#i am so passionate about ppl reading and writing i think its so damn important

[revasserium]

Sorry to ask all of a sudden, but I've been having this thing where whenever I'd go to write, like I'd open the Google docs page and I'd get ready to write I freeze. I get this fear. Have you ever had that before?

don’t be sorry!!! i can’t stress enough how much i love talking to you guys <3 on anon and off!

hmmm i guess it depends on what you mean by “fear”? are you afraid of like the physical act of writing itself or afraid that you won’t write anything “good” or??? bc i’ve def had times (actually today is a p good example; i haven’t written in like 2 days ish, and i was scrolling thru all my fragments of writing and trying to figure out what to write cause i knew i WANTED to write, but i didn’t feel anything “grab” me) where i feel vaguely uninspired and like i know that if i do start writing, it’ll kinda be a slog and i prob won’t be happy w what i write that day anyways.

but those r the days that i really force myself to write. bc i know that i gotta push thru it, and that just the act of making myself write on the days i don’t want to or feel really “blocked” or uninspired will make me a better writer. and obviously, it doesn’t gotta be that srs for you haha. u don’t have to be good at something to enjoy doing it ! :) and never let anyone tell you otherwise.

but for me, i love writing and i like being able to look back and see my own progress as as writer.

so yeah, it can be scary sometimes, but what’s the worse than can happen? you write something and you don’t like it? so what? u write something that you like and someone else doesn’t? you could be the most delicious apple in the entire world and there’s gonna be some fucker out there being like ‘kay but i like oranges better’ lasldfkjsd

and literally some of my favorite one-liners come from pieces that i really wasn’t feeling in the beginning. and MOST of the time, even with the fics i post here, i’ll write the entire thing, and feel like i got in ONE good line. maybe two. u__u but i had to get through the entire rest of the fic to get to that one or two good lines.

in the immortal words of azumane asahi “just one point, i think we can get that” — so think of it like this, you just gotta put one word down, and then another one. one sentence, and then another one. and if you don’t like it, don’t worry about it right now. run with it. see where it goes. and if you really don’t like it at the end, don’t post it, delete it, print it out and burn it and scatter the ashes into the wind. but don’t let the fear of not being able to make something “good” stop you from just doing the thing. <;3

[mx-in-words]

Monsta x being jealous reaction

I really loved your writing for the Monsta x reaction to you being jealous, could you do it the other way, please?!

↬ Shownu

starting with our favourite leader 

shownu is the type of guy who gets jealous but only tells you IF IF IF IF IF  you notice

THE MEN HAS NO FACIAL EXPRESSION!!!

i MEAN he has but only on stage opsss

anyway he never gets jealous about just guys hitting on you 

he gets jealous of your attention 

so here you were, at changkyun’s birthday and you were helping kihyun and kyunnie in the kitchen

that's was fine 

but you were laughing at the boys

and being gorgeous ( why are you being like this? CAN YOU TRY TO BE UGLY ???? shownu calm down boy) 

so he kinda gets angry and wants your attention

 BUT HE does nOT tell YOU!!!

SO you just keep going like nothing happened 

until you ask him to help you 

and he just looks at you like grrr

you: ?? honey? 

then everything just clicks in your mind 

he is: J E A L O U S 

YOU HUG HIM

give him attention and he will be fine 

sn: >:( 

you : * smooches love and kisses*

sn: :3 

yeah that’s it he is fine now. 

the second they are less jealous they are just... baby boys, right? 

↬ Wonho

BABY I MISS YOU SO MUCH

mbb keep fighting for your love he deserves everything

Anyway

We know he is needy and he is VERY jealous of mbb, imagine in a relationship

He trusts you thought... He just doesn't trust men. ( Who do I mean tf)

YOU are his precious treasure 

nobody can touch you without your permission 

so when both of you were in one of those jooheons party’s and a strange guy started to be touching and flirty with you, he was already all over the guy 

the thing is, he is waiting for your “permission”

you stopped him 

you: I already told you, I HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND YOU IDIOT

you pushed the guy and held wonho’s hands 

you: men are annoying 

wh: that’s right, men suck, sorry for being one

you: I mean if all of them were like you...

wh: would it be better? yes but... you could replace me for someone better

you: Wonho, that’s not such a thing. I will never in my life find someone better and more perfect for me, you're the only one, my love. 

wh: good, because I am all ours. 

will kiss u in front of that asshole just because he can ;)

and bc he wants

I mean, he is very touchy with you in public to not get in these types of situation 

his bigger fear is that your strong personality put you in a big fight and you get hit or worse you know? 

