saw Janus and Remus. 

Remus was the first to move, diving for the boy. The boy screamed and held out his hands to keep Remus from flying straight into him. 

“Remus no!” Janus yelled. Remus stopped mid flight, suspended in the air as he stared at Janus. The boy went to run away but Janus muttered a spell to immobilize the boy. The boy struggled against the magic for a moment before seeming to give up. Janus walked forward, motioning for Remus to come and stand on the ground. 

“What are you doing in the forest, dear boy?” Janus asked, standing in front of the boy. The teenager’s skin was a tan color, partly from being out in the sun and partly because of its natural shade. 

“I was running away,” the boy said through gritted teeth. He was glaring at the two mythical beings in front of him, shifting his eyes between the two, unsure of who was the bigger threat. 

“Janny, I wanna feed him to my hellhound!” Remus whined, tugging at the witch’s arm. 

Janus shook their head. “No, we’re not killing him.” Both Remus and the boy seemed shocked. 

“Why aren’t you going to kill me?” The boy asked. “Not that I don’t appreciate it or anything, but he’s a demon,” his glance flicked over to Remus for a moment before returning to Janus. “And I’m assuming you’re a witch. And I’m in your forest.” 

“Correct, Remus here is a demon, an annoying one too. And yes, I am a witch. My name is Janus. 

“Now, as for why we aren’t going to kill you, even though you are in our forest. I guess you spark my curiosity. You said that you were running away, why?” 

The boy looked at the ground for a moment, seeming to consider if he should tell his captors.

“Be honest now, or I’ll let Remus do as he pleases with you. I won’t stop him if he tries to feed you to his army of hellhounds.” Remus clapped his hand in excitement. The boy gulped and looked up.

“I hated it there, the village I mean. I don’t have a family and basically the only reason they kept me around was for working. I don’t know where I’m going, just not there.” 

Janus thought for a moment. 

“What’s your name kid?” The boy seemed surprised that Janus had even cared to ask, but Janus just stared at him. 

“Um, it’s Virgil.” 

“Well Virgil, if you don’t know where you’re going, how do you feel about becoming a witch? Having an apprentice would be nice, an extra set of hands and commany for when Remus is too busy terrorizing someone.” 

Remus gasped from behind Janus, but they focused on Virgil, waiting for a response. Virgil gulped and nodded.

"I'll become your apprentice. Anything to not be fed to a demon's pet dog." Remus growled, but Janus ignored him. With a few words in an ancient language, Virgil was released from the spell and collapsed to the ground.

"Remus, I'd like you to make the delivery for me. I'll be walking Virgil back to my cabin. We can't have anyone else see a human in our forest." Janus commanded, handing Remus the potion. “And please don’t make Logan uncomfortable, he is a valued customer.” 

“Fine, but only because you asked so politely,” Remus said, running down the path, glass vial in hand. Janus sighed, they knew that it was highly unlikely that Remus would actually respect Logan’s boundaries, that’s just how Remus was. 

They turned back to the teen who was still sitting on the ground. Virgil was staring up at Janus, his face expressionless. 

“Why did you save me?” He asked.

“I have no idea what you are talking about. Now follow me.” Janus headed back towards their cabin, allowing Virgil to follow just a few steps behind him.

“You offered me the option to live. I’m human, why would you do that?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“You don’t know?”

“No, I don’t know. Something about you draws me in, interests me. But I’ve yet to put my finger on what that something is. I intend to find out though.” 

“So I’m some sort of experiment?” 

“If you insist on looking at it that way, then sure. But I think of it as an assistant with an interesting past that I intend to find out. Why do you keep asking, would you prefer death? It can be arranged.” 

Virgil stopped in his tracks. “No, I prefer this.” Janus turned around, facing the boy. 

“Then follow me and stop asking so many silly questions. Questions are for learning.” They turned back around and listened to the sound of Virgil’s feet hitting the dirt path as the boy followed along.

They approached Janus’ cabin, Virgil silently taking in the entire forest. When the two walked through the front door, Janus allowed Virgil to walk around and look at everything. They noticed how Virgil seemed to hang around the storage closet where Janus kept most of their potion ingredients. Virgil was inspecting the different labels, sometimes silently mouthing the names of the different herbs. 

Remus came storming into the building right as Virgil was settling down on the couch next to Janus. 

“I’m back!” He yelled in a sing-song voice. “Did ya miss me? How’s our new friend doing?” 

Janus looked to Virgil, who seemed surprised that he was expected to answer.

“Um, I’m doing fine I guess. As fine as a dude can be in this situation.” 

“You going to lay down some ground rules for him, Janny? So if he breaks them, I can feed him to my hellhounds?” Virgil visibly paled at the mention of the demon’s dogs, but neither of the adults paid him any attention.

“Yes, ground rules. First of all, don’t touch anything without permission. We don’t want you to accidentally cause an explosion. Second of all, you can’t leave my property without one of us, that’s for your safety. My garden is open to you whenever you want but outside my fence, if we aren’t there, we can’t protect you from any magical being you stumble across. And lastly, if I happen to have a customer over, it’s probably best that you stay upstairs. Again, this is for your own safety.” Virgil seemed to relax when he realized that the rules weren’t as bad as he originally thought. Remus pouted a little, realizing that he couldn’t actually feed the teenager to the hellhounds with these rules, but he knew better than to argue with Janus. 

“So I’m not a prisoner?” Virgil asked. 

Janus shook their head. “We’ve already discussed this, you are an assistant. And I’d like to make it clear that if you decide that magic isn’t your thing, you’re free to leave, go wherever you want. But I will not protect you.” 

“If you want to leave Jan’s boring potion making lessons, feel free to join me,” Remus said, sliding next to Virgil. Virgil laughed awkwardly.

“Join you?” 

“Gimme your soul and you’ll have everything that I have! Become a demon! It’s lots of fun, I promise.” 

“No trying to convert my assistant Remus. I doubt the boy is ready to give up his soul just yet.” 

“Yeah, I think I’ll keep my soul for now. I kind of like it.” 

Janus showed Virgil to the room that he would be staying in and told him that they would begin his lessons in witchcraft first thing in the morning. Right now, Virgil needed sleep. Janus insisted that it had been a very busy afternoon and that practicing magic while not being fully rested was a dangerous game. 

~

The next few weeks went by in a blur to Janus. What stood out to them about living with Virgil was how easily the teen picked up magic. It was like a second nature to him, Janus couldn’t help but wonder if Virgil actually had some mythical ancestry in his past that maybe, he didn’t know about. 

Virgil seemed to enjoy learning magic too, he was constantly asking questions about whatever Janus was working on and reading some of Janus’ old spell books in his free time. Remus wouldn’t stop bothering him about selling his soul, but now it was more of a joke, the subject didn’t bother Virgil as much.

And Virgil was really good at following Janus’ rules. He never went past the gates, which he claimed the very idea of heading out alone made him extremely anxious, and he always stayed in his room when there was a visitor, who was usually Logan. Virgil did spend a lot of time in the garden, choosing to read in the sun and warmth of the forest. 

One day, while Virgil was off somewhere reading and Janus was busy finishing a potion for Patton the fae, Remus slammed open the door.

