#i am so sorry im really mean today
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in such a kiss everyone on the lips and cradle them gently sort of a mood
#im so sorry for going on#it's just such a win#it's an ending to the year that i could never have predicted#i really Really didn't think i was making it out of april i really didn't#and i know i've gone on but i was so sure i'd die with so much unfinished and incomplete#by the Bad Day all i was really thinking about was waking up the next morning and yelling i love you at everyone i've ever loved#but before that it was the fear and the sense of loss for what i never did or had or whatever#to be where i am right now? to have had a day like today?#it's beyond anything i could have ever hoped for#i don't know when my health will turn again. or how this cancer thing or tachycardia thing will play out#but right now i'm just so !!! fuck i'm everything ever#i'm so intensely happy#and fuck- a glass of orange juice makes me happy#so this is#just wonderful#it means i can afford to do a masters. and have the time- probably- to do it part time#it's beyond a gift#i'm so fucking happy#so happy to be here for it
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#ok so mini rant session#i am doing a bit better today - little less distraught over getting fired from a job i thought i was doing pretty good at and i was trying#really hard and genuinely enjoying#and just more baffled because truly i had no warning and i was completely blindsided#i was in the middle of a 3 month trial and i would have a review at the end in which i would be offered a permanent position if it went well#and i thought i was making my way towards that! granted i was still making mistakes but genuinely not of such a great scale i thought it#called for my immediate dismissal#that being said i was still VERY MUCH IN TRAINING. i had only been there A MONTH AND A HALF learning COMPLETELY NEW SYSTEMS#and i was told that i had been there a few weeks already and that i wasn’t catching on quick enough. that there were some areas i was#understanding and others i just simply wasn’t#and i asked what areas specifically so that i could learn more and try harder#and they didn’t give me a specific answer.#ok and so. so. i have this insecurity.#that at first impression people will like me. that they may think i’m pretty or kind or funny or whatever#but then they spend time with me or get to know me and realize that that’s all bullshit.#that i’m actually not pretty and im mean and loud and selfish and lazy and rude and etc etc etc#MASSIVE fucking insecurity in that like that’s why i genuinely don’t have friends or a significant other#and that genuinely i’m just a Bad Person#and when i was fired? i was told ‘a persons true colours show after a few weeks’#so that’s MAJORLY fucking me up.#when i was hired i was boasted to about my boss’s hiring process and how she’s ’only been fooled twice’#and the morning before i was fired in a meeting my supervisor told everyone that i was doing quite well.#so yeah i truly had no fucking warning. at fucking all.#hurt and confused and angry and baffled and did i mention hurt#anyways if you’re still here i’m sorry i know this is not a good look for me
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ok im a really chill and normal person and i get over things and am well adjusted but take a walk with me here. just give me my time to complain when im not in the absolute fucking trenches. and yes i believe i suffered more than those in trench warfare. it was literally a lesbian situationship with a bistraight girl come on. just. magenta choppy shag with the roots coming in. camo cargo pants black t shirt with red lettering and striped long sleeve (sign someone likes music. confirmed). lip ring big black stud earrings and nails. red docs. i think lesbians should be allowed to kill one dyke baiter in their lifetime idc
#and now we're gonna get into some quiet parts and youre just gonna let me have this#i. am so sick. first of all it was kinda funny how people ik ended up sorta surrounding her. felt good. but like we've shared a space#together since everything. i can like be in her presence it's seriously fine. that said. i do sometimes miss her#i say this after going through the really hating her guts period bc of her evil evil evil ways. and feeling like she's lame as hell bc she#s. but i mean it's me talking i have my problems too. i Hate the way we always so naturally act in sync. and i hate that we've both picked#each others' brains for hours so it's like. i knew you once and now we can't even look each other in the eye and that just really sucks#and i feel like. not that i strictly believe in these things. but we were sort of twin flames. i largely suffered for like. basically#falling in love w her. and i know i didn't leave as much of a mark. but i still hope it sucked a little for her#and i'll admit i think it'd be some sort of miracle if we could ever talk civilly. unfortunately we work in two ways#literally behaving in Ways and borderline fucking or not speaking. so. here we are#and i already humiliatingly tried to extend an olive branch this summer so im not gonna be fucking stupid. yk#but GOD how annoying. i did talk to situationship today and we were relatively normal so at least that's not deathly awkward#it's still. definitely um. stiff. but not terrible#i need to get to the club. pretend theres a cig emoji im on desktop rn#sorry for this.#film girl saga
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🦨
#ughhh someone pointed out the atrocity in my face. i hate thatfeature of me so bad#and now i cant stop thinking about it and i hate myself and my face and i got bad feelings#because throughout my entire life i've been so bullied for it#i feel so ugly ugh!!!!!! i am ugly i wanna cry who could ever love me when i look like this skksksks#the worst abt having a face deformity is that it is on your FACE!!!!! i cant hide it#it's out there for everyone to see#and i cant remove it. i can get plastic surgery etc but i cant afford that at all now. maybe when i have a job :(((#and it really is so big in my brain. i notice it constantly#i cant look at other ppl without checking their chins to see if it's smooth or not#and most ppl have normal chins. pretty much everyone has a normal chin!!!!#i wish i was normal too. i hate looking like this i hate it so bad#it is so unfair that i gotta be stuck w this ugly fkn feature but everyone else gets to look normal#so unfair so unfair it makes me so angry#why did i get the worst genes ever i cant stand having to live my life being this grotesquely ugly#anyway.... i try to suppress it nd not think abt it but earlier today someone made a comment abt it#nd now i just wnna cry because it is soooooooo ugly and i hate it#besides yeah it made me rmbr my school years bc ppl were sofkn mean to me abt it#like im sorry i know im ugly wtf do u want me to do?!?!