he hates the fact that guys only respect you bc of him and not for the fact that you are a person

and he lives to hate men with you 

and keeps telling that, harassment its NOT your fault and will never be. 

yes mbb, we stan the right men <3

↬ Minhyuk

wjneiwnejeej a little mothafuckr

Follow me on this one

He is a free young spirit who is not controlling or do not wants you to feel trapped at all

bUT

You are H I S girl

Not just like a gf

You are his partner/best friend/ lover

So no!!! he is not sharing the moments you both are supposed to do with someone else

He doesn't care if guys eat you with the eyes ( unless you care, and you do, so rip to them)

So watching a hero movie in the theatre with kihyun because is the movie premiere and he is working as an MC that night? It's a no-no to him

And as every demon Scorpio, you should know revenge is coming

He is basically not hanging with you

At all

You both live together and he is like " oh hey StRanGeR"

So you just apologise bc you miss him

And he misses you too so he MIGHT feel guilty and apologise too

mh: " I hate eating alone and sorry I did use your favourite serum last night just bc I was mad but I will buy another one you know youareeverythingtome just just... Don't hang out with kihyun alone doing stuff that me ME YOUR BOYFRIEND Lee minhyuk should do!!!!! Iloveyousorrysorry"

You can only laugh and kiss him

And ofc you sure him that hanging with kihyun is like taking your old aunt out bc she needs her vitamin c.

He is never letting kihyun live after this

You both good.

:) he is too soft to make you in pain

↬ Kihyun

I honestly hate kihyun sassy ass 

but I love him :( 

he is A JEALOUS BITCH 

a lil bit controlling... just keep him at his place and it will be fine

he gets more jealous of your friends and coworkers 

because in his head, if you already like/love them, they can steal you 

what a smart hamster 

but dumb bc you wouldn't replace him 

and even with a superego, like everyone, kihyun has his insecurities

so yes > afraid of losing you< its an issue here

one day you just keep telling about your friend wooyoung 

and how happy you are for him and his lover

because he made like the cutest things for their one-year anniversary 

and you just keep telling all the details, excited for your friend 

kihyun gets jealous and mad because he thinks you’re saying that wooyoung is better, more romantic 

kh: okay just date him already 

you: ???? what?

kh: you only talk about how is he the most romantic guy right? i get it

you: no its not- 

kh: I might not have a lot time for you bc of the band but I swear I try my very best for you, I mean if you are unhappy with me I understand but 

you: kihyun shut up 

he looks at you, damn he is mad 

you sigh bc this hoe is mad for nothing

you: first of all wooyoung is gay and his lover is san 

kh: ohh

you: yeah ohhh, plus I am very satisfied with you baby why would you say that? I love you bitch, I ain't never gonna stop loving you, bitch

kh: I love you too baby and stopping using old vines to tell you love me 

you: no 

you: I WANT A CHURCH BOY WHO GOES TO CHURCH AND READ HIS BIBLEEEE

kh: that’s it goodbye 

kihyun has left the room

but smiling bc he loves you 

↬ Hyungwon

GOD HE DOES NOT CARE AT ALL

maybe because we know hyungwon is a very straightforward person 

and you two make sure to always make clear each other feeling and thoughts

so Won knows how much you love him 

you love him and he loves you

what's more important than that?

so when the fandom and the media discover about you two 

that was rumours about you cheating on him with your best male friend

and someone photoshopped a picture of you two kissing 

hyungwon saw this and immediately made sure to speak to the press

hw: this picture is fake and y/n is only a friend of the male with her, she is loyal so don't try to break something that is unbreakable

you cried seeing that bc 

your men>>>>>>>>>>>>

you: baby you didn't tell me about that

hw: I didn't want to worry you, it’s okay now 

you: you really trust me huh? 

hw: of course I do 

he kissed you gently 

hw: also, I am a 10 and your friend is a 7 in the max, seriously you must be crazy to even think about cheating on me  

you: you're right, I could never 

you hug him because he is so precious uwu 

And damn he is right

He is a god

Could you tell me where can I find my own hyungwon?

