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#i am scared of closets now
jankwritten · 7 months
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yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit
i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.
i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.
this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them
#this is also because i grew up in a racist area and in that culture and my own ignorance i also Was Kinda Racist#but like in that way where you don't realize it's racism until you're out of it and now feel so ashamed that you forcefully block all#those memories just so you don't ever have to associate yourself with them ever again?#(mind you I was like. 15-16 and closeted and scared scared scared all the time so I acted like the Crowd and that was awful of me to do)#BUT NOW that i've grown and am learning and have taken classes on anthropology and all kinds of stuff I just feel like I notice my own shit#like TENFOLD now#it's my anxiety overthinking thing plus if anybody ever knows I could have done anything SLIGHTLY problematic the world will explode#plus my constant paranoia that someone is always watching me and just Knows that I'm Secretly a Bad Person (even though I don't think I am?#also I feel like I need to clarify that the kind of racism in my town wasn't like. klan shit. it was like very hidden racism?#it was like. kids casually doing black accents and making jokes with racist undertones. the kind of racism where race was always#the butt of the joke instead of an outright HATED thing. and I think that's why it was so hard to unlearn#it's like that thing where in order to stop wanting to kill yourself you have to stop joking about wanting to kill yourself#this has become a vent post accidentally i'm so sorry#this is just. one of my Major anxieties that engulfs me every day because of 1) anxiety 2) potential OCD 3) being a bad person in my past#this is another reason I fucking hate florida#because I just know if I had grown up in my home town in MI I would not have been raised in that environment#and it's my own fucking fault for falling into the crowd like that.#all this to say i traumatized myself and likely some people around me by being A Fucking Idiot when I was a kid#and now adult me is doing everything in their power to not ever be that person ever fucking again#tw vent post#tw racism#tw past racism#but im better now and I know my mistakes and I refuse to make them again#fuck florida for every fucking reason under the sun
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karda · 5 months
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my birthday is in 8 days and i am n nnotttt feeling it . at all.
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fridayyy-13th · 5 months
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so i’m having an afternoon.
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my mum got really upset at me and she wants to send send ne away to one of my aunts who lives in Texas
all this was because I didn’t want a piece of candy she was trying to give me and she took it as an insult
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semisentient-entity · 2 months
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it's a shitty night tonight and I am handling it horribly 😎
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meii-jasmine · 2 years
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New insta!
Hi guysss I have a new insta!
https://www.instagram.com/meii_jasmine/
Just lettin y’all know, I will reactivate my old account again but only as archive rather than an actual art account, and get it renamed so that this new account will have my default handle.
I’ll probably have it up as a photography and doodles account, make it look as normal as possible (lol)
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fuck me man i am not doing good
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soft-spooks · 2 years
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blushy emoji
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facelessfractal · 2 months
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. Nsfw vent in tag sorry
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arolesbianism · 3 months
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Vibrates. Normal. I'm normal. I'm so normal.
