#i am in NO WAY invalidating the fact that they’ve gone through awful stuff but i’m focusing on women

[carebooks]

makes me kind of sad that no one’s made a proper multifemale edit of taylor’s who’s afraid of little old me? bc, okay look, the song is filled with so much female rage that when i see people using it for edits for male characters, and it’s male characters that i like or love don’t get me wrong, it’s like they’re not getting what the song is about. it feels weird seeing it paired to anything other than women and what we’ve struggled with.

[bigskydreaming]

Hi! I was reading a fanfic and it brought up Roy and Dick's fight, which I see a lot of in fics but never what they fought about and consequently why they don't talk. I thought it was a vague excuse/reason why Roy was Jason's friend not Dick's anymore but this fic brought up when Dick was batman so I was wondering if there was actually a fight between them? Btw I really enjoy your metas! They're v thought out and well articulated. Also it's v easy to separate what's your opinion and what's fact which is. Very helpful for me

Yeah this is one hundred percent a fanon thing that's kept deliberately vague to justify why Roy in his friendship with Jason seems to have no positive thoughts or concerns about Dick whatsoever. Now granted, Dick and Roy are not nearly as close in the New 52 as they were pre-Reboot. The lack of their friendship there is definitely one of the things I disliked most about the Reboot - and I actually don't care if Jason and Roy are friends tbh, its the total erasure of his history with Dick as if he can't be friends with both, that like, bugs most.

But so like, yeah, Roy and Dick aren't super close when they interact on the Titans in the New 52, but there's literally nothing in any of their interactions that explains the complete absence of him from Roy's life or a reason that Roy would like, hate him the way he tends to in a lot of Jason-centric fics.

When you factor in pre-Reboot stuff though, it starts to get a LOT more.....uh wyd? And this is why I have trouble buying that people just write Roy and Jason the way they do because its the only thing they know from recent comics. Like one, most fans talk about how they don't even read the source comics, so there's no reason their knowledge of the characters or events would be limited to just recent comics if they're going off wiki summaries and scans anyway. And second, most fans AREN'T limited in their knowledge to just recent comics.

Like, the second people start writing Roy and Jason and Kori but with their pre-52 characterizations and references to events from THAT timeline, it all gets very messy, the way they're like, completely antagonistic towards Dick a lot of the time. Because Roy and Dick were always solid. Yes, they fought. A lot. But they always, ALWAYS made up afterwards. They had conflict about Roy's drug addiction - it didn't stop Dick from being there to support him through rehab, or Dick being the first person Roy called to help him get Lian after he learned of her existence. Dick literally held Lian before Roy ever did? He's the one who first put her in Roy's arms for the first time.

(Which is the prime grudge I and most Dick Grayson fans have about Roy and Jason fics which make Jason like, the absolute apple of Lian's eye. If you want to expand Lian's circle of loved and trusted ones to include Jason as Roy's friend and thus her uncle, like go for it! But there's zero reason that should require invalidating and erasing the fact that Dick was this little girl's adored godfather and uncle for pretty much her entire life. And the way Dick is just shoved offstage from Lian's life entirely, to slot Jason into his place as though they're completely interchangeable, its like....THAT'S the kind of thing that gets people irey about how Jason 'steals' Dick's dynamics and character relationships.

Because there's nothing saying they both can't be major players in Roy and Lian's lives! But just that they're not interchangeable! You need to develop the specific role Jason plays there WITHOUT just overwriting everything Dick actually did in relation to the two of them pre-Flashpoint, which is what you're drawing from the second you write Lian, unless you're specifically going with the few appearances we've had of her within literally just the last year.

But I mean, when people just search and replace Dick Grayson in all Roy and Lian's pre-Reboot stories and act like Jason was the one doing all of that instead.....why wouldn't fans of the source material be annoyed by a character getting credit for interactions and things done for Lian and Roy that Jason literally NEVER DID, while at the EXACT SAME TIME, conjuring some mysterious, unnamed 'Falling Out' that Roy and Dick had, that was clearly all Dick's fault, and resulted from him being basically excised entirely from Roy and Lian's lives?

Same with Kori, for the record, and like despite being Dick's ex, she and Dick have NEVER been like, estranged? She and Dick have often been close even after their breakup. None of it makes any sense, and the fact that a lot of fans don't even try to make it make sense or justify it, and expect other fans to just be fine with settling for an inexplicable reversal of Dick's every actual dynamic with these characters while setting up Jason to occupy the exact same role Dick played in these other characters' lives, like.....lol. Its fun.)

Anyway, back to your question, like, there are fights you can go with pre-Reboot as the source of various conflicts between Dick and Roy - but again, I maintain its just as crucial that they're always written as getting past them. They have a very tempestuous relationship because they are the two people MOST likely to call each other on their shit, two of the two people WITH the most shit in common due to the parallels in their childhoods and the roles they've occupied in the Titans and the superhero community in general, and the two people most resistant to being called out on their shit by each other, lol. Mostly in that case because like, they do recognize that they have a lot in common and understand each other very well, so the second the other is calling them out for something, they're usually like "ugh, if HE'S saying this, its probably true and I am just not prepared yet to be wrong about this. I need more time being unjustifiably rawr about things." Its like that thing where they both look at each other doing something that feels familiar or calls back to their own reasons for doing something and they're like ugh I'm in this picture and I don't like it.

So they clash. A lot. But always with the implicit bedrock of like, there's nothing either of them can do or say to the other that will push the other away for good.

