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scullydubois · 4 years

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Only the Light: Ch. 10

Missy accompanies Scully to a doctor's appointment. Afterward, Missy confronts Scully about her feelings for Mulder, and Scully slips-up on the phone.

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She digs through her suitcase, searching for the business card she tucked in the pocket with her underwear. A sharp edge penetrates her skin, stings immediately. Her fingers close around the paper card and pull it out. A thin red cut traces the length of her middle finger, blood begging to seep out. She ignores it and grabs the phone off her nightstand, plugging in the number for the Aubrey Motel.

As she’s dialing, she realizes that it’s already past lunchtime in DC, and even though Missouri is an hour behind, there’s no way Mulder is in his room. She lets it ring anyway, then asks the man who answers for room 12. He patches her through, and sure enough, the line rings until it gives up.

Impressed by her own newfound patience, Scully hangs up and dials Mulder’s cell instead. She’s not exactly sure why she didn’t just do this in the first place; maybe she likes the idea of Mulder being stationary without her, stuck in his room like a lost little boy with no one to guide him. Her heart sinks when she thinks about Mulder gallivanting around Aubrey, solving the case like there’s nothing to it, like he could have been doing it by himself all this time. She wants him to need her. Naturally, she is ashamed of this desire.

She hits the call button and waits while an invisible force shoots across states and connects her to her partner. She does not have to wait long; he answers after the first ring.

“Hello?” He sounds the same as always. Simultaneously there and drifting, one body split between two minds.

“Mulder, it’s me.”

“Hey Scully.” There is a lightness in his voice now, like a balloon cut free of its tether. He is smiling, she thinks...She hopes.

“I just wanted to let you know I made it home safely…” She trails off, not wanting to stop talking to him, but finding herself with nothing else to say.

“I’m glad, Scully.” He always addresses her by name more when they are apart. This is a comfort to both of them. “How’s Melissa?”

Scully looks through the doorway, confirming that her sister is nowhere near to cause any antics. “She’s alright.” She deals in half-truths. “We’re going to the doctor later to get an x-ray, but I think it’s just a sprain.”

“Well, keep me updated. I found a lead on the case--Harry Cokely, the suspect of one of the 1945 murders. I’m on my way to see him. He’s been out of jail since ‘93.”

Scully gulps. “Are you alone?”

“Uh-huh.” He senses her tension through the line. “But I’ll be fine, Scully, he’s an old geezer now. What kind of agent am I if I can’t defend myself against an eighty year old?”

“You could have taken BJ with you.”

“And put a pregnant woman in the line of fire? I’ll be fine, Scully. They wouldn’t have let him out if he were still a danger.”

“Okay, Mulder.” This is not what she means, but it has already been a long day, and there is too much left of it to get into an argument with him.

“I might be able to come back tomorrow,” she blurts out, as if saying it will make it more true. “...I’d like to come back tomorrow.”

“Take all the time you need, Scully. I’ve got this.”

She knows he is trying to be accommodating-- though he so rarely is--but his casual manner confirms her worst fears about her own superfluity. “I want to work, Mulder, you know that.”

“I’m not gonna stop you.” Then, his voice uneven, suspecting but not willing to confront--”Just take care of Melissa--and yourself--okay?”

She nods into the phone. “I will.” She is staring at the barrel of Mulder’s metaphorical gun, knowing he won’t shoot, almost wishing he would. Bleeding out feels like the simple solution. “Bye, Mulder.”

She is leaving so soon, he thinks, grateful to have had her voice accompanying him on the trip. “Bye, Scully. Call the motel tonight, will you?”

“Alright.” She kills the line, each extra second another thorn in her side, a lie allowed to linger. Sin multiplying.

She stands there, clasping the phone in her hand and feeling like a stranger to herself. Her sister thought she should tell him before she flew a thousand miles and let an hour fall between them, and she disobeyed. What Melissa didn’t understand was that vulnerability is not a word in her and Mulder’s shared language. There’s no way to spell out the situation, even if she had wanted to. And she didn’t want to at the time. Or rather, she had wanted to so badly that it was dangerous, that she knew she risked more pain by telling than by withholding. She would have had to invent new words in their language, expand its bounds, and who knows what would come next. Give someone the language to express their feelings, and they will say them. And what then?

She is scared of her own feelings--and his too--because she knows that admitting means losing, somewhere down the road, and she doesn’t ever want to be without him. If she had never met him, she would never have to live without him. This is the gun that is always pressed to her head. She and Mulder are both holding the trigger.

She doesn’t know if he has such a gun against his temple, thinks that maybe he doesn’t, hopes so at least. There have been others for him, she knows this. Phoebe and...well, Phoebe’s the only one she’s met, and she wasn’t that impressive. But he’s a good-looking guy, and a good guy at that, and the whispers of a dark-haired woman who broke his heart float up and down the hallways of the Hoover building. He doesn’t tell, and Scully won’t ask because she worries that the mystery woman is the gun he holds against his own head.

She sets the phone back in its receiver, tired of thinking about guns and triggers and brains blown out. For now, she is in one piece--she’s pretty sure--and she would like to stay that way for as long as her soul will let her.

Her sister calls from down the hallway. “Dana, are you ready?”

Scully managed to book a last-minute appointment with her OB-GYN, thanks to Missy’s insistence that it was an emergency. Personally, she wouldn’t use such a strong word--I mean, it’s not like she’s hemorrhaging or anything. It’s the absence of blood that’s the problem. But there are tests, scans, and probing of the like that can be done, and once Scully admitted this her sister would not drop the issue. Off to every woman’s favorite place they go.

--------

The waiting room is a stepping stone, a purgatory, a beginning and an ending rolled into one. She has been here before, many times. In the past, it felt like an inconvenience, not a threat.

She makes an appointment every year, does everything exactly as she is supposed to do in between, and still she is here and scared. She is careful as careful comes, as prepared as one petite woman alone in the world can be. She can dislocate a jaw, strike a man’s legs out from under him, break a nose. And yet, and yet, and yet...Who first uttered “fairness,” thought it existed on this Earth?

Even so, the consolation of knowing lingers in the distance. Like the minutes between calling 911 and the ambulance arriving. Help is on the way. The nightmare will end, or it will settle in. Lucky or unlucky. Win or lose.

Scully is not sure what she wants to hear. Three tests is quite definitive; pregnancy is unlikely. And what else is there? That her cycle has been thrown off by stress, that it’ll come back on its own time, don’t worry about it? That’s no comfort. She doesn’t want something to be wrong with her, but she knows something’s not right, and what’s worse than knowing that you don’t know? She and Mulder have lived in that hell for years. She can handle mysteries of the outside world, but what a cruel trick for her own body to blockade her.

Missy nudges her from the adjacent vinyl seat, elbow meeting bicep. “What are you thinking about?”

“How my mind doesn’t know what’s going on with my own body,” Scully replies dryly. “I mean, I know I have a tendency to close myself off, but I’ve cloistered myself so much I no longer know what I am.”

Melissa frowns. “Don’t you mean who? Who you are?”

“No.” Scully shakes her head, looks at her lap. In her darkest thoughts and most blistering nightmares, she is not human anymore. They desecrate her, ravage her body, and leave a memento in her skin, a touch of them. It’s so vivid it might be a memory. Mulder wants an alien; he may have one. That would be ironic, huh?

Can you learn to believe in yourself when you become something you never thought existed?

Can you still believe in God?

Every job she has dreamed of doing involves solving. Knowing enough to know what you don’t know, then figuring that out. Taking the pencil lines, shading them in. Seeking and finding and never wondering why. She cannot keep this up. There has got to be a meaning.

It is not enough, anymore, to simply wonder for the sake of wondering. To cast light over the darkness because you are tired of the darkness. Why? Is she doing it for Mulder, for the traumatized twelve-year boy locked inside him? Is she doing it for herself, fending off the fallibility, reconciling her belief with proof so that she can get off her own back? Or is she doing it because she was told to, because she is still the daddy’s girl who wants to please?

Twenty-nine years, and she is still coming to terms with herself. We are all our own x-file. We are all taking ourselves apart and piecing ourselves back together and looking for meaning and losing our minds.

Missy reaches over the wooden arm of the seat and pats Scully’s hand. Scully is reminded that she hasn’t yet ruled out the possibility that her sister is a mind-reader.

“Dana?” a nurse calls. Her first name feels so secondary that Scully feels certain they’re calling someone else.

“Right here!” Missy responds, getting up and pulling her sister along with her. Scully tugs her sister’s sleeve like a child might, wonders if Missy has ever considered motherhood.

Once in the corridor, they separate. The nurse takes Scully to get her vitals checked, while Melissa seeks out waiting room D, where the nurse’s flat voice--already tired from hours on the job--told her to wait.

It is not long before her sister joins her there.

“How was it?” Missy asks before Dana even manages to sit down.

Scully shrugs. She turns her left hand to show the pink bandaid on her index finger. “My iron levels are above average.”

“That’s not serious, right?”

“No, it’s usually a good thing.”

They sit quietly, listening to the staticky alt rock song coming through the speakers. They are alone in this particular area, but nurses and doctors bustle just around the corner from them.

Scully regards her sister with a latent curiosity. “Have you ever thought about having children?”

Missy turns to her, laughs. “What?”

Scully is somewhat perturbed by her sister’s nonchalant reaction. “Do you want to be a mother?” she reiterates. “It’s not something we’ve talked about since we were kids, so I was wondering.”

“If my life unfolds that way, then surely I think I’d enjoy it. But I’m not prioritizing it.”

“Ahh.” Her sister has always had a particular reverence for destiny.

“And besides,” Missy continues, “it could be hard, you know, with Trinity and all.”

It takes Scully a moment to realize what she means. “Oh.” That’s something she’s never had to worry about herself. She runs her finger along the grooves of her bandaid, feels her heart clench up for her sister. “There’s always adoption.”

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s a long, drawn-out process from what I’ve heard.”

“Mmm.” Scully nods, wondering how two women could have two such conflicting problems.

Before she can voice the irony of this, another nurse pops out from around the corner, peers at a clipboard. “Dana Scully?” Her voice is bright and chipper.

“That’s me,” Scully says, raising a hand to show the bandaid, her battle scar.

“I’ll show you to your room.”

Missy pats Dana’s shoulder as she stands up. “I’ll stay here. Come get me if you need me.”

“Okay,” Scully breathes, grateful to be given her space yet to know support is right around the corner.

----------------

For someone that went to medical school--and enjoyed it, for that matter--Scully always feels much too out of place in a gynecology office. It’s nothing she hasn’t seen before. In textbook diagrams, in wall art, in her own flesh. Yet the 3D model of the reproductive system, the color-coded illustration of the uterus, and the various pamphlets on everything from STDs to birth control to what to expect postnatal smother her, serving as a fresh reminder that Catholicism’s tendency to repress haunts her still. She’s more bothered by her involuntary discomfort than what she sees.

Dr. Zapolsky enters, easing some of Scully’s nerves immediately. Tall and dark-skinned, she has been practicing medicine for 20 years, and Scully has been seeing her since she moved to Washington. She can be intimidating if you don’t know her, but she’s honest and extremely competent, two things Scully requires of her doctors. And herself.

“Hello, Dana.” Scully sits up straighter as the woman’s voice hits her eardrums. She’s admired Dr. Zapolsky for years, seeing her as an exemplary figure, someone that might have been a mentor to her had she put her medical degree to work. “What can I do for you today?”

There are few things Scully hates as much as being the patient. If she’s the patient, that means she has failed at being her own doctor. That means she didn’t know--and worse--didn’t think she could figure it out on her own.

She wrings her hands. “My cycle is over a week late, which is very concerning considering that it’s always been timely. I’ve been having migraines and nausea and nightmares, and I just know something is wrong.”

Dr. Zapolsky drops Scully’s file on the counter. “Well, the pregnancy portion of your urine test came back negative.”

“I took three drugstore pregnancy tests too, and they were all negative. That’s why I’m here.”

“Have you had any notable lifestyle changes over the past few months?” Dr. Zapolsky asks. “Anything out of the ordinary? Stress is a major contributor to fluctuations in the menstrual cycle, as I’m sure you know.”

Scully nods, gathers herself. Dr. Zapolsky is oblivious to the rabbithole she has just fallen into. “I was, um, abducted, about eight weeks ago, and I have no memory of it.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dana.” Dr. Zapolsky wheels her stool beside the medical chair. “We have a bit of catching up to do.”

“Yes,” Scully looks at her feet. They dangle a few inches above the tile like a child’s. Nothing new. She glances back at her doctor. “There isn’t much to say. I don’t know anything about what happened.”

“Well, tell me what you do know.” Then, seeing the apprehension on Scully’s face--”I’m not trying to play therapist, I just want to understand.”

Scully blinks slowly to keep from crying. It goes like this, it always does: she can manage the trauma until she has to say it out loud. This is a story no one wants to be in, but everyone wants to hear.

“I was taken by a man involved in a case that I worked on. Well, that my partner worked on, actually. I got involved--and long and complicated story short--the man broke into my apartment, bound my wrists and ankles, and stuffed me in his trunk. That’s the part I do remember. After the trunk, it’s all a blur really.”

The doctor furrows her brow. “How were you found?”

“I wasn’t found, I was returned. To the hospital. None of the staff had any idea how I got there, and I was bathed and cleaned by my abductors so no trace evidence was collected.”

“So no rape kit was done, then?”

Scully shakes her head.

The doctor uncrosses her legs, recrosses them with the opposite leg on top. “How long were you missing?”

“About a month...My mother bought me a gravestone, she didn’t think I would be found.” This is a detail she has never spoken out loud. Saying it feels like letting air out of an over-inflated balloon.

“I’m so sorry, Dana.” Dr. Zapolsky lifts a hand, then puts it back in her lap. “May I hug you?” Scully nods and lets herself be embraced, though she does not feel it necessary. “That sounds like a horrific ordeal.”

Scully shrugs as best she can with Dr. Zapolsky’s arms wrapped around her. “It comes with the job.” Always modest about her suffering, she is.

Dr. Zapolsky speaks into Scully’s ear. “No, I don’t think it does.”