#rat rambles#oni posting#oh god oh fuck I just opened the steam page to wishlist it and guys guys guys there may or may not be a new dupe#either that or its just hinting at future customization options that include hair but idk#I have thoughts and ideas that are vague and based on very little but I am fucking loosing it yall#also the planet being another cold one is just the icing on the cake for me as the number one rime enjoyer#and new temperature mechanics sound fun and Im rly hoping that with the dlc cold will actually matter more#because from my time playing it being too cold basically only matters for food and water and is otherwise mostly a good thing#yeah your dupes will cry abt it but as far as I know it kind of cant kill them#so while part of why I like rime is that I find the cold to be a boon more than anything I hope ut becomes more of a legit problem here#anyways this is all to distract myself from the real thing thats making me tremble with both excitement and fear and thats lore#they have to add new lore and theyre going to and Im scared guys its happening#ok ok to keep distracting myself from that I love how everyone is characterized in the new short its delightful#again I absolutely adore jean being a grumpy old fart its my favorite thing#I also love liam being all like oh grandpa lets get you to bed aby jorge dgskhsjd#also was jorge breaking in with the story trait stuff or trying to shove it in a closet or smth? idk#anyways I think the idea of the dupes treating jorge like the colony grandpa is very funny old man dupe alert hes older than 2 weeks#honestly the combination of jorge and this potential new dupe has me thinking abt some stuff#cause like it is a bit odd how in game jorge is completely unique and the pod doesnt have the data for his blueprint#now its possible that some data was lost or smth but Im leaning towards there's other dupes who have blueprints and stuff but they were#removed from later pods to save space for more important data#or maybe there was some reason why certain dupes had to be discontinued because of the dupes themselves#I think itd make a lot of sense for there to be other dupe blueprints floating around too since presumably gravitas had access to the dna#of all of their employees and evidently even some non employees considering dupe quinn exists#so itd make some sense for there to be dupe blueprints for even more scientists that worked at gravitas#this also gives room for them to make dupes for any potential randos that currently exist in the oni logs like dr.holland#(dr.holland may be a dupe we already know but yknow he could also be made into a completely new guy if they so desired)#oh oh wait new critters and plants means that our plant and animal guys get to talk more yippee 🎉#oh maybe we'll even have confirmation of who they are through this#probably not but I can dream
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preciousbasketcasexx · 5 months
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Just. Venting cause idk where else to do that.
#this has genuinely been the hardest 24 hours of my whole life. im dealing with a massive depressive episode in which i destroyed my skin#broke all my nails off and stopped giving a shit#i slept in makeup and applied more overtop#cant be assed to do anythung for myself but im trying and pushing abd trying to make other people feel loved because there are so many good#things and people in my life. they deserve to feel loved abd appreciated abd im lucky to do so#yesterday i helped someone in my store and gave them love and care and helped them because it makes me happy to do so only to find out#theyre my dads new gf and they came in looking for me to tell them my dad misses me.m#its been five years of no contact with my dad for my own reasons and i feel absolutley fucking gutted and betrayed. i feel shaky and#anxious. my whole body hurts abd feels tight and tense and i feel fucking scared to be in my own store#how could anyone do that? go into my place of safety abd stalk me and hold onto me and gaslight me#oh you’ve been dating since december? my parents were married for 35 years. good for you. my whole fucking life changed because of a#selfish man and i am so fucking happy you’re enjoying my dad#he was my best fucking friend and now he means nothing to me because of his choice to disrespect me#i am nothing but collateral damage#how fucking dare she. i dont know how to cope with this but i am so scared and i just needed to write it out#if you made it this far and actually read all of this i am so sorry#what did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? supplies.
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jcbmcdrmtt · 10 months
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Sorry if I am not as good about tagging stuff for the foreseeable future. I shattered the screen of my tablet (to the point where there are chunks missing and glass dust coming off under your fingers and you can see the electronics under the screen), and I normally use that + a keyboard case to browse tumblr. I’m using my phone now which means a.) no physical keyboard, and b.) I don’t have as much battery life so my time is more limited. I do not see a point where I can replace the tablet or get it fixed anytime soon either.
All that coupled with the fact that I normally use tumblr in a browser, not the mobile app, means it’s a lot harder to tag things now, especially if I can’t just tap to apply OP’s/the reblogger’s tags because they didn’t add any or i don’t like what they used etc.. Tumblr mobile is honestly tiny and kind of crap on my phone browser - the keyboard makes the screen elements squish together and some things like tag rearranging are broken.
TL;DR: You may possibly see more untagged posts from me in the coming weeks. I apologize, understand if you unfollow, and just. Yeah. I guess I just wanted to explain myself as I normally pride myself on my tagging etiquette.
