#i am awe every single day
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w h a t t h e f u c k
#hannah waddingham#I'm literally drooling#how the fuck is she real?!#i am awe every single day#i can't do this anymore hannah#imma need you to calm down#the most beautiful everything#haute living#emmys#pre emmy party#celebrating hannah waddingham#ted lasso
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welcome to daily slugplush, where i [@eeveekitti] post a picture of my slugpup plush every day
[i'm a minor btw!! don't interact if you're 18+ only!!]
more slugplushies... eventually
#daily slugplush#rw slugpup#we'll see if i actually manage to do this every single day i am historically awful at remembering things
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Traveling out of state to go visit my (now ex) gf and coming home with covid is such a double whammy.
#There has been more tragedy in my life these last 5 years than all other years put together#Literally the moment I turned 18 and entered college shit has gone awry#My first semester I went to a mental hospital#In my second year when I was 19 my dad died#And now my gf of almost 5 years and I have broken up#I really thought we were going to get married lmao#Ohhh and now I have covid in the last weeks of summer before I'm set to move back home with my mother#My mom wants me to move back home because she's concerned about me and I appreciate that but she's not a good person#But I don't have a choice and if I'm being completely honest she's probably right that me being in my own is not good for me at all#And I'm fully certain I am slipping back into a suicidal mindset#And this is petty but the weather has been awful every single day#And I am just not having a good time literally at all
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hello only other person on this website who likes the apoc players. what’s your top three fave scenarios of theirs?? 🎤 the world needs to know
@downton-not-downtown-smh hello I just wanted to say that this has been sitting in my inbox for months (😬) but I've been thinking about it The Whole Time. And I'm sorry I took so long to answer!! I've been battling my own personal lovecraftian horrors this summer and have finally emerged with a shred of sanity
1. A Residence at the Bay- I loooooove this scenario so much. This was my introduction to Jamesian horror and I fully intend to go down the M.R. James rabbit hole when I have some time. I actually listened to it before A Christmas Inheritance, which left me slightly confused by the end but didn't pose a huge problem (and made going back and listening to the first scenario all the more tragic). I'm very into the atmosphere of subtle but creeping dread that culminates in the realization that things are deeply wrong but you still have no fucking clue what actually happened. I think one of the players (Danaan?) said in an Instant San Loss episode that horror is at it's best when no explanation is offered, and that definitely rings true here. This probably also has my favorite batch of characters. The way McCuthcheon, Carraig-Muir, and Lady Bjalmier play off each other is so entertaining. The balance of truly disturbing moments, heartwrenching emotion, and insane humor is perfect (and really encapsulates why I'm so drawn to this podcast in the first place). Danaan is such a wonderful keeper, and I can't wait for An Uncommon Burial!!
2. Crimson Letters- This one is so zany and over the top, and has some of the moments that have made me laugh the hardest. It sports such an iconic cast of characters who would be standouts on their own but combine forces to become an infinitely entertaining force for chaos. The guest players gel super well with the main cast and the way it keeps dragging on and on very much has up late at a sleepover energy. I'm such a sucker for classic era cthulhu and this scenario is just very very solid. I have the keeper's handbook now so I'm excited to get to actually read through it! Really hoping I can run it for my game group one day. Abner Wick is a legendary NPC and Dom in general is very good at embodying a huge cast while still making them all feel fleshed out.
3. MTSK-37- Genuinely creeps me the fuck out!!! I listened to this before reading The Colour Out of Space so I was completely lost and had no idea what the threat was supposed to be. I'm actually very happy that's the way it worked out because I think the ultimate way to experience lovecraftian horror is to be thrown into the middle of it and just let it wash over you. The intra-party conflict is so delicious and the players did such a wonderful job at adapting these pre-made characters and making them their own.