The doctor lets go. Scully doesn’t say anything. She curls the fingers of her left hand around her right wrist and squeezes hard enough to be certain that it’ll leave a mark.

Dr. Zapolsky slides her stool back over to the counter, flips through Scully’s file.

“I’d say the best course of action is to start with a blood test. I’ll check a few hormone levels---follicle-stimulating, anti-mullerian, luteinizing. That’ll give some insight into your pituitary gland function and your egg reserve.”

Scully nods along. Those hormones are complicated names she barely remembers, but she trusts it’s the right course of action.

“With that, we can determine whether this is a symptom of a larger problem, or if it’s simply a result of the stress you’ve been under. It should only take a couple days to get the results back.”

Scully nods, bites her lip. More waiting.

“Have you been seeing a therapist by any chance?” Dr. Zapolsky asks.

Scully shakes her head. Dr. Zapolsky should know her better than that.

“Well, I highly recommend it even to those who have not gone through any trauma. And for a survivor, it can truly be life-changing.”

A survivor. What is she, a war hero? That word is fitting for her father, who lived on the sea and sought eternal rest there. Not her.

“Thank you, but I’m okay.” Scully cannot meet her doctor’s glance.

“If you need any referrals, I can give you some names.” Dr. Zapolsky is just trying to help, Scully knows this, but this is not the help she came here for.

“The FBI has an on-site psychologist,” she says to close the subject.

“Oh, what a wonderful resource.”

“Most definitely.” Scully smiles weakly and ducks her head, ready to get out of here.

-------

There are many things she is afraid of, but physical pain is not one of them. The unknown, slow but certain death--these are the things that spook Dana Scully. When you’ve spent years being told that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, you are prepared to suffer for honor.

This is simply the prick of a needle, a relinquishing. Doctors used to prescribe it as the cure for any ailment, believing it to vanquish toxins from the body. Med school would have been a lot simpler if that were true.

She watches the blood flow out of her veins and into the vial. Some people can’t look; she can’t look away. Missy is seated in the chair next to her, chin resting in her palm after her offer to hold Scully’s hand was rejected. She traces the path of her sister’s blue eyes as they slide from her arm to the vial in the nurse’s hand. Dana has never been afraid to look--that’s the problem.

In an instant, it is done. The nurse smooths a bandage over Scully’s skin, tells her they will call with the results in a few days. And then it is two sisters, going, going, gone.

----------

They have a pleasant ride home, a soft and sisterly evening in. The prospect of Dana going back to Aubrey in the morning never even comes up, much to Melissa’s relief. Perhaps the illusion of normalcy her sister pedals in her head has finally given way to their unreal reality. They don’t waste a moment on the uncertainty circling them, instead curling up on the couch with popcorn and gummy bears for another Golden Girls marathon.

“Which one do you think Mulder is?” Missy asks during a slow moment in the episode.

“Huh?” Scully laughs. “Which Golden Girl, you mean?”

“Uh-huh.” Missy pops a red gummy in her mouth. “Or is he too interesting to be pinned down?” she teases, mimicking the swoony non-answer he gave about Scully some weeks ago.

“I don’t know honestly,” she says, pushing a blanket out of her lap. “I’m not sure that I know him well enough to decide.”

“You’re kidding.” Missy glares at her. Clearly her sister has not dropped the illusion after all.

“No, I’m not,” Scully intones, getting up to refill the gummy bear bowl. “And that reminds me, he wanted me to call.” She glances at the clock. It’s half past 8 there, so surely Mulder is back in his motel room.

Missy isn’t letting her off the hook that easily. She follows her sister into the kitchen. “Dana, I guarantee that you know him better than anyone else in the world. If they conducted a test on every single living human being’s knowledge of Fox Mulder, you would get the highest score.”

“Knowledge isn’t the same as understanding,” Scully murmurs, dumping the remaining gummy bears into the bowl.

“I’ll give you that, but you know what? You do understand him, you’re just too afraid to confront it.”

Scully wants to recoil, but freezes in place instead. It’s just as dramatic but gives less away. After a breath, she crumples the plastic bag into a ball and dunks it swiftly into the wastebasket.

She speaks rigidly, each word cutting through the air. “If I understood him, there would be no fear.”

Missy feels this in her chest--the aching, the truth in her sister’s voice. Dana is as close to crying as she ever gets. Missy strides over, clasps her sister’s hands in hers. “You don’t have to be scared.” She pulls her little sister in, squeezes her heart to Dana’s own. “He loves you. And I’m not talking about in a romantic way--I don’t know, maybe--but just in general. He loves you, and he would never hurt you.”

Scully’s eyes are glassy with tears now, but Melissa cannot see this in the midst of their hug. “Haven’t you ever been hurt by someone who loves you?” She says into Missy’s ear. “We never mean it, but it happens. It happens all the time.”

“And then you apologize, and you go on. Being hurt once doesn’t mean being hurt forever.”

“It can.” Scully pulls away, wipes her cheeks before her sister can overanalyze.

“It won’t, not with Mulder. I know enough about him to know that.” She brushes her sister’s hair out of her face. “If anyone was going to cut off the relationship, it would be you.”

“Wha--” Scully gives up the protest. She is partial to burning bridges that are prone to collapse, a last-ditch attempt at dignity. Yet Mulder doesn’t strike her as a bridge that would burn even if she set it aflame. Maybe that’s worse though, it prolongs the struggle.

“Hurting him would be worse than getting hurt,” Scully mutters.

“Loving him would be better than not loving him,” Melissa responds.

“The correct phrasing of that argument is ‘loving him would be better than being loved,’ if you wanted to copy my logic.” Scully gets curt and analytical when she’s annoyed.

“Hmm, well, consider that too.”

Their eyes meet and Scully can tell that neither one of them is going to win. “I’ve got to call him before it gets too late.” They both know who he is. She turns on her heels and heads for her room.

--------

He didn’t pick up the first time she called, which scared her more than she’s willing to admit. She sat cross-legged on her bed until the phone rang again about twenty minutes later, until she heard his voice on the other line.

“Hey Scully, sorry, I was out wrapping up the case.”

“Wrapping up?” She doesn’t even bother to say hello. “It’s over?”

“Open and shut...or, err, something like that.”

“What happened?” Her voice strains for no reason. She clears her throat.

“I’ll catch you up some other time,” he says breezily. “How’s Melissa doing?”

For a moment, Scully forgets her lie and tries to figure out why he’s asking about her sister and not her. Then--”Oh! She’s okay, yeah, it was a sprain like we suspected. Nothing broken on the x-ray. She can just about walk normally now, I think she’ll be off crutches by tomorrow.” Embellish, embellish, embellish. Missy had taught her to lie in the 6th grade, and she finally had some use for that knowledge.

“That’s great! I’m flying back tomorrow morning, I can be at the office by 10 if you wanna meet me there.”

“Will you tell me about the case? And BJ? How is she?”

“I’ll...I’ll tell you that tomorrow, Scully.” There’s a bit of gravel in his voice, which Scully has noticed comes out when he’s tired or holding back.

“Fine. Should I assume that by 10, you mean 10:30?”

“Well, you know how the line at the Dulles Chick-fil-A gets,” he wisecracks.

Something goes wrong between her brain and her tongue as she goes to wrap up the conversation. “Alright, 10:30. Love you, bye.”

Mulder makes a noise like a stifled laugh or a cough that couldn’t be held in. “What was that, Scully?”

Her face is flushed, and she’s thankful he can’t see it. “Sorry, I’ve been talking to Missy on the phone a lot lately. Habit.” The voice flowing out of her sounds calm and collected, like that was just an honest mistake. In a way it was...a much too honest one that has made her anything but calm.

“Oh, is that who you say that to?” he teases.

She laughs. Surely he couldn’t think there’s anyone else, could he?

“Just Missy, and maybe my mom.” She says it like a promise. He hears it like a prayer. Unusual, for both of them.

“Bye, Mulder,” she says, ushering any sentimentality away.

“Bye, Scully. Hate you. Oh, sorry--that’s what I say to my dad on the phone.”

Scully giggles into the phone. She’s still giggling as she sets the phone back on the hook.

Even after the call flat-lines, Mulder holds the phone against his ear like it’s a seashell echoing Scully’s giggle back to him.

#thank u thank u thank u for reading #and your comments in the tags #i LOVE reading those #pls keep it up <3 #only the light fic #the x-files #the x-files fanfic #txf #fox mulder #dana scully #melissa scully #missy & scully fic #mine

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kilyra · 6 years

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I’m Done, Frank

Frank Castle (Punisher) One-Shot from prompt list

A/N: I received a request from @suitsofwo3 from List A: 100 Prompts of Angst: 25 - “If I let you in, you’ll hate what you find”, 43 - "Are you having nightmares again?", 28 - “I tried so goddamn hard to make this work. I walked the whole mile and you couldn’t even meet me halfway” and 44 - “I need to walk away but I can’t. I can’t leave you”. (I had to change the tense of a couple of the quotes in the story)

You and Frank have hit a rough patch due to him coming home bloodied and broken in the last few weeks but refusing to say why. For some reason, you’ve been accepting his half answers, but you finally get fed up.

Warning: It’s spoiler-free but contains bad language. I’m only a couple episodes into S2, but everything is vague in this one-shot anyhow. But I drop the Effbomb a few times!

It was the sharp and sudden moan that shook you out of your sleep. The noise wasn't one of pleasure, it was the tortured sound that someone asleep lets out when they're trying to scream but can't wake up enough.

But he did wake up.

Before you could react, Frank gasped and kicked out his feet as he sat up in the bed. You froze, not wanting to startle him and make things worse.

The moonlight streaming in through the bedroom window illuminated the sheen of sweat on his skin. He brought his shaking hand up to rub his face before running it over his hair.

Gingerly, you put your hand on his arm and spoke softly. “Are you having nightmares again?”

In a blur of motion, he was suddenly looming over you, firmly grabbing your shoulders. His eyes were wide and his nose flared as he pinned you. “If you ever see a man with scars all over his face, Y/n, you run. You hear me? You run.”

Gasping, it was all you could do to stop from screaming as you stared up into his half-crazed face. Suddenly, he blinked and looked down at you like he was just seeing you for the first time. His chest heaved and he let out a heavy breath.

“I-I'm sorry,” he murmured as he let go and backed out of bed, away from you. His intense stare broke from yours and his eyes trailed down the blanket. “You ok?”

“Y-yeah, I'm fine.” You couldn't help your stammer as your heart thudded against your chest.

Shooting you a quick side glance before breaking eye-contact again, he haltingly nodded. “Good. That's...that's good. Look I'm...I'm sorry...”

Refusing to look at you, he paced across the room and paused by the window. His eyebrows lowered as he looked outside.

Was he searching for something?

“Is everything ok?” Your voice was quiet and unsteady as you fought to control the adrenaline rush.

Grunting, he continued to look out the window, tilting his head to see further down the street. The silence drew on.

Not that you were surprised. The two of you had been fighting for weeks and ending a conversation with silence was becoming all too familiar.

“Hey...are you okay? Was it another bad dream?” This time, you spoke firmly. Maybe too firmly but that was almost your default setting lately.

His lips pinched together lightly before he shook his head. “It's nothing. I'm fine. Just...go back to sleep, okay?”

Letting out a long sigh, you rubbed your sore eyes. They were lined with sandpaper. “You're not fine. You clearly had a bad dream and now you're...I don't know, keeping watch?”

Sniffing loudly, he dismissively waved his hand.

"Frank, talk to me. You gotta let me in.”

His frown was pronounced as the corner of his lips dipped downward. “Nah, see if I let you in, you'll hate what you find. I can promise you that much.”

That was unexpected. Was he even awake? “That's not fair. Frank, I'm serious. I mean, what was that? A man with a scarred face? Is that real or...?”

Somehow, his eyebrows furrowed together even deeper as his eyes shifted to the side. “It's nothing. You're fine.”

Your pulse raced just a little harder at his non-answer. “Are you kidding me? That wasn't nothing – my heart is still pounding out of my chest. Don't tell me I'm fine.”

“Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to wake you and...” he said, his voice coming out gruff as he looked down at his hands.

“I don't want apologies. I want...” Your voice faltered. Distantly, the voice of reason begged you to let this go – both of you were half asleep and this was the wrong time.

But your pent-up anger pushed you forward. “I want to know what's going on. I need you to meet me halfway.”

Frank's head snapped back as though you slapped him. Finally turning towards you, his scowl was intense but, you were too frustrated to care.

“Are you kidding me right now? Halfway? I try so goddam hard to make this work. I walk the whole mile and you can't even meet me halfway.”

A rush ran through you and even your fingertips were left tingling as all the fights in the last while flashed through your mind. Most of them were when he was bloodied and bruised but stubbornly staying quiet on why.

“Seriously? The whole mile? Well then, where the fuck were you starting from, Frank? You come home, covered in bruises, cuts, and blood I'm sure isn't all yours. And when I try to find out what the hell happened, you just tell me it's fine and I'm safe. How is that walking the whole mile? Telling me I'm safe? Like that was ever in question!”

As you spat out your words, you saw his expression start to drop until finally, his jaw flexed as he tightly clenched it.

Wait...was your safety in question?

A sick feeling rose and you firmly swallowed it back. “Or was it? Was it in question? Am I in danger?”

He glanced back down to his hands.

“What the hell, Frank? Are you serious?”

Not only did his eyes snap back to yours, but he stepped forward, reaching out to you. “No, Y/n, you're not. I always make sure of that. Look, just...can we just forget all of this? I'm tired, I'm not thinking straight. Please, can we just talk about this tomorrow?”

Something snapped.

Shuffling back, out of his reach, you swung your feet over the side of the bed. Heading over to the closet, you flung it open and started digging for your suitcase. You wanted away. He had been lying to you, through omission, while your safety could be on the line?

Searching the closet, you muttered just loud enough to be heard. “Meet you half way? Are you fucking serious? I've been walking, I've been trying to meet you halfway, but I don't even know what direction you're pointing. I've just been wandering aimlessly and I'm lost. I'm so fucking lost. And now? Now I'm in danger?? No. No way. That's some serious bullshit. I'm done. I'm so fucking done..."