↬ Jooheon

SO HAHA remember this lil shit?

with all that “ jealous is for ppl who don’t trust each other”?

haha BULLSHIT 

once again joo trust you of course 

but he gets annoyed 

world please understand 

YOU ARE HIS GIRL 

PERIODT!!!! 

so let's say that some pictures of you being hella sexy were out for the public

nothing promiscuous just

sexy you know?

so these pics were out ( was intentional bc you were promoting for a friend)

but everyone was talking about 

so one rapper commented “ damn that’s hot” 

and well

jooheon is not happy about this 

he knows its only a campaign but DOES PPL NEED TO TALK THAT YOU ARE HOT? 

jh: asshole hot is my fucking hand after slap your ugly face I swear I will cut everyone hand that commented those things about my girl 

you: jooheon

jh: what??? 

you: well forget it, you're mad :( 

he is sorry for being angry 

jh: sorry baby, just tell me pretty baby ~

you: I was going to say... why don’t you do what they want so badly?

he still didn't understand

so you sit on his lap

kissing his neck, you whisper close to his ears 

you: why don’t you show me what only you can do? 

you: why don't you make me scream the name of the only person that can touch my body? 

jh: oh baby, you can bet I will, gladly 

he smirks and...

you know ;)

( I am not weak for angry!jooheon, you are)

↬ Changkyun

he is the most passionate guy 

that’s why Kyun is so confusing in my eyes

he pretends he is cold, but he is soft

he pretends being dope, he is weird

he pretends to be a fuckboy but is romantic 

he pretends he does not care, but he cares, waaay too much 

maybe both of you are jealous 

nobody has ever said about being exclusive at all

but it was an exclusive thing 

both just didn't know ( clowns 🤡)

the game was going to be a draw

but kyun couldn't help himself when that guy was touching you way too much 

taking way to much smiles and laughs of you 

when he could look at you way to close 

and dance way to sensual with you 

no, he couldn't help himself of picking you and find an empty place to talk 

ck: look I just... why are you with him? 

you: kyun I mean, you were with that girl too and, wait, you're jealous?

kyun just keep looking at you like you discover his dark secret  

you: good, I was with him to make jealous 

ck: really?

you: yeah so just fucking kiss me 

and he did 

all night

making sure that from now, you're his

and he is yours 

like is supposed to be 

<3 

[charmspoint]

One day I will stop disappearing. (1) the first ask about ships. Red Mars isn't lost yet, so what about Suwa and Takeuchi? (2) the second ask is about ships. 1,17,18, but maybe there is some question that you would like to answer, but no one asked it? (3) ask about mutual. I'm sorry, but I can't make sense of the question. Now I feel a little silly.

Please don’t worry about it! I do these for fun and when I need to get my mind off of things or just want something to talk about so don’t feel obliged to do them all hjbh this isnt your job, I won’t mind if you disappear and miss some. I appreciate it a lot that you do all of them I just don’t want you to feel like you have to you knowhgvhvvh <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

This got long so under the cut

Send me a ship to rate

Suwa x Takeuchi

vomit / don’t ship / okay / cute / adorable / perfect / beyond flawless / hot damn / screaming and crying / i will ship them in hell

I am the only one writing stuff in this fandom so I can do what I want uwu. I do ship them exclusively queerplatonically tho, I can’t imagine either of them having romantic or sexual feelings for each other. And I doubt we will get much more backstory on them then we already got (tho i am expecting we’ll get more from Suwa since his is more set up) but I’m just very interested in the time before the other vampires joined, the two of them would be all alone in a building full of humans. There is also the idea that Suwa was feral for a long time and we don’t know how he got out of it so I like to imagine Takeuchi figured smtng out, he’d be all over something like that. So I like to imagine the two of them simply finding home in each other as two things of same in the middle of a world they no longer belong to. It’s that feeling of home, acceptance and belonging I get when I think about them, rather than any romantic or sexual feelings.

Shipping asks

1. What was your first OTP?

HhHhhH The first one i remember is Soul X Maka from Soul Eater. Soul Eater was the first anime I watched when i was like ???? 11-12. And obviously since i was that age i consumed other media before that and probably saw other relationships but for life of me I can’t remember them. That’s probably because when I discovered Anime i discovered fanfiction too so Soul x Maki is the first ship i remember actually searching and reading fics for, sorta getting involved into  a fandom for the first time, tho i wouldn’t be actively involved until i started writing for Durarara. I still haven’t rewatched Soul Eater in its completion since i watched it that first time ;-; Every like 5 years or so my brother and i will start a rewatch and never get very far hjbhjhj we watched it together first so we wanna rewatch it together too but maybe at this point we should just watch it separately. We aren’t very good at watching shows we actually like together hvhjh

17. Are there any popular ships that you just don’t like? What are they?

As I said I think my shipping tastes run p vanilla so I usually like the popular ships or at least don’t mind them much. That being said I did think of few.

