#i am so fucking anxious about the fact that I'm not making money rn

[panpanpanini]

personal venting. stream of consciousness bad feelings

god i feel so fucking paralyzed rn. only a certain kind of slow-burn overwhelmed can haunt me like this and this is exactly it. maybe i'm a bit paranoid but i seem very prone to getting murphy's law'd and this feels like another instance of it....the planets were aligning to turbo-fuck me in these last few weeks or something

my year at this house is up and while i doubt i'm going to get kicked out suddenly or anything i have no idea where i'm going to go after this. thanks to the teeth stuff i'm no richer than i was before, the only option i see (if my pending job thing doesn't go through) is to go back to my parents' place and i really, really don't want to. i'm terrified of finding roommates because in my eyes it is not stable. i have no financial safety net so if shit falls through i'm SOL

on the topic of money, i'm not very well off again. as always. this is still the cause of the bulk of my stress. i lose sleep over financial instability.

additionally i caught something relatively recently so i'm also sick. i always get upset when i'm sick because it's annoying, rather like a runny nose that won't stop, so it's not helping my irritability

(i'm still extra salty too, so i've still not logged back into discord. i realize cutting myself off from socialization at a time like this is not a good idea but i don't want to put more fuel on the fire either)

one part of my taxes were filed with an error and now i have to jump through hoops to get the sizeable return that i'm owed which would really, really help my financial situation. i'm really annoyed because i paid someone else to file them and this should have been easy money for me. it's practically an extra paycheck that would bring me closer to pre-teeth issues balance, now i'm panicking a little that i either won't get it or i'm going to get hit with a penalty or something. fuck the us tax system btw

speaking of which, i have also not been particularly vigilant at my job and now that's biting me in the ass. i haven't been vigilant bc something always seems to get in the way, from subpar hardware to insufficient resources to just me feeling unable to reach out for things. when i get into any kind of trouble at work i panic like crazy and it's exacerbated by the fact that my fucking team doesn't feel like they're doing their own jobs. there's disorganization everywhere and i feel like i'm doing everything and i don't even know where to start - and not only do i not know where to start, my superiors don't know either. i provide my own resources for this kind of stuff because i'm supposed to be the expert and my inexperience in leadership (let alone remote leadership) and unwillingness to work beyond my 8 hours is making this extremely difficult. i realize at least two of these ingredients are my own fault and only i can fix them but christ on a stick i wish i didn't overreact so bad. i'm not going to get fired over this or anything but my stupid anxious body disagrees

i owe artwork to people for my teeth stuff. that's still in progress but i can't go any faster than i am and in these bad times i want so bad to do personal stuff, but feel like i can't before all the owed work is out. good, responsible practice but i'm also dying for an outlet between gatekeeping myself from discord and not scratching the art itch. maybe i should write something since rp was my go-to outlet for years but...argh

i can always tell when i'm having a bad time bc i'm torn between social isolation and indulgence and also thinking about the dishes and showering and brushing and and and just seems so arduous in itself. the only upside is that i seem to be going to bed on time but that's not because i want the sleep, more that i get scared of the night in this condition. it sounds so childish but i notice when my self-confidence wanes the darkness--even in my fully-lit hovel--makes me feel so vulnerable. i don't know man, it's that feeling i associate with living in the country, the impression that you are truly alone and there is nothing between you and god. or something like that. it's weird to feel naked and trapped simultaneously but that seems to be the predicament of the week.

all that said i'm gonna force myself to get in the shower now. there's just a lot of what my brain considers 'serious stuff' happening all at once and i'm easily overwhelmed. maybe i'll feel at least a little better with a clean face

[abyssalstardust]

My brain did that thing where it latched onto the idea of looking for jobs online and I did for about an hour and now I want to kms again