“Whoa, hey Y/n, hold up for a second.” The mix of confusion, fear, and panic was clear in his tone.

You refused to look at him. The last thing you needed was to see his dark, puppy dog eyes silently pleading with you.

Finding your suitcase, you tugged hard on the handle to pull it out from under the pile of crap where it was trapped. You weren't trying to be dramatic. You were trying to make a smart move.

Snapping it open, you started grabbing your clothes from the dresser. "No. No, I won't. I'm done, Frank. I kept hoping that maybe your big secret was you were in a fight club or something equally stupid and testosterone filled. But now? I just..."

He came into view from the corner of your eye as he moved to stand in front of the door. You didn't look up at him, but you could feel him staring at you.

Even without seeing them, his dark eyes pleaded with you.

Fine.

Forcing yourself to look his direction, you finished. “Obviously I can't meet you halfway. You won't let me. I don't even know what that would look like anymore. And honestly? I think I already knew that. I knew I needed to walk away but I couldn't. I couldn't leave you...but now...”

Letting out a deep sigh, Frank's shoulders gathered in a shrug before bobbed his head slightly. “You're right.”

Everything fell still. You knew you were right, but as your heart jumped into your throat, it was obviously not what you wanted to hear.

Steeling yourself, you looked into his eyes as you kept your expression neutral.

Staring at you, his throat worked as he swallowed a couple times. “You're right, Y/n. I've been trying hard to make sure my shit didn't come to your doorstep because I don't want you involved. But keeping you on the outside is tearing us apart. There are things you deserve to know.”

The grip on your suitcase loosened and your hand slipped as you half turned towards him. Although your heart still racing, you couldn't help but pause. “What things?”

Franks' eyes went dull as he silently looked away.

And there's the classic shut down.

Sighing, you turned back to grab more from the dresser.

“Wait. Can you just...just give me until tomorrow? Can you do that?”

The fight drained from you, leaving you more skeptical than angry. Getting to your feet, you crossed your arms. “Really? Why until tomorrow?”

Stepping towards you, Frank gently placed his hands on your arms. The faint scent of his aftershave surrounded you as he closed the gap. "Because this doesn't just involve me. You want answers, I get that. But I need to talk with my contact first so I can do this right.”

As though he could sense your hesitation he moved even closer until you could feel the heat radiating from his bare chest. You were forced to look up to maintain eye contact and realize just how close he was. “What does that even mean?”

Sighing, Frank leaned forward and pressed his forehead against yours. When you didn't resist, his arms slid around to rest along the small of your back. “It means I don't want to lose you. And I'll explain everything tomorrow, yeah?”

That was all you were going to get. But it was enough.

“Okay, tomorrow,” you agreed softly as you uncrossed your arms. Settling your hands his chest, you felt the smooth bumps of old scars contrasting his soft skin as you lightly traced circles on his skin.

His heart rate seemed to pick up under your hands but his anxious expression softened with relief. Slowly and firmly, his thumb fanned across the thin fabric of your top as he closed his eyes.

Each brush of his fingers was fire on your skin. “And the meantime...should we get some sleep?”

Softly, he hummed, not offering a real answer. His hands dipped slightly as he pressed his fingertips against your hips, pulling you against him. A faint smile flashed across his lips as his eyes darted down to your mouth.

Raising your eyebrow, you managed to catch his eye. “Frank...are you planning on distracting me with sex?”

He let out a nervous-sounding scoff as a lopsided grin broke out. “You saying that would work?”

Trying to contain your smile as you bit your lip, you glanced to the side and offered a small shrug.

As he nodded against your forehead, he let out a low chuckle. “In that case...yes ma'am, I am.”

#frank castle x reader #punisher x reader #the punisher

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flowers-creativity · 5 years

Text

Breathing

Fandom: Stranger Things Characters: Steve Harrington, Dustin Henderson, Lucas Sinclair, Max Mayfield, Jim Hopper, Mike Wheeler, Will Byers, Eleven | El | Jane Hopper, Jonathan Byers, Nancy Wheeler, Joyce Byers Warnings: Injuries, concussions, aspiration, vomiting, respiratory arrest, spoilers for S2 Ep09: The Gate

Summary: It had been a brief moment of panic, and then Dustin had said he was okay. And he had forgotten about it. There was so much to worry about, El, Will, even Steve. It had simply slipped his mind. But Dustin had said he was okay, right? Right?!

The aftermath after the Gate closed.

After the lights have died down, they pile back into the car. Steve is driving, slow and slightly shaky, but it's a considerable improvement over how they got to the pumpkin patch, even if Max is complaining most of the way that she could do better now that he's not distracting her. Mike hardly listens, his mind buzzing with his worry for El and Will. The way the headlights had brightened is making him hopeful but there were a lot of demodogs rushing towards her and Hopper, and there's no telling how things went for Will and his family …

When they get to the Byers house, Jonathan's car is parked in front, and the door is open. Steve has barely stopped the car when Nancy comes flying out of the house, frantic. “Mike! Steve!” Dustin is first out of the car, having ridden shotgun, and catches her hands, stopping her. “They're okay, Nancy, we're all okay,” he assures her with a bright grin. “How's Will? How're you?”

Nancy lets him stop her but her eyes are still roving over the unfamiliar car and the kids clambering out of it. “Will is okay but – where the hell have you been? Whose car – isn't that the car of that new guy, Billy?” Mike finally makes it out of the car, and she frees herself from Dustin's grip to rush over to him and envelop him in a hug. He freezes for a moment but then brings his hands up to hug her back. “We drove to the pumpkin patch to make a distraction for El,” he explains.

“Is Billy still here?” Max asks, and there is a definite edge of nervousness to her voice, despite the bravado she had displayed earlier.

Jonathan has followed Nancy out, if a bit more slowly, and he shakes his head at Max' question as he also takes in the bedraggled teens assembling before them on the front lawn. “There was no one here – especially not you guys! What were you thinking?” he demands, and Mike glares at him over Nancy's shoulder. “We couldn't just sit around and wait. We had to help!” he insisted.

Nancy releases him from her embrace, holding him at arm's length by his upper arms and glaring at him. “We'll talk about that,” she says, and he suppresses an eye roll. “Anyway, get in there,” she continues but is interrupted by Jonathan who says, “Steve?!”, and they all wheel around as if they had forgotten that he was supposed to be there, too.

Steve is still standing on the other side of the Camaro, at the open driver's side door, but standing might be too generous a term – he's gripping the edge of the door tightly and leaning against it as if it's all that's keeping him upright. “I'm just – I'm just dizzy,” he says blearily, waving one hand.

Nancy is at his side in a flash, and Mike is left feeling both relieved and strangely disappointed that she's no longer concentrating on him. “What happened?” she asks, her hands hovering worriedly at the sides of Steve's swollen, bruised face, and Dustin and Lucas launch into telling her and Jonathan about Billy and Steve's fight and Max's rescue. Mike doesn't join in, too – instead, he glances at Steve, wondering how it happened that he's now worrying about him when a few days ago, he was just Nancy's annoying boyfriend. Seeing him defend one of his friends and saving his life down in the tunnels might have something to do with that, he supposes.

Jonathan circles the car and pulls Steve's arm over his shoulder. “Let's get you inside,” he says, ignoring Steve's protests. “You might have a concussion, and you shouldn't have been driving and doing … whatever you've been doing.” He sends a glare at the kids, and Mike ducks his head sheepishly. Well, he had advocated for leaving him here! Though, given that Billy had obviously woken up before Nancy and the Byers had come back, that could have turned out not all that well for Steve, too …

Nancy ushers them inside, followed by Jonathan and Steve (still protesting). Inside, Mrs. Byers is sitting with Will who's half propped up against the couch cushions and looks exhausted and sweaty but awake and like himself, and Mike feels a big weight lift from him. “Will!” he calls, and Lucas and Dustin do, too, as they rush over to him, and he gives them a shaky smile. “Hey.”

Mrs. Byers' relief is evident in her tone as she greets them, too, though it's short-lived when she sees Jonathan helping Steve inside, and she quickly snaps into Mom mode. Steve might need a nurse, not a mom, but they don't have that, so it'll have to do. She leads him to a seat and starts checking out his injuries, with Nancy hovering close by worriedly. Mike drops down on the couch next to Will, and Dustin and Lucas sit down in front of him. He notices Max hovering near the door, and he's feeling pretty magnanimous right now, so he waves her over to come to join the circle of friends.

Still, there is tension in him he can't shake, so his eyes wander back to the door immediately. Where are Hopper and El? Are they okay? What is taking them so long?! The others are talking but he can't concentrate on what they are saying, becoming more anxious by the minute.

At one point, Will places a hand on his arm, and when he turns to look at him, his friend gives him a soft smile. “They're okay, Mike. El is okay,” he tells him, and something about how Will says it keeps the usual stubborn rebellious scepticism in Mike from welling up. True sight, something in him whispers, and he wonders if that's it, if Will really can know and see more now, or if there is some kind of bond established between Will and El ever since she could see and speak to him in the Upside-Down. Or maybe he just can trust in the conviction in Will's voice because he knows they are survivors, both of them. He doesn't know how they do it – God, he barely survived the last year, and all he had to do was live with losing her. They're idle thoughts but they're better to think about than his anxiety, and he manages to not let his gaze be drawn back to the door but look around the room for a bit. Nancy looks at him over Steve's head who sits slumped against her while Mrs. Byers is cleaning his face with some cotton balls. He meets his sister's eyes, and her face is harried with worry and everything that happened today, but she smiles through it at him for a moment, and it's good.

And finally, finally, there's the sound of a car pulling up outside, doors slamming, and he's on his feet when the door opens and Hopper and Eleven come in. She's alive and walking, even if Hopper is supporting her with an arm around her shoulders and her face is pale and streaked with blood. Mike rushes towards her, taking her hand. “El, are you okay? You really did it?”

She just nods, giving him her small smile, and he feels relief rush through his body, leaving him almost lightheaded. He pulls her towards himself, and Hopper lets go of her surprisingly easily so he can help her over to the couch. Dustin and Lucas greet her boisterously, Will slightly less so, but he smiles at her as Mike gets her situated next to him. Max looks wary, an outsider in the group again, and he thinks that they really need to talk because she did drive a car for them today and went into the tunnels with them, and Lucas really likes her, and Dustin, too, and maybe they could use a Zoomer in the group after all, even if it's a stupid made-up class that doesn't exist. But not today. Tomorrow.

Mrs. Byers is coming over to greet Hopper, and they talk quietly – Mike doesn't pay attention until Hopper walks over to Steve and pulls him to his feet and Dustin perks up. “Hey! What's going on?” he asks.

“He needs to go to the hospital,” Hopper replies brusquely, and Dustin immediately jumps up. “I'm coming, too!”

The Chief shakes his head. “No, you're not.” He glowers at Dustin who shrinks a bit from his gaze but then visibly steels himself. “Yes, I am!”

Mrs. Byers intervenes, putting a soft hand on Dustin's shoulder. “Sweetheart, it's better when you stay here – we're all exhausted, you need to get some rest, and Hopper will take good care of him, I promise.”

Steve stops Hopper's forward progress and reaches out a hand to Dustin, giving him a slightly pained smile. “It's okay, bud,” he says. “I'll be back in no time, you'll see.”

“But--” Dustin tries to protest again but then deflates. He steps up to Steve and hugs him tightly, and Steve puts his hand on Dustin's head in a gesture that looks surprisingly caring. Mike really doesn't know where all of that is coming from but he's too tired to figure it out. So Dustin is now friends with Steve Harrington, why not.

“I'm coming with you,” Nancy speaks up at that moment, and both Steve and Hopper start at that, turning to her. “You need to concentrate on the road, so you'll need someone to keep an eye on him during the drive,” she tells Hopper, and there is steel in her eyes as they meet his. Steve starts to protest but she cuts him off. “No, Steve, please. Let me just-- Let me take care of you. We'll figure the rest out in the morning.” Her face is softer when she turns her gaze from Hopper to him but there's just as much unbending obstinacy in it.

Hopper sighs and waves a hand. “Whatever, then come,” he says, and Steve doesn't seem to have it in him to do much more arguing, either. Nancy rushes over to Mike and gives him a quick hug – wow, they have been hugging a lot more in the last couple of hours than all of last year, he thinks stupidly – and then hugs Jonathan, too. “Take care of Mike for me, please?” he hears her say to Will's brother, and he feels a bit of annoyance in response to that because he doesn't need anyone to take care of him, they're safe now, and El is here, and he's good. But he doesn't say that out loud, just watches as she bustles after Hopper and Dustin returns to the friends group, looking as if he's swallowing back tears. Mike reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder, gives it a short squeeze, and Dustin shoots him an embarrassed but still thankful look.

Mrs. Byers then makes good on the idea of everyone getting some rest. There's a short conflict when she tries to get the girls to take one of her sons' rooms. Max argues loudly that she wants to stay, she won't stay with Eleven who she doesn't really know, and besides, they're just going to sleep, it's just stupid. El doesn't argue, she simply says: “No.” and then, “I'm staying with Mike.” It makes him blush, and Dustin and Lucas are elbowing each other and snickering until he glares at them. Finally, Mrs. Byers gives up but she's less lenient about Will staying with them, and Will gives in when she looks at him pleadingly, saying: “I just need to have you close by, baby, or I won't be able to close my eyes tonight.”

“Okay, Mom,” he says and lets her take him into her bedroom while Jonathan drags two mattresses into the living room and pulls out any spare cushions and blankets they have.

Mike and El wind up on one of the mattresses, Lucas, Max and Dustin on the other, and Jonathan turns the lights off and disappears into his own bedroom. For a bit, Mike just lays there, revelling in the knowledge that all of his friends are here and safe, even her, and he reaches out in the dark and links his fingers with hers. “I'm so glad you're back,” he whispers and feels her squeeze his hand. “Me too,” she murmurs, and he drifts off to sleep holding her hand.