“I’m home!” Janus rolled their eyes, used to the demon’s antics. “I brought company!” Remus dragged another person into the cabin. Janus immediately stood up.

“Logan! Hello. Did you come with another potion order?” 

Logan, the elf that Remus had been crushing on, was a very serious and simple person. He tended to stick to simple, practical clothes. A fitted navy blue tunic with pants and a half cape that didn’t get in his way. He wore glasses that matched his simple style. Even his accent, a traditional elven dialect, was crisp and simple. 

“I’m afraid not Janus. You see, I came here upon Remus’ request.” Janus turned and raised an eyebrow at Remus, who was bouncing up and down on his toes. 

“I convinced him to date me!” Remus said, holding onto Logan’s hands. 

Janus turned to Logan. “Blink twice if he threatened you into this.” Logan shook his head.

“There was no such threatening. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we’ve been spending more time around each other and I do not find Remus unbearable as others do. Quite the opposite actually, I find him quite enjoyable. He has a lot of interesting things to say and knows many things about topics I’ve never looked into.”

“You hear that, Janny? I have a boyfriend! I can’t wait for us to do things together! We can go on adventures together, create cool things, teach Virgil how to-” Remus cut himself off, realizing his mistake too late.

“Virgil?” Logan asked. “Who is Virgil?” 

“Virgil is no one, Remus is just being silly,” Janus lied, hoping that Logan would believe them. 

“I heard my name, is everything okay?” Virgil said, walking in from the garden, carrying an old spell book. He froze in his tracks when he saw Logan. Janus could see the anxiety rise up inside Virgil, knew that Virgil would probably have a panic attack any second now if this situation wasn’t taken care of immediately. But they didn’t know what to do. 

“Are you a human?” Logan asked, stepping forward. Virgil immediately took two steps backward, remaining silent. Logan didn’t seem to realize how scared Virgil was, continuing to walk towards him, backing Virgil into a wall as he examined the boy. “Goodness, you are human. How interesting.” 

Remus was the first one to truly react. “That’s actually one of my little demons in training! Not a human at all!” Remus had always been the worst liar that Janus had ever seen. 

“No, this boy is human, and quite an interesting one at that,” Logan mused, continuing to study Virgil. He noticed the book that Virgil was clutching to his chest.

“Can you read that? Understand it?” He asked. Unsure of what to do, Virgil nodded. His breathing was becoming rapid. 

“Fascinating. Can you brew potions, perform simple spells?” Another nod. Janus moved, slipping in between Logan and Virgil, motioning for Virgil to go outside. The teen obeyed immediately, sitting in the grass, out of sight of Logan. He focused on steadying his breathing. Janus would take care of this. 

“You can’t tell anyone he’s here. You know what some of them would do if they found out,” Janus pleaded.

“Don’t be ridiculous, he has just as much a right to live in this forest, just like every other mythical creature here.” 

Janus raised an eyebrow as the three adults moved to the couch. “What do you mean?” 

“Don’t you think it’s funny that a human boy can perform magic? And did you see what he was reading, those weren’t simple spells that he was studying. I think it’s more than safe to say he has witches’ blood. How ever did you find him?” 

Janus and Remus worked together to tell the story of how they found Virgil and brought him back to the cabin. Logan listened in rapt attention and thought a few minutes after they had finished telling the story.

“Did you ever figure out what drew you to him?” Logan finally asked Janus.

“No. For all I know, it was just chance,” they said. 

“I want to do some research back at my library, but I’m almost 100% sure that boy has witch’s blood in his veins. That would explain everything. Why he was drawn to this forest, why you decided to help him, why he’s so good at magic. I’m sure if you asked him, that would even explain why he decided to leave his home.” 

"So, Virgil can stay?" Remus asked. Logan nodded and Remus immediately moved so that he was sitting next to his boyfriend, as if he had kept space between them in case Logan said that Virgil had to leave. 

Logan left, insisting that he had to start immediately on his research into Virgil’s family history, leaving Janus and Remus alone. The moment that they were sure that Logan was gone, Janus ran into the garden, followed by Remus. 

The two adults found Virgil under a tree, tearing at the grass as if that would calm him down. He looked up when he heard them running towards him. Janus could still see panic in the teenager’s eyes. 

“I’m going to have to leave, aren’t I?” The sentence was like being stabbed through the heart with a sharp sword, Janus felt so much pain over it. Remus practically threw himself on the ground, pulling Virgil into a hug and holding him close. Janus joined the hug, keeping his own sobs at bay.

“You aren’t going to leave,” Remus said. Out of all of them, Remus was definitely the calmest in the moment, which was very strange. But Janus couldn’t focus on it at the moment. “If Janus tries to kick you out, I’ll feed them to my hellhounds and you’ll come with me.” 

“Of course I’m not going to kick you out or make you leave. If you want to stay, then I’d be more than happy to let you. You’re family by now.” Janus reached over and wiped a tear off of Virgil’s cheek. Virgil sniffled, trying to pull himself together. 

“But what about that elf?” Virgil asked between sniffles. “Won’t he try to get rid of me?” 

“Logan? He would never.” Remus looked slightly offended on his boyfriend’s behalf, but only slightly. 

Janus smiled. “He thinks that you’re like me. He thinks that you’re actually a witch.” 

Virgil’s jaw dropped a few inches. “But I’m human!”

“Virgil, do you know anything about your family? You never talk about them.” Janus knew that Virgil’s answer to this question could tell them more than all of Logan’s research put together.

Virgil shook his head solemnly. “I don’t know.” 

“Then I think it’s safe to say that the odds that one of your ancestors was a witch is very possible. Virgil, you’re the best student I’ve ever seen. You pick up concepts and skills quicker than anyone I know.”

“So I’m a witch?” Virgil looked at the spell book lying on the ground next to him with a new found appreciation.

“Quite possibly.” 

“Logan is looking into it right now,” Remus said. “He has a whole library full of books and he thinks one might contain a family tree that you should be a part of, if you aren’t already.” 

“So I can stay?” 

“Yes, of course you can stay.” 

~

“I’d like to see Virgil.” 

Janus looked up from their work, and made eye contact with Logan, who was standing in the front doorway. 

“Well hello to you too Logan. It’s a pleasure to see you in my house.” 

“This is important. I want to speak to Virgil. I think I may have found his family.” 

Janus dropped what they were doing, and immediately walked over to Logan. 

“You think so? Wow, that’s amazing.” 

“So can I see him?” Logan seemed slightly impatient, not unusual to him. Logan liked to know things, and not knowing things made him uncomfortable. Janus could tell that this was one of those moments where he didn’t know something and he expected Virgil to have the answers.

“I’m afraid that Virgil isn’t home right now. Remus took him down to hell to see the new hellhound puppies. I don’t know exactly when they’ll be back, but you’re welcome to wait here until them.” 

Logan nodded and thanked Janus before sitting down on the couch. Janus watched the elf for a minute, noting how his leg bounced in anticipation. For Logan’s sake, they hoped that Remus and Virgil would be back soon. 

~

The sound of two people shouting excitedly was what alerted Logan and Janus that Remus and Virgil had returned. Logan had been waiting on Janus’ couch for nearly an hour, sitting in silence with his leg bouncing. When he heard them, Logan practically leaped off the couch. 