#i was so sad when it happened#it actually fell like 10 ft because I dropped it while going down the stairs#right in front of my sister and brother in law too#we all froze and they audibly gasped when i picked it up and the glass chips fell on the floor#i walked back to the kitchen to begin making my lunch and i could tell they were horrified because they just stood there in the doorway#in silence#they know how much i use/depend on/love my tablet i’m on it so much and i use it as my primary computing device#so they just stood there in horrified silence while i walked away and my BIL asked if i needed anything and i said no i’m good#and i sounded so normal???? which i hated because i was very much NOT okay like after they left i say in the living room petting their dog#and crying a bit#idk why my default response to situations like this is to pretend everything’s fine??#i know HOW i can do- being in the closet for a decade will make you a great actor#but i’ve been out for ANOTHER decade now#i thought i had worked past that instinct#apparently not#fuck that took forever to type on my tiny ass keyboard AND i lost 2% battery while i did it#fuck this#i don’t even need the tablet that badly i can fall back to my ancient laptop for most things#but now i have to sit in my room alone to do all my tumbling instead of introvert socializing on the couch with my sister and BIL#i think i cried mostly because life just keeps kicking me#i quit my awful awful job on the verge of a mental breakdown and then proceeded to take a full fucking year to realize the trauma from that#was WAY worse than i had originally thought and i was straight up mentally no longer able to work in IT/computer programming anymore#i lost my apartment and i literally would have been living in my car until that got repossessed too and then been homeless#if it wasn’t for my family offering me financial support and a place to live#and i am SO privileged to have a support network that is both willing and able to help me out like that#but sometimes i have a panic spiral when i think about the fact that i could have EASILY become another statistic#another person who became unhoused because of mental health struggles at the perfectly wrong time#without my family i would have been living in a bus stop enclosure by now#it terrifies me how close i came to that. a homeless person came up to me and asked for money the other day and i almost started crying#both because of how scared i was that that could have been (and still could eventually be) me
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dumbhero · 1 year
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when is the winter solstice i need to cut my hair
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gregmarriage · 1 year
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i’m sorry to all the hot girls who might invite me on dates to bars at some point. i’m on medication that means i can’t drink or i’ll get ill. also, i don’t like most alcohol anyways, except like wkd blue bc i’m not very sophisticated as to like wine unfortunately.
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How I am when I'm outraged
Story time (rant)
Weekly girls night consists of me, 2 childhood friends, my first uni friend of 6 years, and 2 newbies; 1 a fellow stoner, the other... Rotten! see my bloods boiling the adjectives I would use
Audacious, duplicious and TBD
She is vile but most things girls talk about are; other people, hygiene and pop culture, so one rarely sees how much someone is a cunning douche bag untill you encounter it first hand
This degenerate never wants to play our games at GN I'm talking 30 seconds, ultimate unicorns, donkey, atang sick fvcking games.
She keeps chatting scrabble let's play scrabble, finally she uses her birthday to force us to play scrabble she 26 like also...
*I get sick, she messages twice about wanting me to go I have been cooped up I thought an easy outing im wanted I feel good*
What I should mention my uni friend who wasn't attending this GN spoke of a brief warning, a warning that the insolent ☝ uses scrabble to say things?
Naturally, confused, I didnt think much of her counsel untill this barefaced beast makes me one of her victims; placing gay 3 times queer dildo. This her move :| this is what she does. to the innocent!!!
I want to cut her down! Picking her topic inviting her prey and pouncing. She's 26 I could send her home crying to her mother!!!! I want to destroy her. The audacity. She venomous toxic vile vicious and malicious.
Ooh how was she allowed to survive this long
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seresinhangmanjake · 3 months
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His
Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen x reader
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Summary: You used to be a Lady, a daughter of a Great House until Feyd took you. Since then, your sole purpose has been to warm his bed, but when Rabban asks about having you for himself, Feyd makes a choice that changes your future.
Words: 2600
Notes: Possessiveness. Grumpy Feyd. I know it's similar to another one of my fics, but I realized that after the fact, so...
Feyd-Rautha Masterlist
You didn’t sleep. Not a wink. You laid in his bed all night, waiting for the man who never came, and your heart didn’t cease its ferocious beats for a second. Where is he? Why isn’t he here? Is he ok? What happened? The sun rises without answers to those questions. 