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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I FINISHED ALL THE LOUIS EPISODES OF TRGB
this last episode was SO FREAKING CUTE he was babysitting his nephew and was so caring and adorable and AUGGHGHGHG I MISS HIM ALREADY...
#on the bright side i had a dream about him last night and it gave me an idea for the cutest way for him to ask my s/i out!!!#probably gonna write a drabble for it 😛#also you guys get a break from my selfshiptember posting today LOL#i wanted to do a Dance at Bougival inspired drawing for the dancing prompt but i got lazy#and i have an incredible amount of chores to do today wkwjsksjd#technically im not posting for selfshiptember tomorrow either but i am posting art bc ITS MY ANNIVERSARY WITH BOBBBBB 💜🤎💜🤎💜🤎#sorry i feel like ive been spamming art thanks to this event lol!!! but i appreciate all your kind words so much 😭#ive been really trying to improve my art so it means a lot :'D#caitiechat
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well i think its finally time to open this box
#sorry gang apparently i am incapable of sticking to my word and am continuing to have a personality on main and subject you all#to all of my bullshit#i am doing my best but i am a weak bitch who does not know how to process feelings#so its a fucking miracle im opening this box tbh. ive wavered a lot around this one#this round of thinking is being brought on by the probable imminent break up between me + my gf 🙃👍#its been on the cards for a hot minute i mean. she hasnt sent me a message since the 8th of march until today and its like a.#we need to talk message so. like im not surprised. ans ive been thinking about it all a lot recently#i dont really want to realise im aro while im with someone so ive been avoiding it but like. ive been thinking. and ive been thinking if we#shouod break up too anyway because like. i get i am so hard to be around. but nothing. for a month. even a silly picture. it hurts dude#but i kinda didn't want to push because. i know i am. me. and a lot. and i know shes got stuff on her plate. but so do i#maybe we're both no good#to be around#nyxtalks#this is very not helpful in my whole. everyone i love leaves me eventually so i should isolate myself and push them all away thing i guess#but i dont think. i want to cling. i dont wanna be that pathetic.#she can do better than me (i cant do better than her)#i mean. idk ive been questioning if im aro anyway so. idk#i dont fucking know#honestly this is gonna be so cringe if this isnt what she wanted to talk about but like. what else could it possibly be i guess#dude i am so sorry if you read this this turned into relationship vent rather than my feelings around aromanticism#those are.complicated enough for their own post and i probably need to talk to some actual aromantic people about that
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i would never survive tiktok i get WAY too annoyed when people are annoying in my notes on here
#in my defense someone left a long mightier than thou comment on one of my old vent posts. but ljke. man what the fuck#i am so strong. bc i could be so so so mean so very often. but i have a little bit of self restraint so i wont#“aha i see op has made a post. wishing for something. weeks or months ago. alas do not worry. i am here to deliver”#and its some random 14 yr old i have never interacted with once in my life#or when i make a joke post and revlog with an addition. and they DO NOT CHECK THE NOTES FOR THE ADDITION#shit the fuck UPPPPPPPP#anyway. hi sorry im the evil demon version of me today. hey bitches im here 2 cause problems on purpose etc . whatever im so fucking tired#ohhh i could make a really funny joke but it WOULD get us in trouble so i will not. sigh.#tldr to anyone who makes smartassy comments on a post without checking the notes first. youre annoying and youre not funny!!!!!