They fought over Roy replacing Dick as leader of the Titans when Dick's wedding fell apart, even though Roy actually didn't want to do it and was kinda pushed into it by the government, but again, Dick like, got over it and realized it was for the best and forgave Roy for it that very same issue. And on and on. It always went like that. So there's plenty of stuff that can be used or pointed at as a source of conflict between the two, but the part I'll always call unbelievable is the idea that they never make up after one of these fights. Why now? What fight, specifically, is so bad between them that despite everything else they've gone through AND gotten past, they can't get past this one? Y'know?

So yeah, that's my take on this. There is no definitive falling out between Dick and Roy as many fics like to point to in order to shove him offscreen and make room for Jason in Roy and Lian's lives, and personally, I just don't find it necessary and I actually think it makes Roy look REALLY bad. Because when you're not specifically detailing all the things that Dick has actually DONE for Roy, the lengths to which he's been there for his friend, and like, specifically invalidating each and every one of them as something that never happened in a particular fic, then literally anyone who reads that fic and has their own awareness of Dick and Roy's friendship is kiiiiiinda likely to be reading that and thinking wow what an ungrateful asshole, when Roy's just written as bitching about Dick with Jason and sandbagging him without any real explanation as to WHY, beyond just 'oh they had a fight years ago.'

(And coming up with some random awful thing that Dick did to justify Roy hating him now isn't like, a superior alternative, lmao, because again, its still just trashing one character for the sake of getting him out of the way of two other characters' friendship and people are going to think what they think about that).

Anyway, my now standard stock disclaimer that like, there doesn't actually need to be a canon fight obviously, for people to just write things this way and handwave that Dick and Roy had an epic falling out years ago and now they just hate one another or whatever, or just Roy hates him or vice versa. Obviously people are free to do what they want. They don't need a reason other than "I want to write it this way so Jason and Roy are friends and Jason doesn't have to 'share' him with Dick or have his friendship be overshadowed by their greater history together." That just happens to be a reason that no Dick Grayson fan is ever really going to be happy about, lol, for what should be perfectly obvious reasons, so it honestly shouldn't be surprising to people that fans of the source material often gripe about it.

Because yeah fanfic is a tremendous opportunity to transform the source material into something better, but if what's better for some fans actively takes away what was working perfectly well for other fans the original way, they're going to say that. Especially in a fandom where so many new fans take their view of the characters and their dynamics from fics rather than the source material - when fandom has that much of an influence on what new fans perceive to be 'canon,' fans are perfectly within their right to emphasize what is ACTUALLY canon and what isn't, so that new fans at least have the opportunity to determine for themselves what take they want to go with, instead of just accepting at face value that the nature of say, Dick and Roy's relationship is just that Roy hates Dick because of some mumble mumble ancient history vague mumble details not found mumble mumble fight.

[mor-beck-more-problems]

Cost of Living || Morgan & Erin

TIMING: Before Lydia’s death

PARTIES: @corpse--diem & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Morgan seeks comfort from a friend who understands a little about murder and revenge.

CONTAINS: two sad gays

Morgan had never bemoaned her inability to drink more. She had almost dropped the large bottle of bourbon she’d brought for Erin out of spite on the way over. But it stayed tight in her grip as she shambled to her friend’s apartment and knocked on the door. When it opened, she said nothing, but sank, almost as if falling, into Erin’s chest, hoping she’d catch her. “Everything...is going...to shit,” she said. Her words were muffled on account of being mumbled into Erin’s shirt, but the heavy weariness in her tone filled in whatever got lost. Morgan just managed to pull herself upright again. “I’m honestly not even sure how much to tell you because I am so fucking tired of losing friends right now. But, you know, hi. And uh—” She lifted the bourbon. “Congrats. Careful, she’s heavier than I make her look.”

There was a flurry of Morgan and leftover glitter trailing in from the hallway the moment Erin opened the door. “Hey there dollfa--oof,” she started to welcome her friend, and did her best to catch her with the one good arm she had and braced still healing ribs for impact. The collapsed hug took a little bit of her breath but from the exhaustion and disarray in Morgan’s voice, Erin knew it was more than worth it. She gave the woman a hard squeeze anyway, rubbing her arm, her own face riddled with empathy and understanding. “Honestly, there’s little that can surprise me anymore, so this is a safe space. Say as much of your peace as you need to.” A small smirk lifted the corner of her lips at Morgan’s offering. “That helps. A lot. Holy shit, you weren’t kidding about top shelf.” Benefits of dating a mysteriously wealthy woman, she supposed, remembering the car Deirdre bought Blanche and the apartment and dog she’d given Nic. Ushering her friend inside, she lamented the fact that she didn’t have any spare eyeballs or hearts or something for her friend to munch on for the first time since she’d given up the organ business. “Now. Please, sit down, tell me all about it,” she said, gesturing towards the couch as she grabbed a glass from the kitchen.