***

Mike doesn't know what wakes him up but when he opens his eyes, it is still dark. He knows it was pretty late when they went to bed, so shouldn't it be morning by now? Maybe what had woken him was Hopper and Nancy coming back – with or without Steve? He listens but there are no sounds outside of a car being parked – just the wind rattling the piece of cardboard they had used to cover the window El had thrown the demodog through.

He is almost falling back asleep when there's another sound, this one sounding like a whimper, coming from the other mattress – he can't tell who it was but someone is shifting over there slightly. Then everything is quiet again. Maybe a nightmare? They're all no strangers to nightmares since last year, and he guesses it wouldn't be a surprise if Max did share this dubious honour with them, too, after today.

There's another sound. This one sounds … wet, like a gurgling, choking noise, and Mike sits up and peers over at the others as well as he can in the dark – which isn't all that good, all things considered. “Hey guys, you okay?” he asks into the sleepy silence because something about that sound makes worry pool in his gut like acid.

“Hmm, whassat, Mike?” Lucas asks, halfway coherent. El's answer is a soft “Mike?” Max mumbles something that he doesn't understand but he can hear her clearly enough. And then there is a sharp, stinging smell invading his nostrils that he recognises after a moment. It smells like vomit. And he didn't hear Dustin say anything.

There's another of these choking sounds, and this time, he feels panic slam into him. “Lucas, turn on the light!” he shouts but it's El who does it – he knows because he feels her shift a bit next to him, and then the living room is flooded with light before Lucas can even get up. Mike blinks a few times against the sting of the light in his eyes and then looks over at his friends. At Dustin who is laying next to Lucas and who looks as if he's still asleep. Except that he's pale, paler than he was when they went to bed, and there are a few bubbles of spit and vomit at the corner of his mouth and a narrow trail of it running down his cheek.

They all sit frozen for a moment, a minute, a century, and then chaos breaks loose. They're shouting Dustin's name, all of them, and Lucas grabs his shoulders and is shaking him. God, his head is lolling like Steve's did when they loaded him into the car. The door bursts open, and Jonathan comes charging in, holding the rifle Nancy had had earlier. “What is it, what is happening?” he shouts but then sees the kids clustered around Dustin and runs over to them, dropping the rifle and reaching out for Dustin. He turns his head to shout “Mom – Mom!”, then looks back at the younger teenagers around him, his eyes blown wide with a different kind of horror. “Lucas, let go,” he orders, and Lucas reluctantly does. “What happened?”

“I don't, I don't know,” Mike says, his lips feeling strangely numb, “he must have started throwing up in his sleep but he didn't wake up. Why isn't he waking up, Jonathan?!”

Jonathan doesn't answer, his attention on Dustin – he is turning him onto his side until the trickle of vomit becomes a stream as it flows from Dustin's mouth. But he's still not moving, and his lips are tinged blue, and Mike feels like he is the one suffocating. Mrs. Byers runs in and stops a few steps away from them, her hands going to her mouth as she takes in the scene. Then she falls down on her knees next to Jonathan who is turning Dustin back onto his back and bows his head over his face, listening, and then pressing two fingers to his throat. “Pulse is there,” he says, and Mike is so thankful that Jonathan seems to know what he's doing that he's bursting with it, “but--” he glances at the kids around him and drops his voice as if he doesn't want them to hear but they're crowded so close around them that they hear him anyway, “he's not breathing.”

“No!” Mike hears Lucas shout, and El grabs Mike's hand and squeezes it hard enough to hurt. “Dustin?!” she says, sounding so lost that it would hurt if he could feel anything other than the overwhelming terror of those three words.

“Okay,” Mrs. Byers says, with a strange business-like tone as she moves around to kneel on the other side of Dustin's head, heedless of the vomit pooling there and soaking into her jeans. “Keep checking his pulse and tell me if something changes. Be ready to start compression.” Jonathan nods as if he knows what she's talking about while Mike knows he has heard those terms at one point, in those medical dramas his Gran used to watch all the time, probably, but right now his mind is empty with only one thought in it – Dustin isn't breathing, Dustin isn't breathing, Dustin isn't breathing. Mrs. Byers tilts Dustin's head upwards, pinching his nose closed with one hand, and starts blowing air into his mouth. Mike stares at her, transfixed, until someone is bumping into him and he tears his eyes away for a moment to find Will pushing into the circle of kids, his eyes huge as he looks at his mom and Dustin's still face beneath her. Mike puts an arm around his shoulders and pulls him close, and they watch and wait, terrified, while Mrs. Byers is trying to breathe for Dustin, while Jonathan has a hand on his neck, feeling for his pulse, ready to spring into action any moment, and it seems as if time has all but stopped.

When Mrs. Byers pulls back once again to take a deep breath herself, Dustin jerks slightly, a weak cough coming out of his mouth. She leans forward again, her ear over his face, and places a hand on his chest, too. Mike thinks when he looks at her hand very, very closely, he can see it moving but he isn't sure. He isn't sure.

She straightens and runs a shaking hand through her hair. “Turn him on his side,” she tells Jonathan who quickly complies.

“Is-- Is he okay?” Mike asks, his voice shaking. She turns to look at him and hesitates for what might only be a second but what feels like an eternity. “He's-- he'll be okay, honey,” she assures him, and he knows he can trust her, he knows that, but it still doesn't do much to dispel the terror because she doesn't sound sure enough, and Dustin hadn't been breathing.

“I'll get the car started. You carry him,” she says to Jonathan, and then she's gone, and Jonathan is gathering Dustin up in his arms carefully.

“What – where are you taking him?” Lucas asks. Jonathan just says, “Hospital”, and gets up. Max and Lucas scramble to get out of his way, and then they're all trailing behind him as he carries Dustin out of the house. It's only when he slides into the back of his mom's car that Mike realises they're going to leave them here, and he shoots forward. “You can't just leave us here,” he protests, “let us come!”

Mrs. Byers leans out of the driver's side window and shakes her head. “I'm sorry, sweetheart, but we can't. Jonathan needs to be able to concentrate on Dustin and me on the road. I'm sorry. I'll send Jonathan back to get you once we're there, okay? We're taking good care of him, I promise. Take care,” she says, speaking quickly and not giving him a chance to say anything. She gives all of them a shaky smile. “It'll be okay,” she promises, and then she presses the accelerator, and they are left standing in front of the Byers' house, and Dustin is gone.

***

Mike barely remembers how he got inside again. They end up on the couch, him in the middle and Will and Lucas next to him on both sides. The girls are sitting perched on the arm rests, as if in quiet understanding that Dustin was the boys' friend first, so they need to be close to each other right now.

He is feeling strangely abandoned, even though he had been thinking that he didn't need anyone to take care of him just a few hours ago. Right now, he really wishes Nancy was here, or Mrs. Byers or Jonathan – hell, he'd even take Steve Harrington or Hopper, even if those two probably wouldn't be giving him a hug that he somehow really wants right now. But the thought makes him feel guilty because damn it, Nancy and Hopper need to take care of Steve who had been hurt protecting Lucas, and Jonathan and Mrs. Byers are taking care of Dustin who hadn't been breathing, and here he is, whining – if only inside his head – about wanting someone older than him to be around and give him a hug and tell him it would be okay.

He sags forward, burying his head in his hands. He still doesn't know how it even happened, why Dustin had started throwing up in his sleep but didn't wake up – but then he remembers how they had rescued Hopper from the tunnels. He had been taken away by the lab people to be cleaned up and treated but Mike had heard him telling Mrs. Byers when he got back – “I'm fine, Joyce, just threw up everything I ate yesterday, hell, all week probably”. And when they had been down in the tunnels, Dustin had been sprayed in the face by one of the strange bulbs down there … But Hopper had been down there much longer than Dustin, and he was fine, and they had had the masks and goggles … But Hopper was also about twice Dustin's size …

And he had forgotten about it. It had been a brief moment of panic, and then Dustin had said he was okay. And he had forgotten about it. There was so much to worry about, El, Will, even Steve. It had simply slipped his mind. But Dustin had said he was okay, right? Right?!

Except he wasn't, and none of them had thought of telling anyone, and then Dustin had thrown up in his sleep and hadn't woken up and hadn't been breathing …

He's dimly aware that his hands are grasping his hair hard enough to hurt, and his throat is working around a sound that might be a sob. There are hands touching his shoulder and back, and there are voices around him, muffled as if he's got water in his ears. What finally breaks through is when El places a hand on his knee and reaches out to touch his face with the other, saying softly: “Mike?” He somehow manages to raise his head, and she is kneeling in front of him, her face drawn tight with worry, Max hovering by her shoulder. He guesses that means that the hands on his shoulder and back belong to Lucas and Will. “Are you okay?” she asks.

He wants to nod, say something, tell her he is okay, because he is okay, he needs to be okay. But he shakes his head instead, and what's coming out of his mouth is: “It's my fault.”

There is a shout of protest – Lucas, he thinks – and El shakes her head decisively but he presses on: “I've forgotten that he swallowed that stuff down in the tunnels, and I knew it had made Hopper sick, and I should have told someone, anyone, that this bulb thing had sprayed him in the face, and it was my idea to go down there because all I could think of was helping you, and Dustin even managed to get Dart to let us through and almost got eaten by the demodogs, and I completely forgot about that stuff, and--” The sob that has been building up in his throat finally bursts forth, and he screws his eyes shut tight. It doesn't keep the tears from spilling over, though. “And now he's got sick in his sleep and wasn't breathing, and it's all my fault!”

“Don't be stupid, man,” Lucas says harshly, and he flinches. “You know we all wanted to help El, Dustin, too, and it was kinda even his idea since he remembered that thing with the hive mind, and--” He stops, blows a breath through his nose and gives Mike's shoulder a light shove. “Doesn't matter, anyway. It's not your fault, and blaming yourself won't help anyone.”

“Yeah,” Will chimes in, his voice gentle, and Mike turns his head to see him looking at him with large, concerned eyes, “please don't do that to yourself. Dustin wouldn't want you to, you know that.”

“But--” he tries to protest but he actually has no idea what he wants to say, and he just ends up sniffling and not saying anything at all.

There's a slim pale hand reaching for his wrist, over El's hand which has taken his when he had let go of his hair, and Max sits down next to her on the floor. “If it's any help,” she says, and it's the softest he's ever heard her talking, “I get it. Because if I hadn't been here, if I didn't have a step-brother that's such a shitstain--” she shakes her head, red hair flying, “he wouldn't have attacked Lucas, and Steve wouldn't have been hurt.” Lucas is starting to object but she waves him off. “So I get it. But it doesn't help, so … Just don't, okay?”

El isn't joining in on their reassurances but she's sitting in front of him, just looking at him with those dark, dark eyes and holding his hand, and it helps him calm down just as much as their words. It takes him a bit but he finally wipes away the tears and just sits, feeling all of them around him, and it's a relief to know that they don't blame him. He's not sure he's stopped blaming himself but at least the overwhelming pressure of his guilt has lifted somewhat.

They're quiet, all of them, exhausted and sore and emotionally overwhelmed, and the silence stretches and engulfs them until Mike loses all sense of time. He couldn't say if it's a few minutes or an hour when the sound of tires on gravel makes all of them look up. Lucas jumps up and looks out of the window. “It's Jonathan,” he calls, and they all scramble to their feet. They're out on the porch by the time he comes up to it, and he gives them a tired smile.

“Is Dustin okay?” Mike asks, his throat feeling so tight again that he has to force the words out, because what if Jonathan says no, what if …? Suddenly, not knowing seems to be the preferable alternative.

“Yeah,” Jonathan says with a nod, and there's an audible rush of relief going through the group, “I mean, they took him in for treatment, and I didn't wait to hear what the doctor has to say because I wanted to come get you guys. But we got him there, and they're taking good care of him.”

He waves to them to follow to his car, and they squeeze into it. The drive to the hospital is quiet and tense, and none of them waits for Jonathan to park the car when he lets them out at the entrance but rush inside.

Will sees his mother first, and he runs over to her. “Mom!” Mike is hot on his heels, and so are the others. “Where is Dustin? Is he okay? What did the doctor say?” They're all speaking over each other, and it takes Hopper who is sitting with Mrs. Byers saying sharply: “Hey!” to get them to shut up enough for her to actually answer their questions.

“He's fine, sweeties, don't worry. They're keeping him here for a bit to give him oxygen and make sure he doesn't get sick again but he'll be just fine,” she says, smiling at them.

Hopper, meanwhile, narrows his eyes at El. “What are you doing here?” he demands. She looks back at him, unflinching, and just says: “To see Dustin.” The Chief glances at the hospital workers and people milling around, and Mike remembers the altercation when El had appeared. He takes El's hand and glares at him. This is about Dustin, the second friend El ever made, the second person to trust her and see her for what she is, a girl their age, mind powers notwithstanding. Hopper may want to protect her but he can't take this from her.

Hopper glances at Mrs. Byers, then takes a deep breath, scrubbing his hand over his face. He lets it drop back into his lap and finally says: “Yeah, okay. But after that, we're going back to the cabin, you hear me?”

El holds his gaze a bit longer, then nods, apparently satisfied. “Can we go see him?” Lucas asks, impatiently. Mrs. Byers nods, getting to her feet. “His mom is with him but I'll ask if it's okay if you come in,” she says. Before she can start leading them away, though, Mike holds up a hand to stop her.

“Chief – Mrs. Byers,” he says earnestly if a bit rushed, keeping his voice low to prevent the people around them from hearing, “Dustin got sprayed in the face by one of those bulb things while we were down there.” He feels a new wave of guilt rush through him but pushes the feeling away. If he didn't do enough to help Dustin before, the least he can do now is make sure that Hopper and Mrs. Byers know what's going on so they can prevent anything else happening. “He said he was okay but I think that's what made him sick, like you were after Mrs. Byers and Bob got you out of the tunnels,” he explains, looking at Hopper. “I-- I forgot to tell you when we got back because there was so much going on ...” His voice stutters and almost fails on the last few words.

