#i am a bit sad that we didn't get the back and forth that ultimately ends with him CHOOSING to swallow the eye and finally accepting

[tls123]

(Half of Domeki-kun's right eye. He told me that if your right eye didn't come back, he wanted me to give it to you.)

[bloodpen-to-paper]

Heya, I don't plan to talk about it much but due to what happened with forever, who was my fav and really the heart of the project for me, I'm probably not going to post about Qsmp much anymore. Or if I do, it'll take a while. But please read if you're in the same boat as me, its kind of a ramble and you can skip certain parts but I'd like to hear your thoughts. The last couple of paragraphs touch on some stuff that I hope can help be worth your while, whether you're here for the Qsmp stuff or the mental health part.

Now this is absolutely not to say the rest of the project doesn't matter or that people should give up on it. The Qsmp is incredible and should be known for what it has achieved: breaking language barriers and uniting communities. Its wonderful, unique, and still has so much to offer in terms of content creation, so please don't let the whole of it be tarnished for what happened with one creator (we've seen that before already and it sucks). Personally, it got me back into streaming content/mcyt and I'd like to stay more present this time, its so much fun and its nice knowing I can sort of drift back and forth when new things pop up. If you're in the same boat, I encourage you to not feel like its all over immediately if you still feel a passion for this kind of work, maybe you won't get back into it but maybe you just need a bit of time. Whatever you feel, as long as you're happy and having fun you're doing it right.

So, personal feelings (which I suck at but its better than bottling my thoughts and I encourage others to do the same). I'm fucking devastated lmao. His character was my absolute hyperfixation, I'm talking 24/7 brainrot for months. I haven't felt this passionate for a character since dsmp, I honestly didn't know I could still do it. But there's another layer. I live in the U.S., and I'm Brasilian-American. In the U.S., you don't hear anyone saying shit about Brasil. You hear a lot about Mexico, but nothing really south of that, and if you do its usually about sexualizing Brasilian women or narcotics and gang stuff. Not the best representation for little me, admittedly. When you-know-who won the Qsmp Election, y'all I felt something in me spark to life that I hadn't felt since we won the Olympic soccer tournament in Rio in 2016. I'm proud to be Brasilian, I've always been proud of it, but its a pride that's been limited to sports and my own personal experiences. To see myself represented, to see Brasil naturally enter the conversation for a piece of media I loved that I didn't know would have us, and to see us win something, phew, shit got me higher than my wisdom tooth removal. We Brasilians banded together to secure the win, and what's more, my fav cc on the project was the one at the center. I felt so happy, for my country, my community, and for myself. And I know recent events might taint that memory for some of us, but I refuse to look back on my feelings from back then negatively. That was one of the best damn moments in my chronically online life, and I will always remember it with pride and joy, along with the many other moments when this wonderful server made me proud to be me.

So, naturally, when the news hit I was pretty fucked up over it. Still am tbh, but better now that I've had sleep (though it took me a while to fall asleep because of course my sleep gets ruined by bad feelings, bleh). All this to ultimately say it sucks. Like, it really fucking sucks. The anxiety, the disappointment, the sadness, and the uncertainty of "what now?". Might be sounding dramatic but again, 24/7 brainrot/serotonin supply for months that connected me to my culture abruptly cut off because of pedophile allegations. C'mon Satan, I already have to go to therapy, you didn't have to kick this horse while it was down. Joking aside, if you feel as absolute dogshit as I do and have that kind of anxiety where the world feels like its about to end because moments like these leave you with the rug pulled out from under you and the uncertainty leaves you not knowing what to do with your life after this... well, welcome to the boat, bathroom's on the lower deck and snacks are in the lobby. And also I'm here, and everyone else who's been left in the same crummy place emotionally. We're here together, and I hope that can help you, cause I know for me the worst part is feeling alone in it all, but I'm not, and neither are you. We're here, holding hands and cursing existence for putting us here and making us so sensitive and giving us something great only for it to end up hurting us. We're here, and if you wanna say anything, my DMs, comments, asks, whatever you'd want to talk through, are all open.

Now comes the hardest part: acknowledgement and playing the waiting game. Like I said, if you're feeling like me, this kind of anxiety and disappointment has you feeling like its all over. So now's when you gotta remind yourself that the only thing that's over is this moment in your life when you enjoyed a Thing. That Thing can have meant a lot to you, it could have gotten you out of really dark places, and it could be something you'll still think about down the line. It can be something like minecraft cube people that you (I) got way too emotionally attached to. And for whatever reason, that Thing could have meant the absolute world, whether other people would've understood it or not. Its not your fault it ended the way it did, life just does that sometimes, as unsatisfying of an answer as that is. But its true, and its an important lesson. The Thing is over.

You know what's not over though? You. You're life. Whatever the hell you are doing and will do in the future. If this was the best thing in your life you had going for you, I am so fucking sorry. You deserved to be happy with it, we both did. But I promise you, this Thing is a moment in your story, not the whole story. This really was the source of my joy for the past few months, and if its the same for you, I see you. We can feel like shit together, along with the rest of this wonderful community who understand it too. And you know what else we're gonna do? Live, and move on. Not now, maybe not for while, but we're human beings, we persist (sometimes that might look like you're dragging your battered self out of a trench smelling like depression and expired cheese, but you'll get out of the trench, we both will). There's too much to life for this to be what stops you from finding the rest, whether that's some dramatic life change that completely changes the world as you know it for the better... or just figuring out what comes next. Taking a shower, watching that movie you were waiting for the right moment to watch (I'd say this qualifies), setting up a therapy appointment maybe. Whatever you do to feel like a person again, you have that to do, and later down the road you'll have new Things that give it all meaning. So keep yourself going, hit up me or others who would get it, and do what you gotta do to let it pass. Because it will pass.

Deep breaths friend, I'll be cheering for you when it does

[drea-exclusives]

Week 3 — Bittersweet Reunions

Post journaling edit: this week's entry is a heavier one. I had originally intended to write about 2 major events that went on this week, including Chinese New Year which I celebrated (and am still in the process of celebrating) this weekend. However, I ended up writing and reflecting on the first event more as it held more significance to me this week. I questioned if I should post it as it is quite personal, but I decided to anyway as it is raw and it is real. Hence, here is me emptying my brain on something which I hold very close to my heart and gaining closure during the process of journaling this experience.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

As the title suggests, this week's entry revolves around the feeling of bittersweetness; an emotion I find arises in many aspects of my life, and those of others as well.

The subject matter being a dinner I attended on Tuesday with my friends from primary school to celebrate one of their birthdays. To provide brief context, they are friends I've known since I was 10 years old, which is quite literally half of my life. But due to a falling-out that occurred between us a few years ago, I've stopped talking to them regularly though they remained in close contact with each other. Despite us making up and being on good terms now, I contemplated back and forth for a week on if I should go as the last time we met up a year ago, it was a bit of a let-down as things didn't turn out as I had expected them to. Nevertheless, I ended up going simply for the sake of it. Even though I knew I probably wasn't going to enjoy myself much considering the dynamics of our friendship now, but I thought to myself, "if I don't set any expectations, then I can't possibly be THAT much more disappointed than last time, right?"

And honestly, it didn't turn out as terrible as I thought it would. There were definitely moments where I questioned why I was even there in the first place, but I think more of that time which I spent pondering while the lively chatters of my friends surrounded me, I was silently grieving while reminiscing on the times we spent all those years ago before things changed. I realised that regardless of how many years have past, every time that I am with them I will be brought back to our pre-teen years when we had no idea what was to come; a reminder of the best and the worst times we've had together.