Remus kicked the door open, floating inside. Virgil followed, excitedly explaining something to Remus, his hands waving around his head as he talked. He immediately stopped talking when he saw Logan.

“Lolo!” Remus said, throwing himself at his boyfriend. Logan kissed Remus quickly before turning back to Virgil.

“I’m sorry to spoil your conversation Virgil but do you have a moment? I’d like to talk to you, in private.” Virgil’s glance immediately shot to Janus, looking for an answer as to what was going on. Janus mouthed the word family and Virgil seemed to understand.

“Sure, yeah, would you like to walk in the garden or talk in my room?” Virgil asked Logan. Logan fidgeted with his glasses. 

“The garden is fine. This will only take a minute.” Janus and Remus watched as Logan followed Virgil out the door into the back garden. The moment that they were out of sight, Remus turned on his heels and demanded an explanation from Janus.

“Logan showed up to speak to Virgil about an hour ago,” They explained. “Said it had to do with his family. I can only hope that it's good news.” 

“Jan,” Remus sat down on the couch, his voice soft as if he was afraid to say what he was about to say. “What if Virgil finds his family? What if they’re nearby and he wants to live with them?”

Janus hadn’t even thought about this, but it made sense that Virgil would want to live with his real family, not with Janus and Remus. They sat down next to Remus, resting their head on the demon’s shoulder.

“I guess all we can do is support him. It’s his family, we don’t get to claim that title. He’ll probably still want to spend time with us.”

“And if he doesn’t? What if he prefers his new family, his real family, to us and never wants to speak to us again?” It was rare for Remus to worry about something, which indicated to Janus how much this was bugging Remus.

“Well, then we’ll just have to accept that. There’s nothing we can do.” 

They sat in silence for a minute, letting the thought of losing Virgil settle in their minds. When Virgil and Logan walked in the house, they both jumped up to greet them. Logan stood near the door in silence while Virgil walked over to the two adults.

“So, do you know who your family is?” Remus asked, hovering a few inches over Virgil. The teenager nodded. Remus sank down to the floor, leaning on Janus for support.

“Are you going to stay with them?” Janus asked softly. 

“My family was a line of powerful witches, but Logan says that nobody knows what happened to them. They don’t live in the forest anymore.” Remus stood a little straighter, hope glimmered in his eyes. 

“So that means you’re staying?” He asked. Janus tried not to smile, but he felt just as hopeful as Remus looked.

“I wouldn’t know where to start looking for my family. Besides, you guys are my real family now and I could never leave you.” Virgil wrapped his arms around both Janus and Remus, holding them close in a tight group hug. They hugged him back, both feeling full of joy and gratefulness. Remus looked up and motioned for Logan to join the hug, who agreed slightly reluctantly. The four of them were a family. An odd family, but a family nonetheless. 

~

“Virgil, if you don’t stir that right now, it’s going to explode!” Janus shouted, watching in horror as Virgil stood over the cauldron. Sure enough, the liquid in the pot let out a great popping noise as the room was enveloped in smoke and the two stood coughing. When the smoke cleared, the cauldron was empty, with a burnt smell coming from the bottom. 

“Sorry,” Virgil said, immediately going to clean up. He was laughing slightly at his mistake. Janus couldn’t help but smile, mistakes were rare with Virgil, he was so good at witchcraft. 

“Don’t tell Remus, he’ll be praising you for trying to kill us both and I don’t think I can live with that,” they joked, helping Virgil clean up. 

“Don’t worry. You know what Logan would say if he heard that I made such a rookie mistake? I’d never hear the end of it!” 

“Roman stopped by the other day, while you were out with Logan. He said that you and Remus were causing problems again.” Janus watched as the teen’s face turned a bright pink. Pranking with Remus had become a common pastime for the young boy, but Janus never found the heart to tell him to stop. Often, they found the silly tricks funny and couldn’t help but laugh at how Remus’ brother always reacted. Roman was quite a dramatic angel. If him and Remus got along, they would be quite a force to be reckoned with. 

“It’s not my fault! Remus was upset at something Roman said and he had the perfect revenge plan! I only used one spell and it wasn’t even that powerful!” Virgil defended himself but stopped when he saw that Janus wasn’t angry. 

“Just don’t get caught next time,” they warned Virgil. “I’ll have to tell the same thing to Remus. I swear, the two of you together are like two small children. I don’t know how Logan doesn’t go insane dating that menace.” 

“Did someone say menace?” Remus asked, popping his head through the front door. 

“Yes, we were just talking about you,” Janus said. 

“I knew it! I am the most menacing menace this forest has ever seen you know!” Remus floated into the house, followed by Logan, who was rolling his eyes at his boyfriend’s absurdity. 

“Are you all prepared for the family picnic?” Logan asked. Janus nodded, grabbing the large basket of food that they had prepared from the counter. 

“I’ll carry that!” Virgil said, grabbing the heavy basket before Janus could object. He had to adjust his hold on it a few times before he was comfortable carrying it, leading the way out the back door through the gardens. 

They set up the picnic under a large tree that was older than all of them put together. Logan took a few moments to tell Virgil about the tree’s magical properties, who listened in rapt attention. Janus would have listened, but he was busy stopping Remus from eating all the mini pies.

“You know, I’m glad I didn’t feed you to my hellhounds,” Remus told Virgil. “You’re a good kid.” 

“You could never feed me to them anyways, I’m too powerful and besides, they like me more than they like you.” Remus let out a dramatic gasp, offended. Virgil smirked, continuing to mock Remus. 

“You guys ready for lunch?” Janus asked. Everybody sat down and waited. Janus smiled at their friends gathered around on the blanket. He thought of how close they had grown, how many memories they had made. 

Janus held up a drink, indicating that they wanted to make a toast. The others followed suit. 

“To family, however strange we may be.” The others repeated the words and dug in. Once, Virgil looked up and smiled at Janus. Janus was sure that they would be speaking for everyone under that tree when they said that family was the best thing to ever happen to them. The odd, mixed family, with all of it’s magic, was probably the greatest thing in the world.

[helpimstuckhere]

PART II

+chapter 22 analysis

(and don’t worry you don’t need to read anything else to understand part II:D)

good humans, greetings:) since latest chapter was translated, as promised here’s the part II of my previous post. i listened to Just a Ride by Rishloo on the loop while writing this and i completely recommend it! please feel free to comment and give me feedback, it always broadens my horizons to interact with you people :D first, let’s talk about the latest chapter, which i’m glad i waited for. such a short chapter wears quite the weight.

if i were to dissect chapter 22, there would be three main parts

1-hibino and yamato

hibino not letting yamato kiss him made me quite happy for the guy, since self respect somehow doesn’t seem to exist in many of the other works in the same genre. and also, him calling yamato uncool wasn’t really uncalled for considering the situation. i actually didn’t think much of it until the same thought was repeated two more times, then it became a full-on attack lmao. (i think jackverglas also pointed this out!) mostly to show yuiji finding that uncoolness likable and not disappointing like hibino seems to believe it is. the panel below might be the most obvious example of that, the way yamato says hibino isn’t happy with yamato’s true self and answering “it’s fine” when nacchan asks if that’s actually okay with him seemed truly heartbreaking to me. someone that could make you happy, nacchan said. that’s someone who likes you as you are and in this situation, hibino sadly doesn’t fit the criteria.

but rather than that the main purpose behind the first couple of pages were to create conflict. yamato, who’s in love with the idea of love in general is now desperate to the point he falls into the pit of so called modern day romance. he’s quickly trying to separate his romantic feelings from yuiji, forcefully trying to switch them onto somebody else, anybody else but yuiji to be exact. yamato’s side of the story is thus concluded and the responsibility for their relationship seems to fall on yuiji for now. while yuiji figures himself out, his ticking time with yamato should also be one of the reasons that makes him move. after all conflict itself is created to make progress. where there are problems, there are also changes.