Morgan followed Erin’s urging and collapsed onto the couch, ragdoll style. “No one understands what I’m doing. Or--okay, Deirdre understands what I’m doing. There’s this tortured, maybe-evil vampire who sometimes understands what I’m doing. But everyone else I’ve brought into this, my friends--friend I asked over and over if they were sure and if they could handle it--either don’t want anything to do with it, or they’ve decided to take matters into their own hands and--” She scrubbed her eyes clean before the tears burning behind them could fall. “The person I thought was one of my closest friends tried to steal my exorcism ingredients. After they hatched a plan with the ghost I’m after. The ghost that killed me in the street. That murdered one of my students and endangered the rest of them. Oh, and get this! She’s my great-great grandmothers’s ex! Which means I was cursed from birth and then murdered over a shitty nineteenth century lesbian drama!” She slumped over, holding her head in her hands.”Listen,” she groaned, “Before I get too cozy with the rest of my bullshit, I need you to be very, very honest with me: are you going to want throw me out for wanting to wreck the ghost who destroyed me and my family over the past one hundred twenty whatever years? Because I can just go, if this is making you uncomfortable. It’s not like I can get drunk with you anyway.”

There wasn’t much to do but listen once Morgan started. Truly started. Collapsing at the door was only a small taste of what Morgan needed to spill out, like a pot of boiling water no longer able to contain its contents. Erin knew that feeling all too well. There was more than a few familiar pings that went off as she spoke, actually and most of them weren’t pleasant. “If you try to tell me you don’t know the answer to that, I actually will throw you out,” Erin said firmly, turning enough on the couch so Morgan had no other option than to face her. Her voice softened slightly. “Constance deserves what’s coming to her and you deserve to be the one to end it. But this—“ she gestured vaguely towards Morgan, “the fights, the lows, things going wrong, people dying and getting hurt. People won’t look at you the same and your relationships’ll change. That’s part of the Big Time Take Back My Life Revenge package. And it feels like shit.” She paused, reaching for her forearm gently.  “I support you no matter what, okay? But that’s part of this and something you have to accept and live with when it’s over.”

Morgan laughed through her tears. “Are you sure everything she did isn’t suddenly invalidated by her being a ghost or being young? Because some people seem to feel that way, and I didn’t realized that over a century’s worth of being magically ground up and spat out or being murdered was some kind of conditional thing, nevermind what average standards of adulthood were in the 1890’s, or life expectancy, or anything other than her stupid Little Coven on the Prairie face.” She dragged her hands through her hair, trying to brace herself for the worst. “I’m sorry,” she sighed. “I know you’ve...you’ve done something incredible and hard and awful and you are so much stronger and more free now, even if not everyone sees that. And I just want some of that control back. Even a little. I want the last word on how that ends. And I...I hate it so much but I don’t know how close I even can be with someone who won’t try to understand how important and personal this is. I just didn’t think it would be so much.” She finally looked at Erin again, searching her face for disapproval, for hesitation. “And then there’s the personal life stuff but I think we, uh, should have a round of you stuff first. The way you sound, I don’t guess it’s all been victory laps and roses since you killed Roy.”

Erin softened only slightly when Morgan brought up the ghost’s age. Being a ghost didn’t matter much to her - if they had conscious thought and free will, and knew better, then it was free game to right some wrongs. Right? Still, she felt herself paling at Morgan’s compliments. “Maybe. A part of me feels better but a part of me doesn’t either? I’m not trying to sound preachy but that’s all I’m trying to say. You gain and regain some things but you lose things too. Some of those things you can’t get back.” It wasn’t exactly the same as Morgan’s situation but the core of it, even in a general sense, was something that felt unfortunately familiar. Roy had destroyed her family just as much as Constance had Morgan’s. A tight-lipped, wry smile crossed her lips at Morgan’s question and she leaned forward to grab her drink again. She raised her brows and took a sip. “What do you mean? I’m thriving.” Another sip emptied the glass and the bourbon went burned smoothly down her throat. She poured herself some more, a little apologetic that Morgan couldn’t partake. Sounded like she needed a few glasses herself right now. “I got what I wanted,” she nodded, giving a dry laugh. “Roy’s dead, my friends are in literal pieces, my house and business are still half-ash, my boyfriend’s gone and my best friend just blocked me from her life. Hopefully that’s not a taste of what you might end up with. Learn from my mistakes?” She offered before knocking back another long sip.

Morgan watched Erin drink enviously. Sometimes she could go for a day or two without missing her life, but seeing Erin’s nerves unclench as the liquid sloshed down her throat, the way she slumped into the cushions, actually taking in the comfort of softness, reminded Morgan of how much she’d lost and how much everyone who pretended to get it or understand that things ‘sucked’ or were ‘unfair’ had no fucking clue. But she wasn’t circling the drain so hard that she couldn’t catch the exhaustion in Erin’s voice. “Literal pieces? You and Nic, Marley--what? Okay, first of all, whatever edgelord bullshit Marley is pulling right now is not your fault. If she’s going to push people away and turn into a toxic asshole, that’s her problem, not yours. I mean, I’m sorry it hurts, and it’s not fair and you don’t deserve it, but I don’t think it’s you, Erin.” Morgan grabbed one of the pillows on Erin’s couch and squIshed it over her stomach, digging her fingers in until it looked ready to burst. “I know it wasn’t perfect, nothing is perfect,” she said quietly. “But I do think it was right. And maybe if more people had been pushed into such an awful, desperate situation, they wouldn’t be so quick to decide they know best.” Morgan certainly didn’t trust anyone except for Deirdre with the true price of eradicating Constance. Miriam wouldn’t bat an eyelash,but their last talk had been so complicated, and she wanted Miriam to understand a life with as little violence as possible. It wouldn’t be fair to keep asking her to sink into the dark with her just because she was already there and deeper. Erin had killed in the name of her cause, and Roy was just as dangerously persistent as Constance. But the methodology of killing him hadn’t been important. Holding her secret even tighter than the pillow across her chest, Morgan lifted her gaze to meet Erin’s. “I don’t know what it’s worth to you, but I will not stop being your friend just because you decided your life was worth more than the law or other people’s comfort. I believe in what you did. I’m sorry it’s...that it’s hard.” She knew hard too. She looked at it every day she checked in with the exorcist, insisting she had a plan for the source and could do it herself. “Is there anything I can do…?” She asked quietly.