That's the bittersweet part of it, coming to the realisation that we are no longer the people we were 6, 8, 10 years ago. And on top of that, having to admit to myself that this friendship doesn't serve me much purpose anymore. To accept that it was inevitable, as people change over time and our values, life goals, everything that bonded us during that time are not the same anymore, at least on my end. This has been a reoccurring thought process for me in recent years, and although it does get easier every time, I think that it is something I can't escape or move on from because of the impact it had on my teenage years as well as who I am today; I would have to face it every time I see them.

This is a quote that I stumbled upon this week on one of those TikTok slideshows consisting of sad Tumblr posts with even sadder music in the background. I screenshotted it at the time not thinking much of it, but while looking through my gallery for pictures to include in this week's entry, I realised that this post describes how I feel about my current situation — grieving.

Even while I was still at the gathering, catching up and reminiscing on old times together, I was internally grieving the bond we had when we were young. Don't get me wrong, I'm super appreciative for the friendship we've had in the past decade. In fact, it is because of all these thoughts that I asked myself if my feelings were valid or if I were being selfish, considering they were having a great time during the gathering. But I think that ultimately, this is something we all go through in life at one point or another, right? Letting go of the things that don't serve us purpose anymore. We can't possibly hold onto everything in life because that would just weigh us down, preventing us from moving ahead. We have to choose what to keep and what to let go.

And that is basically what I've concluded from this experience, that this friendship is something I have to let go of (at least emotionally) to make room for the better things in life. Though I will still remain in contact with them, I don't think I will accept the next time I receive an invitation as every meetup will only bring back these bittersweet memories and emotions. They were such a big part of my life and it is because of all the history we have that I do not wish to ruin whatever happy memories we have left that remain. I am and always will be utterly grateful for the years I've spent with them, there are no doubts about that. But it's time for me to prioritize myself as well; and that includes moving on from relationships that only weigh me down, remaining in my life solely as a reminder of the past, people I no longer see a future together with.

With all of that said, pouring my heart out on this matter has definitely eased something within me. Perhaps with time I'll be able to find peace, both within myself amidst the impact this friendship had on some of the most critical years of my life, as well as in the relationship I have with my childhood best friends.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! Remember how I said I found the quote on a TikTok slideshow with sad music playing in the background? Well, this was likely the song that was playing, considering it has become one of the top audios people use for any sad scenario. Ironically, it was through those slideshows that I found this song, though I wish I could say differently. I remember the first time I came across this song, the melody alone represented so many of the emotions I felt but couldn't describe. And that is exactly how I feel about the song with this week's theme, that bittersweet reminiscence. Not just that, but the echoing lyrics in the outro aligns with what I wish to say; that despite all of this, I hope that we don't become strangers.

[haleigh-sloth]

Not much of an ask here but I love the idea of sad man's parade being used to save others including the LOV and also used as a real smack in the moment for Hawks. I think it's perfect and I hope it happens.

I have to say now that I hope so too. I know people want to see Hawks eat shit but I have my reserves about the whole "Touya and Toga teaming up to get revenge against Hawks" thing because....it didn't align with what we know about Touya, who is obsessed with his dad, and Toga who has not once (that I can recall) had any interactions with, been SHOWN to think about, or even mentioned Hawks in her dialogue.

It also felt like an incredibly flat way to use Twice because, if there is anything above all else that we know FOR SURE, it's that the heroes are gonna come out of this fight victorious. Villains in tow as their comrades or not (they will be), the heroes are winning because that's just how it is.

So to use Twice for revenge, revenge that ultimately would not even pay off, just felt weird to me. Revenge is also never a good thing. It's not. Dabi's revenge is killing him slowly (although it's working more quickly now, those burns are spreading), and Shigaraki's revenge against society has landed him in the situation he is in now.

It just feels more in line with what BNHA is about to have Twice be a hero along with the rest of the living members of the LOV. I'm fairly certain that's what the "Part Minus 1" chapter title was about. "The Story of How We ALL Became Heroes, Part Minus 1". The "minus 1" being Twice. And it matched perfectly with this chapter cover of Toga honoring his memory:

I'm not saying it's guaranteed that this is gonna happen, but the current set up? I have a hard time believing that this ISN'T where Toga gets the answer she is looking for. I am obviously open to being wrong, but for the story to go so back and forth with "villains face their heroes" "now they don't" "NOW THEY DO AGAIN", like...please can we not. I'd rather move forward to the good stuff. More fighting and the sides opposing each other is just repetitive at this point because we've seen them oppose each other since chapter 1. Let's crank it up a notch for the ending please.

Also, Twice was, for all intents and purposes, a heroic person. He persevered when things seemed hopeless (during MVA for Toga) and his dying moments were saving his friends (Toga, again). So it just feels more meaningful for Toga do use the last bit of Twice she has left to do something that he would have wanted, which is to save his friends. And in order to do that, the LOV have to help the heroes save everyone.

[fictionalrambles]

Shadowhunters Fandom Story - Part Fifteen

Submitted by jwrites_

Five Favourite Fics:

1. What's It Gonna Be by @lemonoclefox

Why I love this fic: I'm a sucker for Pride & Prejudice. San was able to take that dynamic and put it all in a modern day telling of it. I can't count how many times I've read this. Sometimes I read it all the way through, other times I go and find my favorite parts just to get that rush of emotions it never fails to give. The enemies to lovers is done perfectly, the dialogue is great and flows seamlessly, the way she tied in the storyline between Simon, Isabelle, Valentine, and Alec together was genius. I truly love every word of this story.

Favorite scene: Awkward - love - confession - in -  the -  rain

Favorite quote(s):

(Yes. Love confessions are great but have you ever overheard someone say something rude about you and then have the opportunity later that same night to be able to casually call that person out for their comment?)

"Her friend is..." He trails off, as though searching for the word, and Magnus can imagine him gesturing in the meantime. "Interesting," Jace eventually settles on, pointedly.

"Who, that Bane guy?" Alec says, and as he does, Magnus is hit with a wave of intrigued surprise. Does Alec like men? Interesting. The assumption could be wrong, of course, but Jace's tone implies that that's why he's mentioning it. "He's a bit over the top, don't you think?"

He sounds almost disdainful as he says it, as though Jace's mere suggestion is laughable, and Magnus's intrigue immediately shifts to offended annoyance. He straightens a little where he stands, reluctantly affected by it.

--

"I mean, love songs are great," Magnus admits lightly. "But stringing a few pretty words together does seem a bit unoriginal when everyone does it."

Simon shoves him lightly in offense, and Magnus can't help but laugh.

"Then what do you suggest?" Magnus is taken completely by surprise when he realizes that it's Alec who's speaking, and he turns to him. The guy's expression is neutral, but seems genuinely curious.

"Oh, I don't know," Magnus says, swirling his drink around in his glass. He shrugs. "I suppose I'm more a fan of showing and not telling. I'd much prefer someone showing interest in what I like and who I am, than comparing my eyes to the night sky, and whatnot." He gestures airily, then hesitates. He suddenly can't seem to stop himself, the memory of the Lightwoods' overheard conversation bubbling to the surface. "I think most people can appreciate that. Even if some of us are a bit over the top."

--Okay...I'm gonna go ahead and throw in a love confession~

"Look, I don't expect anything from you," he says, as though the words are hard to say. "You've made your feelings pretty clear, and I respect that. But I heard you talked to my mom, and with the stuff you said to her... I guess it just kind of made me a bit hopeful, or something. A bit." He clears his throat, while Magnus just listens. He turns to watch Alec's profile as the young man struggles to find the words, eyes on the view in front of him. "Either way, I'll admit that how I feel hasn't really changed. Maybe it should have, but..."

Alec shakes his head, and Magnus feels his throat go dry. He wants to interrupt Alec, wants to say and show everything that's bursting out of his chest, but he waits. Alec takes a deep breath then, turns to him. He looks determined.

"If you want me to," he says steadily, "I'll go. I'll leave you alone, I promise. You won't hear from me again." He pauses, licks his lips. "But if you don't want me to, if something has changed since last time, somehow... I'd really like to know. Because that would be pretty great."