2- nacchan and yamato

here’s nacchan being an absolute angel:

this time nacchan’s feelings for yamato seemed to lose their control over her. she was able to properly support him as a friend and didn’t seem disheartened by the news. maybe her romantic feelings toward him are slowly withering but of course that’s far from certain considering her personality. nacchan is nice to the point of naivety at times. right now, she knows the whole situation the best. from yamato’s feelings towards yuiji to why he decided to work things out with hibino, she sees clear as day that yamato’s going through a lot. nacchan seems to support yamato’s idea, probably thinking he doesn’t really have a chance with yuiji. so that could also be why nacchan’s romantic feelings doesn’t seem so obvious, since she’s concerned with yamato’s issues before all. she’s the type to put others before herself after all, but still isn’t yuiji supposed to be the same when it comes to yamato?

then, for an example here’s how different yuiji and nacchan’s reactions are to the ‘good news’ yamato had to offer. if nacchan is the one who’s in love with yamato why do their reactions seem to be so drastically different in the opposite way around?

these pictures kinda speak for themselves so i’m shutting my trap and leaving it up to your interpretations lmao

3- mayu and yuiji

the last part’s purpose was to close the door to yuiji’s past relationship with mayu and to open a new one heading to his future. their relationship is officially concluded for sure this time, as them being friends (which deserves an enthusiastic yes. yes to a healthy relationship!)

in the panel above, mayu talks about something yuiji has been worrying about for a while. she adresses an issue that maybe happened a while ago, and maybe it wasn’t talked about after their arc. but it’s an issue that exists regardless. in yuiji’s mind, they didn’t have a clean break-up at all, did they? when they were breaking up, the sentence that hit me the most was “i’m slowly hating the idea of love itself”. a way of thinking that’s simply enough to make one avoid romance in general, especially for a person like yuiji. this concern of his was never addressed after his arc with mayu (until now) but that doesn’t mean it ceased to exist. it simply wasn’t too obvious since yuiji’s focus was mostly on yamato’s hassles and to be fair, it’s been a while since we last witnessed his thoughts at all. this is why i loved how with mayu’s reappearance, those old books were reopened. a tiny detail maybe, but it made the whole story come together while also giving it a new life. her advice is also quite meaningful within itself. the best way to solve a problem is to directly go to the cause of it, but in this case, the cause, mayu came to him. not to make everything harder but to actually help him solve his inner issues that he had after their relationship. in that regard, her words hold the most power. and what she chose to say was that every person is different and thus every relationship also differentiate from one another. one bad experience doesn’t mean shit if in the end, he manages to find the person who’s right for him. but who is this ‘right person’ guy and do we know him?

so um, well we’ve been played in this part... i’m sure there are some posts as to what has been said here, i avoided those to come up with an opinion of my own. but still, there’s no clear-cut idea that comes to mind.

there are 3 criteria she stated

1-like someone who you can really like

2-you think things through to the point you over analyze so loving you is a bit hard (find someone who can love that side of you)

3-since you think things through, ......... i hope you can find someone like this

it’s most probable that she didn’t randomly mention something that didn’t have anything to do with her previous statements and thus those sentences play an important role. to explain where i’m coming from i’ll first focus on the first two conditions. the thing is, both of them are pretty straightforward about pointing to yamato. “like someone who you can really like” gives me flashbacks to the 8495 “i like you” lines we’ve got in the first 22 chapters. yuiji quite clearly enjoys yamato’s presence, his existence eases his mind and the way he’s open about his feelings makes yamato unproblematic for yuiji even though he’s basically ‘problems’ with legs and an ability to speak. “you tend to over analyze so loving you can be a bit hard” not much to say about this when that over analyzing part of yuiji is what yamato needed the most. to be fair, considering yamato likes calm and quiet types, there doesn’t seem to be one thing that he actually dislikes about yuiji’s personality. can’t say the same about his face though lmao. not the small and cute type at all...

for plot purposes the third condition is probably also related to yamato, and it should be more straightforward to the point it had to be concealed for now. it either a. makes yuiji understand his feelings for yamato or b. makes yuiji want to do something about his feelings that he’s already aware of and both of them results in yuiji finally starting to move. after all, while the first part of chapter 22 was to create conflict, the last part is to make progress using that conflict.

as for what she actually said, a lot of theories could be formed but i feel like whatever i say would be quite baseless no matter how hard i try. still, i’m pretty sure that’s what people expect to see the most so let me try my best for you guys. i cannot physically come up with more than two theories though... be aware that i’m diving into this blind and with no previous planning whatsoever so expect some bullshit lol

1

so for this one to actually work we need to make a lot of assumptions. the biggest one being, “yuiji isn’t sure about his feelings yet but he noticed the slight changes in yamato.” then we could make it work just barely. what mayu basically said was “since you think things through you should like someone who you really like” and “i really think you think things through. that’s why ..... i hope you can meet someone like that.” he should find someone who he really likes because he thinks things through, so shouldn’t he also find someone who really likes him for the same reason. something along the lines of “since you’re this way, you need someone who really likes you as well. i hope you can find someone like that.”

as to how i reached this conclusion, as i said the sentence should be an obvious hint at yamato in my opinion. if we make the assumption of yuiji being aware of yamato’s feelings, their conversation as a whole leads them to yamato. the guy who yuiji really likes, the guy that accepts him and really likes him as well. also hearing this from mayu plays quite an important role. it’s something big enough to make yuiji, who already has feelings for the guy, think a relationship with yamato is possible. knowing the way yuiji is, i’d say someone liking him is enough for him to consider that person as a love interest. he isn’t a hopeless romantic like yamato after all. that person being a male complicates things for sure, but with yamato’s existance around him the idea of two guys being in love probably doesn’t seem so unordinary to him anymore. that would also explain why that line was censored by the school bell. since it would directly hint at yamato’s feelings being known to yuiji. which is an info that should be confidential at this point????? i’m definitely spouting nonsense am i not lmao. i could probably point out around 7 things that doesn’t really make sense but i’ll just ignore my inner turmoil and focus on the positive for once in my life

so i do think yuiji knowing about yamato’s feelings is quite possible. i can’t really imagine him ever making a move without being sure of the other sides feelings towards him as of yet, or even noticing his own feelings to be exact. also with the way things are, yamato doesn’t seem to be the one who makes the final move. this is why i thought this theory (barely) made sense. with mayu as well, yuiji’s main focus was the feelings being mutual. “she liked me and i liked her so we just casually started going out.” the pronoun changing of course makes things more complicated but in the end of the day it doesn’t mean shit. what stops it from being “he liked me and i liked him so we just casually started going out.”?