Erin couldn’t help the snorting laugh when the word “edgelord” popped up into the conversation, nor could she help the wave of despair that followed it. Marley was tough, had a flair for the dramatics, sure, but she had also been the closest thing Erin had to a best friend she’d had in a decade. And Nic - well, that one still felt too fresh and raw to poke at yet. But Morgan’s presence and words alone were a calming salve she needed more than she realized. “The accident really messed her up. Big time. I know it’s not okay, the way she’s handling this and the way she’s treating me for it. She signed up for this and she pushed me out of the way so I wouldn’t die. But I don’t know that I’d be handling it well either. I just--I have to give her some time, you know? She’ll come around.” Probably. She has to, she thought, circling the top of her glass with her index finger. And if she didn’t? Erin wasn’t ready to contemplate that just yet. Morgan’s next words hit harder than she was prepared for and only furthered to cement how deeply Morgan understood what she was going through right now. She was one of the few who truly could.

She glanced over, that familiar burn tingling behind her eyes and she reached for one of the hands that threatened to tear apart her throw pillow. “Hey, me too, okay?” she nodded, squeezing her cold fingers hard. “I promise you’re stuck with me.” It was a weird promise to make, and not one Erin often promised anyone, but the dedication and loyalty Morgan had shown her throughout this entire thing had been unparalleled and that was a rare thing to have in her life. She’d be an idiot to let that fall to the wayside. “Just sitting here and listening to be whine about my life is all a girl can really ask for.” The corner of her mouth lifted into a smile. “Whatever you need from me too, you know. You’ve got it.” She raised a brow, tilting her head. “And hey, get me an iron rod and some salt and I can punch some ghosts for you too. I’m not above punching a murderous ghost-brat if the situation calls for it.”

Morgan couldn’t fault Erin for standing by her friend, even if she thought everything would be much simpler with Marley Stryder left in the dust. She was a person, complicated and pitiful and capable of more than just harm. But she was also a person who complicated Morgan’s life considerably, and had now hurt three people Morgan cared for. She gave Erin a squeeze and said, “If you say so. I hope she comes through, for your sake.” Morgan didn’t feel convinced for a minute, but Erin deserved a better friend than that. Injury or not, Marley could afford to at least be more communicative about the shit she was grappling with.

Morgan smiled at Erin’s reassurance and swallowed back the urge to cry again. “That means a lot, you know. I’m...stars, I’m just so tired of this. And of people not understanding. If I can just get it over with…” Even with the human cost, she could finally be free of everything. “And the last thing I want is for you to end up as part of Constance’s next body count. She’s not afraid to murder to get to me, and I have enough blood on my hands. But maybe next time we go out I’ll give you some iron knuckles or a big ol’l thing of salt to hang onto.” She snorted through her tears. “At least after all these years I have a salt pistol now. It’s kind of cool until you remember it’s only good for one thing.” She wiped her face and leaned into her friend’s shoulder. “But there is...I don’t know if you can do anything, is the thing, but maybe you might know someone after the whole...Roy mess. But the guy Felix left in charge of my decap isn’t so great with the timely deliveries. Smaller loads, and tighter timelines, like down to the wire. And you’ve never seen me how...the way I get sometimes. If you can give me a name, some other hookup or back up avenue I can look into so I don’t lose my fucking mind on top of anything else, that would be pretty swell, not gonna lie.”

Erin had a feeling Morgan wouldn’t quite understand her attachment or commitment to Marley. She hadn’t seen the side of Marley that remained on her side through the entire Roy ordeal, who’d thrown herself in the line of fire when Erin had been dangerously close to meeting her maker. It wasn’t something she could explain either. Whether she liked it or not, Marley was too important and too close to her now to toss aside. “One can only hope with her,” she teased gently.

“Oh, Morgan,” she chuckled a little, holding her friend close when she began to dissolve into a mess of tears, trying to fight back the ones Morgan’s words were slowly edging out of her.  God, she didn’t want to cry. She was so tired of crying and moping around this apartment, moving from her bed to the couch and back, even if that’s all her body was telling her she was capable of lately. “A salt pistol? Have you ever used it?” She smirked, raising a brow. “I could totally go for those iron knuckles though, if you get a chance. It could be multipurpose. Ghosts aren’t the only things that need punching,” she laughed, but only for a moment, Morgan’s next question slowly dawning on her like a slow dread building. Morgan had mentioned her medication before, and that Felix had been her prior hookup. And now she needed a new hookup. Her request wasn’t an unreasonable one, and if there was anything Erin could do to ease even a little bit of Morgan’s plight, she’d jump at it. But diving back into that mess? Reaching out to contacts she thought she’d never have to speak to again? She tensed unintentionally, straightening her back, but tried to relax again and rested her cheek on top of Morgan’s head. “Yeah. Sure. I can’t make any promises. I know I was in that world and I know a few people I can contact but if that’s what you need, then I’ll see what I can do.” She glanced down for a moment, straining to pull a smile onto her face, reaching down to lightly tap Morgan’s nose with her index finger. “And if it means one less thing you’ve gotta worry about dollface, I’ll be glad to.”