2. 42 North 71 West by @lecrit​

Why I love this fic: I was blessed with the opportunity to witness Lu working on this fic from its conception to its end. I was there and still I am blown away at the way she was able to work the time jumps. I remember thinking with every chapter I read, 'Wow. The way she is telling this story is amazing. She is amazing.' Lu has a way of presenting so much honesty in her characters. She writes them in a way that feels so real, that you can't help but understand their fears and hesitations even though it hurts. The story is a back and forth told through scenes set in the past and present. You get to see what they were and where they are. The story is beautifully heartbreaking. And she was able to make me enjoy a story that dealt with politics? What? Sorcery, I tell you. -- also, the bench.

Favorite scene: This was almost impossible to choose and I took way too long trying to pinpoint just one. But I'm going to go with one that I hold very dear. When Magnus goes to visit Alec on his birthday and he finds Alec playing the song he only plays when he's sad. That's all I'm going to say because I don't want to spoil~

Favorite quote(s):

“Magnus,” Alec breathes out.

The name feels almost foreign, as if he hadn’t uttered it in too long and now his mind is troubling to catch up with his mouth. Still, it manages to make Alec’s heart stutter.

--

“We should’ve stayed on that bench in Boston,” he murmurs.

--

The good thing is, he knows where to go to find his way back. It is inked on his body, engraved into his soul, sealed into his heart.

3. Lead The Way by Clockworkswan

Why I love this fic: Because it takes the wonderful adventure of Doctor Who and packs it in with Malec. This is the ultimate fun and feel good but you will also cry at one point fic. I always go back to it if I want a wonderfully written Doctor Magnus and his adorable companion Alec. Seriously, even if you're not into Doctor Who, give this fic a shot. It's written in a way that you will get so caught up in the adventure that you won't even realize it's based on something else. And if you're a Doctor Who fan, you're in luck with all the little Easter Eggs Heather left throughout.

Favorite scene: I really don't want to spoil anything. The planet of Ablorix. This will mean nothing if you don't read the fic (so you should ;])

Favorite quote(s):

Magnus extends a hand. It’s just like before, when they were in the hallway a couple of weeks ago. It’s just as inviting as it was the first time.

“How about it, pretty boy? Name a star. Any one will do. Or a date,” Magnus says. The double meaning is evident when he winks. He pauses then, and his expression shifts, growing solemn.

A clear shift in his demeanour happens. Magnus turns from playful to sincere in the blink of an eye. Although, there was also a serious tone to it. Magnus looks at him, and understanding eyes meet Alec’s hesitant ones. “Alexander, you seem like a man in need of a break, and I am very much a man in need of a friend. Adventures are always a quick way in figuring out what you want. What do you say?”

What does he say?

He says yes.

Of course Alec does.

--

Before Magnus can think of a good retort, he tries to ignore the clenching ache his stomach gives at the sight of a confident, smirking Alec Lightwood watching him so openly. He settles for pointing in a random direction. “I have to go and see a dog about a man. Meet back here in five?”

“Uh, isn’t the expression, ‘see a man about a dog’?”

“Not when the dog ran off with the man’s wife. A rather big scandal, it seems. The president wants me to try and step in. Smooth things over, so to speak.”

At that, Alec just stares blankly.

Magnus holds up a finger. “Yes, this is normal for me. No, you may not come along. Go.”

4. Love & Other Drugs prequel of Our Love Is A Harsh Chord in the Semi-charmed Kind Life series by @la-muerta​

Why I love this fic: I'm kind of cheating here by listing two fics but they're a package deal. Love & Other Drugs was a smutty one-shot that left me wanting

more...

backstory. Let me tell you the pining and 'unrequited' love between those two demanded a story to be written. Which is why when la_muerta ran a poll on whether or not she should start it or another series first, I campaigned for this one like it was my job (I lost but I still got the series eventually so did I really lose?) The writing in this and with all of la_muerta's fics will hook you. The sadness over the back and forth between them is done so well. It's angst that will grip you and hold onto you until you eventually finish. Just go on the twitter hashtag of #OLIAHCfic and see my screaming.

Favorite scene: Probably the LSD scene.

Favorite quote(s):

Alec was still here, in bed with him.

How many times had Magnus wished that he could wake up with Alec in his arms? He didn't dare to move, wanting the dream to last a little longer, but Alec was already stirring.

--

he'll wonder if life would be a little easier if he wasn't hopelessly in love with Magnus, but it is a fact of who he is now: Alec Lightwood is 6'3, has dark hair, is gay, and is in love with Magnus Bane.

--

They are lying next to each other now, turned on their sides and face to face. The world is no longer warped and weird, but glowing and perfect. Magnus is tracing a path of lightning down Alec's body with his fingertips, and in a moment of clarity Alec understands that in Magnus' eyes he is as beautiful as he thinks Magnus is (it is the first thing Alec forgets when he wakes up sober later).

--

Words aren't enough to express how he feels, but they've always understood each other better when clumsy words don't get in the way.

5. The Lonely Hearts Hotline by @unrestrainedlyexcessive​

Why I love this fic: It's funny, it's endearing, it's heart wrenching, it's sexy, etc. The way Alec is written in this fic is one of my favorite characterizations. The way his situation can resonate with so many young adults today. That feeling when you're an adult and you feel like you should know what to do with your life and who you should be but the truth is, you're still just as lost as always. Being an adult sucks tbh and even when you're an adult, sometimes life doesn't quite feel like it. Alec's character and growth in this fic is beautiful. (I also really loved Jace in this fic)

Favorite scene: A tough choice. Probably the office party and follow up scene in Magnus' office.

Favorite quote(s):

The problem with being a new grad, in general, is that the world and job force demands you have experience, but you have to live a certain number of productive years on the planet to gain that experience.

Early adulthood is no man's land. You don’t have the experience to matter and no one wants to pay you to gain it, hence how he ended up in the precarious situation he’s in: dodgy sex work by night, an even dodgier roommate, and desperately hoping an internship eventually turns into an actual paying job.

--

Magnus runs his tongue down the knobs of Alec's spine. "You're so beautiful," he says, pausing.

"I'm really not," Alec insists, eyes fluttering closed.

"Why are you so kind to everyone except yourself?"

"I'm a work in progress."

"Aren't we all?"

[jzeeeeeeeee]

Game of Thrones 8.06 Series Finale Recap and Review

THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF SPOILERS

This should be kind of obvious but I'll be discussing the final episode of Game of Thrones here so if you're not caught up don't read this unless you want to be spoiled!

CITY OF ASHES

Tyrion walks us into the episode, literally, walking through the ashes of King's Landing, closely followed by Jon and Davos. Ash is everywhere, still raining down, floating in the air like snow. I can only imagine the smell, if the scent from piles of burning dead outside Winterfell was bad this must be a thousand times worse considering they've always said how bad the city smelled to begin with... The horror on Tyrion's face is evident and surely echoes our own, as he walks by dead children and a near-naked burnt man stumbling out of the ruined city looking truly shellshocked. Tyrion tells Jon he wants to go on alone and heads for the destroyed Red Keep. Jon and co. run into Grey Worm and the Unsullied sentencing some Lannister soldiers to death in Dani's name and under her orders. Jon tries to tell Grey Worm that the war is over and the enemy soldiers are prisoners now, pleading for their lives. But the overwhelming loss must have had a hollowing effect on Grey Worm, emptying him of every last fuck he had to give. It almost comes to blood between Grey Worm/the Unsullied and Jon/random Northmen but Davos intercedes, quickly urging Jon to go speak with Dani directly. As Jon walks away, Grey Worm goes back to slitting throats of Lannister men like it's nothing, as if to show Jon how truly empty his fuck-tank was.