2

and this theory completely depends on the translation lol. after mayu said [redacted] she also added “i’m not in a position to say this. given how you thought our relationship became a hassle”. when i first saw that blank space this was the first thing that came to my mind: “someone who you really like as a friend before a lover, i hope you find someone like that.” as i stated before, this is also something that directly points at yamato, as the close friend figure who yuiji feels really comfortable around. but a friend figure who could also develop feelings for him. and also, it would explain why mayu thought it wasn’t her place to say what she said. because even though they were friends first, their relationship still didn’t work out. but it wasn’t only yuiji’s fault, she continues, it was her fault too. that could be to reassure yuiji, after all they were friends too, maybe just not as close as they thought they were.

this is kind of a reach as well. she’s probably saying “it isn’t my place to say” purely because they’re ex-lovers but hey i’m absolutely stuck and i had two clues in mind lmao. and that was me considering the bell to not go on for too long (this isn’t a sports anime where they fly in air while scoring and somehow have a monologue for a whole episode lol) so my logic said she could only squeeze in a single sentence that was an absolute headshot. if i somehow manage to regain my dead braincells, i’ll be sure to come up with something else that actually makes sense:D

YUIJI

“i wish i were a guy. then yamato could fall for me.” after a pause, with such a sad expression too, yuiji refuses. most times, things that aren’t said mean much more than the ones that are. what kind of sentence fills that silence, i keep asking myself. is it him, thinking it’s inconsiderate to talk in such a way after all yamato went through? did the possibility of yamato actually having feelings for him strike after nacchan pointed it out?

or is it because he himself is now questioning what he’s feeling for a guy friend, that he refuses after a pause?

for a while there’s been one thing i was sure of and one that i wasn’t so certain about. i’m almost sure yuiji likes yamato and i wasn’t certain if he knew this himself. as i mentioned before, i was suspicious of him already noticing his feelings when in chapter 21, his general reaction to the whole confession was just out of the ordinary and the behavior he’s shown afterwards is way touchier than the usual though i still think i’m over analyzing that part lol. the fact that he’s got a whole conversation in this chapter to make him start moving, yamato deciding to give hibino a chance for sure and us not seeing yuiji’s thoughts at all for a while now only seem to support the fact that he knows. and also, unless mikeda causes a major shitshow that suddenly enlightens yamato to go and confess, that responsibility also seems to fall on yuiji’s shoulders as of now. that guy doesn’t seem like the type to confess two minutes after he figures out his feelings though. at this point i think he knows that his feelings seem to be different from before but he just isn’t sure about what he should do about it.

being interested in both genders, especially in a more conservative country usually leads up to a heterosexual lifestyle. many, including me, chooses the easier way out. when you can lead a so called ‘normal’ life where you’re accepted by the ones that are around you, choosing otherwise is just a hassle. but then again the heart wants what it wants. acceptance doesn’t guarantee happiness but a relationship with love doesn’t guarantee it either, at that point you measure your circumstances and decide for yourself. and that’s what i think is going through yuiji’s mind right now. yuiji seems to be interested in what makes a person rather than their gender. he wasn’t really able to differentiate between the two genders from way before, treating both women and men the same, which mayu didn’t like. he’s someone who questions if a straight guy could accept dating another guy (which means that isn’t exactly a straight guy lmao). just the prejudice causing him to accept that as a possibility while still wanting to remain ‘straight’.

i think yuiji knows a lot more than we think he does. that’s what i’ll stick with.

and as for the less serious part of this post

let me over analyze to my heart’s content lmao

here’s yuiji’s reactions to yamato being yamato over the chapters. in the first occurrence he’s simply surprised, at this point he isn’t blushing and only is taken aback a bit. while in the second stiuation he’s blushing a little but he’s still uncomfortable and leans back trying to get away. as for the last one, rather than being taken aback and changing his postion, he instinctively touches his cheek while blushing. more than uncomfortable he seems surprised even though yamato’s action is way more daring than before.

here’s yuiji single-handedly defeating inner homophobia, not having very straight thoughts, going thorough quite the excessive feelings that make him want to take revenge in yamato’s place and deciding to go watch gay porn the day he notices the existence of a gay guy for reasons unknown... what a guy lol

and so that concludes it, this post had too broad of a topic and to not make it too long a lot of things were cut (it clearly didn’t work) next time i’ll be more specific with my themes lmao

thank you so much for reading this far, take good care of yourselves and as always feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions! love you all :)!

[natsubeatsrock]

You Can Like Nalu. I Don’t.

I should just end this post here. I mean, this is obvious enough when an idiot like me says it like this. We're all allowed to like different things. 

But, I've had the idea for this post in the back of my head for a while now after seeing a post addressed to the anti-Nalu crowd, which I guess I’m a part of. I actively avoided responding to that post for the longest time. I did it for so long it ended up not showing up. 

But considering the recent re-ignition of the fight between the fandom that has people who thought borderline sexual harassment advanced their ship and the guy who thinks anyone who likes Nalu at all is automatically sub-human vermin, I feel like now is as good a time as ever to post this.

Nalu is the most popular ship in the Fairy Tail fandom, by far. Nothing even comes close. You can't go anywhere where Fairy Tail fans congregate and not see someone say something about Nalu and how it's a good ship and obviously going to be canon, how dare you not think otherwise. I remember seeing a prominent YouTuber imply the only reason some people stuck with Fairy Tail, even as the manga was ending and writing quality was dropping, was to see Natsu and Lucy get together. I'm worried by the fact that he has no idea how dead-on he was then and even is now with the sequel. 

The idea that anyone or anything is going to change that would normally be seen as a pipe dream. Giant shipping fandoms have been shot down by canon and still haunt waters as ghost ships. Their fans are often the ones leading the charges against the writers and/or directors of shows, proud to dance over the corpse of a failed show and equally ready to lament the success of a show despite what they see as the flawed writing behind popular series they're talking about. Much of the time, listening to these types of fans reveals that they have a lack of understanding of what the series was or did that is disturbingly low for someone who willingly calls oneself a... stan. (Another rant for another day.) 

With Nalu, it's near infinitely worse.

This is a ship whose fans took a panel of Natsu climbing out of a hole behind Lucy as a ship moment. 

This is a ship whose fans I've seen argue that it's somehow a good thing that Natsu groping Lucy without her permission has become such a tired act because she's seemingly used to it. 

This is a ship whose fans went from arguing that Natsu and Lucy explicitly confirming a romantic relationship is uncharacteristic of them after the last chapter of the original series to arguing they're in a kinky sexual relationship after two Twitter sketches in a matter of months.  

A few years ago, I joked that Natsu could stab Lucy and fans would consider it romantic. If the END situation was proof enough of that, Natsu ended up burning Lucy in a chapter in the sequel earlier last year and people were sad it didn’t advance Nalu further. Excuse me for not liking this fandom.

I'm convinced there's nothing that Mashima could do to make Nalu lose favor with the majority of the fanbase. If that's the case with the writer of the actual series, there's nothing I or anyone else is going to be able to do to convince the vast majority of fans that their ship is bad. I'd even go so far as to say that nothing I've done or said has convinced a Nalu fan that their ship is bad and they should like another ship.  

But here's the thing: I don't think it's wrong to be a Nalu shipper. 