“I’ve fired it a couple times, actually,” Morgan sniffled, managing a small grin. “I actually got Constance in the head with one once. It was pretty great in the moment.” In the fallout, not so much, but she was trying to make herself feel better, not worse. “A couple other times too. In uh, in a car chase, actually. I didn’t get her, but maybe you’d be proud of me, leaning out the window like I was in a movie. And I wasn’t even on mobster brains or anything.” Her smile flickered wider for a moment and she gave Erin a squeeze to the extent of, I’m okay, I’ll be okay.

She was still touching her when Erin tensed. “I didn’t know who else to ask,” she said. “I just need a name, a jumping off point. And I can pay. If that’s a question with anyone you talk to. Deirdre covers me and you know she’s good for it, and I’ll take...fuck, I take whatever the price is. I don’t want to be gouged by some asshole, but I need to be myself or none of this is worth anything.” She caught Erin’s finger and hooked it around her own, as she made a soft, wet laugh. “Thanks, dollface,” she whispered. “I can come with, if you want some back up. I think I made quite an impression that one time. And you know I’m a lot tougher than I look, even if I am kind of a crybaby.” With Erin’s assurances, Morgan deflated with relief and finally stretched out, feet on the coffee table. “So what’s this about Nic, and the other stuff? Was that...part of the things you lost because of what you did for yourself?” She gave her a little nudge and lowered her voice. “We don’t have to talk about it, but you don’t have to be tough gal, shit together Erin all the time with me either.”

It wasn’t funny, but it really was and Erin let out an abrupt laugh at the image of Morgan running around with a salt pistol, hanging out of car windows and shooting ghosts in the head like some tiny badass, peppy zombie with a mission. “I’m sorr--no, actually, I’m not sorry. That’s amazing,” she managed between hard giggles shaking her shoulders. “Why do I never get to see you do any of this badass stuff? How is this fair?” She shook her head, letting out a long breath as she relaxed a little further into the couch. “Promise you’ll teach me how to use one of those things one day?”

Erin could hear the hint of desperation in Morgan’s voice and knew this wasn’t something she was asking lightly. Asking your reluctant friend to reach into shady contact rolodex for illegal supernatural drugs wasn’t usually high on anyone’s list. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. But If I need your assist, you better come packing heat, you hear?” She teased slightly, trying to hide the dread building. She wasn’t looking forward to stepping back into that world but there were a few people she could reach to who didn’t want her dead for what she accomplished with Roy. For all Morgan had done for her, this was the last she could do. She squeezed Morgan’s hand, relieved at possibly settling some of Morgan’s nerves. Without thinking, Erin shifted only to grab her drink again and settled back against Morgan and the couch. Fiddled with it between her hands anxiously. “I don’t know--” she shook her head as she struggled to put it to words. “Getting here took everything I had. My home, my work. Did a number on my relationships too. Living with everything I had to do just--I thought I was ready for it, and I forced myself to be, but actually living with it makes me feel like I didn’t win anything at all.” Felt weird to say that outloud. Morgan was the first person she’d been able to open up so honestly about where she landed with the fall out and god did it feel good to know that she’d heard. Really heard. “The Nic thing--it’s unrelated to everything. He had to go on some hunter mission… thing, and didn’t know when, or even if he’d be back. And right now I can’t even think about leaving. I’m trying to rebuild, you know? The timing just--it sucks.” She took a deep, wavering breath when she felt the warmth of tears pushing forward down her cheeks and smothered them with a long swig of bourbon. “It really, really fucking sucks.”

“I guess you don’t hang out with me enough,” Morgan teased. “But I guess I could show you a thing or two. Not sure how helpful a salt round would be since your eyeballs aren’t dead enough to see ghosts, but we’ll have a good time. Probably wouldn’t hurt, knowing how to pop off a few rounds in a pinch. I don’t think White Crest has shooting ranges in every corner of town like they do in Texas, but there’s gotta be something in a place with this many hunters. If you want a badass date, you just have to say the word and I’m there, okay?”

Maybe that date would be soon, maybe it wouldn’t. There was an awful gravity to Erin’s words, like she was speaking from the bottom of a pit. And what she said, that she didn’t feel like anything had been won and therefore felt no satisfaction or relief or...anything that Morgan craved at the end of this bullshit tunnel. And it was so unfair, for Erin to lose someone she should have been able to lean on the most at a time like this. Morgan was glad Nic had gotten out of this cruel place, at least for a while, but the leaving itself made her wonder if White Crest really was more cursed than she’d ever been.

“Hey. You can rest now, Erin,” Morgan whispered, watching the gleam of tears build up behind her friend’s eyes. “Maybe it doesn’t feel good right now, but you can rest. It’s okay.” She went still, still watching, waiting to see if Erin would believe her. Then she said, “What’s going to make you feel like you can stop running, or hiding, or whatever else you’re trying to tell yourself? I’m good for more than just talking or fighting, you know.”

Erin smiled at the prospect. “You got it. It’s a date,” she promised. It’d be good to do something with Morgan that wasn’t backed by pure necessity for once. Whether it was someone owing someone a favor or needing a shoulder to cry on. It wasn’t often she had the opportunity anymore to simply enjoy herself with her friends. Had all the time in the world now for that, didn’t she?