Back to Tyrion, walking around the remains of the Red Keep. He follows the steps down just like he told Jaime and sees the gigantic mountain of rubble covering the exit he had described. He starts digging through the rubble and finds jaime's gold hand. Digging further he uncovers both his siblings, dead on each other's arms. The music is haunting, a slow violin rendition of Rains of Castamere. This scene was picture perfect in it's tragedy, the bricks washing all color out of the scene save for the Lannisters. I might not have liked the way Cersei's end came or Jaime's middle finger to his redemption arc but seeing Tyrion kneeling there crying over them definitely gave me the feels.

PLAZA OF PRIDE

Arya walks past dead bodies and ruins out into the square in front of the Red Keep where the mysterious remaining half of the Dothraki are riding around on their horses, cheering and raising their arakhs in the air. We switch to follow Jon who's walking past the Dothraki and Unsullied towards massive, imposing steps of what is apparently left of the Red Keep. It makes me think of the Mayan Temple of the Sun, draped with a truly ginormous Targaryen banner. Jon looks at Grey Worm when he gets to the top of the stairs like "this is not handicap accessible". Just kidding, Jon looks at Grey Worm like he's gone as bonkers as his Queen. Dani and Drogon come flying in overhead and land somewhere behind the ruined Keep. Drogon's wings behind Dani stretch out and fold as she comes walking into the foreground. The sight is truly amazing and I've watched that part alone a hundred times. This is a powerful leader with men fiercely loyal to her returning victorious, no longer that little girl in Essos constantly on the run from assassins. There's a nice juxtaposition of the Unsullied lined up with precision thumping their spears in perfect unison, while the Dothraki are in a frenzy behind their orderly rows, practically doing wheelies on their horses as Dani delivers her victory speech.

Ok let's just stop and appreciate this character for a minute. Let's just imagine going through what she went through, it truly must feel like destiny, step by step bringer her closer to madness, all that power she has. She has a huge dragon that is closely bonded to her, she's the Unburnt not just a Khaleesi, not just a Queen. She's conquered before, and liberated before. When a character is too OP you just know they can't last... Remember the speech she gave when she named the entire khalasar her bloodriders? These men watched her walk out of fire, TWICE, unharmed. Who wouldn't kneel? They must think her a goddess! Grey Worm is devoted utterly because he was freed by Dani and he controls the Unsullied. The naming as Master of War, a great boon to him I'm sure, leader of ALL her forces now. He's still covered in the blood of dead Lannister soldiers as he steps forward to accept the nomination.

Danaerys speaks passionately, fervently as any champion of fire would. I could practically see flames dancing in her eyes as she talks of liberating the people of King's Landing. The show told me she's going crazy so I guess she must be. Jon's eyes when she starts talking about liberating the entire world... But it seems Tyrion agrees with me and in a fit of pique and anguish he casts off his Hand of the Queen pin to the ground. Dani commands the guards to take Tyrion and he locks eyes with Jon as he's walked off, with this "Your girl done gone nuts bro" face.

Arya catches up with Jon on the steps, urging him to see that Dani is a killer and he's in danger from her since she knows his true heritage. I like how he's surprised to see her, asking for its the audience what she's doing there in the first place. He doesn't even question the fact she came to kill Cersei and walks off to go find Tyrion's cell.

BROKEN THINGS

Jon and Tyrion discuss what happened and Jon can't deny what Dani did was wrong but he's trying to justify it by naming all the things she lost along the way to madness. Tyrion reiterates what Arya was saying, that Jon's life is at risk because of his claim to the throne. Jon actually rolls his eyes before sitting down to take it all in. It seems like Tyron admits he had feelings for Dani here, saying he loved her though not as successfully as Jon did. He walks Jon by the hand to the idea that she's the biggest threat to the people, especially his sisters. He lays a choice at Jon's feet, knowing that only Jon has the chance to bring this to an end.

Jon leaves to go find Dani in the Keep. Drogon is stretched outside like the largest cat ever, briefly getting up to see who's disturbing his rest but let's Jon go by without even a puff of smoke. Dani's walking through the ruined throne room, stretching out her hand to the Iron Throne she's sought after for all these years, touching the arm briefly. The ruins of the throne room and the snow-like ash in the air are the payoff from the vision she had in Qaarth's House of the Undying. She's contemplative, making a meta comment about the throne being made of a thousand blades from Aegon's fallen enemies. This is a sort of dig because the throne GRRM had described and imagined was more like the one she does here. Jon comes in to rain on her parade, angry about the Unsullied executing Lannister soldiers along with the thousands of dead and burned children outside. He seems to be giving her one last chance, begging with her to see reason. As she says her final words about building a new world and breaking the wheel I'm heartbroken because I know what's coming next without anyone telling me. "Be with me. Build the new world with me. This is our reason, since you were a little boy with a bastard's name and I was a little girl that couldn't count to 20. We do it together. We break the wheel together." He kisses her passionately this time, "You are my Queen, now and always", not breaking away like he did at Winterfell and Dragonstone, and I know the instant the knife goes in her heart he's sobbing and so am I. It's like she had plot armor her entire life... until today.

THE IRON THRONE

Jon lays Dani's body down on the ground and suddenly Drogon's there, sensing something wrong with his mother. He nudges her with his head but she's gone, and the sadness that pours out of him is an echo of my own seeing her tragic story at an end. This girl had been on this path since her birth, freeing slaves, serving justice to those who deserved it and I'm supposed to believe right at the end she decides to kill all the innocent people she came to save. Ok fine I'll go along with it for now since we're on mega fast forward this season and maybe I just missed all the subtle steps on the way to Dani's madness. Back to Drogon... He's so full of anguish he let's out a few huge bursts of fire, melting the Iron Throne down to slag. The scene was awesome in the true meaning of the word but I'm a little confused why Drogon would understand the meaning of such an act. And why didn't Jon move out of the way more? He has a weird thing with facing dragons I guess, maybe he planned on yelling at Drogon like he did to his brother. The scene ends after Drogon snatches up Dani's body in one claw and flies away, never to be seen again.

Tyrion awakes, finding his buddy Grey Worm at the door. He's led out to the Dragonpit where the Lords and Ladies of Westeros (🤷) are waiting. I have no idea what kind of time has passed but guessing from Tyrion's hair it's been a few weeks since Dani's death. Sansa demands to know where Jon is but Grey Worm insists they are in control of the city and it's prisoners. Sansa doubles down letting him know King's Landing is surrounded by Northmen. Yara makes some threat about Jon getting killed by the Unsullied but Arya comes right back at her saying she'll slit her throat lol. I think it's right around here everything becomes a bit hokey to me. After some back and forth with Grey Worm about the fate of Jon Snow, Tyrion suggests they choose a king or queen (who will ultimately be in charge of that fate). That Tully dude, Lord of the Riverlands gets up to make a speech (maybe to make a play as king?) but Sansa shoots him down by asking him to just sit, be a good boy, and drink his bottled water. Sam suggests a type of democracy system where everyone gets a say and they all just laugh at him. Just like everyone imagined, Tyrion reveals Jon is the heir to the Throne and they all live happily ever after. Wait no, actually he walks around and talks about how stories hold the world together and Bran should be King. What in the ever-loving fuck? Who has a better story than a man who came back from the dead only to find he was not a bastard at all but the heir to the Iron Throne????!!! Ok I get that he killed Dani so that's a stain on his honor but he did it to save the whole damn world. He didn't want to rule but neither did Bran! Tyrion proposes kingship to Bran in a way that sounds like a marriage proposal from the realm. Then Bran shows more emotion than he has in the past 2 seasons, he smiled a little and says "Why do you think I came all this way?" Huh? Well I had thought it was to help defeat the Night King and the White Walkers but fine I'll go along with that too I guess... I thought for a hot second he'd say "I am Groot". Sansa declares independence for the North after we get a round of "ayes" from all the other Westerosi Lords and Ladies in favor of Bran the Broken as king. I face palm but on my 3rd or 4th rewatch I see that Tyrion's cleverness did shine through one last time. He knew that giving Jon to the Unsullied would mean more war, knew Jon didn't want the throne anyway, knew that the puzzle needed solving and I suppose he did it. Jon would go to the Wall and serve a life sentence in the Night's Watch as a compromise, apparently to keep everyone from getting what they want. We see Tyrion meet briefly with Jon to explain this and he's as baffled as I am there's even a Night's Watch left. What are they watching? Season one?