You shoot up in bed when the door eases open. Expecting to find him, you’re disappointed to see instead his harpies enter one after the other. They don’t look at you. One goes about riffling through your dresses in the closet, one heads into the bathroom and you suddenly hear a rush of water filling the tub, and the last of them goes to the vanity Feyd brought in for you, lining up makeup and hair pins that she intends to use on you. 
The air about them is poised—an echo of who they used to be before they were turned into pets—as, for the moment, their vile, more carnivorous side lies dormant. 
Feyd only allows them to near you a couple hours after they’ve been fed; the peak time between their hunger sated and their bellies rumbling. At any other time, your uniquely foreign scent wafts to their nostrils and they are incapable of holding themselves back. More than a handful of instances—when they’ve managed to manipulate the guards to open their cages with their seductive smiles—they’ve gone on the hunt for you; one time in particular, sneaking into the bedroom in the middle of the night and yanking you from Feyd’s arms with the intention of sinking their teeth into your flesh. Feyd had been so furious he’d cut a finger from each of their hands. 
Still, they don’t scare you. You see in them women not entirely unlike yourself: owned, and therefore, changed. Soft are the women who have had the luxury of marriage and child-rearing in the comforts of wealth and beautiful homes—and good for them; how lovely to be soft—but it is the women who have not a choice in their existence that develop a steel shell. And you and the harpies have steel shells. In that way, they are your kin, and you try to subtly express that when you can, even though their allegiance to Feyd can make that quite difficult.
“Where is he?” you ask. 
They ignore you, continuing with their tasks, and you huff. Yes, sometimes they refuse to speak with you, and always it seems when you need their words most. In the past, you’ve been tempted to dangle your arm in front of their sharpened fangs in the hope that the offering will encourage their cooperation, but you’ve yet to find the bravery for that. Plus, Feyd would lose his mind. Well, he would lose the rest of it. 
“You’ve spoken to me before,” you continue. “Why not now?”
One of them stops and faces you. She glances at her sister who shakes her head. 
“Tell me,” you plead. 
“We are not permitted to speak with you on the matter,” the other says to your frustration. That is not good enough. Regardless of how he sees you and how you feel, he is the one thing keeping you alive on this lifeless planet and you refuse to go about your days worrying over his safety and what his disappearance means for your fate.
You throw the sheets off your legs and stand. 
“I don’t care,” you spit as your silky nightgown falls at your ankles, but then you reconsider your tone. The harpies do not do well with aggression. Being so animalistic, their instincts are easily drawn out, and they tend to attack when attacked, which is not a fight you would win. 
You take a calming breath, placing a hand over your heart. “We are the same. He owns us, he clothes us, he feeds us,” you remind them. “On this planet, I am as much your sister as you are each other’s. We all care about him in a way and if I knew what happened to him, I would have the decency to tell you.”
The harpy who drew your bath returns to the bedroom. Having overheard your words, she crosses her arms and says, “With respect, my Lady, we are not your sisters,” she says. “We have never had him the way you have, and he does not feel for us the way he does you.” 
Your clenched jaw loosens, lips parting. If you had assumed anything about the relationship between Feyd-Rautha and his harpies, it was that they had once been where you are; that when you came along, they lost their rank and became something alike the handmaids from your home world. You’d assumed that when they warmed his bed, their handmaids were the women who entertained him before them, and so on like a disgusting, perverted pattern. But if that is not the case, then your sense of identity is even more confused. Not to mention, nary a soul has referred to you as ‘Lady’ since you were taken from your family. So why show that respect now when Feyd practically stripped you of the title months ago? 
You look to the only one of the three who seems unsure of the situation. She’s biting her lip, worrying the fabric of your unworn gown between her fingers. 
“What about you?” you ask her and her head lifts to meet your eyes. She’s the smallest of them—pixie-esque, like you read in fairytale stories as a child—and despite the core of their primal nature, the gentlest. “You want to tell me.”