The Chief scratches his beard thoughtfully. “Yeah, that might have been it,” he agrees. “Thanks for telling us, kid.” He doesn't scold him for not doing so earlier, and Mike feels almost disappointed at that, as if it could ease his guilt somehow if he had to pay for his forgetfulness. “Obviously, not something we can tell the doctors here,” Hopper continues, sharing a look with Mrs. Byers, “but we'll keep an eye on it and everything. Don't worry, okay?” He puts a hand on Mike's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. Mike doesn't know what to feel about this man, the one who hid El and lied to them for a whole year but who also held him, apologising repeatedly, when anger turned to pain and he was crying out almost a year of heartbreak, and who went with El and brought her back safely from closing the gate. It might take him a while to sort all of that out, but he knows, at least, that he trusts Hopper enough to believe he's really trying to protect all of them. He nods, then steps back, avoiding everyone's eyes.

Max uses this moment to ask: “What about Steve? Is he okay?” Hopper startles a bit, turning to her, and says: “Oh, yeah, he's okay. Well, he's got a concussion, some stitches, a broken nose, not to mention all those bruises, but nothing that won't heal. Nancy is with him.” Max smiles at him, relieved, then follows as Mrs. Byers beckons for them to come along.

She makes them wait outside the room as she disappears inside; they hear her say: “Claudia?” and then some back and forth between her and Mrs. Henderson, until she pops her head into the corridor again and waves them forward.

They're all a bit hesitant as they shuffle into the room. It's not that Mike doesn't like Mrs. Henderson, Dustin's mom is lovely (if a bit too much at times) – but she doesn't know about everything, and now her son is in the hospital, and they can't really tell her what happened. He briefly thinks that they should have asked Hopper and Mrs. Byers what they have told her so none of them can slip up. But then he steps into the room and walks up to the bed and forgets about that.

Dustin is still very pale, and there is a breathing mask strapped over his mouth and nose, emitting faint hissing sounds every other second. His mom is sitting at the side of his bed, holding his hand and looking slightly disheveled. She smiles sweetly at the group of kids, nevertheless, and greets them: “Hi, kids.”

There's a general chorus of “Hi.” and “Good morning.” and “Hello, Mrs. Henderson.”. They surround the bed, and Dustin smiles at them through the breathing mask. He raises his hand to take it off but his mom is quick to intercept him.

“No, Dusty,” she says severely, “you know the doctor said you need to keep that on. And no talking!”

Dustin mumbles a muffled “Mom!”.

Mike smiles even if it still feels a bit forced. “It's okay, Henderson – you can talk our ears off again tomorrow or so,” he says, patting his friend's shoulder. Lucas is quick to join in: “Yeah, we never get you to shut up otherwise, so it'll be a nice break.” He grins at him mischievously.

Dustin rolls his eyes – if his mom wasn't right there, he might have flipped them off, but as it is, eye rolling is all he can do. Still, seeing him react so normally to their teasing makes the fear and guilt that has been tying Mike's stomach into knots ease up.

“Hey,” he says more softly, “I'm really glad you're okay.” The others rush to chime in, the relief and exhaustion after the last few hours or days spilling over, and there is a lot of hugging Dustin – “Careful, boys,” his mom reprimands them gently – and touching his arm and holding his hand which Mike is sure Lucas, Will and him and possibly Max would be very embarrassed about at any other time. But it's not any other time, and right now they need that tangible reminder of him being close and safe and okay.

They stay a bit longer, talking to Dustin even if he can't really answer (and looks as if it's killing him at times to keep back a very good quip) and carefully avoiding to talk about the events of the last days with Mrs. Henderson there, until Mike notices El's shoulders beginning to droop with exhaustion, and Mrs. Henderson and Mrs. Byers insist that Dustin needs to rest and so do the rest of them. They might be right because Mike knows he feels absolutely beat. But at the same time, he feels as if a huge burden has been taken off him as he walks out of the room, holding El's hand.

El is back, and she is okay, Will is himself again, and he is okay, and Dustin will be okay, and so will Steve. They will all be okay.

#stranger things #breathing #breathing story #dustin henderson #mike wheeler #Lucas Sinclair #eleven #Max Mayfield #jim hopper #joyce byers #jonathan byers #nancy wheeler #will byers

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redshirtrights · 5 years

Text

return to tomorrow

[tos s2 ep 20]

got my soup. got my crackers. ready 4 star trek

SULU IS BACK!!

do you think spock is just so tired of being expected to know everything bc he’s a vulcan?

sargon? could u perhaps be named for sargon the first akkadian king? flexes my art history muscles.

actually wait. where the fuck is mr. chekov?

“mr. spock we can’t both be off the ship.” do u have no faith in scotty? do u kirk?

put me in starfleet. i am the biggest of champion of captain scotty.

sargon. sir. you can just SAY please bring spock you don’t have to shut down the entire goddamed ship.

why does bones always have to go down. why did he sign up for cmo.

scotty expressing concern...spock reassuring him with logical data. big love you.

i love star trek’s trope of kirk just being...awestruck? by beautiful women he’s never run into on board.

LMAO THOSE TWO RED SHIRTS NOT GETTING BROUGHT ALONG.

ya’ll are SAFE BABES. sargon thanks for red shirt rights.

i also love that shot of scotty with his arms crossed leaning against the con....scotty....

hey it’s me! your everyday talking orb!

omg at stlv19 me and @protovulcan went to a panel about why most star trek life is humanoid and one of the theories he talked about was how we’re all descended from one visiting alien species that spread their “seed” and he played a clip from this episode.

it always makes me laugh like...imagine being will shatner and having to act at this orb.

bones...pulling out his gun immediately.

not to empathize but uh imagine being fully sentient but not being able to see, feel, or anything ew

bones really is along for the ride.

literally love that in between shots they sprayed kirk with water or something to make him look exhausted.

this is kind of cute....kirk is so eager to help even if it hurts you.

AAJDFJHEJKAH THIS JUMP CUT FROM “aaaah yes if you decide against us you may leave freely” TO SCOTTY GOING: “YOU’RE GOING TO DO WHAT??!!”

“are they alright in the head, doctor??!!”

“no comment”

in times like these. we ship scones.

them seducing scotty to approve it by saying there’s gonna be sexy new technology

yeah you know..I KNOW that bones is concerned about everyone’s health but like, i feel like sometimes he comes off as unwilling to help simply bc he doesn’t like aliens.

this is a REALLY good kirk speech.

“risk is our business!” this is SOO GOOD.

EPOS SPOCK IS HORNY.

this fucking deep echo filter they put over spock talking is HOT.

BAHAHAHAH SO KIRK AND RED SHIRT LADY ARE HAVING THEIR ROMANTIC REUNION AND IT CUTS TO CHAPEL SMILING LIKE “AW” AND SPOCK POSSESED IS BEHIND HER AND HE LOOKED LIKE “UH....EW?”

possessed spock: “HEY, DOCTOR. this body is HOT aint’ it?” spones?

you know those like. decorative orbs of light people have in thier homes. if star trek made and sold ones that looked like the glowly orbs in this episode would be something i would buy. they look...cool

i love how casual possessed spock is like...oh huh this lady has critical thinking skills. wasn’t expecting that lol! boop, amnesia!

AAAAAA HAHA LADY WAS LOOKING AT HERSELF IN THE MISSOR AND IT WASJKFKAEJHF SOOOO DISTORED IM CRYING

god. scotty is HOT.

spock leaning against the wall. teasing scotty. scotty looking over his shoulder like...hmmm. SCOTTY SPOCK RIGHTS!

you know. i wonder if like....

this is me being me but.

could this problem be solved by like.

gosh idk if there would even be people who are in comas and brain dead but like

like if the next of kin approved couldn’t these guys go live in their bodies?

bones really gonna condemn a real woman to live in an orb to bring kirk back to life?

NO HE AINT!! RESPECT.

the real tradgedy of having sargon be in chapel is that we won’t see her and red shirt lady kiss

can we share things with mccoy, please?

hE’S LIKE....SPOCK IS DEAD JIM WTF??

hey so like. where’s sulu.

there he is.

sir will they give you LINES?

sargon and thylassa sharing one last kiss and going unafraid into the end TOGETHER? i AM CRYING.

god that was really poignant.

OKAY. so this was an episode that i didn’t even recall but it was...a jOY? i really really liked this one? the plot was fun. the acting was great. the message was really interesting. 9/10

#lexie rewatches tos

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lightsandlostbells · 6 years

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Druck season 2, episode 10 reaction

Done with S2! Thanks to all the translators who make the clips, texts, and social media content accessible to everyone. It’s so much work to do and the Druck translators do a terrific job.

As much as I love going into Matteo’s POV, I’m going to miss Mia’s a lot. This season definitely surpassed my expectations overall.

Episode 10

Clip 1 - Slumber party

The girl crew is having a sleepover and keeping warm in Mia’s bed in their PJs. They talk about how great last summer was, which we unfortunately did not get to see. So Druck should definitely squeeze in an Amira season so we can see the summer before they graduate, eh? Ehhh???

Mia gets a text, but it’s from her mom, not Alex. Kiki says she doesn’t think Björn sent Alex the pictures or else he would’ve texted her already. Or, as Sam points out, he would’ve pushed Björn in front of a train. That option seems quite likely, to be honest. The girls are proud of Mia for standing up to Björn.

Mia says she needs to talk to Alex about it because it would be worse if he found out through someone else. Kiki gives Mia a hug and says they’ll protect her, and Sam says they beat up people for Hanna, so they’ll beat them up for Mia, too. Hell yeah. Björn needs an ass-kicking far more than Toilet Sam’s girlfriend did.

Down with pacifism! Sam punches a pillow and says down with all men! I’m sad that this is all we get of the sleepover scene that was shown briefly in those ending credits at the beginning of the season, but at least what we did see is cute.

Clip 2 - Talk to each other!!

At school, Mia seems so distracted looking for Alex that some guy knocks into her. She finds Alex at his locker. He seems pissed. PLEASE GOD don’t let it be for Björn-related reasons, let him be better than that. He can’t believe Björn. Please.

Well, he did see the pictures. And he doesn’t get it. Were they for revenge? So he thinks she went out with Björn just to hurt him.

Mia grabs him as he tries to walk away, saying it’s not what he thinks it is, and they need to talk. He says he can’t and has a test now, Mia says tomorrow, and he reluctantly nods. It’s like the conversation that was supposed to happen last week, but didn’t because Björn happened. Mia stares after him. We hear other people’s happy, careless conversations as Mia’s whole world is unraveling.

Well, she didn’t tell him it was rape/assault yet, so that still puts him above William - it’s one thing to think she’s consensually hooking up with Björn to hurt him, another to not believe her about being assaulted. And he didn’t leave her crying on the ground. It all depends how he reacts tomorrow.

Clip 3 - Fucking Björn keeps ruining things and he’s not even in the episode

After school, when most students are leaving, it’s time for Mia and Alex to talk. He’s looking out the window. She asks about what really happened with him and Björn.

He calls his parents emotionally stunted (slur according to the translations - not sure if it has the same connotations or intensity in German but :/ at its use) and it was hard for Sophie. Her depression got worse when Alex was like 12-13; she was institutionalized twice and went to three therapists until she found one she liked. She was OK after that, until she met Björn.

We see some flashbacks of Sophie and Alex hanging out in the pool as Alex talks about their close relationship, and then Sophie drifts from Alex to go smooch Björn. Alex was cool with him at first (we see them friendly in the pool) until it became clear Björn made Sophie cry (in the pool we see Alex and Björn rough-housing and play-fighting - innocent this time, but representative of how later it would escalate to actual fighting because of Sophie; notice that Sophie herself drifts out of the footage and isn’t visible except for her legs, like they’re fighting even when she’s gone). Björn tried to emotionally turn Sophie against both her parents and Alex, which is a textbook sign of an abuser, separating the victim from friends and family (in the flashbacks we see Björn holding Sophie close, like he’s trying to have her all to himself).

Björn also convinced Sophie to stop going to her therapist because he thought the therapist hated him, and threatened to break up with her if she didn’t. Which is also textbook abuse/manipulation. And frankly Björn thinking the therapist hated him could be paranoia, it’s likely, but it’s also possible the therapist legitimately didn’t like him based on what Sophie was saying in therapy and so didn’t encourage Sophie to stay in that relationship. So Sophie’s depression got worse after that, and then that annoyed Björn and he started disappearing and going to clubs for days at a time. I didn’t know I could hate this motherfucker even more.

Sophie barely texted Alexander (he’s crying as he tells this now), she started getting into drugs (not just weed as Björn had told Mia) and it was even worse because she had manic episodes. This whole story is so sad. I do have to give props to Druck because the way they’re laying this out seems so realistic in terms of emotional abuse.

Alexander spins the ring on his finger. Is that a family ring? I don’t remember if we learned anything about it. Maybe Sophie gave it to him.

Alexander’s family didn’t hear from Sophie for a while until the German embassy called them (not Björn). God, so did Björn run off when Sophie died? I can imagine him doing that, not wanting to take any responsibility. They only saw him again at the funeral, where he claimed in front of everyone that Sophie would still be alive if she had abandoned the family sooner, and Alex lost it and said he’d beat him to death if he came near the family again, Björn ran off. You know, this makes me wonder what the hell Björn was doing trying to get into Alex’s apartment those times. Was he getting a thrill out of just being there and sticking it to Alex? Or was he there to steal stuff or mess with Alex’s things?

Alexander says he had the worst year of his life until Mia yelled at him in the courtyard. I guess Mia saw right through his bullshit and that brought him back to Earth. Mia grabs his hand.

Alexander is upset that the guy who ruined his life also assaulted Mia. THANK GOD he’s upset that Mia was assaulted, that his anger is directed toward Björn and not at her. Bravo, Alexander, I know it was a low bar but I’m glad you didn’t leave Mia crying on the floor. And bravo, Druck, for taking out that part. It’s hard for Alex not to do anything about it, but Mia says he mustn’t, Björn did it to her and she wants to sort it out

Mia went to the police and Alex is like, “Do you think that will sort anything?” and she points out that beating him up again won’t help, either. True! As much as I wouldn’t mind seeing it. Not worth it for Alexander to go to jail over that scum, don’t let Björn ruin his life further.

Alex reported himself to the police, so they’re going to investigate and interview the victim. Ugh, I don’t want Björn’s sob story full of lies to get Alex in trouble, but it’s the right thing to do, and Alexander chose to do it, so that says a lot about his character.