A DREAM OF SPRING

Another time jump of unknown proportions and Jon is getting on a boat, headed for the Wall. He sees Grey Worm on another ship about to set sail for Naath where I can only assume he'll die from butterfly poison trying to protect Missandei's people. As Jon rounds a corner he sees Bran, Arya and Sansa are there to see him off. Hugs all around, Sansa apologizes to Jon and I can't help but think it's forced, Arya will sail West of Westeros. When Jon kneels in front of Bran saying, "Your Grace" I'm still wondering what his Targ ancestry had to do with anything and why Bran thought it was so important for him to know. The last of the Starks are going to go on their separate paths again, but hey they won the Game.

We next get a cute scene of Brienne writing Jaime's deeds in the White Book, meaning she's the Lord Commander now. This part is uber meme-able, particularly when she makes faces trying to think of good deeds to write. After a few creative truths she closes the book without writing anything about how he saved the people of King's Landing from being burned alive with wildfire. This scene also shows us Bran the Broken has taken a raven for his sigil, it's now prominent on Brienne's Kingsguard armor.

We go next back to Tyrion, the Keep mended enough to have a small council meeting in the old spot he's meticulously rearranging the chairs. Sam, now Grandmaester, brings in a book called a Song of Ice and Fire, very Hobbit of him, setting it in front of Tyrion. The rest of the small council files in, Bronn as Lord of Highgarden and Master of Coin, Davos as Master of Ships, and Brienne the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Bran is wheeled in just for a minute so we can hear they're missing a few officers and see Sir Podrick is in charge of pushing his chair around now, making an ambiguous comment about finding Drogon just before leaving the running of the kingdom to the council (please give me a sequel of just that!). The scene ends with Tyrion starting his famous jackass/brothel joke but we never get the punchline.

NORTH OF THE WALL

Jon arrives at the Wall, which has been repaired with wooden gates. Then the most well-done cutting of scenes together happens as we bounce between Arya getting ready for her journey west, Jon's arrival and subsequent leaving of the Wall, and Sansa's coronation as Queen of the North. We see Jon moving through the wildlings and finally, FINALLY, he pets Ghost. Arya's on a ship with a huge Stark wolf on the sails. Sansa is at Winterfell newly crowned. It all ends kind of how it started, with Jon on his horse walking north into the woods, wildlings on foot following him into the future. The scene evokes a sense of adventure unknown and reminds me of the first scenes from the pilot where we first saw the wights and Walkers in action but instead of death it's life moving through these woods now.

UPS AND DOWNS

So my main reason for breaking this all down was because I've been asked over and over what I thought of this episode. Many of you know I'm passionate about this show and even now that's it's over I'm sure I'll rewatch it many, many times again, season by season. In fact, this will probably be the first blog entry I have in "Watching Thrones Backwards; maybe it makes more sense this way?"

That being said I feel like this ending was really perfect for what they set out to do. A show based on a book series is always difficult, and Thrones lost access to the written word once the show moved past the books. I've read every single book and felt that more character development could've been done here in Seasons 7 and 8, both of which would've been better with more episodes. It felt rushed without those extra moments this story deserved but instead we got what we got. And what we got in the last episode was amazing for this series, beautifully produced, imagery leaps and bounds ahead of anything else on television, well-acted, even if not always well-written.

The biggest criticism I have was that the dive into Dani's madness was too abrupt, and such a huge deviation from her character. But her last words will haunt me for all of time. "We will break the wheel together." And they did. Jon's act was a sacrifice for both of them and gave rise to the new system of electing leaders.

Time was also my enemy in this episode, I know that it opens pretty soon after the last one because there's still fires burning but as we go through it I felt less and less certain where we were on the timeline. At the Dragonpit scene Robin Aryn was much taller, does that mean years have gone by or mere weeks? Years of Unsullied occupancy in King's Landing doesn't make sense to me but ok whatever. And at the end stuff was kind of fixed like in the Red Keep and at the wall so that must've been years certainly! But Sansa was just getting crowned so did they really wait all that time to do it? I guess I'll need to wait for GRRM to help me clear that up, hopefully in my lifetime.

My other problem was that everything was getting tied up with pretty little bows, basically going down the list and checking off all the weird bets people were making online. I could've easily told you Arya would head west of Westeros, Sam would name that book a Song of Ice and Fire, and that Tyrion would never finish his joke on screen. I say "was" though because I'd rather have all these things tied up neatly than a lot of wtf moments. We had enough of those watching this series, and this being the last episode it truly was "bittersweet" so seeing storylines get sewn shut was much nicer after I had time to really think about it all. I'm over a dozen times through this episode now and it's held up amazingly well to rewatch.

Even with all the negative criticism I absolutely loved this episode. Each scene in this final episode looked incredible, Jaime and Cersei dead in each other's arms, the dragon wings behind Dani at the Keep, Drogon melting the Throne, even Jon walking off into the woods at the end. Cinematically it was successful, thematically maybe a little less so. But it made sense in a way the Dexter or Lost finales never will. Dany succeeded in the end with breaking the wheel - Shakespearean tragedy at its finest, Tyrion is for all intents and purposes ruling as Hand, Arya stopped killing everyone, Sansa's a queen in her own right, Bran is probably warging into Drogon somewhere off screen flying about and Jon pet Ghost. Team Stark FTW I give it a solid 9 out of 10!

*Picture credits to HBO Game of Thrones*

[purgatoryandme]

Hey its thunderiron anon again and I am just utterly curious....if you were to write about this pairing how would you do it 🤗🤗 (also I'm now crazy about addition of bucky to this ship to after reading that ask and your answer to it)(winteriron and thunderiron are my top otps why didn't I think of 3 of them together b4 this🤔🙄) anyways if you would have a crack at it(Thortony) how will it go.