Honorable mentions go to The Crack'd and Crook'd Manse (the one that started it all 🥺), The Moonchild (still trying to figure out exactly what happened aksjsks), and Unland (completely heartbreaking)
#the apocalypse players#genuinely every single scenario they've done is fantastic i could go on and on about all of them#i am simply in awe how this podcast has been so high calibur from day one!!!#i feel bad i dont have a joseph run scenario in my top three#his characters almost always really stick with me like they have such rich and complex inner lives#but i find his keeping style very like...esoteric and hard to digest?? which is a me problem im pretty sure#not that i dont enjoy his scenarios i REALLY DO but im usually very confused by the end#the vibes are always immaculate though
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there is nothing i despise more than two factor authentication i hate it with my whole heart and soul i want it gone i need it gone pleas........ i need 2 login to my icloud account on my pc because my phone is broken it doesnt even charge anymore but i cant because i need to confirm it's me on my fucking phone
#this also goes for my important emails#both my bank and one the one i used for work related things r tied to that phone number and it doesnt let me in unless i send a verificatio#EVERY. SINGLE . TIME#i want in#and my phone never charges#i cant even get it to turn on at all anymore it doesnt even shwowthe battery icon anymore it's so drained#can there not be literally anything else as a form of security#im fucking begging#i will kill myself right now i am so frustrated i was already having an awful day o(-<#i cant even sign into my steam account because it requires a code from my email and i cant get into my email bc it requires a mobile code
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Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.
it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages
While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.
The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.
#asks#Unfortunately I was an asshole on the internet once (not a vicious transphobe just a basic internet asshole)#I know exactly how these people function because I was there once...#When you don't take the person you're arguing with seriously it's very easy to laugh at every single thing they do#Which is what these guys are doing. It doesn't matter how well thought out the counter argument is. They don't care and they won't care#All you can hope for is that they're young and they grow out of it (I did)#I feel bad for them because I think about what led to me being like that decades ago. Are they going through the same thing?#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else#People arguing back just proved my point that everything sucked and my hate was justified#It's an awful feedback loop. People being kind to me felt disingenuous. Why should they be kind? I hated them. They had no reason to be nic#I had to get to a point where I was willing to help myself crawl out of that pit before I let anyone else even get near me emotionally#I still remember the day when I realized I was being a fucked up little shit to everyone lol#Early June 2011. It was sunny with no clouds and there was a cool breeze. I was listening to In This Moment and I realized#'What the hell am I doing? Do I want to be like this forever? Get your shit together man'#It was a slow process from there but I did get out of it. Slowly. Very slowly.#There's a lot I did that I regret and can't ever apologize for because it was so long ago and the names and faces are gone now#Apologizing at this point would be selfish and only for my benefit anyway. I can only hope that what I did didn't hurt people permanently#Anyway. I've never talked about this on here before because it's the kinda shit that gets put on callout posts out of context#So. I am laying my naked soul bare and raw for the sake of underlining my original point: Internet trolls don't care
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this is gonna sound incredibly virtue signal-y i fear but i have been feeling. so fiercely protective of all the transfems i've ever met lately
#marzi speaks#I PROMISE I'M NOT TRYING TO EARN GOOD BOY POINTS HOLD ON LET ME. EXPLAIN MYSELF HERE#obvs we're in kinda a tense political climate rn#and i'm noticing trends have been getting . increasingly misogynistic lately?#in like . a subtle but for sure still noticeable way#and women are being dismissed and all this awful shit#and ppl are going. completely mask off about it when the woman happens to be a trans gender#and it reminds me of when i was a little girl. and how my mom spent so much time in my childhood#training me to not stand for and take misogynistic bullshit from anyone. and to defend other women too#she taught me to assert myself in professional or academic environments. she taught me to stand proud and take up physical space#once as a kid my great uncle (who's always been a nut) didn't let me come on a fishing trip because i was a girl#when i came to my mom crying about it because i loved boats and fishing and my family she just about murdered him. completely tore into him#my whole life my mom has been there to tell me that people will try to put me down. they will try to overlook me or dismiss me#or make me feel smaller. and if i dare to get too confident i'll be labeled bossy or a bitch#and that no matter what i do i cannot let those pieces of shit win. i cannot let that stop me#and that i'd have to fight so fucking hard for it my whole life and it won't be fair but i will do it because i have no other option#and i'm seeing a lot of transfems having to navigate that now too#but they didn't get the privilege of being trained in this since day 1. they have to figure it out on their own#and the demonization right now is so strong that a single misstep can be. so dangerous#and it makes me so mad. all of that built up anger from every time i've had to learn how to not take misogynistic bullshit comes to a boil#the little girl scout in my brain who grew up forcing people to see that a girl can do whatever the fuck she wants fuck you is ACTIVE rn#she's angry. she's so angry. because she's seeing the same bullshit she dealt with in middle school being repeated again#anyways. transfems. i love you so much. you deserve so much fucking better.#i hope you can safely advocate for yourself. until then i will fucking yell and scream from the rooftops because this shit is so unfair#you should be allowed to succeed and you should be allowed to fail. and you should be allowed to take up as much goddamn space as you want#and wear whatever the hell you want. transfems i love you and i am so so angry on your behalf. modern feminism has failed you#and i am going to kill someone over it#remember to be loudly and unapologetically yourself as much as you safely can. do not let them crush your spirit
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Im trying so hard not to just bash on Lumity and Huntlow but TOH makes it so easy for me. Especially with Huntlow because they deadass didnt make it clear Willow liked Hunter in TTT and gave all of his important scenes to Luz.... they even made Hunter sit next to Luz during the carriage ride and only framed Luz's and Hunter's reactions to the Tale of The Brothers Wittebane...
