#i also just dont want to examine my fears bc that makes them have weight instead of being illogical
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Also my dad is having surgery on his heart on Wednesday bc the radiation treatments caused his heart murmur to get worse and leaving it alone isn't an option.
#meanwhile I'm still going 'i want to make muffins rn but i also want to paint doodle witj my new gouache but also i need to work on steph's#book illustrations and i have work tmrw and i hate it-' and then i feel weird abt just. acting like this is perfectly normal#i mean yes i am anxious but i cant actively BE anxious abt it#dad and ma both have more right to be anxious rhan i do and theyre seemingly not and if theyre just keeping themselves together then i have#no right to make everything about me and my feelings and fears#like. if i get upset ma will. dad idefk how he feels abt it he doesnt Seem anxious or uncomfortable or anything abt it. just matter of fact#like ok this is happening now#only thing is hes determined to finish ma's puzzle mat thing b4 hes stuck recovering and not able to do the bending and lifting and stretc#stretching etc of woodworking etc#but yeah am i worried Yes am i going to be able to process that before Wednesday at the earliest? no#idk#I'm not able to phrase this well its not like I'm being weird abt it but i dont want to make ma anxious or have her be preoccupied by worry#she wants needs whatever to be there for him and i need to be as self sufficient and not meltdown as i can#i also just dont want to examine my fears bc that makes them have weight instead of being illogical#if i dont focus on them and distract myself from worries they cant be real
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