Alexander is packing up to go, Mia wants to know about their relationship. Alex says he’s going to London after graduation. I like how they’ve positioned him so far away already; he’s far from Mia, in the doorway ready to leave, just like him going to London. He says that this thing between them hasn’t worked from the start. Mia is upset and teary as he tries to go, and tries to get him to stay by saying he’s being an asshole, but he says that’s it. Wow, so they’re really gonna string us along until the end, huh. Imagine if the one version of Noorhelm that I like is the one that broke up for good.

Mia walks out of the room, through the hall, through the shadows, crying. GOD, CAN NICE THINGS HAPPEN TO MIA ALREADY. I feel like she gets a good day or two at most and then more shit gets flung at her.

Super apropos song lyrics at the end of the clip: “You told me to let go and all I can do is try/I'm running in circles, tired of keeping my head high/You told me to bury my feelings dead I'm alright/Oh, acting my whole life now I am losing this fight” Poor Mia is trying desperately to keep Alex but it’s getting nowhere and he’s telling her it’s over.

Clip 4 - Hanna and Jonas?

Hanna and Mia walk along talking, Hanna asks if it’s over, Mia is on the brink of tears again. It really gets me in the heart how Mia just has to cut off the subject because it’s too painful and she gets choked up so quickly. She asks about Hanna. Jonas has blocked Hanna on Insta for going to Sam’s party … dude, Jonas, get your shit together. Mia says he has no right to tell her what to do. Damn straight.

And Mia says they need to stop talking about guys all the time, they wouldn’t even pass the Bechdel test. LMAO. I’m pretty sure that Druck would pass the Bechdel test? Like Mia and Kiki talking about Kiki’s eating and fitness issues would qualify, for a start? Although standards might be different in a season-long TV show than a movie. But I do also see the irony in like ... this being a TV show where the characters’ choice of conversation topics are dictated by the writers, so Druck could have the girls stop talking about dudes whenever they want.

Also, the Bechdel test was created by a lesbian, and was specifically meant to represent a lesbian experience before the test gained a more widespread usage, so people who are unsatisfied with Druck’s handling of wlw may not enjoy this line - the de-gaying of the Bechdel test might ring too close to Druck dancing away from Mia’s sexuality.

Anyway, Mia doesn’t want to be asked about Alex anymore, so Hanna asks how she did in German, and is astonished that Mia does so well and gets good grades despite dealing with stress. Mia does this adorable hair flip of confidence.

Mia walks off, and HOLY SHIT we switch to Jonas?? And Hanna?? So that shot of Mia walking away wasn’t just random, it was ~symbolic and representing a transition of POV. I do wish we had gotten this scene after Mia and Alex got more of a conclusion to their story; it’d seem more fitting for tying up loose ends. Because I’m still like MIA’S SEASON AIN’T OVER.

Of course that mysterious person who talks to Jonas turned out to be Gereven. I love that he got the name Beanie Boy. Honestly I really love that fandom was like EVEN???? after this one brief appearance. Skam fandom goes hard with their detective skills. (Was he lending Jonas his notes so Jonas could catch up? So thoughtful.)

Hanna sits down across from Jonas and asks about a bad grade he got. It turns out that Jonas got a 0 in three subjects, and at least one of them was for an unexcused absence. Hanna is concerned. I am too. Jonas is a mess. It’s been this way all season but at some point you have to be like, dude, either get over it or get help. If Hanna is the root cause of his pain, he has to let her go (much as I root for Janna and Honas) but if it’s something more, like this guy is depressed, not to mention his substance abuse, then he needs to talk to a therapist.

Hanna wants to talk, Jonas has some work to finish, so she just grabs his pencil and finishes for him. He’s like … is that right? She nods. He jokes that it’s good she doesn’t crib from him anymore. I’m really glad Hanna has been keeping her shit together, it seems, but damn, it’s depressing that we just swung the messiness around to Jonas.

She says that she’s noticed he’s not doing well, and she somehow feels responsible. Jonas points out that she’s not. Hanna says Matteo has noticed that he’s not well, too, and that he says Jonas has locked him out. Jonas says Matteo needs a girlfriend so he can stop getting on his nerves. LMAO. Oh, Jonas. You really are a mess if you’ve missed Matteo’s big puppy eyes. But you know, the utter irony of that quote in a clip where they introduce Matteo’s future love interest, who is very much not a girlfriend.

Hanna says Jonas blocked her on Instagram. Yeah, Jonas, the hell is that about? Jonas says so it’s so he doesn’t have to see more of Hanna and Sam. Lol, she had like one picture of her and Sam. Hanna says there’s nothing happening with them. Honestly, I guess Jonas has to do what he needs to do to stop wallowing in his misery, and that might mean blocking Hanna on IG (although I think it’s extreme) but at the same time, it doesn’t seem to have done him any good.

Hanna says she wants to be friends with him, but that’s not possible, is it? Jonas doesn’t say anything but you can tell from his face that she’s right. Before Hanna turns around, he says the equation doesn’t make any sense, and she says it’d be great if it was. Jonas says he was impressed for a minute. OH KIDS. If only the equation WAS RIGHT. And by equation I mean YOU TWO. Get your stuff together!!!!

Clip 5 - Follow your heart

The girl and boy crews are smoking hookah. Mia’s the only one not there. The girls talk about Mia and it feels like they’re the audience surrogates with their range of opinions, lol. What Alex did was fucked up (Hanna) vs. yes but it was understandable (Amira). Hanna thinking Mia deserves a nicer guy, Sam thinking that no matter what happened in the past, Mia and Alex love each other and it sucks it didn’t work out, Kiki just wanting Mia to be happy. The prevailing opinion seems to be that they want Mia to be happy, awwww. And I’m really glad their priorities are Mia’s happiness rather than them just coming across as in-universe Winterberg shippers no matter Mia’s feelings.

Goes without saying but Kiki looks cute with her glasses. All the girls look great, Hanna is rocking that red lipstick.

Amira is just like, all men suck, we don’t even have a choice. Kiki points out that Mia has a choice. I mean, who knows, maybe that girl Mia dated before was just a huge mess herself. Sam says women suck, too, and Amira is like no, women don’t rape, objectify, and marginalize men systematically. My soul ascended when I heard Amira say that. I love her, we’ve got to get season 4 somehow. Make it happen!!!!

Lmao, Hanna’s example of a bad woman is Bellatrix Lestrange, interesting that she went fictional! I would volunteer Umbridge as an example myself.

But Hanna points out there are nice guys, too, and Amira points out that guys like Jonas are the worst. At least guys like Alexander don’t pretend they’re not macho. Oh SHIT I got chills hearing this. Jonas is the sensitive hipster guy who thinks he’s woke, but is capable of as much sexism as any other dude. And as Amira points out, Jonas treated Hanna like crap when they were together, and now he acts all controlling. DAMN. CHILLS. I say this as someone who loves German Jonas, and who really loves Jonas and Hanna’s chemistry together: Amira isn’t wrong. Jonas was far from the perfect boyfriend, and in this season he’s been a pain in the ass, trying to manipulate her. I love that Amira lays it out and I think maybe it clicked something for Hanna, something that she already knew, but maybe she just needed Amira’s blunt POV.

Sam says it’s no good to hate all men, and Amira says no, we have to accept some men. Still, I really liked how this conversation didn’t try to soften its feminism? It’s not about man-hating, it’s about being able to acknowledge systemic misogyny honestly.

The girls again assert they are Team Mia above everything, and it’s a nice touch that it’s Kiki leading the charge, after all their drama this season.

Mia is at home, sad over Alex. She smells his hoodie and looks at herself in the mirror, then over at her slogan: “follow your heart but take your brain with you.” But the way it’s shot, Mia’s head blocks the rest of the quote so it’s just “follow your heart” - a little on the nose, but still a good way to tie that motto back to her character arc. So she puts on her shoes and coat and heads out.

Back with the squads, it’s Sam’s birthday, so they sing to her and she blows out the candle on her cake. The girls ask what she wished for and Sam tells them, no secrets in the crew. She wants a boyfriend. Well, for her sake I hope she gets one? She deserves better than Manfred the middle-aged racial fetishist farmer. Lol, I think it would’ve been fun to see Sam with an age-appropriate version of Kasper, although I can see why the cabin trip ended up having much more drama than just Ouija board shenanigans. Would’ve maybe felt weird to have an actual guy there for some reason.

Amira gets a text and has to leave, but Sam snatches her phone and the girls see that she works as a delivery girl. Hanna makes a comment that she thought Amira was secretly married - innocent joke or microaggression about Muslim girls getting married off young? They want to know why Amira didn’t tell them, and Amira explains that her brothers can never know because they’ll tell her parents, and her parents, who are doctors, think it’s beneath them for their daughter to be a delivery girl. Man, you can’t drop this on us and not give us a season 4. That’s such an insight into Amira’s relationship with her brothers (including German Elias??) and her parents and their background. It makes sense why she has to save money to go to Australia and her parents don’t approve, they probably think she should stick to studying. I feel like you could dig so much into this material in her season.

Who will Sam hook up with tonight? She notes that Matteo is quite cute. Matteo certainly is quite cute, sitting there uncomfortably as Sara talks to him. Hanna, sensing disaster, tries to shut that shit down, but turns out she didn’t need to because two seconds later Matteo is making out with Sara! NOOOO, MATTEO. We almost dodged this S2 attempt at heterosexuality! We were near the finish line! At least we consolidated Sara and Emma into one person, so he only has one girl to kiss miserably, not two?

Mia waits for Alexander at the skate park with what looks like cocoa? Chocolate milk? Anyway, nice callback to the other times Alexander showed up with beverages. He comes outside and it’s awkward, but he accepts her drink. They talk about London and she asks why they can’t just be in a long-distance relationship, and he says for that they’d have to be in a relationship. OUCH. Fucking cold, dude.

The closeups of Mia and Alexander position each of them closer to the side of the frame, like she’s to the right and he’s to the left, and it’s a little jarring going back and forth, which is similar to that one confrontation in the first episode (I can’t remember if they used this effect in any other scenes). Makes you feel more of the tension, makes your eyes keep darting from side to side. Nice way to call back toward the beginning. This is a confrontation, too, except back then Mia wanted Alex to leave Kiki alone and get the fuck out of all their lives, and here it’s Mia who wants him to stay and Alex who’s trying to go.

Mia forbids Alex to leave. She’s trying to say it firmly but you can see how scared and unsure she is. Alex points out how it hasn’t worked, they fight and she doesn’t trust him, and that’s when Mia’s gotta put her drink down and go off on him, detailing all the drama and lies of their relationship from the beginning to present. After all that bullshit he pulled, she still wants to be with him, but it’s him who thinks it’s too exhausting to be together. She points out that yeah, it will be exhausting, but, as she reminds him, he said he fell in love with her because she knew who he was right from the start, and that’s why she knows he hurts other to protect himself. Mia says he doesn’t have to do that with her, she’s not leaving, she’s here. And I love that callback to his anxiety attack, she’s reminding him that she stayed before and she’ll stay again.

Mia pulls in Alex and like half-hugs him, it’s stiff at first but Mia doesn’t back off, and he finally gives in. When she pulls back she basically dares him to tell her he doesn’t love her, but of course he says he loves her, and she loves him too. It’s nice that he seems genuinely emotional and even choked up about it, he asks her to say it like he needs to hear it to believe it. And I like that he’s in shadow and a little subdued, while she’s in the light and is just glowing with happiness. The little whisper of “I love you” in his ear is the sweetest thing.

Mia and Alex kiss. Cut back to the party where Carlos and Kiki kiss, Matteo and Sara kiss (NOOOOO), and Abdi and Sam kiss. Three smooching couples in a row, blissfully oblivious to each other. (Well. Two out of three are blissful. Matteo ain’t having a good time.)

LMAO we cut to Hanna, Jonas, and Leonie at a table together, with Jonas in the middle (just like their love triangle!) and Leonie being like … OK. They giggle. This is hands-down one of my favorite shots on Druck, what a good moment.

Mia and Alex continue to kiss and we go from closeups to moving away from them, letting them have their happy ending. and moving away to follow another person’s story. I do wish we could’ve gotten Alex and Mia together for good earlier, with more downtime to enjoy them together at the end, but they did get together and that was a really lovely reunion.

Druck cast dance party! Truly the best season finale tradition.

Social Media/General Comments:

I feel a little deprived of that sleepover content since they were teasing us at the beginning of the season, but at least there was some SM to show us what the girls were up to. Kiki’s stretchiness was demonstrated once more, and Hanna forgot her toothbrush - seems IC.

Carmen was also a guest at the sleepover, though I don’t know if it was original Carmen or Carmen 2.0. Mia and Kiki cuddle up to Carmen, and then there is a picture documenting exactly what I was thinking, which is Kiki realizing exactly where Carmen has been...

The boy squad plays basketball. They all seem to be terrible. Jonas is absent and the boys comment on it, so he was probably off wallowing/drinking/getting high.

It’s nice that Hanna and Matteo are on pretty close terms, although much of their conversation seems to be concern for Jonas.

Sam made a post about dressing up for motto week, suggesting everyone dress up as her, but telling people not to do blackface. She gives a breakdown and history of blackface that explains why you should not do it. I’m really glad to see more educational content for youth like this. It’s a pretty concise but clear explanation of the racism behind blackface, and it’s something all non-black teens should definitely hear.

On that note, Amira did a Q&A session about Islam to clear up misconceptions people have. Very nice to have this done by a Muslim actress (I think Iman Meskini has done stuff like this on her IG), and I wonder if she improvised these answers? I feel like a lot of the SM content is improv. Anyway, of note: someone asked if she would date a non-Muslim and she said that her religion is a part of her and a non-Muslim wouldn’t be able to participate with her in a big part of her daily life, so he wouldn’t really fit. But it’s a difficult question. HMMMMM. I don’t want to get my hopes up buuuuut this would certainly be a question to explore in depth, don’t you think? Like in an Amira-focused season?