Endhawks – I used to be passionately against this because I passionately hated Endeavor but since my feelings for Endeavor simmered down my feelings for this ship also simmered down from ‘THIS WAS MADE IN HELL’ to ‘gross no’. While I do think it’s best for Enji and Rei to separate or at least distance themselves, I hate this idea of Enji immediately getting into another relationship with someone that much younger then him who idolizes him. Like my man, that’s just not what you do when you are recovering from being abusive towards ur last spouse, that’s just a recipe for disaster. I do like their relationship as friends tho but I don’t like the idea of Hawks healing Enji or being a relationship where he can finally really fall in love or something because that just makes me very uncomfy.

Gojohime – apparently this is??? Pretty popular??? I had no idea until Foxy told me ppl were legit considering it endgame. Like…I’m just really not into ships where the guy and girl obviously hate each other and don’t get along and the way Gojo acts around Utahime can classify as nothing but piggy tail pulling. I like ships in which Gojo is compelled to act more mature and responsible but not ships that make it seems like his partner would be his babysitter or his mom or something and that’s v much the vibe this ship is giving me.

Itadori x Nobara – this ship doesn’t have bad vibes I just HEAVILY prefer them as besties. I like that JJK has little to no romantic fumblings and that the main three can just be friends J it’s refreshing. It just wouldn’t feel right for me if they hooked up.

18. What is your favorite unpopular ship?

So this is kind of interesting thing to ask cuz most of my ships that aren’r popular come from me uhhhh roleplaying bnha for over 3 years I think now. Yeah so I used to be super involved into the bnha roleplay community and the thing is with roleplay that you start looking for popular ships (My first was Tododeku) and then it kind of….goes off all over the place with time. The thing is roleplay servers die out and you follow people elsewhere. Sometimes you stay with the entire group, sometimes you just follow 1-2 people you really like. You change servers, you change groups, you stick by the few ppl you really like roleplaying with and eventually you ship together whatever the fuck because at that point the partner is more important than the ship. With a good partner you can make everything work. I mained Hawks, Shouto, Shinsou and sometimes Tamaki and one of my fav rp partners (we mostly rp ocs now) mostly mained Sero so….we did a LOT of Seroroki. I very rarely this ship anywhere but it was very fun we did it in a lot of aus. Same goes for Izuku x Sero X Shouto which we did with another friend in such a nice domestic au it was great. Also Momo x Shinsou with another partner, we didn’t do this for long because the server shut down soon after but uhhh they did yandere Momo and it was such a fantastic performance it sold me on yanderes forever.

Some honorary mentions of other crack ships I did: Midnight x Hawks, Kurogiri x Hari x Kai, Tamaki x Camie, Shishikura x Shouto.

That’s just off the top of my head all of these were surprisingly very good and fun, as I said, the partner matters not the ship. I think this is why I’m like way more lax in shipping in bnha then like in jjk. In jjk I need a ship to have a chemistry I can consider at least somewhat romantic to consider it, in bnha just fuckin everything goes because I’m so used to it just being this sandbox I can do anything in.

Uhh as for bonus question uhhh

29. Do you like OCs (Original Characters)?

I like ocs a whole lot I have a metric shit tone of them and I’d like to talk about them but idk how to start in a way that would be interesting to anyone ;-; rip

[kosmicdream]

Chasing the Dream

I’ve been working on FFAK for almost four years now. Its the longest project I’ve ever committed myself to by far, and every part of this journey is really a “first time” kind of experience for me. One thing that I often think about while learning about the creative process of making a long-format comic is that.. I wonder how much of this is normal?

Working on my comic every day, obviously, you go through ups and downs. Just like how life is. Its not really always an exciting thing, my comic is often kind of just part of my day as naturally as eating a meal. When you do something like that, its easy to look at your project differently. Its not a exciting, spontaneous thing its a loyal, loving dedication, but how do you keep that spark that first ignited the flame of creativity in the first place? how do you manage this.. relationship? I so crave to hear from other artists about what they do about it. especially from comic artists that i admire and look up to, just to get some sort of frame of reference of what i should be expecting from this, all the while knowing my personal journey is mine alone and could never be replicated again.

One thing that is difficult to get accustomed to is that, people will (hopefully) have opinions about your comic. Its the ideal thing is to have people talking about it. But that stuff can really get in your head too. Not in a positive way. Learning about those boundaries is an essential aspect of the creative process. I wish i could give proper tips with this, but its something I struggle with too much to feel like I can really confidently advise on. Its also not really the focus of what I want to write about currently.