The harpy by your vanity hisses, but the gentle one does not shy away at the warning. “She has been kind to us,” she tells her sister in the most self-assured tone you’ve ever heard leave her mouth. 
The sister snaps back. “He instructed us to do one thing: get her ready for the day and act like nothing is wrong. It was not to tell her what happened.”
You lightly gasp. “So something has happened,” you state, feeling your heartbeat quicken. Your chest begins to rise and fall to match the rapid rate. “Is he ok?”
There are a few seconds of silent pause before Pixie stands a little straighter, setting her shoulders in a strong line. “Our Lord na-Baron was answering for the death of his brother.”
Your head jerks back. “Rabban?” you question, your brow pinching. “Rabban is dead?”
“Yes, my Lady.”
“And Feyd is the one who killed him?” That doesn’t make any sense. While Feyd has complained enough for you to know Rabban is a bumbling idiot, he eventually found a way for his brother to serve a purpose. Why would he kill a man when he is no longer the nuisance he once was, you wonder, so you ask, “Why?”
“The Lord Rabban…made suggestions,” Pixie tells you. One of the harpies groans as the other shakes her head.
“What suggestions?”
She bites down and swallows hard, then she says, “He suggested that the na-Baron share you for his own pleasure.”
Instantly, you’re hit with a wave of nausea. Share? Share you? The concept of a foreign woman hopping between men of status is not unusual, but at this point, you assumed if Feyd were going to participate in something like that, he would have sent you off already. Not doing so didn’t even surprise you. He’s too possessive. 
“You said he was answering for Rabban’s death,” you say, but answering for that surely wouldn’t have taken so many hours, not when the Baron saw Rabban as a waste of space. “So where is he now?”
He doesn’t notice when you step into the training room and you’re thankful for that. You came on a mission to extract more answers out of him, but you don’t mind having a second to admire him sparing against his trainer. 
He’s sweaty. You like him sweaty—sweaty and bare-chested and perfectly, effortlessly mesmerizing as aggressive grunts leave his lips. You silently watch their violent dance, your form mouse-like by the door until his trainer looks up and halts to stare at you. Feyd whips around to follow his line of sight, then he sighs and turns back to the smaller man. He mutters something as he grabs the rag at his belt and runs it down his face. 
The trainer leaves and Feyd places his knife back on the table among many others. “I told them to keep you away today,” he says dully, monotone, not meeting your eyes as he runs his finger over the blade and fiddles with the hilt. “Incompetent brats.” 
“You didn’t come to bed.”
“I was busy,” he responds without letting a beat pass. He continues to avoid your stare and mess with the knives as if he’s never wielded them before.
You slowly step down the stairs into the pit of the room. “Busy killing your brother?” you ask. The muscles in his back twitch and flex under pale skin as he grips the hilt harder. 
“That is none of your concern.” The distance between you lessens until you’re a foot from his back, but he doesn’t turn around. 
“Even though you killed him because of me?” you ask. His neck ticks and his head tilts and shifts to adjust to the tension. When he still doesn’t respond, you try another angle. “Why are your harpies referring to me as their ‘Lady’?”
That seems to do it. Feyd faces you, crosses his arms, and leans his lower back against the table. “You think spending one night without me gives you permission to be nosy?”
You don’t give in to his method of shutting you up by aiming to make you feel silly and guilty. Instead, your eyes narrow and you mirror the crossing of arms. “Why am I a Lady again?”   
“You just are.”  
“Are you sending me home?”
His eyes flash. Blue irises darken a shade. “Don’t be stupid.”
“So I’m a Lady on Giedi Prime?” you ask, dropping your chin to emphasize how ridiculous that sounds. 
The edge of Feyd’s jaw sharpens as he clenches his back teeth. “Stop asking questions.”
“Then answer one,” you say. 
It’s a shot taken by an untrained hand, as he doesn’t enjoy demands, especially not from you, but you figure you have nothing to lose in the attempt, so you don’t cower under his menacing glare. You wait. And much to your surprise, he surrenders. 