I’d probably do ThunderIron with a post-Ragnarok Thor and an older more mature Tony having difficulty relating to the people around them and naturally turning to each other for companionship. Both of them have been responsible for the lives and wellbeing of thousands of people, have failed those people, and have struggled to be better as a consequence of that. The struggles of a king aren’t exactly relatable for most folks. Thor’s probably the more trusting of the two of them, so he’d make the approach. All of his gestures would just be these quiet requests for comfort, for acknowledgement, for friendship - like the scene of them meeting again in IM, Thor is a social guy who gets lonely easily. Tony’s ultimately a giver and wouldn’t be able to resist the opportunity to spoil someone - that’s how Tony practices self-care. Thor wants company and contact so badly.They always find themselves talking at night, drifting through the halls alone and wondering what they could have done better. Tony is usually angry when confronted with his anxieties, but he just can’t snap back at Thor, not when he’s got this whole…gentle giant thing going on. The fact that Thor respects him also makes him reluctant to be rude - respect is in such short supply for Tony these days. So instead he turns to talking in riddles and metaphor. Thor meets him line for line. They begin discussing philosophy when really what they are discussing is both of their struggles. They talk about literature when they are really trying to see if they’re both ok. They poke fun at themselves and their families and their old pains. They drink and watch the stars and murmur about their most epic adventures, trying to pretend it doesn’t make them sad. And then they find that huh, it actually doesn’t make them sad anymore. Because Thor’s old war stories bring a sparkle to Tony’s eyes. Tony’s party day tales make Thor laugh like he used to. They don’t need to be ashamed about the past around each other. And when they are anyway, they’re there for each other to build a better future. At this point, because I love Extremis Tony, I’d probably pull some grand symbolic stunt of Tony repeating his and Thor’s first meeting in the MCU - the suit being charged by Thor attacking him. Tony would be all, “Charge me up, Big Guy.” and it’s dangerous, it’s stupid, but Thor has seen the way the little sparks from his skin just sink right into Tony and make him glow. So he goes for it. And Tony is incandescent - lightning in human form. Without even thinking about it, Thor kisses him and they short out every single circuit in a five mile radius. Basically it’d be an old souls romance with making each other feel young again, but also “damn it all we need to take command of large numbers of people and the responsibility sucks, BUT it also looks REALLY GOOD on you”. Including Bucky would be such a shakeup because Bucky isn’t the leader type. He’s a huge caretaker and I have no idea how he’d handle two sad kings who are also big caretaker types without just up and murdering them. I could see some kind of platonic relationship forming with Thor because honestly idk if Bucky, loyalty incarnate, could handle two romantic relationships AND take care of himself at the same time. So maybe Thor and Tony fall in love, however the pressures of world crisis after world crisis keep them too busy to see each the way they want to and so they both resign themselves to sadness. Bucky’s having a hard time connecting to everyone on the Old Avengers team besides Steve, who has so many people caring for him these days that Bucky doesn’t really know what to do with himself. And one day he comes across the two most elusive Avengers, the two busiest ones who are never around, slow dancing to some classical waltz. Tony’s arms are wrapped around Thor, gently lowering his head into Tony’s neck in a surprisingly protective gesture, and one of Thor’s hands is over Tony’s heart. As Bucky watches, Tony’s heart begins to glow, his skin showering sparks as Tony laughs softly. “I’ll be up all night if you keep that up, Thunder Struck.”Tony says, turning electric blue eyes on Thor’s hand. Said hand drifts up to cup Tony’s jaw, turning it away from Bucky as Thor steals a kiss. “Sleep is just another death, Anthony, and I don’t want tonight to die. I miss you as soon as the sun rises - let me have a little longer.” Thor tells him and oh, oh shit, wow Bucky never realized they were together. He also never realized how beautiful they were together. Or how…lonely. When Tony leaves the next day, Bucky finds himself naturally drifting into Thor’s space and requesting his help with various tasks for the day. Then he finds himself checking that Thor is eating enough. And then he finds himself asking for book recommendations. When Thor leaves, a quizzical sort of smile on his face, Tony comes back and Bucky does the same thing. Tony is tiny and difficult to care for. It makes him feel…more like himself, really. Tony is easy to talk to. He wants to make Tony smile like Thor does.He keeps switching off between the two of them, carrying messages back and forth, and finally starts quietly threatening everyone keeping them as busy as they are. He chases off the other Avengers when they try to infringe on Tony and Thor’s private time. Then, to his utter bewilderment, he’s included in that private time. Then Thor’s hand, his other hand clutched in Tony’s to ground it, presses into Bucky’s. Tony is pressing a kiss to his neck with the slightest hint of teeth, making him shudder, and Thor brushes their entwined hands against Tony’s chest, sparking that beautiful glow Bucky has obsessed over for months. “He wants you, Soldier.”Thor says cheekily, glancing between Bucky and Tony under his thick lashes. Bucky is just…wow…he’s dying a little bit? Because he felt terrible about wanting Tony when he was such good friends with Thor, but Thor was looking very interested in what Tony was doing, and what Tony was doing was sucking a love bite into Bucky’s neck. Bucky squeaks out an, “Oh God yes.”Before finding himself in an incredibly hot threesome. 

[ghostbustermelanieking]

miraculous

part of the half-light universe. (set mid-chapter 15 technically?)

i know i said i’d never write any more in this universe once upon a time. i lied. this is an experimental thing from a document of snippets i’ve been writing in this universe. i may never fully leave it lol.

It feels too familiar.

The hospital is better than the ramshackle room in Georgia, more comfortable, but she keeps forgetting. The faces of the doctor, the nurse keep blurring into the faces of strangers, come for her baby. Monica Reyes’s voice blends with the doctor as she is encouraged to push. Mulder is there, which is different, and that is probably the only comfort in the moment. He holds her hand, whispers softly to her and brushes damp hair off of her forehead, and keeps her grounded to earth. To reality. “It's okay, Scully,” he's saying over and over again. “It's okay, I promise, we're going to be parents. You can do this.” She cries out with another contraction, crushing Mulder's hand, and he presses a kiss to the top of her head.

When it's over, she knows. More sure than she was before. She hears the earsplitting cry, and she just knows. The doctor holds him up and it's him. Her son.

“William,” she whispers, and she's reaching for him unconsciously. The doctor hands him to her and she's overwhelmed, she's shaking. She's crying and tucking the blankets tighter around his tiny body. “Oh, baby,” she whispers. “It's okay. I'm here. I'm not letting go.”

Mulder's crying, too. He keeps one arm wrapped around Scully and reaches down to cup William's head in his hand. William is crying, arms waving, and he looks exactly the same, eyes wide and blue. Scully sniffles, stroking his forehead, running a finger down the bridge of his nose. “I missed you,” she whispers, voice breaking.

If the nurse thinks this is a strange thing for a mother to say to her newborn, she doesn't comment. She shows Mulder how to cut the umbilical cord before scooping William up to clean him up. Scully immediately misses his presence. She turns towards Mulder, pressing her forehead into his upper arm, and whispers, “It's William, it's really William. We were right.” She feels rather than sees Mulder nodding, his hand stroking her hair gently. She wipes tears from her face and laughs a little. Mulder loops an arm around her shoulders and she presses her face into his side. This world is full of second chances, and this is the ultimate one. They cannot fail their son again. “We can't let him go,” she says into the scrubs they made Mulder wear over his clothes. “Mulder, we can't… we have to protect him…”

“Of course,” he whispers, his voice shaking. “I'm not leaving you guys this time. We're going to be a family, Scully, I swear.”

A family, she thinks, balling a hand in the gauzy blue material. Good.

It feels like an eternity before they bring William back, but it's a relief when they do. It washes over her all at once when they place him in her arms, pulls her out like the tide. Mulder's outside making phone calls; in the moment, it's just the two of them. She doesn't think about the last time she saw him: the way his face had screwed up when she handed him over to the social worker, his arms still reaching for her because he hated strangers, the way she'd almost followed them but stopped herself, collapsing against the door with sobs racking her body. She doesn't think about that. She holds her son close, watches him teeter on the edge of sleep, wrapped in a blue blanket. His hands get tangled in her hair where it's unraveled from its braid. She smiles down at him, a tear dripping off the edge of her nose. He's not a miracle here, but to her, he'll always be one.

“I still think he looks like Skinner,” Mulder says from beside her, brushing a hand over her shoulder as he sits beside her on the bed.

She sniffles, looking up at him with a look that’s probably horribly sappy and she doesn’t care at all, not one bit. “And I still think you're full of shit,” she says affectionately, scooting over so he can sit beside her.

“Scully!” He looks horrified. “Not in front of the baby!”

She rolls her eyes, but he's grinning at her so she grins back. She transfers William carefully to his waiting arms. Mulder cradles him gently, eyes full of deep wonder and love. The baby starts to fuss, arms waving desperately. “Hey now,” Mulder soothes, “none of that.” Scully hides her smile against his shoulder.

William fusses for a few minutes more before quieting down. Scully rests her chin on Mulder's shoulder so they can both watch him sleep. “You must be exhausted,” says Mulder softly.

“I am,” Scully murmurs. “But I'm so happy. I can't believe this, Mulder.”

“Me, either,” he whispers. “I can't believe he's here. I didn't… I didn't think it was possible.”