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Hey guys, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but to give a genuine and honest critique of a piece of media, you actually have to like. Consume it. And interact with it to an extent to get a feel for the context.
I'm getting tired of seeing people say, "This movie/show/book has bad representation because good representation would include (thing that is explored in the media)."
Guys you can't look at a couple clips on Twitter and think that's all there is.
#meow.#I dare you to read huck finn i dare you.#i dare you to read it fully and give a proper analysis#i swear if that book came out today it would be bashed on twitter because#'Did they really need to say the n-word this much? 😬'#and call Mark Twain racist because 'Why is this white man so desperate to use slurs in his book 🤔'#Use your BRAAAAAIIIIIIIINS#GO ON. RUB THOSE TWO BRAINCELLS TOGETHER!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!#Im sorry im being mean#BUT PLEAAAAAAASE#its Painful#Not everything hare-y pot-or#where you can look at the prpblematic content of the book and find those beliefs ring true for the person who made it#Thats part of analysis. being able to make that distinction#you have to look at the context both within the text and around it. like when and why it was written or by who.#You can say that you didnt like how something was portrayed. you can say things came across as distasteful#but some of yall will throw around some very serious accusations all willy nilly and i am not okay with that#Sorry i come to tumblr to rant about shit i see on twitter
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We’ve officially hit the point where I can’t fucking sleep because of this shit and on top of everything the AC went out I literally want to cry I’m so stressed I physically feel like shit like I need to throw up I’m so tired but between my stomach hurting, the stress, and the heat I can’t
#today he told me it ‘wasn’t fair’ that I expected him and his bf to move#just because I refused to get rid of my ‘disgusting cats’ and they would be ‘happier’ in a shelter#his reasonings for why they would be happier in a shelter were all things that they did not do/did not happen until he started this shit#‘they’re always hiding and you never spend time with them’#they hide from YOU#early morning and late at night when you’re in your room they’re fine#im out here rn just sitting with them giving them attention#also yeah I used to give them attention for AT LEAST several hours of the day#but after I essentially got chased out of all the common areas no obviously that wasn’t happening#man FUCK YOU#also sorry I don’t want to spend literal THOUSANDS more than I would other wise to fucking move#esp when YOU moving means no changes in your finances#you make over 50k a year I make barely 20k AND already have more bills to pay than you#why the FUCK should I be getting stuck with the far worse financial decision#and then to try and frame it like you’re getting treated ‘unfairly’ just because I won’t get rid of my cats for you??????#I genuinely hope the stupid fucking car your mom gave you explodes tomorrow idc idc idccccc#ESPECIALLY WHEN HE BOTH THREATENED AND SAID HE DIDNT CARE TO MOVE OUT#and when I said ‘great. do that’ he starts throwing this fucking fit#I hate him so much it is so goddamn UNREAL#I am dealing with a giant man baby who has never been told no in his life before now#and it’s really fucking showing#this is what happens when parents give their kids everything they want#and you have normie cis white man privilege and have also gotten every job/into every program you’ve ever wanted with minimal effort#so when someone finally says ‘no you don’t get whatever you want at my expense’#he has the most immature meltdowns fucking imaginable#kaz rambles
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets
#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck#the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy#cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it#so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled#i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like#i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is#it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS#and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like#that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts#that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of#the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED??#and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way#i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps#and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all#ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine#i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be#missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine#and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something#unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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his nickelodeon slime arm has captivated me <- Cord, probably
#i gotta do lighting better. lol#i saw someone do it in a really unique way and i was like 👀 but im just some dude scribbling a vague approximation of everything at 3am 😩#one day i'll put effort into drawing jerric again. today is not that day. i am so tired i just needed to relax after hanging with some ppl#veneer#jerric kedves#caleb oroitz#cord's only mentioned so i won't tag him lmao sorry man#i love drawing jerric bc i get to put on my favorite playlist: ''i am going to beat you to death''#it has the doom ost and celldweller songs and the killer instinct ost... among others i think fit the vibes of ''you are so screwed''#dude's a powerhouse and he doesn't even have magic. he's just that strong on his own that he can overpower magic users#powerscaling means nothing to me. jerric cool. jerric wins.
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………….