Also, people have a lot of weird assumptions about hijab, things like wondering if Amira is bald underneath (???) or if she showers with it on (???) with Amira having to clarify that she hasn’t stopped showering since wearing hijab (???) But then again we saw Kiki think the same thing earlier this season sooooooooo.

Hanna documents her struggles with school. Oh, Hanna, I was so excited in that brief moment where you solved that equation for Jonas! Alas.

Carlos and Kiki eat cheesecake and I’m very happy to see Kiki eating and enjoying herself. Carlos seems very good for her, but I don’t think it’s just Carlos who’s made her happier, I think the therapy helps, and I think her self-image is just better overall. I mean, Carlos doesn’t like her glasses (poor taste!!) but she likes the way they look and she’s not feeling the need to change them because of a man’s opinion.

Hans didn’t go to Sam’s birthday party because he was nursing a broken heart. Michi dumped him. Hans, all due respect, I cannot say I blame him. Bye, Michi! Hope you find true love!

Linn had to stay home to take care of Hans, LMAO, I’m just imagining Hans crying and moaning on the couch and Linn sitting beside him staring at the TV and eating chips while occasionally patting Hans on the head.

Stuff that was missing from this season that was present in S2: Matteo being rescued by Hans, Jamilla, Kasper (well, Manfred half-counts). Probably more, aside from things that were changed or combined, but those are some things that stick out. I don’t think Jamilla will factor in at all if by a miracle we get Amira’s season, and if Sam gets a boyfriend it won’t be Kasper.

This is my favorite season of a Skam remake so far.

There have been some really good S1 remakes. But the thing is, I didn’t need a good S1 remake, necessarily. Because I already think Eva’s season is great as it is. It’s my second favorite after S3. So the great Eva remake seasons are certainly welcome, but I didn’t have this desire for a remake to come along and fix what I didn’t like about her season.

But I did have that need for a good S2 remake. Me and Skam S2 don’t quite get along. There are multiple problems I have, mostly revolving around William’s character. I felt like his character never really evolved to the point where I could root for him and Noora, I never felt like he actually regretted most of his bad behavior, and I still felt like I didn’t know who this person was by the end of this season. Who was William other than a sad backstory and a collection of bad boy tropes? We knew nothing about his hobbies or interests. Then there was the dynamic between him and Noora, which had some extremely troubling parts, and which diluted the impact of the sexual assault storyline - William’s behavior was manipulative and didn’t respect Noora’s agency, and his treatment of Noora after she tells him she was raped - shutting her out for days when she begs for him to speak to her - was so appalling that I could never ever forgive him. Additionally, there were issues with the pacing, with certain plot points feeling more out of a CW show than fitting Skam’s realism. So I really, really wanted at least one of the remakes to fix the big problems with S2.

Is Druck S2 perfect? No, not like I’d say Skam S3 is perfect. Druck didn’t fix all the problems I had with William, and Alexander still had some things that were never addressed to my satisfaction (mostly Kiki-related, or the lesbian comments). They could have done a better job with Mia’s bisexuality. I think the sexual assault storyline was a little rushed, and they should’ve gotten Mia and Alex their happy ending prior to the very last clip - it would’ve been satisfying with some space to see them as a couple at the end, and the transition to Hanna and Jonas drama mid-week would’ve been better if Mia and Alex were more or less wrapped up. However, this still was a big success as a season for me.

What’s especially remarkable is that Mia was a weaker part of S1 for me - not to a huge degree, just that in the beginning I wasn’t quite sold on her. And Alexander was my least favorite William of the first four remakes that aired (Druck, France, Italia, and Austin). There just didn’t seem to be much charm to him. But I grew to love Mia - she has elements of Noora while still feeling like her own character, someone who had clear flaws and made big mistakes, but was still someone I rooted for the entire time. Alexander? ... He won me over. I never thought that he would be the William to do so, lol. Again, he still has some big flaws that weren’t really addressed as much as I wanted, but they improved so much on William. Alexander has a personality, he has clear hobbies and interests, he has a sense of humor. His sad backstory affected him in tangible ways on screen, not just as an excuse for his distant personality. I have to give the actors a lot of credit because they were a huge part of what worked about this season.

And I like Winterberg. Dare I say it, I ship Winterberg. Who knew? They’re charming on screen together, I get why they like each other other than physical attraction, they had a lot of scenes where they were just hanging out and bonding that gave you a sense of who they were as a couple. And even with the things that bugged me, I did feel like I wanted them together at the end - I felt like they did bring out some very positive aspects of each other, they understood each other, and that their relationship would continue to improve as time went on.

I love that they mixed the Yakuza fight and Niko plots together, which made the season feel more streamlined and tight. I loved that the talk between Amira and Mia about Alexander fixed a lot of what bothered me about the original scene. I loved the development of Mia and Kiki’s relationship. And there were also just a lot of small things I loved, character moments, humorous beats. I loved the casual talk about therapy. I loved that the Druck crew obviously listened to feedback from the first season. I loved that they stepped up their social media game. I’m just really impressed with this season.

I am not German so feel free to clarify or correct me on cultural stuff and translations.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#druck translations #druck

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mdwatchestv · 6 years

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Best Television (Of the Things I Watched) 2018

IndieWire's Liz Miller put together a staggering list of all the television shows that aired this year, excluding most reality and children's programming, to help narrow down top ten lists. If you would like to view it and despair, you may do so by clicking here.

Per her list there were o/a 554 shows on television this annum. Stare into the gaping void of that number, and let it, in turn, stare back into you. Of the television shows on this list, I have seen, at least one episode, of 136 of them. Although I am not a "professional" television "critic" who "gets paid" to give opinions, I am a "television professional" who also writes about it as an "amateur" "hobby". What I'm really trying to say here is that I have never seen an episode of The Americans.

But what I'm REALLY trying to say is that I watch a lot of TV, and work in TV, and love TV and have only seen 25% of the shows currently on television (and yes, I had to Google how to do that math). 25%! That's a quarter! That's an F- -, that is a paltry drip in this vast ocean of content. How is anyone supposed to keep up with that! The only thing I keep up with are the Kardashians, and that show isn't even included on the list of 554 shows!

And so with the disclaimer that any true distillation and subsequent ranking of the current landscape of television is, for all intents and purposes, impossible- I present to you my picks for the best shows of 2018. Or perhaps more accurately ~*~my~*~ favorite shows, or the shows that brought me the most joy, or who managed to rise above the froth of the seething hoard of content, or shows I’d like you all to watch so we may talk about them.

Killing Eve - BBC America

Okay so forget everything I just said about the insurmountable tv landscape and the inability to make an accurate judgement of quality, because Killing Eve was the BEST show this year. Watching this show, the latest outing from Phoebe Waller-Bridge, felt like suddenly finding out you've been holding your breath your entire life and finally filling your lungs. Killing Eve is the show I have always wanted to watch, and yet could never have previously imagined being possible. It is a spy thriller that maintains a heady tension, it's a pitch black comedy, it's a love story, it's violent, it's stylish, it's sexy, and it's unapologetically female. I could write an entire blog about this show in regards to women's spaces, sexuality, violence, and the female gaze but there WAS other television this year that I GUESS you want to read about. Real quick: the music was amazing, the clothes were amazing, Jodie Comer has shamed all other psychopath performances, and Sandra Oh held this whole jumble together with a deeply grounded yet intimately vulnerable performance and that shit AIN'T EASY Y'ALL. Also this is on Hulu now....so....

The Terror - AMC

I can say without question that The Terror is the most enjoyable show I've ever seen about men rotting to death on a boat. AMC did a terrible (lol) job of advertising this gem of a series based on an 800 page novel, which itself is based on a real (doomed) expedition to find the Northwest Passage. Yes, the The Terror is about all the ways men can die (many!), but it was also easily the most aesthetically beautiful series I watched this year. Sure, it was scary and there were zombie polar bears, but it also created a subtle unease as delicate as it was unsettling. The natural world is unforgiving and unknowable, but is it more dangerous than what lies in the hearts of men? (Free tagline for you AMC) Everyone slept on this show like they were dying of hypothermia.

Queer Eye - Netflix

Imagine you're you, and you've had a really rough couple of years. I mean, the news is terrible, the planet is dying, and you're never going to be a homeowner. The only thing that brings you joy is lying listlessly on your couch playing cooking games on your phone and trying to pretend that you don't have to haul your corporeal form to work tomorrow. Suddenly, there is a knock on your (over-priced apartment's) door. Who could be visiting you here, at such an hour? Who is there left in the world that cares? You pull on a bathrobe and shuffle over, opening the door and blinking owlishly into outside world. Before you are five beautifully appointed men, they have gifts, salsa, bomber jackets, soft-silken hair, their energy is non-threatening. They join you on the couch and you cry in their toned arms for hours, for days, for weeks. For the first time in a long time you think maybe humanity is worth saving after all.

Sharp Objects - HBO

I have never fully boarded the Gillian Flynn train, my reaction to watching Gone Girl and reading Dark Places was "Oh...that's it?" So despite the creative heavy hitters (Marti Noxon, Marc-Jean Vallee, Amy Adams) attached, I had reservations about this HBO miniseries. On its surface Sharp Objects is another one of Flynn's lurid mysteries, but its on-screen adaptation created a fully realized world for this particular mystery to inhabit. A world that at turns felt stifling and magical, that oozed resentment, and pain, and fear. A world filled with women who had anger simmering under the skin, caught in their hands, trapped in their mouths. For once this wasn't a story where the twist was the final destination, but rather an inevitability of cruelty wrought on women by their world and by each other.

The Good Place - NBC

Everything on this list so far has been new series. Maybe that's because newness is more interesting, or maybe it's because goodness is hard to sustain. However everyone's favorite philosophy comedy just seems to be getting better and better the longer it goes on, continuing to invent itself from season to season, and even episode to episode. The Good Place is the only show that can make you a fan of Blake Bortles and also a genuinely better person.

Okay those were my five best shows of the year and now I'm tired. Here are some rapid fire honorable mentions!!!!

Honorable Mentions:

Barry (HBO)- The season finale didn't stick the landing for me, but I can assure you Barry’s actor struggle was documentary-level. Cannot speak for hitman authenticity.....publicly...

GLOW S2 (Netflix) - Improving on the promise of its first season, GLOW can sometimes be a bit messy in delivery but I admire their go big or go home attitude. This season dealt with workplace sexual harassment, parenthood, the AIDs crisis, race, and even had time for a lesbian dream ballet and an anti-kidnapping PSA. Betty Gilpin forever.

Doctor Who (BBC America) - Jodie Whittaker is a sheer delight as the Doctor, and a breath of fresh air for the series. This new season has also taken the back-in-time episodes (always my fav) to a new level- I LEARNED STUFF.

Aggretsuko (Netflix) - Aggretsuko is a Sanrio anime about a red panda named Retsuko. She is 25, she works in an office for a sexist pig boss, she hates her life, and at night she sings death metal karaoke. She is....extremely relatable. Sam please watch this.

The Magicians S3 (SyFy)- I may be biased, but at the same time, I have always loved The Magicians. This is another rare show that gets better the longer it goes on, having carved out a strange little genre space with a tone all of its own. Within the forest of snappy quips and surly fantasy characters, is a beating heart and an ability to achieve real emotional catharsis.

The Haunting of Hill House (Netflix) - I said earlier this year that I had never found a television show truly scary, but this was before I had seen Haunting of Hill House. I have not yet finished this show because it started giving me nightmares and I can only watch it in the light of day. That being said, the Bent-Neck Lady episode alone is such a tight, terrifying, piece of storytelling it deserves a shout out on this list. Also A+ kid casting, that shit is HARD.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine (NBC) Probably the time I felt most alive this year were the harrowing hours between Brooklyn 99's cancellation by Fox and subsequent saving by NBC. During that wretched purgatory it was decided by the internet that B99 was the Last Good and Pure Thing Left and its salvation would mark some sort of victory in the losing battle against the darkness that will one day overtake us all. Luckily, the day was saved (no thanks to Fox), but the abyss still looms.

That's it! This is everything I thought was good on TV this year! If you thought something else was good, or you would like to shame me for something I did not watch, feel free to do so in the comments or on Twitter. There are over 550 after all and I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT watch them all.

The television wheel begins inexorably turning again in a few scant weeks, so buckle up buttercups!!! If you read the blog this year, or are reading right now - thank you for your time! If you thought the writing was poor, at least I gave you some entertaining gifs.

XO MD

#other tv #martha writes #tv lists #best of 2018 #best tv of 2018 #queer eye #the terror #killing eve #the good place #sharp obects #tv gifs #tv writing

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serenagaywaterford · 6 years

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1) Hey, it's me again. The idiot rambling anon. I wasn't gonna spam you again, but then I read your responses. At this point, I'm convinced you're my alter ego, lol. My thoughts are all over the place, but I'll try to organize them. So, about Nick. I've purposely avoided talking about him so far, but why the hell not? Let me make one thing clear: I'm NOT of of those thirsty fangirls. But even if I was? I wouldn't get offended or butthurt, because another person likes different fictional

2) characters (of all things) than me. I mean, big fucking deal. Each to their own, no need for apologies. ;) (My tone is a little aggressive, I know, but I’m sick and tired of some people on social media –in and out of fandoms– acting holier-than-thou and sending hate messages and even actual death threats (!) to creators or people that express unpopular opinions*. It’s reached a point where many people feel the need to put disclaimers in their posts so as not to be attacked.)