“Don't give up on a miracle. Remember?” She kisses her cheek and strokes William's forehead before leaning back into the pillows. God, she can't wait to go home. Their apartment, one they picked out on their own where they can raise their son and she won't have to see bloodstains on the walls or on the pillows.

“You must have an elephant’s memory, Scully. After 27 years, you remember all my best lines.” Mulder shifts to the chair next to the bed, eyes glued to the baby.

“Mmm. Just the sweet ones,” Scully mumbles, unraveling the remnants of her braid and curling into the bed, pulling the blankets around herself. She watches Mulder and William, her vision focusing in on them like a beacon. They are all she sees.

She doesn't remember falling asleep, but she wakes up sometime later with moonlight streaming into the room. William's asleep in a hospital bassinet next to the bed and Mulder's slumped in the hard chair on the other side. He looks like he's sleeping, too, but he raises his head when he hears her stirring and immediately smiles. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Scully shifts in bed, wincing at the pain that hasn't quite left yet. “How's he doing?”

“He's fine.” Mulder reaches over the space between the beds for her hand and she takes it. “I asked the nurses to leave him in here so we could keep an eye on him. He's been sleeping a lot.”

“Big day.” She stretches, craning her neck to get a good look at William.

Mulder squeezes her fingers. “The cavalry's coming in tomorrow morning,” he relays. “Or at least your side of the family; Mom mentioned flying down next week, after we're settled in.”

It's strange to think about all the family William had (they have) now, even after all these years. All the people he never would've gotten to meet who are here. In the other place, her mother was the only family to visit her in the hospital, Bill and Tara and Matthew flying up a few weeks later (after Mulder was already gone). Now there's a whole string of people who have survived, the family she'd lost. The family he'd lost. The family they got back. She's never been anything but grateful for that. “Sounds good,” she says.

She pulls at Mulder's hand until he's sitting on the bed beside her, his head on her shoulder. They watch William sleep.

---

Samantha and Melissa show up first, carpooling for the simple reason that they are living together until Samantha gets a college degree or feels safe living on her own. (“Whichever comes first,” she'd said to Scully over tea a few months ago.) Their sisters seemed to form something of a bond on the crazed trip to save them earlier in the year, and it’s simultaneously the strangest and best thing Scully ever could’ve imagined.

"It's convenient," Melissa cracks when they arrive, leaning down to kiss Scully’s cheek. "We only have to make one trip to both meet our new nephew."

“Fox told us it was a boy last night,” Samantha adds from the door. “I just want to apologize in advance for how crazy the Mulder genes are going to make this kid, Scully.”

“Hey!” Mulder protests.

Scully laughs, even though she almost feels like crying. These aunts that William never would've met, and they're here now. It feels a little miraculous. Too many miracles to count, now. “I kind of expected that.”

Melissa comes to her sister's side, leaning over the baby. “What're you going to call him?”

“Here, you want to hold him?” Scully shifts the baby into Melissa’s arms.

“William,” Mulder supplies.

Melissa snorts. “Yeah, like there's not already fifty William Scullys,” she says teasingly, rocking William a little, winking at Scully to show she isn’t serious. “Or is it William Mulder? There's one of those too, isn't there?”

“Unfortunately,” Samantha says dryly. “Maybe this one will turn out better.”

“It's William Scully,” clarifies Mulder. “It felt right.”

“And we're not calling him any variations on Bill,” Scully adds, reassuringly.

“Dad’ll like it for sure, Dana, but Billy is gonna be furious,” Melissa says, letting William grasp her finger. “He wanted to name his first boy William Scully III.”

“Funny,” Scully says lightly. “Tara told me she liked the name Matthew.”

Samantha studies the baby with a furrowed brow. “I think he looks like you,” she says to Mulder. “In all those old pictures Mom loves dragging out… she's going to be over the moon, you know.”

“Here, you want a turn?” Melissa passes William to Samantha. Samantha looks slightly terrified, but takes the baby carefully, like he might break. Melissa is staring at William's face with great concentration before announcing, “He definitely has your eyes, though, Day.”

“That's what I said,” Mulder agrees. “Her coloring, too.”

Samantha chews on her lower lip as she looks down at the baby. “He's adorable,” she says finally.

Scully laughs. “He is.”

She pets William's downy head for a moment before passing him back to Mulder. His tiny fingers curl and uncurl in the air as he whimpers; Mulder shushes him softly, rocking him back and forth. Samantha smiles a little, goes to tickle the bottom of the baby's feet.

Melissa comes over to sit by the bed. “Mom's elated, you know,” she says. “She's still so sad she missed out seeing Charlie’s son born; she's delighted to have two new grandkids in one year.”

Scully smiles waterily. She pushes back memories of her mother's face when she found out that William was gone, in the other place. Reminds herself that it isn't going to happen here. She can see Samantha tickling the baby, Mulder laughing. Melissa sitting beside her. The aunts William never would've known. She sniffles, wiping her eyes.

“Oh, Dana, what's wrong?” Melissa wraps an arm around her.

Scully shakes her head ruefully. “Hormones,” she sniffles into Melissa’s shoulder.

Melissa ruffles her hair playfully. “Crybaby.”

“Shut up,” Scully says, half laughing, slugging her shoulder in the shoulder. She can't remember the last time she was this happy.

---

They're allowed to go home the next day. Scully immediately retreats to the bedroom, mumbling something about hospital mattresses being hell and sleeping for ten years after she kisses William on the forehead. Mulder paces the apartment with the baby, holding him up to the windows and showing him the rooms. William blinks at the fish tank, waving his hands at the burbling water. “That one's a molly,” Mulder says, bouncing him a little. “And that's a goldfish, Will, look.” William stuffs his fist in his mouth, uninterested. Mulder’s amused at this. “Well, you'll have to listen to me someday, kid,” he tells the baby seriously. William gnaws on his fist, looking Mulder right in the face, a look of almost equal seriousness (well, in newborn standards) on his face. Mulder laughs and kisses the tip of his son’s nose.

William seems to be growing tired after a while, eyelids drooping and tiny yawns. Mulder goes into the bedroom, intending to put him in his crib, but between the sight of Scully curled on the bed, hair hanging in her face, and William's fist curled into his shirt, he finds himself unable to. He crawls onto the bed beside Scully, pillowing William on his chest.

As soon as the mattress dips under his weight, Scully rolls towards him, resting her head on his shoulder. “Are you sleeping?” Mulder whispers, adjusting William in place. He snuffles quietly but doesn't cry.

“Yes,” she mumbles, and he smirks. She presses her nose into his collarbone. “Missed you guys, though.”

“Mmm.” He kisses her temple. She keeps her eyes closed, forehead pressing into the side of his neck. He watches William slowly drift off to sleep, can feel his son's breaths against his chest, and he's overwhelmed with love. He's always regretted how little he got to be a father in the other place--how he was barely around for Scully's pregnancy, even after he was returned, how he missed the birth, how he left after only three days, three goddamn days, and William was gone when he got back. But he's here now, he's here, and he is never letting go. He loves this feeling too much to ever let go. He wants to live in this moment forever, wants to do this again. Wants to give William a little sibling someday, someone for him to grow up with. He strokes his son's downy hair with one hand, mumbles, “Let's have another,” against Scully's head.

She slugs him in the shoulder, muttering furiously, "You're hilarious. Talk to me in four years or so."

One corner of his mouth tugs up, and he leans down to kiss the top of Scully's head softly. "He's so perfect," he says. "We made this, Scully."

Scully opens her eyes, scoots a little closer to William and runs her fingers over his arm, whispering, “Hi.” William makes soft sounds that makes Mulder's heart swell; he turns to smile at Scully and she smiles back, a full-blown Scully grin that feels like looking straight into the sun. He leans forward and kisses her softly, their noses bumping together.