He blinks, and when his eyes open, they have softened ever so slightly. Then he says, “You’re marrying me,” and everything from your lungs to your limbs freezes in shock. 
“W–What?” you stutter. That makes less sense than Rabban’s sudden death. 
Feyd groans and stands straight, his arms falling at his sides. “See what being nosy gets you?” he snaps. “I wasn’t going to tell you immediately, and you had to go and ruin it.”
He grabs a fresh knife and stomps his way over to a dummy, ready to attack something other than you for the insecurity that he can’t completely contain. You’ve never witnessed him insecure, but you know the feeling when you see it—the defense mechanism, the distancing himself, the grumbly attitude. 
“I’m not sure I understand,” you press as he slashes and stabs at the soulless victim. “I’m marrying you because you killed your brother for wanting to fuck me?”
With a grunt, the dummy’s head severs from its torso and flies off in your direction. It rolls and rolls and stops just before hitting your feet. The dead eyes stare up at you in silent amusement. Now you’ve done it, they mock.
“I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again, do you understand me?” Feyd growls.
Your eyes shoot to his. “The marrying you part or The your brother fucking me part?”
He tosses the knife aside. It clatters against the ground as he closes in on you. His hand wraps around your neck. “Don't test me,” he grits out through clenched teeth. “I will sew your damn lips shut if I have to.”
An empty threat if you’ve ever heard one. He would never harm you, but even if he were going to try, his fingers would need to be squeezing much tighter.
You roll your eyes. “Well then how am I going to suck your cock?”
Something about the tease stuns him. His tense features immediately settle and his whole body eases with his exhale. Glancing at your lips, he licks his own, and you think he might decide to kiss you—after all, it’s been a good twenty-four hours since the last one—but he doesn’t.
You snort. “Didn’t think that one through, did you.”
Long fingers unwrap from around your neck. “You’re not funny,” he mumbles with an odd sense of shame.
“If you don’t find me entertaining, can you maybe take the time to explain all of this better?”   
Feyd considers keeping his mouth shut. You know him well enough to know that. However, it’s ridiculous to contemplate since he’s already spilled the bigger news. Nothing could be more shocking than you, after the bed-warming position you’ve held for months, becoming his wife. 
“My uncle was going to take you away from me for killing Rabban,” he finally says. “So I told him I've had plans to marry you for the alliance and that's why I refused to share you. Rabban wouldn’t take no for an answer, so he had to die.”
Raising a brow, you say, “The Baron accepted that explanation? My House may be one of the Greats, but we do not offer much for Giedi Prime.”
Feyd shrugs. “My uncle enjoys anything that causes upset. Marrying me means we will always own something very valuable to your family.”
It would likely offend another, but you don’t mind being owned. While the Baron may believe the Harkonnens as a whole will own you, you belong to Feyd and Feyd alone. He’ll never allow anyone to hurt you and now he’ll never have to fight or argue with anyone to stake his claim, which works for you just fine, to say the very least. 
“Thank you,” you say.
“For what?”
Your head tilts as you smile. “Caring enough to protect me.”
“Don't flatter yourself,” he says. “I didn't do it for you, I did it for my own benefit.”
Your sweet smile morphs into a smirk. “The benefit being that you get to keep me all to yourself…for the rest of your life.”
With a scoff, Feyd rolls his eyes and crosses his arms again. “Whatever.”
“Feyd…” you sigh, leaning into him.
“What?” he returns in his snarky tone as if he doesn’t want you near, but he doesn’t step out of the bubble of your space.
“I'm happy.”
A pink tinge sneaks onto his pale skin, and he quickly looks away. And before he has a chance to come up with some witty remark to smack you with, you grab his face and press your lips to his. 
You hold on to him until he starts to kiss you back, and then he's reaching for you, pulling you close, wrapping his arms around you, and you know you won't be going anywhere for a good long while.
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