#im continuing my rambling here#man you can really tell i forgot to take my antidepressants today god#anyway yeah sorry for all the ranting its just that like#i feel bad for not being rly into the wta#but then that makes me examine WHY i feel bad about that#cause i mean being a wta fan doesn’t make anyone morally superior#but there’s still part of me that’s uncomfortable abt how in the sport where women are given such a high degree of attention (comparatively)#i still ended up choosing the men. and i have to ask myself WHY#and maybe its not that deep#but i just feel like every time i talk about the wta it’s performative. and its like. what am i trying to prove. what is wrong with me.#and anyway why am i even treating the wta like some sort of platform to prove my own feminism or smth. like. its not meant to be that.#cause now its like. if i get into them now am i doing it because i enjoy watching them as athletes or bc im trying to prove smth to myself#and like. the latter is just so insulting to women’s tennis as a whole that just thinking that that’s what i’m doing makes me sick#ugh. i need to stop overthinking this i know i just. ughhh.#i feel like an impostor here#i felt like that with the atp at first but now that i’m more familiar with them i’m finding new ways to feel like an impostor in this space!
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goodness I love him so much
#wow. today was wild. i made more progress on the game and he showed up a LOT#he did some horrible things. beat some people up. kidnapped a child. suggested he cut the child's finger off and mail it to her grandpa.#but... 😳. im so in love with him. he's such an asshole but wow... wow. he's so funny and handsome.. and so strong... and his voice gives me#so many butterflies!!! to think that i once hated this man... funny how fast things change huh?#also. another character called him “the meanest son of a bitch i know” (direct quote)#HE'S SO RIGHT. BUT.. HE'S MY MEAN SON OF A BITCH#he totally owned it too ajsjajsj he KNOWS he's horrible!!!! but also.. he cares a lot about his Blade... too bad she didnt last for long LOL#ash tries her best to comfort him during that time. she had grown to care so much for the man she considered her biggest rival in the world.#she also falls in love with him- ahem- and um... if i may be a little self-indulgent........ a.khos falls for ash too.#AHEM SNDHWIRYWBRBW#it's the enemies to lovers ship of the century!!!!#(i never said this but... he can get really cuddly when he's sleepy. it's the cutest thing in the world honestly)#and... you know how he's a theater kid and always talks about the script and shit? well uh... after their first kiss ash just chuckles#'that wasnt on the script right?'#of course he says no. falling for ash wasnt on the script but... for once he doesnt mind going off script#ash just shyly smiles. 'youre really good at improv then.'#OH ALSO#AHSJWHDJQHDJ#a.khos also likes to call ash his 'leading lady'#GAAAAHHH I HATE HIM (lying) ive fallen so hard for him. he's all i can think about. my heart is his. i am so sorry to all my discord friends#because i never shut the hell up about him#ash rambles 💚#i love him!!!! i know he's an asshole but i love him for that too!!
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ougugugughghhh i get,,, so embarrassed when i try to be Earnest lol especially w/in the context of like fanart/fic like i LOVE when other people do it i LOVE reading earnest and vulnerable deep fics and seeing intense fanart etc etc etc. but then i do it i feel like i am Going To Be Killed LJFDKSLF SDJFLS
#yknow like??? if i do ANYTHING other than my funny ha ha sillies <-which i love btw. my fave thing to do ever#but if i try something Different i feel like im CRINGE for trying bc im not. good at it??#or like im Trying Too Hard?? I GET SO EMBARRASSED#anyway i got jumpscared by a jami/azu i found from last year#and i mean /i/ like it but. i feel like i would die if i posted it#im p sure ididnt post that one i just sent it to my friend on discord#and then even that still made me Feel Embarrassed lol#SORRY GOD idk why im airing out so much internal feelings today lol#can i really blame it on the caffine. can i. god i really need to find a new therapist lol i cancelled the old one but#havent found a replacement yet jklfjsdl oopsie. but like how do u talk to a therapist about this shit anyway lol#i dont. WANT to tell them about tumblr thats EMBARRASSING#sorry this all boils down to im very insecure and always have been l o l#like it's FINE ill be FINE im just oughhghghghgh yknow?#i guess im better than i used to be bc. i post way more than i used to re:drawing and writing lol but#i do have fits of panic where im like#🧍♂️am i delusional. perhaps my mutuals/followers r just politely humoring me#and i am simply making A FOOL of myself#maybe!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know#not that i think anyones out to get me or anything i just hfhhhshhdhsghf#i lost track of what i was talking about#anyway shoutout to people who r nice sorry i have a hard time absorbing it lol thats a ME problem not anyone else
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