Morgan’s words were soft and kind and didn’t help much in the way of keeping those tears behind her eyes. Her question was a good one and it gave Erin pause as she wondered it herself. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly, shaking her head, clutching the glass tightly in her hands. It felt like she’d been running and fighting for so long now, she almost didn’t know how to stop. How to make the cogs and wheels in her head run at half speed or allow her mind and body the break they so desperately needed. “I’m still so… angry. And unsatisfied.” And lost. A large part of her never truly believed she was making it out of that whole thing alive.

Her eyes jumped up to Morgan’s suddenly. “God, this sounds terrible doesn’t it? We literally just talked about how we’re both going through this, and here I am making the endgame look pitiful and hopeless.” She rubbed her eyes, letting her fingers run down the side of her face as she took a deep breath. “It can’t feel like this forever though, you know? It’ll get better. I’m really leaning into this idea that destroying everything so you can rebuild, properly rebuild your life, will make it worth it. Because it has to be. And that’s all I can do at this point.”

Morgan nodded through a tight smile. “It’s okay. I’d rather you be honest than lie to make me feel better,” she said. And it would be different for her, right? She hadn’t lost her home like Erin had, but she had her zombie body and she had her mother’s box of trauma sitting in the closet. She hadn’t thought to dump any of it at the feet of her mother’s ghost, and it was too late now. That door was as likely to open again as Morgan’s magic. She had lost more than plenty and she had everything to win by seeing this through. Even with a little blood on her hands-- Morgan had come too far to make this stop, right? She would get to after and better and so would Erin. They just needed the dust to settle for a fucking minute.

“And it will be,” she said, firmly enough that it would sound like she believed it already.

“But what about right now? In my experience, you can either dance it out or cry it out. Where, you know, cry doubles as screaming. What are you feeling like tonight, doll?”

It will be. Erin could only nod and placed a hand on top of Morgan’s. Maybe it would be different for Morgan, maybe she’d get the satisfaction of putting to rest a lifetime of atrocities and pain for good when Constance was finally gone. It was all Erin wanted for her. It was what she deserved, frankly. And if this was how she had to go about getting it, getting her hands a little dirty, she could support her just as much as Morgan had. “It will be,” she repeated, more confident, even if it was partially pure bravado.

Morgan’s question rolled around in her mind as she took a long, slow sip. What did she want to do right now? She wanted to drink. She looked at the still nearly full bottle. Check. More crying sounded terrible and yelling wasn’t really her thing if she could prevent it. But she understood what Morgan was asking of her. A smirk lit up her features and she downed the rest of her glass. “Wait here,” was the only thing she said before unfurling herself from Morgan and the couch, moving with a sudden fire under her feet. When she reappeared with a box of clinking dishware, there was a pep in her step and an old field hockey stick under her arms. “Grab that bottle?” She nodded towards the bourbon. Didn’t wait for Morgan before hightailing it for the front door and took to the stairs that led to the roof. “Did I ever tell you I used to play field hockey in high school?” She let the box fall gently to the ground once they made their way up and she took a breath, that mischievous grin still lighting up her face. “And my mom left me some of the ugliest China I’ve ever seen in my life.” She dug into the box, pulling out the first mug her fingers touched. She’d been holding onto them for sentimental value she supposed but now? They just seemed… heavy. Unnecessary. “What’s that one lady say?” She asked, eyeing the mug as she held the stick up, lining up a trajectory. “If it doesn’t bring you joy—“ she tossed it into the air, swung, and shattered it into a dozen pieces across the rooftop.

That actually did feel pretty damn good. She laughed, really laughed, letting out a loud holler of a cheer for herself. Offered the stick to Morgan and reached for the bottle. “You’ve gotta try this.”

It took Morgan a while to put the pieces together. Bourbon, made sense. Field hockey stick, ugly china? Less so. But, “Uuh...okay, sure!” Outside, the world was full of stars and the sweet glow of light pollution from the common, like a candle had been struck and nestled under invisible glass. It was so picturesque, like a Hallmark Card. You wouldn’t guess how many people died or lost their lives and souls. You wouldn’t guess just how thoroughly you could be buried under the worst bullshit. Morgan came out of her thoughts just in time to see Erin taking the china and swinging it to pieces. “Ho-ly shit!” Morgan gaped. This wasn’t quite either of the avenues she’d thought of, but she’d be lying to herself if she said she hadn’t fantasized about playing another round of ‘zombie smash’ in the middle of her un-life crisis. And Erin’s smile was bigger than Morgan had seen it in a long time. She held out a finger for pause. “Oh, dollface, you gotta see this first,” she said, laughing with pride. She took one of the fragile teacups, held it up as if for a magic demonstration, and crushed it between her hands. “Now you see it, now you--don’t!” She laughed again, pleased with herself, then took the field hockey stick from Erin. “I don’t know why I’m surprised you were a jock butch in school,” she said, twirling it like a baton. “Crazy to think we thought a little lunchroom drama was the end of the world, huh?” She tried to repeat Erin’s move of tossing the dish into the air and hitting it to pieces, but the plate fell to the floor before she could take a swing. “I was more of an academic decathlon kind of kid,” she winced. Nerds, at least back in their day, were not especially known for their coordination. She took another, set it on the floor. “But what about...this!” She gave it a good thwack across the roof, cheering for herself when it shattered on one of the pipes. “Fuck everythiiiiing!” She cupped her hands like a sports announcer calling a goal or a point or whatever the hell it was. Another swing, another crash. “Let’s go team!”