I don't think that you are an inherently worse person for simply liking the idea of Natsu and Lucy becoming a romantic couple. You're not going to hell for writing Nalu fanfiction or drawing Nalu art. I don't even think it's inherently bad that "Nalu shipper" is a term that can be used to describe the vast swath of people who follow Fairy Tail to any degree. While I think the stuff I've talked about in the past, even in this post, shows the worst of the Nalu fandom and that part is greater than many would like to admit, that doesn't mean I think all people in the Nalu fandom are bad.  

At the same time, I am clearly not a Nalu shipper. I have never been a Nalu shipper. I will likely never be a Nalu shipper, especially if Mashima stays his current course with the ship. To be blunt, it's one of the few things I can say I hate in anime and I've talked at length multiple times about my reasons why. I highly doubt that anyone, short of Mashima himself, can do anything to make me like the ship to any meaningful degree. Especially considering much of what I've done in the past is directly attack the arguments for liking Nalu.  

The reason I've talked about Nalu in the past is that I want my position to be seen as intellectually valid. I hate that people will question why some feel the need to defend themselves over ships and then question how you don't like theirs. I came into the fandom seeing people literally say that they don’t understand how people go through Fairy Tail and not ship Nalu.

I want to show that I, and others like me, are not insane for not liking the fandom's big ship, among the myriad other things I talk about at length. I thought I was opening myself up to widespread criticism when I made my first post about why I don't like Nalu and have been beyond shocked to see the exact opposite happen over more than four years of blogging. 

But after four years of blogging, I've grown numb to the discourse. This isn't because I magically like the ship now. (Apparently, I can't reblog 5 pictures of Natsu and Lucy together before I'm accused of liking Nalu.) Frankly, I don't really have anything else to add to the conversation. I've made any and all the points against Nalu I may ever need to make. I barely have it in me to comment about the stuff I see currently happening in the sequel and that's not really pushing me towards liking Nalu more or less. It just feels like we're back to business as usual. 

To prove my point, I've directly about how the "friends to lovers" trope isn't the issue I have with Nalu. (The main thrust of the post I was going to reply to.) I've talked about I've already talked about some of the crazy things some Nalu fans have done. I tackled both and more complaints I had with Nalu were in a post I made well over three years ago.

Over.

Three. 

Years. 

Ago. 

The next post in that series would be me mentioning the possibility of Donald Trump as president, about a month before his election. I remember because I made the edit the day after he was elected in case people thought I was making up. Funny enough, that one was also about letting people who don't like things to exist (provided they're not a total jerk). If that sounds familiar, that’s because I’ve ended up making a post dealing with that topic almost every year since starting this blog. 

INCLUDING THIS POST!

Look, if you like Nalu and leave people alone about it, that's cool. If you happen to like most of the other stuff I do, and even think I make a few good points about Nalu every now and then, more power to you. That's better than I can say regarding my own views on the ship. If you happened to stumble on this post and disagree with me over Nalu, you have plenty of people who agree with you and are making content for the ship you love.

At the same time, I don't think I'm ever going to be convinced to ship Nalu. I have no such desire anymore. I just want to make my posts, write my stories and not be told I'm somehow reading or interpreting the series wrong for not liking them. I’m not taking anything away from the Nalu fandom by existing.

And to the people who also don’t ship Nalu but harass people who do, knock it off. I don't care how annoying [insert action(s) by [insert Nalu fan(s) here] here] is. Chances are that I agree with you that [copy/paste answers from above here] is/are annoying. I’m willing to bet I’ve complained about something similar in the past. Even still, you're near automatically more annoying than whoever or whatever you have an issue with by channeling that into harrassing others. 

If you disagree with me, you can meet me in the pits. At the very least, because you're making it harder for me to do what I do by association.

In Conclusion:

A personal message to the extremists in both the Nalu fandom and the Nalu hatedom.

[blehbleehhhh]

I Hate You, Mikasa ft. Eremika<3

Hiiiiiiiii. This is what I wish would have happened after that depressing conversation. Enjoy the angsty lemon ya filthy animals!

Also, thank you to those who are complimenting my writing and suggesting stories! Sorry if the spacing is fucked .-.

“Ever since I was a kid, Mikasa, I always hated you.”

His horrifically spiteful words reverberated through her mind, penetrating every cell and every fiber of her being as they ripped her apart. That four letter word. Hate. Exact opposite of the four letter word she's dreamed to hear from Eren for years. He hates me? Mikasa's lips quivered as she leaned back against a nearby tree and tried to center her breathing. That conversation left her sick to her stomach with a bitter taste in her mouth. Over and over again, she repeated those words like a mantra: 'Ever since I was a kid, Mikasa, I've always hated you.' Wiping the single tear off her cheek, she blinked back what’s nearly overflowing and stared out over the big empty field before them with a pit in her stomach.

Meanwhile, Armin lay on the grass, slowly running his fingers through the overgrown vegetation and let out a long, drawn out sigh. There aren't many things that make him seethe with rage, but listening to the way Eren absolutely berated their best friend caught him so off guard, he wasn't able to stop his fist from slamming into his jaw. Off the top of his head, he can think of many occasions where Eren had pushed her away before some major event took place. Though he knows his friend will never admit it, he most certainly does love Mikasa more than family, and he is capable of having romantic feelings for someone. But Eren has never been very good at communicating with her, at least through words. The distinct sound of Mikasa's deep, self soothing sigh yanked him from his train of thought; and taking a chance look to the side, his fears were confirmed, she's definitely trying not to come undone and it's taking all of her not to burst into tears right now.

"Mikasa, look at me," Armin sighed. "You know he doesn't hate you, right? He-"

"I don't know. That was a very convincing performance."

"You're the most important person in his life. If Eren hates you, then Lance Corporal Levi is terrible at his job. I don't think he'd do something like this without a good reason."

"Are you trying to excuse what he said, Armin?"

"What? No! Why do you think I slammed my fist into his fucking jaw! Just-" The blonde sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. These two are impossible. "Let him come to you like always."

"Something tells me he won't."

"He will. He always has, why would this time be any different?"

"Maybe he really is tired of me, Armin. I-I..." Mikasa's eyes stung as they welled up with tears, but she blinked them back and adjusted her 3DMG, straightening up her barely messy uniform. "I'm gonna go." She turned on her heel for the women's dormitory as calmly as possible, ignoring the concerned voice that called out her name.

Hate. Hate.

Suddenly, Mikasa stopped dead in her tracks

and pursed her lips together, looking up at the late evening sky; eyes filled with tears of agonizing heartache. What's the point? Why even try fighting back the tears? Everything that happened between her and Eren, all of those bitter words that tore her heart and soul into shreds, really were spoken. Crying wouldn't solve shit. She covered her mouth with her hand and sobbed as quietly as she could, leaning on a nearby tree for support. But something in her snapped, and she started mercilessly punching the trunk of the tree without even single care that the bark is tearing apart her skin as a blood curtailing, heart wrenching cry escaped her lips until she felt her lungs run out of air. She's not even sad anymore. Now, she's just angry.