... Like... its so easy... its so easy for me to rip into...
#whenever I have a problem with something I make sure to write out exactly why its bad#but... i am this close to just being like#''these two pairings are awful lol'' every single day. Especially because the writers equate happy endings with being in a relationship#i will legit never touch anything Dana makes ever again
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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extremely frustrating situation
#overly long winded explanation incoming#so i’m gonna be living with two friends starting this fall#my parents bought a little townhouse and we’re renting from them#so they’re getting all of the paperwork and contracts and leases figured out#and these two friends are just. awful with deadlines. horrific. just the worst.#my dad has been flexible but he’s had to keep nagging them again and again to get these forms signed and whatever#and one of them finally finished the whole process and she’s good to go#but the other one still just needs to get the lease signed/notarized with their dad. like. asap. like within a few days.#and i’m trying my best to be like heyyyy sorryyyy not trying to nag or anything but we do need that ASAP…. it should be quick and easy…#i know you’re working double shifts every single day and your dog just died im so sorry#but my parents say you should be able to just go to the bank during a lunch break to get it notarized…..#please don’t be mad at me or my parents for saying we need this Now…… i’m sorry i know you have a lot going on but we do Need that done#right away….#anyway i don’t want you to be mad at me or think i’m just nagging so here’s a topic change! oh you didn’t respond to the topic change.#fuck me then. god. i can’t tell if you’re mad at me or not but i have the suspicion you Are. and that’s making Me mad at You#like god man just come the fuck on already you’ve missed every other deadline up to this point too. can you please just FUCKING get#everything submitted so we can stop worrying about it and just get excited to live together!! because it’s gonna be fun!!#but it’s worrying me too bc like… if this is how they’re acting before we’re even living together#and they’re missing all of these deadlines#am i gonna have to nag them to pay their rent every month?#it’s just frustrating bc it feels like they’re taking advantage of the fact that it’s my parents and not some other landlord#so they don’t think the deadlines my parents set are like. actual deadlines#meanwhile if it WASNT my parents they’d literally be out of a place to live because the housing market is so fucked there#and if you don’t get everything submitted within The Day then you’re no longer a candidate to rent the place#if you can even get to that point in the first place#so like. my parents are being exceptionally flexible and obv i can’t really know what this friend’s thought process is#but it feels like they’re just kinda taking them for granted and taking advantage of their kindness#like fuck dude just please come on
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tw stupid vent in tags
#tw vent#why am i bad at EVERYTHING i like#EVERY SINGLE THING I LIKE. GAMES? AWFUL AT THEM. ART? NOT THAT GOOD AT IT. ENLGISH? SHIT AT IT. JAPANESE? NOT GOOD AT IT#i will never be good at anyhting huh#i guess some ppl were just meant to die without achieving anything#man i hate myself honestly im so fucking pathetic#yes yes im upset AGAIN bcuz of how useless i am i know#dude. dude who cant play NORMAL MODE games. NORMAL. ITS SO EASY FOR EVERYONE ITS PATHETIC#also also#not to be the “oh they didnt text back for 5 seconds they must hate me” type but i still think several ppl hate me#and ppl dont usually ignore me like this so maybe it sjust thieir lifes r makign them bsuy#OR they hate my guts#im assumign they hate my guts#i want to shoot myself lol#also if it#if it gets too bad in the next 2 or 3 days ^_^ i can actualy die..
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.