“Oh, okay. Now you’re just showing off.” Erin cocked her head and laughed harder, watching the teacup practically disintegrate in her fingers. “That’s goth-butch-jock, thank you very much,” she corrected. God. It was even wilder to think that everything she was experiencing--the supernatural half of it, at least--was going on around her even back then. Weird things happened in White Crest, that had always been known. But there was no way she could have known what those weird things were or that she was living smack dab in the middle of it all. How she had survived this long unawares truly had been a wonder. “Yeah, that sounds about right. You’ve got some pretty strong nerd vibes,” she laughed, clapping and cheering along when she smashed the next piece. Laughter and the sound of shattering, destruction and joy existing hand in hand, filling the night air. She grabbed another cup, running her fingers along the smooth china. Broken things could still be good. “You’re more capable than you give yourself credit for though, you know.” Erin motioned for Morgan to get ready again, positioning herself at an angle where the blast radius wouldn’t nail her in the forehead. “Alright, you’ve got this, Morgan. Just don’t take your eyes off the prize.” When Morgan was ready, she started counting slowly. “1… 2… 3!”

[macstarli]

I’ve been thinking about the revival some more (don’t know why I am doing this to myself...) and I think it’s really interesting that both act like the only major obstacle between them is odette. There is never really any mention made of the fact that Rory also has a significant other (even if she does keep meaning to break up with him...) or that she apprently feels free to sleep with other people like the wookie without it affecting either one of her relationships. 

It’s kind of fascinating because throughout the revival you can tell that Rory is the one pushing the whole ‘what happens in vegas...’ thing, whereas Logan keeps trying to push it just a little bit further towards being real. Right in the beginning he tells Rory ‘I wouldn’t do that to you’ when she asks if she’s gonna find other girls stuff (and I do think that it’s interesting that she asks about other girls, plural, because I think it’s one more way she’s trying to put distance between them. if Logan is cheating on his girlfriend in general and she’s just one of the many, it doesn’t mean anything (and I think it makes her feel less bad about being the other woman again, because it puts more blame on Logan and invalidates his relationship, so she’s not doing anything wrong because there’s nothing there to hurt) whereas if he’s faithful in general, but just makes an exception for her, their “thing” actually means something) and she response by reminding him about their vegas agreement. when she just says ‘vegas’ a bit later, you can actually hear him settling for it, because it’s what she wants, when he reafirms ‘yes, vegas...’. You can almost sense the regret he has from ever agreeing to that stupid rule, because it’s not what he wants at all. He wants to tell her that she means so much more him than they’re pretending, that he considers her someone who is an actual factor in his life and whose worthy of making an effort for, because she has a place in his life (and his aparment).

And I’m actually beginning to think that their last hurrah, wasn’t really meant to be just a last hurrah. It was his last push to say, hey, I know we’re more than we’re saying we are. When they talk in the club, he brings it up by saying ‘I should have told you about odette moving in’ and again he immediatly gets shut down by Rory’s answer ‘that wasn’t our agreement, you didn’t owe me anything’. But he doesn’t just leave it at that, he actually pushes a bit further saying ‘technically yes, but...’, trying to say that no matter what they had been saying, it was always more to him than that, that even if he didn’t technically owe her anything, he still wanted it to be more than that. And again she shuts him down a second time repeating ‘no strings’ from way back when and he caves. He tried, he really did, to have the conversation we all wanted them to have and she shut him down quite clearly, blocking his approach and signaling that it’s not something she wants to discuss. Which is so weird, because seconds later she asks him ‘are you really going to marry odette?’ like it’s gonna break her heart and I think he can see that, which is why he doesn’t say no or yes, just that it’s the dynastic plan (notice, not his plan), but he can’t really say anymore than that, because she literally just shot him down moments ago. He can’t tell her no, he doesn’t want to marry odette, he wants a life with her, because based on the agreement she just upheld again literally like a minute ago, he’s not supposed to do that. He tried and now the ball’s in her court and she doesn’t take it, even though she clearly wants to. Which is why I think that as heartbreaking as this scene is, it’s awful writing. Because while I get Logan’s mindset through out it, I really have no idea what makes Rory first double down on ‘what happens in vegas’ when clearly Logan is literally saying there’s more to it then that for him, only to then make a complete turn around and ask about odette like she’s expecting him to tell her, no, he doesn’t want that life and is so disapointed when he doesn’t do that as if he didn’t just try to do that ten seconds ago and she shut him down hard. Like seriously, what the fuck was that?

But it’s funny, because at the beginning of ep 3, Rory was trying to reach out a tiny little bit asking if she should come sooner only to realize that odette has moved in and suddenly it comes crashing down for her. Because I think as much as she was hiding behind ‘what happens in vegas...’ it didn’t really feel that way to her. It was a way of putting some artifical distance between them (i think to make her feel more in control), but nothing in their day to day interaction was based on it. She was clearly in the habit of randomly calling him to talk about things and I can imagine that he made a point of always making time to listen to her when she did, because he wanted to be the one being there for her. He probably loved that she let him be that person, giving him just a little bit of space in her life, even as she insisted that they didn’t mean anything to each other. So she probably never really felt like the other woman or like she was second to anything in his life because I’m guessing he made an effort to put her first as much as he could. And now Odettte’s moved in and they can’t pretend she doesn’t exist anymore. Rory can’t just crash at his place, using his computer and so on like she’s the only person in his life that has the right to do that. They actually have to start sneaking around like they’re doing something wrong and for the first time it’s hitting her that that’s really what they’ve been doing all along. It was just a whole lot easier with odette being all the way in france. 