3) Back to Nick. I liked him just fine back in early S1, when he was all mysterious and his background story was unknown to us. When we did learn about it and the fandom started acting like he’s that pure, handsome angel uwu? Nah. Obviously, he’s no Fred/Serena/Lydia,but he’s not a “cinnamon roll” either. (Imo, the only decent dude on that show is Luke.) I mean, if Nick was SO altruistic, he wouldn’t have joined this job. Or even after everything went down, he could have tried to help other

4) handmaids without expecting anything in return. But no, he only helps June and that’s because he’s in love with her. I’m not blaming him for trying to survive under such circumstances, but I won’t idolize him either. Now, in s2? I’m kinda neutral about him. I don’t hate him, but I can’t say that I’m a fan either. Not gonna lie, he bores me at times, because he’s just… there. No sparks, no fireworks. Not sure if it’s the writing that doesn’t do the actor any favors, but his acting hasn’t

5) really drawn me in yet. A counterexample to this? Aunt Lydia. Her personality is despicable 98% of the time and yet. Dowd’s captivating performance makes me want to know so much more about her character.) On the other hand, I’m glad that June has someone (besides Rita) to back her up in that hellhole. She needs comfort and allies. But the whole ‘tRu Love 5eva" fanon thing? No, thanks. Not only it doesn’t fit the tone of the series, but I also believe that sharing an intense, forbidden love/

6) during such a shitstorm is not the same thing as keeping it alive after all is said and done (post-Gilead). Maybe they’ll stay together (as long as Nick doesn’t die), maybe they’ll fall apart. I can’t really see June romantically reconnecting with Luke either. After everything she’s been through… She’s a completely different person now. Unfortunately, the same things goes for Emily and her wife. Even though I’d love to see her interact with both her wife and her child in S3.

———

My inbox is so beautiful right now! Never, ever call yourself an idiot, my friend. (If you are, then so am I!) Brain twins, you see.

(Also sorry about this being out of order lol.)

I was trying not to talk about him too cos generally I just … I prefer not to think about him much. The fangirls, just, *sigh*. I try to avoid as much as possible in this fandom, esp on tumblr. Just hang out in my quiet little, not-Serena-hating corner. I always feel a need to put disclaimers these days cos as much as I don’t really care about random hate, I’d prefer not to have to deal with dogpiles or to look at it lmao. Like people can go around just hating on any character here–especially if they’re women–but say one critical (not even hateful) thing about their male fav and things just go off.

I’m more than aware the majority of people don’t like Serena and think she’s the worst thing ever. And fair play! (I get it… cos I’m not delusional. She’s awful.) Each to their own. I don’t go around bitching at people who say shitty things or stuff I don’t agree with, or blocking anybody who doesn’t like her. (There are a few posts I do engage with cos normally they seem like they want to go deeper in The Discourse but most Serena/Lydia/Eden/Janine/June-hate I just ignore.)

ITA. S1 was, like, okay. That’s Nick. What’s he up to? What’s his deal? (I don’t really care but I’m not opposed to him either. Just like I didn’t care about Luke’s backstory/escape.) He’s trying to be good to June and she needs that.When we did learn his backstory I was not pleased cos he seemed like a twerp but whatevs. Grey characters are grey. It wasn’t until S2 that I started to get irked by him (and the hypocrisy of his fans but that’s a whole other issue).

I can’t agree ANY more with your assessment of Nick. Like that’s EXACTLY what I’ve been saying! Firstly, he was RIGHT THERE when the Handmaid/Ceremony thing was first suggested and was like “Oh, yeah, great idea!” to Fred. I get that perhaps he was pressured to go along to keep his job but that’s a stretch imo, and if you can give him that sort of leeway, why can’t characters like Eden, Serena, Lydia and June get the same benefit of the doubt for certain things? Why is Nick’s pressure to keep his job more important and forgivable than anybody else’s pressures? It’s like that entire scene doesn’t exist to fangirls and Nick is so precious and in love and wonderful. Then there’s the rape of June. Like I know it’s pretty controversial to look at it that way, but that first time, with Serena overseeing it like a fucking creepy pimp (YUUUUUUCCCKKKKK I HATE IT THANKS) was rape. June barely knew the guy and I’m pretty sure if she wanted to have sex with him it wouldn’t be like that! And sure, after that, it was totally consensual but that first time was not. And I’ve heard the justification and excuses of “Well, Nick didn’t have a choice either!” which I call bullshit on, cos Nick is not some powerless delivery boy.

He’s a fucking Guardian who is tight with the top Commanders. He’s a man, if nothing else. Serena can act all high and mighty but she’s still a woman in a highly misogynistic society. I’m not convinced Fred would take his wife’s word over Nick’s tbh, especially if it was like “Dude, your crazy wife asked me to fuck the Handmaid you’re obsessed with”. If he really didn’t want to do it that badly, he could have taken that chance to report Serena. Even if Fred wanted to keep it hush hush away from other Commanders, he would have gone after Serena. Men are far more likely to turn on women than each other, esp in THT. But that’s just my take. Maybe I am missing something about Nick’s status. To me, it was like double rape. Neither of them wanted to do it, like that anyway. But Nick also did fuck all to stop it when IMO he did have some power to do something. He is not a helpless victim in that society, imo. Again, probably not a well-received opinion.

Don’t even get me started on his “Poor me!” routine in S2 when June tells him to have sex with Eden. I’m glad she called him on that bullshit. (But again, over the fangirls heads. Enough about them!)

Basically, everything Nick has done wrong isn’t his choice; he’s just a victim. In a story about women, Nick’s victimhood at the hands of these nasty women and men is the real issue. Blah. Whatever.

I just find Nick lacks total self-awareness about being part of the shitty ass system. He kind of just floats around thinking nothing is his fault and he’s blameless for it all, and he certainly can’t seem to see it from anyone’s perspective except his own. He’s upset about Fred & June’s Jezebel trips, not for her own safety or well-being but mainly he’s jealous. Of course he’s concerned about her safety but I believe it takes a backseat to his jealousy. He just seems to never take any responsibility for anything.

And BINGO about the previous Handmaid. Nothing we’ve been shown has given any hint he cares about any other woman’s plight in Gilead other than June, and only cares about her cos he had a crush/fucked her/is in wuv wiv her. Basically, she’s HIS so suddenly he cares about her. Look how fast he dumped that Martha as soon as he got brooding about June. He’s done fuckall for anybody except himself and that alone makes me dislike him. He’s no better than Fred in that way for me. But where Fred can occasionally be an interesting villain, cos Fiennes is nasty good, I find the actor who plays Nick just… not engaging. And he’s not SUPPOSED to be a villain! He’s meant to be a good guy! It’s crazy. He’s not compelling, he’s not interesting. He’s bland. He’s not even good looking, lol. I was watching with a friend once and mention I thought Fred was way better looking than Nick and she just stared at me and said, “You shouldn’t say that. But me too.” So, count me in the camp that just does not get the appeal of the character OR the actor.

I don’t hate Nick generally. I am just totally indifferent to his existence. If he left the show tomorrow, I’d shrug and probably be a little glad I don’t have to see that bland moping anymore. If he stays, oh well. Shrug. And I just don’t want his and June’s star-crossed romance shoved down my throat. It’s so… I dunno. I’m not opposed to June finding solace and hope but making it some beautiful forbidden romance, I’m not buying it. Like you said, it’s all well and good in Gilead–but it doesn’t strike me as something that can be sustainable outside it. To borrow from you last time: It’s the Handmaid’s Tale, not The Guardian + the Handmaid’s Tale.

Okay, enough about that pipsqueak. I don’t even like talking about him, tbh. He’s not worth it when there’s so much else going on.

ITA about Luke/June too. I feel like the level of disconnection and trauma that they’ve sustained, especially June, they can try to reconnect but it’s pretty difficult and I think especially with June having a sexual/romantic relationship with Nick pulls that really tight. It’s just two different planets they live on now. I don’t doubt that she still loves Luke, but actually reforming the relationship they previously had seems like an impossible task considering everything both of them have been through. It’s sad, but … sadly true for many people. Relationships can fall apart for far less.

And on the same page about Emily/Sylvia too. She is just soooooo fucking broken, and hopeless, that if they have them just rekindle with no issues, it’ll be bad writing. (I dunno if you see spoilers but there’s one about them.) She needs therapy so much more than a cutesy feelgood storyline.

Back to Lydia: Exactly! There’s a character we know very little about and who is a horrible person, yet the performance by Dowd makes almost everyone go, “TELL ME MORE!” With Nick, it’s the opposite for me. I’m just like, “Please, less of this.”

#Anonymous #rants and raves

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knb-holy-universe-blog · 7 years

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My love story with a tyrant Chapter 5

AT home

6.15 am, your alarm turned on, it was time to get up, it was your first day of high school.

You took your shower and then you started doing your hair and getting prepared.

Now you’re taking your breakfast with Olivia, then she asked, “How did it go?”

“What are you talking about?”

“That day you know, when they announced the result, you said something like you weren’t cool with your friend and you needed to apologize”

“Ah that story, no I didn’t apologize but I will do it today maybe”

“ Too much pride”

“Maybe”

“Anyway let’s go, your school is pretty strict I don’t want you to arrive late”

“I don’t want it too”

In Rakuzan

You were again nervous and scared just as child getting in school for the first time. No matter how many years, you have always the same feeling at the beginning of classes, anxious and stressed but anyway you had to go for now.

You were walking when you saw someone that you didn’t want to see, at least not the first day. It was the student council president, you wanted to avoid this guy no matter what, you didn’t want him to notice you. You started walking as fast as you could when suddenly you bumped into someone, you almost fell at the ground when someone saved you and put you against his body.

“Thank you so much I’m a little bit nervous you know it’s my f….”

As you turn to face this person, you were shocked that you couldn’t even finish.

It was the student council president ! “Why? From 100000 students, why it has to be him who saves me? Why?” You were telling those silly things to yourself just to forget how embarrassing this can be when he interrupted you:

“Yes I know, It’s your firs day at this school, don’t be nervous it’s just a school like others, be careful” He said these words when letting you go.

You didn’t know how to act, wait is it the same crazy guy you met a week ago, you didn’t know what to say, you just stared at him not understanding what’s happening but you managed to say “Thank you”

He smiled as he left to meet some of his friends maybe.

It’s true, you hated this guy, but you couldn’t deny the truth that he’s so charming especially when you started thinking about what happened which made you blush.

“You like him?” Said a girl

“Heiin, excuse me ?”

“I asked you if you like him”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Akashi Seijuro”

“Aka what”, “Who is it”

“It’s the student council president, the guy who just saved you”

“Ah, it’s true that he’s handsome but how can I fall for a guy with this horrible odious personality”

“It’s true he’s cold but he’s nice and reliable, if you need help just ask him”

“Anyway why are you talking to me?”

“I saw how lonely you were and then I said what I can do to help you out”

“Ah you really want to know?”

“Yeah of course more than anything”

“Then I’ll tell you, Leave me alone” You said with a cold tone

“Shiiih so mean, you’re really mean, you were supposed to say that you want me to accompany you”

“Well you weren’t supposed to talk to me at first since you’re only and only a STRANGER to me” you added with sarcasm

“You’re going to make me cry”

“Well I don’t care, I don’t like people like you who think they know everything when they don’t”

“If you’re talking about Akashi-sama then I was just teasing you, actually I wanted to look cool so you you’d accept me as a friend, please I don’t want to spend this year alone in class”

“We’re In the same class”

“Yup S2, can we go please to class together, I apologize for what I’ve done”

“I guess it’s alright, let’s go we’re late”

In the class

“By the way my name is Oshida Sarah”

“Mine is Marechal Anita”

“Anita-chan I really like your name, It sounds like en European name”

“Yeah I’m from France, and you?”

“I’m Half Japanese half Australian, I came to Japan last year, it was hard to study here at Rakuzan, very hard so when I heard about these new classes I hurried up, I had to attend them”

“Ah I see”

-The teacher came.

“Ohayo mina-san, I’m your Math’s teacher…..”

The teacher kept talking but you weren’t really listening, you were searching for Kamui but he was nowhere to be found. You started to look by the window trying to see if he will show up or not. 8h45 You gave up, you know he weren’t coming.

“It’s lunch time Anita-chan, we’ll have Lunch together right?”

“Yeah, whatever”

“Did you bring any bento”

“Bento”

“Ah you don’t know them, let’s buy something and eat anyway”

“Okey”

After Lunch time:

It was Japanese class, and the teacher wanted you to team up so each team will have a project to present each week.

“Sensei, how many people must be in a group?”

“Not more than 3 students in a team, hurry up pick-up your teammates, write in a paper and hand it to me”

“Anita-chan, we’ll team up right?” she asked as she took a paper and wrote both her name and yours.

“Add Kondo Kamui please”

“Kondo Kamui, is that a friend?”

“Yeah it’s my friend”

“Okey I wrote it”

After collecting all the papers, the teacher mixed them up and picked one paper.

“The paper I took know will be the team that will present the first project, which means next week”

“What do I have here, Oshida Sara, Marechal Anita,Kondo Kamui, the people I just mentioned will come to me after class and I’ll give them the project topic”

“Ok sensei” said Sarah with enthusiasm.

Classes ended you were talking with Sarah, when You saw Olivia waving.

“Sorry Sarah, I’ll leave with my cousin, see you tomorrow”

“Where is she? I see no one”

“She’s in the car, you see the one smiling”

“Ah I see, you have someone to pick you up, cool, give me your number and Email address Anita-chan”

“Ok here it is”

At home

You took your phone, and started typing:

“Hi, why didn’t you come to school today?” to Baka-chan

“Ah you miss me, you felt lonely without me?”

“Ah I see you’re okay, nothing to be worried about”

“No I’m really sick, you need to come to visit me, my state is getting worse”

“Ka-chan, there something important that I want to tell you, I know you’re sick but I don’t think I can wait”

Kamui blushed and felt his heart beating faster.

“I think I’ll be coming school after a day or two, you can wait till I come?”

“I’m sorry but it can’t wait”

Kamui felt like he already knew what you’re going to say next.

“Haha Nita-chan, it came faster than I thought you know”

“Yeah it was faster than I thought too, but what can we do, I can’t believe that the teacher gave up projects in the first day of class, it’s crazy, I wanted to tell you that you’re teaming up with me and another girl, we’ll present it next week”

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat, that’s what you were talking about?”

“What did you think?”

“No nothing I swear you’re weird and idiot”

“In normal circumstances I’d fight with you but I’m too tired so I’ll hang up, I’ll send you the details and the plan we’ll be working on”

“What did you think idiot, you’re really an idiot” Said Kamui to himself while feeling disappointed

#fanfiction #My love story with a tyrant #KNB #kuroko no basket #akashi seijuro #akashi x reader #high school #rakuzan

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