Scully smiles again, brushing hair off his face, before scooping William up and cradling him to her chest. “I'm going to put him down,” she says. “And then I'm going to go eat that casserole Mom said she stuck in the oven because I'm starving.”

Mulder laughs and kisses her again. “I'll go heat it up, okay?”

“Thank you.” Scully climbs off of the bed, crossing to the crib, and Mulder heads out into the kitchen. He's halfway convinced Maggie is a saint at this point, and her casserole feels like a confirmation. Just the sight of it makes his stomach growl like an angry werewolf. He sticks the tray in the oven and fixes Scully some tea. She pads out of the bedroom a few minutes later, hair wild around her shoulders and eyes sleepy, but they light up at the sight of the tea kettle. “I love you,” she says happily.

“William will be so relieved,” he teases and she rolls her eyes, still smiling.

They end up at the kitchen table, eating quietly. Mulder's already finished with his first piece and going for his second when he feels Scully's hand cover his. “Do you really want more kids?” she asks quietly. When he looks back at her, her face is largely neutral. She's waiting to see what he says.

“Yes,” he says. “I mean, someday, when Will's a little older… but I think it'll be good for him.” He swallows. “Being an only child isn't fun… no one to play with.” She smiles a little at that. He turns his hand up underneath hers. “What do you think?” he asks gently.

She's still smiling, just a little bit. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, contemplating. “I like the idea,” she says. “I mean, I might not be enthusiastic about doing this all over again right this moment… but yes. I do like the idea. But, Mulder… we don't have to plan this all out right now. It… it would be crazy to plan all this out right now.”

“I know,” he says quickly, brushing his fingers over her palm. “It's just… nice to think about. You know?”

She smiles wider, rubbing his hand with her thumb. “I do.”

They sit in silence for a moment, hands clasped across the table, until a piercing cry comes from the bedroom. Scully shakes her head ruefully. “And here comes the process to changing your mind, right?” she teases.

Mulder makes a face at her. “I got him, Scully,” he says, getting up from the table. “You stay here and eat. I'll bring him out if he's hungry.”

“Mmm, thanks.” She brushes a hand against his hip as he passes. “I'm so glad you're here,” she whispers, so low he almost misses it.

Don't worry, Scully, he thinks, entering the bedroom. I'm not going anywhere.

---

Three days later, Scully wakes up in the middle of the night to find Mulder's side of the bed empty. He wouldn’t leave, she reminds herself, propping up on one elbow. He probably just got up to use the bathroom or something. But that doesn’t soothe the tight knot in her stomach as she pictures Mulder walking away, white-knuckling a suitcase with tears on his cheeks and the taste of him still in her mouth, William wailing in the background. She swallows. She crawls across the bed a little further, and finds the crib empty, too, the blanket flat on the mattress. Panic seizes in her throat, and she tries not to scream. No, she thinks, the words building up in her throat and threatening to explode from her lips. No, no, no, no, no. She darts down the hall, on the verge of screaming their names, only to stop abruptly when she sees Mulder on the couch with William asleep on his chest. She stumbles, freezing in place, heart pounding so hard that she thinks Mulder must be able to hear it.

“Scully?” He sees her, eyes widening questioningly. “He was getting fussy and you haven't had a full night's sleep in days… I knew you had some milk pumped in the fridge… I fed him and he fell asleep, and…”

Scully takes a shaky breath, trembling in place, and waits for him to figure it out.

He seems to realize what she thought all at once. Three days. “I'm sorry,” he says quickly. “I’m so sorry, Scully, I thought…”

Scully blinks back tears, and she goes to sit on the couch, wrapping her arms tightly around them. It had always seemed like she'd had to trade Mulder for William and vice versa, even before someone tried to force her to make that choice. After Mulder was taken, she'd found out about William, and after he was born, Mulder had left. When she'd given William up, Mulder had returned shortly after. It had always seemed impossible, the idea that she could have them both at once. She'd felt like she'd have to choose sooner or later. She’d felt like one of them was going to have to leave.

Scully kisses her son's forehead, and turns her face against Mulder's shoulder. Her fingers curl into his shirt--because even though she knows he won’t leave, she feels as if she has to hold him here, just in case. “Don't do that again,” she whispers. “I thought… I just… don't do that again. Please. I thought you were gone. I thought I'd lost you both.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” he promises them both. He kisses the top of her head, scoots backwards so he's mostly lying down. William stays asleep, snuffles a little and curls tiny fingers around the collar of Mulder's t-shirt. Scully leans into his side, bringing her hand up to rest on William's back. Mulder pulls her closer, holding both of them at once. “I'm not going anywhere,” he repeats in a whisper.

---

It gets easier over time.

The nightmares stop. Scully is able to move William's crib out of their room and into his own room down the hall. She stops hovering over him constantly, is able to leave him with her parents or Melissa and Samantha for an evening. When he has his first birthday, she feels like she can breathe easily now, like the deadline is up. It's ridiculous to think that she'd lose him (give him up) at the same time she did in the other place, but she couldn't shake the feeling, no matter how many times she told herself she wouldn't, no matter what, never again. But it feels like letting out a held breath when William's birthday passes and he is still here and Mulder is still here. She feels like she can breathe again, can stop worrying.

Scully decides to keep the teaching position at Quantico she took on during the end of her pregnancy, at least on a part-time basis. Skinner arranges it so she can work with Monica and Mulder on the X-Files, at least part time. (Monica Reyes was reassigned to the X-Files after everything that happened in Oregon, and Mulder seemed to agree with the decision, suggesting that Scully use this as an excuse to take a step back for her and the baby. It’s worked pretty well so far: Monica’s enough of a believer to keep Mulder happy, sensible enough to keep them out of trouble most of the time, and Scully’s there to provide the skeptical voice of reason--her words--most of the time. Occasionally, Monica calls John Doggett for input. It works well, especially considering Monica’s budding relationship with Melissa.) Mulder and Scully have something of an agreement that she'll focus on work in the morgue and he'll keep from taking crazy risks in the field or running off by himself. They are both tired--not tired enough to stop, maybe, but tired enough to take a step back. Their son looms heavy in both their minds. “Whatever happens, I want us to get home to him,” Mulder says one night at the kitchen table, reaching across the table for her hand. “Both of us.” She squeezes it hard, nodding, tears burning at the back of her eyes.

It's not as hard as she expected, being parents and staying at the FBI. (Definitely easier than single motherhood, autopsies and muddled X-Files and the constant worry about her family.) She only teaches a couple of classes a week when he's still little, after her maternity leave ends, so she can take care of him for most of the day. They usually take him into Baltimore, to Melissa’s or her parents, when she has to teach, but sometimes Mulder will just take Will to the office with him when he's not on a case and can keep an eye on him. At one point, Scully comes down to the office to pick William up and finds Mulder pacing around the office taking on the phone about vampires, William in a sling on his chest. William is sucking on a pacifier contentedly, legs swinging in the air. “No, it should be two puncture wounds on the neck,” Mulder says impatiently, taking another lap around the desk. “Two. Did Agent Reyes not brief you?” He passes Scully and picks up William's little hand, waving it at her as he goes. She hides a smile behind her hand.

They've never actually gotten to be parents together, and it turns out that they are good at it. A little eccentric (Melissa’s words), maybe, but good. It's a little bit of a learning curve on Mulder's part, but that's to be expected. Scully's grateful for her previous experience as much as she is grateful that the threat of danger is gone. (Which isn't to say she doesn't tense, every now and then, when lights stream through the window. That she doesn't tighten her hold on William, or step a little closer to the crib. But it's like Mulder had told her again and again during her pregnancy: the aliens aren't coming back. It's over. She's prepared for the possibility that it's not, but in the moment, she allows herself to think that it is. That they're safe.) They're a team in raising their son as much as they are in the FBI, and it works beautifully. They are happy. This new life, being parents, feels like peace. It feels like home.