And you can tell it’s killing Logan that he has to tell her about odette (which is why he doesn’t) and he tries to make it a non-thing, by just saying that he’ll book her a hotel room, because he’s not ready to let go, but he also doesn’t get a strong enough signal from Rory to push for more than what they’re doing right now. So he just tries to hold on to the little piece of her he still has even if probably already knows that odette moving is the end for them. And maybe a part of him was hoping that by forcing the issue, making things come to ahead, Rory would decide that she wanted more, that it would force the conversation he’s probably been wanting to have ever since they started their thing (which is why he’s telling her they’ll talk when she comes over in three weeks) , but of course Rory is just so flabergast by this development that it’s not gonna happen. And I do think that part of that is on Logan for not pushing a bit more, by just saying, come in three weeks like we planned and we’ll talk, like that’s what they’re going to be from now on, without adressing anything. Is she still gonna be staying in a hotel or is odette gonna be gone during that time? Even if odette is gone, Rory’s still gonna be moving around between all of her stuff and all of sudden it’s not just Logan’s place anymore, it’s odette’s as well. She’s also sleeping in that bed (which was always true, but probably easier to ignore without any reminders around), she also uses that kitchen, she’s tainted everything in that place and that must really suck because it also retroactively taints every memory in the aparment. And I bet there were a lot of good memories in there (we saw some of them) and she was probably used to hanging out in there alone, helping herself to anything in his fridge, using his computer and just generally feeling very much at home at his place (even when she tries to put some distance in there like when she asks about other girls stuff...). And now that’s all gone and she’s reminded that it was never her and Logan’s space. It was Logan’s and odette’s space and she was technically an intruder to that even if Logan certainly never felt like that. 

So now it’s real and when they talk again, she’s already upset about her fight with Lorelai, she hears her calling from the other room and now odette is an actually existing person, someone who has a voice and she’s right there with Logan and she cuts the cord and he let’s her, because I don’t think he knows what to do in that moment. He’s pushing her towards continung their relationship as is, telling her to talk to him and just ignore odette like they always have, except of course everything has changed. And you can tell how heartbroken Rory is when she tells him that they can’t even break-up, because they’re nothing. That this is what they come down to. Nothing. Even if she always insisted that’s what they were it still hurts her so much to realize that it’s actually true. And he doesn’t say anything, because what is there to say? The only possible thing is to tell her that he’s gonna break up with Odette and that has so many implications and consequences for their relationship and I really do think that that moment was not the right one for that particular conversation. Rory was absolutely not in the headspace for it, still feeling suckerpunched and reeling from the sudden re-evaluation of their relationship to this point and her fight with Lorelai. 

So I guess I give Logan a bit of a pass for not handling the ‘odette moved in’ conversation very well, because Rory never really reached out enough to give him a clear opening to ask for more or start having an actual conversation about their situation (on the contrary up to that point she had probably always shut down any attempts in that direction pretty consistently) and while I think there’s a possiblity that if odette hadn’t moved in and she had come over like she had considered, they might have moved towards that direction, they certainly weren’t there yet. And I think he planned on telling her when she came over, so when she called him and forced the issue he was probably just as blindsided as she was if only because I’m pretty sure he knew this was a face-to-face kind of conversation, not an over the phone one, but there was no way that was going to happen now and he just had absolutely no idea how to make this better in that moment, He probably knew they were doomed the moment she found over the phone, but still wanted to pretend there was a way to go on, because he didn’t want to loose her and certainly not like this. Her pronouncement that they were nothing must have hurt so much, because of course that’s not true. She still means the world to him and to have them end with so much bitterness and sadness and reducing everything they ever were (even they’re actual committed relationship in college) to this... Yeah, I’m so glad it didn’t end like that, even if the way they did end is still horrid writing, at least there was a lot of mutal respect there and an acknowledgment of everything they meant to each other and everything they were, even if it makes no fucking sense that they then don’t stay together, 

Okay, I’ve gotten so far off my original point by now, but I kinda feel like I gotta get back to it, which is that I think it’s kind of weird that in the end the revival treats odette (and therefore Logan for not breaking up with) like the obstacle between them rather than Rory’s insistance that they stick to their vegas agreement. Because while I can believe that the shock of odette moving in is enough for her to end their arrangment and break through her paper mache wall of trying to keep Logan in a box so it won’t hurt again (which I’m guessing is her reason, the revival never really made it clear...) to make her reach out in the club and ask if he’s really going to marry odette, it then makes no sense to have her revert back to her earlier stance earlier. Which I guess is kind of the point. Because I think the only reason that’s in there is because if Logan reaches out and she actually accepts it, they don’t get their full-circle crap. And if she reaches out and hasn’t just shut him down, there’s no way Logan’s not gonna drop everything and be with her so again, no full circle. So the only way to get both their full circle ending and both Rory and Logan saying goodbye full of longing for each other (rather than just saying one or both doesn’t love the other) is to throw in Rory’s vegas agreement as the insurmountable obstacle for Logan and odette as the insurmountable obstace for Rory. So basically they somehow wrote themselves into a corner in a planned out 4 episode show and in order to get their stupid full-circle thing they decided to bend everyone involved into bretzels. Well done! Because even if you’re okay with their starting points, that’s still some pretty shitty writing.