However, little did she know, Armin had tracked Eren down to his usual spot located outside the main building, very far from anyone nearby. He's sitting on a rather large rock, snapping and peeling old, dead twigs. Eren heard the crinkling of leaves under his friends feet and knew without turning around exactly who it was. "I hope you're happy," Armin's voice is stern, full of disdain. "Using the quote-unquote freedom you proclaimed to have so you could hurt Mikasa." But he still didn't turn to face him, only ceased his twig snapping and drag his hand down his face.

"Do I look like I'm happy?"

"Do you have any idea how you made her feel, Eren? You made her doubt herself as a person. As a human being." He spat through his teeth, resisting the urge to punch him again. His blood was already boiling and this truly isn't helping. "It's only a matter of time until she fucking cracks because someone who swore to protect her just said he hates her, and supposedly has their entire friendship."

"Ha! I don't need to protect her," Eren snorted and shook his head, throwing the shredded twig remnants aside as he finally stood to his feet, turning around to face who is criticizing him. "She clearly does that just fine by herself."

"Right, and you're lucky she's so dedicated to keeping your sorry ass alive. Go fucking talk to her." Armin pointed in the direction she went off in and stormed off, probably to find some quiet place to think or read a book. Eren shook his head in contempt and briefly ran through possible scenarios in his head, what her reaction will be when she sees him. He's already heard this from Levi. Something along the lines of, 'You moron. I told you to keep to yourself, not treat your friends like dog shit. Be a man and go apologize.' It did break his heart to say those things to her, but it needed to be done. Eren has never claimed to be oblivious to the possibility that she could die protecting him and fighting for the lives of their comrades, in fact, it's something he's been very aware of since she so willingly followed him into the military against his wishes. The thought of losing Mikasa has him all sorts of fucked up because, in reality, he knows that he can't live without her. But if it's to keep her safe, he's willing to do anything, even if that means breaking her heart.

When he finally found her, Mikasa was leaning up against a tree, watching the colorful skyline turn the last bit darker as the sun set. Armin was right, she's definitely holding back, he can tell from the way she occasionally looks up at the heavens and blinks profusely. But then he saw her fists, how cut up and bloodied they are, and that's when the guilt really started to set in. Stay strong. It's for her own good, right? Her usually fair, milky completion is tinted a light shade of pink from holding back tears and releasing pent up rage at the tree, her eyes filled with nothing but pure anger as she tried to control her breathing. Finally meeting his ever stoic gaze, she timidly crossed her arms on her chest and didn't even wince when her bloodied fists were bumped in the process. "Leave. Leave right now." And just like that, his blood was boiling.

"There you go again, bossing me around!"

"God, Eren! I can't do this with you anymore!"

"What are you talking about?!"

"You want me to leave you alone and stop babying you so badly?!" Mikasa swallowed hard and looked off to the side, blinking profusely as her eyes filled up with tears. "Fine. I'll protect you on the battlefield because that's my job, but you don't need to worry about me getting involved anymore. I'm -" She let out an exasperated, frustrated chuckle. "I'm done."

"Now, hold on a second," He caught her by the arm and struggled to maintain his own composure. "I never said that I didn't want anything to do with you. That's you putting words in my mouth and I fucking hate it when you do that!"

"You hate it when I do anything, Eren! Mikasa, stop babying me, Mikasa I'm not your little brother or your son, fuck off, or my new personal favorite, Mikasa, I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU SINCE WE WERE KIDS!" Her cry had a heavy effect on the air around them, saturating it with hurt and anger. “You’re such a fucking liar!”

"Oh, don't be so fucking petty!"

"Really, Eren? You're the last person who should be calling someone petty!"

"Dammit, Mikasa!" He grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a few shakes. "You're gonna get yourself killed!"

"So are you, suicidal maniac! If anyone gets me killed, it'll be -"

"Don't," Eren whispered, biting the inside of his cheek. "Don't you say it."

"If I get killed, it'll be your fault because I was undoubtably saving you from doing something reckless!"

"God dammit! Why do you think I want you to stay the hell away from me?!" Eren spat, her eyes widened at his words. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you fucking died. It's my job to protect you and I'm not strong enough to shield you from death! Stop throwing yourself into the line of fucking fire for me!"

"How do you think I feel when you charge out without any assistance, Eren? We're all worried about dying! We're in a war for Christ's sake!"

"A war where a select group of people, including you, has to make sure I don't die so I can save humanity. What's the point in doing that if -" Eren stopped himself, carefully weighing all possible outcomes of what he's about to say. "What's the point in living through this hell if you fucking die?!" Mikasa blinked tears from her eyes and furrowed her brows. He's never said anything like this.

"W-what? What are you saying?"

"I," Eren sighed. "I don't see any point in going on if you aren't alive. Even if you hate me for doing this, I'll always-" Fuck. How does she always manage to pry information out of him like this? He groaned and gripped her shoulders tighter. "I'll always love you." She knit her brows together as tears began to roll down her rosy cheeks, using all of her strength in attempt to squirm out of his grasp, only to fail.

"NO!" Mikasa sobbed. "No, NO! Don't say things like that while trying to push me away, Eren!" Her voice cracked, hoarse from fighting back tears and screaming in his face. Eren anxiously shuffled his feet and wrapped his arm around her waist, cradling her cheek in his hand. She didn't even flinch.

"Will you shut up and listen to me?! I've always been in love you!" Their lips crashed together, gliding at a pace they can just barely keep up with. At long last, the feeling of being in his arms for something more intimate than a hug isn't just a dream, gazing into his eyes during their brief breaks for air is more than a fantasy, because this time it's all real. Mikasa sighed softly in his mouth as tears finally stream down her cheeks, invading their tastebuds and deeply passionate kiss. It made him feel even more guilty, so he pulled her close to deepen their kiss, breathing in the scent of her lavender soap as she curled her fingers into his shirt and, much to her disappointment, the warmth from his lips was abruptly taken away. But after that, just breathing in the sweet smell of his breath and staring into those guilt ridden, emerald eyes is more than okay. No words needed to be spoken in this moment because, once again, Eren had managed to distract her from whatever negativity is occurring around them, even though those feelings exist from his actions to begin with. She could taste his anger, bitterness, fear, and complete and utter regret in his kiss; this was a sufficient apology in her book. "Wanna stay with me tonight?" His voice made her knees weak, and his question made her stomach explode in a warmth that send a throb between her legs.

"Gods, yes..." She breathed to his lips and kissed him once more, gently pulling those soft, addictive lips back to hers to kiss him deeply and passionately once more.

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Mikasa rummaged through the drawers of his dresser for a set of matches and lit the two candles sitting on the dresser, then the one beside the bed, bathing the otherwise dark room in a warm, soft glow. Much to her amusement, he can't keep his hands off of her: they're rubbing circles on her ass and hips, or in her shirt massaging her breasts. In the candlelight, she watched his fingers unbutton her shirt and expose her chest, squeezing both of her breasts for the first time. He spun her around and immediately buried his face in her neck, softly kissing her skin as she rushed to unhook her bra and drop it on the floor. "I'm so fucking sorry." His whisper nearly made her melt into a puddle, especially when he looked up into her eyes and reached up to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

"Eren..." The warmth from his lightly calloused hands gliding across her skin gave her an immediate relief of any emotional pain. Mikasa wrapped her arms around his neck and jumped up to capture his waist between her legs, crashing her lips against his and sending him into overdrive. One minute, he had her up against the wall, and the next she's laying in his bed, getting her neck nibbled and suckled on by the only person she's ever desired to do so.