I feel somewhat lost with my life a lot of the times, with goals and directions. Since putting ffak down all around me, like building a bridge to an unknown future- I suddenly feel like I have somewhat of a stable home to return to that i want to uphold and see to the end. A frame of reference for myself in what i want to be part of my identity and be known for. But that in itself, is intimidating. I don’t know how to protect it properly to let it grow, I have to catch myself for when I face an unexpected challenge and i dont know what I’m building towards most of the time. I have a lot of dreams of what that might be, but I don’t know if im ever going to reach it with this bridge.

When it comes to thinking about my far off, no holding back dreams are, it really doesn’t feel like I’ll ever get there-- but I also never thought I would be where I am standing now, and I am still walking and building towards.. something. The motivation to keep forward even if I don’t know where i will go, while imagining that far off dream and if I’ll be lucky to obtain parts of it is something that keeps working for me. But really, its almost just putting faith and truth in my fantasy dream. I just have always wanted it so bad and hungered for it. Even in the title of FEAST for a king i feel that it reflects that passion inside me and how its haunted me, inspired me and frustrated me. The comic is such a reflection of my own inner demons, spilling out in a tangled imperfect mess without the cosmetic editing to make it more palatable to read. (I know its a mess, trust me. I’ve just learned to accept that as part of its unique charm. Much like accepting my own mess of a self as part of my unique charm.)

When working on this bridge, I think a lot of my efforts are really the desperate effort to find somewhere I belong. I imagine this familiar hand to someone I dont know, stretching out from that void beyond my bridge and saying “There you are, welcome home” and i’m so eager to take that hand when I know I’ve seen it. I just feel that if I keep working that opportunity will make itself present to me and my anxiety of where I need to be will go away or at least diminish. I’m not sure what that hand really belongs to. Fame? Success and recognition? Companionship? Security? A Family? Is it my own damn hand?! Who am I really chasing after that I feel I don’t have already? I just question it a lot while still going forward, because its better to keep moving now that I’ve got a start on things. I’ve been stuck in one place for so many years and decades, In a lot of ways I am still stuck but this comic has helped me become unstuck.. or at least aware of how much i hold myself back from experiencing life for myself, or carving my own path in the world where I don’t have to feel like I need to be entertaining (or fitting a certain criteria) enough to be allowed there.

I really don’t know what its like to work on a long term project where you are working with publishers, editors, ppl who will help market you -- the support I get is from really 100% my readers and friends. That belief and excitement they give me is enough to feel like im doing SOMETHING. Maybe not something perfect, but it is something that is happening as apposed to not doing it.

Actually, to come back to how its important to have boundaries with what people say about your art-- i talk about this a lot because I am pretty defensive over my choices. When I feel like someone doesn’t “get” what i do, I would get very frustrated. But it was also really fun to feel that way, I enjoyed getting all wound up over my own story and how people were interpreting it. It helped me reflect and figure out myself and as time went on, comments don’t bother me the same as they did anymore. Generally though, people are pretty nice to me. Either that or they just don’t bother reading my comic at all because it has too many weird sex things in it and is too long and confusing. That is cool too.

When people say something about my work where that, my comic is “OK” but not “great” -- or something along the lines of mediocrity-- that’s where it really hurts a lot i think. There’s no contesting that, its just how they feel. Intstead of that image of a hand reaching out, you know that hand is not going to be there. Its different from a hand slapping you across the face because they get angry about it. Of course, aggressive violent flappyflap hands are not fun to deal with too, but for some reason there’s still the presence of them BEING there. Even if they’re enraged, its like, they are enraged enough to stick around and try to tell you off. But when someone’s read your work and just felt Meh, there’s a certain kind of rejection that is hard to accept. It really challenges the artistic pride. And its sooo easy to take that as some sort of universal acceptance of your work, because its like-- am I though? Is my bridge just going to be this average, mediocre one? Is that even a bad thing? Shouldn’t I be content with that? But then the faded idea of your dream and your true, secret selfish goals kind of come back to focus. Your hunger returns and you don’t feel satisfied with that answer.

When I keep working, i just try to imagine that I’m not just an artist, I’m the greatest artist ever. That might not even make sense, that statement, but when I feel hung up or defeated and not good enough, I just know that I cannot stop here because.. what would the best artist ever do? they would figure out a way to get over it and keep going forward. There is no obstacle to that person. Even if I am not that person, pretending I am is enough to get me a little closer to where I want to be than I was before. And so i find myself sort of chasing after that imagined version of myself. And in three going on four years, I can at least confidently say I have made that gap between me and that other self..just a little closer.

Anyway, thank you for reading this or my comic!

-Kosmic

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.