#maybe I’ll make a legit post about this but I’m afraid of posting#a nuanced discussion on the pissing on the poor website#but…. white leftists have been getting awful entitled to the votes of black and brown people#and honestly? no. I’m sick and tired of white leftists telling black and brown people that we owe our votes to Jo fucking Biden#‘if you don’t vote for Biden just say you hate trans people’ yeah? what about all the Palestinian queer trans people#like…. actually I- a QUEER WOMAN - do not ‘owe’ my vote to anyone#I am Levantine arab American … i actually do not ‘owe’ my vote to a man who is trying to eradicate my culture#black and brown people are being massacred in this country and overseas and our blood is on Joe Biden’s hands.#for us it ISNT a lesser of two evils situation.. they are both slaughtering us#and I’m not saying that trump is better but I’m saying that I’ve SEEN what is happening to my black and Hispanic students I’ve SEEN the#inflated police budgets. I’ve SEEN my clulture on the news every fucking day for eight months being genocide#a fucking genocide of my people isn’t something you ‘get over’ because Joe Biden is the lesser of two evils for white momen and white queers#and if I do vote for him in September- which i probably will - then great. fantastic. but there is not a single person of color in this#country who is entitled to give that man their vote#every time I see one of my friends say they aren’t voting for either of them I say good fucking riddens.#white leftists need to sit down on this one. if you want our votes in November then tell your president to do something about it.#but dunking on cardi b on Twitter for saying she won’t endorse Biden isn’t the own you think it is#((I made a typo and said September not November)
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oh so now the birds are eating the <25 cherries i've got growing on my tiny tree
literally everything i've planted in this fucking garden has either died on its own or has been killed by birds/bugs
#my garden is a microcosm of my whole life right now#my life has been on a downward spiral since last july and bestie i am starting to reach my fucking limit#defaulting to thinking ''i wish i were dead'' at every little inconvenience is BAD!!!! i know!!!! but it's true!!!#the mint from trader joe's was infested with aphids and i've been cleaning it off every day for 2 weeks and it's STILL got them#like... this plant is 1 foot tall with two little stalks and less than 30 leaves. it hasn't grown in the 2 months i've had it#the money plant still reeks of mold and has to live outside because of its smell and the fungus gnats#the golden sage just fuckin.... burned to death????? it turned gray and DIED#the one and only bean plant that sprouted just ejected the only 2 true leaves it bothered growing#the originally robust blackberry cane is withering. the other two did get better but started from the ground up. there's 1 blackberry total#the rosemary hasn't gotten any bigger in the 3 months i've had it#the scotch brooms don't look so good. the salvia haven't gotten any bigger in 3 months and the creeping phlox bleached and died#the thyme is doing okay and the culinary sage is hanging in there but i don't have high hopes#not a single fucking wildflower sprouted in the yard. i used 2 bags of seed+mulch that was supposed to cover 600sq ft (the yard is 400)#the mourning doves ate a bunch of the seeds and the rest never sprouted#there's a few puny sunflower sprouts but the cottontail came and ate some of those leaves#the cottontail also ate an entire stalk of the potted mystery flowers#the huge plant i moved in November... the one that surprisingly survived frost/freeze... can't handle the heat and is now dead#i just...#the job market is awful. the salaries are worse. the neighborhood is in the middle of nowhere and inhabited by paranoid cops#everyone has big dogs who go apeshit when they hear ppl walking#and the fences are short and the dogs are big so i'm scared to go walking because EVERY. DAY. on the nextdoor app are people#announcing that they found a dog wandering the neighborhood. or ppl saying ''omgggg my dog got out of the yard! have u seen it?''#spring was all wind/gusty and it battered the blackberries and sucked all the moisture out of the yard#so the 2 tons of compost that we rototilled into the dirt? it's just dust now. there's nothing living in that soil#and now summer is here and it's too hot and these plants don't have a chance#i hate everything
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sighing & sighing && sighing
#i feel so awful#also i think im having heart palpitations if im honest ive never been sure what they r but my chest is . feeling like sudden short beats an#like my chest is made of mesh and it's all shifting & squeezing for a split second each time#they jsut come n go n come n go#and i. feel so terrible#my body is such shit man i am such shit all over i have 0 redeemable qualities#my wisdom teeth r coming in and causing me agony every single day and theres nothing i can even do about it#because im not a real person#ive never been a real person#ive never actually existed ive never lived
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scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die
#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives#but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me#and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating#i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me#24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight#why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless#it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode#over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day#i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school#i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress#i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything#my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient#ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference#seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do#i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried)#i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine#if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it#idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed#i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal#idk what to do
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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