"You're mine. Do you understand?" He breathed to her skin as his lips tenderly kissed her neck, and when her hands reached between them to free him from his belt, he looked up into her eyes to see she'd simply teared up more.

"Please don't leave me..." Mikasa bit her lip as her voice quivered. She was trembling now, bringing their lips together in a desperate attempt to avoid having a panic attack. The need to feel him close to her has always been a source of comfort but, right now, she seriously cannot get enough of him. Eren noted how much more passionate this kiss is, how she swiped her tongue across his bottom lip to entice him, how she curled her fingers in his hair to pull him in closer, even though he's already laying right on top of her. Their lips only parted for a moment so he could sit up to remove his shirt, granting her the privilege of admiring his body with her fingers, tracing the dips and ridges of his impressive abdominals as their lips come together again. Her hands reached down to free him from his trousers and boxers, rushing to pull them down to his knees. "I need to hear you say that you're never going to leave me, Eren," she whispered to his lips with desperation and fear evident in her voice. "SAY IT!" Her cry came out a little louder than intended as he gently set a hand on her cheek, slowly rubbing her bottom lip his thumb.

"I'm never going to leave you."

"Again..." Mikasa's voice is almost a whimper as the feelings from that horrific conversation invaded her mind, forcing her to engage in yet another battle with herself over negative emotions. She bit her lip and reached down between them to pull her dampened panties to the side, watching his eyes as he slowly glided through her wetness.

"I'm never going to leave you," Eren breathed to her lips and waited for a hint that he could enter, burying himself deep within the eager, soaking heat between her legs. "I promise." She wrapped her arms around his neck and raised her hips slightly to indicate that she was ready for him to move, taking a sharp inhale as a tear rolled down her face. "I'm so sorry that this hurts..." Eren whispered, slowly moving against her. Eventually, her eyes rolled back and she let out a soft moan, finally feeling intense pleasure instead of sharp pains. Mikasa reciprocated his thrusts and pressed her lips to his, pleased to feel him return her kisses as they grew faster in pace, sending soft whimpers and cries into his mouth. Though they may not be speaking with words, his actions have more than conveyed any regret. And as he buried his face in her neck, kissing, nibbling, and suckling on the skin he'd been longing to touch for so long, they became one in the same. She slipped her hands up into his long, soft, chocolate brown hair and held his hips as close as she could with her legs. Pulling away just enough to feel the heat from his quiet, rapid breaths on her lips, Mikasa's insides trembled, and she moaned loud enough that he was forced to kiss her again so they won't get caught. But then she wrapped one leg around his low back and bent the other so she could press her foot into the mattress. And then, she started riding him from below, making him groan into her mouth and pull away. "Fuuck..." He's surprised that he's lasted this long being his first time as well, because surviving her orgasm and not coming was hard enough.

Pressing his lips to hers, he slammed into her and gripped her breasts in both hands. It wasn't long until they were sharing an overwhelming orgasm, Mikasa moaned helplessly into their kiss and ground her hips against him, writhing underneath his body, yet Eren just kissed her harder as he pulled out, quickly pumping his cock until he finished coating her stomach. He pulled his lips away from hers with a decadent smack and tenderly kissed down her neck. Mikasa slowly ran her fingertips along his back and relaxed the leg she has around his waist, holding him in a close embrace. "I love you so much."

"I love you too." Eren breathed to the smooth skin of her neck and smiled when he inadvertently discovered her favorite spot to have kissed. She moaned softly and leaned her head the opposite way to grant his lips more space to explore. Depending on how hard he suckles or nibbles here, those moans turn into soft cries of pleasure with the occasional giggle. But then he heard her sniffling as quietly as she could, almost certainly in attempt to prevent herself from getting hysterical. Eren looked up from her neck and frowned; her eyes are flooded with tears and she just looks so sad. "Hey, hey, hey," he kissed her softly on the lips. "What's wrong?"

"You -" Mikasa covered her face with her hands and wiped her eyes. "You're leaving me in a couple of y -" she swallowed hard, her eyes becoming blurry in the process. Eren sat back as he pulled her onto his lap, and wrapped his arms around her to muffle any nearly hysterical cries in the crook of his neck.

"This is what I was afraid of if I caved in and talked to you," He whispered, softly kissing her shoulder. "I know 5 years isn't long. But now we can hopefully spend any moment we aren't supposed to be doing something else, together. Good things don't usually happen to us, but, with Hange's growing knowledge on titans, maybe she can cure the shifters." He held her body flush to him and felt his heart break even more when her body started to shake.

"Eren..."

"We just have to make the best out of the time we have left together. That's all we can do."

"I always wanted to raise a family with you, Eren. And now that I have you, you're -" Mikasa's barely intelligible words were interrupted with a kiss that sent a warm throb between her legs. She placed a hand on his cheek and melted in his arms, surrendering to him completely as he slipped his tongue in past her lips to fight with hers for control of her mouth. Their lives aren't fair, but that's just how things are now that they are in the middle of a war. Comrades are brutally murdered on the battlefield constantly, that's horrific enough as it is, but the idea of living without the other is a thought that is simply too much to bear. However, in his case, Eren also has his concerns about how she'll go on after his passing, especially after tonight; he knows he'll have to make sure someone he trusts will take care of her. For now, Eren will spend any free time that he has putting bandaids on wounds that will inevitably be ripped open again in a few years time.

Mikasa slowly stirred her hips, rubbing her slick heat on his hardening cock, she angled herself for him to slip inside and moaned softly into their kiss. She allowed him to guide her on his length, grinding her hips faster and faster without any care of the dull pain from losing her virginity. But then his mouth abandoned hers and settled on one of her breasts, suckling gently on the hardened nipple. "Ohh, Erennnn.." She breathed in his ear and rested her cheek on his head, raising her hips up and down his length at a steady pace that elicited a groan from deep within his gut. Her inner walls contracted around him as she came, squirming and grinding her hips faster in response. But she didn't stop after this, no, she pushed him down on his back and continued with riding him. Eren grunted as his hands came to a stop on her hips, curving them around to grab the ass he just realized he's obsessed with.

"Fuck..." He groaned, and watched her lean down as her hands slipped under his pillow, burying her face in his neck. Eren pressed down on her hips, and she moaned in his ear as she reached another orgasm. "Mika, I'm gonna-" Immediately she raised her hips, just in time for him to finish on the outside of her pussy. Satisfied at last, she rolled off of him and curled up into his side, resting her head on his chest as he wrapped an arm around her waist. "Mikasa?"

"Hm?" Nuzzling her nose into the side of his neck, she finally allowed her lips to curve into a smile.

"I meant what I said, about always loving you. I truly believed I was doing the best thing for you."

"I already forgave you. I think you've more than made up for being a jackass," Mikasa was still smiling when she sat up to look into his eyes, now full of compassion and understanding. "Please, stop pushing me away and let me be a part of your life again, Eren." He placed a hand on the back of her head and gently brought her in to plant a series of kisses on her lips that made her smile.

"I would be honored if you'd let me spend the rest of my life not pushing you away."

"Good." Mikasa breathed to his lips and kissed him again, drowning herself in the new taste that is Eren.